September 21, 2025 • 45 mins
Social connections are critical for mental and physical wellbeing, and they significantly impact academic performance. Dr. Kimberly Horne shares evidence-based insights on nurturing friendships even during busy periods of study and examination preparation.
• Loneliness affects concentration, GPA, and even immune system function
• College social terrain differs dramatically from high school, requiring new connection strategies
• Introverts can benefit from sitting in the same class spot and keeping notes about conversation topics
• Scheduling social time should be as intentional as scheduling study time
• "Micro connections" of just 5 minutes can provide significant benefits during busy periods
• Finding your "tribe" through shared interests makes forming deeper connections easier
• Friendships serve as anchors during challenging times on campus
If you found this episode helpful, please consider leaving us a review, following the show, or supporting us on Patreon. Your engagement helps us reach more people with these important messages about study success and wellbeing.
**
Find out more about Dr Kimberly Horn:
• Discover more resources on her website: https://www.drkimberlyhorn.com/
• Grab a copy of her book Friends Matter, for Life at https://geni.us/kimberlyhorn *
**
Find out more about Exam Study Expert:
Hosted by William Wadsworth, memory psychologist, independent researcher and study skills coach. I help ambitious students to study smarter, not harder, so they can ace their exams with less work and less stress.
BOOK 1:1 COACHING to supercharge your exam success: https://examstudyexpert.com/workwithme/
Get a copy of Outsmart Your Exams, my award-winning exam technique book, at https://geni.us/exams *
*As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases on suggested books.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello and welcome to the Exams to the Expert podcast.
My friends, today we're talkingabout the power of social
connection, why it matters to usall, and especially to us
students and scholars.
We're going to be talking abouthow we can nurture those
all-important friendships andsocial connections even when
we're super busy and even whenwe don't perhaps make friends or
(00:26):
feel we make friends thateasily.
This episode forms part of ouroccasional well-being series
focusing on all those things,all those ingredients that help
us be as successful as we can bein our scholarship.
We talk about things likemanaging your mental health,
your well-being, stress, anxiety, and the power of social
(00:47):
connection is a really importantcomponent of that that we've
not really talked about at allon the podcast before.
To help us navigate this, I'mdelighted that we're joined by
the wonderful Dr Kimberly Hornetoday.
Kimberly is a longtimeprofessor, a research
psychologist and authorcurrently at the Virginia Tech
(01:07):
University.
Her message is clear there isvery substantial evidence that
social connections are animportant component for not only
mental but even physicalwell-being.
I came across Kimberly's workrecently via her wonderful book
Friends Matter for Life, whichI'd highly recommend, and was
immediately very keen to bringher onto the show to teach us
(01:29):
more, because when I'm talkingto my students, my clients in my
coaching, work so much of thetime like that, those then
there's kind of socialconnections at school, at
university.
You know, even for some of theprofessionals I coach, that kind
of social component can be areal sort of source of things
that we worry about.
It's going to be a real sourceof kind of tension, anxiety and
(01:49):
and when we get it right, it canbe a real source of support and
a hugely valuable part of ourultimate success in our
scholarship and in our having anice time as a human being
generally.
So we're releasing this episodein September and, as I
mentioned in the episode acouple of weeks back, september
always feels like back to schoolseason for me, so many new
(02:11):
terms and semesters get underwayfor so many of us.
So perhaps a particularly goodepisode.
If you yourself are starting outat a new school, new college,
new university at the moment ifthat's you, then kimberly has
some very nice, very gentle,very practical ideas, uh, for us
to help us build thoseall-important connections as
we're getting into our uh, aswe're kind of establishing
(02:33):
ourselves perhaps in a brand newsocial environment.
We'll also be looking atspecific suggestions to help if
you're especially sociallynervous, um, and taking a look
as well at some ideas.
You know if and I particularlyrelate strongly to this recently
, you know, if you feel likeyou're just juggling a bajillion
things and you find yourselfstruggling to keep up with
friendships as a result I'mthinking particularly, perhaps,
(02:57):
of some of my professionalclients here who are putting in,
you know, all those hours ofstudy for a demanding exam
alongside a day job and perhapseven caring for a family too.
So, lots of ideas, no matterwhere we are in our journey, and
I think you'll find a lot ofreally wonderful, really kind of
actionable steps to take today.
You know this isn't just a kindof a pep talk.
Oh, this really matters.
You know, kimberley has somereally just really nice, really
(03:18):
practical ideas that I thinkwe'll all be able to kind of
take away and no matter wherewe're at, no matter what we
struggle with, there'll besomething useful in this episode
that you can use to help youmove forward.
So I really hope you enjoytoday's episode.
Let's welcome Kimberley to theshow.
So, kimberley, a very warmwelcome to the Exam Study Expert
podcast.
Speaker 3 (03:38):
Thank you so much, William.
I'm honoured to be here.
Speaker 1 (03:42):
We're honoured to have you here and we'd love to
just give us your briefintroduction to sort of who you
are and what you do.
Speaker 3 (03:49):
Sure, my name is Dr Kimberly Horne.
I'm a research psychologist andprofessor and I've been in the
academy in the US for it's hardto believe, going on 30 years
now and I've spent, you know, achunk of my career mentoring and
(04:10):
training college students alongthe way, both in the classroom
and as part of my science.
And you know, much of myresearch over the past of
decades has really focused onpublic health and in my research
(04:36):
I've seen how our health is soimpacted by our social
connections and, as you'reprobably aware, there's been an
increasing loneliness epidemicin the world, all across the
world, which is a public healthcrisis.
So, more recently, I've takenmy work as a professor and a
scientist and tried to figureout how I can use both my
(04:56):
research and my lived experienceto address that loneliness
crisis.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
So I wonder if you could share maybe a little bit
more on kind of why connectionis so important.
So you know, there's obviouslythere's been a fair bit of work
out there and you know, perhapsjust give us a little bit more
colour on sort of the ways youknow human connection can kind
of positively impact people andhow its absence can cause us
(05:23):
challenges.
Speaker 3 (05:24):
Well, I mean when I recently turned my messaging
around my research and my workto a book, and the book is
called Friends Matter for Lifeand in fact they do.
And my hope is that we can lookat friendship as an antidote to
to loneliness, because it issomething that's available to
(05:47):
almost everyone.
You know, friendship assomething that's accessible to
us to address loneliness, Ithink is important across the
lifespan and, as you mentioned,research has shown us more and
more no-transcript.
(06:36):
But on the flip side of that,when we are more connected, when
we have those people in ourlives that we can depend on and
rely on, we get all thosefeel-good hormones.
We get those warm and cozyhormones and chemicals that just
help us to be healthier, lessstressed, more relaxed, more in
(07:02):
tune with ourselves and thosearound us.
So the list just goes on and onof the benefits and in fact,
that more just recently, the USSurgeon General underscored that
our social health is just asimportant as our physical health
.
Speaker 1 (07:21):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I mean speaking for me,me personally, and I'm not proud
of this, but you know whentimes get busy, uh, as life has
been for me personally recently,uh, you know, had I've got two,
two small children, and thatkeeps you quite, quite busy and,
uh, you know it's been a busytime sort of with with my, my
work and exam study expert you,which I love, but it's been
(07:44):
quite a full life in recentyears and the thing that gave
first and was last to come backand I am happy it's now coming
back for me was connections withfriends, and I don't know
whether that's a kind of acommon thing, but you know, that
sort of seems like a luxurysometimes when life is really
(08:05):
busy, and perhaps it shouldn'tbe that way.
Speaker 3 (08:07):
I think that is common.
I mean, there are majortransition points and I know
your podcast has a largeaudience of college students and
those who serve collegestudents, maybe those who are
getting ready to enter collegeand going to college is up there
with the major life transitionsthat you just described, which
is becoming a parent and gettingmore busy professionally.
(08:29):
We experience these differenttransitions in life, our whole
lives, and there are times when,you know, friendships wax and
wane in terms of importance andin terms of accessibility, wax
and wane in terms of importanceand in terms of accessibility.
But my point is that, eventhrough these transitions, we
(08:50):
can find ways, and should findways, to prioritize those
friendships and connections inour lives.
Speaker 1 (08:57):
And excited to talk to you Because they matter
especially more.
Speaker 3 (09:01):
Yeah, Well, that's the thing.
It's the time you need it.
Speaker 1 (09:04):
It's like the old quote from the, the dalai from
the sort of attribution to thedalai lama.
It might be apocryphal, but youknow the the busy businessman
that says, oh, I don't have 10minutes a day to meditate, and
then he goes oh well, then youneed to do it for two hours.
The more the harder it is tofit in, the more we, more we
need it sort of thing.
And so I, I knowley you talkabout this term, social terrain,
(09:25):
and you mentioned quite rightlythat many of our listeners are
either at school or collegeuniversity.
You know, you've worked in thatenvironment for a long time.
Like, firstly, what is socialterrain to you and, kind of, how
would you characterize thesocial terrain of particularly
being at college or university?
Speaker 3 (09:43):
Yeah, well, I mean social, um, changes throughout
our lives, right?
