April 10, 2025 • 36 mins
A Florida charter captain's viral meltdown (Brock Horner) serves as the perfect backdrop for our most powerful discussion yet on the critical virtue of self-control. When this captain boarded another man's boat in a fit of rage, he didn't just create a social media sensation – he lost his reputation, business, and possibly his freedom in mere minutes. Sound familiar? It should, because the same explosive pattern ruins marriages, families, and careers every day.
Self-control isn't about suppressing your emotions or pretending they don't exist. As we explore through biblical wisdom and practical psychology, it's about experiencing your feelings without being controlled by them. "Let go of what you feel, hold on to what is real" becomes our guiding philosophy as we dissect what happens when emotions hijack our responses.
The consequences of losing control extend far beyond the moment. Children growing up in environments where adults regularly erupt learn to normalize chaos, becoming uncomfortable with peace and stability. Marriages deteriorate when pride prevents self-regulation during disagreements. But there's hope! We share actionable techniques for developing self-control: deep breathing exercises, counting before responding, finding physical outlets, and prayer – creating that crucial space between stimulus and response where wisdom can enter.
Jesus provides our ultimate example of self-control. While being crucified after hours of torture, He responded with "Father, forgive them" rather than retaliation. If you're ready to break cycles of emotional reactivity in your life, marriage, or parenting, this episode offers the perspective shift and practical tools you need. Subscribe, share with someone who needs this message, and leave us a review to help others find their way to stronger self-control. #loveisaverb @selfcontrol #Jesus #Jesuschanges #brock #floridacharter
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Episode Transcript
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Josh (00:00):
on this episode of Faith, family and Fishing.
Now we got a doozy, becausethis one's going to cover Faith,
family and Fishing.
Debbie (00:08):
Is it?
How is it going to?
Oh, okay, I think I can.
Josh (00:11):
Let's get into it All right.
Hello and welcome back.
Thank you guys.
So much for tuning in.
If this is your first timetuning in, thank you.
(00:31):
If this isn't, your first timetuning in.
Share this with a friend.
Help us out.
Subscribe on Apple podcast.
Leave reviews.
I just found out recently thatthat's a big thing.
Reviews yeah, leave a review.
Like wherever you're listeningto the podcast, as long as it's
not on our website, you shouldbe able to leave a review Right,
and that'll really, reallyreally help us out.
(00:52):
A good review, a five-starreview.
Debbie (00:55):
Five-star review.
Josh (00:58):
Anyway, like you heard in the intro, this one is going to
be a doozy.
There's a lot for us to getinto, there's a lot to unpack,
um, but we're still in ourhow-to series, right, how to be
married.
So, you know, a month ago wedid how, uh, how to be angry,
(01:18):
how to deal with anger, right,which this will tie into that
okay uh, last week we did humor,right, you?
You got to be able to laugh,that's right.
We did the farting in bed.
This week we're going to lookat how to have self-control and
this is going to extend a littlefurther than just marriage
right Now.
(01:40):
I said we were going to getinto faith, family and fishing.
I said we were going to getinto faith, family and fishing.
So if you have not heard whichI mean, it is on every major
news thing I've seen, right herein Florida, right here in our
own backyard, we had a chartercaptain.
Debbie (01:59):
Ah yes, A charter captain His name's Brock.
Homer Homer.
Josh (02:03):
Horner.
Debbie (02:03):
Horner.
Josh (02:05):
Oh, my bad.
He is now infamous and not in agood way For boarding a 21,
22-year-old, something like that.
His boat, His name's Gagesomething I don't want to Gage
Towles, I think.
Debbie (02:21):
I'm not sure.
Josh (02:23):
And I don't know everything about this.
I really don't know everythingabout this.
I really don't, you know.
I know what I've seen on theinternet and and what I've read
in.
Uh, some of the fishingcommunities that I am involved
with um congratulations onwinning your uh, that's right.
First professional angler.
I am now a professional angler,that's right right.
Debbie (02:42):
By the way, yes, yes, so so proud.
Josh (02:45):
If you are listening and you are at Bass Pro Shops, I
have won a local competitiontournament.
Debbie (02:51):
He's looking for sponsors For whiting in Pompano
Winner winner.
Josh (02:56):
I'm looking for sponsors.
Debbie (02:58):
All right, moving on.
Josh (02:59):
Debbie is getting tired of sponsoring my fishing habit.
We need to turn it into acareer.
Is getting tired of sponsoringmy fishing habit.
We need to turn it into acareer, anyway.
So apparently this chartercaptain was driving fast through
under a bridge, out of themarked channel where there were
people fishing and I guess theydidn't have their lights on when
(03:20):
they were fishing.
Obviously it was probably darkout.
A couple days later is ispulling up on this boat.
Uh, this young man is outfishing on and I mean, just lays
into him with just likeobscenity obscenities yeah with
obscene language or oh yeah, itwas, it was bad yeah um
(03:42):
very colorful threatening themum, you know, all of this other
stuff.
I mean it was bad.
I Very colorful words.
Threatening him, you know allof this other stuff.
I mean it was bad.
I'm not even going to play itbecause we're not like that, but
anyway, winds up, as this youngman is, I guess, not bowing to
his concession Right, winds uppulling his boat up next to this
(04:08):
young man's boat and climbs onthe dude's boat, literally jumps
on the boat and starts chasinghim around starts chasing him
around the boat and and all ofthis and
and when I first saw the video,me and you were talking about it
and I was like, man, that'sthis charge and this charge and
this charge you know from beingin law enforcement right, not to
mention okay, something thatthat I think gets overlooked is,
at that point, especially herein florida, where we have the
(04:30):
castle doctrine, you do not havea duty to retreat right.
Had this man jumped on thewrong person's boat, they could
have legally shot and killedthem yep, and there are plenty
of people that carry on theirboat.
Debbie (04:43):
You know you jump on the wrong boat and you you're
having a funeral and you're nothaving a trial.
Josh (04:47):
Right and and and.
Like I said that, that is thecontext of what we were
discussing all of this in,because my first reaction was I
have a 17 year old.
Debbie (04:58):
Right.
Josh (04:58):
That if he ever gets, you know, motivated, he ever stops
being lazy and he goes and takeshis boat or safety course.
Who?
He can go take the boat out whocould have been that 21, 22
year?
Old.
Debbie (05:10):
Right.
Josh (05:11):
So I went home and I'm like hey boy what would you do
in a situation like this?
Yep, you know, because again,that's not how I remembered the
water being right, Like growingup, like even when we first
started dating.
So we're going back 25 yearsago.
Now, 26 years ago, someone no25, 25.
Debbie (05:33):
Um hold on how old am I?
Josh (05:34):
Yeah Right, um, you know when, when I used to take you
out on dates on the boat, youknow you'd be like, you know
you'd be like, oh man, peopleout here are just so, so
friendly.
Everybody was waving hello, youknow, and that was the
community I remembered and Iwill say it is not the same
community out there anymore umyou know now aggressive and
(05:56):
people are rude and you could befishing and people are just
flying right by you, throwingall kind of weight scaring all
the fish like throwing theirtrash in the water and and, and
and I go and that that's a wholedifferent thing we can get into
rightbut one of the things that I
would have never imagined wassomeone something like that,
that mad and boarding someoneelse's boat, and ultimately,
(06:20):
what you saw, because everybodyyou know, hey, you don't know
the whole story and, and you'reright, I don't Right and and
therefore, like this isn't up tome to decide Right, what I am
saying is based off of the, thefootage that was posted online,
what you saw, cause everyone'slike you know, we're all
entitled to a bad day.
Sure, and that is a hundredpercent correct.
Debbie (06:41):
Sure, and that is 100% correct, and that may have been
his worst day.
Josh (06:44):
All of us have words that we wish we didn't say, and we
all have actions we wish wedidn't do, and it was just the
culmination on that day.
But on the same hand, where wasany type of self-control on
that?
Debbie (07:02):
And there were other people on the boat, with the
gentleman that jumped on theboat.
Josh (07:06):
Right.
And when I say self-control,because that's really what we're
going to dig into, right Mostpeople, when we talk
self-control and we're talkingfruits of the spirit, right,
galatians five, where, where youknow love, joy, peace, patience
kindness love, joy, peace,patience, kindness, goodness,
faithfulness, gentleness andself-control.
(07:28):
When we're looking at thatself-control aspect, most people
think that that we're lookingat this in relation to what we
do, like you know, having theself-control to not right
actually what paul's thrust withthat is, though, with that word
, self-control isn't likebehavior modification.
