The Life of Riley: "Babs Leaves Home"

When Riley gets caught hiding in a closet spying on Babs and her boyfriend, Babs becomes furious and leaves home.

Originally aired on May 6, 1949. This is episode 244 of The Life of Riley.

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Episode Transcript

(00:16):
Welcome to classic comedy of old timeradio. I'm your host Ron Echlbarger.
When Riley gets caught hiding in acloset spying on Babs and her boyfriend,
Babs becomes furious and leaves home.Today's episode is entitled Babs Leaves Home.

(00:36):
It is the two hundred and fortyfourth episode of the Life of Riley and
it originally aired on May sixth,nineteen forty nine. It's new, It's
amazing. It's prel pr e LLLprel shampoo. Yes, Procter and Gambols
new radiant cream shampoo and the Handytwo Krel brings you the Life of Riley

(01:08):
Krall, the shampoo that removes unsightlydandruff leaves here radiantly lovely presents the Life
of Riley with William Bendicks as Riley. Ever since the release of a new

(01:30):
motion picture called The Life of Rileyconcerning the comic headaches of one chester A
Riley, our own chester A,Riley's friends have been making comparisons between him
and the Riley in the movie,and our hero is furious for he doesn't
see the slightest resemblance between himself andthe not too bright character of the picture.
Our Riley sees himself as a well, let's eavesdrop on some of Riley's

(01:53):
favorite daydreams. Right now, he'slying on the couch dozing and seeing himself
as Riley the intellectual giant, andnow follows scientists. I would like to
speak on the atom bomb. Theatom bomb, as you all know,
consists of neutrons, electrons, andcruetons. In order to make the atom

(02:14):
bomb, you take the neutrons,electrons, and cruetons, mix them with
uranium, plutonium, and palladium,and then you add But that is a
military secret. Any questions, ah, I see my distinguished colleague, Professor
Albert Einstein has his hand up.Okay, Professor, you may leave the
room. And then there is ChesterRiley, the irresistible Hazanova. It's no

(02:43):
use, my dear, but Ican never love you. I will always
be faithful to my wife. Iknow you're beautiful, but it's no use.
I can never be yours. Getoff your knees. It's no use,
Pagan. Oh all right, justone last kiss. But after that,
reader, you'll have to go backto your alley. And then there
is Chester Riley, or rather Operativek six of the United States Secret Service.

(03:07):
You can't beat me. You cantouch me, but it won't do
you any good. You'll never getthe plans of our secret jet Palmer.
I taught them it's a little piecesand ate them. Ha ha. It's
no you was bringing in that Xray machine. I knew you'd try that,
but I outwitted you. Five minutesago, I operated on myself and
removed my stomach, So you'll neverlearn the secret. Your rats, you're

(03:29):
dealing with no guts, Riley eat, dinner's ready? Aren't you coming to
eat? That's too late? Fiveminutes ago I removed my stomach. What
h oh, oh it's you pegWell, hould on earth? You talking
about? Oh? Nothing? Justthinking out loud? Well, dinner's ready?

(03:52):
Why are we eating so early?Well? I thought we'd taken a
movie tonight. No, I'm tired. Oh come on, let's go.
Now you you go? Oh,but you got to go. You just
got to daddy. George is comingover tonight. George George. It's George
Cameron, a boy. I methim at school and he said he dropped
in denied. Oh oh, sothat's it. So that's why you want

(04:14):
to get me out of the house. You're ashamed of me, I am.
You don't want me to meet yourfancy college friends because I'm ignorant.
Oh, you're not ignorant. Don'tcontradict me, Riley. You're being perfectly
ridiculous. When a young girl isentertaining a boy, it's perfectly natural for
her to want to be alone.Yeah, what's natural about it? You

(04:35):
didn't act that way with me.You weren't ashamed of your father. Every
night I came to see he satright there on the couch between us.
That was for a different reason.He didn't trust you. Daddy, Why
are you making such a fuss?I don't want to hear another word,
But Daddy, you just want toask one question. I'm the boss around

(04:55):
here. I paid the bills.I'm the head of the house. When
I say I'm going to stay intonight, i'd to know who's gonna get
me to go out? I will. Wow, God answered my question.
Hi there, Riley, Oh it'shere, Gillis What are you doing out

(05:16):
here on a potch? I gotnothing better to do? Peg when it
went to the movie, why don'tyou sit in the house, Babbs,
is entertaining a boyfriend. That's noreason you should freeze out here in his
California night in. Well, wewe had a little argument. She didn't
want me around, and you knowwhy, how should I know why?
I ain't the kind of a guygoes around snooping on my next door neighbor.

