January 16, 2025 • 34 mins
The episode dives into the essential dynamics of parenting, emphasizing that while no one loves a child quite like their parent, understanding boundaries and discipline is vital for raising well-adjusted individuals. The discussion encompasses establishing clear expectations for behavior, ensuring consequences align with standards, and the importance of parental unity to create a strong foundation for children's emotional and social development.
• Exploring the primary goals of parenting
• The need to manage expectations around children's behavior
• Importance of discipline in parenting strategies
• Understanding where parenting standards derive from
• Establishing clear rules and consequences for infractions
• The impact of childhood trauma on parental approaches
• The necessity of consensus between parents
• Preparing children for real-world challenges
• Closing thoughts on ensuring long-term success for children
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello and welcome to another episode of Faith, Family
and Fishing.
We got a good one today.
(00:21):
You probably read the title.
Speaker 3 (00:23):
Okay, but the title is no one loves your kid like
you do no, no, no.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
You gotta say it like this no one loves your kid no
one loves your kid like you dolike you do, it's true.
So.
So we're gonna get into this umand and there's a lot that
deals with this right, but letme start by asking this what?
Speaker 3 (00:53):
is your primary goal as a parent.
Speaker 1 (00:54):
My primary goal, what's your primary goal as a
parent?
To not raise jerks, to notraise jerks.
Speaker 3 (01:01):
okay, that might sound bad, but that's what I
tell the kids.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
I don't want you to grow up and be little buttholes.
Well, I understand you don'twant that, but what, what, what?
Speaker 3 (01:12):
would you say, is the primary goal of parents.
I I want them to bewell-functioning human beings
who love jesus, love theirfamilies, love other people,
serve, give, do things and notbe jerks okay, so your goals are
all based on the like, prettymuch on performance.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
I would say what that was terrible.
I would say that mr.
Performance based okay yeah, itis something I struggle with,
but I go.
I would say that the primarypurpose of parenting man, that's
a lot of pops primary purposeof parenting.
I would say that the primary,the primary purpose of parenting
(01:51):
is this peter piper picked apickle to raise adults who can
function in society that's whatI said okay, maybe yours is just
more wordy, like, but, but whatI'm saying is like to me that
that's the primary purpose of aparent right, is to raise adults
that can function in society,right.
(02:11):
That being said, I thinkthere's a lot that goes into
this and and really what I wantto focus on right in this
podcast is is understanding,like your purpose, as that you
know, as raising adults that canfunction in society is to get
(02:32):
is to understand that noteveryone is going to love your
child Right, especially the waythat you love your child Right.
Like to us, our children areour world.
Right, like we immense lovethey are of who we are right,
literally and figuratively.
I don't expect anyone else tocare for them take care of them
(02:54):
the way that I do, like.
I don't expect anyone else tobend over backwards for them.
I don't expect anyone else togive them the benefit of the
doubt.
I don't expect anyone else togive them the benefit of the
doubt.
Speaker 3 (03:05):
I don't expect anyone else, to have grace and mercy
with them, to treat them the waythat.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
I would treat anything of that nature and I
think some of us we see ourchildren a certain way and we
expect everyone else to, and Idon't think that that is not
fair.
I don't think that's a fairexpectation.
Speaker 3 (03:24):
I don't think that's fair to society and it's not
fair to your kid for them tothink that.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
Right, and I'm glad you hit that, because how is it
not fair to your kid?
Speaker 3 (03:34):
Because the expectation that you're setting
is that what you do in your homeand how you are with them in
your home, everybody is going todo the same thing, and then
they go out into society, theygo to school.
Everybody is going to do thesame thing, and then they go out
into society, they go to school, they go to a grocery store and
they're doing something andeveryone else is going.
What in the name of Jesus ishappening here?
And you're like that's just mybaby.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
Right, and that's where I think you hit it right.
One, stop making excuses foryour kid, like have a standard.
And two, when they fail to meetthat standard, check on it.
Speaker 3 (04:09):
Well, there should be a discipline right um to meet
that standard and I think, as we, as I read through, like you
know, when we were talking aboutdifferent podcast ideas and you
sent this one over, I I justremember thinking to myself.
You know, scripture says Goddisciplines those who he loves.
And then, when a parent isputting their child out there as
(04:32):
flawless and perfect, um,you're setting them up for
failure because the devil wantsyou to not discipline your child
.
I believe the devil wants youto look at your child like
they're perfect, because thenyou won't correct them.
Speaker 1 (04:45):
Right.
Speaker 3 (04:45):
And then later on in life he's going to snatch them
up, spit them.
You know, chew them up and spitthem out.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
Well, not even the devil, just society in general.
Speaker 3 (04:55):
When I say the devil, I mean like through things like
that, like through situationsin their marriage with their
kids.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
And that's really what I want to focus on in this
podcast, like it's not a bashingpodcast.
I go.
I want you to focus.
If your goal is to raise fullyfunctioning adults that can live
within society, you have todiscipline your children, you
have to have a standard for yourchildren and I think this is
(05:27):
honestly the biggest thing iswhere.
Speaker 3 (05:30):
Where are you getting ?
Speaker 1 (05:30):
your standard from right.
Right, I agree.
Like that, I think, becausemost people's standard comes
from this right.
Speaker 3 (05:36):
We look back to our childhood you literally just
took it out of my brain and wego.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
I like this, I like that, like this, I like that.
Speaker 3 (05:44):
I didn't like that I didn't like this.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
I didn't like that.
Like like I've met a lot ofparents who won't discipline
their children.
A certain way Because theirparents went over, yeah, a
certain way.
Speaker 3 (05:56):
Right.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
Because their parents went overboard.
Speaker 3 (05:59):
Right.
So instead of going hey, Iunderstand, there are things I
was disciplined for that I maynot discipline my children the
same, or children the same waymy parents did, but I still
discipline them for that thing.
Um, I'm not going to throw thebaby out with bath water,
because their goal.
They had the right idea.
I just didn't care for, maybe,how they did it um, well, it's.
(06:22):
We overcorrect so much insociety, and we've talked to
plenty of parents that were like, well, when I was younger this
happened, so I'm never gonnamake my kids deal with that.
And it's like you are literallythe main cause of your children
having a struggle in life yes,I was gonna say their downfall,
like you as a parent going mm-mm, I'm carrying my own childhood
(06:46):
trauma, or this triggered me orwhatever.
I know that that's your favoriteword I'm carrying all this
stuff.
So instead of going, hey,whatever like that's life Things
happen I'm going to moveforward and just raise the best
kids I possibly can.
You're going, I'm going tocarry all these wounds and then
I'm going to carry them into myparenting and you're hurting
(07:08):
your kids.
I can tell you firsthand youare hurting your kids.
Speaker 1 (07:14):
And that is really the main thrust, right there,
right, you've got to stop takingyour trauma and projecting it
onto your kids.
Okay, so just take spanking,for example right right.
Um, I know people can be verysplit on spanking.
Should you spank your childrenor not?
(07:35):
All right, and I know, for themost part, the christian
response.
You know spare the rod, spoilthe job but that's going away in
the church too, because I meanI I, I hear that, but but again
one, there's nothing wrong withthat, and what that proverb is
trying to get you to understandis more so you have to do
(07:56):
something.
Speaker 3 (07:58):
You can't stand idly by while your child is going
wayward and going which again.
Speaker 1 (08:02):
so step one.
If you're that kind of person,step one would be very clear
when are you getting yourstandard from Right?
What is the standard in yourhousehold and where are you
getting that?
Speaker 3 (08:15):
Right, have you set no expectations?
Because if your kids are justwallowing out all over the place
and they're not even concernedthat you're going to know, then
you have no standard.
Right, your standard is yourkid's feeling, actually, if
you're not, but I see where youwere going.
I cut you off.
I'm sorry, do you?
(08:35):
I do?
Yeah, no, keep going, Iapologize.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
So if we're a Christian, okay, the standard is
perfection, right, right.
Okay, the standard isperfection, right, right, like
the standard is perfection.
I'm not saying we have to beperfect.
That is what sin is right.
Sin is hamarita in the greek,it literally means missing the
mark.
Well, the mark was perfection.