Self-control it's being incontrol of your emotion.
Debbie (07:53):
Right.
Where you don't even getescalated to that level.
Josh (07:57):
No, no, no, no, Like.
So if we tie that into likeEphesians four, right, be angry
and send not Okay, it's not thatyou're not escalated, it's not
that you're not escalated, it'snot that you're not like I get,
I get what's the word?
not condemned, but like umchastised because people are
like well, you, especially you,um, the kids, other people like
(08:23):
like I don't have any emotionand I go.
It's not that I don't haveemotion, I feel just as deeply
as anyone else.
I just am not controlled bywhat I feel, and that's really
what he's talking about.
Not that you don't feel, notthat you don't get very angry
(08:47):
feel, not that you don't getvery angry.
It's yeah.
Can you get that angry andstill be in control and not just
react out of that emotion?
Like, can you be sad and andstill be in control and not just
react out of that sadness?
okay now, obviously, for most,when we talk about overreacting,
we're not talking abouthappiness Like I've never heard
(09:09):
anyone go.
Hey, you've been too happy,right?
I mean, you have heard.
Debbie (09:14):
Well, I have been accused of being too peppy
before.
Josh (09:17):
No, no, no, Too peppy before.
Debbie (09:19):
I wake up.
Miserable people, I wasn't eventalking about you.
Yes, you were.
Josh (09:22):
You looked right at me Too , peppy, before I'm awake.
That's different, right.
I'm not like sitting here going.
Hey, you're too happy.
Right.
Bring that down, Put somemisery into your life.
As much as like most people,when we think of overreaction,
we think of anger right.
I overreacted, I'm sorry, right, think of overreaction.
(09:45):
We think of anger.
Right, I overreacted, I'm sorry, right, right.
And it's after you've calmeddown.
You can, nine times out of ten,look back and go.
That really didn't match whatright?
what the situation was callingfor right over overshot there
and that's really what we see inthis captain right like I bet,
yeah, you show him that video.
I.
I bet he's probably embarrassed.
(10:06):
He's sitting here and going Ican't believe I did that.
Debbie (10:08):
Yep, I can't believe I got that mad yep but, he, that
was stupid of me he sat andwhatever he had going on long
enough to let it fester and grow, and he didn't.
Josh (10:17):
I hate that word what's what word fester it just?
All I can think of is like pus,that's that's what I'm thinking
of an infection like you justlet it fester it.
Debbie (10:25):
Just all I can think of is, like pus, that's.
That's what I'm thinking of aninfection like you just let it
fester and grow and it bubbledup and it literally you, it
erupted figuratively andliterally because you had no
self-control and that's reallywhat it is he could have been
ticked off.
You're.
(10:45):
It's okay to be ticked off.
I even tell the kids that youknow in school it's okay to feel
what you're feeling.
You just can't live there likeyou can't that, can't own, you
can't be who you are.
Josh (10:56):
Feel that, get upset well, and that's what I'm saying,
because I know I catch a lot offlack on my view of emotions
because, honestly, like I hateemotion, like I hate.
Debbie (11:09):
I mean, that's a strong word to say you hate emotion.
I mean God made emotions.
Josh (11:13):
I understand that, I understand that and that's kind
of what we're going to go into,right, but I yeah, I stand by
what I say, like I hateemotional emotionalism.
Debbie (11:23):
I think you hate when people live through emotions.
Right Not necessarily that Godmade emotions and you hate what
he made.
Josh (11:32):
No, You're sitting here going.
Debbie (11:33):
I hate that people take it.
And then just this is who I am.
I am sadness, I am happiness, Iam.
Josh (11:40):
Well, you become very unstable in your emotion.
Debbie (11:43):
Right, you're up down, down up down and it's like okay,
am I dealing with happy josh orsad josh, or mad josh or not
you?
Josh (11:52):
but I'm just saying yeah, you were talking about me and
I'm dealing with pretty monotonejosh.
You got two joshes right.
You got happy josh mad josh,that's it right and I go people
know what they get when they'redealing with you but I go when I
say when I, when I, when I sayI hate emotion.
God gave us emotion.
Yes, to live life through youhave to experience like, like
(12:14):
God is emotional.
Jesus felt compassion, jesusfelt anger, jesus felt Right,
you know, sadness.
He felt all these things but yetwas not dictated by any of them
right and and so when I see,like, especially now in our
culture, when, when we talkabout emotions, it's kind of
(12:37):
just like take the lid off, leteverything go wild and and that
becomes your reality and yourtruth.
Debbie (12:43):
Right right.
Josh (12:49):
You know I feel, and when you start a sentence with I feel
, you got to be very carefulbecause your feelings being you
know I go think about this likescientists don't even know where
feelings come from or what theyare.
Debbie (13:00):
Well, it makes me think of, like you said, scripture
says be angry and sin not.
And it makes me think of James,where it says the heart's
wicked and deceitful above allthings.
Josh (13:10):
That's not James.
Debbie (13:12):
That's Jeremiah 79.
You looked at me like, nope, mybad James is be angry and sin,
not Nope, what the heck ishappening right now in my life?
Josh (13:22):
Why don't you just leave the Bible stuff to me?
Yes, Jeremiah 79.
Your heart is wicked and dece.
What the heck is happeningright now in my life?
Why don't you?
Just leave the Bible stuff tome.
Yes, Jeremiah 79.
Your heart is wicked anddeceitful, above all things
Right Now.
When we see the heart inscripture, they're not talking
about the muscle inside yourchest.
Debbie (13:35):
Or inside your physical heart.
Josh (13:36):
They're talking about that thing inside of you that causes
Because, like I just said, likescientists don't even know
where our emotions come from.
They don't know where they, youknow, they generate.
Debbie (13:48):
There's not, they can go .
Oh, it's from there, that part.
Josh (13:50):
Right, like and and even like some of them, yeah, like
anger.
We know the adrenal glands playa role in that, but we don't
understand.
Debbie (13:58):
You can actually drain your adrenal glands and
completely wear them out withbeing overly angry.
Josh (14:06):
The more you know, because I was in the middle of talking.
I didn't expect you to justlike cut me off for a science
lesson.
Debbie (14:18):
I'm sorry.
But, anyway, I just wanted toget that out.
Josh (14:23):
Obviously Self-control, debbie Self-control.
Debbie (14:26):
Debbie Self-control.
Josh (14:29):
Let's act like you've had a conversation before.
Debbie (14:31):
I know I'm sorry.
Josh (14:32):
But what we see is in emotionalism is we see this
explosion of just I feel.
And again, feelings andemotions are neither right nor
wrong, they just are.
Debbie (14:47):
It's what you do with that?
Josh (14:49):
that that dictates what's right and wrong right right like
I feel a lot of differentthings and and the hard thing is
when you're basing everythingoff of what you feel what's
going to happen in the next?
Debbie (14:59):
when you don't feel like that.
I mean today I went from.
I had a barrage of emotionstoday.
I didn't react to any of them.
I've learned over the course ofmany years to kind of let them
simmer and I sat with them.
Josh (15:17):
The correct terminology is push that down, bottle that up.
Debbie (15:21):
I let some time pass and I went okay, all right, what am
I really upset about?
Yeah, so I had to processthrough my feelings and then
went okay, all right, what am Ireally upset about?
Yeah, so I had to processthrough my feelings and then go
okay, it's not as big as butthat's what emotionalism does,
is?
Josh (15:34):
it forces you to focus on the symptom, not the problem,
right?
And so you're never actuallyfixing what is wrong, right, as
much as you're just trying tolike manage the symptoms of it,
right, and what happens is like,just look at marriage
counseling, right, you know,couples come in normally because
(15:56):
of symptoms, right?
We, you know, we just argue allthe time, or, you know, I feel
like we're just different people.
We we're drifting apart likeall of these things, like you're
.
You're worrying about thesymptom of that issue that came
from.
Somewhere instead of diggingdeeper and going okay what is
causing this right.
It started somewhere right likeit would be like if you got a.
(16:16):
You know, and all I can everthink of is that episode of
spongebob which one where hegets the splinter in his thumb
and then they like cover it withgarbage and all of this and it
causes this huge infection andit winds up exploding at the end
.
