S27E9: Putting the Cape Down with Dr. Raquel Martin

Hey lady! As many of you know a healing journey is more than face masks and bubble baths. It’s a deeply personal cultivation of all of your life’s experiences and the tools you’ve picked up along the way. It’s the way you find yourself to wholeness and build a life of meaning and fulfillment and it is hard and cyclical and takes effort. It takes real courage to get into the insides of yourself and choose to grow, but it’s possible and it’s worth it.

This week, Dr. Dom and Terri invite Dr. Raquel Martin, a licensed clinical psychologist and host of the Mind Your Mental podcast, to discuss the rigorous path to living a healed life and the enrichment and reward of finding a path that works for you. Mental health and therapy are buzzy right now but those words are more than a passing fad. Dr. Raquel offers a unique perspective via straight talk to illuminate how people can find a path to mental wellness that feels authentic for them. Sometimes that may be boundaries, sometimes that means finding a mental health professional to work with, but all of the time it requires divorcing our thoughts from the patriarchal and colonial constructs that we use to build our realities. Babygirl, that is neither easy nor is it quick work but it is necessary for lasting change.

Wise words were once spoken that it all starts with looking ourselves in the mirror. When we begin to do the tough work of having honest conversations with ourselves, being real about our needs and untangling the deep wounding we have as a people we can begin to see more light in our lives so that we can be the light out in this world. 

Dr. Raquel may not be accepting clients but if you are ready to amplify your healing with support book a consultation with Dr. Dom or check our resources below for the right option for you! We love you for real, lady. Keep thriving!

Quote of the Day:
"You deserve rest that actually restores you, not just pauses you." 
– Dr. Raquel Martin  

Goal Map Like a Pro Workbook
Cultivating H.E.R. Space Sanctuary  

Where to find Dr. Raquel Martin:
Website: Martin Psychological Services
Podcast: Mind Your Mental
Instagram: @raquelmartinphd
LinkedIn: Dr. Raquel Martin, PhD.
Facebook: RaquelMartinPhD
YouTube: @RaquelMartinPhD
TikTok: @raquelmartinphd  

Resources:
Dr. Dom’s Therapy Practice
Branding with Terri
Melanin and Mental Health
Therapy for Black Girls 
Psychology Today
Therapy for QPOC  

Where to find us:
Twitter: @HERspacepodcast
Instagram: @herspacepodcast
Facebook: @herspacepodcast
Website: cultivatingherspace.com

Become a supporter of this podcast: .css-j9qmi7{display:-webkit-box;display:-webkit-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webkit-flex-direction:row;-ms-flex-direction:row;flex-direction:row;font-weight:700;margin-bottom:1rem;margin-top:2.8rem;width:100%;-webkit-box-pack:start;-ms-flex-pack:start;-webkit-justify-content:start;justify-content:start;padding-left:5rem;}@media only screen and (max-width: 599px){.css-j9qmi7{padding-left:0;-webkit-box-pack:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;-webkit-justify-content:center;justify-content:center;}}.css-j9qmi7 svg{fill:#27292D;}.css-j9qmi7 .eagfbvw0{-webkit-align-items:center;-webkit-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;color:#27292D;}

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.

Speaker 2 (00:04):
But you got to slow down, You got to recognize,
you got to check in with your body. The biggest
thing that most Black women and most black people and
people don't get is it's easy to get to a
ten on the anger scale, on the sadness scale, on
the frustration scale when you're waking up at an eight
every day. And so many people are waking up at
an eight every single day and they don't even know
it because they're like hustlering and bustling.

Speaker 3 (00:26):
Hey, lady, have you ever felt like the world just
doesn't get you? Well, we do.

Speaker 1 (00:34):
Welcome to Cultivating her Space, the podcast dedicated to uplifting
and empowering women like you.

Speaker 3 (00:41):
We're your hosts, doctor Dominique Brussard and educator and psychologists.

Speaker 1 (00:45):
And Terry Lomax, a techie and transformational speaker.

Speaker 3 (00:50):
Join us every week for authentic conversations about everything from
fibroids to fake friends as we create space for black
women to just b.

Speaker 1 (01:02):
Before we dive in, make sure you hit that follow
button and leave us a quick five star review.

Speaker 4 (01:07):
Lady, We are.

Speaker 1 (01:08):
Black founded and black owned, and your support will help
us reach even more women like you.

Speaker 3 (01:14):
Now, let's get into this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.

Speaker 5 (01:20):
It's doctor dom here from the Cultivating her Space podcast.
Are you currently a resident of the state of California
and contemplating starting your therapy journey? Well, if so, please
reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com.
That's d R D O M I N I q

(01:42):
U E b R O U ss ar D dot
com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation.

Speaker 3 (01:52):
I look forward to hearing from you, lady.

Speaker 1 (01:56):
Today we have a very special guest today, we have
doctor Hell Martin on the podcast Okay. She is a
dynamic force in black mental health and liberation psychology. Standing
at the intersection of clinical psychology and social advocacy. Doctor
Martin has a reputation as a pioneering thought leader. Her
presentations don't just inform, they ignite, sparking deeper thought and

(02:21):
broader conversations. Her work shines through initiatives like Burn the Cake,
a ten week support group she created to help participants
unlearn the toxic belief that strength means silence. Wood Child,
We need that, okay, root it in her research back
to curriculum, the program tackles burnout self advocacy, identity, and

(02:44):
compassion while centering culture and community. Now, there is so
much more that we could say about doctor Martin. Okay,
you have to go check out her instagram because it's lit.

Speaker 6 (02:53):
There's so much more we can say, but we rather
hear we rather you hear it in her words.

Speaker 4 (02:58):
Okay, so we're gonna go ahead and get her on the.

Speaker 1 (03:00):
Mike, Doctor Roquel Martin, welcome to cultivating her space.

Speaker 4 (03:04):
Thank you so much for having me. Of course, just
so welcome.

Speaker 3 (03:09):
We are so looking forward to this conversation. And so
we will start with our quote of the day. Now,
doctor Martin, these are these are your words? Oh well, yes, yes,
I'm so interested to hear.

Speaker 4 (03:22):
What I said.

Speaker 2 (03:23):
Because I talk so fast, I don't remember half stuff
say anyway, So okay these yes to me as well.

Speaker 3 (03:29):
Okay, all right, so our quote of the day from
doctor Roquel Martin. You deserve rest that actually restores you,
not just pauses you. Now I'm gonna say that one
more time for the folks in the back to make

(03:49):
sure you caught that you deserve rest that actually restores you,
not just pauses you. When did I was that recent
Was that a quote? Yeah, yeah, that was a recent
quote from this year. Yes, ma'am. Okay, embarrassed me. When

(04:14):
did I say this? Oh, it hasn't been a couple
of months ago. We were deep down on Instagram and
it was Yes, it was within the last couple of months.

Speaker 2 (04:24):
Yes, okay, I just I just did a post about
different types of rests. So I'm like, please, don't like
to speak from the post I did a couple of
days ago, because that would be crazy if I forgot that.
But I forget stuff like that all the time, honestly,
because you know that I post regularly. But I don't
know if I say stuff when I post her if
it was when I was teaching, or if I said
it in session, Like, there's so many different gyms.

Speaker 4 (04:44):
That I'm like, who knows where I said that.

Speaker 2 (04:46):
I'm not had just been saying it in my head
and thought I said it out loud, you know, like, yeah.

Speaker 3 (04:51):
But you dropping gyms, so that's what That's what matters,
is that you were dropping lots of gems in all
the spaces you're in.

Speaker 4 (04:59):
Thank you.

Speaker 2 (04:59):
I feel like when it comes to rest a lot
of times people, I think when it comes to most people,
but especially the black community. We're just always entrenched in
this type of performance and whether it's performing health or
performing you know, wellness, and most of.