You have missed that mark.
You have now committed a sinand the wages of sin is death.
(09:03):
Right, Right.
And, and that is the story ofthe gospel because we have
sinned, we deserve to die.
Right, Jesus came, lived aperfect life, born of a virgin.
Um never sinned once andtherefore could take our
position in death.
Right Uh dies.
On the cross is buried.
All the wrath of God was pouredout on that right rose again on
(09:25):
the third day and and now cangive new life because of that
resurrection.
So if we're looking at that andgoing, that is the standard.
Should the standard in ourhouses be perfection?
no right obviously not you know,obviously it shouldn't be
perfection, because I hate and Iknow, um, people used to get
highly upset with me.
Highly upset because I woulduse the illustration so much
(09:50):
that your child, especially Mo,like in Citigroup, is wicked and
black-hearted and wretched.
And it's this, you know, yearold child and everyone again we
have that tendency right notthat baby.
Right, we have that tendency tolook at especially babies,
puppies, things of that nature,and they can play on those
(10:11):
emotions because they look sosweet and innocent.
One we have to understand yourchild, and this is a different
podcast, but your child is notsweet and innocent.
Number two we have to have astandard, okay for some.
Speaker 3 (10:23):
So so number you need to dig in a little bit more.
Speaker 1 (10:26):
So so where you get your standard from matters.
Right.
For most people, your standardis pretty much like what you
were raised with Right.
Right.
You were sitting here and going.
Well, when I was growing up, weweren't allowed to whatever,
like we weren't allowed to rideour bikes on Lake Boulevard.
Okay, to ride our bikes on LakeBoulevard, that was a rule in
our house because it was a bigroad it was, you know cars would
(10:47):
fly down it.
It was a cut through road in theneighborhood, so you know they
didn't have so so it was.
You're not allowed to ride downthere.
But but bigger picture, here iswhere you get your standard
from matters.
As a Christian, your standardshould come from scripture.
So one of the illustrations Igive a lot in sermons is this
like we all say, we follow Jesus, all right, but most of us were
(11:11):
taught you better never start afight but finish it, but you
better finish the fight.
Scripture teaches the oppositeof that, though.
Right Likeesus is sitting heregetting punched in the face and
mocked and spit on by the romansoldiers right before his
crucifixion.
He doesn't punch back, nope, hedoesn't hit back.
(11:32):
You know what jesus could havedone with a headbutt like,
especially with the crown ofthorns on?
right like I, go and, and, and.
So what we see in jesus isdifferent than what most of us
are teaching our children and Ithink what happens is because
that's people can see that it'skind of sticky.
Speaker 3 (11:50):
They're sitting here going.
You're just sitting here going,let my child get beat to death.
I don't believe that.
I think I mean you should getaway and defend yourself if you
need to, but I don't think yourfirst response should be to
attack.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
I agree, but but again, the the point isn't
should you defend or should,because no, but I think people
get lost and that's where theybecause I go.
That's where they start going.
Speaker 3 (12:13):
They're like oh, you're just.
I've had that conversation withpeople and I understand what
I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (12:17):
I understand that.
But I mean there are otherpoints in scripture you know I
could pull out where where godis like, hey, destroy this
entire right.
You know lineage of people,right?
That that's not my point.
My point is, is some of us,when step one is we have to have
a standard, where does thatstandard come from?
It should come from scriptureokay, our standards should be in
(12:38):
scripture if, yeah, if we'recalling ourselves christians,
yes um, and and even if you'renot a Christian.
Speaker 3 (12:46):
You got to get it from somewhere and you've
listened this long.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
You still have to have some kind of a standard,
Even if you want to sit down andwrite out, right, and that's a
big thing in education, right?
You know, during that firstweek of class as a class, you
sit down and go hey, here's theclass rules.
Speaker 3 (13:03):
We actually just redid our class rules on friday
in my class.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
You know, because if you do it together you know the
kids have more likely to cling.
They have more ownership in it,right?
So step one is you need to havea standard.
Step two is you need to haveclear directives right for when
that standard is not met if,then when, then right you know,
and and okay, so here is ourstandard.
Um, and then for an infractionto this standard, okay, like we
(13:29):
talked about just a little bitago, the wages of sin is death.
There isn't, there's a, adiscipline.
There is a result, aconsequence of not hitting this
standard right now obviouslyyour standard, should your, your
consequence should never bedeath in your household, right,
like, like.
It shouldn't be like hey, youknow, you didn't take the trash
out, you deserve off with yourhead right um off with the head,
(13:52):
but on the same hand, thereshould be very clear-cut um
consequences for not hittingthat standard I remember when JT
was in school and the teacherwould say, when he was learning
sight words.
Speaker 3 (14:08):
No, not that, that's a whole different story.
And the teacher would say do Ineed to call your dad?
Yeah, and he would tremble andgo no, no, I'm sorry, please
don't call my dad, because healready knew in advance.
If I'm doing something I'm notsupposed to and I don't listen
to the teacher and they call mydad, I'm going to get spanked
(14:29):
when I get home.
Right, there wasn't a.
Speaker 1 (14:32):
Or you're going to lose privileges, something At
the very least Something.
Speaker 3 (14:36):
I'm talking about, like the disrespect, the
constant disrespect to theteacher Right, least something
I'm talking about, like thedisrespect the constant
disrespect to the teacher rightwhere these days you can talk to
a kid and go.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
I'm going to call your parent and they go okay,
right, which that's a wholeother episode.
But again, you have to have astandard, you have to have clear
expectations, um forconsequences if you do not meet
that standard because,essentially, you're hurting your
children.
Speaker 3 (15:01):
It's, it's.
Speaker 1 (15:02):
And number three.
Speaker 3 (15:03):
Oh sorry, number three.
Speaker 1 (15:04):
Yeah, number three is you need to follow through with
those consequences.
All right If you and and thisis where, and honestly, as
parents, you need to understandlike, don't shoot the moon right
out the gate.
I used to do that Because ifyou start up here, yeah, there's
nothing, there's nowhere foryou to escalate to Right, right.
(15:24):
So so if this is World War IIIand it doesn't work, or your kid
pulls your bluff.
Speaker 3 (15:31):
You have nowhere to go and they'll call They'll.
They will.
They'll call your bluff.
Speaker 1 (15:35):
You have nowhere else to go.
Now you have to backtrack andyou like a liar right and like
you, you can't.
So so I go.
You know, yeah, yourinfractions, you know your
discipline.
It needs to start a little bitlower and and so you have room
to escalate up, right, you know,and, and and follow through
(15:56):
with that, okay, like when yourkid comes home, you know, and,
and, maybe like it's hey, youknow, I got an email from the
teacher, you know, or somethingof that nature.
Maybe it is just you know, hey,you lost, you know, electronics
for today.
Speaker 3 (16:12):
A conversation and you lost the tongs for today.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
Or maybe it is.
Yeah, you know, maybe it isjust that conversation.
You know, Because we have achild, that sometimes you have a
conversation and they'retrembling and like they'll move
on from there.
But see, and that's the otherthing, right, you know, know
your children.
Right, because I'll tell you,right now I have a child that,
like, spankings are veryineffective for um, you could
(16:38):
sit there and and just spank allday long and it would never be
an issue.
However, if you go, well, that'svery disappointing and walk
away.
It wrecks them.
Oh yeah, you know.
So I was the child again.
You could, my dad could havespanked me all day and it
wouldn't have bothered me like Icould deal with physical, you
know pain like that, not sayingI enjoyed it, but like it
(17:00):
wouldn't it wouldn't have thesame effect.
Speaker 3 (17:02):
You were like, okay, let's just hurry up and move on
Right.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
But you told me to sit at the table like and not
get up, not move, not go play,like that's a big thing, you
know, and again I go.
So number one is have astandard.
Number two have clearconsequences for infractions of
that standard.
Number three is follow throughwith those.
(17:24):
If you go to your child and go,hey, you got in trouble.
And now you know you didn'tlisten.
Whatever the case may be, yougot in trouble.
I'm taking your phone away fora month.
