October 30, 2022 • 40 mins
What is your definition for available? When you say you want a man who is available, what does it mean? And even more important, what does it mean when he says it? This is so key. And in today's episode, Coach Suzette talks about Ava Duvernay's anthology series, CHERISH THE DAY where two high school sweethearts, Sunday and Ellis, get a second chance at love. Right out the gate, however, they come face to face with availability.
If after listening to this episode, you wish to talk further about your relationship challenges and how working with Coach Suzette can help, contact me Here are some ways:
Email: suzette.vearnon@suzettesolutions.com
Website: suzettesolutions.com/contact-us
Calendar: calendly.com/suzettevearnon
Join her Facebook Group at facebook.com/groups/loveonyourterms.
Learn more/register for her Love On Your Terms Masterclass coming in November at suzettesolutions.com.
If after listening to this episode, you wish to talk further about your relationship challenges and how working with Coach Suzette can help, contact me Here are some ways:
Email: suzette.vearnon@suzettesolutions.com
Website: suzettesolutions.com/contact-us
Calendar: calendly.com/suzettevearnon
Join her Facebook Group at facebook.com/groups/loveonyourterms.
Learn more/register for her Love On Your Terms Masterclass coming in November at suzettesolutions.com.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:07):
What if you knew you are enough? What would your life look like?
What would love look like? Thisis the Enough at the broadcast where we're
redefining what makes you enough in life? And now here's your host, Suzette
(00:35):
Vernon. Hello everybody, it's yourlife coach and relationship solutionist Suzette Vernon and
welcome to My Enough Factor podcast.I so appreciate that, out of all
the podcasts you could be listening toright now, you decided to tune into
(00:58):
mine. And if you're new,what I want you to know is this
podcast is all about helping high achievingwomen over forty to redefine what makes them
enough on their own terms so theycan attract great love into their lives.
How do we do it. Weamplify three critical factors, your voice,
(01:26):
your value, and your vision.And so each week we challenge any ideology,
any liberty, belief, any disconnector compromise, or any story that
you're telling yourself that says otherwise.It is a cloudy and misty rain kind
(01:53):
of day, the perfect day tosnuggle up with something hot, to dream
and a good series. One ofthe ones that I have fallen in love
with is Cherished the day. Ididn't see season one, but I've begun
(02:15):
to watch season two. It's aboutthis couple. Sunday that's her name,
and the man is Ellis, Andthese are two individuals who were high school
sweethearts and then of course went ontaking different paths in life, and they
(02:38):
find themselves back in each other's companyagain. She is now an aspiring chef
who is on the road to becominga very famous one, right and he
was on the trajectory, I wouldsay, of being a professional athlete,
(03:00):
but then something happened and as aresult, he took up plumbing, got
married, and is now a singledad and soon to be divorced man will
their paths cross, and of coursethe chemistry and everything is still there.
(03:21):
But there's one part of it thatI really want to zero in on.
She says to him, I don'twant to start something with someone who's not
available, and he says, I'mavailable. That I want to explore a
(03:43):
little bit deeper, because as thestory progresses, it becomes very very clear
that they have two different definitions forwhat being available is. At first,
it's really great, you know,there's that budding romance where there's a lot
(04:05):
of chemistry. There's remembering those specialtimes back in high school, you know,
having those talks about you know,the path that you've been on since
you've been away from each other,the upstair downs, the chills, the
(04:26):
spills. You're confiding in each otheragain, and it's easy and it's sexy,
and it reminds you of all thosethings that you really loved about this
person in your life. But thenas you get more shall I say intense,
(04:53):
your emotions become more intense. Thechemistry won't go away. He touches
you, You touch him, hehugs you, You melt in his arms.
You know, the dance of attraction, the dance of chemistry, the
(05:13):
dance of romance, the dance ofwhat could have been, what should have
been, what might could be unfinishedfeelings, unfinished emotions that have been aroused
again just by that person's presence,their smell, their aura, their smile,
(05:38):
their energy. Right. And it'sfunny because sometimes a decision isn't okay,
let's give it a go. It'snot necessarily a conversation. Sometimes it's
just that things happen. One encounterleads to another encounter, one touch leads
to another touch, a kiss himthe cheese leads to a kiss on the
(06:01):
lips, and after a while youare thinking about that person all the time,
and when you getting each other's company, it's just more of the same.
I think that's the way situationships happen, or friends with benefits happen.
