July 11, 2025 • 54 mins
Lady! We know that not only are we living in interesting, unprecedented times but we’re also just living our regular lives and sometimes life be lifin’. Life is beautiful, abundant, and generous but it can also be raggedy, harsh, and tough. As much as we love being a part of the toolkit that helps keep you uplifted, you know that we always keep it real. That’s why this week Dr. Dom and Terri offer their grounded perspective about how to handle life when life is being a hot, ghetto mess.
Adulting is often fun and wonderful. There are days as an adult when ice cream for breakfast is a thing because you’re grown. But, for the days when the laundry is piling up, the bills are due, the internal monologue is putting you through the ringer, the deep pain within is spilling out, you’re sick, or you’re just tired it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and like you’re getting it all wrong.
Fear not, Terri and Dr. Dom offer ten truth bombs to help you keep everything in perspective as you get up and figure it out – like you always do! Adulting is often described as a series of responsibilities and actions that one takes to be a functioning member of society. But, this week Dr. Dom and Terri remind you that often adulting is finding the tools to complete those mundane tasks to satisfaction when life doesn’t feel good.
So, grab your Cultivating H.E.R. Space latte mug (find it and more in the Cultivating H.E.R. Space shop), fill it with your favorite cozy beverage, and allow this episode to be the warm hug, kiss on the cheek, or pat on the back for getting through the patches when life feels hard. Lady, no matter what’s going on keep your chin up and remember that we’re rooting for you!
10 Things to Remember When Adulting Gets Ghetto
1. Crying doesn’t mean you’re losing — It means you’re releasing
2. You’re not weak — you’re carrying a lot right now
3. Just because you’re alone doesn’t mean you’re not supported
4. It’s okay to miss people who are no longer in your life
5. Your ancestors would be so proud of you
6. It’s normal to grieve the life you thought you’d have by now
7. You are always worthy of love, even when you think you're a mess
8. You’re allowed to rest, even If nothing’s done
9. Your dream isn’t too big — It’s just being built on divine timing
10. Everything is going to be okay — even if it doesn’t look like it yet
Quote of the Day:
"Adulting is realizing that you have to take charge of your life, even when it's hard."
– Unknown
Goal Map Like a Pro Workbook
Cultivating H.E.R. Space Sanctuary
Resources:
Dr. Dom’s Therapy Practice
Branding with Terri
Melanin and Mental Health
Therapy for Black Girls
Psychology Today
Therapy for QPOC
Where to find us:
Twitter: @HERspacepodcast
Instagram: @herspacepodcast
Facebook: @herspacepodcast
Website: cultivatingherspace.com
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/cultivating-h-e-r-space-uplifting-conversations-for-the-black-woman--5470036/support.
Adulting is often fun and wonderful. There are days as an adult when ice cream for breakfast is a thing because you’re grown. But, for the days when the laundry is piling up, the bills are due, the internal monologue is putting you through the ringer, the deep pain within is spilling out, you’re sick, or you’re just tired it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and like you’re getting it all wrong.
Fear not, Terri and Dr. Dom offer ten truth bombs to help you keep everything in perspective as you get up and figure it out – like you always do! Adulting is often described as a series of responsibilities and actions that one takes to be a functioning member of society. But, this week Dr. Dom and Terri remind you that often adulting is finding the tools to complete those mundane tasks to satisfaction when life doesn’t feel good.
So, grab your Cultivating H.E.R. Space latte mug (find it and more in the Cultivating H.E.R. Space shop), fill it with your favorite cozy beverage, and allow this episode to be the warm hug, kiss on the cheek, or pat on the back for getting through the patches when life feels hard. Lady, no matter what’s going on keep your chin up and remember that we’re rooting for you!
10 Things to Remember When Adulting Gets Ghetto
1. Crying doesn’t mean you’re losing — It means you’re releasing
2. You’re not weak — you’re carrying a lot right now
3. Just because you’re alone doesn’t mean you’re not supported
4. It’s okay to miss people who are no longer in your life
5. Your ancestors would be so proud of you
6. It’s normal to grieve the life you thought you’d have by now
7. You are always worthy of love, even when you think you're a mess
8. You’re allowed to rest, even If nothing’s done
9. Your dream isn’t too big — It’s just being built on divine timing
10. Everything is going to be okay — even if it doesn’t look like it yet
Quote of the Day:
"Adulting is realizing that you have to take charge of your life, even when it's hard."
– Unknown
Goal Map Like a Pro Workbook
Cultivating H.E.R. Space Sanctuary
Resources:
Dr. Dom’s Therapy Practice
Branding with Terri
Melanin and Mental Health
Therapy for Black Girls
Psychology Today
Therapy for QPOC
Where to find us:
Twitter: @HERspacepodcast
Instagram: @herspacepodcast
Facebook: @herspacepodcast
Website: cultivatingherspace.com
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/cultivating-h-e-r-space-uplifting-conversations-for-the-black-woman--5470036/support.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space, It's normal
to grieve the life you thought you'd have by now.
And I'm gonna say that again for the people in
the back. Okay, it's normal to grieve the life you
thought you'd have by now.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Hey lady, have you ever felt like the world just
doesn't get you?
Speaker 3 (00:24):
Well, we do.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
Welcome to Cultivating her Space, the podcast dedicated to uplifting
and empowering women like you.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
We're your hosts, doctor Dominique Brussard and educator and psychologists.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
And Terry Lomax, a techie and transformational speaker.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Join us every week for authentic conversations about everything from
fibroids to fake friends. As we create space for black
women to just be.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
Before we dive in, make sure you hit that follow
button and leave us a quick five star review. We
are black founded and black owned, and your support will
help us reach even more women like you.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
Now, let's get into this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
If you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure of your next steps,
this is for you. Hey, lady, is Tea here and
I just want to invite you to my free goal
map like a pro coaching workshop where I'll share the
five proven steps to get unstuck and achieve your goals.
Whether you're feeling overwhelmed by all your ideas, juggling scattered ideas,
(01:34):
or maybe you just need confidence to start, this workshop
will give you the clarity, tools and the motivation to
take back control. Reserve your spot for free by visiting
her spacepodcast dot com and clicking on the goal map
like a pro webinar link. Lady, don't miss this chance
to build a roadmap that fits your life and set
you up for success. I hope to see you.
Speaker 3 (01:55):
There, all right.
Speaker 2 (01:58):
Our quote of the day, Adulting is realizing that you
have to take charge of your life even when it's hard.
I'm gonna say that one more time for the folks
in the back to make sure you heard it and
you understood it. Adulting is realizing that you have to
take charge of your life even when it's hard. All right,
(02:21):
te you know how we do. And I saw your
facial expression as I was reading that quote. So what
comes up for you as you heard that quote of
the day?
Speaker 1 (02:34):
Girl? As I heard this quote of the day, Because
this topic is so I feel like it's so fresh
for me because of all the things that have been
going on in life. It made me roll my eyes
and I kind of want to have a little tanserment,
but like, I don't want to do all this shit,
Like I don't knew who knew that this is what
adulting was like? Yea, So remember when we were younger
(02:57):
and it's like, oh, I want to grow up. I
can't wait to be grown at the house and that
shit is hard, and it makes me think about the
adults in my life. I was recently thinking about my
parents when they were raising my siblings and I and
they were young, they were like around my age now,
and I'm like imagining that, and so I just think
that I'm happy that we're having this conversation and there's
a lot to unpack today. So that's how I'm feeling
(03:19):
about that quote, what about you Listen.
Speaker 2 (03:23):
I think about how as a child, I too had
moments where I wanted to be an adult so bad
and wanted some of the freedom that I felt came
with adulting. And I remember the adults in my life saying, na, girls,
(03:43):
enjoy childhood as much as you can for as long
as you can, because adulting is for the birds. I mean,
they didn't use the word adulting at the time because
I feel like that's a fairly new term.
Speaker 3 (03:57):
But adulting is yeh, listen, there are.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
Lots of advantages. Yeah, so I want to I want
to say, do acknowledge that right, that there are lots
of advantages and there are days when adulting truly is hard.
There are days when you're like, I wish someone would
come and do this thing for me that I know
(04:24):
I have to do right fast forward a week, a
month from now. You're glad you're able to do it,
But sometimes we need a moment to throw that little tantrum,
feel those feelings of I wish I didn't have this responsibility. Yes,
(04:46):
and that's what today is all about.
Speaker 1 (04:49):
That's right. I love the way you frame this episode
down because I think a lot of our episodes, I
would say, for the most part, I love our episodes
are very much and this is going to be positive
as well, but they are pretty uplifting, and I think
that before we get to the uplifting part, it is
important to feel all of the feelings and to be real,
(05:09):
and so it may feel like we're complaining or bitching
and moaning in the beginning, and I think that it's
okay to normalize and hold space for that because Don transparently,
you know, when we were thinking about episodes to record today,
it's often really helpful to talk about what's happening in
life or something that's kind of recent when it comes to,
(05:30):
you know, events in our lives, because it's the topic
is like the energy's there is already flowing. And Girl,
this past week, like, it was such a challenging week,
and I know you and I were texting. I was
texting you like, girl, I can't wait to catch up
with you at Essencevest and tell you about what the
fucking going on because it was so overwhelmed Don, and
I just felt I remember this week in particular, just
(05:52):
finding myself in my meditation closet, crying, feeling lonely, feeling
overwhelmed with all the things that were happening in person, life, work, personally,
I felt like shit. And I feel like it's important
for us to, even as like successful women air quotes,
to talk about those real, raw moments so that we
all know, like we're in this together. Some of us
don't have family support, we don't have the people who
(06:15):
were there raising us when we were younger, or maybe
we didn't have people raising us when we were younger.
We don't have that support, and so being able to
normalize these experiences and be like, y'all, let me tell
you what happened, and then let me tell you about
the perspectives that can help push us along. I think
that's helpful. So I like, it seems like life has
been good for you overall, don but like, can you
(06:35):
think about a recent time where you had a moment
where you were just like bruh, oh yeah.
Speaker 3 (06:41):
Yeah, yes, yes.
Speaker 2 (06:44):
I think for me, part of what it is is
that right now I'm in a space where my cup
is full, yeah, in good ways and so so typically
it's a fleeting moment of oh, yeah, gotta pay that
bill today. Damn that bill is expensive. Oh okay, ooh
(07:09):
I gotta make this tough choice? Is this the choice
I want to make? How is it going to impact
the people around me? Those are more fleeting moments, and
so I'm able to acknowledge, like you said, acknowledging the moment, like, bruh,
(07:30):
I really don't feel like doing this dealing with this thing,
you know, I really don't feel like having to do
this responsible thing right now, and I know I have
all the resources that I need to do it, so
I'm okay, right And so I think for me that's
(07:51):
where that's the space that I'm in currently, so that
those things can be in fleeting moments. I have been
in seasons in life where it feels like there is
a lot happening for me personally, for the people around
me on a global scale, like where it just feels
(08:13):
overwhelming and truly does feel like being an adult is
in the ghetto because being ghetto and ghetto in the
negative sense of the word, right.
