July 18, 2025 • 46 mins
Hey lady! We’re going to cut straight to the chase because we know that your time is probably scheduled down to the minute. Many of us are out here caring for children, caring for aging parents, killing it at work, showing up for your community, trying to take care of yourself and keep the wheels on the train of your life moving forward. The list is long to say the least. And, on top of all of that you are dealing with the unpredictable nature of humans. This week Terri and Dr. Dom discuss an underdiscussed issue in our community. How to care for yourself when caring for someone struggling with their mental health?
What do you do when your cup is empty, and you have nothing left to pour? Dr. Dom and Terri offer real talk and real tools to help you navigate challenging times with loved ones. Whether it’s your mama, your man, or your best friend—mental health challenges don’t just affect the person going through them. They affect everyone close to them. So, go ahead and download and save this episode, lady. Consider it yet another tool in your toolkit to go through life with grace, class, and your own mental health in check. And, if this episode has helped you and you know it will help others why don’t you rate us and let us know how much value you found in our perspective. Your support helps bring our show to more people looking for healing!
Practical Tips: How to Show Up with Boundaries
1. Validate their experience but don’t try to “fix” them
2 Learn the basics of their diagnosis (from trusted sources)
3. Communicate clearly: “What do you need from me right now?”
4. When necessary, create care plans and safety plans
5. Leverage professional help (E.g.; Therapy, support groups, and hotlines)
Quote of the Day:
"Tough love is you creating and keeping healthy boundaries."
– Nedra Tawwab
Goal Map Like a Pro Workbook
Cultivating H.E.R. Space Sanctuary
Resources:
Dr. Dom’s Therapy Practice
Branding with Terri
Melanin and Mental Health
Therapy for Black Girls
Psychology Today
Therapy for QPOC
Where to find us:
Twitter: @HERspacepodcast
Instagram: @herspacepodcast
Facebook: @herspacepodcast
Website: cultivatingherspace.com
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/cultivating-h-e-r-space-uplifting-conversations-for-the-black-woman--5470036/support.
What do you do when your cup is empty, and you have nothing left to pour? Dr. Dom and Terri offer real talk and real tools to help you navigate challenging times with loved ones. Whether it’s your mama, your man, or your best friend—mental health challenges don’t just affect the person going through them. They affect everyone close to them. So, go ahead and download and save this episode, lady. Consider it yet another tool in your toolkit to go through life with grace, class, and your own mental health in check. And, if this episode has helped you and you know it will help others why don’t you rate us and let us know how much value you found in our perspective. Your support helps bring our show to more people looking for healing!
Practical Tips: How to Show Up with Boundaries
1. Validate their experience but don’t try to “fix” them
2 Learn the basics of their diagnosis (from trusted sources)
3. Communicate clearly: “What do you need from me right now?”
4. When necessary, create care plans and safety plans
5. Leverage professional help (E.g.; Therapy, support groups, and hotlines)
Quote of the Day:
"Tough love is you creating and keeping healthy boundaries."
– Nedra Tawwab
Goal Map Like a Pro Workbook
Cultivating H.E.R. Space Sanctuary
Resources:
Dr. Dom’s Therapy Practice
Branding with Terri
Melanin and Mental Health
Therapy for Black Girls
Psychology Today
Therapy for QPOC
Where to find us:
Twitter: @HERspacepodcast
Instagram: @herspacepodcast
Facebook: @herspacepodcast
Website: cultivatingherspace.com
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/cultivating-h-e-r-space-uplifting-conversations-for-the-black-woman--5470036/support.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
Remember, even if you are a therapist, it is not
your job to be the therapist for your friends and family. Hey, lady,
have you ever felt like the world just doesn't get you?
Well we do.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
Welcome to Cultivating her Space, the podcast dedicated to uplifting
and empowering women like you.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
We're your hosts, doctor Dominique Brussard, and educator and psychologists.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
And Terry Lomax, a techie and transformational speaker.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
Join us every week for authentic conversations about everything from
fibroids to fake friends as we create space for black
women to just be.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
Before we dive in, make sure you hit that follow
button and leave us a quick five star review. Lady,
we are black founded and black owned, and your support
will help us reach even more women like you.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Now, let's get into this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.
It's doctor Do'm here from the Cultivating her Space podcast.
Are you currently a resident of the state of California
and contemplating starting your therapy journey? Well, if so, please
reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com.
(01:24):
That's d R D O M I N I Q.
U E b r O U S s ar d
dot com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. I
look forward to hearing from you, all right. Our quote
(01:44):
of the day of love is you creating and keeping
healthy boundaries. And that quote comes to us from therapists
Nader twelve. I'm gonna say that quote one more time
for the folks in the back to make sure you
heard it and you really let this one think in
(02:08):
heuff love is you creating and keeping healthy boundaries?
Speaker 1 (02:17):
All right?
Speaker 2 (02:18):
So see when you hear that quote and you think
about our topic for today, what comes up for you?
Speaker 1 (02:26):
Okay, So when I hear this quote, let me just
say this first, I agree with this quote wholeheartedly. I'm like,
hands up, I'm clapping, I'm stomping. This is the quote.
But thinking about what we're talking about today, it makes
me think about just my upbringing, and it's like boundaries.
What is a boundary? What you're setting a boundary? You're
(02:47):
creating and keeping healthy boundaries? Like what is that? Why
are you doing that? That is not love? So that's
what's coming up for me as far as what it
means in the context of my past and what my
family may have thought about a boundary. If that makes sense.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
Yep, yep, it okay does for you, I think your
experience isn't that far off from what other people's experience
may be. And so for me, I think when I
hear this quote, it's giving a more accurate definition on
(03:23):
what tough love looks like, right, because I think about
how people have typically said tough love and may you,
and it's often used when you may be implementing something
harsh or maybe even aggressive or very punitive and calling
(03:48):
it love. And for me, oftentimes those things that people
those behaviors, so usually I'm like, more specifically, what I'm
actually thinking about is like corporal punishments, thanking, that's not
tough love to me. In some instances that can actually
(04:08):
be abused, and so tough love is not about abuse.
Tough love to me, this definition feels like, or this
quote feels like the definition of tough love is it's
when you're able to create and keep boundaries. Because we
(04:30):
know that boundaries are for you and protecting your engagement
in relationships to other people, and that can be hard
to do. Hence the word tough.
Speaker 1 (04:45):
Hell, yes, it can, Oh my gosh, all right, well,
I guess it's time for us to dive into it. So, lady,
if you've ever found yourself emotionally drained while trying to
support someone you love through a mental health challenge, this
episode is for you.
Speaker 2 (05:03):
Yes, And so today what we're talking about is something
that doesn't often get discussed in our community, and it's
what is it like to care for someone who's navigating
a mental health challenge? And how do you show up
for them without losing yourself in the process.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
Oh, heavy on the losing yourself in the process, because
let's be real, lady, society has conditioned black women to
be righted, eyes, right strong, all the time caretakers. But
what happens when your cup is empty and you're still
expected to pour?
Speaker 2 (05:49):
Yes, that's a real question. That is a real question,
and today we're going to talk about what that can
look like and also give you some tools on how
to show up with love, care, compassion, and boundaries. So,
whether it's your mama, your partner, or your best friend,
(06:14):
mental health challenges we know don't only affect the person
who's experiencing them. It affects everyone around them. And before
we go further into the conversation, I do want to
put the caveat out there that in today's episode we're
(06:36):
talking about mental health challenges like anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder.
We can have a different episode. We will have a
different episode where we speak specifically about neuro divergence or
navigating mental health challenges with young children, because those things
(06:57):
are different and we want to ignite knowledge that. And
so let me just reiterate that this episode is about
supporting someone with anxiety, depression, bipolar and similar things.
Speaker 1 (07:16):
Thank you for that distinction. I think that's super important.
And I guess it might make sense to start with
caregiving first, right before we dive deeper into the conversation.
And don I just want to I want to ask
you what why do you think caregiving is an important
place to begin this conversation. So I'm sure there's some
(07:36):
you know, backstory behind that. So what is the importance
of that, because I think many of us can relate
to that role.
