December 29, 2022 • 12 mins
Merry Christmas!! Santa's back. Or is he?!?
Music:
"Deck the Halls" by Bamtone @ Artlist.io
"A Winter Breeze" by Francesco DAndrea @ Artlist.io
Music:
"Deck the Halls" by Bamtone @ Artlist.io
"A Winter Breeze" by Francesco DAndrea @ Artlist.io
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:05):
Seven, Lamb Productions Presents Cop DoctorsChristmas Special twenty twenty two. I can't
(00:30):
believe it's been two years since COVID. I mean COVID's still around, right,
But since it's inauguration or whatever,there should be a holiday or a
remembrance like with nine to eleven.Yeah, but more festive and not as
depressingly sad. Maybe we could celebrateon like March fifth, or whenever things
really went to ship. There couldbe a mascot like Batty the Bat.
(00:50):
There could be presents and fake contaminatedfood. People could social distance and wear
decorative masks. We could screw oversmall businesses for a day and donate all
our money to Amazon in Walmart.Just a lot of festive cheer, and
the whole world could celebrate since itwas worldwide, although we would have to
adjust celebration times obviously because of timezones. You think the whole world would
(01:12):
celebrate. I think it would bringeveryone closer together. Yeah. I don't
think China would partain, but theycould, but I don't think they will.
Well that's lame, listen time.Well, I think it's an interesting
idea. I don't think it willstay you don't think it'll be like the
new Christmas. No, not atall. People still love the old Christmas,
(01:33):
not as much now. Don't geton this again, they don't.
I think Christmas is fading. Ohboy, cheer up cookies are ready.
It was the night before Christmas andall that jazz and the doctors were baking
cookies. They were also wearing matchingChristmas onesies. It was so cute,
(01:56):
although if it were the fifties theywould probably receive it the rogatory remark,
an unwanted epicat like fatties or maybesomething like fruit and cake. You catch
my drink? Look at my cookies. They're little gingerbread men, just plain
(02:20):
gingerbread men. Yeah, you're notmaking any specific gingerbread men. No,
just plain regular light brown gingerbread man. Good. No need to make the
same mistake like last time. Ohthe Rosanne thing again. I don't know
why you had to make gingerbread menwith their own monotheistic religions. I was
trying to be culturally exclusive. Imade a lot of different gingerbread people that
(02:44):
day, I know, but Ithink in this case you should leave out
certain groups. It's not like Iwas wearing a uniform, it still teated
that line of offensiveness. Well,in Roseanne's case, it was a Joe,
so she said, what about you? I was being exclusive? Uh
huh, come on, It's notlike I pulled a can Ye pre or
post loving Hitler post. Although partof me wonders if it was a new
(03:07):
revelation for him or if he's alwayshad those bigoted internal thoughts like David Duke.
Now that's a guy who probably doesn'thave a lot of Christmas years.
I don't know. He seems likehe enjoys her white Christmas. Can we
change the subject place right? Right? Well? I think the regular gingerbread
(03:28):
man turned out swell, and Ithink the ladies are here. This year,
both Nurse Betty and her friend SallyMcNally were coming over to spend some
time with the cop doctor. Infact, Time had told Nurse Betty that
he loved her, so now therelationship was I mean, Nurse Betty told
(03:50):
Time that she would bring a datefor Kase. Since Kates was totally single
and not playing the field, hewanted something more serious like Time had with
us Betty. He was even alittle jealous of their blossoming relationship, so
That is why he forced Time towear a matching onesie. Hello, Hi,
(04:11):
you must be Sally McNally, mustI, because I am, I'm
totally Sally McNally. Case, SallyMcNally is here thee Sally McNally. I
don't believe it. I can't.I can't. Welcome to our humble above
that means nice house for the layperson, and lay person means you.
