S28E2: PART 2 - The Power of Vulnerability: What Happens When We Finally Let Ourselves Be Seen - Cultivating H.E.R. Space: Uplifting Conversations for the Black Woman

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.

Speaker 2 (00:04):
You can't be vulnerable and be perfect at the same time.
They don't go together. They not a match. It's not happening.
Swipe left, swipe right, whichever one you got to do
to get rid of it like it's not happening. Hey, lady,
have you ever felt like the world just doesn't get you? Well,

(00:27):
we do.

Speaker 1 (00:29):
Welcome to Cultivating her Space, the podcast dedicated to uplifting
and empowering women like you.

Speaker 2 (00:36):
We're your hosts, Doctor Dominique Brussard and educator and psychologists.

Speaker 1 (00:40):
And Terry Lomax, a techie and transformational speaker.

Speaker 2 (00:45):
Join us every week for authentic conversations about everything from
fibroids to fake friends as we create space for black
women to just be.

Speaker 1 (00:57):
Before we dive in, make sure you hit that file
up and leave us a quick five star review. Lady,
We are black founded and black owned, and your support
will help us reach even more women like you.

Speaker 2 (01:08):
Now, let's get into this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.

Speaker 3 (01:15):
It's doctor dom here from the Cultivating her Space podcast.
Are you currently a resident of the state of California
and contemplating starting your therapy journey? Well, if so, please
reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com.
That's d R D O M I N I q

(01:37):
U E b R O U ss ar D dot
com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. I look
forward to hearing from you, all right.

Speaker 2 (01:51):
Our quote of the day, it's a long one, So
buckle up. Being a strong black woman doesn't mean that
you can't be vulnerable. It's okay to cry. It's okay
if you're having a bad day. It's okay if some
days you feel like giving up. It's okay if you

(02:13):
need to ask for help. And that quote comes to
us from Stephanie Lahart and lady, if you listen to
our episodes chronologically, or have listened to any of our
more recent episodes, that quote of the day is familiar
to you. Te you tell them.

Speaker 1 (02:33):
Why, all right, So it's familiar because a few episodes,
a few episodes ago, we started a conversation about vulnerability,
and the dialogue was so rich, Domini, we just kind
of went off not even I don't even want to
say on the tangent. We just went off different in
different pathways we didn't expect, and we didn't get a

(02:54):
chance to finish the entire episode. So today we're picking
up right where we left off. And if you missed
that episode, you can go back and listen. It's in
part it's part one, and it's in the previous season.
It is season twenty seven, episode twelve, with the same
title as today's episode. Just makes you look for the
part one at the end of the title, and you
know you've reached the right episode.

Speaker 2 (03:15):
And we can't stress enough. If you haven't listened to
part one yet, go and check that part out first,
then come back. We'll be here waiting for you. And
we say that because in part one we laid out
the foundation for the content that we're talking about. Right

(03:38):
in part one, we break down what vulnerability really means,
and y'all know I like to operationalize a definition, so
we're all on the same page when using a word,
So that's not reason enough to go back to Part one.
We also discuss why so many of us, particularly black women,

(04:00):
resists vulnerability and some of the hurdles that keep us
from showing up authentically. And so once you have that
foundation in that context, you'll be ready to come back
to what we're diving into today.

Speaker 1 (04:19):
That's right. So in part two today we're going to
dive deeper into the why and the how so why
vulnerability matters for our relationships are healing in our growth
and how to practice it safely. That is very important.
I think people often talk about vulnerability, be vulnerable, be vulnerable,
but it's like, we want to be strategic, and so
we talked about strategic strategic safety today and ways that

(04:40):
will honor your boundaries you're pacing in your troops. So
let's get into it. No, dom, I know we're going
to dive into the different ways or the whyse behind
why vulnerability matters. I was thinking about this in my
personal life of like why why is this important for me?
For us, but also for us as a collective. And

(05:02):
I know you as a therapist. You've probably heard about
reports about the loneliness epidemic, right, and I think twenty
twenty is really a time where people were feeling that, right,
especially people who may not have had community or people
that they were I want to say on lockdown with
Because in California we were like now couldn't leave the
house some days. And so I've noticed people online and

(05:22):
just people in conversations talking about feeling disconnected, feeling isolated,
or lacking community. I felt that even with myself, like
you can have community, you can be a part of something,
but also feel lonely. And so I think about that
social skills. I'm sure it's you know, working on college
campuses and how we have social media, we see social

(05:43):
skills regressing. And then the other thing that I literally
just saw was the I want to say, the creation
of like AI artists and influencers. And so when I'm
thinking about the conversation that we're having today, I think
at some point we should touch on those things because
it feels really important because of the state of the world.

(06:05):
You know, what are your thoughts on that?

Speaker 2 (06:09):
So so as I was sitting, as I'm processing all
of what you are sharing, I think about how hard
vulnerability really is and what I appreciate about this second
part of this conversation that we're having today is about

(06:30):
the safety that is necessary for vulnerability to exist. And
so I think about social media and how that there
is not really emotional safety there. And the flip side

(06:53):
of that is that for some people that does feel safe,
right because it may fit for some For some people
it may feel easier to be honest with a camera
because you don't have the people in person to show

(07:16):
you body language to give you immediate feedback. And as
vicious as social media can be, it's also a space
where you can find people who resonate with your story.
And so I think about how for some people social

(07:41):
media may feel like a safer space to truly be
their vulnerable, authentic selves, and then for others, it's they
meet that in person, direct human to human connection in
order for vulnerability to exist, which then helps decrease that

(08:05):
loneliness that they're feeling, because the reality is that and
I may have said it in that in our part one,
but I know I say it often that we all
want to be seen, heard and loved and valued.

