August 5, 2025 • 26 mins
In this episode, host, Melissa Peruch, discusses an overview of eating disorders and goals for this series with Betsy Foldes Meiman, from Connectopod. The mission of restrictED is to open these types of conversations, help spread awareness, and take down serious stereotypes. Melissa shares her personal journey with an eating disorder, how her battle made her stronger, and how it is possible to no longer be restrictED. Thank you so much for joining us!
Transcript Available for restrictED Episode 01 (link)
Resources for Support:
Books:
- "Life Without Ed" by Jenni Schaefer
- "Hunger for Life" by Andy Marr
- "Good Girls: A Story & Study of Anorexia" by Hadley Freeman
- "Unrestrict-ED" (https://open.spotify.com/show/0XOxPP7kAWRC9CZLlH5U1m?si=12dff0b16f0a49d7")
- "The Eating Disorder Diaries" (https://open.spotify.com/show/7iVxO2jieeKqsno3YVeFUe?si=ba14e7adfa414243)
- "Psychology Unplugged" (https://open.spotify.com/show/7wkYuqWC8z51nfetiZCTbT?si=166381c8df0142f0)
- "Therapy Thoughts" (https://open.spotify.com/show/4298EkFJWEK6VAxKARB7bS?si=47983d98f9374d9e)
- Ro Mitchell (https://www.youtube.com/@RoMitchell)
- Linda Sun (https://www.youtube.com/@lindasunyt)
- Sierra Ann (https://www.youtube.com/@SierraAnn)
- National Associated of Anorexia Nervosa & Associated Disorders- ANAD (https://anad.org/)
- F.E.A.S.T. (https://www.feast-ed.org/)
- Eating Disorder Hope (https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/)
- Project HEAL (https://www.theprojectheal.org/)
- Body Dysmorphic Disorder Foundation (https://bddfoundation.org/)
- Teen Line (https://www.teenline.org/)
- The Tribe (https://support.therapytribe.com/)
- Samaritans (https://samaritanshope.org/)
- ANAD Helpline- 1 (888) 375-7767
- National Alliance for Eating Disorders Helpline- 1 (866) 662-1235
- Suicide & Crisis Helpline- 988
- Crisis Text Line- "HOME" to 741-741
Produced By: Melissa Peruch (@p3ruch.me)
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:06):
I think the greatest lesson lifehas ever given me is that we
are not designed to be fixed.
We are meant to be understood.
Hey everyone, my name is Melissa Peruch.
I'm here with ConnectoPod with my programseries, "restrictED" I'm here to talk
a little bit about eating disorders.
What they are, what they aren't,take down some of the discrepancies
(00:29):
and stereotypes that surroundthemselves around eating disorders.
This will be a multiple part serieswhere we help people heal themselves
who are suffering from an eatingdisorder or support those that are
helping others who are trying to heal.
We will get to interview someamazing individuals and dissect
the intricacies around this topic.
Thank you so much for joining us.
(00:54):
Quick disclaimer, throughout thisseries we will touch on triggering
content, including discussions onweight, suicidal ideation, body
dysmorphia, dieting, and depression.
If at any point the content is harmingyour own journey toward recovery,
please feel free to skip ahead.
If you or anyone you know issuffering from mental health,
there will be a list of resourcesdown below in the description.
(01:18):
In this episode,
Betsy Foldes Meiman
from Connectopod helps me introducethis project and share some more
about my personal experience.
Let's get into it.
My name is Melissa Peruch.
I'm 18 years old.
I'm a college freshman attendingthe University of Southern
California, and we're here heretoday with Betsy from ConnectoPod.
(01:39):
My inspiration for this projectis the fact that I went through an
eating disorder for several years.
I want to say four and a halfyears and I want to say, like,
almost a year now in recovery.
And so I was inspired to talk about itbecause throughout my road to recovery,
I was really inspired into, the waythat I got out of things and the things
(02:02):
that I learned through, like, reading.
And looking at resources andjust finding more things out.
If I was able to come out the otherend, like I did, I wanted to be able
to have a platform where people cantalk about it more, And part of that
stems from the fact that my familyhad a very difficult time trying to
understand everything that was going on.
(02:22):
And I feel like it gives alot of closure to families.
And people that know other people witheating disorders to be able to learn
about it And just give out advice andresources and be able to give closure
to the people with an eating disorder tolet them know that it's not their fault.
And it's not at their hands.
And also to the people who know someonewho's suffering with an eating disorder
(02:43):
They don't need to fix that person andit's not their responsibility, but there
are certain things that they can do.
And also just address some of thethings that are not helpful and some
of the things that shouldn't be said.
And at the end of this, I hope itreaches a lot of people and I hope
people can learn something from it.
' Learning about this fromyou is really interesting.
(03:04):
I think you have a very unique voice aboutit because when we met you, when we were
doing the Domestic Violence AwarenessProject with the library back in 21,
Right.
And it was, you came off as so confident.
And such a leader, right?
So when you came back to us withthis idea, that was really shocking
to me to know that you were inthe throes of this back then.
(03:25):
Right.
And so can you speak to how itoften hits people that are very
together and very ambitious.
That's how they look to the outside world.
But can you talk about thatdichotomy of what it's like?
Yeah, definitely.
So ever since I've been little,I've always been like the leader.
And I oftentimes take thatresponsibility because.
(03:47):
I, realized that nobody really hadthe confidence to take the lead.
So I felt like it was up to me, but alsoI learned to love the role because I found
so much freedom and it felt so gratifyingto be able to lead different people.
How did you find freedom in leading?
I think it comes with the fact thatyou're the one that's calling the shots
(04:09):
and letting people know where thingsare going, how to do certain things.
