June 18, 2024 • 26 mins
Welcome back to Dateology with your host, Candice Thompson! In this episode, Candice celebrates six years of the podcast and dives into a topic that surprisingly hasn't been fully covered here before: online dating.
Candice discusses the importance of online dating in today's world, especially for those who may not have many opportunities to meet singles in person. She provides practical tips on how to navigate the online dating world, from choosing the right platform to creating an attractive and honest profile.
She also shares her thoughts on the recent controversial Bumble marketing campaign and why certain dating apps may or may not be suitable for finding meaningful relationships. Candice emphasizes the significance of knowing your worth and setting clear expectations to avoid burnout and disappointment.
For those looking to dip their toes back into the dating pool or improve their online dating experience, this episode offers valuable advice and encouragement. Tune in to learn how to make the most out of online dating and set yourself up for success in finding a compatible partner.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:03):
Hello, Dataology community. This is your host, Candice Thompson,
and I am back with some fresh content.
I want to thank everyone who's stuck around for the last six years to hear episodes.
Music.
That we're releasing now.
It is such an honor and a privilege to be with you all today.
One thing that I was realizing, because it has been over six years since Matt
(00:27):
and I launched this podcast was that you might not be in a single season of
your life if you started with us that many years ago, and you might still be.
But what I would love to ask of all the listeners out there is to help us relaunch this community.
If you have some single friends that you think would benefit from this content,
(00:49):
please do not hesitate to share episodes with them.
Especially today's content, I think will be one that singles would love to hear.
We're going to be talking about online dating, which honestly,
I'm shocked that we've never covered this topic in a full episode in our whole
existence of Dateology before.
So we're going to talk about that today. I don't have any new information to
(01:13):
release on the dating conference that's coming up.
It will be either end of July, early August.
So I guess that's new timeframe, but I will release to you as soon as I have
the information, and then I can also share the church that I've been working
with to put this all together.
So stay tuned for that information to come.
(01:33):
Now, getting into the topic today, the reason that online dating has sparked my interest...
Two-fold. One, it's something that I talk about all the time with my clients
who are single and working through this process of dating in therapy together.
The other is I'd love to cover the new Bumble launched a marketing campaign
(01:57):
that was launched and then received a lot of negative heat.
And I believe that they have retracted the new campaign because of all the negative press.
But I would love to talk about the commercial and ads that they put out and
then give you all some real practical tips and tools on how to navigate the online dating world.
(02:18):
That's what we're going to do today. So let me be honest with you.
Out of all the clients I have ever worked with on dating, I have not once had
any client or friend and real person in real life who's been excited about the
prospect of online dating.
So if this topic makes your stomach turn a little bit, I understand that it
(02:39):
is a necessary evil, especially in this day and age if you have graduated college
already and maybe you're working
from home, there might not be a lot of opportunities to meet singles.
If your church doesn't have an abundant young adults group, if you're around
people that are already coupled up or married, it's just difficult to find spaces
(03:01):
out there to meet other singles in real time.
And so online dating just has become a really good platform to get out there and to date.
Now, you know, really good. Take that with a grain of salt.
What I mean by that is one way that I coach my clients when they're ready to
date is to do online platforms.
(03:23):
Because not only does this put you in a position to meet more singles through
the platform, but it also is a great practice of getting your mind.
Just recognizing dating, getting more comfortable with the prospect of dating
and putting yourself out there.
So by going on dates with people that you meet on these platforms,
(03:44):
you also might recognize that you're feeling more confident,
maybe giving eye contact with others in a coffee shop and just generally saying
to the world that I am open and I'm available to this dating season of my life.
So it's one reason why online dating is a really practical way to do that,
to signify that I'm going to be dating.
(04:05):
So let's talk about the Bumble commercials and content that's been out there.
So if you haven't seen this already, you certainly can Google it or you can just listen.
They launched a commercial that was about a woman who was so frustrated with
the online dating, she decided to become celibate and booked herself into a nunnery.
(04:28):
And as she's at this nunnery, She starts seeing some good-looking gardener and
starts having lustful thoughts for him.
And the head nun comes up to her, hands her a phone, basically indicating,
this celibate life is not for you. Go back out there and date.
So Bumble has gotten a lot of backlash from that and other ads that they've
(04:50):
put out basically saying like, women, there's a culture of celibacy and celibacy
is not for you. You really want to go hook up and date.
That has not been well received by their female clientele.
And I believe that they have retracted that campaign. pain.
What's interesting to me about hearing that for the first time and thinking
(05:12):
about Bumble, Bumble is not a platform that I recommend my clients to use.
And the reason for that is the constant swiping, I don't think it's good for
the brain because you're constantly looking at new images that has a greater
potential to objectify other people and to start getting
into this frame of mind of like,
(05:34):
who's better looking and not focusing on actual content.
