June 6, 2025 • 47 mins
Hey lady! This year we’re all about the level up. Leveling up our finances, our health, our pleasure, and our style. And, we’re also leveling up how we treat each other and appropriate ways to disengage with integrity and respect.
Terri and Dr. Dom offer a refined perspective of how we can honor ourselves while still maintaining boundaries when a relationship has run its course. They offer concrete scenarios for potential tricky relationship issues and how to spot less than favorable situations before they even start. Hint: Always trust your gut.
Head to Patreon for the exclusive Soulful Connection Check-in. Not only will you find premium content and ad free viewing of each episode, but you’ll also get Dr. Dom and Terri dishing all the juicy extras they didn’t mention on the show!
Quote of the Day:
"Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let go.
– Unknown
Goal Map Like a Pro Workbook
Cultivating H.E.R. Space Sanctuary
Resources:
Dr. Dom’s Therapy Practice
Branding with Terri
Melanin and Mental Health
Therapy for Black Girls
Psychology Today
Therapy for QPOC
Where to find us:
Twitter: @HERspacepodcast
Instagram: @herspacepodcast
Facebook: @herspacepodcast
Website: cultivatingherspace.com
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/cultivating-h-e-r-space-uplifting-conversations-for-the-black-woman--5470036/support.
Terri and Dr. Dom offer a refined perspective of how we can honor ourselves while still maintaining boundaries when a relationship has run its course. They offer concrete scenarios for potential tricky relationship issues and how to spot less than favorable situations before they even start. Hint: Always trust your gut.
Head to Patreon for the exclusive Soulful Connection Check-in. Not only will you find premium content and ad free viewing of each episode, but you’ll also get Dr. Dom and Terri dishing all the juicy extras they didn’t mention on the show!
Quote of the Day:
"Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let go.
– Unknown
Goal Map Like a Pro Workbook
Cultivating H.E.R. Space Sanctuary
Resources:
Dr. Dom’s Therapy Practice
Branding with Terri
Melanin and Mental Health
Therapy for Black Girls
Psychology Today
Therapy for QPOC
Where to find us:
Twitter: @HERspacepodcast
Instagram: @herspacepodcast
Facebook: @herspacepodcast
Website: cultivatingherspace.com
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/cultivating-h-e-r-space-uplifting-conversations-for-the-black-woman--5470036/support.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space. Really, listen
to your body. Allow the other person to feel how
they feel. It's natural for them to feel hurt, confused,
or even angry. But you don't have to carry their emotions.
Those are their emotions that they need to figure out
how to manage and work through within their process. So
hopefully they have a therapist or someone they can go
to work through those emotions.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Hey, lady, have you ever felt like the world just
doesn't get you? Well, we do.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
Welcome to Cultivating her Space, the podcast dedicated to uplifting
and empowering women like you.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
We're your hosts, Doctor Dominique Grussard and educator and psychologists.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
And Terry Lomax, a techie and transformational speaker.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
Join us every week for authentic conversations about everything from
fibroids to fake friends as we create space for black
women to just b.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Before we dive in, make sure you hit that follow
button and leave us a quick five star review.
Speaker 3 (01:06):
Lady, we are.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
Black founded and black owned, and your support will help
us reach even more women like you.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
Now, let's get into this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.
It's doctor dom here from the Cultivating her Space podcast.
Are you currently a resident of the state of California
in contemplating starting your therapy journey, Well, if so, please
reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com.
(01:36):
That's d R D O M I N I q
U E B R O U ss ar D dot
com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. I look
forward to hearing from you, all right. Our quote of
(01:56):
the day Sometime the most loving thing you can do
is let go. I'm gonna say that one more time
so that you feel it in your spirit. Sometimes the
most loving thing you can do is let go. Ooh
tea this quote and our topic for today. Yeah, when
(02:24):
you hear that quote, what comes up for you?
Speaker 1 (02:28):
What comes up for me is Okay, I'm thinking about
an episode we had with doctor Tama where she talked
about basically basically, she said that if you know that
ending the connection is inevitable, if you know it's not
a good fit, it's better to make a decision swiftly,
let go swiftly versus dragging it on because you're gonna
(02:51):
cause harm either way usually, right, and so it's better
to just do it now because the longer you you
kind of put on that front, it's going to be
even harder on the line because it's more connection and
bonding being built. So when I hear this quote, that's
what I'm thinking about. Sometimes it might be hard, but
sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let
someone go so they can be with someone who's a
good fit for them, and so that you can also
(03:14):
have your freedom and find someone who's aligned with you.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
Yes, yes, I love that, and yeah, I think for me,
I think the thing that was coming up was that
the loving thing is not one sided, right, that ending
this relationship would be loving for you, and it's an
(03:43):
act of love for the other part towards the other
person as well, and so recognizing that it is hard oftentimes,
not all, not every time, but oftentimes ending a relationship
is hard. But you're right in that, like when you
(04:04):
ended swiftly once you know that you're not in it.
If you ended swiftly, then that, like you said, that
allows the other person to have time to move on
and find someone who's a better fit for them and
for you to be able to do the same.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
Yeah, I think you're spot on. I feel we do
people in ourselves a disservice when we don't do that,
and I have a lot of experience with that, unfortunately,
but we're going to talk about it today. So I
don't know about y'all, but I feel like I've been
presented with numerous opportunities in life to break up with people.
And that's maybe another conversation for another day on the
why behind that. Actually, I want to share a little
(04:45):
bit with you. I think most of the time, for me,
dom it's because I find myself, especially being a recovering
people pleaser, I found myself getting into relationships that I
knew were not for me. So then of course I'm
you know, I'm in the relationship, and then I'm at
a point where I'm like, wait a second, this is
not for me, So then I have to end it
because it's just not a good fit.
Speaker 3 (05:03):
Right.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
And so today we are talking about how to end
relationships with grace, courage, and compassion even when your heart
feels heavy, because this is a very important conversation to
cover it is.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
And I think the thing, even though to me, my
automatic thought when we talk about this about breaking up
goes to romantic relationships, this conversation the tips that we're
going to offer can apply to friendships, most definitely situationships
(05:39):
and in general connections that no longer align with who
you are.
Speaker 1 (05:48):
Yes, and the good thing is, y'all we got you.
So we are going to give you some breakup text
templates or if you want to email it to the person,
whatever your style is, or write a letter. Right, We're
going to give you some templates that you can literally
copy and paste when you don't have the words, because
sometimes it is very challenging to figure out like how
do I want to communicate this? How do I want
to initiate the conversation, and so we help when you're out.
(06:09):
We want to give you a little template, a couple
of templates that you can use and make your own
based on your unique situation. And we also have what
we call a soulful Connection check in to help you
ground yourself in clarity before you make any big moves.
So we're actually going to dive into that now. Before
we get deeper into the episode, we want to share
the soulful Connection check in and go over a few
(06:30):
teaser questions to kind of give you an idea of
what to expect and what this actually is. And so
we've done this a couple times on the episodes, we
may continue the soulful Connection check in. It's basically a
reflective tool that helps you assess where you're at emotionally
before navigating a tough conversation like a breakup. Right, So
it's all about getting clear on your own feelings, ensuring
(06:51):
that you're aligned with your values before taking action because
sometimes we can have outside influences and at the end
of the day, this is really your decision. What feels
like in your body, what feels like for you and
your life, and where you are in this season.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
Yes, yes, you know this. This soulful Connection truly is
designed to help you understand your reasons, your emotions, and
I think also the bigger picture before making before making decisions,
right and so particularly in this episode, the soulful Connection,
(07:32):
like we said before, is not just for romantic breakups,
but it's also a tool you can use when you're
trying to make any big decision in your life regarding
any type of connection or relationship.
Speaker 1 (07:48):
And one thing to note, we're going to dive into
it in just a bit, but Domini are going to
go over to teaser questions to kind of give you
a little little taste of what it's like. But if
you want the full check in, all the questions and
all the section, you can visit her space podcast dot
com and subscribe to our Patreon. You can just click
anywhere you see Patreon on our website. And again, it's
a simple but powerful way to ensure you're stepping into
(08:09):
your decisions with more clarity and self awareness.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
All right, so now wait before let's let's let's be clear,
because you know, I want folks to really understand that
by subscribing, like we're not telling you subscribe solely for
getting the soulful check in, but when you subscribe, you
also will get exclusive content, bonus episodes, and early access
(08:37):
to upcoming episodes. And so while this check in will
give you a deeper understanding of yourself and empower you
to handle those tough moments with great that subscription will
give you access to even more tools and content from us.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
All right, y'all, so make sure you subscribe and you'll
get all the all the goodness that DONMG just shared.
But let's go ahead and jump into this first question. Okay,
for today's Soulful Connection check Eryl. His first question is,
what are your reasons for staying in the relationship, and
when you think about this question, Okay, listen, when you
think about this question, here's the thing. Dom When I
hear this question, it makes me think about situations where
(09:17):
I was so concerned about what everyone else was thinking
about the relationship. So when it came to my reasons
for staying, oftentimes I'm like, well, what about this, Like
I'm saying because of what people would think if I,
you know, end it or they see that I'm separated
or divorced or whatever it might be right or not
with this person anymore, or maybe you have a child, or.