Speaker 2 (07:43):
Well, I think that is exactly that, right, is that
a lot of a lot of us And when I
say us, you know, I mean I'm speaking about Black
women often find ourselves in caregiving roles. And so whether
that is like I mentioned, before your parents, your partner,
(08:06):
your friends, your children, your coworkers, your neighbors, your church members,
the lady in Learne at the grocery store. There are
lots of ways in which black women often find themselves
and spaces where people are leaning on them and expecting
(08:29):
them to show up and take care of the situation,
to fix things right. And let's be honest, some of
us thrive in that. Some of us think it out interesting.
(08:51):
Now that's a whole different topic for another day. What
I think that we are in this role over caregiver.
What that then means is that we are often the
ones who are noticing the changes and who are expected
(09:12):
to address any issues that may come up. And so
when it comes to understanding supporting someone who is navigating
mental health challenges, if you're the caregiver, then that means
you are the person who's noticing the changes that that person,
(09:32):
that this person is experiencing. Yeah, and you may be
tasked with addressing those changes.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
Okay, So I think we need to dig a bit
deeper into this because as I heard, as I was
looking at the word caregiver, I'm thinking about both of
our experiences as like a perventified children. I'm thinking about
when I was raising my younger siblings and like taking
on that mother figure role. But I know we're not
talking necessarily talking about caregiving in that sense, So it
sounds to me like caregiving here is like this unofficial
(10:07):
title that we get in I'm thinking about what it
looks like in action, and so I'm just going to
give an example, Dom and I'd love to hear your
perspective on this, but I'm thinking about me growing up
in this very tense, toxic, dysfunctional environment where I was
definitely an observer. So I'm like, I'm peeping everyone's energy,
(10:32):
the mood. I'm also the peacemaker, so I'm like figuring out, Okay, wait,
what's the mood? Like let me show up in this
way because this is what the dynamic looks like, and
I want to make it more comfortable. And I'm thinking
about the relationship with my mom, in particular with a
very strong personality, someone who you know, was abusive when
I was younger, and me navigating the I'm trying to
(10:54):
figure out even how to explain, and me navigating the
unexpected behaviors that she showed up with. That's what That's
what you were kind of referring to a scenario similar
to that.
Speaker 2 (11:05):
Yes, yes, and that and I think and thank you
for providing that example because we can look like that, right.
And what I love about you sharing that example is
that that is the example that go that might go unnoticed.
We might not label them as being a caregiver in
the traditional sense of caregiver, right, because another example of
(11:31):
the more traditional sense of caregiver is someone who is
expected to, oh, who takes on the role of their
parent is aging or their parent is experiencing physical challenges, right.
(11:52):
And I'm intentional about using that word physical, right, because
I want to make the distinction here. And and so
that person then becomes the one who shows up to
make sure that their parents takes care of all their
is at their medical appointments, right, might work with them
(12:15):
on changing their living situation. And so they're tending to
the financial, the emotional, the physical needs of that aging parent.
Speaker 1 (12:30):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:31):
And so that's so that caregiver role is one that
we are more easily able to identify. As such, the
example that you gave is caregiving, but we might not
label it in this We might not give it that
specific label, but it is the same.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
Okay, that's really important. I'm glad. I'm glad that you
said that because I think that I'm assuming lady. As
you listen to the episode, you're probably putting yourself in
a different box or multiple boxes based on how we're
framing the definitions and the conversation. So should we talk
about signs that someone you love maybe dealing with the
mental health challenge?
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Yes, And I think it's important to talk about what
it to be able to identify what it looks like. Yeah,
because we can't get help if we don't know that
help is needed. So quick, feel simple things, right, changes
(13:32):
in communication or behavior, and I'll give I'll run through,
and then I'll come back with some examples. Right, So
changes in communication, our behavior, gifts in their daily functioning,
physical or emotional red flags. Those are usually like the
broad category, right, examples of changes in communicate in communication
(13:56):
or behavior, you notice that that person is withdrawing or
isolating themselves from the people that are around them. So
this person is usually ready to engage with everybody. Doesn't
mean that they're trying to have hours long conversation, but
(14:18):
they can readily engage. And now you see that they
like you're observing that they're not trying to even do
the basic engagement of oh, how is your day to day.
Another sign of changes in communication is this person is
mapping or like having what feel like big emotional reactions
(14:42):
to things that normally would not garner such a reaction,
right or the opposite, that they all of a sudden
are silent. So things that typically might go oner some
level of response, they're saying nothing about it. Words they
(15:09):
may use or phrases I'm tired of all of this.
It would be better if I weren't here, and we'll
circle back to what you can do to phrases like that.
But things like that, that's a change in communication or behavior.
That's something that you're noticing that they weren't doing before.
(15:31):
Some of the shifts in their daily functioning. Their sleep
has changed, so either they're sleeping way too much or
way too little, and it's not related to a specific
change in overall circumstances. Right I think about right now
at the time that we're recording this episode, it's the summer.
(15:55):
Teenagers like to sleep a lot in the summer, especially
when they don't have to beat up at like six
or seven am. That in and of itself is not
a concern. But fast forward to we're in October and
that teenager consistently leaps through their alarm, frequently late for
(16:20):
school because they have this need to fleep for ten
or twelve hours. Or maybe it's the opposite. Maybe you
notice someone who normally leaps seven to eight hours, all
of a sudden sleeping only three or four hours. So
you're noticing a change, right. They're no longer interested in
the things that they typically engage in, things that you
(16:44):
know they get excited about. They're no longer trying to
do those things. Poor hygiene, so they stop doing things
like taking a shower. If you know that. If you
notice that this is someone who regularly keeps their hair done,
and all of a sudden, they're no longer tending to
(17:06):
their hair. That person who had the bi weekly male appointment,
it's been months since they've been to the nail salon,
and it's not for financial reasons. You notice an increased
use of substances as a coping mechanism. So whether that's alcohol, marijuana, caffeine, nicotine,
(17:33):
or tobacco, they're increasing the use in substance to cope
with changes in their in their life, and then the
other thing that we might not pay attention to. If
they have physical symptoms that go on there are unexplainable,
(17:55):
so they have certain apes in their body, frequent headache,
con set fatigue, so they're getting enough sleep, but they
still feel fatigued. They express feelings of deep sadness or hopelessness,
or you find them apologizing for saying, oh, I'm sorry,
(18:17):
I feel like this might be too much. I hope
I'm not being a burden, or maybe even they start
expressing signs of paranoia or fear that feel irrational for
us as black people, because I want to point out
and acknowledge that as Black people, there is a certain
(18:38):
level of cultural paranoia that exists within our community. When
you find that it's beyond that, then those are signs
that someone is experiencing some mental health challenges.
Speaker 1 (18:53):
Gotcha, this is very helpful. I'm processing, I'm taking notes
and like writing questions as we discussed this because a
couple of things are coming up for me and I
as the therapist, I am like looking to you for
this conversation because I know this is your world, this
is this is your life's work right now, right this
is what you are, This is what you deal with, right,
(19:13):
And so when as you were sharing those, a couple
of things came up for me. One, I was thinking
about the fact that, okay, now that we're going over
the signs, it sounds like this is the first step.
It's acknowledgment. So you realize the signs and someone and
you're sitting to yourself and like, okay, you're kind of
like making the mental no, or maybe you're writing it
down and you're like, okay, I'm noticing this, this and this.
So the first step is acknowledgment. Now let me know
(19:33):
if I'm jumping too much ahead, because now I'm trying
to categorize this. I'm thinking about people in my life
who've experienced where I've seen some of these signs, and
there's like one group where it feels more like a season.
I'm going to call it, like a season of signs,
where like it's a friend I can support them through it.
And then there's another category of people where it's like
(19:56):
it's been like ten plus years, this is a pattern
of signs. This is like who you are. This is
not necessarily I'm going through a rough passion, but like
this is who you are. And I have found that
I've navigated those two sort of buckets of people differently.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
Yes, And I also want to be careful about saying
this is who you are. I would rephrase that to
this is persistent and pervasive, because I think that there
are some people who can go their whole life experiencing
(20:32):
certain mental health challenges and never get help. Yes, and
it still doesn't mean that that is who they are
at their core.
