November 6, 2022 • 41 mins
Is it normal for romantic relationships to leave you confused? I honestly don't think so. Yet, confusion has been normalized to the point that it is the exception not the rule. In this episode, Coach Suzette sheds light on the whole confusion thing and probes even deeper into some long-held spiritual beliefs about who the author of confusion is. What she comes up with is unconventional yet very practical and always liberating. So check out this episode and tell us what you think.
If after listening to this episode, you wish to talk further about your relationship challenges and how working with Coach Suzette can help, contact her Here are some ways:
Email: suzette.vearnon@suzettesolutions.com
Website: suzettesolutions.com/contact-us
Calendar: calendly.com/suzettevearnon
Join her Facebook Group at facebook.com/groups/loveonyourterms.
Learn more/register for her Love On Your Terms Masterclass coming in November at suzettesolutions.com. It starts tomorrow, November 7th !
If after listening to this episode, you wish to talk further about your relationship challenges and how working with Coach Suzette can help, contact her Here are some ways:
Email: suzette.vearnon@suzettesolutions.com
Website: suzettesolutions.com/contact-us
Calendar: calendly.com/suzettevearnon
Join her Facebook Group at facebook.com/groups/loveonyourterms.
Learn more/register for her Love On Your Terms Masterclass coming in November at suzettesolutions.com. It starts tomorrow, November 7th !
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:07):
What if you knew you are enough? What would your life look like?
What would love look like? Thisis the Enough Actor Broadcasts where we're redefining
what makes you enough in life?And now here's your host, Susantte.
(00:38):
Hello, everybody is your life coachingrelationship solutionists Sustte Vietnam and welcome to My
Enough Factor podcast. Each week webring you content that will amplify what I've
identified as three critical factors of yourenoughness, your voice, your value,
(01:00):
you and your vision for I havefound that when those are working in tandem
and they've been maximized, that youhave a better experience of love and of
life. If you're new, Justto let you know a little bit about
me, I'm your relationship solutionist andI help high achieving women read it find
(01:23):
what makes them enough on their ownterms so they can break the cycle of
fail relationships and attract great love intotheir lives. So I wanted to talk
about the author of confusion. Growingup in church, I used to always
(01:47):
hear that God is not the authorof confusion. If he's not the author
of confusion, then I'm like,well, then he's not the author of
confusion and relationships either right. Oneof the things that stood out for me
was the story of the man layingby the pool and he has this encounter
(02:09):
where he's asked, do you wantto be whold? And he says in
response, well, you know,when the water is troubled, there's nobody
to put me in, as ifhe wasn't even heard the question was,
but do you want to be whole? And one of the things I found
(02:30):
to be true is when I askpeople do you want to attract great love?
They will tell me all the thingsthat are going wrong, and oftentimes
they don't answer the question right.And this man did the same thing.
He was asking you want to bewhole? He's like, well, you
(02:52):
know, every time I get readyto put myself in this pool that's healing
everybody, somebody always gets in beforeme. That's the first thing he would
say. And the second thing was, and then there's nobody to put me
in, So somebody gets that bitfor me, and there's nobody to put
me in. Where his two complaintsright? And I hear that too,
(03:15):
And don't you hear when you talkto your girlfriends or you're talking to people
about their relationship issues and problems,is usually somebody else. Well, you
know what, I'm not like her, I'm not like him. I don't
look like that, I don't actlike that, you know, you know,
or all the women that get men. You know, we all kind
(03:38):
of generalize that difficult women. Iwon't say I won't used to be word
because I wasn't raised with it.And that's one word I have not gotten
used to. Y'all know, bewith an itch that that word is just
not one of my binacular. Butthere are books written and people are saying
(04:00):
that the women that end up withmen are that, And you're like,
but I'm not like that, right, So they're beating me to the punch
because I'm not like that. Ornobody will help me. Nobody will help
me. I ask this when Italked to that one. Nobody will help
me. Those are two excuses wealways use oftentimes when somebody's asking us a
(04:25):
question. That really I tell people, you know what, when somebody who
has the power to bless you askyou a question, answer it, answer
it right. Don't go into storytime. Answer the question, not with
(04:47):
all the excuses, not I'm soconfused, not the whole thing, but
just answer the question right. Butanyway, I digress. So he's answering,
and he's given his story right,and so it's like as if Jesus
didn't even consider, didn't care,didn't say, you know what, I
(05:14):
understand. Nobody's here to put youin this water, nobody's here to help
you to get healed. I getit. I understand. You've been laying
here for a long time. You'veseen other people get things that you haven't
gotten. You've seen other people ladiesget married, and you haven't gotten married
yet. I get it, Iunderstand, I get it. He didn't
(05:39):
even get any kind of attention tothe man's story, to the man's excuses.
He didn't He said, listen,get up, take your bed up,
and walk. That was the answer. And so I started looking at
(06:05):
him and saying, Okay, whatdoes this have to do with confusion.
One of the things that it saysto me is when you come and all
you talk about is what you don'thave, what's not going right, and
you give a whole lot of reasonsand excuses for where you are in your
(06:28):
station in life that I just believe, even with Jesus's response, God is
almost like, but I didn't,but I didn't have nothing to do with
any of that. If you're confusedabout where you are, if you're confused
about your relationship, if you don'tknow who you are anymore, if you
don't know what to do, ifyou stay confused in a relationship, Wait
(06:53):
a minute, I ain't I don'tknow nothing about that. I don't have
nothing to do with that. Andwe're waiting for him to address it,
and he's like, no, letme tell you what to do, because
I don't have anything to do withyou losing yourself in relationships that don't have
nothing to do with me. Itisn't haalthing to do with me. And
(07:14):
my husband can't can't get along,That ain't nothing to do with me.
I am not the author of yourconfusion. That is not what I'm about.
Ideal in truth and ideal in clarity. So if you've lost your ability
to be clear, I'm not theauthor of that. Right. And before
I start talking about what I sawwith Jesus's response to the man, the
(07:38):
man laying by the pool, Ido want to talk about, Well,
if God isn't the author of confusion, then who iss a that's a pretty
yeah, that's a relevant question toask, isn't it. Well, if
he's not the author of it,then who is I started pondering that.