Speaker 3 (17:37):
And then they have it four days later, right.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
Three days later, four days later, four days later
, they have their phone backthey've literally like you are a
joke now you're a punk to them,and they know I don't need to
worry about this because they'regonna talk a big game but
they're not gonna back it up andunderstand as a parent, like
when you get to a point whereyou're taking away electronics
(18:00):
and stuff like that.
You know that has an effect foryou too.
Right, like one of the hardestthings for me, like uh, years
ago, was you know we had to.
You don't even know what I'mabout to say.
I do know what you're gonna sayyou know the kids had to have
their rooms clean every monday,and, and you know it became hard
for me because then that meansas a parent every monday.
Speaker 3 (18:19):
You have to go check that I knew what you were going
to say.
Speaker 1 (18:23):
And I go.
Speaker 3 (18:23):
Because even if you're tired, you still have to
go Right.
Well, I said I was going to dothis.
So one time Josh had told oneof our kids, if this, then I'm
going to break your phone.
And you know, never in amillion years did I ever think
one my kid would do what theydid to that Josh would really
break a phone.
He literally took the phone,put it on the table, took a
(18:46):
hammer as I gasp and crushed itinto little pieces.
And I thought to myself webought that phone.
But after he was done he saidwell, I told him I was going to
do it, so you?
Speaker 1 (18:59):
got to do it.
I can't lie to him.
To him right and I went andthat's where, as a parent, it
takes work on your part to sitdown, you know, and hopefully
map out with your spouse and gohey, like we need to sit down
and get a hold of this before wecan really even enact this
(19:19):
within our family.
Speaker 3 (19:20):
Because your children , as sweet and as much as you
love them, are going to play youand your spouse against each
other if they can.
And I know, like for our kidsthere are times they've been
like do you have to tell daddy,you've already dealt with it, do
you have to tell him?
And I said I tell him.
Yes, I mean I've dealt with itand daddy will know that've
dealt with it.
And daddy will know that Idealt with it.
(19:41):
He may have something to saylater, but the discipline's
already been done.
But yes, I am going to telldaddy because I don't keep
anything from him like that andthey really, really like in the
hopes of going but mommy, Iwon't do it again.
Please, please, please, nope.
I'm going to tell daddy becausewe're going to be on the same
page across the board witheverything.
Speaker 1 (20:01):
Absolutely A hundred percent, and that's what I mean.
It may take us sitting down andgoing hey, you know what let's
write out here are.
Here is our standards, here areinfractions for these standards
, because me and you have to beon the same page, right, see?
And that's that.
That would be number four forme, right?
Be on the same page, see, andthat would be number four for me
, right, mm-hmm?
Be on the same page, right,because, again, don't allow your
(20:26):
children the opportunity toplay you against each other.
Speaker 3 (20:30):
Because I will tell you, being in education as long
as we've been in education, Imean there are times you talk to
kids and they're like my mom'snot gonna do anything, she's
like shit.
I'm gonna tell my dad.
Speaker 1 (20:39):
you talk to kids and they're like my mom's not doing
anything, she said shit, I'mgonna tell my dad, or I mean,
let's be honest, our kids, yeah,you know, they teachers could
have told jt like you worked atthe school.
I'm gonna go tell your mom andand you know, maybe he would
straighten up, maybe he wouldn't, but and and we told every
teacher, like when we met withyou know for parent teacher
conference or meet the teacheror whatever.
Speaker 3 (20:58):
Whatever, you know, if you really want to see a
change, go, I'm gonna call yourdad and it's funny because,
being an education I'm, I go outof my way to involve dads and I
do.
I see such a huge difference ifI reach out to a dad and
because the kids are like andagain my mom future, future
(21:20):
podcast.
Speaker 1 (21:21):
We can go through the difference between mom and dad,
right, um, but regardless,because I've seen it the other
side too, right.
I've seen really soft dads andreally.
Oh, that's true, yeah, not veryoften, but yeah or especially
like when well, yeah, I wasgonna say especially when it
comes to girls, but it doesn'treally matter, um, but but I
have seen it the other way.
Right and I go.
(21:42):
So, number one have a standard.
Number two have clearexpectations for infractions of
those standards.
Number three follow throughwith those infractions.
And number four be on the samepage, be a team.
Okay, this takes work and,unfortunately, I think that's
where the problem comes in.
(22:03):
Right, this takes work.
But here's the deal Understandyour child.
Eventually, if you are raisingthem to be, um, upstanding
citizens in society, your childeventually is going to have a
teacher.
Right, they're going to go toschool right right right,
they're going to have eventuallyum a boss.
(22:23):
You know, eventually they'regonna have a job right
understand their boss does notlook at them.
They're just an employee rightto them.
That's all they are like.
They're not.
They don't have that emotionalattachment right that you do and
and I go and I get thateventually they're gonna have a
spouse of their own one day,maybe, right, and and that's a
(22:46):
totally different type ofemotional connection, right, but
no one, no one, no one,regardless of all.
They're gonna have friends,they're gonna have coaches, you
know all of those differentthings, understand, though no
one looks at them the way you do, right, and if you and that's
okay if you were sitting heregoing, hey, you can just do
(23:07):
whatever, whenever, however,with whoever understand, you are
hurting them in the long run,right you?
you really and truly are,because, right, eventually, that
teacher is gonna have rules,right, right.
And then what's going to happen?
Literally, we've had parentsthat were like, hey, stop
calling me, you deal with it.
Speaker 3 (23:27):
Literally.
Speaker 1 (23:28):
And I go.
I can't because I don't havethe tools in my toolbox as a
teacher.
That you do as a parent, right,but they're going to have a
teacher that has rules, whodoesn't look at your child like
the center of their universebecause they're not, because
they have 30 other children inthat classroom.
Speaker 3 (23:45):
We don't, but yes.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
But eventually.
Yeah, I know, I mean it happens, right, right, eventually
they're going to be at a job andthat boss is not going to look
at them the way that you look atthem when I talk, because they
have 300 other employees when Italk to other moms, I always
think, especially if they'remoms of boys I go, you're gonna
have a daughter-in-law one day,and god forbid that
(24:07):
daughter-in-law.
Speaker 3 (24:07):
Look at you and go are you kidding me?
Like?
This is what you did, right,like um, but think about it.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
Why do we got 30 year olds living in basements
playing video games Like?
Why do we got 35 year olds?
Why is failure to launch athing?
Speaker 3 (24:21):
That's how you raised them and make no mistake, like
as a mom I would absolutely love.
I love babying my kids.
I love doing stuff for them.
You always said I always madethem too comfortable.
You did With their littleblankies?
Speaker 1 (24:33):
Way too comfortable.
And look at him now.
I got a 17-year-old who alwayshas to have a blankie.
Speaker 3 (24:39):
He does always have a blankie.
Speaker 1 (24:43):
But he can also function.
Yes, he can, he can no.
Speaker 3 (24:46):
I can send him out and go hey, go, do this, this,
this and this.
But again the big thing is hecan know he's at home and safe.
And, and the big thing is, hecan know he's at home and safe
and he can know at home, mommy'sgoing to do these things.
Speaker 1 (24:56):
Right.
Speaker 3 (24:56):
But he also knows when you have to go do like go
handle stuff.
You need to go handle stuffLike.
He knows that.
Speaker 1 (25:03):
Right.
Speaker 3 (25:12):
But and like I was saying, like we have always,
looked at this and went no oneloves you the way that I do and
you're going to go one day.
Yeah, and as much as that maypain me, I think I think a lot
of times as parents we take ourpersonal feelings and then we
project them on our kids, notjust from like our childhood and
stuff, but like, oh, that's mybaby, that is your baby, that is
going to go.
Like the whole goal is for themto go and then they can come
(25:32):
back and visit.
Become productive members ofsociety is for them to go, and
then?
they can come back and visitmembers of society, and they
come back and visit right withtheir spouse, their kids,
whatever the case might be, um,and then they go back out to
their home like not be a 30, 35year old right in a basement
playing video games, because younever told them no or you
thought everything they did wascute, or they were 15, 16, 17,
(25:54):
with five-year-old behavior andyou were like it's okay, buddy,
or you didn't want to again haveyour children relive the trauma
of your childhood you don'twant them to not like you hey,
look, I get it.