Speaker 3 (09:38):
Maybe there could be numerous reasons.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
And we have an episode about why you should not
stay in a relationship, so go check that one out
as well. But think about it, like, are you staying
for fear, guilt, out of habit, out of obligation? Right,
this is a question that I believe can really help
you get to the root of why you're there and
if you need to stay there, And a lot of
times too, Like we'll cover this more in detail just
a bit, but like we know a lot of times
(10:02):
we know, and your gut you can feel it, you know,
And yeah, so I think this is a really good
question to ask yourself.
Speaker 2 (10:10):
Yeah, it's a hard one, but it's a good one.
It's a good one.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
Now this next question, how do you feel when you
think about the other person? Now, lady, I want you
to pause, and if you are in a relationship right now, pause,
get still and ask yourself how do you feel when
(10:40):
you think about the other person? So say that person's name,
and pay attention to how your body responds, like not
just not just what thoughts come up, but what are
the feelings and what is the physiological response that you're experience.
(11:01):
Do you feel relief sadness, guilt, excitement, maybe a little
tingle in another region? What are the feelings that what's
coming up when you think about this person? And so
understanding how you feel and what comes up in your
(11:24):
body what do you experience in your body will help
you have some honesty and clarity around what decision do
you need to make?
Speaker 1 (11:37):
I love that question so much, job, and I feel
like there's an activity within that question that you can
also take on, lady.
Speaker 3 (11:43):
So think about it. You could either.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
Tell tell let's say you're dating like multiple people or
maybe it is just one person that you're thinking about,
tell a friend or your therapist about the person, and
when you're finished telling them, ask that person what they
perceived about your body language and energy. Because I was
a twelve year relationship and then I was I've been
dating for the past two years after my separation. And
when I tell you dating multiple people, it was so
(12:07):
insightful for me, and it gave me a lot of
experience and practice ending connections and also realizing how my
body felt. So I was talking to my therapist about
these two different guys I was dating along my dating journey,
and I didn't even tell her about how I really felt.
I didn't really give her a lot of detail about them.
But what she told me after I shared information about
both of them, she was like your body language when
(12:28):
you talked about this person, it was open and light
and free, and when you talked about the second person,
it was like you closed up. Even the way you
were moving your body was different. And so just listen
to your body because a lot of times, right our
bodies do keep the score and it tells us things
that sometimes our mind may not have had a chance
to really register. So those are our questions. Now, don
(12:51):
when I think about all the breakups that I've had, right,
there are a couple of things I've noticed when it
comes to these breakups. It's like it always happens, and
pretty much situation one is a gut feeling. I feel
like I knew it in my gut and my intuition
was telling me that it's time, and oftentimes I ignored that.
I rarely acted on it right away, and I found
(13:12):
myself either wanting to stop spending time with that person
or asking myself for others like should I stay? You know,
you start calling up your friend asking for advice question
that you already know the answer to you, like.
Speaker 3 (13:23):
Girl, this happened, should I stay? And it's like you
know the answer?
Speaker 1 (13:26):
We sometimes just need that validation, right, So that is
one thing that happens.
Speaker 3 (13:29):
Have you experienced that ever?
Speaker 2 (13:32):
Yeah, I would say early on, like particularly in my twenties,
like I was, it happened. It happened more often than not,
that I was ignoring my intuition. Yes, So like there
would be that gut feeling or I wasn't acknowledging what
was coming up in my body when I would think
(13:54):
of a particular person. And so I think for a
lot of us if we slow down and tune in
the information is there. It's a matter of us paying
attention to it. Like there were situations where I knew
(14:16):
things were done and I, out of embarrassment, shame, fear,
continue to engage with that person and couldn't bring myself
to end it even though in my body, like my
(14:40):
body was letting me know, yeah, girl, this ain't this
ain't it, This ain't this is the time has come
to end this? Yeah, And I had, but I ignored it. Yeah,
And I think it's it's a common thing that happens,
ye for us to have a be involved with someone,
(15:07):
not feel good about it, but don't know how to
end it. And especially if you were involved with someone
and it started off really good. Yes, because it's a
whole different thing for us to think about the relationships
that we got into that we weren't good from the beginning.
There's those, but the breakup I think can be pretty
(15:32):
hard when you when you pause and you're like, wait,
but we we started off great, what happened? Right?
Speaker 4 (15:48):
Does it really have to end? Can we go back
to the beginning exactly? That's a good one, girl. And
the number two for me is overthinking the reason. Now,
this one came for me a lot as well. And
what happened was oftentimes it wouldn't even So. The thing
was I would have a reason, but I didn't feel
(16:08):
like it was suitable for the other person. I felt
like they wouldn't accept my reason because a lot of
times it was like I need to focus on myself,
or I just don't feel the vibe, Like the vibe
just isn't there. I just doesn't feel Sometimes I didn't
even have a clear reason. It was just like it
doesn't feel right in my body. My gut is saying no.
Speaker 1 (16:23):
But I had to I didn't know how to explain it,
and I felt like I needed to have something justifiable
that they could agree to because I was recovering people pleaser, right,
So then I tried to start orchestrating the perfect understandable
reason for the breakup, waiting for, you know, something big
to happen. Sometimes I'd be like, all right, I want
to do it at this time, or they do this,
then I'm going to break up and say it for
(16:44):
this reason. It's like just yeah, it just wasn't It
was not serving me. Yeah, it was not serving me.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Yeah, And I think that if you if you're at
that point where you're overthinking it, is it and what
can what can happen sometimes is you're overthinking whether or
not like your reason for breaking up. But on the
(17:11):
flip side of that, you might be overthinking why you
need to stay right, So, okay, they have this one
good thing, and not to say that that's the only
good thing, but there's just one particular good thing that
you are focused in on and you keep overthinking that
(17:32):
or ruminating on that particular thing, expecting that thing to
compensate for all of the other maybe red flags or
misalignment that you're experiencing.
Speaker 1 (17:51):
Yeah, and as you said that, Dom, I just looked
up our episode y'all. It's season twenty five, episode eight,
and it's six reasons you should not stay in a relationship.
So go google that so you could check that out
if that feels like it resonates with you and where
you are. And the last time I would share number
three is the third thing that always would come up
for me when it was time for me to break up.
(18:11):
I got that sign was like resentment and or obligation,
where I began feeling more like I was obligated to
stay versus me wanting to stay, so my desire around
it or my desire to be around them. It was
slowly kind of being replaced by resentment where I find
myself like, damn, do I really want to do this?
Speaker 3 (18:30):
Or like, oh, they're going.
Speaker 1 (18:31):
To feel a certain way, so I should just keep
up with whatever. You know this, I should just stay
in this, or like you know, continue to meet with
them or continue to be with them, because they're going
to feel a certain way. Really, and so then when
you start feeling that way and you're like, do I
really even want to do this, it's just it doesn't
If it doesn't feel right in your body, we should
move on.
Speaker 3 (18:51):
So, yeah, that was another one.
Speaker 2 (18:53):
Yeah, I think that that's a that's a huge factor
in that particular episode where we talked about reasons you
shouldn't stay in a relationship. I think a common thing
that happens is people stay out of obligation because there's kids. Yeah,
and to me, that or this is a controversial one.
(19:18):
People might feel. A person may feel obligated to stay
in the relationship because the partner is sick. Now, I
remember several years ago there was a politician who a
story came out these are not black people. But the story,
(19:41):
I feel like I need to preface that, and so
the story, and so I won't name names of the politician,
but the politician story came out that years ago, this
person there, they were married, their wife had cancer, and
they decided to find or divorce in the middle of
(20:01):
the wife's cancer battle. Thinking at the time being hell
a judgmental of like, well, that's an assholeish thing to do,
Like how do you leave somebody in the middle of
their sickness? Fast forward some years then, you know, I'm
thinking from a perspective of, well, we don't know what
(20:24):
was really happening in that marriage. And while most of
us would say, well wait it out until they're finished
with their cancer treatment, if that relationship is not serving
you or the other person, don't stay out of obligation. Yeah,
(20:51):
And I know that's a controversial statement, particularly when it
comes to somebody being dealing with cancer. I know that's
a controversial statement. And and how many people are in
relationships right now out of obligation and they are.
Speaker 1 (21:09):
Miserable, miserable, And you only have one of these particular
like this particular life. You only live this particular life
one time, and so I think that one other grounding
reminder before we dive into the conversation is like, you
need to put you first by all means necessary to
put you your need, And yeah, put you first, because
you can't pour it from an empty cup.
Speaker 3 (21:30):
If you're miserable and you hate.
Speaker 1 (21:32):
Your life and you're not happy, how are you going
to show up fully as a parent, right as a
friend and all those things awful them? And I don't
This is probably a conversation for another day, but I
think there's a way that you can support someone and
still not be with them romantically, Like right, I know
you're not saying just like lead the person high and
job like.
Speaker 3 (21:50):
Oh okay, you're sick, I'm out. But if you feel like.
Speaker 1 (21:52):
The relationship was already going down that path, there are
ways to navigate it. And maybe that's a conversation an
episode lady, that we can flesh out for another day,
because it is important as well.