Speaker 4 (08:25):
And when those things exist, it makes vulnerability easier.

Speaker 2 (08:33):
So that's what I happened to it. Yes, no, I
love it.

Speaker 1 (08:37):
I think that's perfect. That makes perfect since and I
think it's a great segue into some of the key
points that we want to touch on when it comes
to why vulnerability matters. And so the first I guess,
I don't even know. I want to call it a
tip really, But the first reason I guess would be
that it builds into intimacy, trust and belonging. And so
many of us may know this, but when we let

(08:57):
people see the real us, it can a deeper connection
because we're not bonding with a mask, right, they get
to bond with the real us. And we can think
about the podcast. Right, We've talked about very personal subjects
on the podcast, and we've had listeners. I mean, oh, man,
I wish I remember everyone's name, but I'm literally just
on the spot right now. I'm thinking about listeners that

(09:18):
we saw at the live event who talked about how
the podcast you know, helped them through a divorce, or
someone talked about how, you know, us touching on death
or certain just certain things in life have really inspired
them along their journey because they were experiencing something similar.
And so I think about with our platform, even although
we don't always get to see you, lady, because we're
on the mic and we're just kind of putting this

(09:39):
content out there for you, but we don't get to
see your face and be in communion with you, it
still does build that trust and intimacy right in that
connection and hopefully belonging for you.

Speaker 2 (09:50):
Yes, And I think also when it comes to in
person interactions, whether it is your relationship with a partner
or or a relationship with a friend or family member,

(10:16):
having that intimacy, like being able to be vulnerable, really
enhances that intimacy, right, really enhances that trust. Now, the
thing is is that in a lot.

Speaker 4 (10:31):
Of these situations, it's what came first, the chicken or
the egg.

Speaker 3 (10:35):
Right?

Speaker 2 (10:36):
Do I have this intimacy, trust, and sense of belonging
because one or both or all of us were vulnerable?
Or did I have to establish intimacy, trust, and sense
of belonging in order for me to feel comfortable being vulnerable?

(10:57):
And honestly, it'll depend on the situation. And so that
takes us to the second reason, and it's when we
are in a space where we are able to be vulnerable,
it strengthens not only our self acceptance, but that muscle

(11:19):
to be authentic, right, that you become when you get
more comfortable in vulnerability, you become more comfortable accepting wholeheartedly
who you are and putting your full, authentic self out

(11:44):
there on a regular basis. Now, I will also say
the caveat is that I understand that there are some
spaces where being vulnerable, is not strategic, is not to
your advantage. So for most of us, as black women,

(12:12):
the workplace is not a space where you can truly
be vulnerable. And so I want to acknowledge that, and
I want people to hear that I'm not asking you
to be vulnerable with that boss who is evaluating you

(12:35):
and will turn right around and use that against you
in some way, even if in your face they were saying, oh,
thank you so much for that vulnerability and honesty and transparency.
So I want to be clear that that's not what
we're talking about, right that, like we understand that there

(12:56):
are that the work space is not you usually the
space where you can be vulnerable. Some of us are
fortunate where we have where we do have workspaces where
we can be vulnerable, but the majority of us do not,

(13:17):
and so we do want to I did want to
take a moment to pause and acknowledge.

Speaker 1 (13:21):
That I appreciate you sharing that down because as you
were sharing this and made me think of two things. One,
how I show up in the therapy space now because
I'm just a bit I just think about where I
was in the beginning of my therapy journey. I wasn't
sharing as much. It took me, like forever, really dive
into some of the deep stuff with one of my
particular therapists. And so now just because of experience, maybe age,

(13:44):
wisdom and just where I am in life, I share more.
And I find that it does kind of force. It
can force us to acknowledge our truth instead of hiding it.
And also I think that when we practice being seen,
the more we can start to believe like I am
enough even though this is a part of my story
whatever that might be, or because this happened or whatever.
So that's one thing I thought about. And the other

(14:05):
thing I love that you said is that most of us,
yeah something, go ahead, go ahead.

Speaker 2 (14:09):
Go ahead, it's about therapy.

Speaker 1 (14:09):
But remember I remember mine, go ahead cause you look excited.

Speaker 2 (14:13):
So I, as a therapist, I do want to say,
I want to I did. I didn't want us to
skip over this piece of what you shared. Right of
how in the therapy space there were times when in
particular therapists, where you didn't feel comfortable enough being fully vulnerable. Yeah,

(14:37):
And what I tell my clients all the time is
that I can't help you if I don't know the
full picture, right like I can only help you with
what you give me. I also recognize within that that

(15:00):
it is my job as the therapist to make you
feel create a space where you feel.

Speaker 4 (15:12):
Seeing heard valued, right and.