Character traits, value system, that's important for long-term relationships.
And so they could breed a lot more hookup culture.
I know that they, I don't know if this is still how they operate,
but women are the ones that get to initiate on Bumble.
(05:54):
And while that might seem, you know, empowering.
I think that was at least earlier messaging that women didn't have to be constantly
messaged by men and the ball was in their court.
But I also think then there isn't like the pursuing factors about it.
And probably a lot of his exhaustion took place in that process.
(06:15):
And there is a movement culturally around people choosing celibacy,
which I think is a great thing As a believer, if you're dating and choosing a celibate course,
yeah, I don't want to get into the spiritual aspects of that.
I think everyone knows where we stand on dateology.
(06:36):
But even for non-believers to be able to say like the hookup culture is not
edifying. It's not for me.
It's not a holistic way of living.
As a therapist, I can tell you that when you do have sex with people,
even casually, your brain doesn't know the difference between casual sex and intimate love.
And so hormones are still released to create attachment and feelings of intimacy to another partner.
(07:01):
And that's really confusing for our psyches if the intention was casual and then feelings develop.
So I'm all on board for this culture of celibacy.
And clearly that did not work
for the growth business model of Bumble but the
it seems like the their commercials
came across as shaming and were
(07:23):
just not helpful so that's why this topic has come to mind and then it made
me think hey dateology hasn't talked about online dating it's something that
a lot of singles have to do it's not always pleasant and so let's just dive
in and And I want to give you, basically, this is what I tell my clients.
What I'm going to share with you today is if you were in my office,
(07:43):
we were talking about the next step in your dating, and maybe you haven't created
a platform yet, or you're on the platform, just feeling discouraged.
I'm going to go through with you how I coach my clients through choosing platforms,
choosing Choosing your content for your own profile page and then how to filter
(08:06):
people out through the process.
So as you know, not all platforms are the same.
I wish that I had like one to recommend to you today.
I have heard things about Upword, which is newer to me, but as a faith-based
(08:27):
platform, I know that eHarmony has a faith-based option. conversation,
Coffee Meets Bagel is known for serious relationships.
So those are three that I would be interested in people looking into.
Hinge maybe would be the fourth. And then all of the other sites that I know
of are known for being in a hookup culture.
(08:50):
So choose a site, do some research, read some reviews.
You want to find a site that has filters that either is based on things like.
Religion and values where you can choose people's lifestyle within the filters,
things like do you drink, do you smoke, and all that's really important to be
able to filter out when you're in this process.
(09:12):
So choosing sites that have that kind of option is a recommendation and reading reviews.
Once you've chosen a site, before you set up your profile, please go through
your photos and make sure that you have some photos that display who you are
and what you're actually looking for.
(09:32):
If you are looking for a long-term relationship, please filter out any of your
photos that show you clubbing or partying or with a drink in hand that just
isn't putting your personal branding out there if you're wanting some stable
connection and relationship.
So always having a headshot picture of you, travel pics are great,
(09:58):
hiking, any kind of activity that you love, have a friend go do it with you
and ask them to snap a photo.
If you love to go golfing, ask your friend to take a picture of you the next time you go golfing.
If you have a dog, take a picture with your dog, but making sure the photos match your intention.
This might seem like a really simple, obvious suggestion, but let me tell you
(10:20):
how many times I've worked with clients And I always ask, can I see your profile?
Because I want to be able to filter out if the things that they're saying about
themselves and the pictures they're choosing are working toward their goals.
And a lot of times I have looked at those profiles and have to give critiques
because the pictures are not in alignment with what people are looking for and
(10:45):
how they want to portray themselves.
So that is number one tip. The second tip I want to give to you is putting profiles
together can be a really daunting task.
If it feels emotionally heavy to you, let me tell you, you're not alone.
I constantly have to be working clients up to this point.
To this goal. Yeah, it's really, it's just really difficult and hard.
(11:08):
I think hearing myself say that it's like, I'm not trying to force my clients
to have online dating profiles, but to get to the point of people having themselves
out there for dating and creating those profiles, it's just not always a desirable process.
And so it can take lots of sessions and months to work people through the hesitation they might feel.
(11:30):
So the second tip is make it fun, make this process work for you invite a few
friends over once you've got your pictures,
have a glass of wine or whatever kind of
beverage is fun for you and and allow your friends to be part of the process
that way you can laugh make it light-hearted put some pictures up there talk
(11:50):
about yourself and then it's done then the next step is going to be matching
with people now Now, something that I recommend,
certainly don't hold yourself back with matching.
Don't let yourself be limited by photos alone. I don't know how many times in
my own dating history that someone who might not have been attractive from a
(12:12):
picture when I meet them in real life, because of their energy and their personality,
they can be very attractive.
