July 28, 2024 • 33 mins
In this episode, we delve into the complex intersection of dating and politics. With the 2024 presidential election season in full swing, tensions are high, and political discourse is unavoidable. Our goal is to help you navigate these challenging conversations with thoughtfulness and respect, whether you're dating or engaging with others who hold differing views.
We'll explore the importance of self-assessment to understand your political stance and its impact on your relationships. We'll also discuss practical tips for handling political disagreements, maintaining balance in your life, and ensuring your mental well-being during these turbulent times.
Join us as we navigate this timely and essential topic, providing you with wisdom and strategies to manage political conversations in your dating life and beyond.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Music.
(00:24):
Other when dateology was first originated, and it always makes me smile to listen to.
Today we're going to be covering the topic of dating and politics.
A quick disclaimer here before you turn off this show is that it is not my heart
nor my intention to embed any of my own opinions on any political candidate or topic in the show.
(00:49):
The intention of the show is to help Hope you all be thoughtful about how you're
approaching politics this presidential election season, how you are engaging with one another,
especially if you're in disagreement with someone that you're dating or getting to know.
And I think that the content today will span beyond just dating relationships,
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and hopefully you can use this wisdom and perspective shifts to think about
how you engage with other people in your life that might not agree with you.
A quick update here on the in-person event that I've been putting together.
Sadly, there is no update. The church I'm working with has some red tape that it is experiencing.
(01:36):
So here's my commitment to you all is that I will be putting an event together
this fall, whether with this church or independently or another church.
So in the next couple of days, I'm going to be making that decision on moving
forward and I will provide you with a save the date very soon.
Some of you have been reaching out, expressing interest and asking for more information.
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And I promise you that you will be the first to know when it comes out.
I will update my social media accounts and I will record something because I'm
looking forward to seeing you all in person and giving you an opportunity to meet one another.
Now, getting back to the conversation for today.
So as you all know, podcasts live online for years after the day that they're published.
(02:24):
So I'm going to do a quick little time capsule here.
It is currently July 2024, and it is a presidential election season.
And there's a lot happening. A week ago from today, the current President Joe
Biden announced that he is stepping down as a Democratic candidate for this
upcoming election cycle.
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And it's looking like his vice president, Kamala Harris, is going to have the
nomination for the Democratic Party.
A week before that, former President Donald Trump, who is currently the Republican
nominee, nominee was in an attempted assassination.
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He is alive and well by all accounts.
And if you can just hear those three small updates, that's a lot politically
to be going on in our news cycle.
And that has nothing to do even with the issues at hand that people feel so passionately about.
And And so we're in this really tense climate where politics is on the brain.
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It is on our news stations. It's in our news feeds.
And maybe during the regular years when it's not an election cycle,
politics might not be as hot as a conversation as it is right now because it's
on everyone's minds due to the news and all of the updates and the election.
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And so it makes sense that that kind of tension would then bleed out into dating
relationships, especially if you're finding out that you're not in alignment
with the person that you're dating.
Let me remind you all here that in the United States, there's only two major
political parties that have ruled our country.
And that, I mean, ruled is a strong word. I know that there's a process of checks
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and balances, but two major parties that have had political power.
And that is the Democratic and Republican Party. And I just want to remind you
all that that is only two.
Most people don't fall staunchly for.
In one or the other category. People are typically a blend and can have many
different ideas that cross party lines.
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So when we're in a tense environment like we are now, sometimes we forget that
and we can become very skeptical easily of someone who identifies with one political party or another.
It can be easy to have black and white thinking or to have fear-based thinking,
assuming the worst of the person because of who they're going to be voting for.
And so I really want us to take a quick step back here, take a breath,
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and do some introspection around political values just as a concept.
So in politics, what ends up happening is we put our ideas about the world and
how it ought to be run and ideas around what is moral and ethical onto these
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two parties and onto candidates. it.
Usually people have common value systems, things like wanting peace,
wanting justice, wanting harmony, wanting a pathway for happiness.
But how that gets enacted can look really differently. And that's what creates a lot of the tension.
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So something to think about is the idea of different value systems and the idea
of morality versus governance.
One way to approach this conversation internally and with other people is to
think about what comes up for you moralistically and if those morals ought to
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be then placed into laws and should we be governed out of that place.
This is, I don't think, an easy answer and I'm not going to answer it for you,
but I want you all to think about it because if you're listening to the show,
high chances are, you're a Christian, because this is a faith-based podcast.
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We typically tailor all of what we talk about to Christians that are dating
within Christian communities.
And so when we're thinking about we're in this world, but not of the world,
Christian ethic is going to look different than the ethics of the majority of people around us.
We know that that is embedded in scripture.
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And so taking a moment to think which
part of our morals and ethics as Christians ought to be imposed on us.
A nation? That is just a question for you all to be thinking through as we continue
along this conversation.
In this vein, I want to talk a moment just about some theology.
What do we see Jesus doing when he is on earth? How does he engage with the
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political system around him?
Now, we know that the disciples thought that Jesus was coming to overthrow the
government and that he was going to be the next leader.
And that's not what took place because Jesus' focus was on something longer term.
His focus was on our salvation, on grace, and on bringing forth the eternal
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kingdom of God here and now.
And that is not to then say that politics are not important.
We're called to seek justice as believers.
And so it is so human
and right that we would
want to implement peace and justice and equality and how that ends up being
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done because we're humans are practical laws and ideas around how things should
be enforced and expectations that we have for humanity.
So both of these things, I think, can be held in tension.
This idea that God shows us through Jesus Christ, this model of having an eternal
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perspective, and how as humans,
we're in this place where we're also called to live, have families within the
communities that we're a part of.