Speaker 3 (08:25):
Like because life just is life just.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
Feels like a here's a good descriptor everything feels when
everything feels like a coster fuck, right, and it's like
can I catch a break? Is there some level of
joy that I can tap into? And I think that
everyone has those moments, those seasons in life, and so
(08:58):
and some of us unfortunately those seasons last longer, it
becomes more than a season. And I think that's part
of when it's you know, time that's happened to other resources.
But I think today kind of what we're speaking to
is those people who are having those moments or those
(09:20):
couple of days where adulting just feels pretty rough.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
Yes, yes, and yes, I love the way you frame that,
and yeah, I love it. So I guess it's time
for us to dive on in, y'all because we have Lady.
We have ten things to remember when adulting gets to ghetto,
and I guess we'd just jumped right into number one,
which is crying doesn't mean you're losing. It means you're releasing. Now.
(09:50):
I don't know about you, don but I think that
for the longest time, for me, crying has been uncomfortable.
I would say crying has been uncomfortable. I've gotten more
accustomed to. I know it is helpful for healing, but
I'm not one to usually want to cry in front
of people or in a public setting. But I do
think it's helpful and it's important for us to release
(10:10):
and cry. And so one of the things I usually
do at home when I buy myself and I feel
the urge, I let it come up. Like on the podcast,
there have been a couple of times so I felt emotional.
I was like, Okay, I'm gonna hout it back. I'm
gonna cry later because I don't want to I want
to try to control it in the moment to talk
through what we're talking through. But I do try to
find moments when I'm by myself to be able to
(10:31):
let it out and even turn either the white noise
up or turn on something loud so I can get
that all. Get it, get it out, get a good cry,
get the good ugly cry out as they call it, right,
the ugly cry. And so yeah, I think that that's
really important. Even when I was thinking about the moment
I had this week in my meditation closet. Girl, I
have a little altar in there with my ancestors, you know,
(10:53):
some pictures there, and I was found myself speaking to
my grandmother, my dad who passed away, and then my
grandfather and speaking to them and it was so therapeutic
for me. And I was like, okay, because I just
felt really like just overwhelmed and lonely, and I was like,
I really wish that I could just be like taking
care of right now, like being an adult and sometimes
so so overwhelming, especially when you are typically like the
(11:17):
strong friend or the one who has to figure out
how am I going to pay this and do this
and manage this and make this hard decision, like you
were saying, and so it just felt very overwhelming. But
talking to them and I truly believe they hear us
that helped me and getting the crying out and things
came up for me and my body and out of
my mouth that I thought I came to closure with.
(11:37):
So releasing, I think is so important.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
Yes, And I think what I appreciate about crying is,
like you said that that word the release that tears
allow us to.
Speaker 3 (11:54):
Let go of the thing that we've been holding on.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
Too.
Speaker 2 (11:59):
I think about how many times I might have had
from the ugly cry to shedding one tear, because sometimes
even that one single tear is like freedom.
Speaker 4 (12:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (12:17):
And once it's released.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
The pressure that also feels released, the room to breathe
that comes after that feels so worth it. Yeah, It's
like whatever it was that was causing those tears like
(12:41):
that prompted the tears. Once the tears are released, that
thing feels gone as well.
Speaker 3 (12:49):
And so I do.
Speaker 2 (12:51):
Yeah, I do really love that that idea, that recognizing
that crying is about releasing. Yeah, And so that takes
us to number two. You're not weak, You're carrying a
lot right now. I can't think of how many times
(13:16):
I have heard people say, you know, I must be weak,
I must be a problem. Something must be wrong with me,
because why is ABC D, E, F, and G all
happening to me right now in this moment and I
(13:38):
can't see the manage manage it. Something must be wrong
with me that I'm not managing all these things. The
reality is that no, you're not weak. You we are
not meant to carry ABC, D, E, F, and G
at the same damn time. We're We're not to do that.
(14:01):
And so if that is the case, let's acknowledge that
that is a lot. Your load is truly a lot,
and that does not make you weak.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
Yes, I would agree with that, Tom, And I also
one of the things I like to do is observe
myself when I'm going through my moment. I think before
I kind of went through phases in my journey where
there was like a toxic positivity space where I was
just like I feel something. I'm like, oh, I don't
feel that, I'm feeling wonderful. I'm so positive, and I'm like,
(14:35):
that shit don't work because that feeling, that emotion, that
shit's still my body right and it's gonna come up
at some point if I deny it. Of what I've
done now is I let myself be in a funky,
stink ass place and wallow for a bit. So what
I found myself doing when I felt the emotions this week, y'all,
it was like everything. It was like betrayal, it was rejection,
(14:57):
it was financial stress. It was just it was a
woe whiz me moment where I was just like, what
I have to be going through all this? And I
let myself feel all that and get it out. And
the good thing is in this space in life, I
have tools and I know I can tap into them.
So I did my journaling, I did my stretching. I
find that moving my body and dancing around. I had
(15:17):
to roll up a little blunt, y'all. It was one
of them days. I was like, I got to roll
me up a little something. And then one of the
things I also did down which I usually I don't
do as often, I identified, Okay, who are people in my
life that I can go to that I trust to
tell this information too, so I can release it and
get it out. So I already done the personal things
that work for me, like my voice note, my journaling,
(15:38):
I got it out, organized my thoughts in a new way.
So I was like, Okay, I want to share it
with someone else. So I have four good people I
reached out to. I have a session, not session, but
like we have time together coming up this week I
can process a bit further. And then I scheduled in
impromptu therapy session ahead of my next session cause I
was like, I told myself in the moment, I'm like,
you don't have to do this by yourself, even though
(15:59):
I'm so right, I'm so accustomed to doing things by myself.
I said, you don't have to do that. I don't
got to prove no, I'm strong. I don't got to
prove I'm strong and try to Oh, I'm gonna just
do it. I tapped into the support that I have,
and what I realized in that moment, don was I
have a lot more support than I was giving myself.
I have a lot more support than I was really
(16:20):
initially seeing. And I felt really good being able to
get that stuff out and realize I'm not weak. I'm
a human and I am caring a lot, and Lady,
that might be you right now, you know, so I
think it's important to give yourself space to wallow, build
all the emotions, to bitch and mown, screamcuse, do what
you gotta do. And then I'm always shortly after, I'm like,
(16:41):
all right, what I'm gonna do next? What is my
solution to, you know, moving pasting. I don't want to
wallow forever, right, because I think that just doesn't put
me in a good place.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
So yeah, yes, and I think that that also, that's
a perfect example for what you said. The example that
you gave is also a perfect example for our third tip, right,
our third point of just because you're alone doesn't mean
(17:10):
you're not supported, right that And that's so the example
that you gave was tapping into resources, tapping into your community, right.
But I think the important thing to acknowledge is that
sometimes we get into a space where we expect that
(17:33):
support comes in the form of people doing things for us,
and sometimes that is not what support is.
Speaker 3 (17:46):
Right.
Speaker 2 (17:47):
Sometimes support can look like you doing things for yourself. Yes,
So like you mentioned doing your voice note, doing journaling,
doing meditations, it could also look like asking the people
(18:08):
around you to give you the space that you need
to process what you're dealing with. So that could be
emotional space physical space as well.
Speaker 1 (18:22):
Right, Yes, yes, that's so good. Tom m h. Were
you going to say something else, No, you gottn't go ahead. No,
I was just gonna say that's so good, because I
literally did that. And one of the things is I
was observing myself and just watching how I'm maturing in
different areas because it's been a journey and it's a
process when it comes to the tools that we use
(18:43):
for our self care and what custom toolkit we've established
based on where we are in our life in the seasons.
But I went to someone who's in my circle and
one of the things I did was something happened, and
I told the person, I said, you know what, something happened.
I'm very frustrated right now. I need some space to
myself to like processes for a minute, and I'll come
(19:05):
back and reconvene. And I was like observing it after
I'm so proud of myself of being able to say
that so that I didn't have my stink energy rub off.
And then they had to figure out what's going on
with her. I was able to communicate that. And then
there was another time in the midst of this past
week where I shared something with someone and I said,
you know what, the best way that you can support
me in this moment is to do x y Z.
(19:26):
I wanted them to listen. I also wanted them to
offer some perspective. I didn't necessarily want advice, but I
want a perspective and if they had a similar experience.
I really wanted to be able to connect around what
I was going through, and so I found that that
was helpful and let me be th real. I also
be using chat GBT. I ain't gonna lie me and
chat GBT. I'm going through something and it's like late
(19:48):
at night and I don't have someone to go to.
I've programmed my instance of chat GBT to align with
my values. You gotta be careful with AI now these days, right,
So I programmed it to a line with my values,
and I feel like I have a good gauge on
how I take the feedback. Everything it says is in
golden right. But there's a certain like rapport or relationship
(20:09):
that I'm building with it. I know that sounds wild,
but I feel safe enough with the way that I
use it to be able to use it for those
moments when I need to vent or get something off
my chest. So I would say, like, use it with caution,
do your research off that. But that is one of
the ways that I also seek support in this phase.
Speaker 2 (20:27):
Yes, and we'll have to do a whole episode because
I have had a number of people mention that to
me recently, and so we're gonna have to do a
whole episode on chat. GPT is not your therapist. How well,
here are some smart tips for how to use it
to get the support you might need.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
Okay, So yeah, should we jump into number four?
Speaker 3 (20:52):
Yes, let's do it.
Speaker 1 (20:53):
Okay, So number four, this is a good one. Get ready, lady.
It's okay to miss people who are no longer in
your life. And I think this can mean various things
depending on where you are, who you are, and like
you know, the people who've been in your life. So
one of the ways I was thinking about this is missing,
really missing my grandma. I really just missed my grandmother
(21:15):
so much this week. And I also down my period
and that coming on too, So I was like, Okay,
that might be while I was a little emotional, but
it's still something I'm navigating right and moving through yourself,
trying to be avoidant I'm like moving through the feelings,
and so I was a bit emotional, and you know,
I would say talking to her out loud and sharing
how I was feeling and just believing that her presence
(21:36):
and energy is here and she's with me and watching
and sending signs and signals. That helped me a lot.
But tom, I was also thinking about how we can
miss people who are still alive but just are no
longer in our lives, right, And I had actually had
I had two dreams recently about two people who are
no longer in my life, but they meant a lot
(21:57):
to me and we had really great memories. And one
of the people one of the persons was my mom.