(08:03):
I started pondering when I felt confusedin my relationship what was driving my confusion?
If God didn't have nothing to dowith it, then what was the
perpetrator? What was the supplanter?What was the disruptor of my peace and
(08:28):
my clarity and my joy? Whatwas it? What was it? And
I jotted down a couple of thingsof what it was, and then I
kind of zeroed it down, youknow how you start kind of brain dumping
and then voila, here it is. And I said to myself, the
(08:52):
only reason for confusion is a lossof who you are. That something has
contradicted your value, your voice,your vision, your worth, your worthiness,
(09:20):
your enoughness. The author confusion isthe contradiction. It's not the truth,
it's the contradicteddiction. So what iscontradicting you? What's contradicting your voice,
(09:45):
which is your clarity, your expressionin the world, the way you
show up, the way you representwho you are created to be before the
foundation of the world. What's contradictingyour value, your worth, your worthiness?
(10:07):
What's contradicting it. What'sting When Isay your value that I'm talking about
what you think of yourself, whatyou think about what you deserve. If
you're questioning, if what you're askingfor is too much or too little,
(10:28):
then somehow another, there's a contradictionin your value that you have not resolved.
Or your vision. What is yourvision for your relationship? What is
your vision for how you're supposed tohow you want to show up in your
relationship, what you want it tobe, how it can build an environment
(10:50):
where you can thrive. What's thecontradiction? I know you want to make
it about him. I know it, just like that man land by the
pool, wanting to make it abouteverybody getting in before he could get in,
you know, or nobody to putme in, nobody to help me.
(11:11):
I know we want to play thevictim. But because I believe the
guy that created us never sees usas victims, and I think that's why
he doesn't. He doesn't answer.He does not answer confusion because he's not
confused. He's not confused that weare beautifully and wonderfully made. He's not
(11:33):
confused about when he created us.He said, that's good. He's not
confused. About our worth and ourworthiness. He's not of our confusion.
So what's the contradiction that you havea resolved about who you are that's causing
(11:54):
you accept less than what you deserve, that's causing you the second guest it
yourself. That's causing you to beall right when it's just you by yourself.
But when you get a relationship,it's confusion. Because if you truly
know who you are, whose youare, and why you are, it
(12:16):
does not matter who is in inproximity with you. You are not confused.
Their opinion doesn't confuse you. Theirattitude doesn't confuse you. What they
say about you does not confuse you. How they behave towards you does not
confuse you. They've acting funny towardsyou does not confuse you. You are
(12:39):
not confused by it because you've alreadylocated within yourself. You've done the work
to know who you are, toknow your value, to know your worth,
to know your worthiness, and you'renot allowing you yourself to live in
(13:01):
a situation where you're constantly having toprove it, where you're constantly having to
explain it. Because some of usthink, oh, yeah, I know
who I am. That's why Itold him. If you don't so and
so and so and so, thenyou can just go. But my thing
is, but why are you inthe covenant with somebody You got to constantly
(13:24):
remind who you are, that you'vegot to fight for it, right high
Beverly, that you gotta fight forit. Why if you know who you
are, would you be with somebodythat you've got to constantly have a tug
(13:45):
of war or arm rustle with thatyou got to constantly say, well,
listen, now, hey, thisright here, I ain't gonna do it.
And you can stay over there ifyou want to, or you can
sit right here if you want to, but I'm doing this. Why would
(14:05):
you even be in an intimate situation? Now, marriage is something a different
marriage has his ups and downs andsalways. But still, whether you're married
or single, ladies, it doesnot matter the position, whether you are
single, married, dating for fun, wherever you find yourself. If you're
(14:28):
in as complicated, if you're ina situationship, then it's not about the
man. It's about the you thathas not resolved that you're worthy enough that
you don't have to stay in covenantor date somebody or live with somebody that
(14:52):
you've got to constantly, constantly remindwho you are. And I have learned
that the longer you're with somebody thatchallenges who you are, it doesn't value
(15:13):
you to the same degree or morethen you value yourself. It eats away
at your clarity. The living withthe contradiction eats away at your clarity.
And that's why in the beginning ofa relationship, you feel fine, you
(15:37):
feel sexy, you feel good,you know who you are, You're all
that. But then the longer you'rein it, the more the goal post
gets moved, the more challenged youare, the more times you have to
contradict it to get along. Itcauses you to lose a piece of yourself,
(16:04):
little by little by little by little. And I had to say this
when I would get angry or beupset after a breakup. It wasn't so
much about what he did to me. It was about what I allowed.
That was the part that I wasscapegoating him for. It was easier to
(16:29):
be mad at him, it waseasier to point my finger at him.
It was so much easier to dothat then for me to admit that I
allowed it, that whatever was unresolvedin me that whatever payoff I was hoping
(16:53):
to get, after a while,it wasn't enough for selling my soul to
get it. That's the issue.Knowing, not thank you, beverly,
knowing who you are in your work. Knowing, that's the operative word.
(17:15):
Knowing. A lot of us believe, we hope, we think, but
we don't know, and our relationshipsare what really is the indicator that we
don't know. I know this istight, ladies, but you know I
(17:37):
gotta give it to you straight.I gotta give it to you straight.
There is nothing you can say tome to justify staying in a situation that
is eating away at you, takingbites out of you. By the time
you get out of it, youdon't know who you are. By the
(17:57):
time you get out of it,you're so exhausted. By the time you
get out of it, you knowyou are beat up, right, And
we've normalized that. But again,for those of us that are people of
faith, if we honor God andhe's not the app of confusion, then
(18:19):
God ain't got nothing to do withthis. He knows who we are.
He's not confused. It's that wedon't know. We don't know so much,
and so that when he sends usthe answer, we tell him all
(18:40):
the reasons why we can't take it. Just like this man laved by the
pool, laved by that pool waitedfor somebody to put him in. And
if you notice, Jesus didn't evensay nothing about it. He said,
man, get up, take upyour bed, and walk, because I'm
(19:06):
like, He's like, I ain'tgot nothing to do with your confusion.
