February 22, 2025 • 46 mins
The questions are in, your messages have been received, and it’s time for answers on this Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. Each month the New York Times bestselling author of The 5 Love Languages takes questions and comments from his listener line. This week, it’s our February edition of Dear Gary. The struggles you’ll hear may encourage you in your situation. Don’t miss Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.
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Episode Transcript
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S1 (00:01):
How do they make all the kids feel included without
showing favoritism?
S2 (00:06):
What if I struggle with desiring my wife?
S3 (00:09):
I'm getting to the emotional thing of why I don't
feel any emotions anymore, and I'm starting to question if
I actually am in a marriage or not.
S4 (00:18):
Welcome to building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of
the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages. It's
time for our Dear Gary broadcast for the month of February,
featuring your calls and questions for this trusted author and speaker.
S5 (00:34):
We have some written questions for Doctor Chapman today, as
well as your recorded calls, and let me encourage you
if you have something going on in your relationships. If
you're single, you're married, and you have a question or comment,
call us at 1866424. Gary. And this is not just
a problem line. Maybe there's something that's happened in your
(00:55):
relationship that went well. Maybe it is because of the
five love languages and you want to encourage somebody else
with your experience. So questions, comments, even response to our
conversation today. Call 1-866-424-4279.
S6 (01:13):
You know, Chris, I always enjoy these conversations because they
remind me of what happens during the conferences that I
lead throughout the country. You know, when people come up
to me afterwards and and they say, Doc Chapman, we
just want to tell you and they'll tell me their story.
Many times it is how the five love languages impacted
their marriage 20 years ago. Sometimes, you know, or 15
(01:34):
years ago and how it really saved their marriage and
turned things around. So I always enjoy calls from people
who are not just asking questions, but also making comments
about what they have found helpful, you know, in their relationship.
S5 (01:49):
And you can find out where Gary is going to
be in the coming weeks by going to the website
Building relationships.us. Just click events and you'll see his speaking
schedule again, building relationships us. And while you're there, click
the resources tab and you'll find the featured resource for today,
the book by Doctor Chapman and John Hinckley. A Simple
(02:11):
Guide for Making Marriage Better. Quick, practical insights. Every couple
needs to thrive. And Gary, we're going to have John
with us, with you in just a few weeks to
talk about that book. But can you give us an
overview or maybe one of the quick, practical insights that
I need today?
S6 (02:29):
Well, you know, Chris, I wrote this book along with
John because I have the sense that more and more
in today's culture, people are looking for short chapters in
books rather than long chapters because everybody's busy. So what
we're dealing with this book is a lot of topics,
short chapters on a lot of topics related to various
(02:50):
aspects of the relationship. You know, one, of course, is
the whole issue of conflicts. And how do we solve
conflicts without arguing with each other. How do we process
our differences? But a lot of different topics. And I'm
thinking that people are going to find this book not
only readable, but it's also going to help them at
the end of every chapter, we have specific ideas in
(03:12):
terms of how you can apply what you've just read
to your own marriage. So it's a very practical book.
I'm very excited about it. It sounds.
S5 (03:20):
Really good. Can't wait to talk with John about that
as well. It came out earlier this month and if
you go to Building relationships.us and click resources. You'll see
that by Doctor Chapman and John Hinckley. A simple guide
for making marriage better. Go to building relationships.us. All right.
We're going to start with a written question for you
this week, Gary. And this is a tough one. Doctor Chapman,
(03:44):
my wife of 26 years, left me three months ago.
Only now do I understand that her love language is
acts of service. Is there any way I can do
acts of service for her from a different residence than her.
I am dying inside without her. But she says that
the love is dead. When I told her I read
(04:05):
your book, though, she seemed interested. Please help Doctor Chapman.
Any advice you can give me, I will follow.
S6 (04:13):
Well, I can be empathetic with this caller, of course,
because I think any time that a spouse chooses to
leave us and communicate that they don't feel loved by us,
it's devastating. Unfortunately, there are many individuals like this gentleman
who are really not aware of what's going on, are
(04:34):
not going on in the mind and heart of their spouse.
That's why I think the five love languages has been
so helpful to many couples. I'm glad that he's read
the book. At least he's got the picture now of
why she feels the way she feels, and if she
were open to reading the book, which she may or
may not be. But if she were, I think she
(04:55):
could look back and realise why she feels the way
she feels, and she could see that there's hope, because
we can always learn how to speak love to another
person in a meaningful way. So if he would feel
good sharing the copy of the book with her, or
maybe if she's got another friend who could give her
a copy of the book could be helpful. I would
(05:17):
suggest one other book that I've written that I think
he might find helpful, and that is it's entitled One
More Try What to Do When Your Marriage Is Falling Apart.
And it would be good for him to read it.
It'd be good for her to read it. Uh, in
terms of what else he might do, the fact that
he's read the book that he's shared with her, that
he believes her language is acts of service, and he
(05:40):
realizes he has not been good at that. Uh, he
might ask her, honey, where we are now. What could
I do that would be helpful to you? What could
I do that would be meaningful to you? And I
can't guarantee you know that she's going to say, well,
you do this, this, this, and I'll come back and
we can reconcile. My guess is this has been going
(06:03):
on for a long time in her heart and her mind.
But I think apologizing to her for his failures in
the past and asking her, what might I do now
that would be helpful to you at this stage in
our relationship? That kind of spirit, that kind of attitude,
I think, is the very best thing you could do
at this point.
S5 (06:24):
And any of the resources that we mentioned, pretty much
all the resources we mentioned are going to be located
at the website. If you go to Building Relationships, Dot
us and click resources, you can find that book One
More Try or the Five Love Languages or the next
book that we might talk about. Our next caller is
a mom with a question I think a lot of
(06:46):
parents are going to identify with.
S7 (06:49):
Hi, Gary. I don't know which book I should buy
my teenager. I don't know if I should just get
her the regular five love languages. Or do you have
one for the teens to sort of navigate through their feelings?
Does that help them navigating through understanding their feelings and
(07:10):
how to talk about it and things of that nature?
So I don't know if I should get the regular
five love languages or five love languages for teenagers. And
you do. Do you have one for girls specifically? But
thank you.
S6 (07:26):
I don't have one for girls specifically, but I do
have one specifically for teenagers. It's entitled A Teens Guide
to the Five Love Languages, and I have seen many,
many parents give this book to the teenager. The parent,
of course, is familiar with the love languages and how
it works in a marriage relationship, but also as a parent.
(07:49):
If you haven't read The Five Love languages of teenagers.
That book is written to parents of teenagers. So if
you are reading that book, The Five Love Languages of
Teenagers and the Teen is reading A Teen's Guide to
the Five Love Languages, it will open up conversation with
the two of you about this topic, and I think
(08:10):
you'll find it to be a real communication stimulator. I
would suggest each of those books.
S5 (08:16):
A featured resource is a simple guide for making marriage better. Quick,
practical insights. Every couple needs to thrive. Just go to
building relationships. Dot us and you'll find it right there.
Building relationships.us. All right Gary, here is a call about
a blended family.
S8 (08:36):
Hey, Gary. Love your program, for one thing. Got a
question for you about a blended family? Uh, blended family.
Husband is a widower, and he has three kids. He
remarried a woman who is divorced. She has two sons. Okay,
so blended family, the kids. The ages span from four
(09:02):
through 12. My question is, are both parents parenting blended family?
How do they make all the kids feel included? All
the kids feel loved without showing favoritism. How do you
(09:22):
navigate that, including with all the emotions and the feelings
that come with, you know, losing one parent through cancer
and then the other parent was through divorce? How do
you how would a two parents navigate that? Would love
your advice with that and just thank God for what
(09:44):
you do.
S6 (09:45):
Well, Chris, I'm glad to hear this call. I think
there are many, many people who are asking similar questions
if they're in a blended family. The love languages can
be very, very helpful in a blended family, but we
have to recognize just because you know their love language
doesn't mean that that stepchild will necessarily be super open
(10:08):
to your speaking their love language, at least in the
beginning stages of the relationship, because they don't have a
relationship with you yet. They're not emotionally bonded with you yet.
We discussed this in a lot of other issues in
a book that I wrote with Ron Diehl. It's entitled
Building Love Together in Blended Families. I think you would
(10:29):
find that book extremely helpful. Ron Diehl has worked with
blended families for 25 years and wrote this book with him.
I think you're going to find that the insights will
be very, very helpful in specific answer to your question.
I would say recognize, first of all, it's going to
take time for the stepparent to build an emotional bond
(10:53):
with the stepchildren, but I think it can be done
and over a period of time it will be done
if you learn how to speak their love language. He
mentioned ages four through 12, discussing with the children that
everybody has a love language, even the four year old.