And my mom and I have been no contact for
maybe like five or six years now and it's been
the best decision for me and my mental health. But
it's still my mom. And even though we've had a
lot of negative experiences in my life, we have had
positive experiences. And so I find myself as a mother
(22:18):
now raising a daughter, I find myself missing my mom,
craving some of those those moments that we had that
were you know, of closeness and connection and just like
different experiences we've had together, and I think that it's
okay for you to miss someone reminisce and even honor
those times in those moments without reconnecting. Right, just because
(22:39):
you miss someone doesn't mean you need to reconnect. And
so the ways in which I honor that connection with
my mom. She used to wear certain perfumes when I
was younger, and I still love those sens and so
I wear some of those perfumes. There are certain things
that she taught me when I was younger that I'm
teaching my daughter, and so that's like a way for
me to honor that memory in a positive way without
reconnecting and like re traumatizing myself because my mom is
(23:02):
not well and being in connection with her right now
won't serve me. And then there are also different I
want to say, rituals that my mom and I had
that me and my daughter now have, and I'm able
to honor those memories by living that out with my daughter.
But again I want to emphasize, just because you miss
someone doesn't mean you have to re engage.
Speaker 2 (23:21):
Yes, yes, yes, yes, And I think that that is
important to note that there is room for both, right,
there is room to be clear that this person is
not not going to doesn't need to be in your life,
and to miss the good things that they brought into
(23:46):
your life, because I'm a firm believer that no person
that has come into your life has been one hundred
percent awful to you, right that there, and so there
may be things that they brought into your life from
(24:06):
a positive perspective that yes, let's be clear, sometimes all
of the negative far outweighs the positive. But as humans,
there are going to be moments where you may miss
those positive things that they brought into your life. And
(24:29):
that does not mean, like you said, one, that they need.
Speaker 3 (24:33):
To be back into your life.
Speaker 2 (24:36):
Or two that you are ever or ever okay with
any of the negative things. It's simply an acknowledgement that
those positive things were exactly what they were, positive things,
and you miss those positive things because our brains are
wired to seek out pleasure and joy. And so then
(25:02):
recognizing that it's okay to miss people who are no
longer in our lives, there are also people who truly
aren't in the physical form anymore. Right, And so number
five is your ancestors would be so proud of you.
So no matter what your beliefs are know that the
(25:27):
people who came before you, especially for us as black folks,
descendants of enslaved people here in the Americas, the things
that our ancestors went through from the previous generation to
four or five generations back, the things that our ancestors
(25:51):
went through, they would be so proud to see what
you are doing today. You're an elementary school teacher, you're
a nurse, you're a firefighter, you are a cashier at
the local grocery store, you are in the c suite,
(26:15):
whatever position you have in life right now, you get
up every day and you do the things that need
to be done. You are adulting. Your ancestors would be
so proud of you.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
Love this so much, John, And I think that even
if it's gonna this is gonna go really well with
the next point that we're gonna make. But I want
to stay focused for a minute and say that just
the fact that you are here, like you survived this far,
you survived all your bad days, right you are here
right now, and you're surviving and thriving in this very
(26:52):
challenging world that we live in. Like we live in
a world that especially with the access, the easy access
that we have to all this information sometimes very depressing.
It's like you're here, you're making it right, and so
I think that's really important to remember, Like our ancestors
would be so proud. And I'd love for you to
think about, you know, what would your grandmother say to
you right now if you had a close relationship with
(27:13):
your grandmother, Or what would the person who raised you,
the person who showed you so much love and support
and guidance when you were younger, what would they think
of you right now? Right? What generational cycles are you
actively breaking in your life right? How are you showing
up more intentionally than past generations? And just know that
there's a very profound meme or even this I think
(27:35):
it might it might even be a song or a hymn,
and it says, bitch, you doing a good job. Okay
And I just felt that, but yes, okay, but you
doing a good job. Okay, you're doing a good job.
You're doing much better than you think you are, and
we are proud of you. If no one has told
you recently, we are proud of you. And that ties
(27:59):
well into verse seven, which is, oh wait are we
on number six?
Speaker 2 (28:03):
Non?
Speaker 1 (28:03):
Am I getting number sent myself's only on the ridge.
We're on number six, number six. Listen, this is the
one right here. It's normal to grieve the life you
thought you'd have by now. And I'm gonna say that
again for the people in the back. Okay, it's normal
to grieve the life you thought you'd have by now.
I'm gonna keep it all the way A hunted. Okay.
(28:26):
I was looking at some old videos and old journal entries, right,
and I have been on you know, I had to
grow up fast based on my upbringing, and I have
been on this journey to wealth, living my purpose and
all that I would say as a teenager, but definitely
at seventeen. I literally have a video of me in
my freshman dorm of college haying my name is Terry
(28:47):
Little maxon one day, I'm gonna be rich. And maybe
it's been seventeen eighteen years and I ain't there yet. Okay.
And if somebody would have told me back then, like
girl at this age, you would have accomplished a lot
in your mid thirties, but you still won't be there.
I may have been discouraged, but what I'll say is
every step of the journey that I've experienced over the
past eighteen years on my way to my you know,
(29:10):
aspirational life. It has been for my good. It has
been filled with lessons, gems, and a lot of beauty
and some hardship, but everything has honestly made me a
better person and it's taught me life changing lessons. And
so it is important for you to think about, you know,
what version of your life did you have to let
(29:30):
go of to be where you are right now? Right?
How to grieving that dream open space for something else?
Because I think that when you can be honest with
yourself about where you thought you would be and give
yourself grace, it can free up space for the next thing. Right.
And the mantra that I always lean into is like
everything is working out for my good. And even though
(29:51):
sometimes even with the podcast, lady like Dom and I
we've been doing the podcast for what seven years now, Dom, yes, yep.
And although we've made an impact, although we've done great
things in our lives and with the podcast, it's not
where we want it to be. It's not the ultimate goal.
And it be a struggle sometimes, Okay.
Speaker 2 (30:11):
Yes, yes, it is a struggle sometimes, and I think
it's important to acknowledge that right that there are moments
when you look at the life you currently have and
despite all of the good that's there, if it is
not exactly what you had previously envisioned, there there will
(30:31):
be some grief, and that it is okay to allow
yourself to feel that grief. We don't get bogged down
by it, we don't let it deter us. But we
have to feel those feelings because, as you mentioned earlier, Terry,
if we don't allow ourselves to feel those feelings for
(30:52):
the with the authenticity that it requires, those feelings are
going to keep coming back. Yeah, and sometimes they come
back in other forms that aren't related to the original form,
and then that requires even more work.
Speaker 1 (31:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:12):
So we let ourselves feel those feelings, and I think
that leads into the next one, because oftentimes when we're
in this space of grieving what the life that we
thought we had, it leads into us defining how we
(31:37):
think about ourselves. But Terry, I know you had a
point you wanted to make before we dive into the
next one.
Speaker 1 (31:42):
Yeah, thank you, you're picking up on a body language.
I wanted to ask you, don because you and I
have had conversations and struggles and experiences behind the scenes
about number six, grieving the life you thought you'd have,
or grieving yeah, the time the timeline, and I wanted
to just kind of add a little like point a
under I need six and talk about comparison because you
(32:03):
and I, yes, you know, we've talked about this before,
and I think it'd be really insightful, lady like for
us to just pause really quick and have a conversation
about comparison, because a lot of times when you're on
your journey, especially like I've experienced this personally and professionally
in our relationship and business, you know, connection with the podcast,
you look at other people who are where you think
(32:24):
you should be, or people who haven't been doing what
you've been doing as long as you've been doing it,
or people who you know you're like their character and
energy and integrity is trying to like be a tattletale god,
but like they not even really you know what I mean.
It's easy to get into the habit of that, and
I've been there, and so I love for us to
just talk about don I'd love to hear your perspective
on how do you grapple with comparison and those phases
(32:47):
of the journey where you see someone who's in that space,
and I love to talk about that from my perspective
as well.
Speaker 3 (32:53):
Yeah, I think that.
Speaker 2 (32:55):
You know, the phrase comparison is the thief of joy
always come up for me, right, So when I find
myself in that space of comparison, I let myself acknowledge that,
right that. Okay, wait, yep, I'm doing that comparison thing again. Okay,
hold on, Let me recognize that if I stay in
(33:20):
this comparison space, then that means that I'm going to
miss out on all the good that is present.
Speaker 3 (33:29):
In my current moment in my journey, and.
Speaker 2 (33:33):
It will cause me to miss overall what my journey
is supposed to be about. And that's the key. It's
my journey. My journey is not supposed to be anyone
else's journey. And so when I find myself in that
space of comparison, I acknowledge that I'm doing it, and
(33:57):
then I move into Okay, this is not helpful for me.
Let me remind myself of the good that I have,
why my journey is what it is, and so then
once I can refocus, then I'm able to shift away
(34:18):
from that comparison space, and when I shift out of
that comparison.
Speaker 3 (34:24):
Space, I'm able to hold space for.
Speaker 2 (34:29):
Joyfully celebrating myself as well as the person or people
or things that I might have been comparing comparing myself to.
Speaker 1 (34:40):
Yeah, so what about for UTA? Those are such great points,
and I think we have some similar points there. I
think acknowledgment is so key, like don't lie, letus not
lie to ourselves. Be honest, like be real at least
with yourself, right, you don't got to tell nobody else
but be honest, acknowledge it. I like to ask myself,
like where is this coming from? And then I like
to dig in deeper and just remind myself like, you
(35:01):
don't know that person's story. You don't know what they're
doing behind the scenes. You don't know what they're going through,
you don't know what discipline they have in place that
maybe maybe I'm not doing the same things right, You
never know. I just ask myself various questions. Right. Another
thing I remind myself of is what's for me is
for me, And I don't want to step into any
(35:21):
of my gifts, any of the experiences that are for me.
I don't want to step into anything prematurely. So I'm like, God,
if you guys to make me wait until you know that,
you know that you know I'm ready, Like, make me wait.
I don't want to step into anything prematurely, and so
I remember that, and then I also don't like to
lean into gratitude. And I think about certain my experiences
(35:42):
in servant leadership positions where I was helping someone else
build something, and I'm a firm believer that what you
make happen for someone else, or the love you show
someone else, I believe that same love and support will
be shown to you. And when I'm in my good space,
like when I'm my highest self, when I'm feeling great,
I love to support people, compliment people and love on them,
(36:04):
you know, and just give that genuine support. And so
I try to shift into that energy of how can
I support that person, how can I celebrate them genuinely? Right?
So that's my perspective on that thank.
