October 15, 2025 • 32 mins
Archie thinks that Fred Allen would be a good master of ceremonies for the annual pig roast at Duffy’s Tavern. After hearing Fred audition, Duffy has some other thoughts.
Originally aired on January 4, 1944. This is episode 111 of Duffy's Tavern.
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Originally aired on January 4, 1944. This is episode 111 of Duffy's Tavern.
Please email questions and comments to host@classiccomedyotr.com.
Like us on Facebook at facebook.com/classiccomedyotr. Please share this podcast with your friends and family.
You can also subscribe to our podcast on Spreaker.com, Spotify, iTunes, Stitcher, TuneIn, iHeartRadio, and Google podcasts.
This show is supported by Spreaker Prime.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
Welcome to classic comedy of old time radio. I'm your host,
Ron Ecklebarger. Archie thinks that Fred Allen would be a
good master of ceremonies for the annual pig Roast at
Duffy's Tavern after hearing fred audition, though Duffy has some
other thoughts leave us Listen to this one hundred eleventh
(00:37):
episode of Duffy's Tavern, entitled Guest Fred Allen. It originally
aired on January fourth, nineteen forty four.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
I'd like a private word with pipe smokers.
Speaker 3 (00:49):
Listen. Remember this name, Revelation.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
It's a pipe mixture, a true blend of five great tobaccos,
got five different ways to get from each tobacco. It's
rich taste and flavor. So don't throw away your pipe.
If it gets hot and sour, you're smoking the wrong
tobacco or cool, sweet marvelous smoking pleasure. Just try Revelation.
Only fifteen cents.
Speaker 4 (01:14):
Duffy, That Field's just on a surface, yeah, down underneath
they hate each other. Well, Alan's jealous, you see, because
Benny steals all his stuff. I was sure Alan was
cheap long before Benny. They look Duffy. I'm just thinking
that Saint Patrick's day is coming up. What about a
(01:35):
guy like Allen to him see the pig roast? Huh
not enough contrast? Uh? Oh, I don't know. Maybe we
could distinguish them. Maybe we could get Alan to wear.
Speaker 3 (01:54):
A blue suit.
Speaker 4 (01:56):
Okay, I'll talk to him about it. So long, Duffy.
Speaker 3 (02:06):
Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome the Duffies. Come in and meet Finnegan,
Eddie the waiter, Miss Duffy, Benevenuva, Peter van Stephen and
his orchestra, our special guest tonight, Fred Allen and Archie himself,
Ed Gardner, Brought to you by two products that will
pay you to remember minute Rob when you have a
cold zo Hopatago when you need a likes of it men,
(02:26):
ed Rob sal Hapato.
Speaker 4 (02:36):
Eddie, Yes, Eddie, you want to hear a real funny joke? No,
an absent minded professor slammed his wife and kissed the
dog goodbye.
Speaker 3 (02:48):
Okay, I'd like to hear joke.
Speaker 4 (02:52):
Look, Addie, I'm reheisten that to be one of them?
What do you call them? Guys that tells jokes like
the ones I just told her?
Speaker 3 (02:58):
A ghoul?
Speaker 4 (03:01):
Oh No, I'm a monogamist. I'm learning these gags, so
when Fred Allen gets here, we can bandage a few
app lives at each other. You gotta be pitching or
catching Eddy. You never heard me at a party, honest,
the goodness. Every place I go to people say that
art you want to convulch.
Speaker 3 (03:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (03:23):
Wait till me and Allen gets together. It'll be a
real battle of wits.
Speaker 3 (03:28):
The trouble where this battle is. You've got you out numbered.
Speaker 4 (03:32):
Listen, Eddie, I got just as many intelligence as he has,
especially with somebody helping me. Huh. Well, for instance saying
me and Alan are standing here, you know, throwing what
he says ms at each other. Now, somebody might ask
me why does the chicken cross the street?
Speaker 3 (03:50):
Who might ask you?
Speaker 4 (03:52):
You might?
Speaker 3 (03:53):
Why might I?
Speaker 4 (03:57):
Because you might want Sunday off?
Speaker 3 (04:01):
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (04:01):
I might at that? Now, why does a chicken cross
the street because there's a roost on the other side? Edie,
You ask the questions. I give the answers. That is,
if you want Sundays off, what happens If I don't
ask you the question, then you'll get Sunday Monday? And
always yell sick hands with a straight man.
Speaker 3 (04:28):
Okay, go.
Speaker 4 (04:30):
H Finnigan, he.
Speaker 5 (04:32):
Just Fred Allen here to I'm dying to see him,
and do.
Speaker 3 (04:37):
You know I'm Finegan?
Speaker 4 (04:39):
No, do you listen to his program? Oh?
Speaker 3 (04:45):
Then why are you so anxious to meet him? So
I always like to make new friends. Well, Finnegan, why
don't you listen to him?
Speaker 4 (04:52):
Sometimes? It might be well, well is she you? He's
on Sunday nights?
Speaker 6 (04:55):
Oh, oh, I can't.
Speaker 3 (04:57):
God, Sunday night, my father listens to the Meexico show, Bennigan,
that is the show that Fred Allen is on. It's
just that d Hawki.
Speaker 5 (05:09):
Me and my father both listened, but's on the same station.
Speaker 4 (05:15):
And and it would be tough, but that one. Why
don't Why don't you listen some Sunday night when your
father ain't home.
Speaker 5 (05:22):
I even tried that, but I just toned in it
to finish it the program to win. The announcer said,
tune in the same time next Sunday.
Speaker 4 (05:35):
Well, did you tone in the same time next Sunday?
Speaker 6 (05:37):
Yup? And once again they were just finishing. Why a dude,
what does this Fred Allen do?
Speaker 3 (05:51):
Oh? He's a comedian.
Speaker 4 (05:52):
He tells jokes, for instance, Oh, for instance, he says,
why is the street kind like a woman?
Speaker 3 (05:59):
What else says you do?
Speaker 4 (06:04):
Uh? Finnigan, you're supposed to ask me to ask your what?
Why is a street car like a woman? Finigan? Ask me?
Speaker 3 (06:12):
So why should I ask you? You don't know?
Speaker 6 (06:14):
You just asked me.
Speaker 3 (06:16):
Oh the ghetto?
Speaker 4 (06:17):
Where your Finnagan? Miss Duffie. Maybe you'll do me a favor?
Speaker 7 (06:20):
Huh, I can't ask you aren't too busy.
Speaker 4 (06:22):
You're too busy here.
Speaker 7 (06:25):
It is the fourth day of ripe already, and I
haven't got my circulars printed yet.
Speaker 3 (06:30):
Circulars MS Duffy? Is that in good taste? In very
good taste?
Speaker 7 (06:34):
They're printed in old English type.
Speaker 4 (06:37):
Well, on that case, maybe you'll get an old englishman.
Oh boy, I'm murder that Alan Lap. Yeah, huh.
Speaker 3 (06:47):
Have you found any suckers yet?
Speaker 7 (06:49):
Well, there's just one fella, Girls Wady.
Speaker 4 (06:52):
Hawker Roadhi, thank you, GOLs. Where did you meet girls Wady?