Speaker 2 (15:18):
Not every therapist is good at that, and we might
not be able to do that for every client. So
for me, particularly working on a college campus, some of
what that creating that space looks like is letting clients,

(15:39):
letting students know about certain aspects of my personal life
that we were taught in school that you don't share
that with clients, right Like, I had one student, I've
had more than one student ask me me if I

(16:00):
was currently in a relationship, right, Okay, And not because
they were trying to get with me or anything like that,
right Like, It was more so them trying to understand
how I can relate to what they were dealing within
that moment. And so and so I think about to

(16:25):
that point of the vulnerability that is expected in a
therapy relationship is not only the work of you as
the client, is it is up to your therapist to
create that space. Because I when I first started my
therapy journey, there were a couple of therapists that I
saw that I was like, I mean, I'm gonna give

(16:48):
you the high level content. I'm going to intellectualize all
the way with you, and that's it. And I knew
that that was not going to be the therapy relationship
that was gonna get me the healing that I needed. Yes,
because their presence and not to say that they were
an awful therapist, but who they were and how they

(17:11):
engaged with me did not create a space where I
felt comfortable enough to be vulnerable.

Speaker 1 (17:22):
I love that you share that. Don You made me
think of something I was going to say way back
to what I was going to say that ties into this,
and so I love that you covered that because one
of the things I wanted to share is that my
most positive experiences to date have been with black women
when it comes to my therapy experiences. And recently I
was digging into some more stuff that I've been experiencing

(17:43):
and I met with a black woman coach and girl
was so interesting because we were meeting and I was
like pretty emotional that week, and I told you behind
the scenes what I was dealing with. I'm just gonna
say it's around addiction. We'll do another episode about it, Lady.
I'm not gonna I'm not gonna keep no secrets from you,
lady out. We'll share it later, but once we flesh
out the episode. I shared this with this black woman
coach and I like broke down on the virtual call,

(18:07):
and I did not like it. Just I felt like
it was so new. You know how I felt about
this initially when it was happening. She's like, oh my gosh,
and I was really struggled. It was that first couple
of weeks of you know, me dealing with it, and
I was like it was overwhelming. I was feeling a
certain way, and so I shared it and I broke
down and it did not feel safe. And after that,
I was like, she didn't say anything wrong, she didn't
do anything wrong. It was just a certain level of

(18:29):
I don't know, maybe being held or being the presence
is what you said, and I think it was that
in my gut something was just like I don't something
about this just didn't feel right. And so I had
the moment after I was just like, that was kind
of weird the way that kind of happened after And
so for some reason, I love to get your feedback
on this too. For some reason, in my body, because

(18:51):
of my trauma and things I'm used to. There was
this thing in me saying like, but like, let's call,
let's give it another try, let's do this. But I'm like,
I don't have to do that. I don't have to
try to make something work that doesn't fit. If my
gut was like pause, then we could just pause. And
I didn't reach out again. I didn't schedule anything because
I just had to pause. And so I wanted to
say that any thoughts on that before we talk to

(19:12):
the next one.

Speaker 2 (19:14):
Listening to your gut, listening to what your body is
telling you is so important because that also is a
cue for is this a space where I can be vulnerable? Right?
It does require us knowing our body, because for some
of us, the signal that our body is giving us

(19:36):
is not that this is not a safe space, but
that it's a signal. It's an anxious signal. Yeah of oh,
I haven't done this thing before, it's new, I'm nervous
about trying this new thing. Yes, And sometimes we listen

(19:56):
to that and think, oh, we confuse that with a
sign of this is a no go, don't do this right.
And so you have to learn your body, learn yourself
to know the difference between I'm feeling some slight discomfort
because I'm anxious about this new thing versus I'm feeling

(20:18):
some discomfort because this is my body letting me know
that this is not the time or space to do this.

Speaker 1 (20:25):
I love that you made that distinction down because maybe
in the beginning of my journey, I may have been like, wait,
I don't know what this is, but I knew what
this was. So I'm glad that you made that distinction
because it is so important because sometimes it's like, no,
you need to face that and we need to feel
the discomfort and let's let's move through this. We're gonna
move through it in a safe and you know, strategic way.
But like, come on. So that takes us to number three,

(20:45):
which is it break cycles of perfectionism. So it helps
us to break cycles of perfectionism. Vulnerability can interrupt the
need to look like you have it all together. I
remember years ago, like thirteen or so years ago, when
I was first starting my online brand, and I thought
everything had to be pilished and perfect and I had
to appear a certain way and do all that. And
then I realized I'm like, no, like, people don't resonate

(21:07):
with perfection, and so I began to share the mishaps,
the accidents, the mistakes, and just letting people know, not
taking myself too seriously, like I made a mistake. Okay,
I made a mistake. I mean even when you listen
to the podcast, lady, we making mistakes in the podcast.
We actually don't edit them out as much now. We
used to edit them out heavy in the beginning, but
now we don't unless it's like a major thing where

(21:28):
it's like, you know, we have a guest doing or something,
but we keep it in there so you know, like, yeah,
we're human, should be happening, and we keep on We
keep on rolling. That's what we do.

