March 29, 2025 • 45 mins
Marriage struggles. Parenting problems. Singles issues. It’s all up for discussion on this Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. Once a month we open the lines for your questions for this trusted pastor and author of the New York Times Bestseller, the Five Love Languages. The problems discussed may help you with a struggle you’re facing. Don’t miss the questions, answers, and encouragement on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.
Featured resource: A Teen’s Guide to The 5 Love Languages®
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Episode Transcript
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S1 (00:00):
Today we open the listener line for your questions on
building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman.
S2 (00:07):
I am trying to figure out what her love language is.
S3 (00:10):
What do you think about getting on dating sites?
S4 (00:13):
What's the best way for me to love her, even
though I can't really see or talk to her.
S5 (00:17):
Singles who are actually already parents? Where do we belong,
I guess.
S1 (00:25):
Welcome to building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of
the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages. It's
one of the most anticipated conversations of the month when
we open the listener line and hear from you as
you pose questions for Doctor Chapman. And we have some
great questions today on our March edition of Dear Gary.
S6 (00:44):
And it's our hope that something you hear today will
help you in your marriage, maybe your parenting, maybe in
your singleness. If you go to building relationships, you'll find
more simple ways to strengthen your relationships. You can call
and leave a question as well for an upcoming program.
If you hear something today and you say, hey, I
want to ask Doctor Chapman about that. 866424. Gary is
(01:08):
our number. Leave your message. We'll try to get to
it on a future broadcast. 1866424. Gary, we'd love to
hear from you today. Our featured resource is a book
by Doctor Chapman, A Teen's Guide to the Five Love Languages,
how to understand yourself and improve all your relationships. We
have it linked at Building Relationships. And Gary, you're going
(01:32):
to hear some parents today scratching their heads about the
love language of their offspring. But this is for the
teenager himself or herself to read and work through, isn't it?
S7 (01:43):
Uh, yes, Chris, and I'm really glad about this book,
because I think it's going to stimulate some communication between
teenagers and their parents. You know, parents have often read
the five Love Languages of Teenagers or the other book,
The Five Love Languages of Children. But the children haven't
read them. But now that they're teenagers, I felt like,
(02:04):
you know, if they have a book for themselves where
they're reading this concept and how it applies in their
relationship with their parents, their siblings and other extended family
members and friends, it would create some really good conversation
between parents and those teenagers. So I'm excited about this book.
For anyone who has a teenage son or daughter or
(02:27):
a teenage grandson or granddaughter, get this book for them
and I can almost guarantee you you'll have some good
conversations about the whole concept.
S6 (02:37):
It's called A Teen's Guide to the five Love Languages.
We have it linked at the website Building Relationships How
to Understand Yourself and Improve all your relationships. That's a big, uh,
that's a big target right there. But boy, it might
happen because of this. What a gift. A Teen's Guide
to the five love languages. Go to building relationships. All right.
(03:00):
Now to your calls. First up, let's hear from a
mom who is trying to solve a mystery.
S2 (03:06):
Hi, Gary. I have a 23 year old daughter. I
am trying to figure out what her love language is.
I know it's not touch. She doesn't really like to
be hugged terribly much, and she doesn't really like to
talk much. So that's probably not one. So I just
I'm looking for ways that I can grow with her
(03:29):
and love on her and be there for her without
being too much for her. Um, she does live at
home at the moment. If you could answer that, I
would really appreciate it. Have a blessed day. Thank you.
Bye bye.
S7 (03:44):
I would suggest you give her a gift of the
five love languages for singles, which applies the love language
concept to the parents, to the siblings, to the roommates
college roommates. Well, sure, she's living at home now. Uh,
or they're dating partners or any close relationship. If you
(04:06):
give it to her and say to her, you know,
this book is written specifically for singles, uh, I wonder
if you would read it and tell me what you
think of it. Just the fact that she'll be reading
it is going to help her understand the concept, so
that then you can really talk about the relationship and
(04:26):
her love language. Of course, there is also online five
love languages. There's a free quiz for single adults which
help them discover their primary language, but I think her
reading the singles book first would make it much more
meaningful for her and for you.
S6 (04:45):
It's called the Five Love Languages Singles Edition, or five
Love Languages for singles. The secret that will revolutionize your relationships.
And there it is again. It's it's something that you
understand about yourself. But it's not just about you. It's
about how others interact with you. What you're looking for.
And I love it that this mom says, I just
(05:08):
really want to express love to her, but I and
I don't know if it's getting through and maybe she
is getting through in some way, but she doesn't know.
You know what that way is with her 23 year old.
That's why you came up with this, right?
S7 (05:22):
Yeah. And and that's why I think her, the single
adult reading the book, it's going to open up a conversation,
make it easy to talk about this topic with that
single adult.
S6 (05:34):
Again, if you go to the website five Love languages.com,
you can take that free assessment for singles or others
and see the book that Gary just mentioned. Five Love
languages for singles, as well as a teens guide to
the five Love languages. So you can go to five
love languages or building relationships. We've got you covered right there.
(05:56):
All right, Gary, you've answered this next question. For younger callers.
It concerns relationships and technology.
S3 (06:06):
Hi, Gary. I'd like to know, what do you think
about getting on dating sites if you're interested in dating?
I've been a widow now for ten years. I want
to get back into dating. Looking forward to getting married again.
So I was just wondering what. What did you think
about these dating sites? All right. Thank you.
S7 (06:29):
It's been very interesting over the last several years, how
many people have shared with me that they actually met
each other through one of the online dating sites? You know,
in the early stages, I was a little leery of
that because you can't really reveal your whole self, or
really get to know another person just simply by doing
(06:52):
things online. Uh, but it is amazing that there there
have been many people who are meeting the person that
they eventually marry. Uh, by using those sites. What I
do suggest is, if indeed you find someone on one
of those dating sites and you begin to communicate with
each other online and do feel some attraction and do
(07:14):
feel that you have some similarities, spend time together in
the real world before you make the decision to marry. Uh,
that is whatever you have to do, whether it's traveling
to where they are or or sometimes maybe even moving,
if that's possible. So you'll be close enough that you
can spend some time together with the real person, not
(07:35):
just the person that you're seeing online. Uh, I'm not
opposed to those sites. I think they can be very helpful,
particularly in today's world. But I also would encourage you
to be involved in a local church, and many churches
in a community do have events for single adults. In
(07:55):
this case, of course, you're a widow, so I don't
know how old you would be, but, uh, there are
churches where you can meet people as well on the
local scene.
S6 (08:04):
Yeah, she mentioned that it's been ten years, and I
just sense from what she said that she's done some work,
you know, she's done. She's grieved well, the loss of
her husband. And it sounds like she's she's saying, I
think I'm ready to move back into, you know, some
kind of relationship, long term relationship that will eventually lead
(08:25):
to marriage. I see a lot of hope in in
what she's saying, don't you?
S7 (08:30):
Yeah, absolutely. She's not simply saying, you know, uh, I'm
designed to be a widow the rest of my life.
God may well have someone for her. On the other hand,
that may not be God's plan for her. And I
think she has to keep open to that also. But
there's certainly nothing wrong with reaching out and seeking to
develop friendships with the possibility that one of them may
(08:51):
lead to marriage.
S8 (08:53):
A featured resource.
S6 (08:54):
Today is the book by Doctor Chapman, A Teen's Guide
to the Five Love Languages how to understand yourself and
improve all your relationships. You can find out more about
it at Building Relationships. Again, go to Building Relationships. This
next call is from a husband in a really difficult place. Gary.
(09:15):
Here's his situation.
S4 (09:17):
Hi Gary. My question is in regards to loving my
wife while she is away. We've been together two years.
Married for one. No children together. She has two. 117
and one five year old. He knows me only as
dad and I have a ten year old also. We
(09:40):
have both struggled with addictions in the past. I went
to a Christian center in Minnesota some years ago. When
I came home, I met my wife and she was
also in recovery. Right now she is in a rehab center.
I just dropped her off there the other day, and
(10:01):
she's going to be there for 90 days. And it's
just me and our son and I have a great
support group. I just, uh, I want to I want
to love her the best way I can. And I
miss her already. And, uh, I just want to know how.
What's the best way for me to love her, even
(10:23):
though I can't really see her or talk to her?
How do I do that? Thanks.
S7 (10:28):
Well, first of all, let me say I am encouraged
to know that she is in a recovery center because
as you well know, addiction is not something that necessarily
we get over and we never, ever have a problem again.