I. Four of them had awhole night plan of great Christmas celebrations when
(04:38):
suddenly, oh my, what wasthat? I think that was my bedroom
window. Let's go, ladies,stay here and don't die. You got
it? Puts in here, Timeand case best into the room, guns
drowne. What the hell? Hello, fellas O, it's me Santa.
(05:01):
The fat man sat on the edgeof time, sped, head hanging low,
his sack of gifts, leaning againsthis legs. Oh my god,
it's you. Yes, it isI, the one and only Santa Claus.
No, no, you are notSanta, but I am, and
(05:23):
I'm sad. Listen, we knowyou're a fat meth head with nothing better
to do than to bother us thenight before Christmas. This has happened the
last two years. Yeah, we'renot falling for it again. But I
am Santa. You're not. Andwhat the hell did you do to my
window? I accidentally broke it whenI kicked it. You kicked it?
Yes, then it wasn't an accident. Listen, I needed in. Things
(05:46):
have gone so for poor old Santa. You're not Santa. Things have gotten
really bad. The cop doctors stoodthere for a long time waiting. Ah,
you want us to ask what's wrong? Don't you? Aren't you worried
about poor old Santa. You're notSanta? But I am you're not.
(06:11):
We know you're not. Okay,listen, I'm going to finally reveal the
truth this year. I Eh,yeah, I am Santa. I just
pretended to be a druggie with nopurpose to fool you guys, because Santa
isn't supposed to truly reveal himself.Where's that written? The good book,
(06:32):
the Bible? No, you fuckingidiot. A Christmas Carol Santa doesn't curse.
Yeah, you're right, sorry aboutthat, And that's not in a
Christmas Carol. Okay, maybe itwas nothing less Forever I can't remember,
I'm Santa, not an editor forPenguin Publishing. She no You're not Santa.
(06:54):
You're a druggie who just broke intoour house for good reason. I
understand you too, don't trust me, But I came here because you two
are the only ones in the citythat embody the Christmas spirit. Really,
Yes, that's why I'm here.Santa had fallen on hard times before.
(07:15):
You didn't know what it's like todeliver millions upon millions of presents to kids
all around the world each year,all the while people lambast you. The
Christmas spirit has been waning for decades, and now it's at an all time
low. Ah the opposite of theRita Coolidge song. Wasn't that referenced in
(07:38):
Atlas Avenue Beat? I don't know. I don't listen to audio comedies.
They're dumb, Yeah, I usuallylisten to something more sophisticated and thought provoking.
Hey, the only thing dumb aboutatlass Berry? Fuck that guy.
Can we get back on topic.Fine, Everything I'm saying about the Christmas
spirit is true. That you saidthis all before, and each time we
(08:00):
reveal you aren't actually Santa, peopleare coming for me. Drug dealers.
Did you rap someone off again?Not drug dealers. People who don't understand
the Christmas spirit. We are notfalling for it again. Will you let
it go? I'm Santa, Iam. I got in here because I
(08:22):
parked my reindeer on the roof.I was trying to finish my deliveries.
But now with these people coming afterme, these anti religion, anti tradition
blowhards who only want to tear downthe fabric of society and live in some
post capitalist world of flowers and rainbows, devoid of taxes and critical thinking.
(08:46):
They want to hurt me. SoI'm not even asking for your helper se.
I just need you to help thechildren hide my gifts for me.
I've delivered most of them, butI need to hide the rest so they
don't take these children's presence. No, no, we have guests over.
We want to celebrate and have agood time. You still can't help me.
(09:09):
Hide these presents and I'll leave.I'll lead these horrible Christmas killers away.
You're not worried, but they'll doto you. I'm just worried about
the children. I don't care aboutme. In fact, I'll leave right
now. Just hide the presents andI'll handle the rest myself, going all
violent night on them. David Harbor. Fuck yeah, fuck yeah. Maybe
(09:33):
I'm done hiding, I'm done running. Let them face me head on,
let them just try to destroy Christmas. Maybe when I'm gone, people will
then realize what they once had.I want to believe, but it's okay.