Speaker 2 (21:37):
Yes, Yes, And I think that that and I think
what that does is that allows you to lean into
like as you're leaning into that vulnerability, then it becomes easier.
It becomes a natural thing to break that cycle of perfectionism,
because you can't be vulnerable and be perfect at the

(21:58):
same time. They don't go to get other, They not
a match. It's not happening. Swipe left, swipe right, whichever
one you got to do to get rid of it,
Like it's not happening, Okay, it's not happening. And so
the final reason before we dive into the tips on

(22:19):
how to practice safe vulnerability is that vulnerability is important
because it counters that disconnection and isolation in the digital age,
which we sort of already touched on, right, that like,
when you are in a space of sharing your full

(22:39):
authentic self, there are people that are going to resonate
with your experience or who want to support you in
your experience. And when you have people who resonate with
your story and or they're wanting to support you, that

(23:00):
helps foster connection. And then it also takes it a
step further and models for them what vulnerability looks like, right,
and it makes it so that they then feel comfortable
being vulnerable. And so now that connection is deepening and

(23:25):
you're feeling less isolated because you're like, oh, okay, well,
even if their stuff isn't the same as their experience
isn't the same as my experience, we're all navigating things together.
We can show up and they got flaws. I got flaws.

(23:46):
This thing went really well for me, But did you
really know what was happening in the background, And the
connections and the community that can be built can be
life changing.

Speaker 1 (23:59):
Absolutely. You know, we have been a living witness of
what that looks like in action. And one of the
things I want to add is that with AI right
curated feeds and surface level interactions which I'm sure we
all see online vulnerability, it can really recenter us in human,
authentic experiences right and earlier do I mentioned something about

(24:20):
AI and I saw something a couple of weeks ago
that I was reminded of when we took a little
break before we started, and I am like, it's very
mind blowing to me to see I'm thinking about vulnerability
within the context of what I'm going to share with
you and what I witnessed. So there's an R and
B AI artist, and there are AI influencers that are
like gaining followers. It's R and B artists, it's an

(24:43):
AI artist has a charting song with a three million
dollar record deal, which is very mind blowing to me.
But the other thing is I saw this AI influencer
who was a queer black woman and there's a whole
Instagram page. I don't want to call it the name,
I'm just going to say the high level, but it's
an Instagram page and the images are beautiful. But what
really got me and confused me is that when you

(25:05):
go down the feed, there are videos and there are
pictures and they look real and it's the woman in
her I believe it's her wife or girlfriend, and she
was talking about her fertility journey and daycare drop offs
and like living this luxurious lifestyle. That's not the part though.
People are emotionally connecting in the comments, people are congratulating her.

(25:26):
Some people know what's AI. They're congratulating her and they're
like into this story, and I'm just it makes me
question where the world is going. And that's why I
think the human connection aspect is just so important in
the content of this conversation. And I think it also
highlights how easy it is to connect with manufactured stories

(25:47):
like AI has benefits, but it's important for us to
remember that human connection is crucial and important, and so
I think it just really depends on like where are
we putting our energy, how are we showing up? And
there's a deeper conversation that she be had around and
maybe we'll have that in the future too, But what
are your thoughts on that in the context of vulnerability,
Because I my mind is really blown.

Speaker 2 (26:07):
Yeah, as I'm listening to you to share this story,
I just started feeling concerned. Like to me, part of
that will make vulnerability harder. My worry is that it
will make vulnerability harder in the future because we won't

(26:32):
know who to trust what to trust. Right, If I
could see where there's a space where someone who has
difficulty with social connection, how they could connect to this
AI person and they're that that AI story and experiences

(26:57):
and all the things, and it works for them because
they have difficulty doing the human interactions.

Speaker 1 (27:07):
And this is the person behind the AI who's like
creating it. Is that what you're referring to the audience
a person connecting with it?

Speaker 3 (27:14):
Right?

Speaker 2 (27:15):
If they are someone?

Speaker 3 (27:16):
If?

Speaker 2 (27:17):
If? All right, So let me make this easier because
I don't want people to be confused. So Terry, let's
say you're the person who is looking at this AI
content and you are a person who has trouble with
social connection and you're feeling isolated, and you go and

(27:38):
you're interacting with this AI creation, and you are interacting
as if this is a real person, and you're learning
how to have empathy, what it looks like to show empathy,
what and you're learning social cues from interacting with this

(27:59):
person this AI creation. Okay, I could see where that
could be helpful in that scenario. However, I could also
see the devastation that may be experienced when you learn

(28:20):
that this is not real, yes, and the devastation that
could be experienced from and when you then take that
and translate that to is this what people humans do?
Or Well? If I can't trust that, can I trust

(28:44):
anyone or anything? And so it's it's hard because I
can see, I can see a world where AI creation
can make it easier for some people who are experiencing
isolation to learn how to connect. But then I also

(29:06):
worry in overall that then it makes it harder for
us to trust one another in real life because you're
so used to seeing things that are AI created that
now you don't know even your people in real life. Well,
is what you're giving me real?

Speaker 1 (29:28):
Like?

Speaker 2 (29:28):
Is this really you? Like? You and I just had
a conversation. How do I know that that's how you
really feel? And you weren't on your phone on on
one of I'm not going to name a name of
an AI platform, but you're on an AI platform learning
how to have a conversation with me instead of being
your authentic self like it. I worry that it will

(29:50):
it'll slow down our ability to be vulnerable.

