August 9, 2025 • 8 mins
These wolves seem uninterested in marriage.
Hello, comedy4cast listeners and odd news enthusiasts! We're back with another installment in our month-long look at strange-but-true stories. This time, we're heading to the ranchlands of the American West, where a surprisingly modern solution is being used to solve a very old problem.
When a rancher's cattle are being targeted by wolves, what's a person to do? The U.S. Department of Agriculture has an idea. And a high-tech one at that! This episode dives into the details of this high-flying approach to wildlife management.
What's involved? Let's just say that these wolves are about to get an earful. You'll have to listen to find out just what kind of auditory assault these drones are bringing to the battle.
After our main story, we're taking a trip back to the archives for our Platinum Anniversary (PAC) clip. This one is from an April 18, 2009 episode and features the one and only Jake Filbuster attempting to give a simple, straightforward commentary on a hot topic: Zombies.
Jake has some very strong, very hilarious opinions on the living dead and why they may not be right for today's fast-paced world. Whether you're a long-time listener or this is your first time hearing Jake's unique brand of commentary, it's a classic that's not to be missed.
So, click that "play" button and tune in to hear tales of tech and zombies. All in one show!
Thanks for being a part of the comedy4cast family!
>> Support comedy4cast by becoming a patron on Patreon>> Or you can get Clinton a Dunkin' card or a cup of coffee via Ko-Fi>> Follow comedy4cast on BlueSky, Instagram, Facebook, MeWe, and Mastodon >> Give us a call via the Super Secret Phone Line (213) 290-4451>> Also check out Clinton's other podcast, The Topic is Trek>> Certain sounds effects heard on comedy4cast are courtesy of freeSFX and FreeSound.org
Click here for a transcript of this episode.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
The comedy4cast Network. Let's dog-ear that for now.
It's time once again for the Dog Days of Podcasting, a call for podcasters to
try to put out a podcast every day in August.
For more information, go to dogdaysofpodcasting.com.
(00:21):
We always take this month to provide you with some interesting,
yet totally useless, odd news.
And this year, to celebrate the Platinum Anniversary of comedy4cast,
or PAC for short, we'll end each Dog Day episode with part of a classic comedy4cast episode.
So, let's get started with Odd News, PAC!
(00:45):
Northern California rancher Mary Rickert has a problem.
She's the owner of Prather Ranch, a sustainable and environmentally friendly beef operation.
But her cattle herd is shrinking, not from some strange genetic mutation or
evil scientist's nefarious shrink ray.
(01:06):
It's because of wolves.
Gray wolves, to be specific, that are wreaking havoc on Rickert's and other ranchers' livestock.
Rickert says that it's as if the wolves were treating her calves like a drive-thru
at Burger King, possibly implying that the wolves have learned how to operate motor vehicles.
(01:27):
Please pull your pack forward to the next window.
It's difficult to deal with the gray wolves because they are endangered,
meaning it's illegal to harm them.
I'm not even sure you can take away their driver's licenses.
But don't worry, the U.S.
Department of Agriculture has come up with a plan, and it involves drones.
(01:48):
Hey, at least it's not AI. But these are no ordinary drones.
These are wolf-annoying drones that are outfitted with special equipment,
starting with sophisticated thermal cameras.
That can spot the wolves lurking in the darkness, even if they have their cell phones turned off.
(02:09):
Once they're spotted, the drone's powerful spotlight kicks on.
Fun fact, wolves are notoriously afraid of spotlights. It's why you don't see them on Broadway.
Wall Street, maybe, but never on the great right way.
And even if the spotlight doesn't drive the wolves back into the woods,
not to be confused with the Stephen Sondheim musical Into the Woods,
(02:31):
which obviously no real wolf has ever starred in because of the whole spotlight thing,
even if the lights don't work, the drone has one more trick up its wing. A loudspeaker.
The auditory salvo begins with the sounds of fireworks.
And gunshots. If that's still not enough, then it's on to stage two,
(02:53):
which includes blasting out teeth-rattlers like ACDC's 1990 rock anthem, Thunderstruck.
Which we obviously don't have the budget to license.
And if the wolves are still hanging around, the drone proceeds to stage three,
the non-nuclear nuclear option, the ultimate weapon, the big one.
(03:22):
The audio from Scarlett Johansson's and Adam Driver's epic yelling match in
the 2019 film Marriage Story, which again, we don't have clearance to play. But it's true.
In one case, these drones were deployed in an area in Oregon where 11 cows had
been killed by wolves in a 20-day period.
After 85 days of the drone's booming recordings, only two cows were killed.
(03:47):
But this strategy does have a downside.