Speaker 7 (06:59):
In a rest? He wrote me a note on the
back of the menu. So then what So then I
wrote him a note?
Speaker 4 (07:05):
You mean you picked up a guy just like that.
Speaker 7 (07:07):
I did not pick him up. I just told you.
We corresponded fish.
Speaker 4 (07:12):
Oh, I forgot that? Well, then what happened.
Speaker 7 (07:15):
Well, he invited me for an automobile ride in the
country and he wanted to borrow Papa's car.
Speaker 4 (07:20):
Oh, well, did you go with him?
Speaker 3 (07:22):
Of course not.
Speaker 7 (07:23):
He was a total stranger. Do you think I trusted
total stranger.
Speaker 3 (07:26):
With Papa's car?
Speaker 4 (07:29):
Well, don't worry, my stuffy, there's still three hundred and
sixty one days left in LaPier. Uh. Hey, Danny, Danny Seymour,
you are very lax or what do you mean? Well,
you know what Harry Blonzel would have said when I
said LaPier?
Speaker 3 (07:41):
What Well, he would have said, the.
Speaker 4 (07:43):
Leap is the time of the year when people get colds.
Speaker 3 (07:46):
Oh that's pretty corny, isn't it, Archie, Yeah.
Speaker 4 (07:49):
But Glenzelle's that way. How would you go about it?
Speaker 3 (07:53):
Well, I'd point out that even though this is a
new year, there's certainly nothing new about the coals that
brought many of us same old stopped up nose, same
old aching feeling in your muscles. Well, why not get
after those annoying cold symptoms with something modern? Minute rub
famous chest drub, Just massage it briskly on your back
and chest. Yes, that's all you do, and soon, in fact,
(08:15):
even before you finished, you feel a gratifying sensation of
warmth as minute rub begins to soothe the discomfort and
tightness caused by your cold. And meanwhile, minute rub gives
off active menthol vapors that help relieve that stuffed up
feeling in your nose and throat. Minute rub won't harm
clothes or linens. It's graaseless stainless seems to disappear as
(08:35):
you rub it on. So get after your cold symptoms
with this nationally famous chest drub that takes only a
minute to use that helps bring such fast relief Minute
rub mi n t r u B minute rubb. And now, folks,
(08:58):
we present the new saying star of Guffies, Benet Balta, who,
before she sings, rubs her throat religiously with minute rub.
Speaker 4 (09:07):
Archie. What goes on here?
Speaker 3 (09:08):
Well, I'll know better for you, Bennet, Please danny.
Speaker 4 (09:12):
Ladies and gentlemen, we now have the great honor of
presenting that the distinguished female vocal chantous He's singing vocalist
of such vocal hits on Broadway as by Joe Kiss
the Boys, Goodbye and c at set and set U. Tonight,
she vocalizes the songs she made famous. Everything I got
(09:33):
belongs to you, Miss Bennet Beranua.
Speaker 3 (09:43):
Now that wasn't that a better banet?
Speaker 6 (09:46):
Oh?
Speaker 4 (09:47):
Yes, that's fine. Everything else satisfied for you, Like a
dressing room, Yes, except that I have to get out
every time somebody wants to use the telephone. Oh, we'll
have that fixed immediately, Eddie, put a knot of water.
Sign I missed, noticed dressing wrong? Go ahead, sing, Bennet.
Speaker 8 (10:13):
I have eyes for you to give you dirty look.
Speaker 3 (10:18):
I have word that do not come from children's book.
There's the trick of the knife I'm.
Speaker 4 (10:26):
Learning to do. And everything I've got belongs to you.
Speaker 8 (10:34):
I have a powerful anesthesia in my fists.
Speaker 4 (10:39):
And the perfect risk to give your neck a twist.
Speaker 8 (10:44):
They're a Hamilock hole.
Speaker 3 (10:46):
I've mastered a.
Speaker 8 (10:47):
Few, and everything I've got belongs to you. Care for
share share of light you get struck each time I
strike you for me, me for me. I'll give you
plenty of nothing. I'm not yours for better, but for worse.
Speaker 4 (11:10):
And I've learned to give the well known, which is curst.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
I have a terrible tongue, a tempera more tu.
Speaker 3 (11:21):
And everything I've got belongs to you, and.
Speaker 4 (11:29):
Don't stamp your foot.
Speaker 8 (11:31):
Had me that's implied to stamp your footthd me is
not quite right.
Speaker 7 (11:40):
All I discover me is you're not nor mine.
Speaker 8 (11:47):
I fear my lover is a swine. You're a living
proof that frank but's still alive. You haven't brains enough
for any child a my.
Speaker 4 (12:02):
But I'll never let go, You'll never be free to
everything you've got belonged.
Speaker 8 (12:10):
Everything you've got belong everything you've got belongs to me.
Speaker 3 (12:34):
I mean, I was really terrific.
Speaker 4 (12:36):
Feel is sure that's flowing out of your Martha. I
say that when television comes in, you'll be a big stunt.
Speaker 3 (12:42):
Oh, thank you Archie.
Speaker 7 (12:43):
It's a lucky thing. Television am here?
Speaker 3 (12:45):
Now?
Speaker 4 (12:46):
Why not miss Duffy.
Speaker 3 (12:47):
Look what's coming in the door, Bran Allen, thank you.
Speaker 4 (12:55):
All Allan, And Duffie says, indeedful to have its portholds
pre empty by such an unmitigated place that you as
you have to think yourself, doctor Fatima, And I presume, yeah,
(13:16):
I'm fred you're you're surprised to find out. I I
bet you're surprised to find out. I ain't no bum.
Speaker 3 (13:22):
I'm sure I'm going to be Archie. Yeah, you're looking
ahead a little bit so. So this is the famous Duffies. Eh, yeah,
this is that? What do you think of it? Well?
I have been in a lot of dumps, Archie. But frankly,
this joint is to architecture what Jack Benny is to
the human race. Who is responsible for the decors here
(13:47):
to day?
Speaker 4 (13:47):
Oh capital d Yeah, yeah, oh I am responsible self,
like little narrow nose. I didn't think it'd smelled it,
but only what are you thinking of decorating? What do
you think about wolf paper?
Speaker 3 (14:03):
Jump the wall? It looks as though the one armed
paper hanger still has the hives.
Speaker 4 (14:09):
Uh, mister Allen, I personally hung that wallpaper, meself.
Speaker 3 (14:13):
Well you couldn't have picked a better paper. Well, thank
you very much, Yes, sir, there's nothing like the New
York Times. And Archie, I must say that you showed
good judgment in putting the orbituary column next to the
kitchen there. Thank you.
Speaker 4 (14:30):
And look at the rest of them antakes, duncan Fife cuspodors.
Really see those looking at them? Chippidale tables and you
wine oil paintings. That one up there, by the way
is a portrait of Duffy to propriet himself say.
Speaker 3 (14:48):
He looks like sitting bull looked before he sat down.
And these these cracks in the wall, archie, what are
these air conditioning for the termites?
Speaker 4 (14:58):
Mister Allen Duffy's does not kate. It's the time.
Speaker 3 (15:02):
You need. Even termites refuse to eat in here.
Speaker 4 (15:06):
Please, no cracks about the food. We may not save
uh Pontrey John Peasant, but uh the uh.