Speaker 1 (26:06):
You know your, your mom, your dad, they may have
went overboard with discipline,sure, okay, you may have
genuinely been abused you mayhave scars.
Those things happened right,and I'm not saying that that was
correct and that's what youshould do, um but on the same
hand right you got to dosomething, because a child will
always push you as far as theycan push you.
(26:27):
Always I think about, but thinkabout it any person will always
push you as far as they canpush you In relationships,
marriage, yeah.
They will push you until you go.
Uh-uh, that's it.
Here is.
Speaker 3 (26:41):
Here's the line.
Speaker 1 (26:42):
And that's what I'm saying the more clear you can
make your standards, the morespecific you can make your
standards, the more clear.
Speaker 3 (26:51):
Specific direct instruction.
Speaker 1 (26:52):
The more clear you can go hey, here is the
consequence for infractions,right the more you can do all of
that.
Speaker 3 (27:00):
And I think, if you start from a place of I love my
child enough to correct them allof this.
It should all be based in love,but I don't think it always is
it's sometimes it's based on umfear.
Speaker 1 (27:12):
It's based uh based on like anxiety, but that's why,
if you really go back and youcan go back and pay attention
and listen, we didn't use theword punish.
Speaker 3 (27:21):
No.
Because discipline is done outof love to correct Right, punish
is done out of anger to hurt,Right, you should never ever
ever, if you're angry and you'relike I'm going to wring their
neck you better calm down, calmdown even you might even have to
go.
It's gonna take a couple hours,yeah, and tell your kid we're
gonna come back to this after Ihave calmed down.
We've had those conversationswith the kids.
I'm not.
(27:41):
I can't deal with this rightnow because I'm angry, yeah, so
I need to step back for a secondand I shouldn't react out of
that right.
And then I mean I, I've alwaysrespected your goal your goal
should never be to hurt, right,right ever.
You're like when the kid'srunning out in the middle of the
road.
You didn't grab them and spanktheir bottom to hurt them.
It was, hey, quick, a quick,swift correction to go.
(28:02):
Hey, that's gonna hurt you moreand we can.
Speaker 1 (28:05):
We can do.
If you guys want to hear aepisode on spanking, I can do a
whole episode on spanking.
All right, because the goal ofspanking is never again to hurt
the child.
It's not the physical aspect ofit right the goal is to get
their attention quickly right.
Speaker 3 (28:25):
That's the goal if you're sitting there just
beating on them, you have aproblem.
Speaker 1 (28:30):
Yeah, there's something wrong with you you
need to go to jail righthonestly, and I think we're way
too lenient with with child ohyeah you know abuse and all and
all of that.
The bible is much harder on youknow.
Jesus literally says if youhurt a child, it would be better
for you to tie a millstonearound your neck and throw
yourself in the sea and it wasfunny because we went to the
bible museum and I saw what amillstone was.
Speaker 3 (28:52):
For whatever reason, I just thought a millstone was
and then I saw it.
Speaker 1 (28:56):
I went yeah, no, that's what he was used to crush
grain.
Yeah, yeah I was like okay yeah, throw an anchor on yourself,
throw yourself in the sea, likeso please don't misunderstand
anything I'm saying about likeas far as stuff like that goes.
But the biggest things are isto realize the reason you
discipline is because noteveryone is going to love your
child the way you do.
Speaker 3 (29:17):
Right and you want them to have a life that they're
thriving and they're doing welland they can look back and be
like ah, thank God, my mom anddad didn't let me get away with
this or that.
Speaker 1 (29:27):
Right, but as a parent, you will put up with
stuff.
Yeah.
Because it's your kid.
Speaker 3 (29:32):
Right, that other people will not put up with.
And we tell our kids, like totheir faces, no one else is
going to deal with this.
Like this is not okay.
Right, I mean through tears andall they've made.
Speaker 1 (29:44):
So so I'm just going to like, real quick, you know,
get this.
I want to put this back outright Step one.
Have clear standards out rightstep one.
Have clear standards where yourstandards come from matter.
Set rules, set boundaries andbe clear about them.
All right, don't be ambiguouswith oh, never get in trouble.
Well, I mean, there's obviouslya difference between you, know
(30:08):
I?
I got an email from your parent, you got suspended right from
school.
Right number two have clear umconsequences for violations of
those standards.
Right, you know, sit here andagain.
There is a difference betweenyou, know, you chewing gum in
(30:28):
class.
Well, I'm trying to giveexamples other than just in
school, right?
Oh, we just see so much of itin school, right, but I'm you to
give examples other than justin school right, oh, we just see
so much of it in school right,but I'm.
Speaker 3 (30:37):
You know there's a difference between you, know you
rode your bike three streetsover, when you were only
supposed to say two streets overright and you left the city
right you know so.
Speaker 1 (30:49):
so, number one have a standard.
Number two have clearconsequences for infractions of
those standards.
Number three um, again, makesure that you follow through on
those infractions.
Okay, If they're grounded for aweek, they are grounded for a
week.
If, if, if electronics are gonefor a month, they need to be
(31:09):
gone for a month.
And it might inconvenience you,but it will probably
inconvenience you, yeah, but youhave to because what you're
doing understand.
You're always teaching as aparent it's like cognitive
behavior therapy without evenrealizing, you're always you're
always teaching as a parent, andif, if, if you're sitting here
going, hey, you lost this for amonth, and then they're getting
it back after three or four days, you are still teaching.
(31:32):
What you're teaching, though,is that consequences don't
matter, right?
So when they are older and theyare out on their own and they
come up against, they broke thelaw, they got arrested, they got
, you know, they got.
They were late to their job,and their boss was like hey, if
you're late again, you knowwe're gonna fire you right and
they're late again, and thenthey're late again, because
(31:53):
consequences don't matter,because mom and dad used to tell
me all the time like right.
Speaker 3 (31:57):
My parents didn't stick to it.
Right and they love me.
Speaker 1 (31:59):
Right.
So now they're late again andnow your kids live in in a box
on the side of the road becauseyou taught them that
consequences don't matter andthat's going to hurt much more
than a correction right now.
Right, a little correctionright now, and that's something
my dad used to always tell me,right, little little kids,
little problems, big kids, bigproblems.
(32:21):
Right, you know, a littlecorrection here is going to save
them, a big correction later.
Right.
So we set the standard, we haveclear consequences, we stand by
it and we work together.
Right, right.
Speaker 3 (32:36):
Be on the same page, on the same page, even, even and
I do go back to school, buteven like working with your
kid's teacher be on the samepage.
You know I can partner withthem I can talk to a kid and go.
Well, I talked to your mom andshe already told me that blah,
blah, blah.
And there I'm telling you, thekids are like you.
Talked to my mom.
Speaker 1 (32:52):
Yes, partner with them?
Yes, absolutely I'll tell youright now, as a teacher, I would
much rather us partner together.
Yes.
Because I see things that youdon't see, right, because I'm
with your kid literally all day,every day, right?
You know, and let's be honest,my kids act different when
they're not in front of me.
Speaker 3 (33:10):
And I'm grateful for the teachers that were like hey,
just to let you know I saw thisand this and, or came to me and
worked with me.
Like it made life so mucheasier.
Speaker 1 (33:19):
Right, and if everybody's goal is the
betterment of the child, yeah,guess what?
Speaker 3 (33:23):
Stop getting so butthurt when you're.
When somebody says somethingabout your kid, right Go is what
they're saying, true.
Speaker 1 (33:29):
No.
Yes.
What I'm saying is no, I wasgonna go overboard with it
because I it's just one of mypet peeves, right?
Um, and it's a differentepisode, but like, understand
your child wouldn't do that.
Understand your child is notperfect, right they're?
Speaker 3 (33:46):
not.
I think it as a parent, ithelps me love them better when I
go.
Yeah, and that's why I stoppedmyself, because you're right.
Speaker 1 (33:54):
Um, it's just one of my, one of my, you know gotcha.
So, other than that, like Ithink that that should end this
episode yeah, I think it wasgood all right, so until next
episode.
We love you.
We thank you.
We can't do this without youshare.
Please help us out and share,like that's the biggest thing
(34:15):
you can do.
You can always follow us onsocial media, just look up.
