In this episode of Joyously Free!, host Joanie Lindenmeyer interviews Justin Horton, who courageously shares his journey through depression, poverty, and multiple suicide attempts, including a life-changing incident that led to months of recovery and reconstructive surgery. Justin explains how he found hope and purpose by helping others, engaging in adventurous activities, and connecting with supportive communities. He emphasizes the importance of sobriety, positivity, and surrounding oneself with uplifting people. Justin’s story highlights the healing power of love, personal growth, and community, as he now dedicates his life to spreading kindness and supporting others. He encourages listeners to seek connection and maintain hope, even in the darkest times.
Host: Joanie Lindenmeyer; Producer: Joanie Lindenmeyer
Music is from freepd.com, in the public domain.
The opinions expressed here are those of the individual participants. Curry Coast Community Radio takes no position on issues discussed in this program.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:11):
Hi, and welcome KCIW
listeners of one hundred point seven at kciw.org
here in beautiful Brookings, Oregon. And, yes, hello
to the syndicated listeners at KZZH
ninety six point seven FM, access Humboldt, Eureka,
California.
This is me, Joni Lindenmeyer, with the show
Joyously Free. It is named after my second
(00:34):
book that I coauthored with Elizabeth Atkins of
2sisterswriting.com.
I'm so glad you're tuning in today. Well,
I've been a resident of Cal Of Oregon
here for thirty four years. I'm a retired
Del Norte High School teacher, and, of course,
you know me as an author. Three books
in two years, including my audiobook of my
own memoir called None Better.
(00:54):
I love life and I love being the
producer of this particular show. It's all about
joyously free, and I'm so glad you are
here. Let's begin with our normal
I even shouldn't say normal. Let's begin with
our regular
brand new day salutation.
I say it's a brand new day, and
(01:14):
you respond with
never been lived before.
Here we go. Let's give it a shot.
It's a brand new day. Never been lived
before. Oh, and isn't that the truth? Oh,
Justin. Just Justin is so hot. Oh my
god. Okay. Gonna get back to this. The
radio Gatio show that we're involved with, as
Will and Viv named it the Gatio show,
is a show that talks about LGBTQ
(01:36):
plus stories and tips along with church,
religion,
faith,
spirituality,
and joy.
Simply said, the purpose of this show is
to share, radiate, and spread
abundant joy and freedom,
hence the title.
Yes. In this broadcast, as in my life,
there's no hate speech,
there's no hate behavior, and no bullying.
(01:59):
It will be blasted with the three c's,
courage, confidence, and collaboration.
And wait till you hear about the courage
of our speaker today. So together, let's seek
understanding,
think out of the box or no boxes,
be open minded as a parachute.
As with every show, I love to start
with a prayer because that's how I start
my every single day. So let's open our
(02:21):
hearts,
asking our creator to shine light on our
community
and our world.
I excitedly believe in hope, in the power
of the divine,
and that Jesus,
God, whatever name you put on a higher
being, is always with me and always with
you.
So we don't need to be afraid or
troubled,
(02:41):
saddened or depressed.
Joy and peace are an internal expression of
love and harmony that is already within us,
and all we have to do is reach
deep and let it out.
Let's consider ourselves
a way to center ourselves.
Let's take a big deep breath in
with the good
(03:01):
and out with doubt.
Again, calmly
breathe in through your nose
with hope
and out from your mouth with fears.
Last one, take a really, really, really big
deep breath in with joy
and out with any worry or despair.
(03:25):
In the name of Mother Earth, God our
Creator,
Jesus our Redeemer, and the blowing winds of
the Holy Spirit, we say good morning. Thank
you for another beautiful day.
My scripture today is from Romans.
Paul wrote to Romans and said,
If God is for us, who can be
(03:45):
against us?
For I am convinced that neither death nor
life,
nor angels nor principalities,
nor present things
nor future things,
nor powers, nor height, nor depth,
nor any other creature
will be able to separate us from the
(04:05):
love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
That's Romans eight thirty one to 39.
When I read that in my scripture book
this morning,
here's some of my golden nuggets.
First off was the question, if God is
for us, who can be against us?
What hit me on that one is no
one is against us.
(04:27):
In the bottom of everybody's heart, I believe
that we all want the best for everybody.
Whatever that may mean. We want the best
for everybody.
And then when it talked about
there's no way that anything can be separated
us from the love of God through Jesus
Christ,
You know, if we really think about it,
(04:47):
what's the most important thing in life?
Yes, jobs are important,
money's important,
having a house, having food, those are all
crucial, crucial essential needs and important,
but it's the love.
It's the love that we can share because
God is love. And when we can share
that love that God has given us,
(05:09):
then all is well. That's really what we
have to to to live for.
I remember when Carol had her stroke, and
then on her last days of death eight
years later,
it was all about her saying to me
over and over, hundreds of times in a
day, I love you, Joni. I love you.
I love you. And just think, everybody, maybe
(05:31):
today's the day where we say that
more deeply,
more meaningfully,
and maybe even more often to the people
in our lives. I love you.
Anyways, those are my reflections.
And so with that, I ask, dear Lord,
that you lift up our friends and our
family,
that you, creator, guide us and heal us.
(05:51):
We thank you for being with us today.
We thank you for helping us to do
your will and to spread that love. So
here we are, a happy day together on
KCIW
and KZZH.
Well, related to that love, I have a
guest today
that I have definitely
fallen in love with, a new friend, but
(06:13):
just I don't know. There's something that has
connected the two of us from the time
that we first talked,
and I wanna introduce you to Justin Horton.
He's a friend of mine via my friend
John.
Our topic today is
life is full of ups and downs.
Hang in there.
And Justin
(06:33):
is a survivor of suicide.