It's not that you set out tohave sex with this person, it's not
(06:26):
that you set out to develop feelingsfor this person. But one situation after
another, one encounter after another,and next thing you know, you're in
a charged, intimate, deep throatedkind of situationship or friends with benefits that
(06:49):
can easily happen even after you've saidI don't want to start something with someone
who's not available. What stands outfor me is that both people I believe
were sincere. I want to saythat right out the gate, I believe
they both were sincere, But itbecomes more clear that their definitions of available
(07:19):
are very, very different, Andso it makes me ask the question,
what does availability mean to you?When you say that you want a man
that's available, what does that mean? And when he says I am available,
(07:44):
what does that mean? What doesthat mean for him? That's different
or the same for what it meansto you, and I think this series
demonstrates it so well that I wantedto kind of bring some context to it,
(08:05):
and I'm hoping that by doing so, it will really help you to
really get more clear about what availabilityis for you and what your response should
be. Accordingly, who talked aboutthe chemistry, the kissing, the touching,
(08:26):
that dance of romance, that danceof abudding romance, that dance of
feelings that deepen, that dance ofattraction that deepens, Right, But the
reality is you both can have allegiancesto things that can hinder you're being available
(08:54):
for the other. And I havefound men's allegiances are more conscious, their
commitment is more clear, and itruns more deep than the allegiances that we
women have. For instance, aman's allegiance, say, to not wanting
(09:20):
to get married, is crystal clearto him, but a woman's allegiance to
wanting to get married is not asclear. Else she would not continue to
be in the relationship or continue toput herself in situations where she's becoming more
(09:45):
bonded to a man who, everytime she brings up marriage, says to
her, but I don't want toget married. Then three five, ten
years down the road she had haslived with him, they have children.
She really wants to get married,he doesn't want to get married. And
(10:11):
then she comes to a talk showand ask the relationship expert how much longer
should she wait? What should shedo? To those who are watching,
it's a no brainer. But forher, she's got so many feelings invested
(10:35):
that her allegiance seems to be moreto her feelings invested than to her desire
to get married. Else she wouldnot need to ask somebody what she should
do. There is a difference,a stark difference in how men and women
(10:56):
are when it comes to our definitionsavailable. This comes up when Sunday is
getting ready to have a real specialevent in her career. I mean,
it is a very important night forher. She's getting an award, a
(11:20):
prestigious award in her in her culinarycareer that could really make her career take
off. And she's told Ellis aboutit, and he's told her he's going
to be there. Well, somethinghappens to Eclipse that his soon to be
(11:46):
ex wife finds herself stranded. She'shaving car troubles. It's her, she's
with their daughter, and she calledcalls Ellis and he's kind of like,
well, can't can somebody else helpyou? You know? He starts going
(12:07):
through this thing, Well, can'tyou call this? Have you called that?
Have you done this? Have youdone that? Can't somebody help you?
As she's like, I've done it, but they can't do this until
this. This person's out of town. Listen, I hated to call you,
but you were the last resort.We really need you to come and
(12:31):
get us. Now, it's atwo hour drive one way to go to
get them. Because of that,it would take two hours to go and
two hours to get back. Well, that means he would miss this very
important night in Sunday's life. She'sfrustrated, and she said, but you
(12:58):
said you'd be there, and he'slike, they need me to help them.
I can't see any other way I'vegot to go. It appears that
his definition of being available means I'mnot seeing anybody. I'm not still in
love with my soon to be exwife. There are no residual attachments or
(13:22):
feelings toward her. She doesn't haveany feelings towards me like that, you
know, So I'm available. Myheart is available to you. I am
available. I'm not interested in anybodyelse. I'm not dating anybody else.
You have my full attention all thatI am into making this thing work,
(13:46):
into this romance. Clearly that washis definition of being available, but hers
is deeper than that, and thissituation with him rushing off to save his
soon to be ex wife and frombeing stranded on the side of the road
(14:09):
was very telling. Obviously, herdefinition of being available includes his, but
also is somebody who will be therefor me, somebody who will put my
needs first. That's her definition ofavailable. It means there is nothing that
(14:35):
will stop you from being true toyour word. That if you say you're
gonna do it, I can counton it. Part of her definition of
availability is somebody who she can dependon, someone who she can trust so
that as her feelings develop, he'sa safe pl I started looking at that.
(15:03):
I wish I could say there's acrystal ball that can tell you whether
a man is available or going tobe available, or he's not. I
can't tell you that. I cantell you that there is a journey,
however, that you can choose tobe on with somebody or you can choose
(15:28):
to not be on it. Emotionscan complicate things in the sense that you
already are emotionally attached, but itdepends on what you're emotionally attached to.
Are you emotionally attached to what couldbe, to what you didn't get the
(15:50):
first time that you want to getthis time. Are you emotionally attached to
the possibility that this could be thatgreat love that got disrupted by life?
What are you emotionally attached to.Are you emotionally attached to the story that
(16:11):
you keep making up in your mindthat maybe this is your turn to the
story that because you have all thischemistry and all the sexy going on,
that maybe this can be your foreverlove and happily ever after. What are
you emotionally attached to? That canmean that you're not emotionally available yourself,
(16:36):
that you're more emotionally attached to yourstory than you are available to what the
truest you desires and requires in orderfor you to be happy, in order
for you to be fulfilled, inorder for this relationship to deliver what it
(17:03):
needs to, in order for youto feel safe and to feel secure,
to feel seen, to feel heard. All these things are very important to
us women they may be important tomen too, but I know how it
manifests in us women. What areyou loyal to? While his allegiance to
(17:30):
his soon to be ex wife mightbe suspect, there's also your allegiance to
your fantasy, to your hopes,to your rationalizing, to the story you've
created, to the magical thinking thatis suspect as well, especially to the
(17:56):
truest part of you, which iswondering, can I trust you? That's
really the part of you that youhave to be emotionally available for. That's
the part of you that's wondering ifyou are available. You're wondering if he's
(18:19):
available. But the truest you,the you that you keep betraying, is
wondering if you are available, ifyou can be trusted, or if because
you want the relationship to work,because this person is attractive, because there's
(18:42):
chemistry, because he's saying the thingsthat you want to hear, that you're
going to override that truest part ofyourself that has seen relationships come and go,
that has had to tell take upa tab for your lack of availability
(19:06):
to your truest self. Emotionally availabilitymeans you are emotionally accessible, and you
aren't emotionally bonded to something or someonethat would hinder your ability to be there,
to be available, to show upright now. You can be emotional,
(19:37):
you can be passionate, you canbe sincere and still not be available.
