October 24, 2025 • 46 mins
Hey lady, this week, Dr. Dom and Terri delve into a topic that affects a third of Black women in the United States – divorce. While the process of divorce can often be painful, tedious, and costly it does not always mean that getting divorced is a bad thing. In fact, it can be one of the most liberating, self-actualizing events to occur in a woman’s life.
Terri offers her perspective as a recent divorcee and offers actionable tips to help you think through what life can be like post nuptials. And, Dr. Dom offers her perspective as a licensed clinical psychologist who works closely with women to process their lives pre- and post-divorce so that they can write beautiful new chapters in their full life stories.
Together, they provide a framework where women facing divorce, recovering from divorce, or embarking on new horizons as a whole, single woman can all walk forward with their head’s high and excited about their lives.
Tune in for a grounded conversation about the highs and the lows of divorce and give yourself grace for wherever you are on the path.
Quote of the Day:
“Divorce is not a failure: Redefine failure and success for yourself and what you truly believe about life. Not what society tells us. There are many married people who are quietly miserable; is this success?”
– Carol Madden
Goal Mapping Starter Guide
Cultivating H.E.R. Space Sanctuary
Resources:
Dr. Dom’s Therapy Practice
Branding with Terri
Melanin and Mental Health
Therapy for Black Girls
Psychology Today
Therapy for QPOC
Where to find us:
Twitter: @HERspacepodcast
Instagram: @herspacepodcast
Facebook: @herspacepodcast
Website: cultivatingherspace.com
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/cultivating-h-e-r-space-uplifting-conversations-for-the-black-woman--5470036/support.
Terri offers her perspective as a recent divorcee and offers actionable tips to help you think through what life can be like post nuptials. And, Dr. Dom offers her perspective as a licensed clinical psychologist who works closely with women to process their lives pre- and post-divorce so that they can write beautiful new chapters in their full life stories.
Together, they provide a framework where women facing divorce, recovering from divorce, or embarking on new horizons as a whole, single woman can all walk forward with their head’s high and excited about their lives.
Tune in for a grounded conversation about the highs and the lows of divorce and give yourself grace for wherever you are on the path.
Quote of the Day:
“Divorce is not a failure: Redefine failure and success for yourself and what you truly believe about life. Not what society tells us. There are many married people who are quietly miserable; is this success?”
– Carol Madden
Goal Mapping Starter Guide
Cultivating H.E.R. Space Sanctuary
Resources:
Dr. Dom’s Therapy Practice
Branding with Terri
Melanin and Mental Health
Therapy for Black Girls
Psychology Today
Therapy for QPOC
Where to find us:
Twitter: @HERspacepodcast
Instagram: @herspacepodcast
Facebook: @herspacepodcast
Website: cultivatingherspace.com
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/cultivating-h-e-r-space-uplifting-conversations-for-the-black-woman--5470036/support.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space. You don't
have to go with what anyone else wants you to do.
Like you get to create who do I want to
be in this new phase of life. Just make sure
you're holding space to actually get those downloads and not
filling your life with noise or people or a bunch
of things that you can't really hear whatever messages come
through for you.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
Hey, lady, have you ever felt like the world just
doesn't get you? Well, we do.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
Welcome to Cultivating her Space, the podcast dedicated to uplifting
and empowering women like you.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
We're your hosts, Doctor Dominique Brussard and educator and psychologists.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
And Terry Lomax, a techie and transformational speaker.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
Join us every week for authentic conversations about everything from
fibroids to fake friends as we create space for black
women to just be.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
Before we dive in, make sure you hit that file
up but and leave us a quick five star review. Lady.
We are black founded and black owned, and your support
will help us reach even more women like you.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Now, let's get into this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.
Speaker 3 (01:15):
It's doctor dom here from the Cultivating her space podcast.
Are you currently a resident of the state of California
and contemplating starting your therapy journey? Well, if so, please
reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com.
That's d R D O M I N I q
(01:37):
U E B R O U S s ar D
dot com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. I
look forward to hearing from you.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
Our quote of the day, this is a short but meeting.
Divorce is not a failure. And that quote comes to
us from Carol Madden, and I will say that one
more time to make sure all of our folks heard it.
(02:13):
Divorce is not a failure, all right, Tea? So you
know how we do. I put it out there and
then I toss it to you. But I'm gonna switch
it up for us. Before I toss it to you,
I want to read the larger context of this quote
(02:35):
to further set the stage for this conversation. So Carol
Madden also goes on to say, redefine failure and success
for yourself and what you truly believe about life, not
what society tells us. There are many married people who
(03:00):
are quietly miserable, and is that success. So I'm gonna
say that extended part one more time so that we
can really understand the grounding of this conversation. Redefine failure
and success for yourself and what you truly believe about life,
(03:25):
not what society tells us, because there are many married
people who are quietly miserable and is that success? All right?
See now that I put all that out there, what
comes up for you when you hear that?
Speaker 1 (03:42):
Well one since hit the nail on head with the
full quote, I think that is so spot on, and
I think that it really is. It's subjective because for
some people, divorce can be one of the most devastating
experiences of their lives. For other people, it can be
the most liberating experience where they embark on a new
journey and we discover who they are. And so I
(04:04):
think it really just depends on the person. So I
love that the quote. It emphasizes the focus on your
personal definition and you redefining what failure and success look
like for you. Because if you are in a marriage
that is where you're quietly miserable, y'all both probably cheating
on each other or there's all hell breaking loose, whatever's
going on. Right. Is that really worth just saying, oh,
(04:26):
we've been married for twenty some years, but you're not happy, right,
And so just because someone is alone and divorced doesn't
necessarily mean that they're unhappy. So I think it's all
about what our individual definitions mean. What about you dom
what comes up for you? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (04:41):
I think it speaks to like this larger piece of
what life, how are you defining your own life? And
a recognition that your journey is meant to be your
journey and we don't know what is truly going on
(05:06):
in other people's households. There are people that I've seen
who are loudly miserable, okay, because the quotes it quietly miserable.
I see people who are loudly openly miserable. But what
they're posting on social media for the rest of the world, girl,
(05:30):
what post would not would not lead you to believe
that it would lead you to believe that they are
the poster children for hashtag relationship goals. And if their
hashtag relationship goals, I want no part of it. That's
(05:51):
not what I want, no part of it.
Speaker 1 (05:53):
Yeah, Okay, well, lady, let's dive into the conversation. So
let's talk about it, divorce and separation, right, either one.
Whether you've experienced divorce or separation, I think it all.
I mean, there are some people who've experienced a separation
after a long extended period, right or even a short period.
(06:14):
But it can still feel like the rug has been
pulled from under you, especially when you saw yourself being
with this person, you saw them as you're forever person,
or you just built something with another individual that you
thought was going to be in your life longer. Right,
And one moment you're in a rhythm and you thought
it would last forever, and the next you're standing in
the unknown, leaving what was lost, but also facing the
possibility of rediscovery. Right. So today, lady, we are diving
(06:38):
into what it really means to find yourself and reclaim
your independence after divorce or separation, because, lady, this is
not just about surviving, it's about thriving in a whole
new chapter. And divorce doesn't necessarily have to be failure
or the end of your journey of joy and happiness.
Speaker 2 (06:57):
And let's be real this. On one hand, this process
can be extremely messy, emotional, and for some people truly scary,
But we also want to acknowledge that for other people,
divorce and separation can be liberating, healing, and deeply transformative. So, lady,
(07:25):
whether you are freshly separated, deep in the healing process,
years removed from divorce, or you are looking for ways
to support a friend who is going through separation or divorce,
this conversation is for you.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
So let's dive in with some juicy kickoff questions. Showy, Okay,
go for it. Okay. So the first question here is
well just for context as well, if you're a new listener.
So I'm Terry speaking, and I I have experienced separation
but also divorced and then down, do you want to
give like a little background on your relational.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
So I yeah, So I am a therapist to have
supported multiple women going through separation and or in some
cases divorce. Personally, I have never been married, but I
have had long term relationships that ended.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
So now for this juicy question, what's the first thing
you did or would do for yourself after a breakup
or separation?
Speaker 2 (08:34):
Okay, So for me, I'm reflecting on relationships that ended,
and one of the things for me was changing my hair.
