October 17, 2025 • 48 mins
Lady, if you’ll remember in season 27, episode 8, Dr. Dom and Terri broke down the truth about feedback. It is, indeed, a gift but it requires nuance, timing, respect, and care. It is a critical piece in building intimacy in relationships and establishing a baseline of respect. So, how do you build a toolkit that is resilient enough to make your own while being flexible enough to appropriately adapt to the situation at hand?
Tune in for five actionable strategies about how to give feedback that is constructive. Terri and Dr. Dom not only offer food for thought but also varied scenarios where having these conversations can get tricky. Tune into the Aftershow for more examples of how providing constructive feedback can be important in the development of long-term relationships. Whether it be with your littles or with your elders, feedback is a gift. How you choose to wrap it, the presentation of the feedback, matters a great deal in how it is received.
Lady, we want to start a dialogue. Our healing is essential to being the light we need during these times. Let’s grow together – join us in Patreon where you can connect directly with Dr. Dom, Terri, and the rest of our beautiful community. We share resources and our own personal journeys so that we can learn from one another.
In the event that you need additional support, check-in with Dr. Dom for a free 15-minute consultation. Consider it a great first step towards your holistic wellness. And, if you’ve got your mental and emotional house in order but want to take your professional career to the next level and want the skills, including giving and receiving feedback, book a 1-on-1 session with Terri. Her expert coaching will ready you for any situation that arises in your professional life.
Quote of the Day:
"Feedback is a gift — and it’s okay to unwrap it slowly."
– Unknown
Goal Map Like a Pro Workbook
Cultivating H.E.R. Space Sanctuary
Resources:
Dr. Dom’s Therapy Practice
Branding with Terri
Melanin and Mental Health
Therapy for Black Girls
Psychology Today
Therapy for QPOC
Where to find us:
Twitter: @HERspacepodcast
Instagram: @herspacepodcast
Facebook: @herspacepodcast
Website: cultivatingherspace.com
Become a supporter of this podcast:
Tune in for five actionable strategies about how to give feedback that is constructive. Terri and Dr. Dom not only offer food for thought but also varied scenarios where having these conversations can get tricky. Tune into the Aftershow for more examples of how providing constructive feedback can be important in the development of long-term relationships. Whether it be with your littles or with your elders, feedback is a gift. How you choose to wrap it, the presentation of the feedback, matters a great deal in how it is received.
Lady, we want to start a dialogue. Our healing is essential to being the light we need during these times. Let’s grow together – join us in Patreon where you can connect directly with Dr. Dom, Terri, and the rest of our beautiful community. We share resources and our own personal journeys so that we can learn from one another.
In the event that you need additional support, check-in with Dr. Dom for a free 15-minute consultation. Consider it a great first step towards your holistic wellness. And, if you’ve got your mental and emotional house in order but want to take your professional career to the next level and want the skills, including giving and receiving feedback, book a 1-on-1 session with Terri. Her expert coaching will ready you for any situation that arises in your professional life.
Quote of the Day:
"Feedback is a gift — and it’s okay to unwrap it slowly."
– Unknown
Goal Map Like a Pro Workbook
Cultivating H.E.R. Space Sanctuary
Resources:
Dr. Dom’s Therapy Practice
Branding with Terri
Melanin and Mental Health
Therapy for Black Girls
Psychology Today
Therapy for QPOC
Where to find us:
Twitter: @HERspacepodcast
Instagram: @herspacepodcast
Facebook: @herspacepodcast
Website: cultivatingherspace.com
Become a supporter of this podcast:
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
Sometimes your why simply is to let them know that
they hurt you. It's simply to make them aware of
their impact on your feelings and the potential damage that
their words or actions have on your relationship with them.
Speaker 3 (00:22):
And that's important to be aware of.
Speaker 2 (00:28):
Tay Lady, have you ever felt like the world just
doesn't get you? Well, we do.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
Welcome to Cultivating her Space, the podcast dedicated to uplifting
and empowering women like you.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
We're your hosts, doctor Dominique Brussard, and educator and psychologists.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
And Terry Lomax, a techy and transformational speaker.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Join us every week for authentic conversations about everything from
fibroids to fake friends as we create space for black
women to just be.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
Before we dive in, make sure you hit that follow
button and leave us a quick five star review. Lady,
we are black founded and black owned, and your support
will help us reach even more women like you.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
Now, let's get into this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.
Speaker 1 (01:22):
If you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure of your next steps,
this is for you. Hey, lady, is tea here and
I just want to invite you to my free goal
map like a pro coaching workshop, where I'll share the
five proven steps to get unstuck and achieve your goals.
Whether you're feeling overwhelmed by all your ideas, juggling scattered ideas,
(01:43):
or maybe you just need confidence to start, this workshop
will give you the clarity, tools and the motivation to
take back control. Reserve your spot for free by visiting
her spacepodcast dot com and clicking on the goal map
like a pro webinar link. Don't miss this chance to
gouild a road map that fits your life and set
you up for success. I hope to see you there.
Speaker 3 (02:07):
Our quote of the day.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
Feedback is a gift and it's okay to unwrap it slowly. Now, lady,
if you listen to our part one of the feedback loop,
you'll recognize.
Speaker 3 (02:22):
That quote of the day.
Speaker 2 (02:23):
But for those of you who didn't, I will say
it one more time. Feedback is a gift and it's
okay to unwrap it slowly.
Speaker 3 (02:36):
All right, so t we are ready.
Speaker 2 (02:39):
In season twenty seven, episode eight, we talked about this
quote from the aspect of when you're the person receiving
the feedback But when you hear this quote and think
about what we're focusing on today and how to give feedback, what.
Speaker 3 (03:02):
Comes up for you?
Speaker 1 (03:04):
So what really comes up for me? And I say
this not to be pessimistic, but I'm thinking about just
from personal experience, I would say don that you and
I were pretty committed to personal growth and development. Not
to say that that makes feedback easier for us to receive,
but I know that if we are doing something wrong,
(03:25):
we want to know and we are open to feedback,
even if it hurts our feelings and we're like, oh,
my little feelings are hurt. But I've found that in
my life there have been many times when the people
who are receiving feedback it's not a gift to them.
They don't want to hear it. They're not open to
the growth. And so it can be a little gnarly
when you are offering feedback to someone and they don't
(03:46):
see it as a gift although it could help me,
even when you're very intentional and you try to do
your best to communicate it. So that is honestly what
came up. That's what came to mind for me. Yeah,
what about you? What comes up?
Speaker 3 (03:57):
That's true.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
I think the thing that I appreciate that perspective because
that is real, like it is hard to give the feedback,
which is why for me, this quote makes me think
about the importance of going slow, slowing down when you
are the person who has to give it. That it
(04:21):
makes me think about sometimes, particularly for people who are anxious.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
That.
Speaker 2 (04:29):
When you have to give feedback, if it's something that
you might be uncomfortable with, or the situation is uncomfortable
and you want to just hurry up and get it
out right, whether it's because you just need to get
it off your chest or you need it resolved, like
whatever it is, you're anxious about getting it out and
(04:51):
you're in a rush, and usually that's when things go wrong.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
Yes, because you Yes, that's such a good point.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
And so this quote to me is a reminder that
if you are the person giving the feedback, that it's
more than okay too to slow it down and to
be intentional about how you're giving that feedback. And so
(05:22):
we'll go into more details about that later, but I
think that that's what really came up for me.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
Yes, Oh, I love that so much. Now you having
about to jump on it, and I'm like, oh, let's
let's talk about examples, but we'll set some context for
today's episode. Lady, as Domm alluded to earlier, So a
couple months ago, and I believe it was season twenty seven,
episode eight, we talked about how to receive feedback, especially
as parents and caregivers. And so today we're going to
flip the mirror to the other side and talk about
(05:50):
how to give feedback. So it could be feedback to
our children, feedback to younger generations, or even upward to
elders or parents. And the idea here is to give
that feedback without guilt, fear, or resentment. And so we
want to talk about some of our best practices and
our personal experiences and even some and she could say
(06:10):
blenders and situations where it did not go as planned.
So maybe we can just kind of dive into why
this topic is important. Why do you think that this
is an important topic. I think you kind of said
it earlier, but I'm sure you want to.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
Yeah, to me, it's important because relationships are important, yes,
and relationships don't get to improve if there isn't some
level of feedback. And feedback doesn't people hear that word
(06:46):
and they often think of criticism, right, And I know that,
like part of this topic, part of how we're talking
about it today, is about offering that critical feedback. But
feedback can also be like the positive like if I say, Tea,
(07:09):
I like that color lipstick you're wearing today, where'd you
get that shade? Right?
Speaker 3 (07:13):
Like that, that's a cute shade. That's back.
Speaker 2 (07:19):
But we but we use the word compliment, right, But
compliment and when we're talking about the positive things.
Speaker 3 (07:27):
Yeah, a compliment is still feedback.
Speaker 2 (07:33):
And so I think that's also part of it too.
Why this conversation is important is that it's a lot
easier most times for people to give that positive feedback,
to give that compliment. But a lot of people truly
(07:54):
struggle with giving feedback in a helpful way. I know
that there are people who have no problem.
Speaker 3 (08:01):
Giving feedback, Yeah, in that.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
What can feel or be perceived as aggressive or confrontational
or confrontational, right, and so, and that's not helpful or
healthy for relationship building. Yeah, Like if every time you
give me feedback you're couching it in a disk or
(08:26):
an insult, that does not endear me to you, that
does not make me feel safe in our relationship.