You can be a good listener andstill not be available. You can
mean well and still not be available. Allegian can make a man or a
(20:04):
woman unavailable. And just because youboth have feelings for one another does not
mean automatically that you're number one inhis allegiances. That's something that I had
(20:25):
to get in my head and Iurge you to get in yours. That
just because you have a talk andyou say, listen, let's give this
relationship a goal and see where itgoes. Just because you both agree that
(20:47):
that's what you're going to do,it does not mean automatically that you're going
to have allegiances in the same place. You might have the same value.
You may both value family, youmay both be devoted parents, you may
both be grandparents, but your levelof allegiance may be different. Right,
(21:18):
You're just that's just an example.So it's about your allegiance and the priority
that it requires out of you.Right now. It's something that you have
to decide with your eyes wide open. Not loyal to a fantasy, not
(21:44):
even loyal to what he says,because I hear so often women said,
but he said right, he saidhe was available, he said he was
going to come. And if youneed a man that's going to do what
he says and not start out therelationship right out the gate giving you reasons
(22:11):
why he can't do what he says, then you need to tell yourself the
truth about that and not allow youremotional attachments to upend that. But if
you're the kind of persons that says, okay, I understand where you are,
(22:37):
that yes, you and your exwife are owned this trajectory. You
both agree, you both want thedivorce, but you have to also take
into consideration that their lives have beenintertwined for much longer than this person has
(22:57):
been with you. That can complicateabudding romance because of that, And so
we women have to be able totake a step back and say, wait
a minute, what can I handleand what can I not handle? And
(23:19):
I am not going to oky dokemyself oki doke in yourself is the pathway
that leads to settling. So that'sa path you don't want to take.
And a relationship is going to offeryou many forks in the road where you
(23:40):
have to decide, am I goingto be available for somebody who is not
available for me? Am I goingto allow my emotions, my deep emotions?
Am I going to allow that tokeep me tethered to a sinking ship?
(24:03):
And so I say to you,when you compromise your value, it
leads to one compromise after another.First compromise when she said I don't want
to start something with someone who's notavailable, well she crossed her own boundary.
(24:30):
She started something with somebody who wasnot available. Now, one could
argue he said he was. Butjust because he wasn't aware of his own
blind spots doesn't mean that she wasn'taware of the blind spot. Sometimes a
(24:52):
man is not lying. Sometimes it'sjust that he's not aware of his blind
spot. But you are, Andso are you going to be emotionally available
to the part of you that cansee further and see more and see what
he can't see and make a decisionfor yourself likewise? And it's going to
(25:15):
help you not to betray yourself orare you going to cross your own boundary.
Here's another thing. Oftentimes, whena man makes a decision that disappoints
a woman, he is quick tosay, I'll make it up to you.
But you cannot make up a oncein a lifetime event. And Sunday
(25:41):
told him this was one of thoseevents that anybody who meant anything to you,
you really wanted them to be there. And this is something that we
often don't see, ladies. Thetruth is, even though he regretted it,
(26:03):
he was willing to disappoint her.He gave himself permission to disappoint her.
He gave himself permission as if hehad the ability to make up a
once in a lifetime event for her. Now, I love my fellows out
(26:26):
there, but there are some thingsthat happen in life that when you miss
it, you cannot make it up. As wonderful as you are, you
cannot make up to someone a oncein a lifetime event in their lives.
(26:48):
And so when you're considering staying ina relationship, you have to take a
step back and ask yourself, asmuch as he's great in this area,
does this man give himself permission todisappoint me? That's a very important question
(27:12):
that you need to answer before you'veinvested so much of yourself that you couldn't
afford to lose. Being available isa two way street. You need to
be available for him, he needsto be available for you, and you
need to agree about what that lookslike. And if he cannot do that,
(27:38):
then you have to take a stepback and be willing to walk away.
And so I say this to say, ladies, we have to tell
ourselves the truth. And the onlyway you can be honest with yourself and
(28:00):
tell yourself the truth is to knowyourself. There is a part of you
that obviously you don't know or youdon't respect. If you're going to override
cross your own boundary in a relationship, then it's either you don't know that
part of yourself or you don't respectthat part of yourself. And I can
(28:26):
tell you from personal experience, ifyou don't respect that part of yourself,
the person that you are partnering withis not going to respect it too.