And so it's not abnormal that we might fall back
into that addiction. So the fact that she is reaching out,
(10:50):
she is in a recovery center. That's a very, very
positive thing, I think, for you have to recognize, of
course it's temporary. You mentioned 90 days. Well, when you've
only been married a year. 90 days is a long
time because you have to live it one day at
a time. I think one way you can love her
is by doing everything you can to take care of
(11:12):
the child, or children that are still in the home
while she is away. If there's no contact at all
allowed with her, that is no phone calls, no letters
or anything, then you don't have an option. If they
do allow letters or it wouldn't be, I don't think
it would be online. But if they do allow letters,
then you can write her a letter and just tell
(11:34):
her how proud you are of her, that she is
dealing with this, and you want her to know that
you pray for her every day, that you love her
very much, and that you're doing everything you can to
make this a positive time for the children. That, I think,
is probably the best thing you can do at this point. Obviously,
praying that God will use this recovery time to really
(11:59):
help her break the bondage of this addiction. Because we
all need outside help when it comes to breaking addictions.
And so you're just praying that God will intervene and
give her the power to to do what on the
human level is very, very difficult to do. So I
think you've got a good heart. I think you've got
the right spirit. And I think if you simply do
(12:22):
what you can do at this juncture, which is rather
limited right now, but also being strong for her when
she does come home and and seeking to grow immediately
when she comes home. Love her, whatever her love language is.
If you've never read the five love languages, I'd say
read that and try to figure out what her primary
(12:43):
love language is. So when she does come home, you
can communicate love to her in the language that is
most meaningful to her emotionally.
S6 (12:52):
I got another idea to to throw in there. If
he can't write a letter to her or send her
an email or whatever. Uh, what if he keeps a journal,
a journal, a 90 day journal? And this is what's
happening today, and this is what I'm thinking about you.
Even though she can't, she won't see that until she
comes home after 90 days. She'll see the process that
(13:15):
he went through and the notes that he took and
the things that he was thinking throughout that time. What
do you think?
S7 (13:22):
I think that's a fabulous idea, Chris. Absolutely.
S9 (13:26):
I get a gold star. I get a gold star,
don't I?
S7 (13:31):
Yeah, it's good for him because he's he's writing out
his thoughts and feelings and what's going on, and it
will be very encouraging to her when she does get
out and takes time to read through that. Yeah. Great idea.
S6 (13:43):
Well, okay, just one more thing that I thought as
I heard his voice and he said he's got a
great support group and I think that is key. You know,
if you're taking care of and you're working and you're
taking care of child yourself, taking care of himself might
be the most important thing that he does for her
(14:04):
while she's away, because he could also slip back into
some addiction, numb himself from the pain of not having
her around in some way, shape or form. So taking
care of himself is a gift to her as well.
S7 (14:18):
Yeah, absolutely, Chris, because, you know, when the prodigal son left,
the father didn't run after him. The father kept the
farm going. So when God did bring that son to
a place that kind of the end of the road,
he had a home to come back to. So I think, yes,
taking care of himself so that when she does come home,
you are in a healthy place would certainly be important.
S6 (14:43):
Thank you for calling with that question, because my guess
is there's somebody listening right now who's in the same
situation or your voice talking about this decision that your
wife made to go into treatment might encourage somebody else
to say, you know what? I that's what I need
in my life. So your calls, your questions really help
(15:04):
us to kind of dig under the surface of what's
going on in your life. And if you want to
ask a question or respond to something today, you can
call 1866424. Gary, leave your message for a future broadcast. 1-866-424-4279. Gary,
(15:25):
we had a call a few weeks ago from a
listener who was a widower, and he was looking for
some good Resources for what he was going through. That's
where our next caller comes in.
S10 (15:36):
Hi, Gary. I'm calling in response to the widower who
called and asked for a book about grief. I lost
my husband 15 years ago. I also attended Griefshare, which,
as you said, is a very excellent program. I would, however,
like to suggest the book Getting to the Other Side
(15:58):
of Grief. I found that a very helpful book because
it's written by people who also lost their spouses, and
then they married each other. I have given about 30
copies to friends all over this country who have lost
their loved ones, and everyone who has spoken to me
about it afterwards said it was a big help. So
(16:21):
the book is getting to the other side of grief.
I hope that helps. Good day.
S7 (16:28):
Well, Chris, I'm glad she called because, listen, I know
we have many listeners who are going through grief, you know,
who've lost a spouse or lost another family member. And
the book she's recommending is a good book. And so
I'm glad she called and is sharing that with our audience.
Getting to the other side of grief. And she also
(16:50):
mentioned what I had suggested, also going to a grief
share program. Many churches, particularly larger churches, have grief share.
And so it's actually where you go to a meeting
with others who are going through this. And it's a
program for several weeks that really, really has helped thousands
of people work through grief in a very meaningful way.
S9 (17:12):
I like.
S6 (17:12):
That title. I haven't read the book, but a lot
of people will say, when am I going to get
over this? You know, when are or when are you
going to get over, you know, keep start living again.
It's not about getting over, getting to the other side
of it. It puts a different spin In. Because if
you've loved somebody really well and you've lost that person,
there is no real getting over it. You're always going
(17:35):
to have that pain that that heart tug every time
you think of that person, right?
S7 (17:42):
Yeah. And I think, Chris, there's nothing wrong with thinking
about a person that you've lost and reflecting upon the
positive things in the experience that you had in life.
And I've found that sometimes, even after widows or widowers
do remarry, later in the in the journey, not everyone does.
But when they do, I've encouraged them to have openness
(18:02):
to talk about their former spouse, you know, with each other.
I think that's very, very healthy because you're being honest.
Both of you know, you've had a loss in your
life and you've had a history with that person. And
so we don't just act like, you know, they didn't exist.
Far healthier to share with each other, you know, positive
memories or sometimes, you know, struggles that you may have
(18:23):
had in that relationship because you're sharing life together with
each other, but you both have a history with someone else.
So let's let's be open and honest about our history.
I think that can be extremely helpful for couples who
do remarry.
S8 (18:38):
This is building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman.
S6 (18:40):
You can find out more about some of the resources
we talk about here today at the website Building Relationships.
I need to put a disclaimer before this next call. Gary,
it could make you a tad bit hungry. All right.
You have been warned. Here we go.
S11 (18:58):
Hi, doctor Gary. My wife and I love the love languages.
We're very fortunate that we share the two same primary
love languages, those being physical touch and also words of affirmation.
We were excited to see the cross promotion you had
with Van Loon's ice cream. I brought home a couple
of pints and had a funny moment when I gave
my wife her pint of let's hang out some more
(19:20):
quality time, and she said, but quality time isn't one
of my primary love language is and I said no,
but s'mores is one of your favorite flavors. We both
got a chuckle and it made for a great Valentine's.
S7 (19:31):
Well, you know, I'm finding a lot of folks who
are discovering the five love languages with different ice creams.
And I think it's a fun thing if you like
ice cream, to recognize that, uh, that to have an
ice cream flavor that goes with a particular love language.
It can be a fun thing, whether it's Valentine's Day
(19:53):
or whether it could be any day. If you're an
ice cream person. Okay.
S6 (19:57):
I love it, I love it, but you are making
me hungry. So that reminds me, you know, we we
we throw around this five love languages thing. It's in
the culture. Everybody knows it quote unquote. But there may
be somebody who's listening. I've never heard the five love languages.
Would you walk me through those? What are the five
love languages?
S7 (20:14):
All right. One of them is words of affirmation. You
look nice in that outfit. I really appreciate what you did.
Just looking for words that you can affirm them for
something about them. Words of affirmation. And then there's acts
of service. Doing something for the person in a marriage.
Such things as cooking meals, washing dishes, vacuuming floors, putting
(20:38):
gas in their car. Just anything that you know they
would like for you to do. Remember the old saying,
actions speak louder than words. If this is their love language.
Actions will speak louder than words. Then there's gifts. It's
universal to give gifts as an expression of love. The
gift says they were thinking about me. Look what they
(21:01):
got for me. And the gift doesn't have to be expensive,
but it's something that relates to them as a person
that you. Maybe you've heard them express the desire. I'd
like to have one of those someday, but it's giving gifts.
And then number four is quality time, giving the other
person your undivided attention. I do not mean sitting on
(21:22):
the couch watching television. Someone else has your attention. TV
is off. Computer is down. We're not answering our phone.