And so engaging politically is a part of being good citizens,
things like voting, things like advocating for issues that you really believe in.
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And again, what becomes tense is that we're all human, and we are doing the
best that we can on implementing what those ideas are.
I'm so sorry if there's like a bird right outside of my window.
I'm so sorry if that's distracting for you all. I'm going to try to push through.
But the reason, yeah, it's just tense because we don't all agree on the same things.
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And there's a group of people that thinks it should be done one way and another
group that should be done another way.
And then thousands and thousands of people that think it should be all sorts
of different ways that just hold no political power.
So that is just the human landscape that we're in as Christians.
We're just trying our best to navigate this fallen, sinful world.
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So how do we do this well in dating? I'm going to move into the tip section,
some just practical ideas for you all.
So number one, this is what I want all of my listeners to be doing,
is to first do a self-assessment.
Where are you politically and why? Why are certain issues important to you?
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Why are certain candidates important to you?
And just take a moment to be mindful, create a list of what issues are priority
issues and what issues are things that you can be more flexible on.
This will help you navigate who is more compatible for you to be with.
If you are on either far extreme of the spectrum, then chances are you're going
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to want to be with someone who is also like-minded in those ways.
And if that is the case, then it is your responsibility to be clear about how
you represent yourself on dating sites and when you're getting to know someone
so that you're not wasting anyone's time to being able to say, hey, hi, I'm so-and-so.
I am a staunch believer in this political party.
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This is important to me, and I'm looking for someone who wants to implement
those value systems too and to raise our children in that way.
If you are going through this self-assessment and you find yourself having a
bit more flexibility or you're comfortable with unknowns, which most people,
may I remind you, in the United States fall somewhere within the middle.
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I know it's hard to remember that because media thrives on, well,
fear, fear sells, unfortunately, thrives on fear and thrives on extreme ideas and conflict.
And so you might look at the political landscape through a news outlet lens
and think, oh, the world is in peril.
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Everyone is on one side and everyone else is completely on the other.
And I think in reality, we're a lot more aligned somewhere within the middle,
the majority of people, obviously, you do have those that are on either extremes.
So if you are a more moderate human being, then you have some flexibility,
most likely, in how you date people.
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And this is where coming to the table, approaching this conversation with some sensitivity,
have curiosity about the way that you ask questions to people that you're dating
in a non-judgmental way,
and to let people get to know you and the issues that are important to you in
a way that is not trying to change their mind or preach to them,
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but to let them know things that are important to you.
I want to remind you all that dating is not the place where we try to change other people.
I'm literally in the business of changing, helping people come alongside them
when they desire change for their behaviors and thought life.
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And let me tell you, It is a very...
Not impossible, obviously, but it's a nuanced, difficult process.
And the people that come to me want the change. If you're on a date,
most likely someone is not saying, oh, I really want to go out with so-and-so
because they're really going to teach me about such and such topic.
No, it's important that you're evaluating and dating the person that's right
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in front of you and not the idealized version of that person.
This is a big mistake that we all can get into really easily is getting to know
someone and then making exceptions or rationalizing some of their behaviors away by saying like,
oh, if they just dot, dot, dot, then they would be the right person for me.
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It's important that you date with eyes wide open and you take the person in
front of you very seriously.
So let me review this. Self-assessment, know where you are on the political spectrum.
If you are on a far end of the spectrum, let people know that earlier on in
the dating process, because that will seem like non-negotiable issues.
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For everyone else somewhere within the middle, you also might have some non-negotiable
topics that are important to you.
Bring those up early in dating so that you know, just like faith,
we filter out things all the time when we're dating people. Are you a smoker?
Are you a drinker? Are you a believer?
What do you do for work? What is your location?
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And so politics might be something too that you add to that list to help you
make an informed decision.
I want all of you, no matter where you fall on the political spectrum,
to be showing Christ in the way that you treat one another, which is remembering
that every human when you talk to as an image bearer of God and to show respect,
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even if you don't agree with one another, remembering that you're not going
to change someone's mind.
So this idea of debating is a fruitless effort for the most part,
unless someone is asking you, tell me more about that conversation.
Tell me more about that topic.
Unless you're canvassing and it is your current role to go try to inform individuals
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of the person or issue that you're advocating for.
I want you all to just have curiosity and a non-judgmental tone around the person.
Around the people that you are dating, and to be able to walk away from any
of these dating experiences knowing that you treated somebody really well.
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It is so important that we don't get lost in the here and now.
We are in the now and not yet of the story of scripture.
This is not the new heavens and the new earth. And sometimes we can get overly
focused on trying to make things perfect now without taking a step back and
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knowing that this is not the place where all things are redeemed,
that some things are going to be redeemed here, that God is going to engage
with us and have moments in time where we feel him palpably.
But this is not eternity.
We're not on the other side of eternity where God has made all things new.
And so we're going to expect that most people are going to get things wrong,
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including ourselves, that we're going to be doing our best and that there's
going to be tension right now. And that's okay.
We're going to just accept it. And we're not going to try to change it because
trying to change that again is such a fruitless effort that's going to take from you.
And this leads me to my next tip for you all is that if you do get triggered,
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if you're on a date, having a great meal with someone that you like,
and they bring up a topic that you feel so passionately about,
and they don't see it your way, I want you to prepare for this moment,
or just keep this in mind for if this moment happens.
Take a second to recalibrate yourself.
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Remember that when we're triggered, it usually has something to do with us introspectively
rather than it does something external.
It is externally caused if someone is attempting to be offensive to you or saying
something combative with the heart of harming you or hurting your feelings.