You can discover a child's language by the time they're
four years old. Everybody has a love language. So mommy
(11:15):
has a language. Daddy has a language, and all the
children have a language. And what we want to learn
as a family is how to express love to each other.
Because we love each other. We just want all of
you to feel loved. And so I think having an
open discussion like that with the children would be the
beginning place in building that emotional bond. But I do
(11:38):
think if you work through that book, you'll find a
lot of other practical ideas as well.
S9 (11:42):
Yes.
S5 (11:43):
And you can find that at the website. Again, building
relationships Once you actually click store and you go down,
you'll see building love together in blended families. Subtitled The
Five Love Languages and Becoming Stepfamily Smart. Again, just go
to building relationships. Dot us and you can find out more.
(12:03):
The calls. The questions continue. I don't think we've ever
had this situation in a marriage represented on the program.
Here's our next call.
S3 (12:13):
Hi Gary, I'm calling because my husband and I have
been apart for ten years because he lives in a
foreign country. I understand he had addictions and he's going
to 12 step programs and he's like, everything's okay with
him now. But basically we've been operating financially separately since 2015,
(12:35):
when the government detained him and eventually had to do
voluntary departure. But we've been financially separated. But he's making
financial decisions with his family and including adopting two children
without my permission and not sending any money at all
to our son, who is his flesh and blood. So
(12:56):
I am no longer sending him money. I was before,
but I stopped sending him money when he adopted the
second child. And now I'm at a point where, uh,
after being apart from him for ten years, I'm getting
to the emotional thing of why I don't feel any
emotions anymore. And I'm starting to question if I actually
am in a marriage or not. It's really confusing me.
(13:16):
So I'm sure you don't hear that a lot. But
if you have anything, uh, just let me know. Thank you. Bye.
S6 (13:23):
Well, this is a very, very difficult situation. I think
most of us who hear that caller are thinking to ourselves,
how can that be ten years apart physically with the
husband in another country required to be. They're not allowed
to come back, at least at this juncture. So this
(13:46):
is this is a very unique situation. And I don't
know all the ins and outs, of course, of the relationship.
I do find it very strange that he would adopt
two children in another country while not supporting financially the
child of which he is the father. Now, I don't
(14:06):
know whether he is involved with another woman. The caller
doesn't say that. Maybe the caller doesn't know that, but
the fact that he would adopt children lends me to
think he might be involved with someone else. So I
just think you're in a very, very difficult situation. And
I don't know that I have the answer to it,
(14:27):
but apparently it's not just a matter of being geographically separated,
but in many other ways you're separated, that is, he's
not giving you any money to and you're not giving
him any money. And you say something about him still
controlling the finances. I don't know how that works. I
would suggest it would be really helpful for you to
(14:48):
sit down with a Christian counselor and share the situation fully,
and work through the various aspects of this relationship, in
terms of deciding what might be the best approach for
you to take, because it's a very, very complicated situation.
And I do think having an outsider help you think
(15:09):
through all the various aspects of your relationship at this
juncture would be very, very helpful.
S5 (15:17):
And I think what you're putting your finger on, Gary, is,
is what is here, what is the truth in this
and is there? And there may not be a way
to find that out from him. If he's hiding something,
he may not be, but and he may be. And
I just wonder if there's somebody, you know, on the
ground in that other country that she could ask, you know, hey,
(15:39):
can you tell me what's going on? Or, you know,
that might not be possible either. She just needs more
information from him in order to find out. Because I
found that to be the same thing. You know, if
he's adopting children, it's like, wait, what is what's really
going on here? That's the question, right?
S6 (15:58):
Yeah, absolutely. Chris. And whether or not she knows anyone
in the other country who could share information with her,
I don't know, but it would certainly be valuable if
she had a contact in that country that could help
her with that.
S9 (16:10):
Yeah.
S5 (16:11):
Well, that's a complex question. Obviously you can't deal with
everything here on the radio, but these are some of
the things that people are going through. And I'm glad
you called. 866424 Gary. And you can do the same
thing like this next caller did in response to a
program a few months ago about intimacy and marriage. We
(16:33):
are still getting response from that program that aired last fall.
This question is from the husband's perspective.
S10 (16:42):
Hi, Gary. Um, my question is how to show my
wife that I want her. And what if I struggle
with desiring my wife to have sexual intercourse with her
and show her that I desire her?
S6 (17:01):
Well, it's unclear in my mind whether the caller has
a desire to be sexually intimate with his wife or
whether he doesn't. A part of me thinks he's saying,
I don't have that desire. How do I explain that
to her? I still love her, but I don't want
to have sex with her because that was a part
(17:23):
of the situation that we talked about in another program.
So I don't know exactly where he's coming from, but
I think in terms of how do you communicate to
your wife that you love her, that you want to
be intimate with her, that you want to have a
healthy relationship Again. What I suggest, if couples are open,
is read a book together. And here's what I mean
(17:46):
by that. Read a chapter. Each of you read the
same chapter, and then you ask, what can we learn
from that chapter that might help us? It's working through
a book, any book, any Christian book on marriage, just
working through a book on marriage with an outside voice
that's bringing up different topics. And each of you read
the same thing and then say, what can we learn
from that chapter? It's it's it's it's not a quick fix,
(18:10):
but what it is, it begins to build communication between
the two of you in which you're talking about real life.
And that's where changes are made when a couple is
having open communication. And to me, that's one of the
easiest ways to start and build positive communication in a
marriage is by sharing a book together. And I think
(18:32):
you'll find that helpful. If she's open to that and
chances are she will be.
S5 (18:37):
What I picked up from his call was this. I
used to have a desire, and it's kind of waned.
And I don't have the same desire anymore. And I
want to. But I don't know how to make this happen.
You know, make this everything come together. So the tension
(18:57):
was more inside of him than really even with his wife.
Does that make sense?
S6 (19:03):
Yeah, it does. And that's why I think I wouldn't
start with that topic, you know, to hitting her over
the head with that idea. I would start with saying,
you know, honey, I've been thinking about us and I
really want us to have a growing marriage, and I
don't know how you feel about where we are. If
we had to rate us on a scale of 0
to 10, how you would rate us. But I just
(19:24):
want us to have a growing marriage. So would you
be willing to work through a book with me? And
let's just read the chapter and you read it. I
read it, and then we say, what? What can we
learn from this chapter that would be helpful to us?
I think starting in that with that more generalized approach,
rather than bringing up this particular topic with her, because
(19:44):
I don't know how she's feeling. But eventually, if it's
a Christian book on marriage, there will be a chapter
on sexuality. Okay. And you'll get to that. But you
need to have some conversation about the rest of marriage,
because that also greatly impacts the sexual aspect of marriage.
S5 (20:01):
Well, thank you for that question. Again. If you want
to respond to that caller or ask a question yourself. 866424. Gary,
here's another question. This one is written. Gary I listen
to Moody Radio. I read today in The Word, which
is a devotional from Moody. I am 25 months into
my grief journey, and I would like to know if
(20:23):
you can suggest any books targeted for widowers. My wife
and I were married in January of 2017. By October
of 2018, she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in November
of 2022. She was heaven bound. I miss her touch,
her singing and laughter, but most of all holding hands
(20:45):
with our heads bowed in prayer. And I miss her
reading our nightly devotional. Praying alone and reading my Bible
just before bed doesn't replace her, but it does help.
I was a full time caregiver for her, and I
still volunteer at the cancer center where my wife had
all her treatments. I wear ugly shirts and hats and
try to make the person with cancer smile. This is
(21:07):
a small way for me to say thank you. Any
help you could give would be appreciated. So what would
you say to this man? And I think it's interesting.
He says, I'm 25 months into my grief journey. He's
counting it down to the month there.
S6 (21:22):
Yeah. Yeah. Well, you have to be empathetic with this caller.
The fact that they were only married for, you know,
a short time, as it were. And then early on,
after the Wedding. She came down with the cancer, so
you have to be empathetic with him. What I would
say is this grief is a journey. There's no magic
(21:45):
wand waved that you do this, and then the grief
is over. No. We will always be aware of the
loss when we lose a spouse. I do think the
fact that he is reaching out to minister to those
cancer patients, which he mentioned. I think that's a positive
thing because he's making a contribution in their lives by
(22:09):
trying to, you know, have some humor with them and,
and just expressing interest in them as an individual. So
I think that's good. I don't know if the caller
is familiar with grief share, but it's a national Christian
program all over the country. And there are churches almost
in every city who has grief share groups. It's about
(22:30):
a 12 week program can be very, very helpful. In fact,
I'd suggest our caller may be Google Griefshare. There's those
two words Griefshare and you'll discover their website and all
the materials that they have available. And you'll also be
able to locate a griefshare group that's in your area geographically,
(22:51):
because there's value in processing grief with other people who
are going through grief. And that program has been very,
very helpful to literally thousands and thousands of people who
are grieving. And it's a very strongly Christian program. So
that would be my suggestion. And I think there you'll
find a lot of other help in terms of books
(23:12):
and articles and that sort of thing that will be
helpful to you in the process. But the process is
a process, and it will take time to get back on,
as it were, level ground emotionally after you've lost a spouse.