We're giving each other our full attention, sharing whatever we
want to share with each other. We can be sitting
around the house. We can be taking a walk down
the road, but it's giving them our full attention. And
(21:42):
the number five is physical touch. Affirming physical touches. In
a marriage, it would be such things as kissing, holding hands,
embracing the whole sexual part of the marriage, arm around
the shoulder, putting your hand on their leg as you're
driving down the road, just just affirming touches. And of course, Chris,
the basic idea of the book is that out of
(22:05):
those five languages, each of us has what I call
a primary love language. One speaks more deeply to us
emotionally than the other four. And if you don't speak
your spouse's primary love language, They will not feel loved
even though you're speaking some of the other languages. It's
a simple concept, but it absolutely can transform a marriage.
(22:28):
When each of you starts speaking the other person's primary
love language.
S6 (22:34):
And for teenagers, this goes for you too. It goes
for all ages. But there may be somebody. So now
you know what the five love languages are. But there
might be somebody who's asking. Wait a minute. You just
talked about ice cream. There's a there was a company
that came out. This was back closer to Valentine's Day
that came out with five different flavors, with each of
(22:56):
those as a theme. And I think the in the
little pint containers, they were kind of pink or darker pink,
lighter pink, that kind of thing. Right.
S7 (23:08):
Yeah. That's right. And it was just a promotional thing
for them. They just picked up on the five love
language concept and got permission to to use that. So.
So it's been a fun thing.
S6 (23:21):
Yeah. There's one. You're my brown sugar cookie butter. It's
meant to taste like words of affirmation. Uh. Hug me.
Hazelnut truffle is. That must be the physical touch, right?
S7 (23:34):
Yes. That's physical touch.
S6 (23:36):
So your idea that you came up with back in
the 1990s is if you figure out what this person
that you love, how they hear love or how they
feel loved and speak that you're going to get through, right?
S7 (23:52):
Yeah. That's right. Chris, you know, almost everyone agrees that
one of our deepest emotional needs on the human level
is the need to feel loved by the significant people
in our lives. And if it's a husband and wife,
I mean, that's the most important relationship. If you feel
loved by your spouse, life is beautiful. But if you
don't feel loved, life can begin to look pretty dark.
(24:16):
So it's a it's a simple concept on how to
effectively meet each other's emotional need for love.
S1 (24:27):
You're listening to the Building Relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast.
He's the New York Times best selling author of The
Five Love Languages. For more simple ways to strengthen your relationships,
go to five Love Languages. Com our featured resource today
is Doctor Chapman's book, A Teen's Guide to the Five
Love Languages. Again, go to Five Love languages.com to find
(24:50):
out more.
S6 (24:52):
This is our dear Gary broadcast for the month of
March and we would love to hear from you. If
you have a question, or maybe you want to follow
up something that you've heard today on the program, call
us 1866424. Gary, leave your message and we might use
your question or comment right here on the program. 4244279.
(25:17):
All right. Here's a real life situation in a home
that I don't think you can solve in five minutes, Gary,
to be honest with you. But I want to hear
what you will say about this marriage issue.
S12 (25:28):
Hi, Gary. My husband and I have been married for
nine years. This is our fourth marriage for both of us.
I have three children, a son and two daughters. He
has a son. They're all grown. My youngest daughter is
chronically ill and most likely only has about two years
left to live. She's 32. She also has two daughters.
(25:53):
They're living in the house with us now. This has
caused major strain on our marriage because my husband cannot
stand my daughter. And the reason for that. And this
is his words, is because he views her health problems
as a result of choices that she made. And he's
(26:14):
partially right. She's diabetic and she chose to have children,
which in turn damaged her kidneys. And she's in stage
four kidney failure for the second time. She's also got
heart problems, but this has caused a major strain on
her marriage, because I have to be there and take
care of my daughter and her daughters. And I was
(26:38):
in the hospital with her last year for three months.
He would not call me to ask how I was,
if I needed anything, how she was. The only time
she called was to complain that he had the sniffles
and that one of our cats had died. And what
a bad day he was having at work while I
(26:58):
was dealing with possibly losing my daughter at the time.
And I just wanted to know what your advice is
on this. We are going to counseling and he even
told the counselor that he felt like he he was
being replaced. How can I make this better? Thank you
(27:20):
for your advice.
S7 (27:22):
Well, you have to be empathetic with this mother and
wife who is rather caught in the middle between trying
to care for her daughter and her grandchildren, and also
her husband at the same time. It's a very, very
difficult situation. There's no question about that. So I can
understand her frustration. I think also anyone can understand her
(27:46):
husband's frustration that if she's gone for three months caring
for her, her daughter and the grandchildren and has no
contact with him, you can sense how he would feel
that he's a second fiddle in her mind. At the
same time, you also say, well, wait a minute. I mean,
that's her daughter. You don't want her to walk away
(28:06):
from her daughter. So it's a very, very hard situation.
One of the things I would say if I were
talking to him is this I can understand how you
would feel that your wife has not put you as
number one in the relationship. But I want you to
try to see it through a mother's eyes. It's called empathy.
(28:26):
See it through the mother's eyes. Here's my daughter. Yes,
she made wrong choices. Yes. Some of the things that
she's suffering physically are because of some wrong choices that
she made. But she's still my daughter, and I'm the
one that can care for her. Who else is going
to care for her and those grandchildren? I mean, you know,
(28:47):
I love them and they deserve someone that loves them.
So I think we tend to see things only through
our own eyes, not through the eyes of the other person.
But if you put yourself in their eyes and look
at the world through their eyes, you can come to
understand Why they do what they do. And it doesn't
(29:09):
mean you like it. It doesn't mean it's ideal. But
you see why they want to do that. Why she
wants to do that and that she's not rejecting you.
It's just that at this juncture in her life and
the life of her daughter, she feels like this is
something she must do as a loving mother. So I
think we have to be empathetic with the other person.
(29:30):
I think on her side, she also needs to be
empathetic with him. Honey, I can see how you would
feel that way. That makes sense to me. But at
this juncture, I don't have an option. Think about military couples.
They're sometimes separated not for three months, but for a
whole year. Sometimes. And yet they can have good marriages.
(29:52):
If we keep in touch with each other. So it's
a matter of saying, okay, this is the situation we're
in right now, but let's let's keep in touch with
each other rather than isolating each other. Let's reach out today.
Technology allows you to do that and see each other
face to face and talk on the phone, face to face.
(30:12):
So utilize the ability to communicate with each other to
be empathetic with each other. Let each other know I
love you, I'm praying for you and, uh, share life
with each other while you're walking through this, rather than
just withdrawing and feeling sorry for yourself. It's a matter
of choosing an attitude of love. Jesus said about himself,
(30:37):
The Son of Man did not come to be served,
but to serve and give his life a ransom for others.
He is our model, and if we choose not to
be self-centered, but to choose love and ask, how can
I minister to my spouse during this time in our
in our relationship, then you're going to reach out and
(31:00):
find ways to love her. And she reaches back to
find ways to love you. And if you understand each
other's love language, it'll make it even easier. But you see,
sometimes it boils down to am I going to have
a selfish attitude? Or am I going to have a
loving attitude? Love reaches out to serve the other person
and try to help them in the situation that they're
(31:23):
now in. To me, that's the approach. If there's going
to be a healthy relationship developed in this situation.
S6 (31:32):
And I was thinking about it from a five love
languages perspective. What if and I'm not saying this is
what's going on, but what if her love language is
acts of service? You know, she does a lot for
her daughter. And what of his is quality time? Then
you've got that. You know, they're kind of butting heads with,
he's not feeling loved and she's not feeling loved, you know,
(31:53):
from him being empathetic. I think the most hopeful thing
that I've heard in all of that, what she described
is they're going to counseling. They are? Yeah, they're having
a problem, but they're going to counseling. That's a good sign.
S7 (32:07):
I think that is a good sign, Chris. Always a
good sign. When two people are willing to go for counseling,
there's always hope because they have an outside voice who's
both hearing each of them understanding their perspectives and helping
them understand each other and how they might work this
out in a positive way, even though it's a difficult time. Yeah,
(32:30):
that's very positive that they're reaching out for counseling.
S6 (32:33):
You know, the other thing that went through my mind
is from his perspective, I wish he would call and
we could talk with him. But the if his if
her daughter only has, you know, a year or two
to live, then there's going to be a long time
after that that she, the mom, is going to be
dealing with that loss. And what kind of regret can
(32:58):
he not have two years, three years, five years, ten
years down the road? What can he do right now
so that he doesn't have to look back in regret
at the way that he handled this situation? You know,
I'm not telling him. I'm not giving him advice other
than if you look down the trail a little bit,
(33:20):
it might help you right now with the struggles that
you're having with your daughter.