(05:36):
I told her the reason why shedon't want me you was wrong.
It ain't because you're ignorant, Gillis. You've heard not that you ain't ignorant
Riley. But Babbs has another reasonfor wanting to be alone with that boy.
What other reason could that be?What other reasons? Riley? I

(05:58):
can see you've been married a longlong time. You've forgotten what it's like
to be young. Think back towhen you were a boy. You called
on girls, didn't you? Sure? Lots of time and you had the
house to yourself. Oh sure?What happened? Well, that didn't much.
We'd sit in the parlor and talkand then she'd say, isn't that
light too glaring? And I'd saya little, and so she'd turn it

(06:20):
out. And then well then I'dsay, doesn't the light from that street
lamp bobby you? And she'd saya little. So I'd pulled down the
shades, and then well, thenshe'd say that chair you're sitting on is
a very comfortable lizzard, and I'dsay not very so. Then I'd go
over and sit on the couch besideher, and then and then I and

(06:42):
then I. I'll murder that point, he ain't gonna come around here smoking
my daughter. I'll throw him outon his ear, and I'll wait a
minute while he don't lose your head. You gotta be sure you're grown.
Yeah, you're right, gulous.Maybe we're all wrong about this. This

(07:03):
boy looks like a very nice boy. I took a peek at him when
he came in, Very respectable.Yeah, maybe, but appearances can be
married to seven. I knew ofa young fellaw a fine upstand and clean
cut youth. He called on agoil once for the first time. Inside
of fifteen minutes, he proposes toher. She accepts, and they decided
to elope. But he's got nodough. So what do you think that's

(07:25):
fine, clean cut, upstanding youth? Does he gets the girl? They
tell him where her old man snashesis. Don't takes fifty dollars and the
old man's solid gold watch and chainand they elope and get married. Oh,
I don't believe that no guy couldbe that law? Oh no,
how do you think I got thishere? Watching chain kill us? It

(07:49):
was you. That's how you marriedHorney. B How could you do a
thing like that? Well, Iknow it wasn't right. And to this
very day, I'm still playing tomake every father's day. I write Honeybee's
old man, and I say,pop, forgive him, forget. I'm
willing to give back the watching thefifty dollars. But Honeybee goes back with
him. Jill Us, you don'tthink maybe Babs would? Why she hardly

(08:16):
knows this, George, what sheCome on, gill Us, I got
some investigating that, do I youwith me? J gill Us at your
saying? Us? Quiet, gillUs. They're in the living room here
Wait a minute, right late,they ain't here? Where did they go?
I hear him in the kitchen?Well, come on, not so
fierce, don't go busting in.Just like man says that the situation faced.

(08:41):
Get an earful of that conversation.Oh, I don't like to stoop
to eavesdropping. You gotta stoop.Then Key holds a too low Well,
okay, after all, I'm onlydoing my duty as a father. They're
coming. We gotta hide here herein this closet. Quit it's stuck in
here. Do you eat much oxygen? We'll breathe it all up fast,

(09:03):
yeah, which y'all knows. It'llbe going a note time, Riley.
You better breathe only through one nostril. I'm trying to hear what they're saying.
Can you make out anything? OrI can't hear a thing. I
wish I knew what they were saying. Thanks for the sandwich, Babs,
It just hit the spot. Areyou sure you had enough to eat your

(09:24):
Oh? Plenty? Oh say Babs. How'd you like to go to a
movie the night instead of staying in? Oh? I'd love to. There's
the paper there. Let's see what'splaying around here. Well, let's see
now. Let's Burt Lancaster at therialto Oh I saw that. See this
looks good. The Life of Riley. Oh I saw that too. It's
a scream, but I could seeit again. Oh, I don't want
you to see it twice on myaccount. We'll find something else. Oh,

(09:46):
I don't mind, honest, it'sa very funny picture. If this
Riley character's a riot. You know. We kid Daddy about it. He's
got the same name as the Rileyin the picture Chester. He was going
to sue the movie studio for libel, no kidding. Is there any resemblance?
Oh no, The Riley and themovies a complete goof nothing Like Daddy.
There's one thing where he needs moneyand his kid has a piggy bag

(10:07):
with a big door box. Wellwriting, well, winch, they got
what they're saying. No, no, not yet. They're laughing about something
that I can't hit the words seethem from that keyhole right Let me.
You don't know the technique like Ido. Now watch how I do it.
Face. You brush back all yourhair from behind your ear so you
can make good contact. Then youpull your ear lobe five or six times

(10:30):
like this to tone up the circulation. Then you're instant your little pinky into
the year passage. Shake it afew times. That's the clear out the
dust, the cobwebs, the insects, and et cetera. No, you're
ready, Get down on your leftknee like this and holding the face parallel
to the door, slowly established contactwith the keyhole like this. Well,

(10:52):
okay, I'm doomed in I hearhim laughing. Yea, what did they
saying? Wait? Wait, it'scoming in clear enough? Looking about it?
About you? Me? I thinkso? I keep hearing the name
Riley. Are you sure to talkingabout me? Well, no, I'm
sure. I just hate the way, jerk? What do they mean?