But also I get so attachedto people so easily.
So whenever I meet people, Iautomatically care for them.
And so it's that sense of care that mademe loving the role of a leader because
in a sense, not only was I leading, but Iwas also caring for these people So a lot
(04:32):
of the times eating disorder develops inpeople that are very ambitious so the way
that the brain works is very interesting.
I'm studying a neuropharmacologyclass at college.
We are all wired for addictionand it comes out in different
ways and it's because our brainis wired to recognize patterns.
(04:54):
And once we recognize patterns,it brings us a sense of euphoria.
Or it connects us to that, becausethen we can replicate it and being
able to replicate it and gain thatindependence is what makes it so euphoric.
So oftentimes we can seethis in everyday life.
So, like, when peoplehave, like, a schedule.
they know I'm going toget up at this time.
(05:15):
I'm going to eat at this time.
I know my times for my mealsor certain activities that can
be deemed a type of addiction.
And it's because since you have sucha set routine, you know, what's coming
up, you know, what you're doing sothat brings some sort of gratification.
Eating disorders is a form of addictionbecause you take that sense of control
and you're able to plan certain things.
(05:37):
And it happens in people who are aleader of their own independence or
of their own lives because eatingdisorders feed on those traits.
So, obviously, you have to be superstrategic with, like, certain things that
you do or, like, the way that you hidean eating disorder in the first place.
There's also thisprelude to perfectionism.
I was once a perfectionist.
I loved school and I loved beingable to give the best at what I did.
(06:02):
And feeding off of like the praise thatI got whenever I got like let's say
an A or let's say someone complimentedmy drawing I think it was another
external source of euphoria where youfeel people realize it and so that
kind of fed into my perfectionism.
And so I became a perfectionistand making sure I did this right
(06:23):
or oh if I didn't like this I woulderase it and start from square one.
And also that distorts theway that you view the world.
Because even though it's all fun andgames in the beginning when you're getting
praise and everything, it slowly consumesthe way that you view certain things.
It's not about being perfectanymore, it's about being the best.
It's kind of like gainingtolerance to a drug, I would say.
(06:44):
Where like certain things I used todo aren't good enough anymore and you
kind of have to, like, leap forwardand gain a new, like, normal, And so
it feeds off of that, and then youget more and more distorted, and I
think that kind of started skewingits way toward other aspects, so
it wasn't just like work anymore.
It was also like, oh, I don't likethe way my eyebrows look, or I
(07:07):
don't like the way my hair looks.
And it starts seeping through.
And then it becomes an internal thingafter it started being an external thing.
And that's the terrible ironyof this kind of disorder, right?
Because it seems like from theoutside when you brought this to
me, I didn't really know that muchabout eating disorders, right?
And, but you know, what it seemslike is it seems like the person
(07:28):
suffering it is somehow weak,but it's exactly the opposite.
You had said to us that you feltstrong, the strongest when you were
the most controlling in your disorder.
Can you speak to that?
Of course.
When I started getting intomy eating disorder, I felt
physically and mentally weak.
But, obviously, when I had momentsof control, like, when I was looking
(07:52):
at what I was putting into my body,I felt the strongest because eating
disorders, contrary to popularbelief, it's not a physical disorder.
It's a mental disorder.
And I think that's where thisdiscrepancy of the name comes in.
So, an eating disorder relies a lotabout the control or the lack of control,
(08:13):
and when you feel a lack of control incertain sectors of your life, an eating
disorder helps you take that controlback because it directs that control
to something that is completely yours.
So the way that you eat, the waythat you take care of yourself, the
way that you diet, is completelyup to you because it's your body.
So I feel like it's the maximumsense of control, where it's like
(08:34):
you decide what's going in yourbody, you decide what's coming out.
And eating disorders have a very funnyway of distorting your reality of things.
It makes one think that starvingyourself is the way to feel most
powerful when oftentimes people don'teven realize what they're doing.
Like, I know for myself and my part, Ididn't even realize what was happening
(08:54):
or that it was getting out of hand.
What made you realizethat you were in trouble?
In 8th grade in the middle of the year,we were doing a standardized thing for P.
E.
Part of it was we had to do,like, height and weight checks.
Me and my friends, we wereclose with our PE teacher.
So we helped with the recording.
(09:15):
I was managing the weight line and Ithink that's where it really started.
I started seeing numbers And society has avery funny way and indirect way of telling
you that numbers is what matters the most.
And at the end of the day,we're all deduced to numbers.
So I was looking at the girlsweights, writing them down and I was
looking at how low the numbers were.
(09:38):
And then it got to me,my turn in the line.
And then I stepped on that weight and Isaw that number and my heart broke because
I was not in the range that they were.
And so I walked away with that, likenot knowing how to feel or not knowing
how to think because there were onlytwo girls that were in that hundreds
range or like a little bit above thatand it was me and this other girl.
(10:01):
And so just knowing that I was likean outlier to the data that I was
collecting made it feel so overwhelmingbecause I didn't know what to think.
So as an overachiever, thatlooked like failure to you.
Yeah.
And the fact that I denotedthat as failure was like, I've
got to do something about it.
And then after that, we knew thatwe were getting ready for like
culmination for eighth grade.
(10:21):
So we were dress shopping.
I was thinking like, like,this is a big day, I want to
look and I want to feel good.
So, when I was dress shoppingand I was trying on dresses,
I just didn't feel good.
I started noticing small things, like, oh,my arms look too big in this dress, And
so I started watching what I was eatingAnd I did lose some weight for graduation.
(10:45):
And just seeing the number, likego down I was happy about it.
So we went to culmination, wetook pictures and all that.