Speaker 1 (29:56):
That's a really good point, Dom, And I think that
we all should definitely just keep our eyes on, you know,
what's happening, how things are developing, because I think that
a lot of people who are creating these tools and platforms,
they may not have our best interest at heart. And
so I think this is when going within and tapping
into I mean, nothing can be discernments, right, which we're
going to talk about just a bit. Nothing can be
discernment and your connection with you know, God, spirit, whatever

(30:20):
you want to call your higher power. Right, I'm not here.
This is your that's your business. I'm not here to
tell you that because we all have our own beliefs.
But like, nothing can be that connection and the vulnerability
of human connections in my opinion, and so I think
that when it comes to practicing vulnerability, it isn't always
about oversharing or exposing yourself in unsafe ways. We think
it's about being intentional and learning how to open up

(30:41):
with wisdom and again being strategic is domstated earlier, because
many of us are not in spaces where we can
just share openly, let's say, like in the workplace or
even in some family settings. Okay, sometimes you've got to
have some clear boundaries with family and can't be super
vulnerable in that setting because it is not safe for you. Right.
I've definitely experienced that. And so today we want to
break down or break this section down into two lanes.

(31:04):
So we're going to talk about vulnerability with yourself, because
everything starts with the self, Everything starts with the person
in the mirror. And then vulnerability with others because it
may look different, but in order for you to be
vulnerable with others, you gotta be vulnerable with yourself first, right,
So let's jump in.

Speaker 2 (31:22):
So see, you started off by mentioning like discernment, right,
and so in terms of discernment with yourself, you have
to take a moment and pause and go within and
be honest with you, Yeah, because you can't be honest

(31:42):
with others if you don't know how to be honest
with you first. Exactly, so you can ask yourself, what
am I feeling? What do I need? And when you're
honest with yourself, think about as if no one is
ever gonna know because oftentimes, as we're trying to learn

(32:05):
how to be vulnerable, we have to start there right
with practicing with ourselves. Okay, someone says someone said something
to me today, How am I really feeling? Not what
I said, not not what really what did I respond with?

(32:27):
But how am I really feeling? What is the emotion
that's coming up? And what do I mean?

Speaker 1 (32:34):
Now?

Speaker 2 (32:37):
I may have responded politely, but on the inside, I
might be on fire, ready to breathe fire like a
dragon because I am so pissed with what that person said.
If I am honest with myself, then I'm gonna say

(33:00):
I am pissed all the way the fuck off. And
what do I need right now? Do I need to
feel that rage, let myself experience it for a minute
and and and then do something with that, do something
healthy with that rage? Or do I need to acknowledge that, yes,

(33:24):
I am feeling this rage, but recognize that it is
not good for me in the long run to do
something with it. So how do I come down? How
do I what do I need to self southe And
that's discernment, because there are times where internally you may

(33:44):
truly be feeling rage. Yeah, externally. It's not gonna it's
not gonna be productive for you to put it out there.
But you have to acknowledge that you're feeling it, because
if you don't knowledge that you're feeling it, if you
push it down, you stuff it down. Either one you're

(34:07):
gonna end up acting out in a situation that didn't
deserve that m or two you're gonna start causing your
body physical harm because you are putting so much energy
into stuffing down that emotion.

Speaker 1 (34:25):
Or you're gonna end up calling somebody up and telling
them your business and then regretting it later because you
was just in a moment you're like, I need to
talk to somebody and tell them that are there before
listen dumb. Okay, So before we jump in, lady, we're
talking about, of course, how to practice safe vulnerability, right,
and when it comes to discernment, there were literally a
couple of situations this week that made me think about
this particular point here about having discernment. And so when

(34:48):
we think about discernment, like you said, it's like recognizing
those subtle differences the nuance, and like being able to
make wise judgments and understand what's true, what's valuable, what's
going to be productive within this this content? And so
there was a situation. There were a couple of situations
this week where something happened and I could have phoned
a friend, I could have talked about it with someone,
but it was like midday, I didn't want to. People

(35:09):
were busy, and I kind of sat with myself and
I was like, do I need to share this or
can I just work through on my own? Because like
you said, it wasn't going to be productive. And I
also you know how you tell somebody something and you're
reliving the situation, It's like do I want to be
in that space?

Speaker 3 (35:21):
Right?

Speaker 1 (35:22):
That's super important? The vulnerability was self and then when
it comes to kind of transitioning into the discernment with others,
sharing only with those who've earned your trust, right going
back to that, you're heated in the moment and you're
just like, I just need to talk to somebody. I've
been there before. And you call somebody up and you
tell them like do do do this happened? So boom
blah blah blah blah, and then after you get it out,

(35:43):
maybe they don't respond the way that you wanted them to.
Respond you're like, God, damn, I shouldn't share this shit
with them, or they go out and tell your business
whatever it might be, right, this person was not safe.
They didn't earn your trust, and in the moment you
were just had a lot of energy and you wanted
to get it out before maybe going over with your
self and self soothing. And so it's important to ask ourselves,
has this person shown up in a way where I

(36:07):
can share my story and they can hold my story
with care right, Let's look at patterns and past behaviors.
A lot of times it's really important because if you
know that someone has a theme of showing up in
a certain way and maybe they're not open the feedback
when you share it with them, like, hey, I like
to be supported in this way, that may not be
the person that you go to for that thing, right,
And it's important for us to know that. So we're
not I want to say, contributing to instances of I

(36:31):
don't know if I want to call it self harm,
but just like feeling like we're I don't know, don
what is the word I'm looking for? Yeah, situations where
we're not being supported or careful or having the presence
that we desire. It's like, once we recognize the pattern,
we may need to find a new outlet or find
a new person that makes sense.

