479-Healing Sexual Sin & Shame through the Cross (and Curiosity): Interview with Jay Stringer

Healing Sexual Sin & Shame through the Cross (and Curiosity): Interview with Jay Stringer

There is something so incredible about a story of redemption. And, dear reader, I believe this conversation will be a turning point for you, as it has been for so many in our community.

I’ve walked alongside men and women wrestling with the deep pain of sexual brokenness- the battles they face in their marriage beds, their thought lives, their past, and the weight of shame. I’ve seen firsthand the power of God to restore what seemed utterly lost. And this conversation with Jay Stringer is an invitation to that very healing journey.

Jay is a therapist, minister, researcher, and author of Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing. His compassionate, curious approach offers a fresh lens: that the very behaviors we hate are not random. They are clues. And they point us to healing.

On this Good Friday, as we reflect on the sacrifice of Jesus, there is no better time to consider what it truly means to lay our shame at the foot of the cross.

Let’s dive in.

The Cross and Your Story of Healing

We all carry wounds. Some we’re acutely aware of, and others we’ve buried so deeply that they show up in our actions long before we recognize them in our hearts.

Jay opened our conversation by pointing us to the profound truth of the cross. Jesus knew exactly what you would do. Every mistake. Every moment of shame. And yet, He chose to take it all upon Himself. He bore your sin and your shame.

This is not a journey of trying harder to be good enough. It’s about understanding how deeply Jesus loves you, even in your lowest moments, and choosing to respond to His love with a courageous step toward healing.

Unwanted Behaviors: They Are Not Random

One of the most freeing truths Jay shared is this: our unwanted behaviors are not random.

Through his extensive clinical work and groundbreaking research, Jay discovered that the specific ways we struggle are deeply connected to our stories of origin.

Jay explained that in his role as the sex addiction therapist for the city of Seattle, he began to see patterns. Men arrested for soliciting sex were not making random choices. Their actions were connected to predictable stories of pain and trauma.

Whether you grew up in a home of neglect, where your heart longed for connection and was left empty, or in a home of rigid control, where you felt powerless and unseen, these early experiences shape the way you cope and the behaviors you pursue as an adult.

Your brain, your body, your desires are all responding to unhealed wounds.

Understanding the Root: Family Systems and the Power of Priming

Jay described two primary family systems that often set the stage for future struggles:

1. The Disengaged Family System:
   
   

   • Parents were physically or emotionally absent.
     
     

   • Your longing for connection was never fulfilled.
     
     

   • When you first experienced the neurochemical bond of pornography or sex, it felt like the deepest connection you had ever known.
     
     

2. The Rigid, Authoritarian Family System:
   
   

   • Parents were hyper-controlling, using performance or religion to shape you.
     
     

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