Speaker 3 (34:21):
Mission sent, just mission sent on Facebook, and
then it's mission sent onInstagram.
Speaker 1 (34:27):
Yeah, because I don't get on social media yeah.
Speaker 3 (34:29):
It's easy, it's really easy.
Speaker 1 (34:30):
There's another episode, right.
Speaker 3 (34:31):
That's a whole other episode.
Hello and welcome to another episode of Faith, Family
and Fishing.
We got a good one today.
(00:21):
You probably read the title.
Speaker 3 (00:23):
Okay, but the title is no one loves your kid like
you do no, no, no.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
You gotta say it like this no one loves your kid no
one loves your kid like you dolike you do, it's true.
So.
So we're gonna get into this umand and there's a lot that
deals with this right, but letme start by asking this what?
Speaker 3 (00:53):
is your primary goal as a parent.
Speaker 1 (00:54):
My primary goal, what's your primary goal as a
parent?
To not raise jerks, to notraise jerks.
Speaker 3 (01:01):
okay, that might sound bad, but that's what I
tell the kids.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
I don't want you to grow up and be little buttholes.
Well, I understand you don'twant that, but what, what, what?
Speaker 3 (01:12):
would you say, is the primary goal of parents.
I I want them to bewell-functioning human beings
who love jesus, love theirfamilies, love other people,
serve, give, do things and notbe jerks okay, so your goals are
all based on the like, prettymuch on performance.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
I would say what that was terrible.
I would say that mr.
Performance based okay yeah, itis something I struggle with,
but I go.
I would say that the primarypurpose of parenting man, that's
a lot of pops primary purposeof parenting.
I would say that the primary,the primary purpose of parenting
(01:51):
is this peter piper picked apickle to raise adults who can
function in society that's whatI said okay, maybe yours is just
more wordy, like, but, but whatI'm saying is like to me that
that's the primary purpose of aparent right, is to raise adults
that can function in society,right.
(02:11):
That being said, I thinkthere's a lot that goes into
this and and really what I wantto focus on right in this
podcast is is understanding,like your purpose, as that you
know, as raising adults that canfunction in society is to get
(02:32):
is to understand that noteveryone is going to love your
child Right, especially the waythat you love your child Right.
Like to us, our children areour world.
Right, like we immense lovethey are of who we are right,
literally and figuratively.
I don't expect anyone else tocare for them take care of them
(02:54):
the way that I do, like.
I don't expect anyone else tobend over backwards for them.
I don't expect anyone else togive them the benefit of the
doubt.
I don't expect anyone else togive them the benefit of the
doubt.
Speaker 3 (03:05):
I don't expect anyone else, to have grace and mercy
with them, to treat them the waythat.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
I would treat anything of that nature and I
think some of us we see ourchildren a certain way and we
expect everyone else to, and Idon't think that that is not
fair.
I don't think that's a fairexpectation.
Speaker 3 (03:24):
I don't think that's fair to society and it's not
fair to your kid for them tothink that.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
Right, and I'm glad you hit that, because how is it
not fair to your kid?
Speaker 3 (03:34):
Because the expectation that you're setting
is that what you do in your homeand how you are with them in
your home, everybody is going todo the same thing, and then
they go out into society, theygo to school.
Everybody is going to do thesame thing, and then they go out
into society, they go to school, they go to a grocery store and
they're doing something andeveryone else is going.
What in the name of Jesus ishappening here?
And you're like that's just mybaby.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
Right, and that's where I think you hit it right.
One, stop making excuses foryour kid, like have a standard.
And two, when they fail to meetthat standard, check on it.
Speaker 3 (04:09):
Well, there should be a discipline right um to meet
that standard and I think, as we, as I read through, like you
know, when we were talking aboutdifferent podcast ideas and you
sent this one over, I I justremember thinking to myself.
You know, scripture says Goddisciplines those who he loves.
And then, when a parent isputting their child out there as
(04:32):
flawless and perfect, um,you're setting them up for
failure because the devil wantsyou to not discipline your child
.
I believe the devil wants youto look at your child like
they're perfect, because thenyou won't correct them.
Speaker 1 (04:45):
Right.
Speaker 3 (04:45):
And then later on in life he's going to snatch them
up, spit them.
You know, chew them up and spitthem out.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
Well, not even the devil, just society in general.
Speaker 3 (04:55):
When I say the devil, I mean like through things like
that, like through situationsin their marriage with their
kids.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
And that's really what I want to focus on in this
podcast, like it's not a bashingpodcast.
I go.
I want you to focus.
If your goal is to raise fullyfunctioning adults that can live
within society, you have todiscipline your children, you
have to have a standard for yourchildren and I think this is
(05:27):
honestly the biggest thing iswhere.
Speaker 3 (05:30):
Where are you getting ?
Speaker 1 (05:30):
your standard from right.
Right, I agree.
Like that, I think, becausemost people's standard comes
from this right.
Speaker 3 (05:36):
We look back to our childhood you literally just
took it out of my brain and wego.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
I like this, I like that, like this, I like that.
Speaker 3 (05:44):
I didn't like that I didn't like this.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
I didn't like that.
Like like I've met a lot ofparents who won't discipline
their children.
A certain way Because theirparents went over, yeah, a
certain way.
Speaker 3 (05:56):
Right.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
Because their parents went overboard.
Speaker 3 (05:59):
Right.
So instead of going hey, Iunderstand, there are things I
was disciplined for that I maynot discipline my children the
same, or children the same waymy parents did, but I still
discipline them for that thing.
Um, I'm not going to throw thebaby out with bath water,
because their goal.
They had the right idea.
I just didn't care for, maybe,how they did it um, well, it's.
(06:22):
We overcorrect so much insociety, and we've talked to
plenty of parents that were like, well, when I was younger this
happened, so I'm never gonnamake my kids deal with that.
And it's like you are literallythe main cause of your children
having a struggle in life yes,I was gonna say their downfall,
like you as a parent going mm-mm, I'm carrying my own childhood
(06:46):
trauma, or this triggered me orwhatever.
I know that that's your favoriteword I'm carrying all this
stuff.
So instead of going, hey,whatever like that's life Things
happen I'm going to moveforward and just raise the best
kids I possibly can.
You're going, I'm going tocarry all these wounds and then
I'm going to carry them into myparenting and you're hurting
(07:08):
your kids.
I can tell you firsthand youare hurting your kids.
Speaker 1 (07:14):
And that is really the main thrust, right there,
right, you've got to stop takingyour trauma and projecting it
onto your kids.
Okay, so just take spanking,for example right right.
Um, I know people can be verysplit on spanking.
Should you spank your childrenor not?
(07:35):
All right, and I know, for themost part, the christian
response.
You know spare the rod, spoilthe job but that's going away in
the church too, because I meanI I, I hear that, but but again
one, there's nothing wrong withthat, and what that proverb is
trying to get you to understandis more so you have to do
(07:56):
something.
Speaker 3 (07:58):
You can't stand idly by while your child is going
wayward and going which again.
Speaker 1 (08:02):
so step one.
If you're that kind of person,step one would be very clear
when are you getting yourstandard from Right?
What is the standard in yourhousehold and where are you
getting that?
Speaker 3 (08:15):
Right, have you set no expectations?
Because if your kids are justwallowing out all over the place
and they're not even concernedthat you're going to know, then
you have no standard.
Right, your standard is yourkid's feeling, actually, if
you're not, but I see where youwere going.
I cut you off.
I'm sorry, do you?
(08:35):
I do?
Yeah, no, keep going, Iapologize.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
So if we're a Christian, okay, the standard is
perfection, right, right.
Okay, the standard isperfection, right, right, like
the standard is perfection.
I'm not saying we have to beperfect.
That is what sin is right.
Sin is hamarita in the greek,it literally means missing the
mark.
Well, the mark was perfection.
You have missed that mark.
You have now committed a sinand the wages of sin is death.
(09:03):
Right, Right.
And, and that is the story ofthe gospel because we have
sinned, we deserve to die.
Right, Jesus came, lived aperfect life, born of a virgin.
Um never sinned once andtherefore could take our
position in death.
Right Uh dies.
On the cross is buried.
