July 4, 2025 • 43 mins
Hey lady! Can you feel the transformation in the air? It’s all around us and the energy is electric, which is why Dr. Dom and Terri stop by this week with thoughts on the ways you can strengthen your inner resources and stop apologizing for things you don’t have any business apologizing for thusly transforming yourself from someone who shrinks to someone who shines. We know many of you are like us, recovering people pleasers feeling your way through life as whole, embodied people. That’s why Terri and Dr. Dom want you to feel more comfortable taking up more space and not feel a way about it.
The dynamic duo offer seven scenarios where it’s ok to stand on business and not apologize in this week’s episode and talk through their strategies for building the muscle to be resolute in your position. But, the gems don’t stop there. Join us in Patreon (link below) and get the details on the alternatives you can say instead of saying sorry. Lady, you’re building a toolkit that’ll help you rise from someone who goes along to get along to being in the driver’s seat of her life with style, grace and class. Drop us a comment in the Aftershow and let us know any additional tips you would add to the list!
Quote of the Day:
“We must remember that an apology isn’t an apology unless it’s meaningful.”
– Unknown
Goal Map Like a Pro Workbook
Cultivating H.E.R. Space Sanctuary
Resources:
Dr. Dom’s Therapy Practice
Branding with Terri
Melanin and Mental Health
Therapy for Black Girls
Psychology Today
Therapy for QPOC
Where to find us:
Twitter: @HERspacepodcast
Instagram: @herspacepodcast
Facebook: @herspacepodcast
Website: cultivatingherspace.com
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/cultivating-h-e-r-space-uplifting-conversations-for-the-black-woman--5470036/support.
The dynamic duo offer seven scenarios where it’s ok to stand on business and not apologize in this week’s episode and talk through their strategies for building the muscle to be resolute in your position. But, the gems don’t stop there. Join us in Patreon (link below) and get the details on the alternatives you can say instead of saying sorry. Lady, you’re building a toolkit that’ll help you rise from someone who goes along to get along to being in the driver’s seat of her life with style, grace and class. Drop us a comment in the Aftershow and let us know any additional tips you would add to the list!
Quote of the Day:
“We must remember that an apology isn’t an apology unless it’s meaningful.”
– Unknown
Goal Map Like a Pro Workbook
Cultivating H.E.R. Space Sanctuary
Resources:
Dr. Dom’s Therapy Practice
Branding with Terri
Melanin and Mental Health
Therapy for Black Girls
Psychology Today
Therapy for QPOC
Where to find us:
Twitter: @HERspacepodcast
Instagram: @herspacepodcast
Facebook: @herspacepodcast
Website: cultivatingherspace.com
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/cultivating-h-e-r-space-uplifting-conversations-for-the-black-woman--5470036/support.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space and a
lot of times, being yourself will challenge people who benefit
from conformity, and that's okay. It will make people uncomfortable,
and that's okay. I think it's about us being comfortable
in their discomfort. As long as we're being true to ourselves.
I think that's really important as well.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Hey, lady, have you ever felt like the world just
doesn't get you? Well, we do.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
Welcome to Cultivating her Space, the podcast dedicated to uplifting
and empowering women like you.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
We're your hosts, doctor Dominique Grussard and educator and psychologists.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
And Terry Lomax, a techy and transformational speaker.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Join us every week for authentic conversations about everything from
fibroids to fake friends as we create space for black
women to just be.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
Before we dive in, make sure you hit that follow
button and leave us a quick five star review. Lady.
We are black founded and black owned, and your support
will help us reach even more women like you.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
Now, let's get into this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.
Speaker 3 (01:17):
It's doctor dom here from the Cultivating her Space podcast.
Are you currently a resident of the State of California
in contemplating starting your therapy journey. Well, if so, please
reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com.
That's d R D O M I N I q
(01:39):
U E B R O U ss ar D dot
com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. I look
forward to hearing from.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
You our quote of the day. We must remember that
an apology isn't an apology unless it's meaningful. So I'm
gonna say that one more time again to make sure
lady that you truly heard that and that you are
letting it sink deep into you. We must remember that
(02:16):
an apology isn't an apology unless it's meaningful. A right.
You know when you hear that, what comes up for you?
Thinking about our topic for today?
Speaker 1 (02:33):
Okay, I'm trying to I'm over here taking fair I'm
trying to meditate on this quote, and the first thing
that came to mind for me is something that I
believe we talked about in a previous episode, where we
talked about how an apology should a company change behavior. Yes,
and within the context of this conversation, I feel like
a true apology goes beyond just saying I'm sorry reflects
(02:55):
real understanding and ownership. But again, based on the conversation
we're having to what's the point of apologizing if it's
not authentic and if it's just like an automatic reflex.
That's kind of what this quote makes you think about.
So there's like a place for an apology. But there
are times where it's like, girl, well why are you
saying sorry? You ain't doing nothing? What about you? Dom
(03:17):
what comes up for you when you hear this quote?
Speaker 2 (03:20):
No, I like what you said about an automatic reflex, right,
And I think that like what we're talking about today,
the examples that we're going to give today are some
of them are prime examples of when we apologize out
of reflex instead of out of genuinely meaning to be sorry.
(03:42):
And I know that a lot of us have been
socialized in that way, and I think it's time that
we kind of we shift that that. For an apology
to truly carry its weight, it needs to truly be meaningful.
It needs to be I am acknowledging something that a
(04:05):
behavior that I did, that I engaged in that was harmful, offensive,
or inconvenient, and the resulting impact was somebody got hurt,
somebody was hurt, whether it's physically or their emotions, right,
(04:27):
and within that, I then need to take, like you said,
take accountability and ownership for the behavior that I did
that and the impact that it caused. Yeah, some of
the things that we're talking about today, that definition does
not apply exactly, and so we got to stop saying
(04:49):
sorry for these things.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
And Lady, before we get into this, I would say,
don correct me if I'm wrong, but I think we are.
Many of us are guilty of this. I know how
I am to This episode is as much for me
as it is for you listening. So just know that
we're having a conversation. I guess you could say we're
coming for a habit that many of us have been
conditioned to do, which is over apologizing. And we do
(05:11):
again want to make this clear that this conversation is
meant to make you just reflect on your life and
not necessarily make you feel guilty or call you out.
It's really an opportunity for us to think, huh do
I do this? Is there an opportunity for me to
tweak this? And we'll talk about some of the reasons
why and also share some alternatives to saying I'm sorry
when it's not needed. Right, So we want you to
(05:33):
pause and think about how this shows up for you
and your life, possibly your kids or people around you.
And we're just inviting you to check in with yourself
and have a little self awareness check in. I guess
you can call it okay, Yes.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
Yes, I think that's important because for us, especially as
black women, we are often in a space of shrinking ourselves,
making ourselves invisible, or engaging in behaviors to make other
people feel comfortable. And when we do that, those are
(06:10):
the things that we find ourselves automatically apologizing for, right
when it's something that it seems as if the other
person our presence is potentially making the other person comfortable.
And I get that some of that was needed for
(06:31):
previous generations for safety. Yeah, and for some of us today,
there may be some things that are still needed for
our safety. But I think the goal for us today
is for us to truly reflect on what are the
times in which we are shrinking ourselves and apologizing for
(06:55):
to make other people feel comfortable for things that don't
need an apology.
Speaker 1 (06:59):
Yeah, all right, so.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
We ready to do this because I know, ladies, I
don't know about you. Maybe you're sitting there waiting like,
all right, well, what are these examples, or maybe you've
come up with a few already in your head like automatically,
were like, oh crap, yeah, I do do that for
this thing. So let's as you're reflecting, let's dive in
(07:25):
to these seven things.
Speaker 1 (07:27):
Let's get into a dime. So the first one, this
is the one. This is one that again I'm trying
not to tell everyone else's business or getting everyone else's business,
and I'm going to take ownership from my experience. Okay,
So I'm gonna try my best not to say we
and say I. But one of the biggest areas where
I found myself apologizing unnecessarily is when I set boundaries.