Oh that's a good one, Like I needed, I needed
(08:56):
a different look to symbolize for me personally, a different
phase in life, a different stage, a different eraror in life. Yes,
so that was that was one thing that I did.
Something that I recommend is identifying what you need to
(09:21):
do whatever that thing is like. So like for me,
it was changing my hair, but thinking about what it
is that you need to do for yourself. So something
that truly is self focused.
Speaker 1 (09:38):
What about you saying down? Those are such great wholesome answers.
I'm so glad that we can balance each other out
because I, on the other hand, I'm gonna end with
something the wholesome. But I was out on the streets.
I was outside, Okay, I was outside and the sword,
I was everywhere. I was just out everywhere and it
had a lot of fun, and we talked about the
(10:00):
whole phase and one of our previous episodes are probably
in a couple episodes, And for me, I would say,
even though people shame they try to you know, some
people try to shame women about their whole phase and
being explorative sexually. It was a very insightful time for me,
and so I'm very appreciative that I gave myself that
space to explore that I'm not in that space now,
and I'm also not shunning that phase to that space
(10:22):
because I needed it to get to where I am
now and into a space that feels more like me
and that's more grounded for me. But I also was
in therapy, which was really helpful, and so I was
able to do some healing work in the midst of
having my fun and being out and exploring. And so yeah,
that's what that's what I didn't that's what I did well.
Speaker 2 (10:42):
And you know, I think what I appreciate about that
is it's it's about recognizing what you need. Right, not
to get all up in your business, But you were
in a long term relationship. Your marriage lasted for years,
(11:03):
and so and your marriage lasted through a transformative part
of your life, like in your like you were in
that relationship for the majority of your twenties, right, Yeah,
and so in your situation, I think about it, like
(11:24):
specifically in your situation, but and I think also about
women that I've worked with who for some of them,
they married their first love. So they got married seventeen eighteen,
twenty years old and spent the majority of their adulthood
(11:46):
with one person, right, and so their level of sexual experience,
their level of dating and engaging was with one mostly
with one person, and so then the idea of what
they need for themselves is like coming out of it
(12:07):
to experience what it's like to be out in the streets,
to be outside for real. For some women that is necessary.
And I'm with you one, like, we're not gonna shun that.
We're not gonna not at all. Like to me, it
goes back to being able to identify what it is
(12:33):
that you need for yourself and also acknowledging that what
you need for yourself will evolve as you were going
through your healing.
Speaker 1 (12:45):
Come on, doctor, don that was good. That is so true.
And I don't think I realized that until after the relationship,
like I'm twenty one years old, until like thirty two,
thirty three, Like that's a long time to be in
a relationship, right, And so I think you the nail
on the head there. Honestly, we I think we should
just dive into these surprises. What do you think? Yes, yes, okay, lady.
(13:06):
So what we want to do now is we before
we get into the meat of the conversation, we just
want to cover some surprises you may experience after divorce,
and we're going to say divorce or separation because we've
realized that sometimes you can be in a relationship with
so on long term and it can feel like it
could feel like they are marriage. The only difference is
y'all don't have the paperwork. Okay, you didn't have kids
living together all that. So the first one here is
(13:29):
friend and family fallout. This is a very interesting one, right,
So some friends and family members may choose sides, and
the family dynamics can often get awkward, distant, or even strained.
It's so interesting to me, Like, I get why this
would happen. I get it because I've had friends that
have been separated, and usually I'm friends with the woman
(13:51):
and so well I've had both. But in the one
particular experience I'm speaking of, I was friends with a
woman and so we maintained our friendship and I'm like, Okay,
well I don't have any bad blod o ex but
that's my girl, so we just yeah, we're walking. And
so in my situation, dim I feel like there were
people who don't even know me, but who like learned
of the situation and like felt a certain way towards me.
(14:11):
I'm like, y'all you even know the story, you don't
even know what happened? Like what what? But I guess
people feel that they need to choose an allegiance to someone,
So just beware. This may happen from people you don't
even expect it from.
Speaker 2 (14:24):
Yes, it can happen, It can happen. And my deep
sigh is about everybody's feelings are valid, yes, and the
acknowledgement that sometimes when we care about our friends and family,
we get overinvolved in their relationships and that is not
(14:45):
fair to them. And it takes a certain level of
emotional maturity and awareness to not be in a space
of particularly if there isn't anything outright disrespectful or egregious
(15:06):
that happen. Because I do want to give space for
when they're situations of infidelity and abuse that people have
strong feelings about that rightfully so, and so those situations,
particularly abuse, those situations are.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
Different, Yes, thank you.
Speaker 2 (15:27):
But I also like to say that opinions are like assholes.
We all have one. It doesn't mean we need to
put it out there. We don't need to know everybody
that needs to see it.
Speaker 1 (15:39):
Please don't, please.
Speaker 2 (15:41):
Don't and so sometimes we are well meaning, but we
cause more damage when we offer unsolicited opinions. When a
couple is going through a breakup, let them figure it
(16:02):
out and tell us how they would like the rest
of the family to navigate. So then that leads to
number two. Right, So, because sometimes you might have that
when you have that friend and family fall out, what
that also means is that your friends and family who
have been a big part of your support system, there's
gonna be a shift. Right. So it may be that
(16:26):
you had a great relationship with your mother in law
when you were married, but in most cases her allegiance
is going to be to her child, so that dynamic
may get awkward. It may also mean that, particularly because
(16:47):
I've seen it happen in some situations where where a
couple one person and the couple their entire support system
was their partner supple spport system.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
Oh yeah, it's a good.
Speaker 2 (17:02):
One, especially if they move to the city where their
partner is from, and so now they have to work
on rebuilding or creating an entire new village and community
outside of that previous support system.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
Girl, that's a good one. I think you touched all
the points there that is a really really good one.
And the thing is all I want to add to
that is that even though even if you find yourself
in that position, just know that it can get better.
You will be able to rebuild if if you're the
person experiencing that where you're like, well, I don't know
where my people are going to come from, It's possible.
It may take time and intentionality, but you got this, okay.
(17:47):
Number three is one thing you might not expect to
change are the logistics of daily life, So figuring out
who handles bills or repairs or household to dos or
childcare Okay, having to learn new skills your X men
have always taken care of. That's that's definitely a good one.
I'm thinking about, like taking out the trash and stuff
like that. Like you know, there are lots of other
(18:08):
things logistically to just keep in mind that. Okay, this
may change. I think as we read over this list,
if you're in a space of considering divorce or separation,
it might be good for you to just kind of
make a mental note on things that could potentially shift
in life so you can prepare as much as possible
for you, know, that phase of the journey.
Speaker 2 (18:29):
Yes, And so then that takes us to the next one,
the what we call the intimacy gap.
Speaker 1 (18:36):
Right goodness, yes, and when.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
We say intimacy we are not only referring to sexual intimacy,
but we're talking about affection and companionship that even if
you had a strained relationship with your partner in some instances,
there may have been things you all still may have
(18:59):
been had sex, and they still may have been your
best friend, the person that you're sharing everything with, even
if the relationship is ending, and so now and you
are still were spending a lot of time together, and
(19:19):
so now you're experiencing maybe loneliness, right, And it might
not feel like it in the moment, but it's an
opportunity to explore new ways of connecting with others, but
(19:43):
perhaps more importantly, an opportunity to get to know yourself
in this new phase of life.
Speaker 1 (19:51):
Oh girl, this is good. When a couple things came
up from me when you share this, I'm thinking about
when you get sick or you don't feel well, maybe
your partner was there, like make you some soup or
cater to you. So that's definitely under the intimacy gap.
I'm thinking about debriefing work days or just life things
like let me with my mom and a dad or
you know, my cousin or whatever. It might be, that
(20:11):
kind of thing. Advice. Maybe you are negotiating a salary
at a new job and you're like, oh, my partner
was always the person I would go to. Or even
just physical touch in general. I know you mentioned like
you mentioned affection and sex, but I was like a
massage or just like, oh, I want to lay on
you on the couch and watch this show companionship like
you mentioned, so things like that just to just to consider,
you know, all right, shall we go to number five? Yes,
(20:36):
this is a good one too. Identity whiplash, so going
from we to me and conversations, invitations and even how
you introduce yourself, the sting of being labeled divorced versus
simply single. I definitely experienced this one. I was like,
oh my gosh, being my wife that was well. First
of all, you know how when you first get in
a relationship and you get used to saying my boyfriend.