Debbie (16:30):
Yeah, it festers, it festered um yes, and then it
erupted and that's what normallyhappens, is we have these,
these things, these real thingsthat cause damage, that were
never dealt with and and overtime, they just build up right
and and then something smallhappens and then the next thing,
(16:51):
you know, you're having thismacro reaction to this micro
situation and it's like whoa, Ijust I spilt a little bit of
milk.
Josh (17:01):
I didn't think it was and, and that's what we saw, you see
, that in the home but that'swhat we saw with this charter
video right he wasn't really madat that guy about well I'm sure
he was, he was probably mad,but I go that there's no, no
right like you can't with normaleyes go oh yeah
sure I could see why he wouldjump on another human being's
(17:21):
boat, chase him around his ownboat and well, even if you
demand an apology, even if youthink about it legally right,
right, we have crimes of passion.
Debbie (17:29):
Yes.
Josh (17:29):
Okay, like you know, you walk in your wife's cheating on
you, you wind up.
You know killing this person.
Debbie (17:36):
Like Shelton Old Red.
Josh (17:39):
You know there is a criminal defense to go hey, this
was a crime of passion, right,and therefore it is a lower
charge because that's howpowerful that can be, right?
And and when we see that youknow self control, what Paul is
saying is hey, stop, take aminute right, process through
(18:00):
what you're going through andthen react.
Debbie (18:03):
If you need to.
You may not even need to reactand then react If you need to
you may not even need to reactRight, not everything needs to
have a reaction.
Josh (18:09):
Right, like this charter guy.
Debbie (18:10):
he just lost, you know, presumably you know, three
quarters of a million dollars ayear.
Josh (18:14):
Well, even if we but even if we go beyond that right.
You know you.
You lost your reputation, youlost you know, he'll more than
likely lose his license, sure,even if it's just a suspension
or something of that nature?
Um, he may be facing, you know,some jail time, so you're gonna
lose your freedom, right?
Like you're gonna lose all ofthis and you for what?
You could have just kept goingand hit the dock and and just
(18:37):
moved on home.
Debbie (18:38):
Yeah, you know, and that's what winds up happening
well then there's a dominoeffect, like whether it's in the
home or the other gentlementhat were with him.
They're all starting to seeconsequences for their buddy's
actions.
Right, like some of them arelosing their businesses, some of
them are being blasted on, youknow, because everyone likes to
blast on social media.
Josh (18:57):
They're blasting on social media, so if you're gonna blast
on social media, blast faith,family fishing I was gonna say
that.
Debbie (19:08):
But even like, if you think about a situation, like
you think about homes, you knowmom or dad comes home, some
they're almost, they're upset,they're frustrated and something
they have all this is all thisin them and then something small
happens with the kids and thenthere's this big explosion the
child's full of emotion, crying.
You know the spouse is likehold on, what's going on.
(19:30):
And then later on then you havesorrow, regret, shame, guilt.
You've hurt your childemotionally.
You know your spouse is dealingwith the repercussions of it.
For what?
Because you couldn't be a bigboy or big girl and just breathe
through it.
You couldn't be a big boy orbig girl and just breathe
through it.
I think, being in education, Isee things a little bit
(19:54):
differently when it comes tostuff like that, because after a
pattern of a while, a while ofthat happening, eventually kids
start growing numb to it, likeyou know what I mean Like
marital issues start slowlyarising.
Josh (20:09):
Of course, you are a product of your environment.
Debbie (20:13):
You're teaching your daughters how to deal with it.
You take people who grow up inchaos that becomes normal.
Josh (20:18):
Chaos becomes normal to them.
And when it's not chaotic, allof a sudden they feel uneasy.
They're waiting for somethingto explode right, I can't have
this like where it's just be atpeace, normal right yeah, and
and so you know there is thatsense of it, but I go.
(20:39):
But again, this self-controlthing is is sitting here going,
hey, I feel, but what I know andand I say this all the time
right, let go of what you feel,hold on to what is real.
You know what?
What is real, what is truth,what is like?
What is it like?
You know me and you get into anargument or something me and
you aren't seeing eye to eye onsomething, right like I sit here
(21:00):
and go.
Is this worth?
right this argument?
Is this worth spending the nextyou know day, the next day, the
next two days, the next threedays?
Whatever, not talking to eachother or very minimal talking to
each other, and the older I'vegotten, the smaller my list of
is this worth it?
(21:21):
Because most of the stuff youlook at really in the grand
scheme of life, is that reallyworth?
It.
Is it really that worth it forme to show that I'm right?
Debbie (21:31):
Right.
You know and and some of that'spride too.
I mean a lot of pride.
Some of what we saw in thatvideo is pride.
Who, who do you think you are?
Josh (21:39):
Tell me you know how dare you talk to me like that, right,
but, but again, we do the samethings in our marriages.
You know how many marriageshave I, you know, seen where
where one person or the other,their pride, their ego, got a
little hurt and instead ofhaving that humility and going,
(22:00):
hey, like I was wrong and let'smove on from this.
I need to change this.
Mm-hmm.
It turns into let's dig ourheels in.
Mm-hmm.
And I'm going to go to the wallon this one, mm-hmm.
And then, next thing you know,you have a dissolution to
marriage.
And for what?
(22:20):
Right.
You know, and then you throwkids in on top of that Again,
life is completely an at all.
These people you affected,right, because you couldn't keep
control of it, right?
You know, the hulk is myfavorite comic book character by
far, like not even close right.
So much so that we named our doghulk, for us his soul and I go,
(22:43):
and it's because of that, it'sbecause I know what that feels
like that just be pent up andrage filled, and sitting here
and going like I want a place toput this, and that's really
what what's winding up happeningis is you're you're letting
this you're carrying all of itand eventually that pressure, it
has to have somewhere to go yesand then next thing, you know
(23:07):
it's going towards, know it'sgoing towards your spouse, it's
going towards your kids, thevery people it shouldn't go
towards.
The cable company.
You know the person who lookedat you wrong, the little snide
comment that you would have beenable to ignore any other day,
right?
So I go.
When we look at this wholeself-control thing, yeah, it is
a huge issue because a lot of itstems from not just that moment
(23:30):
, but beforehand.
Debbie (23:31):
Right.
Josh (23:33):
You know, what are you still holding on to?
What are you still like hidingdeep down in your heart, what is
still like affecting you thatmuch that it's controlling your
day to day?
Now, right, because, understand, until you deal with that,
you're not going to move forwardfrom that.
Right, you're going to stay inthat position and you're going
to stay wherever you are.
Debbie (23:51):
And at that point it becomes a choice to live like
that and it's a choice to get,whatever the consequences are,
like.
It's almost like you get to aplace where I know I've seen
people where they almost thrivein that chaos because they're
just so used to it.
Josh (24:08):
No, I wouldn't use the word thrive.
They survive in that chaos.
I wouldn't say they thrive.
Thriving is a good thing, Deb,and in that kind of situation
it's impossible to be thriving.
Debbie (24:24):
I used the wrong word.
Josh (24:26):
Well, I understand that, but I'm just saying like yeah
you know and and I go it's, areyou okay?
What time is it?
It is 4 36 what I told youyesterday same time, every day
yep and I go.
It's sitting here going.
Debbie (24:47):
Josh has had the same pain at the same time every day
for the past few days.
So if anybody has any ideas orthoughts, let us know.
Josh (24:55):
It's sitting here going.
How much do you want to movepast where you are?
Right now self-control issitting here, going, yeah, I
feel this or I feel that, butbefore I react, here's what I'm
going to do, and there's a lotof different techniques for this
(25:15):
.
Debbie (25:16):
Oh yeah.
Josh (25:16):
You know, if you've ever spent time in counseling one of
them.
Breathing techniques right,breathe from the belly.
Debbie (25:24):
Yes, hold it to your belly Deep breaths in your nose.
Josh (25:27):
Hold it for you know, five seconds and then out your mouth
Slow, consistent breaths.
Debbie (25:34):
Yes.
Josh (25:34):
You will calm your body down, your heart rate will
decrease, your blood pressurewill come down, all of those
things all right.
So you, you get into thatmoment where you're ready and
it's like, okay, hold on, let mebreathe.
Debbie (25:46):
something just as simple as that will calm your levels
down and if that's not workingcount um I tell, I tell them
count before you respond.
Count to three, five.
Josh (25:58):
Gather your thoughts together but again, if that
doesn't work, take a pillow, putit over your face and scream
again it's got to come out.
Debbie (26:09):
I think people don't always think about stuff like
that because they think theyhave to hold it in.