Speaker 1 (20:42):
Yeah, that's a good point. It's like it's more having
more compassion and understanding that they aren't necessarily their diagnosis,
but like they're showing up in this way right because
they may not be getting the help that they need.
I like that. That makes sense, That makes perfect sense.
I appreciate that.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
And I also I also want to distinguish between someone
who is experiencing what we would call severe mental illness
versus someone who may be experiencing something seasonally or for
a short period of time. Yeah, and so or what
(21:21):
might be functional mental health challenges. Right, So, typically someone
who is experent thing like severe mental illness is it's
a what we would consider like a chronic psychiatric condition,
so it significantly impairs that person's ability to think, their
(21:44):
overall behavior, their mood, and most importantly, their ability to
function in day to day life. Someone with severe mental
illness is usually someone who requires like ongoing support. Sometime
of it might involve hospitalization. It may often involve theory
(22:07):
of medications. And so that might look that might be
schizophrenia or someone's experiencing like hallucination, delusion and disorganized thinking.
It could be someone with severe bipolar one disorder, where
they're experiencing extreme like mood swings so and then finding
(22:30):
themselves engaging in like risky behavior, having a whole lot
of energy and grandiose thinking and engagement, and then going
into deep depression. And then there may be people who
have like get so effective disorder, which is kind of
a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar. And then someone who
(22:52):
may be have severe major depressive disorder with frequent suicidal
ideation and attempts or psychotic features. And when we say
psychotic features, things that kind of resemble diisophrenice, those hallucinations
and delusions, and so again, the thing to remember is
(23:18):
out how much is this disrupting this person's ability to
function in their day to day life. If this person.
Is this person still able to go to work, to socialize,
to take care of themselves. Right. If the answer is yes,
then they may be anxious or depressed. If not, it
(23:40):
may be something else. And again I want to also
emphasize that it is not your job as the caregiver
or the loved one to diate notes what might be
going on. Now. Your jobs identify, well, I think you
(24:01):
may be schizoprenic, and even labeling it like that, right,
saying I think you may be schizophrenic could be a
sensive right, yeah, And so it's not your job to
do that, even if you are a training and a
health provider, not your job to do that. But if
(24:21):
you are noticing some of these changes, we'll talk a
little bit later about what you can do.
Speaker 1 (24:29):
I'm taking it all in dollars. I'm processing because there
are so many thoughts coming up. One of the things
I'm thinking about is the fact that one, I'm grateful
that we're going over the signs because even as we
went over the signs, I'm trying to like put it
into the context of my life to get a better understanding.
And I'm like, oh, I've had I've experienced some of
these signs when I was going through you know, seasons
of depression and things of that nature. Right, So I'm
seeing that. But it's also really helpful to see the
(24:51):
distinction between severe mental illness and then the general signs
that we went over before, because we can't you can't
see this on someone, right, Like, so you may see
someone and we assume, oh this people, I'm going to
use air quotes, Okay, you look normal, but it's like,
what is normal really?
Speaker 2 (25:08):
Right?
Speaker 1 (25:08):
What is that? And we all watch stuff, but what
is that? We all have stuff below the surface. So
I'm just like processing and taking it in because it's
also giving me more compassion for people who have a
chemical imbalance that they often cannot control. But because I've
interacted and loved people who experience some of this, it
(25:30):
can be challenging to navigate on a day to day
basis when you have your own shit going on. You're like,
I got my own mental hook stuff going on, and
then they have theirs. How do I, where do I
fit in? How can I support when you're going through that?
And how to also not take it personally? So that's
all like, those are all the things that are processing.
Speaker 2 (25:48):
Did you share yes, yes, And so I think that's
important to point out, right, And so what do we
do when we start to notice the signs? Well, to me,
it's like you mentioned, like you mentioned a moment ago.
It's it's about having compassion and grace, right, And it's
approaching them from a space of care and concern without
(26:12):
making the person feel judged or ashamed.
Speaker 1 (26:15):
Right.
Speaker 2 (26:17):
And if this is someone that you love and care
about and they love and care about you, they consense
when you're coming from a place of genuine concern versus
trying to control them or control the situation. Right. So
(26:41):
we have a few, a few ways, a few tips
on how to approach when, how to broach that conversation
when you are noticing a change in your loved one,
all right, so that person one, Yes, that first one
is to lead with love and not labels. So you
(27:04):
can say something like, hey, I notice you've been a
little bit more quiet lately, and I just want to
check in, like how were you really doing?
Speaker 1 (27:15):
And don't and not the oh.
Speaker 2 (27:17):
I'm fine or I'm good. No, how are you really doing?
Speaker 1 (27:22):
So that goes back to what you said earlier. We're
not diagnosing people, even if you see someone you're like, listen,
I think this is what's going on. We're not diagnosing
lead with love, not labels, and just get curious. I
like that. And that takes us to number two, which
is ask open ended questions that are non pressuring. So
instead of like, what's wrong with you? Why are you
acting like that? Why are you acting fundy? Why are
(27:42):
you being different? It's like, how have things been feeling
for you lately? What's been going on in your world lately?
Speaker 2 (27:49):
Right?
Speaker 1 (27:49):
So that's a yeah, that's a good one too.
Speaker 2 (27:52):
Yes, And I know our temptation to go like, what's
wrong with you exactly? That's not that's going to put
someone's guard up, right, So there's next for him avoid
minimizing their feeling. This is the common one that I
(28:13):
hear about. Yeah, the well, at least you're not dealing
with ABC and D, right, or oh you'll be fine.
That's all when you say when you respond in that way,
when an after a person has opened up to you
about what they're experiencing, even if for you, and oftentimes
(28:37):
it's coming from a place it could be coming from
a place of you're comparing it to your own current
experiences and maybe you're going through more. You're going through
a lot right now. I drop to compare apples and oranges.
What feels like a hundred for that person may only
feel like ten to you. But if you but you
(29:00):
don't want to come across a dismissive because what feels
like one hundred to you might only feel like five
to them.
Speaker 1 (29:07):
Mm hmm. Now what what does that look like in action?
Cause I'm thinking about if a friend comes, you know, like, girl,
my gosh, I'm so forwhelmed. I got this going on,
I got this thing to pay, I'm you know, this
situation over here, Like what what would be a good
response where it isn't dismissive, where you're like, oh, well
somebody else has it worse than you, or oh I'm
(29:28):
going through it too, Like what would be an ideal
response to make them feel heard?
Speaker 2 (29:32):
You know, it sounds like you're going through a lot
right now. It sounds like you are navigating more than
what you're used to.
Speaker 1 (29:42):
M hm. That's good.
Speaker 2 (29:46):
Keep it as simple as that.
Speaker 1 (29:48):
Yeah, I love it, and that takes its number four.
Number four is probably my favorite because I'm like, oh,
I don't go I don't have no solutions right, offer support,
not solutions, right, And I have all the answers, but
you can be there. Your presence oftentimes can be a gift.
And I found you. I'm just listening, just listening to someone,
(30:10):
letting them vent and sometimes you know what else? I
think we've talked about this as well, one of your favorites, Dom.
It's like, how can I support you? Yes? On in there. Yes,
I received that, and I know we've talked about it
on the show as well, which I love because it
opens the door if someone does know how they can
be supported.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
And so to add on to that, because I've heard
people say, well, what do I do if I if
someone asks me how they can support me and I
don't know, you can say that, you can say I
appreciate you checking in. Yes, I really don't know what
(30:48):
how I need, what support I need right now? When
I'm able to identify it, I'll let you know. Or
you can say I don't know what help I need
right now? Can you help me? Can I explain more
of what's going on and you can help me think
through what may be supportive And I'm not asking you
(31:11):
to volunteer for that, but if you could help me
generate what may be supportive.
Speaker 1 (31:17):
That is excellent, that is a great one. And so
what I was going to say is it kind of
piggybacks off of that. So something I'll usually ask is
do you want after they ask you know, I ask
about support, do you want advice? Or do you want
me to just listen? And I think sometimes that can
be helpful because sometimes the answer is give me some advice.
Speaker 2 (31:36):
I need.
Speaker 1 (31:36):
I need a voice of reasoning right now. Sometimes it's like,
don't say shit, just listen, just let me vent. And
that's cool too, yes, And.