And toward culmination, theywere promoting like a trip.
So my eighth grade was going to do atrip to New York and Washington, DC,
so I was really excited and I finallyconvinced my parents to let me go.
(11:07):
This is after we culminated.
So we were in summer break andwe had, a few weeks to prepare
and so, I was looking back atthe pictures with my friends.
and I was like, the biggest outof the group in the picture.
Things started not sittingright with myself again.
Then the trip came.
So when we arrived just reflectingon, like, the pictures I started
(11:29):
to make decisions on my own.
When it was breakfast, I wouldbe like, oh, I'm not hungry.
Small excuses to, instead of trying toexercise more, I was like, okay, if I want
this to work, maybe I should eat less.
But unfortunately, I took it tomuch a dramatic toll to the point
where I wasn't just eating less.
(11:49):
I was just not eating I challenged myselfto eat the least possible that I can on
this trip to see if it makes a change Andso that's basically where it culminated.
So you started after eighth grade andthen somewhere in your ninth grade
year, that's when you were diagnosed.
So what, what led to you being diagnosed?
(12:11):
When did your parents start realizingsomething was wrong and when did
you end up getting diagnosed?
When I came back from the trip thelack of food, the lack of energy.
I came back, like, grumpy, andnot the same, And then slowly, but
surely I started trying to make upexcuses not to eat my mom's food.
(12:32):
Or I picked up a regiment where I wouldlike go outside and like run around
and it became obsessive exercise.
And then COVID hit, and I was back athome, It started to become more difficult
because I had to change my strategiesBut I just continued with like the
(12:52):
lies that like, oh, I'm not hungry.
I started eating less, soI cut it down on portions.
Started cutting out carbs completely.
Then I went to sugars completely.
So how, how is your health at this point?
So my health wasn't lookingtoo good to be realistic.
Like I wasn't eating because of thelack of energy, I was very lethargic.
(13:14):
I was always cold.
My hair started falling off.
And so the way that I got diagnosed isone day, my mom was making breakfast.
And I went straight to the bathroomand then I come out and I see that
there's a plate served on the table.
And so my mom's like,"I made you breakfast.
Can you sit down and eat?"
I was like, "I'm not hungry."
(13:37):
And so it was like back and forth.
I was trying to convince her,but, she, got really frustrated.
She stormed out of the kitchen,and so I felt really bad.
At this point I was crying because Ihated having arguments with my mom.
And my sister was there.
And so I was sitting there and I waslike, well now I got to eat cause now
(13:58):
I feel guilty for making my mom upset.
But then another part of mewas like, I can't eat though.
But I tried to make the effort andas soon as I put the bread in my
mouth, I was crying hysterically.
and I was hyperventilating.
All of a sudden I couldn't move myfingers and I couldn't feel my legs.
I was having a panic attack and my sisterwas terrified of the image that was
(14:21):
happening right in front of her becauseshe didn't know any better either.
And so she was just telling my momand then I started calming down.
My parents were super concernedso they took me to the ER anyways.
And so, they did some tests, and theytook my height, weight, and then that's
when the doctor came, with the diagnosison there, and the moments that I heard
(14:41):
those words, reality hit me in the face.
You have Anorexia Nervosa.
I was like 80 pounds.
They were telling me thatit was abnormally skinny for
like my age and my height.
And I was surprised that they let me goto be honest for the state that I was in.
I honestly thought that they were going tosend me to like an inpatient institution,
(15:02):
they actually let me go, and all theyhad to tell me was to start eating more.
And they told me, "because if you loseone more pound, you're not going to live."
So it was at the point of like,you would die if you lost new.
And they were just like,okay, here's the packet.
See ya.
Yeah.
They gave my mom the packet.
They didn't like read it to her.
(15:23):
They gave it to her so she wouldread in her own time describing
what it was, symptoms like,behavior changes and all of that.
Obviously when I heard those words,you hear an actual tangible diagnosis
and you're like, this is what I am.
And did you agree with their assessment?
Or was it like, well,they don't really know me.
It's funny because when you'redeveloping an eating disorder, you
(15:43):
know that it's wrong but it's kind oflike another voice invades your head.
I like to describe it like there'stwo people in one body because
oftentimes I'd have my normal thoughtsand they would compete with like
distorted thoughts that would come in.
So, I agreed with that, the diagnosis.
I felt like it was relevantto what was going on.
(16:04):
The fact that he just told me toeat more that didn't really sit well
with me because like, you don't goin and tell depressed people just
be happy or you don't tell peoplewith OCD just stop their rituals.
or people with ADHD to just stop movingSo it was like, if it's in the realm
(16:25):
of a disorder and there's obviouslysomething going on here, like, how do
you just tell a person to just eat?
Why do you think that is like, whatsets that up in our society where we can
look at all those other disorders andhave empathy and sympathy, but when we
look at young, young girls, especiallyI know eating disorders are across
genders, but when we look at younggirls, we're just like, oh, get over it.
(16:48):
Why do you think that is?
I feel like oftentimes that happensbecause, since eating is a survival
instinct, there's no thought to it.
If you're hungry, you just eat.
So it's like, if you're noteating what's wrong with you?
With girls
there's a lot of notions of she's noteating because she wants attention
but it's just the lack of knowledgethat goes behind eating disorders
(17:09):
because it's it's a real thing
So how did you begin to work your wayout of it and how long did it take you?
It took me very long.
Because it was in COVID,it was so difficult.
So it almost felt like I was neverable to have a fresh breath of air
because I was always in the same place.
And it was always thesame things that happened.
(17:31):
And I would always bracemyself for the same things.
