August 22, 2025 • 55 mins
Hey lady! This week, Terri and Dr. Dom tackle a potentially touchy topic – feedback, and the equally touchy topic of how to give it and how to receive it. After listening to this episode, you will be armed with tools for your personal toolkit so that you walk through life with grace, class and style.
As each day turns the necessity of having a strong community to lean on becomes ever more present. Community isn’t a fantasy of make-believe relationships, it’s network of relationships built over time through authenticity, communication, skills, and trust. Without those elements living with other humans and their thoughts and behaviors can become difficult. There are strategies you can use when presented with an opportunity to grow via feedback and with practice you can become a person that maintains your sovereignty while being a strong communicator. So, how do you develop and strengthen the muscle of giving and receiving feedback? How does one cultivate a healthy relationship with offering perspective in a way that is constructive and supportive?
Dr. Dom and Terri offer a selection of common scenarios with actionable steps in how to engage with the other person skillfully. Knowing how to process feedback and how to implement or disagree is a key step in growing yourself in authenticity and in community.
Interested in customizing your toolkit in a way that feels real to you? Head to the Cultivating H.E.R. Space shop and grab a journal and think through your action plan. We’d love to hear from you about how you’re going to make receiving feedback a strength of yours. Holla at us in our Patreon and let us know how you handle difficult conversations and constructive criticism.
Quote of the Day:
"Feedback is a gift — and it’s okay to unwrap it slowly."
– Unknown
Goal Map Like a Pro Workbook Cultivating
H.E.R. Space Sanctuary
Resources:
Dr. Dom’s Therapy Practice
Branding with Terri
Melanin and Mental Health
Therapy for Black Girls
Psychology Today
Therapy for QPOC
Where to find us:
Twitter: @HERspacepodcast
Instagram: @herspacepodcast
Facebook: @herspacepodcast
Website: cultivatingherspace.com
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/cultivating-h-e-r-space-uplifting-conversations-for-the-black-woman--5470036/support.
As each day turns the necessity of having a strong community to lean on becomes ever more present. Community isn’t a fantasy of make-believe relationships, it’s network of relationships built over time through authenticity, communication, skills, and trust. Without those elements living with other humans and their thoughts and behaviors can become difficult. There are strategies you can use when presented with an opportunity to grow via feedback and with practice you can become a person that maintains your sovereignty while being a strong communicator. So, how do you develop and strengthen the muscle of giving and receiving feedback? How does one cultivate a healthy relationship with offering perspective in a way that is constructive and supportive?
Dr. Dom and Terri offer a selection of common scenarios with actionable steps in how to engage with the other person skillfully. Knowing how to process feedback and how to implement or disagree is a key step in growing yourself in authenticity and in community.
Interested in customizing your toolkit in a way that feels real to you? Head to the Cultivating H.E.R. Space shop and grab a journal and think through your action plan. We’d love to hear from you about how you’re going to make receiving feedback a strength of yours. Holla at us in our Patreon and let us know how you handle difficult conversations and constructive criticism.
Quote of the Day:
"Feedback is a gift — and it’s okay to unwrap it slowly."
– Unknown
Goal Map Like a Pro Workbook Cultivating
H.E.R. Space Sanctuary
Resources:
Dr. Dom’s Therapy Practice
Branding with Terri
Melanin and Mental Health
Therapy for Black Girls
Psychology Today
Therapy for QPOC
Where to find us:
Twitter: @HERspacepodcast
Instagram: @herspacepodcast
Facebook: @herspacepodcast
Website: cultivatingherspace.com
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/cultivating-h-e-r-space-uplifting-conversations-for-the-black-woman--5470036/support.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space, feedback doesn't
define your worth. It literally is highlighting the next opportunity
for you to grow right. And like you said, separating
who I am from what I did is a skill
that keeps us coachable so that we can take the
feedback and realize, like, this doesn't define me.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
Hey lady, have you ever felt like the world just
doesn't get you? Well, we do.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
Welcome to Cultivating her Space, the podcast dedicated to uplifting
and empowering women like you.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
We're your hosts, doctor Dominique Grussard and educator and psychologists.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
And Terry Lomax, a techie and transformational speaker.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
Join us every week for authentic conversations about everything from
fibroids to fake friends as we create space for black
women to just be.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
Before we dive in, make sure you hit that fill
up button and leave us a quick five star review. Lady.
We are black founded and black owned, and your support
will help us reach even more women like you.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Now, let's get into this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
If you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure of your next steps,
this is for you, Hey, lady. Is tea here, and
I just want to invite you to my free goal
map like a pro coaching workshop, where I'll share the
five proven steps to get unstuck and achieve your goals.
Whether you're feeling overwhelmed by all your ideas, juggling scattered ideas,
(01:36):
or maybe you just need confidence to start, this workshop
will give you the clarity, tools and the motivation to
take back control. Reserve your spot for free by visiting
her spacepodcast dot com and clicking on the goal map
like a pro webinar link. Lady, don't miss this chance
to build a roadmap that fits your life and set
you up for success. I hope to see you there.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
Our quote of the day, feedback is a gift and
it's okay to unwrap it slowly. All Right, I'm gonna
say that quote one more time for the folks in
the back. Make sure you really pay attention.
Speaker 3 (02:16):
To this quote.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
Feedback is a gift, and it's okay to unwrap it slowly.
Speaker 4 (02:27):
A r T.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
When you hear this quote.
Speaker 3 (02:30):
What comes to mind.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
For you when I hear this quote? The first part
of it, feedback is a gift. Although I know that
to be true, sometimes it doesn't feel like a gift.
And I think at the same time, feedback can be
a mirror and it can reveal to us things that
we not things that we may not be able to
see about ourselves that can help us grow. So instead
(02:54):
of opening that feedback, that feedback gift like a Christmas
present that you're excited for. Sometimes you have to open
it slowly because it might hurt your feelings, it might
make you feel the way. Sometimes you gotta ease it
open so you can take it, you know, and process
it at your speed. So that's what I think of
when I hear this quote, what about.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
You, Yes, I think it's similar for me, right that, like, okay,
so I don't have to hurry up and open it
right away and pull out all the things and look
at everything all at once. To me, this quote is
(03:31):
a reminder that it's okay to slow that process all
the way down, right, that maybe today all I do
is take the wrapping off, right maybe tomorrow it's I
then open it and look and see what's inside. And
(03:52):
then the next day after that I come back and
I pull out what's inside. And so it's a reminder
that it doesn't have to be resolved, be dealt with
all at once, right.
Speaker 1 (04:12):
Best Lord? Okay, So I guess we might as well
just dig right into this topic. So, Lady, today we're
talking about something that a lot of us say we're
open to, but in the moment, it can be hard
to actually do. And I'm guilty of this as well. Okay,
it's receiving feedback. Whether it's from your kids, our parents,
(04:32):
our partner, or someone we deeply respect, feedback can bring
up a lot of feelings, and if we're honest, it
can hit even harder when it comes from someone you
love and someone you respect. Right, So today we're talking
about ocive feedback with grace, self awareness, and a little
self compassion, because that's important as well. We're also going
to break down what happens in the moment, how to
(04:54):
respond instead of reacting, and how to process what you've
heard without losing yourself in it. So let's get into it.
I feel we should talk about why this topic is
important because people may hear it, but I think that
it's a there's some context that should be late, I
guess before we dive in.
Speaker 2 (05:16):
Yes, and I think part of that context is really
understanding that we have episodes where we talk about receiving
feedback in general, right, and what to do about feedback
in the workplace. But this particular topic about parents and
children and that relationship is such an important topic that
(05:41):
oftentimes we as in the community society at large, don't
talk about it from this perspective of how do you,
as the parent or the caregiver or the person in
that important person in a child's life, how do you
(06:04):
receive feedback from them? What do you do with that
feedback that.
Speaker 3 (06:09):
You receive from them?
Speaker 2 (06:11):
I think for me why this topic is so important
right now is because I think about the college students
that I work with, and oftentimes something that comes up
in session is having conversations, difficult conversations with their parents
(06:34):
where they are trying to give their parents some feedback
and the parents just don't want to hear it. And
as I'm listening, I find myself in the space of
understanding both sides, right, recognizing that there may be moments
(06:54):
for the parent where it's hard to receive that feedback,
and also having the moment of.
Speaker 3 (07:04):
You're not grown enough.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
Yet to give me feedback.
Speaker 1 (07:06):
Okay, what do you know?
Speaker 2 (07:07):
What do you know about this?
Speaker 1 (07:09):
Right?
Speaker 2 (07:10):
But then also thinking about it from that college student's
perspective of Okay, I've been living away from home long
enough now where I can see some things with a
different different lens. Yeah, And I'm learning about myself and
I'm looking at the ways in which we grew up,
(07:32):
the way I was raised, and this ain't it. Y'all
made some mistakes and now want to let y'all know
about it. And it's a complicated thing, right, very much so,
whether you're whether you're that child giving the feedback or
that parent receiving it. And I'm speaking specifically of like
(07:55):
working with college students, but I also think about the littles.
So when I say the littles, I mean like the
you know, the the under eighteen, the under ten.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
Right, because they have feedback too.
Speaker 2 (08:10):
Oh yes, and some of their feedback has no filter.
It's just out there, right yea. And what do you
do with that? Right? Like your three year old is
giving you feedback like, and it's unfiltered. It's just it's
raw and you might not have been ready for it, right, yes,
(08:34):
Or you are grown grown, like you a full adult,
got kids of your own, and you're trying to give
your parents some feedback about how they parented you and
how willing are they to receive that feedback, how open
are they to that feedback, And so it's a multi
(08:54):
generational conversation that we're going to be we're talking about today.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
That was such a good overview, Dom. I couldn't agree more.
And I would say, also, it's important because how we
handle feedback it really does impact how our relationship with
people progresses, right. Like I think about for myself, you know,
trying to give my mom feedback as an adult when
I realized certain things and wanted to talk to about it,
(09:22):
and I was very tactful in the way that I
went to her with certain feedback, but there were certain
things that she just wasn't able to didn't have the
capacity to hold or handle, and a lot of that
has to do with why we are not in relationship today.
I think about my dad on the other hand, when
I would give him feedback and he was open, right like,
he responded in a certain way, and so we've been
able to have a healthy dialogue about some of those things.