You have to be clear about yourterms. What are your terms? You
(28:47):
cannot know your terms if you're notone honest with yourself, know yourself and
respect yourself. And now a specialannouncement. If you try to do love
on their terms and it didn't work, I've got the answer. Love on
(29:07):
your Terms, a free five daymasterclass that takes you out of the passenger
seat and into the driver's seat whereyou belong. To learn more and to
sign up, go to Susatte solutionsdot com. That's a Sustte solutions dot
com. It's free, it's now. That's Susatte solutions dot com and look
(29:32):
forward to seeing you there. Mencontinue to do exactly what they are loyal
to. They are not trying tofigure out where their loyalty lies. They
(29:57):
know where it lies. Now.They don't know their blind spots, and
we women are very good at seeingtheir blind spots, but they know.
Men are used to operating in thisworld. Based on what it is they
(30:17):
want, they go after it.They don't have to go through emotional calisthenics.
If they're clear about their reasons,that's it. They stand their ground.
The people who tend to compromise arethe women. We are the ones
(30:38):
who compromise. We're the ones whoaccommodate. We're the ones who have boundaries
in pencil that we take out oureraser and erase and draw a new line
(30:59):
and erase that one cross that one, draw a new line. While whereas
the man, his lines are drawnand he hasn't crossed him, he hasn't
crossed him. He won't budge.And we have been conditioned that when a
man won't budge, we accommodate.And it doesn't matter whether you're married,
(31:23):
single, it's complicated situationship friends withbenefits. We women are raised, socialized,
conditioned, programmed to accommodate what willnot budge, to try to work
(31:52):
around it, because we don't wantto lose whatever it is that we're getting,
whether the payoff is real or imagined, we don't want to lose it,
and so we accommodate. Then wekick ourselves later because we realize,
(32:13):
oh god, I've settled again.That's why the focus and my love on
your Terms masterclass is on you.The focus is on you rediscovering what makes
you enough and your worthiness to havelove on your terms. It's for you
(32:38):
to garner respect with what you needto thrive in your romantic life. It's
to help you get clear on thatso that you don't find yourself compromising in
your dating life, compromising your marriedlife to respect yourself enough to hold your
(33:06):
ground and let him come to you. Because what I've learned is if you're
important enough, if you're important enough, he will walk towards you. He
(33:27):
will. What we have to dois learn how to be okay in the
in between, in the not knowingwhich way it's going to go. And
when I coach women, I say, you have to be so committed to
your terms, to your standards,to your boundaries, to your respect for
(33:53):
what you need, that you arewilling to walk away. You have to
be if you're not, that familiaraccommodator will talk you into coming up with
a plausible reason why you should crossthis boundary. But yet tell yourself that's
(34:20):
not what you're doing. Oh,that accommodator is very savvy, because that
acommodator grew up with you. Thataccommodator knows exactly what buttons. The press
knows exactly how to present a verycompelling argument why you should cross your own
boundary, why you should give ita chance, why you should compromise.
(34:46):
Well, you know, after all, yeah, his daughter was in the
car. He couldn't have left hisdaughter in the car. You talk yourself
out of what you need to feelfeel safe and secure, to feel seen
and heard, to feel valued inthat relationship. You're creating a relationship where
(35:08):
there is no room for you.You're making it impossible for you to stay
in this relationship and be okay.You're the one that is fixing this place
up to be someplace you got toleave because you are accommodating what you should
(35:30):
not accommodate in My love. Onyour Terms, Masterclass, we deep dive
into those areas, is it meand something wrong with me that I keep
drawing this? On day one wedeal with that. On day two we
(35:52):
deal with well, what did Ido wrong? What was it that made
you walk away? Right? Onthe third day, we're putting a mirror
up and showing you who you reallyare and your superpower to have great love.
That's going to be on day three. On day four, we're gonna
(36:16):
look at where the good men are? The question that a lot of women
ask, well, where are allthe good men? Where are they?
And so on day number four we'regonna talk about where the good men are?
And on day number five we're gonnadeal with the mindset of women who
(36:37):
are happy in their relationships, womenwhose voices are heard women who are thriving.
So that's what's gonna happen at thisfive day master class. And of
course there's going to be some otherbonus trainings and bonus session, but those
(37:00):
first five days we're gonna really deepdive into those areas where we women tend
to compromise the most. And soLove on Your Terms is about respecting your
terms and knowing that they are enough. That starts November seventh. It runs
(37:24):
November seventh through the eleventh. It'sfor women over forty. The link is
Suzette Solutions dot com. So ifthat's resonating with you, if you know
you need it, then go onin register. But it is not for
(37:46):
women who are just trying to finda sugar daddy, a Friday night date,
or a plus one. If allyou want is that, then this
is not the master Clay ask foryou. If you just want tips and
tricks and tactics, this is notthe master class for you because I don't
(38:10):
deal in that. I coach fromthe inside out because I realize that even
if you get the man, youwill sabotage the relationship if you don't feel
worthy, if you don't know thatyour terms matter, then you'll still be
(38:31):
unhappy, you still be unfulfilled.And so my job is to help you
to get clear so you can becomesomeone that you can trust and that you
can be confident in your romantic life. Again, I invite you to register
(38:53):
and attend every night, right everynight, November seventh through the eleventh,
go to Suzette Solutions dot com.It's free, it's online, but you
still have to register. Okay,well until next week. I want you
(39:15):
to know that you are one hundredpercent worthy, You're one hundred percent worth
it, You're one hundred percent another. By now, you have just listened
to the Enough back To podcast withyour host Suzette. They're not to get
(39:37):
notified of new episodes or to ddeeper into today's topic. Become a subscriber,
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remember you are worthy, you areworth it. You are email
What if you knew you are enough? What would your life look like?