(07:50):
And it's wild how often, right we feel like we
have to explain or justify or soften a no to
keep the peace. You know, this is a lot of
it may come from, like like you said, past generations,
possibly some childhood experiences, but at the end of the day,
boundaries aren't meant to be mean. They're They're there to
(08:11):
be clear and also to protect ourselves. Right, Yes, so
set boundaries. The boundaries are there for both of us.
Both parties, right, The boundaries are there to hopefully communicate
a space of love and deeper connection.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
And so for me, when I think about this, like
apologizing for having boundaries is like it's almost like saying
this thing that I'm needing isn't really worth you really
engaging with that, this thing that I'm needing does not
(09:02):
have to be a priority for you. That it might
be okay if you violate that boundary. And I already
know that that's the opposite of what we want to do,
and that's the opposite purpose that creating boundaries has. Yeah,
(09:22):
and so we telling someone setting a boundary and then
saying I'm sorry to have to ask you to do this.
Are you really sorry to have to ask them to
do this? No, you need them to do this, right, So,
like I'll give an example.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
Okay, So.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
I think the easiest example for me that comes to
mind is me prioritizing my bedtime. All right, So if
I am, let's say that I am, I've got friends over.
I was like, let me think of it that. Let
me think of a really good example that people could
(10:10):
understand and relate to, right where you all could visualize it. Yeah,
I've got friends over, and let's say my bedtime is
ten pm. It's about nine thirty, and I tell everyone, hey, y'all,
(10:32):
it's sorry to have to do this, but I need
everybody to start making their way out the door because
I have to be in bed by ten am. I
truly sorry that I'm asking the folks to leave. And
I know some of you all are listening and you're like, well, yeah,
(10:53):
I might be Are you bad right? You may feel,
you may feel a little guilty, you may be a
little sad, but are you truly sorry that you're asking
them to uphold a boundary that you have. I don't
(11:13):
know what do you think, Tee. Well, you just said
something here to made me think of a lot of
different things.
Speaker 1 (11:19):
When you said oh, when you gave the example like oh,
I'm sorry I have to go to bed at this time,
or I'm trying to think of I'm trying to think
of one for my life as well. When you say,
you know, oh, I'm sorry, I won't be able to
do this thing, whatever it might be. I think sometimes
that can signal to narcissists or manipulators to violate like
you said and make them think, you know what, there
might be an opportunity for me to push this limit.
(11:40):
She did say she's sorry, right, And so I think
that when we say I'm sorry and then we try
to put up a boundary, it can show people that
we're not serious, right. And I think that people who
benefit most from us not having boundaries are the ones
who often try to resist them most, right. So I
think it's just so important for us to make sure
that we're come from a place of power and you
(12:02):
can still be kind and set of boundary and at
the end of the day, down one of the things
I've learned in life, all these years of living right
on this earth, is that we ideally right in an
ideal world, we should be our own advocates, right like
we should be our own cheerleader, and we should be
protecting ourselves. And it's something I teach my daughter, like
(12:22):
you are your first priority, like making sure that you're okay,
and even at this age as a toddler, teaching how
it's important for us to fill our cup first, right,
make sure that you have what you need, make sure
that you have the boundaries in place so that you
can have your piece the energy that you need, and
also your mental health intact, and so I think that again,
we're all works in progress with this, even myself, But
it's just important to realize that Noah's a full sentence,
(12:45):
and it is okay for you to set boundaries, and
the people who love you and care for you, they
should be They may not like it all the time,
but they should be supportive of that. So you should
not be apologizing. We should not be apologizing for setting boundaries.
Speaker 2 (12:59):
Exactly exactly. So then that takes us to number two
m taking up space. We should not be apologizing for
taking up space. And I have several examples or for
what that could look like, right, So I one of
(13:21):
the most common examples that where we, particularly as women,
find ourselves apologizing And I say ourselves because I do
this too, and I have been working on stopping this behavior. Yeah,
is apologizing when someone else bumps into me. So let's
(13:48):
say you're in the grocery store and that frozen food.
I might get a little busy because maybe everybody's trying
to get to those that ice cream. You're standing there
putting the ice cream. You just got your favorite flavor
of ice cream. No, we're not going to debate on
(14:10):
what those are right right. We're not gonna debate it.
But your favorite flavor, you're putting it into your car
and you're making room for it. Someone is walking past
and they bump into you, and your instinct is to
(14:32):
turn around and say, oh, I'm sorry, as if it
was a problem that you were in that space in
that moment. Actually, no, unless you were legit in the
middle of the aisle and there was no room for
anyone to go around you, why are you apologizing. It's
(14:58):
up to that person, say, the person who bumped you,
to say, excuse me.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
Now, let's talk through this, let's unpack it, because if
you share that, what I'm realizing is something that you
said in the beginning is coming up for me around
saying sorry for protection based on whatever environment you grew
up in, or to keep the peace. And so I'm
as you were saying that, I'm like visualizing a boom.
I'm in the grocery store, somebody comes out, they back
their cart into me, and then you have that moment
(15:26):
where you like lock eyes with them, and I feel
like sometimes saying I'm sorry even though it wasn't you,
it's the easiest thing to kind of keep it moving.
So that there's no conflict, there's no altercation or whatever.
What would you propose someone doing that type of scenario.
That's what I'm thinking about, was like that actual instance
where it happened so fast and then you're looking at
each other and it feels like slow motion. You're just like, well,
what they're not saying? What do I say? You know
(15:47):
what I mean? What do you suppose? I feel like
my body's responding to that.
Speaker 2 (15:51):
It's you know, it's like it's getting tense, right, because
you're like, particularly if this is someone that for whatever
reason may feel like a threat, right, or it made
you made sense that this could escalate. Well, one, let's
recognize that they were the person at fault. Yeah, okay,
(16:12):
because if we're visualizing this situation, you were not in
the way they bumped you. Now I want to be clear,
let me back up. But in the event that you
were actually in the way, right, let's say that you
were taking up all the space and there was no
room for anyone to move past. Now, ideally that person
(16:39):
would have said, excuse me, I can can you move
a little bit so that I can get through, Like
they would have acknowledged that you were in the way
and asked for you to move right.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
So in that instance, yeah, okay, you can say, oh
my bad, I'm sorry and move out the way. That
that's not the instance that I'm talking about here. I'm
talking about is that person bumped into you and you
were in no way in the wrong. Because you were
not in the wrong, you do not owe that person
in apology. And so even in that moment where you're
(17:14):
feeling tense and you're feeling that urge that maybe I
need to say I'm sorry, you don't have to acknowledge them.
If they're not going to acknowledge you to apologize for
bumping into you, you don't even acknowledge their existence, and
you keep going about what you're doing. You may have
(17:38):
that split second, oh let me look up, because somebody
bumped into me, they lock eyes with you. You give
them a moment, a quick second to initiate their apology.
They're not initiating their apology. All right, We're going to
go on about our business because this isn't a situation
where I feel like I need to demand an apology.
(18:00):
But I also don't owe them one either.
Speaker 1 (18:03):
For sure, that makes sense, and I guess in my
mind I was thinking about I guess I was thinking
that we were going to say something, and it's like, Okay,
you're not gonna say I'm sorry, what do you say?
And so I'm thinking of like I was walking here,
like I'm thinking of different scenarios, but I do appreciate
the silence. It's just like, Okay, well, if you're not
gonna say sorry, I'm definitely not saying it because I
wasn't in the wrong, and so that makes sense. I'm
(18:24):
also thinking about taking up space, not just physically, but
also presents your voice off to your brilliance. And black women,
I think we can all relate to this right. So
many of us have been trained to shrink ourselves in
rooms who's been there before? Raise your hand, right, to
downplay our success raise two hands, or to not be
too much right. Because the thing is, we need to
(18:47):
remember that we deserve to take up every inch of
space that we've earned fully, boldly, end without apology. And
I think that another thing to keep in mind is
that our playing small doesn't serve anyone right except for
people who the people who don't matter, who are insecure
or intimidated by us. But what I found is even
to this days. Sometimes oftentimes many times, almost every time
(19:10):
I'm using affirmations Mantra's breath work, I'm doing the work
because sometimes those habits from back in the day, from
childhood come up where it's like, oh, don't do too much,
don't say too much, and so I have to do
the affirmations to remind myself that you belong here, it's
okay to use your voice. And when we do that,
it frees other people to do the same, gives them
permission to show up authentically, fully and boldly. And I
(19:33):
think that speaking up doesn't mean that you have to
be arrogant. It just means that you are present, you
are aware, and you have something to say and it's okay.
