March 8, 2025 • 44 mins
That bundle of joy you brought home from the hospital has flown the nest. Now what do you do? On this Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, you’ll discover how to adapt to the new phase in your relationship. Has that adult child moved back home? Do you have conflict over choices they’re making? Is your adult child estranged from you? Hear help and hope on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.
Featured resource: YOUR NEW LIFE WITH ADULT CHILDREN: A PRACTICAL GUIDE TO WHAT HELPS, WHAT HURTS, AND WHAT HEALS
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
S1 (00:00):
There's a huge difference between raising those children when they're
younger and when they now become adults.
S2 (00:06):
I don't know if it's his generation or whatever saying,
you know, my truth is my truth.
S3 (00:10):
I was focused so much on her behavior that I
missed hearing her heart.
S4 (00:18):
Welcome to building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of
the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages. If
you're struggling with your relationship with your adult child, there's
help and hope for you today. Doctor Chapman has ideas
about what helps, what hurts, and what heals in that
relationship that might be strained.
S5 (00:38):
And this is one of those topics I know is
going to hit a nerve with a lot of listeners,
because the discussion you're about to hear took place on
a different program on Moody Radio. It's called Chris Fabry Live,
and we had such great callers and interaction that we
wanted to present that here today.
S4 (00:56):
If you go to Building Relationships us, you'll see the
featured resource today. Your New life with adult Children. It's
written by Doctor Chapman and Doctor Ross Campbell. Just go
to building relationships. Dot us.
S5 (01:09):
Gary, why don't you step back and give me kind
of the big fly over the why of this book?
Why do we need it today?
S1 (01:17):
Well, Chris, in the last several years, I have had
more parents of adult children in my counseling office than
ever in all the years past. And I don't know
if there's more actually going on, more problems going on now,
or if I'm just hearing more of it. But, you know,
they're in my office. Their adult children are making decisions
(01:38):
that are just devastating to the parents. And they're asking me,
what do I do? What can I do? Or they're
also saying, where did we fail? You know, where did
we fail? How is it possible that our child could
ever be doing whatever it is? You know? So I
just felt like, you know, it's it's time to really
address addressed that issue. Of course, you know, this is
(02:00):
I wrote a book on that a number of years ago,
but I just felt like it was time to do
a redo on that book. And so that's what we've done,
trying to help parents of adult children in today's world.
S5 (02:10):
Why do you think a lot of parents go there?
That it's my fault for what happened?
S1 (02:17):
Well, I think maybe because, you know, Chris, we as Christians,
you know, we we have the idea and there's some
reason for having that idea that if I will do
the right thing and I will teach them, you know,
the right way, they're not going to depart from it.
And because there's a scripture that says something like that,
you know, train up a child in the way he
should go when he is old, he will not depart
(02:38):
from it. And so I think parents kind of have
that in the back of their mind. And so if
a child turns out doing some things that they were
not taught growing up, they want to know, well, where
did we fail? You know, where did we fail? But
I don't think that verse means that we can determine
the outcome of our children and the actions of our children.
They will not depart from the influence of that, but
(02:59):
they may do things contrary to what we have taught them.
This is a reality.
S5 (03:04):
Yeah. Gary. We had a caller not long ago who
said that she had begun to relate to her adult children,
like she relates now to her coworkers, who are her
kids age. She tries to withhold judgment about her coworkers.
She'll ask questions, but she doesn't give unwanted advice. She
doesn't see their choices as kind of a reflection on her.
(03:27):
Does that make sense?
S1 (03:28):
Yeah, it does, Chris. And I think that's really, really important.
Parents have to recognize we are still their parents, to
be sure, but there's a huge difference between raising those
children when they're younger and when they now become adults.
And we want to keep the lines of communication open,
but we don't want to be telling them what to do.
(03:50):
You know, if you want this job, you better get
this application in today. Well, Yeah. They're feeling. Hey, I'm
not a kid, mom. Okay? Okay, I got it, mom,
I got it. You know, our dad. So we've got
to keep communication open. But we need to be sharing
ideas along the way. Sure, but share them as your
opinion and don't share them as, you know, God or
(04:14):
the parent of a little child. You've got to do
this because that just pushes them further away. And so
we have to we have to learn to listen. You
want to ask questions, whatever they're going through. You want
to ask questions and let them share what they want
to share. If they ask your advice, certainly give their advice,
but give it as your advice, not as this is
(04:36):
what you ought to do. We want to keep the
lines of communication open so we can have an influence,
a positive influence on our children, but not control them.
S5 (04:45):
Is it harder, do you think, this thing of adult
kids for moms than it is for dads? Or is
it just the same slash Different.
S1 (04:55):
I think moms may be more open to talk about it.
Or as you just said, say something. If they think
they can find help online. Then dads are. But I
think dads hearts are also broken many times. Many times.
S5 (05:09):
We're going to start in Cleveland, Ohio with Maureen. Hi, Maureen.
Go right ahead.
S3 (05:15):
Well, I just wanted to share about how God directed
me to let my granddaughter come back and live with
us so she could save money to get into an apartment.
And this had been a very, very difficult relationship. And
I have to take responsibility for that, because I was
(05:37):
focused so much on her behavior that I missed hearing
her heart so many times. And so I knew God
was giving me a second chance. He made it very clear.
He said we were to say yes, but I was
not to expect her to change. In fact, she could
even get worse. But he wanted to change me. And
(05:59):
that was for probably 18 months. And I was so
thankful for that foundation of hearing the Lord say, this
is not for her, it's for you. I need to
change you. And he did. All my goodness, I was
able to put into practice the whole thing about quick
(06:21):
to listen and slow to speak, because I realized so
often in that in the past I had fueled her
anger by continuing to talk and. But anyway, he just
did amazing things. And I'd just like to add a
PS I have been a procrastinator, but my daughter got
(06:43):
me a shirt that says my love language is prayer.
S5 (06:48):
Prayer. I love, I like that.
S3 (06:51):
That's exactly what has happened in the last three years,
I would say is I love praying for people and
with people, especially with people. So my love language really
is prayer.
S5 (07:05):
You know what I take away, mostly from your call, Maureen,
is how you and this can go with a grandchild
or it can go with your adult child. You focus
on behavior and you miss their heart. That speaks to me. Gary,
what about you?
S1 (07:19):
Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. So it's so exciting to hear what
she's saying. And I really appreciate you calling and letting
us know that, because that's precisely what God wants to
do in all of us. We're his representatives. Listen, God
loves the unlovely. God loves people. I don't care what
they've done. And we're his representatives. And Jesus said, you
(07:41):
know you love as I have loved you. And so
when we express love to a grandchild or an adult
child of our own, when they're doing things that we
just feel so badly about. You know, we we're not
following Jesus example. I'm glad for what you've done. And
you know, God will use it and some someday, if
(08:03):
she hasn't already. Chances are that granddaughter's going to come
back and be asking you for your advice about something
because she's seen you accepting her as she is and
she's going to be changing. We don't stay the same.
We're always grappling with new ideas and new thoughts. And so,
you know, she may get worse, she may get better.
But the chances are the fact that you have invited
her in to stay with you for those months is
(08:25):
a positive thing in her life and a positive thing
in your life. Obviously.
S5 (08:30):
Today's program is taken from two conversations I had with
Doctor Chapman about this topic on a weekday program on
Moody Radio. Let's take our next caller.
S6 (08:40):
I was calling because, oh man, I have three adult
children and they are all in their 30s And over
the years I've been very close with my boys. My
daughter has always been more volatile with me, and at
this point in their lives, my eldest son is living
(09:02):
a gay lifestyle. He did reveal this to me himself. Um,
my younger son is married and claims to be an
atheist and my daughter is extremely liberal like extreme. We
are at the moment not speaking due to political division
(09:22):
amongst many other things. She thinks she can speak to
me any old way swearing, telling me I was a
beep beep parent and etc. their dad and I separated
when the youngest was about 7 or 8 and my
eldest was around 15, and this was after we lost
our second born son and it affected the older two
(09:45):
boys more. We had the three boys then a daughter.
My daughter's grief is that she doesn't even remember her brother. But,
you know, these kids were raised in a church. Their
dad and I were married. We went to church. I
kind of fell away after my son died because I
was very angry with God. Um, I'm just at a loss,
(10:06):
I really am. I, you know, I pray for people.
I know that nobody would go to hell. And I
feel like my own children are walking a path that's
going to lead them there. So it's it's just very difficult.
I don't like not speaking to my daughter. She's always
been very, very strong willed. I don't know, she's never
(10:28):
acted like she liked me. You know, other families were
always better, etc..
S5 (10:34):
I you know, there's a lot of that I'm hearing
in your story, Natalie. A lot of trauma in there
with the divorce, with the loss of a son. And
and your kids have been through that as well. Uh.
And so I can hear and I know you hear
it in her voice. Gary, just this, uh, what would
you say to Natalie?
S1 (10:54):
Well, first of all, I would be very empathetic with
what she's saying, because anyone who's gone through all that
she just briefly described. I mean, it is traumatic to
go through all of that, and it's still going on.