I don't have nothing to do withyour confusion. I come here to give
you clarity. I come here foryour wholeness. I come here to remind
you of who you are. Solet me remind you person who's laying on
the bed cripple. Let me remindyou person who's this woe. Oh my
(19:30):
god, my relationship life is soterrible and I just can't find a good
man and oh this, that anda third And I'm not I am not
belittling it because I know it's realto you. But but God isn't the
author of it. When you arenot confused about the value of someone,
(19:56):
they cannot give you enough eas isto change your mind. And many of
us, when God asks us,do you want to be whole? We
want to give him all the reasonswhy we're not forgetting that he has the
power. He has the power,and when he says, do you want
(20:19):
to be whole? Then your responseshould be heck, yeah, yes,
to do and then to do whathe says, to accept the terms,
to accept what he's giving, knowinghe knows exactly what he's asking. If
(20:41):
that man said, but what you'retelling me to get up or I can't
walk? Don't you think if Icould walk out would be off this bed
by now? Yes, Dane,you're allowed too. I get it.
And that's when the night comes onyou realize it ain't that person's fault,
(21:03):
it's what you're allowed. Okay.Maybe the first time that person hits you
it shocked you because you never sawit coming. But you're going back,
you're being taught into going back intoit. You're rationalizing the reason to stay
(21:23):
in it. God is not theauthor of that. That's confusion, and
he's not confused. And we're waitingfor God to say something that's gonna mirror
our confusion. We're waiting for himto give us that answer. We're waiting
(21:48):
for him to coside on our confusion, and he never willed because he's not
confused. He ever will. It'sthe contradiction inside of us that we have
not resolved. That's the author ofthe confusion. There is truth and things
(22:11):
as a contradiction, and we havebeen socialized to put more focus on the
contradiction and walk away from the truth. We justify the contradiction as if truth
is supposed to say, oh ohhey, okay, okay, yeah,
yeah, okay, you've made avery good case. Okay, okay,
(22:32):
yeah, yeah, yeah, Iget it, I get it, I
get it. Okay, then stayin that situation because I get it.
Of God's say like we're looking forGod and say, yeah, stay in
that, stay in that, andI'll give you grace to keep letting this
man hit you side the head.Oh yeah, stay in that, stay
that, and I give you graceto keep suffering in silence. Oh yeah,
(22:53):
stay in that, Stay in that, stay that, Stay in that.
Yeah yeah, yea yea yeah.You can keep praying, you speaking
in tongue, you can keep namingit and claiming it, and you can
keep right on bypassing every opportunity forhealing. And I'm supposed to concern and
say it's okay. You have toknow that ain't God, because he's not
(23:15):
the author of confusion. I hopey'all are hearing me today, and I
think it's probably because it's getting closerto my love on your terms, masterclass,
because the reason I bring it toyou like this is because there's too
many people out here self proclaim expressiverelationships that are giving you all a pass
(23:40):
to stay in the contradiction, tostay in the confusion. And I try
to make you think that if youdo this for a man, and if
you do that for a man,and if you learn how to do this
for a man, and if youlearn how to do that for a man,
it'll resolve it. And it's alie because if you have to compromise
(24:02):
to get them, you'll have tocompromise to keep them. You will have
to because you're already compromising to bein the relationship in the first place.
And just because he puts a ringon it is not going to automatically make
it go away. It's not thehealth of your relationship is on you because
(24:33):
you got to be healthy. Andif that other person is resistant to your
being healthy, to your growth,to you becoming the best version of yourself,
if that person's intimidated by it.If that person needs to knock you
(24:55):
down a couple of notious so thatyou won't leave them, then they are
not healthy. If you got tobend over backward, if you've got to
abandon your dreams, abandon your worthiness, abandon all the things about you that
God said are good, that person'snot the right person. And you can
(25:21):
pray to you blue in the face, and God will never be the author
confusion. In my first two marriages, I oh, my God, I
did everything. I got pastoral counseling, I did everything. I fast it,
I prayed, I annoint it withoil, I laid on the altar,
(25:45):
I beg God. I did allof it. I did all of
that thinking that if I did that, God would change things. But he's
(26:07):
not the author of confusion. Andto me, I was gonna say sadly,
but I catched myself and say,no, it wasn't sadly. It
was sadly. Then I ended updivorcing him, and it was very sad
(26:27):
to me. But I would notbe in a relationship where I get to
be me every day, where itwas reflected back to me. Is God's
loving acceptance for me? In thein the personification of my husband. I
(26:48):
get to experience it every day ina way that I never ever could comprehend.
It's made my relationship with God evenstronger because I get to see the
personification. I get to experience itso I can say, now I know
(27:17):
and understand. It's not just becauseI'm married. My husband did not help
me know. I had to getdown to the knowing, to the point
that I had terms and I stillhave them. Being married to him is
(27:38):
not making me weaker. It's notmaking me more confused, it's not making
me compromise, it's not making meany of those things. I am becoming
the best version of myself. Evenmy family members notice that I'm happy.
My sister said to me, shesaid, you like yourself with him,
don't you. I said, Iactually do. I love who I'm becoming.
(28:03):
And one of the things I alwaystell my clients and even the people
that are in my love on yourTerms group, I said one thing I
will promise you. I will notlet you be as yourself because you're trying
to convince me to be confused,and I'm very clear that you're valuable.
I'm very clear to you worth moreand so when I say I understand,
(28:26):
it's not saying oh, I coside on what you're saying. I'm saying
I understand you don't know your valueyet. I'm letting you know that.
I understand you haven't done down deepenough to get an alignment with the truest
you. You haven't befriended yourself yet. You haven't found somebody you can respect
(28:51):
to that level yet. I understandthat. And that's why when you come
to my masterclass, I'm gonna talkabout it, not talk against you,
but talk against that very thing,that contradiction. And the reason I can
be so passionate, ladies, isbecause I know where you are. I
(29:12):
was there. I was there,Oh my god. I was socialized to
believe the same things you were socializedto believe. I was. I watched
it model for me, watching mymom and my dad and listening to what
(29:34):
people said and the way it waspreached over the pull up here and and
all of that. I got socializedto believe that a man decides my value,
that I'm not worthy of anything ifI can't get somebody to want to
put a ring on it. Iwas raised that to be a good woman
(30:00):
as you have a job, andyou can cook, and you can clean
real good, and you know howto be a good mama. That that
was what made you a keeper.And there's nothing wrong if that's what you
want to do, that's the wayyou respect your husband or or whatever.
