September 27, 2025 • 46 mins
Dr. Gary Chapman is known for the 5 Love Languages. He loves connecting couples and singles with the love of God. And he’s not afraid to tackle the real life struggles you’re facing. On this Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, hear questions about marriage difficulties, family conflict and a lot more. You might hear an answer to something you’re going through—don’t miss September’s Dear Gary—on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.
Featured resource: The 5 Apology Languages
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S1 (00:00):
Get ready for some challenging questions about marriage, parenting, and
the love languages coming up today on building relationships with
Doctor Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller
The Five Love Languages.
S2 (00:13):
What would you say to the mom who has already
lashed out physically?
S3 (00:18):
We have a similar or not the same primary love language.
S2 (00:22):
How do I stay in hopes that my marriage can work?
We've been married to each other five times.
S1 (00:31):
This is our September edition of Dear Gary, and we'd
love to hear your question for a future broadcast. You
can call us at 1866424. Gary 1866424 Gary.
S4 (00:45):
The great thing about a conversation where we hear from
you is that your struggle might be the exact one
somebody else is dealing with, so call with your question.
1866424 Gary. And if you go to building relationships, you'll
see our featured resource, a book by Doctor Chapman that
he wrote with Doctor Jennifer Thomas. The five Apology Languages
(01:07):
the secret to healthy relationships. You can find out more
at Building Relationships. And Gary, as we take these questions
here today, I wonder how many of the relational struggles
we have could be solved, or maybe not solved, but
at least lessened by learning how to apologize effectively?
S5 (01:27):
Well, Chris, I think it's an absolute necessity if we're
going to have long term healthy relationships to learn how
to apologize because none of us are perfect. We all will,
from time to time, intentionally or unintentionally. We hurt other
people in our relationships. And unless we're willing to accept
responsibility for that and apologize to them, and they choose
(01:50):
to forgive us, that relationship is going to be fractured
and eventually we'll just drift apart from each other. A
lot of relationships have ended or got on a track
for ending when people did wrong and didn't apologize. So yeah,
that book, we're having a great response to the five
apology languages because we have different ideas on how to apologize.
(02:14):
You know, whatever our parents told us is likely what
we're doing. If they said, go tell your sister I'm sorry.
Then as adults, we say, I'm sorry, and we don't
realize there are other ways to apologize. And that other
person is looking for sincerity, and it doesn't always come
from your words. I'm sorry. So yeah, I'm hoping God's
(02:35):
going to continue to use that book to help people apologize,
because all of us need to learn how to do it.
S4 (02:41):
And if you have ever had anybody say to you, well,
I'm sorry if I did something wrong and it hurts you,
it's like, wait, that's not an apology. This is the
book that will help you understand why you feel that way.
And then what's the the the answer to it? The
five apology languages. The secret to healthy relationships. It's our
(03:02):
featured resource today at Building Relationships. All right. We have
a written question for you as we begin here today.
And this comes from a a real deep place of
hurt from a mom who writes this. Our daughter's 22
and she grew up in a Christian home. She still
professes faith in Christ and occasionally attends church, but she
(03:25):
recently got engaged after only two months of dating. Her
fiance says he believes in God, but it doesn't appear
that he has a personal relationship with him. Neither of
them asked for our blessing to get engaged, but they
now want us to support their wedding both emotionally and financially.
We've expressed our concerns and encouraged our daughter to slow
(03:47):
down and carefully consider the long term consequences of being
unequally yoked, but she remains committed to moving forward. We're
torn in that some of our family members are urging
us to just get on board and celebrate with them,
while others feel that supporting the wedding would be endorsing
something outside of God's will. The the end of this,
(04:10):
she says, we're seeking the Lord in prayer and doing
our best to stay connected with our daughter. Though this
situation feels like the proverbial elephant in the room, as
Christian parents, how do we navigate this tension? Should we
support the wedding financially as though it were one we
could fully celebrate? Or is there a more faithful way
to balance biblical conviction with love for our daughter?
S5 (04:35):
I think, Chris, there are a lot of people out
there who can identify with these parents, adult children making
decisions that we don't feel comfortable with. And in this case,
I'm not sure that the other person is a Christian.
So I can identify with this, and I think a
lot of other folks can identify with this. The thing
(04:58):
I would try to emphasize is, first of all, remember
we cannot control our adult children's lives. God doesn't control
our lives. He gives us freedom. You know, if you
want to as a as a child of God, if
you want to do wrong, he'll let you do wrong.
You suffer the consequences. But he gives us freedom, and
(05:18):
we have to give our adult children freedom, uh, and
not try to force them to do what we think
they should be doing. I do think the second thing,
we want to keep the lines of communication open. If
you make the card decision, we are not going to
support you financially in this wedding and we are not
(05:40):
going to give affirmation or celebrate with you and you
just that's just the hard stance you take. You have
cut them off from having any further influence from you. Well, okay.
Now you don't have any influence because they're not going
to have any contact with you now. And it's awfully
(06:00):
hard to get over that five years down the road
or three years down the road after they're married. I
think we we have to share openly our thoughts and
our concerns, which I think the person who shared this
has already done that, and we should share those things.
But then we must let them know, I love you.
(06:21):
And if this is what you choose to do, then
I we're going to be with you. We're going to celebrate. And,
you know, then you have to decide, you know, how
you're going to do that. But I would also, in
the process, try to build a positive relationship with the
person she's engaged to. If they're not a Christian, you
want to love them. You want to communicate to them
(06:44):
the positive things you see in their life, and you
want to tell them how important you know, our relationship
with Christ is and how important it's been for you
And we believe it's true for your daughter. And so,
you know, having a loving conversation with them, this could
be a chance of leading them to Christ, if not
before the wedding, somewhere after the wedding, if they see
(07:06):
you as loving parents, Christian parents who love their daughter,
who want to walk with their daughter through life, uh,
you have a chance of leading them to Christ. But
if you come down really hard and reject them, as
it were, as a person, they will feel rejected by you,
then you have no further opportunity to reach them for Christ.
(07:30):
So those are my thoughts. I can't tell you, you know,
you've got to do this or this is the only
right thing to do. I just lean toward being open
and honest, sharing our honest thoughts and feelings with our
with the daughter and but letting her know, honey, it's
your life, it's your decision. And obviously you will. You'll
(07:52):
have to live with the consequences. But we we want
to love you. We want to love him. We want
to get to know him and let him know that
we love him. And we'll do anything in the world
we can to help him. You take that approach. You
could be God's instrument in bringing that person to Christ.
S4 (08:09):
So what I'm hearing you say is there's a sense
of release that you allow the the adult child to make,
even though, you know, it's only been two months or
three months or and she's 22 and you can see all,
you know, cataclysm ahead. You allow her to make the
decision and you release her to do that. Um, in
(08:32):
the same way that you've talked about forgiveness being kind
of a release. Does that make sense?
S5 (08:38):
Yeah, I think so. We let them be human. They're
not teenagers now. They're adults. And we have to give
them the freedom to make their decisions. Uh, you know,
the prodigal son. The father of the prodigal son did
not go after him and try to make him stop
the lifestyle he was living. He kept the farm going
(09:00):
so that when God brought his son to the to
the hog pen, and he decided to go home and
see if he could just get a job on the farm,
his father's arms were open for him to return. So
even though our children make decisions that we think they
should not make, we have to give them the freedom
to do that and to love them in the midst
of all of it.
S4 (09:21):
He also gave him his inheritance, which I would tell that, father,
don't do that. Don't do that. But this is that's
all a part of the story that Jesus told. Um,
there's another book that you've written that I think might
be helpful, Your New Life with Adult Children A Practical
Guide to what helps, what hurts, and What heals. That's
also something that you and Doctor Ross Campbell worked on.
(09:45):
That might be helpful, don't you think?
S5 (09:48):
Yeah. That book would be helpful to any parent who
has adult children, because sometimes our adult children bring us
great joy. Sometimes their decisions bring us great pain. But
how we respond to them in the midst of all
that's going to make a huge difference. So yeah, I
suggest any parent who has adult children, you're going to
find that book very, very helpful. It's your new life
(10:09):
with adult children.
S4 (10:11):
Maybe you have a question about the upcoming holiday season
and a strained relationship you have. Call 1866424 Gary (866) 424-4279.
And you can go to Building Relationships to find out
more about our featured resource, the five Apology Languages. The
secret to healthy relationships. Go to building relationships. Okay. We
(10:36):
started with a written question, Gary, for you from a
mom about her daughter. Here's another parent with basically the
same question. But there's a little difference, a little nuance
to this one. I want to see if you answer
the same way. Uh, Gary, my son is gay and
has been for years. He's been witness to many times.