I mean, you know, she's probably processed some of the grief,
you know, in losing the child and maybe some of
the grief that went with the divorce. But here are
(11:17):
these three children now who are adults with whom she
wants to have a loving relationships, and she wants them
to be walking with God. And apparently none of them are. Uh,
it's very, very difficult. I think this again, we cannot
make our adult children follow God, and even God doesn't
(11:37):
make people follow him. You know, God gives us freedom
as individuals to choose. And if I could just remind
you that God's first two children, Adam and Eve, went
wrong and they had a perfect father, God. And yet
they made the wrong decision that affected the rest of
their lives and our lives as well. So first of all,
(12:01):
I would say, don't necessarily blame yourself for the decisions
that your adult children are making. At the same time,
if you look back and realize that there were things
where you did fail them and you just you, you know,
you just realize, well, I should have done this or
that or the other thing. It's fine to say to them,
you know, I've been looking back and thinking about our
(12:22):
life together, and I've realized there were some places where
I feel like I really fail you. Or if you're
talking to one of them or you guys or, you know,
all three of you if you're talking together. But I
want to get your opinion. As you look back on
our family through the years, how do you view it
and what were the negatives and the positives that you saw? Wow.
(12:45):
If you take that kind of approach and open up
the door, they'll probably tell you things and what they
say may hurt you, because they may say some pretty
harsh things about what you did or didn't do along
the way, but hear them. Hear them out. You've taken
that approach to say, I've been thinking about our lives
together and some of my failures along the way, and
(13:06):
here are 2 or 3 things that I know where
I feel like I failed. What do you what do
you guys think? That can be the start of opening
the door to having conversations. And if they point out
some of those things, then you listen. Don't defend yourself.
Don't don't try to excuse anything that they bring up.
Just say I can see I can see how you'd
(13:27):
feel that way. I can see how you'd respond that way.
S5 (13:30):
Wow, that's really hard, though, isn't it?
S1 (13:33):
Yeah. Really hard. And it may be that you'll need
somebody with you. A counselor type person with you, helping you,
you know, have such a conversation because that's a huge conversation.
But we don't make things better if we if we
don't have conversations. Of course, if your daughter's cut you
off and doesn't even want to talk to you, then
you can't have that kind of conversation with her. But
(13:54):
you could perhaps do it with your sons. Your sons
would probably tell the daughter, well, you know what mother did.
S6 (14:01):
Right? Yeah, well, I have discussed things with my daughter,
and she totally blames me. She does blame her father, too,
because after we split up, he was not involved with
his children at all. She attacks. I mean, it's literally
like when it comes out of her, it's peppered with
lots of bad language accusations. And I never did anything right. Yeah.
(14:25):
And she says, I understand it's because of what you
were dealing with, but, you know, and so it's just
very difficult.
S1 (14:33):
Oh, I can see that. And it may be you're
at a point where you have to release her at
this point because she's already saying she doesn't want to,
you know, talk with you anymore. Doesn't want you in
her life anymore. And you may just have to say, God,
I don't know what else I can do. So I
want to release her to you, and I pray for her. Yes.
Always pray you know that God will work in her
(14:55):
life or bring people into her life that may have
a positive influence on her. And, you know, because you
probably have done what you can do at this point.
And until she's open to come back and try to
rebuild the relationship.
S5 (15:09):
Well, this is building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman. We're
talking about your new life with adult children. There is
so much in this book I think will resonate with
you and help as you deal with some of the
issues that we're talking about today. We have the book
linked at the website, Building relationships.us. Next up in Indiana,
(15:30):
Eva is on the line. Hi, Eva.
S7 (15:32):
Hi. I was just wondering. My son, he's not a
Christian and neither is his living girlfriend. I was just wondering,
as a Christian, how should I treat them? I really
like her and my temptation is to treat her like
a daughter. She could become the mother of my grandchildren someday.
I just want to know, what should I do?
S5 (15:54):
Mm.
S1 (15:55):
I think you're moving in the right direction. I think
to treat her with dignity and respect and and express
love to her, you know, and seek to get to
know her, you know, as as you have conversations with her,
asking her about her family and how life was growing
up and just get to know everything you can about her.
You know, people appreciate somebody that will take time to
(16:17):
ask questions about their lives and to and to listen
to those, to those answers. And so I think building
a positive attitude in her and letting her know you
care about her. Your son knows that your preference would
not be for him to be living with somebody before
he gets married, but that's your preference. And of course,
(16:37):
I believe that's a biblical pattern as well. But we're
not here to, you know, hit people over the head
who are sinning. You know, Jesus, when he encountered sinners,
he extended love to them. He extended, you know, a
positive spirit to them and had a relationship with them.
So that's what we want to do. So I think
I think you're moving in the right direction. And if
(16:58):
they get married, you know, of course they could have
a child before they get married. And again, rather than
condemning that for them, for that, you know, I think
you pray for them and you stand ready to help
them with that child. And but usually if they have
a child, they, they go ahead and get married. And
and that would be ideal, of course, in the situation.
(17:20):
But you're keeping an open door to her and loving
her because I don't know what kind of childhood she had.
But I think asking her questions about her mom and
dad and all that sort of thing, her brothers and sisters,
just to get to know her better and let her
know and her education, her schooling and all that kind
of stuff. Building a relationship with sinners. I mean, that's
(17:40):
that's the way we have an influence on sinners is
letting people know we love them. And that's what Jesus said.
Love them the way I loved you when you were
a sinner.
S5 (17:49):
Yeah. Yeah. Get it? Eva. So what is what is
the tension, then? Is it. Are there other people in
your life who are saying, well, you, you know, you
got to condemn them or you've got to tell them
the truth or that kind of thing?
S7 (18:02):
Well, I'm just wondering if they ever do get married.
How what do I do differently? How can I reward
them for doing something different that I approve of? How
do things change after they get married?
S1 (18:17):
Ah, well, I think officially then she is your daughter
in law, and the fact that you have kept the
door open and had a positive relationship with her before
they got married is an asset for sure. And that's
the same thing is true, of course, with your son
keeping an open door with him as well. And I think,
you know, if they choose to get married, then wonderful.
(18:38):
You know, I'm really happy to hear that you all
decided to get married. That's wonderful. And I want you
to know I'm with you in that. So we walk
with our adult children wherever they walk. We want to
walk with them rather than cutting them off. If they
cut us off, you know, then that's a different story.
We can't keep them from cutting us off, but we
(18:59):
don't want to cut them off. We want to stand
with open doors.
S5 (19:03):
Is there ever a time when you do make the
hard decision and say, I love you too much to
let you keep going this way, and I can't, I
can't have you live here or I can't have you
talking that way to me, or we're not going to
have the same relationship any time that a parent can
say that.
S1 (19:23):
Yeah, I think that can be a loving statement. It
depends on what they're doing. Like if they're still living
at home and they're violating the first thing, if they're
going to be living at home is an adult, you
need to have conversation about, why are we doing this?
You know, you're 30 years old now. Why? Why are
why are we doing this? And let them share what
(19:44):
their perspective is on on ask him to come home
or wanting to come home. And, uh, but if they
do come home, then we have to discuss now what
are going to be the guidelines here. Because, you know,
I have to be concerned about my health and your
dad about his health and you about your health. And obviously,
we can't be laying awake at night wondering, well, where
is he? And are you going to come home drunk
(20:05):
and and knock the door down or, you know, have
to have some guidelines here and have some sanity here. So, yeah,
there's a place for, for a parent to take what
I'm calling most people call tough love. You know, I
love you too much to simply allow you to do this. Uh, here,
here in the house. Now, if you want to leave
(20:26):
and go do it yourself and live on your own life,
then that's fine. But I want. I want to help you.
And while you're here, for example, if they don't have
a job or they don't have talents. If you want
to go to the technical school and learn, learn a
trade so you can get a good job, fine. We're
happy to have you here for this time, and we'll
do everything we can to help you do that, because
(20:48):
I know you want to be an independent adult, and
that's what we want you to be. So anything we
can do to help you become independent, then we certainly
want to do it.
S5 (20:59):
Rob is on the line. Rob. Go ahead. What's your question?
S2 (21:03):
Yeah. Hi, Chris. And, uh, and Gary, thanks for your time.
I've got an adult son who's 30 years old. He's
got a wife and two boys. They moved down. I
live in Indiana, and they moved down to Florida probably
about 7 or 8 years ago. And he got hooked
up with a false religion. Uh, it's a cult. Has
(21:26):
a fake Jesus and everything through a coworker. The church
goes right from the Bible. They're very legalistic. They have
him in the Bible, doing all kinds of work throughout
the week and stuff, and they've got him feeling he's
solid in God, but it's a complete false Christ. And
his mother and I were Christians growing up, and we
(21:46):
raised him not in the church every day, but he
knows he's been in the church, and he knows about
God and Jesus. And it's just the last probably six
months to a year, he and I stopped completely. We
had it out one day and he said, look, if
you if you can't never mention this again, then I'm
not going to talk to you ever again. And so
(22:07):
we went for a while not speaking. And then he
came back a little while later, about a month ago,
and kind of apologized, and I did as well. But
we still can't talk about it. He I know he's
still in it. Yeah, there's plenty of stuff that I've
his mom and I have tried to send him. You know,
there's plenty on the internet if you just go look,
there's plenty of proof. But he he's so tied up
(22:30):
in thinking, I don't know if it's his generation or
whatever saying, you know, my truth is my truth and
there can be different ways and not just one way.