(20:57):
I remember when that When I first got to that stage,
we're like, oh my gosh, do I feel like I'm
doing too much fun? Like my boyfriend, because it's just
it feels different, right yeah. And then it's my fiance.
It's like, okay, now I'm getting used to this. I'm
wearing the ring, and then his husband and that just
becomes or whatever the title might be for you, lady.
But those were my experiences and it's like, Okay, this
is now part of my identity, right, like you kind
of get used to that. For me, it was almost
(21:19):
a decade. And then after it's like, damn, how are
people gonna look at me? I'm going to an event,
I'm going somewhere and people are talking about their families,
and it's like, oh damn. Now I'm just like, oh damn,
she's divorced. Like I just kind of there's a negative
connotation with that. So that was something that I kind
of grapple with. Now I'm fine, but in the beginning
it was just kind of like damn. And then also
understanding like who am I as an individual outside of
(21:42):
my titles and roles, outside of being a mom, outside
of being a wife, outside of being a worker or
whatever you might do. So, yeah, that's this is the truth.
Speaker 2 (21:52):
Yes, And I think also part of that. So yet
that identity whiplash is going to be natural. But I
think then that but that also encourages and emphasizes the
importance of having your own identity while you are in
a relationship, right, like having things for yourself. And we
(22:15):
have a couple of episodes that talk about that, of
like how to maintain a certain level of independence when
you are within a relationship, because that is necessary for
healthy dynamics. And so then that takes us to number six.
Some of the surprising freedom and for some people maybe
(22:38):
feared that might come along with separation and divorce. So
all of a sudden, you get to do whatever you
want and you're not having to consider anyone else in
these decisions. Right, you can travel, redecorate, rest, date, do
(23:01):
all these things, even your like it can be even
as little as what we're having for dinner. Right you
can listen. Recently, I was rewatching Scandal, and there were
multiple times where I was sitting there with my big
glass of wine and my popcorn enjoying that, and that
(23:23):
was my dinner as I'm watching an episode of Scandal
right now. That's a level of freedom for someone who's single.
But also that's an example of something that you may
experience as someone who is recently divorced or separated, because
now you don't have to think about what's the family
(23:46):
going to have for dinner? What does my partner want
to have for dinner? That's not a consideration anymore. And
for some people that might feel incredibly liberating to be
able to not have to consider anybody else and do
exactly what you want when you want it. But for
other people that may feel incredibly overwhelming.
Speaker 1 (24:12):
Girl, that is spot on, And what I would add
to that is I found that even as an introvert,
because I hadn't really lived by myself for so long
and I had more time to myself. I was like, Okay,
I liked having time to ourselves, but now I'm at
uncomfortable what do I do with it? And I was
filling it with things I probably could have done without.
(24:33):
But it was a learning experience. So I love that
you pointed this one out. And also, Lady, I look
at that episode that Don was referencing, So it's season
twenty five, episode thirteen, how to balance independence and intimacy
in a relationship, And that is a must, because, like
you said, Dom, it's so important to be a whole
person and have your own identity even in a relationship,
(24:54):
even as a mother, right even as a parental figure.
So now this takes us to the number seven, which
is financial wake up calls. So adjusting, yeah, for real,
adjusting to a one income household with new expenses, or
rethinking long term plans like retirement and savings. I'm even
(25:18):
thinking about like depending on your situation, like beneficiary and
all that stuff, your will and testament, all of that,
So just rethinking those things. And I just want to say,
we're not sharing this to be It's not supposed to
come off as negative. It's just these are things to
think about that I think many people don't think about.
I don't think I thought about a lot of these things.
And so the great thing is because we're talking about it, ideally,
(25:39):
if you are in this situation or maybe there soon,
you can prepare and plan accordingly, right and like build
a new support system so that these transitions can be
a lot more smoother for you.
Speaker 2 (25:51):
Yes, And I think it's important to point out too that,
particularly with the financial wake up calls, that you want
to be aware of the laws in your state. So
because some states it may be that your when you
even though you're divorced, if you were married at a
(26:15):
certain time period when you were working towards or putting
towards retirement, that spouse may be entitled to that fifty
of that portion of your retirement. Yes, and so that's
why I say you want to be or it may
be that you have to when you all are going
(26:37):
through the divorce, you have to split. If you are
already retired, you may have to split your retirement account,
share your retirement account with your your former spouse. And
so you want to be aware of what the laws
are in your state regarding your finances. So, because it
(26:59):
goes deeper than that, it could be that you all
have to share, but you have to split up bank accounts,
and so there's there's a lot that goes into the
financial piece when you're going through the divorce process. That's
why I've heard, you know, people say marriage is a business,
and so there all of that, right, like and so
and so you need to you need to be aware
(27:23):
that those are things that could potentially come up in
addition to the adjustment of my financial my my monthly budget,
it's going to look different now that I am no
longer partner. So then that that takes us to the
final surprise that you might experience or that we that
(27:46):
we've outlined for you, because there probably are others. It's
an opportunity to rediscover yourself, right and so, and you
might not that's something that people may mentioned, but it's
an opportunity to identify new hobbies, passions, or dreams that
(28:12):
you put aside willingly or or not for the relationship,
right and so. And part of it also is this
question of who am I now on my own terms
and thinking about I'm particularly also thinking about those who
(28:39):
either married young or were in relationships that lasted a
decade plus, because that's a huge phase of your life.
Or you are married in a phase where you're like
you're you got married in one stage of life and
(29:01):
by the time you divorce you're in a different stage.
So maybe you got married when you were still of
child bearing age and now that you're divorced, you done
went through menopause and maybe there are some grandchildren, and
(29:22):
so thinking about who you were when when you first
got married or when you first met your partner to
who you are now all these years later, and the
opportunity that arises to rediscover yourself and honestly, for some
(29:45):
people you may feel stuck that just that question of
who am I now may really feel overwhelming and paralyzing.
Speaker 1 (29:55):
That is so true, Tom, That's what were the great points.
And Lady, now that we share some of this prizes,
we're going to dive into six steps to rediscover yourself
after divorce. So the first step here is to acknowledge
the grief. For many people, divorce is a loss, and
it's important to normalize the grief cycle and so grieving
the relationship and what it could have been, right, grieving
(30:17):
the other relationships that you might lose because of the separation.
Speaker 3 (30:21):
Right.
Speaker 1 (30:22):
I think it's important to acknowledge that, and if you're
able to, I really do believe that having some type
of therapeutic support or some type of counseling is just
going to be super important because it can be a
life I mean, it is like a life altering situation
right where everything is kind of in many cases, everything
(30:42):
can be up in the air. Like you said, your identity.
That's a huge part of who we are and how
we show up, and so getting support with that I
think is super helpful. And also looking at different therapeutic
modality so that you can just get that healing from
the inside out and ideally not end up in a
similar situation, because obviously, if there was a divorce, there
probably was something that didn't work out. And I think
(31:04):
that when you get that healing work done, depending on
the situation, right, I'm gonna be mindful of the sensitivity
that dimensioned earlier around certain scenarios. But I'm thinking about
if you know situations where it just wasn't to get
fit anymore, right, or you grew apart or something like that,
it'd be helpful to get some healing and understand how
you can what an idea of relationship looks like and
what you can attract in the future.
Speaker 2 (31:24):
If that makes sense, yes, yes, and really truly giving
yourself that space to grieve, even if you don't necessarily
feel even if you're not feeling like it's a loss,
it's a shift and a change, and they're even in
(31:49):
the worst of the worst, there may be some aspects
of that relationship that you enjoyed that were good for you.
And giving yourself the space to grieve that you don't
have that anymore, and that's okay to acknowledge that, Yeah,
(32:16):
that was a relationship that I shouldn't have been in,
that I didn't need to be, and I'm so glad
grateful that I'm out, and I still feel the loss
of certain pieces of that relationship, like feeling that without judgment.