He's now getting married because I've told him I cannot
(10:59):
come to his wedding or reception. My relationship with him
is in jeopardy. How do I reconcile with him, even
though we do not agree on this issue? Is there
a different approach that you have than to the first
question that I posed to you?
S5 (11:17):
You know, Chris, I would not be dogmatic to say
you should never go to a wedding or to say no,
you should go. It's not my it's not my choice
to say that every family must wrestle with this. Uh,
it's not an easy, not an easy question. But it's
not just the matter of do I go to the
(11:38):
wedding or not go to the wedding. The other issue is,
do I want to have a relationship with my son
in the future, or do I want to simply mark
him off. And let me just say this, I have
seen a number of times when a parent just totally
refuses to go to the wedding and also communicates. I
(11:59):
don't want to ever see your partner over here at
our house. That stance essentially many times leads to years
where there is no contact with that adult child. I
think you have to decide, is that what I want?
Is that the best thing? Or should I clearly state
my case that I am not supportive of this? I
(12:22):
do not believe this is right. But they say he's
been living a lifestyle for years, a gay lifestyle for years.
So they've already been dealing with this problem. But apparently
so far they've at least kept a relationship with him.
So do you want to stop that relationship altogether? Uh,
or do you want to let them know precisely how
(12:44):
you feel about it? No question about it. It's just
not what I want. I cannot support this. I'm not
in favor of this. But if this is your choice,
I want you to know I still love you. I
will always love you. No matter what you do. I
will love you. But I hope you understand if you're
going to make the decision not to go. But I
hope you understand. I just can't emotionally bring myself to
(13:08):
be there for the wedding. But I do love you,
you know, that would be if you're going to make
that decision, that would be the way to make it.
Or if you're deciding that you are going to go,
you can say, I'm going to go because I do
love you. I want to be there. I'm not really
celebrating this, but I'll be there with you because I
love you. You know, that's that's the kind of approach
(13:29):
you make. So what we want to do is recognize
that we want to love our children even when they
make poor decisions, because God loves us as his children
when we make poor decisions. Uh, you know, if God
clobbered us or if God broke off his relationship with
us whenever we sinned. There'd be a whole lot of
(13:51):
people who are Christians who lost their relationship with God. Yeah. No.
God allows us to suffer the consequences of our wrong decisions.
He doesn't affirm them, but he lets us make that decision.
He gives us that freedom. And then he lets us
suffer the consequences. And he will bring discipline to his children. Uh,
(14:12):
you know, down the road. So, uh, that's that's the
way God handles it. And I think we have to
let them make their decisions and let them suffer the
consequences that God brings on their lives. We're not to
take revenge. The Romans chapter 12 makes that very clear.
We're not to take revenge. That's God's, uh, God takes
revenge and God will bring, you know, punishment on them.
(14:34):
Let them suffer the consequences. But we want to walk
with them, and we want to be there in the
midst of the pain that they may feel along the
way and let them know we love them. We've always
loved them, even though we haven't always agreed with them.
S4 (14:48):
I see the tension that you're talking about there because
it's internal tension. I don't feel like I can, but
I want to do this. And then there's the external tension.
There could be people in, you know, friends or family
members or church members who would say, you can't do
that or you need to do that. You know, there's
just a lot of pressure in this whole situation. And
I guess the what you're saying is not answering the question.
(15:11):
I want you to I want you to put it
in stone. You've got to do this. You got to
do that, and you're not doing that. And I respect that.
But the the main question that hovers over all this is,
what does it look like to love this person right here,
right now. And we have to be willing to to
answer that question and allow God to work in us
(15:34):
to what that looks like. Right?
S5 (15:36):
Yeah. That's right. You know, because the scriptures are clear about,
you know, we have enemies. We have, you know, do
good to those that hate you and, you know, return
good for evil. You know, if they're hungry, feed them.
If they're thirsty, give them something to drink. These are
our enemies. Uh, so if we were to do that
for our enemies, we certainly should do that. Have that attitude.
(15:59):
Same attitude for our children. Our adult children.
S4 (16:02):
Those are the first two questions. We had a pastor
call and leave a message. And I'm going to read
in order to keep his voice and his location hidden.
I'm just going to read this. Gary, I'm a pastor
with a family in our church that has experienced infidelity.
This is not coming from the married couple though, but
their daughter. She has seen some behavior in her parents
(16:25):
that she wants to address with them. Do you have
any wisdom or guidance on this, or do you know
of any good resources to point her to that might
be helpful for a daughter who loves her mom and dad?
S5 (16:39):
Hmm. This is kind of the opposite, isn't it? Of
parents who are dealing with their adult children who are sinning? Uh,
here is a daughter who's dealing with her mom and dad, uh,
who are sinning. Apparently she believes at least that they are.
One of them, at least is involved in infidelity. I
think as a loving daughter, uh, it certainly would be
(17:02):
right and positive for you to have a conversation with them,
do it in a loving and kind way. That is,
approach them with the spirit of mom or dad, which
if you think both of them are guilty, you know
you can talk with them together. If you think one
of them is the one that's being unfaithful in the marriage,
(17:23):
you can talk with them and just say, I want to.
I want to have a conversation with you. And to
be honest with you, this is a hard conversation for me.
I have prayed about it a lot because I want
to do the right thing, but I really believe that
you're having an affair. or if it's already open, you
(17:43):
can say, uh, you know, you have been unfaithful to
mom or you've been unfaithful to dad. And as your daughter, uh,
I'm deeply hurt by this. I want to find out
where you're coming from. I want you to share your
heart with me. And I just want us to have
(18:05):
a conversation about it. Are you open to that? And
chances are, if you take that approach, they will be
open and they will share their thoughts with you. And
then you can move into the, you know, after they've
shared their thoughts and why they did this. And they
have a reason, you know, obviously, uh, they wouldn't have
done it. But then you say, you know, you've taught
(18:27):
me from the Bible all your life, and the Bible
is very much anti what you're doing. And you know
that all I can do as your daughter is to
request that you break off that relationship and come back
with mom and apologize to her. And that you you
all work on your marriage. That's what I would love
(18:49):
to see you do. I know that I cannot control
your behavior. You are an adult, and if you choose
to do this, then that's your choice. I will always
love you as a father, but I will. I live
with great hurt over what you've done. And if you
continue on what you continue doing, it's that kind of
(19:10):
open conversation. I think that can be received by the parent,
whichever parent it is, and, and, and they're going to
walk away with a deep sense of how they have
hurt their child and, and your request as to what
they that they would make a right decision now and
turn back to God. So to me, that would be
(19:34):
the way you do it. But yes, I think you
you should as a pastor, encourage that daughter. I don't
know what age she is, but to have that kind
of conversation with the parent that's guilty or if both
of them are guilty. I don't know what the situation
is with talking with both of them. So as a pastor,
you know, we handle these things all the time. And
(19:56):
and yeah, these are hard situations for us. But, you know,
the Bible says if you recognize someone as sin, uh,
you go to them and if they don't respond, you
take somebody with you. This is in Matthew. Jesus said this.
You take somebody with you. Then if they don't respond
or repent, you tell the church, and the church will
(20:16):
send somebody. If they're in the church, the church will
send somebody. So you make every effort. And after you've
made those three efforts, he says, if they don't repent,
you treat them as a pagan. What do you do
for pagans? You pray for them. Yeah. You reach out
to them. You do anything you can to minister to
them and meet needs and that sort of thing. Showing
(20:37):
the love of God to them as sinners. So the
Bible is pretty clear on the idea of confronting someone
when you know that they're doing wrong. But it needs
to be done in a loving way.
S4 (20:50):
What if the response is anger? How dare you accuse me?
How dare this is your soul! You're stirring things up.
You know, who are you to to point a finger
at me? From. From whoever it is. Mom or dad?
What do you. What do you. How do you handle that?
S5 (21:05):
I think you you let them explode. There's no need
to try to stop them. They're they're they're exploding verbally.
You let them explode verbally, and then you say, I'm
really sorry that you feel that way. It really hurts
me that you would feel that way toward me. Because
I love you very much. And I'm just trying to
(21:26):
speak love into your life. And you drop it at
that point and let them walk away thinking about how nicely,
lovingly you responded to their awful response to you. God
can use that kind of approach and that kind of
response to touch their hearts even when they walk away.
S4 (21:47):
This is building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, and if
you have a question or a comment for anything that
we've talked about here today, I'd love to hear from you.