(11:13):
Jersh? Well, well, oh, no matter? Oh this is terrible.
What's terrible? Oh this is hard? No, don't don't. Okay,
it's better. You shouldn't hear.What gives us? I never thought
i'd hear things like that said aboutyou under your own room. I'll throw
him out of here, not him, her her babs. Oh no,

(11:35):
she couldn't. What did she say? Well, I didn't catch every way,
but my general impression was that shethinks you're a big, dumb,
stupid dope. It's no wonder everybody'slaughing at j said. No, no,
not babsy. I don't believe it. She wouldn't say things like that,
No, not about me. Sheloves me. I'm her favorite father.
I won't believe. I won't believeit until I hear it with my

(11:58):
own ears. Okay, let's opendoor, crack. I'll be ready in
a minute, jarge. I justwant to lost the back door. Oh
where'd you put my coat? Babs? In the closet. He's coming to
get his coat. Your friend isI don't want him to see his give
me his coat, our head tohim. You can't do that. Well.
I don't look good for Pats hisfather, to be caught spied in

(12:18):
a closet. She'll never forgive me. He mustn't find out I'm her father.
But I know we'll trick him.Pretend we're burglars. That's what we
got to here. He comes,stick him up? What is it?
I'm pretending I'm a burglar? Imean, wait, desperate, out of
my way? Oh no, youstopping? Happened? Oh oh what happened?

(12:45):
You don't worry, Babs. He'sunconscious. He's a burglar. I
found him hiding in your closet.Had to knock him out. I was
lucky I was here. Look atthat vicious mug. Oh, oh,
daddy, are you hurt? Daddy? She's my father, your father?
Oh? I didn't know? Oh? Who hit me? I'm awfully sorry,

(13:07):
mister Riley. I thought here,let me help you up, get
out of this house. But misterRiley. I'm sorry I hit you.
I thought get out of this house, what sir, Get out of this
house before you break every bone inmy body. Rowl will bring you the

(13:28):
second act of the life of Rileyin just a moment. And now it's
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hair can be radiant. Oh soeasy. All you gotta do is take
me home and squeeze me. I'mTelulaba Tubeufro, and I'll make your hair

(13:52):
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(14:16):
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(14:39):
What happens to Riley would fill abook, so you folks would be
interested in the amusing new book publishedby the movie reader's library called The Life
of Riley. Here's the entire storywith illustrations of the new Life of Riley
motion picture, and it's available nowat your local bookstore. And now back

(15:05):
to the Life of Riley with WilliamBendix as Riley, where our hero,
intellectual, giant, irresistible casanova andintrepid adventurer of the United States Secret Service
is being kicked around by his wifeand daughter. I don't want to hear
any of your excume sation. Iwas never so humiliated all my life.
Tiding in a Closet's fine on yourown daughter. You'll never ask me for

(15:26):
a day again, Bebs. It'sthe most disgraceful thing I ever heard of.
I'll be able to show my faithin school store. I gets around
and all loves every time. Michael, let me park. It's still a
free speech in this country. Ain'tthere not for you? There isn't dictator?

(15:50):
Why could you call me dictator?That's what you are? Another missus
hitler? What possible excuse could youhave for the way you behave? Never
mind how I behaved? What abouthow she behaved? What did? That's
no use denying it. I heardyou're telling a stranger that your own father

(16:11):
is a moron. I heard youin laughing at me. Oh you see,
she admits it. We weren't talkingabout you. We were talking about
the Riley in the movie The Lifeof Riley. You mean the movie?
Oh well, thank you. Itwas just a case of mistaken identity.
Well in that case, I acceptyour apology. You accept her apology.