All the wrath of God was pouredout on that right rose again on
(09:25):
the third day and and now cangive new life because of that
resurrection.
So if we're looking at that andgoing, that is the standard.
Should the standard in ourhouses be perfection?
no right obviously not you know,obviously it shouldn't be
perfection, because I hate and Iknow, um, people used to get
highly upset with me.
Highly upset because I woulduse the illustration so much
(09:50):
that your child, especially Mo,like in Citigroup, is wicked and
black-hearted and wretched.
And it's this, you know, yearold child and everyone again we
have that tendency right notthat baby.
Right, we have that tendency tolook at especially babies,
puppies, things of that nature,and they can play on those
(10:11):
emotions because they look sosweet and innocent.
One we have to understand yourchild, and this is a different
podcast, but your child is notsweet and innocent.
Number two we have to have astandard, okay for some.
Speaker 3 (10:23):
So so number you need to dig in a little bit more.
Speaker 1 (10:26):
So so where you get your standard from matters.
Right.
For most people, your standardis pretty much like what you
were raised with Right.
Right.
You were sitting here and going.
Well, when I was growing up, weweren't allowed to whatever,
like we weren't allowed to rideour bikes on Lake Boulevard.
Okay, to ride our bikes on LakeBoulevard, that was a rule in
our house because it was a bigroad it was, you know cars would
(10:47):
fly down it.
It was a cut through road in theneighborhood, so you know they
didn't have so so it was.
You're not allowed to ride downthere.
But but bigger picture, here iswhere you get your standard
from matters.
As a Christian, your standardshould come from scripture.
So one of the illustrations Igive a lot in sermons is this
like we all say, we follow Jesus, all right, but most of us were
(11:11):
taught you better never start afight but finish it, but you
better finish the fight.
Scripture teaches the oppositeof that, though.
Right Likeesus is sitting heregetting punched in the face and
mocked and spit on by the romansoldiers right before his
crucifixion.
He doesn't punch back, nope, hedoesn't hit back.
(11:32):
You know what jesus could havedone with a headbutt like,
especially with the crown ofthorns on?
right like I, go and, and, and.
So what we see in jesus isdifferent than what most of us
are teaching our children and Ithink what happens is because
that's people can see that it'skind of sticky.
Speaker 3 (11:50):
They're sitting here going.
You're just sitting here going,let my child get beat to death.
I don't believe that.
I think I mean you should getaway and defend yourself if you
need to, but I don't think yourfirst response should be to
attack.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
I agree, but but again, the the point isn't
should you defend or should,because no, but I think people
get lost and that's where theybecause I go.
That's where they start going.
Speaker 3 (12:13):
They're like oh, you're just.
I've had that conversation withpeople and I understand what
I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (12:17):
I understand that.
But I mean there are otherpoints in scripture you know I
could pull out where where godis like, hey, destroy this
entire right.
You know lineage of people,right?
That that's not my point.
My point is, is some of us,when step one is we have to have
a standard, where does thatstandard come from?
It should come from scriptureokay, our standards should be in
(12:38):
scripture if, yeah, if we'recalling ourselves christians,
yes um, and and even if you'renot a Christian.
Speaker 3 (12:46):
You got to get it from somewhere and you've
listened this long.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
You still have to have some kind of a standard,
Even if you want to sit down andwrite out, right, and that's a
big thing in education, right?
You know, during that firstweek of class as a class, you
sit down and go hey, here's theclass rules.
Speaker 3 (13:03):
We actually just redid our class rules on friday
in my class.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
You know, because if you do it together you know the
kids have more likely to cling.
They have more ownership in it,right?
So step one is you need to havea standard.
Step two is you need to haveclear directives right for when
that standard is not met if,then when, then right you know,
and and okay, so here is ourstandard.
Um, and then for an infractionto this standard, okay, like we
(13:29):
talked about just a little bitago, the wages of sin is death.
There isn't, there's a, adiscipline.
There is a result, aconsequence of not hitting this
standard right now obviouslyyour standard, should your, your
consequence should never bedeath in your household, right,
like, like.
It shouldn't be like hey, youknow, you didn't take the trash
out, you deserve off with yourhead right um off with the head,
(13:52):
but on the same hand, thereshould be very clear-cut um
consequences for not hittingthat standard I remember when JT
was in school and the teacherwould say, when he was learning
sight words.
Speaker 3 (14:08):
No, not that, that's a whole different story.
And the teacher would say do Ineed to call your dad?
Yeah, and he would tremble andgo no, no, I'm sorry, please
don't call my dad, because healready knew in advance.
If I'm doing something I'm notsupposed to and I don't listen
to the teacher and they call mydad, I'm going to get spanked
(14:29):
when I get home.
Right, there wasn't a.
Speaker 1 (14:32):
Or you're going to lose privileges, something At
the very least Something.
Speaker 3 (14:36):
I'm talking about, like the disrespect, the
constant disrespect to theteacher Right, least something
I'm talking about, like thedisrespect the constant
disrespect to the teacher rightwhere these days you can talk to
a kid and go.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
I'm going to call your parent and they go okay,
right, which that's a wholeother episode.
But again, you have to have astandard, you have to have clear
expectations, um forconsequences if you do not meet
that standard because,essentially, you're hurting your
children.
Speaker 3 (15:01):
It's, it's.
Speaker 1 (15:02):
And number three.
Speaker 3 (15:03):
Oh sorry, number three.
Speaker 1 (15:04):
Yeah, number three is you need to follow through with
those consequences.
All right If you and and thisis where, and honestly, as
parents, you need to understandlike, don't shoot the moon right
out the gate.
I used to do that Because ifyou start up here, yeah, there's
nothing, there's nowhere foryou to escalate to Right, right.
(15:24):
So so if this is World War IIIand it doesn't work, or your kid
pulls your bluff.
Speaker 3 (15:31):
You have nowhere to go and they'll call They'll.
They will.
They'll call your bluff.
Speaker 1 (15:35):
You have nowhere else to go.
Now you have to backtrack andyou like a liar right and like
you, you can't.
So so I go.
You know, yeah, yourinfractions, you know your
discipline.
It needs to start a little bitlower and and so you have room
to escalate up, right, you know,and, and and follow through
(15:56):
with that, okay, like when yourkid comes home, you know, and,
and, maybe like it's hey, youknow, I got an email from the
teacher, you know, or somethingof that nature.
Maybe it is just you know, hey,you lost, you know, electronics
for today.
Speaker 3 (16:12):
A conversation and you lost the tongs for today.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
Or maybe it is.
Yeah, you know, maybe it isjust that conversation.
You know, Because we have achild, that sometimes you have a
conversation and they'retrembling and like they'll move
on from there.
But see, and that's the otherthing, right, you know, know
your children.
Right, because I'll tell you,right now I have a child that,
like, spankings are veryineffective for um, you could
(16:38):
sit there and and just spank allday long and it would never be
an issue.
However, if you go, well, that'svery disappointing and walk
away.
It wrecks them.
Oh yeah, you know.
So I was the child again.
You could, my dad could havespanked me all day and it
wouldn't have bothered me like Icould deal with physical, you
know pain like that, not sayingI enjoyed it, but like it
(17:00):
wouldn't it wouldn't have thesame effect.
Speaker 3 (17:02):
You were like, okay, let's just hurry up and move on
Right.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
But you told me to sit at the table like and not
get up, not move, not go play,like that's a big thing, you
know, and again I go.
So number one is have astandard.
Number two have clearconsequences for infractions of
that standard.
Number three is follow throughwith those.
(17:24):
If you go to your child and go,hey, you got in trouble.
And now you know you didn'tlisten.
Whatever the case may be, yougot in trouble.
I'm taking your phone away fora month.
Speaker 3 (17:37):
And then they have it four days later, right.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
Three days later, four days later, four days later
, they have their phone backthey've literally like you are a
joke now you're a punk to them,and they know I don't need to
worry about this because they'regonna talk a big game but
they're not gonna back it up andunderstand as a parent, like
when you get to a point whereyou're taking away electronics
(18:00):
and stuff like that.
You know that has an effect foryou too.
Right, like one of the hardestthings for me, like uh, years
ago, was you know we had to.
