S4-E36: Falling Out Of Love

There are two things that you need to "fall out of love with" in order to really open up to real love: your pain and your fantasy. In today's episode, Coach Suzette talks about these two barriers to experiencing love and what you have to do if you want to experience fulfilling love.

If after listening to this episode, you wish to talk further about your relationship challenges and how working with Coach Suzette can help, contact her Here are some ways:

Email: [e-mail]
Website: suzettesolutions.com/contact-us
Calendar: calendly.com/suzettevearnon

Join her Facebook Group at facebook.com/groups/loveonyourterms .

Episode Transcript

(00:07):
What if you knew you were enough? What would your life look like?
What would love look alike? Thisis the Enough at the broadcasts where we're
redefining what makes you enough in life? And now here's your host, Susatte.

(00:37):
Hello everybody, it's your life coachand relationship solutionist Susatte Vietnon and welcome
to my Enough Factor podcast. Eachweek, I bring you content that amplifies
what I've identified as three critical factorsof enoughness. They are your voice,
your value, and your vision.By doing so, we help you to

(01:00):
break the cycle of failed relationships andattract real deal great love into your life.
If you're new, one thing thatyou'll find it's different from other podcasts
is the fact that this podcast isspecific to women over forty who are high

(01:23):
achievers, and it takes into considerationthe unique challenges, the unique obstacles,
the dating and relating issues that wehave, and for many of us,
the struggles are really real. Thestruggles are an accumulation of picking the same

(01:47):
wrong man he's just wearing different shoes, or it's after you had that heartbreak
or that divorce, You've just kindof felt like something's missing and as a
result of that you don't feel comfortableback on the dating scene, but you

(02:07):
keep finding yourself in situationships or friendswith benefits or its complicated situations. And
so each week I share with yousome real talk, some honest insights that
I've gained over these sixty two yearsof being alive with I would say over

(02:31):
forty of those years being an adult, right, And so I learned some
things that you know that I feelI can really really help you. And
so that's what I'm doing. I'mgiving you the real, real talk with
some practical applications, some practical conversation. And I'm grateful that for whatever reason

(02:57):
that you stumble onto my podcast,I'm glad you're here. And for those
of you that tune in all thetime, Hey, I always say you're
the wind beneath my wings. You'rethe reason I keep coming back because you
are picking up what I'm putting down. You're continuing to send me love through
my email, through the dms,you know, comments on Facebook, on

(03:20):
Instagram, and I appreciate you somuch. I appreciate you so much.
Well, today I want to talkabout something that's been on my mind about
what it takes to really have thelove that you have been praying for,
wishing for, hoping for. Iwant to get real because I have found

(03:44):
that just because we want it andhope for it and wish for it and
pray for it doesn't mean we're readyfor it when it shows up. I'm
gonna ask you a question. Ifsomeone showed up right now, showed up
today, who had all the qualitiesthat you've been praying for, would you

(04:10):
be like, Oh, thank youLord for sending him. Or would you
be like, hmm, can't nobodyto be that perfect? Wonder what's wrong
with them? And you're waiting forthe other shoe to drop, waiting for
it to drop to the point thatyou're not able to truly allow yourself to

(04:31):
relax enough to experience the normal gettingto know somebody period. You want to
skip steps, you want to rushit through, You want to figure him
out sooner rather than later. Buthere's the thing. If you're bringing your
old mindset to the party, yourold mindset is going to sabotage it.

(04:57):
And so I thought, there aretwo things that have to happen before you're
really open and willing to really getto know a person and to give them
the true benefit of the doubt.One of those things is you have to
let go of the pain. Ilike to say you need to fall out

(05:23):
of love with the pain. Andyou might say, Susan, I'm not
in love with the pain. I'mtrying to avoid the pain. Sister girl,
Well, what you focus on iswhat you get. And if you're
so focused on the pain, thepain has your focus, has your allegiance,

(05:44):
has your attention to the point thatyou can't even see this new person.
You're so busy looking at them throughthe eyes of your pain, they
don't have a chance. You'll neversee them for who they truly are,
because your pain is blinding you.You're so enamored with your pain, your

(06:10):
pain story, what you've been through, what happened to you, how you
got hurt, Why you don't trustmen. You're so in love with that
till you can't even see a goodman if God sent him to you tomorrow
or today. Right. The secondthing that you have to fall out of

(06:30):
love with is your fantasy. Oneof the things I've found is nothing stokes
a fantasy like pain. When Italk to women and I ask them what
do you want? They tell meall the things that they don't want right,

(06:51):
and they feel like this fantasy man. If they just meet mister Wright,
he is going right every wrong that'sever been done to them. If
they just meet mister Wright, theywon't have the problems and the hiccups and
the struggles they had in previous relationshipsthat him being mister Wright will solve it

(07:15):
all, and that's simply not true. Let me ask you a question.
Do you think you're a good woman? I can imagine that your answer is
yes. Right. Let me askyou this, do you make mistakes?