Speaker 2 (36:13):
You for this, yes, And I can call all of
that yes, yes, I think all of that is important.
Speaker 3 (36:19):
And what that also does is it leads right.
Speaker 2 (36:22):
Into number seven, right of acknowledging that you are always
worthy of love, even when you think you're a mess.
And so how that connects with with number six is
that or specifically when you're in that comparison game, it's
recognizing that typically when we're in that comparison game, it's
(36:47):
when we're feeling less than about ourselves or feeling like
there's something that we're not doing right. And when we
get in those spaces, then we often might feel like, well,
we don't deserve whatever love we're receiving, we don't deserve
whatever praise we're receiving, and we don't deserve all the
(37:11):
good things like just we don't deserve. And the reality
is that you are always, always, always, always worthy of love,
worthy of all the good things. So it may be
that today you woke up, you didn't make the breakfast
(37:36):
that you said you were going to make. You didn't
make that lunch that you said you were going to
make to take.
Speaker 3 (37:42):
With you to work.
Speaker 2 (37:44):
You have no idea what you're gonna have for dinner
because you didn't go grocery shopping the day before. Your
place looks a mess. You actually woke up kind of late,
so now you're rushing to get out the door. You
have ten things that are on your to do list,
(38:04):
half of which you probably won't get done today and
you'll have to put off till tomorrow. And even with
all of that, you are still worthy of love.
Speaker 1 (38:17):
As you are still worthy of love. And I truly
believe that that love it can start with us, right,
even if it's a process, because I remember in a
space in my journey where I was not able to
give myself the love that I desire. But I do
believe that there's so much power when we can give
ourselves the love, the compassion, the touch, all of that
(38:40):
that we desire. If we can give it to ourselves,
I think it's really powerful because it can just put
us in position to receive more of that, and it
kind of puts us in this posture letting the universe know,
like I'm available for this, right, I'm already giving it
to myself, so I'm available for this. And it makes
you feel good too, Like I think about even taking
a shower and you get out and rubbing oils in
your body and saying affirmations and loving those parts in
(39:03):
my body that I've had to, you know, give some
extra attention to because I wasn't too fond of it.
And as you think about this number. I think this
is number what number seven? Number seven? Yeah. A couple
questions you can ask yourself are what lies have I
believed about my worth on hard days so that you
can acknowledge them and then ideally try to reprogram yourself
(39:25):
right to think about what are the truths that I
want to lean into? And also think back to times
when someone loved you through chaos. Right, maybe you have
a moment in time, but you can think back to
those moments where either you were loved through it or
you got yourself through it, and kind of remind ourselves
of like, huh, I did this before, I experienced this before,
it's available to me in the future. And that takes
(39:48):
us to number eight, which I will want to say
is probably one of Diaald's favorites. Yes it is, and
if you listen to the podcast regularly you know. So
Number eight is you're allowed to rest even if nothing's done.
This is not an easy one, but we won't say
it again. Put the people in the bag. You're allowed
(40:08):
to rest even if nothing's done. And this is something
that I am still working on reminding myself that I
don't have to finish it all today. I deserve peace
and rest, and also working through not feeling lazy when
I do take a break, even though stuff needs to
get done. Literally, last night I was up vibing and
working late and I ended. Usually I like to clean
(40:31):
my whole house before I go to sleep, make sure
everything's ready for the morning. I left everything out. It
was just messy, and I was like, you know what,
it's okay. I'm going to just go ahead and go
to sleep and I'll clean it up in the morning.
And reminding myself, I have all the time I need
to get done everything that needs to get done. That's
another man trait that I like to use. And guess what.
I woke up this morning. I had two meetings that
(40:52):
were canceled. I had all the time I needed get
all that shit done. The mess was still there there.
I cleaned it up and had a great day. You
are allowed to rest like this. Life is so precious
and it's so important for us to give ourselves rest, pleasure,
time to just chill. You can sit on a couch
and watch Netflix and eat some yummy snack that you like,
(41:12):
and that's okay.
Speaker 2 (41:14):
Yes, And I think the thing also to remember is
that rest is important rest is a necessity.
Speaker 3 (41:24):
Rest is different from sleep. Oh and so you need
to sleep. Okay, we all need to sleep.
Speaker 2 (41:37):
It is a biological function that we all need. Rest
is a necessity. But rest is different from.
Speaker 3 (41:46):
Sleep, and that rest is literally you are not doing anything.
Speaker 2 (41:52):
You are awake, but you are not doing anything that
falls into the quote unquote paragraph of product. So rest is,
like you said, sitting on the couch watching Netflix and
having a yummy snack. Rest is sitting on your patio
(42:18):
having a cup of tea, watching whatever's passing by in
front of you. Right.
Speaker 3 (42:27):
Rest is.
Speaker 2 (42:30):
Laying in bed in extra ten minutes in the morning
thinking about nothing. Rest is something that we all need.
And it again, like you pointed out, it does not
mean you're being lazy. And I think in this capitalist,
(42:56):
pro productivity society that we live in, the majority of
us have been conditioned to believe that if we are sitting.
Speaker 3 (43:07):
Down doing nothing, we're being lazy.
Speaker 2 (43:10):
Now, I'm not saying that you need to spend twenty
days in a row doing absolutely nothing when there are
things that need to get done.
Speaker 3 (43:22):
I'm not saying that.
Speaker 2 (43:24):
What I'm saying is that we need rest to reset ourselves,
not to be productive, but to be brought back to equilibrium.
That because of the way a lot of us have
been socialized in programmed and the way that we typically engage,
(43:46):
we end up in a space of rest. When that's
our bodies as our body is telling us, yeah, you've
been doing a lot, slowed down, listen. Most of us
ignore that, and then we end up sick.
Speaker 1 (44:05):
Exactly, and your body's like, oh, your ass gonna sit
down now.
Speaker 3 (44:08):
And I told you to rest. You ain't listen.
Speaker 1 (44:11):
That's the words God. When your body's like, right, I told.
Speaker 2 (44:17):
You and so and so. I think that it is important,
particularly once you get that signal from your body, to
let yourself rest no matter what chaos might be happening
around you, so that you have that chance to reset.
That chaos will still be happening, so let yourself do
(44:40):
that reset. That rests to reset. And so then that
takes us to number nine. Your dream isn't too big.
Speaker 3 (44:51):
It's just being built on divine timing.
Speaker 1 (44:55):
Oh amen.
Speaker 3 (44:58):
Yes, So.
Speaker 2 (45:01):
It's your dream for a reason. You don't have to
give up on it no matter what people around you
are telling you, unless there are realistic things that are
getting in the way of that. So your dream is
(45:22):
to own a transportation company, but you don't have your
driver's license, and you are not old enough to get
your driver's license yet. Wild example, I know, but follow me.
That dream is a great dream. You just aren't old
enough to follow that step. Right if you are told
(45:48):
that you want this transportation company, and now you've met
the age requirement, but there are things from your pasts
that now absolutely prohibit you from having the driver's license
that you need to start that transportation company. Guess what,
(46:13):
While you might not be able to be the person
to own that transportation to drive the vehicles in that
transportation company, that does not mean that you cannot still
own your own transportation company. So now you may have
had a few roadblocks and a few setbacks, and there
(46:35):
may be some adjustments that you need to make to
get to that dream. But that dream is still possible.
Speaker 1 (46:47):
Yes, yes, and yes, I love that you mentioned adjustments
because listen there, the journey is usually never a straight path.
There's usually lots of twist and turns. And there's a
quote that I've had in my email signature for years.
It's just so good I can't let it go. And
you'll have to google the quote to see who says.
(47:08):
It's always Butcher's name, but the quote says, the creator
did not give you a longing to do that which
you have no ability to do. And I truly believe that,
Like I truly believe that if you have a desire
to do something in this lifetime, I believe it's possible.
And I think there are a couple of things to remember, Like,
you want to be coachable, right, you want to make
sure you're improving, you're getting feedback, you're not just doing
(47:29):
the same exact thing and realizing that it's not working.
And then you're just committed to that particular way. Know
that your method may change, but the goal doesn't necessarily
have to. So I think that when you're achieving your goal,
try to think of the why behind it, because sometimes
it's it's the why that can drive you to the purpose. Right,
So maybe you want to be wealthy, or you want
(47:50):
to like you said, dom, I think it was a
start a trucking company.
Speaker 3 (47:53):
A transportation company, a transportation.
Speaker 1 (47:55):
Company, Well, maybe think about the why behind that, because
maybe the why is really you want to be finance independent.
So maybe you realize, oh, maybe it's not the transportation company.
Maybe it's this other thing that I'm passionate about that'll
lead me to the bigger why, which is financial independence.
So just be open to different paths and know that
if you drunk it, it's possible. So don't give up. Yes, Yes,
(48:18):
And that takes us to our final reminder, number ten,
which hopefully just imagine as we are stating number ten,
just imagine a big hug, good energy surrounding you, bright
white light and just good vibes, a hug from the universe,
a hug from God. Right, whatever's going to make you
feel good. And number ten is everything is going to
(48:41):
be okay, even if it doesn't seem like it, or
even if it doesn't look like it. This is so
important to remember, I was telling Don before we started this. Sometimes,
especially when you're younger, you just need somebody that you
trust to tell you everything's gonna be okay. Yeah right.
I just think about like my grandmother. Oh my mamm
I mess her so much. She's like, baby, everything's gonna
(49:03):
be okay. You don't know how it's gonna be okay.
You may not believe it necessarily, but because that person
said it, you're like, you know, what it has to be,
like this is going to keep me going. And when
I think about this particular reminder, one of the things
that I think is so important for us to remember
is that our thoughts are not always facts. Right, just
because the thought pops into your head doesn't mean you
(49:24):
have to believe it, right. I think about so many
times I'm having to reorient and control my thoughts. Sometimes
my thoughts the critic is trying to talk about me,
and I'm like, won't play about her. No, we not,
like I have a whole conversation. We're battling in the
mind of like, this is what I'm choosing to believe.
This thought popped up, but I don't want to believe that.
It's not gonna put me in the direction I want
(49:44):
to go in. It's not giving me the energy that
I want to have. And so it's so important to
remember that, like, everything is going to be okay, even
if you don't see it. Now. My think back to
so many moments in life where I thought it was
the end, where I thought, oh my gosh, I'm not
gonna make it, and I made it and I'm still
here and looking back on it. In my personal journey,
(50:04):
everything that happened was happening for me and not to me,
And so I think it's a great reminder for us
to close the conversation like everything's going to be okay.