Speaker 3 (08:35):
That does not make me want.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
To get closer to you. If anything, it makes me
pull away.
Speaker 3 (08:43):
It makes me shrink.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
Because if everything you offer is a diss or an insult,
who wants to sign up for that all the time.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
Yeah, that's a really good point. I love those points
that you brought up. I want to add a little
to that down because as you were sharing that, it
made me think about a friendship that I had years ago.
And one of the things we used to brag about
was in that friendship is we never have an argument, Like,
we never had any disagreements. But what I realized over
the years is that when you have it not to
say that every friendship needs a disagreement or an argument
(09:18):
per se, but it's like, if you have a healthy
friendship or relationship, there should and will be points where
you may not agree upon something, and having a conversation
about those things is important. And so what I realized
in situations where that was happening, where we never have
any issues, well, that means something might be being brushed
under the rug and there may not be as much
(09:39):
authenticity or transparency. And you know what the funny thing
is too, Having a degree in conflict resolution. One of
the things that I learned in my program is that
many people, many of the people that I interacted with,
were uncomfortable giving feedback, some people uncomfortable getting compliments even,
and some people uncomfortable giving constructive feedback. But it's so important,
(09:59):
and we're going to dive into I don't know, maybe
we should just dive in, dive into some of these
points now because one of the first ones here is
knowing the heart behind the feedback. And I think that
is just so important before you even go have a
conversation with someone, to understand like what is the why here?
You know, like are you am I trying to connect
(10:20):
with the person? Am I trying to protect? Am I
trying to control?
Speaker 4 (10:24):
Right?
Speaker 1 (10:24):
Because sometimes we have we might have our own little
toxic traits trying to you know, show up in life.
And so understanding with the why is did you have
something downe?
Speaker 3 (10:34):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (10:34):
Because I think you know, we're that's so important. That
why is so important, particularly when we're talking about parents
and caregivers who are giving that feedback to younger generations
or their children. Is so important to know that why
because oftentimes you may be in a space of giving
(10:59):
feedback to protect them from something that you're afraid of,
not necessarily something that's about them, that's truly about them.
And so for me when I hear that knowing your why,
particularly around interacting with the younger generations, it is so
(11:21):
important to make sure that what your intentions are and
that it's not about you trying to control them or
to be or because of your own stuff.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
That listen, we need to we're the church tambarine and
the off frame plate because you need to pass that around.
But you know, when you said that down, it makes
me think about my daughter who's four I'll be five soon.
And we went to we went to a museum. Yeah,
it was like a science museum recently, and they had
a children's activity going on and there were kids that
(11:59):
they invited to come up on stage and like take
little I think I may have sent you a video
of this. Take like different musical instruments and sashes and
they could go up and dance, and she loves to dance,
and so she'll get up and dance. She's at that
age where she doesn't have that fear what are people thinking?
And I want to keep that for as long as
possible and for me personally, I would not have just
(12:19):
gone up on that stage to go dance in front
of these people. So that's an example of I could have,
you know, being a parent, wanting to protect, wanting to
you know, really project you know, my personal fear and
security onto I could have said, don't go up there.
You don't want the people looking at you crazy. But
then that's why it's important to sit with yourself and understand, wait, wait,
wait before I get this feedback, what is the why
(12:39):
behind it? Because I don't want to go put that
on her. So she went up there and she danced.
I recorded her, celebrated her and was and told her
how proud I was because I want her to feel that,
have that experience, have that freedom, and know that she
can do that in a safe space, you know what
I mean. So that made me think about one of
those examples. I think another thing, don when it comes
to knowing your why, I love to write write out
(13:00):
feedback beforehand to really get grounded because, like you said earlier,
I found that when you when I don't prepare and
when I have, when I'm emotionally charged, it tends to
come out in a way while I'm regretting something that
I said, and I'm like, damn it, I should have waited,
I should have cooled down. So I like to be
able to write out my thoughts, even if you have
to write some people, I'm thinking of situations where it's
(13:21):
a bit more tense, right. I think generally giving someone
a compliment or saying to someone, you know, I loved
how you did that today. I do think that that's
generally a bit easier of a conversation to have for
most people. But I'm thinking about when you have constructive feedback.
I personally like to say constructive versus criticism, because criticism
does have a negative connotation. But if you have something constructive,
(13:42):
it is really helpful to write it out and get
clear on the why, because at the end of the day,
if you are giving feedback to someone and the goal
is to inform and to let's say, educate about let's
say someone hurt your feelings, the goal ultimate usually when
it comes to the why is to maintain a working relationship,
(14:04):
whether it's work, family member. You want to be able
to have a rapport with this person moving forward. So
if you go cuss them out and you all types
of b's and h's and all that. Then it's like, well,
where does that leave us after the conversation. So that's
why I think it's really important to get clear on
the why.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
Yeah, I would agree, I think that. And I also
want to acknowledge before we move to the next thing
that sometimes your why, particularly if it's you speaking to
an older generation, sometimes your why simply is to let
them know that they hurt you, right, Like it's simply
(14:42):
to make them aware of their impact on your feelings
and the potential damage that their words or actions have
on your relationship with them. And that's important to to
be aware of that. Perhaps you're not looking for anything
(15:05):
beyond that.
Speaker 1 (15:07):
Yeah, And.
Speaker 2 (15:10):
Sometimes I think when people move from that space, it's
all right, I'm just telling you that you hurt my feelings,
and then we keep it moving, right, don't. I don't
want nothing else, I don't need nothing else. I don't
want to even hear what you have to say. I
don't care about an apology. I just need you to
know that you pissed me off, or you hurt my feelings. Okay,
(15:33):
even in that tone as I was giving that example,
like you hear how it is right? Right?
Speaker 3 (15:39):
So and so I think it. Your feelings are.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
Valid, but taking that approach is not going to be helpful.
Speaker 3 (15:52):
And so even if.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
You know that your why is only to communicate your
you still need to think about our next step right.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
Before we dive into that dom. We have to talk
about intent versus impact, because that has come up a
lot when it comes to feedback loops, right, And so, lady,
what we mean by this before we jump in is
a lot of times we're one. We are all individual,
unique humans having our own human experience, right, and so
(16:27):
we all have different different perspectives, different traumas, different experiences
that we're bringing to the table, right. And so there
may be a time where I, let's say I'm trying
to think of an example. Let's say I want to
tell my Okay, let's say I want to tell my
dad that I did not like the way he said
something to me, and so my intentions are to tell
(16:48):
him this and communicate in a certain way. But the
way he receives it, the impact that it had on him,
they may be totally different, right, They may not correlate.
I may have had the intention to say something a
certain way or to show up in a certain way,
but it doesn't necessarily match the impact. And so I
think it's important to also realize that sometimes we will
do our best to communicate in a certain way, but
(17:11):
it's important we'll talk, we'll kind of bring this full circles,
we have the full conversation, but sometimes our intent doesn't
match the impact, and so it's important to also hold
space for that other person's experience and how they may
have received it, because they may have a different communication style,
they may have a different expectation, and another thing, they
may have a different way in which they would have
approached the conversation. How many times have you given someone
(17:32):
feedback and they're like, well, if I were you, I
would have just came to me and said that whatever,
it might be right. And so we're all different though
we may communicate differently. So that's one thing I just
wanted to share. Is there anything you would add to
that down when it comes to the intent versus impact.
Speaker 3 (17:48):
No, because I think it leaves that leads us.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
That's a good tie in, good point from what I
was saying about the but the example of you were
only wanting to your intent is to just make them
know what you're feeling and how it actually comes out,
which is and which is why this next stage of
(18:13):
timing and setting the table is important, right, because the
timing and how you.
Speaker 3 (18:19):
Set the table for the conversation.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
Can lessen the negative impact and help you move closer
to having the intent be what you.
Speaker 3 (18:32):
Really like, really come out, really be clear.
Speaker 2 (18:35):
Right.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
Yes, So.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
Sticking with the example of the elder hurts your feelings, right,
and you're wanting them to know that what they said
was hurtful and inappropriate. Saying that if you are feeling
if you're still feeling really charged, Yeah, saying it in
(19:03):
the moment.
Speaker 3 (19:06):
Might not be the right time.
Speaker 2 (19:10):
Ideally, you want to be able to say it when
your calm, they're calm, both people are feeling open to
having the dialogue. Right, So, telling them in the moment
(19:31):
what we would call like that drive by feedback, what
you said right there really hurt my feelings. I'm out, Like,
I just need you to know that what you said
hurt my feelings, and you hang up the phone or
you walk away. Okay, your goal in telling them that
they hurt your feelings is accomplished. But what's going to
(19:55):
be the fallout from that? And so if the goal
is to simply make your feelings known. Cool, you've made
your feelings known. But if the goal is twofold or
maybe threefold, to communicate your feelings.
Speaker 3 (20:18):
And to deepen the connection.
Speaker 2 (20:23):
And make sure that this doesn't happen again, saying that
your feelings are hurt and walking away in.
Speaker 3 (20:31):
That moment does not That's not gonna get you there.
What may be more.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
Effective is to say, even if in the moment your
goal is to solely just communicate your feelings.
Speaker 3 (20:43):
It's.
Speaker 2 (20:46):
What you just said really hurt my feelings. I want
us to talk about this, but I need to take.
Speaker 4 (20:54):
Some time.
Speaker 2 (20:56):
Because I am really needing to sit with my feelings
right now and I don't want to say anything that's
gonna hurt our relationship more.
Speaker 1 (21:06):
That's a really great one down. Yeah, planting the seed.