(09:42):
And then, like you said, my four year old who
gives me feedback as well, And I want to hold
space for the feedback that she has because I want
to keep that feedback loop going in our relationship. And
then the last thing I want to share is dom
you talked about the parentals. You talked about like the
different generational I guess the generational connections that we have
when it comes to feedback, but I also think about
(10:03):
some of us who were perentified children, who our younger
siblings kind of look at us like parents at or
at some point in their lives, they looked at us
as parents. And now that my younger siblings who I
raise are older, they've had feedback for me, and I've
held space to have that conversation with them and receive
that feedback in again, it's all, it's so impactful and
(10:24):
it really does it really does matter, right because we
want to keep these relationships healthy and growing. So that
is why this conversation is important, lady, as you're listening,
it may not be the easiest conversation to have, but
it's something necessary if you are on the growth journey.
So let's get into it.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
So when I think about the feedback that like if
someone if you are the parent, you are the adult,
and you are receiving the feedback right.
Speaker 3 (10:56):
One of the.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
Things that immediately comes up for me is what do
you do in that moment? Right, like you're because oftentimes
when I think about it, and we'll have a whole
part too where we talk about the steps to take
if you're the person delivering the feedback, right, yeah, but
this episode is about the person receiving it.
Speaker 3 (11:18):
So one of the.
Speaker 2 (11:20):
Things that I often talk to my students about is
if you're going to be if you're going to give
the feedback, like, invite that person in for a conversation,
don't blind side them, yes, because I think about so
if you are that person who is blindsided, like your
(11:41):
child comes up to you and says, hey, I got it.
We you know, I want to talk to you, and
it's not a when do you when it would be
a good time for us to talk, it's I got
some feedback for you, right, And in reality, oftentimes it's
(12:02):
not even they don't even preface it. Yeah, they might
dive right in to giving you that feedback. And so
what tends to happen in that moment? Oftentimes it's a
bodily reaction, right, Like I think about like your body,
(12:26):
like physically, like all of your muscles kind of like
tensing up, like you're prepared for warfare, right, yes, And
because you're you might be feeling attacked and so your
body tenses up. Maybe you find yourself like holding your
(12:48):
breath and you don't even realize it, right, And then
like you're bracing. It's like you're bracing yourself for impact
and you're on the defense. And maybe maybe you might
also be feeling embarrassed. There might be some hurt, there
(13:10):
might be some shame, there might be some shock because
it may be like, where the hell is this coming from.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
I was just gonna say, I, Okay, So we're talking
about receiving the feedback, right, I think many of us
can agree that it's you. Even though it can be
difficult to get feedback, I think that usually it's more
uncomfortable to receive it, at least in my opinion, it
is for me.
Speaker 2 (13:31):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
And the thing about it, too, dom is I think
that as I've developed my communication skills and I have
learned how to tactfully bring up sensitive conversations, sometimes there's
the expectation that other people have that same skill set
or they've developed and done that same work. And that's
(13:52):
not always the case, and so I think a lot
of times in these situations, if you're receiving feedback, it's
likely coming in a way that isn't I deal like,
unless you're you know, you're the person coming to you,
they've done some work, they've done some studying, they've been
intentional about getting tools to give the feedback. So I
think that when that, I think those bodily responses that
you share are so accurate, and especially because it does
(14:15):
depend on how the person approaches you. If someone comes
and they're like, hey, you know, do you have space
for this? I want to talk to you about something,
and they kind of prepare you and you feel like
you're eased into it, that's going to probably give you
a very different response as opposed to I didn't like
when this happened when I was five, and this this
whatever it might be, right, it's a different response. I'm
talking like, I know for me, you feel flushed, like
(14:37):
your face feels red, your shoulders might tense up, like
you just really feel like you said, like you're ready
for war, you feel that in your body. And so
I think those are the things that can happen. And
I think a couple questions that you can ask yourself
when someone does come to you for feedback or with feedback,
is just paying attention to how your body feels. How
do you how does your body feel? And where do
you feel it in your body? That's a good question
(14:59):
to ask yourself. And then also do you tend to
get defensive or shut down completely? I think that sometimes
in my experience of giving constructive feedback, it either people
are open and sometimes they feel so bad and like
damn near beat themselves up about it, or it could
be totally defensive and just I mean belligerent, like it
(15:21):
could be you know. That's my experience has been those
two sort of ends of the spectrum. So I think
that's what comes up for me in the moment when
I think about that. Dom'd you have a specific example,
by any chance, because I'm trying to think of one
in my life where maybe I've gotten feedback and how
I took it, so.
Speaker 2 (15:41):
I can give you one where I didn't do well right,
because I think the thing is is that you know,
as a therapist, like I'm I'm general like you said,
I'm generally well equipped with all of the h that
still doesn't mean that I do it right.
Speaker 3 (15:57):
All the time.
Speaker 2 (15:58):
Yes, so I can think I can think of an
instant recently where it was a family family time and
we were we were playing a card game or something.
(16:18):
We were having family fun time, and I don't remember
exactly what it was. I don't even remember what game
it was that we were playing, but it was something
on the card and it prompted my nieces to say
that I can't hold secrets, right.
Speaker 1 (16:41):
That offends me in a moment, like you secrets? Okay, okay,
And that.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
Was my exact response, right, I was like, what's your mean?
And and then they proceeded to say like, yeah, there
there have been times where you haven't held and so
in that moment, my initial gut reaction was that, well
what what what the heck like if you knew, if you.
Speaker 1 (17:08):
Only knew okay, right? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (17:11):
And so then I paused and I said okay, like
I felt myself tense up, yeah, and I felt myself
wanting to go on the defense. And then in that moment,
I was able to take a breath and say and
say to myself, you know what, hear them out and
(17:35):
I didn't ask for any like specific examples, but you know,
for me, it was Okay, this is the feedback that
they're giving me that they for them their experiences, that
I don't hold their secrets. And so then I walked
(17:57):
away from it and got reflective of Okay, one, my
job as a therapist is the whole secrets. So I'm like,
I know I know how to do this. But then
I'm like, but then, what it reminded me is that
even though I know that I can do this, it
made me ask, am I able to do this?
Speaker 3 (18:21):
Do I truly do this with them?
Speaker 2 (18:24):
Because just because I can do it in general doesn't
mean that they are getting that same experience. But that
initial like that I had that initial gut like got
rule like defense.
Speaker 1 (18:39):
I just know it now? That was okay. First of all,
that was such a good example. Thank you so much
for sharing that too. I appreciate your transparency as a
therapist and someone who does this work like you have
a whole PhD in this, like you do this work right,
especially when it comes to it's just the work with
your clients and things that you do with the university.
So I appreciate you being transparent and letting us us
(18:59):
now on PhDs and non therapy folks, you don't. I mean,
let us know, like, okays together. I appreciate that. But
that was a really good example, and I'm just processing
one of the things. My hunch is here is that
there's and we don't have to get into the weeds
of it, but my hunch is that there's probably some
stuff that they share it with you, and it's like
I need to I feel inclined to tell your parent
(19:21):
about this thing because of the nature of what it
may have been. So that's what I was, That's what
I was going to. It's like, you got a whole
secret is of course of course.
Speaker 3 (19:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:28):
Sometimes he's like, I gotta tell your mama. I can't
just be leating you. Yeah, So.
Speaker 3 (19:32):
Of course.
Speaker 1 (19:35):
That was a good one. Let me see, is there
anything else we should talk about when it comes to
what comes up in the moment.
Speaker 3 (19:41):
I think those are the main things.
Speaker 2 (19:42):
Is like, pay attention to your body so quick recap
on that. Yeah, pay attention to what's what's coming up
in your body, Pay attention to that initial verbal vomit
that might come out. Like like I explained in my
real life example, right that these are the things that
this is real life, This is what happens in the moment,
(20:04):
and it's okay for you to have those reactions. However,
that doesn't have to be the end of the process.
It doesn't have to stop there.
Speaker 1 (20:15):
Yeah, I love that. And I think the next sort
of topic we're going to dive into is around responding
versus reacting. And I think this is such a good
one because, like you said, it's so easy. I think
many of us, it's probably the ego. We just we
want to protect ourselves, we want to get defensive. Like
even if it's even sometimes what it is true, is
you still like no, I don't like I know, I've
(20:37):
been there for sure. Yeah, and now I reflect it,
I'm like, wait a second, you're right. But sometimes that,
like you said, that initial gut reaction is to do that.
I think that when it comes to responding versus reacting,
in most cases, I do believe that responding is more
well thought out. It's you pausing to take some breaths,
(20:57):
choosing words to keep the conversation open, been and not
just being quick, defensive and ego led right, Like an
example of that will be will you do it too well?
You don't keep my secrets either, or like you do
the same thing and in most cases, because the person
that we're likely getting feedback from it is probably not
going to say it in the most tactfully and responsible way. Right,
(21:19):
it may come across, it may come out like you
said for the kiddo, it's like unfiltered, and it may
stink a little bit, and I think a lot of
times in those cases we want to offer a couple
of simple scripts for a pause, because a lot of
times when that feedback comes out that way, we kind
of have to bypass how it came out initially, or
bypassed how it came out and think about what is
(21:41):
what is that the essence at the core? What's that
the crux of what they're trying to tell me right now, right?
And we can address the response based on how we
you know, based on the relationship that we have with
this person. But there's something there likely right, they're not
just saying it to say it, And so something you
could potentially say in that moment is I need a
moment to think about what you said. Thank you for
(22:01):
sharing this, but you need time to process it. And
it's okay to set that boundary and let them know that,
you know, I want to be intentional with how I
respond to you, and I want to make sure that
I respond in a way where you feel heard and
you feel as though I'm actually taking it in. But
I'm having some reactions right now and I need a moment,
but I do appreciate it. Something else you could say
(22:22):
is thank you for telling me I want to sit
with this before I respond, so you can have some
space and separation to get yourself ready for whatever they
won't share.
Speaker 2 (22:34):
I love those, and I think you know in general,
like with the example that I shared, sometimes it's hard
to do that in that moment, right, Like ideally, yes,
you want to take that pause and you can come
back from that. Right So let's say that you do
(22:56):
have that immediate, quick defensive reaction like I had, like
I said, I was able to I had that quick
reaction and then I paused, and so you can still
come back from that and you can say.
Speaker 3 (23:15):
You know, okay, I.