I'm not coming against it, butwhat I'm saying is if you're doing it
(30:22):
to somehow earn your worth and worthiness, or that's the only thing you feel
good for, then that's some confusion. That's a contradiction to how your creator
(30:45):
sees you. So we got toresolve the contradiction right first way, Like
Jesus told a manly in Butterpool,get up right, and getting up means
get up out of that mindset,get up out of that conditioning, get
(31:07):
up out of it. Whenever Ihave a decision to make, I always
go up higher. I have foundI have to get rise up above it,
and I remember to believe that's whyJesus told a man to stand up,
stand up higher than the contradiction,Get up out of it, stand
(31:32):
up, take yourself mind space.That's by meditation and prayer and for me
going for walks in the park andmoving my molecules around it helps me to
stand up, to rise above it, to get out of the fight and
rise up. So stand up.Go higher than where you are. Go
(31:56):
higher than that mindset, Go higherthan that socialization, Go higher than that
confusion. Go up higher, Elevateyour mind, elevate yours thing. Sometimes
listening to the motivational stuff helps meto elevate. Listen to something that tells
you who you are, that's affirmingand empowering. Dance, have some fun.
(32:22):
Lift yourself up out of that right, So get up. That was
the first thing, and the secondthing was take up your bed. In
other words, start with the excuses, Start with the limiting beliefs. Start
(32:45):
with the justifications of why you layinghere, why your relationship life is so
bad. Start with all this isbecause all you're doing is spilling out the
contradiction instead of you. Instead ofthat contradiction running you. Find your power.
(33:09):
Stop letting it dictate to you.You you got the power. Don't
let it run you anymore. Don'tlet it cripple you anymore. Get up,
Take take back your power, takeback your voice, take back your
value, take back your vision.Get a hold of yourself, get a
(33:31):
hold of the situation. Stop itget dictate you, get a hold of
yourself. Get a hold of it, don't let it rule you. Get
ahold of it and walk no crutches. Stop looking for a man to pay
(33:52):
the debt that the other man made. That ain't his job. Stop looking
for a man to validate you,something for a man to do for you
what you need to do for yourself. Take up your bed and walk.
Walk Move out of that place.Walk standing your authority, own it and
(34:22):
walk with it. Walk with itbecause you have the power, you have
the resources, you have what youneed. Walk. Be healed, be
whole, Do what you have todo. Be determined that you're not gonna
accept anything less than your complete wholeness. You're not gonna accept just a maybe
(34:45):
man. You're not gonna just accepta man just the just thinks you're cute.
You're gonna have some standards, You'regonna have some turns, and you're
gonna walk in your authority. You'regonna walk in your value, You're gonna
walk in your worthiness, You're gonnawalk in your enoughness. You're not gonna
(35:07):
be afraid to let a man loveyou. You're not gonna be afraid.
There is no confusion. You're notafraid you're gonna lose yourself. You're not
afraid of getting hurt. You're notafraid of your heart gonna be broken.
You're not gonna You're not afraid you'regonna go through another abusive situation. Because
there are no more contradictions. You'veresolved your contradictions. And now a special
(35:36):
announcement. If you've tried to dolove on their terms and it didn't work,
I've got the answer. Love onyour Terms, a three five day
master class that takes you out ofthe passenger's seat and into the driver's seat
where you walk. To learn moreand to sign up to susatte solutions dot
(36:00):
com. That's at suseette solutions dotcom. It's free, it's now.
That's susatte solutions dot com. Ilook forward to seeing you there. If
(36:24):
I'm talking to you, register forthis masterclass, and now a special announcement.
If you've tried to do love ontheir terms and it didn't work,
I've got the answer. Love onyour Terms, a three five day master
(36:45):
class that takes you out of thepassenger seat and into the driver's seat where
you belong. To learn more andto sign up, go to Susatte solutions
dot com. That's at Susatte solutionsdot com. It's free, it's now,
that's suits that solutions dot Com.I look forward to seeing you there
(37:19):
because the beautiful thing about the masterclass is its multi day. That means
day at the day, at theday, what your learning is being reinforced
day after day. It's getting morefirmly in your mind, it's getting more
firmly in your spirit. Ladies,get up from the contradiction. Get up
from the contradiction. There's so muchmore waiting for you. And so in
(37:45):
my love on your Turns Masterclass,we deep dive into who you are right
out of the gate. The veryfirst session, Is it me? Because
that's what I hear? Is itme? Was it something I said?
Was it something I did? Like? Do I have this kind of something
(38:06):
written across my forard? It saysdon't love her? And then on night
too, we deal with did Ido something wrong? Because many of us
the reason that we can't go moveforward, or the reason you can't move
forward, is because you're wondering,well, did I do something wrong?
He wouldn't, He didn't tell medid I do something wrong? And that's
(38:30):
been plaguing you, and you've beentrying to outrun it, but it comes
up every time you meet somebody new. You're walking on eggshells because you're afraid
you did something wrong and says nobodytold you what you did wrong. You're
trying to kind of figure it outon your own, or you're deferring to
that man to let you know soyou won't do it again. So we
(38:53):
deal with that on the third night, we gonna deal with your superpower.
On the first two nights we're dealingwith your insecurities, you'll unanswered questions.
By the third night we talk aboutwho you are and what your superpower is
to attract great love. So we'redealing on the We're getting out of the
(39:15):
contradictions and we come in right infor who you are. On the fourth
night, we're gonna look at wherethe good men are because I hear that
all the time. Where are allthe good men? So we deal with
that on the fourth night, andon the fifth night, we deal with
(39:36):
the mindset of women who are happyin their relationships. What was their mindset?