Speaker 3 (15:13):
Food is very nourishing. It's nourishing. Eh.
Speaker 4 (15:16):
You know who eats it?
Speaker 3 (15:17):
Who Frank Sinatra that I can believe he is a
real disciple of malnutrition, Yes, sir, and he's got us
(15:41):
to thank for it. Yeah, a lot of big shots
eat here.
Speaker 4 (15:44):
You see that guy over there, that's crud Face clip
for the safe Cracker strictly park Avenue or Ritz Cracker. Hey, yeah,
great dynamite man, very delicate artist too. I have seen
flood Face take a pitch of TNT and open a
can of sardines.
Speaker 3 (16:06):
And when the can of sardines were opened, there were
the little sardines laying there with that joke alongside.
Speaker 4 (16:18):
Blaster nights reves.
Speaker 3 (16:20):
That reminds that reminds me I knew a save Cracker
once Archie one Halloween, purely as a prank, mark you,
I put a little bicombinate of soda in with his nitroglycerin.
Speaker 4 (16:33):
What happened that night?
Speaker 3 (16:35):
Don't anticipate.
Speaker 4 (16:39):
You heard it the first show.
Speaker 3 (16:41):
Now you're laughing before we get you later. If it
goes along, I hope I put. I put a little
bicombinate of soda in his nitroglycerin. And that night, for
the first time in history, a bank burp.
Speaker 4 (16:56):
Must have been very embarrassing, and bank naturally couldn't say
pardon me. No, it was just one of those corny
exchange banks, you know, Corney Exchange in this.
Speaker 7 (17:09):
Oh mister it.
Speaker 3 (17:11):
Well as I live and breathe. If it isn't Archie,
what is it? Oh uh? This is miss Duffy, Fred
and take a timp watch you out. What do you
mean Archie?
Speaker 4 (17:24):
This name carries around a marriage license made out to
her and to whom it may concerns.
Speaker 3 (17:34):
Miss Duffy. Archie tells me that you've entered yourself in
the Leafier Derby for Phillies, and the way she's been running,
you'd think she was owned by bing Crosby.
Speaker 7 (17:44):
You two talk like I was a hood now litten
not if I would tell.
Speaker 3 (17:48):
You about no little lady, don't get excited, you might
pull a tender. Save your wind for the track.
Speaker 7 (17:57):
I will have you to know that I am no hood.
Speaker 4 (18:00):
What don't we do with a friend?
Speaker 3 (18:02):
Slap her saddle on her and put her in the
claiming race. That's the trouble with that. Nobody will claim her?
How you oh h d show your friend dollars? That's
right by her relatives. I'm called Portland Hopper's husband, and.
Speaker 5 (18:23):
Uh you are uh clipt and finneg Uh show your friend,
uh boy in the ORNI.
Speaker 6 (18:30):
You make so many people are look.
Speaker 4 (18:33):
At you, Finnigan please, that is ill manny. Mister Rowan
is not responsible for his gast play. Looks.
Speaker 3 (18:47):
Thank you, Archie. Say what's a good trick you've got?
Speaker 4 (18:51):
Wats that talking to your nose like?
Speaker 5 (18:53):
Uh, there must be hard to slip the white passier apnoids.
Speaker 4 (19:00):
Are your dough.
Speaker 3 (19:01):
I use small words, of course. If I feel a
big word coming on, I give it both nostra, and
then I push it through with hyphens on occasion. It's
very simple.
Speaker 4 (19:15):
Really, Hello, hello, Duffy, Uh yeah, that one's here.
Speaker 3 (19:21):
The bags brother. Has he got him?
Speaker 4 (19:26):
It looks like his eyes is waiting for her red chap. No,
I ain't asked him about the pig ross yet. Okay,
I'll approach him, Duffy, call me back, Fred, I'll be blunt.
Speaker 3 (19:40):
How would you like to make a best buck?
Speaker 4 (19:42):
Em seeing a pig.
Speaker 3 (19:43):
Ross sounds like a sounds like a greasy buck to me.
I see what is this? Uh? This pig rose?
Speaker 4 (19:49):
Well, it's uh Duffy Springs semiannual St. Patrick's Day music
colin pig ROAs uh sounds kala, Oh yeah, yeah sure,
oh irish? Now how about you am saying?
Speaker 3 (20:03):
Wait a minute, don't rush me into it? What about
the salary? Five bucks and all a pig you can stomach?
Five bucks? Now, let me see ten percent. That's fifty
cents goes to my agent out of the five bucks.
Speaker 4 (20:16):
Don't forget the pig.
Speaker 3 (20:17):
Don't worry, he'll be around to collect his commission in
the morning.
Speaker 4 (20:23):
Well bred, five bucks ain't nothing to be sneezed at
five bucks.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
I can make more money than that peddling wilkie button.
Speaker 4 (20:29):
Mister Roosevelt, you could huh just a minute, hello, hold on, Duffy,
you won't take the fine.
Speaker 3 (20:38):
Duffy.
Speaker 4 (20:39):
I don't blame that guy. He's a big radio star,
a picture star, famous stage actor.
Speaker 3 (20:44):
How kind can we go? Well, it's a little more
like us on. What's the offer? Six fifty? Well, look
is that European plan or with pig this American plan?
You eat before you get there? Oh?
Speaker 4 (21:03):
I see now, Fred, where would you when would you
like to audition for this pig roast? You mean I
have to audition for this swine soiree? Well, not for me,
it's for Duffy. You know, he always chooses his own
pigs and messes the ceremonies him. So why do you say, Fred?
Speaker 3 (21:21):
What do I say?
Speaker 4 (21:22):
Yeah? Oink? Uh? What did you say?
Speaker 3 (21:27):
I said?
Speaker 4 (21:28):
Oink? Let me take a look at your knuckles.
Speaker 3 (21:31):
Fred, six dollars and fifty cents? Oh say, mister Allan.
Didn't you once work for Sala Pattica? Yes, mister Seymour,
And it looks as though I'm going to work for
even less here in a minute. Oh, mister Allen, weren't
they wonderful people to work for? Well, now, as I
know you loved it, what's that? Tell me? What do
you do for the Salapadaker? People, go ahead, Danny seong Oh,
(21:53):
ladies and gentlemen, It's certainly true that sometimes the best
plaid plans can go astray when something unexpected happens. And Yet,
if on a day when you've made special plans you
wake up feeling headache because you need a laxative, don't
think your plans need be upset or that it's necessary
to put off taking that laxative to bedtime. Simply take
sal hopadoka famous saline at once for then speedy sal
(22:17):
Hoopatka brings quick gentle relief, usually within an hour, so
you can see you don't have to wait till night
to take the laxative needed in the morning, and consequently
don't have to continue feeling miserable all day. And salhopatica,
don't forget, has this additional advantage.
Speaker 9 (22:33):
Sparkling salhapatica also helps sweeten an upset stomach by helping
to reduce excess gastric acidity. So before another day goes by,
stop at your drug store for a bottle of salhopatica,
remembering this caution use only as directive. Then, whenever you
need a laxative morning, noon, or night, see if you don't.
Speaker 3 (22:52):
Feel better faster when you take gentle speedy salhopatica.