S7 (33:26):
Yeah. I think acknowledging that, you know, it's a hard
time right now. This is not very pleasant, but it's
not going to be forever. So let's let's make the
most of where we are and find out how we
can love each other in the midst of the present situation.
And then when it gets better, it gets better. But
let's let's face it. Everybody faces hard times along the
(33:51):
journey of life. And so if we don't learn how
to love each other in the midst of struggle and hardship.
Then we go through divorce, and this lady mentioned that
each of them has already been this is their fourth marriage, right? Well,
maybe this is the time for them to learn how
to love each other in difficult situations. Because love is
(34:14):
a choice. It doesn't begin with a feeling. It begins
with a choice. I want to enrich your life. That's
the attitude of love. And you each have that attitude
toward each other. So the question is, how can I
best do that at this juncture in our relationship, facing
the realities that we now have?
S6 (34:35):
And again, if you want to ask a question of
Doctor Chapman or you heard our last caller and you say,
here's our situation that's similar to this, you want to
give a little bit of advice of your own from
your own experience. 866424. Gary is our number. Call. Leave
your message. You might hear your comment or question on
(34:56):
a future broadcast. 1-866-424-4279. I love it when listeners hear
something and they want to add to the conversation. On
a previous program, you took a call about a man
whose wife had a concussion. Gary. Here's our next caller.
S13 (35:14):
Hey, Gary. Um, I'm calling because I just heard the caller, uh,
regarding the question about his wife and having suffered a
concussion and also now some, um, unfortunate possible effect in
their relationship, especially on the side of sexually. Um, I'm
in the health care business. Uh, I'm not a doctor.
(35:37):
But that said, I think another consideration for the caller to, um,
discuss with his wife and the provider is menopause. One
of the major issues is also sexual desire. You know,
is affected. She should consider. And even between the age
(35:57):
of 40 and above, you know, this could start happening.
So that's something to consider. Unfortunately, many people don't discuss this.
For some reason. They're ashamed of this. But this is
a real issue. Um, and it's something that many couples
can walk through and work through, especially if they're believers.
So I wish everyone luck. And I thank you for, uh,
(36:20):
the station.
S7 (36:22):
Well, I appreciate the caller sharing that. Uh, you know,
I think when we hear things, whether I'm speaking or
anybody else is speaking and you have ideas, uh, that, uh,
that were not surfaced, uh, it's wonderful that you share
those things with us and with our listeners. Yeah. I
have always encouraged couples to have open conversation about the
(36:42):
sexual part of marriage. We don't make progress in any
area of marriage without communication. And so talking about this
part of the relationship is important, and working through a
Christian book that deals with this topic is also important.
And I say Christian book because a lot of times
non-Christian books in this particular area can suggest things that
(37:04):
I think are not not biblical, but working through a
book like this, like reading a chapter and then saying, well,
you know, what can we learn from this? And I
deal with this in several of my books, for example,
The Marriage You've Always Wanted. I have a chapter on
this open communication for couples in this part of the marriage.
So I think it's really important and I appreciate this
(37:26):
caller sharing that with us.
S6 (37:28):
Here's something that just struck me. Gary, husband and wife
driving down the road and you're listening. Here's a great question.
Turn to your spouse and ask this. If you could
hear any topic discussed on building relationships, anything that you
would like to hear Doctor Chapman talk about or have
a guest on, what would it be? You ask that
question and then listen well and then ask why? Why
(37:53):
would you like to hear that? Because the topics that, uh,
that your spouse wants to see addressed, there's a reason
why that's there. And it's the same with our next caller,
because I know that you're open to just about any
topic that we could discuss here on the program. There's
a caller who called 866424 Gary and left a suggestion.
(38:15):
Here it is.
S14 (38:17):
Hi, Gary. I would like if you could cover the
topic of singles who are actually already parents, because some
of us became Christians after having children, and some of
us have never married and we have children. And I'd
love if you could cover that topic and how we
(38:39):
can connect with other singles. Not for the dating aspect,
but where do we belong? I guess because we're not
the married. We're not the young people that are in
the campus ministries. We're this this particular niche, and there's
a lot of us, but we're not all in the
same churches. So if you could cover that at some point,
(39:04):
I think that would be awesome. And I look forward
to hearing what you have to say about what single
parents need to do, since we are technically single. Thank
you so much for everything you're doing and all the
wisdom you share.
S7 (39:19):
Well, this mother is describing the situation of thousands of
single moms in this country. Many reasons for that. As
she said, sometimes they had children before they got married
and now they're single. They never married the father of
the child. Sometimes it's been a divorce, but there are
(39:39):
literally thousands of single moms in this country. And it's
not an easy journey because, you know, in reality, the
ideal is that every child will have a mother and
a father with whom they can relate, because they need
to have a model of what a Christian husband looks
like and what a Christian mother looks like. Well, a
(40:01):
single mom cannot take the place of a Christian father
to that child, but she can be a Christian mother
to that child. And again, loving that child as a mother,
understanding the five love languages and that if you have
two children, they probably have different primary love languages. And
so you got to learn to speak each other's primary language,
(40:24):
plus speak the other four, because we want the child
to learn how to receive love and later give love
in all five languages. The other thing I would say
is if there is a Christian father or male in
the extended family, it could be an uncle. It could
be a grandfather who would be willing to spend time
(40:47):
with that child. That would be ideal that the child
would have at least a father figure in their lives,
even if it's not a father, a literal father. So
I think whatever you can do to expose that child
to to men, it would be helpful as well. It
complements what you're doing. That can often be done in
(41:10):
the context of a church. And having the child in
a church and in a children's program geared to their age.
Because many times the teachers of those classes are males
and females. So that's a great place for your child
to find exposure to a male figure as well, who
is a Christian. So I think that that could be very,
(41:32):
very helpful. As she said, she's not interested in going online,
just trying to find a husband. I mean, she wants
if God wants her to have a husband, then she's
going to keep open to that reality. Uh, but she
wants to be a faithful mother where she is. And
I think that's the desire of all Christian mothers who
are single moms. So there are churches, of course, that
(41:55):
have programs for single mothers. And I think if you
find one in your community, that would certainly be worth
attending that. And sometimes they have classes along that line
as well. And then there are books I think that
could help, help you. I have not written a book
for single mothers. I've written a book for singles, but
not dealing with the parental aspect. But I do encourage
(42:18):
single moms to reach out and seek to find someone,
and not necessarily one. It can be more than one,
but someone who can be a father figure for those children.
I think it will be an asset to the children
if you can do that.
S6 (42:35):
Yeah, the heart cry that I hear from her, and
I think it's a lot of people, maybe not in
her specific situation, but it's as far as the church goes.
Where do I belong? Where do I fit in here?
I don't feel like, you know, I'm. I'm kind of untethered. Uh,
I'm lost in space. I remember watching that as a kid.
(42:56):
I'm dating myself now, but lost in space. And. And
it goes on this spacewalk outside, and the hands are
going up. It's like, where where am I? What? What
do I matter? Does anybody see me here? And I
just want to to say to that person, God sees you.
He knows what you're going through. And then to those
who are leaders in the church, how how can you
(43:19):
come alongside her and offer help? Or for the single dad?
I hear from a lot of single dads too, Gary.
S7 (43:27):
Yeah, yeah, I think you're exactly right, Chris. I think
if a church would announce that they're going to have
a meeting, just a meeting or a dinner for single mothers,
and there'll be child care for those children. They might
be shocked at the number of people that would come
to that. And then if they decide to do that
(43:47):
once a month, those single mothers would reach out with
other single mothers and that meeting would grow. I can
almost guarantee you would grow because you're right. They often
feel like I don't fit. I don't fit anywhere. I
don't fit in the singles ministry because they're all singles
without children. I don't fit with the married group because
I'm not married. So yeah, it is a challenge for
(44:10):
the individual and it's also a challenge for the church.
And I would just encourage you, if there are church
leaders who are listening to us today, that you explore
the possibility of starting some kind of ministry to single mothers.
S6 (44:24):
Well, as you've listened here today, you've heard some really
deep calls, some great calls, life situations. And if you
want to lend your voice to the effort, call us
at 866424. 24. Gary, leave a question. Leave a comment.
We just love to hear your voice. You can talk
about ice cream too if you'd like. 1866424. Gary, we'd
(44:46):
love to hear from you. And don't forget to check
out our featured resource, the book by Doctor Chapman A
Teen's Guide to the Five Love Languages how to understand
yourself and improve all your relationships. You can find out
more at the website.
S7 (44:59):
Building relationships and next week how to build spiritual habits
in the home.