(07:41):
Your answer would be right. I'llask you another question, do you get
it wrong sometimes and have to apologize? I'm sure your answer will be right.
Well, why would you expect agood man to be any different?
Good men make mistakes, good menget it wrong. Good men have insecurities

(08:09):
too, just like you do.Right, And so if you already are
in love with your fantasy ideal ofwhat the right man is or what a
real man should be, then thereis no room for the man sitting right
across the table from you. There'sno room for him. I daresay you

(08:35):
don't even recognize him. There's noway you can recognize a good man when
a bad man is all you cansee in your man's eye. If in
your glasses all you see is badmen, how are you going to recognize
a good one? What you willend up doing is painting him with the
same paint brush that you paint badmen. Because there are qualities that are

(08:58):
all men have, and you knowwhat that quality is. All men are
men. As Jonathan Astley says,he's not a hairy version of yourself,
and I want to add, he'snot a hairy version of your girlfriends.
So just because you and your girlfriendsagree about something does not mean you all

(09:24):
are right, because you're looking atit through the lens of being a woman,
through the lens, your own femininelens. But you've never, ever,
ever, ever stopped to learn toget to know a man on a
man's terms. That's the only waythat you can. You can only determine

(09:45):
whether a man is a good manbased on a good man's terms. But
can I tell you something, Hewill never be a good woman and your
female feminine womanly right, Chanel,for the reason he's doing what he's doing
will never be right because he's aman. One of the things I realized

(10:09):
after my second divorce was how littleI knew about men. I have been
married to a man, It's true, but all I knew was my experience
experience with that man, but nothow men, or as the old folk
would say, how men folk are. There are certain qualities and characteristics that

(10:33):
are common among men. Whether they'regood men or bad men is still part
of in the man or men soup. Just as we women. We might
not know a woman, we mightnot know anything about her, but there
are certain things inherent to us womenthat we can spot things about a woman

(11:01):
that we just met because we've grownup as women and we know them.
We know how we think, weknow how we show up, we know
how we process. We know whensomebody's playing games, we know when they
affect they're phony. We know becausewe've been our feminine skin all our lives.

(11:24):
Well, then that's the same thingabout men. The reason I know
what I know about men is becauseI umble myself and let a good man
teach me. And thank god Ihad multiple good men, because those are
the ones I saw out. Thefirst men I sought out were family members

(11:46):
who I knew were not trying torun game on me, or we're not
trying to have holla at a system. My cousin Lawrence God rest his soul
was my goal to And though therewere times where I thought he was wrong,
he was ninety nine point nine percentright, And so I had to

(12:07):
umble myself. At first. Ifought with him a little bit, pushed
back. Now you don't get it. No, you don't understand the specialness
of what me and this guy have. But can I tell you he was
ninety nine point nine percent right inthe final analysis. Likewise, if you

(12:30):
really want to know about men,you have to have or been under tutelage
of a good man. And sadlymany of us had good fathers. But
our good fathers fathers did not teachus what we needed to know about good
men. Now, some fathers outthere might have done that. They may

(12:54):
have taught you, and if so, that's great. But just because my
father was a good father and hewas in my life, and here my
mom stayed married till he died,so I had the benefit of growing up
in a two parent household, itstill did not shield me and my sisters
from all marrying the wrong men andall getting divorces. There was something wrong

(13:20):
in the soup, or maybe itwas one of those things where I can
show you better than I can tellyou. And as much as I'm a
daddy's girl, my dad was nota good example of a good man when
it came to emotional availability and emotionalaccessibility. He was not. He was

(13:48):
raised in the generation of men don'tcry, and it annoyed him to high
Heaven if his daughters cry. Itannoyed him. He thought it was weakness,
and so for a very long time, I didn't know how to access

(14:13):
myself emotionally. So therefore I couldnot be emotionally available for anybody else.
I didn't know how. I didn'teven know it was a thing. All
I knew was I felt like myparents gave me the tools, and society
taught me how to quote unquote earnearn being picked as a wife. But

(14:39):
the person that picked me wasn't agood husband. So I had to learn
first to become emotionally available for myself, learned the qualities about myself that I
could respect and love based on myown definition, on my own terms,

(15:01):
and then learn how to recognize goodqualities, recognize integrity in men. And
one thing I learned ladies that Ireally want you all to really hear,
just because he has good man qualitieswhen it comes to he's a great father
to his kids. He takes goodcare of his mom, you know,

(15:22):
loves his mom. His family sayshe's a stand up guy and a great
guy. And he goes to workevery day, you know, makes an
honest living wage, good with hismoney. Does not mean he's gonna be
good to you. All those thingsare great things. Him going to church.