Speaker 2 (22:02):
Yes, yes, all right, see, so are we ready to
talk about the girl?
Speaker 5 (22:09):
This step by step guide on I'm going to break
up gratefully, Like I could do this with some empathy
and some compassion and some love for yourself and love
and respect for yourself and the other person.
Speaker 3 (22:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:25):
Absolutely, let's do it, y'all. So Number one is prepare,
reflect before reacting, and know your why. And this is
not even to say that you're going to share the
full why with the other person, but I think it's
so important to get clear on where you are, how
you feel, why does this relationship no longer serve you?
Speaker 2 (22:43):
Right?
Speaker 1 (22:43):
Like what the questions that we asked and the soulful
connection check in those two questions, like the teaser questions
we shared, those are great questions to ask yourself, But
ideally you would get the whole check in and ask
yourself all the questions, flesh them out, be intentional, and
reflect on the reasons behind your decision so that you
can be at peace with what's going on. I had
a friend a couple years ago who was about to
marry this guy, and she kept calling me and she
(23:06):
was asking me like, I don't know if I should
do this, Like what do you think about this scenaria?
And she was asking these questions and I couldn't give
her an answer, but I just told her, like, it
says a lot that you are coming to me with
these questions before you're about to make this big decision.
And I'm so proud of her because she ended up
not going through with it, and it would have she
dodged a bullet. Long story short, but like when you
(23:28):
have these questions coming up, when you think about how
your body is feeling, reflect on that, journal about that,
and think about the impact that this is going to
have on your life if you stay, and also if
you decide to leave, right, because there are always we
always have options and choice, and so think about that,
what's the real reason that you want to end this?
Speaker 2 (23:47):
Yeah, And I think that's important to know the real
reason because there are times when we might be upset
with our partner, or we might be going through a
rough patch with another family member or work, and so
(24:09):
it truly is important to know your why. I know
that oftentimes when people have big things happening in their
life outside of their relationships, that has a huge impact
on the relationship itself. And there are certain there tend
to be certain big life changes that cause people to
question things in the world around them. Right, So, for instance,
(24:32):
someone close to you dies, that can cause people to
put question a lot of things of what's happening around them,
and that might lead to you saying, oh, I don't
need this relationship anymore. Yeah, when really that's not the
(24:53):
decision you need to be making right now. That perhaps
there are some other things that are going on that
need to be addressed, but it is not worth ending
the relationship over and so you really want to truly
sit down and reflect on why is this relationship needing
(25:19):
to come to an end? So then that takes us
to number two. So you are very you are very
clear on why the relationship needs to end, and you're
ready to do it all right, So let's pick the
right setting. Okay, you want a private, calm environment if
(25:44):
you're choosing to do this in person. Right, we're making
the assumption that we're going to take the higher self
approach that is feasible, which is to end the relationship
in person. We understand the the are accepts, and there
are things that there There might be circumstances where it
(26:05):
doesn't warrant meeting in person. So let's say you're dating
right on, like on an app, like you're interacting with
people on a dating app. You've never met this person
in person, yet it doesn't warrant an in person meeting
to say we're ending this. If your only method of
(26:26):
communication has been messaging, then that's how you can end
the relationship. If so, for this stef this is specifically
for your doing this in person, right. You want a private,
calm environment, but also be mindful that this is a
(26:48):
heavy conversation. Whether we want to acknowledge that or not,
this is a heavy conversation, and so you want to
also make sure that the environment that you choose is
one in which your partner would actually be most comfortable in,
(27:08):
not necessarily you, because you're the one who's ending the relationship,
you are clear on what's happening here. Because you are
bringing something so heavy to another person, you want to
make sure that this is an environment that they will
feel comfortable in, but also making sure that it's an
(27:31):
environment where you feel safe. So ideally, under the assumption
that you all don't share a home, don't share a
living situation, pick their living situation, but be clear with
yourself of like, what's your plan to leave out if
(27:53):
unforeseen circumstances happen and you no longer feel safe, what
is your exit strategy? Right, So it feels like it's
a lot to think through. But this is an important
conversation and so you want to handle it with care.
Speaker 3 (28:11):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (28:11):
Let me just say, listening to you share off this time,
I feel like I had a little some flashbacks and
a little bit of anxiety. I think that I think
that most of the points we definitely are in an
agreement on I do want to say I think in general,
just because you never know like how people are going
to take news like this, my preference is to kind
(28:32):
of plant a seed so that it's not and again
this might be me like caring a lot, but so
that it's not yes, coming out of left field. So
it's like, hey, I just want to touch base with
you to let you know I want to talk to
you about something, and kind of like schedule it, like
I want to talk to you about something at this time, right.
So because usually when you let someone know you want
to talk, they're like, okay, their spidy senses might be
(28:52):
going off. I do prefer for like my dating situations previously,
like over the past two years, I prefer or a
phone call, so like texting about the meeting and then
doing like a phone call. I've done FaceTime as well,
but I think for me the phone calls better. So
that way, if you have a script or you have
talking points, you can stay focused. And sometimes things can
(29:15):
get awkward if you're on FaceTime for like a situation
like a marriage, that type of situation, if you feel
safe and you consider the person's emotions their emotional state
in general, and again your safety is important. So if
you feel like you know what, I'm going to do
a phone call for every situation, you do that, like
sometimes yeah, you just never know because.
Speaker 3 (29:34):
People take things.
Speaker 1 (29:35):
You just never People act differently when these types of
conversations come up, So in that situation. I've been in
situations where I have done it in person and it
can be a lot. You know, it can be a lot.
You never know how someone can respond. They might want
to try to like low key, hold you hostage, like
keep you in the situation, or have an emotional outburst.
So sometimes you may want to actually avoid a public
(29:56):
place because like you were saying, it may be comfortable
for you, but then they other person may have an
outburst and then it may cause attention and you want
that private space. I think that therapy could also be
a good option if you want to bring it up
in a therapy session where you have that support and
it's more like a neutral location for the conversation.
Speaker 2 (30:14):
So I think, oh, one caveat with that from a
therapist perspective. One caveat with that is that needs to
be a conversation that you've had already with your therapist
was already in agreement with that? Please? Yes, because I've
had situations where me will have said I want to
bring my partner in and as a therapist, I have
(30:38):
no idea they're bringing this person in to break up
in the session. Yes, So make sure that your therapist
is aware. Did I know that the relationship was rocky rocks? Yes?
Did I expect that it was going to be in
(31:00):
this very moment we're breaking up? No? Now, I was
able to I was able to adjust us. Right, That's
that's one cast you if you were using the session
too in the relationship, make sure your therapist is aware
that that's what's happening.
Speaker 1 (31:20):
Yes, Pa, that's a good point. No, I thank you
for bringing that, adob Absolutely, please do that. And lady
just know, like we are giving you options that you
have to choose from based on your life, based on
your current situation. You know your situation best. So just
kind of take a look at our options and choose
the one that you know works.
Speaker 3 (31:38):
Best for you.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
All right, should we get on the number three now?
Speaker 3 (31:43):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (31:43):
Okay, so number three is be clear, but kind don't
leave mixed signals, okay, So be as direct as possible
about your feelings and intentions. Vagueness can leave room for
hope or confusion, so like, oh, maybe in the future
we can get back together, and I know it's it's
easy easy to try to put those little fillers in
there because you feel bad and you know the other
(32:04):
person may respond a certain way. But try to avoid
language that communicates a mixed signal, right, So avoid things
like sometimes I just need space. Can make them think like, okay,
we once you get space and you'll be back right, or
maybe we can work things out later. That could also
be tricky. Also, I've tried to do the whole like
I was in a relationship and then we became friends
(32:25):
with benefits that don't really usually work.
Speaker 3 (32:28):
So try to if you could.
Speaker 1 (32:29):
Stop, you could listen, all right, sy'all, make sure this
turn is down because the kids might be around. If
you can avoid sext and on a person in the
midst of the breakup. Let me just tell you, it
makes it so complicated. I know that, I know that
many of us do that, Like when you're in the
breakup phase, you spin the block. But if you can
avoid it, it might be easier because it complicates things
so much. But of course we all have our own experiences,
(32:51):
so do what you think is best, but that ends
up usually not being the best. And then be prepared
for an emotional reaction, right, and don't feel the need
to make promises you can keep.
Speaker 2 (33:01):
Yeah, I think yes, I think it's very important to
be to be direct yeah, and not leaving room or
any vagueness or what if or no, be very be
very clear in the statements that you make, like I I,
(33:26):
And this will take us into our next giff of
owning your feelings and using eye statements and not blaming
the other person. So you're saying, I am no longer
happy with this relationship. I no longer feel like we
(33:47):
are in alignment. It would be best for me to
end this relationship. Ending this relationship means that, and you
state what it means. So as we were preparing for
this episode, I was like, well, I was like, that
(34:10):
means no contact, we're not speaking for at least six months,
like no contact, no social media, knows nothing. And then
Terry gently reminded me that, like, well, that's from the
perspective of if you don't have any kids involved, if
you don't have a business, if there aren't other things
that are keeping you all connected, and so if there
(34:33):
are things that are keeping you connected, be clear on
what these things are going to look like, how you
would like to move forward. And so within tip number four,
again owning your feelings and using eye statements, not blaming.
