May 31, 2025 • 45 mins
Marriage struggles. Parenting problems. Singles issues. It’s all up for discussion on this Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. Once a month we open the lines for your questions for this trusted author of the New York Times Bestseller, the Five Love Languages. The problems discussed may help you with a struggle you’re facing. Don’t miss the questions and answers on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.
Featured resource: The 5 Love Languages® of Children Workbook Bundle
Donate to Moody Radio: http://moodyradio.org/donateto/buildingrelationships
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
S1 (00:01):
I'm calling with some concerns.
S2 (00:04):
My wife and I had a squabble over me being stupid.
S3 (00:08):
This is a big problem in our culture. I'm having
trouble figuring out what my husband's love language is.
S4 (00:19):
Welcome to building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of
the New York Times bestseller, The Five Love Languages. Today,
it's our May, Dear Gary broadcast as we feature your
questions to our host.
S5 (00:31):
That's right, Doctor Gary Chapman is in the house and
ready for your questions and comments. And we have a
number that you can call if you want to ask
Doctor Chapman a question. It's 1866424 Gary.
S4 (00:45):
And we have a featured resource at our website Building Relationships.
It's the Five Love Languages of Children workbook bundle, which
includes the book and the workbook. Find out more at
Building Relationships.
S5 (00:59):
All right. You have to tell us more about this
resource and who it's for. Gary, this five Love Languages
of Children workbook bundle.
S6 (01:07):
Actually, Chris, it can be for an individual parent or
a husband or wife doing it together, or it can
be used in a small group. The workbook. What you
basically you're reading the chapter in the in the book,
the original book, the Five Love Languages of children. It's
for parents. And then you turn to this first chapter
(01:28):
of the workbook, and it actually helps you apply what
you've just read in that chapter. And if it's a group,
then you all in the group discuss, you know, your
responses to that in the workbook. So I think it's
going to be a really a good tool. Of course,
the Five Love Languages of Children has been out for
a long time. The workbook is a newer thing that
(01:48):
we've added because we think it's going to help people,
as I said, in small groups, but also just a
husband and wife working through it, or even an individual
parent working through it. So I think it's going to
be an asset to really applying what you're reading as
you work through the book. With The Five Love Languages
of Children.
S5 (02:08):
I love the thought of small groups, though, because you
get parents together and they start talking about, you know,
here's what we're struggling with. And, and parents realize, hey,
we're not alone in this. There are other people who
have the same kinds of situations.
S6 (02:23):
Yeah, absolutely. And that's always encouraging. And it stimulates conversations
after the session is over. You know, you hurt somebody
said something that really helped you and you go have
a conversation with them. So, you know, the Christian life
was meant to be lived in community. So I think
anytime we're doing something in smaller groups where we can
interface with each other and be honest and open, whatever
(02:45):
the topic, uh, it's going to create growth in our lives.
S5 (02:50):
Well, you can find out more about that featured resource
at Building Relationships. It's the five Love Languages of children.
Work book bundle. Just go to building relationships. Okay, Gary.
Our first caller today wanted to remain anonymous, so we
have transcribed her question. And here it is. Gary. Here's
my situation. When my husband and I dated, we both
(03:13):
rode bikes. Now he won't do anything active. He won't
even walk the dog. When I pray at the table,
he says, we don't need to pray every night for
our food. What can I do? I was the one
who always did the devotions with the children, and he
doesn't really talk about his faith at all. Recently, my
son renewed his spiritual life and we've been doing devotions together.
(03:35):
That's a huge blessing and an answered prayer. But I
would like some advice about my husband.
S6 (03:42):
Well, you know, Chris, I'm guessing that a number of
our listeners might identify with this. It's where one person
is walking with God and another is not walking with God.
because anyone who is walking with God will be willing
to share that walk with other people, and especially in
(04:03):
the family. Again, I'd say, first of all, you cannot
make your husband participate with you in daily devotional time.
You cannot make him want to give thanks for the
food when you sit down to eat. You can pray
that God will work in his heart. God may or
(04:24):
may not use you to do that, but that God
would work in his heart by bringing people into his
life who can speak into him or circumstances into his life.
Because sometimes it's circumstances that God uses to shake up
a person who is either not a Christian at all,
(04:45):
or is not really walking in close fellowship with God.
A conversation probably would not hurt for you just to
sit down with him and say, one night, honey, I
want to talk to you about this. I don't know
how you feel, and you just kind of share your heart, but,
you know, I enjoy talking with you. I enjoy having
(05:10):
prayer together. I would like to have devotions together. I
think you know that. And I don't know inside of
you what's going on? Is it that you don't like
God or you don't know God or what? What is
it that has you where you are in this situation?
And I'm not trying to make you do anything because
(05:31):
I can't do that. I'm just sharing with you my
heart and just trying to understand where you are and
what's going on inside of you. As I said, I
don't know that it would hurt to have such a conversation.
It may or may not help, but I don't think
it would hurt because he will walk away and he
may get angry. I don't know, Depending on his personality,
(05:53):
he may get angry with you for even bringing it
up and say, I don't want to talk about it
and da da da da. He can't keep you from
talking to God. And God said, you know, ask for wisdom,
I'll give it to you. So pray that God will
give you wisdom in terms of what you might do,
and that God would bring other people into his life
or situations that would really speak to him deeply. Because
(06:16):
often that's what has to happen. The Apostle Paul's life
was radically changed. He was not an apostle when he
had an encounter with God. And God can bring things
in situations into people's lives today that can wake them
up just as fast and just as meaningfully.
S5 (06:34):
The other part of our question is that he doesn't
exercise anymore. So this one is you mentioned that first,
and it's not as big an issue probably. But you know,
he used we used to ride bikes together. He doesn't
walk the dog now. Uh, and you've said through the
years you can influence your spouse, but you can't control
them and what they do, right?
S6 (06:56):
Yeah, absolutely. Chris. And you know what's behind that behavior?
I don't know. Does he have physical problems? You know,
how old is he? What is his physical condition? Do
any of those things play into the fact that he
doesn't even want to walk the dog or take a
walk himself? And if so, she's concerned about his physical well-being.
(07:20):
Because if we're not active up to the limit that
we can be active, then we're going to deteriorate. The
body will deteriorate. So I understand her concern there. She
might invite him to walk with her if she. If
she'll take a walk and say, honey, would you like
to walk with me? He'll probably say no. But if
you do it on a regular basis, he may decide
(07:41):
to join you. And I don't know if there are
men in his life that might connect with him and
invite him into some men's activities at a church if
you're involved in a church. Because there are lots of
things going on for men in most of our churches.
And some of them are even physical because some churches
have gymnasiums. And they invite men to come and do
(08:04):
workouts and so forth. So all we can do is
expose him to opportunities. But again, as you said, Chris,
we can't make our husbands or wives do anything, but
we can have a positive influence. And that influence is
not nagging them. It's not nagging them, but it is
trying to have meaningful conversations with them and ask what
(08:29):
you might do, or what someone else might do to
help them in a particular area that we'd like to
see improvement.
S5 (08:36):
Well, we love your questions about love languages, and if
you want to call that listener line and give us yours,
we'd love to hear from you today. 866424. Gary, here
is a love language question that is a little bit complicated.
S1 (08:51):
Hi Gary, I'm calling with some concerns. I started doing
your five love languages, and I'm getting really stumped because
my husband is an alcoholic and I'm struggling with trying
to answer the questions faithfully and truthfully. So I was
(09:12):
just wanting if you had some kind of ideas or
tips that might help me, that would be amazing. Thanks. Bye.
S6 (09:22):
Okay, what I understand the caller to say is that
she's taken the free quiz at Five Love Languages, but
she's having trouble even answering the questions, choosing between 2
or 3 things. Let me just throw this out. If
you're trying to discover your own love language or someone
else's love language, there are three informal ways in which
(09:42):
this can be done. One is ask yourself, how do I.
If you want to know your love language, how do
I typically express love to other people? Am I a
gift giver? Am I giving encouraging words, or am I
having long conversations with people? How do I most normally
express love to other people? That's a clue to what
(10:05):
your primary love language is. That is what you want
to receive. And you can ask the same thing about
the other person your husband. For example. How does he
typically express love to you or anybody else? It may
not be your primary language, but he's he's doing something, perhaps.
And then the second is what do you complain about
most often? Or what does he complain about most often?