I wasn't always trustworthy, so Iunderstand. But let me say this.
(10:00):
I heard your conversation earlier when youwere baking cookies. You two believe
that the Christmas spirit is fading,especially you Time, and I agree with
you. This is a harsh worldwe live in. Damn it. Case
and Time shared a quick glance.Fine, We're sorry, Santa. Santa
(10:26):
could not help but smile real big, realizing he finally won over the cup
doctor. That is until the sirens. But the oh crap, they found
me? Who found you? Thepolice? A bunch of police showed up
outside the apartment. Time went tothe window and beer it out. Hey,
(10:48):
fellas, what's going on? Isthere a guy dressed as Santa out
there? There is busted? Whatdid you do? Nothing? I swear
so the police are after you.Those are the anti related and anti tradition
blowhards. You know we're cops too, write I just needed help Oh man,
what's in the sack? A deadhooker? Oh? Come on,
(11:09):
So once again, all that stuffabout Christmas spirit and reindeers and children's presence,
all of that was a lie.How do you hear our conversation?
Evan, I've been hiding on yourroof for like four hours. By the
way, the cookie smell fantastic.Thank you. I can't believe we were
duped again. There's something else whatI have? COVID Copductors Cop Doctors Written
(11:35):
and edited by Robert M. Lamb, starring Jack Austin as Just in Case
and Robert M. Lamb as justinTime. Co starring Hope, Ennis,
Amy Lay, Mike Lenhart, andJack Austen as a bunch of other characters.
Music provided by Kevin McLoud of incompetechdot com. If you enjoy this
(12:00):
podcast, don't forget to rate andreview and visit www dot seven lamb dot
com for more podcasts such as thisone. This has been a seven Lamb production.
Seven, Lamb Productions Presents Cop DoctorsChristmas Special twenty twenty two. I can't
(00:30):
believe it's been two years since COVID. I mean COVID's still around, right,
But since it's inauguration or whatever,there should be a holiday or a
remembrance like with nine to eleven.Yeah, but more festive and not as
depressingly sad. Maybe we could celebrateon like March fifth, or whenever things
really went to ship. There couldbe a mascot like Batty the Bat.
(00:50):
There could be presents and fake contaminatedfood. People could social distance and wear
decorative masks. We could screw oversmall businesses for a day and donate all
our money to Amazon in Walmart.Just a lot of festive cheer, and
the whole world could celebrate since itwas worldwide, although we would have to
adjust celebration times obviously because of timezones. You think the whole world would
(01:12):
celebrate. I think it would bringeveryone closer together. Yeah. I don't
think China would partain, but theycould, but I don't think they will.
Well that's lame, listen time.Well, I think it's an interesting
idea. I don't think it willstay you don't think it'll be like the
new Christmas. No, not atall. People still love the old Christmas,
(01:33):
not as much now. Don't geton this again, they don't.
I think Christmas is fading. Ohboy, cheer up cookies are ready.
It was the night before Christmas andall that jazz and the doctors were baking
cookies. They were also wearing matchingChristmas onesies. It was so cute,
(01:56):
although if it were the fifties theywould probably receive it the rogatory remark,
an unwanted epicat like fatties or maybesomething like fruit and cake. You catch
my drink? Look at my cookies. They're little gingerbread men, just plain
(02:20):
gingerbread men. Yeah, you're notmaking any specific gingerbread men. No,
just plain regular light brown gingerbread man. Good. No need to make the
same mistake like last time. Ohthe Rosanne thing again. I don't know
why you had to make gingerbread menwith their own monotheistic religions. I was
trying to be culturally exclusive. Imade a lot of different gingerbread people that
(02:44):
day, I know, but Ithink in this case you should leave out
certain groups. It's not like Iwas wearing a uniform, it still teated
that line of offensiveness. Well,in Roseanne's case, it was a Joe,
so she said, what about you? I was being exclusive? Uh
huh, come on, It's notlike I pulled a can Ye pre or
post loving Hitler post. Although partof me wonders if it was a new
(03:07):
revelation for him or if he's alwayshad those bigoted internal thoughts like David Duke.