And I think that, uh, we haveto learn to adapt and adjust to
those, those different types ofterrain, terrain at different
points in our lives, and youknow, college, for example, um,
(10:04):
or going to college, especiallyfor the first time, creates a
new kind of terrain.
These are situations andcircumstances that we have to
learn to navigate and sometimesthey require new skill sets,
sometimes they require brushingup on old skill sets.
But when you think aboutcollege, going to college
especially and a recent studycame out that I found very
(10:27):
interesting, that it was in theJournal of Adolescence and that
a lot of times when students goaway to college, they expect the
terrain to be very similar incollege in terms of making
friends and connections, as itwas in high school, similar in
college in terms of makingfriends and connections, as it
(10:48):
was in high school.
In fact, some students eventhink it's going to be easier,
and in fact it's not for many,for most, in fact.
And where that delta lives andwhat they expect and what the
reality is lives, and what theyexpect and what the reality is
(11:09):
is where loneliness can creep in, and you think about the
terrain of, let's say, highschool, when you have more built
in a terrain that has built inconditions for connection.
One you've probably been withthe same group of peers for, in
some cases, maybe a decade,right, you've joined the same
teams.
You've been in the same groupof peers for, in some cases,
maybe a decade, right, you'vejoined the same teams.
You've been in the sameclassrooms, you've passed in the
(11:29):
same hallways and stopped atyour lockers and you've been at
the same lunch tables and maybeeven the same bus stops.
So that's very familiar terrain.
And when students go away tocollege, that terrain shifts
significantly and a lot of timesthe whole geography is far more
(11:51):
massive than what they mighthave experienced in high school.
There are hundreds of new peers, new faces, new conditions
going to and from classes.
You know varied ways to havemeals and share meals with
individuals.
So that terrain looked verydifferent socially than it did
(12:13):
when they were in high school.
And the expectations thatthings are going to be easier
are not the case and studentscan feel very behind quickly
because there's this expectation.
Well, I'm gonna, you know, I'mjust gonna make it's gonna be so
easy to make friends andconnections.
Speaker 1 (12:32):
I have all these people around me, and that's not
the case certainly one thing Iremember about my experience you
have a sense that you can doanything, but you can't do
everything.
You can't even do a tinyfraction of it.
So, um yeah, it's almost sortof overwhelming.
Where do you even start?
So certainly there's that sortof challenge of transition.
(12:56):
I mean any other sort of trendsor challenges you've noticed
among students as they kind ofprogress through the college,
their kind of time at college,when it comes to sort of
challenge, staying connectedI've had um because I've worked
with so many, in fact hundredsof students over the years.
Speaker 3 (13:18):
I've I've seen both sides, you know.
I've seen the the, the beauty,and I've seen the struggles.
I think there are two types ofloneliness happen around this
time period.
One is the you know, the socialloneliness of thinking like
gosh, I just don't have thatmany people to hang out with.
You know, I don't.
I'm not sure exactly where mytribe is right now, I don't know
(13:43):
the right people.
And then there's the emotionalloneliness, which is sometimes
more difficult to navigatebecause they feel like I don't
really have anyone who knows medeeply, I don't have anyone that
I feel truly connected with,and that's a big part, I think,
when students go away to college, that's a big part of what they
(14:06):
miss with their familiarfriends and families that you
know, emotional loneliness canbe very painful.
So those are some of the thingsthat I've certainly seen.
Even though people may havecrowds around them, they still
don't feel they don't feelconnected.
They don't feel connected.
(14:27):
You know it's, and that I thinkthat's important to know that
that time period around 18 to 25is a high risk period for
loneliness in general, becausethat's when, that's when we're
starting to really think aboutwho we are and our identity and
where do we belong and who, whois our tribe, who are our people
and and and it also comes withautonomy and you know, trying to
(14:48):
figure out who you are withoutthe rails and the you know and
the um, the guideposts that havebeen there your whole life.
That makes it become even morechallenging to to to find out
who you are and who you belongwith.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure for sure, and I wonder if
I could just ask a littlesidebar question.
We're building towards maybetalking about some.
What could we do about all ofthis?
But I just wanted to askquickly first, if I could.
You know, I'm just curious whatwas the motivation for you know
your interest in this field andobviously getting to the point
where you wanted to write amajor book on the subject?
Speaker 3 (15:30):
My motivation, I think, came from motivation for
the book, came from many yearsof seeing how social connection
and social, our social networks,are tied to almost every aspect
of health behavior.
A lot of my studies wererelated to, let's say, addiction
(15:55):
, tobacco use in particular,physical activity, nutrition,
those sorts of things.
And in almost all of my studies, somewhere somewhere in the
risk factors or somewhere in theprotective factors, social
support came through.
(16:18):
I think.
During the pandemic I saw myresearch playing out all around
me and it was a grand experimentfor loneliness and social
connection and, and like mostpeople, I had a lot of time to
think during that time periodand it made me want to do more
(16:43):
than another study, because someof my studies, my studies, said
we're clear.
So how do we translate that andget the message out of?
How do we better connect andwhy is it important for our
health and our overallwell-being?
And I just, you know, kind ofstarted dabbling in writing and
(17:08):
thinking through how I couldcommunicate this message through
a book that would be read bymore than you know a handful of
people, which, as we talkedabout earlier, william, I have a
lot of academic publications,but geez, who reads all of those
, and I'm lucky if each paper isread by 10 people.
(17:29):
So I thought that perhaps abook would be something that
could be more consumable andwould reach more people and
teaching them and sharing themessage of why we need each
other in this world, whycommunity is important, why
friends are important, whyconnection is important to just
(17:51):
every aspect of our being, and Iguess that's in a nutshell
where how I landed here yeah,yeah, that's wonderful.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
That's in a nutshell where how I landed here.
Yeah, yeah, that's wonderful,that's wonderful.
Well, we should dive in ifyou're willing to talk a little
bit about what we can do.
So I'm sure this is a bigmonster open-ended question for
a specialist in the field, butkind of, what are some of the
big things we can think aboutwhen it comes to sort of
nurturing those connections thatare so important?
Speaker 3 (18:22):
One of the points I want to make right off the bat
is to people who are listeningis why this is important,
particularly in the academicrealm.
We know that I like to thinkabout friendship as a health
intervention, right, I mean,it's just good for us and, you
know, psychologically I thinkit's important to know that when
(18:45):
we don't have it and we don'tfeel connected, I mean it can be
linked to anxiety anddepression and various types of
stress.
Academically, when we're lonelyand disconnected, our
concentration is less.
It can lead to lower GPA andirregular attendance in class
(19:07):
and all the other things thataffect performance, like sleep
disruption and fatigue.
And, just, you know, our immunesystem's just not functioning,
you know, at optimum.
So you know, friends andconnections can help buffer that
.
I want to make that clear, thatthat is really the context of
all of this is that, especiallygiven your podcast and your
(19:32):
audience, that this you know,yes, there are particular ways
we can study and perform andhave our performance be.
You know, yes, we, there areparticular ways we can study and
perform, and, and and have ourperformance, be, you know,
heightened.
This is also a part of that mixis making sure we're taking
care of ourselves socially andso, um, I think, if we're
(19:52):
setting some, you know, real X,realistic expectations for how
do we, how do we approach this,you know I think it's very
practical, so I don't wantpeople to overthink it there are
some real practical, tangible,step-by-step things that people
can do, that students can do toenhance their relationships and
(20:16):
their friendships.
First, I want to normalize it.
Particularly those who might begoing off to college or
starting college for the firsttime, it's very, very normal for
it to take time to make newfriends.
It's not something that happensin days, you know.
It is something that can take,you know, weeks or months to
(20:40):
nurture those kinds offriendships, and it's common to
feel lonely in the beginning andit's also temporary.
So it's something that peoplecan sort of, you know, wiggle
their way through and developsome skills to help get through.
It's a myth that you knowyou're going to make all of your
(21:04):
best friends.
You know the welcome week andyou know from all these other
initial activities that takeplace.
It's a skill and it takespractice.
So I think you know there aresome, are some, there are no
doubt there are some people whomaking friends is a little more
difficult than others, and wecan talk more about that if we
(21:25):
want to get a little bit morenuanced.
But if I could just like talkabout some, some daily habits,
let's just say that you knowyou're starting your freshman
year, you have a series ofclasses.
Sometimes it might help just totry to sit in the same spot in
(21:46):
the classes that you go to and,you know, strike up
conversations with the peoplethat also happen to sit.
There are those people who liketo sit in the same spot and if
you can sit in the same spot andyou also have other people who
are sitting in the same spot,that can certainly be a way to
have conversation starters,particularly when you're feeling
a little awkward about it.
(22:07):
Someone to walk back to.
You know a dorm or a coffeeshop or somewhere on campus.
You know, walk together, justsay, hey, would you like to walk
?
And, you know, grab some coffeeor you know whatever it is.
That might be something that youcould do afterward with just
(22:29):
one person.
It doesn't have to be a gang ora group.
One of the things I like torecommend too and I do this
myself, especially if I'm goingto be in new situations, meeting
new people is.
I keep kind of a running notesabout people in my phone and I
(22:50):
think that that can beincredibly helpful.