(16:37):
Well I'm never When are you goingto learn to trust your children and stop
this ever lesson snooping and spying?Oh well, no harm done. You'll
say that every time. I've neverhad a boy come to this house yet
without you're driving him away. AndI'm not going to stand for it anymore.
Babs, what happened happened. It'sfate. There's nothing you can do
about it. Oh, yes thereis. I'm leaving what Virginia Carpenter has

(17:02):
an apartment right there college and she'salways asking me to share it with her,
And this time I'm gonna do itnow, Babsy dear, don't be
silly. H You're gonna get excited. Peg. She just talk and she
don't mean that. You'll see ifI mean it. I'm gonna pack right
now, Babs, come back.Here. You see what you did,

(17:26):
what I did? You didn't bringher upright. A daughter has got to
respect the father. Well, thenwhy don't you act like a father instead
of an FBI agent. Now,well, I'll act like a father,
al right, I'll learn her,Babs. I forbid you to leave this
house. It's no use arguing.Day. I've made up my mom.
I forbid you to leave this outtime seventeen. I've got a right to

(17:47):
leave my own life. I forbidyou to leave this house. There's no
use shouting. I forbid you toleave this house. Please step aside it.
I forbid you to leave this house. Here, I absolutely pay.
I'm getting horse. You forbid herwhile I carved it. Look here about

(18:10):
everybody. I've had enough of yournonsense. You're acting like a silly child.
Mother. Please don't make a seatnow, Babs, she's right.
It's no use arguing with her.There's only one way to settle this,
and settle it fast. Call herbluff. You still want to leave home,
Babs? Yes, well then leave, come on, leave go I
will goodbye. Well I settled thatfast, pack gofter. Well, why

(18:42):
didn't you bring her home with you? Riley? It's better. This way,
I know how to handle Babs.I go to sleep, or she'll
never come back. Yes, shewill. Let HER's day at Virginia.
Tonight you'll have a good cry,and tomorrow morning she'll feel different. Lost
her. We've lost our little babyby me. I tell you she'll be
back tomorrow. Now, go tosleep. Sleep. How can you think

(19:03):
of sleep at a time like this? That's the trouble with you, mothers.
You've never been a father. Riley, Riley, where are you?
I'm out here in the hall.Well what are you doing out there?
Do you realize it's three o'clock inthe morning. Come back to bed.
I couldn't sleep. What's that boxyou got there? I got it from

(19:26):
the closet. It's it's Beds's babythings. Oh, for heaven's sake,
I'm glad we saved them. Atleast we'll have something to remind us of
her. Riley, put that boxaway? Is that being's a silly?
What's the use of having kids yourslave and sacrifice so they'll grow up healthy
and educated in the end, whathave you got the show for it?
A box of family pimentos? Lookher baby shoes. Look here the first

(19:56):
nail that she ever stepped out.And here's the first. She's a fellow,
her head on her first truth.And look at this pretty lack of
hair. Oh that's not babtists hair. I know it's mine. She tore
it out by the roots. Shedidn't even like me. Then, by

(20:18):
lady, she'll be back to Mara. Believe me, really think so.
Yes, I'll go get her now. Stop bawling. Come on, dry
your eye. I haven't got ahandkerchef. We'll hear you use mine.
No hand me her little diapers.I'm glad you came after me, mother,

(20:44):
I was coming home anyway. I'mafraid I hacked it like a silly
child. Forget about it, dear. We were all a little excited.
Who daddy be angry? No,he'll be so happy to see you.
He's been beside himself, couldn't sleepall night, poor daddy. Oh,
babsy, I want to off atthe mark here and get some things for
supper. You go on home,dear, You finally must be very anxious.
I'll be home soon, all right, mother made that's robby? Oh

(21:08):
how missus Brady? How's the baby? Oh he's just fine. He'll be
ten weeks old. Tomorrow. Oh, Beb's here. Could you do me
a big favor? I have totake my little girl, Alice to the
dentist and I can't get anyone tomind the baby. Could you do it
just for half an hour? Well, I've got to get right home.

(21:30):
I know I could take him homewith me and you can pick him up
on your way back. Oh,thank you, Bess. Come on,
Mary, you're coming with bebby halfpast four? Why isn't she here yet?
She should have been here by now. She ain't coming. I know

(21:52):
it. She's never coming back.I can't live without her. If she
don't come back, the Undertaker mightas well come and get me, Patsy.
No, it's the Undertagger, thefriendly one. Dig be odare readings,
Riley, you're looking for You lookhorrible, Digger. I feel awful.

(22:15):
I'm in terrible trouble and account ofmy kid. Ah. Yes,
children can be most DIXI do youknow what my son did? The young
one marble Stone. He felt witha sign from a barber shop and hung
it on the door of my businessestablishment. Who I was furious, Well,
why what did the sign say?Come in? You're next? Well?