He is my friend. We're gonna talk a
lot about some really, really cool stuff today.
Justin,
thank you for being gutsy,
coming to a studio today,
radiating that smile and sparkly eyes across the
table.
I I wanna say thank you for being
alive. Thank you for being in my life,
(06:54):
and and I love you. I'm so glad
you're here. Thanks, Joni. I love you too.
Oh, thank you, Joe. Pleasure being here. Oh,
good. Good. Good. Good. And what does this
experience feel like already today?
Yeah. It's it's overwhelming a little bit, but
Mhmm. Yeah. It's good. And are you how
are you? Nervous? Excited? Tell me. A little
nervous. It's new.
(07:15):
I like to do new things, though. I
like to get out of my comfort zone
if I can.
You're definitely out of it today? Yeah. 100%.
100%. Yes. For sure. For sure. And I
know we're gonna talk about your life.
And you're you're good with that? We Yeah.
Absolutely. Yeah. Open book. You're open book. Okay.
Okay. And I know that from a book
standpoint. I'm gonna tell you. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Yes. Well, being an open book, why don't
(07:37):
you start off by telling us a little
bit about yourself?
Yeah. I'm just
could I guess, would be called a traveler.
I'm,
have a nomadic
mindset and heart, and
I just travel the world,
our little world, I guess, here, and, try
to spread that love, you know, with people
(07:58):
Mhmm. With everybody I meet. Mhmm. Try to
leave a
standing
with everybody that I'm a, you know, a
good person, and I try to,
you know, to share the share the love
in the world. Right. He needs a lot
of love. Yeah. Right on. Right on. How
old are you? Where were you born? How
long have you been on the coast? There's
(08:18):
three questions for you.
I'm 40. I turned 40 this year.
Congratulations. I'm from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma originally.
Spent a lot of my life there.
I came here I came to Oregon maybe
ten years ago,
and I just really haven't found a reason
to leave. Uh-huh. It's amazing here. Uh-huh. I
(08:38):
connected with John, our mutual friend,
and the church here, Saint Timothy's.
Uh-huh. Father Bernie is an amazing person.
And, yeah, just everybody at the church and
all the people that I've met since I've
been introduced to the place.
Just been amazing life.
Right on. Right on. And and,
(09:00):
family, friends, relationships,
anything like that right now or in your
past? Yeah. You know, just
just yeah. Just me just hanging out, doing
stuff.
I
do a lot of, like, mission work, like,
outreach stuff and just try to stay busy
helping people. Mhmm. Anytime I
(09:20):
feel a calling to help somebody, I try
to go out of my way to accommodate.
You know?
I think I got a lot of that
from the church here, Saint Timothy's. Mhmm. Did
a lot of,
breakfast and cooking and stuff for the homeless
Mhmm. And the needy. And it taught me
a lot about
life and how it can be very draining
on a lot of people. And
(09:41):
a lot of sad people out there that
need a little bit of uplift sometimes. Mhmm.
It's it's good to be
available and in the presence of that, you
know, and try to be a good force
to those people.
Right. Right. And your smile and your eye
contact does that automatically. Yeah. And I try.
Yeah. Yes. Spreading that smile. Yeah. Well, our
topic today is life is full of ups
(10:01):
and downs. Hang in there. Yeah. How about
talking to us about some of your life's
ups and downs?
Yeah. Well, I come from
pretty deep poverty in Oklahoma.
Born and raised in the projects.
And
kind of had
major depression my whole life.
(10:22):
Tried to kill myself multiple times, and
it just took a really long time to
kinda wake up, you know? And the last
time was a major wake up call. I
spent three months in ICU,
and
I've had many reconstruction surgeries on my face.
And, yeah, it's just been
(10:42):
real struggle sometimes. But at the end of
the day, you know, there's definitely
a positive outcome from it all. You know,
I learned that there's a reason for me
to be here.
And I think a lot of that has
been helping other people, you know,
that's where I get a lot of my
callings.
Mhmm. I just, you know, seen a lot
(11:03):
of
deep places in the world, and
it's sad.
Mhmm. But it's good to try to be
a light in a lot of these people's
lives.
Right. And you can do that now. But
what you when you were going through your
dark times, your deeper times Right. When were
your first suicidal thoughts entered into your your
psyche?
I mean, the first time
(11:25):
I can really remember is probably, like, '15,
16.
Just have kind of always
thought that I wasn't going to live very
long. And just kind of always
lived in a sad, oppressive state.
And, you know, tried to kill myself
at least three times
and ended up in the hospital all three
(11:46):
times. And the last time I shot myself
You did? Yeah, in the face. And,
I spent three months in ICU and
thank goodness here at Saint Timothy's and the
Oregon Health Care System
helped me. Cherry
is a big advocate for me. And,
yeah, they got me to see the right
(12:07):
people. I was my face is leaking. I
was just I was basically dying of septis.
And they guided me into OHSU,
Whole team of doctors, you know, brought me
back. And Mhmm.
They actually took my fibula from my right
leg Wow. Took it completely out and reconstructed
my jaw with it.
(12:27):
Wow. Yeah. It's pretty amazing.
Wow. Yeah. Wow. And that's the physical part.
How about some of the
emotional, psychological parts that were going through you
at the same time? Yeah. You know, it
it's just
we get
consumed, I think, with
some of the bad things that maybe not
even be that bad in our lives.
(12:50):
And
our our minds are
yeah. They're they're easily
manipulated,
and they're easily,
they're hard to understand, you know, even
it's our own mind, you know, but it's
so complex. It's hard to really grasp it.