You know Sarah English loves tohike, you know, just like just
brief notes to help me rememberand jar my memory and I go back
to those If I'm going to a newmeeting or a new group.
I look back on those becausethose help me start
conversations, especially whenit might be a little awkward and
(23:13):
I don't really know thecircumstances that well, use
people's names, you know, saypeople's names, smile.
Speaker 1 (23:31):
Show that you're open to possibility of conversation.
Speaker 3 (23:32):
Put your phone down, look up, smile at people, show
that you're open to conversation.
Those are very important cues,and I think we have to be
careful about overlying onsocial media, too, for making
our human connections.
And I'm not dismissing socialmedia I value it, I use it and I
(23:55):
think it has a place when itcomes to making new connections.
I think that we can use it as abridge and not as a way to just
fully.
That's the only way that wecommunicate with people, and
maybe you're connecting withsomeone.
You've shared numbers, you'retexting, or maybe it's a new
(24:17):
online group.
That's perfectly fine and thoseare ways to start relationships
, but I also think it'sincredibly important to find
FaceTime with each other.
There are things that I thinkthat are important are to find
(24:38):
your tribe, find your people,think about and let your passion
guide that you know are you.
Do you want to get involved ina faith-based group?
Are you physically active?
Maybe it's intramurals, maybeit's a cultural group, maybe
it's some group that's shapedaround identity.
Maybe you want to volunteer.
(24:58):
So look for those sorts ofactivities that meet with your
values and your passion and youridentity.
If it doesn't, don't be afraidto jump around and try different
things.
If something doesn't feel good,you don't have to stick with it
.
Do something else.
Speaker 1 (25:17):
Yeah, that's such great advice and thank you so
much for sharing those ideas.
Speaker 3 (25:23):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (25:25):
Certainly some things that I think, oh yeah, if I'd
have my time again.
I'd definitely bear that in mind.
I'd definitely bear that inmind.
So thank you Absolutely.
You mentioned, you know, forsome people it's maybe a
slightly longer process thanothers and some people find the
(25:47):
making friends thing hard.
You know, classically, perhaps,in the view of this, I'm
someone who's maybe a bit moreintroverted than others and a
bit more shy and awkward.
I personally would considermyself a little bit further down
that spectrum in terms ofnaturally, you know, I'm a bit
more like oh, just I'll keepmyself to myself, but then of
course we never make friends, wenever make those connections.
Do you have any particularsuggestions for people?
Speaker 3 (26:10):
with that tendency, sure, um, you know, I think that
there are there's some nuancedadvice that it is meaningful to
maybe someone who's shy oranxious or, you know, maybe they
have some type of neurodivergence, whether that's ADHD
or something else, where thosesituations are just, you know,
(26:34):
kind of like you know nails on achalkboard, it's not, it's it's
, it's very uncomfortable and insome cases you know, kind of
like you know nails on achalkboard, it's not, it's very
uncomfortable and in some cases,you know, kind of scary.
So I would say, you know, startsmall.
You don't have to be a bigjoiner, you know, if that
doesn't feel good to you, ifit's not comfortable.
(26:54):
Again, I go back to the.
You know, maybe focus in on,you know, sit in the same place
in your classes or frequent thesame places in the student
center or in your residentialfacility, so that a lot of times
that breeds sort of familiarityand you'll start to see the
same sort of people.
(27:15):
Maybe it's you get comfortableenough to strike up a
conversation and to be open, tosmile when you can and I realize
that retreat is important too,but to be aware, when it feels
safe to to smile and to be openand to allow yourself to have
that experience yourself to havethat experience Again.
(27:42):
I think keeping names and notesis very important because it's
something that you can fall backon for, even if you have, like,
conversation starters in yourphone notes.
I think that's really importantbecause conversation starters
can be things that you might beuncomfortable with on the fly.
Speaker 1 (27:58):
Yes.
Speaker 3 (27:58):
But if you know some of them and you've rehearsed
some of them and you have themclose by, you can take a look at
them and that can give you alittle bit more comfort and
security, even if it's just hey,how's it going?
I've seen you several timeshere, how's it going?
Or are you in the storm or justmaybe have two or three things
(28:20):
that are easy conversationstarters for you.
The other thing is to reallykind of reframe vulnerability.
You know, sometimes peoplethink that being the first
person to reach out is is weak,reach out is weak and you know
(28:44):
it's not, or they feel likethey're not, they won't be well
received, and so, again, thosevery brief conversation starters
once things become morefamiliar.
The other thing I think isimportant is you're not on a
clock.
This is not a race.
Yes, it's important to buildconnections and to make friends.
(29:05):
Are it's just really importantto set your own clock at this.
You can make your pace slowerif you need to, and it really is
(29:32):
more about gaining people atthis point that you have some
depth with, and going back tothat emotional loneliness versus
the social loneliness is thatyou start to develop.
It's important to start todevelop relationships with
people that feel a little deeper, especially if you have some
(29:55):
social anxiety issues.
The other thing that I thinkmight be particularly important
is to find some study groups,because not only do they
obviously they're important forperformance, but the
conversation and the themesaround gathering are sort of
(30:15):
built in.
You don't have to be the personwho initiates or think about
what you're going to say,because you know you're going
there to study X subject andit's built in.
So, again, those are just some,some small tips, but I think
that you have to follow.
What I don't like to see iswhen people just completely
(30:41):
retreat and their fear andanxiety prevents them from
having any sort of interaction.
So start small, do something.
Do something and I think therest will follow.
Speaker 1 (30:59):
That's beautiful advice.
That's beautiful advice.
And the other sort ofchallenging case I wanted to ask
you about was, I guess, kind ofcircling back to a comment I
was making earlier.
You know, when we feel likelife's getting very busy, as it
often does, particularly as wego through the year and get
closer to kind of exam deadline,assignment season for students
(31:22):
at college, university, or, youknow, we have some professionals
listening as well who arepreparing for certifications and
sometimes, you know, studyingmany hours a day on top of a
demanding day job, on top ofmaybe having family
responsibilities as well, really, really full life.
Do you have any thoughts for us, when life does just feel
really really full, on how wecan keep that connection going?
Speaker 3 (31:44):
So I think the pressure that we put on
ourselves sometimes is that wehave to have this like 50-50
balance right.
We've got to have the.
In some cases it moves intothirds because you've got a
family, you've got a job, youhave a lot of things going on,
um, but I would say that balanceis important.
(32:05):
So, thinking about um, how youcan can structure and schedule
some social time just as youwould your academic or your
study time, it's very easy to,especially if you're someone
who's very academic oriented andperformance is very important
(32:29):
to you.
It's easy to fall back into I'mbusy, I'm studying all the time
and that's the most importantthing.
I would encourage you to setand integrate social time, to
weave that in and it doesn'tagain, it doesn't have to be
this 50-50 thing.
(32:51):
I mean you've got to spend asmuch time socializing as you do
academics.
I'm not saying that.
I'm saying that finding time tostructure and schedule that
social time is equally importantas your study time.
It doesn't have to be the samenumber of hours.
I'm not saying that.
(33:11):
I'm saying finding that timeand structuring that time is
very important.
I talk a lot about microconnections, william, and you
know again, these aren't bigchunks, but they're small breaks
that can be incrediblyimportant for our overall health
(33:33):
, particularly if we're veryfocused on our studies or our
jobs, as the case may be, or ourfamilies, just taking those
moments to touch base withsomeone.
It might be in a text, it mightbe in a phone I'm a big fan of
phone calls so you know, even ifit's just a five minute, you
(33:53):
know, phone call check-in, amaybe it, maybe maybe it's a
friend from home that you wantto, you know, catch up with, or
maybe it's someone in thebuilding, you know, across the,
across the campus.
But five minutes, a five minutebreak to have a connection with
someone socially, even if it'sa phone call, can have a huge
(34:16):
impact and you can get rightback to your studying if you
need to.
But those small breaks to weavethose in, even if you can't
find big chunks to socialize,are incredibly important.
So think microdoses.
You know microdoses, microconnections are incredibly
important and those are thosecan fill some gap when you have
(34:42):
other things going on.
Speaker 1 (34:43):
Just thinking about even the times I got busiest as
a student, you know, in that runup to the big exam season, the
big finals exams, I was workingeight, nine hours solid study a
day and around that I was eatingin the college cafeteria,
college hall, so I'd be talkingto friends and peers over lunch.
(35:03):
And the room I didn't revise inmy room, my sort of dorm room
or whatever.
I kind of revised in a communalspace.
It was a silent study space butthere was a breakout room.
So you know, at the top of thehour.
I'd walk out for five minutessay hello to someone get some
water and and then a couple ofyou know there are a couple of
times each week.
You know I'd sort of wednesdays, thursdays evenings I'd be
(35:27):
singing in chapel choir and andthen sundays after lunch I'd
just sort of take off and, um,you know, that would include
some time to myself, that wouldalso include some social time
typically as well.
So yeah, for me I find itreally helpful, as you were
saying, to kind of have that youknow.
For me I find it really helpfulto kind of almost know my
routine and have you know timesplanned in almost when I was
(35:49):
going to see people and connectwith people at different levels.