You don't even know what I'mabout to say.
I do know what you're gonna sayyou know the kids had to have
their rooms clean every monday,and, and you know it became hard
for me because then that meansas a parent every monday.
Speaker 3 (18:19):
You have to go check that I knew what you were going
to say.
Speaker 1 (18:23):
And I go.
Speaker 3 (18:23):
Because even if you're tired, you still have to
go Right.
Well, I said I was going to dothis.
So one time Josh had told oneof our kids, if this, then I'm
going to break your phone.
And you know, never in amillion years did I ever think
one my kid would do what theydid to that Josh would really
break a phone.
He literally took the phone,put it on the table, took a
(18:46):
hammer as I gasp and crushed itinto little pieces.
And I thought to myself webought that phone.
But after he was done he saidwell, I told him I was going to
do it, so you?
Speaker 1 (18:59):
got to do it.
I can't lie to him.
To him right and I went andthat's where, as a parent, it
takes work on your part to sitdown, you know, and hopefully
map out with your spouse and gohey, like we need to sit down
and get a hold of this before wecan really even enact this
(19:19):
within our family.
Speaker 3 (19:20):
Because your children , as sweet and as much as you
love them, are going to play youand your spouse against each
other if they can.
And I know, like for our kidsthere are times they've been
like do you have to tell daddy,you've already dealt with it, do
you have to tell him?
And I said I tell him.
Yes, I mean I've dealt with itand daddy will know that've
dealt with it.
And daddy will know that Idealt with it.
(19:41):
He may have something to saylater, but the discipline's
already been done.
But yes, I am going to telldaddy because I don't keep
anything from him like that andthey really, really like in the
hopes of going but mommy, Iwon't do it again.
Please, please, please, nope.
I'm going to tell daddy becausewe're going to be on the same
page across the board witheverything.
Speaker 1 (20:01):
Absolutely A hundred percent, and that's what I mean.
It may take us sitting down andgoing hey, you know what let's
write out here are.
Here is our standards, here areinfractions for these standards
, because me and you have to beon the same page, right, see?
And that's that.
That would be number four forme, right?
Be on the same page, see, andthat would be number four for me
, right, mm-hmm?
Be on the same page, right,because, again, don't allow your
(20:26):
children the opportunity toplay you against each other.
Speaker 3 (20:30):
Because I will tell you, being in education as long
as we've been in education, Imean there are times you talk to
kids and they're like my mom'snot gonna do anything, she's
like shit.
I'm gonna tell my dad.
Speaker 1 (20:39):
you talk to kids and they're like my mom's not doing
anything, she said shit, I'mgonna tell my dad, or I mean,
let's be honest, our kids, yeah,you know, they teachers could
have told jt like you worked atthe school.
I'm gonna go tell your mom andand you know, maybe he would
straighten up, maybe he wouldn't, but and and we told every
teacher, like when we met withyou know for parent teacher
conference or meet the teacheror whatever.
Speaker 3 (20:58):
Whatever, you know, if you really want to see a
change, go, I'm gonna call yourdad and it's funny because,
being an education I'm, I go outof my way to involve dads and I
do.
I see such a huge difference ifI reach out to a dad and
because the kids are like andagain my mom future, future
(21:20):
podcast.
Speaker 1 (21:21):
We can go through the difference between mom and dad,
right, um, but regardless,because I've seen it the other
side too, right.
I've seen really soft dads andreally.
Oh, that's true, yeah, not veryoften, but yeah or especially
like when well, yeah, I wasgonna say especially when it
comes to girls, but it doesn'treally matter, um, but but I
have seen it the other way.
Right and I go.
(21:42):
So, number one have a standard.
Number two have clearexpectations for infractions of
those standards.
Number three follow throughwith those infractions.
And number four be on the samepage, be a team.
Okay, this takes work and,unfortunately, I think that's
where the problem comes in.
(22:03):
Right, this takes work.
But here's the deal Understandyour child.
Eventually, if you are raisingthem to be, um, upstanding
citizens in society, your childeventually is going to have a
teacher.
Right, they're going to go toschool right right right,
they're going to have eventuallyum a boss.
(22:23):
You know, eventually they'regonna have a job right
understand their boss does notlook at them.
They're just an employee rightto them.
That's all they are like.
They're not.
They don't have that emotionalattachment right that you do and
and I go and I get thateventually they're gonna have a
spouse of their own one day,maybe, right, and and that's a
(22:46):
totally different type ofemotional connection, right, but
no one, no one, no one,regardless of all.
They're gonna have friends,they're gonna have coaches, you
know all of those differentthings, understand, though no
one looks at them the way you do, right, and if you and that's
okay if you were sitting heregoing, hey, you can just do
(23:07):
whatever, whenever, however,with whoever understand, you are
hurting them in the long run,right you?
you really and truly are,because, right, eventually, that
teacher is gonna have rules,right, right.
And then what's going to happen?
Literally, we've had parentsthat were like, hey, stop
calling me, you deal with it.
Speaker 3 (23:27):
Literally.
Speaker 1 (23:28):
And I go.
I can't because I don't havethe tools in my toolbox as a
teacher.
That you do as a parent, right,but they're going to have a
teacher that has rules, whodoesn't look at your child like
the center of their universebecause they're not, because
they have 30 other children inthat classroom.
Speaker 3 (23:45):
We don't, but yes.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
But eventually.
Yeah, I know, I mean it happens, right, right, eventually
they're going to be at a job andthat boss is not going to look
at them the way that you look atthem when I talk, because they
have 300 other employees when Italk to other moms, I always
think, especially if they'remoms of boys I go, you're gonna
have a daughter-in-law one day,and god forbid that
(24:07):
daughter-in-law.
Speaker 3 (24:07):
Look at you and go are you kidding me?
Like?
This is what you did, right,like um, but think about it.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
Why do we got 30 year olds living in basements
playing video games Like?
Why do we got 35 year olds?
Why is failure to launch athing?
Speaker 3 (24:21):
That's how you raised them and make no mistake, like
as a mom I would absolutely love.
I love babying my kids.
I love doing stuff for them.
You always said I always madethem too comfortable.
You did With their littleblankies?
Speaker 1 (24:33):
Way too comfortable.
And look at him now.
I got a 17-year-old who alwayshas to have a blankie.
Speaker 3 (24:39):
He does always have a blankie.
Speaker 1 (24:43):
But he can also function.
Yes, he can, he can no.
Speaker 3 (24:46):
I can send him out and go hey, go, do this, this,
this and this.
But again the big thing is hecan know he's at home and safe.
And, and the big thing is, hecan know he's at home and safe
and he can know at home, mommy'sgoing to do these things.
Speaker 1 (24:56):
Right.
Speaker 3 (24:56):
But he also knows when you have to go do like go
handle stuff.
You need to go handle stuffLike.
He knows that.
Speaker 1 (25:03):
Right.
Speaker 3 (25:12):
But and like I was saying, like we have always,
looked at this and went no oneloves you the way that I do and
you're going to go one day.
Yeah, and as much as that maypain me, I think I think a lot
of times as parents we take ourpersonal feelings and then we
project them on our kids, notjust from like our childhood and
stuff, but like, oh, that's mybaby, that is your baby, that is
going to go.
Like the whole goal is for themto go and then they can come
(25:32):
back and visit.
Become productive members ofsociety is for them to go, and
then?
they can come back and visitmembers of society, and they
come back and visit right withtheir spouse, their kids,
whatever the case might be, um,and then they go back out to
their home like not be a 30, 35year old right in a basement
playing video games, because younever told them no or you
thought everything they did wascute, or they were 15, 16, 17,
(25:54):
with five-year-old behavior andyou were like it's okay, buddy,
or you didn't want to again haveyour children relive the trauma
of your childhood you don'twant them to not like you hey,
look, I get it.
Speaker 1 (26:06):
You know your, your mom, your dad, they may have
went overboard with discipline,sure, okay, you may have
genuinely been abused you mayhave scars.
Those things happened right,and I'm not saying that that was
correct and that's what youshould do, um but on the same
hand right you got to dosomething, because a child will
always push you as far as theycan push you.
(26:27):
Always I think about, but thinkabout it any person will always
push you as far as they canpush you In relationships,
marriage, yeah.