So don't limit yourself by looks alone.
Read through profiles. Look for keywords that match what you're looking for.
If someone says they're a believer, look through the content to see if they
mention anything about their belief system, about going to church,
(12:34):
any volunteerships that they do.
And of course, you'll filter that out more when you go on those first dates.
But read through it. Take it seriously. You don't have to go on all the dates.
Go on the dates that feel like the people have the best opportunity to be a
good, healthy experience.
(12:55):
If you've been on this, listening to this podcast for a long time,
or if you've been a client of mine, you have heard me compare this process to
the job interviewing process.
So when you're looking at jobs, you're going to maybe spread your resume in
a lot of different places.
Of course, you want to filter out jobs you would never take and only put your
(13:18):
resume in ones that you'd be interested in taking an initial call.
Then those initial contacts are usually going to be from an HR person.
They're going to be light, quick conversations, making sure you are who you said you are.
Then the next interview is going to be probably from a hiring manager.
That person is going to ask more detailed questions about you to assess if you
(13:39):
would be the right person for the job.
And then as you do the subsequent interviews, the information is going to get
more serious to know if you're a good compatible fit and if you too should commit
to this job offer process.
Matching that with online dating, the first contact is always going to be very light.
(14:01):
I recommend humor and keeping the conversation at surface level.
The first time that you're going to have the on-app connections is going to
be, you know, hi, how are you?
And light conversations back and forth.
Now, what I recommend from here is if conversations have been going good for
(14:21):
a while and you want to go on a date with someone. My third tip that I have
for you all is to do filter calls.
Filter calls are kind of like that HR call where you're going to just listen
for, does this person sound like the person that they've put on their profile?
I'm not talking about catfishing here, which of course, this step helps to filter
(14:42):
out anyone who is catfishing you.
But its intention is to make sure, does this person sound like they're talking
about things that line up with my belief system? Are they respectful?
Do they sound interesting? Are we getting along well?
Are they respectful to the things that I have to say? Are they a good listener?
(15:03):
Those basic qualities that allow you to say at the end of the call,
hmm, I either could never talk to that person again. No harm, no foul.
Or I would like to spend more time with them and go to coffee,
go to lunch, what have you.
So I recommend those filtering calls because it can help save you a lot of time.
(15:24):
Otherwise, you could be going on lots of different dates. And let me tell you
a story from my personal experience.
Long ago when I was single and I was doing online dating, I remember matching with someone.
And when I got to the date, And this is a horrible story.
And I wish Matt was here just so we can like laugh about how ridiculous this is together.
But we got, I got to the date and very, very quickly, like within minutes,
(15:48):
I knew I did not want to be here.
This was the waste of my time. And I basically, I'm not recommending this.
This is why I want you to do the filter calls and do your due diligence on the
front end. but basically was like, oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm gonna end the date here.
And I'm not saying that was the most honoring thing to do. It's a silly story
(16:09):
because I was just excited at that time in my life to be dating a lot but it
was a waste of that person's time and a waste of my time and saying instead,
hey, can we jump on a call for a couple minutes?
Love to chat with you in real time. That could have saved us both.
Yeah, driving downtown San Francisco and meeting up somewhere.
(16:31):
So that is my third tip for you.
Then following the progression of just how job interviews work,
you're going to keep the information, like to start on a first date,
and then build up over time.
Red flags for dating anyone, however you meet them, are going to be if someone
(16:53):
is divulging too much information about themselves early on.
If it doesn't seem like they have good boundaries about their own personal content,
if it seems like they're trauma dumping to you, those are red flags.
If someone shows up drunk on a date or drinks too much on a date,
take their behavior seriously.
What they're showing you initially is going to be a key indicator of how they
(17:17):
are going to be later on in the relationship. Now, it's not a one-for-one course.
Someone could drink too much on a first date and that could be a one-off thing.
But don't be blinded in the process.
If they're respectful to waiters or waitresses, if they're kind to you, those are good signs.
If they're disparaging at all or disrespectful on either end,
(17:38):
take note of that and you don't have to continue on to additional dates.
Now, one thing I hear time and time again with online dating is this criticism
that the only people that are out there are looking for hooking up culture.
And I guarantee you that is not the case. I have both men and women in my practice
(17:58):
who are online looking for honest, quality human beings to date and spend time with.
And so I know for certain that isn't the truth.
And there are people out there that are just looking for casual experiences
or hooking up. And so filter that out.
If someone asks you for a picture of yourself, any type of picture of yourself
(18:22):
before you've met them, that would be a red flag to me.
If they're flirting in a way that feels disrespectful, that's a red flag to me.
If they're making any comments about your body or their body,
take all of that really seriously.