Not a single gray wolf bought a ticket to see Jurassic World rebirth this summer.
They want nothing to do with Johansson.
And now, let's celebrate 20 years of comedy forecast with this classic clip.
This clip is from the April 18, 2009 episode.
(04:09):
In it, I have best Jake Filbuster to tone down his act and deliver a simple commentary.
And now, That's My View with Jake Filbuster!
Who is that person? So, it would appear that my editorial this time is a request
(04:35):
from Scott that veers about zombies in today's society.
Oh, I know what you're thinking. This is going to be some hyperbole-filled piece
about how we need to panic when it comes to zombies.
Or it's going to be another sympathy ploy. Oh, we need to save the Texas prairie zombie.
(04:57):
Not on your life. I think zombies are, for the lack of a better term, a dying breed.
They're just all wrong for today's fast-paced society.
Let's face it. They're slower than my grandmother's rascal scooter. In reverse.
Uphill. I mean, have you ever tried to let one of them cross the street in front of you?
(05:20):
Ugh, it's take one step, stop, pick up arm, take one step, stop,
put shoulder back in socket.
The only thing worse is seeing them at the annual Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, Spain.
They may as well wear yellow shirts that say Speed Bump on them.
(05:43):
Speaking of which, zombies also lack the fashion sense to make it today.
Sure, Zombie Murrah's flannel shirt overalls and clogs may have looked great in 1998,
but wearing the same outfit every single day for over a decade,
no matter how torn, dirty, and stinky it is, isn't winning you any points with the living.
(06:03):
It will just allow you to go undetected at most sci-fi conventions.
Now, lest you think I'm completely anti-zombie, let me tell you that I tried to hire a zombie once.
Things were going relatively well until we got to those last few checkboxes.
U.S. citizen.
Grrrr. Check. Male or female. Grrrr. Best guess then!
(06:31):
Grr. Check. Dead or alive?
Grr. I'm sorry, there's no checkbox for undead. Either you're dead or you're alive.
Grr. Look, do you want this job or not? Pick a side and run with it.
In the end, I hired an ogre.
(06:54):
So I say the days or nights of the living dead are numbered.
That's my view. I'm Jake Filbuster.
There. How was that? That wasn't what I needed at all. Oh, sorry.
Hey, but I have good news for you. Giles called from the front desk.
(07:16):
Apparently a bunch of your fans are down in the lobby waiting for you.
Ah, they must want my autograph.
No. They said something about brains.
That can't be good. Lucky I have plenty to spare. Now, where is that ogre of mine?
(07:38):
That about wraps it up for today's Odd News PAC.
But first, a shout-out to the comedy4cast Patreon patrons,
including our producer-level patrons, Paul Barrie from the A Window to the Magic
podcast and Kirby Bartlett-Sloan from the 20-megabyte Doctor Who podcast.
You, too, can support comedy4cast and get episodes before everyone else
(08:00):
for as little as $2 a month.
Just search for comedy4cast, all one word with the number 4, on Patreon.com.
Script, voices, and original music by me, Clinton Alvord. Copyright 2025. All rights reserved.
Talk to you again next time. But for now, that's it. We're done,
(08:22):
done, done, done, done. Bye-bye.
Music.
The comedy4cast Network. Let's dog-ear that for now.
It's time once again for the Dog Days of Podcasting, a call for podcasters to
try to put out a podcast every day in August.
For more information, go to dogdaysofpodcasting.com.
(00:21):
We always take this month to provide you with some interesting,
yet totally useless, odd news.
And this year, to celebrate the Platinum Anniversary of comedy4cast,
or PAC for short, we'll end each Dog Day episode with part of a classic comedy4cast episode.
So, let's get started with Odd News, PAC!
(00:45):
Northern California rancher Mary Rickert has a problem.
She's the owner of Prather Ranch, a sustainable and environmentally friendly beef operation.
But her cattle herd is shrinking, not from some strange genetic mutation or
evil scientist's nefarious shrink ray.
(01:06):
It's because of wolves.
Gray wolves, to be specific, that are wreaking havoc on Rickert's and other ranchers' livestock.
Rickert says that it's as if the wolves were treating her calves like a drive-thru
at Burger King, possibly implying that the wolves have learned how to operate motor vehicles.
(01:27):
Please pull your pack forward to the next window.
It's difficult to deal with the gray wolves because they are endangered,
meaning it's illegal to harm them.
I'm not even sure you can take away their driver's licenses.
But don't worry, the U.S.
Department of Agriculture has come up with a plan, and it involves drones.
(01:48):
Hey, at least it's not AI. But these are no ordinary drones.