It became so much tension thatI would always have at least
one argument every single day.
So the process of acquiring thisdisorder goes from comparing yourself
And becomes physical and then it's abody dysmorphia and then it's about
(17:52):
control and controlling your life andyour choices of what you're eating.
And then it becomes, actualfear of the food, right?
And I like to compare it with likepeople who develop a drug addiction
because like starvation was my drug.
And once you acquire it, you need more.
(18:12):
So you start eating less.
So you gain more tolerance.
And you can't dissociate from it.
And I think the process of realizationreally came, it was one dream that I had.
I was at a park I was on a on a swingset and I was looking around at the park.
There was this mother and her child,they turned to the swing set and
(18:34):
they, they see me and the child staresat me and he points at me and he
starts crying because he's scared.
They quickly run away and so, Igot, like, a mirror out of somewhere
beside me, and I looked at myself,and I was horrified with what I saw.
(18:56):
And so I realized if Ikeep losing weight, this is
what I'm going to look like.
And so that was the first realization, butunfortunately I don't think it was enough
for me to actually launch into recovery.
But what really hit mewas my mom had a dream.
She was just sitting somewhere and shecouldn't see anything because it was
all misty, all she heard was a voice.
(19:18):
Hmm.
That's it.
And the voice told her, " takecare of your daughter and make
sure she gets better because shehas a bright future ahead of her."
She told me the morning of and Iwas just crying because at that
point I did not envision a future.
I was unfortunatelyproactive in self harm.
(19:40):
Or it was more of like the idea ofself harm and like small things.
I felt so guilty for being such aburden to my family and I started
seeing it more and more because Iwould see like, I didn't even have
the energy to play with my brother.
And so it just became heartbreakingbecause I couldn't be the sister that he
(20:05):
wanted me to be I felt like I couldn'tbe the daughter that my parents wanted
me to be I couldn't be the supportsystem up that my sister wanted me to be.
I was like, they'rehappy when I'm not there,
so what difference does itmake if I'm not here anymore?
So when I heard that, it it wassomething like a wake up call
(20:27):
So that's when I accepted like,okay, yeah, I need to recover.
And so I started my journey from there.
I think what was most helpful is Iread a book on eating disorders and
I, I read a book of a person thathad an eating disorder for 20 years.
And she wrote a book about her experience.
(20:47):
That's when I started realizing, like,I was blaming myself all these years
for being such a horrible person, butthere's such a clear distinction between
who you are and who you want to be,and what an eating disorder convinces
you to be or convinces you to want.
I am not my eating disorder.
And I think another thing that playsinto it is the fact that when people
(21:08):
develop eating disorders, It's alwaysanorexic, bulimic, or binge eater, and
I think we need to stop that becauseit gives a notion that you are your
disorder, rather than saying a personwith anorexia, a person with bulimia,
a person that's struggling with adisorder, not a person who is a disorder.
(21:32):
Wow.
And so then did you do therapy?
Did you go like atraditional route or did you?
Figure this out on your own.
Throughout COVID, my momwas trying to convince me.
But I think because I was sosick, I had two big fears.
My biggest fears were, one theywere going to take my control away.
(21:56):
Or two they were goingto send me to inpatient.
I didn't want to go into any of thoseinstitutions where they focused on
forcing me to eat when I wasn't ready.
So long story short, I never actuallywent to therapy, but I did find
therapy through different sources.
And like I said, Istarted reading about it.
I started learning about it more.
(22:17):
I started reading personal accounts.
And so that became my primary modeof therapy because once I started
uncovering it and learning aboutit is when I started being able to
defeat it and develop strategies
now to try to counter it.
And it's, it's very funny becauseoftentimes eating disorders come from
(22:38):
a sense of wanting control, but whenyou develop an eating disorder, you
lose control and that eating disordermakes you think you have control, but
once you start recovering from it iswhen you actually gain your control.
Wow.
So you said before that you think itshouldn't be called an eating disorder.
What would you call it?
Maybe there's not so much an issueof where the name comes from.
(23:00):
I think there's more of an issueof how people interpret it.
Because it distorts the types oftreatments that are provided and.
it's not about the patient,it's about the appetite.
I felt like, in every interaction I hadwith my eating disorder, everything was
(23:20):
a surface level of it, and they werejust trying to get me at a healthy weight
without actually trying to understand me.
Those interactions that I had,they, they like opened my eyes
to like the medical community.
And that's what you want to do now, right?
You're pre med, right?
Yeah.
So I'm in school on a pre med track tobe a pediatrician, and a lot of people
start in the pre med track and thentowards the end they, they drop out.
(23:41):
But I really have a passion tobe a pediatrician specifically
because I told myself that if Istart from the root of things, I
can prevent things from happening.
So if I'm treating children who aregoing to have increasing use of social
media, and they're going to see more andmore things that are going to influence
(24:02):
their own perception of themselves,I want to be able to start from that,
from the root to give them a healthysense of what track they're in, what
health should be, so that then theywon't have a distorted view of what it
is, and they won't hopefully developthings like an eating disorder, body
(24:23):
dysmorphia, or other things that couldprevent them from a happy, healthy life.
Where does your where doesyour eating disorder stand now?
Have you fully conquered it?
Is it still there?
Are you in recovery?
So I fluctuated from AnorexiaNervosa to Binge Eating Disorder.
But now I'm in a good place, I'min a point where I understand
(24:46):
what eating disorders are.
I have read about it ,I have lived throughit enough to be able to talk about it.
I'm in a place where I've grownbeyond that I don't necessarily
regret what happened because I'min a place where I understand it
wasn't my fault in the first place.
I didn't choose to havean eating disorder.