S1 (45:07):
Discover some small steps you can take in one week.
Before we go, let me thank our production team, Steve
Wick and Janice. Backing building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman
is a production of Moody Radio in Chicago in association
with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks
for listening.
Today we open the listener line for your questions on
building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman.
S2 (00:07):
I am trying to figure out what her love language is.
S3 (00:10):
What do you think about getting on dating sites?
S4 (00:13):
What's the best way for me to love her, even
though I can't really see or talk to her.
S5 (00:17):
Singles who are actually already parents? Where do we belong,
I guess.
S1 (00:25):
Welcome to building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of
the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages. It's
one of the most anticipated conversations of the month when
we open the listener line and hear from you as
you pose questions for Doctor Chapman. And we have some
great questions today on our March edition of Dear Gary.
S6 (00:44):
And it's our hope that something you hear today will
help you in your marriage, maybe your parenting, maybe in
your singleness. If you go to building relationships, you'll find
more simple ways to strengthen your relationships. You can call
and leave a question as well for an upcoming program.
If you hear something today and you say, hey, I
want to ask Doctor Chapman about that. 866424. Gary is
(01:08):
our number. Leave your message. We'll try to get to
it on a future broadcast. 1866424. Gary, we'd love to
hear from you today. Our featured resource is a book
by Doctor Chapman, A Teen's Guide to the Five Love Languages,
how to understand yourself and improve all your relationships. We
have it linked at Building Relationships. And Gary, you're going
(01:32):
to hear some parents today scratching their heads about the
love language of their offspring. But this is for the
teenager himself or herself to read and work through, isn't it?
S7 (01:43):
Uh, yes, Chris, and I'm really glad about this book,
because I think it's going to stimulate some communication between
teenagers and their parents. You know, parents have often read
the five Love Languages of Teenagers or the other book,
The Five Love Languages of Children. But the children haven't
read them. But now that they're teenagers, I felt like,
(02:04):
you know, if they have a book for themselves where
they're reading this concept and how it applies in their
relationship with their parents, their siblings and other extended family
members and friends, it would create some really good conversation
between parents and those teenagers. So I'm excited about this book.
For anyone who has a teenage son or daughter or
(02:27):
a teenage grandson or granddaughter, get this book for them
and I can almost guarantee you you'll have some good
conversations about the whole concept.
S6 (02:37):
It's called A Teen's Guide to the five Love Languages.
We have it linked at the website Building Relationships How
to Understand Yourself and Improve all your relationships. That's a big, uh,
that's a big target right there. But boy, it might
happen because of this. What a gift. A Teen's Guide
to the five love languages. Go to building relationships. All right.
(03:00):
Now to your calls. First up, let's hear from a
mom who is trying to solve a mystery.
S2 (03:06):
Hi, Gary. I have a 23 year old daughter. I
am trying to figure out what her love language is.
I know it's not touch. She doesn't really like to
be hugged terribly much, and she doesn't really like to
talk much. So that's probably not one. So I just
I'm looking for ways that I can grow with her
(03:29):
and love on her and be there for her without
being too much for her. Um, she does live at
home at the moment. If you could answer that, I
would really appreciate it. Have a blessed day. Thank you.
Bye bye.
S7 (03:44):
I would suggest you give her a gift of the
five love languages for singles, which applies the love language
concept to the parents, to the siblings, to the roommates
college roommates. Well, sure, she's living at home now. Uh,
or they're dating partners or any close relationship. If you
(04:06):
give it to her and say to her, you know,
this book is written specifically for singles, uh, I wonder
if you would read it and tell me what you
think of it. Just the fact that she'll be reading
it is going to help her understand the concept, so
that then you can really talk about the relationship and
(04:26):
her love language. Of course, there is also online five
love languages. There's a free quiz for single adults which
help them discover their primary language, but I think her
reading the singles book first would make it much more
meaningful for her and for you.
S6 (04:45):
It's called the Five Love Languages Singles Edition, or five
Love Languages for singles. The secret that will revolutionize your relationships.
And there it is again. It's it's something that you
understand about yourself. But it's not just about you. It's
about how others interact with you. What you're looking for.
And I love it that this mom says, I just
(05:08):
really want to express love to her, but I and
I don't know if it's getting through and maybe she
is getting through in some way, but she doesn't know.
You know what that way is with her 23 year old.
That's why you came up with this, right?
S7 (05:22):
Yeah. And and that's why I think her, the single
adult reading the book, it's going to open up a conversation,
make it easy to talk about this topic with that
single adult.
S6 (05:34):
Again, if you go to the website five Love languages.com,
you can take that free assessment for singles or others
and see the book that Gary just mentioned. Five Love
languages for singles, as well as a teens guide to
the five Love languages. So you can go to five
love languages or building relationships. We've got you covered right there.
(05:56):
All right, Gary, you've answered this next question. For younger callers.
It concerns relationships and technology.
S3 (06:06):
Hi, Gary. I'd like to know, what do you think
about getting on dating sites if you're interested in dating?
I've been a widow now for ten years. I want
to get back into dating. Looking forward to getting married again.
So I was just wondering what. What did you think
about these dating sites? All right. Thank you.
S7 (06:29):
It's been very interesting over the last several years, how
many people have shared with me that they actually met
each other through one of the online dating sites? You know,
in the early stages, I was a little leery of
that because you can't really reveal your whole self, or
really get to know another person just simply by doing
(06:52):
things online. Uh, but it is amazing that there there
have been many people who are meeting the person that
they eventually marry. Uh, by using those sites. What I
do suggest is, if indeed you find someone on one
of those dating sites and you begin to communicate with
each other online and do feel some attraction and do
(07:14):
feel that you have some similarities, spend time together in
the real world before you make the decision to marry. Uh,
that is whatever you have to do, whether it's traveling
to where they are or or sometimes maybe even moving,
if that's possible. So you'll be close enough that you
can spend some time together with the real person, not
(07:35):
just the person that you're seeing online. Uh, I'm not
opposed to those sites. I think they can be very helpful,
particularly in today's world. But I also would encourage you
to be involved in a local church, and many churches
in a community do have events for single adults. In
(07:55):
this case, of course, you're a widow, so I don't
know how old you would be, but, uh, there are
churches where you can meet people as well on the
local scene.
S6 (08:04):
Yeah, she mentioned that it's been ten years, and I
just sense from what she said that she's done some work,
you know, she's done. She's grieved well, the loss of
her husband. And it sounds like she's she's saying, I
think I'm ready to move back into, you know, some
kind of relationship, long term relationship that will eventually lead
(08:25):
to marriage. I see a lot of hope in in
what she's saying, don't you?
S7 (08:30):
Yeah, absolutely. She's not simply saying, you know, uh, I'm
designed to be a widow the rest of my life.
God may well have someone for her. On the other hand,
that may not be God's plan for her. And I
think she has to keep open to that also. But
there's certainly nothing wrong with reaching out and seeking to
develop friendships with the possibility that one of them may
(08:51):
lead to marriage.
S8 (08:53):
A featured resource.
S6 (08:54):
Today is the book by Doctor Chapman, A Teen's Guide
to the Five Love Languages how to understand yourself and
improve all your relationships. You can find out more about
it at Building Relationships. Again, go to Building Relationships. This
next call is from a husband in a really difficult place. Gary.
(09:15):
Here's his situation.
S4 (09:17):
Hi Gary. My question is in regards to loving my
wife while she is away. We've been together two years.
Married for one. No children together. She has two. 117
and one five year old. He knows me only as
dad and I have a ten year old also. We
(09:40):
have both struggled with addictions in the past. I went
to a Christian center in Minnesota some years ago. When
I came home, I met my wife and she was
also in recovery. Right now she is in a rehab center.
I just dropped her off there the other day, and
(10:01):
she's going to be there for 90 days. And it's
just me and our son and I have a great
support group. I just, uh, I want to I want
to love her the best way I can. And I
miss her already. And, uh, I just want to know how.
What's the best way for me to love her, even
(10:23):
though I can't really see her or talk to her?
How do I do that? Thanks.
S7 (10:28):
Well, first of all, let me say I am encouraged
to know that she is in a recovery center because
as you well know, addiction is not something that necessarily
we get over and we never, ever have a problem again.