It's easier to say no to additional dates or no to a first date than it is to
(18:47):
get attached to someone over the course of experiences and then to have to say no earlier on.
Set yourself up for success. So yes, we know people are out there with different intentions.
You're out there with good intentions. The best client I've ever seen go through
the online dating process knew their worth.
(19:10):
Put expectations on their profile around around like education,
types of career, value systems, and the dates that this person went on versus my other clients.
Just strikingly different, where some of my clients were being mistreated on
dates and, you know, getting, yeah, just having terrible experiences.
(19:35):
And this client was having quality dates with quality people and felt really respected.
And it's interesting to see this happening, you know, similar sites,
similar demographics, but part of this is knowing knowing your worth,
expecting good things as outcomes, and not letting yourself accept.
Talking to people or going on dates where there's already any kind of red flags.
(19:59):
If you have to do mental gymnastics to explain away someone's behavior,
that is an indication that this person is not a good fit for you or just not worth your time.
Those are my tips today. I imagine there's more things that could be talked
about with online dating.
But what I would love for anyone listening to get out of this conversation is
(20:20):
if you haven't done it in a while and you felt that nagging voice in your head
that, yes, I should put a profile together and try online dating again, try it. Try these tips.
Try a good quality site and give it a shot from a new perspective.
Perspective allow the process to be light-hearted see
what comes out of it another great idea is to not let this process overwhelm
(20:46):
you set time frames for it the same way that you might when you're looking for
a job set a specific amount of time every day now with a job especially if you're
unemployed that time might be very large you know five hours a day that you're
looking for a job But here,
when you're looking for a partner or a first date,
limit yourself to 20 minutes a day.
(21:06):
Check your connections, have some quick conversations, and then allow yourself
to shift your focus onto other things.
The intention here is not to burn you out or discourage you from this process.
I think that's part of what's happening with Bumble is women are getting burnt
out in this process. And I'm sure it's not just women. I know it's not just women.
(21:28):
I say that because their ad was specifically targeted to the women that are
leaving their site. People get burnt out with this process.
In an ideal world, there would be lots more opportunities to meet others in
person and to make those connections in real time.
And I think some of that is happening now that COVID is no longer a social limitation for most people.
(21:54):
You know, certainly if you are not getting what you want from online dating, try other things.
Try other churches that might have a larger single population just to go and
meet other people, expand your network, see who might be out there,
sports, gyms, meetup groups, hobbies.
(22:15):
Volunteerships, charities, take a class online or not online.
Line sorry take a class in person somewhere anything
that you can do to increase your chances to be around other
people and i think online dating has some
some good qualities to
(22:36):
it it allows you to filter it allows you
to maximize your opportunities the same way that like a site like indeed maximizes
your opportunities to see what jobs are out there rather than having to to go
door to door like we had to do back in like the early 2000s.
(22:57):
I remember looking for jobs back in the early 2000s, late 90s,
and yeah, having to show up in person with my paper resumes in hand.
And that takes a lot more work than it does to go on a site,
put in your information, use filters, and then apply for what's out there.
So look at this similarly the way that you might look at a job.
(23:20):
Try not to take the process seriously.
Remember that the other people doing this are just like you. They're probably busy.
They have other things on their mind. They're looking for a good quality catch.
And yes, people will ghost you on here. Part of that's just the culture.
I wish it weren't, but try not to take that seriously.
(23:41):
The people that are going to be ghosting you might not be personal.
They might have started dating someone else and they're,
let their apps kind of fade into the distance over time. They might be busy.
They might not know how to be confrontational and say they're no longer interested.
There's a whole host of reasons that don't have anything to do with you personally.
(24:04):
So I wish you well in this process. As you always know, if you want to reach
out to me one-on-one for some dating coaching, I do that as a part of of my psychotherapy.
So I'm not a coach. But if you were wanting to do this process,
we would dive deep into attachment and boundaries and all sorts of rich things
(24:25):
that can help set you up for success.
And coaching can be a part underneath an umbrella. So like I've mentioned today,
a lot of my process with singles includes things like how to get you in the
door for being in spaces where where there's more singles,
how to navigate online dating,
how to build up that confidence so that you're going into dating, knowing your worth.
(24:49):
It's a huge, huge part of it is knowing what you have to offer so that you're
not second guessing yourself or allowing yourself to be matched up with people
that aren't treating you well.
I hope that this information was empowering for you today.
And please as always like subscribe share this messages with other people in
(25:14):
the past to generate some money from datology we've done oh gosh i can't even
think of what that site is now.
Patreon and i don't want to do that i really don't want
to take anybody's money i feel like podcasts are
a great free resource what i would love to do is add some ads
on here to get ads i need a few more followers
(25:36):
to qualify for that on podbeam so it would help me out greatly to keep this
as a free service to you all spread the information to some friends and i look
forward to seeing you all here just in a couple weeks thanks so much for following along cheers.