(10:28):
Complaint reveals the love language. You know, if you're saying
to him, I just feel like we don't ever spend
time together anymore, you're revealing to yourself and to him
that your primary language is quality time. We don't ever
have any time together. Or if you say, you know what?
What really bothers me most is that he won't do
(10:50):
anything with me. He won't do any activities with me. Again,
you're asking for quality time, him doing something with you
that's meaningful. So. And what does he complain about? Most often,
if indeed he complains. And then thirdly, what do you
request of him? Most often, if you're asking him to
help you do something around the house or do something
(11:13):
for you around the house, then acts of service may
be your primary language. If he. What request does he
make of you? So whatever request he's making of you
is a clue to what his primary love language is.
So you answer those three questions for yourself. You can
pretty well figure out what your primary love language is.
(11:34):
And if you ask those same three questions of the
person that you are loving your spouse or someone else
that you have a close relationship with, you can pretty
well determine what their primary love language is.
S5 (11:47):
How does the issue of alcohol cloud things or complicate
it more?
S6 (11:53):
Well, alcohol always clouds all of life. It affects all
of life. I don't know in a particular situation like
this in terms of love language or determining a love language,
how it might affect that. It depends obviously, on, you know,
how often is he under the influence of alcohol and
(12:13):
how does it affect his behavior? Because, uh, let's face it,
a person who's addicted to alcohol is going to have
a lot of problems in relationships, as well as problems
at work and other other things. So it's detrimental to
any relationship. So that's why the Bible is so clear.
Don't get drunk. You know, it's just simple. That's simple
(12:36):
from the Bible. Don't get drunk. No one's life or
marriage was ever helped by somebody getting drunk. And when
people are addicted to it, it's a lifestyle. It's a
lifestyle that destroys. We need to do everything we can
for a person who is an alcoholic, to try to
find help and try to get them to the place
(12:57):
where they're willing to go for help so they can break, really,
the bondage of that addiction.
S5 (13:04):
Well, I mentioned our phone number 866424 Gary just a
minute ago. And if you have a concern about your
marriage or a parenting struggle, maybe you're in a dating
relationship and you have a question or comment, we'd love
to hear from you. 866424 Gary. But on a previous
broadcast I mentioned, I said something like, if you have
(13:25):
a positive story about your marriage, call us. And here
is our first bit of good news right now.
S7 (13:33):
Hey Gary, I wanted to make this comment on the program,
that program topic of what has made one's marriage go
a little better, a little smoother. Oh, I guess 4
or 5, six years ago, my wife and I implemented
a standing date night into our routine. And what that
(13:57):
looks like is one day a week, every Wednesday, we
shut everything down and we, uh, go on a date.
As I said, a standing date. And, uh, my wife
has grown to really look forward to that. I look
forward to that. And, uh, we don't let anything get
(14:21):
in the way of that. Prior to establishing that date night,
you know, things weren't as smooth as they could be. And, uh,
and there were times where we just didn't see eye
to eye and, uh, we let any little things, pop
up and cause us to have a little argument here
(14:44):
or argument there. So it reminds me of the love
language of spending time. Uh, that is definitely my wife's
love language. Spending time. And she really enjoys that. Cherish that.
Thank you.
S6 (15:02):
Well, Chris, as I heard that question, it sounds to
me like I heard waves. I don't know if he
was on the beach when he asked that question. Did
you hear that?
S5 (15:11):
I yeah, it was it sounded like, uh, road noise
to me, but it can, you know, it can be
just like holding a seashell up to your ear. You
can hear that as well.
S6 (15:22):
That's what I heard. I said he must be walking
on the beach. We saw. Well, at any rate, I'm
really glad that he called, because he's sharing a practical
idea that enriched his marriage. And for if quality time
is their language especially, that would be powerful. It would
be very interesting to know some of the things that
(15:43):
they do on their date night. Might give other people ideas.
For some people, a date night is simply going out
for dinner. Uh, well, that's that's fine. But maybe there's
other things that he, he and she have done that
would be helpful to know. But I do think setting
a time in which the two of you do something
(16:04):
together on a regular basis, whether you call it a
date night or it doesn't even have to be night,
it can be a date in the middle of the day,
depending on your schedule in which you do something together
that both of you want to do. A way of
spending time with each other. Because we can get so
busy in the context of daily life, we don't ever
(16:26):
have any quality time with each other in which we're
just giving our attention to each other. We may be
doing something else. We may be riding a bicycle. We
may be, you know, building a habitat for humanity house together,
but just doing something. I do think there's value in
having variety on, on the dates that you have. But yeah,
(16:48):
this is a great idea, and I really appreciate him
sharing that. Many people have discovered what he's discovered the
value of a regular time together.
S5 (16:57):
Two things stand out to me. One, he said he
used the phrase we shut everything down. It's like, yeah,
and and in that he's saying, you are my priority.
Us is the priority here. And everything else shuts down
because we're going to spend some time together. And so
that's the one thing that I picked up. The second
(17:21):
is it sounds like he gets as much out of
this time together, uh, if not more than she does,
even if quality time is not his love language.
S6 (17:33):
Yes. Quality time does not have to be your primary
love language for you to enjoy time together, doing things together.
You know, that's why the whole thing, when you're falling
in love, what do we do? We date. We call
it date. We get together and give each other our
undivided attention. Doing all kind of things together, growing together.
(17:54):
I don't know why we stopped that when we get married,
but it's something that will enhance a marriage for sure.
S5 (18:01):
Let's keep the positive vibes going. Listen to this next call.
Who has had a big change in his life?
S2 (18:09):
Hi, I am from Indiana and several years ago my
wife and I had a squabble over me being stupid
and she asked me to leave the house, which I did.
And in doing that, I realized the only friend I
had was Jesus Christ. But I had not been living
(18:32):
for Jesus Christ for several years. I got saved when
I was nine, and I hit high school, military and college,
and my life became worldly and that's all I had
was the world. So I started reading books, Gary Smalley,
Chapman and some others. But Chapman's book really got me
(18:52):
thinking about a lot of things. One Friday afternoon, my
wife wanted to talk to me, so my dad came
to work. We went back to my father's house and
we sat and talked and and my wife told me
that unless I changed, I wasn't going to ever come back.
And I said, well, how are you going to know
I changed if you if I'm not around? And she said, well,
(19:15):
that makes sense. She said, so you can come home.
And if I don't see a change in two weeks,
you're out again. So I went home and I did
everything I could to listen and pray about what I
needed to do to be the right husband. Reading books
One Sunday we were going to go to church and, uh, well,
(19:38):
we got a phone call and I answered the phone,
which was a mistake. It was her father, and he
wanted to know why I was there. And I told
him that I live here. And he got angry. So
I gave the phone to my wife, and my wife said,
you know, she did something that changed my life completely.
She said, I need a father and a husband more
than I need a mother and dad. And that just
(20:02):
turned my life around. My wife threw her parents under
the bus for me, and I just realized that how
could I not live for her if she's living for me?
And so I changed. And this week we celebrate 59 years.
God has been number one in our lives. We found
a good church, which we've been in for over 40
something years, and it's just wonderful that your book led
(20:24):
me back to my wife and the Lord. Thank you, Gary,
for writing the book. Thank you for what you do.
God bless you in the future. and talk to you later. Bye.
S6 (20:34):
Well, that is certainly an encouraging call. Chris, when you
hear what God did in a person's life and that
one of my books had a positive impact in that process,
he may be talking about the five love languages. I
don't think he called it in particular, but obviously that's
the best known book that I have written. He also
mentioned Gary Smalley, who was a friend of mine, and
(20:55):
I always enjoyed being with Gary and the books he
he wrote on marriage. He's in heaven now. Many of
you know that. But the caller demonstrates when you make
a choice to change, you have all the help of God.
We can go on our own way, do our own thing,
leave God out of our lives if that's what we
(21:16):
choose to do. But we will never have the kind
of life we really would like to have without God.
Because deep in the human heart, there is a longing
to have a relationship with God. So great to see
God does change lives and the fact they've been together
now 59 years is a testimony. The reality that not
(21:39):
only does God change us in the moment, but God
guides us and we continue to grow because the Christian
life with God is always a growth experience.
S5 (21:50):
I love that 59 years and the question I have is,
did her mom and dad ever come around? Do they
ever see that he really has changed and embraced him?