(34:55):
I no longer feel the connection and I once felt Yeah,
I no longer feel that we are in alignment. I
have changed and this relationship no longer fits with the
(35:17):
changes I have made.
Speaker 1 (35:19):
I love those Tom, and I also want to talk
a bit about just what to be prepared for by
way of responses, because people respond in various ways, and
a lot of times in my experience there's been a
bit of manipulation. People may not know how to respond.
But I want to emphasize, reemphasize something I'm shared. This
is not the time to go over the laundry list
(35:39):
of things that didn't work out in the relationship. Oh
on this date, you did this and do that because
it's over, Like, there's no need to do that, right,
And even if the person is asking for all that,
it is okay for you. We're going to we jump
up the head a little bit. It's okay for you
to set boundari. We're gonna talk about boundaries in a bit.
But it's okay for you to not answer certain questions.
Speaker 2 (35:57):
Right.
Speaker 1 (35:57):
There are some questions dom you might have a there
there might be like a therapeutic word for this. But
when there's someone sort of asks you a gotcha question, right,
So I've heard things like, so are you saying that
none of what we had wasn't real? That's not a
question that I'm able to answer. What I'm telling you
is this right here? Because sometimes they try to get
you with the gotcha question along the conversation, when they
(36:17):
hold your ass on the phone all day. It's like,
this is what I'm saying, and I'm not in a
place to answer that question right now, Like I don't
know how to answer that question.
Speaker 4 (36:26):
You.
Speaker 2 (36:26):
Yeah, that's when you become the broken record. M That's
when your statement is your response is it doesn't matter
At this point, I am ready to end the relationship.
Speaker 1 (36:45):
Yes, And if they call you selfish, which may come
up when they say things that are just unreasonable, you
can just say I hear exactly what you're saying. I
hear you, I hear you like that's it. And this
approach of using the I statements, this can help to
reduce the chance of triggering defensiveness and the need to
explain because you're talking about your experience. You're not saying, oh, well,
(37:05):
you did this, and it's like, well, is the there
responsible will you did this too? And we're just talking
about your feelings and you are entitled to feel the
way that you feel. And if something no longer works
for you, that is okay, and the other thing is too.
Like this is a part of closure. You don't always
have to see someone in person fore closure. You don't
always need to try to like have sex with someone
one last time for closure, Like you don't need to
(37:26):
do those things. This is a part of the closure,
and it should be given in a way that doesn't
drag out the conversation or emotions unnecessarily. So I like
to also time block the conversation because a lot of
times what happens in these situations is then they want
to hold you on the phone or on FaceTime or
whatever or in the setting all night long and keep going.
Speaker 3 (37:46):
Over the same things.
Speaker 1 (37:47):
That's something that I've experienced quite a few times where
it's like they sound like a broken record and they're
trying to grasp what's happening, keep going over it, and
it's like time blocking it before you get started, like, oh,
I have an appointment at this time to go do
this thing, to have this conversation, and in that way
it makes it easier to make your exit. So I
want to share that and then also say if you
don't have answers to certain questions, they ask that it's okay. Yeah, yeah,
(38:11):
it is okay, and you can say that.
Speaker 2 (38:15):
And so then that takes us to number five.
Speaker 1 (38:18):
All right, number five, that must be me don all right.
Number five is allowed emotion, but hold boundaries. This is
so important to remember. You don't have to fix their feelings.
I know, again, as a recovering people please are domb
I'm sure you probably dealt with this too as a
recovering people pleaser, As someone who's very empathetic and who
does not want to hurt people's feelings, sometimes it's easy
(38:38):
to want to fix it in the midst of you
trying to end it right. And so just remember like
breakups can be emotional, and that's okay. Allow the other
person to express their emotions, but make sure you stay
grounded in your decision and try not to have them
loop you back in. I know that's easier said than done.
But one of the patterns that I used to have
in these breakup situations, which is like a tell tell
(39:00):
sign that I should not have been in the connection,
is that I would be I find myself having tried
to break up with the person multiple times, and it's like,
once you do it one time, it's probably that probably
means that that's your body, that's your gut telling you that,
you know what, this is not a good fit. And
so then I end up going back and then something
else would happen and or my body would just be like, hey,
(39:20):
this is not for you, and I do it again.
So really listen to your body. Allow the other person
to feel how they feel. It's natural for them to
feel hurt, confused, or even angry, but you don't have
to carry their emotions. Those are their emotions that they
need to figure out how to manage and work through
within their process. So hopefully they have a therapist or
someone they can go to work through those emotions. But
(39:42):
be sure to maintain your boundaries while offering empathy and
understanding without taking on that emotional burden. And I will
tell you one of the most challenging breakups has definitely
been a divorce when there is a child involved and
where there is a situation where you have to maintainnnection
with the person and co parenting is a real thing,
(40:02):
and ensuring that you have a safe and loving environment
for the child that's involved. It's so challenging, but it
can be done with care, intentionality, and support. So I
am so thankful for my therapist. My support system will
help me navigate that. But it is possible.
Speaker 2 (40:17):
So just know that, yes, it truly is possible, and
I think it's It is important to acknowledge the other
person's feelings, validate their feelings, but.
Speaker 1 (40:31):
Don't say, don't apologize, right.
Speaker 2 (40:32):
Don exactly You can validate somebody's feelings without taking it
on or taking responsibility for their feelings. You can say
I can understand why you're angry, or I can see
why you're hurt, that doesn't change that. I that doesn't
(40:54):
change the fact that I want to end this relationship.
Speaker 1 (41:00):
I have a question for you what you do and
those what would you recommend in those situations? And you
probably know exactly what I'm talking about. Where the person
is like, so you're just gonna hurt me like this,
Like they ask those types of questions where it's like
you you.
Speaker 3 (41:12):
Are damned if you do, damned if you don't, where
it's like, oh, so you just give you this to me,
Uh huh.
Speaker 2 (41:17):
You hold farm in that bound in your boundaries, and
you hold farm in your decision, and you say, I
am very clear that this relationship needs to end. I
can understand that you're hurt. That doesn't change that this
relationship needs to end. And you keep you become the
(41:38):
broken record. I am clear that this relationship needs to end,
and so you that, and that's holding that boundary right,
and that's being clear that you don't have to fix
their feeling. That they are allowed to feel whatever it
is that they're feeling, but you aren't responsible for fixed
(42:00):
their feeling. So then that takes us to our last tip,
make a clean break. Don't drag it out. So I
know team you mentioned before of ending it. Maybe they
give a stob story, or maybe they say I'm gonna
(42:21):
fix I'm gonna change X y Z behaviors or whatever
that thing is. Maybe they offer you some good staff.
Whatever that thing is that pulls you back in, you
find yourself in this cycle. So one way to prevent
that from happening is to just be very clear, and
(42:46):
this is it. This is done, no more, that's it,
that's all. There's no room for let's revisit this in
two weeks, three months. There's no revisiting because if you've
gotten to number six, where you're making a clean break,
(43:07):
that means that you have already done step one and
have reflected on why this relationship meets in. That's why
we have you start with that, because if you are
very clear on your why, there is no need to
drag it out. You can end it right there. And lady,
(43:33):
if you are going through a separation or divorce like
that's this is that point where you make it clear.
You all can discuss what the next steps need to be.
But the thing that you were clear on is that
this relationship is ending.
Speaker 1 (43:52):
Yeah, and you know, so, don we talked about something
before we hit record, and I just wanted to circle
back to it, and I find that one thing that
I'm doing now and I done slowed down with the dating.
I'm focused right now. But one thing I've done is
when I see red flag, you're funny, but I see
red flags. Y'all got to watch the video to see
(44:14):
our facial expressions. Okay, so go to Patreon and watch
the video of the episode. But when I see red flags,
now my body gives me a sign. I end shit quick.
And I used to just like, oh, well, let me
see what's going to happen. So recently, I've talked about
this in a previous episode. I had a two nightstand
and I could not put my finger on what it
was about the guy that I started talking to.
Speaker 3 (44:35):
But I was just like, I'm not feeling it.
Speaker 1 (44:37):
So I literally just text them and send them the
off boarding text, which now, Lady Domina are about to
go record the after show, and what we're going to
do is we're going to do give you a few
tips about five tips on what not to do in
these breakup situations. We're going to share some templates that
you can literally copy and paste to text, email, send
through the mail whatever it is your method is going
(44:59):
to be, will put those in there as well, and
then we'll also have the full soulful connection check in
so that you can really get grounded and get clear
with yourself on where you are, why you feel, how
you feel, and be empowered to make the right decisions.
So make sure you head on over to her Space
podcast dot com and you can get access to all
these goodies in addition to our bonuses and other after
(45:20):
shows and the video content. If you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed,
or unsure of your next steps, this is for you. Hey, lady,
is Tea here and I just want to invite you
to my free goal map like a pro coaching workshop,
where I'll share the five proven steps to get unstuck
and achieve your goals. Whether you're feeling overwhelmed by all
(45:41):
your ideas, juggling scattered ideas, or maybe you just need
confidence to start, this workshop will give you the clarity,
tools and the motivation to take back control.