Music.
Hello, Dataology community. This is your host, Candice Thompson,
and I am back with some fresh content.
I want to thank everyone who's stuck around for the last six years to hear episodes.
Music.
That we're releasing now.
It is such an honor and a privilege to be with you all today.
One thing that I was realizing, because it has been over six years since Matt
(00:27):
and I launched this podcast was that you might not be in a single season of
your life if you started with us that many years ago, and you might still be.
But what I would love to ask of all the listeners out there is to help us relaunch this community.
If you have some single friends that you think would benefit from this content,
(00:49):
please do not hesitate to share episodes with them.
Especially today's content, I think will be one that singles would love to hear.
We're going to be talking about online dating, which honestly,
I'm shocked that we've never covered this topic in a full episode in our whole
existence of Dateology before.
So we're going to talk about that today. I don't have any new information to
(01:13):
release on the dating conference that's coming up.
It will be either end of July, early August.
So I guess that's new timeframe, but I will release to you as soon as I have
the information, and then I can also share the church that I've been working
with to put this all together.
So stay tuned for that information to come.
(01:33):
Now, getting into the topic today, the reason that online dating has sparked my interest...
Two-fold. One, it's something that I talk about all the time with my clients
who are single and working through this process of dating in therapy together.
The other is I'd love to cover the new Bumble launched a marketing campaign
(01:57):
that was launched and then received a lot of negative heat.
And I believe that they have retracted the new campaign because of all the negative press.
But I would love to talk about the commercial and ads that they put out and
then give you all some real practical tips and tools on how to navigate the online dating world.
(02:18):
That's what we're going to do today. So let me be honest with you.
Out of all the clients I have ever worked with on dating, I have not once had
any client or friend and real person in real life who's been excited about the
prospect of online dating.
So if this topic makes your stomach turn a little bit, I understand that it
(02:39):
is a necessary evil, especially in this day and age if you have graduated college
already and maybe you're working
from home, there might not be a lot of opportunities to meet singles.
If your church doesn't have an abundant young adults group, if you're around
people that are already coupled up or married, it's just difficult to find spaces
(03:01):
out there to meet other singles in real time.
And so online dating just has become a really good platform to get out there and to date.
Now, you know, really good. Take that with a grain of salt.
What I mean by that is one way that I coach my clients when they're ready to
date is to do online platforms.
(03:23):
Because not only does this put you in a position to meet more singles through
the platform, but it also is a great practice of getting your mind.
Just recognizing dating, getting more comfortable with the prospect of dating
and putting yourself out there.
So by going on dates with people that you meet on these platforms,
(03:44):
you also might recognize that you're feeling more confident,
maybe giving eye contact with others in a coffee shop and just generally saying
to the world that I am open and I'm available to this dating season of my life.
So it's one reason why online dating is a really practical way to do that,
to signify that I'm going to be dating.
(04:05):
So let's talk about the Bumble commercials and content that's been out there.
So if you haven't seen this already, you certainly can Google it or you can just listen.
They launched a commercial that was about a woman who was so frustrated with
the online dating, she decided to become celibate and booked herself into a nunnery.
(04:28):
And as she's at this nunnery, She starts seeing some good-looking gardener and
starts having lustful thoughts for him.
And the head nun comes up to her, hands her a phone, basically indicating,
this celibate life is not for you. Go back out there and date.
So Bumble has gotten a lot of backlash from that and other ads that they've
(04:50):
put out basically saying like, women, there's a culture of celibacy and celibacy
is not for you. You really want to go hook up and date.
That has not been well received by their female clientele.
And I believe that they have retracted that campaign. pain.
What's interesting to me about hearing that for the first time and thinking
(05:12):
about Bumble, Bumble is not a platform that I recommend my clients to use.
And the reason for that is the constant swiping, I don't think it's good for
the brain because you're constantly looking at new images that has a greater
potential to objectify other people and to start getting
into this frame of mind of like,
(05:34):
who's better looking and not focusing on actual content.
Character traits, value system, that's important for long-term relationships.
And so they could breed a lot more hookup culture.
I know that they, I don't know if this is still how they operate,
but women are the ones that get to initiate on Bumble.
(05:54):
And while that might seem, you know, empowering.
I think that was at least earlier messaging that women didn't have to be constantly
messaged by men and the ball was in their court.
But I also think then there isn't like the pursuing factors about it.
And probably a lot of his exhaustion took place in that process.
(06:15):
And there is a movement culturally around people choosing celibacy,
which I think is a great thing As a believer, if you're dating and choosing a celibate course,
yeah, I don't want to get into the spiritual aspects of that.