(15:46):
You know, y'all having similar beliefswhen it comes to God and Jesus
and Christianity and whatever. You mighteven have the same or beliefs or preferences
when it comes to the political spectrum. But the real test and real test
of integrity and maturity and self work, not self worth, but kind of

(16:12):
I think, let's go together selfworth and self work is how he treats
you. That's really the deciding factor. And so many times we decide that
somebody's good based on how they treateverybody else than us. How we feel

(16:36):
with him matters. If you don'tfeel seen or heard or that you matter,
then that's important. If you feellike he has old ideals of what
a woman's place is and that doesn'tfit you. It matters if beyond going

(16:59):
to church, you don't have anythingelse in common. It matters if he's
uncomfortable with intimacy and affection and you'rea person that needs physical touch. It
matters if he's really ambitious and it'sgoing for his dreams and he works late

(17:22):
and he's so busy most of thetime that it's very hard to get a
date with him and quality time isyour love language. It matters no matter
how good everybody else says he is, no matter no matter what their definition
is. The only way you're gonnaknow he's a good man for you is

(17:45):
how he treats you. I hadto go through some good men who weren't
good for me before I found myright man. That I never could have
done it if I didn't fall outof love with my pain and fall out

(18:06):
of love with my ideal, becausemy ideals most of the time were based
on I don't want him to belike my father, and I don't want
him to be like the last manthat hurt my feelings. And that's not
really being clear about what it isyou do want. You have to be

(18:29):
able to articulate exactly what you dowant, and then do the work to
figure out how a man shows upwith those qualities? How do you know
that he has those qualities? What'sthe process? How do you find out?

(18:51):
How does a man represent that hasthe qualities you're looking for? Are
the qualities you're looking for compatible withwho you are and what you really need
or something you read in the Hallmarkhard or saw on a romance a romance

(19:14):
series on television, right. Andso that's what makes my work with women
over forty so important because I didn'thave these things, and as a result
of it, I stumbled and bumbledand got hurt and got bloodied and got
drugged through the mud and risen andrepeated it over and over and over again,

(19:38):
one failed relationship after another because Ididn't know these things. That's why
it's so important to me to sharewhat I've learned with the people that really
want to know. And if I'mtalking to you right now, guess what

(20:00):
I'm available. I'm available to reallyhave a one on one with you.
I have a free consultation and Iwould love to just chat with you to
hear what it is that you reallyreally want and to see if maybe I

(20:21):
can work with you to help youto get that, to see if we're
a good fit, to see ifthis is the next right step for you
at this age and stage of life. One of the things that I'm becoming
increasingly clear about is the longer thatI wait does not do me any favors.

(20:44):
Every day I wait is another dayI get older, another day lost.
And I've found out that time isso precious that it's getting to the
point where it feels like time isaccelra rating. And if I don't do
it today, when I look up, two years have gone by, right,

(21:07):
and so now is the time.There's no better time to really do
what you need to do to resolveyour relationship issues. There's no time like
the present. And if you wantto just kind of in your trying to

(21:30):
figure out who's the right fit foryou, you'd like to vet me,
feel free, Feel free my information. My contact information is in the description,
and let's just schedule a fifteen minuteconsultation. If it goes a little
over, that's okay. I usuallyallow fifteen minutes in between my consultations so

(21:53):
that I can just kind of pauseand be fresh for the next person.
So if it goes over a littlebit. That's fine, but don't you
deserve to know whether I'm the rightfit for you. Don't you deserve to
really talk to different people and vetdifferent people, and stop living with a
lymp that you can really heal.Stop being in love with your pain story

(22:21):
of the reason why you are whereyou are, you know, stop with
the fantasy man that you keep righton thinking that's what you need, what
you want, but you don't knowhow to recognize him. And so you
might be walking right past somebody whoreally could have given you exactly what you
wanted, but you were so filledup with the pain you've been through that

(22:48):
you don't know how to recognize thegood man when he shows up. And
I would love to be able totalk with you and and let's see if
what I have to offer could reallybenefit you. Okay, So I'd love
to talk with you. Feel free, Feel free to share this podcast episode

(23:11):
out. I love comments. Ifsomething really resonated with you, I would
love for you to leave a review. If you go to Apple Podcasts and
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go to Suzette Solutions dot com forwardslash listen that's list, isn't Tom e

(23:34):
n is a Nancy. And thereyou'll see some very popular places where my
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(23:55):
that where my podcast shows up.Just choose your favorite. But if you're
gonna leave a review, which Iwould absolutely be so appreciative if you do,
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people. And that's really what Iwant. I want more people to see

(24:19):
it and hear it, because somebodyout there is waiting to hear someone just
really talk about these things the wayI do, and it'll resonate with them.
So make sure you share with yourfriends, your colleagues, your family,
and I look forward to your tuningin again. My podcast is weekly

(24:41):
every Sunday morning at eight am.You'll get my fresh perspective. Okay,
so thanks again for listening, anduntil next time. Just in case no
one has told you you are onehundred percent worthy, one hundred percent worth
it, and one hundred percent enoughby now, you have just listened to

(25:04):
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(25:26):
remember you are worthy, you areworth it, You are enough.