We we can't know that. The other thing I loved
about what he said was he said the question of
by saying it was me being stupid, which I think
(22:12):
I think a lot of men can understand that. But
but the but there's another aspect to this. It's like
it sounds to me like, uh, the first motivation for
him was my wife said, if you don't change, then
you're not coming back here. And that was a wake
up call for him. But it also sounds like something
else happened in his heart. There was something more than
(22:35):
I just have to toe the line and do what
she wants me to do. At some point there was
an interchange and almost a transformation that that happened. Do
you agree with that?
S6 (22:47):
Yeah, that's that's my guess too, that as he read
my book and other books, God worked in his heart
and he turned to God because he said, you know,
he'd walked his own way, just kind of rule God
out of his life. But I think he let God
back in his life and the books, you know, helped
him with that and gave him practical ways to cooperate
(23:07):
with God in loving your spouse and an attitude of
serving each other. When we get the concept that Jesus
is our model and he said about himself, the Son
of Man did not come to be served, but to serve,
and then give his life a ransom for others. And
(23:28):
when a husband and wife has that attitude of service,
they're both going to become winners. You know, he's reaching
out to her. She's reaching out to him. That's what
marriage is all about. Two are better than one. When
we work together with that attitude.
S5 (23:43):
Maybe there's somebody listening today and they hear themselves in
that call. A husband or wife, you know, maybe being stupid.
And it's like, I want that 59 years together, I
want that. You're saying that there's hope for that couple, right?
S6 (23:59):
Absolutely, Chris. And it has to start with one of them.
It normally doesn't start the same time with both of them,
but someone has to decide. You know, I'm going to
ask God to give me wisdom on how to reach
out to my spouse in love. And ultimately, if they're
(24:19):
not responding. Yeah. Then there is the time to say, uh,
I don't know how you feel, but you appear to
have no interest in our marriage. And so there is
a time for tough love. But that tough love should
always come after there's been a stage of tender love.
Loving them even though they don't deserve it.
S4 (24:42):
This is the building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast.
We'd love to hear your question or feedback at our
listener line 1866424. Gary is our number. Call and leave
a message and you might hear an answer on an
upcoming Dear Gary broadcast. Again 1-866-424-4279. If you go to
(25:05):
five love Languages comm, you'll see our featured resource, the
five Love Languages of Children Workbook bundle. Again, go to
five Love languages. Comm.
S5 (25:17):
Gary. Here is a basic, fundamental bedrock question from a
listener that I think is going to help somebody else
who's listening. Here we go.
S8 (25:27):
Hi, Gary. I was calling to find out how I
go about locating therapists or counselor in my area that
deals with my personal needs. That would be great. Thank you.
S6 (25:45):
Well, you know, that's a common question that people ask
if they are not aware of, you know, counselors in
their area. There are several approaches. One would be to
call some of the churches in your area and ask them,
you know, do they know of Christian counselors in your area?
(26:05):
Because many times the pastor and staff members of churches
know who the Christian counselors are, and they would be
glad to refer you to one of them. Locally, that's
probably the best thing you could do is call a
church and ask that question. You can also call focus
on the family in Colorado Springs. You can locate them online.
(26:28):
Just Google focus on the family. They have counselors, some
20 counselors who are available in the daylight hours basically
to talk with you. And they will not do long
term counseling, but they will recommend to you counselors in
your area because they have a list of counselors all
(26:50):
over the country, Christian counselors. And you share your basic problem,
the one you're struggling with, and they will give you
a list of some folks in your area that you
can call. There is another organization called American Association of
Christian Counselors. I think the website is AA dot. I
(27:10):
could be wrong about that. Don't quote me on that one.
But American Association of Christian Counselors, you can Google it.
They also have a list of counselors all over the country.
So you give them your zip code, and they will
give you a list of counselors that you can contact
in your area, and then call them and see if
they work with folks who are having the problem that
(27:32):
you're having.
S5 (27:33):
Yes. He had a guest not long ago who said
that she and her husband were going through a financial struggle,
and they met with the same counselor one on Monday
and the other on Wednesday, and then they got together
on Friday. So it was three times a week. And
she said they used a sliding scale of, you know,
whatever their income was. So they were helping them out
(27:56):
in order to, to help with this marriage struggle, that
they were a deep marriage struggle that they were going through.
And so there are those counselors. There's also in churches,
counseling that is offered free. A lot of times those
are the the bigger churches can can offer that, whereas
the smaller church can't. So I think what you're saying
(28:16):
is there's a lot of different avenues. Don't give up, right?
S6 (28:21):
Absolutely. Absolutely, Chris. And what you just mentioned is important
that many, many of the larger Christian churches do have
pastors or people on their staff or even sometimes volunteers
who are counselors or who are coaches, sometimes called coaches,
that that can be very helpful to people who are
(28:42):
looking for help.
S5 (28:43):
Well, if you have a question for Doctor Chapman like
that 1866424 Gary, we'd love to hear from you if
you have positive response, if you've had, uh, you've been
reading Gary's book and there's something that has happened in
your relationship, let us know about it. (866)Â 424-4279. Here's a
response to a previous broadcast and the topic we dealt
(29:06):
with hit home with her.
S9 (29:09):
Hello. Um, I just want to say I heard your
program on addiction. Sexual addiction. I worked in the hospital
for 25 years, and this is a big problem in
our culture. And the thing is, we are ignoring it
because they get hooked on it through the culture, accepting it.
(29:31):
They get hooked on it through the internet. They get
hooked on it through the movies. It's saturated in our culture.
The church has been silent because it's embarrassing to have
to deal with it. And I've been thinking about it
for a long time, because I've been out here in
the single world for years, never remarried because of the
(29:53):
problems with sexual freedom. I just thought it wasn't right
that people are accepting it so freely and living together
is nothing. They don't make the real commitment. Sometimes they do,
sometimes they don't. And it's in our culture. It's saturated
in our culture that it is accepted. It, and then
(30:17):
it just escalates to an addiction. And lots of people
can get on the internet and find anything they want
dating everything. And so there's a town near me that
has 300,000 retirees, and they have many, many problems there
with sexual diseases running through the place. And not only that,
(30:43):
I just thought, well, what do we do? What do
we do as Christians, as a culture that we're in?
And I do believe that AA is a great program,
and I wish they had Christ in the program more
so the higher power. But maybe we need on AA
(31:04):
for addictions. I'm sure there is one. I don't even
know about it. Just as a Christian and a believer. Yes,
it is a very embarrassing problem. And thank God that
this woman called in and told you in the world
personally put herself out there to let you know how
bad it is. And I just want to thank you.
(31:28):
I'm not criticizing believers or the church. I'm just saying
it's an issue, a big one. Okay. Thank you so much.
I hope that you keep the program going. I like
the fact that you honestly want to know what people
are thinking. I think it's really good to know what's
going on out here. And I wouldn't have known it
(31:51):
unless I had been thrown into a single world years ago.
Thank you. Have a wonderful day.
S6 (31:59):
Well, Chris, this caller is putting her finger upon a
reality in our culture. And she's right. We often don't
discuss this, but the reality is that Christian guidelines for
sexuality T are largely ignored by millions of people in
this country. I mean, the Bible is very clear. Husbands
(32:23):
and wives, men and women are committed to each other
in the context of marriage. This is where sexual intercourse
is very, very meaningful. Outside of that framework, it is
not what God had in mind. What has happened is
many people, she's right, are addicted. This is their God.
(32:45):
This is where they find those pleasures along the way
that give them meaning to life. It's the only meaning
they have because they have no relationship with God. So yeah,
it certainly needs to be addressed more than it is addressed.
And she's right. While there are AA Alcoholics Anonymous, which
(33:05):
she talked about, those addicted to alcohol, and there are other, uh,
organizations that deal with addiction to alcohol and drugs. You
don't see, and it's not well known in the country
that there's any organization like that for sexual addiction. So
it's a tremendous need. And any counselors out there who
(33:27):
might be listening to us, this is an area that
you might want to seek to discuss this with other leaders,
pastors and leaders in the church as to what can
be done or what maybe is available that we're not
even aware of. That would be helpful. It's an issue
that has to be dealt with. Otherwise, we continue down
this pathway of lives literally being destroyed because they've written
(33:52):
God out of the equation of their lives and are
doing simply what brings them momentary pleasure.