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If someone is just curious or having a thoughtful intellectual debate on something
and you are getting your heart is racing, you're feeling really charged up,
I want you to do a couple of things.
You can pause, take a sip of water, say that you need to go to the bathroom,
walk away, catch your breath.
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Try to recalibrate yourself. It is okay to end a date early or end a phone conversation
early if you're not in the right headspace.
There's no need to project anything that's going on inside of you onto another
person or to let the worst parts of you be acted on on a date.
We all have moments where we get really fired up, especially when it comes to things like justice.
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Political issues, Again, get to the heart of things we believe the most about
the world, wanting peace, wanting justice, wanting happiness,
wanting safety, wanting an opportunity to have a home for our future children
that is going to be good and prosperous.
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Those are all wonderful desires to have, and they can be very triggering concepts. steps.
So take a breath, go to the bathroom, end a call, prepare a script for yourself
to be able to say to someone, oh my goodness, I'm so sorry.
This conversation has really gotten under my skin and I'm having a great time
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with you, but I think we should call it a night here.
And why don't we check in in the morning when we've gotten clear headed?
Have some kind of pause. Don't mess things up in a relationship based on a political
issue that is inflaming you.
Give the person that you're with an opportunity, especially if you're in a longer
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term committed relationship, to explain, to get to the heart of why they see
something the way that they see it.
Don't just assume the worst things that you've heard about that issue.
Ask a lot of questions and see if you can come to some type of place of agreement.
You might see the implementation of a lot differently, but ours,
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there's something about the
way that you see, you know, something like women's rights or gun safety.
You know, there's, these can be such polarized issues, but when you get to the
heart of it, what are the things that you agree on?
For an example, something like gun sense laws, someone might be a gun owner
and they also might believe in things like safe storage, And that might be on the same.
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Wavelength of someone who is an advocate for things like gun sense laws.
And so don't just assume that someone who, in this example, is on either side
of the aisle either wants to abolish the Second Amendment or promote everyone having a firearm.
Things are much more nuanced than that. You have to remember that all of the
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issues that come to the table, the reason that there are these long-standing,
hard-fought battles is because they're not black and white.
And if they were, It would be much more simpler to agree on and to resolve.
And that's just not the case. So get curious. Listen, I want to zoom out here
because something that I've thought about in this episode, and let me tell you,
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I've wanted to get this right.
I have recorded and re-recorded this episode what feels like a hundred times.
So I really hope this is the one that reaches you all because I want to be so
sensitive with all of these topics and even giving examples makes me so nervous
because I don't want to offend anyone.
That's just not the point of this show.
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And I've been thinking a lot about 2020. And we did an episode during that 2020 year,
if you want to go back and listen to that episode And as a fellow citizen and as a therapist,
seeing how 2020 affected the mental health of at least our nation,
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you know, I can't speak for anyone outside of the United States,
although I know many of you do listen,
who are not just U.S.-based people.
Having everything that took place in 2020, that was our last presidential election.
We had COVID going on and a lot of differences around the science and differences
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around how to implement things like vaccinations and just so much differences.
Says, I'm in California.
There were fires going on at the time.
And obviously there are things with social justice.
And all of those issues had to be addressed.
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I am not one for encouraging anyone to bury their head in the sand.
And the toll that it took on humanity was so great.
And I don't want us to walk into another election season holding our breath
and getting so wrapped up in what's happening outside of our small lives to
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the point that it harms our mental health.
Now please hear the nuance there. This is not to disparage any hot topic issues.
What I'm promoting is a balance so that you're able to stay engaged in the world
around you and be well-informed,
but also be a functional human being who's not spiraled into depression or anxiety
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because of the chaos around you.
And so the last thing I'm going to do on our episode today is to give you all
some pointers around how to take care of yourself so that you do stay in a balanced state.
One is to limit your exposure and time on the news or doom scrolling.
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Have a set time. Think about it even in this moment. How much time a day sounds
realistic to you? Is that 10 minutes to be informed?
Is that 30 minutes to watch your favorite political news anchor or NPR episode?
Whatever that is, have that time in mind and hold yourself to it because there's
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going to be days where the news cycle is just rolling one headline after another.
And if we're not careful, then we end up sacrificing our relationships and our
focus on job or other responsibilities to stay on top of that news cycle.
And you have to remember that people in the media and journalists want to keep
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our attention, right? They want clicks on articles.
They want our eyes on the news outlets.
And so be mindful not to get sucked in. Remember, this is a balance,
how to stay informed and how to engage in the other parts of your life.
And so that step two is practice that balance. Do the things that you enjoy.
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It's okay to step away. It's okay to go move your body, exercise,
get outdoors, be in community, engage in spiritual disciplines.
You can utilize all the fears that come up in your heart as guides for how you pray.
And you can ask God for wisdom for our nation.
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You can ask God for things like peace. You can ask God for peace over your own heart.
The fears that politics can bring can be like existential fears,
fears that that the next wrong leader is going to, you know,
take our whole world into chaos or another,
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you know, world war,
or that there's going to be some kind of atrophy that's going to happen with human existence.
That stuff is really scary, but we can bring it to the cross.
We can bring that to God and say, hey, I heard this news today and it really scared me.
I'm really afraid of the end of the world, or I'm really afraid of conflict,
or I'm really afraid of, you know, personal harm, bring that to God.
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God is with you. He loves you. We believe in a present.
Holy Spirit, who is your advocate, who goes to the Father on your behalf.
And so please be in prayer, my friends, in this season.
Again, number three, I'm going to reiterate this, is to have some polite ways
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to excuse yourself out of conversations.