I spent a lot of time,
(13:11):
reading books on psychology after
my incident, and I tried to really try
to understand
why
my mind was like that, why I was
thinking like this, why Right. I went to
such extremes, you know? Right. And really, it's
I haven't found an answer to that. Oh,
no. But
it's just, I think, part of our upbringing,
(13:33):
part of our perspective on life. Mhmm. You
know, I think we need to have,
like, a connection with the higher power. Mhmm.
Something to
push us to be better, you know? Mhmm.
And
I found a lot of different avenues for
that. You know, Buddhism helped me a lot.
I spent a lot of time in monasteries
(13:53):
in my healing,
and just dedicating my time to trying to
give back to the world.
Right. And it's just slowly guided me here,
you know, to where we are in Brookings.
And, yeah, I love this place. It's a
very small,
very small community,
and it's very easy to have the connections
with a lot of it feels like a
(14:14):
lot of people in town.
Right. So I think I got a lot
from that coming here. Right. I come from
a very big
city, and it's hard. Everybody kinda just disappears
into the chaos
of the world. Mhmm. So I like I
like to be here and meet people that
I'm I know I'm the see almost every
day. Mhmm. It helps me to be a
(14:34):
better person too.
Right on. Right on. You had said so
many things in there that my mind is
just thinking of and asking questions.
First off,
you you mentioned you were 15 or 16
when you first had these suicidal
suicidal thoughts.
Did you go to anybody for help at
all during that time? You know, I didn't.
(14:55):
Well, I ended up in,
like,
a psychiatric facility the first time when I
was an adult.
And I spent three days there, but there
wasn't How did you end up there? Because
I
it was a part of the program from
the hospital because I was admitted for trying
to kill myself. So I was on a
seventy two hour
(15:16):
mental evaluation from a facility. Okay. And
they didn't really
try to help me. Yeah. They weren't really
trying
to figure out what was wrong with me.
You know? It was more of, like, just
push people out, in and out of the
system. Okay. And I think And that probably
didn't feel good? No. Yeah. I think it
just Exasperated everything? Exactly. And,
(15:40):
yeah, eventually,
yeah, I just I learned to try to
find my own,
you know, avenues
of which is where I end up in
some of the Buddhist places and a lot
of churches. I've been to probably every kind
of church you can think of, every, you
know, degree. And And isn't that interesting? When
life falls apart, when it hits ground or
(16:01):
beneath the ground, you're in a pit, you
know, where do you go? You know the
system may not work for you. Right. And
so you turn to a church or churches
to try to find the answer. Yep. Absolutely.
And I feel like I found it every
time, you know, in different ways. Mhmm. Through
different people, angelic people. Mhmm.
And I think yeah. I'm very thankful for
(16:23):
them to be there, all of them. Yeah.
All the angels and Samaritans along your path
that have brought you to this point. Yeah.
Okay. Keep going. I'm sorry I interrupted you.
No. It's fine.
Yeah. It's just I like
yeah. I just like to stay busy. Mhmm.
Mhmm. Well and you're so courageous
to be able to talk about this because
a lot of us don't understand suicide or
(16:45):
we don't wanna admit Right. That we've maybe
had the thoughts or have known people that
have actually committed suicide. Right. You know? Have
you known people that have committed suicide?
I have. Quite a few of my friends,
actually, growing up.
And, yeah, you're right. Nobody ever really talks
about it. And it's kind of just something
I think
we all sit with inside of us, you
(17:07):
know, through goods and bad times.
Not everybody probably has thoughts like that, but
I would say a lot of people do.
Right. You know? And,
yeah, it's hard it's hard to ignore it
sometimes because our brain's
so powerful over us. And,
yeah, I think that that's where just
staying busy and positive things, you know, really,
(17:27):
really helps to deflect
that. Right. And you hit the nail on
the head. If our brains can go to
the negative negative world, the down world Right.
The brain can also go to the real
positive world. Absolutely. And it's what we put
in that brain, and a lot of that
is realizing, I think, what God has given
you as a unique, beautiful person, and you're
(17:47):
here for God's purpose or God's reasons. And
lo and behold,
hey. That turns into a joyously free moment.
Yeah. Absolutely.
Yeah. Wow. Okay. So back to your friends
that have committed suicide.
How deeply or or how did that affect
you?
Yeah. You know,
so I guess in a multitude of ways,
(18:08):
you know, there's a lot of feelings behind
it.
You know, sometimes you feel
likely you're left behind almost. And then
sometimes I get a sense of especially now
after all of my experiences,
like, I kinda have a feeling of,
I guess, sadness because I don't
(18:29):
because
I got to I got another chance. Mhmm.
And I think that that
affects me sometimes. I feel bad,
but I try to you it also motivates
me to be better Mhmm. In sharing that,
you know?
Mhmm.
Trying to be,
yeah, more of a
positive influence. And I like to be
(18:51):
my story has helped I feel like it's
helped quite a few people.
And at least the ones that I've opened
up to and talked to about it. And
so that's one of the reasons why I'm
doing this show is to help, to try
to help
people reach another audience, you know, and to
help with my story
and that we can get through it, you
know, through God and through love.
(19:13):
Right. Tell your story.
Keep telling your story, Justin, you know, because
it is making a difference right now.
Did you ever use the suicide hotline of
988?
I haven't.
Okay. Do you know people who have? No.
I've
I've
feel like back in the day, I probably
tried to reach out, but
(19:34):
it was just more of, like, an embarrassment.
Right? We don't wanna talk about things because
it felt like people's perspectives of us, perceptions
of us are
altered. You know? And so, yeah, I never
tried it. I did do a lot of,
like, counseling and, like, in, like, group therapy
and things. And I think
seeing other people suffering
(19:56):
more, I would my perspective is more than
me, you know, and
I felt selfish for feeling as bad as
I do sometimes. Mhmm. Because I feel like
a lot of people in the world have
it worse off than me. Mhmm. Yeah. Mhmm.