S5 (33:57):
You know, it was interesting to me that she brought
up this place that's near her with a lot of
people there who are older, who are caught in this
same thing. So this is not just the younger generation
and they're not this is everybody, isn't it?
S6 (34:12):
It is, Chris, because we have largely ignored the traditional
biblical teaching on sexuality, and we have allowed any kind
of sexual relationship as being legitimate. And when we do that,
we just open the door for people to be addicted
to it. Because let's face it, the Bible says there
(34:33):
is pleasure in sin for a season. So we're not
denying that there's pleasure in this. But what we are
saying is it does not lead to ultimate satisfaction because
it is a rebellion against God's principles and God's guideline
and everything God laid down for us. He laid it
down out of his love. He knows us. He made us,
(34:56):
and he knows sexuality and everything else about us. And
he gave us guidelines to follow. And when it has
its proper place, it's beautiful. But when we make it
a god, it is a false god.
S5 (35:11):
Gary. Here is a marital love language question that you
may have heard before. See if you can give some
help here.
S10 (35:19):
Hi, Gary. I have a few questions about me and
my husband's relationship. First of all, I just wanted to
say thank you for the work that you have done.
It's been such a blessing. I've read the five love
languages and have been really trying to apply it to
my marriage, but I'm having trouble figuring out what my
husband's love language is. He takes the test and he
(35:43):
seems to get a different result each time he takes
the quiz. And I'm not sure how to really show
him love when I don't know what his love language is,
or in the way that he connects to the most.
So if there's any advice or direction you could offer,
I'd be really grateful. Thank you.
S6 (36:05):
Well, Chris, earlier in a question, I gave those three
informal ways to discover a person's love language. Namely, how
does he most typically express love to you or to
other people? And then what does he complain about most often?
And what does he request most often? Uh, if you
(36:26):
utilize those three things, you can probably figure out his
love language. But I'll give you another practical idea. What
if you say to him every 2 or 3 weeks, uh,
on a scale of 0 to 10, how full is
your love tank? Or how much love do you feel
coming from me? And whatever figure he gives you? Less
(36:49):
than ten, you say? Well, this week, what is the
most powerful thing I could do to show you that
I love you? And chances are, he will tell you
specifically what on that particular week would be most meaningful
to him. And these answers may not always fall into
one of the languages, because there are people who who
(37:13):
really all five of them speak deeply to them. And
normally these fall into two categories. It's either a person
who received all five growing up and they've always felt loved.
And so if their spouse is giving them all five
a mixture of all five, they're going to feel loved.
The other is people who never felt loved growing up,
(37:35):
and they're not really sure what makes them feel love
because they're not even sure what it feels like to
feel loved. The question I gave you on a scale
of 0 to 10, how full is your love tank
is a good way of identifying at that moment in
that particular week, what would be most important to them?
S5 (37:56):
I've heard you say two, and maybe this is more
with children than a spouse, but one week go with
physical touch, the next week you go with quality time
and you observe how they respond to this week after
week after week.
S6 (38:12):
Yeah, yeah, that is another approach because you overdo it
on each one of them. And that week you're really
focusing on that one. And you will notice a difference
in them in the week when you're really hitting their
primary love language. Yeah. Thanks for reminding me of that, Chris.
S5 (38:28):
1866424 Gary is our number. We'd love to hear your
question or your comment about a relationship that has revived.
1-866-424-4279 Gary A few minutes ago we heard about sexual
addiction and what it's doing in the culture. Here's a
real life struggle from a listener.
S11 (38:50):
Hi Gary. First, thank you so much for your work
over the years. My question is, if your husband is
addicted to pornography, will the love languages still be effective?
Thank you.
S6 (39:05):
I think it depends on what the caller means by effective.
If a person is addicted to porn, will knowing their
primary love language and speaking on a regular basis cause
them to turn away from the addiction of porn? I
don't know that that would be true. Just like if
(39:27):
they're addicted to alcohol, I don't know that speaking their
primary love language on a regular basis will cause them
to lay aside or turn away from alcohol, because this
is both of those are addictions, and there has to
be a process of helping that person understand, first of all,
(39:48):
why they need to break the addiction. Because if they're
not motivated themselves to do it, it will not happen.
I do think, however, persons addicted to porn, as the
caller indicated, if you speak their primary love language on
a regular basis over an extended period of time, and
you are aware of what they're doing and they're aware
(40:10):
that this hurts you very deeply. There is a place,
I would say, six months down the road, you speak
their love language for six months at least once a week,
very consistently, and then one day say to them, I
don't know how you feel about our relationship, but I
feel like in the last six months I have loved
you in what I believe is a way that's very
(40:33):
meaningful to you. And I do love you, but you
know how painful it is for me to know that
you are addicted to porn. And I ask you in
the past to make changes, to reach out and get help,
but you have not. So I want to say to you,
I love you too much to sit here and do
(40:54):
nothing about this issue. So and here's the tough love.
Then you tell them what you're going to do. I'm
going to move in with my mom for a month.
I'm not abandoning you. I'm not leaving you. I'm not
divorcing you. But I want to challenge you to deal
with this problem because it's not good for you. It's
(41:15):
not good for me. And it doesn't bring glory to God.
But the tough love approach will stimulate that spouse often
to reach out and get the help they need to
break that addiction. But it has to follow after. There's
been a time of tender love over a period of time.
Because if you simply have complained about it numerous times
(41:37):
and then you take the tough love approach, they will
say to themselves, well, I'm glad you're out of here,
and I hope you don't come back because they're tired
of all your criticism. So tender love over an extended
period of time, followed by tough love, is often the
road for them to get the help they need.
S5 (41:57):
You know as well as I do, though, Gary, that
in the culture, pornography is just it's there, it's ubiquitous.
It's everywhere. And it's it's a joke, you know, on comedies,
on TV. It has been a joke for years and
years and years. It's not anything bad. Why are you
why are you so, you know, stuck in the in
(42:17):
the Puritan realm, you know, all of those things. So
unless the person who is addicted sees that it's a problem, it's,
you know, you're swimming upstream, aren't you?
S6 (42:29):
Absolutely, Chris. Absolutely. That's why I say if they are
not open to seek help, then we can't make them change.
It's just like an alcoholic, you know, they often say
I'm not an alcoholic. I mean, I'm I'm in control
of what I'm doing. You know, that's we all we
tend to be defensive of whatever we're doing that the
(42:52):
other person is complaining about. And the other thing would be,
I don't know what her husband's relationship with God is
whether he has a relationship or doesn't have a relationship.
But obviously, his relationship with God will have a lot
to do with whether he's sensitive to this area or
whether he's not.
S5 (43:13):
Would you just take a moment for the the spouse
or the maybe it's a parent who sees this going
on with their kids, uh, an addiction to pornography. Would
you pray for that spouse or that parent who's trying
to love well and is having a hard time?
S6 (43:30):
Sure. Father, you know what we're talking about. And you
know the caller and you know those who are listening today,
who have family members who are caught in this destructive
expression of sexuality. I pray, first of all, that you'd
give them wisdom to know what they might do that
(43:52):
would be helpful to that spouse or that child. And
I pray, father, that your spirit would continue to confront
those individuals who may be listening, who are themselves the
ones who are addicted to pornography. Father, I know you
love them. And I know you want to deliver them
from this. And I know you want them to follow
(44:14):
your guidelines for sexuality. Because you made us and you
made made us sexual. And your purposes and your guidelines
are for our benefit. So I pray that you'd open
the eyes of those who may be listening today, who
are in bondage to this. And give them not only
a desire, but then give them the power to break
(44:35):
the bondage and come back in the real world for
their good and for your glory. In the name of Christ. Amen.
S5 (44:44):
Amen. Well, that is our conversation for today. Thank you
for listening. And if you want to add your voice
to maybe respond to a caller today, ask a question,
make a comment. Give us a story. 1866424. Gary is
our number (866)Â 424-4279. And if you go to building relationships,
(45:08):
you'll see the featured resource of the Five Love Languages
of Children Workbook bundle. Just go to Building Relationships.
S6 (45:17):
And next week. How do you deal with the mood
swings and eye rolls of pre-teenagers?
S4 (45:25):
Tricia Goyer and Leslie Nunnery give some great parenting advice
in one week. A big thank you to our production team,
Steve Wick and Janice backing. Building relationships with Doctor Gary
Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in association with
Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.