Speaker 4 (23:05):
Hello, hello duffy. Huh.
Speaker 3 (23:08):
First you want them to fill out the question there?
Speaker 4 (23:11):
Okay?
Speaker 3 (23:12):
Uh?
Speaker 4 (23:13):
Fred, would you mind answering some questions?
Speaker 3 (23:16):
All right?
Speaker 9 (23:16):
Uh?
Speaker 4 (23:17):
First, your name Fred Allen? Uh huh? Occupation, part time
gasoline salesman? Uh huh uh social security I'm already collecting
it obviously. Uh.
Speaker 3 (23:33):
Next, uh?
Speaker 4 (23:35):
Next, any hobbies?
Speaker 3 (23:37):
I can spin a yo? Yo, can spend a how
do you spell yo? Yo? Y? Oh?
Speaker 4 (23:44):
Just the one yo? How about the other one?
Speaker 3 (23:47):
Likewise, I'm sure.
Speaker 4 (23:51):
Any other talents juggling juggling will be handed to EMC
has to wait on tables too.
Speaker 2 (23:56):
Uh.
Speaker 3 (23:57):
Anything else? Well, I sing and play the claren Uh
sing and play clar eh excuse me? Hell well, Stuffy,
you all ready for the audition? Well, he says, he
sings and plays the clarinet. Okay, listening?
Speaker 4 (24:10):
Uh van Steeden, Yeah alone, mister Allen to lend of
a clarinet. Well, okay, hey, mister Allen, thank you say
I isn't that strange? I have a clarinet just like
this one at home, mister van Steeden, didn't you used
to have the band on my program. Yep, and I quit?
Why did you quit? Pete? Some rats wipe the clarinet. Well,
(24:36):
I'll see that you get this one back. Okay, Fred,
leave us start to the audition. What song do you
think would be uh? A proposed for a pig ros
to he gross?
Speaker 3 (24:48):
How about something from Porky and bed or sow sweet
you are all while strolling through the pork one day.
Speaker 4 (25:00):
Well, Duffy, don't mind what you sing, you know, as
long as it's when irish eyes a smile, all right.
Speaker 8 (25:08):
Worm of.
Speaker 10 (25:13):
Marley, all the world things as huh?
Speaker 4 (25:26):
Okay, Duffy, Now Fred the clarinet, but I hardly say
you ain't kidding? But h maybe you should dress your nose?
If that? Uh, leave us have the clarinet.
Speaker 3 (25:41):
But what'll I play? Archie?
Speaker 4 (25:43):
Well, I wrote a.
Speaker 3 (25:44):
Song called weaverus face it. We're in love? Archie? I
heard that song. What do you want to do? Turn
this clarinet into a plunge at Look?
Speaker 4 (25:59):
What do you you wanna play?
Speaker 3 (26:00):
Well? Something from Oklahoma And frankly I wish I was
there at the moment he even plays this joys nose.
Speaker 4 (26:22):
If Beethoven was alive, he'd wish he was dead. Not
a hold of alan, hold of a second? Hello stinks?
Huh look, I don't worry, it'll be over soon. Go ahead, friend,
(26:46):
Was that Duffy again? No, this time it was Portland?
Oh go ahead?
Speaker 3 (26:58):
Maybe a.
Speaker 4 (27:00):
Couldn't you? The guy is for sake, he's not he
makes he's money. Get the minute, Fred, Hell, well he stopped,
didn't he? Uh huh uh Fred? Uh, Duffy wants to
talk to you.
Speaker 3 (27:18):
Oh hello, Hello, Duffy, say what did you? Huh? Well,
I can't it's Van Steven's clarinet. Give me up mon
(27:38):
a minute, hello, Duffy. Uh, well, what'd you think?
Speaker 4 (27:49):
Duffy's such language? Okay, I'll thank bred for you. Uh
hold on just a minute, Duffy. Uh look, Fred, do
you know any jokes? Well, there's uh one joke about
the absent minded motorist. Maybe it's a better tone to
me clear it through you. Yeah, but this is an
audition within an audition. Well there was once There was
(28:11):
once an absent minded motorist who sat in a bar
for three hours in front of a stuffed dollar.
Speaker 3 (28:16):
Waiting for the red light to change. Tell us sardines
to move over.
Speaker 4 (28:40):
Well, Duffy, what do we need to write it for?
Speaker 3 (28:43):
I'm gonna.
Speaker 4 (28:45):
Well, don't forget these days, a pig is a pretty
big attraction by itself. Okay, look, Fred.
Speaker 3 (28:54):
I know, I know, Archie. This happened to me one
time in Newark with a trombone.
Speaker 4 (29:01):
Oh look, don't worry. I guarantee we won't hire nobody else.
We'll just take the.
Speaker 3 (29:05):
Six fifty and buy a heavy pay.
Speaker 4 (29:07):
Say wait a minute, Archie, a heavy pig is pretty
hard to find these days. Well I have to start looking,
say just the second.
Speaker 3 (29:15):
Does it matter if the pig comes from the Midwest? No,
does it matter if he wears a two pay?
Speaker 4 (29:21):
Fred, you ain't suggesting?
Speaker 3 (29:24):
No, No, I guess I'd better not spoil a high
class pig roast with him around, Archie.
Speaker 4 (29:29):
Good night, good night, Oh, Duffy's Hello, Duffy. Guess what
I'm gonna be on the radio. Yeah, next Sunday night.
(29:50):
Fred Allen's invited me to be on his program. Yeah
that's right. And next Tuesday we're having Jimmy Cagney. Yeah,
Duffy and Cagney's got that same irish with that Fred
Alan had.
Speaker 3 (30:01):
Hello.
Speaker 4 (30:03):
Hello.
Speaker 1 (30:11):
Fred Allen was born John Florence Sullivan. In eighteen ninety four,
John Steinbeck called him unquestionably the best humorist of our time.
He spent ten years in vaudeville doing comedy before making
it to Broadway. In the early nineteen thirties, he began
in radio, and that is where he really made his mark.
He hosted variously named comedy variety shows until nineteen forty
(30:36):
when his sponsor Bristol Myers insisted that the show be
called the Fred Allen Show. For the decade of the
nineteen forties, that show was a major staple of American radio. Also,
we got a little bit of listen to the continuing
feud between Jack Benny and Fred Allen. If you're listening
(30:59):
to our Jack Benny podcasts, then you are familiar with
the blossoming And this is nineteen thirty seven, the blossoming
feud between Fred Allen and Jack Benny, because Jack's talking
a lot about it, and of course here in nineteen
forty four, the feud is still going on, and of
(31:23):
course it's all make believe, just like Hugh Jackman and
Ryan Reynolds and their little feud that's going on. I
don't know if it's still going on, but you look
at it on YouTube and you can find lots of
videos they make having fun at each other's expense. But
(31:45):
that is something that added to both of their programs
and both of their personas. In the nineteen fifties, Fred
Allen moved to TV with everybody else, but he disliked it.
He said, you know, television is called a new medium,
and I've discovered why they call it a medium because
(32:06):
nothing is well done, and that television allowed people who
haven't anything to do watch people who can't do anything well.