Speaker 2 (50:14):
Yes, I mean, I can't stop saying it as you
were saying it, and I'm saying it in my mind
of like, yes, this is all. This is a good
gentle mantra and reminder of everything is going to be
oh okay. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but truly
(50:39):
eventually everything is going to be okay. All right, ladies,
So we know, like we said at the top of
the episode, adulting can be a true clusterfuck at times,
and so here are our ten reminders one more time
(51:00):
to help you get through when adulting is looking pretty rough.
Number one, crying doesn't mean you're losing. It means you're releasing.
Number two, you're not weak. You're carrying a lot right now.
(51:21):
Number three. Just because you're alone doesn't mean you're not supported.
Number four, it's okay to miss people who are no
longer in your life.
Speaker 3 (51:36):
Number five.
Speaker 2 (51:38):
Your ancestors would be so proud of you. Number six,
it's normal to grieve the life you thought you'd have
By now. Number seven, you are always worthy of love,
even when you think you're a mess. Number eight, you're
(51:59):
a lie out to rest even if nothing's done. Number nine,
your dream isn't too big, it's just being built on
divine timing. And number ten, everything is going to be okay,
even if it doesn't look like it yet.
Speaker 1 (52:21):
It was such a beautiful recap. Dom and Lady Dom
and I are going to go record the after show
where we talk more about behind the scenes stuff, a
little bit of stuff from the episode process the content
we cover. So join us. Visit Herspace podcast dot com,
click anywhere you see Patreon. Support this black owned, black
founded and this business run by us two black women. Okay,
(52:42):
y'all come support us. We'd love to see you over there,
and that way you can see the video of the
episode and get the after show content. So we'll see
you there.
Speaker 4 (52:50):
Lady, it's doctor Dom here from the Cultivating her Space podcast.
Are you currently a resident of the state of California
and Tomson starting your therapy journey? Well, if so, please
reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com.
That's d R D O M I N I q
(53:13):
U E B R O u ss ar d dot
com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. I look
forward to hearing from you. Thanks for tuning into Cultivating
her Space. Remember that while this podcast is all about healing, empowerment,
(53:34):
and resilience, it's not a substitute for therapy. If you
are someone you know needs support, check out resources like
Therapy for Black Girls or Psychology Today. If you love
today's episode, do us a favor and share it with
a friend who needs some inspiration or leave us a
quick five star review. Your support means the world to
(53:58):
us and helps keeps this space.
Speaker 1 (54:01):
And before we meet again, repeat after me, I honor
my journey by balancing effort and rest to achieve my goals.
Keep thriving, Lady, and tune in next Friday for more
inspiration from Cultivating her Space. In the meantime, be sure
to connect with us on Instagram at her Space Podcast
On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space, It's normal
to grieve the life you thought you'd have by now.
And I'm gonna say that again for the people in
the back. Okay, it's normal to grieve the life you
thought you'd have by now.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Hey lady, have you ever felt like the world just
doesn't get you?
Speaker 3 (00:24):
Well, we do.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
Welcome to Cultivating her Space, the podcast dedicated to uplifting
and empowering women like you.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
We're your hosts, doctor Dominique Brussard and educator and psychologists.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
And Terry Lomax, a techie and transformational speaker.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Join us every week for authentic conversations about everything from
fibroids to fake friends. As we create space for black
women to just be.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
Before we dive in, make sure you hit that follow
button and leave us a quick five star review. We
are black founded and black owned, and your support will
help us reach even more women like you.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
Now, let's get into this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
If you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure of your next steps,
this is for you. Hey, lady, is Tea here and
I just want to invite you to my free goal
map like a pro coaching workshop where I'll share the
five proven steps to get unstuck and achieve your goals.
Whether you're feeling overwhelmed by all your ideas, juggling scattered ideas,
(01:34):
or maybe you just need confidence to start, this workshop
will give you the clarity, tools and the motivation to
take back control. Reserve your spot for free by visiting
her spacepodcast dot com and clicking on the goal map
like a pro webinar link. Lady, don't miss this chance
to build a roadmap that fits your life and set
you up for success. I hope to see you.
Speaker 3 (01:55):
There, all right.
Speaker 2 (01:58):
Our quote of the day, Adulting is realizing that you
have to take charge of your life even when it's hard.
I'm gonna say that one more time for the folks
in the back to make sure you heard it and
you understood it. Adulting is realizing that you have to
take charge of your life even when it's hard. All right,
(02:21):
te you know how we do. And I saw your
facial expression as I was reading that quote. So what
comes up for you as you heard that quote of
the day?
Speaker 1 (02:34):
Girl? As I heard this quote of the day, Because
this topic is so I feel like it's so fresh
for me because of all the things that have been
going on in life. It made me roll my eyes
and I kind of want to have a little tanserment,
but like, I don't want to do all this shit,
Like I don't knew who knew that this is what
adulting was like? Yea, So remember when we were younger
(02:57):
and it's like, oh, I want to grow up. I
can't wait to be grown at the house and that
shit is hard, and it makes me think about the
adults in my life. I was recently thinking about my
parents when they were raising my siblings and I and
they were young, they were like around my age now,
and I'm like imagining that, and so I just think
that I'm happy that we're having this conversation and there's
a lot to unpack today. So that's how I'm feeling
(03:19):
about that quote, what about you Listen.
Speaker 2 (03:23):
I think about how as a child, I too had
moments where I wanted to be an adult so bad
and wanted some of the freedom that I felt came
with adulting. And I remember the adults in my life saying, na, girls,
(03:43):
enjoy childhood as much as you can for as long
as you can, because adulting is for the birds. I mean,
they didn't use the word adulting at the time because
I feel like that's a fairly new term.
Speaker 3 (03:57):
But adulting is yeh, listen, there are.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
Lots of advantages. Yeah, so I want to I want
to say, do acknowledge that right, that there are lots
of advantages and there are days when adulting truly is hard.
There are days when you're like, I wish someone would
come and do this thing for me that I know
(04:24):
I have to do right fast forward a week, a
month from now. You're glad you're able to do it,
But sometimes we need a moment to throw that little tantrum,
feel those feelings of I wish I didn't have this responsibility. Yes,
(04:46):
and that's what today is all about.
Speaker 1 (04:49):
That's right. I love the way you frame this episode
down because I think a lot of our episodes, I
would say, for the most part, I love our episodes
are very much and this is going to be positive
as well, but they are pretty uplifting, and I think
that before we get to the uplifting part, it is
important to feel all of the feelings and to be real,
(05:09):
and so it may feel like we're complaining or bitching
and moaning in the beginning, and I think that it's
okay to normalize and hold space for that because Don transparently,
you know, when we were thinking about episodes to record today,
it's often really helpful to talk about what's happening in
life or something that's kind of recent when it comes to,
(05:30):
you know, events in our lives, because it's the topic
is like the energy's there is already flowing. And Girl,
this past week, like, it was such a challenging week,
and I know you and I were texting. I was
texting you like, girl, I can't wait to catch up
with you at Essencevest and tell you about what the
fucking going on because it was so overwhelmed Don, and
I just felt I remember this week in particular, just
(05:52):
finding myself in my meditation closet, crying, feeling lonely, feeling
overwhelmed with all the things that were happening in person, life, work, personally,
I felt like shit. And I feel like it's important
for us to, even as like successful women air quotes,
to talk about those real, raw moments so that we
all know, like we're in this together. Some of us
don't have family support, we don't have the people who
(06:15):
were there raising us when we were younger, or maybe
we didn't have people raising us when we were younger.
We don't have that support, and so being able to
normalize these experiences and be like, y'all, let me tell
you what happened, and then let me tell you about
the perspectives that can help push us along. I think
that's helpful. So I like, it seems like life has
been good for you overall, don but like, can you
(06:35):
think about a recent time where you had a moment
where you were just like bruh, oh yeah.
Speaker 3 (06:41):
Yeah, yes, yes.
Speaker 2 (06:44):
I think for me, part of what it is is
that right now I'm in a space where my cup
is full, yeah, in good ways and so so typically
it's a fleeting moment of oh, yeah, gotta pay that
bill today. Damn that bill is expensive. Oh okay, ooh
(07:09):
I gotta make this tough choice? Is this the choice
I want to make? How is it going to impact
the people around me? Those are more fleeting moments, and
so I'm able to acknowledge, like you said, acknowledging the moment, like, bruh,
(07:30):
I really don't feel like doing this dealing with this thing,
you know, I really don't feel like having to do
this responsible thing right now, and I know I have
all the resources that I need to do it, so
I'm okay, right And so I think for me that's
(07:51):
where that's the space that I'm in currently, so that
those things can be in fleeting moments. I have been
in seasons in life where it feels like there is
a lot happening for me personally, for the people around
me on a global scale, like where it just feels
(08:13):
overwhelming and truly does feel like being an adult is
in the ghetto because being ghetto and ghetto in the
negative sense of the word, right.
Speaker 3 (08:25):
Like because life just is life just.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
Feels like a here's a good descriptor everything feels when
everything feels like a coster fuck, right, and it's like
can I catch a break? Is there some level of
joy that I can tap into? And I think that
everyone has those moments, those seasons in life, and so
(08:58):
and some of us unfortunately those seasons last longer, it
becomes more than a season. And I think that's part
of when it's you know, time that's happened to other resources.
But I think today kind of what we're speaking to
is those people who are having those moments or those
(09:20):
couple of days where adulting just feels pretty rough.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
Yes, yes, and yes, I love the way you frame that,
and yeah, I love it. So I guess it's time
for us to dive on in, y'all because we have Lady.
We have ten things to remember when adulting gets to ghetto,
and I guess we'd just jumped right into number one,
which is crying doesn't mean you're losing. It means you're releasing. Now.
(09:50):
I don't know about you, don but I think that
for the longest time, for me, crying has been uncomfortable.
I would say crying has been uncomfortable. I've gotten more
accustomed to. I know it is helpful for healing, but
I'm not one to usually want to cry in front
of people or in a public setting. But I do
think it's helpful and it's important for us to release
(10:10):
and cry. And so one of the things I usually
do at home when I buy myself and I feel
the urge, I let it come up. Like on the podcast,
there have been a couple of times so I felt emotional.
I was like, Okay, I'm gonna hout it back. I'm
gonna cry later because I don't want to I want
to try to control it in the moment to talk
through what we're talking through. But I do try to
find moments when I'm by myself to be able to
(10:31):
let it out and even turn either the white noise
up or turn on something loud so I can get
that all. Get it, get it out, get a good cry,
get the good ugly cry out as they call it, right,
the ugly cry. And so yeah, I think that that's
really important. Even when I was thinking about the moment
I had this week in my meditation closet. Girl, I
have a little altar in there with my ancestors, you know,
(10:53):
some pictures there, and I was found myself speaking to
my grandmother, my dad who passed away, and then my
grandfather and speaking to them and it was so therapeutic
for me. And I was like, okay, because I just
felt really like just overwhelmed and lonely, and I was like,
I really wish that I could just be like taking
care of right now, like being an adult and sometimes
so so overwhelming, especially when you are typically like the
(11:17):
strong friend or the one who has to figure out
how am I going to pay this and do this
and manage this and make this hard decision, like you
were saying, and so it just felt very overwhelming. But
talking to them and I truly believe they hear us
that helped me and getting the crying out and things
came up for me and my body and out of
my mouth that I thought I came to closure with.