Speaker 2 (23:20):
Had my initial reaction, and now I do want to
take a moment and truly think about what it was
that you shared what you just shared. And something else
that you can do also in helping you to respond
and not react, is to ask for if they didn't
(23:41):
already provided specific examples. Right, So you know my niece
is saying that I don't hold their secrets. Okay, can
you give me an example of a time when I
didn't hold the secret you wanted me to, right? Because
(24:02):
I think what that does is that allows for clarification. Yes,
and because sometimes what may happen is if we stick
with this example, let's say that they shared something with
me and they didn't tell me that they wanted it
held in confidence, and I shared it out with their
(24:26):
mom in conversation, not I brought it up in conversation
not realizing that that was something that they didn't want
their mom to know. So if they provide that example,
then my response to them is, I'm sorry that I
did not hold that. However, I was not aware that
(24:51):
that was something you wanted me to hold in confidence. Perhaps,
moving forward, when there are things you truly don't want
me to share, can you let me know that up front?
Speaker 1 (25:05):
I love that so much. That's so good, And I
was gonna actually say that leaning into curiosity is key
as well, Like if you are in a space where
you do feel calm and it was presented in a
way where you can your body isn't having those responses,
and maybe you don't need space. You can just simply say,
I'm kind of think of an example for me, because
I know my siblings have given me feedback over the years.
(25:25):
Probably that I was talking to my brother recently. He
was just saying how when he was young, like we
I have a different relationship with my siblings now that
they're older, because when I was young, when they were younger,
I was more like a parent, So they didn't come
to me about certain things. I was like, they just
saw all me. It's like, oh, we can't talk to
her about that, But now that now they can since
they're older, And so maybe being strict or something may
have been one and so leaning into curiosity like you said, well, wait,
(25:49):
what do you mean by that? Ask for examples? What
do you mean by that? And another thing I wrote
down was what would you prefer me doing that situation?
Like kind of getting an ideal outcome? Because we're going
to give you another We're going to have another section
in this conversation, lady, where we do a bit more processing,
and you can use what you have or what you
talk about with them in this responding versus reacting section.
(26:11):
You can use that for the processing. So understanding the
clear examples and I personally I want a pattern. I
want to give me a laundry list if you have it.
Sometimes people do sometimes they don't have any examples, right,
I forgot, but I just know you do this thing right,
And so if you do have the feedback, you can
write that down and then also understand, like, well, how
would you like me to show up because I want
to see not saying that it's going to happen because
(26:32):
it may not be reasonable, right, but to get clarity
what is the ideal so you know what you're working with?
I think that's also important.
Speaker 2 (26:38):
Yes, I love that, like asking, yes, asking what is
what are you needing from me going forward? So that
you can because then that helps improve the dynamic.
Speaker 1 (26:51):
Yep.
Speaker 3 (26:53):
So this takes us to the next section.
Speaker 2 (26:55):
Right, So now you've gotten the feedback and whether you
want it the feedback, whether you like the feedback, agree
with it or not. Part of this process of navigating
feedback is to find a way for you to self
soothe and take care of that fragile ego. Yes, So
(27:20):
the key here is to remind yourself that you are
receiving feedback. And this is not an attack, right, I
want to acknowledge that there are instances in which you
are being attacked, right, Like, I want to make that
(27:41):
clear that that can happen. That's a whole different conversation
for a different episode. What we are referring to is
those times when it is clear that the person is
offering trying to offer constructive feedback for you. And typically
once we've taken that pause, we can clearly tell the
(28:05):
difference between feedback and an attack. Because with feedback, if
you've done these previous steps, if you have asked clarifying questions,
and you've asked what they want, how they want you
to show up differently, and they've been able to give
(28:25):
you answers to that, you're getting feedback. If you ask
clarifying questions, you ask how they want you to show
up differently, and then they get defensive, chances are your
being attacked.
Speaker 1 (28:43):
That's good.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
And so when you realize that this truly is about feedback,
the next step in your self soothing is to identify
some grounding practices that are benefit you. So whether that's
taking multiple deep breaths, whether that's touching something that's grounding,
(29:11):
So that might be planting your feet on the floor
so that you are getting connected with earth. Maybe it's
holding a finger, folding your hands in your lap, maybe
it's your hand on your chest, but you are finding
something that allows you to slow your heart rate back down,
(29:39):
to come to a space of not being elevated, but
a sense of calmness. And then the other thing that
you can do affirmations so you can remind yourself I
can hear this and still be enough. I can receive
(30:01):
feedback in order to grow. So identifying a couple of
affirmations that will help you get grounded, but.
Speaker 3 (30:11):
Then also.
Speaker 2 (30:14):
Separating your identity from the behavior that's being discussed. That
behavior does not define you. That behavior is not the
totality of who you are. And so it's important to
remember those things.
Speaker 1 (30:33):
And I love that we're touching on this because I
think sometimes when you get feedback, depending on not everyone
is this way, Because I know some people they get feedback,
they have a whole different reaction and they don't give
it up. They're just like, I don't care, I don't
do that. That's not true. And some of us we do.
We may beat ourselves up a little bit right based
on what the feedback is it's easy to kind of
go into the spiraling based on what that is. And
(30:56):
so I love that recovering this And I think another
thing to keep in mind, like you were saying, doms
that doesn't define your worth. It literally is highlighting the
next opportunity for you to grow right. And like you said,
separating who I am from what I did is a
skill that keeps us coachable so that we can take
the feedback and realize, like this doesn't define me. And
I wanted to also circle back to something else, Tom,
(31:17):
you mentioned constructive feedback versus criticism. I feel like there
was a time where we would use criticism a lot
in feedback conversations, and then it changed, maybe years back,
it changed to more constructive feedback, especially when I think
about being in corporate and we'd have performance reviews. Sometimes
there was language around criticism versus constructive feedback. And I
think that constructive feedback it does. It's usually more specific,
(31:40):
like you said, it has examples. It's more based on
the behavior, and it helps to improve, and it's also
grounded in care, whereas criticism often vague. It's focused on
faults and it can feel like an attack of your person,
right like, it feels like, well, damn like, it just
feels kind of You can sense sometimes when something said
and a nasty and mean or it's like you you've
(32:01):
said that because you were trying to make me feel
a certain way, right Like, you can sense that, So
I think it's important to remember that as well. And
then just a couple quick questions that you can think
about as you are kind of in this self soothing space.
You can hold on one second month there, Okay, cool,
I got the question. So we talked about in the affirmation,
so getting clear on what your specific affirmation is, right,
(32:21):
what's one affirmation that you can remind yourself of to
remind yourself that you're still enough and you gave a
great one dom And the other one could be just
understanding what is your like having your own self self
soothing toolkit, because we all have different things that make
us feel okay. I know there are some people who
love to meditate or who love to work out, and
the other people are like, I don't need to do that.
(32:43):
I want to do I want to go for a drive. Right, So,
understanding like what is in your self soothing toolbox so
that you can kind of refer to that when these
moments do come up, because chances are, as we keep living,
we're going to get feedback from somebody, so might as
well prepare in advance.
Speaker 2 (32:59):
Yes, So then that takes us to this next phase
of this journey of feedback seeking support. All right, So
I'm sticking with my example of.
Speaker 1 (33:11):
My nieces, and.
Speaker 2 (33:14):
In this particular example, I didn't feel the need to
seek support. However, if I if I found myself in
a space where I needed support, then chances are I'm
seeking support if I receive this feedback and maybe one
I don't agree with it, or two I'm still unclear
(33:40):
after getting some clarity from them, or three I am
feeling soft and tender and maybe hurt. Hell, maybe I
got all maybe I got clarifying information and I'm pissed off,
right like I'm still I've tried myself soothing and I'm
(34:01):
still having an emotional reaction, or for I am unsure
of what to do next, like I've gotten like I said,
got the clarity, and I don't know what to do.
So then this is when you seek support.
Speaker 4 (34:23):
Right.
Speaker 2 (34:24):
So support could mean that you find a therapist or
a coach, So you're seeking someone who has the particular
skill set to address whatever the feedback was.
Speaker 3 (34:37):
That you received, Right, maybe maybe.
Speaker 2 (34:43):
It's to the level that you need mediation. So perhaps
it's something financial. So maybe you receive feedback from your
child about how you all are managing property that you
own together, and your child is like, I'm ready to
sell and you're like, nah, no, we're not, and it's
(35:04):
in both of your names. Maybe that's when you might
need to bring in a mediator. Or perhaps it's a
conversation that you got this feedback and you know that
in order to respond based on what your perspective is
(35:25):
and what you want to say in return, it may
be beneficial to have a third party there to help
neutralize how things get communicated between you.
Speaker 1 (35:41):
That is a good one.
Speaker 2 (35:42):
Maybe you talk to a trusted family member or friend,
someone that you know can offer some sound unbiased to
this and thick hand because if it's a friend or
family member, they're not completely objective but to but you
trust what they will offer you. Or if this is
(36:07):
your preference and your typical go to a spiritual or
community leader so you know that what they tend to
offer you is an additional level of grounding. That you need.
The key to remember here as you're seeking support is
that support is not the same thing as a yes
(36:29):
person or that amen chorus. Your your support is one
who can give you that honest insight like, well, yeah, girl,
you wasn't keeping no secrets from them children, like no
wonder they no wonder they're giving they're giving you that
feedback because about time they gave you that feedback because
(36:52):
you ain't you been, ain't doing right by.
Speaker 1 (36:54):
Them, damn and so and and and it may suck
for you to hear this, but I mean the kids
was right.
Speaker 2 (37:05):
So what you're gonna do about it? Like, I know it,
I know it hurts. I know, But what you're gonna
do about it now? Because you want you want to
keep that relationship with them? Yeah all right, well let's
figure out how to do that, how to better keep
those children's secrets.
Speaker 1 (37:22):
Mm hm oh girl. And I think another thing to
keep in mind here is that there may be levels
to your support process, right, so you know how, sometimes
something happens and you're like fuck that. I don't want
no solutions right now. I want to talk to someone
invent Okay, I just want to invent to somebody and
(37:43):
you might call off that person and maybe this is
the guest person, right, but you call them up and
the purpose of that is to get it out of
your system and to vent to the person who you know,
what's gonna listen, black girl, you damn right. They are
very tripping because you kept my secret and whatever it
might be. Right, So you have your venting person, and
then usually after the venting, at least for me, then
I get into the more like, okay, let's be action oriented,
and then you might have another level of support where
(38:05):
this is where you're getting into Okay, what was true?