They don't realize you can letit out.
It just needs to be let out ina safe and healthy way.
That's why some people doboxing.
You know, mma, weightliftingrunning fishing, fishing.
Josh (26:26):
I don't know why that wasn't the first one swimming.
Debbie (26:29):
There are things you can do to go.
Josh (26:30):
Okay, I need to do something to decompress and and
then you know, that's what I'msaying.
There's all these differentavenues.
We like the destructive ones,though, right, we like the.
Oh, let me drink, let me smoke,let me you know how about stop
and pray for a minute?
Why that didn't make the topright pray, you know so.
Debbie (26:54):
For me, like when I pray , specifically when I'm going
through stuff like that, I praythat God change my heart,
posture, change the perspectiveI'm looking at things in change.
I oftentimes pray that hechange the situation.
But if he doesn't, you know, Ialways pray that God change me
and do something in my heart,because I can't control anybody
(27:16):
else.
Josh (27:16):
But, again, that's why it's important to to have people
in your life that you can reachout to for prayer, for well, to
talk to prayer and to talk.
That's what I mean.
Yeah, pray, and yeah, you know,hey, like it's hitting me today
, you know, can you pray with me?
Can, can you talk me throughthis?
Because I mean, there's a lotof times, like you know, I have
those guys in my life that youknow not a lot, but I have some
(27:38):
guys in my life that, yeah, whenlike crap's hitting the fan, I
can reach out to, and a lot oftimes we're going to have those
conversations where, all of asudden, it is you know, I didn't
see it that way.
You know, one of the last onesyou know, and I don't want to
call them out, or anything likethat.
(28:01):
You know it of them, one of thelast ones you know, and I don't
want to call him out or anythinglike that.
Um, you know where it was like.
Hey man, I hear what you'resaying, I hear your frustrations
and all that, but I'm going togo ahead and tell you you need
to be very careful that youdon't harden your heart.
Debbie (28:06):
And I love I was.
Josh (28:07):
that's actually what I was going to bring, bring up I love
that you were able to have thatconversation with him, because
he loves you enough to go.
I know your tendencies, I knowI know where this is headed.
Right, right, right and andthat's not healthy.
Right, and especially as achrist follower, and especially
in your position as a pastor.
Debbie (28:26):
Nope, that's the wrong way to look at it and you need
to, like you said, you need tohave those people in your life
that will look you and go nopeyep, and, and that might be your
spouse, but you know you needto have someone else too,
because what happens when yourspouse is the one?
That's taking you to that point, yeah, yeah, and I'll tell you
what in ministry that's reallyreally, really hard um, but, but
(28:52):
I mean, that's what it is,though, right, self-control
right even if you go back to therage verse, reconciliation or
rage to reconciliation?
Josh (29:00):
I forget exactly what the title the one about anger right.
The one about anger um, like Isaid, for me it was, it was
learning to harness that, it waslearning to to like go.
Hey, look like I'm still gonnaget mad but what I?
Debbie (29:18):
do with that anger right , right, and it's to be
productive, right, and I thinkthat's a good thing to point out
, because not everyone knowsthat you were allowed to be mad,
it's just you're allowed to bewith it, and that's my thing,
and I know sometimes I come offcold and heartless with it.
Josh (29:33):
You're allowed to feel whatever you're feeling, right
it's.
Don't let what you're feelingcontrol you.
You be in control, haveself-control.
Debbie (29:44):
Right, that's the whole point.
Josh (29:45):
You know, there are days like and again.
Like you know, when we startlooking at you know things like
bipolar and depression and stufflike that, you that's a whole
nother podcast.
It is another podcast.
But what I want to get at isone of the first things that
they teach you is how torecognize those triggers that
(30:08):
are going to cause somethingright, and then how to cope with
that because sometimes you needto stay away from a situation,
sometimes you can't.
Debbie (30:18):
So, like you said, you need to find ways to cope and go
.
I know I'm going to be in thissituation or around this person
or right, whatever the casemight be.
Josh (30:25):
Just take even adhd right, like I was never medicated for
it, um, but I was given ways tocope with it and ways to deal
with it and in certain aspectsit's a, it is very much a
strength in other aspects it is,it can be very detrimental.
But like I mean, think about it, like it takes a lot to catch
(30:47):
my attention, but, man, when youhave my attention, that's it.
Debbie (30:49):
You have all of my attention, almost overwhelming,
right, you can't handle myundivided attention.
Josh (30:52):
That's pretty much what it's like um.
You can't handle my undividedattention.
That's pretty much what it'slike, and it's sitting here and
going.
Like I said, self-control issitting here, going.
I'm going to be in control ofmyself, I'm not going to react,
I'm not going to just, you know,go crazy and Hulk out and Hulk
smash.
Debbie (31:11):
And do anything based off of anyone else, right?
Because then what you're doingis giving other people control.
Josh (31:17):
Right, and that's the biggest thing.
Like the kids, you know gabbywas, oh, jt picks on me and you
know blah, blah, blah I'm likeand I told her?
Yeah, because you react to ithe gets a rise out of you he, he
in that moment is living rentfree in your brain because he's
controlling all that right rent,right where.
If you can keep that undercontrol right he's gonna get
(31:43):
bored and move on right and Imean he's not doing anything
major.
It's like pinching and poking inthe back seat while we're
driving.
But right you know it's thesame thing, right it's.
Can you control yourself?
Right?
You want a stronger marriage.
Learn self-control.
You know you want bettercommunication with your spouse.
Learn self-control.
Sometimes you want to be abetter you want to be a better
(32:05):
parent.
Debbie (32:05):
Learn self-control sometimes you don't have to make
that last comment.
What I remember?
Josh (32:10):
that depends on who you are well, yeah sure I remember I
will always have to make thatlast comment.
Debbie (32:15):
I was going through a certification for um uh, a youth
life coach, and one of thethings was sometimes you can let
them have the last word yeahyou don't always have to be the
one to say the last and finalthing.
Josh (32:30):
Yeah, that's a pride issue but I go again and and keep in
mind, like for action there isan opposite and equal reaction,
like I'll tell you right now,like one of the worst things you
can do is overreact in asituation, because what if
you're dealing with someone whomeets your reaction and then
goes one level higher?
Debbie (32:51):
Oh, I'm going to take yours and I'm going to raise it
three levels.
Josh (32:53):
That's how things escalate so fast, right, right, you know
, because who?
Debbie (32:58):
do you think you're talking to?
Josh (32:59):
Right.
Debbie (33:00):
Can't talk to me like that.
Josh (33:01):
Right, where you know.
It's like we told you know.
We taught our kids growing upright.
We didn't teach our kids ifsomeone hits, you, hit them back
.
We taught our kids you get awayIf you can't get away and you
have to defend yourself.
100%.
Defend yourself, but yourprimary goal and responsibility
(33:24):
is to get away.
Debbie (33:25):
Right.
Josh (33:26):
And I go and it's the same thing that shows more control.
Debbie (33:30):
Right Than reacting, than just reacting.
Josh (33:32):
Mm-hmm Right.
Debbie (33:35):
You can save your entire family detriment by having
self-control.
Well, just think about it.
Josh (33:43):
Jesus is getting murdered, has just spent the entire night
before being starved, beaten,mocked, all the spit on all the
things, is being nailed to atree, you know, on the cross and
goes father, forgive them, them.
They know not what they doright, that's wild because let
(34:04):
someone like look at yousideways or mention you on
social media and you are readyto just like go to burn their
world down and and yet, jesus,the ultimate picture of
self-control right was like nahfather forgive yep and then
(34:24):
we'll head out yep, and that'swhere why you want to see change
in your life.
Start, start being in control ofyourself.
Starts with you you know paulwould tell us in paul's with.
You know paul would tell us insecond corinthians you know we
defeat every lofty argument thatis raised against us by taking
(34:45):
every thought captive and andagain I had a hard time with
that that's different.
You know, I could go a totallydifferent way, but but
understand it.
That's where it starts righttake your thoughts captive.
Be in control of yourself,right.
You could avoid a lot ofheartache and a lot of misery in
life if you were just incontrol of yourself.
Debbie (35:03):
And a lot of times people don't realize that you
know you have an enemy.
We've talked about that before.
Josh (35:10):
Who is?
Debbie (35:10):
going to push every button he can, and it doesn't
have to be.
I'm going to keep you fromgoing to church.
It could, church, it could.