What would love look like? Thisis the Enough at the broadcast where we're
redefining what makes you enough in life? And now here's your host, Suzette
(00:35):
Vernon. Hello everybody, it's yourlife coach and relationship solutionist Suzette Vernon and
welcome to My Enough Factor podcast.I so appreciate that, out of all
the podcasts you could be listening toright now, you decided to tune into
(00:58):
mine. And if you're new,what I want you to know is this
podcast is all about helping high achievingwomen over forty to redefine what makes them
enough on their own terms so theycan attract great love into their lives.
How do we do it. Weamplify three critical factors, your voice,
(01:26):
your value, and your vision.And so each week we challenge any ideology,
any liberty, belief, any disconnector compromise, or any story that
you're telling yourself that says otherwise.It is a cloudy and misty rain kind
(01:53):
of day, the perfect day tosnuggle up with something hot, to dream
and a good series. One ofthe ones that I have fallen in love
with is Cherished the day. Ididn't see season one, but I've begun
(02:15):
to watch season two. It's aboutthis couple. Sunday that's her name,
and the man is Ellis, Andthese are two individuals who were high school
sweethearts and then of course went ontaking different paths in life, and they
(02:38):
find themselves back in each other's companyagain. She is now an aspiring chef
who is on the road to becominga very famous one, right and he
was on the trajectory, I wouldsay, of being a professional athlete,
(03:00):
but then something happened and as aresult, he took up plumbing, got
married, and is now a singledad and soon to be divorced man will
their paths cross, and of coursethe chemistry and everything is still there.
(03:21):
But there's one part of it thatI really want to zero in on.
She says to him, I don'twant to start something with someone who's not
available, and he says, I'mavailable. That I want to explore a
(03:43):
little bit deeper, because as thestory progresses, it becomes very very clear
that they have two different definitions forwhat being available is. At first,
it's really great, you know,there's that budding romance where there's a lot
(04:05):
of chemistry. There's remembering those specialtimes back in high school, you know,
having those talks about you know,the path that you've been on since
you've been away from each other,the upstair downs, the chills, the
(04:26):
spills. You're confiding in each otheragain, and it's easy and it's sexy,
and it reminds you of all thosethings that you really loved about this
person in your life. But thenas you get more shall I say intense,
(04:53):
your emotions become more intense. Thechemistry won't go away. He touches
you, You touch him, hehugs you, You melt in his arms.
You know, the dance of attraction, the dance of chemistry, the
(05:13):
dance of romance, the dance ofwhat could have been, what should have
been, what might could be unfinishedfeelings, unfinished emotions that have been aroused
again just by that person's presence,their smell, their aura, their smile,
(05:38):
their energy. Right. And it'sfunny because sometimes a decision isn't okay,
let's give it a go. It'snot necessarily a conversation. Sometimes it's
just that things happen. One encounterleads to another encounter, one touch leads
to another touch, a kiss himthe cheese leads to a kiss on the
(06:01):
lips, and after a while youare thinking about that person all the time,
and when you getting each other's company, it's just more of the same.
I think that's the way situationships happen, or friends with benefits happen.
It's not that you set out tohave sex with this person, it's not
(06:26):
that you set out to develop feelingsfor this person. But one situation after
another, one encounter after another,and next thing you know, you're in
a charged, intimate, deep throatedkind of situationship or friends with benefits that
(06:49):
can easily happen even after you've saidI don't want to start something with someone
who's not available. What stands outfor me is that both people I believe
were sincere. I want to saythat right out the gate, I believe
they both were sincere, But itbecomes more clear that their definitions of available
(07:19):
are very, very different, Andso it makes me ask the question,
what does availability mean to you?When you say that you want a man
that's available, what does that mean? And when he says I am available,
(07:44):
what does that mean? What doesthat mean for him? That's different
or the same for what it meansto you, and I think this series
demonstrates it so well that I wantedto kind of bring some context to it,
(08:05):
and I'm hoping that by doing so, it will really help you to
really get more clear about what availabilityis for you and what your response should
be. Accordingly, who talked aboutthe chemistry, the kissing, the touching,
(08:26):
that dance of romance, that danceof abudding romance, that dance of
feelings that deepen, that dance ofattraction that deepens, Right, But the
reality is you both can have allegiancesto things that can hinder you're being available
(08:54):
for the other. And I havefound men's allegiances are more conscious, their
commitment is more clear, and itruns more deep than the allegiances that we
women have. For instance, aman's allegiance, say, to not wanting
(09:20):
to get married, is crystal clearto him, but a woman's allegiance to
wanting to get married is not asclear. Else she would not continue to
be in the relationship or continue toput herself in situations where she's becoming more
(09:45):
bonded to a man who, everytime she brings up marriage, says to
her, but I don't want toget married. Then three five, ten
years down the road she had haslived with him, they have children.