We can always
get better. Yeah.
It's hard. Right. Right. And and I don't
know if you know this about me. I'm
a I'm a lesbian woman, so I'm involved
(20:17):
in the LGBTQ
community.
And suicide rates are really increasing for trans
people and for anybody in the LGBTQ
community right now because so many of what
we thought are our rights and our
our hope
are diminishing. There's a lot of hate, there's
a lot of fear, there's a lot of
anxiety out there right now on how we're
gonna be treated or respected. And so people
(20:39):
are having these negative suicidal thoughts.
Right. You know? And, I know sometimes that
leads to to drinking and alcohol or addictions
or whatever. Was that a part of your
life at all in the process of your
Yeah. I think a lot a lot of
it when I was younger was stemmed because
of, yeah, substances in my brain. Not allowing
my brain to think clearly. Mhmm. I was
(20:59):
always trying to cloud the feelings
of depression and sadness with
all kinds of drugs and alcohol, honestly. And
that's probably been one of the biggest
steps
to clarity in my mind that has been
sober for pretty much the entire time I've
been in Oregon. Congratulations.
Way to go. Way to go. It's an
(21:20):
it's an amazing feeling, you know, especially when
I see so many people
struggling.
Mhmm.
And
that's sad. Yeah. I don't wanna, I don't
wanna see anybody.
And we all have like free will and
it's sad that we don't have like options
or places that we can go to actually
get help. It seems like
anymore. It's almost like we're it's up to
(21:40):
ourselves to try to fix it. Mhmm. You
know, it's
scary. Mhmm. The world, like you say, is
very much changing every day. Mhmm. More and
more rapidly, it seems like. Mhmm. And
it's hard to adjust
as fast. Yeah. The society is
scared, I think. Right. But you've talked about
(22:02):
hope. That was one of the first things
out of your mouth when we first started
this conversation.
Let's move into that hope part. Okay. What
does that mean to you? Yeah. Just try
to project
love, and I hope that it helps
to
make the world around me and maybe even
further than that.
Be as loved, you know, and feel as
(22:23):
loved. Uh-huh. And that's just, you know, my
biggest thing is to
just try to keep on, you know, progressing
in that way, in that manner, in a
positive manner.
Yeah. Absolutely.
Yes. Yes. And you'll find your tribe, your
pocket of people, wherever that is, that that
gives you more hope.
Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. I feel like,
(22:44):
they say birds of a feather flock together.
Right? There you go. There's there's very much
wisdom in
that. I think we just have to if
we're surrounding ourselves with the wrong people, you
know, we can't
be guided into the world of the right
people. You know? So I think we have
to take a
perspective
of ourselves and the circle we keep.
(23:06):
And if it's not positive
in your life and your mental
well-being, then we have to take a step
back from that.
And honestly look at that. Yeah. Absolutely. You
know, we can't it's easy to let loneliness
and
the thought of being lonely keep us in
bad circumstances
and in bad company. Mhmm. Because they say
(23:27):
misery loves company. Mhmm. Mhmm. And we had
to try to just
be completely different from that. We had to
it's like quitting smoking or quitting drinking or
quitting anything. Mhmm. You have to give yourself
a new avenue of things to do. Right.
You know, I've I've accomplished so many things
in the last few years. Oh, tell us
about some of them. Just just because that's
how I,
(23:49):
battle the depression and the bad thoughts and
stuff in my head.
And I do,
a lot of mountaineering.
I skydived
three times last year. I
summited McLaughlin
July 4 this year.
Like, I just, I stayed very active. I
started teaching myself,
rock climbing and trying to learn some search
(24:10):
and rescue techniques.
And, you know, just different things to keep
me going, you know, keep me in a
positive mindset because I know that I'm being
beneficial to myself.
And I'm able to share that love and
radiance with the world around me. Yep. And
then that's how you started the show off,
by talking about helping others, by reaching out
to others, doing something new. And as I
(24:32):
say every morning, it's a brand new day
It is. Never been lived before. That's right.
Oh my god. And if you really take
that to heart and it sounds like you
are, you're skydiving, you're mountain climbing, you're doing
these things that bring joy to you. Yeah.
Definitely. Bring joy to you. Oh my gosh.
We are down to just a few minutes.
In a quick summary or in a quick
final comment, what do you wanna tell the
(24:53):
listeners today?
Well, I just
yeah. Stay positive
and surround yourself with good people
like Joni and, a lot of people in
our community and in every community. You know,
they're out there. We just have to go
to different places where good people
collectively
come together,
whether it be AA, NA,
(25:13):
churches,
parks and recreation, just different kinds of things,
I think can,
really help get people together.
That that's fabulous.
That's fab I I love those final comments.
Everybody, you might need to listen to this
again. Remember, it's available on podcast, iHeart, Spotify,
Apple Podcasts, KCIW
website, so you can relisten to this. But
(25:35):
Justin had a ton of information today as
well as his heart his heart. Listeners, I
wanna thank you for tuning in. Thank you
for being here on our gorgeous coast of
Southern Oregon and Northern California.
Yes. We hope that this has been a
joyously free mannered day. Yes. We've been talking
about suicide,
but you heard from Justin, it's about hopes.
(25:56):
It's about hanging out and being with the
people that you wanna be with that help
you to be more positive.
This is this has been fantastic today, Justin.
High tens. Big hugs. I can't wait to
stand up and give you a hug, but
thank you so much for being here. Thank
you. Thanks for having me.