I'm gonna push every button tomake sure you stay angry, and
then you give that power andcontrol.
Josh (35:22):
Yep, I mean that's, that's a dumb decision yeah, so I hope
we gave you some practical waysto handle that.
Debbie (35:29):
God, this is such a bigger thing that we could oh
yeah I mean, this is just likescratching the surface oh 100.
Josh (35:36):
But you know, hopefully there's some practical ways.
If you want more practical ways, I mean you can reach out
online.
You can reach out um.
You can email info atmissioncentorg.
Um.
You can hit us up on on socialmedia.
Like you know, there's a lot ofother ways to handle all of
this, but but it really doesstart with a choice and and the.
The choice is are you going tobe in control of?
(35:57):
Yourself so until next time, welove you, we thank you bye guys
be in control, and we can't dothis without you.
on this episode of Faith, family and Fishing.
Now we got a doozy, becausethis one's going to cover Faith,
family and Fishing.
Debbie (00:08):
Is it?
How is it going to?
Oh, okay, I think I can.
Josh (00:11):
Let's get into it All right.
Hello and welcome back.
Thank you guys.
So much for tuning in.
If this is your first timetuning in, thank you.
(00:31):
If this isn't, your first timetuning in.
Share this with a friend.
Help us out.
Subscribe on Apple podcast.
Leave reviews.
I just found out recently thatthat's a big thing.
Reviews yeah, leave a review.
Like wherever you're listeningto the podcast, as long as it's
not on our website, you shouldbe able to leave a review Right,
and that'll really, reallyreally help us out.
(00:52):
A good review, a five-starreview.
Debbie (00:55):
Five-star review.
Josh (00:58):
Anyway, like you heard in the intro, this one is going to
be a doozy.
There's a lot for us to getinto, there's a lot to unpack,
um, but we're still in ourhow-to series, right, how to be
married.
So, you know, a month ago wedid how, uh, how to be angry,
(01:18):
how to deal with anger, right,which this will tie into that
okay uh, last week we did humor,right, you?
You got to be able to laugh,that's right.
We did the farting in bed.
This week we're going to lookat how to have self-control and
this is going to extend a littlefurther than just marriage
right Now.
(01:40):
I said we were going to getinto faith, family and fishing.
I said we were going to getinto faith, family and fishing.
So if you have not heard whichI mean, it is on every major
news thing I've seen, right herein Florida, right here in our
own backyard, we had a chartercaptain.
Debbie (01:59):
Ah yes, A charter captain His name's Brock.
Homer Homer.
Josh (02:03):
Horner.
Debbie (02:03):
Horner.
Josh (02:05):
Oh, my bad.
He is now infamous and not in agood way For boarding a 21,
22-year-old, something like that.
His boat, His name's Gagesomething I don't want to Gage
Towles, I think.
Debbie (02:21):
I'm not sure.
Josh (02:23):
And I don't know everything about this.
I really don't know everythingabout this.
I really don't, you know.
I know what I've seen on theinternet and and what I've read
in.
Uh, some of the fishingcommunities that I am involved
with um congratulations onwinning your uh, that's right.
First professional angler.
I am now a professional angler,that's right right.
Debbie (02:42):
By the way, yes, yes, so so proud.
Josh (02:45):
If you are listening and you are at Bass Pro Shops, I
have won a local competitiontournament.
Debbie (02:51):
He's looking for sponsors For whiting in Pompano
Winner winner.
Josh (02:56):
I'm looking for sponsors.
Debbie (02:58):
All right, moving on.
Josh (02:59):
Debbie is getting tired of sponsoring my fishing habit.
We need to turn it into acareer.
Is getting tired of sponsoringmy fishing habit.
We need to turn it into acareer, anyway.
So apparently this chartercaptain was driving fast through
under a bridge, out of themarked channel where there were
people fishing and I guess theydidn't have their lights on when
(03:20):
they were fishing.
Obviously it was probably darkout.
A couple days later is ispulling up on this boat.
Uh, this young man is outfishing on and I mean, just lays
into him with just likeobscenity obscenities yeah with
obscene language or oh yeah, itwas, it was bad yeah um
(03:42):
very colorful threatening themum, you know, all of this other
stuff.
I mean it was bad.
I Very colorful words.
Threatening him, you know allof this other stuff.
I mean it was bad.
I'm not even going to play itbecause we're not like that, but
anyway, winds up, as this youngman is, I guess, not bowing to
his concession Right, winds uppulling his boat up next to this
(04:08):
young man's boat and climbs onthe dude's boat, literally jumps
on the boat and starts chasinghim around starts chasing him
around the boat and and all ofthis and
and when I first saw the video,me and you were talking about it
and I was like, man, that'sthis charge and this charge and
this charge you know from beingin law enforcement right, not to
mention okay, something thatthat I think gets overlooked is,
at that point, especially herein florida, where we have the
(04:30):
castle doctrine, you do not havea duty to retreat right.
Had this man jumped on thewrong person's boat, they could
have legally shot and killedthem yep, and there are plenty
of people that carry on theirboat.
Debbie (04:43):
You know you jump on the wrong boat and you you're
having a funeral and you're nothaving a trial.
Josh (04:47):
Right and and and.
Like I said that, that is thecontext of what we were
discussing all of this in,because my first reaction was I
have a 17 year old.
Debbie (04:58):
Right.
Josh (04:58):
That if he ever gets, you know, motivated, he ever stops
being lazy and he goes and takeshis boat or safety course.
Who?
He can go take the boat out whocould have been that 21, 22
year?
Old.
Debbie (05:10):
Right.
Josh (05:11):
So I went home and I'm like hey boy what would you do
in a situation like this?
Yep, you know, because again,that's not how I remembered the
water being right, Like growingup, like even when we first
started dating.
So we're going back 25 yearsago.
Now, 26 years ago, someone no25, 25.
Debbie (05:33):
Um hold on how old am I?
Josh (05:34):
Yeah Right, um, you know when, when I used to take you
out on dates on the boat, youknow you'd be like, you know
you'd be like, oh man, peopleout here are just so, so
friendly.
Everybody was waving hello, youknow, and that was the
community I remembered and Iwill say it is not the same
community out there anymore umyou know now aggressive and
(05:56):
people are rude and you could befishing and people are just
flying right by you, throwingall kind of weight scaring all
the fish like throwing theirtrash in the water and and, and
and I go and that that's a wholedifferent thing we can get into
rightbut one of the things that I
would have never imagined wassomeone something like that,
that mad and boarding someoneelse's boat, and ultimately,
(06:20):
what you saw, because everybodyyou know, hey, you don't know
the whole story and, and you'reright, I don't Right and and
therefore, like this isn't up tome to decide Right, what I am
saying is based off of the, thefootage that was posted online,
what you saw, cause everyone'slike you know, we're all
entitled to a bad day.
Sure, and that is a hundredpercent correct.
Debbie (06:41):
Sure, and that is 100% correct, and that may have been
his worst day.
Josh (06:44):
All of us have words that we wish we didn't say, and we
all have actions we wish wedidn't do, and it was just the
culmination on that day.
But on the same hand, where wasany type of self-control on
that?
Debbie (07:02):
And there were other people on the boat, with the
gentleman that jumped on theboat.
Josh (07:06):
Right.
And when I say self-control,because that's really what we're
going to dig into, right Mostpeople, when we talk
self-control and we're talkingfruits of the spirit, right,
galatians five, where, where youknow love, joy, peace, patience
kindness love, joy, peace,patience, kindness, goodness,
faithfulness, gentleness andself-control.
(07:28):
When we're looking at thatself-control aspect, most people
think that that we're lookingat this in relation to what we
do, like you know, having theself-control to not right
actually what paul's thrust withthat is, though, with that word
, self-control isn't likebehavior modification.
Self-control it's being incontrol of your emotion.
Debbie (07:53):
Right.
Where you don't even getescalated to that level.
Josh (07:57):
No, no, no, no, Like.
So if we tie that into likeEphesians four, right, be angry
and send not Okay, it's not thatyou're not escalated, it's not
that you're not escalated, it'snot that you're not like I get,
I get what's the word?
not condemned, but like umchastised because people are
like well, you, especially you,um, the kids, other people like
(08:23):
like I don't have any emotionand I go.
It's not that I don't haveemotion, I feel just as deeply
as anyone else.
I just am not controlled bywhat I feel, and that's really
what he's talking about.