Speaker 4 (05:15):
It is because you know, being here.

Speaker 2 (05:17):
We kind of only survive through the ultimate performance, like
we have to mask could switch or masks cold switching
is language switching, but masking is like creating whole avatars.
We have to perform comfort and a realm and an
environment that was never created for us.

Speaker 4 (05:31):
We have to act like people have not lost.

Speaker 2 (05:33):
Their freaking minds half the time with the way they
talk to and treat us.

Speaker 4 (05:36):
Like there's so much of a performance.

Speaker 2 (05:38):
So I find that it's so hard to get to
a place where our rest is actually restorative. In addition
to the fact that there are so many different kinds
of rest, and a lot of times people think arrest
is just sleeping, and that's like the physical aspect of it.
But there's mental rest, there's social rest, there's environmental rest,
of spiritual rest, and I think that it's very hard
to tease out all of them when you're truly just
trying to sur survive this ultimate performance in this fascist,

(06:03):
capitalistic society, racist society, Like it's insane, so Yeah, I
try to talk about rest is restorative a lot, and
kind of like breaking it down on what that looks
like in the first place.

Speaker 1 (06:15):
I'm just gonna mic drop. So you're starting the conversation
I've preaching. Basically, I am already taking notes. So if
you see my eyes wandering, just know I'm taking notes
on what you're sharing. I'm already taking notes and we're
not even five minutes in. So let's start at the beginning. Okay,
you're doing in psychology and advocacy is powerful. What is
your origin story? How did you become the doctor Raquel
mar O wec today?

Speaker 4 (06:37):
So I went.

Speaker 2 (06:38):
I always say if I didn't attend to HBC for
my bachelor's I probably wouldn't have been a psychologist. I
think most intro to psych classes are the pretty boring courses.
You learn about all like the European American creeps and
all the men, and you never actually get to see
yourself in the psychology. But being out a HBCU, I
got to learn about African sented psychology, and I got
to learn about therapy not only as psychology, not only

(06:59):
as a tool with therapy, but also as a resource
to drive change with like translational science and advocacy Brown
versus Board of Education. One of the research search studies
cited were by Kenneth and Mamie Phipps Clark, who were
two black psychologists who did the famous Doll study about
representation in different realms. So I don't think I would
have been a psychologists if I decided to do that

(07:20):
role if I didn't go to FISK. I actually was potentially.
I think I was going for nursing or med school,
but the classes were so they were just so boring,
like I just did not enjoy them. And the only
classes that did not bore me were in Black history.
So I kind of just combined the two. I will
say that as someone who states that they specialize in
Black health and well being, I was definitely told that

(07:40):
I could not specialize in Black health and well being,
like and not being a specialty during my doctoral program.

Speaker 4 (07:45):
So just the.

Speaker 2 (07:46):
Typical, like you know, ridiculous environment, but just being like
I'll show you and being who I am today in
addition to career as well as just like my personality
and style. I'm a Philly like I'm a Philly John
all day, like I'm for Philly I'm from Nicetown, so
my demeanor.

Speaker 4 (08:01):
Is very much that, like it's I am my mother.

Speaker 2 (08:05):
I'm the same person as my mom, like you know,
like so very fully oriented. But a lot of times
people will ask me, I'll get the comment that I
seem like just very direct and very unapologetic or whatever.
And I remember going to a church service and they
stated that you have to be broken in order to
get certain blessings, which I do not align with. Like
there's a lot of times I'm in church and I'm like,

(08:25):
you know, but when people ask who I am the
way I am when it comes to advocating and being
direct and stuff like that, it's because I have been
tried my entire life, like my entire life in so
many different realms, Like I have seen as many racists
in the boardroom as I have at the bus stop,
as many people trying to like shrink me, and just
even starting with like you can't specialize in black health
and well being, ridiculous expectations from my colleagues, from my peers,

(08:48):
Like I've always always the realm of my mom always
says I've been called worse by better, and because of that,
I think it was very easy to be clear on
my vision. But it was also very easy to advocate
for myself because I had a lot of practice with
a lot of people trying me. That's why most of
the time people are like, oh, it's so I would

(09:09):
love to have your style, and I'm like, listen, this
came hard. This came from crying in the car and
trying not to snap in meetings. This came from being
called aggressive. This came from you know, emails that I
shouldn't have been c seed on talking about me like
this came tough.

Speaker 4 (09:25):
And that was by a professional that was like.

Speaker 2 (09:27):
A psychologist who was supposed to be my supervisor, and
it was ridiculous. So whenever people are like, oh, how
do I get your style, I'm like, I wouldn't. I
wouldn't wish my trenches on anyone. So maybe just maybe
learn visually from me and try to apply it. But yeah,
very much psychologists, because fiscus is where I started off
hbcure here in Nashville, Tennessee, very direct and stuff because

(09:48):
like it's just very philly. Honestly, I live in Nashville,
but I'm not from here. My husband's from here, and
just being challenged and like tried all the time.

Speaker 4 (09:58):
And also like most.

Speaker 2 (09:58):
People think I'm younger than I am back in the day,
Like I always wear braids, and you know how bredes
make you like you twelve and we black. So can't
nobody tell times where people would assume that my intern
was the doctor in the world, like it's it's and
so many times I'd just be like or even just
the fact that, like I don't use a twenty dollars
word when a five dollars war will do. So most
people won't assume that I have a bachelor's, two master's,
a doctor at POSTOCN, intern training at Hopkins Publications journals,

(10:22):
Like people don't assume that just because I'm sitting here
teaching in a Wou Tang shirt don't mean I don't
know what I'm talking about.

Speaker 4 (10:27):
I know what I'm talking about.

Speaker 2 (10:28):
I just happened to love Wu Tang like Bu Tang
is forever, you know. So like I think a lot
of people about demeanor like throws them because I'm just like, yeah,
I actually have the highest degrees and most expertis is
in the room. I mean I can explain it with
a journal article. I can also explain it with a like,
you know, a most deaf lyric. Either way, I'm right,
and you knew.

Speaker 4 (10:48):
What I meant.

Speaker 2 (10:49):
So let's just focus because I'm the captain now, you know,
like focus.

Speaker 4 (10:55):
Guys have some loves.

Speaker 2 (10:59):
But yeah, that very much made maybe who I am, Philip.
I will say, Philly John through and through. I gotta
shirt this as doctor John, Like it's very.

Speaker 4 (11:07):
We are.

Speaker 2 (11:08):
Our people are people, most of us. I haven't met
a Philly person who's not pretty similar, says to me.
I actually am way more chilled than most Philly people,
probably because I live down south. For a minute, Like
when I go home, I'd be like, dang.

Speaker 4 (11:19):
This is how I used to talk to people too.
This is crazy, this is wild.

Speaker 3 (11:29):
Oh my goodness, I yes, this is you know, as
you were sharing your story, I think the thing that
resonated with me that came up was that some of
your experiences are so similar to a lot of professional
black women. Yeah right, you know, the colde switching, the masking,

(11:52):
the being the smartest person in the room or the
most degreed person in the room, but being treated as
if you're the least qualified in that space.

Speaker 4 (12:04):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (12:05):
And so when you reflect back on on your journey
where you are at this point in your journey, and
you mentioned that you wanted to specialize in in black
mental health.

Speaker 4 (12:23):
What does that mean exactly? What does that look like?

Speaker 2 (12:27):
That means like, so we get a wealth of training
when we're going through our programs and stuff like that.
And to me, you get it in your you get
the most training in your specialty. Right, Like if you
have a pediatrician, yes they're going to learn the adult body,
but like I mean, I'm gonna need you to know
like the way a moniscus and a patella looks on
a chat or how it's different from like a fifty
year old right, So from everything from like my research

(12:49):
with my dissertation, which is are like the apex of
their doctoral program which focused on health disparities within black individuals,
From the research I publish now, in the work I
do now, like as a scientist, I'm currently working on
creating a new model black identity development for youth. When
it comes to my clientele, the majority of the individuals

(13:09):
that I work with are black, not all of them,
but the majority of them are. When it comes to
my courses that I teach, because I'm also a professor,
I'm not teaching this semester because I'm only doing data collection.
But the courses I teach our psychology, the Black experience,
decolonizing research methods, and mental health, hip hop and activism.