Speaker 3 (21:10):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
Now again, going back to what I said earlier about
being pessimistic. I know that someone is listening to this
and they're like, this is real cute. But we know how,
especially culturally, some generations can be I speaking about my
personal experience, and I'm thinking about older, older Black people,
the older black elder, not all of them. So if
(21:32):
you're listening to your elder I'm not saying everyone, but
I'm thinking about my experience in the past. Some of
them have not been open to feedback there they've had
this sort of energy. If I'm right, you don't give
me feedback that type of thing. And what I'll say
to that is that we're in a time where you know,
things are changing, right, Many of us are evolving, older
(21:52):
Black people included, are evolving. And so even if you're
in a situation where you don't think this will work,
if you've never tried it, you don't know until you try, right,
and especially if you go in with intentionality and you
go on with tools. Not to say that it's going
to work every time, because I still have people in
my family and in my life where I know if
I tried to do this it would not be a
positive situation. It probably would not work out because that
(22:14):
person is where they are, and a lot of times
there may be some personality disorders or some mental health
challenges or some other things that are going on in
their world that are causing them to show up in
that way, at least in my experience. But kind of
going back to what you said around timing and setting
the table, I took a couple of notes here. One
of the things I thought about is how it's important
(22:34):
to strike while the iron's hot, but also be mindful
of the timing and like the setting right, because ideally
you don't want to do this in a space where
the pert because I'm good, I used to be good
for doing this, where you have feedback from like five
months ago, it's like, girl, what day when did this happen?
So ideally you want to be able to do it
in a time frame, I mean twenty four hours if possible.
(22:55):
If possible. Right. Of course, your situation may be unique,
so do the best you can, but how to make
sure it is timely so that everyone can kind of
recall the situation and how it happened. I'm thinking also
when it comes to timing, you don't want to get
nobody feedback on their wedding day or at their birthday party,
because people do stuff like that at their birthday party
or on vacation. Again, we want to be mindful, right.
That might be a situation where it's like, Okay, I
(23:17):
can't do it in twenty four hours, but when we
get back, I'll do it then, you know. So that's
something else to consider. And then the other thing I'm
thinking when it comes to timing is, if possible, it's
really nice to be able to get you out of
that sort of ad of the serial positioning where you're
sitting across from each other, or you're sitting in a
way where it's just not as invited. So if you
(23:37):
can go on a walk where you're side by side, right,
or have a FaceTime rather than a phone call so
you can get more of that personal connection, that'd be
kind of neat to explore that as well.
Speaker 2 (23:49):
So what I would say to that also is generally
they I like that twenty four hour rule, right, Yeah,
But I also think about from the therapy perspective when
because for me, when I think about giving the feedback,
what often comes up is I'm sitting with the client
(24:12):
and they're realizing that perhaps maybe we're processing things from childhood, right,
and so clearly that's some years that has gone by, right,
and so twenty four hours have coming gone okay, and
they're like, I really think it would be important for
me to talk to my parents about this, or talk
to this particular elder about this, And so for me
(24:36):
in those moments, in those instances, I think it's helpful
to reach out and say, like, hey, there's some things
that I want to talk to you about, some things
from the past that i'd.
Speaker 3 (24:50):
Like to revisit.
Speaker 2 (24:52):
When would be a good time for us to have
this conversation? And so then you're giving them an opportunity
to choose a time and a place because also you
want to be mindful of the person who's going to
be receiving the feedback, and you want while we often
think about what we need to be comfortable, it's also
(25:15):
helpful to think about what that person might need, might
need and so, and even if you can't identify it,
you can ask, You can say when would be a
good time and place for us to have this conversation?
Because I want to make sure that both of us
(25:41):
feel as comfortable, safe, and ready as possible for it.
And I know that we can't control all of these factors,
but to the extent possible, when do you have the
capacity what's a good place for us to have this conversation?
Speaker 1 (26:01):
I think that it's excellent. Dom And what I would
add to that is if you say that to this person,
whoever it might be, be prepared to potentially have the
conversation right then, because I'm sure you've been in a
situation where you tell someone that you're like, I want
to have a conversation, like, well, shit, let's do it
right now. Because my anxiety, the way my anxiety is
set up, I don't want to be thinking about when
the conversation is going to happen and what's going to happen.
So I've definitely been sort of blindsided in the past,
(26:23):
and I've done that, and.
Speaker 2 (26:24):
So here's how you handle a blind okay's how you
handle a blind side. You can say to them, I
hear you, I'm glad you want to have the conversation.
I was not prepared for us to have the conversation
in this moment. If you could give me and you
(26:46):
be specific, like, maybe how think about how much time
you might need to settle yourself and say, if you could.
Speaker 3 (26:53):
Give me five minutes, I'll be ready.
Speaker 2 (26:58):
So, just because they are anxious and they're like, in
this moment, let's do it now, you don't have to.
You can give yourself a little bit of time now.
I wouldn't say tell them, well, let's wait two weeks,
like I wouldn't. That's not I would not suggest that
(27:19):
I would suggest, still honoring their need to have it
right then, Yeah, but it doesn't have to be in
that exact moment. They can wait five minutes because yeah,
they can wait five minutes. And also you can say
this is not I sense that you're you're worried, this
(27:40):
is not something that is urgent or an emergency.
Speaker 3 (27:46):
It's okay if.
Speaker 2 (27:49):
We wait a little while, we don't have to have
this conversation today.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
Yeah, that's helpful.
Speaker 2 (27:56):
And you can also offer to to tell them a
little bit about what like give them a general topic like, yeah,
I want to talk about what happened at my high
school graduation. M right, Like you can give them a
like more information without going into the details.
Speaker 1 (28:22):
I like that down because I definitely have felt in
the past rushed when someone's like, wait, I want to
know right now, what is it because mine'xiety? I'm like, well,
damn now I'm anxious because I wasn't ready. But I
think even letting them know like I just wanted to
I didn't want to spring this upon you and like
surprise you. So I wanted to plant the seed so
that we could be more prepared. So, like you said,
it's pretending to this thing and then I'm also thinking
about when it comes to timing, right if you have
(28:43):
feedback for your kids. Ideally it's like after dinner or
doing a car ride, and it's not like first thing
in the morning. I know, I remember waking up in
such a chaotic household and like you wake up in
the morning and it's drama, nonsense. It's like, damn, what
a way to start your day. Like that's just no
one wants to start their day that way, right, So
I think that could really be helpful, like waiting at
the right time, not before they have a presentation or
(29:05):
there's like a big thing happening for them, because you
don't want to mess up their energies they go into
this next event, whatever that thing might be. And then
with parents, ideally same thing like try not to I
had someone recently tell me how their partner used to
call them when they were at work with like drama
and nonsense, like cussing them out and just trying to
text them and call them about nonsense when they were
(29:26):
at the office. It's like, well, damn, let's just be
a bit more considerate about the timing for everyone involved,
if possible, right, if possible? So yes, shall we dive
into number three?
Speaker 3 (29:39):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (29:40):
Okay, so number three is be specific, not sweeping, so
using clear examples instead of character judgments. I think this
is a really good one because it is so easy
to say to someone you're always fill in the blank, right,
like you're always late, You're always saying this, And when
you think about it, when we sort of paint things
(30:00):
and broad strokes in that way, is anyone always something?
Usually not. They may do it a lot. It may
be like, damn, you do this the hell look like,
come on, you do this a lot, right, But like
saying it in that way or even saying things like
you are so and then inserting a very offensive adjective, right,
So it might be better to say something like, when
you arrived thirty minutes after pickup, I felt anxious, so
(30:24):
I felt abandoned, you know, or something like that. Really
going into or leaning into those eye statements that many
of us have learned about when it comes to conflict
resolution and you know, owning our feelings, and so I
think that could be a good one, especially when it
comes to elders and children and trying to help them
understand that you're not attacking their person, right, you're not
attacking them as a person. We're more so addressing behavior
(30:48):
and separating that, right, because we all have ego, and
when when the ego gets involved and someone feels attacked
and they feel like they need to protect and defend,
things come up right, and it usually is not the
idea energy that we want in that situation. So I
think that's also something to keep in mind. Be specific.
You don't have to jot down a running laundry list
(31:08):
of all the things, but if you do have one
or two examples, it might be nice. Like last Friday,
you know, we were in the we were I don't know,
having a family meeting, and you said this, it made
me feel this way or something like that.
Speaker 3 (31:19):
Yes, I think that that's great.
Speaker 2 (31:20):
I I the specificity is so important because the other
thing is that like, if you're not specific, then they
don't know exactly what it was that they did right.
And it may be that this one time they were
running late because there was a traffic accident, all right,
(31:47):
and then the next time they were running late it
truly was because they they mismanaged, truly mismanaged their time,
and that was their back right. But those may warrant
those are two different examples, same outcome, they were late,
(32:07):
but two different examples that may generate different responses from
them based on when they get that feedback of like,
you're always late, And for them, the thing that may
easily come up might be the most recent thing, which
was because they were.
Speaker 3 (32:25):
Running late because there was a traffic accident.
Speaker 2 (32:29):
And now they're like feeling attacked for something that wasn't
their fault, and they get defensive or they snap back
at you, and.
Speaker 3 (32:40):
You don't get the resolution that you're.