You could use this with family members and co-workers as well as dates.
Think about it in advance.
If you know you're going to go see, you know, Aunt Sue who has all these wacky
ideas on X, Y, and Z, and it's, you know, Aunt Sue's going to bring some hot
topics up to you, have a game plan.
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Have some other conversation fodder that you want to talk with Aunt Sue about.
Ask her a couple questions about whatever, her dogs, her vacations,
and then find ways out when those conversations come up that maybe you don't
want to be a part of, or you just want to be a part for a little bit,
you can change the subject.
You can say, hey, Aunt Sue, I've been, you know, really sensitive to these topics lately.
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Can we talk about something else? Or can we talk about this later?
You can excuse yourself from the room. Doing something like going to the bathroom
is a really easy way to disrupt a conversation.
And then when you get out of the restroom, you can go to a different part of the room.
So have some exit strategies that are polite and respectful that you can use
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in an array of environments.
If you find yourself in distress, in more distress than.
You can manage and distress to a point that other areas of your life are suffering,
then these are some things I want you to consider.
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One, talk with a therapist. A therapist is a great safe space to talk about your ideals,
knowing that your therapist's job is not to contradict you or embed any of their
ideas in the conversation.
An asterisk here, if you have a therapist who who embeds their ideas or imposes
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their political stance, then that is not an ethical therapist.
In that moment, they've just crossed a line. And so find someone else.
That's not how we're trained.
It's not how we should be. We ought to be holding space for you to talk about
complex ideas and how politics are affecting you and your mental health and your relationships.
Talk with someone about it. Do some journaling throughout the conversation today.
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I've given in you all some things to think about. Those are great journal prompts.
Thinking about things like your value system, prioritizing the difference between
morality and governance, thinking about what you can handle in terms of a compatible partner.
Planning for exit strategies for when you get out of balance when someone brings
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up an issue that you know is tense and that you don't agree on.
Think about exit strategies for holidays that are upcoming in the fall.
Give yourself a plan for how to limit the overexposure to news.
Think about some balance strategies for doing things that make you feel the
most like you. Simple things like what's your favorite song?
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Turn your favorite song on. Usually that small thing can shift your mood and
help you to just Just have a different way of thinking and being in your body.
Obviously, my therapist, I know that's not going to solve all your problems to turn on song,
but sometimes something simple as having an upbeat tune or something that resonates
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with you shifts the way that your mind is thinking and gives you an opportunity
to do something else, to get out of your head and to go somewhere else in your house,
to walk outside, to just shift your perspective.
Perspective number three here is to
bring these things to god four is
following the steps of balance that we already went over
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and yeah maybe there's
just four of them that i have written down but those are the things i want you
to think about is constantly be assessing how emotionally healthy that you feel
like you are we're in an era where mental health is at a place of of being epidemic in our culture.
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And so please don't put any morality on yourself.
Like, don't condemn yourself if you're feeling depressed or overwhelmed. We are human.
These issues are hard and difficult when you're thinking about anything.
You know, when you're thinking about things like war or peace,
you're thinking about, you know, the existence of earth or resources,
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humanity, borderlines.
I mean, there's so much here that can really unsettle us and get us into a place
where, yes, it makes sense to feel distressed. It makes sense.
And yeah, I'm not going to go into more examples because I don't want to get
into any kind of hot water, but I just want to validate that having,
just like going back to 2020,
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it made sense that people were very dysregulated because of what was going on
and they wanted to get involved and they wanted their voices to be heard on
so many different issues.
And stay in balance, get engaged, validate your emotions, and also try to center
yourself so that your emotions are not overcoming you.
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That means that we hold space for our emotional experiences and for our present moment.
It's not discounting our emotions and minimizing them just for the present moment,
and it's not overindulging in emotions and foregoing the present moment.
It's holding tension for both things still show up for your responsibilities
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still be a good community member and a good dating partner let's see if there's
anything else in my notes here that i want to cover before we say goodbye.
The only thing I was going to say here is that I just want to acknowledge those
of you who are either working in a campaign, if you're a journalist,
if you're in any kind of political role, I understand that it's going to be
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a little harder for you to find that balance because it is your job to be informed
and to talk about the politics on a regular basis.
Even more so for you when you're done working, when you're done with that news
piece, go outside, find other ways to connect with yourself and to connect with your spirituality,
connect with your community, connect with your body so that you're not,
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we're all not just focused on this one area of life.
And guess what? This too will pass.
Nothing is new under the sun. Just like 2020 passed, that feels like a really
distant memory in a lot of ways, even though things aren't fully resolved from then.
You know, COVID is not as dominating our culture.
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And I think people have mostly recovered from that really difficult time.
And guess what? 2024 will pass too.
And, you know, four years from now, eight years from now, 20 years from now,
50 years from now, we're going going to be focused on other things.
So put some perspective into this. I hope that you're all still able to engage
thoughtfully in dating. Have a good time.
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Use dating as a place where you're able to have fun and have balance.
Talk about all sorts of other things.
Obviously, it's still summer, so hopefully you're traveling and able to,
you know, hang out with friends and engage in hobbies.
So I hope that this conversation was nurturing for you all.
I know that it's hard, But if you can walk away from this show more intentional
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and better equipped to be thoughtful and respectful to your neighbor,
because we're called to love our neighbors as ourselves,
then I have done my job.
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Music.
Music.
(00:24):
Other when dateology was first originated, and it always makes me smile to listen to.
Today we're going to be covering the topic of dating and politics.
A quick disclaimer here before you turn off this show is that it is not my heart
nor my intention to embed any of my own opinions on any political candidate or topic in the show.