Speaker 2 (19:41):
Exactly exactly like it. Also, I also think about like
the physical space in terms of when we're in groups
and black women when we get together, that sisterhood is.
It's a beautiful thing to witness.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
Right.
Speaker 2 (20:02):
And if you I think about scenarios where I'm at
a restaurant and it's a group of us, that restaurant
has done what they needed to do, or hopefully they
did what they needed to do on their part to
accommodate us in that space. Right, So if they have
(20:25):
set it up, they've said, all right, women full of
black joy, party of ten in this center of the restaurant.
We don't need to apologize for having a good ass
time in the center of that restaurant. The restaurant staff
(20:46):
put us there. We deserve to be in that space
just as much as anybody else, and we don't need
to silence ourselves. We're not in church, we're not in
the library. We need to have that joyful time without
apologizing for it. To me, it's up to the restaurant
(21:09):
to kind of navigate, and I'm speaking specifically about being
in a taking up space in a restaurant. It's up
to the restaurant to kind of navigate and manage the patrons.
If you put us ten of us in the center
of the restaurant, then that means that hopefully you have
mapped out and planned your space accordingly so that you're
(21:34):
not having an overcrowding situation. And if you are, then
you come and address that as the restaurant staff.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
All right, now you talking about the restaurant making me hungry.
But we're gonna move on to number three, all right, y'all.
Number three you're ready for this one. Okay. Number three
is changing your mind. Okay, let's normalize changing our minds.
Growth means evolution, and it means you're allowed to pivot,
to outgrow, or to realize that what once fit doesn't
(22:06):
fit anymore. But I think a lot of us were
taught that changing our course makes us flaky or disloyal
or even fake. Whenever reality is, it's a sign of growth.
And I have a quick example. There was years ago
when I was in school, I was dating this guy,
and I think I talked about this on like episode
seasons back, but we were thought we were in love,
(22:28):
and was like, oh, we're going to be together. And
then I realized that he was it was not a
good fit for me, and so I changed my mind
about the relationship and he made me feel so guilty
about it, and I felt so bad. I'm like, damn,
am I a bad person because I said this one thing?
But now I feel this way about this scenario. And
one thing that Okay, y'all gonna laugh at this, but
(22:49):
one Wendy Williams. Right, many of us watched Wendy Williams
or heard on the radio or whatever, but I listened
I used to listen to her back in the day
on Power ninety nine, and one of the things she
said on her talk show and on the show was
that she would say, I'm a woman of a particular age,
and I'm allowed to change my mind. And I love
that she said that because it was just a reminder
that it is okay to change your mind. People sometimes
make it seem as though you have to be stagnant
(23:10):
or stay you know, in this career, or make this
decision to stick with it for life, when it's like, no,
we're evolving humans, you can change. What do you think
about this one?
Speaker 2 (23:18):
Don No? I agree with that. I definitely agree that
we are is our prerogative to change our mind and
we don't have to say sorry unless we truly are remorseful, right,
unless I am truly feeling regretful of making making a
(23:43):
new decision. I like what you said about standing in
your power, that it is okay for me to decide
that this morning I want to wear a green dress,
and by afternoon decide that, you know, I need to
(24:05):
take a few minutes and change into some genes because
I'm changing my itinerary for the day and I don't
need to apologize for making that change unless I'm truly
inconveniencing someone for doing so. And even then, do I
(24:30):
need to apologize for making the change or do I
acknowledge the impact that the change is having on them
I'm leaning on. I'm not apologizing for changing my mind.
I'm going to acknowledge the impact that it might have
on the person, though, because if I get into a
space of apologizing for changing my mind, then to me,
(24:54):
that signals that there is room. Like we pointed out earlier,
there is room for someone else to come in and
have some negative influence or ask me to change course,
change my mind back to the original plan. And chances are,
if you're changing your mind, there is something instinctual that
(25:21):
is leading you to do that. Listen to it. Amen,
all right, So then that takes us to number four. Lady,
we got to stop apologizing for wanting more, whether that
is more money, more love, more pleasure, more softness. Let's
(25:47):
stop apologizing for wanting more. We deserve to have our
heart's desires. And so if my heart is saying I
need more love, I need more pleasure, I don't need
to apologize for wanting more of that. It's something that
(26:08):
I'm enjoying and it's not causing harm to myself or
anyone else. I don't need to apologize for this.
Speaker 1 (26:16):
I agree, John, and I think that one and more
doesn't mean that you're ungrateful. It just means that you
know you're worth and or you just know what you want.
Speaker 2 (26:24):
Period.
Speaker 1 (26:24):
That's it. Like point blank, I know I want listen.
After we record tonight, I'm gonna go eat me some
cake and ice cream, even though I had some cake earlier,
and that's what I want. It's all good, you know.
So that's what I'm gonna do. But don a couple
of things I wanted to share with you about this.
One thing that my mom used to always say when
I was younger, and it stuck with me, was she
was like, we don't say sorry, we apologize. And I
(26:46):
think about whenever you make a statement, an affirmative statement
using eye and just the power of our words. And
when you look at the definition, I'm over here like
googling it for accuracy of sorry. One of the definitions,
in addition to feeling regret or remorse, is in a
poor or pitiful state or condition a social My mom
would say, we are not sorry. We apologize, and I
(27:09):
personally prefer to say I apologize when it you know,
something deserves an apology when I'm taking accountability when I've
made a mistake, But not in these scenarios, of course,
right because we're not apologizing anymore for things these scenarios exactly.
So just wanted to use that as well. Lady Like
language is powerful, and I think that there is something
(27:29):
that it does to your spirit, in my opinion, when
you say I'm sorry, especially in any scenario, but especially
when you haven't done anything wrong. But going back to
wanting more. Desire isn't greed. That's one thing to remember
as well, And ambition isn't a flaw. It's divine right.
We should be wanting more. And I think that some
(27:49):
of us, I know, yeah, I know, some of us
have grown up in spaces where when you want it more,
whether it was a fancy car, you wanted more money,
people judged you, or because of their limitations or limiting beliefs,
they thought you were extra too much. But look, you
can have whatever you desire. And I truly believe that
if the desire is there, then the creator has given
you the means to get that desire, So it's okay
(28:12):
to want more, and sometimes everyone around you may not
see that vision, and that's okay too.
Speaker 2 (28:17):
Yes, I agree. I'm with you on that one period.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
All Right, y'all, let's go on to the next one.
So the next one is, ooh, we should not be
apologizing for not being everything for everyone. Okay, let's just
say it again, y'all. A lot of us have won
the badge right of being everything for everybody. We do
(28:43):
not need to be apologizing because we're not doing that anymore, right,
taking care of everyone, managing everything, managing other people's emotions,
making sure no one's uncomfortable, and then apologizing when we
get overwhelmed, or apologizing when we have a breakdown. But
being able to do everything for everyone is unsustainable and
it's not our job. And so especially as black women,
(29:05):
I think it's really important for us to know that
it's not selfish to indulge in self care and to
fill our cups, even as mothers and as you know,
aunties that are taking on some of the motherly roles,
and just as caregivers in general, like we need to
be filling our cups. And I do believe that a
lot of this I'm sorry as like an automatic reflex.
(29:25):
It comes from people pleasing as well, because I know
I'm a recovering people pleaser, and I yeah, and I
think that it's rooted in possibly a fear of abandonment.
We have a therapist here, so don can let us know,
but possibly the fear of abandonment or rejection. Because when
I think about instances where I would just automatically, oh,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's like, girl, you ain't doing nothing.