How do they go about it,how do they how do they live
out that relationship? How do theylive it out so that they're happy.
What do they know that? Idon't know what mindset? You will deal
(40:00):
with that on the fifth night.And then I got some bonuses, some
bonus sessions in there. Oh man, So you see this is not going
to be a typical master class.Well that's it for today. Thank you
for joining me for this episode ofthe Enough back To podcast, and make
(40:22):
sure you register for the Love onYour Terms master Class. It starts tomorrow
and I hope to see you inthe place. By now you have just
listened to the Enough back To podcastwith your host soon set they're not to
(40:43):
get notified of new episodes or tod deeper in to today's topic. Become
a subscriber, and while you're atit, tell us how we're doing and
what topics you're interested in. Weappreciate your feedback and your reviews. Until
next time, Remember you are worthy. You are worthy, You are emails m
What if you knew you are enough? What would your life look like?
What would love look like? Thisis the Enough Actor Broadcasts where we're redefining
what makes you enough in life?And now here's your host, Susantte.
(00:38):
Hello, everybody is your life coachingrelationship solutionists Sustte Vietnam and welcome to My
Enough Factor podcast. Each week webring you content that will amplify what I've
identified as three critical factors of yourenoughness, your voice, your value,
(01:00):
you and your vision for I havefound that when those are working in tandem
and they've been maximized, that youhave a better experience of love and of
life. If you're new, Justto let you know a little bit about
me, I'm your relationship solutionist andI help high achieving women read it find
(01:23):
what makes them enough on their ownterms so they can break the cycle of
fail relationships and attract great love intotheir lives. So I wanted to talk
about the author of confusion. Growingup in church, I used to always
(01:47):
hear that God is not the authorof confusion. If he's not the author
of confusion, then I'm like,well, then he's not the author of
confusion and relationships either right. Oneof the things that stood out for me
was the story of the man layingby the pool and he has this encounter
(02:09):
where he's asked, do you wantto be whold? And he says in
response, well, you know,when the water is troubled, there's nobody
to put me in, as ifhe wasn't even heard the question was,
but do you want to be whole? And one of the things I found
(02:30):
to be true is when I askpeople do you want to attract great love?
They will tell me all the thingsthat are going wrong, and oftentimes
they don't answer the question right.And this man did the same thing.
He was asking you want to bewhole? He's like, well, you
(02:52):
know, every time I get readyto put myself in this pool that's healing
everybody, somebody always gets in beforeme. That's the first thing he would
say. And the second thing was, and then there's nobody to put me
in, So somebody gets that bitfor me, and there's nobody to put
me in. Where his two complaintsright? And I hear that too,
(03:15):
And don't you hear when you talkto your girlfriends or you're talking to people
about their relationship issues and problems,is usually somebody else. Well, you
know what, I'm not like her, I'm not like him. I don't
look like that, I don't actlike that, you know, you know,
or all the women that get men. You know, we all kind
(03:38):
of generalize that difficult women. Iwon't say I won't used to be word
because I wasn't raised with it.And that's one word I have not gotten
used to. Y'all know, bewith an itch that that word is just
not one of my binacular. Butthere are books written and people are saying
(04:00):
that the women that end up withmen are that, And you're like,
but I'm not like that, right, So they're beating me to the punch
because I'm not like that. Ornobody will help me. Nobody will help
me. I ask this when Italked to that one. Nobody will help
me. Those are two excuses wealways use oftentimes when somebody's asking us a
(04:25):
question. That really I tell people, you know what, when somebody who
has the power to bless you askyou a question, answer it, answer
it right. Don't go into storytime. Answer the question, not with
(04:47):
all the excuses, not I'm soconfused, not the whole thing, but
just answer the question right. Butanyway, I digress. So he's answering,
and he's given his story right,and so it's like as if Jesus
didn't even consider, didn't care,didn't say, you know what, I
(05:14):
understand. Nobody's here to put youin this water, nobody's here to help
you to get healed. I getit. I understand. You've been laying
here for a long time. You'veseen other people get things that you haven't
gotten. You've seen other people ladiesget married, and you haven't gotten married
yet. I get it, Iunderstand, I get it. He didn't
(05:39):
even get any kind of attention tothe man's story, to the man's excuses.
He didn't He said, listen,get up, take your bed up,
and walk. That was the answer. And so I started looking at
(06:05):
him and saying, Okay, whatdoes this have to do with confusion.
One of the things that it saysto me is when you come and all
you talk about is what you don'thave, what's not going right, and
you give a whole lot of reasonsand excuses for where you are in your
(06:28):
station in life that I just believe, even with Jesus's response, God is
almost like, but I didn't,but I didn't have nothing to do with
any of that. If you're confusedabout where you are, if you're confused
about your relationship, if you don'tknow who you are anymore, if you
don't know what to do, ifyou stay confused in a relationship, Wait
(06:53):
a minute, I ain't I don'tknow nothing about that. I don't have
nothing to do with that. Andwe're waiting for him to address it,
and he's like, no, letme tell you what to do, because
I don't have anything to do withyou losing yourself in relationships that don't have
nothing to do with me. Itisn't haalthing to do with me. And
(07:14):
my husband can't can't get along,That ain't nothing to do with me.
I am not the author of yourconfusion. That is not what I'm about.
Ideal in truth and ideal in clarity. So if you've lost your ability
to be clear, I'm not theauthor of that. Right. And before
I start talking about what I sawwith Jesus's response to the man, the
(07:38):
man laying by the pool, Ido want to talk about, Well,
if God isn't the author of confusion, then who iss a that's a pretty
yeah, that's a relevant question toask, isn't it. Well, if
he's not the author of it,then who is I started pondering that.
(08:03):
I started pondering when I felt confusedin my relationship what was driving my confusion?
