373: What's it like treating Borderline Personality Disorder (pt. 2) (ft. Setareh Vatan)

A whole bunch of our clients have related with either parents or partners with BPD (or BPD traits). Here we go into even more depth around the origins of BPD, and what you can do as a partner if this is something you're contending with. We answer questions like:

• When you “cross” someone with BPD, they often want to punish you / make you suffer. Why?
• Why are folks with BPD traits so sensitive to rejection?
• Does BPD show up differently in women vs. men? We often hear about BPD women — why is that? 
• What do you do if you've noticed that your partner has BPD traits?
• How do you know when it's time to leave the relationship vs. stay and work on it?

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Come to the retreat!

It's August 8th - September 1st in Northern California (about 2 hours north of San Francisco). We work hard to keep it financially accessible, and payment plans are available.

As one man put it in this episode, “If you’re thinking about going, you’re already there.”

https://evolutionary.men/retreat/

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Work with us

Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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Mentioned on this episode:

• Dear Men episode 354: What it's like treating BPD (pt. 1)
• Setareh Vatan's Psychology Today profile
• Book: Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
• Book: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “Love alone doesn’t fix unaddressed wounds.”
• “When the inner experience feels unbearable, sometimes acting out anger feels like the only way to bridge the gap.”
• “‘I’m in pain; don’t leave me; come back.’”
• “Your partner is more than their defenses. That said, loving someone with BPD traits can be intense.”
• “Boundaries are not abandonment.”
• “‘I can see this feels really scary for you.’”
• “There’s usually a younger part asking, ‘Do I matter to you?’”
• “‘You matter to me. I’m not leaving you. I care when these things get hard.’”
• “This can erode your sense of self over time.”
• “I understand you feel abandoned when you don’t hear from me right away. I wasn’t ignoring you; I was in a meeting.”
• “Compassion for the person with BPD doesn’t mean excusing harm.”
• “BPD reflects unmet emotional needs and trauma.”
• “I’m the adult here that’s going to create that safety.”
• “I thought you were saying that I’m damaged, un-fixable, or broken.”
• “Underneath intensity is usually someone who longs for stability and connection.”
• “You can’t love someone’s pain away, but your steadiness, boundaries and compassion can make a difference.”
• “A healthy relationship requires BOTH people’s willingness to grow.”
• “I believe it’s possible for anyone to heal.”