Now that's a guy who probably doesn'thave a lot of Christmas years.
I don't know. He seems likehe enjoys her white Christmas. Can we
change the subject place right? Right? Well? I think the regular gingerbread
(03:28):
man turned out swell, and Ithink the ladies are here. This year,
both Nurse Betty and her friend SallyMcNally were coming over to spend some
time with the cop doctor. Infact, Time had told Nurse Betty that
he loved her, so now therelationship was I mean, Nurse Betty told
(03:50):
Time that she would bring a datefor Kase. Since Kates was totally single
and not playing the field, hewanted something more serious like Time had with
us Betty. He was even alittle jealous of their blossoming relationship, so
That is why he forced Time towear a matching onesie. Hello, Hi,
(04:11):
you must be Sally McNally, mustI, because I am, I'm
totally Sally McNally. Case, SallyMcNally is here thee Sally McNally. I
don't believe it. I can't.I can't. Welcome to our humble above
that means nice house for the layperson, and lay person means you.
I. Four of them had awhole night plan of great Christmas celebrations when
(04:38):
suddenly, oh my, what wasthat? I think that was my bedroom
window. Let's go, ladies,stay here and don't die. You got
it? Puts in here, Timeand case best into the room, guns
drowne. What the hell? Hello, fellas O, it's me Santa.
(05:01):
The fat man sat on the edgeof time, sped, head hanging low,
his sack of gifts, leaning againsthis legs. Oh my god,
it's you. Yes, it isI, the one and only Santa Claus.
No, no, you are notSanta, but I am, and
(05:23):
I'm sad. Listen, we knowyou're a fat meth head with nothing better
to do than to bother us thenight before Christmas. This has happened the
last two years. Yeah, we'renot falling for it again. But I
am Santa. You're not. Andwhat the hell did you do to my
window? I accidentally broke it whenI kicked it. You kicked it?
Yes, then it wasn't an accident. Listen, I needed in. Things
(05:46):
have gone so for poor old Santa. You're not Santa. Things have gotten
really bad. The cop doctors stoodthere for a long time waiting. Ah,
you want us to ask what's wrong? Don't you? Aren't you worried
about poor old Santa. You're notSanta? But I am you're not.
(06:11):
We know you're not. Okay,listen, I'm going to finally reveal the
truth this year. I Eh,yeah, I am Santa. I just
pretended to be a druggie with nopurpose to fool you guys, because Santa
isn't supposed to truly reveal himself.Where's that written? The good book,
(06:32):
the Bible? No, you fuckingidiot. A Christmas Carol Santa doesn't curse.
Yeah, you're right, sorry aboutthat, And that's not in a
Christmas Carol. Okay, maybe itwas nothing less Forever I can't remember,
I'm Santa, not an editor forPenguin Publishing. She no You're not Santa.
(06:54):
You're a druggie who just broke intoour house for good reason. I
understand you too, don't trust me, But I came here because you two
are the only ones in the citythat embody the Christmas spirit. Really,
Yes, that's why I'm here.Santa had fallen on hard times before.
(07:15):
You didn't know what it's like todeliver millions upon millions of presents to kids
all around the world each year,all the while people lambast you. The
Christmas spirit has been waning for decades, and now it's at an all time
low. Ah the opposite of theRita Coolidge song. Wasn't that referenced in
(07:38):
Atlas Avenue Beat? I don't know. I don't listen to audio comedies.
They're dumb, Yeah, I usuallylisten to something more sophisticated and thought provoking.
Hey, the only thing dumb aboutatlass Berry? Fuck that guy.
Can we get back on topic.Fine, Everything I'm saying about the Christmas
spirit is true. That you saidthis all before, and each time we
(08:00):
reveal you aren't actually Santa, peopleare coming for me. Drug dealers.