What can I actually identify from what they shared with
me as the truth?
Speaker 2 (38:13):
Right?
Speaker 1 (38:13):
And then you process that with that person. And also,
you know, not every sounding board is going to help
you hear the truth. So that is really I love
that you said a trusted source because sometimes I've known
some people. I'm trying, I'm trying to figure how I
want to work this, but some people who they'll go
to certain folks who have a vested interest in a
certain outcome, so they're not they're not unbiased, right, and
(38:35):
so they're leading this person to do something specific based
on what they want them to do. So it is
important to be mindful of who you're choosing to support you.
And this could be, like you said, individual support or
collective support with you and the person who's giving you feedback.
So let's get into this is our second to last one,
(38:55):
processing and implementing feedback steps. Ago we talked about how
you're collecting feedback you're getting curious about, Well, give me
some examples of when I did X, Y Z right
and how would you like me to show up? So
when it comes to processing and implementing the feedback, this
is when you really sit with what was shared and
you give yourself permission to step away and really think
(39:16):
about it. What was objectively right? That's the goal to
do objectively from what they shared, what is actually true? Right.
Sometimes it's a little fluff, right, Sometimes people put a
little extra on it, and you're like, all right, this
right here, Like I heard what they said, but we're
gonna put this over word. Yeah, yeah, that was that
wasn't real. That wasn't real, Okay. And I'm thinking of
(39:37):
a like a it might be a simple or silly example,
but I'm thinking about if your child is coming to
you with feedback about their bedtime, for instance, right, and
maybe you spoke to them a certain way, and maybe
you could change the tone up right, but the bedtime
is not going to change to the bedtime part. Okay,
we heard, we heard the feedback, but we're not we're
not changing, We're not implementing that particular feedback. But I
(39:57):
will work on my approach. That could be an example.
And this is also where you could potentially journal or
a voice note to explore again what's true here? What
can I take action on? What's not mine to carry?
That is a very important one as well. Yes, it's
not mine to carry. Right, Let's sit with that for
a second. We're going to add something to that.
Speaker 2 (40:17):
Really, Yes, I was going to go with your example
of the child not you know, in the bedtime, right,
and the child even feedback about the bedtime, it's not
yours to carry that. The child doesn't like that bedtime,
that's not the fact that they don't. Them not liking
their bedtime is not.
Speaker 3 (40:36):
Yours to hold.
Speaker 2 (40:37):
Yeah, Like their feelings about bedtime is for them to hold. Yep,
you as a parent might help them navigate those feelings,
but their feelings are not yours to hold.
Speaker 1 (40:52):
This is true and It's so important to make that
distinction so we don't get caught up in oh, whatever
they said, whatever they gave me feedback, and I have
to implement every right, all feedback doesn't need to be implemented.
And the other thing is, even though small changes based
on feedback can have big ripple effects, and following up
after implementing the feedback can also show growth and build trust.
I remember this is probably at this point, like thirteen
(41:16):
years ago and my previous relationship. My partner used to
give me feedback about my communication. And the thing about
it is I would communicate. I could communicate well with
my friends and with people, you know, colleagues, But when
we got because of the dynamic and you know, how
conversations were going at this time, I was like, no,
(41:36):
Like I was not a very good communicator in that
particular time in my life in that season, and I
had a habit of interrupting him and I wouldn't take
responsibility for things that I did. And what I learned
over time is that was a pattern. And as we
began to progress in our relationship, we would often have
disagreements about these certain things that would come up for
(41:58):
both of us and then to a point where I
was like, Okay, wait a minute, I'm getting this feedback.
I want to grow and develop. It can't just come
up every time we have a disagreement. I need to
start doing something to implement the feedback. So I began
to take it seriously. I wrote it down. I wrote
down ways that I could do better. Right, so instead
of interrupting, what I started doing is when we have
(42:18):
these deep discussions, I would get a note pad and
I would write down my thoughts to prevent me from interrupting.
So I'm still listening, but I'm also jotting down quickly, Okay,
this is what I want to say next because the
thought came up. I don't want to lose it. But
I also don't want to interrupt. So there were actually
things that I had to do, actions I had to
take to show that this is important to me, This
relationship is important, and I want to be better in communicating.
(42:41):
And when I tell you that my communication has grown
so much through those efforts that I took. But it
starts with being aware and then actually doing the work.
Speaker 2 (42:52):
Yes, I love that, like having the awareness and then implementing, yeah,
the strategies to actually make the necessary change, right, And
so I think it's important within that too. When you
(43:12):
are trying to implement, you've processed all the you process
all the feedback, you've sought counsel on. Okay, well what
do I do with this information? And going back to
our quote of the day, sometimes it's you receive feedback
and in order to make long lasting change, it's gonna
(43:36):
take multiple steps. You don't have to implement all of
those steps right away. If it feels overwhelming, you can
slow that process down. The key with that is to
circle back to the person who gave you the feedback,
(43:59):
let them know about the changes you are hoping to make,
and then ask for patients as you try to implement
the changes. Because the thing that we all know is
that change is hard, and you may there may be
five steps in the process. You might get all five
(44:22):
steps down and then six months later you find yourself
for getting all of those changes that you said you
were going to make and you backslide. It doesn't mean
that all is lost. You acknowledge that you messed up,
(44:45):
you take accountability, and you run through those steps again. Now,
this last piece, this is the one that I think
people will struggle with the most What do you do
when you disagree with the feedback? So that person that
(45:06):
you love and respect has share that feedback with you,
and your initial reaction was that's some bullshit, And you
went and you saw counsel, and you saw multiple council
(45:26):
because again, you want to make sure that you're not
you weren't getting that amen chorus, and everybody else was like, nah,
we don't agree with that either. How do you handle
that well in the moment, you take some deep breaths
because the nah, that's some bullshit is not going to
(45:49):
get you anywhere in your relationship with that person. Right.
Speaker 3 (45:55):
So the one thing that you can say is.
Speaker 2 (46:01):
I didn't experience it that way, but I really appreciate
you sharing your perspective with me. And I'm gonna say
that one one more time because I know that that's
not one that easily rolls off our tone. I didn't
experience it that way, but I really appreciate you sharing
your perspective with me. Now that particular statement, saying it.
Speaker 1 (46:25):
That way.
Speaker 3 (46:27):
Is helpful.
Speaker 2 (46:29):
Because you're letting them know one that you don't agree.
That's the kind way of saying that you don't agree
without invalidating what they experienced, and that's the key. When
you are engaging in uncomfortable, difficult dialogue, conversation, interaction, the
(46:59):
key to keep it from escalating into something worse is
to make sure that you honor where you are and
acknowledge what they are saying, because at the end of
the day, every single one of us wants to be seen,
(47:23):
heard and valued. And when you hit them right out
the gate with nah, that's some bullshit. I don't agree
with nothing you just said.
Speaker 5 (47:37):
Now you're telling them that you don't see them, you
don't hear them, and you don't value what they share
with you, and that is what leads to the conflict.
Speaker 1 (47:48):
Okay, So when you first went into this, I thought
of an example. I can't get too many details, but
I think I may have shared this with you offline,
but oh, this one. So disagreement doesn't mean and doesn't
have to mean disrespect. Right, there was a situation. All
I'm going to say is someone thought that I was
(48:08):
being malicious in something that I said to them, and
that almost lost my shit because I was like, you
have got to be kidding me, because literally I don't
even move that way. That's not like, that's not my
vibe and my spirit. I don't go around doing something.
Speaker 2 (48:23):
I remember what you're talking about, and yes that yeah.
Speaker 1 (48:27):
And so I think another thing to keep in mind
is that sometimes now I know we're talking about, you know,
the parent child dynamic, but shoot, sometimes if you got
grown kids, sometimes it happens too. Sometimes people can be manipulative, right,
and they can present gaslight, present something that may not
be the case. But the other thing to remember is
(48:49):
we it's okay to disagree with people, right, And sometimes
feedback says more about the other person's lens than your reality, right,
So all feedback is in fact, sometimes it's literally a
reflection of how they see the world, how they experienced
it whatever, whatever glasses or lens they're looking at, it
may be tanked it, right, and so it shows up
in a certain way. And so I think that what
(49:10):
was powerful for me in that moment dom where the
person I was talking to thought that I had malicious
intent when I did not, It was still important for
us to have the conversation. And so this was one
of those situations where I used the I hear you
and I see how you got there. That was not
my intention, although it may have been the impact, And
I think that something like that can be really helpful
(49:32):
because a lot of times our intentions it will not
match the impact just because humans were all different, right,
We'll all come from different vantage points, and so that's
something else to keep in mind as well when you disagree.
But again, especially if you want to maintain the relationship,
it's important to let the person know that they are
seeing they're heard. Did you say valued?
Speaker 2 (49:53):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (49:54):
Okay, I guess we'll value them as well, so yes, yes, yes, sure.
Speaker 2 (50:00):
I think the thing too to remember, particularly from this
perspective of you are the parents receiving the feedback. I'm
a firm believer that if you are, if you are
the elder in that situation, yeah, it is your responsibility
(50:26):
to show up with more maturity and more space and
grace for what that person is coming to you with.
Speaker 3 (50:39):
Right now, let me.
Speaker 2 (50:41):
Be clear, I am not that is that is not
an excuse for abuse, okay, But as the parents or
the elder it I stand on it is your responsibility
to be to take care of two parents that person,
(51:03):
no matter their age. So you could be eighty five
and your sixty year old child is coming to you
with remember fifty years ago. Hold space for that. Again,
(51:24):
you don't have to agree with it, but hold space
because at the end of the day, no matter how
old you are, they're still your child.
Speaker 1 (51:32):
I'm glad you made that distinction down that this is
because I can hear people now, well, this person's a narcissist,
they're abusive. We're not talking about those situations. Those are
definitely extreme situations where an outside support person should ideally
be involved. And we're not saying to put up with
any abuse. This is for a different scenario. So I'm
glad that you brought that up. Another thing to keep
(51:54):
in mind is that a lot of us were not
taught the skills to handle right difficult conversations receive feedback.