She really wants to get married,he doesn't want to get married. And
(10:11):
then she comes to a talk showand ask the relationship expert how much longer
should she wait? What should shedo? To those who are watching,
it's a no brainer. But forher, she's got so many feelings invested
(10:35):
that her allegiance seems to be moreto her feelings invested than to her desire
to get married. Else she wouldnot need to ask somebody what she should
do. There is a difference,a stark difference in how men and women
(10:56):
are when it comes to our definitionsavailable. This comes up when Sunday is
getting ready to have a real specialevent in her career. I mean,
it is a very important night forher. She's getting an award, a
(11:20):
prestigious award in her in her culinarycareer that could really make her career take
off. And she's told Ellis aboutit, and he's told her he's going
to be there. Well, somethinghappens to Eclipse that his soon to be
(11:46):
ex wife finds herself stranded. She'shaving car troubles. It's her, she's
with their daughter, and she calledcalls Ellis and he's kind of like,
well, can't can somebody else helpyou? You know? He starts going
(12:07):
through this thing, Well, can'tyou call this? Have you called that?
Have you done this? Have youdone that? Can't somebody help you?
As she's like, I've done it, but they can't do this until
this. This person's out of town. Listen, I hated to call you,
but you were the last resort.We really need you to come and
(12:31):
get us. Now, it's atwo hour drive one way to go to
get them. Because of that,it would take two hours to go and
two hours to get back. Well, that means he would miss this very
important night in Sunday's life. She'sfrustrated, and she said, but you
(12:58):
said you'd be there, and he'slike, they need me to help them.
I can't see any other way I'vegot to go. It appears that
his definition of being available means I'mnot seeing anybody. I'm not still in
love with my soon to be exwife. There are no residual attachments or
(13:22):
feelings toward her. She doesn't haveany feelings towards me like that, you
know, So I'm available. Myheart is available to you. I am
available. I'm not interested in anybodyelse. I'm not dating anybody else.
You have my full attention all thatI am into making this thing work,
(13:46):
into this romance. Clearly that washis definition of being available, but hers
is deeper than that, and thissituation with him rushing off to save his
soon to be ex wife and frombeing stranded on the side of the road
(14:09):
was very telling. Obviously, herdefinition of being available includes his, but
also is somebody who will be therefor me, somebody who will put my
needs first. That's her definition ofavailable. It means there is nothing that
(14:35):
will stop you from being true toyour word. That if you say you're
gonna do it, I can counton it. Part of her definition of
availability is somebody who she can dependon, someone who she can trust so
that as her feelings develop, he'sa safe pl I started looking at that.
(15:03):
I wish I could say there's acrystal ball that can tell you whether
a man is available or going tobe available, or he's not. I
can't tell you that. I cantell you that there is a journey,
however, that you can choose tobe on with somebody or you can choose
(15:28):
to not be on it. Emotionscan complicate things in the sense that you
already are emotionally attached, but itdepends on what you're emotionally attached to.
Are you emotionally attached to what couldbe, to what you didn't get the
(15:50):
first time that you want to getthis time. Are you emotionally attached to
the possibility that this could be thatgreat love that got disrupted by life?
What are you emotionally attached to.Are you emotionally attached to the story that
(16:11):
you keep making up in your mindthat maybe this is your turn to the
story that because you have all thischemistry and all the sexy going on,
that maybe this can be your foreverlove and happily ever after. What are
you emotionally attached to? That canmean that you're not emotionally available yourself,
(16:36):
that you're more emotionally attached to yourstory than you are available to what the
truest you desires and requires in orderfor you to be happy, in order
for you to be fulfilled, inorder for this relationship to deliver what it
(17:03):
needs to, in order for youto feel safe and to feel secure,
to feel seen, to feel heard. All these things are very important to
us women they may be important tomen too, but I know how it
manifests in us women. What areyou loyal to? While his allegiance to
(17:30):
his soon to be ex wife mightbe suspect, there's also your allegiance to
your fantasy, to your hopes,to your rationalizing, to the story you've
created, to the magical thinking thatis suspect as well, especially to the
(17:56):
truest part of you, which iswondering, can I trust you? That's
really the part of you that youhave to be emotionally available for. That's
the part of you that's wondering ifyou are available. You're wondering if he's
(18:19):
available. But the truest you,the you that you keep betraying, is
wondering if you are available, ifyou can be trusted, or if because
you want the relationship to work,because this person is attractive, because there's
(18:42):
chemistry, because he's saying the thingsthat you want to hear, that you're
going to override that truest part ofyourself that has seen relationships come and go,
that has had to tell take upa tab for your lack of availability
(19:06):
to your truest self. Emotionally availabilitymeans you are emotionally accessible, and you
aren't emotionally bonded to something or someonethat would hinder your ability to be there,
to be available, to show upright now. You can be emotional,
(19:37):
you can be passionate, you canbe sincere and still not be available.