Speaker 2 (32:42):
Looking for, right, And so I think it is I
think specificity can truly be important because it helps to
truly understand that it's about the behavior and not the
person themselves. And because I think about like some of
our some of our elders, and also some of our littles,
(33:08):
right like some of our littles may often assume because
they haven't figured out, particularly the littles, they haven't quite
figured out how to separate a behavior from who they
are as a person. And so when you provide that
little the little person with their with that feedback, and
(33:30):
you don't give a clear example, then their assumption is,
mommy thinks I'm an awful person. When no, Mommy was
giving you feedback that your room is constantly in chaos,
(33:51):
and it's not helpful when your room is constantly in
chaos because you are losing things, and then it makes
mind mommy late for work in the morning because she
has to come and help you find the things that
you need to get ready for school in the morning.
But if mommy says you're a slob, your room is
(34:14):
your room is always a mess. The baby's not hearing that.
The baby's hearing. What the baby truly is hearing is
mommy thinks I'm a slob. Mommy thinks I'm an awful
person because I'm a slob.
Speaker 1 (34:27):
And I'm not good enough, and I'm yes.
Speaker 2 (34:30):
And I'm not, and so it starts a whole process,
right yep. When in reality, the feedback that baby girl
needs to receive is when your room is in the
state that it's in, it slows down our morning routine.
Let's work together to figure out how we can get
(34:57):
your room in a better space, more organized space.
Speaker 3 (35:03):
But then that's also feedback.
Speaker 2 (35:05):
For mommy in there may be something else going on
with our little that needs to be, something deeper that
needs to be addressed.
Speaker 3 (35:18):
All right, so that takes us to.
Speaker 2 (35:22):
Our fourth one, right, and I kind of gave it
like in my example of how to talk to our
little like, I kind of demonstrated this, and that's balancing
truth with compassion. That how we deliver the information is
(35:42):
just as important as the information itself. Right, that it's
helpful to use eye statements, so the ones we typically
think of is I felt hurt when this happened, instead
of the you make me feel. Using the eye statements
(36:07):
allows you to take ownership of how you're feeling, and
it allows you to deliver it in a way that
it's still truthful, but balancing it with some compassion for
this and some understanding that that might not have the
(36:29):
action might not reflect that person's intent.
Speaker 1 (36:33):
I think you nail that one, Tom. And also I
think that I don't really know many situations where you
can give someone feedback and just cussing involved and there's
gonna be a positive outcome. I just don't see a
world where that is happening, Like I just no. Yeah,
if you want to maintain the relationship, like whatever relationship
(36:54):
it is, hopefully it's definitely not the kids law. Don't
cuss at the babies. Y'all with the elders, I mean,
I don't know. I just don't see a positive outcome.
So in balancing truth with compassion, I just would say,
we didn't really state that explicitly here, but we should
probably just shy away from using curse words when we're
giving feedback. I just don't think it'll be helpful at
(37:15):
all when it comes to the ideal outcome. So that's
it out add there, Tom. Have you had any conversations
that you can think of or you've had to soften
the feedback out of fear of disrespect?
Speaker 2 (37:27):
You can think, I mean when you say the not
that we can't, not that we don't respect the littles,
but I immediate as soon as you said disrespect, I
thought about elders. And because the elders are usually the
one to say, oh you were disrespected, that's disrespectful. You
disrespected me by saying that. I can think of examples.
(37:51):
I can think of an example where I received the
feedback secondhand, wa, what do you mean that?
Speaker 3 (38:02):
Okay, So.
Speaker 2 (38:04):
I had a conversation with an elder where I provided
them with feedback, right, and.
Speaker 1 (38:12):
I thought.
Speaker 3 (38:14):
Conversation went well, right, Like I thought that I.
Speaker 2 (38:17):
Used most of these tools in navigating this conversation second hand.
Later on, Okay, I received feedback that the conversation that
I had with that elder was perceived by that elder
as disrespectful.
Speaker 1 (38:37):
Got you.
Speaker 3 (38:39):
Because I provided them with feedback.
Speaker 2 (38:43):
My response to that was we should all be open
to receiving feedback. Yes, And if there was something that
I said that was offensive, I'm open to hearing that
it was offensive to what would have been perceived as
receive received as offensive. But if I'm being told that
(39:05):
it's disrespectful because it was truthful.
Speaker 1 (39:09):
And it hurt their feelings and they won't hear.
Speaker 2 (39:11):
It and they weren't ready to receive it, that's a
whole different thing.
Speaker 3 (39:15):
And that's not on me.
Speaker 1 (39:17):
Yes, that is so good. Oh, I love that. Thank
you for sharing that example. Yeah, I'm just processing that. Okay, Yeah,
that was a really good example. All right. Now.
Speaker 2 (39:27):
So and our elders, I mean, and you know, and
like you, like you said earlier, our elders come from
a different generation and some of them struggle with that
because that wasn't something and to be quite honest, some
of us in our generation struggle with that because that
wasn't something that.
Speaker 3 (39:43):
We were taught.
Speaker 2 (39:46):
That it was okay to give and receive. But I
appreciate this new generation in their willingness to give and
receive fee back. But I think that the key is
this conversation, this piece of the conversation I we're having
today about how to deliver it in a way that,
(40:12):
like we said, balance is truth with compassion.
Speaker 1 (40:16):
I love that you pointed that out, Don, because that
hasn't that wasn't the norm for many of our elders
and those that came before us. That feedback loop. Like
young people, a lot of us heard growing up like
you are to be seen and not heard, right, And
so I think a lot of them still subscribe to that.
Many of some of them still subscribe to that belief.
And so it's not to shame them. It's just that
times are changing and it's important for us to have
(40:37):
these conversations. And also, girls, I get older, I'm already
in the auntie realm. I guess. I guess I've been
recruiting to the auntie. Yes, so it's not and some
people might say I'm an elder, you know, Tea, it's debatable, right,
But like when I get to that stage when I
am as I continue to age, I want to be
an elder that is open to feedback as well. I
don't want to just think, oh, because I live this
(40:58):
amount of years, would I say goals like that? I
think that's how we start growing. And so it's so
important for us to all to at least attempt to
be open to feedback, you know, especially when it's like
constructive feedback that can develop us and help us with
our growth. Yeah, ok, let'stop its number five, y'all. Number
five is all for what you need going forward. This
(41:21):
is such a great one. And ideally when you are looking,
like when you are listening to this and looking at
the show notes and you're seeing the tips here, you
can strategize and view them all and kind of create
your plan before you go in. Right, So I think
this kind of ties to the why you have the
why for the conversation, and then you're getting clear on
like what do I even want here? Like end your
feedback ideally with a clear, hopeful request, right? Is it
(41:44):
in an apology? Is it changed behavior? Ideally? Provide an
example and if you don't know, try to sit with
yourself and get clear on Okay, if this were to
happen next time we were to have the same interaction,
how would I want them to show up? Ideally, right,
Because the great thing about when you can provide someone
with that feedback, it gives them something to shoot for,
(42:04):
so they're not just like, Okay, well you told me this,
Like now what? So it might be like, next time,
can we talk before a decision is made? Right? Or
can we both agree to put phones down during family time?
Whatever it might be. So I think it's really important
to get clear on that.
Speaker 2 (42:20):
Yeah, I think I love that idea because sometimes when
we go into the feedback and we don't know what
we want next, we feel stuck when the person asks,
all right, so what do we do now?
Speaker 3 (42:35):
And then it's like, well, what do you.
Speaker 2 (42:39):
What was the point of us having this conversation exactly
outside of you wanted me to have the information, right,
And so going back to what I had mentioned earlier,
sometimes that might be the point, right, is that I
really don't need anything else from you going forward. I
needed you to be a where that what you said
(43:03):
or did had this impact.
Speaker 1 (43:07):
I feel like in that situation, don it would be
like don't do that again. Ideally, like that would be
the you know, that will be the ask. Maybe don't
say it in that way, but like that would be
the ask, right, like tinage your behavior?
Speaker 2 (43:17):
Yeah, yes, yes, And but for some people they're not
they're not there yet to say or to even recognize
I don't want this to happen again. They may still
be in that phase of simply I just needed you
to know, okay.
Speaker 3 (43:35):
And so what that does, though, is leaves room to.
Speaker 2 (43:42):
Say, can we revisit this.
Speaker 3 (43:47):
If something else comes up?
Speaker 2 (43:49):
Right, And that's for either person to say that, and
and so then what that what that does is if.
Speaker 3 (43:58):
Two weeks later, or.
Speaker 2 (44:00):
Hell even two hours later, you're reflecting on the conversation
and you're like, wait, I spend all that time telling
them what I want, that what I was feeling, But really, yeah,
I do need them to not do this again. Hmmm
(44:21):
all right, let me Yeah, I need to revisit this, right. So,
because sometimes we're in a space where we don't know
what we need moving forward. And so while it is
helpful to think about that going into the conversation, I
don't think that it's an absolute requirement to know.
Speaker 3 (44:41):
That going into it, for sure. And also.
Speaker 2 (44:47):
There may be things that you identify in that moment,
but other things come up when you reflect. So let's
say that you you put in your request of you
know you, when you did a B, my feelings were hurt.
Speaker 3 (45:04):
Moving forward? Could you not do a D and C?
And then you have some time.
Speaker 2 (45:10):
To reflect and you're like, hmm, maybe it would be
helpful if we both did DF right, and so then
that's an opportunity to revisit and to say, hey, I've
had some time.
Speaker 3 (45:31):
I was reflecting on our conversation and.
Speaker 2 (45:35):
Based on what we talked about, here's something else that
came up for me that I think might be even
more helpful for deepening our relationship.