I don't know what it is. Yeah, but I've got
a little bit of a window. I think I just
don't know how to deal with that, because anytime I
talk to him, I can't mention anything about religion or
we're done.
S1 (22:49):
Yeah.
S5 (22:50):
Yeah, but the door is open, isn't that. That's positive. Right, Gary?
S1 (22:54):
Yeah. I think the very fact that he is open
to talking with you, I would just talk about other things,
you know, a lot a lot of other things to
talk about and having more conversations with him about other
topics without condemning him for where he is, you know. Yes.
It hurts. No question about it. As Christian parents, we
want our kids to be following Christ. You're not off
(23:16):
on some tangent, but you've already shared. You know, you've
already gone through that. You've already communicated how you feel
about all of that, and you've given him things to
read and that sort of thing. I would just say,
let's try to cultivate life apart from the religious thing
and be friends because we can be friends with non-Christians.
(23:36):
You know, we can be friends with non-Christians even if
they're not our children. So we can be friends with
our children even if they are not following Christ. So
I would just seek to do things. And if they
have children, if they allow you to do things with
their children, vacation or go visit with them or those
kind of things and just try to enjoy life apart
(23:57):
from that issue, and pray that God will work in
their hearts to open their eyes, to see the falsity
of the religion that they're following.
S4 (24:11):
This is the building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast.
He's the New York Times bestselling author of the Five
Love Languages. You can find us online at Building Relationships.
Just take it easy assessment of your love language and
see when Gary might be coming to your area for
a seminar. our featured resource. Today is Your New Life
(24:33):
with Adult Children a practical guide to what helps, what hurts,
and what heals. Just go to building relationships us to
find out more.
S5 (24:44):
One more aspect of that question by Rob Gary. You know,
a mom or a dad who's listening and their child
has gone away either to as an atheist, you know,
moving away from God or they've gone into some kind
of cult and they believe something different about God or
different religion altogether. What else? Is there anything else you
(25:05):
wanted to say?
S1 (25:06):
Yeah, I would just say a couple of other things. Chris,
the son has made the decision that this is what
he's doing right now. He's involved in this cultic group,
and you've already shared fully everything you can say to
him and tried to give him things to read about it.
You're probably not the one that God is going to
use to turn him around. And he said to you,
I don't want to have a conversation with you anymore.
(25:28):
If this is the only thing you're going to talk about,
I would say keep the road open for communication about
other things. I said that, but I want to emphasize
it because if he's into some kind of sports, you
get into that kind. If he's on with a team,
you watch the team when he's watching it down in
Florida and talk about the team, because if he can
(25:48):
have a relationship with you on other topics and and
see that, you know, you're going to let him be
an adult, let him make his choices religious wise, you
you're still having a positive influence because you're doing things together,
talking together about things he's interested in. So rather than
just closing the door, which is what he says he's
(26:09):
going to do, if this is all you're going to
talk about, I think we pray that God would use
some other people in his life, and prayer is powerful.
I remember a man just recently had talked to his
daughter in four years, but he had been praying. He
had some of his close friends praying that God would
work in her heart. She wouldn't respond to anything. And
(26:29):
one day she called him and said, I'd like to
come down and visit and have a conversation with you.
And the whole thing began to turn around. So he
already knows how you feel about the cult he's in.
Just keep the door open by having conversations about other things,
so that if God brings things into his life that
cause him to turn around, he will be free. And
(26:50):
wanting to talk with you again about the religious part
of life.
S5 (26:54):
With Doctor Gary Chapman. Next up is Ellie. Hi, Ellie.
Go right ahead.
S8 (26:59):
Hi. Um, thank you for taking my call. Um, I'm
calling because, um, like the previous caller, I have, um,
children that are not, um, walking with the Lord and
will specifically with my oldest son. He's called me on
several occasions to, like, reach out to me and ask
me for, you know, to help him with, like, his
(27:21):
advice and his relationship. And most recently, he called me
and he was, um, he shared with me that, um, he,
his girlfriend may be pregnant, and he wanted me to
make sure that she was going to go through with
an abortion. I explained to him, like, you know, because
of my faith, you know, like, I can't do that.
(27:43):
He got really angry and he was like, getting upset.
He's like, well, if you don't do this for me,
he's like, I'm never going to speak to you again.
And I was like, that's okay, Christian. I'm like, you
don't have to talk. You know, you don't have to, um,
talk to me. I said, but I love you and
I'm here for you. I was like, And I'm going
to keep praying for you. And he's like, I don't
want to hear that. So, like, I don't know what
to do.
S1 (28:03):
Yeah. Well, I think there's a sense in what you've
done is good. You've been kind, but you've told him
I can't do something that I just don't believe is right.
And the fact that he's responding that way, you know,
shows his own immaturity, not allowing you to be the
person you are. So if he cuts off, you know,
(28:23):
conversations simply because you won't try to talk his girlfriend
into having an abortion. That's his decision. And I think
you just pray that God will guide him, you know,
because there there are plenty of other places. If she's
going to get an abortion, she can turn there. Who
will welcome her into to do what we believe is wrong.
But I think what you said was good. I love you,
(28:44):
you know I'll always love you. And I think you
keep that stance. Chances are, when he gets through the
trauma of all of this, whatever happens, whether she gives
birth to the child or whether she aborts the child
when he gets through all of this, they may or
may not continue their relationship. But somewhere along the line,
as he works through all of that, he probably is
(29:05):
going to be open to reach back to you again,
you know, and re-establish a relationship. So I think in
the meantime, you just pray that God will give them
wisdom in this area. God will bring people into their lives,
that will give them wise counsel in this area. And
whatever decision they make, you keep the doors open, that
whenever he wants to talk to you about anything or
(29:25):
come back home and visit you, he's always welcome because
you love him. The meantime, put him in God's hands.
S5 (29:32):
It sounds to me, Ellie, that your son is. There's
a lot of fear there that he's been wrapped up
in this all. How much? How afraid he is. And
he's lashing out at you. And you don't do what
he wants you to do. Then he lashes out at
you because that fear has taken hold of him. Does
(29:52):
that make sense?
S6 (29:53):
Yeah.
S8 (29:54):
And, um, she actually texted me because, like, I'm afraid
that they're, like, in a in an unhealthy relationship that
may or may not be abusive. I don't know, because
I really don't have communication. But she actually texted me
and she told me she's like, um, can you please
tell your son to leave my family and I alone? Um,
(30:14):
that we're going through this difficult situation and and that
to respect my decision. So I'm honestly praying and, you know,
just asking God, you know, if she does, if you
know she is pregnant, you know, not to go through
with the abortion. And then, um, I am also grateful,
you know, that I have my prayer warriors by my
side that are also helping me pray, you know, for
(30:37):
this situation. But, yeah, um, I don't know if I
should reach out to her or just like, just, you know,
not do anything.
S5 (30:46):
Do you think she wants the baby? Do you think
she wants to keep the baby?
S8 (30:50):
I think she does. I think she does.
S5 (30:53):
That's what it sounds like.
S1 (30:54):
That's my impression. Yeah. Yeah. She says you ask your
son to leave me and my family alone because your
son wants. He wants to get rid of what he
feels like. It's going to be a burden on him.
But she has a belief of keeping a baby. So
I just say, yeah, your son's going through some trauma.
Just give him time to work through this. But chances
(31:17):
are that relationship's going to break up if she has
the baby. That's my guess.
S9 (31:22):
Thank you. Thank you so much, Chris.
S8 (31:24):
And Doctor Chapman.
S5 (31:26):
Hi, Paula. Go right ahead.
S10 (31:28):
Hi. Thank you for taking my call. And I just
loved your show through the years. And of course, I've
read a lot of Doctor Chapman's books, and I just
I'm so thankful for them. I have an adult daughter
who I had tedious relationship with through the years. We
had an alcoholic family that found recovery, but it did
(31:49):
its damage. I just wanted to give God praise because
my daughter got married a year and a half ago,
and that changed the dynamics, which was so good. Now
I have a son in law. God multiplies. He doesn't
take away, which is just lovely. I felt like it
was a loss because I wouldn't have as much time
(32:10):
with her, but he turned it around. The Lord did.
And then now she's pregnant and having a baby, and
she's calling me and wanting me to talk and to
ask how she's doing, and she's not getting that from
anyone else. And what a blessing it is that she's
connecting with me regularly and calling. And I'm calling back
(32:32):
or I'm calling her. Oh my goodness, it's so lovely.
And I just want to give God praise for new seasons.
You know, we all go through a seasons. They can
be really difficult. And I wish I had that shirt
that the lady was speaking about.
S11 (32:48):
I pray, pray, pray, pray.
S10 (32:49):
That's all I seem to do. But God listens and
he really moves. I'll tell you.