If God didn't have nothing to dowith it, then what was the
perpetrator? What was the supplanter?What was the disruptor of my peace and
(08:28):
my clarity and my joy? Whatwas it? What was it? And
I jotted down a couple of thingsof what it was, and then I
kind of zeroed it down, youknow how you start kind of brain dumping
and then voila, here it is. And I said to myself, the
(08:52):
only reason for confusion is a lossof who you are. That something has
contradicted your value, your voice,your vision, your worth, your worthiness,
(09:20):
your enoughness. The author confusion isthe contradiction. It's not the truth,
it's the contradicteddiction. So what iscontradicting you? What's contradicting your voice,
(09:45):
which is your clarity, your expressionin the world, the way you
show up, the way you representwho you are created to be before the
foundation of the world. What's contradictingyour value, your worth, your worthiness?
(10:07):
What's contradicting it. What'sting When Isay your value that I'm talking about
what you think of yourself, whatyou think about what you deserve. If
you're questioning, if what you're askingfor is too much or too little,
(10:28):
then somehow another, there's a contradictionin your value that you have not resolved.
Or your vision. What is yourvision for your relationship? What is
your vision for how you're supposed tohow you want to show up in your
relationship, what you want it tobe, how it can build an environment
(10:50):
where you can thrive. What's thecontradiction? I know you want to make
it about him. I know it, just like that man land by the
pool, wanting to make it abouteverybody getting in before he could get in,
you know, or nobody to putme in, nobody to help me.
(11:11):
I know we want to play thevictim. But because I believe the
guy that created us never sees usas victims, and I think that's why
he doesn't. He doesn't answer.He does not answer confusion because he's not
confused. He's not confused that weare beautifully and wonderfully made. He's not
(11:33):
confused about when he created us.He said, that's good. He's not
confused. About our worth and ourworthiness. He's not of our confusion.
So what's the contradiction that you havea resolved about who you are that's causing
(11:54):
you accept less than what you deserve, that's causing you the second guest it
yourself. That's causing you to beall right when it's just you by yourself.
But when you get a relationship,it's confusion. Because if you truly
know who you are, whose youare, and why you are, it
(12:16):
does not matter who is in inproximity with you. You are not confused.
Their opinion doesn't confuse you. Theirattitude doesn't confuse you. What they
say about you does not confuse you. How they behave towards you does not
confuse you. They've acting funny towardsyou does not confuse you. You are
(12:39):
not confused by it because you've alreadylocated within yourself. You've done the work
to know who you are, toknow your value, to know your worth,
to know your worthiness, and you'renot allowing you yourself to live in
(13:01):
a situation where you're constantly having toprove it, where you're constantly having to
explain it. Because some of usthink, oh, yeah, I know
who I am. That's why Itold him. If you don't so and
so and so and so, thenyou can just go. But my thing
is, but why are you inthe covenant with somebody You got to constantly
(13:24):
remind who you are, that you'vegot to fight for it, right high
Beverly, that you gotta fight forit. Why if you know who you
are, would you be with somebodythat you've got to constantly have a tug
(13:45):
of war or arm rustle with thatyou got to constantly say, well,
listen, now, hey, thisright here, I ain't gonna do it.
And you can stay over there ifyou want to, or you can
sit right here if you want to, but I'm doing this. Why would
(14:05):
you even be in an intimate situation? Now, marriage is something a different
marriage has his ups and downs andsalways. But still, whether you're married
or single, ladies, it doesnot matter the position, whether you are
single, married, dating for fun, wherever you find yourself. If you're
(14:28):
in as complicated, if you're ina situationship, then it's not about the
man. It's about the you thathas not resolved that you're worthy enough that
you don't have to stay in covenantor date somebody or live with somebody that
(14:52):
you've got to constantly, constantly remindwho you are. And I have learned
that the longer you're with somebody thatchallenges who you are, it doesn't value
(15:13):
you to the same degree or morethen you value yourself. It eats away
at your clarity. The living withthe contradiction eats away at your clarity.
And that's why in the beginning ofa relationship, you feel fine, you
(15:37):
feel sexy, you feel good,you know who you are, You're all
that. But then the longer you'rein it, the more the goal post
gets moved, the more challenged youare, the more times you have to
contradict it to get along. Itcauses you to lose a piece of yourself,
(16:04):
little by little by little by little. And I had to say this
when I would get angry or beupset after a breakup. It wasn't so
much about what he did to me. It was about what I allowed.
That was the part that I wasscapegoating him for. It was easier to
(16:29):
be mad at him, it waseasier to point my finger at him.
It was so much easier to dothat then for me to admit that I
allowed it, that whatever was unresolvedin me that whatever payoff I was hoping
(16:53):
to get, after a while,it wasn't enough for selling my soul to
get it. That's the issue.Knowing, not thank you, beverly,
knowing who you are in your work. Knowing, that's the operative word.
(17:15):
Knowing. A lot of us believe, we hope, we think, but
we don't know, and our relationshipsare what really is the indicator that we
don't know. I know this istight, ladies, but you know I
(17:37):
gotta give it to you straight.I gotta give it to you straight.
There is nothing you can say tome to justify staying in a situation that
is eating away at you, takingbites out of you. By the time
you get out of it, youdon't know who you are. By the
(17:57):
time you get out of it,you're so exhausted. By the time you
get out of it, you knowyou are beat up, right, And
we've normalized that. But again,for those of us that are people of
faith, if we honor God andhe's not the app of confusion, then
(18:19):
God ain't got nothing to do withthis. He knows who we are.
He's not confused. It's that wedon't know. We don't know so much,
and so that when he sends usthe answer, we tell him all
(18:40):
the reasons why we can't take it. Just like this man laved by the
pool, laved by that pool waitedfor somebody to put him in. And
if you notice, Jesus didn't evensay nothing about it. He said,
man, get up, take upyour bed, and walk, because I'm
(19:06):
like, He's like, I ain'tgot nothing to do with your confusion.