Speaker 3 (35:53):
And I'm guessing that , that that routine didn't
happen right away, that you hadto find your groove, that that
it took you a little time tofigure out oh, those parts and
pieces that would eventuallybecome, you know, a part of your
routine that you could fallback on and rely on I mean to an
extent, yeah, I think you knowsome of the some of the routine
was was sort of almost there forme in the sense of you know my
(36:13):
singing, uh, commitments andthen other parts.
Speaker 1 (36:17):
So I just found like pretty early on in in revision
in exam season, I found it quitehelpful just to say just have a
real because because you couldsay yes to every social
invitation that comes your wayand then you'd have no time to
study.
I just found it really helpfulfor me to have a rule if it was
on a saturday night, I'd say yesto it.
And so if it's a concert or aparty and it was Saturday night,
my answer was yes and that wasjust my default rule.
(36:38):
So so I'd always end up doingsomething on Saturday night and
then the rest of the week itwould.
It would be a no, but but thatfor me was a nice balance.
No one's not saying that's theright balance for everybody, but
for me just having that, okay,I've got a night.
That's, that's social night andand then I know, and then that
sort of almost relieves a littlebit of anxiety of making the
decision do I do this, do I not?
Am I going to have enough timeif I do this?
(37:00):
That kind of thing that was.
That was quite helpful for me.
Speaker 3 (37:02):
Yeah, no, I like that a lot and I think that it does
go to your point that you haveto find, I mean, it's a little
different for everybody andevery person has to figure out
what's going to work for them,and you know.
So that's not, you know,because all work can lead to
burnout and all social can leadto burnout.
So you got to find, you knowwhat, what works for you and and
(37:24):
what's comfortable yeah,amazing.
Speaker 1 (37:29):
I'm curious it's you were saying we were chatting
before we joined and you saidit's a bang on a year since the
book was was published, um, Iwonder if in that time have
there been any um, you know,sort of like, you know it's a
sort of feedback or stories thathave come back from the world,
um, from from readers, etc.
I suppose I'm interested, youknow, particularly if there's,
(37:50):
there's people that have thathave made a change and and
there's, you know, it's alwayskind of quite inspiring for
people you know, may be thinkingI need to do a bit more on this
, or a bit worried about howthis is going to go, and they
can kind of hear a story fromsomeone who maybe has started to
pick up an idea or two and thedifference it's made for them.
Speaker 3 (38:06):
Yeah, I'm just wondering if there are any of
those sort of stories that youhave yeah, you know so many, and
(38:49):
that has been one of the mostbeautiful parts of this book
journey is people messaging meon social media or texting me
how the book has impacted theirlives.
And you know stories of peoplein, you know, in addiction
recovery, who have reached outin their continued sobriety and
skills that they had lost alongthe way, that they have revived
to make stronger connections intheir lives.
Those have been really powerfulstories.
I've heard stories of peoplewho are caregivers for, you know
(39:13):
, for aging parents or for, youknow, for their spouses or their
children, who were just feelingdesperately lonely and, through
the book, realized howimportant connection is for
their health and taking care ofthemselves, care of themselves.
(39:40):
And certainly in, you know, inmy experience with students,
I've seen students who have madeconnections and or who hadn't
made connections but are nowreaching out to feel more
connected and it's made adifference in them staying in
school versus dropping out.
So, you know, those are justsome examples, and some of the
(40:05):
stories I love too are people.
My mother, for example, youknow.
She's in her 80s and she hadlost touch with some friends
from way back and she hasrecently and she'll send me a
message like I this is your book.
Your book did this yeah she hasreached out to some people.
(40:28):
She just recently reached outto someone that she had not
spoken to.
They had just lost touch, asdoes sometimes.
They hadn't spoken in 20 yearsand they had lunch together last
week and they were together forfive hours and she just she was
just glowing, she was so happy.
I mean nothing happened andthat's just life.
(40:49):
Sometimes Things don't happen.
I mean there's no, there was noblow up.
You know there's no.
I mean there's no, there was noblow up.
(41:14):
You know there's no tension orconflict.
And life just gets in the waysometimes and relationships fade
and sometimes they come back,as this was the case with my mom
and her friend, and sometimesthey can just continue to fade.
But that doesn't mean that theynever were important or they
didn't bring you gifts.
Sometimes we just have totreasure those gifts that people
bring to us, even when they'reno longer in our lives.
It's somewhere along the waythat that friendship, that
relationship, served animportant purpose.
Speaker 1 (41:27):
That's a wonderful, wonderful story to share, thank
you, and what a nice vision ofthe future for us all to think
towards.
Speaker 3 (41:35):
And I guess that you know that has been an important
takeaway for myself in this bookbecause I've certainly had
friends that you know.
They were incredibly meaningfulat some point in my life and
they're not in my life anymoreand I still love them and I
still treasure what they broughtto me.
It's just our lives.
(41:56):
Lives have taken differentpaths and friends has changed.
That's the dynamic part of mybook.
You know the eight tenets ofdynamic friendship.
I mean things.
Life changes, you know, peoplechange and I'm glad we do.
Speaker 1 (42:11):
Absolutely, absolutely.
Is there anything significantyou feel we've missed that we
should talk about, or have wedone a good job?
Speaker 3 (42:24):
I think we've done a good job.
I mean, I feel like I would beremiss if I didn't say that, you
know, sometimes collegecampuses as we've seen of late
are challenging and they'resometimes scary, and they're
sometimes more difficult than weexpect.
They're oftentimes more thanthe joys of academia, and I
(42:52):
underscore the importance, allthe more importance, of friends
and connections, because ourfriends are yes, they are people
that are important for ussocially.
They are also our anchors whentimes get tough.
So I think it's criticallyimportant to find those people
(43:17):
in your life, those people thatyou can lean on and they'll help
anchor you in both the easytimes and the hard.
Speaker 1 (43:23):
Well, what a lovely message to close on.
Kimberly.
Thank you so much for being sogenerous with your time and your
wisdom in this area.
If people want to find out alittle bit more about the
subject, is there anywhere wecould?
Speaker 3 (43:34):
we could go next yes, yes, yes, um.
So my, my book is available onAmazon or basically anywhere,
anywhere where you buy books.
Um, and you can learn moreabout me on uh social media at
drkimberlyhorn and uhdrkimberlyhorncom.
Speaker 1 (43:51):
Well, we'll link that up in the show notes for people
, so you'll be to find the linksdown below Kimberly, Dr
Kimberly.
Thank you so much once again.
It's really genuinely enjoyedthe conversation today.
Speaker 2 (44:00):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (44:01):
We'll talk again soon .
Well, thank you so much again,kimberly.
What a lovely conversation.
I really enjoyed that and Ihope you did as well.
I just want to take this momentto give a massive shout out and
thank you to our supporters onPatreon for supporting the show.
We really appreciate you guysand your support for helping
make all of this possible.
And one little thing that wecan all do anyone listening only
(44:24):
takes a few seconds, doesn'tcost anything and is a huge,
huge help to us is just takingthat second to leave us a
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particularly Spotify, or ifyou're watching here on YouTube
please do leave us a question, acomment, let us know what you
thought.
Any other little tips or tricksyou have, anything you're going
(44:45):
to try based on this episode?
We really love to hear from you.
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So thank you in advance ifyou're able to help with that.
(45:05):
For now, I just wanted to say amassive thank you for taking
the time to join us today.
It's been great to have yourcompany and I look forward to
seeing you next time, wishingyou every success, as always,
with your studies.
Speaker 2 (45:19):
Well, that was good, wasn't it?
I found myself taking notes.
If you need a reminder ofanything from today, head to the
website for a write-up of thisepisode, as well as lots more
top-notch advice and resources.
That's examstudyexpertcom.
See you next time.
Hello and welcome to the Exams to the Expert podcast.
My friends, today we're talkingabout the power of social
connection, why it matters to usall, and especially to us
students and scholars.
We're going to be talking abouthow we can nurture those
all-important friendships andsocial connections even when
we're super busy and even whenwe don't perhaps make friends or
(00:26):
feel we make friends thateasily.
This episode forms part of ouroccasional well-being series
focusing on all those things,all those ingredients that help
us be as successful as we can bein our scholarship.
We talk about things likemanaging your mental health,
your well-being, stress, anxiety, and the power of social
(00:47):
connection is a really importantcomponent of that that we've
not really talked about at allon the podcast before.
To help us navigate this, I'mdelighted that we're joined by
the wonderful Dr Kimberly Hornetoday.
Kimberly is a longtimeprofessor, a research
psychologist and authorcurrently at the Virginia Tech
(01:07):
University.
Her message is clear there isvery substantial evidence that
social connections are animportant component for not only
mental but even physicalwell-being.
I came across Kimberly's workrecently via her wonderful book
Friends Matter for Life, whichI'd highly recommend, and was
immediately very keen to bringher onto the show to teach us
(01:29):
more, because when I'm talkingto my students, my clients in my
coaching, work so much of thetime like that, those then
there's kind of socialconnections at school, at
university.
You know, even for some of theprofessionals I coach, that kind
of social component can be areal sort of source of things
that we worry about.