(11:37):
So releasing, I think is so important.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
Yes, And I think what I appreciate about crying is,
like you said that that word the release that tears
allow us to.
Speaker 3 (11:54):
Let go of the thing that we've been holding on.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
Too.
Speaker 2 (11:59):
I think about how many times I might have had
from the ugly cry to shedding one tear, because sometimes
even that one single tear is like freedom.
Speaker 4 (12:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (12:17):
And once it's released.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
The pressure that also feels released, the room to breathe
that comes after that feels so worth it. Yeah, It's
like whatever it was that was causing those tears like
(12:41):
that prompted the tears. Once the tears are released, that
thing feels gone as well.
Speaker 3 (12:49):
And so I do.
Speaker 2 (12:51):
Yeah, I do really love that that idea, that recognizing
that crying is about releasing. Yeah, And so that takes
us to number two. You're not weak, You're carrying a
lot right now. I can't think of how many times
(13:16):
I have heard people say, you know, I must be weak,
I must be a problem. Something must be wrong with me,
because why is ABC D, E, F, and G all
happening to me right now in this moment and I
(13:38):
can't see the manage manage it. Something must be wrong
with me that I'm not managing all these things. The
reality is that no, you're not weak. You we are
not meant to carry ABC, D, E, F, and G
at the same damn time. We're We're not to do that.
(14:01):
And so if that is the case, let's acknowledge that
that is a lot. Your load is truly a lot,
and that does not make you weak.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
Yes, I would agree with that, Tom, And I also
one of the things I like to do is observe
myself when I'm going through my moment. I think before
I kind of went through phases in my journey where
there was like a toxic positivity space where I was
just like I feel something. I'm like, oh, I don't
feel that, I'm feeling wonderful. I'm so positive, and I'm like,
(14:35):
that shit don't work because that feeling, that emotion, that
shit's still my body right and it's gonna come up
at some point if I deny it. Of what I've
done now is I let myself be in a funky,
stink ass place and wallow for a bit. So what
I found myself doing when I felt the emotions this week, y'all,
it was like everything. It was like betrayal, it was rejection,
(14:57):
it was financial stress. It was just it was a
woe whiz me moment where I was just like, what
I have to be going through all this? And I
let myself feel all that and get it out. And
the good thing is in this space in life, I
have tools and I know I can tap into them.
So I did my journaling, I did my stretching. I
find that moving my body and dancing around. I had
(15:17):
to roll up a little blunt, y'all. It was one
of them days. I was like, I got to roll
me up a little something. And then one of the
things I also did down which I usually I don't
do as often, I identified, Okay, who are people in my
life that I can go to that I trust to
tell this information too, so I can release it and
get it out. So I already done the personal things
that work for me, like my voice note, my journaling,
(15:38):
I got it out, organized my thoughts in a new way.
So I was like, Okay, I want to share it
with someone else. So I have four good people I
reached out to. I have a session, not session, but
like we have time together coming up this week I
can process a bit further. And then I scheduled in
impromptu therapy session ahead of my next session cause I
was like, I told myself in the moment, I'm like,
you don't have to do this by yourself, even though
(15:59):
I'm so right, I'm so accustomed to doing things by myself.
I said, you don't have to do that. I don't
got to prove no, I'm strong. I don't got to
prove I'm strong and try to Oh, I'm gonna just
do it. I tapped into the support that I have,
and what I realized in that moment, don was I
have a lot more support than I was giving myself.
I have a lot more support than I was really
(16:20):
initially seeing. And I felt really good being able to
get that stuff out and realize I'm not weak. I'm
a human and I am caring a lot, and Lady,
that might be you right now, you know, so I
think it's important to give yourself space to wallow, build
all the emotions, to bitch and mown, screamcuse, do what
you gotta do. And then I'm always shortly after, I'm like,
(16:41):
all right, what I'm gonna do next? What is my
solution to, you know, moving pasting. I don't want to
wallow forever, right, because I think that just doesn't put
me in a good place.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
So yeah, yes, and I think that that also, that's
a perfect example for what you said. The example that
you gave is also a perfect example for our third tip, right,
our third point of just because you're alone doesn't mean
(17:10):
you're not supported, right that And that's so the example
that you gave was tapping into resources, tapping into your community, right.
But I think the important thing to acknowledge is that
sometimes we get into a space where we expect that
(17:33):
support comes in the form of people doing things for us,
and sometimes that is not what support is.
Speaker 3 (17:46):
Right.
Speaker 2 (17:47):
Sometimes support can look like you doing things for yourself. Yes,
So like you mentioned doing your voice note, doing journaling,
doing meditations, it could also look like asking the people
(18:08):
around you to give you the space that you need
to process what you're dealing with. So that could be
emotional space physical space as well.
Speaker 1 (18:22):
Right, Yes, yes, that's so good. Tom m h. Were
you going to say something else, No, you gottn't go ahead. No,
I was just gonna say that's so good, because I
literally did that. And one of the things is I
was observing myself and just watching how I'm maturing in
different areas because it's been a journey and it's a
process when it comes to the tools that we use
(18:43):
for our self care and what custom toolkit we've established
based on where we are in our life in the seasons.
But I went to someone who's in my circle and
one of the things I did was something happened, and
I told the person, I said, you know what, something happened.
I'm very frustrated right now. I need some space to
myself to like processes for a minute, and I'll come
(19:05):
back and reconvene. And I was like observing it after
I'm so proud of myself of being able to say
that so that I didn't have my stink energy rub off.
And then they had to figure out what's going on
with her. I was able to communicate that. And then
there was another time in the midst of this past
week where I shared something with someone and I said,
you know what, the best way that you can support
me in this moment is to do x y Z.
(19:26):
I wanted them to listen. I also wanted them to
offer some perspective. I didn't necessarily want advice, but I
want a perspective and if they had a similar experience.
I really wanted to be able to connect around what
I was going through, and so I found that that
was helpful and let me be th real. I also
be using chat GBT. I ain't gonna lie me and
chat GBT. I'm going through something and it's like late
(19:48):
at night and I don't have someone to go to.
I've programmed my instance of chat GBT to align with
my values. You gotta be careful with AI now these days, right,
So I programmed it to a line with my values,
and I feel like I have a good gauge on
how I take the feedback. Everything it says is in
golden right. But there's a certain like rapport or relationship
(20:09):
that I'm building with it. I know that sounds wild,
but I feel safe enough with the way that I
use it to be able to use it for those
moments when I need to vent or get something off
my chest. So I would say, like, use it with caution,
do your research off that. But that is one of
the ways that I also seek support in this phase.
Speaker 2 (20:27):
Yes, and we'll have to do a whole episode because
I have had a number of people mention that to
me recently, and so we're gonna have to do a
whole episode on chat. GPT is not your therapist. How well,
here are some smart tips for how to use it
to get the support you might need.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
Okay, So yeah, should we jump into number four?
Speaker 3 (20:52):
Yes, let's do it.
Speaker 1 (20:53):
Okay, So number four, this is a good one. Get ready, lady.
It's okay to miss people who are no longer in
your life. And I think this can mean various things
depending on where you are, who you are, and like
you know, the people who've been in your life. So
one of the ways I was thinking about this is missing,
really missing my grandma. I really just missed my grandmother
(21:15):
so much this week. And I also down my period
and that coming on too, So I was like, Okay,
that might be while I was a little emotional, but
it's still something I'm navigating right and moving through yourself,
trying to be avoidant I'm like moving through the feelings,
and so I was a bit emotional, and you know,
I would say talking to her out loud and sharing
how I was feeling and just believing that her presence
(21:36):
and energy is here and she's with me and watching
and sending signs and signals. That helped me a lot.
But tom, I was also thinking about how we can
miss people who are still alive but just are no
longer in our lives, right, And I had actually had
I had two dreams recently about two people who are
no longer in my life, but they meant a lot
(21:57):
to me and we had really great memories. And one
of the people one of the persons was my mom.
And my mom and I have been no contact for
maybe like five or six years now and it's been
the best decision for me and my mental health. But
it's still my mom. And even though we've had a
lot of negative experiences in my life, we have had
positive experiences. And so I find myself as a mother
(22:18):
now raising a daughter, I find myself missing my mom,
craving some of those those moments that we had that
were you know, of closeness and connection and just like
different experiences we've had together, and I think that it's
okay for you to miss someone reminisce and even honor
those times in those moments without reconnecting. Right, just because
(22:39):
you miss someone doesn't mean you need to reconnect. And
so the ways in which I honor that connection with
my mom. She used to wear certain perfumes when I
was younger, and I still love those sens and so
I wear some of those perfumes. There are certain things
that she taught me when I was younger that I'm
teaching my daughter, and so that's like a way for
me to honor that memory in a positive way without
reconnecting and like re traumatizing myself because my mom is
(23:02):
not well and being in connection with her right now
won't serve me. And then there are also different I
want to say, rituals that my mom and I had
that me and my daughter now have, and I'm able
to honor those memories by living that out with my daughter.
But again I want to emphasize, just because you miss
someone doesn't mean you have to re engage.
Speaker 2 (23:21):
Yes, yes, yes, yes, And I think that that is
important to note that there is room for both, right,
there is room to be clear that this person is
not not going to doesn't need to be in your life,
and to miss the good things that they brought into
(23:46):
your life, because I'm a firm believer that no person
that has come into your life has been one hundred
percent awful to you, right that there, and so there
may be things that they brought into your life from
(24:06):
a positive perspective that yes, let's be clear, sometimes all
of the negative far outweighs the positive. But as humans,
there are going to be moments where you may miss
those positive things that they brought into your life. And
(24:29):
that does not mean, like you said, one, that they need.
Speaker 3 (24:33):
To be back into your life.
Speaker 2 (24:36):
Or two that you are ever or ever okay with
any of the negative things. It's simply an acknowledgement that
those positive things were exactly what they were, positive things,
and you miss those positive things because our brains are
wired to seek out pleasure and joy. And so then
(25:02):
recognizing that it's okay to miss people who are no
longer in our lives, there are also people who truly
aren't in the physical form anymore. Right, And so number
five is your ancestors would be so proud of you.