S5 (32:53):
Yeah, I love that. You know, and you can hear
the you can hear in a voice. Gary, in Paula's voice.
This just the the hope that the hope realized in
a sense. Right?
S1 (33:05):
Absolutely, absolutely. You know, when we when we take a
loving response to our children or grandchildren, no matter what's
going on, we are an instrument in the hand of God.
And I like that thing. My love language is prayer.
You know, I wrote a book called God Speaks Your
Love Language and one of them involves prayer. Words of
affirmation involves prayer to God. You know, we're talking to God.
(33:29):
And when you read the scriptures and listen to him,
you're having a conversation with God, which is quality time. So,
so prayer. Prayer is certainly an expression of love. Love
to God because God wants to have a relationship with us,
not just going to church on Sunday. He wants to
be talking to us and us listening throughout the week.
But yeah, I'm excited for you. What you experience you've
(33:51):
had there, because God has a way of touching hearts
and opening hearts, and the fact that you can have
a relationship now with your grandchild as well as your child, uh,
that's that's music to any mother's heart.
S5 (34:05):
Paula, what you just said is just a little dose
of hope, you know, a spoonful of sugar and all
that stuff. Just a little dose of hope for a
mom or a dad who's out there saying, boy, I
wish I had Ahead what Paul is talking about. You
don't know what's going to happen in that son or
daughter's life. And she mentioned the son in law now
(34:26):
that she has and that that's been a positive thing
in the family, it kind of turned things around. That
doesn't always happen either, because sometimes the child will, adult
child gets married and there's friction in the family because
of the the in-laws. Right?
S1 (34:41):
Absolutely, Chris. You know, oftentimes the parent's not happy with
the person that they married. And, you know, I wish
you wouldn't have married them because of, you know, this
reason or that reason. And again, when you do that,
you just shut the door to having any influence on
them in the future because you're closing the door, you know.
And so that's, that's the that's the issue. We have
(35:02):
to leave the door open with our adult children or
our adult grandchildren, leave the door open so we can
have conversations even if we disagree. And, you know, we
can if you listen to them, you can. You can
eventually say, you know, I hear what you're saying. I
can see how that that makes sense to you. You know,
it doesn't mean we agree with them, but we're at
least acknowledging they have a brain, you know, and they
(35:25):
have thoughts, and we're acknowledging, you know, that they they
have those thoughts and you can see how it makes
sense to them. So when we do that, we leave
the door open for us to have a positive influence
over the over the years or months ahead.
S5 (35:40):
Next up is in Michigan. We're going to talk with Kelly. Hi, Kelly.
What's your question?
S12 (35:45):
Hello. Um, I, my husband and I have three adult
children ranging from 25 to 30. Um, we also have
a senior in high school, but my question is about
the older children. I do, I think, meet them where
they are in life, if you will, where I show
interest in the things that interest them, which leads to
(36:08):
open conversations about a variety of topics. Um, they do
tend to come to me first when they have a question,
even if it's something that might be generally a traditional
man's domain. When my husband asked me, you know, why
don't they come to him first? I don't know what
to say. Any advice?
S1 (36:34):
Well, you know, I don't have the full answer to that,
but it may well be that through the years, they've
just developed a closer relationship with you than him. Perhaps
because you've been more available, because he may have been
gone more, you know, they had more contact with you,
and maybe they also felt a little more acceptance, you know,
(36:55):
from you than they did him. I don't know that.
If that's true or not. But I understand his concern.
You know, he's thinking, well, why don't they come to me?
I'm the father, you know, so I can understand his concern. But,
you know. But there are dynamics like that. But but children,
adult children and younger children often relate more closely to
(37:16):
a mom or a dad. In either case, than they
do the other person. But it's probably because their personality
and the response they've had from that person makes them
just naturally kind of gravitate to them, as opposed to
the person that maybe they haven't had the same kind
of experience with. I don't know what the dynamics are
in that particular situation, but I would say you might
(37:38):
he might ask them that sometime.
S5 (37:40):
That was what I was going to say. If he
asks you that again, Kelly, you just say, I don't know.
Why don't you ask him? Yeah.
S1 (37:46):
Yeah, I think I think that I think that's a
good response. And if he did, they probably would. They
probably would, would say something as to what why why
they think that's the case.
S5 (37:56):
Do you think he feels hurt by this though? I mean,
is it is it not a jealousy thing? But in
one sense, I think he wants a relationship with them,
and he wants the kind of relationship you have with them.
And so that's kind of why he's bringing that up,
don't you think? Right.
S12 (38:13):
I would think so. And I really I've told him,
I said, we're not going to have the same relationship
with them. We're two different people. But I tell him
what works for me. I just don't know that that
works for him. So but I like your comment about
having him ask them.
S1 (38:32):
Yeah.
S12 (38:32):
As opposed to me trying to be some kind of
mediator between them.
S1 (38:36):
Yeah, I think that's a good idea.
S5 (38:38):
You know, the other thing that happens here a lot
of times, and this happened with my wife's dad and mom,
because her mom would always send the birthday cards and
she would always make the calls and, and those types
of things. So when Barbara, my mother in law, died,
all of a sudden, we, we started getting these cards
from George, you know, and and we'd get the birthday
(39:01):
cards and we'd get phone calls and we'd get these things.
And it was like he had leaned on her for
so long to be that connection point, you know, and
it was. And everything was going fine. It was going.
You know, it was nothing to nothing to fix there.
But then when she wasn't there, it was like, well,
I got to step up here. Yeah.
S1 (39:19):
And yeah.
S5 (39:19):
And I think in a lot of marriages, that's what happens.
One of them picks up the weight and the other
never gets in there. Does that make sense, Gary?
S1 (39:30):
Yeah, I think so. I think that's that's often the
case and it's just natural. You know, there's nothing wrong
with it necessarily. It's just that a mother does some things,
a father does other things. So the children connect with
the mother on certain areas, maybe other areas. If they
had a problem with their car, they might turn to
their father and ask his advice first. You know, about
what do I do about my car? Because they think
(39:52):
he probably knows more than you do, which may be
true or may not be true, right?
S5 (39:56):
Kelly, that's a great question. I'm glad you brought up that,
you know the difference between husbands and wives. Let's bring
it down to something as it's not as cataclysmic. Let's
just say you've got an adult child who's living at home,
and there's friction there about duties in the household. We've
heard a little bit of that even earlier today. What
(40:17):
how do you how do you live harmoniously with your
adult child who is either still there or has moved back?
S1 (40:24):
Well, I think, Chris, this is far more common today
than it was even 20 years ago. Either they don't
leave home as early as we thought they were going
to leave home, or they they move out. They go
to college, maybe they finish college, maybe they drop out
of college and they and they want to move back home.
Or maybe they get married and later on get divorced,
(40:47):
and they have a child and they say, you know,
mom can can I can my me and my child
come back? Can we come back and live with you all?
So it's very, very, uh, it just happens more today
than it used to happen. Okay. And so what I
try to do in this book is give parents practical
ideas on how to make the most of that. And
one of those ideas is let's let's find out, first
(41:08):
of all, what are the dynamics that is either keeping
that child in the home or bringing them back to
the home? And normally it's some things that have happened
in their lives. It may be depression, it may be
personality struggles that they're having. It may be that they've
lost a job. It may be anything they've gone through.
(41:29):
And home is a safe place and it just means positive.
On the positive side, you have another opportunity to invest
in their lives in a positive way. So I thank you,
welcome them. And then you very early on you just
sit down and talk about it okay. Now if this
is the problem then what can we do to help
(41:49):
you fix it? And if they've lost a job, it
might be helping them take a course at a local
technical college or something where they can learn a skill
that they're interested in. Maybe they majored in something in
college and it doesn't really help them get a job.
So and that's the problem. They need a job. So
whatever they're going through, if it's depression, okay, they probably
(42:13):
had some kind of traumatic experience. So look, we love you.
We want to help you through this. So we're willing
to pay for the counseling. And we want to together
try to find a good counselor so we can we'll
talk to our pastor or somebody. We'll find a good
counselor to help you walk through this. Because what we
want to do is be walking through it, not just
be sitting there like, this is going to be here forever.
(42:35):
We want to help them through whatever problem it is
that's brought them back, or that's keeping them there rather
than moving out. So because they really want to be
independent someday, you know, and we want to help them.
So we might have to help them through the hurdles
that they're dealing with.
S5 (42:53):
Yeah. And if you would like to find out more
about our featured resource, go to Building relationships.us. The title
of the book is Your New Life with Adult Children
A Practical Guide to what helps, what hurts, and what heels.
Find out more at building relationships.us. Gary, thank you for
coming alongside us today and for helping parents of adult
(43:16):
children who are struggling and those who had some turnarounds
as well. Keep doing what you're doing, friend.
S1 (43:22):
Well, it's great to be with you, Chris. I'm excited
about this book. I think it's going to help a
lot of parents.
S5 (43:27):
Now, next week, if you're a caregiver or you know
someone who's trying to love a family member who is
perhaps disabled, don't miss the encouragement from Jess Ronnie who
will share her story.