And so it's not abnormal that we might fall back
into that addiction. So the fact that she is reaching out,
(10:50):
she is in a recovery center. That's a very, very
positive thing, I think, for you have to recognize, of
course it's temporary. You mentioned 90 days. Well, when you've
only been married a year. 90 days is a long
time because you have to live it one day at
a time. I think one way you can love her
is by doing everything you can to take care of
(11:12):
the child, or children that are still in the home
while she is away. If there's no contact at all
allowed with her, that is no phone calls, no letters
or anything, then you don't have an option. If they
do allow letters or it wouldn't be, I don't think
it would be online. But if they do allow letters,
then you can write her a letter and just tell
(11:34):
her how proud you are of her, that she is
dealing with this, and you want her to know that
you pray for her every day, that you love her
very much, and that you're doing everything you can to
make this a positive time for the children. That, I think,
is probably the best thing you can do at this point. Obviously,
praying that God will use this recovery time to really
(11:59):
help her break the bondage of this addiction. Because we
all need outside help when it comes to breaking addictions.
And so you're just praying that God will intervene and
give her the power to to do what on the
human level is very, very difficult to do. So I
think you've got a good heart. I think you've got
the right spirit. And I think if you simply do
(12:22):
what you can do at this juncture, which is rather
limited right now, but also being strong for her when
she does come home and and seeking to grow immediately
when she comes home. Love her, whatever her love language is.
If you've never read the five love languages, I'd say
read that and try to figure out what her primary
(12:43):
love language is. So when she does come home, you
can communicate love to her in the language that is
most meaningful to her emotionally.
S6 (12:52):
I got another idea to to throw in there. If
he can't write a letter to her or send her
an email or whatever. Uh, what if he keeps a journal,
a journal, a 90 day journal? And this is what's
happening today, and this is what I'm thinking about you.
Even though she can't, she won't see that until she
comes home after 90 days. She'll see the process that
(13:15):
he went through and the notes that he took and
the things that he was thinking throughout that time. What
do you think?
S7 (13:22):
I think that's a fabulous idea, Chris. Absolutely.
S9 (13:26):
I get a gold star. I get a gold star,
don't I?
S7 (13:31):
Yeah, it's good for him because he's he's writing out
his thoughts and feelings and what's going on, and it
will be very encouraging to her when she does get
out and takes time to read through that. Yeah. Great idea.
S6 (13:43):
Well, okay, just one more thing that I thought as
I heard his voice and he said he's got a
great support group and I think that is key. You know,
if you're taking care of and you're working and you're
taking care of child yourself, taking care of himself might
be the most important thing that he does for her
(14:04):
while she's away, because he could also slip back into
some addiction, numb himself from the pain of not having
her around in some way, shape or form. So taking
care of himself is a gift to her as well.
S7 (14:18):
Yeah, absolutely, Chris, because, you know, when the prodigal son left,
the father didn't run after him. The father kept the
farm going. So when God did bring that son to
a place that kind of the end of the road,
he had a home to come back to. So I think, yes,
taking care of himself so that when she does come home,
you are in a healthy place would certainly be important.
S6 (14:43):
Thank you for calling with that question, because my guess
is there's somebody listening right now who's in the same
situation or your voice talking about this decision that your
wife made to go into treatment might encourage somebody else
to say, you know what? I that's what I need
in my life. So your calls, your questions really help
(15:04):
us to kind of dig under the surface of what's
going on in your life. And if you want to
ask a question or respond to something today, you can
call 1866424. Gary, leave your message for a future broadcast. 1-866-424-4279. Gary,
(15:25):
we had a call a few weeks ago from a
listener who was a widower, and he was looking for
some good Resources for what he was going through. That's
where our next caller comes in.
S10 (15:36):
Hi, Gary. I'm calling in response to the widower who
called and asked for a book about grief. I lost
my husband 15 years ago. I also attended Griefshare, which,
as you said, is a very excellent program. I would, however,
like to suggest the book Getting to the Other Side
(15:58):
of Grief. I found that a very helpful book because
it's written by people who also lost their spouses, and
then they married each other. I have given about 30
copies to friends all over this country who have lost
their loved ones, and everyone who has spoken to me
about it afterwards said it was a big help. So
(16:21):
the book is getting to the other side of grief.
I hope that helps. Good day.
S7 (16:28):
Well, Chris, I'm glad she called because, listen, I know
we have many listeners who are going through grief, you know,
who've lost a spouse or lost another family member. And
the book she's recommending is a good book. And so
I'm glad she called and is sharing that with our audience.
Getting to the other side of grief. And she also
(16:50):
mentioned what I had suggested, also going to a grief
share program. Many churches, particularly larger churches, have grief share.
And so it's actually where you go to a meeting
with others who are going through this. And it's a
program for several weeks that really, really has helped thousands
of people work through grief in a very meaningful way.
S9 (17:12):
I like.
S6 (17:12):
That title. I haven't read the book, but a lot
of people will say, when am I going to get
over this? You know, when are or when are you
going to get over, you know, keep start living again.
It's not about getting over, getting to the other side
of it. It puts a different spin In. Because if
you've loved somebody really well and you've lost that person,
there is no real getting over it. You're always going
(17:35):
to have that pain that that heart tug every time
you think of that person, right?
S7 (17:42):
Yeah. And I think, Chris, there's nothing wrong with thinking
about a person that you've lost and reflecting upon the
positive things in the experience that you had in life.
And I've found that sometimes, even after widows or widowers
do remarry, later in the in the journey, not everyone does.
But when they do, I've encouraged them to have openness
(18:02):
to talk about their former spouse, you know, with each other.
I think that's very, very healthy because you're being honest.
Both of you know, you've had a loss in your
life and you've had a history with that person. And
so we don't just act like, you know, they didn't exist.
Far healthier to share with each other, you know, positive
memories or sometimes, you know, struggles that you may have
(18:23):
had in that relationship because you're sharing life together with
each other, but you both have a history with someone else.
So let's let's be open and honest about our history.
I think that can be extremely helpful for couples who
do remarry.
S8 (18:38):
This is building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman.
S6 (18:40):
You can find out more about some of the resources
we talk about here today at the website Building Relationships.
I need to put a disclaimer before this next call. Gary,
it could make you a tad bit hungry. All right.
You have been warned. Here we go.
S11 (18:58):
Hi, doctor Gary. My wife and I love the love languages.
We're very fortunate that we share the two same primary
love languages, those being physical touch and also words of affirmation.
We were excited to see the cross promotion you had
with Van Loon's ice cream. I brought home a couple
of pints and had a funny moment when I gave
my wife her pint of let's hang out some more
(19:20):
quality time, and she said, but quality time isn't one
of my primary love language is and I said no,
but s'mores is one of your favorite flavors. We both
got a chuckle and it made for a great Valentine's.
S7 (19:31):
Well, you know, I'm finding a lot of folks who
are discovering the five love languages with different ice creams.
And I think it's a fun thing if you like
ice cream, to recognize that, uh, that to have an
ice cream flavor that goes with a particular love language.
It can be a fun thing, whether it's Valentine's Day
(19:53):
or whether it could be any day. If you're an
ice cream person. Okay.
S6 (19:57):
I love it, I love it, but you are making
me hungry. So that reminds me, you know, we we
we throw around this five love languages thing. It's in
the culture. Everybody knows it quote unquote. But there may
be somebody who's listening. I've never heard the five love languages.
Would you walk me through those? What are the five
love languages?
S7 (20:14):
All right. One of them is words of affirmation. You
look nice in that outfit. I really appreciate what you did.
Just looking for words that you can affirm them for
something about them. Words of affirmation. And then there's acts
of service. Doing something for the person in a marriage.
Such things as cooking meals, washing dishes, vacuuming floors, putting
(20:38):
gas in their car. Just anything that you know they
would like for you to do. Remember the old saying,
actions speak louder than words. If this is their love language.
Actions will speak louder than words. Then there's gifts. It's
universal to give gifts as an expression of love. The
gift says they were thinking about me. Look what they
(21:01):
got for me. And the gift doesn't have to be expensive,
but it's something that relates to them as a person
that you. Maybe you've heard them express the desire. I'd
like to have one of those someday, but it's giving gifts.
And then number four is quality time, giving the other
person your undivided attention. I do not mean sitting on
(21:22):
the couch watching television. Someone else has your attention. TV
is off. Computer is down. We're not answering our phone.
We're giving each other our full attention, sharing whatever we
want to share with each other. We can be sitting
around the house. We can be taking a walk down
the road, but it's giving them our full attention. And
(21:42):
the number five is physical touch. Affirming physical touches. In
a marriage, it would be such things as kissing, holding hands,
embracing the whole sexual part of the marriage, arm around
the shoulder, putting your hand on their leg as you're
driving down the road, just just affirming touches. And of course, Chris,
the basic idea of the book is that out of
(22:05):
those five languages, each of us has what I call
a primary love language. One speaks more deeply to us
emotionally than the other four. And if you don't speak
your spouse's primary love language, They will not feel loved
even though you're speaking some of the other languages. It's
a simple concept, but it absolutely can transform a marriage.