Did you rap someone off again?Not drug dealers. People who don't understand
the Christmas spirit. We are notfalling for it again. Will you let
it go? I'm Santa, Iam. I got in here because I
(08:22):
parked my reindeer on the roof.I was trying to finish my deliveries.
But now with these people coming afterme, these anti religion, anti tradition
blowhards who only want to tear downthe fabric of society and live in some
post capitalist world of flowers and rainbows, devoid of taxes and critical thinking.
(08:46):
They want to hurt me. SoI'm not even asking for your helper se.
I just need you to help thechildren hide my gifts for me.
I've delivered most of them, butI need to hide the rest so they
don't take these children's presence. No, no, we have guests over.
We want to celebrate and have agood time. You still can't help me.
(09:09):
Hide these presents and I'll leave.I'll lead these horrible Christmas killers away.
You're not worried, but they'll doto you. I'm just worried about
the children. I don't care aboutme. In fact, I'll leave right
now. Just hide the presents andI'll handle the rest myself, going all
violent night on them. David Harbor. Fuck yeah, fuck yeah. Maybe
(09:33):
I'm done hiding, I'm done running. Let them face me head on,
let them just try to destroy Christmas. Maybe when I'm gone, people will
then realize what they once had.I want to believe, but it's okay.
I wasn't always trustworthy, so Iunderstand. But let me say this.
(10:00):
I heard your conversation earlier when youwere baking cookies. You two believe
that the Christmas spirit is fading,especially you Time, and I agree with
you. This is a harsh worldwe live in. Damn it. Case
and Time shared a quick glance.Fine, We're sorry, Santa. Santa
(10:26):
could not help but smile real big, realizing he finally won over the cup
doctor. That is until the sirens. But the oh crap, they found
me? Who found you? Thepolice? A bunch of police showed up
outside the apartment. Time went tothe window and beer it out. Hey,
(10:48):
fellas, what's going on? Isthere a guy dressed as Santa out
there? There is busted? Whatdid you do? Nothing? I swear
so the police are after you.Those are the anti related and anti tradition
blowhards. You know we're cops too, write I just needed help Oh man,
what's in the sack? A deadhooker? Oh? Come on,
(11:09):
So once again, all that stuffabout Christmas spirit and reindeers and children's presence,
all of that was a lie.How do you hear our conversation?
Evan, I've been hiding on yourroof for like four hours. By the
way, the cookie smell fantastic.Thank you. I can't believe we were
duped again. There's something else whatI have? COVID Copductors Cop Doctors Written
(11:35):
and edited by Robert M. Lamb, starring Jack Austin as Just in Case
and Robert M. Lamb as justinTime. Co starring Hope, Ennis,
Amy Lay, Mike Lenhart, andJack Austen as a bunch of other characters.
Music provided by Kevin McLoud of incompetechdot com. If you enjoy this
(12:00):
podcast, don't forget to rate andreview and visit www dot seven lamb dot
com for more podcasts such as thisone. This has been a seven Lamb production.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Cardiac Cowboys
The heart was always off-limits to surgeons. Cutting into it spelled instant death for the patient. That is, until a ragtag group of doctors scattered across the Midwest and Texas decided to throw out the rule book. Working in makeshift laboratories and home garages, using medical devices made from scavenged machine parts and beer tubes, these men and women invented the field of open heart surgery. Odds are, someone you know is alive because of them. So why has history left them behind? Presented by Chris Pine, CARDIAC COWBOYS tells the gripping true story behind the birth of heart surgery, and the young, Greatest Generation doctors who made it happen. For years, they competed and feuded, racing to be the first, the best, and the most prolific. Some appeared on the cover of Time Magazine, operated on kings and advised presidents. Others ended up disgraced, penniless, and convicted of felonies. Together, they ignited a revolution in medicine, and changed the world.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.