Speaker 1 (45:46):
I love that. Awesome. Awesome. Should we do a quick
recap and then do the after show because Lady, in
the after show, we want to cover a few ways
that you can handle when the feedback goes wrong, so
when the person is like not here for it, it's
not a positive experience. We're going to go into the
after show after this to share some tips there. So
you can visit her space podcast dot com, click anywhere
(46:06):
you see Patreon, and you can subscribe to the after
show to also see the video of the episode as well.
Speaker 3 (46:13):
All right, love to do it?
Speaker 1 (46:14):
So yes.
Speaker 2 (46:16):
Our tips for how to give feedback. One, think about
the heart behind.
Speaker 3 (46:26):
The feedback, so what is your why? Number two.
Speaker 2 (46:32):
Be mindful of the timing and how you set the
table for the conversation. Number three, be specific and not
sweeping in the examples that you provide. Number four, balance
the truth with compassion, and number five offer what you
(46:57):
need going forward. All ur lady, we will see you
in the after show.
Speaker 4 (47:05):
It's doctor dom here from the Cultivating her Space podcast.
Are you currently a resident of the state of California
and contemplating starting your therapy journey? Well, if so, please
reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com.
That's d R D O M I N I q
(47:27):
U E B R O U S s ar d
dot com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation.
Speaker 2 (47:37):
I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks for tuning
into Cultivating her Space. Remember that while this podcast is
all about healing, empowerment, and resilience, it's not a substitute
for therapy. If you or someone you know needs support,
check out resources like Therapy for Black Girls for Psychology Today.
(48:00):
If you love today's episode, Do us a favor and
share it with a friend who needs some inspiration, or
leave us a quick five star review. Your support means
the world to us and helps keep this space thriving.
Speaker 1 (48:14):
And before we meet again, repeat after me. I release
the old with gratitude and prepare for the new with intention.
Keep thriving, Lady, and tune in next Friday for more
inspiration from cultivating her Space. In the meantime, be sure
to connect with us on Instagram at her Space Podcast.
On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
Sometimes your why simply is to let them know that
they hurt you. It's simply to make them aware of
their impact on your feelings and the potential damage that
their words or actions have on your relationship with them.
Speaker 3 (00:22):
And that's important to be aware of.
Speaker 2 (00:28):
Tay Lady, have you ever felt like the world just
doesn't get you? Well, we do.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
Welcome to Cultivating her Space, the podcast dedicated to uplifting
and empowering women like you.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
We're your hosts, doctor Dominique Brussard, and educator and psychologists.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
And Terry Lomax, a techy and transformational speaker.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Join us every week for authentic conversations about everything from
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women to just be.
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Before we dive in, make sure you hit that follow
button and leave us a quick five star review. Lady,
we are black founded and black owned, and your support
will help us reach even more women like you.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
Now, let's get into this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.
Speaker 1 (01:22):
If you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure of your next steps,
this is for you. Hey, lady, is tea here and
I just want to invite you to my free goal
map like a pro coaching workshop, where I'll share the
five proven steps to get unstuck and achieve your goals.
Whether you're feeling overwhelmed by all your ideas, juggling scattered ideas,
(01:43):
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you up for success. I hope to see you there.
Speaker 3 (02:07):
Our quote of the day.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
Feedback is a gift and it's okay to unwrap it slowly. Now, lady,
if you listen to our part one of the feedback loop,
you'll recognize.
Speaker 3 (02:22):
That quote of the day.
Speaker 2 (02:23):
But for those of you who didn't, I will say
it one more time. Feedback is a gift and it's
okay to unwrap it slowly.
Speaker 3 (02:36):
All right, so t we are ready.
Speaker 2 (02:39):
In season twenty seven, episode eight, we talked about this
quote from the aspect of when you're the person receiving
the feedback But when you hear this quote and think
about what we're focusing on today and how to give feedback, what.
Speaker 3 (03:02):
Comes up for you?
Speaker 1 (03:04):
So what really comes up for me? And I say
this not to be pessimistic, but I'm thinking about just
from personal experience, I would say don that you and
I were pretty committed to personal growth and development. Not
to say that that makes feedback easier for us to receive,
but I know that if we are doing something wrong,
(03:25):
we want to know and we are open to feedback,
even if it hurts our feelings and we're like, oh,
my little feelings are hurt. But I've found that in
my life there have been many times when the people
who are receiving feedback it's not a gift to them.
They don't want to hear it. They're not open to
the growth. And so it can be a little gnarly
when you are offering feedback to someone and they don't
(03:46):
see it as a gift although it could help me,
even when you're very intentional and you try to do
your best to communicate it. So that is honestly what
came up. That's what came to mind for me. Yeah,
what about you? What comes up?
Speaker 3 (03:57):
That's true.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
I think the thing that I appreciate that perspective because
that is real, like it is hard to give the feedback,
which is why for me, this quote makes me think
about the importance of going slow, slowing down when you
are the person who has to give it. That it
(04:21):
makes me think about sometimes, particularly for people who are anxious.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
That.
Speaker 2 (04:29):
When you have to give feedback, if it's something that
you might be uncomfortable with, or the situation is uncomfortable
and you want to just hurry up and get it
out right, whether it's because you just need to get
it off your chest or you need it resolved, like
whatever it is, you're anxious about getting it out and
(04:51):
you're in a rush, and usually that's when things go wrong.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
Yes, because you Yes, that's such a good point.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
And so this quote to me is a reminder that
if you are the person giving the feedback, that it's
more than okay too to slow it down and to
be intentional about how you're giving that feedback. And so
(05:22):
we'll go into more details about that later, but I
think that that's what really came up for me.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
Yes, Oh, I love that so much. Now you having
about to jump on it, and I'm like, oh, let's
let's talk about examples, but we'll set some context for
today's episode. Lady, as Domm alluded to earlier, So a
couple months ago, and I believe it was season twenty seven,
episode eight, we talked about how to receive feedback, especially
as parents and caregivers. And so today we're going to
flip the mirror to the other side and talk about
(05:50):
how to give feedback. So it could be feedback to
our children, feedback to younger generations, or even upward to
elders or parents. And the idea here is to give
that feedback without guilt, fear, or resentment. And so we
want to talk about some of our best practices and
our personal experiences and even some and she could say
(06:10):
blenders and situations where it did not go as planned.
So maybe we can just kind of dive into why
this topic is important. Why do you think that this
is an important topic. I think you kind of said
it earlier, but I'm sure you want to.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
Yeah, to me, it's important because relationships are important, yes,
and relationships don't get to improve if there isn't some
level of feedback. And feedback doesn't people hear that word
(06:46):
and they often think of criticism, right, And I know that,
like part of this topic, part of how we're talking
about it today, is about offering that critical feedback. But
feedback can also be like the positive like if I say, Tea,
(07:09):
I like that color lipstick you're wearing today, where'd you
get that shade? Right?
Speaker 3 (07:13):
Like that, that's a cute shade. That's back.
Speaker 2 (07:19):
But we but we use the word compliment, right, But
compliment and when we're talking about the positive things.
Speaker 3 (07:27):
Yeah, a compliment is still feedback.
Speaker 2 (07:33):
And so I think that's also part of it too.
Why this conversation is important is that it's a lot
easier most times for people to give that positive feedback,
to give that compliment. But a lot of people truly
(07:54):
struggle with giving feedback in a helpful way. I know
that there are people who have no problem.
Speaker 3 (08:01):
Giving feedback, Yeah, in that.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
What can feel or be perceived as aggressive or confrontational
or confrontational, right, and so, and that's not helpful or
healthy for relationship building. Yeah, Like if every time you
give me feedback you're couching it in a disk or
(08:26):
an insult, that does not endear me to you, that
does not make me feel safe in our relationship.
Speaker 3 (08:35):
That does not make me want.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
To get closer to you. If anything, it makes me
pull away.
Speaker 3 (08:43):
It makes me shrink.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
Because if everything you offer is a diss or an insult,
who wants to sign up for that all the time.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
Yeah, that's a really good point. I love those points
that you brought up. I want to add a little
to that down because as you were sharing that, it
made me think about a friendship that I had years ago.
And one of the things we used to brag about
was in that friendship is we never have an argument, Like,
we never had any disagreements. But what I realized over
the years is that when you have it not to
say that every friendship needs a disagreement or an argument
(09:18):
per se, but it's like, if you have a healthy
friendship or relationship, there should and will be points where
you may not agree upon something, and having a conversation
about those things is important. And so what I realized
in situations where that was happening, where we never have
any issues, well, that means something might be being brushed
under the rug and there may not be as much
(09:39):
authenticity or transparency. And you know what the funny thing
is too, Having a degree in conflict resolution. One of
the things that I learned in my program is that
many people, many of the people that I interacted with,
were uncomfortable giving feedback, some people uncomfortable getting compliments even,
and some people uncomfortable giving constructive feedback. But it's so important,
(09:59):
and we're going to dive into I don't know, maybe
we should just dive in, dive into some of these
points now because one of the first ones here is
knowing the heart behind the feedback. And I think that
is just so important before you even go have a
conversation with someone, to understand like what is the why here?
You know, like are you am I trying to connect
(10:20):
with the person? Am I trying to protect? Am I
trying to control?
Speaker 4 (10:24):
Right?
Speaker 1 (10:24):
Because sometimes we have we might have our own little
toxic traits trying to you know, show up in life.
And so understanding with the why is did you have
something downe?
Speaker 3 (10:34):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (10:34):
Because I think you know, we're that's so important. That
why is so important, particularly when we're talking about parents
and caregivers who are giving that feedback to younger generations
or their children. Is so important to know that why
because oftentimes you may be in a space of giving
(10:59):
feedback to protect them from something that you're afraid of,
not necessarily something that's about them, that's truly about them.