My pleasure. My pleasure. Thank you to Mike
Gorse and Tom Bozak and Candice and Rose
(26:17):
and all the k z z KZZH
and KCIW,
my team right here right now with us
to make all this happen. You know, my
books talk about joyously free, and and I
hope that you get a chance to read
that book because it's packed with life's ups
and downs, and we just keep on going
with that.
You know what, everybody? I just wanna say
(26:37):
smile big. Wear bright colors. Let it be
literally a brand new day for you.
Take care now. I love you. Big hugs.
Bye.
Hi, and welcome KCIW
listeners of one hundred point seven at kciw.org
here in beautiful Brookings, Oregon. And, yes, hello
to the syndicated listeners at KZZH
ninety six point seven FM, access Humboldt, Eureka,
California.
This is me, Joni Lindenmeyer, with the show
Joyously Free. It is named after my second
(00:34):
book that I coauthored with Elizabeth Atkins of
2sisterswriting.com.
I'm so glad you're tuning in today. Well,
I've been a resident of Cal Of Oregon
here for thirty four years. I'm a retired
Del Norte High School teacher, and, of course,
you know me as an author. Three books
in two years, including my audiobook of my
own memoir called None Better.
(00:54):
I love life and I love being the
producer of this particular show. It's all about
joyously free, and I'm so glad you are
here. Let's begin with our normal
I even shouldn't say normal. Let's begin with
our regular
brand new day salutation.
I say it's a brand new day, and
(01:14):
you respond with
never been lived before.
Here we go. Let's give it a shot.
It's a brand new day. Never been lived
before. Oh, and isn't that the truth? Oh,
Justin. Just Justin is so hot. Oh my
god. Okay. Gonna get back to this. The
radio Gatio show that we're involved with, as
Will and Viv named it the Gatio show,
is a show that talks about LGBTQ
(01:36):
plus stories and tips along with church,
religion,
faith,
spirituality,
and joy.
Simply said, the purpose of this show is
to share, radiate, and spread
abundant joy and freedom,
hence the title.
Yes. In this broadcast, as in my life,
there's no hate speech,
there's no hate behavior, and no bullying.
(01:59):
It will be blasted with the three c's,
courage, confidence, and collaboration.
And wait till you hear about the courage
of our speaker today. So together, let's seek
understanding,
think out of the box or no boxes,
be open minded as a parachute.
As with every show, I love to start
with a prayer because that's how I start
my every single day. So let's open our
(02:21):
hearts,
asking our creator to shine light on our
community
and our world.
I excitedly believe in hope, in the power
of the divine,
and that Jesus,
God, whatever name you put on a higher
being, is always with me and always with
you.
So we don't need to be afraid or
troubled,
(02:41):
saddened or depressed.
Joy and peace are an internal expression of
love and harmony that is already within us,
and all we have to do is reach
deep and let it out.
Let's consider ourselves
a way to center ourselves.
Let's take a big deep breath in
with the good
(03:01):
and out with doubt.
Again, calmly
breathe in through your nose
with hope
and out from your mouth with fears.
Last one, take a really, really, really big
deep breath in with joy
and out with any worry or despair.
(03:25):
In the name of Mother Earth, God our
Creator,
Jesus our Redeemer, and the blowing winds of
the Holy Spirit, we say good morning. Thank
you for another beautiful day.
My scripture today is from Romans.
Paul wrote to Romans and said,
If God is for us, who can be
(03:45):
against us?
For I am convinced that neither death nor
life,
nor angels nor principalities,
nor present things
nor future things,
nor powers, nor height, nor depth,
nor any other creature
will be able to separate us from the
(04:05):
love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
That's Romans eight thirty one to 39.
When I read that in my scripture book
this morning,
here's some of my golden nuggets.
First off was the question, if God is
for us, who can be against us?
What hit me on that one is no
one is against us.
(04:27):
In the bottom of everybody's heart, I believe
that we all want the best for everybody.
Whatever that may mean. We want the best
for everybody.
And then when it talked about
there's no way that anything can be separated
us from the love of God through Jesus
Christ,
You know, if we really think about it,
(04:47):
what's the most important thing in life?
Yes, jobs are important,
money's important,
having a house, having food, those are all
crucial, crucial essential needs and important,
but it's the love.
It's the love that we can share because
God is love. And when we can share
that love that God has given us,
(05:09):
then all is well. That's really what we
have to to to live for.
I remember when Carol had her stroke, and
then on her last days of death eight
years later,
it was all about her saying to me
over and over, hundreds of times in a
day, I love you, Joni. I love you.
I love you. And just think, everybody, maybe
(05:31):
today's the day where we say that
more deeply,
more meaningfully,
and maybe even more often to the people
in our lives. I love you.
Anyways, those are my reflections.
And so with that, I ask, dear Lord,
that you lift up our friends and our
family,
that you, creator, guide us and heal us.
(05:51):
We thank you for being with us today.
We thank you for helping us to do
your will and to spread that love. So
here we are, a happy day together on
KCIW
and KZZH.
Well, related to that love, I have a
guest today
that I have definitely
fallen in love with, a new friend, but
(06:13):
just I don't know. There's something that has
connected the two of us from the time
that we first talked,
and I wanna introduce you to Justin Horton.
He's a friend of mine via my friend
John.
Our topic today is
life is full of ups and downs.
Hang in there.
And Justin
(06:33):
is a survivor of suicide.
He is my friend. We're gonna talk a
lot about some really, really cool stuff today.
Justin,
thank you for being gutsy,
coming to a studio today,
radiating that smile and sparkly eyes across the
table.
I I wanna say thank you for being
alive. Thank you for being in my life,
(06:54):
and and I love you. I'm so glad
you're here. Thanks, Joni. I love you too.