Speaker 4 (13:24):
Right when it comes to the.

Speaker 2 (13:26):
I also train clinicians, like we have to take courses
continued education courses in order to keep our licenses. The
continued education courses I teach are anti racists and anti
oppressive care as well as integrating black identity development into
clinical treatment. And I'm actually teaching a free course. I
can think it's next week actually for ethical documentation for clients,

(13:48):
because I found that, like newer clinicians tend to overdocument
and we're getting into a time where we don't really
know who's going to have access to records, like that
documentation is sound, but we're getting into a place where
people have just been tripping when it comes to rules
and regulation. So it's always important to protect your clients
when it comes to documentation. So I thought it'd be
important to do a refresher course for individuals who are

(14:08):
working with undocumented clients or trans clients or clients that
may be considering abortion, like you need to I don't
even think you need to be talking about the fact
that a client is pregnant, I would just state that
the client is having a medical event. Like that's a
perfect example of like, oh they're having a medical event.
That's it, because you know, like documentations are sound, but
you never know who's going to have access, so when

(14:29):
it comes to that, and even of course my content creation, right,
like my goal is also with social media, is to
create free game, to have free resources, because I don't
think anyone has enough access to licensed mental health professionals,
like educated professionals. Only five percent of the psychologists in
the US are black, and that includes men and women.
Right There's literally only thousands of us in the entire

(14:52):
United States, and it's very hard to get access to
us because most of the time our caseloads are full
or have resources that are geared towards us as black
peace people. So my goal, even with my platform and
creating resources and mental health guides and mental health communities
and initiatives, focuses on black people and trying to make
sure I educate people on working with our population as well.

(15:12):
So everything I do, beginning to end, specializes in that
realm of from science to policy to everything and making
sure that I advocate for this community and provide people
with resources to work with us as well, because the
way that we're educated, honestly, I would say most licensed
mental health professional psychologists, licensed professional counselor social worker, it's

(15:33):
with a European American westernized perspective, and that is not us. Right, Like,
I'm a clinical psychologist, but I'm also a liberation psychologist, right,
So like it's the epitome of treating within context. My
goal is to help you work from the outside in
and the inside out. Because you can't outthink racism and
you can't outthink oppression. You have to fight it, right,
So my goal is also to equip clinicians with the

(15:56):
tools to help their clients understand that and to fight
the oppression, fight racism, because there's no amount of thought
catalog that's going to help you deal with that oppressive environment.
You have to figure out how you're going to attack
that from the outside in as well, and a lot
of people aren't trying to do that. So that's always
going to be ultimately my goal to advocate for that
in any way, shape or form therapy. The mental health

(16:18):
initiatives I have I just started a new mental health
group for black women to Burn the Cape. It's called
the Sanctuary. Well, we have three thousand members. It's free.
We have three thousand members and it's only been open
for nine days, so I do think my goal is
to hit ten thousand by our one year anniversary. But
I think we'll hit it by the end of this year.
And that's just solely because we have the Burn the

(16:39):
Cape group that I have, but it just fills up
so quickly in its donation base. So I wanted to
provide a space that was free for black women who
could get access to me. We do a live book
club every single month. The book this month is Sisters
of the Am by Bell Hooks. We do a live
mental health topic discussion for this month.

Speaker 4 (16:55):
The topic is the Obligation.

Speaker 2 (16:56):
We're focusing on the obligation to present strength for black women,
journal prompts and all that. And it's going to be
free as long as I can keep it free, which
will be which is easily possible. Right Like, every time
I mentioned the group, people are like, why are you
making it free? And I was like, because I can,
because I can afford to. I can afford to, you know,
like thinking about like, you know, there are always been

(17:16):
people who had more. If you have more, you can
give more, right And I canna afford to keep this
community free. I can afford afford the time and emotional
investment to like make sure we're doing these things and
checking in.

Speaker 4 (17:26):
I can afford it. I'm on abundance mindset. You said
so much money. I feel like I could just sit
back and I don't really need to ask. I feel
like I'm talking much.

Speaker 1 (17:35):
Yeah, I have question, keep it going of it.

Speaker 4 (17:39):
I do have a question for you.

Speaker 6 (17:40):
But the first question I want to ask is how
can they learn about the sanctuary? Because that sounds like
an incredible resource for listeners.

Speaker 2 (17:46):
So it's not on my website yet because I have
to you know, you got to make yes. You know,
I'm on WIS and I know it's it's very user friendly.
It's very user friendly. I just don't feel like it,
you know what I'm saying, Like it's not it's very
user friendly. So right now you can just go to
my Instagram or my TikTok. It's just the link in
the bio. And also for my last like four posts,

(18:08):
I made this like automation. I'm learning all of this technology,
you would think, let me say something. As much as
I create contents, all I know when it comes to
technology is when I hit the on button, it should
turn on and if it doesn't, something's wrong. Put it
in Rice. That's all I know. That's it. You know,
you can't even put a lap top in Rice. I
don't know, you know what I'm mean. But now the

(18:29):
last couple of posts, I set this setting where if
you put burn the Cape on the posts and you'll
get an EAT. You'll get a DM to sign up
for the community too. Yeah, so I'm trying to do
better with that. But yeah, free Community. We have like
different chat pages. We got the Cape Free Mama's page,
we got the rest Winds pay little chat page. We
have different local based pages too because there's three thousand

(18:50):
of US and including individuals in Canada and stuff like that.
So for people who want to get together locally. We
just had our first meet and greet today because the
group has been open for like a week, so I
wanted to make sure I met with people. And our
book club meeting is the first one is September seventeenth,
I believe, so you still have time, like the bell
books book. It's only I mean as I say only,
but apparently I have a weird barometer. It's only like

(19:11):
two hundred and fifty pages, you know what I'm saying.
You could read that like a week.

Speaker 4 (19:15):
You know.

Speaker 2 (19:15):
So, like somebody acts today like do you have to
have read the full book to engage? I'm like, no,
you don't have to read the full book to engage.
Like we're in a group full of a bunch of people.
You may get something just from them discussing it. You know,
you may decide to read it later. I buy books
not only to read all the books, but also to
support the individuals. And like I love the fact that, like,
depending on the vibe, I'm Matt, I can just grab

(19:37):
a book, like I don't always have to like go
to the library. I do still go to the library
twice a week with my son, but still like, so, yeah,
just go to my page rock elmren PhD. It's right
in the bio. It's also yeah, it's right in the bio.
I was about to say it's somewhere else.

Speaker 4 (19:51):
Probably not. Let me not get to lie.

Speaker 2 (19:53):
Just go to the bio and just go to the
bio and you can sign up but yeah, we host
the community on circle. It's very it's very is very
very active in I mean it's three thousand black women.

Speaker 4 (20:02):
You know, like, wow, we just speak. Yeah, that sounds
like a time. That sounds like a time to say it.

Speaker 1 (20:10):
I was going to ask you about decolonizing mental health
because but I feel like what you just described is
an example of that. But maybe for people who don't
fully understand what that means, can you break that down?
What does it mean to decolonize mental health? And why
do you believe that's especially important for black women?