S4 (43:39):
Jess will talk about caregiving with grit and Grace next week.
Our thanks to Janice backing and Steve Wick for their
work behind the scenes. Also thanks to Ryan McConaughey and
Tricia McMillan. Building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman is a
production of Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers, a
ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.
There's a huge difference between raising those children when they're
younger and when they now become adults.
S2 (00:06):
I don't know if it's his generation or whatever saying,
you know, my truth is my truth.
S3 (00:10):
I was focused so much on her behavior that I
missed hearing her heart.
S4 (00:18):
Welcome to building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of
the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages. If
you're struggling with your relationship with your adult child, there's
help and hope for you today. Doctor Chapman has ideas
about what helps, what hurts, and what heals in that
relationship that might be strained.
S5 (00:38):
And this is one of those topics I know is
going to hit a nerve with a lot of listeners,
because the discussion you're about to hear took place on
a different program on Moody Radio. It's called Chris Fabry Live,
and we had such great callers and interaction that we
wanted to present that here today.
S4 (00:56):
If you go to Building Relationships us, you'll see the
featured resource today. Your New life with adult Children. It's
written by Doctor Chapman and Doctor Ross Campbell. Just go
to building relationships. Dot us.
S5 (01:09):
Gary, why don't you step back and give me kind
of the big fly over the why of this book?
Why do we need it today?
S1 (01:17):
Well, Chris, in the last several years, I have had
more parents of adult children in my counseling office than
ever in all the years past. And I don't know
if there's more actually going on, more problems going on now,
or if I'm just hearing more of it. But, you know,
they're in my office. Their adult children are making decisions
(01:38):
that are just devastating to the parents. And they're asking me,
what do I do? What can I do? Or they're
also saying, where did we fail? You know, where did
we fail? How is it possible that our child could
ever be doing whatever it is? You know? So I
just felt like, you know, it's it's time to really
address addressed that issue. Of course, you know, this is
(02:00):
I wrote a book on that a number of years ago,
but I just felt like it was time to do
a redo on that book. And so that's what we've done,
trying to help parents of adult children in today's world.
S5 (02:10):
Why do you think a lot of parents go there?
That it's my fault for what happened?
S1 (02:17):
Well, I think maybe because, you know, Chris, we as Christians,
you know, we we have the idea and there's some
reason for having that idea that if I will do
the right thing and I will teach them, you know,
the right way, they're not going to depart from it.
And because there's a scripture that says something like that,
you know, train up a child in the way he
should go when he is old, he will not depart
(02:38):
from it. And so I think parents kind of have
that in the back of their mind. And so if
a child turns out doing some things that they were
not taught growing up, they want to know, well, where
did we fail? You know, where did we fail? But
I don't think that verse means that we can determine
the outcome of our children and the actions of our children.
They will not depart from the influence of that, but
(02:59):
they may do things contrary to what we have taught them.
This is a reality.
S5 (03:04):
Yeah. Gary. We had a caller not long ago who
said that she had begun to relate to her adult children,
like she relates now to her coworkers, who are her
kids age. She tries to withhold judgment about her coworkers.
She'll ask questions, but she doesn't give unwanted advice. She
doesn't see their choices as kind of a reflection on her.
(03:27):
Does that make sense?
S1 (03:28):
Yeah, it does, Chris. And I think that's really, really important.
Parents have to recognize we are still their parents, to
be sure, but there's a huge difference between raising those
children when they're younger and when they now become adults.
And we want to keep the lines of communication open,
but we don't want to be telling them what to do.
(03:50):
You know, if you want this job, you better get
this application in today. Well, Yeah. They're feeling. Hey, I'm
not a kid, mom. Okay? Okay, I got it, mom,
I got it. You know, our dad. So we've got
to keep communication open. But we need to be sharing
ideas along the way. Sure, but share them as your
opinion and don't share them as, you know, God or
(04:14):
the parent of a little child. You've got to do
this because that just pushes them further away. And so
we have to we have to learn to listen. You
want to ask questions, whatever they're going through. You want
to ask questions and let them share what they want
to share. If they ask your advice, certainly give their advice,
but give it as your advice, not as this is
(04:36):
what you ought to do. We want to keep the
lines of communication open so we can have an influence,
a positive influence on our children, but not control them.
S5 (04:45):
Is it harder, do you think, this thing of adult
kids for moms than it is for dads? Or is
it just the same slash Different.
S1 (04:55):
I think moms may be more open to talk about it.
Or as you just said, say something. If they think
they can find help online. Then dads are. But I
think dads hearts are also broken many times. Many times.
S5 (05:09):
We're going to start in Cleveland, Ohio with Maureen. Hi, Maureen.
Go right ahead.
S3 (05:15):
Well, I just wanted to share about how God directed
me to let my granddaughter come back and live with
us so she could save money to get into an apartment.
And this had been a very, very difficult relationship. And
I have to take responsibility for that, because I was
(05:37):
focused so much on her behavior that I missed hearing
her heart so many times. And so I knew God
was giving me a second chance. He made it very clear.
He said we were to say yes, but I was
not to expect her to change. In fact, she could
even get worse. But he wanted to change me. And
(05:59):
that was for probably 18 months. And I was so
thankful for that foundation of hearing the Lord say, this
is not for her, it's for you. I need to
change you. And he did. All my goodness, I was
able to put into practice the whole thing about quick
(06:21):
to listen and slow to speak, because I realized so
often in that in the past I had fueled her
anger by continuing to talk and. But anyway, he just
did amazing things. And I'd just like to add a
PS I have been a procrastinator, but my daughter got
(06:43):
me a shirt that says my love language is prayer.
S5 (06:48):
Prayer. I love, I like that.
S3 (06:51):
That's exactly what has happened in the last three years,
I would say is I love praying for people and
with people, especially with people. So my love language really
is prayer.
S5 (07:05):
You know what I take away, mostly from your call, Maureen,
is how you and this can go with a grandchild
or it can go with your adult child. You focus
on behavior and you miss their heart. That speaks to me. Gary,
what about you?
S1 (07:19):
Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. So it's so exciting to hear what
she's saying. And I really appreciate you calling and letting
us know that, because that's precisely what God wants to
do in all of us. We're his representatives. Listen, God
loves the unlovely. God loves people. I don't care what
they've done. And we're his representatives. And Jesus said, you
(07:41):
know you love as I have loved you. And so
when we express love to a grandchild or an adult
child of our own, when they're doing things that we
just feel so badly about. You know, we we're not
following Jesus example. I'm glad for what you've done. And
you know, God will use it and some someday, if
(08:03):
she hasn't already. Chances are that granddaughter's going to come
back and be asking you for your advice about something
because she's seen you accepting her as she is and
she's going to be changing. We don't stay the same.
We're always grappling with new ideas and new thoughts. And so,
you know, she may get worse, she may get better.
But the chances are the fact that you have invited
her in to stay with you for those months is
(08:25):
a positive thing in her life and a positive thing
in your life. Obviously.
S5 (08:30):
Today's program is taken from two conversations I had with
Doctor Chapman about this topic on a weekday program on
Moody Radio. Let's take our next caller.
S6 (08:40):
I was calling because, oh man, I have three adult
children and they are all in their 30s And over
the years I've been very close with my boys. My
daughter has always been more volatile with me, and at
this point in their lives, my eldest son is living
(09:02):
a gay lifestyle. He did reveal this to me himself. Um,
my younger son is married and claims to be an
atheist and my daughter is extremely liberal like extreme. We
are at the moment not speaking due to political division
(09:22):
amongst many other things. She thinks she can speak to
me any old way swearing, telling me I was a
beep beep parent and etc. their dad and I separated
when the youngest was about 7 or 8 and my
eldest was around 15, and this was after we lost
our second born son and it affected the older two
(09:45):
boys more. We had the three boys then a daughter.
My daughter's grief is that she doesn't even remember her brother. But,
you know, these kids were raised in a church. Their
dad and I were married. We went to church. I
kind of fell away after my son died because I
was very angry with God. Um, I'm just at a loss,
(10:06):
I really am. I, you know, I pray for people.
I know that nobody would go to hell. And I
feel like my own children are walking a path that's
going to lead them there. So it's it's just very difficult.
I don't like not speaking to my daughter. She's always
been very, very strong willed. I don't know, she's never
(10:28):
acted like she liked me. You know, other families were
always better, etc..
S5 (10:34):
I you know, there's a lot of that I'm hearing
in your story, Natalie. A lot of trauma in there
with the divorce, with the loss of a son. And
and your kids have been through that as well. Uh.
And so I can hear and I know you hear
it in her voice. Gary, just this, uh, what would
you say to Natalie?
S1 (10:54):
Well, first of all, I would be very empathetic with
what she's saying, because anyone who's gone through all that
she just briefly described. I mean, it is traumatic to
go through all of that, and it's still going on.