I don't have nothing to do withyour confusion. I come here to give
you clarity. I come here foryour wholeness. I come here to remind
you of who you are. Solet me remind you person who's laying on
the bed cripple. Let me remindyou person who's this woe. Oh my
(19:30):
god, my relationship life is soterrible and I just can't find a good
man and oh this, that anda third And I'm not I am not
belittling it because I know it's realto you. But but God isn't the
author of it. When you arenot confused about the value of someone,
(19:56):
they cannot give you enough eas isto change your mind. And many of
us, when God asks us,do you want to be whole? We
want to give him all the reasonswhy we're not forgetting that he has the
power. He has the power,and when he says, do you want
(20:19):
to be whole? Then your responseshould be heck, yeah, yes,
to do and then to do whathe says, to accept the terms,
to accept what he's giving, knowinghe knows exactly what he's asking. If
(20:41):
that man said, but what you'retelling me to get up or I can't
walk? Don't you think if Icould walk out would be off this bed
by now? Yes, Dane,you're allowed too. I get it.
And that's when the night comes onyou realize it ain't that person's fault,
(21:03):
it's what you're allowed. Okay.Maybe the first time that person hits you
it shocked you because you never sawit coming. But you're going back,
you're being taught into going back intoit. You're rationalizing the reason to stay
(21:23):
in it. God is not theauthor of that. That's confusion, and
he's not confused. And we're waitingfor God to say something that's gonna mirror
our confusion. We're waiting for himto give us that answer. We're waiting
(21:48):
for him to coside on our confusion, and he never willed because he's not
confused. He ever will. It'sthe contradiction inside of us that we have
not resolved. That's the author ofthe confusion. There is truth and things
(22:11):
as a contradiction, and we havebeen socialized to put more focus on the
contradiction and walk away from the truth. We justify the contradiction as if truth
is supposed to say, oh ohhey, okay, okay, yeah,
yeah, okay, you've made avery good case. Okay, okay,
(22:32):
yeah, yeah, yeah, Iget it, I get it, I
get it. Okay, then stayin that situation because I get it.
Of God's say like we're looking forGod and say, yeah, stay in
that, stay in that, andI'll give you grace to keep letting this
man hit you side the head.Oh yeah, stay in that, stay
that, and I give you graceto keep suffering in silence. Oh yeah,
(22:53):
stay in that, Stay in that, stay that, Stay in that.
Yeah yeah, yea yea yeah.You can keep praying, you speaking
in tongue, you can keep namingit and claiming it, and you can
keep right on bypassing every opportunity forhealing. And I'm supposed to concern and
say it's okay. You have toknow that ain't God, because he's not
(23:15):
the author of confusion. I hopey'all are hearing me today, and I
think it's probably because it's getting closerto my love on your terms, masterclass,
because the reason I bring it toyou like this is because there's too
many people out here self proclaim expressiverelationships that are giving you all a pass
(23:40):
to stay in the contradiction, tostay in the confusion. And I try
to make you think that if youdo this for a man, and if
you do that for a man,and if you learn how to do this
for a man, and if youlearn how to do that for a man,
it'll resolve it. And it's alie because if you have to compromise
(24:02):
to get them, you'll have tocompromise to keep them. You will have
to because you're already compromising to bein the relationship in the first place.
And just because he puts a ringon it is not going to automatically make
it go away. It's not thehealth of your relationship is on you because
(24:33):
you got to be healthy. Andif that other person is resistant to your
being healthy, to your growth,to you becoming the best version of yourself,
if that person's intimidated by it.If that person needs to knock you
(24:55):
down a couple of notious so thatyou won't leave them, then they are
not healthy. If you got tobend over backward, if you've got to
abandon your dreams, abandon your worthiness, abandon all the things about you that
God said are good, that person'snot the right person. And you can
(25:21):
pray to you blue in the face, and God will never be the author
confusion. In my first two marriages, I oh, my God, I
did everything. I got pastoral counseling, I did everything. I fast it,
I prayed, I annoint it withoil, I laid on the altar,
(25:45):
I beg God. I did allof it. I did all of
that thinking that if I did that, God would change things. But he's
(26:07):
not the author of confusion. Andto me, I was gonna say sadly,
but I catched myself and say,no, it wasn't sadly. It
was sadly. Then I ended updivorcing him, and it was very sad
(26:27):
to me. But I would notbe in a relationship where I get to
be me every day, where itwas reflected back to me. Is God's
loving acceptance for me? In thein the personification of my husband. I
(26:48):
get to experience it every day ina way that I never ever could comprehend.
It's made my relationship with God evenstronger because I get to see the
personification. I get to experience itso I can say, now I know
(27:17):
and understand. It's not just becauseI'm married. My husband did not help
me know. I had to getdown to the knowing, to the point
that I had terms and I stillhave them. Being married to him is
(27:38):
not making me weaker. It's notmaking me more confused, it's not making
me compromise, it's not making meany of those things. I am becoming
the best version of myself. Evenmy family members notice that I'm happy.
My sister said to me, shesaid, you like yourself with him,
don't you. I said, Iactually do. I love who I'm becoming.
(28:03):
And one of the things I alwaystell my clients and even the people
that are in my love on yourTerms group, I said one thing I
will promise you. I will notlet you be as yourself because you're trying
to convince me to be confused,and I'm very clear that you're valuable.
I'm very clear to you worth moreand so when I say I understand,
(28:26):
it's not saying oh, I coside on what you're saying. I'm saying
I understand you don't know your valueyet. I'm letting you know that.
I understand you haven't done down deepenough to get an alignment with the truest
you. You haven't befriended yourself yet. You haven't found somebody you can respect
(28:51):
to that level yet. I understandthat. And that's why when you come
to my masterclass, I'm gonna talkabout it, not talk against you,
but talk against that very thing,that contradiction. And the reason I can
be so passionate, ladies, isbecause I know where you are. I
(29:12):
was there. I was there,Oh my god. I was socialized to
believe the same things you were socializedto believe. I was. I watched
it model for me, watching mymom and my dad and listening to what
(29:34):
people said and the way it waspreached over the pull up here and and
all of that. I got socializedto believe that a man decides my value,
that I'm not worthy of anything ifI can't get somebody to want to
put a ring on it. Iwas raised that to be a good woman
(30:00):
as you have a job, andyou can cook, and you can clean
real good, and you know howto be a good mama. That that
was what made you a keeper.And there's nothing wrong if that's what you
want to do, that's the wayyou respect your husband or or whatever.