Speaker 2 (20:26):
So so like if we think about the aspect of
I would say, like the colonial mindset, and an amazing
book on this is I'm actually pretty sure it's called
Decolonized by doctor Jennifer Mulan. It's over here somewhere. I
also camp on my glasses because my children move them
to be helpful. I lay on them a lot, so

(20:48):
they're already these boys are already knowing how to accommodate
someone in the house, so they move them. I get
like hot flashes at times and they'll be like, do
you need your fan needs her fail? Oh my god,
that is so precious, Like it's really to be helpful.
But then they you know, it's bedtime, so typically I

(21:09):
can just ask them, but.

Speaker 4 (21:09):
They knocked out. I don't know where they put these jobs.
But yeah, so.

Speaker 2 (21:16):
And there is nothing a lot that would make me
wake these children. Okay, okay, parenting after a PM is insane.
But doctor Jeff from Ulan, when you think about the
way most of us are educated, and this individualistic westernized
colonial mindset, and the colonial mindset is violent. It's it's abrasive,
it denounces individuality, it doesn't acknowledge historical and current harms.

(21:39):
It's patriarchal, it's degrading for anyone that's not the typical
European American man. Like, that's not the kind of education
system you want to learn of when you're trying to
do deal with therapy. And but that's how we're educated,
right like. Liberation psychology is the psychology of the people.
It is meant to advocate for and help the historically
excluded and marginalized population.

Speaker 4 (21:57):
I did not learn.

Speaker 2 (21:58):
About liberation psychology until I had graduated from my doctoral program.
The fact that we primarily learn about men male perspectives,
the fact that most of the diagnostic criteria that we use.
The book that we use to diagnose is incredibly short sighted.
It hasible, it's myopic views on the ways that different

(22:19):
different symptoms present themselves, and it's not doesn't have any
aspect of cultural humility. And that's what we're getting trained in.
And then we're being expected to be able to apply
this one view to everyone we work with. And then
when it doesn't work, or then when they don't show
up for these busted sessions where they don't feel seen,
then we talk about, ooh, they're being resistant. No, your

(22:41):
therapy is trash, okay, you know, Like I have had
clients transferred to me who were literally told that maybe
they're taking racism too seriously and maybe they need to
stop focusing on that so much if they want to
live a better life, to be more at peace. I've
had individuals who have been told that they're in mesh
with their family because they live in the same house
as their family and share this and share their you know,

(23:02):
income with their family. Yes, so like it's it's insane.
So when when you think about decolonizing it, it's about
taking information in from different perspectives of individuals who I
would say typically don't look like you when it comes
to like European Americans, but like when it's us taking
perspectives of people who do look like us, right when

(23:22):
it comes to learning Native reading about Native and Indigenous
like healers, and integrating that when it comes to making
sure that you're taking in narrative from individuals that also
don't look like you. Like I'm a cis gender heterosexual woman.
If I only read about healing and helping sis gender
heterosexual women, I wouldn't be any better than the colonizers.

Speaker 4 (23:44):
I mean, honestly, I'll always be better than the colonizers.

Speaker 2 (23:47):
They're trash, but like you know, like I wouldn't you know,
I wouldn't be as much better than them as I
prefer to be, you know, So making sure you're taking
in education, but also making sure you're looking into the
way that data is often in the way the practices
that we look at most of the time people are doing,
I don't know, like checklists to check the symptoms, but
I prefer to actually incorporate the perspective of the clinician.

(24:11):
We call it like qualitative analysis, like quantitative is numbers.
Qualitative is like focus groups and interviewers and honoring the
narratives of the people sharing the information, which is so
important to me as someone who specializes in a black
health and well being, because when I'm creating research studies,
I'm doing focus groups and I'm doing interviews and I'm
looking at that data. I'm not just doing a checklist,
because i want to hear the narratives of people whose
voices were historically stomped out, and it takes longer, and

(24:35):
historically people, you know, the scientists prefer like the qualitative.
They want to get the information quicker, but it doesn't
actually apply to us. So it's also about not only
looking into the answers that you're getting, but also who's
asking the questions, like are you acknowledging the privilege in
the room, are you acknowledging the intersectional identity? Like everything,
any any aspect of individualistic care that acknowledges the harm

(24:57):
and the oppression and stuff that's more decol versus the
The colonized perspective is more so wanting one specific view,
one perspective, and if you don't align with who they
consider the apex, which is European American men, then there's
something has like significantly wrong with you. Instead of looking
at the context of what's getting in you know, what's
contributing to the issues, and that's what everyone needs to do,

(25:18):
like you know, like it's it's it's it's necessary, it's
important and to make sure we provide the care that
is so deserved. And I also say it's more collective oriented.
I like, one day I need to get it to
ted Tuck or something like another one. But like, I
don't think there's any such thing as individual wellness. I
think everyone's been sold a lie. But it's collective, like

(25:40):
it's collective healing, collective identity because we all we operate
in systems like right, Like, the way I wake up
in my body is going to impact the way I
gauge with my children, the way I engage with my husband,
the way I engage with my students, my co workers,
shoot the person who cut me off. It is going
to decide whether or not I think it's worth it today,
whether you found the right one and the wrong what
at the same time, or whether I just take a

(26:02):
breath and be an adult because I got a session
in an hour.

Speaker 4 (26:06):
You know, like all of that.

Speaker 2 (26:09):
Will depend on everything, right Like, So it's also thinking
about like the collective like family of origin and family
of choice, and the fact that we are very much
a community oriented people. Like historically and currently we were
forced into a westernized, individualistic society, but that's not us
and that's not where you know, healing will thrive. So
it's also focusing on the community factors that can contribute

(26:31):
to you doing well and thinking of different aspects of healing,
because therapy doesn't have a monopoly on healing. Right, No
matter what path you take to healing, whether it is
therapy or activism or spirituality, it's going to be paid
with community. And bringing that in the room is really important.
But like the individualistic people, they all do that. It's awful.

Speaker 4 (26:52):
What it's like.

Speaker 2 (26:53):
They just offer themselves and that's you know, that's not
We've always had to lean on each other. So I
think community has always been important to us and necessary.
Oh so I'm gonna do listen, y'all, next five questions.
I'm gonna do very good.

Speaker 4 (27:10):
We love this. Great listen.

Speaker 3 (27:13):
We are here for this. We yes, you have our attention.
We are here for this. You're listening. And so when
as I was listening to you, the thing that kept
coming up for me as you were talking about community.
I kept thinking about black women and how we are

(27:33):
often the backbone of the community, right, that we are
the reason that the community is together, that the community
is working and functioning the way that it is, and
oftentimes we are making these communities function to our own detriment, right,

(27:54):
And so we are in that space of taking care
of everybody else in the community and not taking care
of ourselves. And so how can black women start to
identify when they are when they have shifted into this

(28:17):
space of ignoring themselves or suppressing their their needs under
the guise of strength, like I'm being I'm being strong
for everyone else.

Speaker 4 (28:32):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (28:32):
The biggest thing is they're going to have to do you,
like some introspection. I always state that you should be
the inspector gadget of you, and like even saying inspector
gadget ages me. One of these days, I'm gonna have
to find like a gen Z I don't know, TV
show with an inspector.

Speaker 3 (28:49):
I don't know, I don't know who is it, like
a Olivia Benson? Maybe like is Olivia Benson transgenerational? You know,
like you yeah, they know, okay, Okay, they.

Speaker 2 (29:02):
Know okay, because I said inspector Gadget. I've been I
use the same analogies a lot, and then when I
first started teaching, some of them got it my youth.

Speaker 4 (29:10):
But now they're just like, right, freak is she talking
about okay?

Speaker 2 (29:15):
Okay, and be like you know she oh, y'all, well,
we'll look it up later, like doctor Martin is Glitchen.

Speaker 3 (29:23):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (29:24):
I always say that she could.

Speaker 2 (29:25):
You should try to be an expert on you, like
you should really try to be expert on you for
But for black people, black men, black women, non binary
black folk, that's incredibly hard because we have been trained
to like silence our.

Speaker 4 (29:39):
Ourselves, right like we have been.