Speaker 2 (36:49):
Yes, yes, that does. Yeah, and so I think yes
with that discernment, once you once you've kind of figured
out how you're able to discern like what you're feeling,
and you know how to share it with yourself, and
you're getting better at identifying who are the people you

(37:11):
can share share it with, the next thing is or
part of what can help you in that discernment is
to start small. So with yourself, name those feelings right,
say to yourself right now, just do do check ins,

(37:34):
periodic check ins throughout the day. Huh, I feel anxious
right now. Maybe this is not a situation where I
would have openly acknowledged to myself that I'm feeling anxious,
but I need that. I need to say that in
this moment to myself.

Speaker 3 (37:52):
Hmm.

Speaker 2 (37:54):
I'll check in later and figure out why I might
have been feeling anxious, but I need to name in
this moment I'm feeling anxious or I'm feeling lonely. I
don't know what I'm doing. I think for a lot
of us that are in positions where people look to

(38:19):
us to be the expert or to have the answers.
It may be hard to say, I don't know, But
if you start with yourself and you do this on
a regular basis of acknowledging how you're feeling, you start

(38:44):
to build that muscle memory of honesty, of what, of
naming the emotion as it comes up, and then it'll
get easier to bring that into your external world.

Speaker 1 (39:02):
That's right. And then when it comes to being or
starting small with others, going back to what dom just shared,
you can begin with micro acts of openness like I
don't know. Sometimes that can be that is a very
vulnerable statement, especially depending on the setting.

Speaker 2 (39:17):
Right.

Speaker 1 (39:17):
My daughter asks me questions all the time. I'm like, girl,
she asked me the other day, don how was San
Francisco create it?

Speaker 3 (39:23):
Like?

Speaker 1 (39:23):
How did San Francisco get here? I'm like, that's a
brilliant question for a four year old question. I don't know,
but we can research it, right, Like that's a big
that can be a big act of vulnerability. Or I'm sorry,
I apologize right another one, or I need help. Let's
talk about that one for black women, I need help?

Speaker 2 (39:42):
Wow, Yeah, that's.

Speaker 1 (39:46):
Episode.

Speaker 2 (39:46):
I'm still working on that one sometimes. Yeah, it's the thing,
and it is about vulnerability.

Speaker 1 (39:54):
Yes, vulnerability, And like you said, we may need to
write this down as another episode to dive into because
when you said that, it's like, Okay, yeah, I do
need help, but is someone going to be there to
be able to help me? Like, because you know how
it is. My grandmother used to always be like, I
gotta do it myself if I want to get it
done right. Right, It's like one of those things like
do I have to Is someone actually going to be
there to support right? And so that's another episode, lady.

(40:17):
But these acts that we just share when it comes
to starting small with others, they can really they can
feel like small risks, but they can also build confidence
and trust over time when you test them out and
kind of see how how do people respond when you
say that? Right? One thing I want to share I
had an uncle years ago I didn't know something and
his rude ass is going to say some my family

(40:37):
be playing too much, said don't you have a master's degree?
Like you should know that? And I'm thinking, like, sir,
I don't know every damn thing just because I have
a master's degree, Like what, so that's a person who's
not in my life today, but like, there are instances
of things like that where you can just test people
out and see how they respond to those small instances,
and they'll let you know. I'm not going to call
that uncle up and go tell him about all my
business and what's going on, because I know his patterns

(41:00):
and that is one pattern of many other toxic and
unhealthy ones. Just fyi because some people do like the joke, right,
But yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 (41:08):
And so and so. Then that takes us to the
next one. Right, That was perfect segue into this next
one about boundaries and within this, within practicing vulnerability safely,
boundaries are super important, and so we often hear and

(41:29):
talk about boundaries with other people, but it's also important
to have boundaries with ourselves, right, And what that looks
like is identifying for yourself, what are the things that
stay sacred for you, what feels safe to put out there?

(41:52):
Right because one of a quote that I remember, I
don't remember the exact quote right now is not coming
to me, but from their eyes were watching God by
Zora Neil Hurston, that there are some things that a
woman has to keep for herself right, And to me,
that's like a perfect line about boundaries for yourself of

(42:18):
knowing that there are some things that don't have to
be shared with the rest of the world, don't have
to be shared with anybody. It truly stays yours. That
doesn't mean that it didn't happen, that doesn't mean that
it's not valid. But it's yours to keep, yours to

(42:39):
hold sacred, and that's that's important.