And so then that takes us to number two, redefining
(32:40):
your identity beyond the relationship. Right, So earlier we talked
about the surprise of like having to think about other
people identifying you outside of your relationship. But for you,
this is an opportunity for you to think about who
you are as an individual outside of that that we right,
(33:08):
So taking time to journal, to revisit old passions and
hobbies like we talked about before, but really giving yourself
that space to think about who you are as that individual. Now,
(33:30):
I will say, like we mentioned earlier, the importance of
having your own independent space and self outside of your relationship.
And so if you do have that going while you're
in a relationship, it makes it easier to navigate this
piece when you are no longer in a relationship. It
(33:53):
means that maybe you have now you have more time
for those other things that you have to be way
more intentional about doing.
Speaker 1 (34:04):
That's good, Tom, I want to add to this one
like meditation that was something that was really helpful for me.
And also creating space in your life to get the
messages about who you are, and realizing that you get
to create this, like you don't have to go with
what anyone else wants you to do, Like you get
to create who do I want to be in this
new phase of life. Just make sure you're holding space
to actually get those downloads and not filling your life
(34:25):
with noise or people or a bunch of things that
you can't really hear whatever messages come through for you.
So now we're going to move on to number three.
Number three is build financial and practical independence. So get
real about budgets, face to numbers, even though it might
be daunting. So budgets, housing, and accounts, and then celebrate
small wins like paying a bill solo, setting up a
(34:47):
new space, buying a new car, or making a financial
decision on your own. I definitely had a lot of
those celebrations over the course of my journey, like, oh,
I'm a big girl, I did this by myself. Okay,
because it's a shift, and so you should be se
breaking those small winds and knowing that even though it
may be a challenging time or just a shift in life,
like you got this, you can do this, and so
(35:08):
many other people have experienced this and they were able
to thrive afterwards. A lot of times it's about timing.
And the more I found that the more time that
goes by, the more comfortable you are, and the more
things start to really show themselves for you as far
as your next path and where you're going.
Speaker 2 (35:25):
Yes, I think that that's so important. And within that
of building that financial independence and making those decisions and
celebrating and I love that celebrating the things that you
are able to do. I also want to acknowledge that
it may take time because divorce ain't cheap, and especially
(35:48):
if you are dividing assets and there are children involved,
divorce is not cheap and for some people, recovering from
the cost of going through a divorce takes time, and
(36:11):
so I share that also for friends who are trying
to support So recognizing that your homegirl who used to
take all the trips, all the girls' trips, might not
have the same financial situation that she had before, and
so she might not be able to go to brunch
every Saturday. She might not be able to take trips
(36:35):
out the country once a month like y'all were doing before, right,
And so if you're supporting that person, give them that
space to recognize that divorce is expensive. So then that
takes us to number four. Prioritize your emotional and spiritual rediscovery. So,
(37:00):
as Terry mentioned before, therapy can truly be beneficial, but
I also know that therapy is not for everybody. The point, though,
is addressing your healing is important. So whether that's through therapy,
whether that's through your spiritual or religious advisor, through meditation,
(37:28):
through wellness retreats, discovering new hobbies. The point of this
of prioritizing and addressing your healing and your emotional and
spiritual wellbeing is so that you pour into yourself and
redefine your self worth and identify what are grounding practices
(37:55):
for you.
Speaker 1 (37:56):
I love that one so much, Tom, I'm just thinking
about that. I just feel like during my process, when
I finally got to a place where I was ready
to face myself, I was able to go internal and
give myself a lot of the validation that I was
looking for externally. So I think that the healing part
is so important because if we don't heal, we're going
to continue to have the same habits and patterns that
(38:18):
we've had before. Right, So that takes us the number five,
which is reclaim joy in everyday life. I love this
one because it's so fun. So for this we recommend
experimenting with new activities or activities that you may have
put down in the past, travel or experiences that you
couldn't do before, go do them. I've taken on so
(38:40):
many new experiences that I used to do when I
was single or at least in the beginning of my career,
but having more time now, I'm thinking like toast masters
and prov I went to the studio and recorded some
music networking events as well, so you can build that
network of people who can possibly be in your support system,
but also people who can be in your career field.
(39:01):
I guess you could say, right, your career network, so
you can network for new job opportunities or just for
career enhancement in general. So reclaiming joy whatever that looks
like for you, just exploring and be open to new experiences.
You never know who you're going to meet and who
you might connect with that may be beneficial on your
path or someone that you may be able to invest
in the future as well.
Speaker 2 (39:22):
Yes, And I think you know one way to figure
that out is to ask yourself that question, like, what's
one thing that you've always wanted to do that your
ex wasn't into. Do that thing, whatever it is, do
that thing. So then that takes us to number six,
(39:43):
which is create a healthy relationship with the future. And
so what that looks like is exploring love again, co
parenting with grace, and choosing to be single for a season.
Speaker 3 (40:03):
Now.
Speaker 2 (40:04):
I am a big proponent of choosing singleness. And when
I say choosing singleness, that doesn't mean that you're not dating.
That doesn't mean that maybe you don't That doesn't mean
that you're not having your whole phase. It's you are
not entering into another committed relationship because I think that
(40:28):
you need that time to heal, and part of that
healing is all these things that we mentioned, right, But
what I also know is that to jump right into
another committed relationship means that chances are that relationship might
(40:50):
not work out, and at least in the beginning. If
it does happen to work out in the beginning, there
is going to be a lot of comparison between your
ex and your presence, and that's not that's not healthy.
(41:14):
It's normal, but it's not healthy, and so it's not
healthy for you in terms of being able to move
forward with this new person. It's not healthy for that
overall relationship. However, it is important for you to understand
(41:36):
the differences between your present and your ex. Being in
a committed relationship right away, though, is not not healthy.
It doesn't help you truly understand who you are and
what you need. Again, I want to emphasize I'm not
(41:59):
saying not to date. I think it is important to
date to explore your options, but I would not recommend
jumping into a committed relationship immediately after a divorce or separation.
Speaker 1 (42:21):
That's great, Dom, I love that you stated that, and
I'm thinking about how that looks in action, like how
do you think like someone listening? How do you date?
But also make sure you're not in amman relationship right,
So it might look like dating multiple people, but having
the priority or the focal relationship being the relationship with yourself. Yes,
(42:41):
and you cannot be in relationship with yourself if you're
not spending time with yourself, right And so ideally you
have boundaries around whatever dates you might be on, whoever
you might be dating, you have boundaries around that time.
So you've prioritized whether it's taking yourself out on real
dates or just cooking dinner for yourself at home and
being with you, being with your thought, because you can't
get to know yourself and understand who you are if
(43:03):
you're not spending time with yourself. It's like treat yourself
like you are literally another person you're in a relationship with,
Right if that person never reaches out and texts you
or they don't see you often, then this is not
a good relationship. So being a relationship with yourself is
so important and letting that be the focal relationship in
your life. And then also remembering that independence does not
(43:24):
equal isolation, right, realizing that it's about freedom and choice,
and it really gives you the space to explore again
who you are and who you want to be. And
I just want to emphasize that if you are in
this phase or this season, I know that it can
be very challenging, it can be very hard to see
the light at the end of the tunnel, but I
just want to reemphasize as we stayed it throughout the episode.
(43:46):
There are so many people in the world who've gone
through this and who are thriving and who started to
thrive after.
Speaker 2 (43:52):
Where you are.
Speaker 1 (43:52):
Right now is not It doesn't define where you're going
to be right so keep pushing. You got this and
we hope this up episode was helpful.
Speaker 2 (44:02):
All right, And so let's do a quick recap of
the steps to rediscovering yourself after divorce. So number one,
acknowledge the grief. Number two, redefine your identity beyond the relationship.
Number three build financial and practical independence. Number four prioritize
(44:30):
emotional and spiritual rediscovery. Number five reclaim joy in everyday life.
And number six create a healthy relationship with the future.
Speaker 1 (44:44):
All right, lady, we're gonna go to record the after
show and share a little bit more about this episode
and some behind the scenes content. So visit herspace podcast
dot com, click anywhere you see Patreon and join us
support this black owned business. Here As to ladies, you
can and watch the actual episode on video and catch
the behind the scenes, so we hope to see you there.