I can talk about it and I knowenough about it to help other people.
(25:09):
Yeah.
Right.
Your empathy is so built from experience.
It's really authentic.
It's been a lot, but it's helpedme grow a lot as a person.
I've met a lot of people who have toldme I sound much older than my actual age.
Life experiences that you live throughvery much determine how mature or how
old you are in experience and wisdom.
(25:32):
So I feel like at the end of the day,regardless of what happened in between.
One, I was able to conquer it, andtwo, I'm still here, and three, I
came out better than I expected.
And also you got to understand yourfamily's relationship was tested
as well and they were strong behindyou and like that, that even makes
you stronger in another way to liketo know that the support around you
(25:55):
is real and that it would surviveany kind of tribulation like that.
I feel like we've learned so much throughit and I feel like more than me growing,
I think we all grew together fromeither witnessing it or dealing with it
personally or just seeing things happen.
(26:25):
We hope you enjoyed this episodeand stick around to hear what other
individuals have to share in future ones.
You can listen to Connectopod on Podbean,Spotify, Apple, or wherever you get your
podcasts, and visit Connectopod.net tosee all of what we do and have in store.
Thank you for listening!
I think the greatest lesson lifehas ever given me is that we
are not designed to be fixed.
We are meant to be understood.
Hey everyone, my name is Melissa Peruch.
I'm here with ConnectoPod with my programseries, "restrictED" I'm here to talk
a little bit about eating disorders.
What they are, what they aren't,take down some of the discrepancies
(00:29):
and stereotypes that surroundthemselves around eating disorders.
This will be a multiple part serieswhere we help people heal themselves
who are suffering from an eatingdisorder or support those that are
helping others who are trying to heal.
We will get to interview someamazing individuals and dissect
the intricacies around this topic.
Thank you so much for joining us.
(00:54):
Quick disclaimer, throughout thisseries we will touch on triggering
content, including discussions onweight, suicidal ideation, body
dysmorphia, dieting, and depression.
If at any point the content is harmingyour own journey toward recovery,
please feel free to skip ahead.
If you or anyone you know issuffering from mental health,
there will be a list of resourcesdown below in the description.
(01:18):
In this episode,
Betsy Foldes Meiman
from Connectopod helps me introducethis project and share some more
about my personal experience.
Let's get into it.
My name is Melissa Peruch.
I'm 18 years old.
I'm a college freshman attendingthe University of Southern
California, and we're here heretoday with Betsy from ConnectoPod.
(01:39):
My inspiration for this projectis the fact that I went through an
eating disorder for several years.
I want to say four and a halfyears and I want to say, like,
almost a year now in recovery.
And so I was inspired to talk about itbecause throughout my road to recovery,
I was really inspired into, the waythat I got out of things and the things
(02:02):
that I learned through, like, reading.
And looking at resources andjust finding more things out.
If I was able to come out the otherend, like I did, I wanted to be able
to have a platform where people cantalk about it more, And part of that
stems from the fact that my familyhad a very difficult time trying to
understand everything that was going on.
(02:22):
And I feel like it gives alot of closure to families.
And people that know other people witheating disorders to be able to learn
about it And just give out advice andresources and be able to give closure
to the people with an eating disorder tolet them know that it's not their fault.
And it's not at their hands.
And also to the people who know someonewho's suffering with an eating disorder
(02:43):
They don't need to fix that person andit's not their responsibility, but there
are certain things that they can do.
And also just address some of thethings that are not helpful and some
of the things that shouldn't be said.
And at the end of this, I hope itreaches a lot of people and I hope
people can learn something from it.
' Learning about this fromyou is really interesting.
(03:04):
I think you have a very unique voice aboutit because when we met you, when we were
doing the Domestic Violence AwarenessProject with the library back in 21,
Right.
And it was, you came off as so confident.
And such a leader, right?
So when you came back to us withthis idea, that was really shocking
to me to know that you were inthe throes of this back then.
(03:25):
Right.
And so can you speak to how itoften hits people that are very
together and very ambitious.
That's how they look to the outside world.
But can you talk about thatdichotomy of what it's like?
Yeah, definitely.
So ever since I've been little,I've always been like the leader.
And I oftentimes take thatresponsibility because.
(03:47):
I, realized that nobody really hadthe confidence to take the lead.
So I felt like it was up to me, but alsoI learned to love the role because I found
so much freedom and it felt so gratifyingto be able to lead different people.
How did you find freedom in leading?
I think it comes with the fact thatyou're the one that's calling the shots
(04:09):
and letting people know where thingsare going, how to do certain things.
But also I get so attachedto people so easily.
So whenever I meet people, Iautomatically care for them.
And so it's that sense of care that mademe loving the role of a leader because
in a sense, not only was I leading, but Iwas also caring for these people So a lot
(04:32):
of the times eating disorder develops inpeople that are very ambitious so the way
that the brain works is very interesting.
I'm studying a neuropharmacologyclass at college.
We are all wired for addictionand it comes out in different
ways and it's because our brainis wired to recognize patterns.
(04:54):
And once we recognize patterns,it brings us a sense of euphoria.
Or it connects us to that, becausethen we can replicate it and being
able to replicate it and gain thatindependence is what makes it so euphoric.
So oftentimes we can seethis in everyday life.
So, like, when peoplehave, like, a schedule.
they know I'm going toget up at this time.
(05:15):
I'm going to eat at this time.
I know my times for my mealsor certain activities that can
be deemed a type of addiction.
And it's because since you have sucha set routine, you know, what's coming
up, you know, what you're doing sothat brings some sort of gratification.
Eating disorders is a form of addictionbecause you take that sense of control
and you're able to plan certain things.