Speaker 1 (42:44):
It is dom Ads. You said that I was thinking
about examples. Can you name an example, because the first
thing that came to mind for me, it depends on
the other thing is this is very personal. It depends
on where you are in your journey, what's important to you.
Because I know for some people who've had this conversation before,
but like body count as what came to mind for
me because it's a conversation that a lot of people have,
and I think that for me personally, I'm just like y'all,

(43:05):
people judge when they hear whatever number you share, people
judge around it. And so for me, that's like one
of those things where it's like, anybody, what what is
the body count? We don't we won't do the body
count that's not I don't subscribe to that, you know,
with that idea. But then for some people, if they're
with a partner, that's something that they discussed that's valuable
to them, they may share and that's you. It's yours
to choose. And I think that's the most important thing here,

(43:26):
is like it's about what makes you feel safe and
what's setting it's in, right, So, and I.

Speaker 2 (43:31):
Think that's the thing about what's sacred, what's sacred to
what's sacred to you might not be sacred to me,
And so you get to decide for yourself.

Speaker 1 (43:41):
Yeah, what is.

Speaker 2 (43:43):
That thing that that you're keeping for you?

Speaker 4 (43:46):
Right?

Speaker 2 (43:46):
And so if body count is your sacred thing, then
that's going to be your sacred thing. For some people
it's their spiritual practices. Those are a sacred thing that
they don't share with anybody else. Yeah, for other people,
it could be other rituals that they might have. For
some folks, it's about experiences that they have. So and

(44:10):
even if it's an experience that they may have had
someone with someone else or other like a group, they're
not talking about it, not even with those people they
experienced it with. Because that's the thing that they are
choosing to keep sacred for.

Speaker 1 (44:28):
Them, that's good. Thank you for those. And then when
it comes to boundaries with others, one thing to keep
in mind is that vulnerability doesn't equal spilling everything, right,
share what serves connection, not what leaves you feeling exposed
or unsafe. And again that's all very subjective, right. It
depends on what makes you feel that way.

Speaker 2 (44:49):
Yes, And so then that takes us to the connection building, right,
Because the other piece is when you you set boundaries
with other people, it is up to you to enforce
those boundaries. And when you have people in your life
who respect your boundaries, that helps that in building that vulnerability,

(45:18):
that helps with the connection. Now, when it comes to
connecting with yourself, it's a good question to gauge yourself
with yourself is why am I sharing this? Am I
sharing this just to be sharing because I want to
hear myself talk? Am I sharing this because I need validation?

(45:45):
Is it that I need attention? Do I need? Am
I doing this to foster a deeper connection? Am I
trying to truly build intimacy? So taking a moment in
asking yourself what is the intention behind the connection building?

(46:09):
And I know that may sound like, oh, we're talking
about connection building with others, but it starts within. So
it's these are the questions that you are asking yourself
first of why do I need to open up about this?
Because if you aren't clear with yourself first, you're not

(46:34):
going to have that connection with other people. Because what's
going to happen if you are sharing being vulnerable because
you're looking for attention. That attention will come momentarily, but

(46:54):
it is not going to foster deeper intimacy and connection.
If you're looking for validation, that will be temporary. Also,
it could eventually lead to connection. Again, we all want
to be seeing, heard and valued, but that might not

(47:15):
be what you need in that moment because the thing
that you're being vulnerable about might be something that does
not need validating because it could lead to further unhealthy behaviors.
And so again it's going within to ask yourself, what

(47:38):
is my why in being vulnerable in this moment with
this particular situation.

Speaker 1 (47:46):
And I think the powerful thing about that diamond is
when you're connecting. When it comes to connection building with others,
once you have that personal check in, now you're able
to communicate potential needs that you might have with that person.
So let's say it's a partner thinking about a partner instance,
or maybe your partner, I don't know. Maybe you thought
you saw them looking at somebody or something y'all were

(48:06):
out and you kind of felt a little tender, you
felt a certain way. That might be something that you
bring up right as a concern. Maybe you want some attention,
Maybe you want validation, like well, damn, I saw you
looking at that big booty, but like you know what's good,
Like you know what I mean. Whatever, it might be
like you sharing that with them now that you've done
your check and you can let them know, like I
just want some validation because I saw this and it
made me feel a certain way, And now you can

(48:28):
get that from your partner, and that could be important
to you, right, Or it could be in a situation
like you said down where maybe it's a situation where
you can give yourself some validation versus getting it from others.
So I think here it's important to be mindful of
the moment, right it's this person able to hear and
hold this right now. So maybe at the mall, when
you're in front of people, is in the place to
talk about it, that's where it happened. Maybe you wait

(48:49):
until you get to the car, you wait until you
get home. So just gauging readiness on both sides. Have
you had your internal check in? Have you self soothed
enough to understand what do I need in this moment?
What's coming up for me? And then am I able
to communicate this need to someone else versus you being
communicating something and then them asking well, what do you
want me to do? And you're like, I don't know

(49:09):
because I haven't checked in with myself. And sometimes we
don't know the answer. But it's just important to kind
of go through these things with ourselves.

Speaker 2 (49:16):
And I think even not knowing the answer allows you
to say, I don't know what I need right now,
I do, I will, I can, I will communicate that.
I appreciate you checking in. And so then our our
final practice that we want to think about with vulnerability
is hacting so you can't you don't have to go

(49:41):
all in right away. Right We're not trying to do
zero to one hundred real quick, that's not that's not
a rat. We might do zero to five and then
might take us a while before we get to one
hundred and that's okay. Give yourself that permission to move slowly,

(50:08):
because what that does is that over time, you're building
that muscle. You don't have to do all of it
at once. If you haven't even been vulnerable with yourself before,
that moves slowly Today I'm feeling And you give yourself

(50:32):
one word right, and you check in that one time,
and maybe you do that for the next week, and
then maybe the next week you check in a couple
of more times throughout the day. It's similar to training,
like physical training, right, like physical building up your physical fitness.