(45:06):
If you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure of your next steps.
This is for you. Hey, Lady, is Tea here and
I just want to invite you to my free goal
map like a pro coaching workshop, where I'll share the
five proven steps to get unstuck and achieve your goals.
Whether you're feeling overwhelmed by all your ideas, juggling scattered ideas,
(45:27):
or maybe you just need confidence to start, this workshop
will give you the clarity, tools and the motivation to
take back control. Reserve your spot for free by visiting
her spacepodcast dot com and clicking on the goal map
like a pro webinar link. Lady, don't miss this chance
to build a roadmap that fits your life and set
you up for success. I hope to see you there.
Speaker 2 (45:51):
Thanks for tuning into cultivating her Space. Remember that while
this podcast is all about healing, empowerment, and resilience, it's
not a substitute for therapy. If you or someone you
know need support, check out resources like Therapy for Black
Girls or Psychology Today. If you love today's episode, do
(46:13):
us a favor and share it with a friend who
needs some inspiration, or leave us a quick five star review.
Your support means the world to us and helps keep
this space thriving and.
Speaker 1 (46:25):
Before we meet again, repeat after me. I release the
old with gratitude and prepare for the new with intention.
Keep Thriving, Lady, and tune in next Friday for more
inspiration from cultivating her Space. In the meantime, be sure
to connect with us on Instagram at her Space Podcast
On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space. You don't
have to go with what anyone else wants you to do.
Like you get to create who do I want to
be in this new phase of life. Just make sure
you're holding space to actually get those downloads and not
filling your life with noise or people or a bunch
of things that you can't really hear whatever messages come
through for you.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
Hey, lady, have you ever felt like the world just
doesn't get you? Well, we do.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
Welcome to Cultivating her Space, the podcast dedicated to uplifting
and empowering women like you.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
We're your hosts, Doctor Dominique Brussard and educator and psychologists.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
And Terry Lomax, a techie and transformational speaker.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
Join us every week for authentic conversations about everything from
fibroids to fake friends as we create space for black
women to just be.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
Before we dive in, make sure you hit that file
up but and leave us a quick five star review. Lady.
We are black founded and black owned, and your support
will help us reach even more women like you.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Now, let's get into this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.
Speaker 3 (01:15):
It's doctor dom here from the Cultivating her space podcast.
Are you currently a resident of the state of California
and contemplating starting your therapy journey? Well, if so, please
reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com.
That's d R D O M I N I q
(01:37):
U E B R O U S s ar D
dot com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. I
look forward to hearing from you.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
Our quote of the day, this is a short but meeting.
Divorce is not a failure. And that quote comes to
us from Carol Madden, and I will say that one
more time to make sure all of our folks heard it.
(02:13):
Divorce is not a failure, all right, Tea? So you
know how we do. I put it out there and
then I toss it to you. But I'm gonna switch
it up for us. Before I toss it to you,
I want to read the larger context of this quote
(02:35):
to further set the stage for this conversation. So Carol
Madden also goes on to say, redefine failure and success
for yourself and what you truly believe about life, not
what society tells us. There are many married people who
(03:00):
are quietly miserable, and is that success. So I'm gonna
say that extended part one more time so that we
can really understand the grounding of this conversation. Redefine failure
and success for yourself and what you truly believe about life,
(03:25):
not what society tells us, because there are many married
people who are quietly miserable and is that success? All right?
See now that I put all that out there, what
comes up for you when you hear that?
Speaker 1 (03:42):
Well one since hit the nail on head with the
full quote, I think that is so spot on, and
I think that it really is. It's subjective because for
some people, divorce can be one of the most devastating
experiences of their lives. For other people, it can be
the most liberating experience where they embark on a new
journey and we discover who they are. And so I
(04:04):
think it really just depends on the person. So I
love that the quote. It emphasizes the focus on your
personal definition and you redefining what failure and success look
like for you. Because if you are in a marriage
that is where you're quietly miserable, y'all both probably cheating
on each other or there's all hell breaking loose, whatever's
going on. Right. Is that really worth just saying, oh,
(04:26):
we've been married for twenty some years, but you're not happy, right,
And so just because someone is alone and divorced doesn't
necessarily mean that they're unhappy. So I think it's all
about what our individual definitions mean. What about you dom
what comes up for you? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (04:41):
I think it speaks to like this larger piece of
what life, how are you defining your own life? And
a recognition that your journey is meant to be your
journey and we don't know what is truly going on
(05:06):
in other people's households. There are people that I've seen
who are loudly miserable, okay, because the quotes it quietly miserable.
I see people who are loudly openly miserable. But what
they're posting on social media for the rest of the world, girl,
(05:30):
what post would not would not lead you to believe
that it would lead you to believe that they are
the poster children for hashtag relationship goals. And if their
hashtag relationship goals, I want no part of it. That's
(05:51):
not what I want, no part of it.
Speaker 1 (05:53):
Yeah, Okay, well, lady, let's dive into the conversation. So
let's talk about it, divorce and separation, right, either one.
Whether you've experienced divorce or separation, I think it all.
I mean, there are some people who've experienced a separation
after a long extended period, right or even a short period.
(06:14):
But it can still feel like the rug has been
pulled from under you, especially when you saw yourself being
with this person, you saw them as you're forever person,
or you just built something with another individual that you
thought was going to be in your life longer. Right,
And one moment you're in a rhythm and you thought
it would last forever, and the next you're standing in
the unknown, leaving what was lost, but also facing the
possibility of rediscovery. Right. So today, lady, we are diving
(06:38):
into what it really means to find yourself and reclaim
your independence after divorce or separation, because, lady, this is
not just about surviving, it's about thriving in a whole
new chapter. And divorce doesn't necessarily have to be failure
or the end of your journey of joy and happiness.
Speaker 2 (06:57):
And let's be real this. On one hand, this process
can be extremely messy, emotional, and for some people truly scary,
But we also want to acknowledge that for other people,
divorce and separation can be liberating, healing, and deeply transformative. So, lady,
(07:25):
whether you are freshly separated, deep in the healing process,
years removed from divorce, or you are looking for ways
to support a friend who is going through separation or divorce,
this conversation is for you.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
So let's dive in with some juicy kickoff questions. Showy, Okay,
go for it. Okay. So the first question here is
well just for context as well, if you're a new listener.
So I'm Terry speaking, and I I have experienced separation
but also divorced and then down, do you want to
give like a little background on your relational.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
So I yeah, So I am a therapist to have
supported multiple women going through separation and or in some
cases divorce. Personally, I have never been married, but I
have had long term relationships that ended.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
So now for this juicy question, what's the first thing
you did or would do for yourself after a breakup
or separation?
Speaker 2 (08:34):
Okay, So for me, I'm reflecting on relationships that ended,
and one of the things for me was changing my hair.
Oh that's a good one, Like I needed, I needed
(08:56):
a different look to symbolize for me personally, a different
phase in life, a different stage, a different eraror in life. Yes,
so that was that was one thing that I did.
Something that I recommend is identifying what you need to
(09:21):
do whatever that thing is like. So like for me,
it was changing my hair, but thinking about what it
is that you need to do for yourself. So something
that truly is self focused.
Speaker 1 (09:38):
What about you saying down? Those are such great wholesome answers.
I'm so glad that we can balance each other out
because I, on the other hand, I'm gonna end with
something the wholesome. But I was out on the streets.
I was outside, Okay, I was outside and the sword,
I was everywhere. I was just out everywhere and it
had a lot of fun, and we talked about the
(10:00):
whole phase and one of our previous episodes are probably
in a couple episodes, And for me, I would say,
even though people shame they try to you know, some
people try to shame women about their whole phase and
being explorative sexually. It was a very insightful time for me,
and so I'm very appreciative that I gave myself that
space to explore that I'm not in that space now,
and I'm also not shunning that phase to that space
(10:22):
because I needed it to get to where I am
now and into a space that feels more like me
and that's more grounded for me. But I also was
in therapy, which was really helpful, and so I was
able to do some healing work in the midst of
having my fun and being out and exploring. And so yeah,
that's what that's what I didn't that's what I did well.