Speaker 3 (45:52):
Reserve your spot.
Speaker 1 (45:53):
For free by visiting her spacepodcast dot com and clicking
on the goal map like a pro webinar, Lady, don't
miss this chance to build a road map that fits
your life and set you up for success.
Speaker 3 (46:05):
I hope to see you there.
Speaker 2 (46:08):
Thanks for tuning into Cultivating her Space. Remember that while
this podcast is all about healing, empowerment, and resilience, it's
not a substitute for therapy. If you or someone you
know needs support, check out resources like Therapy for Black
Girls or Psychology Today. If you love today's episode, do
(46:30):
us a favor and share it with a friend who
needs some inspiration, or leave us a quick five star review.
Your support means the world to us and helps keep
this space thriving.
Speaker 1 (46:42):
And before we meet again, repeat after me. My actions
are aligned with purpose leading to continuous transformation. Keep thriving, lady,
and tune in next Friday for more inspiration from Cultivating
her Space. In the meantime, be sure to connect with
us on Instagram at her Space Podcast
On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space. Really, listen
to your body. Allow the other person to feel how
they feel. It's natural for them to feel hurt, confused,
or even angry. But you don't have to carry their emotions.
Those are their emotions that they need to figure out
how to manage and work through within their process. So
hopefully they have a therapist or someone they can go
to work through those emotions.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Hey, lady, have you ever felt like the world just
doesn't get you? Well, we do.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
Welcome to Cultivating her Space, the podcast dedicated to uplifting
and empowering women like you.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
We're your hosts, Doctor Dominique Grussard and educator and psychologists.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
And Terry Lomax, a techie and transformational speaker.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
Join us every week for authentic conversations about everything from
fibroids to fake friends as we create space for black
women to just b.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Before we dive in, make sure you hit that follow
button and leave us a quick five star review.
Speaker 3 (01:06):
Lady, we are.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
Black founded and black owned, and your support will help
us reach even more women like you.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
Now, let's get into this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.
It's doctor dom here from the Cultivating her Space podcast.
Are you currently a resident of the state of California
in contemplating starting your therapy journey, Well, if so, please
reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com.
(01:36):
That's d R D O M I N I q
U E B R O U ss ar D dot
com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. I look
forward to hearing from you, all right. Our quote of
(01:56):
the day Sometime the most loving thing you can do
is let go. I'm gonna say that one more time
so that you feel it in your spirit. Sometimes the
most loving thing you can do is let go. Ooh
tea this quote and our topic for today. Yeah, when
(02:24):
you hear that quote, what comes up for you?
Speaker 1 (02:28):
What comes up for me is Okay, I'm thinking about
an episode we had with doctor Tama where she talked
about basically basically, she said that if you know that
ending the connection is inevitable, if you know it's not
a good fit, it's better to make a decision swiftly,
let go swiftly versus dragging it on because you're gonna
(02:51):
cause harm either way usually, right, and so it's better
to just do it now because the longer you you
kind of put on that front, it's going to be
even harder on the line because it's more connection and
bonding being built. So when I hear this quote, that's
what I'm thinking about. Sometimes it might be hard, but
sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let
someone go so they can be with someone who's a
good fit for them, and so that you can also
(03:14):
have your freedom and find someone who's aligned with you.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
Yes, yes, I love that, and yeah, I think for me,
I think the thing that was coming up was that
the loving thing is not one sided, right, that ending
this relationship would be loving for you, and it's an
(03:43):
act of love for the other part towards the other
person as well, and so recognizing that it is hard oftentimes,
not all, not every time, but oftentimes ending a relationship
is hard. But you're right in that, like when you
(04:04):
ended swiftly once you know that you're not in it.
If you ended swiftly, then that, like you said, that
allows the other person to have time to move on
and find someone who's a better fit for them and
for you to be able to do the same.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
Yeah, I think you're spot on. I feel we do
people in ourselves a disservice when we don't do that,
and I have a lot of experience with that, unfortunately,
but we're going to talk about it today. So I
don't know about y'all, but I feel like I've been
presented with numerous opportunities in life to break up with people.
And that's maybe another conversation for another day on the
why behind that. Actually, I want to share a little
(04:45):
bit with you. I think most of the time, for me,
dom it's because I find myself, especially being a recovering
people pleaser, I found myself getting into relationships that I
knew were not for me. So then of course I'm
you know, I'm in the relationship, and then I'm at
a point where I'm like, wait a second, this is
not for me, So then I have to end it
because it's just not a good fit.
Speaker 3 (05:03):
Right.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
And so today we are talking about how to end
relationships with grace, courage, and compassion even when your heart
feels heavy, because this is a very important conversation to
cover it is.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
And I think the thing, even though to me, my
automatic thought when we talk about this about breaking up
goes to romantic relationships, this conversation the tips that we're
going to offer can apply to friendships, most definitely situationships
(05:39):
and in general connections that no longer align with who
you are.
Speaker 1 (05:48):
Yes, and the good thing is, y'all we got you.
So we are going to give you some breakup text
templates or if you want to email it to the person,
whatever your style is, or write a letter. Right, We're
going to give you some templates that you can literally
copy and paste when you don't have the words, because
sometimes it is very challenging to figure out like how
do I want to communicate this? How do I want
to initiate the conversation, and so we help when you're out.
(06:09):
We want to give you a little template, a couple
of templates that you can use and make your own
based on your unique situation. And we also have what
we call a soulful Connection check in to help you
ground yourself in clarity before you make any big moves.
So we're actually going to dive into that now. Before
we get deeper into the episode, we want to share
the soulful Connection check in and go over a few
(06:30):
teaser questions to kind of give you an idea of
what to expect and what this actually is. And so
we've done this a couple times on the episodes, we
may continue the soulful Connection check in. It's basically a
reflective tool that helps you assess where you're at emotionally
before navigating a tough conversation like a breakup. Right, So
it's all about getting clear on your own feelings, ensuring
(06:51):
that you're aligned with your values before taking action because
sometimes we can have outside influences and at the end
of the day, this is really your decision. What feels
like in your body, what feels like for you and
your life, and where you are in this season.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
Yes, yes, you know this. This soulful Connection truly is
designed to help you understand your reasons, your emotions, and
I think also the bigger picture before making before making decisions,
right and so particularly in this episode, the soulful Connection,
(07:32):
like we said before, is not just for romantic breakups,
but it's also a tool you can use when you're
trying to make any big decision in your life regarding
any type of connection or relationship.
Speaker 1 (07:48):
And one thing to note, we're going to dive into
it in just a bit, but Domini are going to
go over to teaser questions to kind of give you
a little little taste of what it's like. But if
you want the full check in, all the questions and
all the section, you can visit her space podcast dot
com and subscribe to our Patreon. You can just click
anywhere you see Patreon on our website. And again, it's
a simple but powerful way to ensure you're stepping into
(08:09):
your decisions with more clarity and self awareness.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
All right, so now wait before let's let's let's be clear,
because you know, I want folks to really understand that
by subscribing, like we're not telling you subscribe solely for
getting the soulful check in, but when you subscribe, you
also will get exclusive content, bonus episodes, and early access
(08:37):
to upcoming episodes. And so while this check in will
give you a deeper understanding of yourself and empower you
to handle those tough moments with great that subscription will
give you access to even more tools and content from us.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
All right, y'all, so make sure you subscribe and you'll
get all the all the goodness that DONMG just shared.
But let's go ahead and jump into this first question. Okay,
for today's Soulful Connection check Eryl. His first question is,
what are your reasons for staying in the relationship, and
when you think about this question, Okay, listen, when you
think about this question, here's the thing. Dom When I
hear this question, it makes me think about situations where
(09:17):
I was so concerned about what everyone else was thinking
about the relationship. So when it came to my reasons
for staying, oftentimes I'm like, well, what about this, Like
I'm saying because of what people would think if I,
you know, end it or they see that I'm separated
or divorced or whatever it might be right or not
with this person anymore, or maybe you have a child, or.
Speaker 3 (09:38):
Maybe there could be numerous reasons.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
And we have an episode about why you should not
stay in a relationship, so go check that one out
as well. But think about it, like, are you staying
for fear, guilt, out of habit, out of obligation? Right,
this is a question that I believe can really help
you get to the root of why you're there and
if you need to stay there, And a lot of
times too, Like we'll cover this more in detail just
a bit, but like we know a lot of times
(10:02):
we know, and your gut you can feel it, you know,
And yeah, so I think this is a really good
question to ask yourself.
Speaker 2 (10:10):
Yeah, it's a hard one, but it's a good one.
It's a good one.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:16):
Now this next question, how do you feel when you
think about the other person? Now, lady, I want you
to pause, and if you are in a relationship right now, pause,
get still and ask yourself how do you feel when
(10:40):
you think about the other person? So say that person's name,
and pay attention to how your body responds, like not
just not just what thoughts come up, but what are
the feelings and what is the physiological response that you're experience.