Speaker 2 (31:45):
I think then that takes us to our last stip,
and it's no when to encourage professional help. Know your limits. Remember,
even if you are a therapist, it is not your
job to be the therapist for your friends and family.
And so if someone is so, whether they're showing signs
(32:06):
of like significant distress, if they're doing that, if they're
showing signs of significant distress or suicidal thoughts, it's time
to intervene with professional health and you can offer to
help them find someone. If someone's immediately expressing suiticidal thoughts,
then you can reach out to a crisis line or
(32:30):
take them to urgent care. If someone is not in
that level of distress, but it's clear that they could
benefit from professional health, you can offer that suggestion. You
can say, you know, I think it may be helpful
to seek some additional support. So maybe a therapist or
(32:54):
whatever other support might be beneficial to that person. That
person might be or open to love it, and so,
you know, I think the thing that is really important
throughout all of this is what we talked about at
the beginning about setting boundaries that as we mentioned, it
(33:19):
is not your job to be that person's therapist. And
I know that for some people there may come a
point where you are not able to provide any level
of support, and that's important to acknowledge. You have to
(33:42):
understand and identify your own capacity and then be able
to set boundaries based on your capacity.
Speaker 1 (33:50):
I'm going to see my hand. Okay, listen, because when
you said this, all right, what does it look like
in action to set the boundary? Because I'm thinking about
a couple of situations where there were friends who we're
going through a rough season and I've gone through my
own seasons as well, and we support one another, right,
but I think that I'm thinking about the more I
(34:11):
want to say, drastic situations where the season is prolonged
and the support becomes it starts to impact you know,
you as a person because you're trying to support that
person and it feels like dumbing. I was talking to
a friend and they were saying like, oh my gosh,
this person calls and they just want to dump and
I don't have the capacity to do that. I got
my own stuff going, And so what does it look
(34:31):
like to want to be there for someone but to
set a boundary of like, I can't just I can't
be on the phone for hours and just listen, you know,
like I can't. I'm unable to do that. What does
that look like?
Speaker 2 (34:43):
Yeah, so what that can look like is identifying. So
let's say if you're saying that you know you want
what you have capacity to do is to listen, but
you don't have capacity to listen every day for hours.
You can set you set lip it's with that person
and you say, okay, I want I'm here to support
(35:08):
you within limit because I have things that I have
to do for myself and I cannot. I'm not at
this point. I am not a trained professional. And even
if I was a trained professional, it's not. It's not
my job to be your therapist. It sounds like in
this it sounds like it seems like, based on your
(35:31):
current need that you're expressing to me, that therapy may
be a beneficial option. What I'm available to do. I
can do a quick five minute check in every day
via text and once a week or once every two
weeks or whatever cadence feels right for you. I can
(35:56):
set aside time to listen. But for you, as the
loved one, you have to determine what your capacity is,
what your real capacity is. And I think that's the
thing that I want to distinguish, right what your real
capacity is. Just because you have five hours you got
(36:17):
off work early and you have five hours that are
now free in your evening doesn't mean that those five
hours are available for you to listen or problem solve
or get involved in someone's mental health challenges. That's not
(36:40):
helpful to you or to them. And so you have
those five hours, you say, okay, I have about an hour,
Because my guess is that person who's experiencing those mental
health challenges, by the time you finished supporting them, you
(37:00):
may be feeling emotionally drained. And if five hours of
free time is what you have, and you give them
those full five hours. Now where is your energy to
finish the rest of your day? And so you set
off on an hour, support them within that hour, and
(37:22):
then you take some time for your own self care.
So maybe you go on a walk, maybe you meditate,
maybe you journal, you do something to pour back into yourself,
because you've poured out now, right, so do something to
pour back into yourself so that you can continue with
(37:44):
the rest of your day.
Speaker 1 (37:45):
I love it. Okay, let's get into these practical tips
on how to show up with boundaries. So number one,
it feels like a little bit of a recap is
like validate their experience, which we talked a little bit
about before, but don't try to fix them, right, so
have bearing back what they said or just being there
to support and listen. And like you said earlier time,
I love the statement that you that you shared when
(38:07):
I asked you what is what does that look like
in action? And you said it sounds like you're going through.
You have a lot on your plate right now, more
than usual, and so being able to validate the experiences
is really helpful.
Speaker 2 (38:17):
Yes, And the key there is it's not your job
to solve the problem. Yes, So the next the next
boundary is learning the basics of their diagnosis, right, and
and so you look for trusted sources and you identify
what are trusted sources that can offer diagnoses or helping
(38:41):
you to understand the basics of their diagnoses. And again,
it's not your job to diagnose them, it's to help
you once they've received the diagnosis. This is to help
you understand what that really looks like and how how
you can support them with their specific diagnosis. So resources
(39:01):
like NAMI SO the National Institute, and mental illness resources
such as maybe Therapy for Black Girls Psychology Today. There
are a number of resources and we'll put more of
them in the show notes so that you can understand
the basics of how to show up and support based
on that person's specific diagnosis.
Speaker 1 (39:23):
I love that one, too, done because it can really
help to not again not take things personally, because sometimes
if you don't know what's going on beneath the surface,
you just like, why are you acting like this? Or
why they do this to me? But it can be
really helpful when you have that you understand the diagnosis
and it allows you to show up in a supportive way.
Number three is communicate clearly. So again going back to
(39:45):
those statements, those questions, those open ended questions, what you
need from me right now? How can I support you?
Or you know what? I don't have the capacity right
now to do that, but checking in to see if
they have other support, you know, methods, and there's.
Speaker 2 (40:01):
Yes. I think that's that the communication is key being
and so I really want to emphasize that importance of
being very clear and specific. Yeah, what do you need
from me right down? I have ten minutes and then
you stick to those ten minutes, right, So you have
(40:22):
to be clear exactly exactly. So number four is to
create their plans and safety plans if needed, and so
particularly for some if you have a loved one who
may have suicidal thoughts or may have aaronoia, you want
(40:44):
to create help them create safety plans that if they
find themselves having suicidal thoughts, when do they reach out
to you? Versus when do they need to reach out
to emergency services right or christ of popline? Are they
(41:06):
feeling low? What do they need to do? So a
care plan might be more of like so today I
woke up and I'm not feeling well, What do I
need to do? When can I call Terry when I'm
feeling low? At what point is it okay for me
to call Terry? And if I can't call Terry, who
(41:26):
do I call? And identifying what are the various support systems?
Speaker 1 (41:32):
Yes, and also maybe even like key like not even
not a keyword, but like a not a cold word.
I'm trying to think of a certain you know what
I'm trying that might be that might be a cold word,
Like if you're busy and it's like I can't get
to the phone, but like I need to talk to
someone right now, you send that cold word so that
when I see that on the phone, I know I
need to call you immediately. If I'm part of that
(41:54):
you know, safety plan and the sports system. Yes, I
think that could be important because we're so many of
us are so busy. Right And number five here is
leverage professional help, so therapy support groups, hotlines down. This
makes me think about there were various rough patches in
life where family was going through certain things, and I
found that my therapy sessions kind of became like family
(42:16):
sessions where I was talking to my therapist about what
my family member or loved one was going through because
I was like, shit, I need I need support because
I' supporting this person. So I need support now to
help fill my cup and help me process this and
do it in a way that's going to allow me
to have my mental health intact. But then also kind
of blending steps four and five here tips four and
(42:39):
five is I found myself also referring my therapist to
certain family members because it was like, all right, I
love you and I want to support you, and I
also got I have my own mental I need to
make sure my mental health is good because I'm going
through stuff. So let me give you this therapist that
you can now work with to process what you're going
through as well.
Speaker 2 (42:57):
Yes, and I think that's important and that can be
key in setting those boundaries right of like here's my
limit on how I can support you. Now it's time
to bring in the profession. And so a quick wrap
up of these boundaries of setting tips on boundary setting.