And so for me when I hear that knowing your why,
particularly around interacting with the younger generations, it is so
(11:21):
important to make sure that what your intentions are and
that it's not about you trying to control them or
to be or because of your own stuff.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
That listen, we need to we're the church tambarine and
the off frame plate because you need to pass that around.
But you know, when you said that down, it makes
me think about my daughter who's four I'll be five soon.
And we went to we went to a museum. Yeah,
it was like a science museum recently, and they had
a children's activity going on and there were kids that
(11:59):
they invited to come up on stage and like take
little I think I may have sent you a video
of this. Take like different musical instruments and sashes and
they could go up and dance, and she loves to dance,
and so she'll get up and dance. She's at that
age where she doesn't have that fear what are people thinking?
And I want to keep that for as long as
possible and for me personally, I would not have just
(12:19):
gone up on that stage to go dance in front
of these people. So that's an example of I could have,
you know, being a parent, wanting to protect, wanting to
you know, really project you know, my personal fear and
security onto I could have said, don't go up there.
You don't want the people looking at you crazy. But
then that's why it's important to sit with yourself and understand, wait, wait,
wait before I get this feedback, what is the why
(12:39):
behind it? Because I don't want to go put that
on her. So she went up there and she danced.
I recorded her, celebrated her and was and told her
how proud I was because I want her to feel that,
have that experience, have that freedom, and know that she
can do that in a safe space, you know what
I mean. So that made me think about one of
those examples. I think another thing, don when it comes
to knowing your why, I love to write write out
(13:00):
feedback beforehand to really get grounded because, like you said earlier,
I found that when you when I don't prepare and
when I have, when I'm emotionally charged, it tends to
come out in a way while I'm regretting something that
I said, and I'm like, damn it, I should have waited,
I should have cooled down. So I like to be
able to write out my thoughts, even if you have
to write some people, I'm thinking of situations where it's
(13:21):
a bit more tense, right. I think generally giving someone
a compliment or saying to someone, you know, I loved
how you did that today. I do think that that's
generally a bit easier of a conversation to have for
most people. But I'm thinking about when you have constructive feedback.
I personally like to say constructive versus criticism, because criticism
does have a negative connotation. But if you have something constructive,
(13:42):
it is really helpful to write it out and get
clear on the why, because at the end of the day,
if you are giving feedback to someone and the goal
is to inform and to let's say, educate about let's
say someone hurt your feelings, the goal ultimate usually when
it comes to the why is to maintain a working relationship,
(14:04):
whether it's work, family member. You want to be able
to have a rapport with this person moving forward. So
if you go cuss them out and you all types
of b's and h's and all that. Then it's like, well,
where does that leave us after the conversation. So that's
why I think it's really important to get clear on
the why.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
Yeah, I would agree, I think that. And I also
want to acknowledge before we move to the next thing
that sometimes your why, particularly if it's you speaking to
an older generation, sometimes your why simply is to let
them know that they hurt you, right, Like it's simply
(14:42):
to make them aware of their impact on your feelings
and the potential damage that their words or actions have
on your relationship with them. And that's important to to
be aware of that. Perhaps you're not looking for anything
(15:05):
beyond that.
Speaker 1 (15:07):
Yeah, And.
Speaker 2 (15:10):
Sometimes I think when people move from that space, it's
all right, I'm just telling you that you hurt my feelings,
and then we keep it moving, right, don't. I don't
want nothing else, I don't need nothing else. I don't
want to even hear what you have to say. I
don't care about an apology. I just need you to
know that you pissed me off, or you hurt my feelings. Okay,
(15:33):
even in that tone as I was giving that example,
like you hear how it is right? Right?
Speaker 3 (15:39):
So and so I think it. Your feelings are.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
Valid, but taking that approach is not going to be helpful.
Speaker 3 (15:52):
And so even if.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
You know that your why is only to communicate your
you still need to think about our next step right.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
Before we dive into that dom. We have to talk
about intent versus impact, because that has come up a
lot when it comes to feedback loops, right, And so, lady,
what we mean by this before we jump in is
a lot of times we're one. We are all individual,
unique humans having our own human experience, right, and so
(16:27):
we all have different different perspectives, different traumas, different experiences
that we're bringing to the table, right. And so there
may be a time where I, let's say I'm trying
to think of an example. Let's say I want to
tell my Okay, let's say I want to tell my
dad that I did not like the way he said
something to me, and so my intentions are to tell
(16:48):
him this and communicate in a certain way. But the
way he receives it, the impact that it had on him,
they may be totally different, right, They may not correlate.
I may have had the intention to say something a
certain way or to show up in a certain way,
but it doesn't necessarily match the impact. And so I
think it's important to also realize that sometimes we will
do our best to communicate in a certain way, but
(17:11):
it's important we'll talk, we'll kind of bring this full circles,
we have the full conversation, but sometimes our intent doesn't
match the impact, and so it's important to also hold
space for that other person's experience and how they may
have received it, because they may have a different communication style,
they may have a different expectation, and another thing, they
may have a different way in which they would have
approached the conversation. How many times have you given someone
(17:32):
feedback and they're like, well, if I were you, I
would have just came to me and said that whatever,
it might be right. And so we're all different though
we may communicate differently. So that's one thing I just
wanted to share. Is there anything you would add to
that down when it comes to the intent versus impact.
Speaker 3 (17:48):
No, because I think it leaves that leads us.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
That's a good tie in, good point from what I
was saying about the but the example of you were
only wanting to your intent is to just make them
know what you're feeling and how it actually comes out,
which is and which is why this next stage of
(18:13):
timing and setting the table is important, right, because the
timing and how you.
Speaker 3 (18:19):
Set the table for the conversation.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
Can lessen the negative impact and help you move closer
to having the intent be what you.
Speaker 3 (18:32):
Really like, really come out, really be clear.
Speaker 2 (18:35):
Right.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
Yes, So.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
Sticking with the example of the elder hurts your feelings, right,
and you're wanting them to know that what they said
was hurtful and inappropriate. Saying that if you are feeling
if you're still feeling really charged, Yeah, saying it in
(19:03):
the moment.
Speaker 3 (19:06):
Might not be the right time.
Speaker 2 (19:10):
Ideally, you want to be able to say it when
your calm, they're calm, both people are feeling open to
having the dialogue. Right, So, telling them in the moment
(19:31):
what we would call like that drive by feedback, what
you said right there really hurt my feelings. I'm out, Like,
I just need you to know that what you said
hurt my feelings, and you hang up the phone or
you walk away. Okay, your goal in telling them that
they hurt your feelings is accomplished. But what's going to
(19:55):
be the fallout from that? And so if the goal
is to simply make your feelings known. Cool, you've made
your feelings known. But if the goal is twofold or
maybe threefold, to communicate your feelings.
Speaker 3 (20:18):
And to deepen the connection.
Speaker 2 (20:23):
And make sure that this doesn't happen again, saying that
your feelings are hurt and walking away in.
Speaker 3 (20:31):
That moment does not That's not gonna get you there.
What may be more.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
Effective is to say, even if in the moment your
goal is to solely just communicate your feelings.
Speaker 3 (20:43):
It's.
Speaker 2 (20:46):
What you just said really hurt my feelings. I want
us to talk about this, but I need to take.
Speaker 4 (20:54):
Some time.
Speaker 2 (20:56):
Because I am really needing to sit with my feelings
right now and I don't want to say anything that's
gonna hurt our relationship more.
Speaker 1 (21:06):
That's a really great one down. Yeah, planting the seed.
Speaker 3 (21:10):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
Now again, going back to what I said earlier about
being pessimistic. I know that someone is listening to this
and they're like, this is real cute. But we know how,
especially culturally, some generations can be I speaking about my
personal experience, and I'm thinking about older, older Black people,
the older black elder, not all of them. So if
(21:32):
you're listening to your elder I'm not saying everyone, but
I'm thinking about my experience in the past. Some of
them have not been open to feedback there they've had
this sort of energy. If I'm right, you don't give
me feedback that type of thing. And what I'll say
to that is that we're in a time where you know,
things are changing, right, Many of us are evolving, older
(21:52):
Black people included, are evolving. And so even if you're
in a situation where you don't think this will work,
if you've never tried it, you don't know until you try, right,
and especially if you go in with intentionality and you
go on with tools. Not to say that it's going
to work every time, because I still have people in
my family and in my life where I know if
I tried to do this it would not be a
positive situation. It probably would not work out because that
(22:14):
person is where they are, and a lot of times
there may be some personality disorders or some mental health
challenges or some other things that are going on in
their world that are causing them to show up in
that way, at least in my experience. But kind of
going back to what you said around timing and setting
the table, I took a couple of notes here. One
of the things I thought about is how it's important
(22:34):
to strike while the iron's hot, but also be mindful
of the timing and like the setting right, because ideally
you don't want to do this in a space where
the pert because I'm good, I used to be good
for doing this, where you have feedback from like five
months ago, it's like, girl, what day when did this happen?
So ideally you want to be able to do it
in a time frame, I mean twenty four hours if possible.
(22:55):
If possible. Right. Of course, your situation may be unique,
so do the best you can, but how to make
sure it is timely so that everyone can kind of
recall the situation and how it happened. I'm thinking also
when it comes to timing, you don't want to get
nobody feedback on their wedding day or at their birthday party,
because people do stuff like that at their birthday party
or on vacation. Again, we want to be mindful, right.