We will get to the Fred Allen Show eventually in
this podcast sometime in the future, but for now we
can listen to the continuing feud on The Jack Benny Show,
(32:30):
and we got a glimpse of it here on Duffy's Tavern.
Fred Allen died of a heart attack in nineteen fifty six.
He was sixty one. Please send your questions and comments
to host at classiccomedyotr dot com until next time. In
the words of Fred Allen, you only live once, but
(32:50):
if you work it right, once is enough.
Welcome to classic comedy of old time radio. I'm your host,
Ron Ecklebarger. Archie thinks that Fred Allen would be a
good master of ceremonies for the annual pig Roast at
Duffy's Tavern after hearing fred audition, though Duffy has some
other thoughts leave us Listen to this one hundred eleventh
(00:37):
episode of Duffy's Tavern, entitled Guest Fred Allen. It originally
aired on January fourth, nineteen forty four.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
I'd like a private word with pipe smokers.
Speaker 3 (00:49):
Listen. Remember this name, Revelation.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
It's a pipe mixture, a true blend of five great tobaccos,
got five different ways to get from each tobacco. It's
rich taste and flavor. So don't throw away your pipe.
If it gets hot and sour, you're smoking the wrong
tobacco or cool, sweet marvelous smoking pleasure. Just try Revelation.
Only fifteen cents.
Speaker 4 (01:14):
Duffy, That Field's just on a surface, yeah, down underneath
they hate each other. Well, Alan's jealous, you see, because
Benny steals all his stuff. I was sure Alan was
cheap long before Benny. They look Duffy. I'm just thinking
that Saint Patrick's day is coming up. What about a
(01:35):
guy like Allen to him see the pig roast? Huh
not enough contrast? Uh? Oh, I don't know. Maybe we
could distinguish them. Maybe we could get Alan to wear.
Speaker 3 (01:54):
A blue suit.
Speaker 4 (01:56):
Okay, I'll talk to him about it. So long, Duffy.
Speaker 3 (02:06):
Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome the Duffies. Come in and meet Finnegan,
Eddie the waiter, Miss Duffy, Benevenuva, Peter van Stephen and
his orchestra, our special guest tonight, Fred Allen and Archie himself,
Ed Gardner, Brought to you by two products that will
pay you to remember minute Rob when you have a
cold zo Hopatago when you need a likes of it men,
(02:26):
ed Rob sal Hapato.
Speaker 4 (02:36):
Eddie, Yes, Eddie, you want to hear a real funny joke? No,
an absent minded professor slammed his wife and kissed the
dog goodbye.
Speaker 3 (02:48):
Okay, I'd like to hear joke.
Speaker 4 (02:52):
Look, Addie, I'm reheisten that to be one of them?
What do you call them? Guys that tells jokes like
the ones I just told her?
Speaker 3 (02:58):
A ghoul?
Speaker 4 (03:01):
Oh No, I'm a monogamist. I'm learning these gags, so
when Fred Allen gets here, we can bandage a few
app lives at each other. You gotta be pitching or
catching Eddy. You never heard me at a party, honest,
the goodness. Every place I go to people say that
art you want to convulch.
Speaker 3 (03:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (03:23):
Wait till me and Allen gets together. It'll be a
real battle of wits.
Speaker 3 (03:28):
The trouble where this battle is. You've got you out numbered.
Speaker 4 (03:32):
Listen, Eddie, I got just as many intelligence as he has,
especially with somebody helping me. Huh. Well, for instance saying
me and Alan are standing here, you know, throwing what
he says ms at each other. Now, somebody might ask
me why does the chicken cross the street?
Speaker 3 (03:50):
Who might ask you?
Speaker 4 (03:52):
You might?
Speaker 3 (03:53):
Why might I?
Speaker 4 (03:57):
Because you might want Sunday off?
Speaker 3 (04:01):
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (04:01):
I might at that? Now, why does a chicken cross
the street because there's a roost on the other side? Edie,
You ask the questions. I give the answers. That is,
if you want Sundays off, what happens If I don't
ask you the question, then you'll get Sunday Monday? And
always yell sick hands with a straight man.
Speaker 3 (04:28):
Okay, go.
Speaker 4 (04:30):
H Finnigan, he.
Speaker 5 (04:32):
Just Fred Allen here to I'm dying to see him,
and do.
Speaker 3 (04:37):
You know I'm Finegan?
Speaker 4 (04:39):
No, do you listen to his program? Oh?
Speaker 3 (04:45):
Then why are you so anxious to meet him? So
I always like to make new friends. Well, Finnegan, why
don't you listen to him?
Speaker 4 (04:52):
Sometimes? It might be well, well is she you? He's
on Sunday nights?
Speaker 6 (04:55):
Oh, oh, I can't.
Speaker 3 (04:57):
God, Sunday night, my father listens to the Meexico show, Bennigan,
that is the show that Fred Allen is on. It's
just that d Hawki.
Speaker 5 (05:09):
Me and my father both listened, but's on the same station.
Speaker 4 (05:15):
And and it would be tough, but that one. Why
don't Why don't you listen some Sunday night when your
father ain't home.
Speaker 5 (05:22):
I even tried that, but I just toned in it
to finish it the program to win. The announcer said,
tune in the same time next Sunday.
Speaker 4 (05:35):
Well, did you tone in the same time next Sunday?
Speaker 6 (05:37):
Yup? And once again they were just finishing. Why a dude,
what does this Fred Allen do?
Speaker 3 (05:51):
Oh? He's a comedian.
Speaker 4 (05:52):
He tells jokes, for instance, Oh, for instance, he says,
why is the street kind like a woman?
Speaker 3 (05:59):
What else says you do?
Speaker 4 (06:04):
Uh? Finnigan, you're supposed to ask me to ask your what?
Why is a street car like a woman? Finigan? Ask me?
Speaker 3 (06:12):
So why should I ask you? You don't know?
Speaker 6 (06:14):
You just asked me.
Speaker 3 (06:16):
Oh the ghetto?
Speaker 4 (06:17):
Where your Finnagan? Miss Duffie. Maybe you'll do me a favor?
Speaker 7 (06:20):
Huh, I can't ask you aren't too busy.
Speaker 4 (06:22):
You're too busy here.
Speaker 7 (06:25):
It is the fourth day of ripe already, and I
haven't got my circulars printed yet.
Speaker 3 (06:30):
Circulars MS Duffy? Is that in good taste? In very
good taste?
Speaker 7 (06:34):
They're printed in old English type.
Speaker 4 (06:37):
Well, on that case, maybe you'll get an old englishman.
Oh boy, I'm murder that Alan Lap. Yeah, huh.
Speaker 3 (06:47):
Have you found any suckers yet?
Speaker 7 (06:49):
Well, there's just one fella, Girls Wady.
Speaker 4 (06:52):
Hawker Roadhi, thank you, GOLs. Where did you meet girls Wady?
Speaker 7 (06:59):
In a rest? He wrote me a note on the
back of the menu. So then what So then I
wrote him a note?
Speaker 4 (07:05):
You mean you picked up a guy just like that.
Speaker 7 (07:07):
I did not pick him up. I just told you.
We corresponded fish.
Speaker 4 (07:12):
Oh, I forgot that? Well, then what happened.