I think everyone knows where we stand on dateology.
(06:36):
But even for non-believers to be able to say like the hookup culture is not
edifying. It's not for me.
It's not a holistic way of living.
As a therapist, I can tell you that when you do have sex with people,
even casually, your brain doesn't know the difference between casual sex and intimate love.
And so hormones are still released to create attachment and feelings of intimacy to another partner.
(07:01):
And that's really confusing for our psyches if the intention was casual and then feelings develop.
So I'm all on board for this culture of celibacy.
And clearly that did not work
for the growth business model of Bumble but the
it seems like the their commercials
came across as shaming and were
(07:23):
just not helpful so that's why this topic has come to mind and then it made
me think hey dateology hasn't talked about online dating it's something that
a lot of singles have to do it's not always pleasant and so let's just dive
in and And I want to give you, basically, this is what I tell my clients.
What I'm going to share with you today is if you were in my office,
(07:43):
we were talking about the next step in your dating, and maybe you haven't created
a platform yet, or you're on the platform, just feeling discouraged.
I'm going to go through with you how I coach my clients through choosing platforms,
choosing Choosing your content for your own profile page and then how to filter
(08:06):
people out through the process.
So as you know, not all platforms are the same.
I wish that I had like one to recommend to you today.
I have heard things about Upword, which is newer to me, but as a faith-based
(08:27):
platform, I know that eHarmony has a faith-based option. conversation,
Coffee Meets Bagel is known for serious relationships.
So those are three that I would be interested in people looking into.
Hinge maybe would be the fourth. And then all of the other sites that I know
of are known for being in a hookup culture.
(08:50):
So choose a site, do some research, read some reviews.
You want to find a site that has filters that either is based on things like.
Religion and values where you can choose people's lifestyle within the filters,
things like do you drink, do you smoke, and all that's really important to be
able to filter out when you're in this process.
(09:12):
So choosing sites that have that kind of option is a recommendation and reading reviews.
Once you've chosen a site, before you set up your profile, please go through
your photos and make sure that you have some photos that display who you are
and what you're actually looking for.
(09:32):
If you are looking for a long-term relationship, please filter out any of your
photos that show you clubbing or partying or with a drink in hand that just
isn't putting your personal branding out there if you're wanting some stable
connection and relationship.
So always having a headshot picture of you, travel pics are great,
(09:58):
hiking, any kind of activity that you love, have a friend go do it with you
and ask them to snap a photo.
If you love to go golfing, ask your friend to take a picture of you the next time you go golfing.
If you have a dog, take a picture with your dog, but making sure the photos match your intention.
This might seem like a really simple, obvious suggestion, but let me tell you
(10:20):
how many times I've worked with clients And I always ask, can I see your profile?
Because I want to be able to filter out if the things that they're saying about
themselves and the pictures they're choosing are working toward their goals.
And a lot of times I have looked at those profiles and have to give critiques
because the pictures are not in alignment with what people are looking for and
(10:45):
how they want to portray themselves.
So that is number one tip. The second tip I want to give to you is putting profiles
together can be a really daunting task.
If it feels emotionally heavy to you, let me tell you, you're not alone.
I constantly have to be working clients up to this point.
To this goal. Yeah, it's really, it's just really difficult and hard.
(11:08):
I think hearing myself say that it's like, I'm not trying to force my clients
to have online dating profiles, but to get to the point of people having themselves
out there for dating and creating those profiles, it's just not always a desirable process.
And so it can take lots of sessions and months to work people through the hesitation they might feel.
(11:30):
So the second tip is make it fun, make this process work for you invite a few
friends over once you've got your pictures,
have a glass of wine or whatever kind of
beverage is fun for you and and allow your friends to be part of the process
that way you can laugh make it light-hearted put some pictures up there talk
(11:50):
about yourself and then it's done then the next step is going to be matching
with people now Now, something that I recommend,
certainly don't hold yourself back with matching.
Don't let yourself be limited by photos alone. I don't know how many times in
my own dating history that someone who might not have been attractive from a
(12:12):
picture when I meet them in real life, because of their energy and their personality,
they can be very attractive.
So don't limit yourself by looks alone.
Read through profiles. Look for keywords that match what you're looking for.
If someone says they're a believer, look through the content to see if they
mention anything about their belief system, about going to church,
(12:34):
any volunteerships that they do.
And of course, you'll filter that out more when you go on those first dates.
But read through it. Take it seriously. You don't have to go on all the dates.
Go on the dates that feel like the people have the best opportunity to be a
good, healthy experience.
(12:55):
If you've been on this, listening to this podcast for a long time,
or if you've been a client of mine, you have heard me compare this process to
the job interviewing process.
So when you're looking at jobs, you're going to maybe spread your resume in
a lot of different places.