These are wolf-annoying drones that are outfitted with special equipment,
starting with sophisticated thermal cameras.
That can spot the wolves lurking in the darkness, even if they have their cell phones turned off.
(02:09):
Once they're spotted, the drone's powerful spotlight kicks on.
Fun fact, wolves are notoriously afraid of spotlights. It's why you don't see them on Broadway.
Wall Street, maybe, but never on the great right way.
And even if the spotlight doesn't drive the wolves back into the woods,
not to be confused with the Stephen Sondheim musical Into the Woods,
(02:31):
which obviously no real wolf has ever starred in because of the whole spotlight thing,
even if the lights don't work, the drone has one more trick up its wing. A loudspeaker.
The auditory salvo begins with the sounds of fireworks.
And gunshots. If that's still not enough, then it's on to stage two,
(02:53):
which includes blasting out teeth-rattlers like ACDC's 1990 rock anthem, Thunderstruck.
Which we obviously don't have the budget to license.
And if the wolves are still hanging around, the drone proceeds to stage three,
the non-nuclear nuclear option, the ultimate weapon, the big one.
(03:22):
The audio from Scarlett Johansson's and Adam Driver's epic yelling match in
the 2019 film Marriage Story, which again, we don't have clearance to play. But it's true.
In one case, these drones were deployed in an area in Oregon where 11 cows had
been killed by wolves in a 20-day period.
After 85 days of the drone's booming recordings, only two cows were killed.
(03:47):
But this strategy does have a downside.
Not a single gray wolf bought a ticket to see Jurassic World rebirth this summer.
They want nothing to do with Johansson.
And now, let's celebrate 20 years of comedy forecast with this classic clip.
This clip is from the April 18, 2009 episode.
(04:09):
In it, I have best Jake Filbuster to tone down his act and deliver a simple commentary.
And now, That's My View with Jake Filbuster!
Who is that person? So, it would appear that my editorial this time is a request
(04:35):
from Scott that veers about zombies in today's society.
Oh, I know what you're thinking. This is going to be some hyperbole-filled piece
about how we need to panic when it comes to zombies.
Or it's going to be another sympathy ploy. Oh, we need to save the Texas prairie zombie.
(04:57):
Not on your life. I think zombies are, for the lack of a better term, a dying breed.
They're just all wrong for today's fast-paced society.
Let's face it. They're slower than my grandmother's rascal scooter. In reverse.
Uphill. I mean, have you ever tried to let one of them cross the street in front of you?
(05:20):
Ugh, it's take one step, stop, pick up arm, take one step, stop,
put shoulder back in socket.
The only thing worse is seeing them at the annual Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, Spain.
They may as well wear yellow shirts that say Speed Bump on them.
(05:43):
Speaking of which, zombies also lack the fashion sense to make it today.
Sure, Zombie Murrah's flannel shirt overalls and clogs may have looked great in 1998,
but wearing the same outfit every single day for over a decade,
no matter how torn, dirty, and stinky it is, isn't winning you any points with the living.
(06:03):
It will just allow you to go undetected at most sci-fi conventions.
Now, lest you think I'm completely anti-zombie, let me tell you that I tried to hire a zombie once.
Things were going relatively well until we got to those last few checkboxes.
U.S. citizen.
Grrrr. Check. Male or female. Grrrr. Best guess then!
(06:31):
Grr. Check. Dead or alive?
Grr. I'm sorry, there's no checkbox for undead. Either you're dead or you're alive.
Grr. Look, do you want this job or not? Pick a side and run with it.
In the end, I hired an ogre.
(06:54):
So I say the days or nights of the living dead are numbered.
That's my view. I'm Jake Filbuster.
There. How was that? That wasn't what I needed at all. Oh, sorry.
Hey, but I have good news for you. Giles called from the front desk.
(07:16):
Apparently a bunch of your fans are down in the lobby waiting for you.
Ah, they must want my autograph.
No. They said something about brains.
That can't be good. Lucky I have plenty to spare. Now, where is that ogre of mine?
(07:38):
That about wraps it up for today's Odd News PAC.
But first, a shout-out to the comedy4cast Patreon patrons,
including our producer-level patrons, Paul Barrie from the A Window to the Magic
podcast and Kirby Bartlett-Sloan from the 20-megabyte Doctor Who podcast.
You, too, can support comedy4cast and get episodes before everyone else
(08:00):
for as little as $2 a month.
Just search for comedy4cast, all one word with the number 4, on Patreon.com.
Script, voices, and original music by me, Clinton Alvord. Copyright 2025. All rights reserved.
Talk to you again next time. But for now, that's it. We're done,
(08:22):
done, done, done, done. Bye-bye.
Music.
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