Speaker 2 (10:42):
And you know, I think what I appreciate about that
is it's it's about recognizing what you need. Right, not
to get all up in your business, But you were
in a long term relationship. Your marriage lasted for years,
(11:03):
and so and your marriage lasted through a transformative part
of your life, like in your like you were in
that relationship for the majority of your twenties, right, Yeah,
and so in your situation, I think about it, like
(11:24):
specifically in your situation, but and I think also about
women that I've worked with who for some of them,
they married their first love. So they got married seventeen eighteen,
twenty years old and spent the majority of their adulthood
(11:46):
with one person, right, and so their level of sexual experience,
their level of dating and engaging was with one mostly
with one person, and so then the idea of what
they need for themselves is like coming out of it
(12:07):
to experience what it's like to be out in the streets,
to be outside for real. For some women that is necessary.
And I'm with you one, like, we're not gonna shun that.
We're not gonna not at all. Like to me, it
goes back to being able to identify what it is
(12:33):
that you need for yourself and also acknowledging that what
you need for yourself will evolve as you were going
through your healing.
Speaker 1 (12:45):
Come on, doctor, don that was good. That is so true.
And I don't think I realized that until after the relationship,
like I'm twenty one years old, until like thirty two,
thirty three, Like that's a long time to be in
a relationship, right, And so I think you the nail
on the head there. Honestly, we I think we should
just dive into these surprises. What do you think? Yes, yes, okay, lady.
(13:06):
So what we want to do now is we before
we get into the meat of the conversation, we just
want to cover some surprises you may experience after divorce,
and we're going to say divorce or separation because we've
realized that sometimes you can be in a relationship with
so on long term and it can feel like it
could feel like they are marriage. The only difference is
y'all don't have the paperwork. Okay, you didn't have kids
living together all that. So the first one here is
(13:29):
friend and family fallout. This is a very interesting one, right,
So some friends and family members may choose sides, and
the family dynamics can often get awkward, distant, or even strained.
It's so interesting to me, Like, I get why this
would happen. I get it because I've had friends that
have been separated, and usually I'm friends with the woman
(13:51):
and so well I've had both. But in the one
particular experience I'm speaking of, I was friends with a
woman and so we maintained our friendship and I'm like, Okay,
well I don't have any bad blod o ex but
that's my girl, so we just yeah, we're walking. And
so in my situation, dim I feel like there were
people who don't even know me, but who like learned
of the situation and like felt a certain way towards me.
(14:11):
I'm like, y'all you even know the story, you don't
even know what happened? Like what what? But I guess
people feel that they need to choose an allegiance to someone,
So just beware. This may happen from people you don't
even expect it from.
Speaker 2 (14:24):
Yes, it can happen, It can happen. And my deep
sigh is about everybody's feelings are valid, yes, and the
acknowledgement that sometimes when we care about our friends and family,
we get overinvolved in their relationships and that is not
(14:45):
fair to them. And it takes a certain level of
emotional maturity and awareness to not be in a space
of particularly if there isn't anything outright disrespectful or egregious
(15:06):
that happen. Because I do want to give space for
when they're situations of infidelity and abuse that people have
strong feelings about that rightfully so, and so those situations,
particularly abuse, those situations are.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
Different, Yes, thank you.
Speaker 2 (15:27):
But I also like to say that opinions are like assholes.
We all have one. It doesn't mean we need to
put it out there. We don't need to know everybody
that needs to see it.
Speaker 1 (15:39):
Please don't, please.
Speaker 2 (15:41):
Don't and so sometimes we are well meaning, but we
cause more damage when we offer unsolicited opinions. When a
couple is going through a breakup, let them figure it
(16:02):
out and tell us how they would like the rest
of the family to navigate. So then that leads to
number two. Right, So, because sometimes you might have that
when you have that friend and family fall out, what
that also means is that your friends and family who
have been a big part of your support system, there's
gonna be a shift. Right. So it may be that
(16:26):
you had a great relationship with your mother in law
when you were married, but in most cases her allegiance
is going to be to her child, so that dynamic
may get awkward. It may also mean that, particularly because
(16:47):
I've seen it happen in some situations where where a
couple one person and the couple their entire support system
was their partner supple spport system.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
Oh yeah, it's a good.
Speaker 2 (17:02):
One, especially if they move to the city where their
partner is from, and so now they have to work
on rebuilding or creating an entire new village and community
outside of that previous support system.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
Girl, that's a good one. I think you touched all
the points there that is a really really good one.
And the thing is all I want to add to
that is that even though even if you find yourself
in that position, just know that it can get better.
You will be able to rebuild if if you're the
person experiencing that where you're like, well, I don't know
where my people are going to come from, It's possible.
It may take time and intentionality, but you got this, okay.
(17:47):
Number three is one thing you might not expect to
change are the logistics of daily life, So figuring out
who handles bills or repairs or household to dos or
childcare Okay, having to learn new skills your X men
have always taken care of. That's that's definitely a good one.
I'm thinking about, like taking out the trash and stuff
like that. Like you know, there are lots of other
(18:08):
things logistically to just keep in mind that. Okay, this
may change. I think as we read over this list,
if you're in a space of considering divorce or separation,
it might be good for you to just kind of
make a mental note on things that could potentially shift
in life so you can prepare as much as possible
for you, know, that phase of the journey.
Speaker 2 (18:29):
Yes, And so then that takes us to the next one,
the what we call the intimacy gap.
Speaker 1 (18:36):
Right goodness, yes, and when.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
We say intimacy we are not only referring to sexual intimacy,
but we're talking about affection and companionship that even if
you had a strained relationship with your partner in some instances,
there may have been things you all still may have
(18:59):
been had sex, and they still may have been your
best friend, the person that you're sharing everything with, even
if the relationship is ending, and so now and you
are still were spending a lot of time together, and
(19:19):
so now you're experiencing maybe loneliness, right, And it might
not feel like it in the moment, but it's an
opportunity to explore new ways of connecting with others, but
(19:43):
perhaps more importantly, an opportunity to get to know yourself
in this new phase of life.
Speaker 1 (19:51):
Oh girl, this is good. When a couple things came
up from me when you share this, I'm thinking about
when you get sick or you don't feel well, maybe
your partner was there, like make you some soup or
cater to you. So that's definitely under the intimacy gap.
I'm thinking about debriefing work days or just life things
like let me with my mom and a dad or
you know, my cousin or whatever. It might be, that
(20:11):
kind of thing. Advice. Maybe you are negotiating a salary
at a new job and you're like, oh, my partner
was always the person I would go to. Or even
just physical touch in general. I know you mentioned like
you mentioned affection and sex, but I was like a
massage or just like, oh, I want to lay on
you on the couch and watch this show companionship like
you mentioned, so things like that just to just to consider,
you know, all right, shall we go to number five? Yes,
(20:36):
this is a good one too. Identity whiplash, so going
from we to me and conversations, invitations and even how
you introduce yourself, the sting of being labeled divorced versus
simply single. I definitely experienced this one. I was like,
oh my gosh, being my wife that was well. First
of all, you know how when you first get in
a relationship and you get used to saying my boyfriend.
(20:57):
I remember when that When I first got to that stage,
we're like, oh my gosh, do I feel like I'm
doing too much fun? Like my boyfriend, because it's just
it feels different, right yeah. And then it's my fiance.
It's like, okay, now I'm getting used to this. I'm
wearing the ring, and then his husband and that just
becomes or whatever the title might be for you, lady.
But those were my experiences and it's like, Okay, this
is now part of my identity, right, like you kind
of get used to that. For me, it was almost
(21:19):
a decade. And then after it's like, damn, how are
people gonna look at me? I'm going to an event,
I'm going somewhere and people are talking about their families,
and it's like, oh damn. Now I'm just like, oh damn,
she's divorced. Like I just kind of there's a negative
connotation with that. So that was something that I kind
of grapple with. Now I'm fine, but in the beginning
it was just kind of like damn. And then also
understanding like who am I as an individual outside of
(21:42):
my titles and roles, outside of being a mom, outside
of being a wife, outside of being a worker or
whatever you might do. So, yeah, that's this is the truth.