Speaker 2 (29:42):
People always say like stress as a silent killer, but
it's not silent. We have just been taught to be louder.
We're really adaptable creatures, right like we have to be.
We had to adapt to survive, So we had to
silence and numb the part of ourselves that let's us
know when something is hurtful, when something is painful, when
we can't manage, when something guts us, because we still
have the function in the society that is trying to

(30:04):
stop us down every single second of the day.

Speaker 4 (30:06):
So we have learned to silence it.

Speaker 2 (30:09):
Right, So, in order to get to the aspect of
dealing with your the fact that you've were forced into
a position to maintain this constant presence of strength, you
kind of have to slow down and acknowledge the fact
that this happened in the first place, right, Like, you
can't address what you don't acknowledge. You can't acknowledge that you
don't recognize, and you can't recognize what you haven't been

(30:32):
educated to see.

Speaker 4 (30:33):
But it starts with the education.

Speaker 2 (30:35):
It starts with acknowledging that we are very much in
a system that has always benefitted from our pain in
our bodies and our work, and how they benefit from
us not being keyed into our bodies. It's so funny
that so many people mentioned when I was first starting that, oh,
therapy isn't for black people.

Speaker 4 (30:51):
Why would we need therapy? Who needs therapy?

Speaker 1 (30:53):
More?

Speaker 4 (30:54):
What are you talking about? I would always be like,
what what what? What?

Speaker 2 (30:58):
What you think the the people? So the oppressors get
to have the therapy, but the oppressed don't. You've lost
your mind. That doesn't make any sense, you know. So
it's very much like we've learned to be numb to
our bodies. So I would state that it first starts
with the education of understanding that society very much benefits
from us not being keyed into our body to understand

(31:20):
that like a lot of times people will say it's
internalized oppression, but it's injected oppression, right, like the limiting
thoughts and the limiting beliefs have been forced on us
for so long. So many times people like to think
about biases like or oppression is like a chink in
the armor, but it is an issue in the system.

Speaker 4 (31:39):
But it is the system. You know, It's not the shark,
it's the water.

Speaker 2 (31:42):
Right, So we also have to understand that, like whether
we know it or not, we have been forced to
have this education through media, through books, through conversation, through
all this other stuff that we are not worthy of,
like acknowledging our emotions to being worthy at all of
doing anything but working and working to support them, to
support the machine, and knowing that these are all lies.

Speaker 4 (32:05):
Violence done against us.

Speaker 2 (32:06):
That starts with the education, and then we can recognize
the way it comes out. We recognize the way that
it comes out in us not realizing that we are
smiling when we're in pain. And saying we're fine when
we're exhausted because we don't think anyone's going to show up,
and the system has been driven so that we don't
show up. We overwork to avoid feeling different things like
sadness or anger or grief. We are taking care of

(32:28):
everyone but ignoring our own signals because we don't even
know what it's like to be in our body emotionally.
We also taking care of everyone else because systemically we
have less resources and things like that, and knowing that
that's a cause of the symptoms, so we can recognize it,
so we'll check in with our body more before we
wake up. We don't reach right for the phone, right,
we don't reach for obligation. We can have specific routines

(32:52):
and limits that are protected, right, Like, certain thing that
I do is one meal a day. It's likely lunch,
when I'm in the house alone. I'm not doing anything else,
been eating right now the other meals, because you know
a lot of times people will say stuff that's like
just totally unreasonable with different parts of life, right like, oh,
have all three meals and make sure you're mindful during
all of them.

Speaker 4 (33:12):
Absolutely not during one meal. I'm standalistic.

Speaker 2 (33:15):
I'm standing and handing my children food. During the other meal,
I'm in the car dropping.

Speaker 4 (33:19):
The child off. But one meal a day, I can
give you one meal a day.

Speaker 2 (33:23):
I can give you one meal a day where I'm
just focusing on my meal, you know, But don't get crazy,
you know what I'm saying, Like this is, you know,
so like being mindful of that to walk, waking up
and checking it on your body and realizing how you've
been feeling. If you're feeling exhausted and you want to
sleep exhausted, that's when we talk about the different kinds
of rest. But before we even get to trying to,
you know, address stuff, we have to recognize how it

(33:47):
comes out in us. So I mentioned like waking up
and trying to like sitting in our body, not reaching
for obligation. I like the idea of being more mindful
with maybe just one meal or having a walk. And
I'm not saying fifty seventy minutes. It could just be ten.
It literally could just be ten outside. And then you
get used to your baseline, so you know when you
get knocked off your baseline. I also like just the
basic idea of visual validation, like I have a mirror

(34:09):
in my shower because that is when like I'm well one,
it's for twist outs clearly, you know, Like I just
realized that, like my hair is actually never it's never
wet enough.

Speaker 4 (34:17):
That's why most of my styles don't come out right.

Speaker 2 (34:19):
Just in case anyone else, apparently my hair has never
been wet enough. It's supposed to be. I'm supposed to
wed it for like three minutes. So there's that. But
also it's very hard to lie to the mirror. So
when I'm waking up and telling everyone I'm fine, and
then I look at my face and I'm like, oh
my god, what's happening. I haven't seen my clabical in

(34:40):
ages because I eat my feelings.

Speaker 4 (34:42):
My eyes look like who did it? And why?

Speaker 2 (34:45):
I look like I'm on the Walking Dead and I
actually just look miserable. And even if it's not visual,
I'll tell people to voice the all themselves, like throughout
the week or do like you know, you don't have
to post everything but record stuff. And I'm like, you
know when you said you were fine a week ago,
and I ask you to record it video like once
a day, I want to see that video. This is
what I would say my clients, and I'm like, okay,

(35:05):
does that look fun to you? You look permanently shocked.
It's so hard. It's easier to lie to yourself until
you see it. So now we're at the point of
recognizing it, and then we're trying to and the next
we try to figure out what we can do to
make little incremental changes to improve it. If I'm working
with my clients, I'm not trying to give you like
a bunch of a million things to do in one
point in time. If we are doing one shift to

(35:28):
your routine, one shift to your thought process, one shift
like in homework, I'm actually not going to incorporate anything
else for at least like two weeks, because I want
you to give it time to work or not work
because it might not work, and then we know why
and we adjust it. But I'm also not going to
overwhelm you with the fact that you already freaking overwhelmed.

Speaker 4 (35:43):
Why would I give you five pieces of.

Speaker 2 (35:44):
Homework when you're already exhausted, Like now I'm the ops,
I'm the problem. Like oh so I came to therapy
to get healed, but now you don't stress me out
too Okay, don't be prepared to see me next week. Girl,
the check will not clear because you pissed me. You know,
it's not happening, you know. So like those incremental steps
and it's slow going, and like the best thing about

(36:05):
therapy is you have someone walking you through it. But
like also, anybody listens to this podcast, you can do
that yourself.

Speaker 3 (36:11):
You know.

Speaker 2 (36:12):
Like therapy is fantastic, but once again, it does not
have a monopoly on healing. That's why I create the resources,
and that's why I create the community because I really
just want you to have more access to be like
this is in therapy, this is psycho education, but this
is how something that may help you. And if it
still doesn't help you and there's limits, of course, continue
to look for a clinician. But I like being able
to kind of be like a band aid or a
bridge until someone finds who they need. But you got

(36:34):
to slow down, You got to recognize, you got to
check in with your body. The biggest thing that most
black women and most black people and people don't get
is it's easy to get to a ten on the
anger scale, on the sadness scale, on the frustration scale
when you're waking up at an eight every day, and
so many people are waking up at an eight every
single day and they don't even know it because they're
like hustling and bustling. And it's tough because we're suppressing

(36:55):
our emotions. And so many of us are like high
achieving individuals. So you are going to have to slow
You aren't gonna have to slow down. And I don't
think it takes a ridiculous amount of time. You can
take fifteen minutes, you can take fifteen minutes. You don't
scroll for fifteen minutes, you know, like you could take
fifteen minutes.