Those are the moments where I'm just like, oh, let
(29:46):
me keep the peace. I don't want to upset this person.
And you know, even though I'm doing everything for everyone
and I'm tired and war out, we just don't speak
up for ourselves, right, So I think that, yeah, it's
important for us not to apologize for that, for setting
that boundaries.
Speaker 2 (30:02):
Yes, And that's where there is that overlap, right of
like you not being everything for everyone is setting a boundary,
and it is saying that I need to not take
on everything, that I need to slow down. And that's
(30:23):
not a mistake to make the decision to slow down,
to make the decision to be intentional about what you
say yes to to decide to not give until you
have nothing left to give. That is not a mistake.
(30:47):
That is exactly what you need to be doing to
You need to be setting those boundaries so that you
aren't taking on all the things and so then you
don't need to apologize for that. And to your point
earlier about the people pleasing, yes, that is the saying
(31:11):
I'm sorry. When you aren't able to take on a
task that someone is asking you to do, even though
it's outside of your area of expertise or your real
house or your capabilities and capacity, you saying you saying
that you can't do it. You saying that you're not
(31:33):
going to take it on. That's helpful for everybody involved,
and that keeps you from getting into that space of
people pleasing and people who truly care about you, who
truly have everyone's best interests. Yeah, they are not going
(31:55):
to abandon you. They are not going to end the
friendship or the relationship. And if they do, then that
is a person who did not need to be in
your life in the first place, because chances are they
may have been manipulating or maybe even abusing you in
(32:18):
some way. So we're gonna stop this apologizing when we
can't do all the things. So then that takes us
to number six, which kind of it bleeds into this one.
It's similar to this one. Is we are gonna stop
(32:39):
apologizing for saying no without an explanation. We have said
it on this episode already, We have said it in
other episodes. You have heard it in other spaces. Besides
from here, no is a complete sentence and you don't
owe anyone an explanation for why you're saying no.
Speaker 1 (33:05):
All right, Dom, we had y'all, this is behind the
scenes scoop. As we record. We had some technical difficulties.
Was it were you passing it off to me because
I couldn't hear anything? Okay, Yeah, and we're back, y'all.
We're back. So yeah, we're on number six now. So
I would just add I would just add here that
over explaining it can often come from the fear of disapproval.
(33:29):
I and I again, i feel like I'm still working
on every single one of these, and it's like it's
a daily process, right, And I just remember a time
in life I would just over explain. It provides so
much extra detail into things where it's like that motherfucker
they don't need to know all that. The answer is no.
The answer is no, I cannot go. No, you cannot
have my number. No, I'm not whatever it is right
(33:51):
and the thing is too like our piece is worth protecting,
and we can honor others while still honoring ourselves. But again,
we have to prioritize ourselves and our well being. It's
so important and so dom I think you you wrapped
up the No. Yeah, we're gonna move on to number seven.
And number seven this is all about stop apologizing for
(34:16):
just being yourself. And I know this feels like a
loaded one because I think that don my love for
us that is like, dive into this a bit deeper
because I know that, especially as a allowance as a
black woman in predominantly white spaces, when it comes to
you know, the work environment, things of that nature, one
(34:37):
of the things that I typically know, one of the
things I don't do, point blank, cleariod, point blank period,
is bring my full self to work. Oftentimes they say
bring your full self to work and things of that nature,
and that's something that I personally don't do. And I
think a lot of it has to do with just safety,
you know, like I like to be my full self
with people that I trust, people that have earned the
(34:58):
right to see different layers and aspects of me. And
so I understand the sentiment, and I appreciate the fact that, Okay,
they're saying that they're open for this. I think that
in some spaces it doesn't feel safe to be yourself,
but you don't have to apologize for being that person.
And so yeah, that's what I'll say first time, and
I'm sure you'll bring up some points I'll circle back on.
Speaker 2 (35:19):
I agree with that. I know that there are, especially
for us as black women, that going back to that
piece about not shrinking ourselves to make other people feel comfortable,
that we should not have to apologize for whatever opinion
(35:41):
we might have if we are that person who always
has something to say and it truly is making a contribution,
because I know we can all think of people who
take space just for the sake of hearing their voice.
(36:04):
That's not what I'm referring to here, Okay, So lady,
do your reflection and make sure that when you are
offering your opinion and you are making a contribution, that
it truly is from a space of being informed, being curious,
(36:27):
and not from that space of being insecure or wanting
to say something for the sake of hearing your own voice,
which I know there's not a lot of us that
do that, but I just needed to acknowledge that right
and also thinking about you know, let's say that you
are the person who loves bright colors, and you are
(36:56):
the person who comes into work, shows up for brunch,
shows up to yoga class wearing the bright yellows and
oranges and fuchias right in teals, just all these beautiful,
vibrant colors. You don't have to apologize for that. Everybody
(37:21):
else in that space could be wearing black and white
and you were there in your fuchia dress, be there
in your future dress, and don't apologize for it. It
is again, it is not a mistake. You are not
intentionally causing harm by wearing that fuchia color dress, so
(37:46):
you don't need to apologize for it.
Speaker 1 (37:49):
And that makes me think of all scenarios where I
have I'm using air quotes here of y'all where I
have overdressed and I definitely was that person. I'm like,
oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, Like I feel like
I just, you know, I want to I did too
much because everyone else is dressed down, and so as
we have this conversation we come to a close. I'm
just thinking about how important it is to be secure
(38:11):
oneself and to have a relationship with yourself and your
higher power and just be very clear on who you
are and try to get more clarity on like why
you're here, because sometimes when you're walking this journey, it
will feel lonely, like you will feel like you're like
you may be in that yoga class or at that
dinner and you may be the one that's just standing
out just because of the essence of who you are
(38:33):
and being comfortable in that when you don't have your
people around you. I think that's important, but I think
it comes from that self love, the self awareness, but
also the clarity of who you are within self. And
a lot of times being yourself will challenge people who
benefit from conformity, and that's okay. It will make people uncomfortable,
(38:54):
and that's okay. I think it's about us being comfortable
in their discomfort. We're being true to ourselves. I think
that's really important as well. And the more that we
lean into our true selves, the more aligned and peaceful
our life. Becomes and the more that we attract other
people who are on that same wavelane. So it's just
so important to be true to ourselves. And the last
thing I want to say on this particular, this last
(39:16):
one before we do a recap, is that I truly
believe that we are all called here on this earth
for a purpose and to do some type of work,
some type of learning and development here on this plane
of existence. And it would be a shame right to
leave here and not get to experience the full, just
the full range of who you are, right like your voice,
(39:37):
your presence, your brilliance. And I think one of the
things that I've been working on even at this stage
in life is being more of me and not worried
about what they're going to think or what they're going
to say, because y'all you already know this. But one
thing for sure is that we are all going to
expire at some point, and the hope is that we
(39:57):
have lived fully. Doctor Miles Monroe has a quote that
says live fully and die empty, and I love that
quote so much, and I think that this conversation can
help us to live more fully while we're here on
this earth. So let's go ahead and do our recap.
Speaker 2 (40:10):
Y'all, Yes, yes, yes, all right. So seven things that
we are going to stop apologizing for. Number one is
having boundaries, number two taking up space, number three, changing
your mind, number four wanting more, number five not being
(40:37):
everything for everyone, number six saying no without explanation, and
number seven being yourself.
Speaker 1 (40:49):
All right now, lady, mm hmmm, we're on the same page.
Was about to say, we didn't get to get to
the juicy stuff with the juicy ear stuff, right, Okay, See,
y all, this is about we co host because we
be on the same Wavelet we have these alternatives that
we wanted to share with you. So instead of saying
I'm sorry, we wanted to share what you can say
in place of that, in addition to when you can
use them. But y'all, this episode and I ran a
(41:10):
little bit longer than expected, so we're going to take
this conversation to the after show. So if you head
on over to Herspace podcast dot com and you click
anywhere you see Patreon, become a patron and support this
black owned, black founded, and black funded business and these
two black women that y'all listening to. Okay, and you
can hear the six alternatives too, I'm sorry and when
to use them so we'll catch you in the after show.