(11:01):
Do you feel relief sadness, guilt, excitement, maybe a little
tingle in another region? What are the feelings that what's
coming up when you think about this person? And so
understanding how you feel and what comes up in your
(11:24):
body what do you experience in your body will help
you have some honesty and clarity around what decision do
you need to make?
Speaker 1 (11:37):
I love that question so much, job, and I feel
like there's an activity within that question that you can
also take on, lady.
Speaker 3 (11:43):
So think about it. You could either.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
Tell tell let's say you're dating like multiple people or
maybe it is just one person that you're thinking about,
tell a friend or your therapist about the person, and
when you're finished telling them, ask that person what they
perceived about your body language and energy. Because I was
a twelve year relationship and then I was I've been
dating for the past two years after my separation. And
when I tell you dating multiple people, it was so
(12:07):
insightful for me, and it gave me a lot of
experience and practice ending connections and also realizing how my
body felt. So I was talking to my therapist about
these two different guys I was dating along my dating journey,
and I didn't even tell her about how I really felt.
I didn't really give her a lot of detail about them.
But what she told me after I shared information about
both of them, she was like your body language when
(12:28):
you talked about this person, it was open and light
and free, and when you talked about the second person,
it was like you closed up. Even the way you
were moving your body was different. And so just listen
to your body because a lot of times, right our
bodies do keep the score and it tells us things
that sometimes our mind may not have had a chance
to really register. So those are our questions. Now, don
(12:51):
when I think about all the breakups that I've had, right,
there are a couple of things I've noticed when it
comes to these breakups. It's like it always happens, and
pretty much situation one is a gut feeling. I feel
like I knew it in my gut and my intuition
was telling me that it's time, and oftentimes I ignored that.
I rarely acted on it right away, and I found
(13:12):
myself either wanting to stop spending time with that person
or asking myself for others like should I stay? You know,
you start calling up your friend asking for advice question
that you already know the answer to you, like.
Speaker 3 (13:23):
Girl, this happened, should I stay? And it's like you
know the answer?
Speaker 1 (13:26):
We sometimes just need that validation, right, So that is
one thing that happens.
Speaker 3 (13:29):
Have you experienced that ever?
Speaker 2 (13:32):
Yeah, I would say early on, like particularly in my twenties,
like I was, it happened. It happened more often than not,
that I was ignoring my intuition. Yes, So like there
would be that gut feeling or I wasn't acknowledging what
was coming up in my body when I would think
(13:54):
of a particular person. And so I think for a
lot of us if we slow down and tune in
the information is there. It's a matter of us paying
attention to it. Like there were situations where I knew
(14:16):
things were done and I, out of embarrassment, shame, fear,
continue to engage with that person and couldn't bring myself
to end it even though in my body, like my
(14:40):
body was letting me know, yeah, girl, this ain't this
ain't it, This ain't this is the time has come
to end this? Yeah, And I had, but I ignored it. Yeah,
And I think it's it's a common thing that happens,
ye for us to have a be involved with someone,
(15:07):
not feel good about it, but don't know how to
end it. And especially if you were involved with someone
and it started off really good. Yes, because it's a
whole different thing for us to think about the relationships
that we got into that we weren't good from the beginning.
There's those, but the breakup I think can be pretty
(15:32):
hard when you when you pause and you're like, wait,
but we we started off great, what happened? Right?
Speaker 4 (15:48):
Does it really have to end? Can we go back
to the beginning exactly? That's a good one, girl. And
the number two for me is overthinking the reason. Now,
this one came for me a lot as well. And
what happened was oftentimes it wouldn't even So. The thing
was I would have a reason, but I didn't feel
(16:08):
like it was suitable for the other person. I felt
like they wouldn't accept my reason because a lot of
times it was like I need to focus on myself,
or I just don't feel the vibe, Like the vibe
just isn't there. I just doesn't feel Sometimes I didn't
even have a clear reason. It was just like it
doesn't feel right in my body. My gut is saying no.
Speaker 1 (16:23):
But I had to I didn't know how to explain it,
and I felt like I needed to have something justifiable
that they could agree to because I was recovering people pleaser, right,
So then I tried to start orchestrating the perfect understandable
reason for the breakup, waiting for, you know, something big
to happen. Sometimes I'd be like, all right, I want
to do it at this time, or they do this,
then I'm going to break up and say it for
(16:44):
this reason. It's like just yeah, it just wasn't It
was not serving me. Yeah, it was not serving me.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Yeah, And I think that if you if you're at
that point where you're overthinking it, is it and what
can what can happen sometimes is you're overthinking whether or
not like your reason for breaking up. But on the
(17:11):
flip side of that, you might be overthinking why you
need to stay right, So, okay, they have this one
good thing, and not to say that that's the only
good thing, but there's just one particular good thing that
you are focused in on and you keep overthinking that
(17:32):
or ruminating on that particular thing, expecting that thing to
compensate for all of the other maybe red flags or
misalignment that you're experiencing.
Speaker 1 (17:51):
Yeah, and as you said that, Dom, I just looked
up our episode y'all. It's season twenty five, episode eight,
and it's six reasons you should not stay in a relationship.
So go google that so you could check that out
if that feels like it resonates with you and where
you are. And the last time I would share number
three is the third thing that always would come up
for me when it was time for me to break up.
(18:11):
I got that sign was like resentment and or obligation,
where I began feeling more like I was obligated to
stay versus me wanting to stay, so my desire around
it or my desire to be around them. It was
slowly kind of being replaced by resentment where I find
myself like, damn, do I really want to do this?
Speaker 3 (18:30):
Or like, oh, they're going.
Speaker 1 (18:31):
To feel a certain way, so I should just keep
up with whatever. You know this, I should just stay
in this, or like you know, continue to meet with
them or continue to be with them, because they're going
to feel a certain way. Really, and so then when
you start feeling that way and you're like, do I
really even want to do this, it's just it doesn't
If it doesn't feel right in your body, we should
move on.
Speaker 3 (18:51):
So, yeah, that was another one.
Speaker 2 (18:53):
Yeah, I think that that's a that's a huge factor
in that particular episode where we talked about reasons you
shouldn't stay in a relationship. I think a common thing
that happens is people stay out of obligation because there's kids. Yeah,
and to me, that or this is a controversial one.
(19:18):
People might feel. A person may feel obligated to stay
in the relationship because the partner is sick. Now, I
remember several years ago there was a politician who a
story came out these are not black people. But the story,
(19:41):
I feel like I need to preface that, and so
the story, and so I won't name names of the politician,
but the politician story came out that years ago, this
person there, they were married, their wife had cancer, and
they decided to find or divorce in the middle of
(20:01):
the wife's cancer battle. Thinking at the time being hell
a judgmental of like, well, that's an assholeish thing to do,
Like how do you leave somebody in the middle of
their sickness? Fast forward some years then, you know, I'm
thinking from a perspective of, well, we don't know what
(20:24):
was really happening in that marriage. And while most of
us would say, well wait it out until they're finished
with their cancer treatment, if that relationship is not serving
you or the other person, don't stay out of obligation. Yeah,
(20:51):
And I know that's a controversial statement, particularly when it
comes to somebody being dealing with cancer. I know that's
a controversial statement. And and how many people are in
relationships right now out of obligation and they are.
Speaker 1 (21:09):
Miserable, miserable, And you only have one of these particular
like this particular life. You only live this particular life
one time, and so I think that one other grounding
reminder before we dive into the conversation is like, you
need to put you first by all means necessary to
put you your need, And yeah, put you first, because
you can't pour it from an empty cup.
Speaker 3 (21:30):
If you're miserable and you hate.
Speaker 1 (21:32):
Your life and you're not happy, how are you going
to show up fully as a parent, right as a
friend and all those things awful them? And I don't
This is probably a conversation for another day, but I
think there's a way that you can support someone and
still not be with them romantically, Like right, I know
you're not saying just like lead the person high and
job like.
Speaker 3 (21:50):
Oh okay, you're sick, I'm out. But if you feel like.
Speaker 1 (21:52):
The relationship was already going down that path, there are
ways to navigate it. And maybe that's a conversation an
episode lady, that we can flesh out for another day,
because it is important as well.
Speaker 2 (22:02):
Yes, yes, all right, see, so are we ready to
talk about the girl?
Speaker 5 (22:09):
This step by step guide on I'm going to break
up gratefully, Like I could do this with some empathy
and some compassion and some love for yourself and love
and respect for yourself and the other person.
Speaker 3 (22:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:25):
Absolutely, let's do it, y'all. So Number one is prepare,
reflect before reacting, and know your why. And this is
not even to say that you're going to share the
full why with the other person, but I think it's
so important to get clear on where you are, how
you feel, why does this relationship no longer serve you?
Speaker 2 (22:43):
Right?
Speaker 1 (22:43):
Like what the questions that we asked and the soulful
connection check in those two questions, like the teaser questions
we shared, those are great questions to ask yourself, But
ideally you would get the whole check in and ask
yourself all the questions, flesh them out, be intentional, and
reflect on the reasons behind your decision so that you
can be at peace with what's going on. I had
a friend a couple years ago who was about to
marry this guy, and she kept calling me and she
(23:06):
was asking me like, I don't know if I should
do this, Like what do you think about this scenaria?