I'm calling with some concerns.
S2 (00:04):
My wife and I had a squabble over me being stupid.
S3 (00:08):
This is a big problem in our culture. I'm having
trouble figuring out what my husband's love language is.
S4 (00:19):
Welcome to building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of
the New York Times bestseller, The Five Love Languages. Today,
it's our May, Dear Gary broadcast as we feature your
questions to our host.
S5 (00:31):
That's right, Doctor Gary Chapman is in the house and
ready for your questions and comments. And we have a
number that you can call if you want to ask
Doctor Chapman a question. It's 1866424 Gary.
S4 (00:45):
And we have a featured resource at our website Building Relationships.
It's the Five Love Languages of Children workbook bundle, which
includes the book and the workbook. Find out more at
Building Relationships.
S5 (00:59):
All right. You have to tell us more about this
resource and who it's for. Gary, this five Love Languages
of Children workbook bundle.
S6 (01:07):
Actually, Chris, it can be for an individual parent or
a husband or wife doing it together, or it can
be used in a small group. The workbook. What you
basically you're reading the chapter in the in the book,
the original book, the Five Love Languages of children. It's
for parents. And then you turn to this first chapter
(01:28):
of the workbook, and it actually helps you apply what
you've just read in that chapter. And if it's a group,
then you all in the group discuss, you know, your
responses to that in the workbook. So I think it's
going to be a really a good tool. Of course,
the Five Love Languages of Children has been out for
a long time. The workbook is a newer thing that
(01:48):
we've added because we think it's going to help people,
as I said, in small groups, but also just a
husband and wife working through it, or even an individual
parent working through it. So I think it's going to
be an asset to really applying what you're reading as
you work through the book. With The Five Love Languages
of Children.
S5 (02:08):
I love the thought of small groups, though, because you
get parents together and they start talking about, you know,
here's what we're struggling with. And, and parents realize, hey,
we're not alone in this. There are other people who
have the same kinds of situations.
S6 (02:23):
Yeah, absolutely. And that's always encouraging. And it stimulates conversations
after the session is over. You know, you hurt somebody
said something that really helped you and you go have
a conversation with them. So, you know, the Christian life
was meant to be lived in community. So I think
anytime we're doing something in smaller groups where we can
interface with each other and be honest and open, whatever
(02:45):
the topic, uh, it's going to create growth in our lives.
S5 (02:50):
Well, you can find out more about that featured resource
at Building Relationships. It's the five Love Languages of children.
Work book bundle. Just go to building relationships. Okay, Gary.
Our first caller today wanted to remain anonymous, so we
have transcribed her question. And here it is. Gary. Here's
my situation. When my husband and I dated, we both
(03:13):
rode bikes. Now he won't do anything active. He won't
even walk the dog. When I pray at the table,
he says, we don't need to pray every night for
our food. What can I do? I was the one
who always did the devotions with the children, and he
doesn't really talk about his faith at all. Recently, my
son renewed his spiritual life and we've been doing devotions together.
(03:35):
That's a huge blessing and an answered prayer. But I
would like some advice about my husband.
S6 (03:42):
Well, you know, Chris, I'm guessing that a number of
our listeners might identify with this. It's where one person
is walking with God and another is not walking with God.
because anyone who is walking with God will be willing
to share that walk with other people, and especially in
(04:03):
the family. Again, I'd say, first of all, you cannot
make your husband participate with you in daily devotional time.
You cannot make him want to give thanks for the
food when you sit down to eat. You can pray
that God will work in his heart. God may or
(04:24):
may not use you to do that, but that God
would work in his heart by bringing people into his
life who can speak into him or circumstances into his life.
Because sometimes it's circumstances that God uses to shake up
a person who is either not a Christian at all,
(04:45):
or is not really walking in close fellowship with God.
A conversation probably would not hurt for you just to
sit down with him and say, one night, honey, I
want to talk to you about this. I don't know
how you feel, and you just kind of share your heart, but,
you know, I enjoy talking with you. I enjoy having
(05:10):
prayer together. I would like to have devotions together. I
think you know that. And I don't know inside of
you what's going on? Is it that you don't like
God or you don't know God or what? What is
it that has you where you are in this situation?
And I'm not trying to make you do anything because
(05:31):
I can't do that. I'm just sharing with you my
heart and just trying to understand where you are and
what's going on inside of you. As I said, I
don't know that it would hurt to have such a conversation.
It may or may not help, but I don't think
it would hurt because he will walk away and he
may get angry. I don't know, Depending on his personality,
(05:53):
he may get angry with you for even bringing it
up and say, I don't want to talk about it
and da da da da. He can't keep you from
talking to God. And God said, you know, ask for wisdom,
I'll give it to you. So pray that God will
give you wisdom in terms of what you might do,
and that God would bring other people into his life
or situations that would really speak to him deeply. Because
(06:16):
often that's what has to happen. The Apostle Paul's life
was radically changed. He was not an apostle when he
had an encounter with God. And God can bring things
in situations into people's lives today that can wake them
up just as fast and just as meaningfully.
S5 (06:34):
The other part of our question is that he doesn't
exercise anymore. So this one is you mentioned that first,
and it's not as big an issue probably. But you know,
he used we used to ride bikes together. He doesn't
walk the dog now. Uh, and you've said through the
years you can influence your spouse, but you can't control
them and what they do, right?
S6 (06:56):
Yeah, absolutely. Chris. And you know what's behind that behavior?
I don't know. Does he have physical problems? You know,
how old is he? What is his physical condition? Do
any of those things play into the fact that he
doesn't even want to walk the dog or take a
walk himself? And if so, she's concerned about his physical well-being.
(07:20):
Because if we're not active up to the limit that
we can be active, then we're going to deteriorate. The
body will deteriorate. So I understand her concern there. She
might invite him to walk with her if she. If
she'll take a walk and say, honey, would you like
to walk with me? He'll probably say no. But if
you do it on a regular basis, he may decide
(07:41):
to join you. And I don't know if there are
men in his life that might connect with him and
invite him into some men's activities at a church if
you're involved in a church. Because there are lots of
things going on for men in most of our churches.
And some of them are even physical because some churches
have gymnasiums. And they invite men to come and do
(08:04):
workouts and so forth. So all we can do is
expose him to opportunities. But again, as you said, Chris,
we can't make our husbands or wives do anything, but
we can have a positive influence. And that influence is
not nagging them. It's not nagging them, but it is
trying to have meaningful conversations with them and ask what
(08:29):
you might do, or what someone else might do to
help them in a particular area that we'd like to
see improvement.
S5 (08:36):
Well, we love your questions about love languages, and if
you want to call that listener line and give us yours,
we'd love to hear from you today. 866424. Gary, here
is a love language question that is a little bit complicated.
S1 (08:51):
Hi Gary, I'm calling with some concerns. I started doing
your five love languages, and I'm getting really stumped because
my husband is an alcoholic and I'm struggling with trying
to answer the questions faithfully and truthfully. So I was
(09:12):
just wanting if you had some kind of ideas or
tips that might help me, that would be amazing. Thanks. Bye.
S6 (09:22):
Okay, what I understand the caller to say is that
she's taken the free quiz at Five Love Languages, but
she's having trouble even answering the questions, choosing between 2
or 3 things. Let me just throw this out. If
you're trying to discover your own love language or someone
else's love language, there are three informal ways in which
(09:42):
this can be done. One is ask yourself, how do I.
If you want to know your love language, how do
I typically express love to other people? Am I a
gift giver? Am I giving encouraging words, or am I
having long conversations with people? How do I most normally
express love to other people? That's a clue to what
(10:05):
your primary love language is. That is what you want
to receive. And you can ask the same thing about
the other person your husband. For example. How does he
typically express love to you or anybody else? It may
not be your primary language, but he's he's doing something, perhaps.
And then the second is what do you complain about
most often? Or what does he complain about most often?
(10:28):
Complaint reveals the love language. You know, if you're saying
to him, I just feel like we don't ever spend
time together anymore, you're revealing to yourself and to him
that your primary language is quality time. We don't ever
have any time together. Or if you say, you know what?