(43:17):
With supporting someone with mental health challenges, you validate their experience,
you learn the basics of their diagnosis, You communicate clearly,
you can help them create care and safety plans, and
then you leverage professional health. I know that today's episode
(43:42):
today's topic may have felt insense, or it may have
felt like it only scritches the surface of the questions
that you have on supporting a loved one with mental
health challenges, and so in our show notes will include
links to various resources that we think will be helpful
(44:04):
for you in navigating because, as this episode demonstrates, it's
a parallel in terms of what we're able to do
in this episode, what we're able to offer in this
episode versus what you are able to offer to your
friends and family. We can't do it all. And when
(44:29):
we know we can't do it all, we also bring
in reinforcements, so check our show notes for those reinforcements.
Speaker 1 (44:36):
If you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure if your next steps,
this is for you. Hey, lady, is Tea here and
I just want to invite you to my free goal
map like a pro coaching workshop, where I'll share the
five proven steps to get unstuck and achieve your goals.
Whether you're feeling overwhelmed by all your ideas, juggling scattered ideas,
(44:58):
or maybe you just need confidence, start this workshot will
give you the clarity, tools and the motivation to take
back control. Reserve your spot for free by visiting her
spacepodcast dot com and clicking on the goal map like
a pro webinar link. Lady, don't miss this chance to
build a roadmap that fits your life and set you
up for success. I hope to see you there.
Speaker 2 (45:21):
Thanks for tuning into Cultivating her Space. Remember that while
this podcast is all about healing, empowerment, and resilience, it's
not a substitute for therapy. If you are someone you
know need support, check out resources like Therapy for Black
Girls or Psychology Today. If you love today's episode, do
(45:43):
us a favor and share it with a friend who
needs some inspiration, or leave us a quick five star review.
Your support means the world to us and helps keep
this space thriving.
Speaker 1 (45:55):
And before we meet again, repeat after me under my
journey by balancing effort and rest to achieve my goals.
Keep thriving, Lady, and tune in next Friday for more
inspiration from Cultivating her Space. In the meantime, be sure
to connect with us on Instagram at her Space Podcast
On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
Remember, even if you are a therapist, it is not
your job to be the therapist for your friends and family. Hey, lady,
have you ever felt like the world just doesn't get you?
Well we do.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
Welcome to Cultivating her Space, the podcast dedicated to uplifting
and empowering women like you.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
We're your hosts, doctor Dominique Brussard, and educator and psychologists.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
And Terry Lomax, a techie and transformational speaker.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
Join us every week for authentic conversations about everything from
fibroids to fake friends as we create space for black
women to just be.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
Before we dive in, make sure you hit that follow
button and leave us a quick five star review. Lady,
we are black founded and black owned, and your support
will help us reach even more women like you.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Now, let's get into this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.
It's doctor Do'm here from the Cultivating her Space podcast.
Are you currently a resident of the state of California
and contemplating starting your therapy journey? Well, if so, please
reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com.
(01:24):
That's d R D O M I N I Q.
U E b r O U S s ar d
dot com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. I
look forward to hearing from you, all right. Our quote
(01:44):
of the day of love is you creating and keeping
healthy boundaries. And that quote comes to us from therapists
Nader twelve. I'm gonna say that quote one more time
for the folks in the back to make sure you
heard it and you really let this one think in
(02:08):
heuff love is you creating and keeping healthy boundaries?
Speaker 1 (02:17):
All right?
Speaker 2 (02:18):
So see when you hear that quote and you think
about our topic for today, what comes up for you?
Speaker 1 (02:26):
Okay, So when I hear this quote, let me just
say this first, I agree with this quote wholeheartedly. I'm like,
hands up, I'm clapping, I'm stomping. This is the quote.
But thinking about what we're talking about today, it makes
me think about just my upbringing, and it's like boundaries.
What is a boundary? What you're setting a boundary? You're
(02:47):
creating and keeping healthy boundaries? Like what is that? Why
are you doing that? That is not love? So that's
what's coming up for me as far as what it
means in the context of my past and what my
family may have thought about a boundary. If that makes sense.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
Yep, yep, it okay does for you, I think your
experience isn't that far off from what other people's experience
may be. And so for me, I think when I
hear this quote, it's giving a more accurate definition on
(03:23):
what tough love looks like, right, because I think about
how people have typically said tough love and may you,
and it's often used when you may be implementing something
harsh or maybe even aggressive or very punitive and calling
(03:48):
it love. And for me, oftentimes those things that people
those behaviors, so usually I'm like, more specifically, what I'm
actually thinking about is like corporal punishments, thanking, that's not
tough love to me. In some instances that can actually
(04:08):
be abused, and so tough love is not about abuse.
Tough love to me, this definition feels like, or this
quote feels like the definition of tough love is it's
when you're able to create and keep boundaries. Because we
(04:30):
know that boundaries are for you and protecting your engagement
in relationships to other people, and that can be hard
to do. Hence the word tough.
Speaker 1 (04:45):
Hell, yes, it can, Oh my gosh, all right, well,
I guess it's time for us to dive into it. So, lady,
if you've ever found yourself emotionally drained while trying to
support someone you love through a mental health challenge, this
episode is for you.
Speaker 2 (05:03):
Yes, And so today what we're talking about is something
that doesn't often get discussed in our community, and it's
what is it like to care for someone who's navigating
a mental health challenge? And how do you show up
for them without losing yourself in the process.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
Oh, heavy on the losing yourself in the process, because
let's be real, lady, society has conditioned black women to
be righted, eyes, right strong, all the time caretakers. But
what happens when your cup is empty and you're still
expected to pour?
Speaker 2 (05:49):
Yes, that's a real question. That is a real question,
and today we're going to talk about what that can
look like and also give you some tools on how
to show up with love, care, compassion, and boundaries. So,
whether it's your mama, your partner, or your best friend,
(06:14):
mental health challenges we know don't only affect the person
who's experiencing them. It affects everyone around them. And before
we go further into the conversation, I do want to
put the caveat out there that in today's episode we're
(06:36):
talking about mental health challenges like anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder.
We can have a different episode. We will have a
different episode where we speak specifically about neuro divergence or
navigating mental health challenges with young children, because those things
(06:57):
are different and we want to ignite knowledge that. And
so let me just reiterate that this episode is about
supporting someone with anxiety, depression, bipolar and similar things.
Speaker 1 (07:16):
Thank you for that distinction. I think that's super important.
And I guess it might make sense to start with
caregiving first, right before we dive deeper into the conversation.
And don I just want to I want to ask
you what why do you think caregiving is an important
place to begin this conversation. So I'm sure there's some
(07:36):
you know, backstory behind that. So what is the importance
of that, because I think many of us can relate
to that role.
Speaker 2 (07:43):
Well, I think that is exactly that, right, is that
a lot of a lot of us And when I
say us, you know, I mean I'm speaking about Black
women often find ourselves in caregiving roles. And so whether
that is like I mentioned, before your parents, your partner,
(08:06):
your friends, your children, your coworkers, your neighbors, your church members,
the lady in Learne at the grocery store. There are
lots of ways in which black women often find themselves
and spaces where people are leaning on them and expecting
(08:29):
them to show up and take care of the situation,
to fix things right. And let's be honest, some of
us thrive in that. Some of us think it out interesting.
(08:51):
Now that's a whole different topic for another day. What
I think that we are in this role over caregiver.
What that then means is that we are often the
ones who are noticing the changes and who are expected
(09:12):
to address any issues that may come up. And so
when it comes to understanding supporting someone who is navigating
mental health challenges, if you're the caregiver, then that means
you are the person who's noticing the changes that that person,
(09:32):
that this person is experiencing. Yeah, and you may be
tasked with addressing those changes.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
Okay, So I think we need to dig a bit
deeper into this because as I heard, as I was
looking at the word caregiver, I'm thinking about both of
our experiences as like a perventified children. I'm thinking about
when I was raising my younger siblings and like taking
on that mother figure role. But I know we're not
talking necessarily talking about caregiving in that sense, So it
sounds to me like caregiving here is like this unofficial
(10:07):
title that we get in I'm thinking about what it
looks like in action, and so I'm just going to
give an example, Dom and I'd love to hear your
perspective on this, but I'm thinking about me growing up
in this very tense, toxic, dysfunctional environment where I was
definitely an observer. So I'm like, I'm peeping everyone's energy,
(10:32):
the mood. I'm also the peacemaker, so I'm like figuring out, Okay, wait,
what's the mood? Like let me show up in this
way because this is what the dynamic looks like, and
I want to make it more comfortable. And I'm thinking
about the relationship with my mom, in particular with a
very strong personality, someone who you know, was abusive when
I was younger, and me navigating the I'm trying to
(10:54):
figure out even how to explain, and me navigating the
unexpected behaviors that she showed up with. That's what That's
what you were kind of referring to a scenario similar
to that.