So no matter what your beliefs are know that the
(25:27):
people who came before you, especially for us as black folks,
descendants of enslaved people here in the Americas, the things
that our ancestors went through from the previous generation to
four or five generations back, the things that our ancestors
(25:51):
went through, they would be so proud to see what
you are doing today. You're an elementary school teacher, you're
a nurse, you're a firefighter, you are a cashier at
the local grocery store, you are in the c suite,
(26:15):
whatever position you have in life right now, you get
up every day and you do the things that need
to be done. You are adulting. Your ancestors would be
so proud of you.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
Love this so much, John, And I think that even
if it's gonna this is gonna go really well with
the next point that we're gonna make. But I want
to stay focused for a minute and say that just
the fact that you are here, like you survived this far,
you survived all your bad days, right you are here
right now, and you're surviving and thriving in this very
(26:52):
challenging world that we live in. Like we live in
a world that especially with the access, the easy access
that we have to all this information sometimes very depressing.
It's like you're here, you're making it right, and so
I think that's really important to remember, Like our ancestors
would be so proud. And I'd love for you to
think about, you know, what would your grandmother say to
you right now if you had a close relationship with
(27:13):
your grandmother, Or what would the person who raised you,
the person who showed you so much love and support
and guidance when you were younger, what would they think
of you right now? Right? What generational cycles are you
actively breaking in your life right? How are you showing
up more intentionally than past generations? And just know that
there's a very profound meme or even this I think
(27:35):
it might it might even be a song or a hymn,
and it says, bitch, you doing a good job. Okay
And I just felt that, but yes, okay, but you
doing a good job. Okay, you're doing a good job.
You're doing much better than you think you are, and
we are proud of you. If no one has told
you recently, we are proud of you. And that ties
(27:59):
well into verse seven, which is, oh wait are we
on number six?
Speaker 2 (28:03):
Non?
Speaker 1 (28:03):
Am I getting number sent myself's only on the ridge.
We're on number six, number six. Listen, this is the
one right here. It's normal to grieve the life you
thought you'd have by now. And I'm gonna say that
again for the people in the back. Okay, it's normal
to grieve the life you thought you'd have by now.
I'm gonna keep it all the way A hunted. Okay.
(28:26):
I was looking at some old videos and old journal entries, right,
and I have been on you know, I had to
grow up fast based on my upbringing, and I have
been on this journey to wealth, living my purpose and
all that I would say as a teenager, but definitely
at seventeen. I literally have a video of me in
my freshman dorm of college haying my name is Terry
(28:47):
Little maxon one day, I'm gonna be rich. And maybe
it's been seventeen eighteen years and I ain't there yet. Okay.
And if somebody would have told me back then, like
girl at this age, you would have accomplished a lot
in your mid thirties, but you still won't be there.
I may have been discouraged, but what I'll say is
every step of the journey that I've experienced over the
past eighteen years on my way to my you know,
(29:10):
aspirational life. It has been for my good. It has
been filled with lessons, gems, and a lot of beauty
and some hardship, but everything has honestly made me a
better person and it's taught me life changing lessons. And
so it is important for you to think about, you know,
what version of your life did you have to let
(29:30):
go of to be where you are right now? Right?
How to grieving that dream open space for something else?
Because I think that when you can be honest with
yourself about where you thought you would be and give
yourself grace, it can free up space for the next thing. Right.
And the mantra that I always lean into is like
everything is working out for my good. And even though
(29:51):
sometimes even with the podcast, lady like Dom and I
we've been doing the podcast for what seven years now, Dom, yes, yep.
And although we've made an impact, although we've done great
things in our lives and with the podcast, it's not
where we want it to be. It's not the ultimate goal.
And it be a struggle sometimes, Okay.
Speaker 2 (30:11):
Yes, yes, it is a struggle sometimes, and I think
it's important to acknowledge that right that there are moments
when you look at the life you currently have and
despite all of the good that's there, if it is
not exactly what you had previously envisioned, there there will
(30:31):
be some grief, and that it is okay to allow
yourself to feel that grief. We don't get bogged down
by it, we don't let it deter us. But we
have to feel those feelings because, as you mentioned earlier, Terry,
if we don't allow ourselves to feel those feelings for
(30:52):
the with the authenticity that it requires, those feelings are
going to keep coming back. Yeah, and sometimes they come
back in other forms that aren't related to the original form,
and then that requires even more work.
Speaker 1 (31:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:12):
So we let ourselves feel those feelings, and I think
that leads into the next one, because oftentimes when we're
in this space of grieving what the life that we
thought we had, it leads into us defining how we
(31:37):
think about ourselves. But Terry, I know you had a
point you wanted to make before we dive into the
next one.
Speaker 1 (31:42):
Yeah, thank you, you're picking up on a body language.
I wanted to ask you, don because you and I
have had conversations and struggles and experiences behind the scenes
about number six, grieving the life you thought you'd have,
or grieving yeah, the time the timeline, and I wanted
to just kind of add a little like point a
under I need six and talk about comparison because you
(32:03):
and I, yes, you know, we've talked about this before,
and I think it'd be really insightful, lady like for
us to just pause really quick and have a conversation
about comparison, because a lot of times when you're on
your journey, especially like I've experienced this personally and professionally
in our relationship and business, you know, connection with the podcast,
you look at other people who are where you think
(32:24):
you should be, or people who haven't been doing what
you've been doing as long as you've been doing it,
or people who you know you're like their character and
energy and integrity is trying to like be a tattletale god,
but like they not even really you know what I mean.
It's easy to get into the habit of that, and
I've been there, and so I love for us to
just talk about don I'd love to hear your perspective
on how do you grapple with comparison and those phases
(32:47):
of the journey where you see someone who's in that space,
and I love to talk about that from my perspective
as well.
Speaker 3 (32:53):
Yeah, I think that.
Speaker 2 (32:55):
You know, the phrase comparison is the thief of joy
always come up for me, right, So when I find
myself in that space of comparison, I let myself acknowledge that,
right that. Okay, wait, yep, I'm doing that comparison thing again. Okay,
hold on, Let me recognize that if I stay in
(33:20):
this comparison space, then that means that I'm going to
miss out on all the good that is present.
Speaker 3 (33:29):
In my current moment in my journey, and.
Speaker 2 (33:33):
It will cause me to miss overall what my journey
is supposed to be about. And that's the key. It's
my journey. My journey is not supposed to be anyone
else's journey. And so when I find myself in that
space of comparison, I acknowledge that I'm doing it, and
(33:57):
then I move into Okay, this is not helpful for me.
Let me remind myself of the good that I have,
why my journey is what it is, and so then
once I can refocus, then I'm able to shift away
(34:18):
from that comparison space, and when I shift out of
that comparison.
Speaker 3 (34:24):
Space, I'm able to hold space for.
Speaker 2 (34:29):
Joyfully celebrating myself as well as the person or people
or things that I might have been comparing comparing myself to.
Speaker 1 (34:40):
Yeah, so what about for UTA? Those are such great points,
and I think we have some similar points there. I
think acknowledgment is so key, like don't lie, letus not
lie to ourselves. Be honest, like be real at least
with yourself, right, you don't got to tell nobody else
but be honest, acknowledge it. I like to ask myself,
like where is this coming from? And then I like
to dig in deeper and just remind myself like, you
(35:01):
don't know that person's story. You don't know what they're
doing behind the scenes. You don't know what they're going through,
you don't know what discipline they have in place that
maybe maybe I'm not doing the same things right, You
never know. I just ask myself various questions. Right. Another
thing I remind myself of is what's for me is
for me, And I don't want to step into any
(35:21):
of my gifts, any of the experiences that are for me.
I don't want to step into anything prematurely. So I'm like, God,
if you guys to make me wait until you know that,
you know that you know I'm ready, Like, make me wait.
I don't want to step into anything prematurely, and so
I remember that, and then I also don't like to
lean into gratitude. And I think about certain my experiences
(35:42):
in servant leadership positions where I was helping someone else
build something, and I'm a firm believer that what you
make happen for someone else, or the love you show
someone else, I believe that same love and support will
be shown to you. And when I'm in my good space,
like when I'm my highest self, when I'm feeling great,
I love to support people, compliment people and love on them,
(36:04):
you know, and just give that genuine support. And so
I try to shift into that energy of how can
I support that person, how can I celebrate them genuinely? Right?
So that's my perspective on that thank.
Speaker 2 (36:13):
You for this, yes, And I can call all of
that yes, yes, I think all of that is important.
Speaker 3 (36:19):
And what that also does is it leads right.
Speaker 2 (36:22):
Into number seven, right of acknowledging that you are always
worthy of love, even when you think you're a mess.
And so how that connects with with number six is
that or specifically when you're in that comparison game, it's
recognizing that typically when we're in that comparison game, it's
(36:47):
when we're feeling less than about ourselves or feeling like
there's something that we're not doing right. And when we
get in those spaces, then we often might feel like, well,
we don't deserve whatever love we're receiving, we don't deserve
whatever praise we're receiving, and we don't deserve all the
(37:11):
good things like just we don't deserve. And the reality
is that you are always, always, always, always worthy of love,
worthy of all the good things. So it may be
that today you woke up, you didn't make the breakfast
(37:36):
that you said you were going to make. You didn't
make that lunch that you said you were going to
make to take.
Speaker 3 (37:42):
With you to work.
Speaker 2 (37:44):
You have no idea what you're gonna have for dinner
because you didn't go grocery shopping the day before. Your
place looks a mess. You actually woke up kind of late,
so now you're rushing to get out the door. You
have ten things that are on your to do list,
(38:04):
half of which you probably won't get done today and
you'll have to put off till tomorrow. And even with
all of that, you are still worthy of love.
Speaker 1 (38:17):
As you are still worthy of love. And I truly
believe that that love it can start with us, right,
even if it's a process, because I remember in a
space in my journey where I was not able to
give myself the love that I desire. But I do
believe that there's so much power when we can give
ourselves the love, the compassion, the touch, all of that
(38:40):
that we desire. If we can give it to ourselves,
I think it's really powerful because it can just put
us in position to receive more of that, and it
kind of puts us in this posture letting the universe know,
like I'm available for this, right, I'm already giving it
to myself, so I'm available for this. And it makes
you feel good too, Like I think about even taking
a shower and you get out and rubbing oils in
your body and saying affirmations and loving those parts in
(39:03):
my body that I've had to, you know, give some
extra attention to because I wasn't too fond of it.
And as you think about this number. I think this
is number what number seven? Number seven? Yeah. A couple
questions you can ask yourself are what lies have I
believed about my worth on hard days so that you
can acknowledge them and then ideally try to reprogram yourself
(39:25):
right to think about what are the truths that I
want to lean into? And also think back to times
when someone loved you through chaos. Right, maybe you have
a moment in time, but you can think back to
those moments where either you were loved through it or
you got yourself through it, and kind of remind ourselves
of like, huh, I did this before, I experienced this before,
it's available to me in the future. And that takes
(39:48):
us to number eight, which I will want to say
is probably one of Diaald's favorites. Yes it is, and
if you listen to the podcast regularly you know. So
Number eight is you're allowed to rest even if nothing's done.