(41:33):
If you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure of your next steps,
this is for you. Hey, lady, is Tea here and
I just want to invite you to my free goal
Map Black, a pro coaching workshop where I'll share the
five proven steps to get unstuck and achieve your goals.
Whether you're feeling overwhelmed by all your ideas, juggling scattered ideas,
(41:55):
or maybe you just need confidence to start, this workshop
will give you the clarity, tools and the motivation to
take back control. Reserve your spot for free by visiting
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like a pro webinar link. Lady, don't miss this chance
to build a roadmap that fits your life and set
you up for success. I hope to see you there.
Speaker 2 (42:18):
Thanks for tuning me into cultivating her Space. Remember that
while this podcast is all about healing, empowerment, and resilience,
it's not a substitute for therapy. If you or someone
you know need support, check out resources like Therapy for
Black Girls for Psychology Today. If you love today's episode,
(42:40):
do us a favor and share it with a friend
who needs some inspiration, or leave us a quick five
star review. Your support means the world to us and
helps keep this space thriving.
Speaker 1 (42:52):
And before we meet again, repeat after me. I honor
my journey by balancing effort and rest to achieve my goals.
Keep thriving, Lady, and tune in next Friday for more
inspiration from cultivating her Space. In the meantime, be sure
to connect with us on Instagram at her Space Podcast.
On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space and a
lot of times, being yourself will challenge people who benefit
from conformity, and that's okay. It will make people uncomfortable,
and that's okay. I think it's about us being comfortable
in their discomfort. As long as we're being true to ourselves.
I think that's really important as well.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Hey, lady, have you ever felt like the world just
doesn't get you? Well, we do.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
Welcome to Cultivating her Space, the podcast dedicated to uplifting
and empowering women like you.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
We're your hosts, doctor Dominique Grussard and educator and psychologists.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
And Terry Lomax, a techy and transformational speaker.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Join us every week for authentic conversations about everything from
fibroids to fake friends as we create space for black
women to just be.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
Before we dive in, make sure you hit that follow
button and leave us a quick five star review. Lady.
We are black founded and black owned, and your support
will help us reach even more women like you.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
Now, let's get into this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.
Speaker 3 (01:17):
It's doctor dom here from the Cultivating her Space podcast.
Are you currently a resident of the State of California
in contemplating starting your therapy journey. Well, if so, please
reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com.
That's d R D O M I N I q
(01:39):
U E B R O U ss ar D dot
com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. I look
forward to hearing from.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
You our quote of the day. We must remember that
an apology isn't an apology unless it's meaningful. So I'm
gonna say that one more time again to make sure
lady that you truly heard that and that you are
letting it sink deep into you. We must remember that
(02:16):
an apology isn't an apology unless it's meaningful. A right.
You know when you hear that, what comes up for you?
Thinking about our topic for today?
Speaker 1 (02:33):
Okay, I'm trying to I'm over here taking fair I'm
trying to meditate on this quote, and the first thing
that came to mind for me is something that I
believe we talked about in a previous episode, where we
talked about how an apology should a company change behavior. Yes,
and within the context of this conversation, I feel like
a true apology goes beyond just saying I'm sorry reflects
(02:55):
real understanding and ownership. But again, based on the conversation
we're having to what's the point of apologizing if it's
not authentic and if it's just like an automatic reflex.
That's kind of what this quote makes you think about.
So there's like a place for an apology. But there
are times where it's like, girl, well why are you
saying sorry? You ain't doing nothing? What about you? Dom
(03:17):
what comes up for you when you hear this quote?
Speaker 2 (03:20):
No, I like what you said about an automatic reflex, right,
And I think that like what we're talking about today,
the examples that we're going to give today are some
of them are prime examples of when we apologize out
of reflex instead of out of genuinely meaning to be sorry.
(03:42):
And I know that a lot of us have been
socialized in that way, and I think it's time that
we kind of we shift that that. For an apology
to truly carry its weight, it needs to truly be meaningful.
It needs to be I am acknowledging something that a
(04:05):
behavior that I did, that I engaged in that was harmful, offensive,
or inconvenient, and the resulting impact was somebody got hurt,
somebody was hurt, whether it's physically or their emotions, right,
(04:27):
and within that, I then need to take, like you said,
take accountability and ownership for the behavior that I did
that and the impact that it caused. Yeah, some of
the things that we're talking about today, that definition does
not apply exactly, and so we got to stop saying
(04:49):
sorry for these things.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
And Lady, before we get into this, I would say,
don correct me if I'm wrong, but I think we are.
Many of us are guilty of this. I know how
I am to This episode is as much for me
as it is for you listening. So just know that
we're having a conversation. I guess you could say we're
coming for a habit that many of us have been
conditioned to do, which is over apologizing. And we do
(05:11):
again want to make this clear that this conversation is
meant to make you just reflect on your life and
not necessarily make you feel guilty or call you out.
It's really an opportunity for us to think, huh do
I do this? Is there an opportunity for me to
tweak this? And we'll talk about some of the reasons
why and also share some alternatives to saying I'm sorry
when it's not needed. Right, So we want you to
(05:33):
pause and think about how this shows up for you
and your life, possibly your kids or people around you.
And we're just inviting you to check in with yourself
and have a little self awareness check in. I guess
you can call it okay, Yes.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
Yes, I think that's important because for us, especially as
black women, we are often in a space of shrinking ourselves,
making ourselves invisible, or engaging in behaviors to make other
people feel comfortable. And when we do that, those are
(06:10):
the things that we find ourselves automatically apologizing for, right
when it's something that it seems as if the other
person our presence is potentially making the other person comfortable.
And I get that some of that was needed for
(06:31):
previous generations for safety. Yeah, and for some of us today,
there may be some things that are still needed for
our safety. But I think the goal for us today
is for us to truly reflect on what are the
times in which we are shrinking ourselves and apologizing for
(06:55):
to make other people feel comfortable for things that don't
need an apology.
Speaker 1 (06:59):
Yeah, all right, so.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
We ready to do this because I know, ladies, I
don't know about you. Maybe you're sitting there waiting like,
all right, well, what are these examples, or maybe you've
come up with a few already in your head like automatically,
were like, oh crap, yeah, I do do that for
this thing. So let's as you're reflecting, let's dive in
(07:25):
to these seven things.
Speaker 1 (07:27):
Let's get into a dime. So the first one, this
is the one. This is one that again I'm trying
not to tell everyone else's business or getting everyone else's business,
and I'm going to take ownership from my experience. Okay,
So I'm gonna try my best not to say we
and say I. But one of the biggest areas where
I found myself apologizing unnecessarily is when I set boundaries.
(07:50):
And it's wild how often, right we feel like we
have to explain or justify or soften a no to
keep the peace. You know, this is a lot of
it may come from, like like you said, past generations,
possibly some childhood experiences, but at the end of the day,
boundaries aren't meant to be mean. They're They're there to
(08:11):
be clear and also to protect ourselves. Right, Yes, so
set boundaries. The boundaries are there for both of us.
Both parties, right, The boundaries are there to hopefully communicate
a space of love and deeper connection.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
And so for me, when I think about this, like
apologizing for having boundaries is like it's almost like saying
this thing that I'm needing isn't really worth you really
engaging with that, this thing that I'm needing does not
(09:02):
have to be a priority for you. That it might
be okay if you violate that boundary. And I already
know that that's the opposite of what we want to do,
and that's the opposite purpose that creating boundaries has. Yeah,
(09:22):
and so we telling someone setting a boundary and then
saying I'm sorry to have to ask you to do this.
Are you really sorry to have to ask them to
do this? No, you need them to do this, right, So,
like I'll give an example.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
Okay, So.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
I think the easiest example for me that comes to
mind is me prioritizing my bedtime. All right, So if
I am, let's say that I am, I've got friends over.