(00:49):
The intention of the show is to help Hope you all be thoughtful about how you're
approaching politics this presidential election season, how you are engaging with one another,
especially if you're in disagreement with someone that you're dating or getting to know.
And I think that the content today will span beyond just dating relationships,
(01:13):
and hopefully you can use this wisdom and perspective shifts to think about
how you engage with other people in your life that might not agree with you.
A quick update here on the in-person event that I've been putting together.
Sadly, there is no update. The church I'm working with has some red tape that it is experiencing.
(01:36):
So here's my commitment to you all is that I will be putting an event together
this fall, whether with this church or independently or another church.
So in the next couple of days, I'm going to be making that decision on moving
forward and I will provide you with a save the date very soon.
Some of you have been reaching out, expressing interest and asking for more information.
(01:59):
And I promise you that you will be the first to know when it comes out.
I will update my social media accounts and I will record something because I'm
looking forward to seeing you all in person and giving you an opportunity to meet one another.
Now, getting back to the conversation for today.
So as you all know, podcasts live online for years after the day that they're published.
(02:24):
So I'm going to do a quick little time capsule here.
It is currently July 2024, and it is a presidential election season.
And there's a lot happening. A week ago from today, the current President Joe
Biden announced that he is stepping down as a Democratic candidate for this
upcoming election cycle.
(02:46):
And it's looking like his vice president, Kamala Harris, is going to have the
nomination for the Democratic Party.
A week before that, former President Donald Trump, who is currently the Republican
nominee, nominee was in an attempted assassination.
(03:07):
He is alive and well by all accounts.
And if you can just hear those three small updates, that's a lot politically
to be going on in our news cycle.
And that has nothing to do even with the issues at hand that people feel so passionately about.
And And so we're in this really tense climate where politics is on the brain.
(03:32):
It is on our news stations. It's in our news feeds.
And maybe during the regular years when it's not an election cycle,
politics might not be as hot as a conversation as it is right now because it's
on everyone's minds due to the news and all of the updates and the election.
(03:53):
And so it makes sense that that kind of tension would then bleed out into dating
relationships, especially if you're finding out that you're not in alignment
with the person that you're dating.
Let me remind you all here that in the United States, there's only two major
political parties that have ruled our country.
And that, I mean, ruled is a strong word. I know that there's a process of checks
(04:17):
and balances, but two major parties that have had political power.
And that is the Democratic and Republican Party. And I just want to remind you
all that that is only two.
Most people don't fall staunchly for.
In one or the other category. People are typically a blend and can have many
different ideas that cross party lines.
(04:40):
So when we're in a tense environment like we are now, sometimes we forget that
and we can become very skeptical easily of someone who identifies with one political party or another.
It can be easy to have black and white thinking or to have fear-based thinking,
assuming the worst of the person because of who they're going to be voting for.
And so I really want us to take a quick step back here, take a breath,
(05:05):
and do some introspection around political values just as a concept.
So in politics, what ends up happening is we put our ideas about the world and
how it ought to be run and ideas around what is moral and ethical onto these
(05:26):
two parties and onto candidates. it.
Usually people have common value systems, things like wanting peace,
wanting justice, wanting harmony, wanting a pathway for happiness.
But how that gets enacted can look really differently. And that's what creates a lot of the tension.
(05:48):
So something to think about is the idea of different value systems and the idea
of morality versus governance.
One way to approach this conversation internally and with other people is to
think about what comes up for you moralistically and if those morals ought to
(06:10):
be then placed into laws and should we be governed out of that place.
This is, I don't think, an easy answer and I'm not going to answer it for you,
but I want you all to think about it because if you're listening to the show,
high chances are, you're a Christian, because this is a faith-based podcast.
(06:30):
We typically tailor all of what we talk about to Christians that are dating
within Christian communities.
And so when we're thinking about we're in this world, but not of the world,
Christian ethic is going to look different than the ethics of the majority of people around us.
We know that that is embedded in scripture.
(06:50):
And so taking a moment to think which
part of our morals and ethics as Christians ought to be imposed on us.
A nation? That is just a question for you all to be thinking through as we continue
along this conversation.
In this vein, I want to talk a moment just about some theology.
What do we see Jesus doing when he is on earth? How does he engage with the
(07:15):
political system around him?
Now, we know that the disciples thought that Jesus was coming to overthrow the
government and that he was going to be the next leader.
And that's not what took place because Jesus' focus was on something longer term.
His focus was on our salvation, on grace, and on bringing forth the eternal
(07:41):
kingdom of God here and now.
And that is not to then say that politics are not important.
We're called to seek justice as believers.
And so it is so human
and right that we would
want to implement peace and justice and equality and how that ends up being
(08:06):
done because we're humans are practical laws and ideas around how things should
be enforced and expectations that we have for humanity.
So both of these things, I think, can be held in tension.
This idea that God shows us through Jesus Christ, this model of having an eternal
(08:27):
perspective, and how as humans,
we're in this place where we're also called to live, have families within the
communities that we're a part of.
And so engaging politically is a part of being good citizens,
things like voting, things like advocating for issues that you really believe in.
(08:50):
And again, what becomes tense is that we're all human, and we are doing the
best that we can on implementing what those ideas are.
I'm so sorry if there's like a bird right outside of my window.
I'm so sorry if that's distracting for you all. I'm going to try to push through.
But the reason, yeah, it's just tense because we don't all agree on the same things.
(09:13):
And there's a group of people that thinks it should be done one way and another
group that should be done another way.
And then thousands and thousands of people that think it should be all sorts
of different ways that just hold no political power.