Of course, you want to filter out jobs you would never take and only put your
(13:18):
resume in ones that you'd be interested in taking an initial call.
Then those initial contacts are usually going to be from an HR person.
They're going to be light, quick conversations, making sure you are who you said you are.
Then the next interview is going to be probably from a hiring manager.
That person is going to ask more detailed questions about you to assess if you
(13:39):
would be the right person for the job.
And then as you do the subsequent interviews, the information is going to get
more serious to know if you're a good compatible fit and if you too should commit
to this job offer process.
Matching that with online dating, the first contact is always going to be very light.
(14:01):
I recommend humor and keeping the conversation at surface level.
The first time that you're going to have the on-app connections is going to
be, you know, hi, how are you?
And light conversations back and forth.
Now, what I recommend from here is if conversations have been going good for
(14:21):
a while and you want to go on a date with someone. My third tip that I have
for you all is to do filter calls.
Filter calls are kind of like that HR call where you're going to just listen
for, does this person sound like the person that they've put on their profile?
I'm not talking about catfishing here, which of course, this step helps to filter
(14:42):
out anyone who is catfishing you.
But its intention is to make sure, does this person sound like they're talking
about things that line up with my belief system? Are they respectful?
Do they sound interesting? Are we getting along well?
Are they respectful to the things that I have to say? Are they a good listener?
(15:03):
Those basic qualities that allow you to say at the end of the call,
hmm, I either could never talk to that person again. No harm, no foul.
Or I would like to spend more time with them and go to coffee,
go to lunch, what have you.
So I recommend those filtering calls because it can help save you a lot of time.
(15:24):
Otherwise, you could be going on lots of different dates. And let me tell you
a story from my personal experience.
Long ago when I was single and I was doing online dating, I remember matching with someone.
And when I got to the date, And this is a horrible story.
And I wish Matt was here just so we can like laugh about how ridiculous this is together.
But we got, I got to the date and very, very quickly, like within minutes,
(15:48):
I knew I did not want to be here.
This was the waste of my time. And I basically, I'm not recommending this.
This is why I want you to do the filter calls and do your due diligence on the
front end. but basically was like, oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm gonna end the date here.
And I'm not saying that was the most honoring thing to do. It's a silly story
(16:09):
because I was just excited at that time in my life to be dating a lot but it
was a waste of that person's time and a waste of my time and saying instead,
hey, can we jump on a call for a couple minutes?
Love to chat with you in real time. That could have saved us both.
Yeah, driving downtown San Francisco and meeting up somewhere.
(16:31):
So that is my third tip for you.
Then following the progression of just how job interviews work,
you're going to keep the information, like to start on a first date,
and then build up over time.
Red flags for dating anyone, however you meet them, are going to be if someone
(16:53):
is divulging too much information about themselves early on.
If it doesn't seem like they have good boundaries about their own personal content,
if it seems like they're trauma dumping to you, those are red flags.
If someone shows up drunk on a date or drinks too much on a date,
take their behavior seriously.
What they're showing you initially is going to be a key indicator of how they
(17:17):
are going to be later on in the relationship. Now, it's not a one-for-one course.
Someone could drink too much on a first date and that could be a one-off thing.
But don't be blinded in the process.
If they're respectful to waiters or waitresses, if they're kind to you, those are good signs.
If they're disparaging at all or disrespectful on either end,
(17:38):
take note of that and you don't have to continue on to additional dates.
Now, one thing I hear time and time again with online dating is this criticism
that the only people that are out there are looking for hooking up culture.
And I guarantee you that is not the case. I have both men and women in my practice
(17:58):
who are online looking for honest, quality human beings to date and spend time with.
And so I know for certain that isn't the truth.
And there are people out there that are just looking for casual experiences
or hooking up. And so filter that out.
If someone asks you for a picture of yourself, any type of picture of yourself
(18:22):
before you've met them, that would be a red flag to me.
If they're flirting in a way that feels disrespectful, that's a red flag to me.
If they're making any comments about your body or their body,
take all of that really seriously.
It's easier to say no to additional dates or no to a first date than it is to
(18:47):
get attached to someone over the course of experiences and then to have to say no earlier on.
Set yourself up for success. So yes, we know people are out there with different intentions.
You're out there with good intentions. The best client I've ever seen go through
the online dating process knew their worth.
(19:10):
Put expectations on their profile around around like education,
types of career, value systems, and the dates that this person went on versus my other clients.
Just strikingly different, where some of my clients were being mistreated on
dates and, you know, getting, yeah, just having terrible experiences.
(19:35):
And this client was having quality dates with quality people and felt really respected.
And it's interesting to see this happening, you know, similar sites,
similar demographics, but part of this is knowing knowing your worth,
expecting good things as outcomes, and not letting yourself accept.