At 866424. Gary. You can ask a question like our
listeners are doing here or make a comment. (866) 424-4279. Here's
a caller who's been through a difficult marriage and needs
(22:10):
a little encouragement from you, Gary.
S6 (22:13):
Good afternoon doctor. My question is, how do you help
your husband, a man of faith, as a wife of faith,
maneuver through his mental health along with having a newborn baby.
Thank you for acknowledging my question.
S5 (22:36):
Well, first of all, this is a very difficult situation
and obviously a lot of pressure on this wife having
a new baby and have a husband with mental problems.
I don't know what the history is, how long he's
had mental problems, what has been done to try to
deal with those already? Don't know where he is in
(22:58):
that journey. Obviously he needs help. If he is not
seeing a counselor, then I would say do everything you
can to find a counselor who can deal with his
particular situation and encourage him in every way to go
to see a counselor, to get help with his, with
(23:19):
his situation. But I sense the pressure, and I know
it's hard. Having a new baby alone is hard, but
having a new baby with a husband has mental problems
is even harder. So I would say any outside source.
You can get to help in the in the situation.
Don't hesitate to reach out and try to bring someone
(23:42):
else into this situation. That can be helpful. That might
start by just talking to a pastor that you trust
and asking whom would you recommend? Uh, that might be
able to give some help in this situation, because pastors
often know who Christian counselors are, and at least it's
a starting place. Uh, I wouldn't simply just sit there
(24:05):
and let things just rock on and living under that
kind of pressure. I would do everything I could to
find someone who might be able to help him in
that situation. And if it becomes, uh, you know, so
severe that his, his mental condition is indeed, uh, you know,
(24:26):
threatening to you or the baby physically. Uh, you know,
there is a place also for the hard step of
actually saying, you know, we've got to do something here,
whether that's finding him a place where he can go and, and,
and hopefully get a long term help. But bringing someone
(24:48):
else in to ask advice, you ask advice of them. Um,
I would definitely encourage you to do that, even if
it's 2 or 3 different people that you think who
might be able to help in some way, rather than
carrying this burden by yourself.
S1 (25:09):
This is the Building Relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast.
He's the author of the New York Times best seller
The Five Love Languages. Find out more about that in
our featured resource at Building Relationships. That resource is the
book by Doctor Chapman and Doctor Jennifer Thomas. The five
Apology Languages the secret to healthy relationships. Go to building
(25:31):
relationships And if you'd like to ask a question, call
Gary's listener line at 1866424. Gary. That's 1-866-424-4279.
S4 (25:46):
And remember, if you have a question or a response
to an answer that Gary gives, call us at 1866424. Gary.
You can leave your message right there, and you might
hear an answer on an upcoming broadcast of Building Relationships. (866) 424-4279.
Our next caller heard our conversation a few months ago
(26:07):
with Amber Lee. She wrote the book Untriggered 60 Days
of Transformation for Moms Who Struggle with Anger. Here's her
question for you, Gary.
S7 (26:18):
Hi, Gary. Um, I am involved in moms ministry here
in Chicago, and I had a question about your recent
episode with Amber Lee. Um, amazing episode. I think this
is incredibly helpful, wonderful resource. Um, but I have a question.
What would you say to the mom who has already
crossed the line and has lashed out physically at a child,
(26:41):
perhaps someone for whom? It's not a pattern at this point,
but it has been an episode. I know women who
are facing this are often very afraid of, um, seeking
counseling because they are concerned about being reported and losing
their children. So, um, if it's someone who's started down
(27:01):
that road and, um, they want help, but they, they
have that fear of, um, that kind of intervention. What
would be some steps, do you think, for that mom
to take in order to get the help that she needs?
Thank you so much.
S5 (27:17):
I think one thing would be to expose them to
the truth that we discussed. When you listened to that
program and to that particular book, it may well be
helpful to them if they don't have it. I also
wrote a book on anger. A number of years ago,
taming a powerful emotion is the subtopic, but it's on anger.
Where does anger come from? Why do we get angry?
(27:39):
And the two kinds of anger, righteous anger and then
anger that is not righteous. It's just that we didn't
get our way. And in the case you're describing a
mother losing her temper with a child and apparently abusing
a child, you know, understanding where anger is coming from,
and then get a plan on how to handle your anger. Uh,
(28:01):
a mother like that, if it's, as you said, it's
not something that's an established pattern yet. Uh, this is
the wonderful and best time for her to be getting
help and sometimes reading a book like that. Uh, the
book called Anger Taming a Powerful Emotion, some moody publication, uh,
would be very, very helpful for her. Because sometimes when
(28:21):
we can understand anger and get a plan for handling
our anger in a positive way, we can stop something
from becoming a habit. Uh, you know, at one time
losing your temper with a child. Many people have experienced that. Uh,
because we're human. And, uh, so I think, uh, if
she's not ready to go for counseling, uh, at least
(28:42):
getting a Christian book on that topic would be, I think,
a very positive step to take.
S4 (28:48):
And aren't you glad, uh, this person has a friend,
you know, in our caller here, uh, willing to open
up and to share. You know, this is going on
in my life. That's a good sign, I think, isn't it?
S5 (29:01):
Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Right. And I don't know if the
caller is the one who has lost the temper. Maybe
that is the case. Or maybe she's aware of someone, uh,
you know, in her family or friends who has done that.
But either case, uh, learning something about anger and understanding
it and anger management can be very, very helpful. And
that's why books have been written on that topic.
S4 (29:25):
This is building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman. This is
our dear Gary. Broadcast for September. Call 866424. Gary and
ask your question for a future program. Millions of people
have read the books on the love languages, but they
still have questions about how to use the insights. Enter
our next caller.
S8 (29:46):
Hi, Gary. So I've read the five love languages and
so has my wife, and we both found out we
have a similar or not the same primary love language,
but it seems like we have different dialects. I'm trying
to figure out, or we're trying to figure out what
(30:06):
portion of that love language resonates with each one of us.
Just trying to see how do you identify the different
dialects or what's different between us, because we both are
confused as far as why our different quality is quality time,
specifically why we both have different points of views for
(30:29):
what we consider quality time.
S5 (30:32):
Well, it's a good question because not only do we
have a primary love language, and in this case, it
seems both of them have quality time as their primary
love language. But we do have dialects within each of
these languages. Now, in the original book, I didn't go
into that very, very deeply. I just mentioned that, you know,
there are dialects. Uh, but now we have online at
(30:56):
Five Love languages.com. A premier assessment for the five love languages. Uh,
you have to pay for this one because it's very, very, uh, detailed.
It ties your primary love language with your personality, and
it helps you identify what dialect or dialects within that
(31:18):
language is most meaningful to each of you. And that's
a key insight. So I would encourage you to take that.
We're in the process of putting out a book that
will cover these issues, but it will not be out
until January of 2026. I am very empathetic with what
you're saying because you're right. You can have the same
primary love language, but have different dialects within that language.
(31:41):
And if you're not clear on what dialect is important
to the other person, then you can miss the mark
because you can do something or spend time with them
in a way that's meaningful to you, but it's not
a meaningful thing to them. Another question you might want
to ask each other from time to time is on
a scale of 0 to 10, how full is your
(32:05):
love tank? Or how much love do you feel coming
from me? And if they say anything less than ten,
you say, well, this week, what would be most meaningful
to you? And chances are they will. They will tell
you something you could do that would be most meaningful.
If you ask that question several times, you may well
(32:26):
see that their answers beginning to fall into one category.
That is, one particular dialect is what they really find meaningful.
That's how they like to spend quality time. So that's
just an informal way in which you can deal with this.
But it's important. And I'm glad you're asking the question,
because we want to discover what is the most meaningful
expression of love to them. That is not only their
(32:49):
primary love language, but the dialect of that language that's
most important. So great question, and I hope that helps.
S4 (32:56):
I'm trying to figure out what the dialect of quality
time could be, because in my mind, and maybe it's
because it's not my my love language is like, if
you're together, you're together, what will you do? But is
it like, you know, one person says, are you sitting
with me and watching a movie together is just the
(33:18):
bee's knees, you know, I just love that. And the
other person says, that doesn't quality time to me means, uh,
having a conversation, you know, sitting by the fire and
having a conversation, not watching something else. Is that could
that be the dialect?
S5 (33:35):
Uh, or taking a walk together, walking down the road
together and talking, uh, or going out to eat and
just the two of you having a conversation or going
to a ball game together? For some people, that's quality time.