Speaker 2 (11:05):
Yes, yes, and that and I think and thank you
for providing that example because we can look like that, right.
And what I love about you sharing that example is
that that is the example that go that might go unnoticed.
We might not label them as being a caregiver in
the traditional sense of caregiver, right, because another example of
(11:31):
the more traditional sense of caregiver is someone who is
expected to, oh, who takes on the role of their
parent is aging or their parent is experiencing physical challenges, right.
(11:52):
And I'm intentional about using that word physical, right, because
I want to make the distinction here. And and so
that person then becomes the one who shows up to
make sure that their parents takes care of all their
is at their medical appointments, right, might work with them
(12:15):
on changing their living situation. And so they're tending to
the financial, the emotional, the physical needs of that aging parent.
Speaker 1 (12:30):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:31):
And so that's so that caregiver role is one that
we are more easily able to identify. As such, the
example that you gave is caregiving, but we might not
label it in this We might not give it that
specific label, but it is the same.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
Okay, that's really important. I'm glad. I'm glad that you
said that because I think that I'm assuming lady. As
you listen to the episode, you're probably putting yourself in
a different box or multiple boxes based on how we're
framing the definitions and the conversation. So should we talk
about signs that someone you love maybe dealing with the
mental health challenge?
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Yes, And I think it's important to talk about what
it to be able to identify what it looks like. Yeah,
because we can't get help if we don't know that
help is needed. So quick, feel simple things, right, changes
(13:32):
in communication or behavior, and I'll give I'll run through,
and then I'll come back with some examples. Right, So
changes in communication, our behavior, gifts in their daily functioning,
physical or emotional red flags. Those are usually like the
broad category, right, examples of changes in communicate in communication
(13:56):
or behavior, you notice that that person is withdrawing or
isolating themselves from the people that are around them. So
this person is usually ready to engage with everybody. Doesn't
mean that they're trying to have hours long conversation, but
(14:18):
they can readily engage. And now you see that they
like you're observing that they're not trying to even do
the basic engagement of oh, how is your day to day.
Another sign of changes in communication is this person is
mapping or like having what feel like big emotional reactions
(14:42):
to things that normally would not garner such a reaction,
right or the opposite, that they all of a sudden
are silent. So things that typically might go oner some
level of response, they're saying nothing about it. Words they
(15:09):
may use or phrases I'm tired of all of this.
It would be better if I weren't here, and we'll
circle back to what you can do to phrases like that.
But things like that, that's a change in communication or behavior.
That's something that you're noticing that they weren't doing before.
(15:31):
Some of the shifts in their daily functioning. Their sleep
has changed, so either they're sleeping way too much or
way too little, and it's not related to a specific
change in overall circumstances. Right I think about right now
at the time that we're recording this episode, it's the summer.
(15:55):
Teenagers like to sleep a lot in the summer, especially
when they don't have to beat up at like six
or seven am. That in and of itself is not
a concern. But fast forward to we're in October and
that teenager consistently leaps through their alarm, frequently late for
(16:20):
school because they have this need to fleep for ten
or twelve hours. Or maybe it's the opposite. Maybe you
notice someone who normally leaps seven to eight hours, all
of a sudden sleeping only three or four hours. So
you're noticing a change, right. They're no longer interested in
the things that they typically engage in, things that you
(16:44):
know they get excited about. They're no longer trying to
do those things. Poor hygiene, so they stop doing things
like taking a shower. If you know that. If you
notice that this is someone who regularly keeps their hair done,
and all of a sudden, they're no longer tending to
(17:06):
their hair. That person who had the bi weekly male appointment,
it's been months since they've been to the nail salon,
and it's not for financial reasons. You notice an increased
use of substances as a coping mechanism. So whether that's alcohol, marijuana, caffeine, nicotine,
(17:33):
or tobacco, they're increasing the use in substance to cope
with changes in their in their life, and then the
other thing that we might not pay attention to. If
they have physical symptoms that go on there are unexplainable,
(17:55):
so they have certain apes in their body, frequent headache,
con set fatigue, so they're getting enough sleep, but they
still feel fatigued. They express feelings of deep sadness or hopelessness,
or you find them apologizing for saying, oh, I'm sorry,
(18:17):
I feel like this might be too much. I hope
I'm not being a burden, or maybe even they start
expressing signs of paranoia or fear that feel irrational for
us as black people, because I want to point out
and acknowledge that as Black people, there is a certain
(18:38):
level of cultural paranoia that exists within our community. When
you find that it's beyond that, then those are signs
that someone is experiencing some mental health challenges.
Speaker 1 (18:53):
Gotcha, this is very helpful. I'm processing, I'm taking notes
and like writing questions as we discussed this because a
couple of things are coming up for me and I
as the therapist, I am like looking to you for
this conversation because I know this is your world, this
is this is your life's work right now, right this
is what you are, This is what you deal with, right,
(19:13):
And so when as you were sharing those, a couple
of things came up for me. One, I was thinking
about the fact that, okay, now that we're going over
the signs, it sounds like this is the first step.
It's acknowledgment. So you realize the signs and someone and
you're sitting to yourself and like, okay, you're kind of
like making the mental no, or maybe you're writing it
down and you're like, okay, I'm noticing this, this and this.
So the first step is acknowledgment. Now let me know
(19:33):
if I'm jumping too much ahead, because now I'm trying
to categorize this. I'm thinking about people in my life
who've experienced where I've seen some of these signs, and
there's like one group where it feels more like a season.
I'm going to call it, like a season of signs,
where like it's a friend I can support them through it.
And then there's another category of people where it's like
(19:56):
it's been like ten plus years, this is a pattern
of signs. This is like who you are. This is
not necessarily I'm going through a rough passion, but like
this is who you are. And I have found that
I've navigated those two sort of buckets of people differently.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
Yes, And I also want to be careful about saying
this is who you are. I would rephrase that to
this is persistent and pervasive, because I think that there
are some people who can go their whole life experiencing
(20:32):
certain mental health challenges and never get help. Yes, and
it still doesn't mean that that is who they are
at their core.
Speaker 1 (20:42):
Yeah, that's a good point. It's like it's more having
more compassion and understanding that they aren't necessarily their diagnosis,
but like they're showing up in this way right because
they may not be getting the help that they need.
I like that. That makes sense, That makes perfect sense.
I appreciate that.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
And I also I also want to distinguish between someone
who is experiencing what we would call severe mental illness
versus someone who may be experiencing something seasonally or for
a short period of time. Yeah, and so or what
(21:21):
might be functional mental health challenges. Right, So, typically someone
who is experent thing like severe mental illness is it's
a what we would consider like a chronic psychiatric condition,
so it significantly impairs that person's ability to think, their
(21:44):
overall behavior, their mood, and most importantly, their ability to
function in day to day life. Someone with severe mental
illness is usually someone who requires like ongoing support. Sometime
of it might involve hospitalization. It may often involve theory
(22:07):
of medications. And so that might look that might be
schizophrenia or someone's experiencing like hallucination, delusion and disorganized thinking.
It could be someone with severe bipolar one disorder, where
they're experiencing extreme like mood swings so and then finding
(22:30):
themselves engaging in like risky behavior, having a whole lot
of energy and grandiose thinking and engagement, and then going
into deep depression. And then there may be people who
have like get so effective disorder, which is kind of
a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar. And then someone who
(22:52):
may be have severe major depressive disorder with frequent suicidal
ideation and attempts or psychotic features. And when we say
psychotic features, things that kind of resemble diisophrenice, those hallucinations
and delusions, and so again, the thing to remember is
(23:18):
out how much is this disrupting this person's ability to
function in their day to day life. If this person.