So another thing you can do is seek out tools, books, podcasts, articles,
seek out resources so that you can develop yourself and
your skill set so that you can hold space for
those things because a lot of us, especially I think
(52:15):
about the older generation, like my parents and grandparents, like
that age group, and we weren't taught. We were supposed
to be seen, not heard, and you're not allowed to
have had no feedback. So I think for many of us,
we're in a new era now, and so we may
have to up level our tooling and our resources so
that we can hold space for some of these difficult
conversations that or other generations did not have the privilege
(52:38):
or luxury to discuss.
Speaker 2 (52:41):
I love that that is a great reminder now, lady,
as you're listening today, we talked about what to do
how to navigate being on the receiving end of feedback
as the parent, the elder, the caregiver. Stay tuned for
(53:01):
a part two where we talk about how you can
deliver that feedback in a way that is healthy and
helps the relationship not harms it.
Speaker 4 (53:20):
It's doctor dom here from the Cultivating her Space podcast.
Are you currently a resident of the state of California
and contemplating starting your therapy journey? Well, if so, please
reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com.
That's d R D O M I N I q
(53:43):
U E B R O U S s ar D
dot com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. I
look forward to hearing from you. Thanks for tuning into
Cultivating her Space. Remember that while this podcast is all
about healing, empowerment, and resilience, it's not a substitute for therapy.
(54:08):
If you or someone you know need support, check out
resources like Therapy for Black Girls or Psychology Today. If
you love today's episode, do us a favor and share
it with a friend who needs some inspiration, or leave
us a quick five star review. Your support means the
world to us and helps keep this space thriving.
Speaker 1 (54:30):
And before we meet again, repeat after me, I honor
my journey by balancing effort and rest to achieve my goals.
Cheap Thriving Lady, and tune in next Friday for more
inspiration from cultivating her Space. In the meantime, be sure
to connect with us on Instagram at her Space Podcast
On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space, feedback doesn't
define your worth. It literally is highlighting the next opportunity
for you to grow right. And like you said, separating
who I am from what I did is a skill
that keeps us coachable so that we can take the
feedback and realize, like, this doesn't define me.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
Hey lady, have you ever felt like the world just
doesn't get you? Well, we do.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
Welcome to Cultivating her Space, the podcast dedicated to uplifting
and empowering women like you.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
We're your hosts, doctor Dominique Grussard and educator and psychologists.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
And Terry Lomax, a techie and transformational speaker.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
Join us every week for authentic conversations about everything from
fibroids to fake friends as we create space for black
women to just be.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
Before we dive in, make sure you hit that fill
up button and leave us a quick five star review. Lady.
We are black founded and black owned, and your support
will help us reach even more women like you.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Now, let's get into this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
If you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure of your next steps,
this is for you, Hey, lady. Is tea here, and
I just want to invite you to my free goal
map like a pro coaching workshop, where I'll share the
five proven steps to get unstuck and achieve your goals.
Whether you're feeling overwhelmed by all your ideas, juggling scattered ideas,
(01:36):
or maybe you just need confidence to start, this workshop
will give you the clarity, tools and the motivation to
take back control. Reserve your spot for free by visiting
her spacepodcast dot com and clicking on the goal map
like a pro webinar link. Lady, don't miss this chance
to build a roadmap that fits your life and set
you up for success. I hope to see you there.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
Our quote of the day, feedback is a gift and
it's okay to unwrap it slowly. All Right, I'm gonna
say that quote one more time for the folks in
the back. Make sure you really pay attention.
Speaker 3 (02:16):
To this quote.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
Feedback is a gift, and it's okay to unwrap it slowly.
Speaker 4 (02:27):
A r T.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
When you hear this quote.
Speaker 3 (02:30):
What comes to mind.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
For you when I hear this quote? The first part
of it, feedback is a gift. Although I know that
to be true, sometimes it doesn't feel like a gift.
And I think at the same time, feedback can be
a mirror and it can reveal to us things that
we not things that we may not be able to
see about ourselves that can help us grow. So instead
(02:54):
of opening that feedback, that feedback gift like a Christmas
present that you're excited for. Sometimes you have to open
it slowly because it might hurt your feelings, it might
make you feel the way. Sometimes you gotta ease it
open so you can take it, you know, and process
it at your speed. So that's what I think of
when I hear this quote, what about.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
You, Yes, I think it's similar for me, right that, like, okay,
so I don't have to hurry up and open it
right away and pull out all the things and look
at everything all at once. To me, this quote is
(03:31):
a reminder that it's okay to slow that process all
the way down, right, that maybe today all I do
is take the wrapping off, right maybe tomorrow it's I
then open it and look and see what's inside. And
(03:52):
then the next day after that I come back and
I pull out what's inside. And so it's a reminder
that it doesn't have to be resolved, be dealt with
all at once, right.
Speaker 1 (04:12):
Best Lord? Okay, So I guess we might as well
just dig right into this topic. So, Lady, today we're
talking about something that a lot of us say we're
open to, but in the moment, it can be hard
to actually do. And I'm guilty of this as well. Okay,
it's receiving feedback. Whether it's from your kids, our parents,
(04:32):
our partner, or someone we deeply respect, feedback can bring
up a lot of feelings, and if we're honest, it
can hit even harder when it comes from someone you
love and someone you respect. Right, So today we're talking
about ocive feedback with grace, self awareness, and a little
self compassion, because that's important as well. We're also going
to break down what happens in the moment, how to
(04:54):
respond instead of reacting, and how to process what you've
heard without losing yourself in it. So let's get into it.
I feel we should talk about why this topic is
important because people may hear it, but I think that
it's a there's some context that should be late, I
guess before we dive in.
Speaker 2 (05:16):
Yes, and I think part of that context is really
understanding that we have episodes where we talk about receiving
feedback in general, right, and what to do about feedback
in the workplace. But this particular topic about parents and
children and that relationship is such an important topic that
(05:41):
oftentimes we as in the community society at large, don't
talk about it from this perspective of how do you,
as the parent or the caregiver or the person in
that important person in a child's life, how do you
(06:04):
receive feedback from them? What do you do with that
feedback that.
Speaker 3 (06:09):
You receive from them?
Speaker 2 (06:11):
I think for me why this topic is so important
right now is because I think about the college students
that I work with, and oftentimes something that comes up
in session is having conversations, difficult conversations with their parents
(06:34):
where they are trying to give their parents some feedback
and the parents just don't want to hear it. And
as I'm listening, I find myself in the space of
understanding both sides, right, recognizing that there may be moments
(06:54):
for the parent where it's hard to receive that feedback,
and also having the moment of.
Speaker 3 (07:04):
You're not grown enough.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
Yet to give me feedback.
Speaker 1 (07:06):
Okay, what do you know?
Speaker 2 (07:07):
What do you know about this?
Speaker 1 (07:09):
Right?
Speaker 2 (07:10):
But then also thinking about it from that college student's
perspective of Okay, I've been living away from home long
enough now where I can see some things with a
different different lens. Yeah, And I'm learning about myself and
I'm looking at the ways in which we grew up,
(07:32):
the way I was raised, and this ain't it. Y'all
made some mistakes and now want to let y'all know
about it. And it's a complicated thing, right, very much so,
whether you're whether you're that child giving the feedback or
that parent receiving it. And I'm speaking specifically of like
(07:55):
working with college students, but I also think about the littles.
So when I say the littles, I mean like the
you know, the the under eighteen, the under ten.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
Right, because they have feedback too.
Speaker 2 (08:10):
Oh yes, and some of their feedback has no filter.
It's just out there, right yea. And what do you
do with that? Right? Like your three year old is
giving you feedback like, and it's unfiltered. It's just it's
raw and you might not have been ready for it, right, yes,
(08:34):
Or you are grown grown, like you a full adult,
got kids of your own, and you're trying to give
your parents some feedback about how they parented you and
how willing are they to receive that feedback, how open
are they to that feedback, And so it's a multi
(08:54):
generational conversation that we're going to be we're talking about today.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
That was such a good overview, Dom. I couldn't agree more.
And I would say, also, it's important because how we
handle feedback it really does impact how our relationship with
people progresses, right. Like I think about for myself, you know,
trying to give my mom feedback as an adult when
I realized certain things and wanted to talk to about it,
(09:22):
and I was very tactful in the way that I
went to her with certain feedback, but there were certain
things that she just wasn't able to didn't have the
capacity to hold or handle, and a lot of that
has to do with why we are not in relationship today.
I think about my dad on the other hand, when
I would give him feedback and he was open, right like,
he responded in a certain way, and so we've been
able to have a healthy dialogue about some of those things.
(09:42):
And then, like you said, my four year old who
gives me feedback as well, And I want to hold
space for the feedback that she has because I want
to keep that feedback loop going in our relationship. And
then the last thing I want to share is dom
you talked about the parentals. You talked about like the
different generational I guess the generational connections that we have
when it comes to feedback, but I also think about
(10:03):
some of us who were perentified children, who our younger
siblings kind of look at us like parents at or
at some point in their lives, they looked at us
as parents. And now that my younger siblings who I
raise are older, they've had feedback for me, and I've
held space to have that conversation with them and receive
that feedback in again, it's all, it's so impactful and
(10:24):
it really does it really does matter, right because we
want to keep these relationships healthy and growing. So that
is why this conversation is important, lady, as you're listening,
it may not be the easiest conversation to have, but
it's something necessary if you are on the growth journey.
So let's get into it.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
So when I think about the feedback that like if
someone if you are the parent, you are the adult,
and you are receiving the feedback right.
Speaker 3 (10:56):
One of the.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
Things that immediately comes up for me is what do
you do in that moment? Right, like you're because oftentimes
when I think about it, and we'll have a whole
part too where we talk about the steps to take
if you're the person delivering the feedback, right, yeah, but
this episode is about the person receiving it.
Speaker 3 (11:18):
So one of the.
Speaker 2 (11:20):
Things that I often talk to my students about is
if you're going to be if you're going to give
the feedback, like, invite that person in for a conversation,
don't blind side them, yes, because I think about so
if you are that person who is blindsided, like your
(11:41):
child comes up to you and says, hey, I got it.