I was like, let me think of it that. Let
me think of a really good example that people could
(10:10):
understand and relate to, right where you all could visualize it. Yeah,
I've got friends over, and let's say my bedtime is
ten pm. It's about nine thirty, and I tell everyone, hey, y'all,
(10:32):
it's sorry to have to do this, but I need
everybody to start making their way out the door because
I have to be in bed by ten am. I
truly sorry that I'm asking the folks to leave. And
I know some of you all are listening and you're like, well, yeah,
(10:53):
I might be Are you bad right? You may feel,
you may feel a little guilty, you may be a
little sad, but are you truly sorry that you're asking
them to uphold a boundary that you have. I don't
(11:13):
know what do you think, Tee. Well, you just said
something here to made me think of a lot of
different things.
Speaker 1 (11:19):
When you said oh, when you gave the example like oh,
I'm sorry I have to go to bed at this time,
or I'm trying to think of I'm trying to think
of one for my life as well. When you say,
you know, oh, I'm sorry, I won't be able to
do this thing, whatever it might be. I think sometimes
that can signal to narcissists or manipulators to violate like
you said and make them think, you know what, there
might be an opportunity for me to push this limit.
(11:40):
She did say she's sorry, right, And so I think
that when we say I'm sorry and then we try
to put up a boundary, it can show people that
we're not serious, right. And I think that people who
benefit most from us not having boundaries are the ones
who often try to resist them most, right. So I
think it's just so important for us to make sure
that we're come from a place of power and you
(12:02):
can still be kind and set of boundary and at
the end of the day, down one of the things
I've learned in life, all these years of living right
on this earth, is that we ideally right in an
ideal world, we should be our own advocates, right like
we should be our own cheerleader, and we should be
protecting ourselves. And it's something I teach my daughter, like
(12:22):
you are your first priority, like making sure that you're okay,
and even at this age as a toddler, teaching how
it's important for us to fill our cup first, right,
make sure that you have what you need, make sure
that you have the boundaries in place so that you
can have your piece the energy that you need, and
also your mental health intact, and so I think that again,
we're all works in progress with this, even myself, But
it's just important to realize that Noah's a full sentence,
(12:45):
and it is okay for you to set boundaries, and
the people who love you and care for you, they
should be They may not like it all the time,
but they should be supportive of that. So you should
not be apologizing. We should not be apologizing for setting boundaries.
Speaker 2 (12:59):
Exactly exactly. So then that takes us to number two
m taking up space. We should not be apologizing for
taking up space. And I have several examples or for
what that could look like, right, So I one of
(13:21):
the most common examples that where we, particularly as women,
find ourselves apologizing And I say ourselves because I do
this too, and I have been working on stopping this behavior. Yeah,
is apologizing when someone else bumps into me. So let's
(13:48):
say you're in the grocery store and that frozen food.
I might get a little busy because maybe everybody's trying
to get to those that ice cream. You're standing there
putting the ice cream. You just got your favorite flavor
of ice cream. No, we're not going to debate on
(14:10):
what those are right right. We're not gonna debate it.
But your favorite flavor, you're putting it into your car
and you're making room for it. Someone is walking past
and they bump into you, and your instinct is to
(14:32):
turn around and say, oh, I'm sorry, as if it
was a problem that you were in that space in
that moment. Actually, no, unless you were legit in the
middle of the aisle and there was no room for
anyone to go around you, why are you apologizing. It's
(14:58):
up to that person, say, the person who bumped you,
to say, excuse me.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
Now, let's talk through this, let's unpack it, because if
you share that, what I'm realizing is something that you
said in the beginning is coming up for me around
saying sorry for protection based on whatever environment you grew
up in, or to keep the peace. And so I'm
as you were saying that, I'm like visualizing a boom.
I'm in the grocery store, somebody comes out, they back
their cart into me, and then you have that moment
(15:26):
where you like lock eyes with them, and I feel
like sometimes saying I'm sorry even though it wasn't you,
it's the easiest thing to kind of keep it moving.
So that there's no conflict, there's no altercation or whatever.
What would you propose someone doing that type of scenario.
That's what I'm thinking about, was like that actual instance
where it happened so fast and then you're looking at
each other and it feels like slow motion. You're just like, well,
what they're not saying? What do I say? You know
(15:47):
what I mean? What do you suppose? I feel like
my body's responding to that.
Speaker 2 (15:51):
It's you know, it's like it's getting tense, right, because
you're like, particularly if this is someone that for whatever
reason may feel like a threat, right, or it made
you made sense that this could escalate. Well, one, let's
recognize that they were the person at fault. Yeah, okay,
(16:12):
because if we're visualizing this situation, you were not in
the way they bumped you. Now I want to be clear,
let me back up. But in the event that you
were actually in the way, right, let's say that you
were taking up all the space and there was no
room for anyone to move past. Now, ideally that person
(16:39):
would have said, excuse me, I can can you move
a little bit so that I can get through, Like
they would have acknowledged that you were in the way
and asked for you to move right.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
So in that instance, yeah, okay, you can say, oh
my bad, I'm sorry and move out the way. That
that's not the instance that I'm talking about here. I'm
talking about is that person bumped into you and you
were in no way in the wrong. Because you were
not in the wrong, you do not owe that person
in apology. And so even in that moment where you're
(17:14):
feeling tense and you're feeling that urge that maybe I
need to say I'm sorry, you don't have to acknowledge them.
If they're not going to acknowledge you to apologize for
bumping into you, you don't even acknowledge their existence, and
you keep going about what you're doing. You may have
(17:38):
that split second, oh let me look up, because somebody
bumped into me, they lock eyes with you. You give
them a moment, a quick second to initiate their apology.
They're not initiating their apology. All right, We're going to
go on about our business because this isn't a situation
where I feel like I need to demand an apology.
(18:00):
But I also don't owe them one either.
Speaker 1 (18:03):
For sure, that makes sense, and I guess in my
mind I was thinking about I guess I was thinking
that we were going to say something, and it's like, Okay,
you're not gonna say I'm sorry, what do you say?
And so I'm thinking of like I was walking here,
like I'm thinking of different scenarios, but I do appreciate
the silence. It's just like, Okay, well, if you're not
gonna say sorry, I'm definitely not saying it because I
wasn't in the wrong, and so that makes sense. I'm
(18:24):
also thinking about taking up space, not just physically, but
also presents your voice off to your brilliance. And black women,
I think we can all relate to this right. So
many of us have been trained to shrink ourselves in
rooms who's been there before? Raise your hand, right, to
downplay our success raise two hands, or to not be
too much right. Because the thing is, we need to
(18:47):
remember that we deserve to take up every inch of
space that we've earned fully, boldly, end without apology. And
I think that another thing to keep in mind is
that our playing small doesn't serve anyone right except for
people who the people who don't matter, who are insecure
or intimidated by us. But what I found is even
to this days. Sometimes oftentimes many times, almost every time
(19:10):
I'm using affirmations Mantra's breath work, I'm doing the work
because sometimes those habits from back in the day, from
childhood come up where it's like, oh, don't do too much,
don't say too much, and so I have to do
the affirmations to remind myself that you belong here, it's
okay to use your voice. And when we do that,
it frees other people to do the same, gives them
permission to show up authentically, fully and boldly. And I
(19:33):
think that speaking up doesn't mean that you have to
be arrogant. It just means that you are present, you
are aware, and you have something to say and it's okay.
Speaker 2 (19:41):
Exactly exactly like it. Also, I also think about like
the physical space in terms of when we're in groups
and black women when we get together, that sisterhood is.
It's a beautiful thing to witness.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
Right.
Speaker 2 (20:02):
And if you I think about scenarios where I'm at
a restaurant and it's a group of us, that restaurant
has done what they needed to do, or hopefully they
did what they needed to do on their part to
accommodate us in that space. Right, So if they have
(20:25):
set it up, they've said, all right, women full of
black joy, party of ten in this center of the restaurant.
We don't need to apologize for having a good ass
time in the center of that restaurant. The restaurant staff
(20:46):
put us there. We deserve to be in that space
just as much as anybody else, and we don't need
to silence ourselves. We're not in church, we're not in
the library. We need to have that joyful time without
apologizing for it. To me, it's up to the restaurant
(21:09):
to kind of navigate, and I'm speaking specifically about being
in a taking up space in a restaurant. It's up
to the restaurant to kind of navigate and manage the patrons.