I mean, you know, she's probably processed some of the grief,
you know, in losing the child and maybe some of
the grief that went with the divorce. But here are
(11:17):
these three children now who are adults with whom she
wants to have a loving relationships, and she wants them
to be walking with God. And apparently none of them are. Uh,
it's very, very difficult. I think this again, we cannot
make our adult children follow God, and even God doesn't
(11:37):
make people follow him. You know, God gives us freedom
as individuals to choose. And if I could just remind
you that God's first two children, Adam and Eve, went
wrong and they had a perfect father, God. And yet
they made the wrong decision that affected the rest of
their lives and our lives as well. So first of all,
(12:01):
I would say, don't necessarily blame yourself for the decisions
that your adult children are making. At the same time,
if you look back and realize that there were things
where you did fail them and you just you, you know,
you just realize, well, I should have done this or
that or the other thing. It's fine to say to them,
you know, I've been looking back and thinking about our
(12:22):
life together, and I've realized there were some places where
I feel like I really fail you. Or if you're
talking to one of them or you guys or, you know,
all three of you if you're talking together. But I
want to get your opinion. As you look back on
our family through the years, how do you view it
and what were the negatives and the positives that you saw? Wow.
(12:45):
If you take that kind of approach and open up
the door, they'll probably tell you things and what they
say may hurt you, because they may say some pretty
harsh things about what you did or didn't do along
the way, but hear them. Hear them out. You've taken
that approach to say, I've been thinking about our lives
together and some of my failures along the way, and
(13:06):
here are 2 or 3 things that I know where
I feel like I failed. What do you what do
you guys think? That can be the start of opening
the door to having conversations. And if they point out
some of those things, then you listen. Don't defend yourself.
Don't don't try to excuse anything that they bring up.
Just say I can see I can see how you'd
(13:27):
feel that way. I can see how you'd respond that way.
S5 (13:30):
Wow, that's really hard, though, isn't it?
S1 (13:33):
Yeah. Really hard. And it may be that you'll need
somebody with you. A counselor type person with you, helping you,
you know, have such a conversation because that's a huge conversation.
But we don't make things better if we if we
don't have conversations. Of course, if your daughter's cut you
off and doesn't even want to talk to you, then
you can't have that kind of conversation with her. But
(13:54):
you could perhaps do it with your sons. Your sons
would probably tell the daughter, well, you know what mother did.
S6 (14:01):
Right? Yeah, well, I have discussed things with my daughter,
and she totally blames me. She does blame her father, too,
because after we split up, he was not involved with
his children at all. She attacks. I mean, it's literally
like when it comes out of her, it's peppered with
lots of bad language accusations. And I never did anything right. Yeah.
(14:25):
And she says, I understand it's because of what you
were dealing with, but, you know, and so it's just
very difficult.
S1 (14:33):
Oh, I can see that. And it may be you're
at a point where you have to release her at
this point because she's already saying she doesn't want to,
you know, talk with you anymore. Doesn't want you in
her life anymore. And you may just have to say, God,
I don't know what else I can do. So I
want to release her to you, and I pray for her. Yes.
Always pray you know that God will work in her
(14:55):
life or bring people into her life that may have
a positive influence on her. And, you know, because you
probably have done what you can do at this point.
And until she's open to come back and try to
rebuild the relationship.
S5 (15:09):
Well, this is building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman. We're
talking about your new life with adult children. There is
so much in this book I think will resonate with
you and help as you deal with some of the
issues that we're talking about today. We have the book
linked at the website, Building relationships.us. Next up in Indiana,
(15:30):
Eva is on the line. Hi, Eva.
S7 (15:32):
Hi. I was just wondering. My son, he's not a
Christian and neither is his living girlfriend. I was just wondering,
as a Christian, how should I treat them? I really
like her and my temptation is to treat her like
a daughter. She could become the mother of my grandchildren someday.
I just want to know, what should I do?
S5 (15:54):
Mm.
S1 (15:55):
I think you're moving in the right direction. I think
to treat her with dignity and respect and and express
love to her, you know, and seek to get to
know her, you know, as as you have conversations with her,
asking her about her family and how life was growing
up and just get to know everything you can about her.
You know, people appreciate somebody that will take time to
(16:17):
ask questions about their lives and to and to listen
to those, to those answers. And so I think building
a positive attitude in her and letting her know you
care about her. Your son knows that your preference would
not be for him to be living with somebody before
he gets married, but that's your preference. And of course,
(16:37):
I believe that's a biblical pattern as well. But we're
not here to, you know, hit people over the head
who are sinning. You know, Jesus, when he encountered sinners,
he extended love to them. He extended, you know, a
positive spirit to them and had a relationship with them.
So that's what we want to do. So I think
I think you're moving in the right direction. And if
(16:58):
they get married, you know, of course they could have
a child before they get married. And again, rather than
condemning that for them, for that, you know, I think
you pray for them and you stand ready to help
them with that child. And but usually if they have
a child, they, they go ahead and get married. And
and that would be ideal, of course, in the situation.
(17:20):
But you're keeping an open door to her and loving
her because I don't know what kind of childhood she had.
But I think asking her questions about her mom and
dad and all that sort of thing, her brothers and sisters,
just to get to know her better and let her
know and her education, her schooling and all that kind
of stuff. Building a relationship with sinners. I mean, that's
(17:40):
that's the way we have an influence on sinners is
letting people know we love them. And that's what Jesus said.
Love them the way I loved you when you were
a sinner.
S5 (17:49):
Yeah. Yeah. Get it? Eva. So what is what is
the tension, then? Is it. Are there other people in
your life who are saying, well, you, you know, you
got to condemn them or you've got to tell them
the truth or that kind of thing?
S7 (18:02):
Well, I'm just wondering if they ever do get married.
How what do I do differently? How can I reward
them for doing something different that I approve of? How
do things change after they get married?
S1 (18:17):
Ah, well, I think officially then she is your daughter
in law, and the fact that you have kept the
door open and had a positive relationship with her before
they got married is an asset for sure. And that's
the same thing is true, of course, with your son
keeping an open door with him as well. And I think,
you know, if they choose to get married, then wonderful.
(18:38):
You know, I'm really happy to hear that you all
decided to get married. That's wonderful. And I want you
to know I'm with you in that. So we walk
with our adult children wherever they walk. We want to
walk with them rather than cutting them off. If they
cut us off, you know, then that's a different story.
We can't keep them from cutting us off, but we
(18:59):
don't want to cut them off. We want to stand
with open doors.
S5 (19:03):
Is there ever a time when you do make the
hard decision and say, I love you too much to
let you keep going this way, and I can't, I
can't have you live here or I can't have you
talking that way to me, or we're not going to
have the same relationship any time that a parent can
say that.
S1 (19:23):
Yeah, I think that can be a loving statement. It
depends on what they're doing. Like if they're still living
at home and they're violating the first thing, if they're
going to be living at home is an adult, you
need to have conversation about, why are we doing this?
You know, you're 30 years old now. Why? Why are
why are we doing this? And let them share what
(19:44):
their perspective is on on ask him to come home
or wanting to come home. And, uh, but if they
do come home, then we have to discuss now what
are going to be the guidelines here. Because, you know,
I have to be concerned about my health and your
dad about his health and you about your health. And obviously,
we can't be laying awake at night wondering, well, where
is he? And are you going to come home drunk
(20:05):
and and knock the door down or, you know, have
to have some guidelines here and have some sanity here. So, yeah,
there's a place for, for a parent to take what
I'm calling most people call tough love. You know, I
love you too much to simply allow you to do this. Uh, here,
here in the house. Now, if you want to leave
(20:26):
and go do it yourself and live on your own life,
then that's fine. But I want. I want to help you.
And while you're here, for example, if they don't have
a job or they don't have talents. If you want
to go to the technical school and learn, learn a
trade so you can get a good job, fine. We're
happy to have you here for this time, and we'll
do everything we can to help you do that, because
(20:48):
I know you want to be an independent adult, and
that's what we want you to be. So anything we
can do to help you become independent, then we certainly
want to do it.
S5 (20:59):
Rob is on the line. Rob. Go ahead. What's your question?
S2 (21:03):
Yeah. Hi, Chris. And, uh, and Gary, thanks for your time.
I've got an adult son who's 30 years old. He's
got a wife and two boys. They moved down. I
live in Indiana, and they moved down to Florida probably
about 7 or 8 years ago. And he got hooked
up with a false religion. Uh, it's a cult. Has
(21:26):
a fake Jesus and everything through a coworker. The church
goes right from the Bible. They're very legalistic. They have
him in the Bible, doing all kinds of work throughout
the week and stuff, and they've got him feeling he's
solid in God, but it's a complete false Christ. And
his mother and I were Christians growing up, and we
(21:46):
raised him not in the church every day, but he
knows he's been in the church, and he knows about
God and Jesus. And it's just the last probably six
months to a year, he and I stopped completely. We
had it out one day and he said, look, if
you if you can't never mention this again, then I'm
not going to talk to you ever again. And so
(22:07):
we went for a while not speaking. And then he
came back a little while later, about a month ago,
and kind of apologized, and I did as well. But
we still can't talk about it. He I know he's
still in it. Yeah, there's plenty of stuff that I've
his mom and I have tried to send him. You know,
there's plenty on the internet if you just go look,
there's plenty of proof. But he he's so tied up
(22:30):
in thinking, I don't know if it's his generation or
whatever saying, you know, my truth is my truth and
there can be different ways and not just one way.