They will push you until you go.
Uh-uh, that's it.
Here is.
Speaker 3 (26:41):
Here's the line.
Speaker 1 (26:42):
And that's what I'm saying the more clear you can
make your standards, the morespecific you can make your
standards, the more clear.
Speaker 3 (26:51):
Specific direct instruction.
Speaker 1 (26:52):
The more clear you can go hey, here is the
consequence for infractions,right the more you can do all of
that.
Speaker 3 (27:00):
And I think, if you start from a place of I love my
child enough to correct them allof this.
It should all be based in love,but I don't think it always is
it's sometimes it's based on umfear.
Speaker 1 (27:12):
It's based uh based on like anxiety, but that's why,
if you really go back and youcan go back and pay attention
and listen, we didn't use theword punish.
Speaker 3 (27:21):
No.
Because discipline is done outof love to correct Right, punish
is done out of anger to hurt,Right, you should never ever
ever, if you're angry and you'relike I'm going to wring their
neck you better calm down, calmdown even you might even have to
go.
It's gonna take a couple hours,yeah, and tell your kid we're
gonna come back to this after Ihave calmed down.
We've had those conversationswith the kids.
I'm not.
(27:41):
I can't deal with this rightnow because I'm angry, yeah, so
I need to step back for a secondand I shouldn't react out of
that right.
And then I mean I, I've alwaysrespected your goal your goal
should never be to hurt, right,right ever.
You're like when the kid'srunning out in the middle of the
road.
You didn't grab them and spanktheir bottom to hurt them.
It was, hey, quick, a quick,swift correction to go.
(28:02):
Hey, that's gonna hurt you moreand we can.
Speaker 1 (28:05):
We can do.
If you guys want to hear aepisode on spanking, I can do a
whole episode on spanking.
All right, because the goal ofspanking is never again to hurt
the child.
It's not the physical aspect ofit right the goal is to get
their attention quickly right.
Speaker 3 (28:25):
That's the goal if you're sitting there just
beating on them, you have aproblem.
Speaker 1 (28:30):
Yeah, there's something wrong with you you
need to go to jail righthonestly, and I think we're way
too lenient with with child ohyeah you know abuse and all and
all of that.
The bible is much harder on youknow.
Jesus literally says if youhurt a child, it would be better
for you to tie a millstonearound your neck and throw
yourself in the sea and it wasfunny because we went to the
bible museum and I saw what amillstone was.
Speaker 3 (28:52):
For whatever reason, I just thought a millstone was
and then I saw it.
Speaker 1 (28:56):
I went yeah, no, that's what he was used to crush
grain.
Yeah, yeah I was like okay yeah, throw an anchor on yourself,
throw yourself in the sea, likeso please don't misunderstand
anything I'm saying about likeas far as stuff like that goes.
But the biggest things are isto realize the reason you
discipline is because noteveryone is going to love your
child the way you do.
Speaker 3 (29:17):
Right and you want them to have a life that they're
thriving and they're doing welland they can look back and be
like ah, thank God, my mom anddad didn't let me get away with
this or that.
Speaker 1 (29:27):
Right, but as a parent, you will put up with
stuff.
Yeah.
Because it's your kid.
Speaker 3 (29:32):
Right, that other people will not put up with.
And we tell our kids, like totheir faces, no one else is
going to deal with this.
Like this is not okay.
Right, I mean through tears andall they've made.
Speaker 1 (29:44):
So so I'm just going to like, real quick, you know,
get this.
I want to put this back outright Step one.
Have clear standards out rightstep one.
Have clear standards where yourstandards come from matter.
Set rules, set boundaries andbe clear about them.
All right, don't be ambiguouswith oh, never get in trouble.
Well, I mean, there's obviouslya difference between you, know
(30:08):
I?
I got an email from your parent, you got suspended right from
school.
Right number two have clear umconsequences for violations of
those standards.
Right, you know, sit here andagain.
There is a difference betweenyou, know, you chewing gum in
(30:28):
class.
Well, I'm trying to giveexamples other than just in
school, right?
Oh, we just see so much of itin school, right, but I'm you to
give examples other than justin school right, oh, we just see
so much of it in school right,but I'm.
Speaker 3 (30:37):
You know there's a difference between you, know you
rode your bike three streetsover, when you were only
supposed to say two streets overright and you left the city
right you know so.
Speaker 1 (30:49):
so, number one have a standard.
Number two have clearconsequences for infractions of
those standards.
Number three um, again, makesure that you follow through on
those infractions.
Okay, If they're grounded for aweek, they are grounded for a
week.
If, if, if electronics are gonefor a month, they need to be
(31:09):
gone for a month.
And it might inconvenience you,but it will probably
inconvenience you, yeah, but youhave to because what you're
doing understand.
You're always teaching as aparent it's like cognitive
behavior therapy without evenrealizing, you're always you're
always teaching as a parent, andif, if, if you're sitting here
going, hey, you lost this for amonth, and then they're getting
it back after three or four days, you are still teaching.
(31:32):
What you're teaching, though,is that consequences don't
matter, right?
So when they are older and theyare out on their own and they
come up against, they broke thelaw, they got arrested, they got
, you know, they got.
They were late to their job,and their boss was like hey, if
you're late again, you knowwe're gonna fire you right and
they're late again, and thenthey're late again, because
(31:53):
consequences don't matter,because mom and dad used to tell
me all the time like right.
Speaker 3 (31:57):
My parents didn't stick to it.
Right and they love me.
Speaker 1 (31:59):
Right.
So now they're late again andnow your kids live in in a box
on the side of the road becauseyou taught them that
consequences don't matter andthat's going to hurt much more
than a correction right now.
Right, a little correctionright now, and that's something
my dad used to always tell me,right, little little kids,
little problems, big kids, bigproblems.
(32:21):
Right, you know, a littlecorrection here is going to save
them, a big correction later.
Right.
So we set the standard, we haveclear consequences, we stand by
it and we work together.
Right, right.
Speaker 3 (32:36):
Be on the same page, on the same page, even, even and
I do go back to school, buteven like working with your
kid's teacher be on the samepage.
You know I can partner withthem I can talk to a kid and go.
Well, I talked to your mom andshe already told me that blah,
blah, blah.
And there I'm telling you, thekids are like you.
Talked to my mom.
Speaker 1 (32:52):
Yes, partner with them?
Yes, absolutely I'll tell youright now, as a teacher, I would
much rather us partner together.
Yes.
Because I see things that youdon't see, right, because I'm
with your kid literally all day,every day, right?
You know, and let's be honest,my kids act different when
they're not in front of me.
Speaker 3 (33:10):
And I'm grateful for the teachers that were like hey,
just to let you know I saw thisand this and, or came to me and
worked with me.
Like it made life so mucheasier.
Speaker 1 (33:19):
Right, and if everybody's goal is the
betterment of the child, yeah,guess what?
Speaker 3 (33:23):
Stop getting so butthurt when you're.
When somebody says somethingabout your kid, right Go is what
they're saying, true.
Speaker 1 (33:29):
No.
Yes.
What I'm saying is no, I wasgonna go overboard with it
because I it's just one of mypet peeves, right?
Um, and it's a differentepisode, but like, understand
your child wouldn't do that.
Understand your child is notperfect, right they're?
Speaker 3 (33:46):
not.
I think it as a parent, ithelps me love them better when I
go.
Yeah, and that's why I stoppedmyself, because you're right.
Speaker 1 (33:54):
Um, it's just one of my, one of my, you know gotcha.
So, other than that, like Ithink that that should end this
episode yeah, I think it wasgood all right, so until next
episode.
We love you.
We thank you.
We can't do this without youshare.
Please help us out and share,like that's the biggest thing
(34:15):
you can do.
You can always follow us onsocial media, just look up.
Speaker 3 (34:21):
Mission sent, just mission sent on Facebook, and
then it's mission sent onInstagram.
Speaker 1 (34:27):
Yeah, because I don't get on social media yeah.
Speaker 3 (34:29):
It's easy, it's really easy.
Speaker 1 (34:30):
There's another episode, right.
Speaker 3 (34:31):
That's a whole other episode.
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