(50:54):
If you have never lifted weights before, you're not about
to go and dead lift one hundred pounds. You'll first
go round. That's not gonna happen that that's not realistic.
If this is your first time doing dead lifts with weights,

(51:15):
maybe five pounds, and you work your way up to
one hundred, doing one hundred would be a quick way
for you to injure yourself. If this is your very
first time, and it's the same thing with vulnerability, going
all in right away could prove disastrous. It's okay to

(51:36):
move slowly, be patient with yourself. Patience is also a
part of that vulnerability to that.

Speaker 1 (51:43):
And when it comes to pacing with others, there are
a couple of things here. One is when you're sharing
something with someone homestays for the person listening as well,
like don't try to rush their process. Sometimes we share
things with people and it might be heavy. They may
be someone that takes a bit more time to process,
so they maned behind to process what you just shared
right and may not have the answers or be able
to support. And then the other side of that is

(52:06):
don't rush people when they open up right, let them
sit in their rawness without trying to rescue or fix.
I think we talked about that in the previous episode too,
where it's like sometimes just letting them have space to cry,
get it out, not trying to rush the crying process,
Give them the tissues and just sit there with them
in silence, and then you can probably ask, you know,
what can I do to support what you need and

(52:27):
let that be let that kind of lead the conversation
or the experience there.

Speaker 4 (52:32):
Or you don't give them the tissue weight at all
or until later on, because what I've noticed is sometimes
when we rush to give a person the tissue, it
signals to them to stop crying.

Speaker 2 (52:52):
And so if you let them, if you hold off,
so I'll just give an event in my therapy office.
The tissue box is right there next to them, so
they get to decide when they want to use the tissue.
And so then that way, because what I observed is
that if someone starts crying and I immediately go in

(53:16):
with the tissue, they stop crying, and then that vulnerable
moment kind of passes if the tissue is just there.
In situations that you that you know may bring up
some vulnerability, right, if if the tissue is just there,
let the cry happen. I tell students all the time,

(53:39):
we can sit here and you can cry for the
whole hour, and that's okay because that's what you needed,
and we will. This therapy space is this container. And
in reality, outside of the therapy space, like I get
it that, like we might not be in a space

(54:00):
where we're having this raw conversation, and we might not
be in the space to.

Speaker 4 (54:07):
It.

Speaker 2 (54:07):
Might the environment might not be one in which we
can sit there for an hour crying our eyes out,
letting all the feelings come. But part of what helps
build that vulnerability and build that trust is if I

(54:30):
see that you are having this moment, I'm not going
to rush you to end it. Even if I might
be feeling uncomfortable with the emotions that you're feeling that
you're displaying as the as you're supporter, I'm going to
manage my own discomfort so that because right now the

(54:53):
focus is on you and asking you what you need
when the moment is right, not rushing you out of it.

Speaker 1 (55:04):
That's good stuff, all right, lady. We're going to do
a quick recap on how to practice safe vulnerability. We
have discernment is number one, starting small boundaries, connection building,
and pacing. So we're going to jump into the after
show where we're going to talk a bit more about
this conversation, dive a bit deeper, share some behind the

(55:26):
scenes content. So head on over to Herspace podcast dot com,
click anywhere you see Patreon and you can join us
for the after show and also see the video of
the episode. We want to see you, so come on
over and join us. We'll see you there, lady. If
you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure of your next steps,
this is for you. Hey, lady, is Tea here And

(55:48):
I just want to invite you to my free goal
map like a pro coaching workshop, where I'll share the
five proven steps to get unstuck and achieve your goals.
Whether you're feeling overwhelmed by all your ideas, juggling scattered ideas,
or maybe you just need confidence to start, this workshop
will give you the clarity, tools and the motivation to

(56:08):
take back control. Reserve your spot for free by visiting
her spacepodcast dot com and clicking on the goal map
like a pro webinar link. Lady, don't miss this chance
to build a roadmap that fits your life and set
you up for success. I hope to see you there.

Speaker 2 (56:25):
Thanks for tuning into cultivating her Space. Remember that while
this podcast is all about healing, empowerment, and resilience, it's
not a substitute for therapy. If you are someone you
know needs support, check out resources like Therapy for Black
Girls or Psychology Today. If you love today's episode, do

(56:47):
us a favor and share it with a friend who
needs some inspiration, or leave us a quick five star review.
Your support means the world to us and helps keep
this space th thriving.

Speaker 1 (56:59):
And before we again repeat after me, I release the
old with gratitude, and prepare for the new with intention.
Keep thriving, Lady, and tune in next Friday for more
inspiration from cultivating her Space. In the meantime, be sure
to connect with us on Instagram at her Space podcast

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S28E2: PART 2 - The Power of Vulnerability: What Happens When We Finally Let Ourselves Be Seen

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}S28E2: PART 2 - The Power of Vulnerability: What Happens When We Finally Let Ourselves Be Seen