So there's lots of dialects and you would think, well,
that doesn't sound you know, what I want is just
(33:55):
sit down and talk. I mean, that's. Yeah. Uh, so yeah,
determining the love language and the dialect is important.
S4 (34:05):
Okay. Gary, are you ready for some good news?
S5 (34:07):
Yes, sir.
S4 (34:09):
All right. We just talked about the dialects of quality time. And,
you know, how do you how do you communicate? Is
it just sitting down and talking and everything? This next
caller has been married five times. You have to hear
this story.
S9 (34:25):
Hi. My husband and I will be married for 21
years this come June. But we've been married to each
other five times since 1979. We've had a very tumultuous life,
but we have finally figured it out. And it just
simply something so simple. Every afternoon when we both get
(34:48):
off work, we meet on our patio during the summertime,
and inside is the wintertime is the kitchen table. And
we just sit. We talk about our day and we
both just chill. We turn off our phones and just
actually talk to each other about concerns that we're having,
and that has changed our lives. Totally. I wish we'd
(35:10):
done it when we first got married the very first
time or any times afterwards, but we finally figured it out.
It's the communication is the key to a happy marriage.
Truly it is. Anyway. Thank you.
S5 (35:27):
Well, that's interesting. Chris. Married to each other five times.
S4 (35:30):
Five times? Yes.
S5 (35:34):
They could have saved a lot of money if they
had not gone through the divorces. Well, that is encouraging, however,
that now they finally found, uh, what each of them
was seeking. And that is a close relationship. And yes,
communication is the lifeblood. Just as oxygen is necessary for
(35:56):
the human body. Uh, communication is necessary for a healthy marriage.
And what they did is they established a time, a place,
and they begin with sharing some things that have happened
throughout the day, sharing life with each other and then
sharing their concerns with each other, whatever that might be.
It's that kind of open, uh, loving communication in which
(36:19):
they're sharing with each other their thoughts, their feelings, their frustrations,
their desires. That leads us to a healthy marriage. Yeah.
And my guess is that both of them probably have
the primary love language of quality time. That's just a guess. Okay.
There you go.
S4 (36:36):
There you go. They've worked out the dialect, too. Okay.
You know, the thing I love most about that call
is the laugh, the little giggle, the chuckle that she
had at the end. And the other thing is I,
you know, especially in the church, it's like you, marriage
has to be this pristine thing and it's got to
look like this. And what she described, they're married to
(36:59):
the same person five different times. That's messy. And she
said that turbulence in, you know, that's that's hard. God
can can move into that turbulence. He can take the mess,
you know, of relationships. And I think that's one of
the things I've heard from you through the years. Don't
(37:20):
give up on, you know what is there simply because
it looks messy, right?
S5 (37:25):
You're right, Chris, because life is messy and we have
different personalities, and consequently we rub each other the wrong
way on certain things and that affects our feelings. Then
we get negative feelings, then we express negative words and
it goes downstream from there. You know, because nobody likes
to be put down day after day after day. And
(37:47):
so somebody just says, well, I'm out of here, you know?
But I am glad that they came back together. At
least if it did take five times, at least now
they have what they were looking for. So the answer
is not always go find somebody else where I won't
have any problems. No, no, no, you're not going to
marry anyone that you don't have differences with. It's a
(38:09):
matter of learning how to process the differences and learning
how to understand each other, listening as they talk and
expressing understanding and learning to speak their love language. I mean,
this is what creates a happy marriage.
S4 (38:25):
I think that caller is going to give some hope
to somebody who tuned in today. At least I hope so.
And if that happened, call us. Tell us what's going
on in your life. You can ask Gary a question.
866424 Gary 1866424 Gary. This next caller has a strained
(38:46):
marriage and she wants to hang in there. But it's
getting messy for her, too, and it's a real struggle.
Here's her question.
S10 (38:55):
My question is I've been married. We've been married. Me
and my husband for about five years, separated for two,
did to a lot of issues and I thankfully prayed
for him. Never stopped praying for him. Funny enough, he
was baptized, went to church, and was baptized on our
(39:16):
anniversary date. even though we've been separated again for almost
two years. We have a lot of unresolved issues. Tried counseling.
That didn't work. I still haven't given up on our marriage.
And I guess my question is, how do I stay
in hopes that my marriage can work? Or do I
(39:39):
just leave and accept that things are not going to
work out? I asked for signs and some days I
get the sense of hold on. Some days I get
the sense of okay, there, you've waited long enough. But
I understand the importance of marriage biblically, so therefore I
kind of do not want to give up. But I
guess I'm asking for guidance at this point. Thank you
(40:02):
so much for hearing me out and you have a
blessed day and keep changing people's lives.
S5 (40:08):
I would say for this caller, if you have not
read my book entitled One More Try, the subtitle is
what to do when your marriage is falling apart. One
more try, because in that book, I share the stories
of a number of people throughout the years that I've
counseled and worked with, who have been to the point
(40:30):
where you are. And that is asking themselves, when do
I give up? When do I stop? I think you'll
find that book to give you some key insights, uh,
in terms of how to do one more try. You
say you have tried counseling. It didn't help. And I
understand sometimes we go for counseling and it doesn't help.
(40:53):
But I wouldn't give up on counseling just because it
didn't help. Because counselors are like medical doctors. Some are
better than others. And so I would I would still
encourage you to find a Christian counselor that you can
both go to and let them begin to help you.
(41:14):
But I do think I would first encourage you both
to read the book. One more. Try and see if
some of the things I talk about in that book
would not be helpful to you, because we have to
deal with past failures. There has to be apology for
past failures, and there have been that on both sides.
It's not that either one of you is the one.
(41:35):
That's all the problem never is. That's never the case.
But I think dealing with past failures and then beginning
to talk about why do you think we got to
this place where what what are the what are the
issues that we have not dealt with writing them down
and then beginning one by one to work on those issues.
(41:56):
And that's where a counselor can be very helpful to you,
helping you find ways to handle that. My guess is
you do not have any problems that other couples have
not had similar problems learning what others have done and
and getting the advice from a Christian counselor who is
hearing your whole story. I think there is hope. I've
(42:20):
sometimes said to couples in my office who tell me
they have no hope. I say, I can understand that.
How you can get to that place. So I say,
what if you go on my hope? Because I have
hope for you. So if you're willing to go on
my hope, then I'll work with you and we'll talk
and we'll see what can be done. So I think
(42:41):
you're wise not to give up at this juncture. And, uh,
as long as the other person's open to conversations, I
would seek to have those conversations and seek to take
some of the steps, one of which, the easiest of
which is to read a book together.
S4 (42:57):
Yeah. And and if he won't go to counseling with
you that, you know, the wife going to counseling for
herself is a is a wonderful thing. She mentioned the
word sign. And I in trying to interpret what she
means by that. And I don't want to push my
interpretation on her, but it sounds to me like she
(43:21):
might be thinking, well, if by three months I don't
see any change, or if, uh, this happens, then that
must be God telling me it's okay to move on
or to hang in there, whatever it is. What do
you think about looking for a sign?
S5 (43:37):
Yeah, of course, I don't know that there's any one
sign that that we have to have before we decide.
You know, it's too late. We just have to give up. Uh,
I would say, uh, don't ever make that decision without
outside counsel, because sometimes, you know, counselors deal with people
all the time who have have lost hope. Uh, don't
(43:59):
go on your feelings that it's not going to work. Now, obviously,
if there's physical abuse, you know, or continual verbal abuse,
I can understand how you get to the place where
you just think there's no hope, and that has to change.
I mean, you can't you can't put up with that.
And sometimes a separation can be helpful. And but this caller,
(44:19):
I think she understood her to say they've been separated
for two years already. So just separation is not the answer.
Sometimes separation and getting help while you're separated can be
the road that leads to reconciliation.
S4 (44:36):
Well, before we conclude the program today, I want to
give you a number because as you've heard, there have
been some really deep questions that have been asked here
today in situations in marriage. And you revealing something like
that and getting an answer from Doctor Chapman might help
somebody else. So call that number 1866424. Gary. If you
(44:57):
want to remain anonymous, that's fine. I can read your question.
One 866 4244279. Or if you want to comment on
something that you've heard in this broadcast or others, we'd
love to hear from you. We've mentioned several books today.
One more try. Gary just mentioned that in regards to
this listener. We talked about your new life with adult children,
(45:21):
and our featured resource is the five Apology Languages the
Secret to Healthy Relationships. Go to building relationships to find
out more. Again, building relationships.
S5 (45:34):
And coming up next week how God can use the
needs in your life to help you heal and grow.