That might be a situation where it's like, Okay, I
(23:17):
can't do it in twenty four hours, but when we
get back, I'll do it then, you know. So that's
something else to consider. And then the other thing I'm
thinking when it comes to timing is, if possible, it's
really nice to be able to get you out of
that sort of ad of the serial positioning where you're
sitting across from each other, or you're sitting in a
way where it's just not as invited. So if you
(23:37):
can go on a walk where you're side by side, right,
or have a FaceTime rather than a phone call so
you can get more of that personal connection, that'd be
kind of neat to explore that as well.
Speaker 2 (23:49):
So what I would say to that also is generally
they I like that twenty four hour rule, right, Yeah,
But I also think about from the therapy perspective when
because for me, when I think about giving the feedback,
what often comes up is I'm sitting with the client
(24:12):
and they're realizing that perhaps maybe we're processing things from childhood, right,
and so clearly that's some years that has gone by, right,
and so twenty four hours have coming gone okay, and
they're like, I really think it would be important for
me to talk to my parents about this, or talk
to this particular elder about this, And so for me
(24:36):
in those moments, in those instances, I think it's helpful
to reach out and say, like, hey, there's some things
that I want to talk to you about, some things
from the past that i'd.
Speaker 3 (24:50):
Like to revisit.
Speaker 2 (24:52):
When would be a good time for us to have
this conversation? And so then you're giving them an opportunity
to choose a time and a place because also you
want to be mindful of the person who's going to
be receiving the feedback, and you want while we often
think about what we need to be comfortable, it's also
(25:15):
helpful to think about what that person might need, might
need and so, and even if you can't identify it,
you can ask, You can say when would be a
good time and place for us to have this conversation?
Because I want to make sure that both of us
(25:41):
feel as comfortable, safe, and ready as possible for it.
And I know that we can't control all of these factors,
but to the extent possible, when do you have the
capacity what's a good place for us to have this conversation?
Speaker 1 (26:01):
I think that it's excellent. Dom And what I would
add to that is if you say that to this person,
whoever it might be, be prepared to potentially have the
conversation right then, because I'm sure you've been in a
situation where you tell someone that you're like, I want
to have a conversation, like, well, shit, let's do it
right now. Because my anxiety, the way my anxiety is
set up, I don't want to be thinking about when
the conversation is going to happen and what's going to happen.
So I've definitely been sort of blindsided in the past,
(26:23):
and I've done that, and.
Speaker 2 (26:24):
So here's how you handle a blind okay's how you
handle a blind side. You can say to them, I
hear you, I'm glad you want to have the conversation.
I was not prepared for us to have the conversation
in this moment. If you could give me and you
(26:46):
be specific, like, maybe how think about how much time
you might need to settle yourself and say, if you could.
Speaker 3 (26:53):
Give me five minutes, I'll be ready.
Speaker 2 (26:58):
So, just because they are anxious and they're like, in
this moment, let's do it now, you don't have to.
You can give yourself a little bit of time now.
I wouldn't say tell them, well, let's wait two weeks,
like I wouldn't. That's not I would not suggest that
(27:19):
I would suggest, still honoring their need to have it
right then, Yeah, but it doesn't have to be in
that exact moment. They can wait five minutes because yeah,
they can wait five minutes. And also you can say
this is not I sense that you're you're worried, this
(27:40):
is not something that is urgent or an emergency.
Speaker 3 (27:46):
It's okay if.
Speaker 2 (27:49):
We wait a little while, we don't have to have
this conversation today.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
Yeah, that's helpful.
Speaker 2 (27:56):
And you can also offer to to tell them a
little bit about what like give them a general topic like, yeah,
I want to talk about what happened at my high
school graduation. M right, Like you can give them a
like more information without going into the details.
Speaker 1 (28:22):
I like that down because I definitely have felt in
the past rushed when someone's like, wait, I want to
know right now, what is it because mine'xiety? I'm like, well,
damn now I'm anxious because I wasn't ready. But I
think even letting them know like I just wanted to
I didn't want to spring this upon you and like
surprise you. So I wanted to plant the seed so
that we could be more prepared. So, like you said,
it's pretending to this thing and then I'm also thinking
about when it comes to timing, right if you have
(28:43):
feedback for your kids. Ideally it's like after dinner or
doing a car ride, and it's not like first thing
in the morning. I know, I remember waking up in
such a chaotic household and like you wake up in
the morning and it's drama, nonsense. It's like, damn, what
a way to start your day. Like that's just no
one wants to start their day that way, right, So
I think that could really be helpful, like waiting at
the right time, not before they have a presentation or
(29:05):
there's like a big thing happening for them, because you
don't want to mess up their energies they go into
this next event, whatever that thing might be. And then
with parents, ideally same thing like try not to I
had someone recently tell me how their partner used to
call them when they were at work with like drama
and nonsense, like cussing them out and just trying to
text them and call them about nonsense when they were
(29:26):
at the office. It's like, well, damn, let's just be
a bit more considerate about the timing for everyone involved,
if possible, right, if possible? So yes, shall we dive
into number three?
Speaker 3 (29:39):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (29:40):
Okay, so number three is be specific, not sweeping, so
using clear examples instead of character judgments. I think this
is a really good one because it is so easy
to say to someone you're always fill in the blank, right,
like you're always late, You're always saying this, And when
you think about it, when we sort of paint things
(30:00):
and broad strokes in that way, is anyone always something?
Usually not. They may do it a lot. It may
be like, damn, you do this the hell look like,
come on, you do this a lot, right, But like
saying it in that way or even saying things like
you are so and then inserting a very offensive adjective, right,
So it might be better to say something like, when
you arrived thirty minutes after pickup, I felt anxious, so
(30:24):
I felt abandoned, you know, or something like that. Really
going into or leaning into those eye statements that many
of us have learned about when it comes to conflict
resolution and you know, owning our feelings, and so I
think that could be a good one, especially when it
comes to elders and children and trying to help them
understand that you're not attacking their person, right, you're not
attacking them as a person. We're more so addressing behavior
(30:48):
and separating that, right, because we all have ego, and
when when the ego gets involved and someone feels attacked
and they feel like they need to protect and defend,
things come up right, and it usually is not the
idea energy that we want in that situation. So I
think that's also something to keep in mind. Be specific.
You don't have to jot down a running laundry list
(31:08):
of all the things, but if you do have one
or two examples, it might be nice. Like last Friday,
you know, we were in the we were I don't know,
having a family meeting, and you said this, it made
me feel this way or something like that.
Speaker 3 (31:19):
Yes, I think that that's great.
Speaker 2 (31:20):
I I the specificity is so important because the other
thing is that like, if you're not specific, then they
don't know exactly what it was that they did right.
And it may be that this one time they were
running late because there was a traffic accident, all right,
(31:47):
and then the next time they were running late it
truly was because they they mismanaged, truly mismanaged their time,
and that was their back right. But those may warrant
those are two different examples, same outcome, they were late,
(32:07):
but two different examples that may generate different responses from
them based on when they get that feedback of like,
you're always late, And for them, the thing that may
easily come up might be the most recent thing, which
was because they were.
Speaker 3 (32:25):
Running late because there was a traffic accident.
Speaker 2 (32:29):
And now they're like feeling attacked for something that wasn't
their fault, and they get defensive or they snap back
at you, and.
Speaker 3 (32:40):
You don't get the resolution that you're.
Speaker 2 (32:42):
Looking for, right, And so I think it is I
think specificity can truly be important because it helps to
truly understand that it's about the behavior and not the
person themselves. And because I think about like some of
our some of our elders, and also some of our littles,
(33:08):
right like some of our littles may often assume because
they haven't figured out, particularly the littles, they haven't quite
figured out how to separate a behavior from who they
are as a person. And so when you provide that
little the little person with their with that feedback, and
(33:30):
you don't give a clear example, then their assumption is,
mommy thinks I'm an awful person. When no, Mommy was
giving you feedback that your room is constantly in chaos,
(33:51):
and it's not helpful when your room is constantly in
chaos because you are losing things, and then it makes
mind mommy late for work in the morning because she
has to come and help you find the things that
you need to get ready for school in the morning.
But if mommy says you're a slob, your room is
(34:14):
your room is always a mess. The baby's not hearing that.
The baby's hearing. What the baby truly is hearing is
mommy thinks I'm a slob. Mommy thinks I'm an awful
person because I'm a slob.
Speaker 1 (34:27):
And I'm not good enough, and I'm yes.
Speaker 2 (34:30):
And I'm not, and so it starts a whole process,
right yep. When in reality, the feedback that baby girl
needs to receive is when your room is in the
state that it's in, it slows down our morning routine.
Let's work together to figure out how we can get
(34:57):
your room in a better space, more organized space.
Speaker 3 (35:03):
But then that's also feedback.
Speaker 2 (35:05):
For mommy in there may be something else going on
with our little that needs to be, something deeper that
needs to be addressed.
Speaker 3 (35:18):
All right, so that takes us to.
Speaker 2 (35:22):
Our fourth one, right, and I kind of gave it
like in my example of how to talk to our
little like, I kind of demonstrated this, and that's balancing
truth with compassion. That how we deliver the information is
(35:42):
just as important as the information itself. Right, that it's
helpful to use eye statements, so the ones we typically
think of is I felt hurt when this happened, instead
of the you make me feel. Using the eye statements
(36:07):
allows you to take ownership of how you're feeling, and
it allows you to deliver it in a way that
it's still truthful, but balancing it with some compassion for
this and some understanding that that might not have the
(36:29):
action might not reflect that person's intent.