You can be a good listener andstill not be available. You can
mean well and still not be available. Allegian can make a man or a
(20:04):
woman unavailable. And just because youboth have feelings for one another does not
mean automatically that you're number one inhis allegiances. That's something that I had
(20:25):
to get in my head and Iurge you to get in yours. That
just because you have a talk andyou say, listen, let's give this
relationship a goal and see where itgoes. Just because you both agree that
(20:47):
that's what you're going to do,it does not mean automatically that you're going
to have allegiances in the same place. You might have the same value.
You may both value family, youmay both be devoted parents, you may
both be grandparents, but your levelof allegiance may be different. Right,
(21:18):
You're just that's just an example.So it's about your allegiance and the priority
that it requires out of you.Right now. It's something that you have
to decide with your eyes wide open. Not loyal to a fantasy, not
(21:44):
even loyal to what he says,because I hear so often women said,
but he said right, he saidhe was available, he said he was
going to come. And if youneed a man that's going to do what
he says and not start out therelationship right out the gate giving you reasons
(22:11):
why he can't do what he says, then you need to tell yourself the
truth about that and not allow youremotional attachments to upend that. But if
you're the kind of persons that says, okay, I understand where you are,
(22:37):
that yes, you and your exwife are owned this trajectory. You
both agree, you both want thedivorce, but you have to also take
into consideration that their lives have beenintertwined for much longer than this person has
(22:57):
been with you. That can complicateabudding romance because of that, And so
we women have to be able totake a step back and say, wait
a minute, what can I handleand what can I not handle? And
(23:19):
I am not going to oky dokemyself oki doke in yourself is the pathway
that leads to settling. So that'sa path you don't want to take.
And a relationship is going to offeryou many forks in the road where you
(23:40):
have to decide, am I goingto be available for somebody who is not
available for me? Am I goingto allow my emotions, my deep emotions?
Am I going to allow that tokeep me tethered to a sinking ship?
(24:03):
And so I say to you,when you compromise your value, it
leads to one compromise after another.First compromise when she said I don't want
to start something with someone who's notavailable, well she crossed her own boundary.
(24:30):
She started something with somebody who wasnot available. Now, one could
argue he said he was. Butjust because he wasn't aware of his own
blind spots doesn't mean that she wasn'taware of the blind spot. Sometimes a
(24:52):
man is not lying. Sometimes it'sjust that he's not aware of his blind
spot. But you are, Andso are you going to be emotionally available
to the part of you that cansee further and see more and see what
he can't see and make a decisionfor yourself likewise? And it's going to
(25:15):
help you not to betray yourself orare you going to cross your own boundary.
Here's another thing. Oftentimes, whena man makes a decision that disappoints
a woman, he is quick tosay, I'll make it up to you.
But you cannot make up a oncein a lifetime event. And Sunday
(25:41):
told him this was one of thoseevents that anybody who meant anything to you,
you really wanted them to be there. And this is something that we
often don't see, ladies. Thetruth is, even though he regretted it,
(26:03):
he was willing to disappoint her.He gave himself permission to disappoint her.
He gave himself permission as if hehad the ability to make up a
once in a lifetime event for her. Now, I love my fellows out
(26:26):
there, but there are some thingsthat happen in life that when you miss
it, you cannot make it up. As wonderful as you are, you
cannot make up to someone a oncein a lifetime event in their lives.
(26:48):
And so when you're considering staying ina relationship, you have to take a
step back and ask yourself, asmuch as he's great in this area,
does this man give himself permission todisappoint me? That's a very important question
(27:12):
that you need to answer before you'veinvested so much of yourself that you couldn't
afford to lose. Being available isa two way street. You need to
be available for him, he needsto be available for you, and you
need to agree about what that lookslike. And if he cannot do that,
(27:38):
then you have to take a stepback and be willing to walk away.
And so I say this to say, ladies, we have to tell
ourselves the truth. And the onlyway you can be honest with yourself and
(28:00):
tell yourself the truth is to knowyourself. There is a part of you
that obviously you don't know or youdon't respect. If you're going to override
cross your own boundary in a relationship, then it's either you don't know that
part of yourself or you don't respectthat part of yourself. And I can
(28:26):
tell you from personal experience, ifyou don't respect that part of yourself,
the person that you are partnering withis not going to respect it too.
You have to be clear about yourterms. What are your terms? You
(28:47):
cannot know your terms if you're notone honest with yourself, know yourself and
respect yourself. And now a specialannouncement. If you try to do love
on their terms and it didn't work, I've got the answer. Love on
(29:07):
your Terms, a free five daymasterclass that takes you out of the passenger
seat and into the driver's seat whereyou belong. To learn more and to
sign up, go to Susatte solutionsdot com. That's a Sustte solutions dot
com. It's free, it's now. That's Susatte solutions dot com and look
(29:32):
forward to seeing you there. Mencontinue to do exactly what they are loyal
to. They are not trying tofigure out where their loyalty lies. They
(29:57):
know where it lies. Now.They don't know their blind spots, and
we women are very good at seeingtheir blind spots, but they know.