But as I said earlier, it doesn't mean you'll ever
get over it. We will always miss a person that
(23:35):
we loved and we vested our lives with.
S5 (23:38):
I looked at different books and actually wrote him back
and H. Norm Wright is one of my favorite authors
on on grief of years gone by. But as I
was looking at it, I saw that most of the
material is written more for women than for men. And
I wanted to ask you, is there do you think
(23:59):
there's a difference between women and men as far as
that grief process goes?
S6 (24:05):
I think it's more individually than it is male or female.
But you're right that more books are written by widows
to widows than are written by widowers to widowers. So
you're exactly right. And that's why I suggest the grief share,
because they're dealing with men and women who are processing grief.
S4 (24:31):
You're listening to the Building Relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast.
If you go to our website Building Relationships Us, you'll
see the latest release from Doctor Gary Chapman and his co-author,
John Hinckley. It's the book A simple guide for Making
marriage better. Quick, practical insights every couple needs to thrive.
(24:51):
Just go to building relationships. Dot us. Plus, while you're there,
find out when Gary might be coming to your area
for a seminar. Click the events tab at Building Relationships.
Dot us.
S5 (25:04):
And don't forget you can ask Gary a question at 1866424. Gary,
call that number. Leave your message and you may hear
an answer in a future. Dear Gary broadcast 1-866-424-4279. I
want you to hear a call that I received, Gary.
(25:27):
And this voicemail was actually for a different program, Chris
Fabry Live. But I thought this really fits in with
building relationships. We had a guest named Jerry Edgar, who
was paralyzed in a high school football accident in the 1980s,
and he told his story of the years that his
(25:47):
wife cared for him, as well as some of his
friends who came along every day to his home. At
like 5:00 in the morning, they came and got him
ready for for work that day. He teaches at a
school and still does. So the listener heard Jerry's story,
and then she said this.
S11 (26:06):
Um, I'm listening to Moody Radio right now with Jerry
and how inspiring. I was married to my high school
sweetheart who had a diving accident and broke his neck
and actually cared for him for 37 years, just lost
him a few years ago. But I understand where he's
coming from, where you can find the blessing in the tragedy.
(26:29):
God has been faithful. Adopted. Two kids have four grandkids.
Our life was filled with God's blessings from top to bottom.
He was an amazing man who sought the Lord, and
he had the same mindset of if that accident hadn't
happened to him, would he be as close to the
Lord as he was? And the Lord was faithful in
(26:51):
strengthening me to the very end. And for those who
are suffering or have that same, um, tragedy. The Lord
works through it, and he makes a blessing out of it.
He's turned everything upside down. And I am very grateful
for your program, for listening. So have a great day.
God bless.
S6 (27:13):
Well, Chris, I'm glad this lady called in response to
what she heard on your program. Uh, I think anyone
out there who is caring for a spouse, whether it's
a wife caring for a husband or a husband, caring
for a wife who has disabilities of various kinds would
be encouraged by what this lady just said. 37 years.
(27:38):
She cared for her husband. They adopted two children in
the process of all of that. So along with caring
for him, there were the two children to raise as well.
And you hear the joy in her heart. You hear
the satisfaction in how she invested so much of her life,
you know, in caring for him and how his walk
(27:59):
with God was encouraging to her. So, you know, I
think we always question in our minds, at least initially,
when things like this happen, of why did this happen?
And why are there people who have to live the
bulk of their life, you know, with a disability that
came rather quickly and sometimes early in their life? And
(28:20):
we don't always have answers to all of that, but
we are where we are, and God is with us
wherever we are in our journey, whether we're the one
who is suffering from the disability. Or whether we're the
one who's caring for the person who is disabled. Uh,
we are walking life together, and this happens to be
(28:40):
our journey and relationship with God, of course, is central
in walking through a journey like that. Because God is
with us, whether we're healthy or whether we're not healthy.
And God has plans for us with whatever limitations we have.
I remember a dear friend of mine who was bedridden
(29:00):
for many, many years. He had been a pastor earlier
in his life, and he was at the place where
he could hardly move any part of his body. But
he had a prayer ministry and he prayed. That was
his ministry. And I would share with him my own
needs and ask prayer, and other people would share with him.
So whatever our limitations, there's always a way that God
(29:22):
wants to use our lives. And whether we're caring for
that person or whether we're being cared for. The relationship
with God makes all of life meaningful.
S5 (29:33):
That word that you just used is the same one
that I thought of. Joy. There was joy coming from
her and she didn't go back and lament, you know
how hard it was. I'm sure it was. Or why
did this happen? She just was so joyful at being
able to serve him. The other thing is, she didn't
call in order to be on the radio. You know,
(29:55):
she just called to leave that message. But I wanted
to play that here. Mainly Gary, for somebody who is
in silence, who's working, who's doing that hard job of caregiving,
and nobody sees, nobody knows what's going on. Nobody knows
the the sleepless nights that you've had and the worries
(30:16):
and the struggles that you're going through. And just hearing
her voice, I think, is an encouragement to anybody who's
going through that.
S6 (30:24):
Yeah, I fully agree with that Chris. It was that.
Really appreciate her calling and sharing that.
S5 (30:31):
Well, before we hear our next caller, let me give
you the number again. I'd love to hear from you. 866424. Gary.
But I want to let you know that the question
that you ask or the struggle that you may explain
here in a phone call, might be the very thing
that somebody else needs to hear to let them know
(30:51):
they're not alone. Like our last caller was serving her
husband for all those years. So don't hold back and
think that your call is not important or it's too specific.
This is a grandmother who's in a really difficult situation.
S12 (31:07):
Um, my phone's gone. Trying to save my family from
some really dark things. And I'm hanging on. And God
has given me so much strength. But if people just
could pray quietly, silently, in their own way at times,
save my grandson from really ugly situation. We just need prayers.
My mama always said, if you save the life of
(31:29):
a child, you save the world. I haven't lost my faith.
I know there's darkness everywhere. People are so different. But
that little boy never knew how to pray. Till grandma
came and he learned to pray. He finally felt happy.
And then his ugly. Ugly. Took him away. I'm still
(31:50):
in the home. It's a dangerous situation, but it's under surveillance,
so to speak. And I'm not leaving. I'm having a
hard time getting help for my son, and, uh, my
grandson is my heart. So pray for us. This little boy.
We need to protect him in so many ways. And
(32:11):
I don't fear because I will stand with God on
my back. But I'm tired, and it's a lot of work.
And if we could just not have those hiccups. Just
a little bit of extra good luck. Kind of, you know,
a little good luck. I could really, really use it.
Thank you.
S6 (32:30):
You know, Chris, as I hear this grandmother sharing her
love for her grandson and staying in a very difficult
situation for his benefit. I'm thinking of scores and scores
of grandparents across this country who are caring for grandsons
and granddaughters because of situations where their the biological father
(32:54):
or mother maybe are incarcerated, or sometimes, of course, they've
deceased or they're addicted to drugs and that sort of thing.
And grandmothers are playing a tremendously positive role in the
lives of those grandchildren. So I really appreciate this lady calling.
You can feel the pain, the hurt, the difficulty, and
(33:17):
yet she's so willing to do it because she recognizes
that she is the one who's having the positive influence
on that grandson. And as she mentioned, you know, if
you help a grandson, you help a son, ultimately you're
going to help the world. And she mentioned that he
had never prayed. I think she said that she and
he had never learned to pray until she, you know,
(33:39):
began to pray with him. So the power of a grandparent,
whether it's a grandmother or grandfather who's spending time with
the grandchild, is time well invested. And I think everyone
who heard this call would want to pray for this grandmother.
So can we just take a moment and pray? Father,
(33:59):
thank you for this caller and for scores of others
across this country who are caring for their grandchildren. Will
you give them wisdom? Will you give them guidance? Will
you continue to give them a vision of how important
their role is in the life of that grandchild? And
I pray for all those His grandchildren who are being
(34:21):
raised basically by grandparents. Father, by your spirit. Will you
draw them to yourself? And in spite of the fact
that for whatever reason, they haven't had a lot of
parental help, may they recognize the value of their grandparents,
and may they come to know you in a personal
way and go on to invest their lives in a
(34:44):
meaningful way. In the name of Christ, we pray. Amen.