Speaker 7 (07:15):
Well, he invited me for an automobile ride in the
country and he wanted to borrow Papa's car.
Speaker 4 (07:20):
Oh, well, did you go with him?
Speaker 3 (07:22):
Of course not.
Speaker 7 (07:23):
He was a total stranger. Do you think I trusted
total stranger.
Speaker 3 (07:26):
With Papa's car?
Speaker 4 (07:29):
Well, don't worry, my stuffy, there's still three hundred and
sixty one days left in LaPier. Uh. Hey, Danny, Danny Seymour,
you are very lax or what do you mean? Well,
you know what Harry Blonzel would have said when I
said LaPier?
Speaker 3 (07:41):
What Well, he would have said, the.
Speaker 4 (07:43):
Leap is the time of the year when people get colds.
Speaker 3 (07:46):
Oh that's pretty corny, isn't it, Archie, Yeah.
Speaker 4 (07:49):
But Glenzelle's that way. How would you go about it?
Speaker 3 (07:53):
Well, I'd point out that even though this is a
new year, there's certainly nothing new about the coals that
brought many of us same old stopped up nose, same
old aching feeling in your muscles. Well, why not get
after those annoying cold symptoms with something modern? Minute rub
famous chest drub, Just massage it briskly on your back
and chest. Yes, that's all you do, and soon, in fact,
(08:15):
even before you finished, you feel a gratifying sensation of
warmth as minute rub begins to soothe the discomfort and
tightness caused by your cold. And meanwhile, minute rub gives
off active menthol vapors that help relieve that stuffed up
feeling in your nose and throat. Minute rub won't harm
clothes or linens. It's graaseless stainless seems to disappear as
(08:35):
you rub it on. So get after your cold symptoms
with this nationally famous chest drub that takes only a
minute to use that helps bring such fast relief Minute
rub mi n t r u B minute rubb. And now, folks,
(08:58):
we present the new saying star of Guffies, Benet Balta, who,
before she sings, rubs her throat religiously with minute rub.
Speaker 4 (09:07):
Archie. What goes on here?
Speaker 3 (09:08):
Well, I'll know better for you, Bennet, Please danny.
Speaker 4 (09:12):
Ladies and gentlemen, we now have the great honor of
presenting that the distinguished female vocal chantous He's singing vocalist
of such vocal hits on Broadway as by Joe Kiss
the Boys, Goodbye and c at set and set U. Tonight,
she vocalizes the songs she made famous. Everything I got
(09:33):
belongs to you, Miss Bennet Beranua.
Speaker 3 (09:43):
Now that wasn't that a better banet?
Speaker 6 (09:46):
Oh?
Speaker 4 (09:47):
Yes, that's fine. Everything else satisfied for you, Like a
dressing room, Yes, except that I have to get out
every time somebody wants to use the telephone. Oh, we'll
have that fixed immediately, Eddie, put a knot of water.
Sign I missed, noticed dressing wrong? Go ahead, sing, Bennet.
Speaker 8 (10:13):
I have eyes for you to give you dirty look.
Speaker 3 (10:18):
I have word that do not come from children's book.
There's the trick of the knife I'm.
Speaker 4 (10:26):
Learning to do. And everything I've got belongs to you.
Speaker 8 (10:34):
I have a powerful anesthesia in my fists.
Speaker 4 (10:39):
And the perfect risk to give your neck a twist.
Speaker 8 (10:44):
They're a Hamilock hole.
Speaker 3 (10:46):
I've mastered a.
Speaker 8 (10:47):
Few, and everything I've got belongs to you. Care for
share share of light you get struck each time I
strike you for me, me for me. I'll give you
plenty of nothing. I'm not yours for better, but for worse.
Speaker 4 (11:10):
And I've learned to give the well known, which is curst.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
I have a terrible tongue, a tempera more tu.
Speaker 3 (11:21):
And everything I've got belongs to you, and.
Speaker 4 (11:29):
Don't stamp your foot.
Speaker 8 (11:31):
Had me that's implied to stamp your footthd me is
not quite right.
Speaker 7 (11:40):
All I discover me is you're not nor mine.
Speaker 8 (11:47):
I fear my lover is a swine. You're a living
proof that frank but's still alive. You haven't brains enough
for any child a my.
Speaker 4 (12:02):
But I'll never let go, You'll never be free to
everything you've got belonged.
Speaker 8 (12:10):
Everything you've got belong everything you've got belongs to me.
Speaker 3 (12:34):
I mean, I was really terrific.
Speaker 4 (12:36):
Feel is sure that's flowing out of your Martha. I
say that when television comes in, you'll be a big stunt.
Speaker 3 (12:42):
Oh, thank you Archie.
Speaker 7 (12:43):
It's a lucky thing. Television am here?
Speaker 3 (12:45):
Now?
Speaker 4 (12:46):
Why not miss Duffy.
Speaker 3 (12:47):
Look what's coming in the door, Bran Allen, thank you.
Speaker 4 (12:55):
All Allan, And Duffie says, indeedful to have its portholds
pre empty by such an unmitigated place that you as
you have to think yourself, doctor Fatima, And I presume, yeah,
(13:16):
I'm fred you're you're surprised to find out. I I
bet you're surprised to find out. I ain't no bum.
Speaker 3 (13:22):
I'm sure I'm going to be Archie. Yeah, you're looking
ahead a little bit so. So this is the famous Duffies. Eh, yeah,
this is that? What do you think of it? Well?
I have been in a lot of dumps, Archie. But frankly,
this joint is to architecture what Jack Benny is to
the human race. Who is responsible for the decors here
(13:47):
to day?
Speaker 4 (13:47):
Oh capital d Yeah, yeah, oh I am responsible self,
like little narrow nose. I didn't think it'd smelled it,
but only what are you thinking of decorating? What do
you think about wolf paper?
Speaker 3 (14:03):
Jump the wall? It looks as though the one armed
paper hanger still has the hives.
Speaker 4 (14:09):
Uh, mister Allen, I personally hung that wallpaper, meself.
Speaker 3 (14:13):
Well you couldn't have picked a better paper. Well, thank
you very much, Yes, sir, there's nothing like the New
York Times. And Archie, I must say that you showed
good judgment in putting the orbituary column next to the
kitchen there. Thank you.
Speaker 4 (14:30):
And look at the rest of them antakes, duncan Fife cuspodors.
Really see those looking at them? Chippidale tables and you
wine oil paintings. That one up there, by the way
is a portrait of Duffy to propriet himself say.
Speaker 3 (14:48):
He looks like sitting bull looked before he sat down.
And these these cracks in the wall, archie, what are
these air conditioning for the termites?
Speaker 4 (14:58):
Mister Allen Duffy's does not kate. It's the time.
Speaker 3 (15:02):
You need. Even termites refuse to eat in here.
Speaker 4 (15:06):
Please, no cracks about the food. We may not save
uh Pontrey John Peasant, but uh the uh.
Speaker 3 (15:13):
Food is very nourishing. It's nourishing. Eh.
Speaker 4 (15:16):
You know who eats it?
Speaker 3 (15:17):
Who Frank Sinatra that I can believe he is a
real disciple of malnutrition, Yes, sir, and he's got us
(15:41):
to thank for it. Yeah, a lot of big shots
eat here.