Talking to people or going on dates where there's already any kind of red flags.
(19:59):
If you have to do mental gymnastics to explain away someone's behavior,
that is an indication that this person is not a good fit for you or just not worth your time.
Those are my tips today. I imagine there's more things that could be talked
about with online dating.
But what I would love for anyone listening to get out of this conversation is
(20:20):
if you haven't done it in a while and you felt that nagging voice in your head
that, yes, I should put a profile together and try online dating again, try it. Try these tips.
Try a good quality site and give it a shot from a new perspective.
Perspective allow the process to be light-hearted see
what comes out of it another great idea is to not let this process overwhelm
(20:46):
you set time frames for it the same way that you might when you're looking for
a job set a specific amount of time every day now with a job especially if you're
unemployed that time might be very large you know five hours a day that you're
looking for a job But here,
when you're looking for a partner or a first date,
limit yourself to 20 minutes a day.
(21:06):
Check your connections, have some quick conversations, and then allow yourself
to shift your focus onto other things.
The intention here is not to burn you out or discourage you from this process.
I think that's part of what's happening with Bumble is women are getting burnt
out in this process. And I'm sure it's not just women. I know it's not just women.
(21:28):
I say that because their ad was specifically targeted to the women that are
leaving their site. People get burnt out with this process.
In an ideal world, there would be lots more opportunities to meet others in
person and to make those connections in real time.
And I think some of that is happening now that COVID is no longer a social limitation for most people.
(21:54):
You know, certainly if you are not getting what you want from online dating, try other things.
Try other churches that might have a larger single population just to go and
meet other people, expand your network, see who might be out there,
sports, gyms, meetup groups, hobbies.
(22:15):
Volunteerships, charities, take a class online or not online.
Line sorry take a class in person somewhere anything
that you can do to increase your chances to be around other
people and i think online dating has some
some good qualities to
(22:36):
it it allows you to filter it allows you
to maximize your opportunities the same way that like a site like indeed maximizes
your opportunities to see what jobs are out there rather than having to to go
door to door like we had to do back in like the early 2000s.
(22:57):
I remember looking for jobs back in the early 2000s, late 90s,
and yeah, having to show up in person with my paper resumes in hand.
And that takes a lot more work than it does to go on a site,
put in your information, use filters, and then apply for what's out there.
So look at this similarly the way that you might look at a job.
(23:20):
Try not to take the process seriously.
Remember that the other people doing this are just like you. They're probably busy.
They have other things on their mind. They're looking for a good quality catch.
And yes, people will ghost you on here. Part of that's just the culture.
I wish it weren't, but try not to take that seriously.
(23:41):
The people that are going to be ghosting you might not be personal.
They might have started dating someone else and they're,
let their apps kind of fade into the distance over time. They might be busy.
They might not know how to be confrontational and say they're no longer interested.
There's a whole host of reasons that don't have anything to do with you personally.
(24:04):
So I wish you well in this process. As you always know, if you want to reach
out to me one-on-one for some dating coaching, I do that as a part of of my psychotherapy.
So I'm not a coach. But if you were wanting to do this process,
we would dive deep into attachment and boundaries and all sorts of rich things
(24:25):
that can help set you up for success.
And coaching can be a part underneath an umbrella. So like I've mentioned today,
a lot of my process with singles includes things like how to get you in the
door for being in spaces where where there's more singles,
how to navigate online dating,
how to build up that confidence so that you're going into dating, knowing your worth.
(24:49):
It's a huge, huge part of it is knowing what you have to offer so that you're
not second guessing yourself or allowing yourself to be matched up with people
that aren't treating you well.
I hope that this information was empowering for you today.
And please as always like subscribe share this messages with other people in
(25:14):
the past to generate some money from datology we've done oh gosh i can't even
think of what that site is now.
Patreon and i don't want to do that i really don't want
to take anybody's money i feel like podcasts are
a great free resource what i would love to do is add some ads
on here to get ads i need a few more followers
(25:36):
to qualify for that on podbeam so it would help me out greatly to keep this
as a free service to you all spread the information to some friends and i look
forward to seeing you all here just in a couple weeks thanks so much for following along cheers.
Music.
Popular Podcasts
CrimeLess: Hillbilly Heist
It’s 1996 in rural North Carolina, and an oddball crew makes history when they pull off America’s third largest cash heist. But it’s all downhill from there. Join host Johnny Knoxville as he unspools a wild and woolly tale about a group of regular ‘ol folks who risked it all for a chance at a better life. CrimeLess: Hillbilly Heist answers the question: what would you do with 17.3 million dollars? The answer includes diamond rings, mansions, velvet Elvis paintings, plus a run for the border, murder-for-hire-plots, and FBI busts.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.