What really bothers me most is that he won't do
(10:50):
anything with me. He won't do any activities with me. Again,
you're asking for quality time, him doing something with you
that's meaningful. So. And what does he complain about? Most often,
if indeed he complains. And then thirdly, what do you
request of him? Most often, if you're asking him to
help you do something around the house or do something
(11:13):
for you around the house, then acts of service may
be your primary language. If he. What request does he
make of you? So whatever request he's making of you
is a clue to what his primary love language is.
So you answer those three questions for yourself. You can
pretty well figure out what your primary love language is.
(11:34):
And if you ask those same three questions of the
person that you are loving your spouse or someone else
that you have a close relationship with, you can pretty
well determine what their primary love language is.
S5 (11:47):
How does the issue of alcohol cloud things or complicate
it more?
S6 (11:53):
Well, alcohol always clouds all of life. It affects all
of life. I don't know in a particular situation like
this in terms of love language or determining a love language,
how it might affect that. It depends obviously, on, you know,
how often is he under the influence of alcohol and
(12:13):
how does it affect his behavior? Because, uh, let's face it,
a person who's addicted to alcohol is going to have
a lot of problems in relationships, as well as problems
at work and other other things. So it's detrimental to
any relationship. So that's why the Bible is so clear.
Don't get drunk. You know, it's just simple. That's simple
(12:36):
from the Bible. Don't get drunk. No one's life or
marriage was ever helped by somebody getting drunk. And when
people are addicted to it, it's a lifestyle. It's a
lifestyle that destroys. We need to do everything we can
for a person who is an alcoholic, to try to
find help and try to get them to the place
(12:57):
where they're willing to go for help so they can break, really,
the bondage of that addiction.
S5 (13:04):
Well, I mentioned our phone number 866424 Gary just a
minute ago. And if you have a concern about your
marriage or a parenting struggle, maybe you're in a dating
relationship and you have a question or comment, we'd love
to hear from you. 866424 Gary. But on a previous
broadcast I mentioned, I said something like, if you have
(13:25):
a positive story about your marriage, call us. And here
is our first bit of good news right now.
S7 (13:33):
Hey Gary, I wanted to make this comment on the program,
that program topic of what has made one's marriage go
a little better, a little smoother. Oh, I guess 4
or 5, six years ago, my wife and I implemented
a standing date night into our routine. And what that
(13:57):
looks like is one day a week, every Wednesday, we
shut everything down and we, uh, go on a date.
As I said, a standing date. And, uh, my wife
has grown to really look forward to that. I look
forward to that. And, uh, we don't let anything get
(14:21):
in the way of that. Prior to establishing that date night,
you know, things weren't as smooth as they could be. And, uh,
and there were times where we just didn't see eye
to eye and, uh, we let any little things, pop
up and cause us to have a little argument here
(14:44):
or argument there. So it reminds me of the love
language of spending time. Uh, that is definitely my wife's
love language. Spending time. And she really enjoys that. Cherish that.
Thank you.
S6 (15:02):
Well, Chris, as I heard that question, it sounds to
me like I heard waves. I don't know if he
was on the beach when he asked that question. Did
you hear that?
S5 (15:11):
I yeah, it was it sounded like, uh, road noise
to me, but it can, you know, it can be
just like holding a seashell up to your ear. You
can hear that as well.
S6 (15:22):
That's what I heard. I said he must be walking
on the beach. We saw. Well, at any rate, I'm
really glad that he called, because he's sharing a practical
idea that enriched his marriage. And for if quality time
is their language especially, that would be powerful. It would
be very interesting to know some of the things that
(15:43):
they do on their date night. Might give other people ideas.
For some people, a date night is simply going out
for dinner. Uh, well, that's that's fine. But maybe there's
other things that he, he and she have done that
would be helpful to know. But I do think setting
a time in which the two of you do something
(16:04):
together on a regular basis, whether you call it a
date night or it doesn't even have to be night,
it can be a date in the middle of the day,
depending on your schedule in which you do something together
that both of you want to do. A way of
spending time with each other. Because we can get so
busy in the context of daily life, we don't ever
(16:26):
have any quality time with each other in which we're
just giving our attention to each other. We may be
doing something else. We may be riding a bicycle. We
may be, you know, building a habitat for humanity house together,
but just doing something. I do think there's value in
having variety on, on the dates that you have. But yeah,
(16:48):
this is a great idea, and I really appreciate him
sharing that. Many people have discovered what he's discovered the
value of a regular time together.
S5 (16:57):
Two things stand out to me. One, he said he
used the phrase we shut everything down. It's like, yeah,
and and in that he's saying, you are my priority.
Us is the priority here. And everything else shuts down
because we're going to spend some time together. And so
that's the one thing that I picked up. The second
(17:21):
is it sounds like he gets as much out of
this time together, uh, if not more than she does,
even if quality time is not his love language.
S6 (17:33):
Yes. Quality time does not have to be your primary
love language for you to enjoy time together, doing things together.
You know, that's why the whole thing, when you're falling
in love, what do we do? We date. We call
it date. We get together and give each other our
undivided attention. Doing all kind of things together, growing together.
(17:54):
I don't know why we stopped that when we get married,
but it's something that will enhance a marriage for sure.
S5 (18:01):
Let's keep the positive vibes going. Listen to this next call.
Who has had a big change in his life?
S2 (18:09):
Hi, I am from Indiana and several years ago my
wife and I had a squabble over me being stupid
and she asked me to leave the house, which I did.
And in doing that, I realized the only friend I
had was Jesus Christ. But I had not been living
(18:32):
for Jesus Christ for several years. I got saved when
I was nine, and I hit high school, military and college,
and my life became worldly and that's all I had
was the world. So I started reading books, Gary Smalley,
Chapman and some others. But Chapman's book really got me
(18:52):
thinking about a lot of things. One Friday afternoon, my
wife wanted to talk to me, so my dad came
to work. We went back to my father's house and
we sat and talked and and my wife told me
that unless I changed, I wasn't going to ever come back.
And I said, well, how are you going to know
I changed if you if I'm not around? And she said, well,
(19:15):
that makes sense. She said, so you can come home.
And if I don't see a change in two weeks,
you're out again. So I went home and I did
everything I could to listen and pray about what I
needed to do to be the right husband. Reading books
One Sunday we were going to go to church and, uh, well,
(19:38):
we got a phone call and I answered the phone,
which was a mistake. It was her father, and he
wanted to know why I was there. And I told
him that I live here. And he got angry. So
I gave the phone to my wife, and my wife said,
you know, she did something that changed my life completely.
She said, I need a father and a husband more
than I need a mother and dad. And that just
(20:02):
turned my life around. My wife threw her parents under
the bus for me, and I just realized that how
could I not live for her if she's living for me?
And so I changed. And this week we celebrate 59 years.
God has been number one in our lives. We found
a good church, which we've been in for over 40
something years, and it's just wonderful that your book led
(20:24):
me back to my wife and the Lord. Thank you, Gary,
for writing the book. Thank you for what you do.
God bless you in the future. and talk to you later. Bye.
S6 (20:34):
Well, that is certainly an encouraging call. Chris, when you
hear what God did in a person's life and that
one of my books had a positive impact in that process,
he may be talking about the five love languages. I
don't think he called it in particular, but obviously that's
the best known book that I have written. He also
mentioned Gary Smalley, who was a friend of mine, and
(20:55):
I always enjoyed being with Gary and the books he
he wrote on marriage. He's in heaven now. Many of
you know that. But the caller demonstrates when you make
a choice to change, you have all the help of God.
We can go on our own way, do our own thing,
leave God out of our lives if that's what we
(21:16):
choose to do. But we will never have the kind
of life we really would like to have without God.
Because deep in the human heart, there is a longing
to have a relationship with God. So great to see
God does change lives and the fact they've been together
now 59 years is a testimony. The reality that not
(21:39):
only does God change us in the moment, but God
guides us and we continue to grow because the Christian
life with God is always a growth experience.
S5 (21:50):
I love that 59 years and the question I have is,
did her mom and dad ever come around? Do they
ever see that he really has changed and embraced him?
We we can't know that. The other thing I loved
about what he said was he said the question of
by saying it was me being stupid, which I think
(22:12):
I think a lot of men can understand that. But
but the but there's another aspect to this. It's like
it sounds to me like, uh, the first motivation for
him was my wife said, if you don't change, then
you're not coming back here. And that was a wake
up call for him. But it also sounds like something
else happened in his heart. There was something more than
(22:35):
I just have to toe the line and do what
she wants me to do. At some point there was
an interchange and almost a transformation that that happened. Do
you agree with that?