And she was asking these questions and I couldn't give
her an answer, but I just told her, like, it
says a lot that you are coming to me with
these questions before you're about to make this big decision.
And I'm so proud of her because she ended up
not going through with it, and it would have she
dodged a bullet. Long story short, but like when you
(23:28):
have these questions coming up, when you think about how
your body is feeling, reflect on that, journal about that,
and think about the impact that this is going to
have on your life if you stay, and also if
you decide to leave, right, because there are always we
always have options and choice, and so think about that,
what's the real reason that you want to end this?
Speaker 2 (23:47):
Yeah, And I think that's important to know the real
reason because there are times when we might be upset
with our partner, or we might be going through a
rough patch with another family member or work, and so
(24:09):
it truly is important to know your why. I know
that oftentimes when people have big things happening in their
life outside of their relationships, that has a huge impact
on the relationship itself. And there are certain there tend
to be certain big life changes that cause people to
question things in the world around them. Right, So, for instance,
(24:32):
someone close to you dies, that can cause people to
put question a lot of things of what's happening around them,
and that might lead to you saying, oh, I don't
need this relationship anymore. Yeah, when really that's not the
(24:53):
decision you need to be making right now. That perhaps
there are some other things that are going on that
need to be addressed, but it is not worth ending
the relationship over and so you really want to truly
sit down and reflect on why is this relationship needing
(25:19):
to come to an end? So then that takes us
to number two. So you are very you are very
clear on why the relationship needs to end, and you're
ready to do it all right, So let's pick the
right setting. Okay, you want a private, calm environment if
(25:44):
you're choosing to do this in person. Right, we're making
the assumption that we're going to take the higher self
approach that is feasible, which is to end the relationship
in person. We understand the the are accepts, and there
are things that there There might be circumstances where it
(26:05):
doesn't warrant meeting in person. So let's say you're dating
right on, like on an app, like you're interacting with
people on a dating app. You've never met this person
in person, yet it doesn't warrant an in person meeting
to say we're ending this. If your only method of
(26:26):
communication has been messaging, then that's how you can end
the relationship. If so, for this stef this is specifically
for your doing this in person, right. You want a private,
calm environment, but also be mindful that this is a
(26:48):
heavy conversation. Whether we want to acknowledge that or not,
this is a heavy conversation, and so you want to
also make sure that the environment that you choose is
one in which your partner would actually be most comfortable in,
(27:08):
not necessarily you, because you're the one who's ending the relationship,
you are clear on what's happening here. Because you are
bringing something so heavy to another person, you want to
make sure that this is an environment that they will
feel comfortable in, but also making sure that it's an
(27:31):
environment where you feel safe. So ideally, under the assumption
that you all don't share a home, don't share a
living situation, pick their living situation, but be clear with
yourself of like, what's your plan to leave out if
(27:53):
unforeseen circumstances happen and you no longer feel safe, what
is your exit strategy? Right, So it feels like it's
a lot to think through. But this is an important
conversation and so you want to handle it with care.
Speaker 3 (28:11):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (28:11):
Let me just say, listening to you share off this time,
I feel like I had a little some flashbacks and
a little bit of anxiety. I think that I think
that most of the points we definitely are in an
agreement on I do want to say I think in general,
just because you never know like how people are going
to take news like this, my preference is to kind
(28:32):
of plant a seed so that it's not and again
this might be me like caring a lot, but so
that it's not yes, coming out of left field. So
it's like, hey, I just want to touch base with
you to let you know I want to talk to
you about something, and kind of like schedule it, like
I want to talk to you about something at this time, right.
So because usually when you let someone know you want
to talk, they're like, okay, their spidy senses might be
(28:52):
going off. I do prefer for like my dating situations previously,
like over the past two years, I prefer or a
phone call, so like texting about the meeting and then
doing like a phone call. I've done FaceTime as well,
but I think for me the phone calls better. So
that way, if you have a script or you have
talking points, you can stay focused. And sometimes things can
(29:15):
get awkward if you're on FaceTime for like a situation
like a marriage, that type of situation, if you feel
safe and you consider the person's emotions their emotional state
in general, and again your safety is important. So if
you feel like you know what, I'm going to do
a phone call for every situation, you do that, like
sometimes yeah, you just never know because.
Speaker 3 (29:34):
People take things.
Speaker 1 (29:35):
You just never People act differently when these types of
conversations come up, So in that situation. I've been in
situations where I have done it in person and it
can be a lot. You know, it can be a lot.
You never know how someone can respond. They might want
to try to like low key, hold you hostage, like
keep you in the situation, or have an emotional outburst.
So sometimes you may want to actually avoid a public
(29:56):
place because like you were saying, it may be comfortable
for you, but then they other person may have an
outburst and then it may cause attention and you want
that private space. I think that therapy could also be
a good option if you want to bring it up
in a therapy session where you have that support and
it's more like a neutral location for the conversation.
Speaker 2 (30:14):
So I think, oh, one caveat with that from a
therapist perspective. One caveat with that is that needs to
be a conversation that you've had already with your therapist
was already in agreement with that? Please? Yes, because I've
had situations where me will have said I want to
bring my partner in and as a therapist, I have
(30:38):
no idea they're bringing this person in to break up
in the session. Yes, So make sure that your therapist
is aware. Did I know that the relationship was rocky rocks? Yes?
Did I expect that it was going to be in
(31:00):
this very moment we're breaking up? No? Now, I was
able to I was able to adjust us. Right, That's
that's one cast you if you were using the session
too in the relationship, make sure your therapist is aware
that that's what's happening.
Speaker 1 (31:20):
Yes, Pa, that's a good point. No, I thank you
for bringing that, adob Absolutely, please do that. And lady
just know, like we are giving you options that you
have to choose from based on your life, based on
your current situation. You know your situation best. So just
kind of take a look at our options and choose
the one that you know works.
Speaker 3 (31:38):
Best for you.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
All right, should we get on the number three now?
Speaker 3 (31:43):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (31:43):
Okay, so number three is be clear, but kind don't
leave mixed signals, okay, So be as direct as possible
about your feelings and intentions. Vagueness can leave room for
hope or confusion, so like, oh, maybe in the future
we can get back together, and I know it's it's
easy easy to try to put those little fillers in
there because you feel bad and you know the other
(32:04):
person may respond a certain way. But try to avoid
language that communicates a mixed signal, right, So avoid things
like sometimes I just need space. Can make them think like, okay,
we once you get space and you'll be back right, or
maybe we can work things out later. That could also
be tricky. Also, I've tried to do the whole like
I was in a relationship and then we became friends
(32:25):
with benefits that don't really usually work.
Speaker 3 (32:28):
So try to if you could.
Speaker 1 (32:29):
Stop, you could listen, all right, sy'all, make sure this
turn is down because the kids might be around. If
you can avoid sext and on a person in the
midst of the breakup. Let me just tell you, it
makes it so complicated. I know that, I know that
many of us do that, Like when you're in the
breakup phase, you spin the block. But if you can
avoid it, it might be easier because it complicates things
so much. But of course we all have our own experiences,
(32:51):
so do what you think is best, but that ends
up usually not being the best. And then be prepared
for an emotional reaction, right, and don't feel the need
to make promises you can keep.
Speaker 2 (33:01):
Yeah, I think yes, I think it's very important to
be to be direct yeah, and not leaving room or
any vagueness or what if or no, be very be
very clear in the statements that you make, like I I,
(33:26):
And this will take us into our next giff of
owning your feelings and using eye statements and not blaming
the other person. So you're saying, I am no longer
happy with this relationship. I no longer feel like we
(33:47):
are in alignment. It would be best for me to
end this relationship. Ending this relationship means that, and you
state what it means. So as we were preparing for
this episode, I was like, well, I was like, that
(34:10):
means no contact, we're not speaking for at least six months,
like no contact, no social media, knows nothing. And then
Terry gently reminded me that, like, well, that's from the
perspective of if you don't have any kids involved, if
you don't have a business, if there aren't other things
that are keeping you all connected, and so if there
(34:33):
are things that are keeping you connected, be clear on
what these things are going to look like, how you
would like to move forward. And so within tip number four,
again owning your feelings and using eye statements, not blaming.
(34:55):
I no longer feel the connection and I once felt Yeah,
I no longer feel that we are in alignment. I
have changed and this relationship no longer fits with the
(35:17):
changes I have made.
Speaker 1 (35:19):
I love those Tom, and I also want to talk
a bit about just what to be prepared for by
way of responses, because people respond in various ways, and
a lot of times in my experience there's been a
bit of manipulation. People may not know how to respond.
But I want to emphasize, reemphasize something I'm shared. This
is not the time to go over the laundry list
(35:39):
of things that didn't work out in the relationship. Oh
on this date, you did this and do that because
it's over, Like, there's no need to do that, right,
And even if the person is asking for all that,
it is okay for you. We're going to we jump
up the head a little bit. It's okay for you
to set boundari. We're gonna talk about boundaries in a bit.
But it's okay for you to not answer certain questions.
Speaker 2 (35:57):
Right.