S5 (34:49):
Gary, I want to read another question that was written
to you. He writes, I'm an avid believer in your
love languages book. The first time I read it, I
understood it immediately. I'm 54 and I've been married for
28 years. I love my wife with all my heart,
but she just dropped a bomb on me earlier this year. Initially,
(35:11):
she stated she was going through a mid-life crisis and
didn't love me anymore. It makes me think of chapter 12.
In your book, she goes from positive to negative almost instantly.
She has said she needs to fix herself, but we
will get through this. Most recently, she said that doesn't
mean getting through it together. She has said she needs space,
(35:33):
time and patience. Then she said she doesn't know if
she wants to save the marriage. She has good moments
to volatile moments. I am trying every day. She's even
acknowledged I'm trying and sees the effort I'm putting in
to saving the marriage. She's admitted she isn't really putting
in any effort. I'm at a loss. She says. She's
(35:55):
not ready for couples counseling. She's agreed to counseling, but
wants to wait until she's ready. I see a counselor
and she sits in actively on my sessions. She has
stated she has one chance left, but doesn't know if
she wants to give it to me. There has never
been abuse in our relationship. I don't know what to
do or where to go. Thanks for any consideration.
S6 (36:20):
Well, I'm glad, Chris, that he is getting counseling because
obviously he's in a very, very frustrating situation. And I
think the fact that he has taken the initiative to
reach out and see a counselor himself that is positive.
The fact that she sits in on those sessions is
(36:40):
somewhat unusual, but I think a very positive thing that
she is willing to hear him processing his life and
his ideas and his struggles and all with with the counselor.
I think that's a plus. I would hope that she
would be willing to go for counseling. He indicates that
she says she is open to that, but it has
(37:02):
to be on her time schedule and she's not ready
for that right now. Well, we can't force somebody to
go to counseling to be sure. I think the fact
that he is trying, that's a plus, and she's recognizing
that he is trying. She's not quite sure whether she
wants to give him an opportunity to work on the
(37:22):
marriage with him. She's really struggling in that whole area
and that's why, again, she desperately needs counseling. If I
could talk with her individually, I would encourage her to
get counseling. I think another thing I would suggest to
her is the book I mentioned earlier in our program,
and that is one more try. What to do when
(37:46):
your marriage is falling apart? Because in her idea, obviously
the marriage is in trouble and sometimes people in that
situation feel like their only option is just to get
out of the marriage and maybe start over with somebody
else and it'll be better. Well, we know that's not
the answer. I mean, the divorce rate in second marriages
is higher than first marriages. We're going to marry. If
(38:08):
you do that, you're going to marry a human. And
they have a history and they have problems. And so
that's never the answer. The answer always is to look
to God to give us wisdom on what do we
do now? We're in trouble. We're in deep trouble. But
we need help and we want your help. So I
would encourage her to reach out to God. I don't
(38:29):
know if she's a Christian or not, but even non-Christians
can begin a relationship with God that can transform their lives.
So I would just encourage him not to give up
himself if she were open to reading the book. One
more try. I would certainly think that God could use
that to help her see the possibility that real changes
(38:49):
can be made. And I think the fact that he
has an open heart to this is a plus. So
I would just say to him, don't give up. Continue
your efforts to reach out, to express love to her
that you care for her, that you want to help
her walk through what she's struggling with, and that you
want to be the husband that she longs for, and
(39:12):
that you believe you can be that with the help
of God.
S5 (39:16):
Let me follow up. At the risk of being misunderstood here.
Gary and you correct me if I'm wrong for even
asking the question, but I pick up a little bit
in the the question. This idea that he's I'm trying
really hard and if I just try a little bit harder,
you know, I'm going to I'm going to turn this
(39:37):
thing around by myself or my love for her. If
I just pour out love, love, love, then she's going
to respond to this. And so my question is, is
there anything that he can do that is a that
is a mistake in the relationship of being I don't
want to. The word needy is is the word that
(39:57):
comes to mind. And that's not the right word. But
kind of you have to you can't go. You've got
to stay. You've got to be in this. If if
he presents that rather than rather than strength to her saying, look,
I love you no matter what you decide here. And
I am here for you. And when he shows her
(40:20):
that kind of strength, is there something from that that
that she really might need?
S6 (40:28):
Well, I think so. I think, you know, this concept
of him, like, as it were, begging her. Yes. You know,
we don't get very far with that, that approach because
it shows weakness. You know, I'm desperately in need of you.
I desperately have to have you. Uh, that doesn't do
much for the other person. It appears to me that
(40:49):
she has felt neglected through the years, and that she
has not felt loved by him. And now his efforts
to reach out and try to show her that he
loves her. And, you know, she she's just not sure
that it's going to make any difference in the long run.
That's why I think him simply apologizing for failures in
the past and letting her know I'm with you. I
(41:12):
want to do everything I can to help you process this,
whether it's with me or without me. I want you
to be a healthy person. And that's why I would
encourage you to get counseling. Because I believe that God
wants you to have a meaningful life. If I can
be a part of that, that's what I certainly would like.
But I want you to get the help you need
(41:34):
to be the person you believe God wants you to be.
I think that approach is much more positive.
S9 (41:39):
Yes.
S5 (41:40):
And and him going for counseling, that is a very
a lot of people say, well, that's a weak thing
to do. I say, no, that is one of the
strongest courageous things you can do to work on yourself.
And I found it interesting as well. As you pointed out,
it's a little different to see that she's sitting in,
(42:01):
you know, on that whole thing. Um, but but that
he's getting the counseling, I think is a really strong
thing for him to do, don't you?
S6 (42:09):
Absolutely, Chris, because it says, I'm serious about this. I
recognize I'm not perfect. I want to grow. I want
to find out what I can do to be a
different person.
S5 (42:21):
All right, Gary, we have time for one question from
start marriage. Right. And this is in written form. Again,
it's a deep question, but it's short and sweet. How
do you deal with bitterness toward a family member? What
do you say?
S6 (42:38):
Well, bitterness is a feeling. It begins with a feeling,
but it also becomes an attitude if you don't deal
with it. Bitterness tends to grow out of hurt. We
feel like we've been wronged, and therefore we have a
sense of anger. We have a sense of bitterness toward
the other person. I think we take it to God.
(42:58):
We say, Lord, you know what I've gone through? You
know how I've been treated. You know the anger that
I feel, you know the bitterness that I feel toward them.
But I recognize I'm not the person to demand justice.
I want to turn them over to you. This is
precisely what Jesus did. Peter said about Jesus when they
(43:19):
reviled against him, he didn't revile back. He committed himself
to the father who knows well, so you commit the
person to God. Certainly conversations with them can be helpful,
but if the conversations lead into arguments or you're condemning
them for how awful they are, that's not going anywhere positive.
(43:40):
So acknowledge your bitterness to God. Acknowledge your anger to God,
their normal feelings. But Lord, I don't want to be
controlled by these emotions. I want to commit them to you.
If there's anything else I can do that would turn
things around, I'm open if you'll bring it to my mind.
But I want to commit them to you. I know
you love them, but I know you're also a just God.
(44:02):
And so I'm turning them over to you. I'm releasing
my anger and my bitterness to you. I want to
live my life in a positive way. Doing something good
and not allow their behavior to control my behavior.
S5 (44:15):
So forgiveness is the kissing cousin to the answer to this,
because you've talked about letting people go, you know, releasing
them in a sense, it sounds like that's the same
kind of process that you go through with your own bitterness.
S6 (44:30):
I think it is. I think you release your bitterness.
You release your anger to God. You're being open and
honest with God. He already knows. But you're saying, I
don't want to be controlled by these emotions. So I
want to release this to you, knowing that you have
the ability to bring justice. If they don't apologize and repent,
or to give forgiveness if they do repent. And I
(44:53):
can forgive them if they ever repent.
S5 (44:56):
Well, before we conclude, here's how you can leave a
question for Doctor Chapman. Just call us at 1866424. Gary,
a question, a comment. We'd love to hear from you. 1-866-424-4279.
And you can find simple ways to strengthen your relationships
online at. Building relationships.us. Our featured resource is titled A
(45:21):
Simple Guide for Making Marriage Better. Quick, Practical insights. Every
couple needs to thrive. Just go to building Relationships us.
S6 (45:30):
And next week how to restore joy when you feel burdened, broken,
or burned out.