Oh, thank you, Joe. Pleasure being here. Oh,
good. Good. Good. Good. And what does this
experience feel like already today?
Yeah. It's it's overwhelming a little bit, but
Mhmm. Yeah. It's good. And are you how
are you? Nervous? Excited? Tell me. A little
nervous. It's new.
(07:15):
I like to do new things, though. I
like to get out of my comfort zone
if I can.
You're definitely out of it today? Yeah. 100%.
100%. Yes. For sure. For sure. And I
know we're gonna talk about your life.
And you're you're good with that? We Yeah.
Absolutely. Yeah. Open book. You're open book. Okay.
Okay. And I know that from a book
standpoint. I'm gonna tell you. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Yes. Well, being an open book, why don't
(07:37):
you start off by telling us a little
bit about yourself?
Yeah. I'm just
could I guess, would be called a traveler.
I'm,
have a nomadic
mindset and heart, and
I just travel the world,
our little world, I guess, here, and, try
to spread that love, you know, with people
(07:58):
Mhmm. With everybody I meet. Mhmm. Try to
leave a
standing
with everybody that I'm a, you know, a
good person, and I try to,
you know, to share the share the love
in the world. Right. He needs a lot
of love. Yeah. Right on. Right on. How
old are you? Where were you born? How
long have you been on the coast? There's
(08:18):
three questions for you.
I'm 40. I turned 40 this year.
Congratulations. I'm from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma originally.
Spent a lot of my life there.
I came here I came to Oregon maybe
ten years ago,
and I just really haven't found a reason
to leave. Uh-huh. It's amazing here. Uh-huh. I
(08:38):
connected with John, our mutual friend,
and the church here, Saint Timothy's.
Uh-huh. Father Bernie is an amazing person.
And, yeah, just everybody at the church and
all the people that I've met since I've
been introduced to the place.
Just been amazing life.
Right on. Right on. And and,
(09:00):
family, friends, relationships,
anything like that right now or in your
past? Yeah. You know, just
just yeah. Just me just hanging out, doing
stuff.
I
do a lot of, like, mission work, like,
outreach stuff and just try to stay busy
helping people. Mhmm. Anytime I
(09:20):
feel a calling to help somebody, I try
to go out of my way to accommodate.
You know?
I think I got a lot of that
from the church here, Saint Timothy's. Mhmm. Did
a lot of,
breakfast and cooking and stuff for the homeless
Mhmm. And the needy. And it taught me
a lot about
life and how it can be very draining
on a lot of people. And
(09:41):
a lot of sad people out there that
need a little bit of uplift sometimes. Mhmm.
It's it's good to be
available and in the presence of that, you
know, and try to be a good force
to those people.
Right. Right. And your smile and your eye
contact does that automatically. Yeah. And I try.
Yeah. Yes. Spreading that smile. Yeah. Well, our
topic today is life is full of ups
(10:01):
and downs. Hang in there. Yeah. How about
talking to us about some of your life's
ups and downs?
Yeah. Well, I come from
pretty deep poverty in Oklahoma.
Born and raised in the projects.
And
kind of had
major depression my whole life.
(10:22):
Tried to kill myself multiple times, and
it just took a really long time to
kinda wake up, you know? And the last
time was a major wake up call. I
spent three months in ICU,
and
I've had many reconstruction surgeries on my face.
And, yeah, it's just been
(10:42):
real struggle sometimes. But at the end of
the day, you know, there's definitely
a positive outcome from it all. You know,
I learned that there's a reason for me
to be here.
And I think a lot of that has
been helping other people, you know,
that's where I get a lot of my
callings.
Mhmm. I just, you know, seen a lot
(11:03):
of
deep places in the world, and
it's sad.
Mhmm. But it's good to try to be
a light in a lot of these people's
lives.
Right. And you can do that now. But
what you when you were going through your
dark times, your deeper times Right. When were
your first suicidal thoughts entered into your your
psyche?
I mean, the first time
(11:25):
I can really remember is probably, like, '15,
16.
Just have kind of always
thought that I wasn't going to live very
long. And just kind of always
lived in a sad, oppressive state.
And, you know, tried to kill myself
at least three times
and ended up in the hospital all three
(11:46):
times. And the last time I shot myself
You did? Yeah, in the face. And,
I spent three months in ICU and
thank goodness here at Saint Timothy's and the
Oregon Health Care System
helped me. Cherry
is a big advocate for me. And,
yeah, they got me to see the right
(12:07):
people. I was my face is leaking. I
was just I was basically dying of septis.
And they guided me into OHSU,
Whole team of doctors, you know, brought me
back. And Mhmm.
They actually took my fibula from my right
leg Wow. Took it completely out and reconstructed
my jaw with it.
(12:27):
Wow. Yeah. It's pretty amazing.
Wow. Yeah. Wow. And that's the physical part.
How about some of the
emotional, psychological parts that were going through you
at the same time? Yeah. You know, it
it's just
we get
consumed, I think, with
some of the bad things that maybe not
even be that bad in our lives.
(12:50):
And
our our minds are
yeah. They're they're easily
manipulated,
and they're easily,
they're hard to understand, you know, even
it's our own mind, you know, but it's
so complex. It's hard to really grasp it.
I spent a lot of time,
(13:11):
reading books on psychology after
my incident, and I tried to really try
to understand
why
my mind was like that, why I was
thinking like this, why Right. I went to
such extremes, you know? Right. And really, it's
I haven't found an answer to that. Oh,
no. But
it's just, I think, part of our upbringing,
(13:33):
part of our perspective on life. Mhmm. You
know, I think we need to have,
like, a connection with the higher power. Mhmm.
Something to
push us to be better, you know? Mhmm.
And
I found a lot of different avenues for
that. You know, Buddhism helped me a lot.