Speaker 4 (37:11):
There's no way you don't have fifteen minutes.

Speaker 2 (37:13):
Anytime someone has told me that, I'm like, right, we're
gonna go through your day right now.

Speaker 4 (37:16):
For that's that's what session is. That's what session is.

Speaker 2 (37:19):
Because I'm gonna fine fifteen minutes, you sit in your
car before you walk in the house for fifteen minutes,
you scroll online for twenty five I totally get it.
Some of the best series and content out there is
honestly on Instagram. I like Instagram more than I watch TV,
you know, So it's like, you got fifteen minutes, You're
not gonna lie to me you pay it, you won't.
I mean, if you want to pay me a lot
of me, fine, you can lie to yourself for free, okay,

(37:41):
you you.

Speaker 4 (37:42):
Don't have to come in here and do that.

Speaker 2 (37:44):
Like either way, we got sixty minutes, so I mean,
you want to do this or you wanna what you're
trying to do, you know, so and working with them
to do that right. And it's one of the reasons
why I have so many free mental health guides on
my website because I want to provide the tools for
you to be able to do that.

Speaker 4 (37:59):
Because my case, Lodi is fol like, I.

Speaker 2 (38:01):
Don't have anything more to give with that, but I
can give you the resources I can make the mental
health community. I can do all that, and I can
also point you in the right direction to someone who
may be able to help you. One of the biggest
things that I try to do when it comes to
mental health in our community is like foster autonomy. Make
you understand that you have agency and you can take
control over the way this manifests you in the first place,

(38:23):
because that's one of the main things that have been
taken away from us as black people, right agency, the
ability to know that we're the experts in our own body,
like we're constantly being told something and something doesn't apply
to us.

Speaker 4 (38:34):
I provide resources because I also want you to know that.

Speaker 2 (38:36):
You know, I'm the expert in the room when it
comes to psychology and therapy, but you're the expert in
the room when it comes to you. So if you
tell me we don't work it on work, if you
need another resource, you need another resource. If we don't
like that skill, we don't like that skill. But I
really want you to get used to being able to
advocate for yourself in that room too, which is why
I get people like it here.

Speaker 4 (38:52):
You go do what yourself. You got this, I believe it.

Speaker 6 (38:54):
You reach out if you don't, but like I think
you're good, doctor Mark. And okay, there is So that
was the Ted talk. I think that was it right there,
because that was so amazing. First, it was so empowering.

Speaker 1 (39:07):
I love your empowering perspective where you're not making the
clients dependent upon you, but you're giving them the autonomy
the resources. I love how practical these are, like you
can easily choose. Okay, I'm gonna deep take some deep
breaths when I wake up and think about what I'm
grateful for versus grabbing my phone right like off the
practical tips you share, so I know people are going
to be rewinding that part for sure.

Speaker 4 (39:27):
There's so much that you said, so many gems drop.

Speaker 1 (39:29):
Oh my goodness, I want to talk to you about
trauma though, So we know that trauma doesn't start with us, right,
It can pass down a lot of times. What are
some of the ways that intergenerational trauma shows up in
our daily lives and how can we begin to break
those cycles?

Speaker 2 (39:46):
I would say one of the biggest things is kind
of what doctor Domin mentioned earlier with the question of
like how do we spot suppressed emotions? We were taught
to suppress emotions a lot of times. Why the people
around us who you know, made it seem that those
emotions were an issue. The only emotion we were able
to have is gratefulness, which isn't even an emotion like
you need to be happy to be here, that I
even brought you here, and you know, so we learned
that from the people around us, and then we also

(40:07):
learn that from society of making it that there's no
safe emotion to express as black people like can't be
angry because then they'll think you're a danger. Can't be
too happy because then they going to be like, which
you so happy for, let me take it away from you.

Speaker 4 (40:17):
Right, So there's that.

Speaker 2 (40:20):
I would say one of the biggest things is through parenting,
Like a lot of individuals are parenting out of obedience
based parenting, fear based parenting, instead of respect based parenting.
Like there's so many different concepts of like gentle parenting
or conscious parenting. I trut my children like human beings, right,
but the obedience based parenting makes sense.

Speaker 4 (40:37):
Well.

Speaker 2 (40:38):
The fact that like parents had to protect us and
we could only listen to something once because it was
literally life or death. Right, But we've also evolved past that,
and a lot of us are parenting out of racism
related fear. Right, Like we don't want we want our
children to be able to make mistakes, but we also
understand that there's a fear that it may be the
only mistake that they're allowed to make.

Speaker 4 (40:56):
They're not granted certain freedoms.

Speaker 2 (40:58):
So a lot of times we parent out of fear,
and then we're overstrict and we say you only have
one time to understand this, because it can be the
last time, which leads to screaming and snapping and stuff.
And I can understand where it comes from, where it
stems from, but you're really just severing your relationship with
your children and then all their other relationships. The parent
child relationships is the most sailing relationship. That's going to
impact the way that they engage with their partners, with

(41:19):
their friends, with their colleagues, everything, right, So that's very generational.
And I would also say, like the whole I don't
know house business says in the house thing is something
incredibly difficult because we didn't have any trusted advisors, and
we did have people using stuff against us and trying
to incarcerate us and hospitalize us and stuff like that.
So once again I get the roots of it. This

(41:39):
is also what I mean when I say that I
specialize in black.

Speaker 4 (41:41):
Health and well being.

Speaker 2 (41:42):
It would be the epinion of you know, like I
find a lot of clinicians with black people will do
like root, we'll do branch work, like I'll do the
thought quite along and do the journal. But it's like, okay,
so where's the roots of that hypervigilance around police officers,
where's the root of them feeling like they can't trust anyone.
Where's the root of them overworking because of scarcity trauma?
You know, like where does it come from? Racism and oppression?

(42:02):
Like if you don't get to the root, you know
it's going to be the fruits are going to keep spouting, right,
So that's where it comes out. And the only way
that we can really break it down is to challenge it,
to acknowledge it, to take little steps. I don't think
it's going to happen overnight, but to advocate for yourself
in different realms. Right where it comes to people stating maybe, oh,
we don't express ourselves and we keep secrets.

Speaker 4 (42:22):
Let me tell you something. I'm I don't keep secrets.

Speaker 2 (42:24):
So if it's something let's say like in family dynamic,
and I don't mean like secrets in terms of like
surprise birthday, I mean and like a lot of times
people will just be like, I'm not going to acknowledge
what's happening in the room. I'm going to allow someone
to treat me terribly. I've always been talked to you
this way, Like they've always talked to me crazy.

Speaker 4 (42:41):
So it's okay, they're too old to change you. If you.
You've been on this earth long enough to know, you know,
run up, get done up?

Speaker 2 (42:49):
Amen? Okay, come, oh you know like so it's like
you so if you're Whenever people say things like I'm
too old to change, what they're really saying is I've
decided that my comfort is more important than our relationship,
right because change is difficult and change is uncomfortable.

Speaker 4 (43:03):
Right.

Speaker 2 (43:04):
So then it also breaking generational cycles is one. I'm
very big on modeling, showing the way that things need
to happen, because generations are your children too. So letting
your children see how you handle conflict and not it
being having to degrade them, having them see you advocate
for them, and having them see you advocate for yourself.
Oh well, I can't deal with you disrespecting me in

(43:24):
this environment. So although the mac and cheese is fantastic, okay,
I'm leaving and you don't get to treat.

Speaker 4 (43:31):
People like this.