(05:37):
And it happens in people who are aleader of their own independence or
of their own lives because eatingdisorders feed on those traits.
So, obviously, you have to be superstrategic with, like, certain things that
you do or, like, the way that you hidean eating disorder in the first place.
There's also thisprelude to perfectionism.
I was once a perfectionist.
I loved school and I loved beingable to give the best at what I did.
(06:02):
And feeding off of like the praise thatI got whenever I got like let's say
an A or let's say someone complimentedmy drawing I think it was another
external source of euphoria where youfeel people realize it and so that
kind of fed into my perfectionism.
And so I became a perfectionistand making sure I did this right
(06:23):
or oh if I didn't like this I woulderase it and start from square one.
And also that distorts theway that you view the world.
Because even though it's all fun andgames in the beginning when you're getting
praise and everything, it slowly consumesthe way that you view certain things.
It's not about being perfectanymore, it's about being the best.
It's kind of like gainingtolerance to a drug, I would say.
(06:44):
Where like certain things I used todo aren't good enough anymore and you
kind of have to, like, leap forwardand gain a new, like, normal, And so
it feeds off of that, and then youget more and more distorted, and I
think that kind of started skewingits way toward other aspects, so
it wasn't just like work anymore.
It was also like, oh, I don't likethe way my eyebrows look, or I
(07:07):
don't like the way my hair looks.
And it starts seeping through.
And then it becomes an internal thingafter it started being an external thing.
And that's the terrible ironyof this kind of disorder, right?
Because it seems like from theoutside when you brought this to
me, I didn't really know that muchabout eating disorders, right?
And, but you know, what it seemslike is it seems like the person
(07:28):
suffering it is somehow weak,but it's exactly the opposite.
You had said to us that you feltstrong, the strongest when you were
the most controlling in your disorder.
Can you speak to that?
Of course.
When I started getting intomy eating disorder, I felt
physically and mentally weak.
But, obviously, when I had momentsof control, like, when I was looking
(07:52):
at what I was putting into my body,I felt the strongest because eating
disorders, contrary to popularbelief, it's not a physical disorder.
It's a mental disorder.
And I think that's where thisdiscrepancy of the name comes in.
So, an eating disorder relies a lotabout the control or the lack of control,
(08:13):
and when you feel a lack of control incertain sectors of your life, an eating
disorder helps you take that controlback because it directs that control
to something that is completely yours.
So the way that you eat, the waythat you take care of yourself, the
way that you diet, is completelyup to you because it's your body.
So I feel like it's the maximumsense of control, where it's like
(08:34):
you decide what's going in yourbody, you decide what's coming out.
And eating disorders have a very funnyway of distorting your reality of things.
It makes one think that starvingyourself is the way to feel most
powerful when oftentimes people don'teven realize what they're doing.
Like, I know for myself and my part, Ididn't even realize what was happening
(08:54):
or that it was getting out of hand.
What made you realizethat you were in trouble?
In 8th grade in the middle of the year,we were doing a standardized thing for P.
E.
Part of it was we had to do,like, height and weight checks.
Me and my friends, we wereclose with our PE teacher.
So we helped with the recording.
(09:15):
I was managing the weight line and Ithink that's where it really started.
I started seeing numbers And society has avery funny way and indirect way of telling
you that numbers is what matters the most.
And at the end of the day,we're all deduced to numbers.
So I was looking at the girlsweights, writing them down and I was
looking at how low the numbers were.
(09:38):
And then it got to me,my turn in the line.
And then I stepped on that weight and Isaw that number and my heart broke because
I was not in the range that they were.
And so I walked away with that, likenot knowing how to feel or not knowing
how to think because there were onlytwo girls that were in that hundreds
range or like a little bit above thatand it was me and this other girl.
(10:01):
And so just knowing that I was likean outlier to the data that I was
collecting made it feel so overwhelmingbecause I didn't know what to think.
So as an overachiever, thatlooked like failure to you.
Yeah.
And the fact that I denotedthat as failure was like, I've
got to do something about it.
And then after that, we knew thatwe were getting ready for like
culmination for eighth grade.
(10:21):
So we were dress shopping.
I was thinking like, like,this is a big day, I want to
look and I want to feel good.
So, when I was dress shoppingand I was trying on dresses,
I just didn't feel good.
I started noticing small things, like, oh,my arms look too big in this dress, And
so I started watching what I was eatingAnd I did lose some weight for graduation.
(10:45):
And just seeing the number, likego down I was happy about it.
So we went to culmination, wetook pictures and all that.
And toward culmination, theywere promoting like a trip.
So my eighth grade was going to do atrip to New York and Washington, DC,
so I was really excited and I finallyconvinced my parents to let me go.
(11:07):
This is after we culminated.
So we were in summer break andwe had, a few weeks to prepare
and so, I was looking back atthe pictures with my friends.
and I was like, the biggest outof the group in the picture.
Things started not sittingright with myself again.
Then the trip came.
So when we arrived just reflectingon, like, the pictures I started
(11:29):
to make decisions on my own.
When it was breakfast, I wouldbe like, oh, I'm not hungry.
Small excuses to, instead of trying toexercise more, I was like, okay, if I want
this to work, maybe I should eat less.
But unfortunately, I took it tomuch a dramatic toll to the point
where I wasn't just eating less.
(11:49):
I was just not eating I challenged myselfto eat the least possible that I can on
this trip to see if it makes a change Andso that's basically where it culminated.
So you started after eighth grade andthen somewhere in your ninth grade
year, that's when you were diagnosed.
So what, what led to you being diagnosed?
(12:11):
When did your parents start realizingsomething was wrong and when did
you end up getting diagnosed?