It's going to be a real sourceof kind of tension, anxiety and
(01:49):
and when we get it right, it canbe a real source of support and
a hugely valuable part of ourultimate success in our
scholarship and in our having anice time as a human being
generally.
So we're releasing this episodein September and, as I
mentioned in the episode acouple of weeks back, september
always feels like back to schoolseason for me, so many new
(02:11):
terms and semesters get underwayfor so many of us.
So perhaps a particularly goodepisode.
If you yourself are starting outat a new school, new college,
new university at the moment ifthat's you, then kimberly has
some very nice, very gentle,very practical ideas, uh, for us
to help us build thoseall-important connections as
we're getting into our uh, aswe're kind of establishing
(02:33):
ourselves perhaps in a brand newsocial environment.
We'll also be looking atspecific suggestions to help if
you're especially sociallynervous, um, and taking a look
as well at some ideas.
You know if and I particularlyrelate strongly to this recently
, you know, if you feel likeyou're just juggling a bajillion
things and you find yourselfstruggling to keep up with
friendships as a result I'mthinking particularly, perhaps,
(02:57):
of some of my professionalclients here who are putting in,
you know, all those hours ofstudy for a demanding exam
alongside a day job and perhapseven caring for a family too.
So, lots of ideas, no matterwhere we are in our journey, and
I think you'll find a lot ofreally wonderful, really kind of
actionable steps to take today.
You know this isn't just a kindof a pep talk.
Oh, this really matters.
You know, kimberley has somereally just really nice, really
(03:18):
practical ideas that I thinkwe'll all be able to kind of
take away and no matter wherewe're at, no matter what we
struggle with, there'll besomething useful in this episode
that you can use to help youmove forward.
So I really hope you enjoytoday's episode.
Let's welcome Kimberley to theshow.
So, kimberley, a very warmwelcome to the Exam Study Expert
podcast.
Speaker 3 (03:38):
Thank you so much, William.
I'm honoured to be here.
Speaker 1 (03:42):
We're honoured to have you here and we'd love to
just give us your briefintroduction to sort of who you
are and what you do.
Speaker 3 (03:49):
Sure, my name is Dr Kimberly Horne.
I'm a research psychologist andprofessor and I've been in the
academy in the US for it's hardto believe, going on 30 years
now and I've spent, you know, achunk of my career mentoring and
(04:10):
training college students alongthe way, both in the classroom
and as part of my science.
And you know, much of myresearch over the past of
decades has really focused onpublic health and in my research
(04:36):
I've seen how our health is soimpacted by our social
connections and, as you'reprobably aware, there's been an
increasing loneliness epidemicin the world, all across the
world, which is a public healthcrisis.
So, more recently, I've takenmy work as a professor and a
scientist and tried to figureout how I can use both my
(04:56):
research and my lived experienceto address that loneliness
crisis.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
So I wonder if you could share maybe a little bit
more on kind of why connectionis so important.
So you know, there's obviouslythere's been a fair bit of work
out there and you know, perhapsjust give us a little bit more
colour on sort of the ways youknow human connection can kind
of positively impact people andhow its absence can cause us
(05:23):
challenges.
Speaker 3 (05:24):
Well, I mean when I recently turned my messaging
around my research and my workto a book, and the book is
called Friends Matter for Lifeand in fact they do.
And my hope is that we can lookat friendship as an antidote to
to loneliness, because it issomething that's available to
(05:47):
almost everyone.
You know, friendship assomething that's accessible to
us to address loneliness, Ithink is important across the
lifespan and, as you mentioned,research has shown us more and
more no-transcript.
(06:36):
But on the flip side of that,when we are more connected, when
we have those people in ourlives that we can depend on and
rely on, we get all thosefeel-good hormones.
We get those warm and cozyhormones and chemicals that just
help us to be healthier, lessstressed, more relaxed, more in
(07:02):
tune with ourselves and thosearound us.
So the list just goes on and onof the benefits and in fact,
that more just recently, the USSurgeon General underscored that
our social health is just asimportant as our physical health
.
Speaker 1 (07:21):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I mean speaking for me,me personally, and I'm not proud
of this, but you know whentimes get busy, uh, as life has
been for me personally recently,uh, you know, had I've got two,
two small children, and thatkeeps you quite, quite busy and,
uh, you know it's been a busytime sort of with with my, my
work and exam study expert you,which I love, but it's been
(07:44):
quite a full life in recentyears and the thing that gave
first and was last to come backand I am happy it's now coming
back for me was connections withfriends, and I don't know
whether that's a kind of acommon thing, but you know, that
sort of seems like a luxurysometimes when life is really
(08:05):
busy, and perhaps it shouldn'tbe that way.
Speaker 3 (08:07):
I think that is common.
I mean, there are majortransition points and I know
your podcast has a largeaudience of college students and
those who serve collegestudents, maybe those who are
getting ready to enter collegeand going to college is up there
with the major life transitionsthat you just described, which
is becoming a parent and gettingmore busy professionally.
(08:29):
We experience these differenttransitions in life, our whole
lives, and there are times when,you know, friendships wax and
wane in terms of importance andin terms of accessibility, wax
and wane in terms of importanceand in terms of accessibility.
But my point is that, eventhrough these transitions, we
(08:50):
can find ways, and should findways, to prioritize those
friendships and connections inour lives.
Speaker 1 (08:57):
And excited to talk to you Because they matter
especially more.
Speaker 3 (09:01):
Yeah, Well, that's the thing.
It's the time you need it.
Speaker 1 (09:04):
It's like the old quote from the, the dalai from
the sort of attribution to thedalai lama.
It might be apocryphal, but youknow the the busy businessman
that says, oh, I don't have 10minutes a day to meditate, and
then he goes oh well, then youneed to do it for two hours.
The more the harder it is tofit in, the more we, more we
need it sort of thing.
And so I, I knowley you talkabout this term, social terrain,
(09:25):
and you mentioned quite rightlythat many of our listeners are
either at school or collegeuniversity.
You know, you've worked in thatenvironment for a long time.
Like, firstly, what is socialterrain to you and, kind of, how
would you characterize thesocial terrain of particularly
being at college or university?
Speaker 3 (09:43):
Yeah, well, I mean social, um, changes throughout
our lives, right?
And I think that, uh, we haveto learn to adapt and adjust to
those, those different types ofterrain, terrain at different
points in our lives, and youknow, college, for example, um,
(10:04):
or going to college, especiallyfor the first time, creates a
new kind of terrain.
These are situations andcircumstances that we have to
learn to navigate and sometimesthey require new skill sets,
sometimes they require brushingup on old skill sets.
But when you think aboutcollege, going to college
especially and a recent studycame out that I found very
(10:27):
interesting, that it was in theJournal of Adolescence and that
a lot of times when students goaway to college, they expect the
terrain to be very similar incollege in terms of making
friends and connections, as itwas in high school, similar in
college in terms of makingfriends and connections, as it
(10:48):
was in high school.
In fact, some students eventhink it's going to be easier,
and in fact it's not for many,for most, in fact.
And where that delta lives andwhat they expect and what the
reality is lives, and what theyexpect and what the reality is
(11:09):
is where loneliness can creep in, and you think about the
terrain of, let's say, highschool, when you have more built
in a terrain that has built inconditions for connection.
One you've probably been withthe same group of peers for, in
some cases, maybe a decade,right, you've joined the same
teams.
You've been in the same groupof peers for, in some cases,
maybe a decade, right, you'vejoined the same teams.
You've been in the sameclassrooms, you've passed in the
(11:29):
same hallways and stopped atyour lockers and you've been at
the same lunch tables and maybeeven the same bus stops.
So that's very familiar terrain.
And when students go away tocollege, that terrain shifts
significantly and a lot of timesthe whole geography is far more
(11:51):
massive than what they mighthave experienced in high school.
There are hundreds of new peers, new faces, new conditions
going to and from classes.
You know varied ways to havemeals and share meals with
individuals.
So that terrain looked verydifferent socially than it did
(12:13):
when they were in high school.
And the expectations thatthings are going to be easier
are not the case and studentscan feel very behind quickly
because there's this expectation.
Well, I'm gonna, you know, I'mjust gonna make it's gonna be so
easy to make friends andconnections.
Speaker 1 (12:32):
I have all these people around me, and that's not
the case certainly one thing Iremember about my experience you
have a sense that you can doanything, but you can't do
everything.
You can't even do a tinyfraction of it.
So, um yeah, it's almost sortof overwhelming.
Where do you even start?
So certainly there's that sortof challenge of transition.
(12:56):
I mean any other sort of trendsor challenges you've noticed
among students as they kind ofprogress through the college,
their kind of time at college,when it comes to sort of
challenge, staying connectedI've had um because I've worked
with so many, in fact hundredsof students over the years.
Speaker 3 (13:18):
I've I've seen both sides, you know.
I've seen the the, the beauty,and I've seen the struggles.
I think there are two types ofloneliness happen around this
time period.
One is the you know, the socialloneliness of thinking like
gosh, I just don't have thatmany people to hang out with.
You know, I don't.
I'm not sure exactly where mytribe is right now, I don't know
(13:43):
the right people.