Speaker 1 (35:57):
There are some questions dom you might have a there
there might be like a therapeutic word for this. But
when there's someone sort of asks you a gotcha question, right,
So I've heard things like, so are you saying that
none of what we had wasn't real? That's not a
question that I'm able to answer. What I'm telling you
is this right here? Because sometimes they try to get
you with the gotcha question along the conversation, when they
(36:17):
hold your ass on the phone all day. It's like,
this is what I'm saying, and I'm not in a
place to answer that question right now, Like I don't
know how to answer that question.
Speaker 4 (36:26):
You.
Speaker 2 (36:26):
Yeah, that's when you become the broken record. M That's
when your statement is your response is it doesn't matter
At this point, I am ready to end the relationship.
Speaker 1 (36:45):
Yes, And if they call you selfish, which may come
up when they say things that are just unreasonable, you
can just say I hear exactly what you're saying. I
hear you, I hear you like that's it. And this
approach of using the I statements, this can help to
reduce the chance of triggering defensiveness and the need to
explain because you're talking about your experience. You're not saying, oh, well,
(37:05):
you did this, and it's like, well, is the there
responsible will you did this too? And we're just talking
about your feelings and you are entitled to feel the
way that you feel. And if something no longer works
for you, that is okay, and the other thing is too.
Like this is a part of closure. You don't always
have to see someone in person fore closure. You don't
always need to try to like have sex with someone
one last time for closure, Like you don't need to
(37:26):
do those things. This is a part of the closure,
and it should be given in a way that doesn't
drag out the conversation or emotions unnecessarily. So I like
to also time block the conversation because a lot of
times what happens in these situations is then they want
to hold you on the phone or on FaceTime or
whatever or in the setting all night long and keep going.
Speaker 3 (37:46):
Over the same things.
Speaker 1 (37:47):
That's something that I've experienced quite a few times where
it's like they sound like a broken record and they're
trying to grasp what's happening, keep going over it, and
it's like time blocking it before you get started, like, oh,
I have an appointment at this time to go do
this thing, to have this conversation, and in that way
it makes it easier to make your exit. So I
want to share that and then also say if you
don't have answers to certain questions, they ask that it's okay. Yeah, yeah,
(38:11):
it is okay, and you can say that.
Speaker 2 (38:15):
And so then that takes us to number five.
Speaker 1 (38:18):
All right, number five, that must be me don all right.
Number five is allowed emotion, but hold boundaries. This is
so important to remember. You don't have to fix their feelings.
I know, again, as a recovering people please are domb
I'm sure you probably dealt with this too as a
recovering people pleaser, As someone who's very empathetic and who
does not want to hurt people's feelings, sometimes it's easy
(38:38):
to want to fix it in the midst of you
trying to end it right. And so just remember like
breakups can be emotional, and that's okay. Allow the other
person to express their emotions, but make sure you stay
grounded in your decision and try not to have them
loop you back in. I know that's easier said than done.
But one of the patterns that I used to have
in these breakup situations, which is like a tell tell
(39:00):
sign that I should not have been in the connection,
is that I would be I find myself having tried
to break up with the person multiple times, and it's like,
once you do it one time, it's probably that probably
means that that's your body, that's your gut telling you that,
you know what, this is not a good fit. And
so then I end up going back and then something
else would happen and or my body would just be like, hey,
(39:20):
this is not for you, and I do it again.
So really listen to your body. Allow the other person
to feel how they feel. It's natural for them to
feel hurt, confused, or even angry, but you don't have
to carry their emotions. Those are their emotions that they
need to figure out how to manage and work through
within their process. So hopefully they have a therapist or
someone they can go to work through those emotions. But
(39:42):
be sure to maintain your boundaries while offering empathy and
understanding without taking on that emotional burden. And I will
tell you one of the most challenging breakups has definitely
been a divorce when there is a child involved and
where there is a situation where you have to maintainnnection
with the person and co parenting is a real thing,
(40:02):
and ensuring that you have a safe and loving environment
for the child that's involved. It's so challenging, but it
can be done with care, intentionality, and support. So I
am so thankful for my therapist. My support system will
help me navigate that. But it is possible.
Speaker 2 (40:17):
So just know that, yes, it truly is possible, and
I think it's It is important to acknowledge the other
person's feelings, validate their feelings, but.
Speaker 1 (40:31):
Don't say, don't apologize, right.
Speaker 2 (40:32):
Don exactly You can validate somebody's feelings without taking it
on or taking responsibility for their feelings. You can say
I can understand why you're angry, or I can see
why you're hurt, that doesn't change that. I that doesn't
(40:54):
change the fact that I want to end this relationship.
Speaker 1 (41:00):
I have a question for you what you do and
those what would you recommend in those situations? And you
probably know exactly what I'm talking about. Where the person
is like, so you're just gonna hurt me like this,
Like they ask those types of questions where it's like
you you.
Speaker 3 (41:12):
Are damned if you do, damned if you don't, where
it's like, oh, so you just give you this to me,
Uh huh.
Speaker 2 (41:17):
You hold farm in that bound in your boundaries, and
you hold farm in your decision, and you say, I
am very clear that this relationship needs to end. I
can understand that you're hurt. That doesn't change that this
relationship needs to end. And you keep you become the
(41:38):
broken record. I am clear that this relationship needs to end,
and so you that, and that's holding that boundary right,
and that's being clear that you don't have to fix
their feeling. That they are allowed to feel whatever it
is that they're feeling, but you aren't responsible for fixed
(42:00):
their feeling. So then that takes us to our last tip,
make a clean break. Don't drag it out. So I
know team you mentioned before of ending it. Maybe they
give a stob story, or maybe they say I'm gonna
(42:21):
fix I'm gonna change X y Z behaviors or whatever
that thing is. Maybe they offer you some good staff.
Whatever that thing is that pulls you back in, you
find yourself in this cycle. So one way to prevent
that from happening is to just be very clear, and
(42:46):
this is it. This is done, no more, that's it,
that's all. There's no room for let's revisit this in
two weeks, three months. There's no revisiting because if you've
gotten to number six, where you're making a clean break,
(43:07):
that means that you have already done step one and
have reflected on why this relationship meets in. That's why
we have you start with that, because if you are
very clear on your why, there is no need to
drag it out. You can end it right there. And lady,
(43:33):
if you are going through a separation or divorce like
that's this is that point where you make it clear.
You all can discuss what the next steps need to be.
But the thing that you were clear on is that
this relationship is ending.
Speaker 1 (43:52):
Yeah, and you know, so, don we talked about something
before we hit record, and I just wanted to circle
back to it, and I find that one thing that
I'm doing now and I done slowed down with the dating.
I'm focused right now. But one thing I've done is
when I see red flag, you're funny, but I see
red flags. Y'all got to watch the video to see
(44:14):
our facial expressions. Okay, so go to Patreon and watch
the video of the episode. But when I see red flags,
now my body gives me a sign. I end shit quick.
And I used to just like, oh, well, let me
see what's going to happen. So recently, I've talked about
this in a previous episode. I had a two nightstand
and I could not put my finger on what it
was about the guy that I started talking to.
Speaker 3 (44:35):
But I was just like, I'm not feeling it.
Speaker 1 (44:37):
So I literally just text them and send them the
off boarding text, which now, Lady Domina are about to
go record the after show, and what we're going to
do is we're going to do give you a few
tips about five tips on what not to do in
these breakup situations. We're going to share some templates that
you can literally copy and paste to text, email, send
through the mail whatever it is your method is going
(44:59):
to be, will put those in there as well, and
then we'll also have the full soulful connection check in
so that you can really get grounded and get clear
with yourself on where you are, why you feel, how
you feel, and be empowered to make the right decisions.
So make sure you head on over to her Space
podcast dot com and you can get access to all
these goodies in addition to our bonuses and other after
(45:20):
shows and the video content. If you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed,
or unsure of your next steps, this is for you. Hey, lady,
is Tea here and I just want to invite you
to my free goal map like a pro coaching workshop,
where I'll share the five proven steps to get unstuck
and achieve your goals. Whether you're feeling overwhelmed by all
(45:41):
your ideas, juggling scattered ideas, or maybe you just need
confidence to start, this workshop will give you the clarity,
tools and the motivation to take back control.
Speaker 3 (45:52):
Reserve your spot.
Speaker 1 (45:53):
For free by visiting her spacepodcast dot com and clicking
on the goal map like a pro webinar, Lady, don't
miss this chance to build a road map that fits
your life and set you up for success.
Speaker 3 (46:05):
I hope to see you there.
Speaker 2 (46:08):
Thanks for tuning into Cultivating her Space. Remember that while
this podcast is all about healing, empowerment, and resilience, it's
not a substitute for therapy. If you or someone you
know needs support, check out resources like Therapy for Black
Girls or Psychology Today. If you love today's episode, do
(46:30):
us a favor and share it with a friend who
needs some inspiration, or leave us a quick five star review.
Your support means the world to us and helps keep
this space thriving.
Speaker 1 (46:42):
And before we meet again, repeat after me. My actions
are aligned with purpose leading to continuous transformation. Keep thriving, lady,
and tune in next Friday for more inspiration from Cultivating
her Space. In the meantime, be sure to connect with
us on Instagram at her Space Podcast
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