Speaker 2 (43:32):
Oh maybe my child happens to be overweight and then
someone likes to comment on that. We don't comment on
anyone's bodies, and you're not going to disrespect my child
like that, because my child is deserving of respect to
or even advocating for yourself in that realm, right, breaking
the cycle when it comes to even just acknowledging the
fact that you need help, there's so many GENERATIONALI spears
thinking you need to do it all on your own,

(43:52):
just stating that, Like, and I like to call it
not just breaking generational curses, but building generational bonds, because
that's the next step, right, Like you break something down
and then as a result, you're going to build something else.
And it's all in the language like I really just
having the affirming language of I just hate the word curse,
Like I get it because it is a curse, you
know what I'm saying, Like, it's but they can be broken,
and we can think about how we're building the generational

(44:13):
bonds as well and thinking about what you want to
do next. Right, it starts with you. I think it's
building a generational bond to acknowledge the fact that you
are worthy and acknowledge the fact that you were deserving
a rest and thriving in a world that never expected
you to survive, let alone thrive. Right, So I don't
think it has to always be the big like to

(44:35):
do conversation in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner, I am
setting a boundary. It can also just be like I'm
out and I'm about to make my own turkey sandwich
and watch a living single marathon and that's going to
be my new Thanksgiving tradition, right, because like, no one's
too old to change. People just decide that their comfort

(44:58):
is more important than your relationship with them. Everything is data.
Everything is data, like everything is information. So it's like, right, okay,
so I'm supposed to change to your comfort, but you're
not supposed to acknowledge or respect me.

Speaker 3 (45:12):
Wow.

Speaker 2 (45:13):
Well, on a totally unrelated note, I'm probably not going
to see you again. It's been real, but it has
not been real fun, don't you know. Don't ask my
mom where I'm at. Don't ask my brother where I'm at.
They know where i'm at. You know, don't ask if
you're blocked the answer is yes, yeah, just assume you are.

Speaker 4 (45:31):
Yeah, I'm out, you know.

Speaker 2 (45:34):
But yeah, I would say acknowledging it, acknowledging the ways
that comes out in your life, seeing how you want
to move forward, going next, how you want to build
those bonds with yourself, with your family, family of origin,
and family of choice. Because once again, we're in communities.
So you can decide that you maybe you don't have
your own children, but maybe you have nieces and nephews,
maybe you have a partner that you also want to
pour into them to make sure that they are being

(45:55):
respected in a way, and that's going to trickle out
into our community as well.

Speaker 4 (46:01):
I love that.

Speaker 3 (46:02):
I love your responses, and I'm sitting with that and
I'm listening and I'm like, yup, I've told my clients that,
I've told my clients that I know that, and yet
I also know that even as a therapist, even though
I know these things, that there are times when it

(46:22):
really is hard to do this ourselves.

Speaker 5 (46:27):
Right.

Speaker 4 (46:27):
Oh it's always hard.

Speaker 2 (46:28):
Let me say something. This stuff is not fun half
the time, Okay, you know, like half the time. People
will be like, oh, I want to do the journal.
Oh the journals is not I mean that'll help, but
you know what you're gonna have to do.

Speaker 4 (46:39):
You're gonna have to uproot one hell of a tree.

Speaker 2 (46:42):
Uh, and it's gonna take a minute, and it's not
gonna be fun.

Speaker 4 (46:45):
Taking care of yourself is not fun.

Speaker 2 (46:47):
A lot of times people will be like, oh, I
want to do self care, and self care is not sexy. Okay,
it is not Robin Rihanna fency. It is tube socks
and high cut briefs. It's just support. Half the time,
you're not even gonna want to do it. Half of
my self care is budgeting. I can't stay and having
to apologize when I'm wrong, trash, you know, like.

Speaker 4 (47:05):
Going for a walk when I just want to stay
in the house and eat cookies. Oh my goodness, yeah, vomit.
But it makes me a better human, so I'm gonna
do it.

Speaker 2 (47:14):
You know the reason why I slowed the reason why
I slowed down so much and make sure I'm getting
stuff right, is because when I'm wrong, I have to apologize,
and I hate apologizing, so I would rather just stop
being wrong. I would rather just slow down because I
have to apologize. You have to, Rachard, you have to.

Speaker 4 (47:32):
You know, you think it's easy to raise children out
of respect. It's not.

Speaker 2 (47:36):
I get while children were seen and not heard, they
always got something to say. They're always hungry, they always
got something to say. This is awful, But I also
not hitting my children. It's easy to make children fear you.
They're smaller than you, they depend on you for everything.
It's easy to cut down their self worth and self esteem.
They need to be able to you know, we're building
a little alarm systems for them. They need to know
be so steeped in respect and compassion that any environment

(47:59):
they go in that isn't that their alarm goes off.

Speaker 4 (48:01):
But is it fun? No, it sounds a lot of
people are sure you're.

Speaker 2 (48:08):
Why are you asking me why the sky is blue
at nine o'clock and your bed Thomas d.

Speaker 4 (48:12):
Walk you already, come on? What is happening? Are you okay?
I'm not okay, go to sleep.

Speaker 2 (48:20):
But I'm like, hey, you know then what I'm saying like,
it's not it's not easy. Oh my gosh, I have
a psychologist too, thank God bless them.

Speaker 4 (48:29):
Yes, no, it's not easy.

Speaker 2 (48:30):
I think that's the biggest thing people think, like, oh,
you know therapy, I just think my thoughts. No, you
think your thoughts and then you put action behind them.

Speaker 4 (48:37):
Sucks. It is gonna be tough. What do you want?

Speaker 2 (48:42):
Like, relationships are tough for ciprocal relationships are tough. So
many times people will be like, oh, well, you know,
I didn't think it would cost that much work. It's
a lot of work for you to be in a
relationship with yourself. Yeah, you think it's gonna be easy
to be in a relationship with somebody else who's body
you ain't been in your whole life. You've been building
these terrible I mean, these people have been innundating you
with terrible thoughts and limiting beliefs for like twenty five years,

(49:04):
and you expect to be able to get rid of
them in six weeks fifty minute sessions.

Speaker 4 (49:10):
You don't even do your homework? Are you insane? Are
you okay?

Speaker 2 (49:16):
Do I have to make you twice a week because
you're you've lost Slice of Week doc? You know, Like,
but it's just it's very Yeah, I get it.

Speaker 4 (49:26):
It's hard.

Speaker 2 (49:26):
It is hard. It's but you know what the alternate
is worse. Walking around miserable is worse. Having my children
and walk around not being whole functioning people is worse.
Not having the amazing community that I have because I
pour into them the same way they pour into me
is worse. And just feeling like trash and like thinking
that that's the way I'm supposed to be is worse.
Like it's work, but it's worth it. Say the same

(49:46):
thing about marriage, Like, yeah, it's work. But it's worth it. It's
not like work in terms of pulling teeth. It's work
in terms of like I mean, I hate the color
of cabinets you picked, but I guess I won't leave
you over it, you know, like fine whatever, like that
kind of work, not like soul crushing I can't stand
your face work Like that's right.

Speaker 3 (50:08):
These are different. Those are totally different. Those are totally different.

Speaker 2 (50:13):
Sometimes people make marriage be like, oh it's so much work,
and I'm like, yeah, I mean but like, I mean,
my my, what do you mean? Like you mean like
you're miserable, because I'm not miserable now, Like we're not
in the same I just mean work. Like you know,
sometimes I just don't want to talk all day, and
you kind of got to be sometimes I just don't
want to be an adult and you kind of have
to not in terms of like if this man ain't

(50:36):
come home.

Speaker 4 (50:36):
I'd be okay.

Speaker 3 (50:37):
Like I ain't saying okay, okay, a different conversation.

Speaker 4 (50:42):
We're not doing the same work.

Speaker 2 (50:43):
I just really just I just I just don't want
to I don't know, I don't want to share a
bedroom with anyone now because I don't love you just
because like.

Speaker 3 (50:53):
Today.