S1 (45:42):
Hear that moving conversation in one week? A big thank
you to our production team, Steve Wick and Janice backing.
Building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman is a production of
Moody Radio in Chicago, in association with Moody Publishers, a
ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.
Get ready for some challenging questions about marriage, parenting, and
the love languages coming up today on building relationships with
Doctor Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller
The Five Love Languages.
S2 (00:13):
What would you say to the mom who has already
lashed out physically?
S3 (00:18):
We have a similar or not the same primary love language.
S2 (00:22):
How do I stay in hopes that my marriage can work?
We've been married to each other five times.
S1 (00:31):
This is our September edition of Dear Gary, and we'd
love to hear your question for a future broadcast. You
can call us at 1866424. Gary 1866424 Gary.
S4 (00:45):
The great thing about a conversation where we hear from
you is that your struggle might be the exact one
somebody else is dealing with, so call with your question.
1866424 Gary. And if you go to building relationships, you'll
see our featured resource, a book by Doctor Chapman that
he wrote with Doctor Jennifer Thomas. The five Apology Languages
(01:07):
the secret to healthy relationships. You can find out more
at Building Relationships. And Gary, as we take these questions
here today, I wonder how many of the relational struggles
we have could be solved, or maybe not solved, but
at least lessened by learning how to apologize effectively?
S5 (01:27):
Well, Chris, I think it's an absolute necessity if we're
going to have long term healthy relationships to learn how
to apologize because none of us are perfect. We all will,
from time to time, intentionally or unintentionally. We hurt other
people in our relationships. And unless we're willing to accept
responsibility for that and apologize to them, and they choose
(01:50):
to forgive us, that relationship is going to be fractured
and eventually we'll just drift apart from each other. A
lot of relationships have ended or got on a track
for ending when people did wrong and didn't apologize. So yeah,
that book, we're having a great response to the five
apology languages because we have different ideas on how to apologize.
(02:14):
You know, whatever our parents told us is likely what
we're doing. If they said, go tell your sister I'm sorry.
Then as adults, we say, I'm sorry, and we don't
realize there are other ways to apologize. And that other
person is looking for sincerity, and it doesn't always come
from your words. I'm sorry. So yeah, I'm hoping God's
(02:35):
going to continue to use that book to help people apologize,
because all of us need to learn how to do it.
S4 (02:41):
And if you have ever had anybody say to you, well,
I'm sorry if I did something wrong and it hurts you,
it's like, wait, that's not an apology. This is the
book that will help you understand why you feel that way.
And then what's the the the answer to it? The
five apology languages. The secret to healthy relationships. It's our
(03:02):
featured resource today at Building Relationships. All right. We have
a written question for you as we begin here today.
And this comes from a a real deep place of
hurt from a mom who writes this. Our daughter's 22
and she grew up in a Christian home. She still
professes faith in Christ and occasionally attends church, but she
(03:25):
recently got engaged after only two months of dating. Her
fiance says he believes in God, but it doesn't appear
that he has a personal relationship with him. Neither of
them asked for our blessing to get engaged, but they
now want us to support their wedding both emotionally and financially.
We've expressed our concerns and encouraged our daughter to slow
(03:47):
down and carefully consider the long term consequences of being
unequally yoked, but she remains committed to moving forward. We're
torn in that some of our family members are urging
us to just get on board and celebrate with them,
while others feel that supporting the wedding would be endorsing
something outside of God's will. The the end of this,
(04:10):
she says, we're seeking the Lord in prayer and doing
our best to stay connected with our daughter. Though this
situation feels like the proverbial elephant in the room, as
Christian parents, how do we navigate this tension? Should we
support the wedding financially as though it were one we
could fully celebrate? Or is there a more faithful way
to balance biblical conviction with love for our daughter?
S5 (04:35):
I think, Chris, there are a lot of people out
there who can identify with these parents, adult children making
decisions that we don't feel comfortable with. And in this case,
I'm not sure that the other person is a Christian.
So I can identify with this, and I think a
lot of other folks can identify with this. The thing
(04:58):
I would try to emphasize is, first of all, remember
we cannot control our adult children's lives. God doesn't control
our lives. He gives us freedom. You know, if you
want to as a as a child of God, if
you want to do wrong, he'll let you do wrong.
You suffer the consequences. But he gives us freedom, and
(05:18):
we have to give our adult children freedom, uh, and
not try to force them to do what we think
they should be doing. I do think the second thing,
we want to keep the lines of communication open. If
you make the card decision, we are not going to
support you financially in this wedding and we are not
(05:40):
going to give affirmation or celebrate with you and you
just that's just the hard stance you take. You have
cut them off from having any further influence from you. Well, okay.
Now you don't have any influence because they're not going
to have any contact with you now. And it's awfully
(06:00):
hard to get over that five years down the road
or three years down the road after they're married. I
think we we have to share openly our thoughts and
our concerns, which I think the person who shared this
has already done that, and we should share those things.
But then we must let them know, I love you.
(06:21):
And if this is what you choose to do, then
I we're going to be with you. We're going to celebrate. And,
you know, then you have to decide, you know, how
you're going to do that. But I would also, in
the process, try to build a positive relationship with the
person she's engaged to. If they're not a Christian, you
want to love them. You want to communicate to them
(06:44):
the positive things you see in their life, and you
want to tell them how important you know, our relationship
with Christ is and how important it's been for you
And we believe it's true for your daughter. And so,
you know, having a loving conversation with them, this could
be a chance of leading them to Christ, if not
before the wedding, somewhere after the wedding, if they see
(07:06):
you as loving parents, Christian parents who love their daughter,
who want to walk with their daughter through life, uh,
you have a chance of leading them to Christ. But
if you come down really hard and reject them, as
it were, as a person, they will feel rejected by you,
then you have no further opportunity to reach them for Christ.
(07:30):
So those are my thoughts. I can't tell you, you know,
you've got to do this or this is the only
right thing to do. I just lean toward being open
and honest, sharing our honest thoughts and feelings with our
with the daughter and but letting her know, honey, it's
your life, it's your decision. And obviously you will. You'll
(07:52):
have to live with the consequences. But we we want
to love you. We want to love him. We want
to get to know him and let him know that
we love him. And we'll do anything in the world
we can to help him. You take that approach. You
could be God's instrument in bringing that person to Christ.
S4 (08:09):
So what I'm hearing you say is there's a sense
of release that you allow the the adult child to make,
even though, you know, it's only been two months or
three months or and she's 22 and you can see all,
you know, cataclysm ahead. You allow her to make the
decision and you release her to do that. Um, in
(08:32):
the same way that you've talked about forgiveness being kind
of a release. Does that make sense?
S5 (08:38):
Yeah, I think so. We let them be human. They're
not teenagers now. They're adults. And we have to give
them the freedom to make their decisions. Uh, you know,
the prodigal son. The father of the prodigal son did
not go after him and try to make him stop
the lifestyle he was living. He kept the farm going
(09:00):
so that when God brought his son to the to
the hog pen, and he decided to go home and
see if he could just get a job on the farm,
his father's arms were open for him to return. So
even though our children make decisions that we think they
should not make, we have to give them the freedom
to do that and to love them in the midst
of all of it.
S4 (09:21):
He also gave him his inheritance, which I would tell that, father,
don't do that. Don't do that. But this is that's
all a part of the story that Jesus told. Um,
there's another book that you've written that I think might
be helpful, Your New Life with Adult Children A Practical
Guide to what helps, what hurts, and What heals. That's
also something that you and Doctor Ross Campbell worked on.
(09:45):
That might be helpful, don't you think?
S5 (09:48):
Yeah. That book would be helpful to any parent who
has adult children, because sometimes our adult children bring us
great joy. Sometimes their decisions bring us great pain. But
how we respond to them in the midst of all
that's going to make a huge difference. So yeah, I
suggest any parent who has adult children, you're going to
find that book very, very helpful. It's your new life
(10:09):
with adult children.
S4 (10:11):
Maybe you have a question about the upcoming holiday season
and a strained relationship you have. Call 1866424 Gary (866) 424-4279.
And you can go to Building Relationships to find out
more about our featured resource, the five Apology Languages. The
secret to healthy relationships. Go to building relationships. Okay. We
(10:36):
started with a written question, Gary, for you from a
mom about her daughter. Here's another parent with basically the
same question. But there's a little difference, a little nuance
to this one. I want to see if you answer
the same way. Uh, Gary, my son is gay and
has been for years. He's been witness to many times.