And then there's the emotionalloneliness, which is sometimes
more difficult to navigatebecause they feel like I don't
really have anyone who knows medeeply, I don't have anyone that
I feel truly connected with,and that's a big part, I think,
when students go away to college, that's a big part of what they
(14:06):
miss with their familiarfriends and families that you
know, emotional loneliness canbe very painful.
So those are some of the thingsthat I've certainly seen.
Even though people may havecrowds around them, they still
don't feel they don't feelconnected.
They don't feel connected.
(14:27):
You know it's, and that I thinkthat's important to know that
that time period around 18 to 25is a high risk period for
loneliness in general, becausethat's when, that's when we're
starting to really think aboutwho we are and our identity and
where do we belong and who, whois our tribe, who are our people
and and and it also comes withautonomy and you know, trying to
(14:48):
figure out who you are withoutthe rails and the you know and
the um, the guideposts that havebeen there your whole life.
That makes it become even morechallenging to to to find out
who you are and who you belongwith.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure for sure, and I wonder if
I could just ask a littlesidebar question.
We're building towards maybetalking about some.
What could we do about all ofthis?
But I just wanted to askquickly first, if I could.
You know, I'm just curious whatwas the motivation for you know
your interest in this field andobviously getting to the point
where you wanted to write amajor book on the subject?
Speaker 3 (15:30):
My motivation, I think, came from motivation for
the book, came from many yearsof seeing how social connection
and social, our social networks,are tied to almost every aspect
of health behavior.
A lot of my studies wererelated to, let's say, addiction
(15:55):
, tobacco use in particular,physical activity, nutrition,
those sorts of things.
And in almost all of my studies, somewhere somewhere in the
risk factors or somewhere in theprotective factors, social
support came through.
(16:18):
I think.
During the pandemic I saw myresearch playing out all around
me and it was a grand experimentfor loneliness and social
connection and, and like mostpeople, I had a lot of time to
think during that time periodand it made me want to do more
(16:43):
than another study, because someof my studies, my studies, said
we're clear.
So how do we translate that andget the message out of?
How do we better connect andwhy is it important for our
health and our overallwell-being?
And I just, you know, kind ofstarted dabbling in writing and
(17:08):
thinking through how I couldcommunicate this message through
a book that would be read bymore than you know a handful of
people, which, as we talkedabout earlier, william, I have a
lot of academic publications,but geez, who reads all of those
, and I'm lucky if each paper isread by 10 people.
(17:29):
So I thought that perhaps abook would be something that
could be more consumable andwould reach more people and
teaching them and sharing themessage of why we need each
other in this world, whycommunity is important, why
friends are important, whyconnection is important to just
(17:51):
every aspect of our being, and Iguess that's in a nutshell
where how I landed here yeah,yeah, that's wonderful.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
That's in a nutshell where how I landed here.
Yeah, yeah, that's wonderful,that's wonderful.
Well, we should dive in ifyou're willing to talk a little
bit about what we can do.
So I'm sure this is a bigmonster open-ended question for
a specialist in the field, butkind of, what are some of the
big things we can think aboutwhen it comes to sort of
nurturing those connections thatare so important?
Speaker 3 (18:22):
One of the points I want to make right off the bat
is to people who are listeningis why this is important,
particularly in the academicrealm.
We know that I like to thinkabout friendship as a health
intervention, right, I mean,it's just good for us and, you
know, psychologically I thinkit's important to know that when
(18:45):
we don't have it and we don'tfeel connected, I mean it can be
linked to anxiety anddepression and various types of
stress.
Academically, when we're lonelyand disconnected, our
concentration is less.
It can lead to lower GPA andirregular attendance in class
(19:07):
and all the other things thataffect performance, like sleep
disruption and fatigue.
And, just, you know, our immunesystem's just not functioning,
you know, at optimum.
So you know, friends andconnections can help buffer that
.
I want to make that clear, thatthat is really the context of
all of this is that, especiallygiven your podcast and your
(19:32):
audience, that this you know,yes, there are particular ways
we can study and perform andhave our performance be.
You know, yes, we, there areparticular ways we can study and
perform, and, and and have ourperformance, be, you know,
heightened.
This is also a part of that mixis making sure we're taking
care of ourselves socially andso, um, I think, if we're
(19:52):
setting some, you know, real X,realistic expectations for how
do we, how do we approach this,you know I think it's very
practical, so I don't wantpeople to overthink it there are
some real practical, tangible,step-by-step things that people
can do, that students can do toenhance their relationships and
(20:16):
their friendships.
First, I want to normalize it.
Particularly those who might begoing off to college or
starting college for the firsttime, it's very, very normal for
it to take time to make newfriends.
It's not something that happensin days, you know.
It is something that can take,you know, weeks or months to
(20:40):
nurture those kinds offriendships, and it's common to
feel lonely in the beginning andit's also temporary.
So it's something that peoplecan sort of, you know, wiggle
their way through and developsome skills to help get through.
It's a myth that you knowyou're going to make all of your
(21:04):
best friends.
You know the welcome week andyou know from all these other
initial activities that takeplace.
It's a skill and it takespractice.
So I think you know there aresome, are some, there are no
doubt there are some people whomaking friends is a little more
difficult than others, and wecan talk more about that if we
(21:25):
want to get a little bit morenuanced.
But if I could just like talkabout some, some daily habits,
let's just say that you knowyou're starting your freshman
year, you have a series ofclasses.
Sometimes it might help just totry to sit in the same spot in
(21:46):
the classes that you go to and,you know, strike up
conversations with the peoplethat also happen to sit.
There are those people who liketo sit in the same spot and if
you can sit in the same spot andyou also have other people who
are sitting in the same spot,that can certainly be a way to
have conversation starters,particularly when you're feeling
a little awkward about it.
(22:07):
Someone to walk back to.
You know a dorm or a coffeeshop or somewhere on campus.
You know, walk together, justsay, hey, would you like to walk
?
And, you know, grab some coffeeor you know whatever it is.
That might be something that youcould do afterward with just
(22:29):
one person.
It doesn't have to be a gang ora group.
One of the things I like torecommend too and I do this
myself, especially if I'm goingto be in new situations, meeting
new people is.
I keep kind of a running notesabout people in my phone and I
(22:50):
think that that can beincredibly helpful.
You know Sarah English loves tohike, you know, just like just
brief notes to help me rememberand jar my memory and I go back
to those If I'm going to a newmeeting or a new group.
I look back on those becausethose help me start
conversations, especially whenit might be a little awkward and
(23:13):
I don't really know thecircumstances that well, use
people's names, you know, saypeople's names, smile.
Speaker 1 (23:31):
Show that you're open to possibility of conversation.
Speaker 3 (23:32):
Put your phone down, look up, smile at people, show
that you're open to conversation.
Those are very important cues,and I think we have to be
careful about overlying onsocial media, too, for making
our human connections.
And I'm not dismissing socialmedia I value it, I use it and I
(23:55):
think it has a place when itcomes to making new connections.
I think that we can use it as abridge and not as a way to just
fully.
That's the only way that wecommunicate with people, and
maybe you're connecting withsomeone.
You've shared numbers, you'retexting, or maybe it's a new
(24:17):
online group.
That's perfectly fine and thoseare ways to start relationships
, but I also think it'sincredibly important to find
FaceTime with each other.
There are things that I thinkthat are important are to find
(24:38):
your tribe, find your people,think about and let your passion
guide that you know are you.
Do you want to get involved ina faith-based group?
Are you physically active?
Maybe it's intramurals, maybeit's a cultural group, maybe
it's some group that's shapedaround identity.
Maybe you want to volunteer.
(24:58):
So look for those sorts ofactivities that meet with your
values and your passion and youridentity.
If it doesn't, don't be afraidto jump around and try different
things.
If something doesn't feel good,you don't have to stick with it
.
Do something else.
Speaker 1 (25:17):
Yeah, that's such great advice and thank you so
much for sharing those ideas.
Speaker 3 (25:23):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (25:25):
Certainly some things that I think, oh yeah, if I'd
have my time again.
I'd definitely bear that in mind.
I'd definitely bear that inmind.
So thank you Absolutely.
You mentioned, you know, forsome people it's maybe a
slightly longer process thanothers and some people find the
(25:47):
making friends thing hard.
You know, classically, perhaps,in the view of this, I'm
someone who's maybe a bit moreintroverted than others and a
bit more shy and awkward.
I personally would considermyself a little bit further down
that spectrum in terms ofnaturally, you know, I'm a bit
more like oh, just I'll keepmyself to myself, but then of
course we never make friends, wenever make those connections.
Do you have any particularsuggestions for people?
Speaker 3 (26:10):
with that tendency, sure, um, you know, I think that
there are there's some nuancedadvice that it is meaningful to
maybe someone who's shy oranxious or, you know, maybe they
have some type of neurodivergence, whether that's ADHD
or something else, where thosesituations are just, you know,
(26:34):
kind of like you know nails on achalkboard, it's not, it's it's
, it's very uncomfortable and insome cases you know, kind of
like you know nails on achalkboard, it's not, it's very
uncomfortable and in some cases,you know, kind of scary.
So I would say, you know, startsmall.