S4 (45:37):
Don't miss a conversation with author and speaker Ashrita ChuChu
in one week. A big thank you to our production team,
Steve Wick and Janice. Backing building relationships with Doctor Gary
Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in association with
Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.
How do they make all the kids feel included without
showing favoritism?
S2 (00:06):
What if I struggle with desiring my wife?
S3 (00:09):
I'm getting to the emotional thing of why I don't
feel any emotions anymore, and I'm starting to question if
I actually am in a marriage or not.
S4 (00:18):
Welcome to building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of
the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages. It's
time for our Dear Gary broadcast for the month of February,
featuring your calls and questions for this trusted author and speaker.
S5 (00:34):
We have some written questions for Doctor Chapman today, as
well as your recorded calls, and let me encourage you
if you have something going on in your relationships. If
you're single, you're married, and you have a question or comment,
call us at 1866424. Gary. And this is not just
a problem line. Maybe there's something that's happened in your
(00:55):
relationship that went well. Maybe it is because of the
five love languages and you want to encourage somebody else
with your experience. So questions, comments, even response to our
conversation today. Call 1-866-424-4279.
S6 (01:13):
You know, Chris, I always enjoy these conversations because they
remind me of what happens during the conferences that I
lead throughout the country. You know, when people come up
to me afterwards and and they say, Doc Chapman, we
just want to tell you and they'll tell me their story.
Many times it is how the five love languages impacted
their marriage 20 years ago. Sometimes, you know, or 15
(01:34):
years ago and how it really saved their marriage and
turned things around. So I always enjoy calls from people
who are not just asking questions, but also making comments
about what they have found helpful, you know, in their relationship.
S5 (01:49):
And you can find out where Gary is going to
be in the coming weeks by going to the website
Building relationships.us. Just click events and you'll see his speaking
schedule again, building relationships us. And while you're there, click
the resources tab and you'll find the featured resource for today,
the book by Doctor Chapman and John Hinckley. A Simple
(02:11):
Guide for Making Marriage Better. Quick, practical insights. Every couple
needs to thrive. And Gary, we're going to have John
with us, with you in just a few weeks to
talk about that book. But can you give us an
overview or maybe one of the quick, practical insights that
I need today?
S6 (02:29):
Well, you know, Chris, I wrote this book along with
John because I have the sense that more and more
in today's culture, people are looking for short chapters in
books rather than long chapters because everybody's busy. So what
we're dealing with this book is a lot of topics,
short chapters on a lot of topics related to various
(02:50):
aspects of the relationship. You know, one, of course, is
the whole issue of conflicts. And how do we solve
conflicts without arguing with each other. How do we process
our differences? But a lot of different topics. And I'm
thinking that people are going to find this book not
only readable, but it's also going to help them at
the end of every chapter, we have specific ideas in
(03:12):
terms of how you can apply what you've just read
to your own marriage. So it's a very practical book.
I'm very excited about it. It sounds.
S5 (03:20):
Really good. Can't wait to talk with John about that
as well. It came out earlier this month and if
you go to Building relationships.us and click resources. You'll see
that by Doctor Chapman and John Hinckley. A simple guide
for making marriage better. Go to building relationships.us. All right.
We're going to start with a written question for you
this week, Gary. And this is a tough one. Doctor Chapman,
(03:44):
my wife of 26 years, left me three months ago.
Only now do I understand that her love language is
acts of service. Is there any way I can do
acts of service for her from a different residence than her.
I am dying inside without her. But she says that
the love is dead. When I told her I read
(04:05):
your book, though, she seemed interested. Please help Doctor Chapman.
Any advice you can give me, I will follow.
S6 (04:13):
Well, I can be empathetic with this caller, of course,
because I think any time that a spouse chooses to
leave us and communicate that they don't feel loved by us,
it's devastating. Unfortunately, there are many individuals like this gentleman
who are really not aware of what's going on, are
(04:34):
not going on in the mind and heart of their spouse.
That's why I think the five love languages has been
so helpful to many couples. I'm glad that he's read
the book. At least he's got the picture now of
why she feels the way she feels, and if she
were open to reading the book, which she may or
may not be. But if she were, I think she
(04:55):
could look back and realise why she feels the way
she feels, and she could see that there's hope, because
we can always learn how to speak love to another
person in a meaningful way. So if he would feel
good sharing the copy of the book with her, or
maybe if she's got another friend who could give her
a copy of the book could be helpful. I would
(05:17):
suggest one other book that I've written that I think
he might find helpful, and that is it's entitled One
More Try What to Do When Your Marriage Is Falling Apart.
And it would be good for him to read it.
It'd be good for her to read it. Uh, in
terms of what else he might do, the fact that
he's read the book that he's shared with her, that
he believes her language is acts of service, and he
(05:40):
realizes he has not been good at that. Uh, he
might ask her, honey, where we are now. What could
I do that would be helpful to you? What could
I do that would be meaningful to you? And I
can't guarantee you know that she's going to say, well,
you do this, this, this, and I'll come back and
we can reconcile. My guess is this has been going
(06:03):
on for a long time in her heart and her mind.
But I think apologizing to her for his failures in
the past and asking her, what might I do now
that would be helpful to you at this stage in
our relationship? That kind of spirit, that kind of attitude,
I think, is the very best thing you could do
at this point.
S5 (06:24):
And any of the resources that we mentioned, pretty much
all the resources we mentioned are going to be located
at the website. If you go to Building Relationships, Dot
us and click resources, you can find that book One
More Try or the Five Love Languages or the next
book that we might talk about. Our next caller is
a mom with a question I think a lot of
(06:46):
parents are going to identify with.
S7 (06:49):
Hi, Gary. I don't know which book I should buy
my teenager. I don't know if I should just get
her the regular five love languages. Or do you have
one for the teens to sort of navigate through their feelings?
Does that help them navigating through understanding their feelings and
(07:10):
how to talk about it and things of that nature?
So I don't know if I should get the regular
five love languages or five love languages for teenagers. And
you do. Do you have one for girls specifically? But
thank you.
S6 (07:26):
I don't have one for girls specifically, but I do
have one specifically for teenagers. It's entitled A Teens Guide
to the Five Love Languages, and I have seen many,
many parents give this book to the teenager. The parent,
of course, is familiar with the love languages and how
it works in a marriage relationship, but also as a parent.
(07:49):
If you haven't read The Five Love languages of teenagers.
That book is written to parents of teenagers. So if
you are reading that book, The Five Love Languages of
Teenagers and the Teen is reading A Teen's Guide to
the Five Love Languages, it will open up conversation with
the two of you about this topic, and I think
(08:10):
you'll find it to be a real communication stimulator. I
would suggest each of those books.
S5 (08:16):
A featured resource is a simple guide for making marriage better. Quick,
practical insights. Every couple needs to thrive. Just go to
building relationships. Dot us and you'll find it right there.
Building relationships.us. All right Gary, here is a call about
a blended family.
S8 (08:36):
Hey, Gary. Love your program, for one thing. Got a
question for you about a blended family? Uh, blended family.
Husband is a widower, and he has three kids. He
remarried a woman who is divorced. She has two sons. Okay,
so blended family, the kids. The ages span from four
(09:02):
through 12. My question is, are both parents parenting blended family?
How do they make all the kids feel included? All
the kids feel loved without showing favoritism. How do you
(09:22):
navigate that, including with all the emotions and the feelings
that come with, you know, losing one parent through cancer
and then the other parent was through divorce? How do
you how would a two parents navigate that? Would love
your advice with that and just thank God for what
(09:44):
you do.
S6 (09:45):
Well, Chris, I'm glad to hear this call. I think
there are many, many people who are asking similar questions
if they're in a blended family. The love languages can
be very, very helpful in a blended family, but we
have to recognize just because you know their love language
doesn't mean that that stepchild will necessarily be super open
(10:08):
to your speaking their love language, at least in the
beginning stages of the relationship, because they don't have a
relationship with you yet. They're not emotionally bonded with you yet.
We discussed this in a lot of other issues in
a book that I wrote with Ron Diehl. It's entitled
Building Love Together in Blended Families. I think you would
(10:29):
find that book extremely helpful. Ron Diehl has worked with
blended families for 25 years and wrote this book with him.
I think you're going to find that the insights will
be very, very helpful in specific answer to your question.
I would say recognize, first of all, it's going to
take time for the stepparent to build an emotional bond
(10:53):
with the stepchildren, but I think it can be done
and over a period of time it will be done
if you learn how to speak their love language. He
mentioned ages four through 12, discussing with the children that
everybody has a love language, even the four year old.