This is not an easy one, but we won't say
it again. Put the people in the bag. You're allowed
(40:08):
to rest even if nothing's done. And this is something
that I am still working on reminding myself that I
don't have to finish it all today. I deserve peace
and rest, and also working through not feeling lazy when
I do take a break, even though stuff needs to
get done. Literally, last night I was up vibing and
working late and I ended. Usually I like to clean
(40:31):
my whole house before I go to sleep, make sure
everything's ready for the morning. I left everything out. It
was just messy, and I was like, you know what,
it's okay. I'm going to just go ahead and go
to sleep and I'll clean it up in the morning.
And reminding myself, I have all the time I need
to get done everything that needs to get done. That's
another man trait that I like to use. And guess what.
I woke up this morning. I had two meetings that
(40:52):
were canceled. I had all the time I needed get
all that shit done. The mess was still there there.
I cleaned it up and had a great day. You
are allowed to rest like this. Life is so precious
and it's so important for us to give ourselves rest, pleasure,
time to just chill. You can sit on a couch
and watch Netflix and eat some yummy snack that you like,
(41:12):
and that's okay.
Speaker 2 (41:14):
Yes, And I think the thing also to remember is
that rest is important rest is a necessity.
Speaker 3 (41:24):
Rest is different from sleep. Oh and so you need
to sleep. Okay, we all need to sleep.
Speaker 2 (41:37):
It is a biological function that we all need. Rest
is a necessity. But rest is different from.
Speaker 3 (41:46):
Sleep, and that rest is literally you are not doing anything.
Speaker 2 (41:52):
You are awake, but you are not doing anything that
falls into the quote unquote paragraph of product. So rest is,
like you said, sitting on the couch watching Netflix and
having a yummy snack. Rest is sitting on your patio
(42:18):
having a cup of tea, watching whatever's passing by in
front of you. Right.
Speaker 3 (42:27):
Rest is.
Speaker 2 (42:30):
Laying in bed in extra ten minutes in the morning
thinking about nothing. Rest is something that we all need.
And it again, like you pointed out, it does not
mean you're being lazy. And I think in this capitalist,
(42:56):
pro productivity society that we live in, the majority of
us have been conditioned to believe that if we are sitting.
Speaker 3 (43:07):
Down doing nothing, we're being lazy.
Speaker 2 (43:10):
Now, I'm not saying that you need to spend twenty
days in a row doing absolutely nothing when there are
things that need to get done.
Speaker 3 (43:22):
I'm not saying that.
Speaker 2 (43:24):
What I'm saying is that we need rest to reset ourselves,
not to be productive, but to be brought back to equilibrium.
That because of the way a lot of us have
been socialized in programmed and the way that we typically engage,
(43:46):
we end up in a space of rest. When that's
our bodies as our body is telling us, yeah, you've
been doing a lot, slowed down, listen. Most of us
ignore that, and then we end up sick.
Speaker 1 (44:05):
Exactly, and your body's like, oh, your ass gonna sit
down now.
Speaker 3 (44:08):
And I told you to rest. You ain't listen.
Speaker 1 (44:11):
That's the words God. When your body's like, right, I told.
Speaker 2 (44:17):
You and so and so. I think that it is important,
particularly once you get that signal from your body, to
let yourself rest no matter what chaos might be happening
around you, so that you have that chance to reset.
That chaos will still be happening, so let yourself do
(44:40):
that reset. That rests to reset. And so then that
takes us to number nine. Your dream isn't too big.
Speaker 3 (44:51):
It's just being built on divine timing.
Speaker 1 (44:55):
Oh amen.
Speaker 3 (44:58):
Yes, So.
Speaker 2 (45:01):
It's your dream for a reason. You don't have to
give up on it no matter what people around you
are telling you, unless there are realistic things that are
getting in the way of that. So your dream is
(45:22):
to own a transportation company, but you don't have your
driver's license, and you are not old enough to get
your driver's license yet. Wild example, I know, but follow me.
That dream is a great dream. You just aren't old
enough to follow that step. Right if you are told
(45:48):
that you want this transportation company, and now you've met
the age requirement, but there are things from your pasts
that now absolutely prohibit you from having the driver's license
that you need to start that transportation company. Guess what,
(46:13):
While you might not be able to be the person
to own that transportation to drive the vehicles in that
transportation company, that does not mean that you cannot still
own your own transportation company. So now you may have
had a few roadblocks and a few setbacks, and there
(46:35):
may be some adjustments that you need to make to
get to that dream. But that dream is still possible.
Speaker 1 (46:47):
Yes, yes, and yes, I love that you mentioned adjustments
because listen there, the journey is usually never a straight path.
There's usually lots of twist and turns. And there's a
quote that I've had in my email signature for years.
It's just so good I can't let it go. And
you'll have to google the quote to see who says.
(47:08):
It's always Butcher's name, but the quote says, the creator
did not give you a longing to do that which
you have no ability to do. And I truly believe that,
Like I truly believe that if you have a desire
to do something in this lifetime, I believe it's possible.
And I think there are a couple of things to remember, Like,
you want to be coachable, right, you want to make
sure you're improving, you're getting feedback, you're not just doing
(47:29):
the same exact thing and realizing that it's not working.
And then you're just committed to that particular way. Know
that your method may change, but the goal doesn't necessarily
have to. So I think that when you're achieving your goal,
try to think of the why behind it, because sometimes
it's it's the why that can drive you to the purpose. Right,
So maybe you want to be wealthy, or you want
(47:50):
to like you said, dom, I think it was a
start a trucking company.
Speaker 3 (47:53):
A transportation company, a transportation.
Speaker 1 (47:55):
Company, Well, maybe think about the why behind that, because
maybe the why is really you want to be finance independent.
So maybe you realize, oh, maybe it's not the transportation company.
Maybe it's this other thing that I'm passionate about that'll
lead me to the bigger why, which is financial independence.
So just be open to different paths and know that
if you drunk it, it's possible. So don't give up. Yes, Yes,
(48:18):
And that takes us to our final reminder, number ten,
which hopefully just imagine as we are stating number ten,
just imagine a big hug, good energy surrounding you, bright
white light and just good vibes, a hug from the universe,
a hug from God. Right, whatever's going to make you
feel good. And number ten is everything is going to
(48:41):
be okay, even if it doesn't seem like it, or
even if it doesn't look like it. This is so
important to remember, I was telling Don before we started this. Sometimes,
especially when you're younger, you just need somebody that you
trust to tell you everything's gonna be okay. Yeah right.
I just think about like my grandmother. Oh my mamm
I mess her so much. She's like, baby, everything's gonna
(49:03):
be okay. You don't know how it's gonna be okay.
You may not believe it necessarily, but because that person
said it, you're like, you know, what it has to be,
like this is going to keep me going. And when
I think about this particular reminder, one of the things
that I think is so important for us to remember
is that our thoughts are not always facts. Right, just
because the thought pops into your head doesn't mean you
(49:24):
have to believe it, right. I think about so many
times I'm having to reorient and control my thoughts. Sometimes
my thoughts the critic is trying to talk about me,
and I'm like, won't play about her. No, we not,
like I have a whole conversation. We're battling in the
mind of like, this is what I'm choosing to believe.
This thought popped up, but I don't want to believe that.
It's not gonna put me in the direction I want
(49:44):
to go in. It's not giving me the energy that
I want to have. And so it's so important to
remember that, like, everything is going to be okay, even
if you don't see it. Now. My think back to
so many moments in life where I thought it was
the end, where I thought, oh my gosh, I'm not
gonna make it, and I made it and I'm still
here and looking back on it. In my personal journey,
(50:04):
everything that happened was happening for me and not to me,
And so I think it's a great reminder for us
to close the conversation like everything's going to be okay.
Speaker 2 (50:14):
Yes, I mean, I can't stop saying it as you
were saying it, and I'm saying it in my mind
of like, yes, this is all. This is a good
gentle mantra and reminder of everything is going to be
oh okay. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but truly
(50:39):
eventually everything is going to be okay. All right, ladies,
So we know, like we said at the top of
the episode, adulting can be a true clusterfuck at times,
and so here are our ten reminders one more time
(51:00):
to help you get through when adulting is looking pretty rough.
Number one, crying doesn't mean you're losing. It means you're releasing.
Number two, you're not weak. You're carrying a lot right now.
(51:21):
Number three. Just because you're alone doesn't mean you're not supported.
Number four, it's okay to miss people who are no
longer in your life.
Speaker 3 (51:36):
Number five.
Speaker 2 (51:38):
Your ancestors would be so proud of you. Number six,
it's normal to grieve the life you thought you'd have
By now. Number seven, you are always worthy of love,
even when you think you're a mess. Number eight, you're
(51:59):
a lie out to rest even if nothing's done. Number nine,
your dream isn't too big, it's just being built on
divine timing. And number ten, everything is going to be okay,
even if it doesn't look like it yet.
Speaker 1 (52:21):
It was such a beautiful recap. Dom and Lady Dom
and I are going to go record the after show
where we talk more about behind the scenes stuff, a
little bit of stuff from the episode process the content
we cover. So join us. Visit Herspace podcast dot com,
click anywhere you see Patreon. Support this black owned, black
founded and this business run by us two black women. Okay,
(52:42):
y'all come support us. We'd love to see you over there,
and that way you can see the video of the
episode and get the after show content. So we'll see
you there.
Speaker 4 (52:50):
Lady, it's doctor Dom here from the Cultivating her Space podcast.
Are you currently a resident of the state of California
and Tomson starting your therapy journey? Well, if so, please
reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com.
That's d R D O M I N I q
(53:13):
U E B R O u ss ar d dot
com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. I look
forward to hearing from you. Thanks for tuning into Cultivating
her Space. Remember that while this podcast is all about healing, empowerment,
(53:34):
and resilience, it's not a substitute for therapy. If you
are someone you know needs support, check out resources like
Therapy for Black Girls or Psychology Today. If you love
today's episode, do us a favor and share it with
a friend who needs some inspiration or leave us a
quick five star review. Your support means the world to
(53:58):
us and helps keeps this space.
Speaker 1 (54:01):
And before we meet again, repeat after me, I honor
my journey by balancing effort and rest to achieve my goals.
Keep thriving, Lady, and tune in next Friday for more
inspiration from Cultivating her Space. In the meantime, be sure
to connect with us on Instagram at her Space Podcast
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