Is this person still able to go to work, to socialize,
to take care of themselves. Right. If the answer is yes,
then they may be anxious or depressed. If not, it
(23:40):
may be something else. And again I want to also
emphasize that it is not your job as the caregiver
or the loved one to diate notes what might be
going on. Now. Your jobs identify, well, I think you
(24:01):
may be schizoprenic, and even labeling it like that, right,
saying I think you may be schizophrenic could be a
sensive right, yeah, And so it's not your job to
do that, even if you are a training and a
health provider, not your job to do that. But if
(24:21):
you are noticing some of these changes, we'll talk a
little bit later about what you can do.
Speaker 1 (24:29):
I'm taking it all in dollars. I'm processing because there
are so many thoughts coming up. One of the things
I'm thinking about is the fact that one, I'm grateful
that we're going over the signs because even as we
went over the signs, I'm trying to like put it
into the context of my life to get a better understanding.
And I'm like, oh, I've had I've experienced some of
these signs when I was going through you know, seasons
of depression and things of that nature. Right, So I'm
seeing that. But it's also really helpful to see the
(24:51):
distinction between severe mental illness and then the general signs
that we went over before, because we can't you can't
see this on someone, right, Like, so you may see
someone and we assume, oh this people, I'm going to
use air quotes, Okay, you look normal, but it's like,
what is normal really?
Speaker 2 (25:08):
Right?
Speaker 1 (25:08):
What is that? And we all watch stuff, but what
is that? We all have stuff below the surface. So
I'm just like processing and taking it in because it's
also giving me more compassion for people who have a
chemical imbalance that they often cannot control. But because I've
interacted and loved people who experience some of this, it
(25:30):
can be challenging to navigate on a day to day
basis when you have your own shit going on. You're like,
I got my own mental hook stuff going on, and
then they have theirs. How do I, where do I
fit in? How can I support when you're going through that?
And how to also not take it personally? So that's
all like, those are all the things that are processing.
Speaker 2 (25:48):
Did you share yes, yes, And so I think that's
important to point out, right, And so what do we
do when we start to notice the signs? Well, to me,
it's like you mentioned, like you mentioned a moment ago.
It's it's about having compassion and grace, right, And it's
approaching them from a space of care and concern without
(26:12):
making the person feel judged or ashamed.
Speaker 1 (26:15):
Right.
Speaker 2 (26:17):
And if this is someone that you love and care
about and they love and care about you, they consense
when you're coming from a place of genuine concern versus
trying to control them or control the situation. Right. So
(26:41):
we have a few, a few ways, a few tips
on how to approach when, how to broach that conversation
when you are noticing a change in your loved one,
all right, so that person one, Yes, that first one
is to lead with love and not labels. So you
(27:04):
can say something like, hey, I notice you've been a
little bit more quiet lately, and I just want to
check in, like how were you really doing?
Speaker 1 (27:15):
And don't and not the oh.
Speaker 2 (27:17):
I'm fine or I'm good. No, how are you really doing?
Speaker 1 (27:22):
So that goes back to what you said earlier. We're
not diagnosing people, even if you see someone you're like, listen,
I think this is what's going on. We're not diagnosing
lead with love, not labels, and just get curious. I
like that. And that takes us to number two, which
is ask open ended questions that are non pressuring. So
instead of like, what's wrong with you? Why are you
acting like that? Why are you acting fundy? Why are
(27:42):
you being different? It's like, how have things been feeling
for you lately? What's been going on in your world lately?
Speaker 2 (27:49):
Right?
Speaker 1 (27:49):
So that's a yeah, that's a good one too.
Speaker 2 (27:52):
Yes, And I know our temptation to go like, what's
wrong with you exactly? That's not that's going to put
someone's guard up, right, So there's next for him avoid
minimizing their feeling. This is the common one that I
(28:13):
hear about. Yeah, the well, at least you're not dealing
with ABC and D, right, or oh you'll be fine.
That's all when you say when you respond in that way,
when an after a person has opened up to you
about what they're experiencing, even if for you, and oftentimes
(28:37):
it's coming from a place it could be coming from
a place of you're comparing it to your own current
experiences and maybe you're going through more. You're going through
a lot right now. I drop to compare apples and oranges.
What feels like a hundred for that person may only
feel like ten to you. But if you but you
(29:00):
don't want to come across a dismissive because what feels
like one hundred to you might only feel like five
to them.
Speaker 1 (29:07):
Mm hmm. Now what what does that look like in action?
Cause I'm thinking about if a friend comes, you know, like, girl,
my gosh, I'm so forwhelmed. I got this going on,
I got this thing to pay, I'm you know, this
situation over here, Like what what would be a good
response where it isn't dismissive, where you're like, oh, well
somebody else has it worse than you, or oh I'm
(29:28):
going through it too, Like what would be an ideal
response to make them feel heard?
Speaker 2 (29:32):
You know, it sounds like you're going through a lot
right now. It sounds like you are navigating more than
what you're used to.
Speaker 1 (29:42):
M hm. That's good.
Speaker 2 (29:46):
Keep it as simple as that.
Speaker 1 (29:48):
Yeah, I love it, and that takes its number four.
Number four is probably my favorite because I'm like, oh,
I don't go I don't have no solutions right, offer support,
not solutions, right, And I have all the answers, but
you can be there. Your presence oftentimes can be a gift.
And I found you. I'm just listening, just listening to someone,
(30:10):
letting them vent and sometimes you know what else? I
think we've talked about this as well, one of your favorites, Dom.
It's like, how can I support you? Yes? On in there. Yes,
I received that, and I know we've talked about it
on the show as well, which I love because it
opens the door if someone does know how they can
be supported.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
And so to add on to that, because I've heard
people say, well, what do I do if I if
someone asks me how they can support me and I
don't know, you can say that, you can say I
appreciate you checking in. Yes, I really don't know what
(30:48):
how I need, what support I need right now? When
I'm able to identify it, I'll let you know. Or
you can say I don't know what help I need
right now? Can you help me? Can I explain more
of what's going on and you can help me think
through what may be supportive And I'm not asking you
(31:11):
to volunteer for that, but if you could help me
generate what may be supportive.
Speaker 1 (31:17):
That is excellent, that is a great one. And so
what I was going to say is it kind of
piggybacks off of that. So something I'll usually ask is
do you want after they ask you know, I ask
about support, do you want advice? Or do you want
me to just listen? And I think sometimes that can
be helpful because sometimes the answer is give me some advice.
Speaker 2 (31:36):
I need.
Speaker 1 (31:36):
I need a voice of reasoning right now. Sometimes it's like,
don't say shit, just listen, just let me vent. And
that's cool too, yes, And.
Speaker 2 (31:45):
I think then that takes us to our last stip,
and it's no when to encourage professional help. Know your limits. Remember,
even if you are a therapist, it is not your
job to be the therapist for your friends and family.
And so if someone is so, whether they're showing signs
(32:06):
of like significant distress, if they're doing that, if they're
showing signs of significant distress or suicidal thoughts, it's time
to intervene with professional health and you can offer to
help them find someone. If someone's immediately expressing suiticidal thoughts,
then you can reach out to a crisis line or
(32:30):
take them to urgent care. If someone is not in
that level of distress, but it's clear that they could
benefit from professional health, you can offer that suggestion. You
can say, you know, I think it may be helpful
to seek some additional support. So maybe a therapist or
(32:54):
whatever other support might be beneficial to that person. That
person might be or open to love it, and so,
you know, I think the thing that is really important
throughout all of this is what we talked about at
the beginning about setting boundaries that as we mentioned, it
(33:19):
is not your job to be that person's therapist. And
I know that for some people there may come a
point where you are not able to provide any level
of support, and that's important to acknowledge. You have to
(33:42):
understand and identify your own capacity and then be able
to set boundaries based on your capacity.
Speaker 1 (33:50):
I'm going to see my hand. Okay, listen, because when
you said this, all right, what does it look like
in action to set the boundary? Because I'm thinking about
a couple of situations where there were friends who we're
going through a rough season and I've gone through my
own seasons as well, and we support one another, right,
but I think that I'm thinking about the more I
(34:11):
want to say, drastic situations where the season is prolonged
and the support becomes it starts to impact you know,
you as a person because you're trying to support that
person and it feels like dumbing. I was talking to
a friend and they were saying like, oh my gosh,
this person calls and they just want to dump and
I don't have the capacity to do that. I got
my own stuff going, And so what does it look
(34:31):
like to want to be there for someone but to
set a boundary of like, I can't just I can't
be on the phone for hours and just listen, you know,
like I can't. I'm unable to do that. What does
that look like?