(22:28):
When each of you starts speaking the other person's primary
love language.
S6 (22:34):
And for teenagers, this goes for you too. It goes
for all ages. But there may be somebody. So now
you know what the five love languages are. But there
might be somebody who's asking. Wait a minute. You just
talked about ice cream. There's a there was a company
that came out. This was back closer to Valentine's Day
that came out with five different flavors, with each of
(22:56):
those as a theme. And I think the in the
little pint containers, they were kind of pink or darker pink,
lighter pink, that kind of thing. Right.
S7 (23:08):
Yeah. That's right. And it was just a promotional thing
for them. They just picked up on the five love
language concept and got permission to to use that. So.
So it's been a fun thing.
S6 (23:21):
Yeah. There's one. You're my brown sugar cookie butter. It's
meant to taste like words of affirmation. Uh. Hug me.
Hazelnut truffle is. That must be the physical touch, right?
S7 (23:34):
Yes. That's physical touch.
S6 (23:36):
So your idea that you came up with back in
the 1990s is if you figure out what this person
that you love, how they hear love or how they
feel loved and speak that you're going to get through, right?
S7 (23:52):
Yeah. That's right. Chris, you know, almost everyone agrees that
one of our deepest emotional needs on the human level
is the need to feel loved by the significant people
in our lives. And if it's a husband and wife,
I mean, that's the most important relationship. If you feel
loved by your spouse, life is beautiful. But if you
don't feel loved, life can begin to look pretty dark.
(24:16):
So it's a it's a simple concept on how to
effectively meet each other's emotional need for love.
S1 (24:27):
You're listening to the Building Relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast.
He's the New York Times best selling author of The
Five Love Languages. For more simple ways to strengthen your relationships,
go to five Love Languages. Com our featured resource today
is Doctor Chapman's book, A Teen's Guide to the Five
Love Languages. Again, go to Five Love languages.com to find
(24:50):
out more.
S6 (24:52):
This is our dear Gary broadcast for the month of
March and we would love to hear from you. If
you have a question, or maybe you want to follow
up something that you've heard today on the program, call
us 1866424. Gary, leave your message and we might use
your question or comment right here on the program. 4244279.
(25:17):
All right. Here's a real life situation in a home
that I don't think you can solve in five minutes, Gary,
to be honest with you. But I want to hear
what you will say about this marriage issue.
S12 (25:28):
Hi, Gary. My husband and I have been married for
nine years. This is our fourth marriage for both of us.
I have three children, a son and two daughters. He
has a son. They're all grown. My youngest daughter is
chronically ill and most likely only has about two years
left to live. She's 32. She also has two daughters.
(25:53):
They're living in the house with us now. This has
caused major strain on our marriage because my husband cannot
stand my daughter. And the reason for that. And this
is his words, is because he views her health problems
as a result of choices that she made. And he's
(26:14):
partially right. She's diabetic and she chose to have children,
which in turn damaged her kidneys. And she's in stage
four kidney failure for the second time. She's also got
heart problems, but this has caused a major strain on
her marriage, because I have to be there and take
care of my daughter and her daughters. And I was
(26:38):
in the hospital with her last year for three months.
He would not call me to ask how I was,
if I needed anything, how she was. The only time
she called was to complain that he had the sniffles
and that one of our cats had died. And what
a bad day he was having at work while I
(26:58):
was dealing with possibly losing my daughter at the time.
And I just wanted to know what your advice is
on this. We are going to counseling and he even
told the counselor that he felt like he he was
being replaced. How can I make this better? Thank you
(27:20):
for your advice.
S7 (27:22):
Well, you have to be empathetic with this mother and
wife who is rather caught in the middle between trying
to care for her daughter and her grandchildren, and also
her husband at the same time. It's a very, very
difficult situation. There's no question about that. So I can
understand her frustration. I think also anyone can understand her
(27:46):
husband's frustration that if she's gone for three months caring
for her, her daughter and the grandchildren and has no
contact with him, you can sense how he would feel
that he's a second fiddle in her mind. At the
same time, you also say, well, wait a minute. I mean,
that's her daughter. You don't want her to walk away
(28:06):
from her daughter. So it's a very, very hard situation.
One of the things I would say if I were
talking to him is this I can understand how you
would feel that your wife has not put you as
number one in the relationship. But I want you to
try to see it through a mother's eyes. It's called empathy.
(28:26):
See it through the mother's eyes. Here's my daughter. Yes,
she made wrong choices. Yes. Some of the things that
she's suffering physically are because of some wrong choices that
she made. But she's still my daughter, and I'm the
one that can care for her. Who else is going
to care for her and those grandchildren? I mean, you know,
(28:47):
I love them and they deserve someone that loves them.
So I think we tend to see things only through
our own eyes, not through the eyes of the other person.
But if you put yourself in their eyes and look
at the world through their eyes, you can come to
understand Why they do what they do. And it doesn't
(29:09):
mean you like it. It doesn't mean it's ideal. But
you see why they want to do that. Why she
wants to do that and that she's not rejecting you.
It's just that at this juncture in her life and
the life of her daughter, she feels like this is
something she must do as a loving mother. So I
think we have to be empathetic with the other person.
(29:30):
I think on her side, she also needs to be
empathetic with him. Honey, I can see how you would
feel that way. That makes sense to me. But at
this juncture, I don't have an option. Think about military couples.
They're sometimes separated not for three months, but for a
whole year. Sometimes. And yet they can have good marriages.
(29:52):
If we keep in touch with each other. So it's
a matter of saying, okay, this is the situation we're
in right now, but let's let's keep in touch with
each other rather than isolating each other. Let's reach out today.
Technology allows you to do that and see each other
face to face and talk on the phone, face to face.
(30:12):
So utilize the ability to communicate with each other to
be empathetic with each other. Let each other know I
love you, I'm praying for you and, uh, share life
with each other while you're walking through this, rather than
just withdrawing and feeling sorry for yourself. It's a matter
of choosing an attitude of love. Jesus said about himself,
(30:37):
The Son of Man did not come to be served,
but to serve and give his life a ransom for others.
He is our model, and if we choose not to
be self-centered, but to choose love and ask, how can
I minister to my spouse during this time in our
in our relationship, then you're going to reach out and
(31:00):
find ways to love her. And she reaches back to
find ways to love you. And if you understand each
other's love language, it'll make it even easier. But you see,
sometimes it boils down to am I going to have
a selfish attitude? Or am I going to have a
loving attitude? Love reaches out to serve the other person
and try to help them in the situation that they're
(31:23):
now in. To me, that's the approach. If there's going
to be a healthy relationship developed in this situation.
S6 (31:32):
And I was thinking about it from a five love
languages perspective. What if and I'm not saying this is
what's going on, but what if her love language is
acts of service? You know, she does a lot for
her daughter. And what of his is quality time? Then
you've got that. You know, they're kind of butting heads with,
he's not feeling loved and she's not feeling loved, you know,
(31:53):
from him being empathetic. I think the most hopeful thing
that I've heard in all of that, what she described
is they're going to counseling. They are? Yeah, they're having
a problem, but they're going to counseling. That's a good sign.
S7 (32:07):
I think that is a good sign, Chris. Always a
good sign. When two people are willing to go for counseling,
there's always hope because they have an outside voice who's
both hearing each of them understanding their perspectives and helping
them understand each other and how they might work this
out in a positive way, even though it's a difficult time. Yeah,
(32:30):
that's very positive that they're reaching out for counseling.
S6 (32:33):
You know, the other thing that went through my mind
is from his perspective, I wish he would call and
we could talk with him. But the if his if
her daughter only has, you know, a year or two
to live, then there's going to be a long time
after that that she, the mom, is going to be
dealing with that loss. And what kind of regret can
(32:58):
he not have two years, three years, five years, ten
years down the road? What can he do right now
so that he doesn't have to look back in regret
at the way that he handled this situation? You know,
I'm not telling him. I'm not giving him advice other
than if you look down the trail a little bit,
(33:20):
it might help you right now with the struggles that
you're having with your daughter.
S7 (33:26):
Yeah. I think acknowledging that, you know, it's a hard
time right now. This is not very pleasant, but it's
not going to be forever. So let's let's make the
most of where we are and find out how we
can love each other in the midst of the present situation.