You can discover a child's language by the time they're
four years old. Everybody has a love language. So mommy
(11:15):
has a language. Daddy has a language, and all the
children have a language. And what we want to learn
as a family is how to express love to each other.
Because we love each other. We just want all of
you to feel loved. And so I think having an
open discussion like that with the children would be the
beginning place in building that emotional bond. But I do
(11:38):
think if you work through that book, you'll find a
lot of other practical ideas as well.
S9 (11:42):
Yes.
S5 (11:43):
And you can find that at the website. Again, building
relationships Once you actually click store and you go down,
you'll see building love together in blended families. Subtitled The
Five Love Languages and Becoming Stepfamily Smart. Again, just go
to building relationships. Dot us and you can find out more.
(12:03):
The calls. The questions continue. I don't think we've ever
had this situation in a marriage represented on the program.
Here's our next call.
S3 (12:13):
Hi Gary, I'm calling because my husband and I have
been apart for ten years because he lives in a
foreign country. I understand he had addictions and he's going
to 12 step programs and he's like, everything's okay with
him now. But basically we've been operating financially separately since 2015,
(12:35):
when the government detained him and eventually had to do
voluntary departure. But we've been financially separated. But he's making
financial decisions with his family and including adopting two children
without my permission and not sending any money at all
to our son, who is his flesh and blood. So
(12:56):
I am no longer sending him money. I was before,
but I stopped sending him money when he adopted the
second child. And now I'm at a point where, uh,
after being apart from him for ten years, I'm getting
to the emotional thing of why I don't feel any
emotions anymore. And I'm starting to question if I actually
am in a marriage or not. It's really confusing me.
(13:16):
So I'm sure you don't hear that a lot. But
if you have anything, uh, just let me know. Thank you. Bye.
S6 (13:23):
Well, this is a very, very difficult situation. I think
most of us who hear that caller are thinking to ourselves,
how can that be ten years apart physically with the
husband in another country required to be. They're not allowed
to come back, at least at this juncture. So this
(13:46):
is this is a very unique situation. And I don't
know all the ins and outs, of course, of the relationship.
I do find it very strange that he would adopt
two children in another country while not supporting financially the
child of which he is the father. Now, I don't
(14:06):
know whether he is involved with another woman. The caller
doesn't say that. Maybe the caller doesn't know that, but
the fact that he would adopt children lends me to
think he might be involved with someone else. So I
just think you're in a very, very difficult situation. And
I don't know that I have the answer to it,
(14:27):
but apparently it's not just a matter of being geographically separated,
but in many other ways you're separated, that is, he's
not giving you any money to and you're not giving
him any money. And you say something about him still
controlling the finances. I don't know how that works. I
would suggest it would be really helpful for you to
(14:48):
sit down with a Christian counselor and share the situation fully,
and work through the various aspects of this relationship, in
terms of deciding what might be the best approach for
you to take, because it's a very, very complicated situation.
And I do think having an outsider help you think
(15:09):
through all the various aspects of your relationship at this
juncture would be very, very helpful.
S5 (15:17):
And I think what you're putting your finger on, Gary, is,
is what is here, what is the truth in this
and is there? And there may not be a way
to find that out from him. If he's hiding something,
he may not be, but and he may be. And
I just wonder if there's somebody, you know, on the
ground in that other country that she could ask, you know, hey,
(15:39):
can you tell me what's going on? Or, you know,
that might not be possible either. She just needs more
information from him in order to find out. Because I
found that to be the same thing. You know, if
he's adopting children, it's like, wait, what is what's really
going on here? That's the question, right?
S6 (15:58):
Yeah, absolutely. Chris. And whether or not she knows anyone
in the other country who could share information with her,
I don't know, but it would certainly be valuable if
she had a contact in that country that could help
her with that.
S9 (16:10):
Yeah.
S5 (16:11):
Well, that's a complex question. Obviously you can't deal with
everything here on the radio, but these are some of
the things that people are going through. And I'm glad
you called. 866424 Gary. And you can do the same
thing like this next caller did in response to a
program a few months ago about intimacy and marriage. We
(16:33):
are still getting response from that program that aired last fall.
This question is from the husband's perspective.
S10 (16:42):
Hi, Gary. Um, my question is how to show my
wife that I want her. And what if I struggle
with desiring my wife to have sexual intercourse with her
and show her that I desire her?
S6 (17:01):
Well, it's unclear in my mind whether the caller has
a desire to be sexually intimate with his wife or
whether he doesn't. A part of me thinks he's saying,
I don't have that desire. How do I explain that
to her? I still love her, but I don't want
to have sex with her because that was a part
(17:23):
of the situation that we talked about in another program.
So I don't know exactly where he's coming from, but
I think in terms of how do you communicate to
your wife that you love her, that you want to
be intimate with her, that you want to have a
healthy relationship Again. What I suggest, if couples are open,
is read a book together. And here's what I mean
(17:46):
by that. Read a chapter. Each of you read the
same chapter, and then you ask, what can we learn
from that chapter that might help us? It's working through
a book, any book, any Christian book on marriage, just
working through a book on marriage with an outside voice
that's bringing up different topics. And each of you read
the same thing and then say, what can we learn
from that chapter? It's it's it's it's not a quick fix,
(18:10):
but what it is, it begins to build communication between
the two of you in which you're talking about real life.
And that's where changes are made when a couple is
having open communication. And to me, that's one of the
easiest ways to start and build positive communication in a
marriage is by sharing a book together. And I think
(18:32):
you'll find that helpful. If she's open to that and
chances are she will be.
S5 (18:37):
What I picked up from his call was this. I
used to have a desire, and it's kind of waned.
And I don't have the same desire anymore. And I
want to. But I don't know how to make this happen.
You know, make this everything come together. So the tension
(18:57):
was more inside of him than really even with his wife.
Does that make sense?
S6 (19:03):
Yeah, it does. And that's why I think I wouldn't
start with that topic, you know, to hitting her over
the head with that idea. I would start with saying,
you know, honey, I've been thinking about us and I
really want us to have a growing marriage, and I
don't know how you feel about where we are. If
we had to rate us on a scale of 0
to 10, how you would rate us. But I just
(19:24):
want us to have a growing marriage. So would you
be willing to work through a book with me? And
let's just read the chapter and you read it. I
read it, and then we say, what? What can we
learn from this chapter that would be helpful to us?
I think starting in that with that more generalized approach,
rather than bringing up this particular topic with her, because
(19:44):
I don't know how she's feeling. But eventually, if it's
a Christian book on marriage, there will be a chapter
on sexuality. Okay. And you'll get to that. But you
need to have some conversation about the rest of marriage,
because that also greatly impacts the sexual aspect of marriage.
S5 (20:01):
Well, thank you for that question. Again. If you want
to respond to that caller or ask a question yourself. 866424. Gary,
here's another question. This one is written. Gary I listen
to Moody Radio. I read today in The Word, which
is a devotional from Moody. I am 25 months into
my grief journey, and I would like to know if
(20:23):
you can suggest any books targeted for widowers. My wife
and I were married in January of 2017. By October
of 2018, she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in November
of 2022. She was heaven bound. I miss her touch,
her singing and laughter, but most of all holding hands
(20:45):
with our heads bowed in prayer. And I miss her
reading our nightly devotional. Praying alone and reading my Bible
just before bed doesn't replace her, but it does help.
I was a full time caregiver for her, and I
still volunteer at the cancer center where my wife had
all her treatments. I wear ugly shirts and hats and
try to make the person with cancer smile. This is
(21:07):
a small way for me to say thank you. Any
help you could give would be appreciated. So what would
you say to this man? And I think it's interesting.
He says, I'm 25 months into my grief journey. He's
counting it down to the month there.
S6 (21:22):
Yeah. Yeah. Well, you have to be empathetic with this caller.
The fact that they were only married for, you know,
a short time, as it were. And then early on,
after the Wedding. She came down with the cancer, so
you have to be empathetic with him. What I would
say is this grief is a journey. There's no magic
(21:45):
wand waved that you do this, and then the grief
is over. No. We will always be aware of the
loss when we lose a spouse. I do think the
fact that he is reaching out to minister to those
cancer patients, which he mentioned. I think that's a positive
thing because he's making a contribution in their lives by
(22:09):
trying to, you know, have some humor with them and,
and just expressing interest in them as an individual. So
I think that's good. I don't know if the caller
is familiar with grief share, but it's a national Christian
program all over the country. And there are churches almost
in every city who has grief share groups. It's about
(22:30):
a 12 week program can be very, very helpful. In fact,
I'd suggest our caller may be Google Griefshare. There's those
two words Griefshare and you'll discover their website and all
the materials that they have available. And you'll also be
able to locate a griefshare group that's in your area geographically,
(22:51):
because there's value in processing grief with other people who
are going through grief. And that program has been very,
very helpful to literally thousands and thousands of people who
are grieving. And it's a very strongly Christian program. So
that would be my suggestion. And I think there you'll
find a lot of other help in terms of books
(23:12):
and articles and that sort of thing that will be
helpful to you in the process. But the process is
a process, and it will take time to get back on,
as it were, level ground emotionally after you've lost a spouse.