Speaker 4 (15:44):
You see that guy over there, that's crud Face clip
for the safe Cracker strictly park Avenue or Ritz Cracker. Hey, yeah,
great dynamite man, very delicate artist too. I have seen
flood Face take a pitch of TNT and open a
can of sardines.
Speaker 3 (16:06):
And when the can of sardines were opened, there were
the little sardines laying there with that joke alongside.
Speaker 4 (16:18):
Blaster nights reves.
Speaker 3 (16:20):
That reminds that reminds me I knew a save Cracker
once Archie one Halloween, purely as a prank, mark you,
I put a little bicombinate of soda in with his nitroglycerin.
Speaker 4 (16:33):
What happened that night?
Speaker 3 (16:35):
Don't anticipate.
Speaker 4 (16:39):
You heard it the first show.
Speaker 3 (16:41):
Now you're laughing before we get you later. If it
goes along, I hope I put. I put a little
bicombinate of soda in his nitroglycerin. And that night, for
the first time in history, a bank burp.
Speaker 4 (16:56):
Must have been very embarrassing, and bank naturally couldn't say
pardon me. No, it was just one of those corny
exchange banks, you know, Corney Exchange in this.
Speaker 7 (17:09):
Oh mister it.
Speaker 3 (17:11):
Well as I live and breathe. If it isn't Archie,
what is it? Oh uh? This is miss Duffy, Fred
and take a timp watch you out. What do you
mean Archie?
Speaker 4 (17:24):
This name carries around a marriage license made out to
her and to whom it may concerns.
Speaker 3 (17:34):
Miss Duffy. Archie tells me that you've entered yourself in
the Leafier Derby for Phillies, and the way she's been running,
you'd think she was owned by bing Crosby.
Speaker 7 (17:44):
You two talk like I was a hood now litten
not if I would tell.
Speaker 3 (17:48):
You about no little lady, don't get excited, you might
pull a tender. Save your wind for the track.
Speaker 7 (17:57):
I will have you to know that I am no hood.
Speaker 4 (18:00):
What don't we do with a friend?
Speaker 3 (18:02):
Slap her saddle on her and put her in the
claiming race. That's the trouble with that. Nobody will claim her?
How you oh h d show your friend dollars? That's
right by her relatives. I'm called Portland Hopper's husband, and.
Speaker 5 (18:23):
Uh you are uh clipt and finneg Uh show your friend,
uh boy in the ORNI.
Speaker 6 (18:30):
You make so many people are look.
Speaker 4 (18:33):
At you, Finnigan please, that is ill manny. Mister Rowan
is not responsible for his gast play. Looks.
Speaker 3 (18:47):
Thank you, Archie. Say what's a good trick you've got?
Speaker 4 (18:51):
Wats that talking to your nose like?
Speaker 5 (18:53):
Uh, there must be hard to slip the white passier apnoids.
Speaker 4 (19:00):
Are your dough.
Speaker 3 (19:01):
I use small words, of course. If I feel a
big word coming on, I give it both nostra, and
then I push it through with hyphens on occasion. It's
very simple.
Speaker 4 (19:15):
Really, Hello, hello, Duffy, Uh yeah, that one's here.
Speaker 3 (19:21):
The bags brother. Has he got him?
Speaker 4 (19:26):
It looks like his eyes is waiting for her red chap. No,
I ain't asked him about the pig ross yet. Okay,
I'll approach him, Duffy, call me back, Fred, I'll be blunt.
Speaker 3 (19:40):
How would you like to make a best buck?
Speaker 4 (19:42):
Em seeing a pig.
Speaker 3 (19:43):
Ross sounds like a sounds like a greasy buck to me.
I see what is this? Uh? This pig rose?
Speaker 4 (19:49):
Well, it's uh Duffy Springs semiannual St. Patrick's Day music
colin pig ROAs uh sounds kala, Oh yeah, yeah sure,
oh irish? Now how about you am saying?
Speaker 3 (20:03):
Wait a minute, don't rush me into it? What about
the salary? Five bucks and all a pig you can stomach?
Five bucks? Now, let me see ten percent. That's fifty
cents goes to my agent out of the five bucks.
Speaker 4 (20:16):
Don't forget the pig.
Speaker 3 (20:17):
Don't worry, he'll be around to collect his commission in
the morning.
Speaker 4 (20:23):
Well bred, five bucks ain't nothing to be sneezed at
five bucks.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
I can make more money than that peddling wilkie button.
Speaker 4 (20:29):
Mister Roosevelt, you could huh just a minute, hello, hold on, Duffy,
you won't take the fine.
Speaker 3 (20:38):
Duffy.
Speaker 4 (20:39):
I don't blame that guy. He's a big radio star,
a picture star, famous stage actor.
Speaker 3 (20:44):
How kind can we go? Well, it's a little more
like us on. What's the offer? Six fifty? Well, look
is that European plan or with pig this American plan?
You eat before you get there? Oh?
Speaker 4 (21:03):
I see now, Fred, where would you when would you
like to audition for this pig roast? You mean I
have to audition for this swine soiree? Well, not for me,
it's for Duffy. You know, he always chooses his own
pigs and messes the ceremonies him. So why do you say, Fred?
Speaker 3 (21:21):
What do I say?
Speaker 4 (21:22):
Yeah? Oink? Uh? What did you say?
Speaker 3 (21:27):
I said?
Speaker 4 (21:28):
Oink? Let me take a look at your knuckles.
Speaker 3 (21:31):
Fred, six dollars and fifty cents? Oh say, mister Allan.
Didn't you once work for Sala Pattica? Yes, mister Seymour,
And it looks as though I'm going to work for
even less here in a minute. Oh, mister Allen, weren't
they wonderful people to work for? Well, now, as I
know you loved it, what's that? Tell me? What do
you do for the Salapadaker? People, go ahead, Danny seong Oh,
(21:53):
ladies and gentlemen, It's certainly true that sometimes the best
plaid plans can go astray when something unexpected happens. And Yet,
if on a day when you've made special plans you
wake up feeling headache because you need a laxative, don't
think your plans need be upset or that it's necessary
to put off taking that laxative to bedtime. Simply take
sal hopadoka famous saline at once for then speedy sal
(22:17):
Hoopatka brings quick gentle relief, usually within an hour, so
you can see you don't have to wait till night
to take the laxative needed in the morning, and consequently
don't have to continue feeling miserable all day. And salhopatica,
don't forget, has this additional advantage.
Speaker 9 (22:33):
Sparkling salhapatica also helps sweeten an upset stomach by helping
to reduce excess gastric acidity. So before another day goes by,
stop at your drug store for a bottle of salhopatica,
remembering this caution use only as directive. Then, whenever you
need a laxative morning, noon, or night, see if you don't.
Speaker 3 (22:52):
Feel better faster when you take gentle speedy salhopatica.
Speaker 4 (23:05):
Hello, hello duffy. Huh.
Speaker 3 (23:08):
First you want them to fill out the question there?
Speaker 4 (23:11):
Okay?
Speaker 3 (23:12):
Uh?
Speaker 4 (23:13):
Fred, would you mind answering some questions?
Speaker 3 (23:16):
All right?
Speaker 9 (23:16):
Uh?