You don't have to be a bigjoiner, you know, if that
doesn't feel good to you, ifit's not comfortable.
(26:54):
Again, I go back to the.
You know, maybe focus in on,you know, sit in the same place
in your classes or frequent thesame places in the student
center or in your residentialfacility, so that a lot of times
that breeds sort of familiarityand you'll start to see the
same sort of people.
(27:15):
Maybe it's you get comfortableenough to strike up a
conversation and to be open, tosmile when you can and I realize
that retreat is important too,but to be aware, when it feels
safe to to smile and to be openand to allow yourself to have
that experience yourself to havethat experience Again.
(27:42):
I think keeping names and notesis very important because it's
something that you can fall backon for, even if you have, like,
conversation starters in yourphone notes.
I think that's really importantbecause conversation starters
can be things that you might beuncomfortable with on the fly.
Speaker 1 (27:58):
Yes.
Speaker 3 (27:58):
But if you know some of them and you've rehearsed
some of them and you have themclose by, you can take a look at
them and that can give you alittle bit more comfort and
security, even if it's just hey,how's it going?
I've seen you several timeshere, how's it going?
Or are you in the storm or justmaybe have two or three things
(28:20):
that are easy conversationstarters for you.
The other thing is to reallykind of reframe vulnerability.
You know, sometimes peoplethink that being the first
person to reach out is is weak,reach out is weak and you know
(28:44):
it's not, or they feel likethey're not, they won't be well
received, and so, again, thosevery brief conversation starters
once things become morefamiliar.
The other thing I think isimportant is you're not on a
clock.
This is not a race.
Yes, it's important to buildconnections and to make friends.
(29:05):
Are it's just really importantto set your own clock at this.
You can make your pace slowerif you need to, and it really is
(29:32):
more about gaining people atthis point that you have some
depth with, and going back tothat emotional loneliness versus
the social loneliness is thatyou start to develop.
It's important to start todevelop relationships with
people that feel a little deeper, especially if you have some
(29:55):
social anxiety issues.
The other thing that I thinkmight be particularly important
is to find some study groups,because not only do they
obviously they're important forperformance, but the
conversation and the themesaround gathering are sort of
(30:15):
built in.
You don't have to be the personwho initiates or think about
what you're going to say,because you know you're going
there to study X subject andit's built in.
So, again, those are just some,some small tips, but I think
that you have to follow.
What I don't like to see iswhen people just completely
(30:41):
retreat and their fear andanxiety prevents them from
having any sort of interaction.
So start small, do something.
Do something and I think therest will follow.
Speaker 1 (30:59):
That's beautiful advice.
That's beautiful advice.
And the other sort ofchallenging case I wanted to ask
you about was, I guess, kind ofcircling back to a comment I
was making earlier.
You know, when we feel likelife's getting very busy, as it
often does, particularly as wego through the year and get
closer to kind of exam deadline,assignment season for students
(31:22):
at college, university, or, youknow, we have some professionals
listening as well who arepreparing for certifications and
sometimes, you know, studyingmany hours a day on top of a
demanding day job, on top ofmaybe having family
responsibilities as well, really, really full life.
Do you have any thoughts for us, when life does just feel
really really full, on how wecan keep that connection going?
Speaker 3 (31:44):
So I think the pressure that we put on
ourselves sometimes is that wehave to have this like 50-50
balance right.
We've got to have the.
In some cases it moves intothirds because you've got a
family, you've got a job, youhave a lot of things going on,
um, but I would say that balanceis important.
(32:05):
So, thinking about um, how youcan can structure and schedule
some social time just as youwould your academic or your
study time, it's very easy to,especially if you're someone
who's very academic oriented andperformance is very important
(32:29):
to you.
It's easy to fall back into I'mbusy, I'm studying all the time
and that's the most importantthing.
I would encourage you to setand integrate social time, to
weave that in and it doesn'tagain, it doesn't have to be
this 50-50 thing.
(32:51):
I mean you've got to spend asmuch time socializing as you do
academics.
I'm not saying that.
I'm saying that finding time tostructure and schedule that
social time is equally importantas your study time.
It doesn't have to be the samenumber of hours.
I'm not saying that.
(33:11):
I'm saying finding that timeand structuring that time is
very important.
I talk a lot about microconnections, william, and you
know again, these aren't bigchunks, but they're small breaks
that can be incrediblyimportant for our overall health
(33:33):
, particularly if we're veryfocused on our studies or our
jobs, as the case may be, or ourfamilies, just taking those
moments to touch base withsomeone.
It might be in a text, it mightbe in a phone I'm a big fan of
phone calls so you know, even ifit's just a five minute, you
(33:53):
know, phone call check-in, amaybe it, maybe maybe it's a
friend from home that you wantto, you know, catch up with, or
maybe it's someone in thebuilding, you know, across the,
across the campus.
But five minutes, a five minutebreak to have a connection with
someone socially, even if it'sa phone call, can have a huge
(34:16):
impact and you can get rightback to your studying if you
need to.
But those small breaks to weavethose in, even if you can't
find big chunks to socialize,are incredibly important.
So think microdoses.
You know microdoses, microconnections are incredibly
important and those are thosecan fill some gap when you have
(34:42):
other things going on.
Speaker 1 (34:43):
Just thinking about even the times I got busiest as
a student, you know, in that runup to the big exam season, the
big finals exams, I was workingeight, nine hours solid study a
day and around that I was eatingin the college cafeteria,
college hall, so I'd be talkingto friends and peers over lunch.
(35:03):
And the room I didn't revise inmy room, my sort of dorm room
or whatever.
I kind of revised in a communalspace.
It was a silent study space butthere was a breakout room.
So you know, at the top of thehour.
I'd walk out for five minutessay hello to someone get some
water and and then a couple ofyou know there are a couple of
times each week.
You know I'd sort of wednesdays, thursdays evenings I'd be
(35:27):
singing in chapel choir and andthen sundays after lunch I'd
just sort of take off and, um,you know, that would include
some time to myself, that wouldalso include some social time
typically as well.
So yeah, for me I find itreally helpful, as you were
saying, to kind of have that youknow.
For me I find it really helpfulto kind of almost know my
routine and have you know timesplanned in almost when I was
(35:49):
going to see people and connectwith people at different levels.
Speaker 3 (35:53):
And I'm guessing that , that that routine didn't
happen right away, that you hadto find your groove, that that
it took you a little time tofigure out oh, those parts and
pieces that would eventuallybecome, you know, a part of your
routine that you could fallback on and rely on I mean to an
extent, yeah, I think you knowsome of the some of the routine
was was sort of almost there forme in the sense of you know my
(36:13):
singing, uh, commitments andthen other parts.
Speaker 1 (36:17):
So I just found like pretty early on in in revision
in exam season, I found it quitehelpful just to say just have a
real because because you couldsay yes to every social
invitation that comes your wayand then you'd have no time to
study.
I just found it really helpfulfor me to have a rule if it was
on a saturday night, I'd say yesto it.
And so if it's a concert or aparty and it was Saturday night,
my answer was yes and that wasjust my default rule.
(36:38):
So so I'd always end up doingsomething on Saturday night and
then the rest of the week itwould.
It would be a no, but but thatfor me was a nice balance.
No one's not saying that's theright balance for everybody, but
for me just having that, okay,I've got a night.
That's, that's social night andand then I know, and then that
sort of almost relieves a littlebit of anxiety of making the
decision do I do this, do I not?
Am I going to have enough timeif I do this?
(37:00):
That kind of thing that was.
That was quite helpful for me.
Speaker 3 (37:02):
Yeah, no, I like that a lot and I think that it does
go to your point that you haveto find, I mean, it's a little
different for everybody andevery person has to figure out
what's going to work for them,and you know.
So that's not, you know,because all work can lead to
burnout and all social can leadto burnout.
So you got to find, you knowwhat, what works for you and and
(37:24):
what's comfortable yeah,amazing.
Speaker 1 (37:29):
I'm curious it's you were saying we were chatting
before we joined and you saidit's a bang on a year since the
book was was published, um, Iwonder if in that time have
there been any um, you know,sort of like, you know it's a
sort of feedback or stories thathave come back from the world,
um, from from readers, etc.
I suppose I'm interested, youknow, particularly if there's,
(37:50):
there's people that have thathave made a change and and
there's, you know, it's alwayskind of quite inspiring for
people you know, may be thinkingI need to do a bit more on this
, or a bit worried about howthis is going to go, and they
can kind of hear a story fromsomeone who maybe has started to
pick up an idea or two and thedifference it's made for them.
Speaker 3 (38:06):
Yeah, I'm just wondering if there are any of
those sort of stories that youhave yeah, you know so many, and
(38:49):
that has been one of the mostbeautiful parts of this book
journey is people messaging meon social media or texting me
how the book has impacted theirlives.
And you know stories of peoplein, you know, in addiction
recovery, who have reached outin their continued sobriety and
skills that they had lost alongthe way, that they have revived
to make stronger connections intheir lives.
Those have been really powerfulstories.
I've heard stories of peoplewho are caregivers for, you know
(39:13):
, for aging parents or for, youknow, for their spouses or their
children, who were just feelingdesperately lonely and, through
the book, realized howimportant connection is for
their health and taking care ofthemselves, care of themselves.