I'm not coming against it, butwhat I'm saying is if you're doing it
(30:22):
to somehow earn your worth and worthiness, or that's the only thing you feel
good for, then that's some confusion. That's a contradiction to how your creator
(30:45):
sees you. So we got toresolve the contradiction right first way, Like
Jesus told a manly in Butterpool,get up right, and getting up means
get up out of that mindset,get up out of that conditioning, get
(31:07):
up out of it. Whenever Ihave a decision to make, I always
go up higher. I have foundI have to get rise up above it,
and I remember to believe that's whyJesus told a man to stand up,
stand up higher than the contradiction,Get up out of it, stand
(31:32):
up, take yourself mind space.That's by meditation and prayer and for me
going for walks in the park andmoving my molecules around it helps me to
stand up, to rise above it, to get out of the fight and
rise up. So stand up.Go higher than where you are. Go
(31:56):
higher than that mindset, Go higherthan that socialization, Go higher than that
confusion. Go up higher, Elevateyour mind, elevate yours thing. Sometimes
listening to the motivational stuff helps meto elevate. Listen to something that tells
you who you are, that's affirmingand empowering. Dance, have some fun.
(32:22):
Lift yourself up out of that right, So get up. That was
the first thing, and the secondthing was take up your bed. In
other words, start with the excuses, Start with the limiting beliefs. Start
(32:45):
with the justifications of why you layinghere, why your relationship life is so
bad. Start with all this isbecause all you're doing is spilling out the
contradiction instead of you. Instead ofthat contradiction running you. Find your power.
(33:09):
Stop letting it dictate to you.You you got the power. Don't
let it run you anymore. Don'tlet it cripple you anymore. Get up,
Take take back your power, takeback your voice, take back your
value, take back your vision.Get a hold of yourself, get a
(33:31):
hold of the situation. Stop itget dictate you, get a hold of
yourself. Get a hold of it, don't let it rule you. Get
ahold of it and walk no crutches. Stop looking for a man to pay
(33:52):
the debt that the other man made. That ain't his job. Stop looking
for a man to validate you,something for a man to do for you
what you need to do for yourself. Take up your bed and walk.
Walk Move out of that place.Walk standing your authority, own it and
(34:22):
walk with it. Walk with itbecause you have the power, you have
the resources, you have what youneed. Walk. Be healed, be
whole, Do what you have todo. Be determined that you're not gonna
accept anything less than your complete wholeness. You're not gonna accept just a maybe
(34:45):
man. You're not gonna just accepta man just the just thinks you're cute.
You're gonna have some standards, You'regonna have some turns, and you're
gonna walk in your authority. You'regonna walk in your value, You're gonna
walk in your worthiness, You're gonnawalk in your enoughness. You're not gonna
(35:07):
be afraid to let a man loveyou. You're not gonna be afraid.
There is no confusion. You're notafraid you're gonna lose yourself. You're not
afraid of getting hurt. You're notafraid of your heart gonna be broken.
You're not gonna You're not afraid you'regonna go through another abusive situation. Because
there are no more contradictions. You'veresolved your contradictions. And now a special
(35:36):
announcement. If you've tried to dolove on their terms and it didn't work,
I've got the answer. Love onyour Terms, a three five day
master class that takes you out ofthe passenger's seat and into the driver's seat
where you walk. To learn moreand to sign up to susatte solutions dot
(36:00):
com. That's at suseette solutions dotcom. It's free, it's now.
That's susatte solutions dot com. Ilook forward to seeing you there. If
(36:24):
I'm talking to you, register forthis masterclass, and now a special announcement.
If you've tried to do love ontheir terms and it didn't work,
I've got the answer. Love onyour Terms, a three five day master
(36:45):
class that takes you out of thepassenger seat and into the driver's seat where
you belong. To learn more andto sign up, go to Susatte solutions
dot com. That's at Susatte solutionsdot com. It's free, it's now,
that's suits that solutions dot Com.I look forward to seeing you there
(37:19):
because the beautiful thing about the masterclass is its multi day. That means
day at the day, at theday, what your learning is being reinforced
day after day. It's getting morefirmly in your mind, it's getting more
firmly in your spirit. Ladies,get up from the contradiction. Get up
from the contradiction. There's so muchmore waiting for you. And so in
(37:45):
my love on your Turns Masterclass,we deep dive into who you are right
out of the gate. The veryfirst session, Is it me? Because
that's what I hear? Is itme? Was it something I said?
Was it something I did? Like? Do I have this kind of something
(38:06):
written across my forard? It saysdon't love her? And then on night
too, we deal with did Ido something wrong? Because many of us
the reason that we can't go moveforward, or the reason you can't move
forward, is because you're wondering,well, did I do something wrong?
He wouldn't, He didn't tell medid I do something wrong? And that's
(38:30):
been plaguing you, and you've beentrying to outrun it, but it comes
up every time you meet somebody new. You're walking on eggshells because you're afraid
you did something wrong and says nobodytold you what you did wrong. You're
trying to kind of figure it outon your own, or you're deferring to
that man to let you know soyou won't do it again. So we
(38:53):
deal with that on the third night, we gonna deal with your superpower.
On the first two nights we're dealingwith your insecurities, you'll unanswered questions.
By the third night we talk aboutwho you are and what your superpower is
to attract great love. So we'redealing on the We're getting out of the
(39:15):
contradictions and we come in right infor who you are. On the fourth
night, we're gonna look at wherethe good men are because I hear that
all the time. Where are allthe good men? So we deal with
that on the fourth night, andon the fifth night, we deal with
(39:36):
the mindset of women who are happyin their relationships. What was their mindset?
How do they go about it,how do they how do they live
out that relationship? How do theylive it out so that they're happy.
What do they know that? Idon't know what mindset? You will deal
(40:00):
with that on the fifth night.And then I got some bonuses, some
bonus sessions in there. Oh man, So you see this is not going
to be a typical master class.Well that's it for today. Thank you
for joining me for this episode ofthe Enough back To podcast, and make
(40:22):
sure you register for the Love onYour Terms master Class. It starts tomorrow
and I hope to see you inthe place. By now you have just
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