And then when it gets better, it gets better. But
let's let's face it. Everybody faces hard times along the
(33:51):
journey of life. And so if we don't learn how
to love each other in the midst of struggle and hardship.
Then we go through divorce, and this lady mentioned that
each of them has already been this is their fourth marriage, right? Well,
maybe this is the time for them to learn how
to love each other in difficult situations. Because love is
(34:14):
a choice. It doesn't begin with a feeling. It begins
with a choice. I want to enrich your life. That's
the attitude of love. And you each have that attitude
toward each other. So the question is, how can I
best do that at this juncture in our relationship, facing
the realities that we now have?
S6 (34:35):
And again, if you want to ask a question of
Doctor Chapman or you heard our last caller and you say,
here's our situation that's similar to this, you want to
give a little bit of advice of your own from
your own experience. 866424. Gary is our number. Call. Leave
your message. You might hear your comment or question on
(34:56):
a future broadcast. 1-866-424-4279. I love it when listeners hear
something and they want to add to the conversation. On
a previous program, you took a call about a man
whose wife had a concussion. Gary. Here's our next caller.
S13 (35:14):
Hey, Gary. Um, I'm calling because I just heard the caller, uh,
regarding the question about his wife and having suffered a
concussion and also now some, um, unfortunate possible effect in
their relationship, especially on the side of sexually. Um, I'm
in the health care business. Uh, I'm not a doctor.
(35:37):
But that said, I think another consideration for the caller to, um,
discuss with his wife and the provider is menopause. One
of the major issues is also sexual desire. You know,
is affected. She should consider. And even between the age
(35:57):
of 40 and above, you know, this could start happening.
So that's something to consider. Unfortunately, many people don't discuss this.
For some reason. They're ashamed of this. But this is
a real issue. Um, and it's something that many couples
can walk through and work through, especially if they're believers.
So I wish everyone luck. And I thank you for, uh,
(36:20):
the station.
S7 (36:22):
Well, I appreciate the caller sharing that. Uh, you know,
I think when we hear things, whether I'm speaking or
anybody else is speaking and you have ideas, uh, that, uh,
that were not surfaced, uh, it's wonderful that you share
those things with us and with our listeners. Yeah. I
have always encouraged couples to have open conversation about the
(36:42):
sexual part of marriage. We don't make progress in any
area of marriage without communication. And so talking about this
part of the relationship is important, and working through a
Christian book that deals with this topic is also important.
And I say Christian book because a lot of times
non-Christian books in this particular area can suggest things that
(37:04):
I think are not not biblical, but working through a
book like this, like reading a chapter and then saying, well,
you know, what can we learn from this? And I
deal with this in several of my books, for example,
The Marriage You've Always Wanted. I have a chapter on
this open communication for couples in this part of the marriage.
So I think it's really important and I appreciate this
(37:26):
caller sharing that with us.
S6 (37:28):
Here's something that just struck me. Gary, husband and wife
driving down the road and you're listening. Here's a great question.
Turn to your spouse and ask this. If you could
hear any topic discussed on building relationships, anything that you
would like to hear Doctor Chapman talk about or have
a guest on, what would it be? You ask that
question and then listen well and then ask why? Why
(37:53):
would you like to hear that? Because the topics that, uh,
that your spouse wants to see addressed, there's a reason
why that's there. And it's the same with our next caller,
because I know that you're open to just about any
topic that we could discuss here on the program. There's
a caller who called 866424 Gary and left a suggestion.
(38:15):
Here it is.
S14 (38:17):
Hi, Gary. I would like if you could cover the
topic of singles who are actually already parents, because some
of us became Christians after having children, and some of
us have never married and we have children. And I'd
love if you could cover that topic and how we
(38:39):
can connect with other singles. Not for the dating aspect,
but where do we belong? I guess because we're not
the married. We're not the young people that are in
the campus ministries. We're this this particular niche, and there's
a lot of us, but we're not all in the
same churches. So if you could cover that at some point,
(39:04):
I think that would be awesome. And I look forward
to hearing what you have to say about what single
parents need to do, since we are technically single. Thank
you so much for everything you're doing and all the
wisdom you share.
S7 (39:19):
Well, this mother is describing the situation of thousands of
single moms in this country. Many reasons for that. As
she said, sometimes they had children before they got married
and now they're single. They never married the father of
the child. Sometimes it's been a divorce, but there are
(39:39):
literally thousands of single moms in this country. And it's
not an easy journey because, you know, in reality, the
ideal is that every child will have a mother and
a father with whom they can relate, because they need
to have a model of what a Christian husband looks
like and what a Christian mother looks like. Well, a
(40:01):
single mom cannot take the place of a Christian father
to that child, but she can be a Christian mother
to that child. And again, loving that child as a mother,
understanding the five love languages and that if you have
two children, they probably have different primary love languages. And
so you got to learn to speak each other's primary language,
(40:24):
plus speak the other four, because we want the child
to learn how to receive love and later give love
in all five languages. The other thing I would say
is if there is a Christian father or male in
the extended family, it could be an uncle. It could
be a grandfather who would be willing to spend time
(40:47):
with that child. That would be ideal that the child
would have at least a father figure in their lives,
even if it's not a father, a literal father. So
I think whatever you can do to expose that child
to to men, it would be helpful as well. It
complements what you're doing. That can often be done in
(41:10):
the context of a church. And having the child in
a church and in a children's program geared to their age.
Because many times the teachers of those classes are males
and females. So that's a great place for your child
to find exposure to a male figure as well, who
is a Christian. So I think that that could be very,
(41:32):
very helpful. As she said, she's not interested in going online,
just trying to find a husband. I mean, she wants
if God wants her to have a husband, then she's
going to keep open to that reality. Uh, but she
wants to be a faithful mother where she is. And
I think that's the desire of all Christian mothers who
are single moms. So there are churches, of course, that
(41:55):
have programs for single mothers. And I think if you
find one in your community, that would certainly be worth
attending that. And sometimes they have classes along that line
as well. And then there are books I think that
could help, help you. I have not written a book
for single mothers. I've written a book for singles, but
not dealing with the parental aspect. But I do encourage
(42:18):
single moms to reach out and seek to find someone,
and not necessarily one. It can be more than one,
but someone who can be a father figure for those children.
I think it will be an asset to the children
if you can do that.
S6 (42:35):
Yeah, the heart cry that I hear from her, and
I think it's a lot of people, maybe not in
her specific situation, but it's as far as the church goes.
Where do I belong? Where do I fit in here?
I don't feel like, you know, I'm. I'm kind of untethered. Uh,
I'm lost in space. I remember watching that as a kid.
(42:56):
I'm dating myself now, but lost in space. And. And
it goes on this spacewalk outside, and the hands are
going up. It's like, where where am I? What? What
do I matter? Does anybody see me here? And I
just want to to say to that person, God sees you.
He knows what you're going through. And then to those
who are leaders in the church, how how can you
(43:19):
come alongside her and offer help? Or for the single dad?
I hear from a lot of single dads too, Gary.
S7 (43:27):
Yeah, yeah, I think you're exactly right, Chris. I think
if a church would announce that they're going to have
a meeting, just a meeting or a dinner for single mothers,
and there'll be child care for those children. They might
be shocked at the number of people that would come
to that. And then if they decide to do that
(43:47):
once a month, those single mothers would reach out with
other single mothers and that meeting would grow. I can
almost guarantee you would grow because you're right. They often
feel like I don't fit. I don't fit anywhere. I
don't fit in the singles ministry because they're all singles
without children. I don't fit with the married group because
I'm not married. So yeah, it is a challenge for
(44:10):
the individual and it's also a challenge for the church.
And I would just encourage you, if there are church
leaders who are listening to us today, that you explore
the possibility of starting some kind of ministry to single mothers.
S6 (44:24):
Well, as you've listened here today, you've heard some really
deep calls, some great calls, life situations. And if you
want to lend your voice to the effort, call us
at 866424. 24. Gary, leave a question. Leave a comment.
We just love to hear your voice. You can talk
about ice cream too if you'd like. 1866424. Gary, we'd
(44:46):
love to hear from you. And don't forget to check
out our featured resource, the book by Doctor Chapman A
Teen's Guide to the Five Love Languages how to understand
yourself and improve all your relationships. You can find out
more at the website.
S7 (44:59):
Building relationships and next week how to build spiritual habits
in the home.
S1 (45:07):
Discover some small steps you can take in one week.
Before we go, let me thank our production team, Steve
Wick and Janice. Backing building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman
is a production of Moody Radio in Chicago in association
with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks
for listening.
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