Speaker 4 (23:17):
First, your name Fred Allen? Uh huh? Occupation, part time
gasoline salesman? Uh huh uh social security I'm already collecting
it obviously. Uh.
Speaker 3 (23:33):
Next, uh?
Speaker 4 (23:35):
Next, any hobbies?
Speaker 3 (23:37):
I can spin a yo? Yo, can spend a how
do you spell yo? Yo? Y? Oh?
Speaker 4 (23:44):
Just the one yo? How about the other one?
Speaker 3 (23:47):
Likewise, I'm sure.
Speaker 4 (23:51):
Any other talents juggling juggling will be handed to EMC
has to wait on tables too.
Speaker 2 (23:56):
Uh.
Speaker 3 (23:57):
Anything else? Well, I sing and play the claren Uh
sing and play clar eh excuse me? Hell well, Stuffy,
you all ready for the audition? Well, he says, he
sings and plays the clarinet. Okay, listening?
Speaker 4 (24:10):
Uh van Steeden, Yeah alone, mister Allen to lend of
a clarinet. Well, okay, hey, mister Allen, thank you say
I isn't that strange? I have a clarinet just like
this one at home, mister van Steeden, didn't you used
to have the band on my program. Yep, and I quit?
Why did you quit? Pete? Some rats wipe the clarinet. Well,
(24:36):
I'll see that you get this one back. Okay, Fred,
leave us start to the audition. What song do you
think would be uh? A proposed for a pig ros
to he gross?
Speaker 3 (24:48):
How about something from Porky and bed or sow sweet
you are all while strolling through the pork one day.
Speaker 4 (25:00):
Well, Duffy, don't mind what you sing, you know, as
long as it's when irish eyes a smile, all right.
Speaker 8 (25:08):
Worm of.
Speaker 10 (25:13):
Marley, all the world things as huh?
Speaker 4 (25:26):
Okay, Duffy, Now Fred the clarinet, but I hardly say
you ain't kidding? But h maybe you should dress your nose?
If that? Uh, leave us have the clarinet.
Speaker 3 (25:41):
But what'll I play? Archie?
Speaker 4 (25:43):
Well, I wrote a.
Speaker 3 (25:44):
Song called weaverus face it. We're in love? Archie? I
heard that song. What do you want to do? Turn
this clarinet into a plunge at Look?
Speaker 4 (25:59):
What do you you wanna play?
Speaker 3 (26:00):
Well? Something from Oklahoma And frankly I wish I was
there at the moment he even plays this joys nose.
Speaker 4 (26:22):
If Beethoven was alive, he'd wish he was dead. Not
a hold of alan, hold of a second? Hello stinks?
Huh look, I don't worry, it'll be over soon. Go ahead, friend,
(26:46):
Was that Duffy again? No, this time it was Portland?
Oh go ahead?
Speaker 3 (26:58):
Maybe a.
Speaker 4 (27:00):
Couldn't you? The guy is for sake, he's not he
makes he's money. Get the minute, Fred, Hell, well he stopped,
didn't he? Uh huh uh Fred? Uh, Duffy wants to
talk to you.
Speaker 3 (27:18):
Oh hello, Hello, Duffy, say what did you? Huh? Well,
I can't it's Van Steven's clarinet. Give me up mon
(27:38):
a minute, hello, Duffy. Uh, well, what'd you think?
Speaker 4 (27:49):
Duffy's such language? Okay, I'll thank bred for you. Uh
hold on just a minute, Duffy. Uh look, Fred, do
you know any jokes? Well, there's uh one joke about
the absent minded motorist. Maybe it's a better tone to
me clear it through you. Yeah, but this is an
audition within an audition. Well there was once There was
(28:11):
once an absent minded motorist who sat in a bar
for three hours in front of a stuffed dollar.
Speaker 3 (28:16):
Waiting for the red light to change. Tell us sardines
to move over.
Speaker 4 (28:40):
Well, Duffy, what do we need to write it for?
Speaker 3 (28:43):
I'm gonna.
Speaker 4 (28:45):
Well, don't forget these days, a pig is a pretty
big attraction by itself. Okay, look, Fred.
Speaker 3 (28:54):
I know, I know, Archie. This happened to me one
time in Newark with a trombone.
Speaker 4 (29:01):
Oh look, don't worry. I guarantee we won't hire nobody else.
We'll just take the.
Speaker 3 (29:05):
Six fifty and buy a heavy pay.
Speaker 4 (29:07):
Say wait a minute, Archie, a heavy pig is pretty
hard to find these days. Well I have to start looking,
say just the second.
Speaker 3 (29:15):
Does it matter if the pig comes from the Midwest? No,
does it matter if he wears a two pay?
Speaker 4 (29:21):
Fred, you ain't suggesting?
Speaker 3 (29:24):
No, No, I guess I'd better not spoil a high
class pig roast with him around, Archie.
Speaker 4 (29:29):
Good night, good night, Oh, Duffy's Hello, Duffy. Guess what
I'm gonna be on the radio. Yeah, next Sunday night.
(29:50):
Fred Allen's invited me to be on his program. Yeah
that's right. And next Tuesday we're having Jimmy Cagney. Yeah,
Duffy and Cagney's got that same irish with that Fred
Alan had.
Speaker 3 (30:01):
Hello.
Speaker 4 (30:03):
Hello.
Speaker 1 (30:11):
Fred Allen was born John Florence Sullivan. In eighteen ninety four,
John Steinbeck called him unquestionably the best humorist of our time.
He spent ten years in vaudeville doing comedy before making
it to Broadway. In the early nineteen thirties, he began
in radio, and that is where he really made his mark.
He hosted variously named comedy variety shows until nineteen forty
(30:36):
when his sponsor Bristol Myers insisted that the show be
called the Fred Allen Show. For the decade of the
nineteen forties, that show was a major staple of American radio. Also,
we got a little bit of listen to the continuing
feud between Jack Benny and Fred Allen. If you're listening
(30:59):
to our Jack Benny podcasts, then you are familiar with
the blossoming And this is nineteen thirty seven, the blossoming
feud between Fred Allen and Jack Benny, because Jack's talking
a lot about it, and of course here in nineteen
forty four, the feud is still going on, and of
(31:23):
course it's all make believe, just like Hugh Jackman and
Ryan Reynolds and their little feud that's going on. I
don't know if it's still going on, but you look
at it on YouTube and you can find lots of
videos they make having fun at each other's expense. But
(31:45):
that is something that added to both of their programs
and both of their personas. In the nineteen fifties, Fred
Allen moved to TV with everybody else, but he disliked it.
He said, you know, television is called a new medium,
and I've discovered why they call it a medium because
(32:06):
nothing is well done, and that television allowed people who
haven't anything to do watch people who can't do anything well.
We will get to the Fred Allen Show eventually in
this podcast sometime in the future, but for now we
can listen to the continuing feud on The Jack Benny Show,
(32:30):
and we got a glimpse of it here on Duffy's Tavern.
Fred Allen died of a heart attack in nineteen fifty six.
He was sixty one. Please send your questions and comments
to host at classiccomedyotr dot com until next time. In
the words of Fred Allen, you only live once, but
(32:50):
if you work it right, once is enough.
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