Speaker 2 (50:54):
I mean, you know, I shared my body with two kids.
I should be able to have a whole floor to myself.
You know, I don't make I don't make the rules.
These are just the rules. I wholeheartedly think. You know,
you hit thirty, you shouldn't have.

Speaker 4 (51:06):
To share one with anybody.

Speaker 2 (51:07):
M h. I love that part, you know, but yeah,
once again, you know I also like looking at your face,
so it's it's weird. Gotta balance it out, you gotta
balance it out. Guys, don't don't leave them over the
ugly cabinets. Now, if he makes a mistake twice, maybe
leave them, but you know, hopefully that'll make his wife.

Speaker 3 (51:34):
Well in factor Martin, this has been so much fun.

Speaker 2 (51:40):
I did not think I was gonna have this kind
of energy at ten o'clock and not.

Speaker 4 (51:46):
Yes, yes, we do appreciate you.

Speaker 3 (51:49):
Yes, And so one final question our listeners. We know
that they have been enjoying this conversation, and if they're
not already following you on social media, like what are
they doing? Where have they been? But for those that
aren't familiar, tell them where to find you, and then

(52:13):
remind them again about all of your free resources that
they'll be able to access.

Speaker 2 (52:19):
Yes, So you can find me at Raquel Martin, PhD,
r a q u e L Martin, PhD. On Instagram,
on threads, on LinkedIn, It's just doctor Rachel Martin. On Facebook.
I probably post like once a day. There's also my podcast,
The Mind You Mental Podcast. We're going into season four.
Season four starts September ninth, so that's going to be fantastic.

(52:41):
It's the first season in a while without guests. I
realize I have so much to say, and it's just
like the good thing about a good host.

Speaker 4 (52:46):
You guys are good hosts.

Speaker 2 (52:47):
You're supposed to listen, and I'm like, I don't think
I'm r in a space to listen anybody. So I
kind of think I just need to have it with
just me for the season because I just be like, oh,
you got so much to say. So we'll probably go
back to guests next season. But you know, you know,
good hosts be listening. And that's why some of these
people a good hosts because I'd be like, I know
it's your show, but like there's a guest here, Can
I even talk?

Speaker 4 (53:08):
Can I hear the guests?

Speaker 3 (53:09):
You know?

Speaker 4 (53:09):
Okay, this is a good thing.

Speaker 2 (53:11):
About knowing yourself, because when I was writing the topics,
I was like, yeah, I'm probably gonna be a terrible
host if I have a guest, so I'm just gonna
make it me. Let's just take that with the other seasons.
The other seasons have guests. So I have the podcast
and then my website rackelmartinphd dot com. If you go
to I think it's mental health guides or mental health resources,
you create an account, free account, but as soon as

(53:32):
you log in, all of the resources are there and
you just have to download them as well, so that's
very easy. And then I have two mental health initiatives.
They're both under Burn the Cape, but the Sanctuary is
the free mental health community that I mentioned we hosted
on Circle. You could just go to my Instagram and
be able to click the link in my bio and
then I have to burn the Cape Support Group, and
the burn the Cape Support Group ten weeks of free
support group session. It's solely donation based because we do

(53:55):
pay the licensed mental health professionals to run the group.
It's ten weeks ninety minutes each week, and you only
it used to be that we could keep it primarily free,
but I also have to pay the licen mental professionals
in addition to the donation. So it's fifty dollars flat
fee ten weeks ninety ninety minute sessions with licensed mental

(54:15):
health professional support group. You get a journal, you get
a care package, you get I think the new cohort,
we're gonna actually have a coloring book, and then you
get to work with them.

Speaker 4 (54:24):
But not fifty dollars a week.

Speaker 2 (54:25):
Fifty dollars flat fee, ten weeks ninety minute sessions, and
we kind of just we do that work too. I
love it because I get to pour into the Black community,
not only with the participants we typically have. The next
cohort will be three hundred members, the last cohort one
hundred and seventy five. But I also get to pour
into the black women because they are getting paid to
be the facilitators. And then I also get to play

(54:46):
to pour into the black community. Everyone gets a care
package and they're always black owned businesses, and we pay
for everything. It's not like, you know, oh, can you
donate three hundred soaps? No, I'm paying for to three
hundred soaps and the stuff like that. So it's very many,
many layers of being able to pour into the black
community therapeutically financially, which is really really important. But yeah,
post like once a day and hopefully I'll have a

(55:08):
book coming out soon soon meeting probably like two years.

Speaker 4 (55:11):
But like, yeah, so I'm out there, guys. Listen, you
are out here doing the Lord's work. We appreciate you.
Thank you so much.

Speaker 1 (55:20):
When you were speaking like how can we use technology
to like clone her and make other doctor Rockel Martin
so we can have them all over the world, I
mean you're just doing that.

Speaker 2 (55:29):
That's what the burden the Cape is, right, Like eventually
the goal is actually just going to schools and be
like okay, so like these clotsices are going to be
certified in this model. We also are working on myself
and two colleagues working on a break the Hammer group
for black men. Anytime I talk about the group of
black women, then I'll be hearing like, man, what about
us though, And I'm like, I'm working on it, okay,

(55:50):
But like the women came to be first, so okay,
they got the group earlier. Yeah, you know, like that's
just what it is. So there's going to be a
group for black men as well. But the goal is
to actually make it a train any modules, so that
we can educate the people, because I'm gonna listen. Once
my boys get to middle school, and I mean I'm
doing pta. It's like on the field trips, there's only
so much. I gotta watch these little babies grow because

(56:12):
they yeah, so like every pretty much everything's gonna take
a backseat to the boys pretty soon. So I'm trying
to do as much as I can because once we
get into all this other stuff, I'm gonna be at everything.
I'm gonna be on the sideline screaming at a debate club.
I'm gonna be at I'm bringing everything, Like I want
to see this doctor, mar We appreciate you so much.

(56:37):
I have a feeling that we're gonna have more conversations.
I feel like this is we could. We could have
still talked for hours, So we're gonna have to have
to get up early though, because this is we got
to we can.

Speaker 4 (56:49):
We can were flexible. We got the reply.

Speaker 7 (56:51):
I was like, god, damn I said that, but like
my gods, wana, Okay, where we got you?

Speaker 4 (57:04):
Next time we will having morning. Yeah, I would love
to continue the conversation. I really appreciate y'all having me
in the first place. This is fantastic. Yeah, so welcome.
Thank you so much, lady. Thank you.

Speaker 1 (57:16):
If you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure of your next steps,
this is for you. Hey, Lady, is Tea here and
I just want to invite you to my free goal map,
like a pro coaching workshop, where I'll share the five
proven steps to get unstuck and achieve your goals. Whether
you're feeling overwhelmed by all your ideas, juggling scattered ideas,

(57:37):
or maybe you just need confidence to start, this workshop
will give you the clarity, tools and the motivation to
take back control. Reserve your spot for free by visiting
her spacepodcast dot com and clicking on the goal map
like a pro webinar link. Lady, don't miss this chance
to build a roadmap that fits your life and set
you up for success.

Speaker 4 (57:57):
I hope to see you there.

Speaker 3 (58:01):
Thanks for tuning into Cultivating her Space. Remember that while
this podcast is all about healing, empowerment, and resilience, it's
not a substitute for therapy. If you or someone you
know need support, check out resources like Therapy for Black
Girls or Psychology Today. If you love today's episode, do

(58:23):
us a favor and share it with a friend who
needs some inspiration, or leave us a quick five star review.
Your support means the world to us and helps keep
this space thriving.

Speaker 1 (58:34):
And before we meet again, repeat after me, I honor
my journey by balancing effort and rest to achieve my goals.
Cheap Thriving Lady, and tune in next Friday for more
inspiration from cultivating her Space. In the meantime, be sure
to connect with us on Instagram at her Space Podcast

Speaker 3 (59:01):
Two