When I came back from the trip thelack of food, the lack of energy.
I came back, like, grumpy, andnot the same, And then slowly, but
surely I started trying to make upexcuses not to eat my mom's food.
(12:32):
Or I picked up a regiment where I wouldlike go outside and like run around
and it became obsessive exercise.
And then COVID hit, and I was back athome, It started to become more difficult
because I had to change my strategiesBut I just continued with like the
(12:52):
lies that like, oh, I'm not hungry.
I started eating less, soI cut it down on portions.
Started cutting out carbs completely.
Then I went to sugars completely.
So how, how is your health at this point?
So my health wasn't lookingtoo good to be realistic.
Like I wasn't eating because of thelack of energy, I was very lethargic.
(13:14):
I was always cold.
My hair started falling off.
And so the way that I got diagnosed isone day, my mom was making breakfast.
And I went straight to the bathroomand then I come out and I see that
there's a plate served on the table.
And so my mom's like,"I made you breakfast.
Can you sit down and eat?"
I was like, "I'm not hungry."
(13:37):
And so it was like back and forth.
I was trying to convince her,but, she, got really frustrated.
She stormed out of the kitchen,and so I felt really bad.
At this point I was crying because Ihated having arguments with my mom.
And my sister was there.
And so I was sitting there and I waslike, well now I got to eat cause now
(13:58):
I feel guilty for making my mom upset.
But then another part of mewas like, I can't eat though.
But I tried to make the effort andas soon as I put the bread in my
mouth, I was crying hysterically.
and I was hyperventilating.
All of a sudden I couldn't move myfingers and I couldn't feel my legs.
I was having a panic attack and my sisterwas terrified of the image that was
(14:21):
happening right in front of her becauseshe didn't know any better either.
And so she was just telling my momand then I started calming down.
My parents were super concernedso they took me to the ER anyways.
And so, they did some tests, and theytook my height, weight, and then that's
when the doctor came, with the diagnosison there, and the moments that I heard
(14:41):
those words, reality hit me in the face.
You have Anorexia Nervosa.
I was like 80 pounds.
They were telling me thatit was abnormally skinny for
like my age and my height.
And I was surprised that they let me goto be honest for the state that I was in.
I honestly thought that they were going tosend me to like an inpatient institution,
(15:02):
they actually let me go, and all theyhad to tell me was to start eating more.
And they told me, "because if you loseone more pound, you're not going to live."
So it was at the point of like,you would die if you lost new.
And they were just like,okay, here's the packet.
See ya.
Yeah.
They gave my mom the packet.
They didn't like read it to her.
(15:23):
They gave it to her so she wouldread in her own time describing
what it was, symptoms like,behavior changes and all of that.
Obviously when I heard those words,you hear an actual tangible diagnosis
and you're like, this is what I am.
And did you agree with their assessment?
Or was it like, well,they don't really know me.
It's funny because when you'redeveloping an eating disorder, you
(15:43):
know that it's wrong but it's kind oflike another voice invades your head.
I like to describe it like there'stwo people in one body because
oftentimes I'd have my normal thoughtsand they would compete with like
distorted thoughts that would come in.
So, I agreed with that, the diagnosis.
I felt like it was relevantto what was going on.
(16:04):
The fact that he just told me toeat more that didn't really sit well
with me because like, you don't goin and tell depressed people just
be happy or you don't tell peoplewith OCD just stop their rituals.
or people with ADHD to just stop movingSo it was like, if it's in the realm
(16:25):
of a disorder and there's obviouslysomething going on here, like, how do
you just tell a person to just eat?
Why do you think that is like, whatsets that up in our society where we can
look at all those other disorders andhave empathy and sympathy, but when we
look at young, young girls, especiallyI know eating disorders are across
genders, but when we look at younggirls, we're just like, oh, get over it.
(16:48):
Why do you think that is?
I feel like oftentimes that happensbecause, since eating is a survival
instinct, there's no thought to it.
If you're hungry, you just eat.
So it's like, if you're noteating what's wrong with you?
With girls
there's a lot of notions of she's noteating because she wants attention
but it's just the lack of knowledgethat goes behind eating disorders
(17:09):
because it's it's a real thing
So how did you begin to work your wayout of it and how long did it take you?
It took me very long.
Because it was in COVID,it was so difficult.
So it almost felt like I was neverable to have a fresh breath of air
because I was always in the same place.
And it was always thesame things that happened.
(17:31):
And I would always bracemyself for the same things.
It became so much tension thatI would always have at least
one argument every single day.
So the process of acquiring thisdisorder goes from comparing yourself
And becomes physical and then it's abody dysmorphia and then it's about
(17:52):
control and controlling your life andyour choices of what you're eating.
And then it becomes, actualfear of the food, right?
And I like to compare it with likepeople who develop a drug addiction
because like starvation was my drug.
And once you acquire it, you need more.
(18:12):
So you start eating less.
So you gain more tolerance.
And you can't dissociate from it.
And I think the process of realizationreally came, it was one dream that I had.
I was at a park I was on a on a swingset and I was looking around at the park.
There was this mother and her child,they turned to the swing set and
(18:34):
they, they see me and the child staresat me and he points at me and he
starts crying because he's scared.
They quickly run away and so, Igot, like, a mirror out of somewhere
beside me, and I looked at myself,and I was horrified with what I saw.
(18:56):
And so I realized if Ikeep losing weight, this is
what I'm going to look like.
And so that was the first realization, butunfortunately I don't think it was enough
for me to actually launch into recovery.
But what really hit mewas my mom had a dream.
She was just sitting somewhere and shecouldn't see anything because it was
all misty, all she heard was a voice.