If you put us ten of us in the center
of the restaurant, then that means that hopefully you have
mapped out and planned your space accordingly so that you're
(21:34):
not having an overcrowding situation. And if you are, then
you come and address that as the restaurant staff.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
All right, now you talking about the restaurant making me hungry.
But we're gonna move on to number three, all right, y'all.
Number three you're ready for this one. Okay. Number three
is changing your mind. Okay, let's normalize changing our minds.
Growth means evolution, and it means you're allowed to pivot,
to outgrow, or to realize that what once fit doesn't
(22:06):
fit anymore. But I think a lot of us were
taught that changing our course makes us flaky or disloyal
or even fake. Whenever reality is, it's a sign of growth.
And I have a quick example. There was years ago
when I was in school, I was dating this guy,
and I think I talked about this on like episode
seasons back, but we were thought we were in love,
(22:28):
and was like, oh, we're going to be together. And
then I realized that he was it was not a
good fit for me, and so I changed my mind
about the relationship and he made me feel so guilty
about it, and I felt so bad. I'm like, damn,
am I a bad person because I said this one thing?
But now I feel this way about this scenario. And
one thing that Okay, y'all gonna laugh at this, but
(22:49):
one Wendy Williams. Right, many of us watched Wendy Williams
or heard on the radio or whatever, but I listened
I used to listen to her back in the day
on Power ninety nine, and one of the things she
said on her talk show and on the show was
that she would say, I'm a woman of a particular age,
and I'm allowed to change my mind. And I love
that she said that because it was just a reminder
that it is okay to change your mind. People sometimes
make it seem as though you have to be stagnant
(23:10):
or stay you know, in this career, or make this
decision to stick with it for life, when it's like, no,
we're evolving humans, you can change. What do you think
about this one?
Speaker 2 (23:18):
Don No? I agree with that. I definitely agree that
we are is our prerogative to change our mind and
we don't have to say sorry unless we truly are remorseful, right,
unless I am truly feeling regretful of making making a
(23:43):
new decision. I like what you said about standing in
your power, that it is okay for me to decide
that this morning I want to wear a green dress,
and by afternoon decide that, you know, I need to
(24:05):
take a few minutes and change into some genes because
I'm changing my itinerary for the day and I don't
need to apologize for making that change unless I'm truly
inconveniencing someone for doing so. And even then, do I
(24:30):
need to apologize for making the change or do I
acknowledge the impact that the change is having on them
I'm leaning on. I'm not apologizing for changing my mind.
I'm going to acknowledge the impact that it might have
on the person, though, because if I get into a
space of apologizing for changing my mind, then to me,
(24:54):
that signals that there is room. Like we pointed out earlier,
there is room for someone else to come in and
have some negative influence or ask me to change course,
change my mind back to the original plan. And chances are,
if you're changing your mind, there is something instinctual that
(25:21):
is leading you to do that. Listen to it. Amen,
all right, So then that takes us to number four. Lady,
we got to stop apologizing for wanting more, whether that
is more money, more love, more pleasure, more softness. Let's
(25:47):
stop apologizing for wanting more. We deserve to have our
heart's desires. And so if my heart is saying I
need more love, I need more pleasure, I don't need
to apologize for wanting more of that. It's something that
(26:08):
I'm enjoying and it's not causing harm to myself or
anyone else. I don't need to apologize for this.
Speaker 1 (26:16):
I agree, John, and I think that one and more
doesn't mean that you're ungrateful. It just means that you
know you're worth and or you just know what you want.
Speaker 2 (26:24):
Period.
Speaker 1 (26:24):
That's it. Like point blank, I know I want listen.
After we record tonight, I'm gonna go eat me some
cake and ice cream, even though I had some cake earlier,
and that's what I want. It's all good, you know.
So that's what I'm gonna do. But don a couple
of things I wanted to share with you about this.
One thing that my mom used to always say when
I was younger, and it stuck with me, was she
was like, we don't say sorry, we apologize. And I
(26:46):
think about whenever you make a statement, an affirmative statement
using eye and just the power of our words. And
when you look at the definition, I'm over here like
googling it for accuracy of sorry. One of the definitions,
in addition to feeling regret or remorse, is in a
poor or pitiful state or condition a social My mom
would say, we are not sorry. We apologize, and I
(27:09):
personally prefer to say I apologize when it you know,
something deserves an apology when I'm taking accountability when I've
made a mistake, But not in these scenarios, of course,
right because we're not apologizing anymore for things these scenarios exactly.
So just wanted to use that as well. Lady Like
language is powerful, and I think that there is something
(27:29):
that it does to your spirit, in my opinion, when
you say I'm sorry, especially in any scenario, but especially
when you haven't done anything wrong. But going back to
wanting more. Desire isn't greed. That's one thing to remember
as well, And ambition isn't a flaw. It's divine right.
We should be wanting more. And I think that some
(27:49):
of us, I know, yeah, I know, some of us
have grown up in spaces where when you want it more,
whether it was a fancy car, you wanted more money,
people judged you, or because of their limitations or limiting beliefs,
they thought you were extra too much. But look, you
can have whatever you desire. And I truly believe that
if the desire is there, then the creator has given
you the means to get that desire, So it's okay
(28:12):
to want more, and sometimes everyone around you may not
see that vision, and that's okay too.
Speaker 2 (28:17):
Yes, I agree. I'm with you on that one period.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
All Right, y'all, let's go on to the next one.
So the next one is, ooh, we should not be
apologizing for not being everything for everyone. Okay, let's just
say it again, y'all. A lot of us have won
the badge right of being everything for everybody. We do
(28:43):
not need to be apologizing because we're not doing that anymore, right,
taking care of everyone, managing everything, managing other people's emotions,
making sure no one's uncomfortable, and then apologizing when we
get overwhelmed, or apologizing when we have a breakdown. But
being able to do everything for everyone is unsustainable and
it's not our job. And so especially as black women,
(29:05):
I think it's really important for us to know that
it's not selfish to indulge in self care and to
fill our cups, even as mothers and as you know,
aunties that are taking on some of the motherly roles,
and just as caregivers in general, like we need to
be filling our cups. And I do believe that a
lot of this I'm sorry as like an automatic reflex.
(29:25):
It comes from people pleasing as well, because I know
I'm a recovering people pleaser, and I yeah, and I
think that it's rooted in possibly a fear of abandonment.
We have a therapist here, so don can let us know,
but possibly the fear of abandonment or rejection. Because when
I think about instances where I would just automatically, oh,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's like, girl, you ain't doing nothing.
Those are the moments where I'm just like, oh, let
(29:46):
me keep the peace. I don't want to upset this person.
And you know, even though I'm doing everything for everyone
and I'm tired and war out, we just don't speak
up for ourselves, right, So I think that, yeah, it's
important for us not to apologize for that, for setting
that boundaries.
Speaker 2 (30:02):
Yes, And that's where there is that overlap, right of
like you not being everything for everyone is setting a boundary,
and it is saying that I need to not take
on everything, that I need to slow down. And that's
(30:23):
not a mistake to make the decision to slow down,
to make the decision to be intentional about what you
say yes to to decide to not give until you
have nothing left to give. That is not a mistake.
(30:47):
That is exactly what you need to be doing to
You need to be setting those boundaries so that you
aren't taking on all the things and so then you
don't need to apologize for that. And to your point
earlier about the people pleasing, yes, that is the saying
(31:11):
I'm sorry. When you aren't able to take on a
task that someone is asking you to do, even though
it's outside of your area of expertise or your real
house or your capabilities and capacity, you saying you saying
that you can't do it. You saying that you're not
(31:33):
going to take it on. That's helpful for everybody involved,
and that keeps you from getting into that space of
people pleasing and people who truly care about you, who
truly have everyone's best interests. Yeah, they are not going
(31:55):
to abandon you. They are not going to end the
friendship or the relationship. And if they do, then that
is a person who did not need to be in
your life in the first place, because chances are they
may have been manipulating or maybe even abusing you in
(32:18):
some way. So we're gonna stop this apologizing when we
can't do all the things. So then that takes us
to number six, which kind of it bleeds into this one.