Not that you don't feel, notthat you don't get very angry
(08:47):
feel, not that you don't getvery angry.
It's yeah.
Can you get that angry andstill be in control and not just
react out of that emotion?
Like, can you be sad and andstill be in control and not just
react out of that sadness?
okay now, obviously, for most,when we talk about overreacting,
we're not talking abouthappiness Like I've never heard
(09:09):
anyone go.
Hey, you've been too happy,right?
I mean, you have heard.
Debbie (09:14):
Well, I have been accused of being too peppy
before.
Josh (09:17):
No, no, no, Too peppy before.
Debbie (09:19):
I wake up.
Miserable people, I wasn't eventalking about you.
Yes, you were.
Josh (09:22):
You looked right at me Too , peppy, before I'm awake.
That's different, right.
I'm not like sitting here going.
Hey, you're too happy.
Right.
Bring that down, Put somemisery into your life.
As much as like most people,when we think of overreaction,
we think of anger right.
I overreacted, I'm sorry, right, think of overreaction.
(09:45):
We think of anger.
Right, I overreacted, I'm sorry, right, right.
And it's after you've calmeddown.
You can, nine times out of ten,look back and go.
That really didn't match whatright?
what the situation was callingfor right over overshot there
and that's really what we see inthis captain right like I bet,
yeah, you show him that video.
I.
I bet he's probably embarrassed.
(10:06):
He's sitting here and going Ican't believe I did that.
Debbie (10:08):
Yep, I can't believe I got that mad yep but, he, that
was stupid of me he sat andwhatever he had going on long
enough to let it fester and grow, and he didn't.
Josh (10:17):
I hate that word what's what word fester it just?
All I can think of is like pus,that's that's what I'm thinking
of an infection like you justlet it fester it.
Debbie (10:25):
Just all I can think of is, like pus, that's.
That's what I'm thinking of aninfection like you just let it
fester and grow and it bubbledup and it literally you, it
erupted figuratively andliterally because you had no
self-control and that's reallywhat it is he could have been
ticked off.
You're.
(10:45):
It's okay to be ticked off.
I even tell the kids that youknow in school it's okay to feel
what you're feeling.
You just can't live there likeyou can't that, can't own, you
can't be who you are.
Josh (10:56):
Feel that, get upset well, and that's what I'm saying,
because I know I catch a lot offlack on my view of emotions
because, honestly, like I hateemotion, like I hate.
Debbie (11:09):
I mean, that's a strong word to say you hate emotion.
I mean God made emotions.
Josh (11:13):
I understand that, I understand that and that's kind
of what we're going to go into,right, but I yeah, I stand by
what I say, like I hateemotional emotionalism.
Debbie (11:23):
I think you hate when people live through emotions.
Right Not necessarily that Godmade emotions and you hate what
he made.
Josh (11:32):
No, You're sitting here going.
Debbie (11:33):
I hate that people take it.
And then just this is who I am.
I am sadness, I am happiness, Iam.
Josh (11:40):
Well, you become very unstable in your emotion.
Debbie (11:43):
Right, you're up down, down up down and it's like okay,
am I dealing with happy josh orsad josh, or mad josh or not
you?
Josh (11:52):
but I'm just saying yeah, you were talking about me and
I'm dealing with pretty monotonejosh.
You got two joshes right.
You got happy josh mad josh,that's it right and I go people
know what they get when they'redealing with you but I go when I
say when I, when I, when I sayI hate emotion.
God gave us emotion.
Yes, to live life through youhave to experience like, like
(12:14):
God is emotional.
Jesus felt compassion, jesusfelt anger, jesus felt Right,
you know, sadness.
He felt all these things but yetwas not dictated by any of them
right and and so when I see,like, especially now in our
culture, when, when we talkabout emotions, it's kind of
(12:37):
just like take the lid off, leteverything go wild and and that
becomes your reality and yourtruth.
Debbie (12:43):
Right right.
Josh (12:49):
You know I feel, and when you start a sentence with I feel
, you got to be very carefulbecause your feelings being you
know I go think about this likescientists don't even know where
feelings come from or what theyare.
Debbie (13:00):
Well, it makes me think of, like you said, scripture
says be angry and sin not.
And it makes me think of James,where it says the heart's
wicked and deceitful above allthings.
Josh (13:10):
That's not James.
Debbie (13:12):
That's Jeremiah 79.
You looked at me like, nope, mybad James is be angry and sin,
not Nope, what the heck ishappening right now in my life?
Josh (13:22):
Why don't you just leave the Bible stuff to me?
Yes, Jeremiah 79.
Your heart is wicked and dece.
What the heck is happeningright now in my life?
Why don't you?
Just leave the Bible stuff tome.
Yes, Jeremiah 79.
Your heart is wicked anddeceitful, above all things
Right Now.
When we see the heart inscripture, they're not talking
about the muscle inside yourchest.
Debbie (13:35):
Or inside your physical heart.
Josh (13:36):
They're talking about that thing inside of you that causes
Because, like I just said, likescientists don't even know
where our emotions come from.
They don't know where they, youknow, they generate.
Debbie (13:48):
There's not, they can go .
Oh, it's from there, that part.
Josh (13:50):
Right, like and and even like some of them, yeah, like
anger.
We know the adrenal glands playa role in that, but we don't
understand.
Debbie (13:58):
You can actually drain your adrenal glands and
completely wear them out withbeing overly angry.
Josh (14:06):
The more you know, because I was in the middle of talking.
I didn't expect you to justlike cut me off for a science
lesson.
Debbie (14:18):
I'm sorry.
But, anyway, I just wanted toget that out.
Josh (14:23):
Obviously Self-control, debbie Self-control.
Debbie (14:26):
Debbie Self-control.
Josh (14:29):
Let's act like you've had a conversation before.
Debbie (14:31):
I know I'm sorry.
Josh (14:32):
But what we see is in emotionalism is we see this
explosion of just I feel.
And again, feelings andemotions are neither right nor
wrong, they just are.
Debbie (14:47):
It's what you do with that?
Josh (14:49):
that that dictates what's right and wrong right right like
I feel a lot of differentthings and and the hard thing is
when you're basing everythingoff of what you feel what's
going to happen in the next?
Debbie (14:59):
when you don't feel like that.
I mean today I went from.
I had a barrage of emotionstoday.
I didn't react to any of them.
I've learned over the course ofmany years to kind of let them
simmer and I sat with them.
Josh (15:17):
The correct terminology is push that down, bottle that up.
Debbie (15:21):
I let some time pass and I went okay, all right, what am
I really upset about?
Yeah, so I had to processthrough my feelings and then
went okay, all right, what am Ireally upset about?
Yeah, so I had to processthrough my feelings and then go
okay, it's not as big as butthat's what emotionalism does,
is?
Josh (15:34):
it forces you to focus on the symptom, not the problem,
right?
And so you're never actuallyfixing what is wrong, right, as
much as you're just trying tolike manage the symptoms of it,
right, and what happens is like,just look at marriage
counseling, right, you know,couples come in normally because
(15:56):
of symptoms, right?
We, you know, we just argue allthe time, or, you know, I feel
like we're just different people.
We we're drifting apart likeall of these things, like you're
.
You're worrying about thesymptom of that issue that came
from.
Somewhere instead of diggingdeeper and going okay what is
causing this right.
It started somewhere right likeit would be like if you got a.
(16:16):
You know, and all I can everthink of is that episode of
spongebob which one where hegets the splinter in his thumb
and then they like cover it withgarbage and all of this and it
causes this huge infection andit winds up exploding at the end
.
Debbie (16:30):
Yeah, it festers, it festered um yes, and then it
erupted and that's what normallyhappens, is we have these,
these things, these real thingsthat cause damage, that were
never dealt with and and overtime, they just build up right
and and then something smallhappens and then the next thing,
(16:51):
you know, you're having thismacro reaction to this micro
situation and it's like whoa, Ijust I spilt a little bit of
milk.
Josh (17:01):
I didn't think it was and, and that's what we saw, you see
, that in the home but that'swhat we saw with this charter
video right he wasn't really madat that guy about well I'm sure
he was, he was probably mad,but I go that there's no, no
right like you can't with normaleyes go oh yeah
sure I could see why he wouldjump on another human being's
(17:21):
boat, chase him around his ownboat and well, even if you
demand an apology, even if youthink about it legally right,
right, we have crimes of passion.
Debbie (17:29):
Yes.