(19:18):
Hmm.
That's it.
And the voice told her, " takecare of your daughter and make
sure she gets better because shehas a bright future ahead of her."
She told me the morning of and Iwas just crying because at that
point I did not envision a future.
I was unfortunatelyproactive in self harm.
(19:40):
Or it was more of like the idea ofself harm and like small things.
I felt so guilty for being such aburden to my family and I started
seeing it more and more because Iwould see like, I didn't even have
the energy to play with my brother.
And so it just became heartbreakingbecause I couldn't be the sister that he
(20:05):
wanted me to be I felt like I couldn'tbe the daughter that my parents wanted
me to be I couldn't be the supportsystem up that my sister wanted me to be.
I was like, they'rehappy when I'm not there,
so what difference does itmake if I'm not here anymore?
So when I heard that, it it wassomething like a wake up call
(20:27):
So that's when I accepted like,okay, yeah, I need to recover.
And so I started my journey from there.
I think what was most helpful is Iread a book on eating disorders and
I, I read a book of a person thathad an eating disorder for 20 years.
And she wrote a book about her experience.
(20:47):
That's when I started realizing, like,I was blaming myself all these years
for being such a horrible person, butthere's such a clear distinction between
who you are and who you want to be,and what an eating disorder convinces
you to be or convinces you to want.
I am not my eating disorder.
And I think another thing that playsinto it is the fact that when people
(21:08):
develop eating disorders, It's alwaysanorexic, bulimic, or binge eater, and
I think we need to stop that becauseit gives a notion that you are your
disorder, rather than saying a personwith anorexia, a person with bulimia,
a person that's struggling with adisorder, not a person who is a disorder.
(21:32):
Wow.
And so then did you do therapy?
Did you go like atraditional route or did you?
Figure this out on your own.
Throughout COVID, my momwas trying to convince me.
But I think because I was sosick, I had two big fears.
My biggest fears were, one theywere going to take my control away.
(21:56):
Or two they were goingto send me to inpatient.
I didn't want to go into any of thoseinstitutions where they focused on
forcing me to eat when I wasn't ready.
So long story short, I never actuallywent to therapy, but I did find
therapy through different sources.
And like I said, Istarted reading about it.
I started learning about it more.
(22:17):
I started reading personal accounts.
And so that became my primary modeof therapy because once I started
uncovering it and learning aboutit is when I started being able to
defeat it and develop strategies
now to try to counter it.
And it's, it's very funny becauseoftentimes eating disorders come from
(22:38):
a sense of wanting control, but whenyou develop an eating disorder, you
lose control and that eating disordermakes you think you have control, but
once you start recovering from it iswhen you actually gain your control.
Wow.
So you said before that you think itshouldn't be called an eating disorder.
What would you call it?
Maybe there's not so much an issueof where the name comes from.
(23:00):
I think there's more of an issueof how people interpret it.
Because it distorts the types oftreatments that are provided and.
it's not about the patient,it's about the appetite.
I felt like, in every interaction I hadwith my eating disorder, everything was
(23:20):
a surface level of it, and they werejust trying to get me at a healthy weight
without actually trying to understand me.
Those interactions that I had,they, they like opened my eyes
to like the medical community.
And that's what you want to do now, right?
You're pre med, right?
Yeah.
So I'm in school on a pre med track tobe a pediatrician, and a lot of people
start in the pre med track and thentowards the end they, they drop out.
(23:41):
But I really have a passion tobe a pediatrician specifically
because I told myself that if Istart from the root of things, I
can prevent things from happening.
So if I'm treating children who aregoing to have increasing use of social
media, and they're going to see more andmore things that are going to influence
(24:02):
their own perception of themselves,I want to be able to start from that,
from the root to give them a healthysense of what track they're in, what
health should be, so that then theywon't have a distorted view of what it
is, and they won't hopefully developthings like an eating disorder, body
(24:23):
dysmorphia, or other things that couldprevent them from a happy, healthy life.
Where does your where doesyour eating disorder stand now?
Have you fully conquered it?
Is it still there?
Are you in recovery?
So I fluctuated from AnorexiaNervosa to Binge Eating Disorder.
But now I'm in a good place, I'min a point where I understand
(24:46):
what eating disorders are.
I have read about it ,I have lived throughit enough to be able to talk about it.
I'm in a place where I've grownbeyond that I don't necessarily
regret what happened because I'min a place where I understand it
wasn't my fault in the first place.
I didn't choose to havean eating disorder.
I can talk about it and I knowenough about it to help other people.
(25:09):
Yeah.
Right.
Your empathy is so built from experience.
It's really authentic.
It's been a lot, but it's helpedme grow a lot as a person.
I've met a lot of people who have toldme I sound much older than my actual age.
Life experiences that you live throughvery much determine how mature or how
old you are in experience and wisdom.
(25:32):
So I feel like at the end of the day,regardless of what happened in between.
One, I was able to conquer it, andtwo, I'm still here, and three, I
came out better than I expected.
And also you got to understand yourfamily's relationship was tested
as well and they were strong behindyou and like that, that even makes
you stronger in another way to liketo know that the support around you
(25:55):
is real and that it would surviveany kind of tribulation like that.
I feel like we've learned so much throughit and I feel like more than me growing,
I think we all grew together fromeither witnessing it or dealing with it
personally or just seeing things happen.
(26:25):
We hope you enjoyed this episodeand stick around to hear what other
individuals have to share in future ones.
You can listen to Connectopod on Podbean,Spotify, Apple, or wherever you get your
podcasts, and visit Connectopod.net tosee all of what we do and have in store.
Thank you for listening!
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