(39:40):
And certainly in, you know, inmy experience with students,
I've seen students who have madeconnections and or who hadn't
made connections but are nowreaching out to feel more
connected and it's made adifference in them staying in
school versus dropping out.
So, you know, those are justsome examples, and some of the
(40:05):
stories I love too are people.
My mother, for example, youknow.
She's in her 80s and she hadlost touch with some friends
from way back and she hasrecently and she'll send me a
message like I this is your book.
Your book did this yeah she hasreached out to some people.
(40:28):
She just recently reached outto someone that she had not
spoken to.
They had just lost touch, asdoes sometimes.
They hadn't spoken in 20 yearsand they had lunch together last
week and they were together forfive hours and she just she was
just glowing, she was so happy.
I mean nothing happened andthat's just life.
(40:49):
Sometimes Things don't happen.
I mean there's no, there was noblow up.
You know there's no.
I mean there's no, there was noblow up.
(41:14):
You know there's no tension orconflict.
And life just gets in the waysometimes and relationships fade
and sometimes they come back,as this was the case with my mom
and her friend, and sometimesthey can just continue to fade.
But that doesn't mean that theynever were important or they
didn't bring you gifts.
Sometimes we just have totreasure those gifts that people
bring to us, even when they'reno longer in our lives.
It's somewhere along the waythat that friendship, that
relationship, served animportant purpose.
Speaker 1 (41:27):
That's a wonderful, wonderful story to share, thank
you, and what a nice vision ofthe future for us all to think
towards.
Speaker 3 (41:35):
And I guess that you know that has been an important
takeaway for myself in this bookbecause I've certainly had
friends that you know.
They were incredibly meaningfulat some point in my life and
they're not in my life anymoreand I still love them and I
still treasure what they broughtto me.
It's just our lives.
(41:56):
Lives have taken differentpaths and friends has changed.
That's the dynamic part of mybook.
You know the eight tenets ofdynamic friendship.
I mean things.
Life changes, you know, peoplechange and I'm glad we do.
Speaker 1 (42:11):
Absolutely, absolutely.
Is there anything significantyou feel we've missed that we
should talk about, or have wedone a good job?
Speaker 3 (42:24):
I think we've done a good job.
I mean, I feel like I would beremiss if I didn't say that, you
know, sometimes collegecampuses as we've seen of late
are challenging and they'resometimes scary, and they're
sometimes more difficult than weexpect.
They're oftentimes more thanthe joys of academia, and I
(42:52):
underscore the importance, allthe more importance, of friends
and connections, because ourfriends are yes, they are people
that are important for ussocially.
They are also our anchors whentimes get tough.
So I think it's criticallyimportant to find those people
(43:17):
in your life, those people thatyou can lean on and they'll help
anchor you in both the easytimes and the hard.
Speaker 1 (43:23):
Well, what a lovely message to close on.
Kimberly.
Thank you so much for being sogenerous with your time and your
wisdom in this area.
If people want to find out alittle bit more about the
subject, is there anywhere wecould?
Speaker 3 (43:34):
we could go next yes, yes, yes, um.
So my, my book is available onAmazon or basically anywhere,
anywhere where you buy books.
Um, and you can learn moreabout me on uh social media at
drkimberlyhorn and uhdrkimberlyhorncom.
Speaker 1 (43:51):
Well, we'll link that up in the show notes for people
, so you'll be to find the linksdown below Kimberly, Dr
Kimberly.
Thank you so much once again.
It's really genuinely enjoyedthe conversation today.
Speaker 2 (44:00):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (44:01):
We'll talk again soon .
Well, thank you so much again,kimberly.
What a lovely conversation.
I really enjoyed that and Ihope you did as well.
I just want to take this momentto give a massive shout out and
thank you to our supporters onPatreon for supporting the show.
We really appreciate you guysand your support for helping
make all of this possible.
And one little thing that wecan all do anyone listening only
(44:24):
takes a few seconds, doesn'tcost anything and is a huge,
huge help to us is just takingthat second to leave us a
five-star review or like theshow, follow, subscribe, and if
you're on a platform that hascomments I'm thinking
particularly Spotify, or ifyou're watching here on YouTube,
and if you're on a platformthat has comments I'm thinking
particularly Spotify, or ifyou're watching here on YouTube
please do leave us a question, acomment, let us know what you
thought.
Any other little tips or tricksyou have, anything you're going
(44:45):
to try based on this episode?
We really love to hear from you.
I read every single one and Ireply to most of them as well,
so please do consider taking amoment to do that.
It really helps the algorithmknow that people are watching
the show, really enjoying it andthat helps us to get in front
of more people so we can reachand help more people in our
mission.
So thank you in advance ifyou're able to help with that.
(45:05):
For now, I just wanted to say amassive thank you for taking
the time to join us today.
It's been great to have yourcompany and I look forward to
seeing you next time, wishingyou every success, as always,
with your studies.
Speaker 2 (45:19):
Well, that was good, wasn't it?
I found myself taking notes.
If you need a reminder ofanything from today, head to the
website for a write-up of thisepisode, as well as lots more
top-notch advice and resources.
That's examstudyexpertcom.
See you next time.
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The Burden
The Burden is a documentary series that takes listeners into the hidden places where justice is done (and undone). It dives deep into the lives of heroes and villains. And it focuses a spotlight on those who triumph even when the odds are against them. Season 5 - The Burden: Death & Deceit in Alliance On April Fools Day 1999, 26-year-old Yvonne Layne was found murdered in her Alliance, Ohio home. David Thorne, her ex-boyfriend and father of one of her children, was instantly a suspect. Another young man admitted to the murder, and David breathed a sigh of relief, until the confessed murderer fingered David; “He paid me to do it.” David was sentenced to life without parole. Two decades later, Pulitzer winner and podcast host, Maggie Freleng (Bone Valley Season 3: Graves County, Wrongful Conviction, Suave) launched a “live” investigation into David's conviction alongside Jason Baldwin (himself wrongfully convicted as a member of the West Memphis Three). Maggie had come to believe that the entire investigation of David was botched by the tiny local police department, or worse, covered up the real killer. Was Maggie correct? Was David’s claim of innocence credible? In Death and Deceit in Alliance, Maggie recounts the case that launched her career, and ultimately, “broke” her.” The results will shock the listener and reduce Maggie to tears and self-doubt. This is not your typical wrongful conviction story. In fact, it turns the genre on its head. It asks the question: What if our champions are foolish? Season 4 - The Burden: Get the Money and Run “Trying to murder my father, this was the thing that put me on the path.” That’s Joe Loya and that path was bank robbery. Bank, bank, bank, bank, bank. In season 4 of The Burden: Get the Money and Run, we hear from Joe who was once the most prolific bank robber in Southern California, and beyond. He used disguises, body doubles, proxies. He leaped over counters, grabbed the money and ran. Even as the FBI was closing in. It was a showdown between a daring bank robber, and a patient FBI agent. Joe was no ordinary bank robber. He was bright, articulate, charismatic, and driven by a dark rage that he summoned up at will. In seven episodes, Joe tells all: the what, the how… and the why. Including why he tried to murder his father. Season 3 - The Burden: Avenger Miriam Lewin is one of Argentina’s leading journalists today. At 19 years old, she was kidnapped off the streets of Buenos Aires for her political activism and thrown into a concentration camp. Thousands of her fellow inmates were executed, tossed alive from a cargo plane into the ocean. Miriam, along with a handful of others, will survive the camp. Then as a journalist, she will wage a decades long campaign to bring her tormentors to justice. Avenger is about one woman’s triumphant battle against unbelievable odds to survive torture, claim justice for the crimes done against her and others like her, and change the future of her country. Season 2 - The Burden: Empire on Blood Empire on Blood is set in the Bronx, NY, in the early 90s, when two young drug dealers ruled an intersection known as “The Corner on Blood.” The boss, Calvin Buari, lived large. He and a protege swore they would build an empire on blood. Then the relationship frayed and the protege accused Calvin of a double homicide which he claimed he didn’t do. But did he? Award-winning journalist Steve Fishman spent seven years to answer that question. This is the story of one man’s last chance to overturn his life sentence. He may prevail, but someone’s gotta pay. The Burden: Empire on Blood is the director’s cut of the true crime classic which reached #1 on the charts when it was first released half a dozen years ago. Season 1 - The Burden In the 1990s, Detective Louis N. Scarcella was legendary. In a city overrun by violent crime, he cracked the toughest cases and put away the worst criminals. “The Hulk” was his nickname. Then the story changed. Scarcella ran into a group of convicted murderers who all say they are innocent. They turned themselves into jailhouse-lawyers and in prison founded a lway firm. When they realized Scarcella helped put many of them away, they set their sights on taking him down. And with the help of a NY Times reporter they have a chance. For years, Scarcella insisted he did nothing wrong. But that’s all he’d say. Until we tracked Scarcella to a sauna in a Russian bathhouse, where he started to talk..and talk and talk. “The guilty have gone free,” he whispered. And then agreed to take us into the belly of the beast. Welcome to The Burden.