Josh (17:29):
Okay, like you know, you walk in your wife's cheating on
you, you wind up.
You know killing this person.
Debbie (17:36):
Like Shelton Old Red.
Josh (17:39):
You know there is a criminal defense to go hey, this
was a crime of passion, right,and therefore it is a lower
charge because that's howpowerful that can be, right?
And and when we see that youknow self control, what Paul is
saying is hey, stop, take aminute right, process through
(18:00):
what you're going through andthen react.
Debbie (18:03):
If you need to.
You may not even need to reactand then react If you need to
you may not even need to reactRight, not everything needs to
have a reaction.
Josh (18:09):
Right, like this charter guy.
Debbie (18:10):
he just lost, you know, presumably you know, three
quarters of a million dollars ayear.
Josh (18:14):
Well, even if we but even if we go beyond that right.
You know you.
You lost your reputation, youlost you know, he'll more than
likely lose his license, sure,even if it's just a suspension
or something of that nature?
Um, he may be facing, you know,some jail time, so you're gonna
lose your freedom, right?
Like you're gonna lose all ofthis and you for what?
You could have just kept goingand hit the dock and and just
(18:37):
moved on home.
Debbie (18:38):
Yeah, you know, and that's what winds up happening
well then there's a dominoeffect, like whether it's in the
home or the other gentlementhat were with him.
They're all starting to seeconsequences for their buddy's
actions.
Right, like some of them arelosing their businesses, some of
them are being blasted on, youknow, because everyone likes to
blast on social media.
Josh (18:57):
They're blasting on social media, so if you're gonna blast
on social media, blast faith,family fishing I was gonna say
that.
Debbie (19:08):
But even like, if you think about a situation, like
you think about homes, you knowmom or dad comes home, some
they're almost, they're upset,they're frustrated and something
they have all this is all thisin them and then something small
happens with the kids and thenthere's this big explosion the
child's full of emotion, crying.
You know the spouse is likehold on, what's going on.
(19:30):
And then later on then you havesorrow, regret, shame, guilt.
You've hurt your childemotionally.
You know your spouse is dealingwith the repercussions of it.
For what?
Because you couldn't be a bigboy or big girl and just breathe
through it.
You couldn't be a big boy orbig girl and just breathe
through it.
I think, being in education, Isee things a little bit
(19:54):
differently when it comes tostuff like that, because after a
pattern of a while, a while ofthat happening, eventually kids
start growing numb to it, likeyou know what I mean Like
marital issues start slowlyarising.
Josh (20:09):
Of course, you are a product of your environment.
Debbie (20:13):
You're teaching your daughters how to deal with it.
You take people who grow up inchaos that becomes normal.
Josh (20:18):
Chaos becomes normal to them.
And when it's not chaotic, allof a sudden they feel uneasy.
They're waiting for somethingto explode right, I can't have
this like where it's just be atpeace, normal right yeah, and
and so you know there is thatsense of it, but I go.
(20:39):
But again, this self-controlthing is is sitting here going,
hey, I feel, but what I know andand I say this all the time
right, let go of what you feel,hold on to what is real.
You know what?
What is real, what is truth,what is like?
What is it like?
You know me and you get into anargument or something me and
you aren't seeing eye to eye onsomething, right like I sit here
(21:00):
and go.
Is this worth?
right this argument?
Is this worth spending the nextyou know day, the next day, the
next two days, the next threedays?
Whatever, not talking to eachother or very minimal talking to
each other, and the older I'vegotten, the smaller my list of
is this worth it?
(21:21):
Because most of the stuff youlook at really in the grand
scheme of life, is that reallyworth?
It.
Is it really that worth it forme to show that I'm right?
Debbie (21:31):
Right.
You know and and some of that'spride too.
I mean a lot of pride.
Some of what we saw in thatvideo is pride.
Who, who do you think you are?
Josh (21:39):
Tell me you know how dare you talk to me like that, right,
but, but again, we do the samethings in our marriages.
You know how many marriageshave I, you know, seen where
where one person or the other,their pride, their ego, got a
little hurt and instead ofhaving that humility and going,
(22:00):
hey, like I was wrong and let'smove on from this.
I need to change this.
Mm-hmm.
It turns into let's dig ourheels in.
Mm-hmm.
And I'm going to go to the wallon this one, mm-hmm.
And then, next thing you know,you have a dissolution to
marriage.
And for what?
(22:20):
Right.
You know, and then you throwkids in on top of that Again,
life is completely an at all.
These people you affected,right, because you couldn't keep
control of it, right?
You know, the hulk is myfavorite comic book character by
far, like not even close right.
So much so that we named our doghulk, for us his soul and I go,
(22:43):
and it's because of that, it'sbecause I know what that feels
like that just be pent up andrage filled, and sitting here
and going like I want a place toput this, and that's really
what what's winding up happeningis is you're you're letting
this you're carrying all of itand eventually that pressure, it
has to have somewhere to go yesand then next thing, you know
(23:07):
it's going towards, know it'sgoing towards your spouse, it's
going towards your kids, thevery people it shouldn't go
towards.
The cable company.
You know the person who lookedat you wrong, the little snide
comment that you would have beenable to ignore any other day,
right?
So I go.
When we look at this wholeself-control thing, yeah, it is
a huge issue because a lot of itstems from not just that moment
(23:30):
, but beforehand.
Debbie (23:31):
Right.
Josh (23:33):
You know, what are you still holding on to?
What are you still like hidingdeep down in your heart, what is
still like affecting you thatmuch that it's controlling your
day to day?
Now, right, because, understand, until you deal with that,
you're not going to move forwardfrom that.
Right, you're going to stay inthat position and you're going
to stay wherever you are.
Debbie (23:51):
And at that point it becomes a choice to live like
that and it's a choice to get,whatever the consequences are,
like.
It's almost like you get to aplace where I know I've seen
people where they almost thrivein that chaos because they're
just so used to it.
Josh (24:08):
No, I wouldn't use the word thrive.
They survive in that chaos.
I wouldn't say they thrive.
Thriving is a good thing, Deb,and in that kind of situation
it's impossible to be thriving.
Debbie (24:24):
I used the wrong word.
Josh (24:26):
Well, I understand that, but I'm just saying like yeah
you know and and I go it's, areyou okay?
What time is it?
It is 4 36 what I told youyesterday same time, every day
yep and I go.
It's sitting here going.
Debbie (24:47):
Josh has had the same pain at the same time every day
for the past few days.
So if anybody has any ideas orthoughts, let us know.
Josh (24:55):
It's sitting here going.
How much do you want to movepast where you are?
Right now self-control issitting here, going, yeah, I
feel this or I feel that, butbefore I react, here's what I'm
going to do, and there's a lotof different techniques for this
(25:15):
.
Debbie (25:16):
Oh yeah.
Josh (25:16):
You know, if you've ever spent time in counseling one of
them.
Breathing techniques right,breathe from the belly.
Debbie (25:24):
Yes, hold it to your belly Deep breaths in your nose.
Josh (25:27):
Hold it for you know, five seconds and then out your mouth
Slow, consistent breaths.
Debbie (25:34):
Yes.
Josh (25:34):
You will calm your body down, your heart rate will
decrease, your blood pressurewill come down, all of those
things all right.
So you, you get into thatmoment where you're ready and
it's like, okay, hold on, let mebreathe.
Debbie (25:46):
something just as simple as that will calm your levels
down and if that's not workingcount um I tell, I tell them
count before you respond.
Count to three, five.
Josh (25:58):
Gather your thoughts together but again, if that
doesn't work, take a pillow, putit over your face and scream
again it's got to come out.
Debbie (26:09):
I think people don't always think about stuff like
that because they think theyhave to hold it in.
They don't realize you can letit out.
It just needs to be let out ina safe and healthy way.
That's why some people doboxing.
You know, mma, weightliftingrunning fishing, fishing.
Josh (26:26):
I don't know why that wasn't the first one swimming.
Debbie (26:29):
There are things you can do to go.
Josh (26:30):
Okay, I need to do something to decompress and and
then you know, that's what I'msaying.
There's all these differentavenues.
We like the destructive ones,though, right, we like the.
Oh, let me drink, let me smoke,let me you know how about stop
and pray for a minute?
Why that didn't make the topright pray, you know so.
Debbie (26:54):
For me, like when I pray , specifically when I'm going
through stuff like that, I praythat God change my heart,
posture, change the perspectiveI'm looking at things in change.
I oftentimes pray that hechange the situation.