It's similar to this one. Is we are gonna stop
(32:39):
apologizing for saying no without an explanation. We have said
it on this episode already, We have said it in
other episodes. You have heard it in other spaces. Besides
from here, no is a complete sentence and you don't
owe anyone an explanation for why you're saying no.
Speaker 1 (33:05):
All right, Dom, we had y'all, this is behind the
scenes scoop. As we record. We had some technical difficulties.
Was it were you passing it off to me because
I couldn't hear anything? Okay, Yeah, and we're back, y'all.
We're back. So yeah, we're on number six now. So
I would just add I would just add here that
over explaining it can often come from the fear of disapproval.
(33:29):
I and I again, i feel like I'm still working
on every single one of these, and it's like it's
a daily process, right, And I just remember a time
in life I would just over explain. It provides so
much extra detail into things where it's like that motherfucker
they don't need to know all that. The answer is no.
The answer is no, I cannot go. No, you cannot
have my number. No, I'm not whatever it is right
(33:51):
and the thing is too like our piece is worth protecting,
and we can honor others while still honoring ourselves. But again,
we have to prioritize ourselves and our well being. It's
so important and so dom I think you you wrapped
up the No. Yeah, we're gonna move on to number seven.
And number seven this is all about stop apologizing for
(34:16):
just being yourself. And I know this feels like a
loaded one because I think that don my love for
us that is like, dive into this a bit deeper
because I know that, especially as a allowance as a
black woman in predominantly white spaces, when it comes to
you know, the work environment, things of that nature, one
(34:37):
of the things that I typically know, one of the
things I don't do, point blank, cleariod, point blank period,
is bring my full self to work. Oftentimes they say
bring your full self to work and things of that nature,
and that's something that I personally don't do. And I
think a lot of it has to do with just safety,
you know, like I like to be my full self
with people that I trust, people that have earned the
(34:58):
right to see different layers and aspects of me. And
so I understand the sentiment, and I appreciate the fact that, Okay,
they're saying that they're open for this. I think that
in some spaces it doesn't feel safe to be yourself,
but you don't have to apologize for being that person.
And so yeah, that's what I'll say first time, and
I'm sure you'll bring up some points I'll circle back on.
Speaker 2 (35:19):
I agree with that. I know that there are, especially
for us as black women, that going back to that
piece about not shrinking ourselves to make other people feel comfortable,
that we should not have to apologize for whatever opinion
(35:41):
we might have if we are that person who always
has something to say and it truly is making a contribution,
because I know we can all think of people who
take space just for the sake of hearing their voice.
(36:04):
That's not what I'm referring to here, Okay, So lady,
do your reflection and make sure that when you are
offering your opinion and you are making a contribution, that
it truly is from a space of being informed, being curious,
(36:27):
and not from that space of being insecure or wanting
to say something for the sake of hearing your own voice,
which I know there's not a lot of us that
do that, but I just needed to acknowledge that right
and also thinking about you know, let's say that you
are the person who loves bright colors, and you are
(36:56):
the person who comes into work, shows up for brunch,
shows up to yoga class wearing the bright yellows and
oranges and fuchias right in teals, just all these beautiful,
vibrant colors. You don't have to apologize for that. Everybody
(37:21):
else in that space could be wearing black and white
and you were there in your fuchia dress, be there
in your future dress, and don't apologize for it. It
is again, it is not a mistake. You are not
intentionally causing harm by wearing that fuchia color dress, so
(37:46):
you don't need to apologize for it.
Speaker 1 (37:49):
And that makes me think of all scenarios where I
have I'm using air quotes here of y'all where I
have overdressed and I definitely was that person. I'm like,
oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, Like I feel like
I just, you know, I want to I did too
much because everyone else is dressed down, and so as
we have this conversation we come to a close. I'm
just thinking about how important it is to be secure
(38:11):
oneself and to have a relationship with yourself and your
higher power and just be very clear on who you
are and try to get more clarity on like why
you're here, because sometimes when you're walking this journey, it
will feel lonely, like you will feel like you're like
you may be in that yoga class or at that
dinner and you may be the one that's just standing
out just because of the essence of who you are
(38:33):
and being comfortable in that when you don't have your
people around you. I think that's important, but I think
it comes from that self love, the self awareness, but
also the clarity of who you are within self. And
a lot of times being yourself will challenge people who
benefit from conformity, and that's okay. It will make people uncomfortable,
(38:54):
and that's okay. I think it's about us being comfortable
in their discomfort. We're being true to ourselves. I think
that's really important as well. And the more that we
lean into our true selves, the more aligned and peaceful
our life. Becomes and the more that we attract other
people who are on that same wavelane. So it's just
so important to be true to ourselves. And the last
thing I want to say on this particular, this last
(39:16):
one before we do a recap, is that I truly
believe that we are all called here on this earth
for a purpose and to do some type of work,
some type of learning and development here on this plane
of existence. And it would be a shame right to
leave here and not get to experience the full, just
the full range of who you are, right like your voice,
(39:37):
your presence, your brilliance. And I think one of the
things that I've been working on even at this stage
in life is being more of me and not worried
about what they're going to think or what they're going
to say, because y'all you already know this. But one
thing for sure is that we are all going to
expire at some point, and the hope is that we
(39:57):
have lived fully. Doctor Miles Monroe has a quote that
says live fully and die empty, and I love that
quote so much, and I think that this conversation can
help us to live more fully while we're here on
this earth. So let's go ahead and do our recap.
Speaker 2 (40:10):
Y'all, Yes, yes, yes, all right. So seven things that
we are going to stop apologizing for. Number one is
having boundaries, number two taking up space, number three, changing
your mind, number four wanting more, number five not being
(40:37):
everything for everyone, number six saying no without explanation, and
number seven being yourself.
Speaker 1 (40:49):
All right now, lady, mm hmmm, we're on the same page.
Was about to say, we didn't get to get to
the juicy stuff with the juicy ear stuff, right, Okay, See,
y all, this is about we co host because we
be on the same Wavelet we have these alternatives that
we wanted to share with you. So instead of saying
I'm sorry, we wanted to share what you can say
in place of that, in addition to when you can
use them. But y'all, this episode and I ran a
(41:10):
little bit longer than expected, so we're going to take
this conversation to the after show. So if you head
on over to Herspace podcast dot com and you click
anywhere you see Patreon, become a patron and support this
black owned, black founded, and black funded business and these
two black women that y'all listening to. Okay, and you
can hear the six alternatives too, I'm sorry and when
to use them so we'll catch you in the after show.
(41:33):
If you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure of your next steps,
this is for you. Hey, lady, is Tea here and
I just want to invite you to my free goal
Map Black, a pro coaching workshop where I'll share the
five proven steps to get unstuck and achieve your goals.
Whether you're feeling overwhelmed by all your ideas, juggling scattered ideas,
(41:55):
or maybe you just need confidence to start, this workshop
will give you the clarity, tools and the motivation to
take back control. Reserve your spot for free by visiting
her spacepodcast dot com and clicking on the goal map
like a pro webinar link. Lady, don't miss this chance
to build a roadmap that fits your life and set
you up for success. I hope to see you there.
Speaker 2 (42:18):
Thanks for tuning me into cultivating her Space. Remember that
while this podcast is all about healing, empowerment, and resilience,
it's not a substitute for therapy. If you or someone
you know need support, check out resources like Therapy for
Black Girls for Psychology Today. If you love today's episode,
(42:40):
do us a favor and share it with a friend
who needs some inspiration, or leave us a quick five
star review. Your support means the world to us and
helps keep this space thriving.
Speaker 1 (42:52):
And before we meet again, repeat after me. I honor
my journey by balancing effort and rest to achieve my goals.
Keep thriving, Lady, and tune in next Friday for more
inspiration from cultivating her Space. In the meantime, be sure
to connect with us on Instagram at her Space Podcast.
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