307: How to Fight Less and Thrive More in Marriage (with Gabe and Rebekah Lyons)

This book we are talking about today is so authentic and vulnerable and I really appreciated the authors being willing to open up like they did. In their new book The Fight for Us: Overcome What Divides to Build a Marriage That Thrives, Rebekah and Gabe Lyons share their personal journey of overcoming challenges in their marriage, discussing how writing the book together was a vulnerable process that forced them to confront their own issues and communication problems.

Join me as Rebekah and Gabe highlight how early trials in their marriage -- such as having a child with Down Syndrome -- could have torn them apart but instead brought them closer together. They stress the importance of leaning on and supporting each other during difficult times rather than retreating. The Fight for Us explores the "four dysfunctional dances" couples can find themselves in - avoidant, anxious, silent, and intense - and offers readers some guidance on how to recognize and break out of these unhealthy patterns.

A key theme that we discuss is the need to look inward and take responsibility for our own contributions to marital problems, rather than automatically putting all of the blame on the spouse. Rebekah and Gabe encourage couples to better understand how past experiences shape their current behaviors and reactions, and they share how this self-reflection has been so integral to strengthening their own marriage over nearly three decades.

Throughout our conversation, the Lyons are refreshingly honest about their own struggles, missteps, and growth, highlighting that even strong, long-term marriages require constant work, structure, and recommitment, especially during major life transitions. The Fight for Us offers practical tips for prioritizing the relationship and creating the emotional safety needed for vulnerable conversations – a relatable resource that I highly recommend grabbing a copy of!

In This Episode

[0:35] - I am excited to welcome Rebekah and Gabe Lyons, authors of The Fight for Us, to the show!

[1:59] - For Rebekah and Gabe, sharing their story via writing deepened their healing, clarity, faith, and connection as a couple.

[4:43] - Gabe and Rebekah chose to face hardship together, building resilience via community and shared commitment.

[6:15] - We hear how Rebekah and Gabe leaned on each other when their son's diagnosis changed so much for them.

[8:11] - Gabe stresses looking inward rather than blaming your partner, while Rebekah stresses communicating hurt without automatically assuming harmful intent.

[11:14] - Hear how the book identifies four conflict patterns in couples, urging awareness for deeper emotional connection.

[14:43] - Despite initial incompatibility, the Lyons’ marriage succeeded via humility, growth, and choosing to fight together.

[16:12] - Learn how vulnerability and honest conversation helped the Lyons push through hopelessness instead of giving up.

[18:04] - Emotional safety ultimately requires mutual commitment and honesty, or vulnerability becomes difficult.

[21:29] - Understanding generational patterns clarified Gabe’s and Rebekah’s roles and helped them re