But as I said earlier, it doesn't mean you'll ever
get over it. We will always miss a person that
(23:35):
we loved and we vested our lives with.
S5 (23:38):
I looked at different books and actually wrote him back
and H. Norm Wright is one of my favorite authors
on on grief of years gone by. But as I
was looking at it, I saw that most of the
material is written more for women than for men. And
I wanted to ask you, is there do you think
(23:59):
there's a difference between women and men as far as
that grief process goes?
S6 (24:05):
I think it's more individually than it is male or female.
But you're right that more books are written by widows
to widows than are written by widowers to widowers. So
you're exactly right. And that's why I suggest the grief share,
because they're dealing with men and women who are processing grief.
S4 (24:31):
You're listening to the Building Relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast.
If you go to our website Building Relationships Us, you'll
see the latest release from Doctor Gary Chapman and his co-author,
John Hinckley. It's the book A simple guide for Making
marriage better. Quick, practical insights every couple needs to thrive.
(24:51):
Just go to building relationships. Dot us. Plus, while you're there,
find out when Gary might be coming to your area
for a seminar. Click the events tab at Building Relationships.
Dot us.
S5 (25:04):
And don't forget you can ask Gary a question at 1866424. Gary,
call that number. Leave your message and you may hear
an answer in a future. Dear Gary broadcast 1-866-424-4279. I
want you to hear a call that I received, Gary.
(25:27):
And this voicemail was actually for a different program, Chris
Fabry Live. But I thought this really fits in with
building relationships. We had a guest named Jerry Edgar, who
was paralyzed in a high school football accident in the 1980s,
and he told his story of the years that his
(25:47):
wife cared for him, as well as some of his
friends who came along every day to his home. At
like 5:00 in the morning, they came and got him
ready for for work that day. He teaches at a
school and still does. So the listener heard Jerry's story,
and then she said this.
S11 (26:06):
Um, I'm listening to Moody Radio right now with Jerry
and how inspiring. I was married to my high school
sweetheart who had a diving accident and broke his neck
and actually cared for him for 37 years, just lost
him a few years ago. But I understand where he's
coming from, where you can find the blessing in the tragedy.
(26:29):
God has been faithful. Adopted. Two kids have four grandkids.
Our life was filled with God's blessings from top to bottom.
He was an amazing man who sought the Lord, and
he had the same mindset of if that accident hadn't
happened to him, would he be as close to the
Lord as he was? And the Lord was faithful in
(26:51):
strengthening me to the very end. And for those who
are suffering or have that same, um, tragedy. The Lord
works through it, and he makes a blessing out of it.
He's turned everything upside down. And I am very grateful
for your program, for listening. So have a great day.
God bless.
S6 (27:13):
Well, Chris, I'm glad this lady called in response to
what she heard on your program. Uh, I think anyone
out there who is caring for a spouse, whether it's
a wife caring for a husband or a husband, caring
for a wife who has disabilities of various kinds would
be encouraged by what this lady just said. 37 years.
(27:38):
She cared for her husband. They adopted two children in
the process of all of that. So along with caring
for him, there were the two children to raise as well.
And you hear the joy in her heart. You hear
the satisfaction in how she invested so much of her life,
you know, in caring for him and how his walk
(27:59):
with God was encouraging to her. So, you know, I
think we always question in our minds, at least initially,
when things like this happen, of why did this happen?
And why are there people who have to live the
bulk of their life, you know, with a disability that
came rather quickly and sometimes early in their life? And
(28:20):
we don't always have answers to all of that, but
we are where we are, and God is with us
wherever we are in our journey, whether we're the one
who is suffering from the disability. Or whether we're the
one who's caring for the person who is disabled. Uh,
we are walking life together, and this happens to be
(28:40):
our journey and relationship with God, of course, is central
in walking through a journey like that. Because God is
with us, whether we're healthy or whether we're not healthy.
And God has plans for us with whatever limitations we have.
I remember a dear friend of mine who was bedridden
(29:00):
for many, many years. He had been a pastor earlier
in his life, and he was at the place where
he could hardly move any part of his body. But
he had a prayer ministry and he prayed. That was
his ministry. And I would share with him my own
needs and ask prayer, and other people would share with him.
So whatever our limitations, there's always a way that God
(29:22):
wants to use our lives. And whether we're caring for
that person or whether we're being cared for. The relationship
with God makes all of life meaningful.
S5 (29:33):
That word that you just used is the same one
that I thought of. Joy. There was joy coming from
her and she didn't go back and lament, you know
how hard it was. I'm sure it was. Or why
did this happen? She just was so joyful at being
able to serve him. The other thing is, she didn't
call in order to be on the radio. You know,
(29:55):
she just called to leave that message. But I wanted
to play that here. Mainly Gary, for somebody who is
in silence, who's working, who's doing that hard job of caregiving,
and nobody sees, nobody knows what's going on. Nobody knows
the the sleepless nights that you've had and the worries
(30:16):
and the struggles that you're going through. And just hearing
her voice, I think, is an encouragement to anybody who's
going through that.
S6 (30:24):
Yeah, I fully agree with that Chris. It was that.
Really appreciate her calling and sharing that.
S5 (30:31):
Well, before we hear our next caller, let me give
you the number again. I'd love to hear from you. 866424. Gary.
But I want to let you know that the question
that you ask or the struggle that you may explain
here in a phone call, might be the very thing
that somebody else needs to hear to let them know
(30:51):
they're not alone. Like our last caller was serving her
husband for all those years. So don't hold back and
think that your call is not important or it's too specific.
This is a grandmother who's in a really difficult situation.
S12 (31:07):
Um, my phone's gone. Trying to save my family from
some really dark things. And I'm hanging on. And God
has given me so much strength. But if people just
could pray quietly, silently, in their own way at times,
save my grandson from really ugly situation. We just need prayers.
My mama always said, if you save the life of
(31:29):
a child, you save the world. I haven't lost my faith.
I know there's darkness everywhere. People are so different. But
that little boy never knew how to pray. Till grandma
came and he learned to pray. He finally felt happy.
And then his ugly. Ugly. Took him away. I'm still
(31:50):
in the home. It's a dangerous situation, but it's under surveillance,
so to speak. And I'm not leaving. I'm having a
hard time getting help for my son, and, uh, my
grandson is my heart. So pray for us. This little boy.
We need to protect him in so many ways. And
(32:11):
I don't fear because I will stand with God on
my back. But I'm tired, and it's a lot of work.
And if we could just not have those hiccups. Just
a little bit of extra good luck. Kind of, you know,
a little good luck. I could really, really use it.
Thank you.
S6 (32:30):
You know, Chris, as I hear this grandmother sharing her
love for her grandson and staying in a very difficult
situation for his benefit. I'm thinking of scores and scores
of grandparents across this country who are caring for grandsons
and granddaughters because of situations where their the biological father
(32:54):
or mother maybe are incarcerated, or sometimes, of course, they've
deceased or they're addicted to drugs and that sort of thing.
And grandmothers are playing a tremendously positive role in the
lives of those grandchildren. So I really appreciate this lady calling.
You can feel the pain, the hurt, the difficulty, and
(33:17):
yet she's so willing to do it because she recognizes
that she is the one who's having the positive influence
on that grandson. And as she mentioned, you know, if
you help a grandson, you help a son, ultimately you're
going to help the world. And she mentioned that he
had never prayed. I think she said that she and
he had never learned to pray until she, you know,
(33:39):
began to pray with him. So the power of a grandparent,
whether it's a grandmother or grandfather who's spending time with
the grandchild, is time well invested. And I think everyone
who heard this call would want to pray for this grandmother.
So can we just take a moment and pray? Father,
(33:59):
thank you for this caller and for scores of others
across this country who are caring for their grandchildren. Will
you give them wisdom? Will you give them guidance? Will
you continue to give them a vision of how important
their role is in the life of that grandchild? And
I pray for all those His grandchildren who are being
(34:21):
raised basically by grandparents. Father, by your spirit. Will you
draw them to yourself? And in spite of the fact
that for whatever reason, they haven't had a lot of
parental help, may they recognize the value of their grandparents,
and may they come to know you in a personal
way and go on to invest their lives in a
(34:44):
meaningful way. In the name of Christ, we pray. Amen.