I spent a lot of time in monasteries
(13:53):
in my healing,
and just dedicating my time to trying to
give back to the world.
Right. And it's just slowly guided me here,
you know, to where we are in Brookings.
And, yeah, I love this place. It's a
very small,
very small community,
and it's very easy to have the connections
with a lot of it feels like a
(14:14):
lot of people in town.
Right. So I think I got a lot
from that coming here. Right. I come from
a very big
city, and it's hard. Everybody kinda just disappears
into the chaos
of the world. Mhmm. So I like I
like to be here and meet people that
I'm I know I'm the see almost every
day. Mhmm. It helps me to be a
(14:34):
better person too.
Right on. Right on. You had said so
many things in there that my mind is
just thinking of and asking questions.
First off,
you you mentioned you were 15 or 16
when you first had these suicidal
suicidal thoughts.
Did you go to anybody for help at
all during that time? You know, I didn't.
(14:55):
Well, I ended up in,
like,
a psychiatric facility the first time when I
was an adult.
And I spent three days there, but there
wasn't How did you end up there? Because
I
it was a part of the program from
the hospital because I was admitted for trying
to kill myself. So I was on a
seventy two hour
(15:16):
mental evaluation from a facility. Okay. And
they didn't really
try to help me. Yeah. They weren't really
trying
to figure out what was wrong with me.
You know? It was more of, like, just
push people out, in and out of the
system. Okay. And I think And that probably
didn't feel good? No. Yeah. I think it
just Exasperated everything? Exactly. And,
(15:40):
yeah, eventually,
yeah, I just I learned to try to
find my own,
you know, avenues
of which is where I end up in
some of the Buddhist places and a lot
of churches. I've been to probably every kind
of church you can think of, every, you
know, degree. And And isn't that interesting? When
life falls apart, when it hits ground or
(16:01):
beneath the ground, you're in a pit, you
know, where do you go? You know the
system may not work for you. Right. And
so you turn to a church or churches
to try to find the answer. Yep. Absolutely.
And I feel like I found it every
time, you know, in different ways. Mhmm. Through
different people, angelic people. Mhmm.
And I think yeah. I'm very thankful for
(16:23):
them to be there, all of them. Yeah.
All the angels and Samaritans along your path
that have brought you to this point. Yeah.
Okay. Keep going. I'm sorry I interrupted you.
No. It's fine.
Yeah. It's just I like
yeah. I just like to stay busy. Mhmm.
Mhmm. Well and you're so courageous
to be able to talk about this because
a lot of us don't understand suicide or
(16:45):
we don't wanna admit Right. That we've maybe
had the thoughts or have known people that
have actually committed suicide. Right. You know? Have
you known people that have committed suicide?
I have. Quite a few of my friends,
actually, growing up.
And, yeah, you're right. Nobody ever really talks
about it. And it's kind of just something
I think
we all sit with inside of us, you
(17:07):
know, through goods and bad times.
Not everybody probably has thoughts like that, but
I would say a lot of people do.
Right. You know? And,
yeah, it's hard it's hard to ignore it
sometimes because our brain's
so powerful over us. And,
yeah, I think that that's where just
staying busy and positive things, you know, really,
(17:27):
really helps to deflect
that. Right. And you hit the nail on
the head. If our brains can go to
the negative negative world, the down world Right.
The brain can also go to the real
positive world. Absolutely. And it's what we put
in that brain, and a lot of that
is realizing, I think, what God has given
you as a unique, beautiful person, and you're
(17:47):
here for God's purpose or God's reasons. And
lo and behold,
hey. That turns into a joyously free moment.
Yeah. Absolutely.
Yeah. Wow. Okay. So back to your friends
that have committed suicide.
How deeply or or how did that affect
you?
Yeah. You know,
so I guess in a multitude of ways,
(18:08):
you know, there's a lot of feelings behind
it.
You know, sometimes you feel
likely you're left behind almost. And then
sometimes I get a sense of especially now
after all of my experiences,
like, I kinda have a feeling of,
I guess, sadness because I don't
(18:29):
because
I got to I got another chance. Mhmm.
And I think that that
affects me sometimes. I feel bad,
but I try to you it also motivates
me to be better Mhmm. In sharing that,
you know?
Mhmm.
Trying to be,
yeah, more of a
positive influence. And I like to be
(18:51):
my story has helped I feel like it's
helped quite a few people.
And at least the ones that I've opened
up to and talked to about it. And
so that's one of the reasons why I'm
doing this show is to help, to try
to help
people reach another audience, you know, and to
help with my story
and that we can get through it, you
know, through God and through love.
(19:13):
Right. Tell your story.
Keep telling your story, Justin, you know, because
it is making a difference right now.
Did you ever use the suicide hotline of
988?
I haven't.
Okay. Do you know people who have? No.
I've
I've
feel like back in the day, I probably
tried to reach out, but
(19:34):
it was just more of, like, an embarrassment.
Right? We don't wanna talk about things because
it felt like people's perspectives of us, perceptions
of us are
altered. You know? And so, yeah, I never
tried it. I did do a lot of,
like, counseling and, like, in, like, group therapy
and things. And I think
seeing other people suffering
(19:56):
more, I would my perspective is more than
me, you know, and
I felt selfish for feeling as bad as
I do sometimes. Mhmm. Because I feel like
a lot of people in the world have
it worse off than me. Mhmm. Yeah. Mhmm.
We can always
get better. Yeah.
It's hard. Right. Right. And and I don't
know if you know this about me. I'm
a I'm a lesbian woman, so I'm involved
(20:17):
in the LGBTQ
community.