He's now getting married because I've told him I cannot
(10:59):
come to his wedding or reception. My relationship with him
is in jeopardy. How do I reconcile with him, even
though we do not agree on this issue? Is there
a different approach that you have than to the first
question that I posed to you?
S5 (11:17):
You know, Chris, I would not be dogmatic to say
you should never go to a wedding or to say no,
you should go. It's not my it's not my choice
to say that every family must wrestle with this. Uh,
it's not an easy, not an easy question. But it's
not just the matter of do I go to the
(11:38):
wedding or not go to the wedding. The other issue is,
do I want to have a relationship with my son
in the future, or do I want to simply mark
him off. And let me just say this, I have
seen a number of times when a parent just totally
refuses to go to the wedding and also communicates. I
(11:59):
don't want to ever see your partner over here at
our house. That stance essentially many times leads to years
where there is no contact with that adult child. I
think you have to decide, is that what I want?
Is that the best thing? Or should I clearly state
my case that I am not supportive of this? I
(12:22):
do not believe this is right. But they say he's
been living a lifestyle for years, a gay lifestyle for years.
So they've already been dealing with this problem. But apparently
so far they've at least kept a relationship with him.
So do you want to stop that relationship altogether? Uh,
or do you want to let them know precisely how
(12:44):
you feel about it? No question about it. It's just
not what I want. I cannot support this. I'm not
in favor of this. But if this is your choice,
I want you to know I still love you. I
will always love you. No matter what you do. I
will love you. But I hope you understand if you're
going to make the decision not to go. But I
hope you understand. I just can't emotionally bring myself to
(13:08):
be there for the wedding. But I do love you,
you know, that would be if you're going to make
that decision, that would be the way to make it.
Or if you're deciding that you are going to go,
you can say, I'm going to go because I do
love you. I want to be there. I'm not really
celebrating this, but I'll be there with you because I
love you. You know, that's that's the kind of approach
(13:29):
you make. So what we want to do is recognize
that we want to love our children even when they
make poor decisions, because God loves us as his children
when we make poor decisions. Uh, you know, if God
clobbered us or if God broke off his relationship with
us whenever we sinned. There'd be a whole lot of
(13:51):
people who are Christians who lost their relationship with God. Yeah. No.
God allows us to suffer the consequences of our wrong decisions.
He doesn't affirm them, but he lets us make that decision.
He gives us that freedom. And then he lets us
suffer the consequences. And he will bring discipline to his children. Uh,
(14:12):
you know, down the road. So, uh, that's that's the
way God handles it. And I think we have to
let them make their decisions and let them suffer the
consequences that God brings on their lives. We're not to
take revenge. The Romans chapter 12 makes that very clear.
We're not to take revenge. That's God's, uh, God takes
revenge and God will bring, you know, punishment on them.
(14:34):
Let them suffer the consequences. But we want to walk
with them, and we want to be there in the
midst of the pain that they may feel along the
way and let them know we love them. We've always
loved them, even though we haven't always agreed with them.
S4 (14:48):
I see the tension that you're talking about there because
it's internal tension. I don't feel like I can, but
I want to do this. And then there's the external tension.
There could be people in, you know, friends or family
members or church members who would say, you can't do
that or you need to do that. You know, there's
just a lot of pressure in this whole situation. And
I guess the what you're saying is not answering the question.
(15:11):
I want you to I want you to put it
in stone. You've got to do this. You got to
do that, and you're not doing that. And I respect that.
But the the main question that hovers over all this is,
what does it look like to love this person right here,
right now. And we have to be willing to to
answer that question and allow God to work in us
(15:34):
to what that looks like. Right?
S5 (15:36):
Yeah. That's right. You know, because the scriptures are clear about,
you know, we have enemies. We have, you know, do
good to those that hate you and, you know, return
good for evil. You know, if they're hungry, feed them.
If they're thirsty, give them something to drink. These are
our enemies. Uh, so if we were to do that
for our enemies, we certainly should do that. Have that attitude.
(15:59):
Same attitude for our children. Our adult children.
S4 (16:02):
Those are the first two questions. We had a pastor
call and leave a message. And I'm going to read
in order to keep his voice and his location hidden.
I'm just going to read this. Gary, I'm a pastor
with a family in our church that has experienced infidelity.
This is not coming from the married couple though, but
their daughter. She has seen some behavior in her parents
(16:25):
that she wants to address with them. Do you have
any wisdom or guidance on this, or do you know
of any good resources to point her to that might
be helpful for a daughter who loves her mom and dad?
S5 (16:39):
Hmm. This is kind of the opposite, isn't it? Of
parents who are dealing with their adult children who are sinning? Uh,
here is a daughter who's dealing with her mom and dad, uh,
who are sinning. Apparently she believes at least that they are.
One of them, at least is involved in infidelity. I
think as a loving daughter, uh, it certainly would be
(17:02):
right and positive for you to have a conversation with them,
do it in a loving and kind way. That is,
approach them with the spirit of mom or dad, which
if you think both of them are guilty, you know
you can talk with them together. If you think one
of them is the one that's being unfaithful in the marriage,
(17:23):
you can talk with them and just say, I want to.
I want to have a conversation with you. And to
be honest with you, this is a hard conversation for me.
I have prayed about it a lot because I want
to do the right thing, but I really believe that
you're having an affair. or if it's already open, you
(17:43):
can say, uh, you know, you have been unfaithful to
mom or you've been unfaithful to dad. And as your daughter, uh,
I'm deeply hurt by this. I want to find out
where you're coming from. I want you to share your
heart with me. And I just want us to have
(18:05):
a conversation about it. Are you open to that? And
chances are, if you take that approach, they will be
open and they will share their thoughts with you. And
then you can move into the, you know, after they've
shared their thoughts and why they did this. And they
have a reason, you know, obviously, uh, they wouldn't have
done it. But then you say, you know, you've taught
(18:27):
me from the Bible all your life, and the Bible
is very much anti what you're doing. And you know
that all I can do as your daughter is to
request that you break off that relationship and come back
with mom and apologize to her. And that you you
all work on your marriage. That's what I would love
(18:49):
to see you do. I know that I cannot control
your behavior. You are an adult, and if you choose
to do this, then that's your choice. I will always
love you as a father, but I will. I live
with great hurt over what you've done. And if you
continue on what you continue doing, it's that kind of
(19:10):
open conversation. I think that can be received by the parent,
whichever parent it is, and, and, and they're going to
walk away with a deep sense of how they have
hurt their child and, and your request as to what
they that they would make a right decision now and
turn back to God. So to me, that would be
(19:34):
the way you do it. But yes, I think you
you should as a pastor, encourage that daughter. I don't
know what age she is, but to have that kind
of conversation with the parent that's guilty or if both
of them are guilty. I don't know what the situation
is with talking with both of them. So as a pastor,
you know, we handle these things all the time. And
(19:56):
and yeah, these are hard situations for us. But, you know,
the Bible says if you recognize someone as sin, uh,
you go to them and if they don't respond, you
take somebody with you. This is in Matthew. Jesus said this.
You take somebody with you. Then if they don't respond
or repent, you tell the church, and the church will
(20:16):
send somebody. If they're in the church, the church will
send somebody. So you make every effort. And after you've
made those three efforts, he says, if they don't repent,
you treat them as a pagan. What do you do
for pagans? You pray for them. Yeah. You reach out
to them. You do anything you can to minister to
them and meet needs and that sort of thing. Showing
(20:37):
the love of God to them as sinners. So the
Bible is pretty clear on the idea of confronting someone
when you know that they're doing wrong. But it needs
to be done in a loving way.
S4 (20:50):
What if the response is anger? How dare you accuse me?
How dare this is your soul! You're stirring things up.
You know, who are you to to point a finger
at me? From. From whoever it is. Mom or dad?
What do you. What do you. How do you handle that?
S5 (21:05):
I think you you let them explode. There's no need
to try to stop them. They're they're they're exploding verbally.
You let them explode verbally, and then you say, I'm
really sorry that you feel that way. It really hurts
me that you would feel that way toward me. Because
I love you very much. And I'm just trying to
(21:26):
speak love into your life. And you drop it at
that point and let them walk away thinking about how nicely,
lovingly you responded to their awful response to you. God
can use that kind of approach and that kind of
response to touch their hearts even when they walk away.
S4 (21:47):
This is building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, and if
you have a question or a comment for anything that
we've talked about here today, I'd love to hear from you.
At 866424. Gary. You can ask a question like our
listeners are doing here or make a comment. (866) 424-4279. Here's
a caller who's been through a difficult marriage and needs
(22:10):
a little encouragement from you, Gary.