Speaker 2 (34:43):
Yeah, so what that can look like is identifying. So
let's say if you're saying that you know you want
what you have capacity to do is to listen, but
you don't have capacity to listen every day for hours.
You can set you set lip it's with that person
and you say, okay, I want I'm here to support
(35:08):
you within limit because I have things that I have
to do for myself and I cannot. I'm not at
this point. I am not a trained professional. And even
if I was a trained professional, it's not. It's not
my job to be your therapist. It sounds like in
this it sounds like it seems like, based on your
(35:31):
current need that you're expressing to me, that therapy may
be a beneficial option. What I'm available to do. I
can do a quick five minute check in every day
via text and once a week or once every two
weeks or whatever cadence feels right for you. I can
(35:56):
set aside time to listen. But for you, as the
loved one, you have to determine what your capacity is,
what your real capacity is. And I think that's the
thing that I want to distinguish, right what your real
capacity is. Just because you have five hours you got
(36:17):
off work early and you have five hours that are
now free in your evening doesn't mean that those five
hours are available for you to listen or problem solve
or get involved in someone's mental health challenges. That's not
(36:40):
helpful to you or to them. And so you have
those five hours, you say, okay, I have about an hour,
Because my guess is that person who's experiencing those mental
health challenges, by the time you finished supporting them, you
(37:00):
may be feeling emotionally drained. And if five hours of
free time is what you have, and you give them
those full five hours. Now where is your energy to
finish the rest of your day? And so you set
off on an hour, support them within that hour, and
(37:22):
then you take some time for your own self care.
So maybe you go on a walk, maybe you meditate,
maybe you journal, you do something to pour back into yourself,
because you've poured out now, right, so do something to
pour back into yourself so that you can continue with
(37:44):
the rest of your day.
Speaker 1 (37:45):
I love it. Okay, let's get into these practical tips
on how to show up with boundaries. So number one,
it feels like a little bit of a recap is
like validate their experience, which we talked a little bit
about before, but don't try to fix them, right, so
have bearing back what they said or just being there
to support and listen. And like you said earlier time,
I love the statement that you that you shared when
(38:07):
I asked you what is what does that look like
in action? And you said it sounds like you're going through.
You have a lot on your plate right now, more
than usual, and so being able to validate the experiences
is really helpful.
Speaker 2 (38:17):
Yes, And the key there is it's not your job
to solve the problem. Yes, So the next the next
boundary is learning the basics of their diagnosis, right, and
and so you look for trusted sources and you identify
what are trusted sources that can offer diagnoses or helping
(38:41):
you to understand the basics of their diagnoses. And again,
it's not your job to diagnose them, it's to help
you once they've received the diagnosis. This is to help
you understand what that really looks like and how how
you can support them with their specific diagnosis. So resources
(39:01):
like NAMI SO the National Institute, and mental illness resources
such as maybe Therapy for Black Girls Psychology Today. There
are a number of resources and we'll put more of
them in the show notes so that you can understand
the basics of how to show up and support based
on that person's specific diagnosis.
Speaker 1 (39:23):
I love that one, too, done because it can really
help to not again not take things personally, because sometimes
if you don't know what's going on beneath the surface,
you just like, why are you acting like this? Or
why they do this to me? But it can be
really helpful when you have that you understand the diagnosis
and it allows you to show up in a supportive way.
Number three is communicate clearly. So again going back to
(39:45):
those statements, those questions, those open ended questions, what you
need from me right now? How can I support you?
Or you know what? I don't have the capacity right
now to do that, but checking in to see if
they have other support, you know, methods, and there's.
Speaker 2 (40:01):
Yes. I think that's that the communication is key being
and so I really want to emphasize that importance of
being very clear and specific. Yeah, what do you need
from me right down? I have ten minutes and then
you stick to those ten minutes, right, So you have
(40:22):
to be clear exactly exactly. So number four is to
create their plans and safety plans if needed, and so
particularly for some if you have a loved one who
may have suicidal thoughts or may have aaronoia, you want
(40:44):
to create help them create safety plans that if they
find themselves having suicidal thoughts, when do they reach out
to you? Versus when do they need to reach out
to emergency services right or christ of popline? Are they
(41:06):
feeling low? What do they need to do? So a
care plan might be more of like so today I
woke up and I'm not feeling well, What do I
need to do? When can I call Terry when I'm
feeling low? At what point is it okay for me
to call Terry? And if I can't call Terry, who
(41:26):
do I call? And identifying what are the various support systems?
Speaker 1 (41:32):
Yes, and also maybe even like key like not even
not a keyword, but like a not a cold word.
I'm trying to think of a certain you know what
I'm trying that might be that might be a cold word,
Like if you're busy and it's like I can't get
to the phone, but like I need to talk to
someone right now, you send that cold word so that
when I see that on the phone, I know I
need to call you immediately. If I'm part of that
(41:54):
you know, safety plan and the sports system. Yes, I
think that could be important because we're so many of
us are so busy. Right And number five here is
leverage professional help, so therapy support groups, hotlines down. This
makes me think about there were various rough patches in
life where family was going through certain things, and I
found that my therapy sessions kind of became like family
(42:16):
sessions where I was talking to my therapist about what
my family member or loved one was going through because
I was like, shit, I need I need support because
I' supporting this person. So I need support now to
help fill my cup and help me process this and
do it in a way that's going to allow me
to have my mental health intact. But then also kind
of blending steps four and five here tips four and
(42:39):
five is I found myself also referring my therapist to
certain family members because it was like, all right, I
love you and I want to support you, and I
also got I have my own mental I need to
make sure my mental health is good because I'm going
through stuff. So let me give you this therapist that
you can now work with to process what you're going
through as well.
Speaker 2 (42:57):
Yes, and I think that's important and that can be
key in setting those boundaries right of like here's my
limit on how I can support you. Now it's time
to bring in the profession. And so a quick wrap
up of these boundaries of setting tips on boundary setting.
(43:17):
With supporting someone with mental health challenges, you validate their experience,
you learn the basics of their diagnosis, You communicate clearly,
you can help them create care and safety plans, and
then you leverage professional health. I know that today's episode
(43:42):
today's topic may have felt insense, or it may have
felt like it only scritches the surface of the questions
that you have on supporting a loved one with mental
health challenges, and so in our show notes will include
links to various resources that we think will be helpful
(44:04):
for you in navigating because, as this episode demonstrates, it's
a parallel in terms of what we're able to do
in this episode, what we're able to offer in this
episode versus what you are able to offer to your
friends and family. We can't do it all. And when
(44:29):
we know we can't do it all, we also bring
in reinforcements, so check our show notes for those reinforcements.
Speaker 1 (44:36):
If you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure if your next steps,
this is for you. Hey, lady, is Tea here and
I just want to invite you to my free goal
map like a pro coaching workshop, where I'll share the
five proven steps to get unstuck and achieve your goals.
Whether you're feeling overwhelmed by all your ideas, juggling scattered ideas,
(44:58):
or maybe you just need confidence, start this workshot will
give you the clarity, tools and the motivation to take
back control. Reserve your spot for free by visiting her
spacepodcast dot com and clicking on the goal map like
a pro webinar link. Lady, don't miss this chance to
build a roadmap that fits your life and set you
up for success. I hope to see you there.
Speaker 2 (45:21):
Thanks for tuning into Cultivating her Space. Remember that while
this podcast is all about healing, empowerment, and resilience, it's
not a substitute for therapy. If you are someone you
know need support, check out resources like Therapy for Black
Girls or Psychology Today. If you love today's episode, do
(45:43):
us a favor and share it with a friend who
needs some inspiration, or leave us a quick five star review.
Your support means the world to us and helps keep
this space thriving.
Speaker 1 (45:55):
And before we meet again, repeat after me under my
journey by balancing effort and rest to achieve my goals.
Keep thriving, Lady, and tune in next Friday for more
inspiration from Cultivating her Space. In the meantime, be sure
to connect with us on Instagram at her Space Podcast
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