And suicide rates are really increasing for trans
people and for anybody in the LGBTQ
community right now because so many of what
we thought are our rights and our
our hope
are diminishing. There's a lot of hate, there's
a lot of fear, there's a lot of
anxiety out there right now on how we're
gonna be treated or respected. And so people
(20:39):
are having these negative suicidal thoughts.
Right. You know? And, I know sometimes that
leads to to drinking and alcohol or addictions
or whatever. Was that a part of your
life at all in the process of your
Yeah. I think a lot a lot of
it when I was younger was stemmed because
of, yeah, substances in my brain. Not allowing
my brain to think clearly. Mhmm. I was
(20:59):
always trying to cloud the feelings
of depression and sadness with
all kinds of drugs and alcohol, honestly. And
that's probably been one of the biggest
steps
to clarity in my mind that has been
sober for pretty much the entire time I've
been in Oregon. Congratulations.
Way to go. Way to go. It's an
(21:20):
it's an amazing feeling, you know, especially when
I see so many people
struggling.
Mhmm.
And
that's sad. Yeah. I don't wanna, I don't
wanna see anybody.
And we all have like free will and
it's sad that we don't have like options
or places that we can go to actually
get help. It seems like
anymore. It's almost like we're it's up to
(21:40):
ourselves to try to fix it. Mhmm. You
know, it's
scary. Mhmm. The world, like you say, is
very much changing every day. Mhmm. More and
more rapidly, it seems like. Mhmm. And
it's hard to adjust
as fast. Yeah. The society is
scared, I think. Right. But you've talked about
(22:02):
hope. That was one of the first things
out of your mouth when we first started
this conversation.
Let's move into that hope part. Okay. What
does that mean to you? Yeah. Just try
to project
love, and I hope that it helps
to
make the world around me and maybe even
further than that.
Be as loved, you know, and feel as
(22:23):
loved. Uh-huh. And that's just, you know, my
biggest thing is to
just try to keep on, you know, progressing
in that way, in that manner, in a
positive manner.
Yeah. Absolutely.
Yes. Yes. And you'll find your tribe, your
pocket of people, wherever that is, that that
gives you more hope.
Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. I feel like,
(22:44):
they say birds of a feather flock together.
Right? There you go. There's there's very much
wisdom in
that. I think we just have to if
we're surrounding ourselves with the wrong people, you
know, we can't
be guided into the world of the right
people. You know? So I think we have
to take a
perspective
of ourselves and the circle we keep.
(23:06):
And if it's not positive
in your life and your mental
well-being, then we have to take a step
back from that.
And honestly look at that. Yeah. Absolutely. You
know, we can't it's easy to let loneliness
and
the thought of being lonely keep us in
bad circumstances
and in bad company. Mhmm. Because they say
(23:27):
misery loves company. Mhmm. Mhmm. And we had
to try to just
be completely different from that. We had to
it's like quitting smoking or quitting drinking or
quitting anything. Mhmm. You have to give yourself
a new avenue of things to do. Right.
You know, I've I've accomplished so many things
in the last few years. Oh, tell us
about some of them. Just just because that's
how I,
(23:49):
battle the depression and the bad thoughts and
stuff in my head.
And I do,
a lot of mountaineering.
I skydived
three times last year. I
summited McLaughlin
July 4 this year.
Like, I just, I stayed very active. I
started teaching myself,
rock climbing and trying to learn some search
(24:10):
and rescue techniques.
And, you know, just different things to keep
me going, you know, keep me in a
positive mindset because I know that I'm being
beneficial to myself.
And I'm able to share that love and
radiance with the world around me. Yep. And
then that's how you started the show off,
by talking about helping others, by reaching out
to others, doing something new. And as I
(24:32):
say every morning, it's a brand new day
It is. Never been lived before. That's right.
Oh my god. And if you really take
that to heart and it sounds like you
are, you're skydiving, you're mountain climbing, you're doing
these things that bring joy to you. Yeah.
Definitely. Bring joy to you. Oh my gosh.
We are down to just a few minutes.
In a quick summary or in a quick
final comment, what do you wanna tell the
(24:53):
listeners today?
Well, I just
yeah. Stay positive
and surround yourself with good people
like Joni and, a lot of people in
our community and in every community. You know,
they're out there. We just have to go
to different places where good people
collectively
come together,
whether it be AA, NA,
(25:13):
churches,
parks and recreation, just different kinds of things,
I think can,
really help get people together.
That that's fabulous.
That's fab I I love those final comments.
Everybody, you might need to listen to this
again. Remember, it's available on podcast, iHeart, Spotify,
Apple Podcasts, KCIW
website, so you can relisten to this. But
(25:35):
Justin had a ton of information today as
well as his heart his heart. Listeners, I
wanna thank you for tuning in. Thank you
for being here on our gorgeous coast of
Southern Oregon and Northern California.
Yes. We hope that this has been a
joyously free mannered day. Yes. We've been talking
about suicide,
but you heard from Justin, it's about hopes.
(25:56):
It's about hanging out and being with the
people that you wanna be with that help
you to be more positive.
This is this has been fantastic today, Justin.
High tens. Big hugs. I can't wait to
stand up and give you a hug, but
thank you so much for being here. Thank
you. Thanks for having me.
My pleasure. My pleasure. Thank you to Mike
Gorse and Tom Bozak and Candice and Rose
(26:17):
and all the k z z KZZH
and KCIW,
my team right here right now with us
to make all this happen. You know, my
books talk about joyously free, and and I
hope that you get a chance to read
that book because it's packed with life's ups
and downs, and we just keep on going
with that.
You know what, everybody? I just wanna say
(26:37):
smile big. Wear bright colors. Let it be
literally a brand new day for you.
Take care now. I love you. Big hugs.
Bye.
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