We you know, I want to talk to you, and
it's not a when do you when it would be
a good time for us to talk, it's I got
some feedback for you, right, And in reality, oftentimes it's
(12:02):
not even they don't even preface it. Yeah, they might
dive right in to giving you that feedback. And so
what tends to happen in that moment? Oftentimes it's a
bodily reaction, right, Like I think about like your body,
(12:26):
like physically, like all of your muscles kind of like
tensing up, like you're prepared for warfare, right, yes, And
because you're you might be feeling attacked and so your
body tenses up. Maybe you find yourself like holding your
(12:48):
breath and you don't even realize it, right, And then
like you're bracing. It's like you're bracing yourself for impact
and you're on the defense. And maybe maybe you might
also be feeling embarrassed. There might be some hurt, there
(13:10):
might be some shame, there might be some shock because
it may be like, where the hell is this coming from.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
I was just gonna say, I, Okay, So we're talking
about receiving the feedback, right, I think many of us
can agree that it's you. Even though it can be
difficult to get feedback, I think that usually it's more
uncomfortable to receive it, at least in my opinion, it
is for me.
Speaker 2 (13:31):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
And the thing about it, too, dom is I think
that as I've developed my communication skills and I have
learned how to tactfully bring up sensitive conversations, sometimes there's
the expectation that other people have that same skill set
or they've developed and done that same work. And that's
(13:52):
not always the case, and so I think a lot
of times in these situations, if you're receiving feedback, it's
likely coming in a way that isn't I deal like,
unless you're you know, you're the person coming to you,
they've done some work, they've done some studying, they've been
intentional about getting tools to give the feedback. So I
think that when that, I think those bodily responses that
you share are so accurate, and especially because it does
(14:15):
depend on how the person approaches you. If someone comes
and they're like, hey, you know, do you have space
for this? I want to talk to you about something,
and they kind of prepare you and you feel like
you're eased into it, that's going to probably give you
a very different response as opposed to I didn't like
when this happened when I was five, and this this
whatever it might be, right, it's a different response. I'm
talking like, I know for me, you feel flushed, like
(14:37):
your face feels red, your shoulders might tense up, like
you just really feel like you said, like you're ready
for war, you feel that in your body. And so
I think those are the things that can happen. And
I think a couple questions that you can ask yourself
when someone does come to you for feedback or with feedback,
is just paying attention to how your body feels. How
do you how does your body feel? And where do
you feel it in your body? That's a good question
(14:59):
to ask yourself. And then also do you tend to
get defensive or shut down completely? I think that sometimes
in my experience of giving constructive feedback, it either people
are open and sometimes they feel so bad and like
damn near beat themselves up about it, or it could
be totally defensive and just I mean belligerent, like it
(15:21):
could be you know. That's my experience has been those
two sort of ends of the spectrum. So I think
that's what comes up for me in the moment when
I think about that. Dom'd you have a specific example,
by any chance, because I'm trying to think of one
in my life where maybe I've gotten feedback and how
I took it, so.
Speaker 2 (15:41):
I can give you one where I didn't do well right,
because I think the thing is is that you know,
as a therapist, like I'm I'm general like you said,
I'm generally well equipped with all of the h that
still doesn't mean that I do it right.
Speaker 3 (15:57):
All the time.
Speaker 2 (15:58):
Yes, so I can think I can think of an
instant recently where it was a family family time and
we were we were playing a card game or something.
(16:18):
We were having family fun time, and I don't remember
exactly what it was. I don't even remember what game
it was that we were playing, but it was something
on the card and it prompted my nieces to say
that I can't hold secrets, right.
Speaker 1 (16:41):
That offends me in a moment, like you secrets? Okay, okay,
And that.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
Was my exact response, right, I was like, what's your mean?
And and then they proceeded to say like, yeah, there
there have been times where you haven't held and so
in that moment, my initial gut reaction was that, well
what what what the heck like if you knew, if you.
Speaker 1 (17:08):
Only knew okay, right? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (17:11):
And so then I paused and I said okay, like
I felt myself tense up, yeah, and I felt myself
wanting to go on the defense. And then in that moment,
I was able to take a breath and say and
say to myself, you know what, hear them out and
(17:35):
I didn't ask for any like specific examples, but you know,
for me, it was Okay, this is the feedback that
they're giving me that they for them their experiences, that
I don't hold their secrets. And so then I walked
(17:57):
away from it and got reflective of Okay, one, my
job as a therapist is the whole secrets. So I'm like,
I know I know how to do this. But then
I'm like, but then, what it reminded me is that
even though I know that I can do this, it
made me ask, am I able to do this?
Speaker 3 (18:21):
Do I truly do this with them?
Speaker 2 (18:24):
Because just because I can do it in general doesn't
mean that they are getting that same experience. But that
initial like that I had that initial gut like got
rule like defense.
Speaker 1 (18:39):
I just know it now? That was okay. First of all,
that was such a good example. Thank you so much
for sharing that too. I appreciate your transparency as a
therapist and someone who does this work like you have
a whole PhD in this, like you do this work right,
especially when it comes to it's just the work with
your clients and things that you do with the university.
So I appreciate you being transparent and letting us us
(18:59):
now on PhDs and non therapy folks, you don't. I mean,
let us know, like, okays together. I appreciate that. But
that was a really good example, and I'm just processing
one of the things. My hunch is here is that
there's and we don't have to get into the weeds
of it, but my hunch is that there's probably some
stuff that they share it with you, and it's like
I need to I feel inclined to tell your parent
(19:21):
about this thing because of the nature of what it
may have been. So that's what I was, That's what
I was going to. It's like, you got a whole
secret is of course of course.
Speaker 3 (19:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:28):
Sometimes he's like, I gotta tell your mama. I can't
just be leating you. Yeah, So.
Speaker 3 (19:32):
Of course.
Speaker 1 (19:35):
That was a good one. Let me see, is there
anything else we should talk about when it comes to
what comes up in the moment.
Speaker 3 (19:41):
I think those are the main things.
Speaker 2 (19:42):
Is like, pay attention to your body so quick recap
on that. Yeah, pay attention to what's what's coming up
in your body, Pay attention to that initial verbal vomit
that might come out. Like like I explained in my
real life example, right that these are the things that
this is real life, This is what happens in the moment,
(20:04):
and it's okay for you to have those reactions. However,
that doesn't have to be the end of the process.
It doesn't have to stop there.
Speaker 1 (20:15):
Yeah, I love that. And I think the next sort
of topic we're going to dive into is around responding
versus reacting. And I think this is such a good
one because, like you said, it's so easy. I think
many of us, it's probably the ego. We just we
want to protect ourselves, we want to get defensive. Like
even if it's even sometimes what it is true, is
you still like no, I don't like I know, I've
(20:37):
been there for sure. Yeah, and now I reflect it,
I'm like, wait a second, you're right. But sometimes that,
like you said, that initial gut reaction is to do that.
I think that when it comes to responding versus reacting,
in most cases, I do believe that responding is more
well thought out. It's you pausing to take some breaths,
(20:57):
choosing words to keep the conversation open, been and not
just being quick, defensive and ego led right, Like an
example of that will be will you do it too well?
You don't keep my secrets either, or like you do
the same thing and in most cases, because the person
that we're likely getting feedback from it is probably not
going to say it in the most tactfully and responsible way. Right,
(21:19):
it may come across, it may come out like you
said for the kiddo, it's like unfiltered, and it may
stink a little bit, and I think a lot of
times in those cases we want to offer a couple
of simple scripts for a pause, because a lot of
times when that feedback comes out that way, we kind
of have to bypass how it came out initially, or
bypassed how it came out and think about what is
(21:41):
what is that the essence at the core? What's that
the crux of what they're trying to tell me right now, right?
And we can address the response based on how we
you know, based on the relationship that we have with
this person. But there's something there likely right, they're not
just saying it to say it, And so something you
could potentially say in that moment is I need a
moment to think about what you said. Thank you for
(22:01):
sharing this, but you need time to process it. And
it's okay to set that boundary and let them know that,
you know, I want to be intentional with how I
respond to you, and I want to make sure that
I respond in a way where you feel heard and
you feel as though I'm actually taking it in. But
I'm having some reactions right now and I need a moment,
but I do appreciate it. Something else you could say
(22:22):
is thank you for telling me I want to sit
with this before I respond, so you can have some
space and separation to get yourself ready for whatever they
won't share.
Speaker 2 (22:34):
I love those, and I think you know in general,
like with the example that I shared, sometimes it's hard
to do that in that moment, right, Like ideally, yes,
you want to take that pause and you can come
back from that. Right So let's say that you do
(22:56):
have that immediate, quick defensive reaction like I had, like
I said, I was able to I had that quick
reaction and then I paused, and so you can still
come back from that and you can say.
Speaker 3 (23:15):
You know, okay, I.
Speaker 2 (23:20):
Had my initial reaction, and now I do want to
take a moment and truly think about what it was
that you shared what you just shared. And something else
that you can do also in helping you to respond
and not react, is to ask for if they didn't
(23:41):
already provided specific examples. Right, So you know my niece
is saying that I don't hold their secrets. Okay, can
you give me an example of a time when I
didn't hold the secret you wanted me to, right? Because
(24:02):
I think what that does is that allows for clarification. Yes,
and because sometimes what may happen is if we stick
with this example, let's say that they shared something with
me and they didn't tell me that they wanted it
held in confidence, and I shared it out with their
(24:26):
mom in conversation, not I brought it up in conversation
not realizing that that was something that they didn't want
their mom to know. So if they provide that example,
then my response to them is, I'm sorry that I
did not hold that. However, I was not aware that
(24:51):
that was something you wanted me to hold in confidence. Perhaps,
moving forward, when there are things you truly don't want
me to share, can you let me know that up front?
Speaker 1 (25:05):
I love that so much. That's so good, And I
was gonna actually say that leaning into curiosity is key
as well, Like if you are in a space where
you do feel calm and it was presented in a
way where you can your body isn't having those responses,
and maybe you don't need space. You can just simply say,
I'm kind of think of an example for me, because
I know my siblings have given me feedback over the years.
(25:25):
Probably that I was talking to my brother recently. He
was just saying how when he was young, like we
I have a different relationship with my siblings now that
they're older, because when I was young, when they were younger,
I was more like a parent, So they didn't come
to me about certain things. I was like, they just
saw all me. It's like, oh, we can't talk to
her about that, But now that now they can since
they're older, And so maybe being strict or something may
have been one and so leaning into curiosity like you said, well, wait,
(25:49):
what do you mean by that? Ask for examples? What
do you mean by that? And another thing I wrote
down was what would you prefer me doing that situation?
