ERP 487: Staying Close Through Conflict: Strategies for Responding, Not Reacting — An Interview with Alyssa Scarano

About this Episode

Many couples find themselves caught in unproductive loops of reactivity, defensiveness, and miscommunication, often rooted in old patterns and unhealed wounds. If you’ve ever felt stuck repeating the same arguments, or struggled to respond with empathy instead of reacting on autopilot, you’re not alone. Conflict doesn’t have to drive you and your partner apart. In fact, the way you handle disagreements might be the very thing that brings you closer together or pushes you further away.

In this episode, you’ll discover practical strategies for staying close through conflict by learning to respond rather than react. You’ll hear about how early family dynamics shape our adult responses, why curiosity can be a game-changer, and why true empathy starts with self-compassion. Through insightful metaphors like comparing relationships to yoga practice or learning to slow down a speeding car—you’ll find tools to recognize when you’re becoming triggered, regulate your emotions, and open space for meaningful, connected conversations. Whether your relationship is feeling the strain of busy daily life or you simply want to deepen your ability to navigate challenges together, this episode offers actionable guidance for building lasting intimacy through the most difficult moments.

Alyssa Scarano, LPC, NCC, is the Founder and Clinical Director of The Collective Therapy & Wellness. Known for her empathetic and compassionate approach, Alyssa views her work as a profound privilege—an opportunity to be invited into the most intimate and vulnerable parts of her clients’ lives. Specializing in relationships, she is dedicated to helping individuals heal from childhood trauma, break generational patterns, and cultivate meaningful, authentic connections with others by first supporting them in fostering self-compassion.

Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.

Episode Highlights 

07:24 How family of origin shapes our conflict responses.

10:51 Understanding childhood defense mechanisms’ lasting impact in relationships.

11:52 Adaptive responses and personal growth.

15:25 Mindful resilience through yoga.

19:35 Impact of stress and daily life on relationship dynamics.

24:06 Mapping family history and trigger awareness in couples work.

28:51 Healing challenges and emotional triggers.

32:40 Relationship dynamics and challenges.

38:55 Managing emotions and setting boundaries when one partner does more emotional work.

41:43 Slowing down reactivity: practical tools for emotional awareness.

46:16 Concrete steps for repair and connection after conflict.

Mentioned

Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication

Connect with Alyssa Scarano

Websites: collective-therapy.com

Facebook: facebook.com/collective.therapy.wellness

Instagram: instagram.com/live.collective.wellness

Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins

Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship 

Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins 

Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/

Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation 

LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins 

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