Men are used to operating in thisworld. Based on what it is they
(30:17):
want, they go after it.They don't have to go through emotional calisthenics.
If they're clear about their reasons,that's it. They stand their ground.
The people who tend to compromise arethe women. We are the ones
(30:38):
who compromise. We're the ones whoaccommodate. We're the ones who have boundaries
in pencil that we take out oureraser and erase and draw a new line
(30:59):
and erase that one cross that one, draw a new line. While whereas
the man, his lines are drawnand he hasn't crossed him, he hasn't
crossed him. He won't budge.And we have been conditioned that when a
man won't budge, we accommodate.And it doesn't matter whether you're married,
(31:23):
single, it's complicated situationship friends withbenefits. We women are raised, socialized,
conditioned, programmed to accommodate what willnot budge, to try to work
(31:52):
around it, because we don't wantto lose whatever it is that we're getting,
whether the payoff is real or imagined, we don't want to lose it,
and so we accommodate. Then wekick ourselves later because we realize,
(32:13):
oh god, I've settled again.That's why the focus and my love on
your Terms masterclass is on you.The focus is on you rediscovering what makes
you enough and your worthiness to havelove on your terms. It's for you
(32:38):
to garner respect with what you needto thrive in your romantic life. It's
to help you get clear on thatso that you don't find yourself compromising in
your dating life, compromising your marriedlife to respect yourself enough to hold your
(33:06):
ground and let him come to you. Because what I've learned is if you're
important enough, if you're important enough, he will walk towards you. He
(33:27):
will. What we have to dois learn how to be okay in the
in between, in the not knowingwhich way it's going to go. And
when I coach women, I say, you have to be so committed to
your terms, to your standards,to your boundaries, to your respect for
(33:53):
what you need, that you arewilling to walk away. You have to
be if you're not, that familiaraccommodator will talk you into coming up with
a plausible reason why you should crossthis boundary. But yet tell yourself that's
(34:20):
not what you're doing. Oh,that accommodator is very savvy, because that
acommodator grew up with you. Thataccommodator knows exactly what buttons. The press
knows exactly how to present a verycompelling argument why you should cross your own
boundary, why you should give ita chance, why you should compromise.
(34:46):
Well, you know, after all, yeah, his daughter was in the
car. He couldn't have left hisdaughter in the car. You talk yourself
out of what you need to feelfeel safe and secure, to feel seen
and heard, to feel valued inthat relationship. You're creating a relationship where
(35:08):
there is no room for you.You're making it impossible for you to stay
in this relationship and be okay.You're the one that is fixing this place
up to be someplace you got toleave because you are accommodating what you should
(35:30):
not accommodate in My love. Onyour Terms, Masterclass, we deep dive
into those areas, is it meand something wrong with me that I keep
drawing this? On day one wedeal with that. On day two we
(35:52):
deal with well, what did Ido wrong? What was it that made
you walk away? Right? Onthe third day, we're putting a mirror
up and showing you who you reallyare and your superpower to have great love.
That's going to be on day three. On day four, we're gonna
(36:16):
look at where the good men are? The question that a lot of women
ask, well, where are allthe good men? Where are they?
And so on day number four we'regonna talk about where the good men are?
And on day number five we're gonnadeal with the mindset of women who
(36:37):
are happy in their relationships, womenwhose voices are heard women who are thriving.
So that's what's gonna happen at thisfive day master class. And of
course there's going to be some otherbonus trainings and bonus session, but those
(37:00):
first five days we're gonna really deepdive into those areas where we women tend
to compromise the most. And soLove on Your Terms is about respecting your
terms and knowing that they are enough. That starts November seventh. It runs
(37:24):
November seventh through the eleventh. It'sfor women over forty. The link is
Suzette Solutions dot com. So ifthat's resonating with you, if you know
you need it, then go onin register. But it is not for
(37:46):
women who are just trying to finda sugar daddy, a Friday night date,
or a plus one. If allyou want is that, then this
is not the master Clay ask foryou. If you just want tips and
tricks and tactics, this is notthe master class for you because I don't
(38:10):
deal in that. I coach fromthe inside out because I realize that even
if you get the man, youwill sabotage the relationship if you don't feel
worthy, if you don't know thatyour terms matter, then you'll still be
(38:31):
unhappy, you still be unfulfilled.And so my job is to help you
to get clear so you can becomesomeone that you can trust and that you
can be confident in your romantic life. Again, I invite you to register
(38:53):
and attend every night, right everynight, November seventh through the eleventh,
go to Suzette Solutions dot com.It's free, it's online, but you
still have to register. Okay,well until next week. I want you
(39:15):
to know that you are one hundredpercent worthy, You're one hundred percent worth
it, You're one hundred percent another. By now, you have just listened
to the Enough back To podcast withyour host Suzette. They're not to get
(39:37):
notified of new episodes or to ddeeper into today's topic. Become a subscriber,
and while you're at it, tellus how we're doing and what topics
you're interested in. We appreciate yourfeedback and your reviews. Until next time,
remember you are worthy, you areworth it. You are email
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