Speaker 2 (21:52):
Yes, And I think also part of that. So yet
that identity whiplash is going to be natural. But I
think then that but that also encourages and emphasizes the
importance of having your own identity while you are in
a relationship, right, like having things for yourself. And we
(22:15):
have a couple of episodes that talk about that, of
like how to maintain a certain level of independence when
you are within a relationship, because that is necessary for
healthy dynamics. And so then that takes us to number six.
Some of the surprising freedom and for some people maybe
(22:38):
feared that might come along with separation and divorce. So
all of a sudden, you get to do whatever you
want and you're not having to consider anyone else in
these decisions. Right, you can travel, redecorate, rest, date, do
(23:01):
all these things, even your like it can be even
as little as what we're having for dinner. Right you
can listen. Recently, I was rewatching Scandal, and there were
multiple times where I was sitting there with my big
glass of wine and my popcorn enjoying that, and that
(23:23):
was my dinner as I'm watching an episode of Scandal
right now. That's a level of freedom for someone who's single.
But also that's an example of something that you may
experience as someone who is recently divorced or separated, because
now you don't have to think about what's the family
(23:46):
going to have for dinner? What does my partner want
to have for dinner? That's not a consideration anymore. And
for some people that might feel incredibly liberating to be
able to not have to consider anybody else and do
exactly what you want when you want it. But for
other people that may feel incredibly overwhelming.
Speaker 1 (24:12):
Girl, that is spot on, And what I would add
to that is I found that even as an introvert,
because I hadn't really lived by myself for so long
and I had more time to myself. I was like, Okay,
I liked having time to ourselves, but now I'm at
uncomfortable what do I do with it? And I was
filling it with things I probably could have done without.
(24:33):
But it was a learning experience. So I love that
you pointed this one out. And also, Lady, I look
at that episode that Don was referencing, So it's season
twenty five, episode thirteen, how to balance independence and intimacy
in a relationship, And that is a must, because, like
you said, Dom, it's so important to be a whole
person and have your own identity even in a relationship,
(24:54):
even as a mother, right even as a parental figure.
So now this takes us to the number seven, which
is financial wake up calls. So adjusting, yeah, for real,
adjusting to a one income household with new expenses, or
rethinking long term plans like retirement and savings. I'm even
(25:18):
thinking about like depending on your situation, like beneficiary and
all that stuff, your will and testament, all of that,
So just rethinking those things. And I just want to say,
we're not sharing this to be It's not supposed to
come off as negative. It's just these are things to
think about that I think many people don't think about.
I don't think I thought about a lot of these things.
And so the great thing is because we're talking about it, ideally,
(25:39):
if you are in this situation or maybe there soon,
you can prepare and plan accordingly, right and like build
a new support system so that these transitions can be
a lot more smoother for you.
Speaker 2 (25:51):
Yes, And I think it's important to point out too that,
particularly with the financial wake up calls, that you want
to be aware of the laws in your state. So
because some states it may be that your when you
even though you're divorced, if you were married at a
(26:15):
certain time period when you were working towards or putting
towards retirement, that spouse may be entitled to that fifty
of that portion of your retirement. Yes, and so that's
why I say you want to be or it may
be that you have to when you all are going
(26:37):
through the divorce, you have to split. If you are
already retired, you may have to split your retirement account,
share your retirement account with your your former spouse. And
so you want to be aware of what the laws
are in your state regarding your finances. So, because it
(26:59):
goes deeper than that, it could be that you all
have to share, but you have to split up bank accounts,
and so there's there's a lot that goes into the
financial piece when you're going through the divorce process. That's
why I've heard, you know, people say marriage is a business,
and so there all of that, right, like and so
and so you need to you need to be aware
(27:23):
that those are things that could potentially come up in
addition to the adjustment of my financial my my monthly budget,
it's going to look different now that I am no
longer partner. So then that that takes us to the
final surprise that you might experience or that we that
(27:46):
we've outlined for you, because there probably are others. It's
an opportunity to rediscover yourself, right and so, and you
might not that's something that people may mentioned, but it's
an opportunity to identify new hobbies, passions, or dreams that
(28:12):
you put aside willingly or or not for the relationship,
right and so. And part of it also is this
question of who am I now on my own terms
and thinking about I'm particularly also thinking about those who
(28:39):
either married young or were in relationships that lasted a
decade plus, because that's a huge phase of your life.
Or you are married in a phase where you're like
you're you got married in one stage of life and
(29:01):
by the time you divorce you're in a different stage.
So maybe you got married when you were still of
child bearing age and now that you're divorced, you done
went through menopause and maybe there are some grandchildren, and
(29:22):
so thinking about who you were when when you first
got married or when you first met your partner to
who you are now all these years later, and the
opportunity that arises to rediscover yourself and honestly, for some
(29:45):
people you may feel stuck that just that question of
who am I now may really feel overwhelming and paralyzing.
Speaker 1 (29:55):
That is so true, Tom, That's what were the great points.
And Lady, now that we share some of this prizes,
we're going to dive into six steps to rediscover yourself
after divorce. So the first step here is to acknowledge
the grief. For many people, divorce is a loss, and
it's important to normalize the grief cycle and so grieving
the relationship and what it could have been, right, grieving
(30:17):
the other relationships that you might lose because of the separation.
Speaker 3 (30:21):
Right.
Speaker 1 (30:22):
I think it's important to acknowledge that, and if you're
able to, I really do believe that having some type
of therapeutic support or some type of counseling is just
going to be super important because it can be a
life I mean, it is like a life altering situation
right where everything is kind of in many cases, everything
(30:42):
can be up in the air. Like you said, your identity.
That's a huge part of who we are and how
we show up, and so getting support with that I
think is super helpful. And also looking at different therapeutic
modality so that you can just get that healing from
the inside out and ideally not end up in a
similar situation, because obviously, if there was a divorce, there
probably was something that didn't work out. And I think
(31:04):
that when you get that healing work done, depending on
the situation, right, I'm gonna be mindful of the sensitivity
that dimensioned earlier around certain scenarios. But I'm thinking about
if you know situations where it just wasn't to get
fit anymore, right, or you grew apart or something like that,
it'd be helpful to get some healing and understand how
you can what an idea of relationship looks like and
what you can attract in the future.
Speaker 2 (31:24):
If that makes sense, yes, yes, and really truly giving
yourself that space to grieve, even if you don't necessarily
feel even if you're not feeling like it's a loss,
it's a shift and a change, and they're even in
(31:49):
the worst of the worst, there may be some aspects
of that relationship that you enjoyed that were good for you.
And giving yourself the space to grieve that you don't
have that anymore, and that's okay to acknowledge that, Yeah,
(32:16):
that was a relationship that I shouldn't have been in,
that I didn't need to be, and I'm so glad
grateful that I'm out, and I still feel the loss
of certain pieces of that relationship, like feeling that without judgment.
And so then that takes us to number two, redefining
(32:40):
your identity beyond the relationship. Right, So earlier we talked
about the surprise of like having to think about other
people identifying you outside of your relationship. But for you,
this is an opportunity for you to think about who
you are as an individual outside of that that we right,
(33:08):
So taking time to journal, to revisit old passions and
hobbies like we talked about before, but really giving yourself
that space to think about who you are as that individual. Now,
(33:30):
I will say, like we mentioned earlier, the importance of
having your own independent space and self outside of your relationship.
And so if you do have that going while you're
in a relationship, it makes it easier to navigate this
piece when you are no longer in a relationship. It
(33:53):
means that maybe you have now you have more time
for those other things that you have to be way
more intentional about doing.
Speaker 1 (34:04):
That's good, Tom, I want to add to this one
like meditation that was something that was really helpful for me.
And also creating space in your life to get the
messages about who you are, and realizing that you get
to create this, like you don't have to go with
what anyone else wants you to do, Like you get
to create who do I want to be in this
new phase of life. Just make sure you're holding space
to actually get those downloads and not filling your life
(34:25):
with noise or people or a bunch of things that
you can't really hear whatever messages come through for you.
So now we're going to move on to number three.