Speaker 1 (36:33):
I think you nail that one, Tom. And also I
think that I don't really know many situations where you
can give someone feedback and just cussing involved and there's
gonna be a positive outcome. I just don't see a
world where that is happening, Like I just no. Yeah,
if you want to maintain the relationship, like whatever relationship
(36:54):
it is, hopefully it's definitely not the kids law. Don't
cuss at the babies. Y'all with the elders, I mean,
I don't know. I just don't see a positive outcome.
So in balancing truth with compassion, I just would say,
we didn't really state that explicitly here, but we should
probably just shy away from using curse words when we're
giving feedback. I just don't think it'll be helpful at
(37:15):
all when it comes to the ideal outcome. So that's
it out add there, Tom. Have you had any conversations
that you can think of or you've had to soften
the feedback out of fear of disrespect?
Speaker 2 (37:27):
You can think, I mean when you say the not
that we can't, not that we don't respect the littles,
but I immediate as soon as you said disrespect, I
thought about elders. And because the elders are usually the
one to say, oh you were disrespected, that's disrespectful. You
disrespected me by saying that. I can think of examples.
(37:51):
I can think of an example where I received the
feedback secondhand, wa, what do you mean that?
Speaker 3 (38:02):
Okay, So.
Speaker 2 (38:04):
I had a conversation with an elder where I provided
them with feedback, right, and.
Speaker 1 (38:12):
I thought.
Speaker 3 (38:14):
Conversation went well, right, Like I thought that I.
Speaker 2 (38:17):
Used most of these tools in navigating this conversation second hand.
Later on, Okay, I received feedback that the conversation that
I had with that elder was perceived by that elder
as disrespectful.
Speaker 1 (38:37):
Got you.
Speaker 3 (38:39):
Because I provided them with feedback.
Speaker 2 (38:43):
My response to that was we should all be open
to receiving feedback. Yes, And if there was something that
I said that was offensive, I'm open to hearing that
it was offensive to what would have been perceived as
receive received as offensive. But if I'm being told that
(39:05):
it's disrespectful because it was truthful.
Speaker 1 (39:09):
And it hurt their feelings and they won't hear.
Speaker 2 (39:11):
It and they weren't ready to receive it, that's a
whole different thing.
Speaker 3 (39:15):
And that's not on me.
Speaker 1 (39:17):
Yes, that is so good. Oh, I love that. Thank
you for sharing that example. Yeah, I'm just processing that. Okay, Yeah,
that was a really good example. All right. Now.
Speaker 2 (39:27):
So and our elders, I mean, and you know, and
like you, like you said earlier, our elders come from
a different generation and some of them struggle with that
because that wasn't something and to be quite honest, some
of us in our generation struggle with that because that
wasn't something that.
Speaker 3 (39:43):
We were taught.
Speaker 2 (39:46):
That it was okay to give and receive. But I
appreciate this new generation in their willingness to give and
receive fee back. But I think that the key is
this conversation, this piece of the conversation I we're having
today about how to deliver it in a way that,
(40:12):
like we said, balance is truth with compassion.
Speaker 1 (40:16):
I love that you pointed that out, Don, because that
hasn't that wasn't the norm for many of our elders
and those that came before us. That feedback loop. Like
young people, a lot of us heard growing up like
you are to be seen and not heard, right, And
so I think a lot of them still subscribe to that.
Many of some of them still subscribe to that belief.
And so it's not to shame them. It's just that
times are changing and it's important for us to have
(40:37):
these conversations. And also, girls, I get older, I'm already
in the auntie realm. I guess. I guess I've been
recruiting to the auntie. Yes, so it's not and some
people might say I'm an elder, you know, Tea, it's debatable, right,
But like when I get to that stage when I
am as I continue to age, I want to be
an elder that is open to feedback as well. I
don't want to just think, oh, because I live this
(40:58):
amount of years, would I say goals like that? I
think that's how we start growing. And so it's so
important for us to all to at least attempt to
be open to feedback, you know, especially when it's like
constructive feedback that can develop us and help us with
our growth. Yeah, ok, let'stop its number five, y'all. Number
five is all for what you need going forward. This
(41:21):
is such a great one. And ideally when you are looking,
like when you are listening to this and looking at
the show notes and you're seeing the tips here, you
can strategize and view them all and kind of create
your plan before you go in. Right, So I think
this kind of ties to the why you have the
why for the conversation, and then you're getting clear on
like what do I even want here? Like end your
feedback ideally with a clear, hopeful request, right? Is it
(41:44):
in an apology? Is it changed behavior? Ideally? Provide an
example and if you don't know, try to sit with
yourself and get clear on Okay, if this were to
happen next time we were to have the same interaction,
how would I want them to show up? Ideally, right,
Because the great thing about when you can provide someone
with that feedback, it gives them something to shoot for,
(42:04):
so they're not just like, Okay, well you told me this,
Like now what? So it might be like, next time,
can we talk before a decision is made? Right? Or
can we both agree to put phones down during family time?
Whatever it might be. So I think it's really important
to get clear on that.
Speaker 2 (42:20):
Yeah, I think I love that idea because sometimes when
we go into the feedback and we don't know what
we want next, we feel stuck when the person asks,
all right, so what do we do now?
Speaker 3 (42:35):
And then it's like, well, what do you.
Speaker 2 (42:39):
What was the point of us having this conversation exactly
outside of you wanted me to have the information, right,
And so going back to what I had mentioned earlier,
sometimes that might be the point, right, is that I
really don't need anything else from you going forward. I
needed you to be a where that what you said
(43:03):
or did had this impact.
Speaker 1 (43:07):
I feel like in that situation, don it would be
like don't do that again. Ideally, like that would be
the you know, that will be the ask. Maybe don't
say it in that way, but like that would be
the ask, right, like tinage your behavior?
Speaker 2 (43:17):
Yeah, yes, yes, And but for some people they're not
they're not there yet to say or to even recognize
I don't want this to happen again. They may still
be in that phase of simply I just needed you
to know, okay.
Speaker 3 (43:35):
And so what that does, though, is leaves room to.
Speaker 2 (43:42):
Say, can we revisit this.
Speaker 3 (43:47):
If something else comes up?
Speaker 2 (43:49):
Right, And that's for either person to say that, and
and so then what that what that does is if.
Speaker 3 (43:58):
Two weeks later, or.
Speaker 2 (44:00):
Hell even two hours later, you're reflecting on the conversation
and you're like, wait, I spend all that time telling
them what I want, that what I was feeling, But really, yeah,
I do need them to not do this again. Hmmm
(44:21):
all right, let me Yeah, I need to revisit this, right. So,
because sometimes we're in a space where we don't know
what we need moving forward. And so while it is
helpful to think about that going into the conversation, I
don't think that it's an absolute requirement to know.
Speaker 3 (44:41):
That going into it, for sure. And also.
Speaker 2 (44:47):
There may be things that you identify in that moment,
but other things come up when you reflect. So let's
say that you you put in your request of you
know you, when you did a B, my feelings were hurt.
Speaker 3 (45:04):
Moving forward? Could you not do a D and C?
And then you have some time.
Speaker 2 (45:10):
To reflect and you're like, hmm, maybe it would be
helpful if we both did DF right, and so then
that's an opportunity to revisit and to say, hey, I've
had some time.
Speaker 3 (45:31):
I was reflecting on our conversation and.
Speaker 2 (45:35):
Based on what we talked about, here's something else that
came up for me that I think might be even
more helpful for deepening our relationship.
Speaker 1 (45:46):
I love that. Awesome. Awesome. Should we do a quick
recap and then do the after show because Lady, in
the after show, we want to cover a few ways
that you can handle when the feedback goes wrong, so
when the person is like not here for it, it's
not a positive experience. We're going to go into the
after show after this to share some tips there. So
you can visit her space podcast dot com, click anywhere
(46:06):
you see Patreon, and you can subscribe to the after
show to also see the video of the episode as well.
Speaker 3 (46:13):
All right, love to do it?
Speaker 1 (46:14):
So yes.
Speaker 2 (46:16):
Our tips for how to give feedback. One, think about
the heart behind.
Speaker 3 (46:26):
The feedback, so what is your why? Number two.
Speaker 2 (46:32):
Be mindful of the timing and how you set the
table for the conversation. Number three, be specific and not
sweeping in the examples that you provide. Number four, balance
the truth with compassion, and number five offer what you
(46:57):
need going forward. All ur lady, we will see you
in the after show.
Speaker 4 (47:05):
It's doctor dom here from the Cultivating her Space podcast.
Are you currently a resident of the state of California
and contemplating starting your therapy journey? Well, if so, please
reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com.
That's d R D O M I N I q
(47:27):
U E B R O U S s ar d
dot com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation.
Speaker 2 (47:37):
I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks for tuning
into Cultivating her Space. Remember that while this podcast is
all about healing, empowerment, and resilience, it's not a substitute
for therapy. If you or someone you know needs support,
check out resources like Therapy for Black Girls for Psychology Today.
(48:00):
If you love today's episode, Do us a favor and
share it with a friend who needs some inspiration, or
leave us a quick five star review. Your support means
the world to us and helps keep this space thriving.
Speaker 1 (48:14):
And before we meet again, repeat after me. I release
the old with gratitude and prepare for the new with intention.
Keep thriving, Lady, and tune in next Friday for more
inspiration from cultivating her Space. In the meantime, be sure
to connect with us on Instagram at her Space Podcast.
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