So that is just the human landscape that we're in as Christians.
We're just trying our best to navigate this fallen, sinful world.
(09:39):
So how do we do this well in dating? I'm going to move into the tip section,
some just practical ideas for you all.
So number one, this is what I want all of my listeners to be doing,
is to first do a self-assessment.
Where are you politically and why? Why are certain issues important to you?
(10:00):
Why are certain candidates important to you?
And just take a moment to be mindful, create a list of what issues are priority
issues and what issues are things that you can be more flexible on.
This will help you navigate who is more compatible for you to be with.
If you are on either far extreme of the spectrum, then chances are you're going
(10:26):
to want to be with someone who is also like-minded in those ways.
And if that is the case, then it is your responsibility to be clear about how
you represent yourself on dating sites and when you're getting to know someone
so that you're not wasting anyone's time to being able to say, hey, hi, I'm so-and-so.
I am a staunch believer in this political party.
(10:49):
This is important to me, and I'm looking for someone who wants to implement
those value systems too and to raise our children in that way.
If you are going through this self-assessment and you find yourself having a
bit more flexibility or you're comfortable with unknowns, which most people,
may I remind you, in the United States fall somewhere within the middle.
(11:11):
I know it's hard to remember that because media thrives on, well,
fear, fear sells, unfortunately, thrives on fear and thrives on extreme ideas and conflict.
And so you might look at the political landscape through a news outlet lens
and think, oh, the world is in peril.
(11:34):
Everyone is on one side and everyone else is completely on the other.
And I think in reality, we're a lot more aligned somewhere within the middle,
the majority of people, obviously, you do have those that are on either extremes.
So if you are a more moderate human being, then you have some flexibility,
most likely, in how you date people.
(11:54):
And this is where coming to the table, approaching this conversation with some sensitivity,
have curiosity about the way that you ask questions to people that you're dating
in a non-judgmental way,
and to let people get to know you and the issues that are important to you in
a way that is not trying to change their mind or preach to them,
(12:17):
but to let them know things that are important to you.
I want to remind you all that dating is not the place where we try to change other people.
I'm literally in the business of changing, helping people come alongside them
when they desire change for their behaviors and thought life.
(12:38):
And let me tell you, It is a very...
Not impossible, obviously, but it's a nuanced, difficult process.
And the people that come to me want the change. If you're on a date,
most likely someone is not saying, oh, I really want to go out with so-and-so
because they're really going to teach me about such and such topic.
No, it's important that you're evaluating and dating the person that's right
(13:02):
in front of you and not the idealized version of that person.
This is a big mistake that we all can get into really easily is getting to know
someone and then making exceptions or rationalizing some of their behaviors away by saying like,
oh, if they just dot, dot, dot, then they would be the right person for me.
(13:25):
It's important that you date with eyes wide open and you take the person in
front of you very seriously.
So let me review this. Self-assessment, know where you are on the political spectrum.
If you are on a far end of the spectrum, let people know that earlier on in
the dating process, because that will seem like non-negotiable issues.
(13:47):
For everyone else somewhere within the middle, you also might have some non-negotiable
topics that are important to you.
Bring those up early in dating so that you know, just like faith,
we filter out things all the time when we're dating people. Are you a smoker?
Are you a drinker? Are you a believer?
What do you do for work? What is your location?
(14:10):
And so politics might be something too that you add to that list to help you
make an informed decision.
I want all of you, no matter where you fall on the political spectrum,
to be showing Christ in the way that you treat one another, which is remembering
that every human when you talk to as an image bearer of God and to show respect,
(14:34):
even if you don't agree with one another, remembering that you're not going
to change someone's mind.
So this idea of debating is a fruitless effort for the most part,
unless someone is asking you, tell me more about that conversation.
Tell me more about that topic.
Unless you're canvassing and it is your current role to go try to inform individuals
(14:57):
of the person or issue that you're advocating for.
I want you all to just have curiosity and a non-judgmental tone around the person.
Around the people that you are dating, and to be able to walk away from any
of these dating experiences knowing that you treated somebody really well.
(15:18):
It is so important that we don't get lost in the here and now.
We are in the now and not yet of the story of scripture.
This is not the new heavens and the new earth. And sometimes we can get overly
focused on trying to make things perfect now without taking a step back and
(15:41):
knowing that this is not the place where all things are redeemed,
that some things are going to be redeemed here, that God is going to engage
with us and have moments in time where we feel him palpably.
But this is not eternity.
We're not on the other side of eternity where God has made all things new.
And so we're going to expect that most people are going to get things wrong,
(16:04):
including ourselves, that we're going to be doing our best and that there's
going to be tension right now. And that's okay.
We're going to just accept it. And we're not going to try to change it because
trying to change that again is such a fruitless effort that's going to take from you.
And this leads me to my next tip for you all is that if you do get triggered,
(16:27):
if you're on a date, having a great meal with someone that you like,
and they bring up a topic that you feel so passionately about,
and they don't see it your way, I want you to prepare for this moment,
or just keep this in mind for if this moment happens.
Take a second to recalibrate yourself.
(16:50):
Remember that when we're triggered, it usually has something to do with us introspectively
rather than it does something external.
It is externally caused if someone is attempting to be offensive to you or saying
something combative with the heart of harming you or hurting your feelings.
(17:12):
If someone is just curious or having a thoughtful intellectual debate on something
and you are getting your heart is racing, you're feeling really charged up,
I want you to do a couple of things.
You can pause, take a sip of water, say that you need to go to the bathroom,
walk away, catch your breath.