I don't know what it is. Yeah, but I've got
a little bit of a window. I think I just
don't know how to deal with that, because anytime I
talk to him, I can't mention anything about religion or
we're done.
S1 (22:49):
Yeah.
S5 (22:50):
Yeah, but the door is open, isn't that. That's positive. Right, Gary?
S1 (22:54):
Yeah. I think the very fact that he is open
to talking with you, I would just talk about other things,
you know, a lot a lot of other things to
talk about and having more conversations with him about other
topics without condemning him for where he is, you know. Yes.
It hurts. No question about it. As Christian parents, we
want our kids to be following Christ. You're not off
(23:16):
on some tangent, but you've already shared. You know, you've
already gone through that. You've already communicated how you feel
about all of that, and you've given him things to
read and that sort of thing. I would just say,
let's try to cultivate life apart from the religious thing
and be friends because we can be friends with non-Christians.
(23:36):
You know, we can be friends with non-Christians even if
they're not our children. So we can be friends with
our children even if they are not following Christ. So
I would just seek to do things. And if they
have children, if they allow you to do things with
their children, vacation or go visit with them or those
kind of things and just try to enjoy life apart
(23:57):
from that issue, and pray that God will work in
their hearts to open their eyes, to see the falsity
of the religion that they're following.
S4 (24:11):
This is the building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast.
He's the New York Times bestselling author of the Five
Love Languages. You can find us online at Building Relationships.
Just take it easy assessment of your love language and
see when Gary might be coming to your area for
a seminar. our featured resource. Today is Your New Life
(24:33):
with Adult Children a practical guide to what helps, what hurts,
and what heals. Just go to building relationships us to
find out more.
S5 (24:44):
One more aspect of that question by Rob Gary. You know,
a mom or a dad who's listening and their child
has gone away either to as an atheist, you know,
moving away from God or they've gone into some kind
of cult and they believe something different about God or
different religion altogether. What else? Is there anything else you
(25:05):
wanted to say?
S1 (25:06):
Yeah, I would just say a couple of other things. Chris,
the son has made the decision that this is what
he's doing right now. He's involved in this cultic group,
and you've already shared fully everything you can say to
him and tried to give him things to read about it.
You're probably not the one that God is going to
use to turn him around. And he said to you,
I don't want to have a conversation with you anymore.
(25:28):
If this is the only thing you're going to talk about,
I would say keep the road open for communication about
other things. I said that, but I want to emphasize
it because if he's into some kind of sports, you
get into that kind. If he's on with a team,
you watch the team when he's watching it down in
Florida and talk about the team, because if he can
(25:48):
have a relationship with you on other topics and and
see that, you know, you're going to let him be
an adult, let him make his choices religious wise, you
you're still having a positive influence because you're doing things together,
talking together about things he's interested in. So rather than
just closing the door, which is what he says he's
(26:09):
going to do, if this is all you're going to
talk about, I think we pray that God would use
some other people in his life, and prayer is powerful.
I remember a man just recently had talked to his
daughter in four years, but he had been praying. He
had some of his close friends praying that God would
work in her heart. She wouldn't respond to anything. And
(26:29):
one day she called him and said, I'd like to
come down and visit and have a conversation with you.
And the whole thing began to turn around. So he
already knows how you feel about the cult he's in.
Just keep the door open by having conversations about other things,
so that if God brings things into his life that
cause him to turn around, he will be free. And
(26:50):
wanting to talk with you again about the religious part
of life.
S5 (26:54):
With Doctor Gary Chapman. Next up is Ellie. Hi, Ellie.
Go right ahead.
S8 (26:59):
Hi. Um, thank you for taking my call. Um, I'm
calling because, um, like the previous caller, I have, um,
children that are not, um, walking with the Lord and
will specifically with my oldest son. He's called me on
several occasions to, like, reach out to me and ask
me for, you know, to help him with, like, his
(27:21):
advice and his relationship. And most recently, he called me
and he was, um, he shared with me that, um, he,
his girlfriend may be pregnant, and he wanted me to
make sure that she was going to go through with
an abortion. I explained to him, like, you know, because
of my faith, you know, like, I can't do that.
(27:43):
He got really angry and he was like, getting upset.
He's like, well, if you don't do this for me,
he's like, I'm never going to speak to you again.
And I was like, that's okay, Christian. I'm like, you
don't have to talk. You know, you don't have to, um,
talk to me. I said, but I love you and
I'm here for you. I was like, And I'm going
to keep praying for you. And he's like, I don't
want to hear that. So, like, I don't know what
to do.
S1 (28:03):
Yeah. Well, I think there's a sense in what you've
done is good. You've been kind, but you've told him
I can't do something that I just don't believe is right.
And the fact that he's responding that way, you know,
shows his own immaturity, not allowing you to be the
person you are. So if he cuts off, you know,
(28:23):
conversations simply because you won't try to talk his girlfriend
into having an abortion. That's his decision. And I think
you just pray that God will guide him, you know,
because there there are plenty of other places. If she's
going to get an abortion, she can turn there. Who
will welcome her into to do what we believe is wrong.
But I think what you said was good. I love you,
(28:44):
you know I'll always love you. And I think you
keep that stance. Chances are, when he gets through the
trauma of all of this, whatever happens, whether she gives
birth to the child or whether she aborts the child
when he gets through all of this, they may or
may not continue their relationship. But somewhere along the line,
as he works through all of that, he probably is
(29:05):
going to be open to reach back to you again,
you know, and re-establish a relationship. So I think in
the meantime, you just pray that God will give them
wisdom in this area. God will bring people into their lives,
that will give them wise counsel in this area. And
whatever decision they make, you keep the doors open, that
whenever he wants to talk to you about anything or
(29:25):
come back home and visit you, he's always welcome because
you love him. The meantime, put him in God's hands.
S5 (29:32):
It sounds to me, Ellie, that your son is. There's
a lot of fear there that he's been wrapped up
in this all. How much? How afraid he is. And
he's lashing out at you. And you don't do what
he wants you to do. Then he lashes out at
you because that fear has taken hold of him. Does
(29:52):
that make sense?
S6 (29:53):
Yeah.
S8 (29:54):
And, um, she actually texted me because, like, I'm afraid
that they're, like, in a in an unhealthy relationship that
may or may not be abusive. I don't know, because
I really don't have communication. But she actually texted me
and she told me she's like, um, can you please
tell your son to leave my family and I alone? Um,
(30:14):
that we're going through this difficult situation and and that
to respect my decision. So I'm honestly praying and, you know,
just asking God, you know, if she does, if you
know she is pregnant, you know, not to go through
with the abortion. And then, um, I am also grateful,
you know, that I have my prayer warriors by my
side that are also helping me pray, you know, for
(30:37):
this situation. But, yeah, um, I don't know if I
should reach out to her or just like, just, you know,
not do anything.
S5 (30:46):
Do you think she wants the baby? Do you think
she wants to keep the baby?
S8 (30:50):
I think she does. I think she does.
S5 (30:53):
That's what it sounds like.
S1 (30:54):
That's my impression. Yeah. Yeah. She says you ask your
son to leave me and my family alone because your
son wants. He wants to get rid of what he
feels like. It's going to be a burden on him.
But she has a belief of keeping a baby. So
I just say, yeah, your son's going through some trauma.
Just give him time to work through this. But chances
(31:17):
are that relationship's going to break up if she has
the baby. That's my guess.
S9 (31:22):
Thank you. Thank you so much, Chris.
S8 (31:24):
And Doctor Chapman.
S5 (31:26):
Hi, Paula. Go right ahead.
S10 (31:28):
Hi. Thank you for taking my call. And I just
loved your show through the years. And of course, I've
read a lot of Doctor Chapman's books, and I just
I'm so thankful for them. I have an adult daughter
who I had tedious relationship with through the years. We
had an alcoholic family that found recovery, but it did
(31:49):
its damage. I just wanted to give God praise because
my daughter got married a year and a half ago,
and that changed the dynamics, which was so good. Now
I have a son in law. God multiplies. He doesn't
take away, which is just lovely. I felt like it
was a loss because I wouldn't have as much time
(32:10):
with her, but he turned it around. The Lord did.
And then now she's pregnant and having a baby, and
she's calling me and wanting me to talk and to
ask how she's doing, and she's not getting that from
anyone else. And what a blessing it is that she's
connecting with me regularly and calling. And I'm calling back
(32:32):
or I'm calling her. Oh my goodness, it's so lovely.
And I just want to give God praise for new seasons.
You know, we all go through a seasons. They can
be really difficult. And I wish I had that shirt
that the lady was speaking about.
S11 (32:48):
I pray, pray, pray, pray.
S10 (32:49):
That's all I seem to do. But God listens and
he really moves. I'll tell you.
S5 (32:53):
Yeah, I love that. You know, and you can hear
the you can hear in a voice. Gary, in Paula's voice.
This just the the hope that the hope realized in
a sense. Right?