S6 (22:47):
Yeah, that's that's my guess too, that as he read
my book and other books, God worked in his heart
and he turned to God because he said, you know,
he'd walked his own way, just kind of rule God
out of his life. But I think he let God
back in his life and the books, you know, helped
him with that and gave him practical ways to cooperate
(23:07):
with God in loving your spouse and an attitude of
serving each other. When we get the concept that Jesus
is our model and he said about himself, the Son
of Man did not come to be served, but to serve,
and then give his life a ransom for others. And
(23:28):
when a husband and wife has that attitude of service,
they're both going to become winners. You know, he's reaching
out to her. She's reaching out to him. That's what
marriage is all about. Two are better than one. When
we work together with that attitude.
S5 (23:43):
Maybe there's somebody listening today and they hear themselves in
that call. A husband or wife, you know, maybe being stupid.
And it's like, I want that 59 years together, I
want that. You're saying that there's hope for that couple, right?
S6 (23:59):
Absolutely, Chris. And it has to start with one of them.
It normally doesn't start the same time with both of them,
but someone has to decide. You know, I'm going to
ask God to give me wisdom on how to reach
out to my spouse in love. And ultimately, if they're
(24:19):
not responding. Yeah. Then there is the time to say, uh,
I don't know how you feel, but you appear to
have no interest in our marriage. And so there is
a time for tough love. But that tough love should
always come after there's been a stage of tender love.
Loving them even though they don't deserve it.
S4 (24:42):
This is the building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast.
We'd love to hear your question or feedback at our
listener line 1866424. Gary is our number. Call and leave
a message and you might hear an answer on an
upcoming Dear Gary broadcast. Again 1-866-424-4279. If you go to
(25:05):
five love Languages comm, you'll see our featured resource, the
five Love Languages of Children Workbook bundle. Again, go to
five Love languages. Comm.
S5 (25:17):
Gary. Here is a basic, fundamental bedrock question from a
listener that I think is going to help somebody else
who's listening. Here we go.
S8 (25:27):
Hi, Gary. I was calling to find out how I
go about locating therapists or counselor in my area that
deals with my personal needs. That would be great. Thank you.
S6 (25:45):
Well, you know, that's a common question that people ask
if they are not aware of, you know, counselors in
their area. There are several approaches. One would be to
call some of the churches in your area and ask them,
you know, do they know of Christian counselors in your area?
(26:05):
Because many times the pastor and staff members of churches
know who the Christian counselors are, and they would be
glad to refer you to one of them. Locally, that's
probably the best thing you could do is call a
church and ask that question. You can also call focus
on the family in Colorado Springs. You can locate them online.
(26:28):
Just Google focus on the family. They have counselors, some
20 counselors who are available in the daylight hours basically
to talk with you. And they will not do long
term counseling, but they will recommend to you counselors in
your area because they have a list of counselors all
(26:50):
over the country, Christian counselors. And you share your basic problem,
the one you're struggling with, and they will give you
a list of some folks in your area that you
can call. There is another organization called American Association of
Christian Counselors. I think the website is AA dot. I
(27:10):
could be wrong about that. Don't quote me on that one.
But American Association of Christian Counselors, you can Google it.
They also have a list of counselors all over the country.
So you give them your zip code, and they will
give you a list of counselors that you can contact
in your area, and then call them and see if
they work with folks who are having the problem that
(27:32):
you're having.
S5 (27:33):
Yes. He had a guest not long ago who said
that she and her husband were going through a financial struggle,
and they met with the same counselor one on Monday
and the other on Wednesday, and then they got together
on Friday. So it was three times a week. And
she said they used a sliding scale of, you know,
whatever their income was. So they were helping them out
(27:56):
in order to, to help with this marriage struggle, that
they were a deep marriage struggle that they were going through.
And so there are those counselors. There's also in churches,
counseling that is offered free. A lot of times those
are the the bigger churches can can offer that, whereas
the smaller church can't. So I think what you're saying
(28:16):
is there's a lot of different avenues. Don't give up, right?
S6 (28:21):
Absolutely. Absolutely, Chris. And what you just mentioned is important
that many, many of the larger Christian churches do have
pastors or people on their staff or even sometimes volunteers
who are counselors or who are coaches, sometimes called coaches,
that that can be very helpful to people who are
(28:42):
looking for help.
S5 (28:43):
Well, if you have a question for Doctor Chapman like
that 1866424 Gary, we'd love to hear from you if
you have positive response, if you've had, uh, you've been
reading Gary's book and there's something that has happened in
your relationship, let us know about it. (866)Â 424-4279. Here's a
response to a previous broadcast and the topic we dealt
(29:06):
with hit home with her.
S9 (29:09):
Hello. Um, I just want to say I heard your
program on addiction. Sexual addiction. I worked in the hospital
for 25 years, and this is a big problem in
our culture. And the thing is, we are ignoring it
because they get hooked on it through the culture, accepting it.
(29:31):
They get hooked on it through the internet. They get
hooked on it through the movies. It's saturated in our culture.
The church has been silent because it's embarrassing to have
to deal with it. And I've been thinking about it
for a long time, because I've been out here in
the single world for years, never remarried because of the
(29:53):
problems with sexual freedom. I just thought it wasn't right
that people are accepting it so freely and living together
is nothing. They don't make the real commitment. Sometimes they do,
sometimes they don't. And it's in our culture. It's saturated
in our culture that it is accepted. It, and then
(30:17):
it just escalates to an addiction. And lots of people
can get on the internet and find anything they want
dating everything. And so there's a town near me that
has 300,000 retirees, and they have many, many problems there
with sexual diseases running through the place. And not only that,
(30:43):
I just thought, well, what do we do? What do
we do as Christians, as a culture that we're in?
And I do believe that AA is a great program,
and I wish they had Christ in the program more
so the higher power. But maybe we need on AA
(31:04):
for addictions. I'm sure there is one. I don't even
know about it. Just as a Christian and a believer. Yes,
it is a very embarrassing problem. And thank God that
this woman called in and told you in the world
personally put herself out there to let you know how
bad it is. And I just want to thank you.
(31:28):
I'm not criticizing believers or the church. I'm just saying
it's an issue, a big one. Okay. Thank you so much.
I hope that you keep the program going. I like
the fact that you honestly want to know what people
are thinking. I think it's really good to know what's
going on out here. And I wouldn't have known it
(31:51):
unless I had been thrown into a single world years ago.
Thank you. Have a wonderful day.
S6 (31:59):
Well, Chris, this caller is putting her finger upon a
reality in our culture. And she's right. We often don't
discuss this, but the reality is that Christian guidelines for
sexuality T are largely ignored by millions of people in
this country. I mean, the Bible is very clear. Husbands
(32:23):
and wives, men and women are committed to each other
in the context of marriage. This is where sexual intercourse
is very, very meaningful. Outside of that framework, it is
not what God had in mind. What has happened is
many people, she's right, are addicted. This is their God.
(32:45):
This is where they find those pleasures along the way
that give them meaning to life. It's the only meaning
they have because they have no relationship with God. So yeah,
it certainly needs to be addressed more than it is addressed.
And she's right. While there are AA Alcoholics Anonymous, which
(33:05):
she talked about, those addicted to alcohol, and there are other, uh,
organizations that deal with addiction to alcohol and drugs. You
don't see, and it's not well known in the country
that there's any organization like that for sexual addiction. So
it's a tremendous need. And any counselors out there who
(33:27):
might be listening to us, this is an area that
you might want to seek to discuss this with other leaders,
pastors and leaders in the church as to what can
be done or what maybe is available that we're not
even aware of. That would be helpful. It's an issue
that has to be dealt with. Otherwise, we continue down
this pathway of lives literally being destroyed because they've written
(33:52):
God out of the equation of their lives and are
doing simply what brings them momentary pleasure.
S5 (33:57):
You know, it was interesting to me that she brought
up this place that's near her with a lot of
people there who are older, who are caught in this
same thing. So this is not just the younger generation
and they're not this is everybody, isn't it?