S6 (22:13):
Good afternoon doctor. My question is, how do you help
your husband, a man of faith, as a wife of faith,
maneuver through his mental health along with having a newborn baby.
Thank you for acknowledging my question.
S5 (22:36):
Well, first of all, this is a very difficult situation
and obviously a lot of pressure on this wife having
a new baby and have a husband with mental problems.
I don't know what the history is, how long he's
had mental problems, what has been done to try to
deal with those already? Don't know where he is in
(22:58):
that journey. Obviously he needs help. If he is not
seeing a counselor, then I would say do everything you
can to find a counselor who can deal with his
particular situation and encourage him in every way to go
to see a counselor, to get help with his, with
(23:19):
his situation. But I sense the pressure, and I know
it's hard. Having a new baby alone is hard, but
having a new baby with a husband has mental problems
is even harder. So I would say any outside source.
You can get to help in the in the situation.
Don't hesitate to reach out and try to bring someone
(23:42):
else into this situation. That can be helpful. That might
start by just talking to a pastor that you trust
and asking whom would you recommend? Uh, that might be
able to give some help in this situation, because pastors
often know who Christian counselors are, and at least it's
a starting place. Uh, I wouldn't simply just sit there
(24:05):
and let things just rock on and living under that
kind of pressure. I would do everything I could to
find someone who might be able to help him in
that situation. And if it becomes, uh, you know, so
severe that his, his mental condition is indeed, uh, you know,
(24:26):
threatening to you or the baby physically. Uh, you know,
there is a place also for the hard step of
actually saying, you know, we've got to do something here,
whether that's finding him a place where he can go and, and,
and hopefully get a long term help. But bringing someone
(24:48):
else in to ask advice, you ask advice of them. Um,
I would definitely encourage you to do that, even if
it's 2 or 3 different people that you think who
might be able to help in some way, rather than
carrying this burden by yourself.
S1 (25:09):
This is the Building Relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast.
He's the author of the New York Times best seller
The Five Love Languages. Find out more about that in
our featured resource at Building Relationships. That resource is the
book by Doctor Chapman and Doctor Jennifer Thomas. The five
Apology Languages the secret to healthy relationships. Go to building
(25:31):
relationships And if you'd like to ask a question, call
Gary's listener line at 1866424. Gary. That's 1-866-424-4279.
S4 (25:46):
And remember, if you have a question or a response
to an answer that Gary gives, call us at 1866424. Gary.
You can leave your message right there, and you might
hear an answer on an upcoming broadcast of Building Relationships. (866) 424-4279.
Our next caller heard our conversation a few months ago
(26:07):
with Amber Lee. She wrote the book Untriggered 60 Days
of Transformation for Moms Who Struggle with Anger. Here's her
question for you, Gary.
S7 (26:18):
Hi, Gary. Um, I am involved in moms ministry here
in Chicago, and I had a question about your recent
episode with Amber Lee. Um, amazing episode. I think this
is incredibly helpful, wonderful resource. Um, but I have a question.
What would you say to the mom who has already
crossed the line and has lashed out physically at a child,
(26:41):
perhaps someone for whom? It's not a pattern at this point,
but it has been an episode. I know women who
are facing this are often very afraid of, um, seeking
counseling because they are concerned about being reported and losing
their children. So, um, if it's someone who's started down
(27:01):
that road and, um, they want help, but they, they
have that fear of, um, that kind of intervention. What
would be some steps, do you think, for that mom
to take in order to get the help that she needs?
Thank you so much.
S5 (27:17):
I think one thing would be to expose them to
the truth that we discussed. When you listened to that
program and to that particular book, it may well be
helpful to them if they don't have it. I also
wrote a book on anger. A number of years ago,
taming a powerful emotion is the subtopic, but it's on anger.
Where does anger come from? Why do we get angry?
(27:39):
And the two kinds of anger, righteous anger and then
anger that is not righteous. It's just that we didn't
get our way. And in the case you're describing a
mother losing her temper with a child and apparently abusing
a child, you know, understanding where anger is coming from,
and then get a plan on how to handle your anger. Uh,
(28:01):
a mother like that, if it's, as you said, it's
not something that's an established pattern yet. Uh, this is
the wonderful and best time for her to be getting
help and sometimes reading a book like that. Uh, the
book called Anger Taming a Powerful Emotion, some moody publication, uh,
would be very, very helpful for her. Because sometimes when
(28:21):
we can understand anger and get a plan for handling
our anger in a positive way, we can stop something
from becoming a habit. Uh, you know, at one time
losing your temper with a child. Many people have experienced that. Uh,
because we're human. And, uh, so I think, uh, if
she's not ready to go for counseling, uh, at least
(28:42):
getting a Christian book on that topic would be, I think,
a very positive step to take.
S4 (28:48):
And aren't you glad, uh, this person has a friend,
you know, in our caller here, uh, willing to open
up and to share. You know, this is going on
in my life. That's a good sign, I think, isn't it?
S5 (29:01):
Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Right. And I don't know if the
caller is the one who has lost the temper. Maybe
that is the case. Or maybe she's aware of someone, uh,
you know, in her family or friends who has done that.
But either case, uh, learning something about anger and understanding
it and anger management can be very, very helpful. And
that's why books have been written on that topic.
S4 (29:25):
This is building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman. This is
our dear Gary. Broadcast for September. Call 866424. Gary and
ask your question for a future program. Millions of people
have read the books on the love languages, but they
still have questions about how to use the insights. Enter
our next caller.
S8 (29:46):
Hi, Gary. So I've read the five love languages and
so has my wife, and we both found out we
have a similar or not the same primary love language,
but it seems like we have different dialects. I'm trying
to figure out, or we're trying to figure out what
(30:06):
portion of that love language resonates with each one of us.
Just trying to see how do you identify the different
dialects or what's different between us, because we both are
confused as far as why our different quality is quality time,
specifically why we both have different points of views for
(30:29):
what we consider quality time.
S5 (30:32):
Well, it's a good question because not only do we
have a primary love language, and in this case, it
seems both of them have quality time as their primary
love language. But we do have dialects within each of
these languages. Now, in the original book, I didn't go
into that very, very deeply. I just mentioned that, you know,
there are dialects. Uh, but now we have online at
(30:56):
Five Love languages.com. A premier assessment for the five love languages. Uh,
you have to pay for this one because it's very, very, uh, detailed.
It ties your primary love language with your personality, and
it helps you identify what dialect or dialects within that
(31:18):
language is most meaningful to each of you. And that's
a key insight. So I would encourage you to take that.
We're in the process of putting out a book that
will cover these issues, but it will not be out
until January of 2026. I am very empathetic with what
you're saying because you're right. You can have the same
primary love language, but have different dialects within that language.
(31:41):
And if you're not clear on what dialect is important
to the other person, then you can miss the mark
because you can do something or spend time with them
in a way that's meaningful to you, but it's not
a meaningful thing to them. Another question you might want
to ask each other from time to time is on
a scale of 0 to 10, how full is your
(32:05):
love tank? Or how much love do you feel coming
from me? And if they say anything less than ten,
you say, well, this week, what would be most meaningful
to you? And chances are they will. They will tell
you something you could do that would be most meaningful.
If you ask that question several times, you may well
(32:26):
see that their answers beginning to fall into one category.
That is, one particular dialect is what they really find meaningful.
That's how they like to spend quality time. So that's
just an informal way in which you can deal with this.
But it's important. And I'm glad you're asking the question,
because we want to discover what is the most meaningful
expression of love to them. That is not only their
(32:49):
primary love language, but the dialect of that language that's
most important. So great question, and I hope that helps.
S4 (32:56):
I'm trying to figure out what the dialect of quality
time could be, because in my mind, and maybe it's
because it's not my my love language is like, if
you're together, you're together, what will you do? But is
it like, you know, one person says, are you sitting
with me and watching a movie together is just the
(33:18):
bee's knees, you know, I just love that. And the
other person says, that doesn't quality time to me means, uh,
having a conversation, you know, sitting by the fire and
having a conversation, not watching something else. Is that could
that be the dialect?
S5 (33:35):
Uh, or taking a walk together, walking down the road
together and talking, uh, or going out to eat and
just the two of you having a conversation or going
to a ball game together? For some people, that's quality time.
So there's lots of dialects and you would think, well,
that doesn't sound you know, what I want is just
(33:55):
sit down and talk. I mean, that's. Yeah. Uh, so yeah,
determining the love language and the dialect is important.
S4 (34:05):
Okay. Gary, are you ready for some good news?