S1 (33:05):
Absolutely, absolutely. You know, when we when we take a
loving response to our children or grandchildren, no matter what's
going on, we are an instrument in the hand of God.
And I like that thing. My love language is prayer.
You know, I wrote a book called God Speaks Your
Love Language and one of them involves prayer. Words of
affirmation involves prayer to God. You know, we're talking to God.
(33:29):
And when you read the scriptures and listen to him,
you're having a conversation with God, which is quality time. So,
so prayer. Prayer is certainly an expression of love. Love
to God because God wants to have a relationship with us,
not just going to church on Sunday. He wants to
be talking to us and us listening throughout the week.
But yeah, I'm excited for you. What you experience you've
(33:51):
had there, because God has a way of touching hearts
and opening hearts, and the fact that you can have
a relationship now with your grandchild as well as your child, uh,
that's that's music to any mother's heart.
S5 (34:05):
Paula, what you just said is just a little dose
of hope, you know, a spoonful of sugar and all
that stuff. Just a little dose of hope for a
mom or a dad who's out there saying, boy, I
wish I had Ahead what Paul is talking about. You
don't know what's going to happen in that son or
daughter's life. And she mentioned the son in law now
(34:26):
that she has and that that's been a positive thing
in the family, it kind of turned things around. That
doesn't always happen either, because sometimes the child will, adult
child gets married and there's friction in the family because
of the the in-laws. Right?
S1 (34:41):
Absolutely, Chris. You know, oftentimes the parent's not happy with
the person that they married. And, you know, I wish
you wouldn't have married them because of, you know, this
reason or that reason. And again, when you do that,
you just shut the door to having any influence on
them in the future because you're closing the door, you know.
And so that's, that's the that's the issue. We have
(35:02):
to leave the door open with our adult children or
our adult grandchildren, leave the door open so we can
have conversations even if we disagree. And, you know, we
can if you listen to them, you can. You can
eventually say, you know, I hear what you're saying. I
can see how that that makes sense to you. You know,
it doesn't mean we agree with them, but we're at
least acknowledging they have a brain, you know, and they
(35:25):
have thoughts, and we're acknowledging, you know, that they they
have those thoughts and you can see how it makes
sense to them. So when we do that, we leave
the door open for us to have a positive influence
over the over the years or months ahead.
S5 (35:40):
Next up is in Michigan. We're going to talk with Kelly. Hi, Kelly.
What's your question?
S12 (35:45):
Hello. Um, I, my husband and I have three adult
children ranging from 25 to 30. Um, we also have
a senior in high school, but my question is about
the older children. I do, I think, meet them where
they are in life, if you will, where I show
interest in the things that interest them, which leads to
(36:08):
open conversations about a variety of topics. Um, they do
tend to come to me first when they have a question,
even if it's something that might be generally a traditional
man's domain. When my husband asked me, you know, why
don't they come to him first? I don't know what
to say. Any advice?
S1 (36:34):
Well, you know, I don't have the full answer to that,
but it may well be that through the years, they've
just developed a closer relationship with you than him. Perhaps
because you've been more available, because he may have been
gone more, you know, they had more contact with you,
and maybe they also felt a little more acceptance, you know,
(36:55):
from you than they did him. I don't know that.
If that's true or not. But I understand his concern.
You know, he's thinking, well, why don't they come to me?
I'm the father, you know, so I can understand his concern. But,
you know. But there are dynamics like that. But but children,
adult children and younger children often relate more closely to
(37:16):
a mom or a dad. In either case, than they
do the other person. But it's probably because their personality
and the response they've had from that person makes them
just naturally kind of gravitate to them, as opposed to
the person that maybe they haven't had the same kind
of experience with. I don't know what the dynamics are
in that particular situation, but I would say you might
(37:38):
he might ask them that sometime.
S5 (37:40):
That was what I was going to say. If he
asks you that again, Kelly, you just say, I don't know.
Why don't you ask him? Yeah.
S1 (37:46):
Yeah, I think I think that I think that's a
good response. And if he did, they probably would. They
probably would, would say something as to what why why
they think that's the case.
S5 (37:56):
Do you think he feels hurt by this though? I mean,
is it is it not a jealousy thing? But in
one sense, I think he wants a relationship with them,
and he wants the kind of relationship you have with them.
And so that's kind of why he's bringing that up,
don't you think? Right.
S12 (38:13):
I would think so. And I really I've told him,
I said, we're not going to have the same relationship
with them. We're two different people. But I tell him
what works for me. I just don't know that that
works for him. So but I like your comment about
having him ask them.
S1 (38:32):
Yeah.
S12 (38:32):
As opposed to me trying to be some kind of
mediator between them.
S1 (38:36):
Yeah, I think that's a good idea.
S5 (38:38):
You know, the other thing that happens here a lot
of times, and this happened with my wife's dad and mom,
because her mom would always send the birthday cards and
she would always make the calls and, and those types
of things. So when Barbara, my mother in law, died,
all of a sudden, we, we started getting these cards
from George, you know, and and we'd get the birthday
(39:01):
cards and we'd get phone calls and we'd get these things.
And it was like he had leaned on her for
so long to be that connection point, you know, and
it was. And everything was going fine. It was going.
You know, it was nothing to nothing to fix there.
But then when she wasn't there, it was like, well,
I got to step up here. Yeah.
S1 (39:19):
And yeah.
S5 (39:19):
And I think in a lot of marriages, that's what happens.
One of them picks up the weight and the other
never gets in there. Does that make sense, Gary?
S1 (39:30):
Yeah, I think so. I think that's that's often the
case and it's just natural. You know, there's nothing wrong
with it necessarily. It's just that a mother does some things,
a father does other things. So the children connect with
the mother on certain areas, maybe other areas. If they
had a problem with their car, they might turn to
their father and ask his advice first. You know, about
what do I do about my car? Because they think
(39:52):
he probably knows more than you do, which may be
true or may not be true, right?
S5 (39:56):
Kelly, that's a great question. I'm glad you brought up that,
you know the difference between husbands and wives. Let's bring
it down to something as it's not as cataclysmic. Let's
just say you've got an adult child who's living at home,
and there's friction there about duties in the household. We've
heard a little bit of that even earlier today. What
(40:17):
how do you how do you live harmoniously with your
adult child who is either still there or has moved back?
S1 (40:24):
Well, I think, Chris, this is far more common today
than it was even 20 years ago. Either they don't
leave home as early as we thought they were going
to leave home, or they they move out. They go
to college, maybe they finish college, maybe they drop out
of college and they and they want to move back home.
Or maybe they get married and later on get divorced,
(40:47):
and they have a child and they say, you know,
mom can can I can my me and my child
come back? Can we come back and live with you all?
So it's very, very, uh, it just happens more today
than it used to happen. Okay. And so what I
try to do in this book is give parents practical
ideas on how to make the most of that. And
one of those ideas is let's let's find out, first
(41:08):
of all, what are the dynamics that is either keeping
that child in the home or bringing them back to
the home? And normally it's some things that have happened
in their lives. It may be depression, it may be
personality struggles that they're having. It may be that they've
lost a job. It may be anything they've gone through.
(41:29):
And home is a safe place and it just means positive.
On the positive side, you have another opportunity to invest
in their lives in a positive way. So I thank you,
welcome them. And then you very early on you just
sit down and talk about it okay. Now if this
is the problem then what can we do to help
(41:49):
you fix it? And if they've lost a job, it
might be helping them take a course at a local
technical college or something where they can learn a skill
that they're interested in. Maybe they majored in something in
college and it doesn't really help them get a job.
So and that's the problem. They need a job. So
whatever they're going through, if it's depression, okay, they probably
(42:13):
had some kind of traumatic experience. So look, we love you.
We want to help you through this. So we're willing
to pay for the counseling. And we want to together
try to find a good counselor so we can we'll
talk to our pastor or somebody. We'll find a good
counselor to help you walk through this. Because what we
want to do is be walking through it, not just
be sitting there like, this is going to be here forever.
(42:35):
We want to help them through whatever problem it is
that's brought them back, or that's keeping them there rather
than moving out. So because they really want to be
independent someday, you know, and we want to help them.
So we might have to help them through the hurdles
that they're dealing with.
S5 (42:53):
Yeah. And if you would like to find out more
about our featured resource, go to Building relationships.us. The title
of the book is Your New Life with Adult Children
A Practical Guide to what helps, what hurts, and what heels.
Find out more at building relationships.us. Gary, thank you for
coming alongside us today and for helping parents of adult
(43:16):
children who are struggling and those who had some turnarounds
as well. Keep doing what you're doing, friend.
S1 (43:22):
Well, it's great to be with you, Chris. I'm excited
about this book. I think it's going to help a
lot of parents.
S5 (43:27):
Now, next week, if you're a caregiver or you know
someone who's trying to love a family member who is
perhaps disabled, don't miss the encouragement from Jess Ronnie who
will share her story.
S4 (43:39):
Jess will talk about caregiving with grit and Grace next week.
Our thanks to Janice backing and Steve Wick for their
work behind the scenes. Also thanks to Ryan McConaughey and
Tricia McMillan. Building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman is a
production of Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers, a
ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.
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