S5 (34:49):
Gary, I want to read another question that was written
to you. He writes, I'm an avid believer in your
love languages book. The first time I read it, I
understood it immediately. I'm 54 and I've been married for
28 years. I love my wife with all my heart,
but she just dropped a bomb on me earlier this year. Initially,
(35:11):
she stated she was going through a mid-life crisis and
didn't love me anymore. It makes me think of chapter 12.
In your book, she goes from positive to negative almost instantly.
She has said she needs to fix herself, but we
will get through this. Most recently, she said that doesn't
mean getting through it together. She has said she needs space,
(35:33):
time and patience. Then she said she doesn't know if
she wants to save the marriage. She has good moments
to volatile moments. I am trying every day. She's even
acknowledged I'm trying and sees the effort I'm putting in
to saving the marriage. She's admitted she isn't really putting
in any effort. I'm at a loss. She says. She's
(35:55):
not ready for couples counseling. She's agreed to counseling, but
wants to wait until she's ready. I see a counselor
and she sits in actively on my sessions. She has
stated she has one chance left, but doesn't know if
she wants to give it to me. There has never
been abuse in our relationship. I don't know what to
do or where to go. Thanks for any consideration.
S6 (36:20):
Well, I'm glad, Chris, that he is getting counseling because
obviously he's in a very, very frustrating situation. And I
think the fact that he has taken the initiative to
reach out and see a counselor himself that is positive.
The fact that she sits in on those sessions is
(36:40):
somewhat unusual, but I think a very positive thing that
she is willing to hear him processing his life and
his ideas and his struggles and all with with the counselor.
I think that's a plus. I would hope that she
would be willing to go for counseling. He indicates that
she says she is open to that, but it has
(37:02):
to be on her time schedule and she's not ready
for that right now. Well, we can't force somebody to
go to counseling to be sure. I think the fact
that he is trying, that's a plus, and she's recognizing
that he is trying. She's not quite sure whether she
wants to give him an opportunity to work on the
(37:22):
marriage with him. She's really struggling in that whole area
and that's why, again, she desperately needs counseling. If I
could talk with her individually, I would encourage her to
get counseling. I think another thing I would suggest to
her is the book I mentioned earlier in our program,
and that is one more try. What to do when
(37:46):
your marriage is falling apart? Because in her idea, obviously
the marriage is in trouble and sometimes people in that
situation feel like their only option is just to get
out of the marriage and maybe start over with somebody
else and it'll be better. Well, we know that's not
the answer. I mean, the divorce rate in second marriages
is higher than first marriages. We're going to marry. If
(38:08):
you do that, you're going to marry a human. And
they have a history and they have problems. And so
that's never the answer. The answer always is to look
to God to give us wisdom on what do we
do now? We're in trouble. We're in deep trouble. But
we need help and we want your help. So I
would encourage her to reach out to God. I don't
(38:29):
know if she's a Christian or not, but even non-Christians
can begin a relationship with God that can transform their lives.
So I would just encourage him not to give up
himself if she were open to reading the book. One
more try. I would certainly think that God could use
that to help her see the possibility that real changes
(38:49):
can be made. And I think the fact that he
has an open heart to this is a plus. So
I would just say to him, don't give up. Continue
your efforts to reach out, to express love to her
that you care for her, that you want to help
her walk through what she's struggling with, and that you
want to be the husband that she longs for, and
(39:12):
that you believe you can be that with the help
of God.
S5 (39:16):
Let me follow up. At the risk of being misunderstood here.
Gary and you correct me if I'm wrong for even
asking the question, but I pick up a little bit
in the the question. This idea that he's I'm trying
really hard and if I just try a little bit harder,
you know, I'm going to I'm going to turn this
(39:37):
thing around by myself or my love for her. If
I just pour out love, love, love, then she's going
to respond to this. And so my question is, is
there anything that he can do that is a that
is a mistake in the relationship of being I don't
want to. The word needy is is the word that
(39:57):
comes to mind. And that's not the right word. But
kind of you have to you can't go. You've got
to stay. You've got to be in this. If if
he presents that rather than rather than strength to her saying, look,
I love you no matter what you decide here. And
I am here for you. And when he shows her
(40:20):
that kind of strength, is there something from that that
that she really might need?
S6 (40:28):
Well, I think so. I think, you know, this concept
of him, like, as it were, begging her. Yes. You know,
we don't get very far with that, that approach because
it shows weakness. You know, I'm desperately in need of you.
I desperately have to have you. Uh, that doesn't do
much for the other person. It appears to me that
(40:49):
she has felt neglected through the years, and that she
has not felt loved by him. And now his efforts
to reach out and try to show her that he
loves her. And, you know, she she's just not sure
that it's going to make any difference in the long run.
That's why I think him simply apologizing for failures in
the past and letting her know I'm with you. I
(41:12):
want to do everything I can to help you process this,
whether it's with me or without me. I want you
to be a healthy person. And that's why I would
encourage you to get counseling. Because I believe that God
wants you to have a meaningful life. If I can
be a part of that, that's what I certainly would like.
But I want you to get the help you need
(41:34):
to be the person you believe God wants you to be.
I think that approach is much more positive.
S9 (41:39):
Yes.
S5 (41:40):
And and him going for counseling, that is a very
a lot of people say, well, that's a weak thing
to do. I say, no, that is one of the
strongest courageous things you can do to work on yourself.
And I found it interesting as well. As you pointed out,
it's a little different to see that she's sitting in,
(42:01):
you know, on that whole thing. Um, but but that
he's getting the counseling, I think is a really strong
thing for him to do, don't you?
S6 (42:09):
Absolutely, Chris, because it says, I'm serious about this. I
recognize I'm not perfect. I want to grow. I want
to find out what I can do to be a
different person.
S5 (42:21):
All right, Gary, we have time for one question from
start marriage. Right. And this is in written form. Again,
it's a deep question, but it's short and sweet. How
do you deal with bitterness toward a family member? What
do you say?
S6 (42:38):
Well, bitterness is a feeling. It begins with a feeling,
but it also becomes an attitude if you don't deal
with it. Bitterness tends to grow out of hurt. We
feel like we've been wronged, and therefore we have a
sense of anger. We have a sense of bitterness toward
the other person. I think we take it to God.
(42:58):
We say, Lord, you know what I've gone through? You
know how I've been treated. You know the anger that
I feel, you know the bitterness that I feel toward them.
But I recognize I'm not the person to demand justice.
I want to turn them over to you. This is
precisely what Jesus did. Peter said about Jesus when they
(43:19):
reviled against him, he didn't revile back. He committed himself
to the father who knows well, so you commit the
person to God. Certainly conversations with them can be helpful,
but if the conversations lead into arguments or you're condemning
them for how awful they are, that's not going anywhere positive.
(43:40):
So acknowledge your bitterness to God. Acknowledge your anger to God,
their normal feelings. But Lord, I don't want to be
controlled by these emotions. I want to commit them to you.
If there's anything else I can do that would turn
things around, I'm open if you'll bring it to my mind.
But I want to commit them to you. I know
you love them, but I know you're also a just God.
(44:02):
And so I'm turning them over to you. I'm releasing
my anger and my bitterness to you. I want to
live my life in a positive way. Doing something good
and not allow their behavior to control my behavior.
S5 (44:15):
So forgiveness is the kissing cousin to the answer to this,
because you've talked about letting people go, you know, releasing
them in a sense, it sounds like that's the same
kind of process that you go through with your own bitterness.
S6 (44:30):
I think it is. I think you release your bitterness.
You release your anger to God. You're being open and
honest with God. He already knows. But you're saying, I
don't want to be controlled by these emotions. So I
want to release this to you, knowing that you have
the ability to bring justice. If they don't apologize and repent,
or to give forgiveness if they do repent. And I
(44:53):
can forgive them if they ever repent.
S5 (44:56):
Well, before we conclude, here's how you can leave a
question for Doctor Chapman. Just call us at 1866424. Gary,
a question, a comment. We'd love to hear from you. 1-866-424-4279.
And you can find simple ways to strengthen your relationships
online at. Building relationships.us. Our featured resource is titled A
(45:21):
Simple Guide for Making Marriage Better. Quick, Practical insights. Every
couple needs to thrive. Just go to building Relationships us.
S6 (45:30):
And next week how to restore joy when you feel burdened, broken,
or burned out.
S4 (45:37):
Don't miss a conversation with author and speaker Ashrita ChuChu
in one week. A big thank you to our production team,
Steve Wick and Janice. Backing building relationships with Doctor Gary
Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in association with
Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.
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