Like kind of getting an ideal outcome? Because we're going
to give you another We're going to have another section
in this conversation, lady, where we do a bit more processing,
and you can use what you have or what you
talk about with them in this responding versus reacting section.
(26:11):
You can use that for the processing. So understanding the
clear examples and I personally I want a pattern. I
want to give me a laundry list if you have it.
Sometimes people do sometimes they don't have any examples, right,
I forgot, but I just know you do this thing right,
And so if you do have the feedback, you can
write that down and then also understand, like, well, how
would you like me to show up because I want
to see not saying that it's going to happen because
(26:32):
it may not be reasonable, right, but to get clarity
what is the ideal so you know what you're working with?
I think that's also important.
Speaker 2 (26:38):
Yes, I love that, like asking, yes, asking what is
what are you needing from me going forward? So that
you can because then that helps improve the dynamic.
Speaker 1 (26:51):
Yep.
Speaker 3 (26:53):
So this takes us to the next section.
Speaker 2 (26:55):
Right, So now you've gotten the feedback and whether you
want it the feedback, whether you like the feedback, agree
with it or not. Part of this process of navigating
feedback is to find a way for you to self
soothe and take care of that fragile ego. Yes, So
(27:20):
the key here is to remind yourself that you are
receiving feedback. And this is not an attack, right, I
want to acknowledge that there are instances in which you
are being attacked, right, Like, I want to make that
(27:41):
clear that that can happen. That's a whole different conversation
for a different episode. What we are referring to is
those times when it is clear that the person is
offering trying to offer constructive feedback for you. And typically
once we've taken that pause, we can clearly tell the
(28:05):
difference between feedback and an attack. Because with feedback, if
you've done these previous steps, if you have asked clarifying questions,
and you've asked what they want, how they want you
to show up differently, and they've been able to give
(28:25):
you answers to that, you're getting feedback. If you ask
clarifying questions, you ask how they want you to show
up differently, and then they get defensive, chances are your
being attacked.
Speaker 1 (28:43):
That's good.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
And so when you realize that this truly is about feedback,
the next step in your self soothing is to identify
some grounding practices that are benefit you. So whether that's
taking multiple deep breaths, whether that's touching something that's grounding,
(29:11):
So that might be planting your feet on the floor
so that you are getting connected with earth. Maybe it's
holding a finger, folding your hands in your lap, maybe
it's your hand on your chest, but you are finding
something that allows you to slow your heart rate back down,
(29:39):
to come to a space of not being elevated, but
a sense of calmness. And then the other thing that
you can do affirmations so you can remind yourself I
can hear this and still be enough. I can receive
(30:01):
feedback in order to grow. So identifying a couple of
affirmations that will help you get grounded, but.
Speaker 3 (30:11):
Then also.
Speaker 2 (30:14):
Separating your identity from the behavior that's being discussed. That
behavior does not define you. That behavior is not the
totality of who you are. And so it's important to
remember those things.
Speaker 1 (30:33):
And I love that we're touching on this because I
think sometimes when you get feedback, depending on not everyone
is this way, Because I know some people they get feedback,
they have a whole different reaction and they don't give
it up. They're just like, I don't care, I don't
do that. That's not true. And some of us we do.
We may beat ourselves up a little bit right based
on what the feedback is it's easy to kind of
go into the spiraling based on what that is. And
(30:56):
so I love that recovering this And I think another
thing to keep in mind, like you were saying, doms
that doesn't define your worth. It literally is highlighting the
next opportunity for you to grow right. And like you said,
separating who I am from what I did is a
skill that keeps us coachable so that we can take
the feedback and realize, like this doesn't define me. And
I wanted to also circle back to something else, Tom,
(31:17):
you mentioned constructive feedback versus criticism. I feel like there
was a time where we would use criticism a lot
in feedback conversations, and then it changed, maybe years back,
it changed to more constructive feedback, especially when I think
about being in corporate and we'd have performance reviews. Sometimes
there was language around criticism versus constructive feedback. And I
think that constructive feedback it does. It's usually more specific,
(31:40):
like you said, it has examples. It's more based on
the behavior, and it helps to improve, and it's also
grounded in care, whereas criticism often vague. It's focused on
faults and it can feel like an attack of your person,
right like, it feels like, well, damn like, it just
feels kind of You can sense sometimes when something said
and a nasty and mean or it's like you you've
(32:01):
said that because you were trying to make me feel
a certain way, right Like, you can sense that, So
I think it's important to remember that as well. And
then just a couple quick questions that you can think
about as you are kind of in this self soothing space.
You can hold on one second month there, Okay, cool,
I got the question. So we talked about in the affirmation,
so getting clear on what your specific affirmation is, right,
(32:21):
what's one affirmation that you can remind yourself of to
remind yourself that you're still enough and you gave a
great one dom And the other one could be just
understanding what is your like having your own self self
soothing toolkit, because we all have different things that make
us feel okay. I know there are some people who
love to meditate or who love to work out, and
the other people are like, I don't need to do that.
(32:43):
I want to do I want to go for a drive. Right, So,
understanding like what is in your self soothing toolbox so
that you can kind of refer to that when these
moments do come up, because chances are, as we keep living,
we're going to get feedback from somebody, so might as
well prepare in advance.
Speaker 2 (32:59):
Yes, So then that takes us to this next phase
of this journey of feedback seeking support. All right, So
I'm sticking with my example of.
Speaker 1 (33:11):
My nieces, and.
Speaker 2 (33:14):
In this particular example, I didn't feel the need to
seek support. However, if I if I found myself in
a space where I needed support, then chances are I'm
seeking support if I receive this feedback and maybe one
I don't agree with it, or two I'm still unclear
(33:40):
after getting some clarity from them, or three I am
feeling soft and tender and maybe hurt. Hell, maybe I
got all maybe I got clarifying information and I'm pissed off,
right like I'm still I've tried myself soothing and I'm
(34:01):
still having an emotional reaction, or for I am unsure
of what to do next, like I've gotten like I said,
got the clarity, and I don't know what to do.
So then this is when you seek support.
Speaker 4 (34:23):
Right.
Speaker 2 (34:24):
So support could mean that you find a therapist or
a coach, So you're seeking someone who has the particular
skill set to address whatever the feedback was.
Speaker 3 (34:37):
That you received, Right, maybe maybe.
Speaker 2 (34:43):
It's to the level that you need mediation. So perhaps
it's something financial. So maybe you receive feedback from your
child about how you all are managing property that you
own together, and your child is like, I'm ready to
sell and you're like, nah, no, we're not, and it's
(35:04):
in both of your names. Maybe that's when you might
need to bring in a mediator. Or perhaps it's a
conversation that you got this feedback and you know that
in order to respond based on what your perspective is
(35:25):
and what you want to say in return, it may
be beneficial to have a third party there to help
neutralize how things get communicated between you.
Speaker 1 (35:41):
That is a good one.
Speaker 2 (35:42):
Maybe you talk to a trusted family member or friend,
someone that you know can offer some sound unbiased to
this and thick hand because if it's a friend or
family member, they're not completely objective but to but you
trust what they will offer you. Or if this is
(36:07):
your preference and your typical go to a spiritual or
community leader so you know that what they tend to
offer you is an additional level of grounding. That you need.
The key to remember here as you're seeking support is
that support is not the same thing as a yes
(36:29):
person or that amen chorus. Your your support is one
who can give you that honest insight like, well, yeah, girl,
you wasn't keeping no secrets from them children, like no
wonder they no wonder they're giving they're giving you that
feedback because about time they gave you that feedback because
(36:52):
you ain't you been, ain't doing right by.
Speaker 1 (36:54):
Them, damn and so and and and it may suck
for you to hear this, but I mean the kids
was right.
Speaker 2 (37:05):
So what you're gonna do about it? Like, I know it,
I know it hurts. I know, But what you're gonna
do about it now? Because you want you want to
keep that relationship with them? Yeah all right, well let's
figure out how to do that, how to better keep
those children's secrets.
Speaker 1 (37:22):
Mm hm oh girl. And I think another thing to
keep in mind here is that there may be levels
to your support process, right, so you know how, sometimes
something happens and you're like fuck that. I don't want
no solutions right now. I want to talk to someone
invent Okay, I just want to invent to somebody and
(37:43):
you might call off that person and maybe this is
the guest person, right, but you call them up and
the purpose of that is to get it out of
your system and to vent to the person who you know,
what's gonna listen, black girl, you damn right. They are
very tripping because you kept my secret and whatever it
might be. Right, So you have your venting person, and
then usually after the venting, at least for me, then
I get into the more like, okay, let's be action oriented,
and then you might have another level of support where
(38:05):
this is where you're getting into Okay, what was true?
What can I actually identify from what they shared with
me as the truth?
Speaker 2 (38:13):
Right?
Speaker 1 (38:13):
And then you process that with that person. And also,
you know, not every sounding board is going to help
you hear the truth. So that is really I love
that you said a trusted source because sometimes I've known
some people. I'm trying, I'm trying to figure how I
want to work this, but some people who they'll go
to certain folks who have a vested interest in a
certain outcome, so they're not they're not unbiased, right, and
(38:35):
so they're leading this person to do something specific based
on what they want them to do. So it is
important to be mindful of who you're choosing to support you.
And this could be, like you said, individual support or
collective support with you and the person who's giving you feedback.
So let's get into this is our second to last one,
(38:55):
processing and implementing feedback steps. Ago we talked about how
you're collecting feedback you're getting curious about, Well, give me
some examples of when I did X, Y Z right
and how would you like me to show up? So
when it comes to processing and implementing the feedback, this
is when you really sit with what was shared and
you give yourself permission to step away and really think
(39:16):
about it. What was objectively right? That's the goal to
do objectively from what they shared, what is actually true? Right.
Sometimes it's a little fluff, right, Sometimes people put a
little extra on it, and you're like, all right, this
right here, Like I heard what they said, but we're
gonna put this over word. Yeah, yeah, that was that
wasn't real. That wasn't real, Okay. And I'm thinking of
(39:37):
a like a it might be a simple or silly example,
but I'm thinking about if your child is coming to
you with feedback about their bedtime, for instance, right, and
maybe you spoke to them a certain way, and maybe
you could change the tone up right, but the bedtime
is not going to change to the bedtime part. Okay,
we heard, we heard the feedback, but we're not we're
not changing, We're not implementing that particular feedback. But I
(39:57):
will work on my approach. That could be an example.