(17:34):
Try to recalibrate yourself. It is okay to end a date early or end a phone conversation
early if you're not in the right headspace.
There's no need to project anything that's going on inside of you onto another
person or to let the worst parts of you be acted on on a date.
We all have moments where we get really fired up, especially when it comes to things like justice.
(17:59):
Political issues, Again, get to the heart of things we believe the most about
the world, wanting peace, wanting justice, wanting happiness,
wanting safety, wanting an opportunity to have a home for our future children
that is going to be good and prosperous.
(18:20):
Those are all wonderful desires to have, and they can be very triggering concepts. steps.
So take a breath, go to the bathroom, end a call, prepare a script for yourself
to be able to say to someone, oh my goodness, I'm so sorry.
This conversation has really gotten under my skin and I'm having a great time
(18:40):
with you, but I think we should call it a night here.
And why don't we check in in the morning when we've gotten clear headed?
Have some kind of pause. Don't mess things up in a relationship based on a political
issue that is inflaming you.
Give the person that you're with an opportunity, especially if you're in a longer
(19:03):
term committed relationship, to explain, to get to the heart of why they see
something the way that they see it.
Don't just assume the worst things that you've heard about that issue.
Ask a lot of questions and see if you can come to some type of place of agreement.
You might see the implementation of a lot differently, but ours,
(19:25):
there's something about the
way that you see, you know, something like women's rights or gun safety.
You know, there's, these can be such polarized issues, but when you get to the
heart of it, what are the things that you agree on?
For an example, something like gun sense laws, someone might be a gun owner
and they also might believe in things like safe storage, And that might be on the same.
(19:49):
Wavelength of someone who is an advocate for things like gun sense laws.
And so don't just assume that someone who, in this example, is on either side
of the aisle either wants to abolish the Second Amendment or promote everyone having a firearm.
Things are much more nuanced than that. You have to remember that all of the
(20:09):
issues that come to the table, the reason that there are these long-standing,
hard-fought battles is because they're not black and white.
And if they were, It would be much more simpler to agree on and to resolve.
And that's just not the case. So get curious. Listen, I want to zoom out here
because something that I've thought about in this episode, and let me tell you,
(20:34):
I've wanted to get this right.
I have recorded and re-recorded this episode what feels like a hundred times.
So I really hope this is the one that reaches you all because I want to be so
sensitive with all of these topics and even giving examples makes me so nervous
because I don't want to offend anyone.
That's just not the point of this show.
(20:58):
And I've been thinking a lot about 2020. And we did an episode during that 2020 year,
if you want to go back and listen to that episode And as a fellow citizen and as a therapist,
seeing how 2020 affected the mental health of at least our nation,
(21:21):
you know, I can't speak for anyone outside of the United States,
although I know many of you do listen,
who are not just U.S.-based people.
Having everything that took place in 2020, that was our last presidential election.
We had COVID going on and a lot of differences around the science and differences
(21:45):
around how to implement things like vaccinations and just so much differences.
Says, I'm in California.
There were fires going on at the time.
And obviously there are things with social justice.
And all of those issues had to be addressed.
(22:06):
I am not one for encouraging anyone to bury their head in the sand.
And the toll that it took on humanity was so great.
And I don't want us to walk into another election season holding our breath
and getting so wrapped up in what's happening outside of our small lives to
(22:29):
the point that it harms our mental health.
Now please hear the nuance there. This is not to disparage any hot topic issues.
What I'm promoting is a balance so that you're able to stay engaged in the world
around you and be well-informed,
but also be a functional human being who's not spiraled into depression or anxiety
(22:54):
because of the chaos around you.
And so the last thing I'm going to do on our episode today is to give you all
some pointers around how to take care of yourself so that you do stay in a balanced state.
One is to limit your exposure and time on the news or doom scrolling.
(23:17):
Have a set time. Think about it even in this moment. How much time a day sounds
realistic to you? Is that 10 minutes to be informed?
Is that 30 minutes to watch your favorite political news anchor or NPR episode?
Whatever that is, have that time in mind and hold yourself to it because there's
(23:37):
going to be days where the news cycle is just rolling one headline after another.
And if we're not careful, then we end up sacrificing our relationships and our
focus on job or other responsibilities to stay on top of that news cycle.
And you have to remember that people in the media and journalists want to keep
(23:58):
our attention, right? They want clicks on articles.
They want our eyes on the news outlets.
And so be mindful not to get sucked in. Remember, this is a balance,
how to stay informed and how to engage in the other parts of your life.
And so that step two is practice that balance. Do the things that you enjoy.
(24:20):
It's okay to step away. It's okay to go move your body, exercise,
get outdoors, be in community, engage in spiritual disciplines.
You can utilize all the fears that come up in your heart as guides for how you pray.
And you can ask God for wisdom for our nation.
(24:42):
You can ask God for things like peace. You can ask God for peace over your own heart.
The fears that politics can bring can be like existential fears,
fears that that the next wrong leader is going to, you know,
take our whole world into chaos or another,
(25:04):
you know, world war,
or that there's going to be some kind of atrophy that's going to happen with human existence.
That stuff is really scary, but we can bring it to the cross.
We can bring that to God and say, hey, I heard this news today and it really scared me.
I'm really afraid of the end of the world, or I'm really afraid of conflict,
or I'm really afraid of, you know, personal harm, bring that to God.
(25:28):
God is with you. He loves you. We believe in a present.
Holy Spirit, who is your advocate, who goes to the Father on your behalf.
And so please be in prayer, my friends, in this season.
Again, number three, I'm going to reiterate this, is to have some polite ways
(25:48):
to excuse yourself out of conversations.