S6 (34:12):
It is, Chris, because we have largely ignored the traditional
biblical teaching on sexuality, and we have allowed any kind
of sexual relationship as being legitimate. And when we do that,
we just open the door for people to be addicted
to it. Because let's face it, the Bible says there
(34:33):
is pleasure in sin for a season. So we're not
denying that there's pleasure in this. But what we are
saying is it does not lead to ultimate satisfaction because
it is a rebellion against God's principles and God's guideline
and everything God laid down for us. He laid it
down out of his love. He knows us. He made us,
(34:56):
and he knows sexuality and everything else about us. And
he gave us guidelines to follow. And when it has
its proper place, it's beautiful. But when we make it
a god, it is a false god.
S5 (35:11):
Gary. Here is a marital love language question that you
may have heard before. See if you can give some
help here.
S10 (35:19):
Hi, Gary. I have a few questions about me and
my husband's relationship. First of all, I just wanted to
say thank you for the work that you have done.
It's been such a blessing. I've read the five love
languages and have been really trying to apply it to
my marriage, but I'm having trouble figuring out what my
husband's love language is. He takes the test and he
(35:43):
seems to get a different result each time he takes
the quiz. And I'm not sure how to really show
him love when I don't know what his love language is,
or in the way that he connects to the most.
So if there's any advice or direction you could offer,
I'd be really grateful. Thank you.
S6 (36:05):
Well, Chris, earlier in a question, I gave those three
informal ways to discover a person's love language. Namely, how
does he most typically express love to you or to
other people? And then what does he complain about most often?
And what does he request most often? Uh, if you
(36:26):
utilize those three things, you can probably figure out his
love language. But I'll give you another practical idea. What
if you say to him every 2 or 3 weeks, uh,
on a scale of 0 to 10, how full is
your love tank? Or how much love do you feel
coming from me? And whatever figure he gives you? Less
(36:49):
than ten, you say? Well, this week, what is the
most powerful thing I could do to show you that
I love you? And chances are, he will tell you
specifically what on that particular week would be most meaningful
to him. And these answers may not always fall into
one of the languages, because there are people who who
(37:13):
really all five of them speak deeply to them. And
normally these fall into two categories. It's either a person
who received all five growing up and they've always felt loved.
And so if their spouse is giving them all five
a mixture of all five, they're going to feel loved.
The other is people who never felt loved growing up,
(37:35):
and they're not really sure what makes them feel love
because they're not even sure what it feels like to
feel loved. The question I gave you on a scale
of 0 to 10, how full is your love tank
is a good way of identifying at that moment in
that particular week, what would be most important to them?
S5 (37:56):
I've heard you say two, and maybe this is more
with children than a spouse, but one week go with
physical touch, the next week you go with quality time
and you observe how they respond to this week after
week after week.
S6 (38:12):
Yeah, yeah, that is another approach because you overdo it
on each one of them. And that week you're really
focusing on that one. And you will notice a difference
in them in the week when you're really hitting their
primary love language. Yeah. Thanks for reminding me of that, Chris.
S5 (38:28):
1866424 Gary is our number. We'd love to hear your
question or your comment about a relationship that has revived.
1-866-424-4279 Gary A few minutes ago we heard about sexual
addiction and what it's doing in the culture. Here's a
real life struggle from a listener.
S11 (38:50):
Hi Gary. First, thank you so much for your work
over the years. My question is, if your husband is
addicted to pornography, will the love languages still be effective?
Thank you.
S6 (39:05):
I think it depends on what the caller means by effective.
If a person is addicted to porn, will knowing their
primary love language and speaking on a regular basis cause
them to turn away from the addiction of porn? I
don't know that that would be true. Just like if
(39:27):
they're addicted to alcohol, I don't know that speaking their
primary love language on a regular basis will cause them
to lay aside or turn away from alcohol, because this
is both of those are addictions, and there has to
be a process of helping that person understand, first of all,
(39:48):
why they need to break the addiction. Because if they're
not motivated themselves to do it, it will not happen.
I do think, however, persons addicted to porn, as the
caller indicated, if you speak their primary love language on
a regular basis over an extended period of time, and
you are aware of what they're doing and they're aware
(40:10):
that this hurts you very deeply. There is a place,
I would say, six months down the road, you speak
their love language for six months at least once a week,
very consistently, and then one day say to them, I
don't know how you feel about our relationship, but I
feel like in the last six months I have loved
you in what I believe is a way that's very
(40:33):
meaningful to you. And I do love you, but you
know how painful it is for me to know that
you are addicted to porn. And I ask you in
the past to make changes, to reach out and get help,
but you have not. So I want to say to you,
I love you too much to sit here and do
(40:54):
nothing about this issue. So and here's the tough love.
Then you tell them what you're going to do. I'm
going to move in with my mom for a month.
I'm not abandoning you. I'm not leaving you. I'm not
divorcing you. But I want to challenge you to deal
with this problem because it's not good for you. It's
(41:15):
not good for me. And it doesn't bring glory to God.
But the tough love approach will stimulate that spouse often
to reach out and get the help they need to
break that addiction. But it has to follow after. There's
been a time of tender love over a period of time.
Because if you simply have complained about it numerous times
(41:37):
and then you take the tough love approach, they will
say to themselves, well, I'm glad you're out of here,
and I hope you don't come back because they're tired
of all your criticism. So tender love over an extended
period of time, followed by tough love, is often the
road for them to get the help they need.
S5 (41:57):
You know as well as I do, though, Gary, that
in the culture, pornography is just it's there, it's ubiquitous.
It's everywhere. And it's it's a joke, you know, on comedies,
on TV. It has been a joke for years and
years and years. It's not anything bad. Why are you
why are you so, you know, stuck in the in
(42:17):
the Puritan realm, you know, all of those things. So
unless the person who is addicted sees that it's a problem, it's,
you know, you're swimming upstream, aren't you?
S6 (42:29):
Absolutely, Chris. Absolutely. That's why I say if they are
not open to seek help, then we can't make them change.
It's just like an alcoholic, you know, they often say
I'm not an alcoholic. I mean, I'm I'm in control
of what I'm doing. You know, that's we all we
tend to be defensive of whatever we're doing that the
(42:52):
other person is complaining about. And the other thing would be,
I don't know what her husband's relationship with God is
whether he has a relationship or doesn't have a relationship.
But obviously, his relationship with God will have a lot
to do with whether he's sensitive to this area or
whether he's not.
S5 (43:13):
Would you just take a moment for the the spouse
or the maybe it's a parent who sees this going
on with their kids, uh, an addiction to pornography. Would
you pray for that spouse or that parent who's trying
to love well and is having a hard time?
S6 (43:30):
Sure. Father, you know what we're talking about. And you
know the caller and you know those who are listening today,
who have family members who are caught in this destructive
expression of sexuality. I pray, first of all, that you'd
give them wisdom to know what they might do that
(43:52):
would be helpful to that spouse or that child. And
I pray, father, that your spirit would continue to confront
those individuals who may be listening, who are themselves the
ones who are addicted to pornography. Father, I know you
love them. And I know you want to deliver them
from this. And I know you want them to follow
(44:14):
your guidelines for sexuality. Because you made us and you
made made us sexual. And your purposes and your guidelines
are for our benefit. So I pray that you'd open
the eyes of those who may be listening today, who
are in bondage to this. And give them not only
a desire, but then give them the power to break
(44:35):
the bondage and come back in the real world for
their good and for your glory. In the name of Christ. Amen.
S5 (44:44):
Amen. Well, that is our conversation for today. Thank you
for listening. And if you want to add your voice
to maybe respond to a caller today, ask a question,
make a comment. Give us a story. 1866424. Gary is
our number (866)Â 424-4279. And if you go to building relationships,
(45:08):
you'll see the featured resource of the Five Love Languages
of Children Workbook bundle. Just go to Building Relationships.
S6 (45:17):
And next week. How do you deal with the mood
swings and eye rolls of pre-teenagers?
S4 (45:25):
Tricia Goyer and Leslie Nunnery give some great parenting advice
in one week. A big thank you to our production team,
Steve Wick and Janice backing. Building relationships with Doctor Gary
Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in association with
Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Special Summer Offer: Exclusively on Apple Podcasts, try our Dateline Premium subscription completely free for one month! With Dateline Premium, you get every episode ad-free plus exclusive bonus content.
The Breakfast Club
The World's Most Dangerous Morning Show, The Breakfast Club, With DJ Envy, Jess Hilarious, And Charlamagne Tha God!
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.