And this is also where you could potentially journal or
a voice note to explore again what's true here? What
can I take action on? What's not mine to carry?
That is a very important one as well. Yes, it's
not mine to carry. Right, Let's sit with that for
a second. We're going to add something to that.
Speaker 2 (40:17):
Really, Yes, I was going to go with your example
of the child not you know, in the bedtime, right,
and the child even feedback about the bedtime, it's not
yours to carry that. The child doesn't like that bedtime,
that's not the fact that they don't. Them not liking
their bedtime is not.
Speaker 3 (40:36):
Yours to hold.
Speaker 2 (40:37):
Yeah, Like their feelings about bedtime is for them to hold. Yep,
you as a parent might help them navigate those feelings,
but their feelings are not yours to hold.
Speaker 1 (40:52):
This is true and It's so important to make that
distinction so we don't get caught up in oh, whatever
they said, whatever they gave me feedback, and I have
to implement every right, all feedback doesn't need to be implemented.
And the other thing is, even though small changes based
on feedback can have big ripple effects, and following up
after implementing the feedback can also show growth and build trust.
I remember this is probably at this point, like thirteen
(41:16):
years ago and my previous relationship. My partner used to
give me feedback about my communication. And the thing about
it is I would communicate. I could communicate well with
my friends and with people, you know, colleagues, But when
we got because of the dynamic and you know, how
conversations were going at this time, I was like, no,
(41:36):
Like I was not a very good communicator in that
particular time in my life in that season, and I
had a habit of interrupting him and I wouldn't take
responsibility for things that I did. And what I learned
over time is that was a pattern. And as we
began to progress in our relationship, we would often have
disagreements about these certain things that would come up for
(41:58):
both of us and then to a point where I
was like, Okay, wait a minute, I'm getting this feedback.
I want to grow and develop. It can't just come
up every time we have a disagreement. I need to
start doing something to implement the feedback. So I began
to take it seriously. I wrote it down. I wrote
down ways that I could do better. Right, so instead
of interrupting, what I started doing is when we have
(42:18):
these deep discussions, I would get a note pad and
I would write down my thoughts to prevent me from interrupting.
So I'm still listening, but I'm also jotting down quickly, Okay,
this is what I want to say next because the
thought came up. I don't want to lose it. But
I also don't want to interrupt. So there were actually
things that I had to do, actions I had to
take to show that this is important to me, This
relationship is important, and I want to be better in communicating.
(42:41):
And when I tell you that my communication has grown
so much through those efforts that I took. But it
starts with being aware and then actually doing the work.
Speaker 2 (42:52):
Yes, I love that, like having the awareness and then implementing, yeah,
the strategies to actually make the necessary change, right, And
so I think it's important within that too. When you
(43:12):
are trying to implement, you've processed all the you process
all the feedback, you've sought counsel on. Okay, well what
do I do with this information? And going back to
our quote of the day, sometimes it's you receive feedback
and in order to make long lasting change, it's gonna
(43:36):
take multiple steps. You don't have to implement all of
those steps right away. If it feels overwhelming, you can
slow that process down. The key with that is to
circle back to the person who gave you the feedback,
(43:59):
let them know about the changes you are hoping to make,
and then ask for patients as you try to implement
the changes. Because the thing that we all know is
that change is hard, and you may there may be
five steps in the process. You might get all five
(44:22):
steps down and then six months later you find yourself
for getting all of those changes that you said you
were going to make and you backslide. It doesn't mean
that all is lost. You acknowledge that you messed up,
(44:45):
you take accountability, and you run through those steps again. Now,
this last piece, this is the one that I think
people will struggle with the most What do you do
when you disagree with the feedback? So that person that
(45:06):
you love and respect has share that feedback with you,
and your initial reaction was that's some bullshit, And you
went and you saw counsel, and you saw multiple council
(45:26):
because again, you want to make sure that you're not
you weren't getting that amen chorus, and everybody else was like, nah,
we don't agree with that either. How do you handle
that well in the moment, you take some deep breaths
because the nah, that's some bullshit is not going to
(45:49):
get you anywhere in your relationship with that person. Right.
Speaker 3 (45:55):
So the one thing that you can say is.
Speaker 2 (46:01):
I didn't experience it that way, but I really appreciate
you sharing your perspective with me. And I'm gonna say
that one one more time because I know that that's
not one that easily rolls off our tone. I didn't
experience it that way, but I really appreciate you sharing
your perspective with me. Now that particular statement, saying it.
Speaker 1 (46:25):
That way.
Speaker 3 (46:27):
Is helpful.
Speaker 2 (46:29):
Because you're letting them know one that you don't agree.
That's the kind way of saying that you don't agree
without invalidating what they experienced, and that's the key. When
you are engaging in uncomfortable, difficult dialogue, conversation, interaction, the
(46:59):
key to keep it from escalating into something worse is
to make sure that you honor where you are and
acknowledge what they are saying, because at the end of
the day, every single one of us wants to be seen,
(47:23):
heard and valued. And when you hit them right out
the gate with nah, that's some bullshit. I don't agree
with nothing you just said.
Speaker 5 (47:37):
Now you're telling them that you don't see them, you
don't hear them, and you don't value what they share
with you, and that is what leads to the conflict.
Speaker 1 (47:48):
Okay, So when you first went into this, I thought
of an example. I can't get too many details, but
I think I may have shared this with you offline,
but oh, this one. So disagreement doesn't mean and doesn't
have to mean disrespect. Right, there was a situation. All
I'm going to say is someone thought that I was
(48:08):
being malicious in something that I said to them, and
that almost lost my shit because I was like, you
have got to be kidding me, because literally I don't
even move that way. That's not like, that's not my
vibe and my spirit. I don't go around doing something.
Speaker 2 (48:23):
I remember what you're talking about, and yes that yeah.
Speaker 1 (48:27):
And so I think another thing to keep in mind
is that sometimes now I know we're talking about, you know,
the parent child dynamic, but shoot, sometimes if you got
grown kids, sometimes it happens too. Sometimes people can be manipulative, right,
and they can present gaslight, present something that may not
be the case. But the other thing to remember is
(48:49):
we it's okay to disagree with people, right, And sometimes
feedback says more about the other person's lens than your reality, right,
So all feedback is in fact, sometimes it's literally a
reflection of how they see the world, how they experienced
it whatever, whatever glasses or lens they're looking at, it
may be tanked it, right, and so it shows up
in a certain way. And so I think that what
(49:10):
was powerful for me in that moment dom where the
person I was talking to thought that I had malicious
intent when I did not, It was still important for
us to have the conversation. And so this was one
of those situations where I used the I hear you
and I see how you got there. That was not
my intention, although it may have been the impact, And
I think that something like that can be really helpful
(49:32):
because a lot of times our intentions it will not
match the impact just because humans were all different, right,
We'll all come from different vantage points, and so that's
something else to keep in mind as well when you disagree.
But again, especially if you want to maintain the relationship,
it's important to let the person know that they are
seeing they're heard. Did you say valued?
Speaker 2 (49:53):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (49:54):
Okay, I guess we'll value them as well, so yes, yes, yes, sure.
Speaker 2 (50:00):
I think the thing too to remember, particularly from this
perspective of you are the parents receiving the feedback. I'm
a firm believer that if you are, if you are
the elder in that situation, yeah, it is your responsibility
(50:26):
to show up with more maturity and more space and
grace for what that person is coming to you with.
Speaker 3 (50:39):
Right now, let me.
Speaker 2 (50:41):
Be clear, I am not that is that is not
an excuse for abuse, okay, But as the parents or
the elder it I stand on it is your responsibility
to be to take care of two parents that person,
(51:03):
no matter their age. So you could be eighty five
and your sixty year old child is coming to you
with remember fifty years ago. Hold space for that. Again,
(51:24):
you don't have to agree with it, but hold space
because at the end of the day, no matter how
old you are, they're still your child.
Speaker 1 (51:32):
I'm glad you made that distinction down that this is
because I can hear people now, well, this person's a narcissist,
they're abusive. We're not talking about those situations. Those are
definitely extreme situations where an outside support person should ideally
be involved. And we're not saying to put up with
any abuse. This is for a different scenario. So I'm
glad that you brought that up. Another thing to keep
(51:54):
in mind is that a lot of us were not
taught the skills to handle right difficult conversations receive feedback.
So another thing you can do is seek out tools, books, podcasts, articles,
seek out resources so that you can develop yourself and
your skill set so that you can hold space for
those things because a lot of us, especially I think
(52:15):
about the older generation, like my parents and grandparents, like
that age group, and we weren't taught. We were supposed
to be seen, not heard, and you're not allowed to
have had no feedback. So I think for many of us,
we're in a new era now, and so we may
have to up level our tooling and our resources so
that we can hold space for some of these difficult
conversations that or other generations did not have the privilege
(52:38):
or luxury to discuss.
Speaker 2 (52:41):
I love that that is a great reminder now, lady,
as you're listening today, we talked about what to do
how to navigate being on the receiving end of feedback
as the parent, the elder, the caregiver. Stay tuned for
(53:01):
a part two where we talk about how you can
deliver that feedback in a way that is healthy and
helps the relationship not harms it.
Speaker 4 (53:20):
It's doctor dom here from the Cultivating her Space podcast.
Are you currently a resident of the state of California
and contemplating starting your therapy journey? Well, if so, please
reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com.
That's d R D O M I N I q
(53:43):
U E B R O U S s ar D
dot com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. I
look forward to hearing from you. Thanks for tuning into
Cultivating her Space. Remember that while this podcast is all
about healing, empowerment, and resilience, it's not a substitute for therapy.
(54:08):
If you or someone you know need support, check out
resources like Therapy for Black Girls or Psychology Today. If
you love today's episode, do us a favor and share
it with a friend who needs some inspiration, or leave
us a quick five star review. Your support means the
world to us and helps keep this space thriving.
Speaker 1 (54:30):
And before we meet again, repeat after me, I honor
my journey by balancing effort and rest to achieve my goals.
Cheap Thriving Lady, and tune in next Friday for more
inspiration from cultivating her Space. In the meantime, be sure
to connect with us on Instagram at her Space Podcast
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