S5 (34:07):
Yes, sir.
S4 (34:09):
All right. We just talked about the dialects of quality time. And,
you know, how do you how do you communicate? Is
it just sitting down and talking and everything? This next
caller has been married five times. You have to hear
this story.
S9 (34:25):
Hi. My husband and I will be married for 21
years this come June. But we've been married to each
other five times since 1979. We've had a very tumultuous life,
but we have finally figured it out. And it just
simply something so simple. Every afternoon when we both get
(34:48):
off work, we meet on our patio during the summertime,
and inside is the wintertime is the kitchen table. And
we just sit. We talk about our day and we
both just chill. We turn off our phones and just
actually talk to each other about concerns that we're having,
and that has changed our lives. Totally. I wish we'd
(35:10):
done it when we first got married the very first
time or any times afterwards, but we finally figured it out.
It's the communication is the key to a happy marriage.
Truly it is. Anyway. Thank you.
S5 (35:27):
Well, that's interesting. Chris. Married to each other five times.
S4 (35:30):
Five times? Yes.
S5 (35:34):
They could have saved a lot of money if they
had not gone through the divorces. Well, that is encouraging, however,
that now they finally found, uh, what each of them
was seeking. And that is a close relationship. And yes,
communication is the lifeblood. Just as oxygen is necessary for
(35:56):
the human body. Uh, communication is necessary for a healthy marriage.
And what they did is they established a time, a place,
and they begin with sharing some things that have happened
throughout the day, sharing life with each other and then
sharing their concerns with each other, whatever that might be.
It's that kind of open, uh, loving communication in which
(36:19):
they're sharing with each other their thoughts, their feelings, their frustrations,
their desires. That leads us to a healthy marriage. Yeah.
And my guess is that both of them probably have
the primary love language of quality time. That's just a guess. Okay.
There you go.
S4 (36:36):
There you go. They've worked out the dialect, too. Okay.
You know, the thing I love most about that call
is the laugh, the little giggle, the chuckle that she
had at the end. And the other thing is I,
you know, especially in the church, it's like you, marriage
has to be this pristine thing and it's got to
look like this. And what she described, they're married to
(36:59):
the same person five different times. That's messy. And she
said that turbulence in, you know, that's that's hard. God
can can move into that turbulence. He can take the mess,
you know, of relationships. And I think that's one of
the things I've heard from you through the years. Don't
(37:20):
give up on, you know what is there simply because
it looks messy, right?
S5 (37:25):
You're right, Chris, because life is messy and we have
different personalities, and consequently we rub each other the wrong
way on certain things and that affects our feelings. Then
we get negative feelings, then we express negative words and
it goes downstream from there. You know, because nobody likes
to be put down day after day after day. And
(37:47):
so somebody just says, well, I'm out of here, you know?
But I am glad that they came back together. At
least if it did take five times, at least now
they have what they were looking for. So the answer
is not always go find somebody else where I won't
have any problems. No, no, no, you're not going to
marry anyone that you don't have differences with. It's a
(38:09):
matter of learning how to process the differences and learning
how to understand each other, listening as they talk and
expressing understanding and learning to speak their love language. I mean,
this is what creates a happy marriage.
S4 (38:25):
I think that caller is going to give some hope
to somebody who tuned in today. At least I hope so.
And if that happened, call us. Tell us what's going
on in your life. You can ask Gary a question.
866424 Gary 1866424 Gary. This next caller has a strained
(38:46):
marriage and she wants to hang in there. But it's
getting messy for her, too, and it's a real struggle.
Here's her question.
S10 (38:55):
My question is I've been married. We've been married. Me
and my husband for about five years, separated for two,
did to a lot of issues and I thankfully prayed
for him. Never stopped praying for him. Funny enough, he
was baptized, went to church, and was baptized on our
(39:16):
anniversary date. even though we've been separated again for almost
two years. We have a lot of unresolved issues. Tried counseling.
That didn't work. I still haven't given up on our marriage.
And I guess my question is, how do I stay
in hopes that my marriage can work? Or do I
(39:39):
just leave and accept that things are not going to
work out? I asked for signs and some days I
get the sense of hold on. Some days I get
the sense of okay, there, you've waited long enough. But
I understand the importance of marriage biblically, so therefore I
kind of do not want to give up. But I
guess I'm asking for guidance at this point. Thank you
(40:02):
so much for hearing me out and you have a
blessed day and keep changing people's lives.
S5 (40:08):
I would say for this caller, if you have not
read my book entitled One More Try, the subtitle is
what to do when your marriage is falling apart. One
more try, because in that book, I share the stories
of a number of people throughout the years that I've
counseled and worked with, who have been to the point
(40:30):
where you are. And that is asking themselves, when do
I give up? When do I stop? I think you'll
find that book to give you some key insights, uh,
in terms of how to do one more try. You
say you have tried counseling. It didn't help. And I
understand sometimes we go for counseling and it doesn't help.
(40:53):
But I wouldn't give up on counseling just because it
didn't help. Because counselors are like medical doctors. Some are
better than others. And so I would I would still
encourage you to find a Christian counselor that you can
both go to and let them begin to help you.
(41:14):
But I do think I would first encourage you both
to read the book. One more. Try and see if
some of the things I talk about in that book
would not be helpful to you, because we have to
deal with past failures. There has to be apology for
past failures, and there have been that on both sides.
It's not that either one of you is the one.
(41:35):
That's all the problem never is. That's never the case.
But I think dealing with past failures and then beginning
to talk about why do you think we got to
this place where what what are the what are the
issues that we have not dealt with writing them down
and then beginning one by one to work on those issues.
(41:56):
And that's where a counselor can be very helpful to you,
helping you find ways to handle that. My guess is
you do not have any problems that other couples have
not had similar problems learning what others have done and
and getting the advice from a Christian counselor who is
hearing your whole story. I think there is hope. I've
(42:20):
sometimes said to couples in my office who tell me
they have no hope. I say, I can understand that.
How you can get to that place. So I say,
what if you go on my hope? Because I have
hope for you. So if you're willing to go on
my hope, then I'll work with you and we'll talk
and we'll see what can be done. So I think
(42:41):
you're wise not to give up at this juncture. And, uh,
as long as the other person's open to conversations, I
would seek to have those conversations and seek to take
some of the steps, one of which, the easiest of
which is to read a book together.
S4 (42:57):
Yeah. And and if he won't go to counseling with
you that, you know, the wife going to counseling for
herself is a is a wonderful thing. She mentioned the
word sign. And I in trying to interpret what she
means by that. And I don't want to push my
interpretation on her, but it sounds to me like she
(43:21):
might be thinking, well, if by three months I don't
see any change, or if, uh, this happens, then that
must be God telling me it's okay to move on
or to hang in there, whatever it is. What do
you think about looking for a sign?
S5 (43:37):
Yeah, of course, I don't know that there's any one
sign that that we have to have before we decide.
You know, it's too late. We just have to give up. Uh,
I would say, uh, don't ever make that decision without
outside counsel, because sometimes, you know, counselors deal with people
all the time who have have lost hope. Uh, don't
(43:59):
go on your feelings that it's not going to work. Now, obviously,
if there's physical abuse, you know, or continual verbal abuse,
I can understand how you get to the place where
you just think there's no hope, and that has to change.
I mean, you can't you can't put up with that.
And sometimes a separation can be helpful. And but this caller,
(44:19):
I think she understood her to say they've been separated
for two years already. So just separation is not the answer.
Sometimes separation and getting help while you're separated can be
the road that leads to reconciliation.
S4 (44:36):
Well, before we conclude the program today, I want to
give you a number because as you've heard, there have
been some really deep questions that have been asked here
today in situations in marriage. And you revealing something like
that and getting an answer from Doctor Chapman might help
somebody else. So call that number 1866424. Gary. If you
(44:57):
want to remain anonymous, that's fine. I can read your question.
One 866 4244279. Or if you want to comment on
something that you've heard in this broadcast or others, we'd
love to hear from you. We've mentioned several books today.
One more try. Gary just mentioned that in regards to
this listener. We talked about your new life with adult children,
(45:21):
and our featured resource is the five Apology Languages the
Secret to Healthy Relationships. Go to building relationships to find
out more. Again, building relationships.
S5 (45:34):
And coming up next week how God can use the
needs in your life to help you heal and grow.
S1 (45:42):
Hear that moving conversation in one week? A big thank
you to our production team, Steve Wick and Janice backing.
Building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman is a production of
Moody Radio in Chicago, in association with Moody Publishers, a
ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.
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