Number three is build financial and practical independence. So get
real about budgets, face to numbers, even though it might
be daunting. So budgets, housing, and accounts, and then celebrate
small wins like paying a bill solo, setting up a
(34:47):
new space, buying a new car, or making a financial
decision on your own. I definitely had a lot of
those celebrations over the course of my journey, like, oh,
I'm a big girl, I did this by myself. Okay,
because it's a shift, and so you should be se
breaking those small winds and knowing that even though it
may be a challenging time or just a shift in life,
like you got this, you can do this, and so
(35:08):
many other people have experienced this and they were able
to thrive afterwards. A lot of times it's about timing.
And the more I found that the more time that
goes by, the more comfortable you are, and the more
things start to really show themselves for you as far
as your next path and where you're going.
Speaker 2 (35:25):
Yes, I think that that's so important. And within that
of building that financial independence and making those decisions and
celebrating and I love that celebrating the things that you
are able to do. I also want to acknowledge that
it may take time because divorce ain't cheap, and especially
(35:48):
if you are dividing assets and there are children involved,
divorce is not cheap and for some people, recovering from
the cost of going through a divorce takes time, and
(36:11):
so I share that also for friends who are trying
to support So recognizing that your homegirl who used to
take all the trips, all the girls' trips, might not
have the same financial situation that she had before, and
so she might not be able to go to brunch
every Saturday. She might not be able to take trips
(36:35):
out the country once a month like y'all were doing before, right,
And so if you're supporting that person, give them that
space to recognize that divorce is expensive. So then that
takes us to number four. Prioritize your emotional and spiritual rediscovery. So,
(37:00):
as Terry mentioned before, therapy can truly be beneficial, but
I also know that therapy is not for everybody. The point, though,
is addressing your healing is important. So whether that's through therapy,
whether that's through your spiritual or religious advisor, through meditation,
(37:28):
through wellness retreats, discovering new hobbies. The point of this
of prioritizing and addressing your healing and your emotional and
spiritual wellbeing is so that you pour into yourself and
redefine your self worth and identify what are grounding practices
(37:55):
for you.
Speaker 1 (37:56):
I love that one so much, Tom, I'm just thinking
about that. I just feel like during my process, when
I finally got to a place where I was ready
to face myself, I was able to go internal and
give myself a lot of the validation that I was
looking for externally. So I think that the healing part
is so important because if we don't heal, we're going
to continue to have the same habits and patterns that
(38:18):
we've had before. Right, So that takes us the number five,
which is reclaim joy in everyday life. I love this
one because it's so fun. So for this we recommend
experimenting with new activities or activities that you may have
put down in the past, travel or experiences that you
couldn't do before, go do them. I've taken on so
(38:40):
many new experiences that I used to do when I
was single or at least in the beginning of my career,
but having more time now, I'm thinking like toast masters
and prov I went to the studio and recorded some
music networking events as well, so you can build that
network of people who can possibly be in your support system,
but also people who can be in your career field.
(39:01):
I guess you could say, right, your career network, so
you can network for new job opportunities or just for
career enhancement in general. So reclaiming joy whatever that looks
like for you, just exploring and be open to new experiences.
You never know who you're going to meet and who
you might connect with that may be beneficial on your
path or someone that you may be able to invest
in the future as well.
Speaker 2 (39:22):
Yes, And I think you know one way to figure
that out is to ask yourself that question, like, what's
one thing that you've always wanted to do that your
ex wasn't into. Do that thing, whatever it is, do
that thing. So then that takes us to number six,
(39:43):
which is create a healthy relationship with the future. And
so what that looks like is exploring love again, co
parenting with grace, and choosing to be single for a season.
Speaker 3 (40:03):
Now.
Speaker 2 (40:04):
I am a big proponent of choosing singleness. And when
I say choosing singleness, that doesn't mean that you're not dating.
That doesn't mean that maybe you don't That doesn't mean
that you're not having your whole phase. It's you are
not entering into another committed relationship because I think that
(40:28):
you need that time to heal, and part of that
healing is all these things that we mentioned, right, But
what I also know is that to jump right into
another committed relationship means that chances are that relationship might
(40:50):
not work out, and at least in the beginning. If
it does happen to work out in the beginning, there
is going to be a lot of comparison between your
ex and your presence, and that's not that's not healthy.
(41:14):
It's normal, but it's not healthy, and so it's not
healthy for you in terms of being able to move
forward with this new person. It's not healthy for that
overall relationship. However, it is important for you to understand
(41:36):
the differences between your present and your ex. Being in
a committed relationship right away, though, is not not healthy.
It doesn't help you truly understand who you are and
what you need. Again, I want to emphasize I'm not
(41:59):
saying not to date. I think it is important to
date to explore your options, but I would not recommend
jumping into a committed relationship immediately after a divorce or separation.
Speaker 1 (42:21):
That's great, Dom, I love that you stated that, and
I'm thinking about how that looks in action, like how
do you think like someone listening? How do you date?
But also make sure you're not in amman relationship right,
So it might look like dating multiple people, but having
the priority or the focal relationship being the relationship with yourself. Yes,
(42:41):
and you cannot be in relationship with yourself if you're
not spending time with yourself, right And so ideally you
have boundaries around whatever dates you might be on, whoever
you might be dating, you have boundaries around that time.
So you've prioritized whether it's taking yourself out on real
dates or just cooking dinner for yourself at home and
being with you, being with your thought, because you can't
get to know yourself and understand who you are if
(43:03):
you're not spending time with yourself. It's like treat yourself
like you are literally another person you're in a relationship with,
Right if that person never reaches out and texts you
or they don't see you often, then this is not
a good relationship. So being a relationship with yourself is
so important and letting that be the focal relationship in
your life. And then also remembering that independence does not
(43:24):
equal isolation, right, realizing that it's about freedom and choice,
and it really gives you the space to explore again
who you are and who you want to be. And
I just want to emphasize that if you are in
this phase or this season, I know that it can
be very challenging, it can be very hard to see
the light at the end of the tunnel, but I
just want to reemphasize as we stayed it throughout the episode.
(43:46):
There are so many people in the world who've gone
through this and who are thriving and who started to
thrive after.
Speaker 2 (43:52):
Where you are.
Speaker 1 (43:52):
Right now is not It doesn't define where you're going
to be right so keep pushing. You got this and
we hope this up episode was helpful.
Speaker 2 (44:02):
All right, And so let's do a quick recap of
the steps to rediscovering yourself after divorce. So number one,
acknowledge the grief. Number two, redefine your identity beyond the relationship.
Number three build financial and practical independence. Number four prioritize
(44:30):
emotional and spiritual rediscovery. Number five reclaim joy in everyday life.
And number six create a healthy relationship with the future.
Speaker 1 (44:44):
All right, lady, we're gonna go to record the after
show and share a little bit more about this episode
and some behind the scenes content. So visit herspace podcast
dot com, click anywhere you see Patreon and join us
support this black owned business. Here As to ladies, you
can and watch the actual episode on video and catch
the behind the scenes, so we hope to see you there.
(45:06):
If you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure of your next steps.
This is for you. Hey, Lady, is Tea here and
I just want to invite you to my free goal
map like a pro coaching workshop, where I'll share the
five proven steps to get unstuck and achieve your goals.
Whether you're feeling overwhelmed by all your ideas, juggling scattered ideas,
(45:27):
or maybe you just need confidence to start, this workshop
will give you the clarity, tools and the motivation to
take back control. Reserve your spot for free by visiting
her spacepodcast dot com and clicking on the goal map
like a pro webinar link. Lady, don't miss this chance
to build a roadmap that fits your life and set
you up for success. I hope to see you there.
Speaker 2 (45:51):
Thanks for tuning into cultivating her Space. Remember that while
this podcast is all about healing, empowerment, and resilience, it's
not a substitute for therapy. If you or someone you
know need support, check out resources like Therapy for Black
Girls or Psychology Today. If you love today's episode, do
(46:13):
us a favor and share it with a friend who
needs some inspiration, or leave us a quick five star review.
Your support means the world to us and helps keep
this space thriving and.
Speaker 1 (46:25):
Before we meet again, repeat after me. I release the
old with gratitude and prepare for the new with intention.
Keep Thriving, Lady, and tune in next Friday for more
inspiration from cultivating her Space. In the meantime, be sure
to connect with us on Instagram at her Space Podcast
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