(22:42):
I got worse trouble. My Babsran away from home. Oh,
you have my sympathy. It's asad thing when a youngster leaves the parental
route. They come to a bedinn. Like my younger brother. He
was in business with me and ranaway and joined the circus as a wild
animal trainer. To this very daythat never mentions his knee. Why not.
He's known as bring him back alive, Odell or Bigger. Sometimes I

(23:07):
wonder what life is all about.Your work, your slave, You suffer,
and in the end, where doyou wind up? I can give
you your choice of several nice locations. Babs don't come back tonight, never
appears he'll come back. Maybe nottonight, maybe not for years. But
eventually she'll come back, digging forforgiveness. Well it would be too late,

(23:30):
and I won't forgive him. Comecome, Riley, be tolerant.
They'd kick me out of my unionfor saying this. But live and let
live. No, I'm through beingas softly. Your kids take advantage of
you. If you want respect,you've got to be a mean father,
hard cruel. I'll ever forget howshe made me suffer. If she ever
shows up, I'll say to her, out out of my house, Riley,

(23:52):
don't be so Milodromadi. You soundlike a character out of East Lynn.
Yeah. I saw that show,and the father in that play had
the right idea. I'm gonna bejust like he was. I remember the
scene where the daughter comes home witha baby in her arms, begging for
forgiveness, and outside there's a ragingblizzard, and she cries and says,
father, Oh, father, itain't a fit night for man or beast.

(24:15):
Have pity on me and my baby. But does he forgive her?
No? Out, he says,Out, you and your baby out into
the storm, and never dark inmy door again. Hello daddy, I've
come home, out into the snow. Out say you never talking my door
again. You and your baby babyall my cooel little pants, come in

(24:42):
quick before you're free? Should waita minute, baby, Babs? Where
did you spend the night? Virginius? And is missus Brady baby? I'm
just minding him for her. Ohperhaps, I'm so glad you're home.

(25:03):
Excuse me for yelling like I did. I got carried away now, Riley
settled down. You're all excited.No harm done? As I always say
to be gettied away is already well. If it's not being done by Diggerodal,

(25:27):
the Rileys will return in a moment. There's radiance for you in prel
Procter and Gamble's Radiant Cream shampoo.Yes, Pearl leaves hair radiant two ways,
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(25:47):
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So I'll give your hair that radianthair with prel as Taluna says,
I'm to Lula about tube of browand I'll make your hair look swell,
It'll shine, It'll glow, sodamn drop free for radiant. Get a

(26:08):
hold of me, so, Lula, tuball prow show. Riley, where

(26:29):
were you this evening? You leftright after dinner? Yeah, a pay
guy, I got a confession tomake a confession. Yeah, I went
to see that Life of Raley picture. Oh you finally got around to seeing
it? Pay. You know thatRiley character in that picture, he's a
He's a kind of a big happynut. Dainty, well in a way
but amusing, and he's a roughin act and he's always making trouble for

(26:52):
his family. Well you know I'mjust like him. No, yeah,
but don't tell any Well, let'skeep it a secret. Doctor and Gamble
invite you to join us again nextweek to hear the Life of Briley.
The New Life of Riley movie,starring William Bendix is Riley. We'll open

(27:17):
this week in Saint Paul's Spokane,Washington and Richmond, Virginia. Tonight's script
is by Reuben ship Allan Lipscott andDick Powell. Missus Riley is Paula Winslow.
The Girl O'Dell is John Brown,Babs is Barbara Eiler. The Life
O'briley is produced by Irving Brecker.And don't forget Prell's radio offer of a
lovely rainproof rain scarf closes midnight Monday, May night, So hurry send your

(27:40):
name of address with twenty five centsand any size pel carton to PREL,
Cincinnati, Ohio. Be sure tostate your color choice rose, blue,
green, or yellow. Send toPREL Cincinnati, Ohio for your rain scarf.
Now. This offer is good inthe United States Home, Hi,

(28:07):
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Wash your dishes in ivory snows.Let your hands tell you why ivory
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(28:32):
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The only soap both ivory mild andgranulated for efficiency. Yes for speedier
dishwashing. For snow white hands,try wonderful ivory snow. How. This

(29:03):
is Kenn Niles reminding you to tuneinto this NBC station every Friday night for
Jimmy Durranty, Eddie Canter, RedSkelton, and the Life of Riley Tonight.
The preceding program was transcribed. Thisis NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.

(29:33):
Please send your questions and comments tohost at Classic Comedy OTR dot com
until next time. In the wordsof Byron Katie, forgiveness is just another
name for freedom.