But if he doesn't, you know, Ialways pray that God change me
and do something in my heart,because I can't control anybody
(27:16):
else.
Josh (27:16):
But, again, that's why it's important to to have people
in your life that you can reachout to for prayer, for well, to
talk to prayer and to talk.
That's what I mean.
Yeah, pray, and yeah, you know,hey, like it's hitting me today
, you know, can you pray with me?
Can, can you talk me throughthis?
Because I mean, there's a lotof times, like you know, I have
those guys in my life that youknow not a lot, but I have some
(27:38):
guys in my life that, yeah, whenlike crap's hitting the fan, I
can reach out to, and a lot oftimes we're going to have those
conversations where, all of asudden, it is you know, I didn't
see it that way.
You know, one of the last onesyou know, and I don't want to
call them out, or anything likethat.
(28:01):
You know it of them, one of thelast ones you know, and I don't
want to call him out or anythinglike that.
Um, you know where it was like.
Hey man, I hear what you'resaying, I hear your frustrations
and all that, but I'm going togo ahead and tell you you need
to be very careful that youdon't harden your heart.
Debbie (28:06):
And I love I was.
Josh (28:07):
that's actually what I was going to bring, bring up I love
that you were able to have thatconversation with him, because
he loves you enough to go.
I know your tendencies, I knowI know where this is headed.
Right, right, right and andthat's not healthy.
Right, and especially as achrist follower, and especially
in your position as a pastor.
Debbie (28:26):
Nope, that's the wrong way to look at it and you need
to, like you said, you need tohave those people in your life
that will look you and go nopeyep, and, and that might be your
spouse, but you know you needto have someone else too,
because what happens when yourspouse is the one?
That's taking you to that point, yeah, yeah, and I'll tell you
what in ministry that's reallyreally, really hard um, but, but
(28:52):
I mean, that's what it is,though, right, self-control
right even if you go back to therage verse, reconciliation or
rage to reconciliation?
Josh (29:00):
I forget exactly what the title the one about anger right.
The one about anger um, like Isaid, for me it was, it was
learning to harness that, it waslearning to to like go.
Hey, look like I'm still gonnaget mad but what I?
Debbie (29:18):
do with that anger right , right, and it's to be
productive, right, and I thinkthat's a good thing to point out
, because not everyone knowsthat you were allowed to be mad,
it's just you're allowed to bewith it, and that's my thing,
and I know sometimes I come offcold and heartless with it.
Josh (29:33):
You're allowed to feel whatever you're feeling, right
it's.
Don't let what you're feelingcontrol you.
You be in control, haveself-control.
Debbie (29:44):
Right, that's the whole point.
Josh (29:45):
You know, there are days like and again.
Like you know, when we startlooking at you know things like
bipolar and depression and stufflike that, you that's a whole
nother podcast.
It is another podcast.
But what I want to get at isone of the first things that
they teach you is how torecognize those triggers that
(30:08):
are going to cause somethingright, and then how to cope with
that because sometimes you needto stay away from a situation,
sometimes you can't.
Debbie (30:18):
So, like you said, you need to find ways to cope and go
.
I know I'm going to be in thissituation or around this person
or right, whatever the casemight be.
Josh (30:25):
Just take even adhd right, like I was never medicated for
it, um, but I was given ways tocope with it and ways to deal
with it and in certain aspectsit's a, it is very much a
strength in other aspects it is,it can be very detrimental.
But like I mean, think about it, like it takes a lot to catch
(30:47):
my attention, but, man, when youhave my attention, that's it.
Debbie (30:49):
You have all of my attention, almost overwhelming,
right, you can't handle myundivided attention.
Josh (30:52):
That's pretty much what it's like um.
You can't handle my undividedattention.
That's pretty much what it'slike, and it's sitting here and
going.
Like I said, self-control issitting here, going.
I'm going to be in control ofmyself, I'm not going to react,
I'm not going to just, you know,go crazy and Hulk out and Hulk
smash.
Debbie (31:11):
And do anything based off of anyone else, right?
Because then what you're doingis giving other people control.
Josh (31:17):
Right, and that's the biggest thing.
Like the kids, you know gabbywas, oh, jt picks on me and you
know blah, blah, blah I'm likeand I told her?
Yeah, because you react to ithe gets a rise out of you he, he
in that moment is living rentfree in your brain because he's
controlling all that right rent,right where.
If you can keep that undercontrol right he's gonna get
(31:43):
bored and move on right and Imean he's not doing anything
major.
It's like pinching and poking inthe back seat while we're
driving.
But right you know it's thesame thing, right it's.
Can you control yourself?
Right?
You want a stronger marriage.
Learn self-control.
You know you want bettercommunication with your spouse.
Learn self-control.
Sometimes you want to be abetter you want to be a better
(32:05):
parent.
Debbie (32:05):
Learn self-control sometimes you don't have to make
that last comment.
What I remember?
Josh (32:10):
that depends on who you are well, yeah sure I remember I
will always have to make thatlast comment.
Debbie (32:15):
I was going through a certification for um uh, a youth
life coach, and one of thethings was sometimes you can let
them have the last word yeahyou don't always have to be the
one to say the last and finalthing.
Josh (32:30):
Yeah, that's a pride issue but I go again and and keep in
mind, like for action there isan opposite and equal reaction,
like I'll tell you right now,like one of the worst things you
can do is overreact in asituation, because what if
you're dealing with someone whomeets your reaction and then
goes one level higher?
Debbie (32:51):
Oh, I'm going to take yours and I'm going to raise it
three levels.
Josh (32:53):
That's how things escalate so fast, right, right, you know
, because who?
Debbie (32:58):
do you think you're talking to?
Josh (32:59):
Right.
Debbie (33:00):
Can't talk to me like that.
Josh (33:01):
Right, where you know.
It's like we told you know.
We taught our kids growing upright.
We didn't teach our kids ifsomeone hits, you, hit them back
.
We taught our kids you get awayIf you can't get away and you
have to defend yourself.
100%.
Defend yourself, but yourprimary goal and responsibility
(33:24):
is to get away.
Debbie (33:25):
Right.
Josh (33:26):
And I go and it's the same thing that shows more control.
Debbie (33:30):
Right Than reacting, than just reacting.
Josh (33:32):
Mm-hmm Right.
Debbie (33:35):
You can save your entire family detriment by having
self-control.
Well, just think about it.
Josh (33:43):
Jesus is getting murdered, has just spent the entire night
before being starved, beaten,mocked, all the spit on all the
things, is being nailed to atree, you know, on the cross and
goes father, forgive them, them.
They know not what they doright, that's wild because let
(34:04):
someone like look at yousideways or mention you on
social media and you are readyto just like go to burn their
world down and and yet, jesus,the ultimate picture of
self-control right was like nahfather forgive yep and then
(34:24):
we'll head out yep, and that'swhere why you want to see change
in your life.
Start, start being in control ofyourself.
Starts with you you know paulwould tell us in paul's with.
You know paul would tell us insecond corinthians you know we
defeat every lofty argument thatis raised against us by taking
(34:45):
every thought captive and andagain I had a hard time with
that that's different.
You know, I could go a totallydifferent way, but but
understand it.
That's where it starts righttake your thoughts captive.
Be in control of yourself,right.
You could avoid a lot ofheartache and a lot of misery in
life if you were just incontrol of yourself.
Debbie (35:03):
And a lot of times people don't realize that you
know you have an enemy.
We've talked about that before.
Josh (35:10):
Who is?
Debbie (35:10):
going to push every button he can, and it doesn't
have to be.
I'm going to keep you fromgoing to church.
It could, church, it could.
I'm gonna push every button tomake sure you stay angry, and
then you give that power andcontrol.
Josh (35:22):
Yep, I mean that's, that's a dumb decision yeah, so I hope
we gave you some practical waysto handle that.
Debbie (35:29):
God, this is such a bigger thing that we could oh
yeah I mean, this is just likescratching the surface oh 100.
Josh (35:36):
But you know, hopefully there's some practical ways.
If you want more practical ways, I mean you can reach out
online.
You can reach out um.
You can email info atmissioncentorg.
Um.
You can hit us up on on socialmedia.
Like you know, there's a lot ofother ways to handle all of
this, but but it really doesstart with a choice and and the.
The choice is are you going tobe in control of?
(35:57):
Yourself so until next time, welove you, we thank you bye guys
be in control, and we can't dothis without you.
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