You could use this with family members and co-workers as well as dates.
Think about it in advance.
If you know you're going to go see, you know, Aunt Sue who has all these wacky
ideas on X, Y, and Z, and it's, you know, Aunt Sue's going to bring some hot
topics up to you, have a game plan.
(26:11):
Have some other conversation fodder that you want to talk with Aunt Sue about.
Ask her a couple questions about whatever, her dogs, her vacations,
and then find ways out when those conversations come up that maybe you don't
want to be a part of, or you just want to be a part for a little bit,
you can change the subject.
You can say, hey, Aunt Sue, I've been, you know, really sensitive to these topics lately.
(26:36):
Can we talk about something else? Or can we talk about this later?
You can excuse yourself from the room. Doing something like going to the bathroom
is a really easy way to disrupt a conversation.
And then when you get out of the restroom, you can go to a different part of the room.
So have some exit strategies that are polite and respectful that you can use
(26:56):
in an array of environments.
If you find yourself in distress, in more distress than.
You can manage and distress to a point that other areas of your life are suffering,
then these are some things I want you to consider.
(27:16):
One, talk with a therapist. A therapist is a great safe space to talk about your ideals,
knowing that your therapist's job is not to contradict you or embed any of their
ideas in the conversation.
An asterisk here, if you have a therapist who who embeds their ideas or imposes
(27:37):
their political stance, then that is not an ethical therapist.
In that moment, they've just crossed a line. And so find someone else.
That's not how we're trained.
It's not how we should be. We ought to be holding space for you to talk about
complex ideas and how politics are affecting you and your mental health and your relationships.
Talk with someone about it. Do some journaling throughout the conversation today.
(28:02):
I've given in you all some things to think about. Those are great journal prompts.
Thinking about things like your value system, prioritizing the difference between
morality and governance, thinking about what you can handle in terms of a compatible partner.
Planning for exit strategies for when you get out of balance when someone brings
(28:26):
up an issue that you know is tense and that you don't agree on.
Think about exit strategies for holidays that are upcoming in the fall.
Give yourself a plan for how to limit the overexposure to news.
Think about some balance strategies for doing things that make you feel the
most like you. Simple things like what's your favorite song?
(28:49):
Turn your favorite song on. Usually that small thing can shift your mood and
help you to just Just have a different way of thinking and being in your body.
Obviously, my therapist, I know that's not going to solve all your problems to turn on song,
but sometimes something simple as having an upbeat tune or something that resonates
(29:09):
with you shifts the way that your mind is thinking and gives you an opportunity
to do something else, to get out of your head and to go somewhere else in your house,
to walk outside, to just shift your perspective.
Perspective number three here is to
bring these things to god four is
following the steps of balance that we already went over
(29:32):
and yeah maybe there's
just four of them that i have written down but those are the things i want you
to think about is constantly be assessing how emotionally healthy that you feel
like you are we're in an era where mental health is at a place of of being epidemic in our culture.
(29:52):
And so please don't put any morality on yourself.
Like, don't condemn yourself if you're feeling depressed or overwhelmed. We are human.
These issues are hard and difficult when you're thinking about anything.
You know, when you're thinking about things like war or peace,
you're thinking about, you know, the existence of earth or resources,
(30:15):
humanity, borderlines.
I mean, there's so much here that can really unsettle us and get us into a place
where, yes, it makes sense to feel distressed. It makes sense.
And yeah, I'm not going to go into more examples because I don't want to get
into any kind of hot water, but I just want to validate that having,
just like going back to 2020,
(30:36):
it made sense that people were very dysregulated because of what was going on
and they wanted to get involved and they wanted their voices to be heard on
so many different issues.
And stay in balance, get engaged, validate your emotions, and also try to center
yourself so that your emotions are not overcoming you.
(30:56):
That means that we hold space for our emotional experiences and for our present moment.
It's not discounting our emotions and minimizing them just for the present moment,
and it's not overindulging in emotions and foregoing the present moment.
It's holding tension for both things still show up for your responsibilities
(31:17):
still be a good community member and a good dating partner let's see if there's
anything else in my notes here that i want to cover before we say goodbye.
The only thing I was going to say here is that I just want to acknowledge those
of you who are either working in a campaign, if you're a journalist,
if you're in any kind of political role, I understand that it's going to be
(31:43):
a little harder for you to find that balance because it is your job to be informed
and to talk about the politics on a regular basis.
Even more so for you when you're done working, when you're done with that news
piece, go outside, find other ways to connect with yourself and to connect with your spirituality,
connect with your community, connect with your body so that you're not,
(32:06):
we're all not just focused on this one area of life.
And guess what? This too will pass.
Nothing is new under the sun. Just like 2020 passed, that feels like a really
distant memory in a lot of ways, even though things aren't fully resolved from then.
You know, COVID is not as dominating our culture.
(32:27):
And I think people have mostly recovered from that really difficult time.
And guess what? 2024 will pass too.
And, you know, four years from now, eight years from now, 20 years from now,
50 years from now, we're going going to be focused on other things.
So put some perspective into this. I hope that you're all still able to engage
thoughtfully in dating. Have a good time.
(32:48):
Use dating as a place where you're able to have fun and have balance.
Talk about all sorts of other things.
Obviously, it's still summer, so hopefully you're traveling and able to,
you know, hang out with friends and engage in hobbies.
So I hope that this conversation was nurturing for you all.
I know that it's hard, But if you can walk away from this show more intentional
(33:12):
and better equipped to be thoughtful and respectful to your neighbor,
because we're called to love our neighbors as ourselves,
then I have done my job.
(33:38):
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