July 21, 2023 • 44 mins
Moving away from school-centric culture and the performances we got going on is a very real thing that one listener voiced and we're sharing it here in this episode.
We're diving deep into this topic, addressing the importance of honoring our children's confident autonomy and moving away from the ingrained schoolishness we perform at home. We're exploring this through one listener's transformative story, lessons from my personal parenting journey, and the integrated perspectives that Savorism has allowed.
Embrace this journey with us as we navigate the shift from school at home to more liberated and nurturing approaches. We recap Season 4 and 5 in this episode and highlight the overarching themes. This episode is a fusion of personal narratives, listener insights, and practical pieces of advice tailored for anyone managing the beautiful task of raising free people.
Let's rethink education, nurture relationships, and foster liberation, while savoring the spaciousness it allows.
Some links:
Our family of podcasts all in one place: RFPN
Pleasure Series: Ep 112, 113, 114, 115, 116
Racial Equity in SDE: Ep 125
Chevanni Davids: Ep 146
Black, Queer Feminism: Ep 109
Dig this show? Join our make-it-happen family at patreon.com/akilah to make sure we can keep this thang going strong. Thank you!
The Raising Free People Practice Card Deck
https://schoolishness.com/market/rfp-a-practice-deck/
Peek at the details of Personal Manifesto Path (will be available exclusively through our make-it-happen family on Patreon)
https://www.rfpunschool.com/p/manifesto
Our Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/@fareofthefreechild
The Village:
https://my-reflection-matters.mn.co/
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Dope Listener (00:00):
And this idea of allowing them to be free makes
me kind of feel free.
My son is like I have adoctor's appointment tomorrow.
I don't want to go to schoolfor the rest of the day.
I want to hang out with you, Iwant to play my video game, I
want to go have lunch with you.
FOFC Podcast (00:16):
You heard a snippet of what I'm about to
play here, which is a messagefrom a listener who was really
just sharing with me what shewas going through as she first
started listening to thispodcast recently, and I think it
is just so honest and I couldrelate to so much of it.
When I think about my daughterswhen they were younger they're
(00:40):
now 19 and 17.
And then I also in service ofthis episode where we'll be
talking about moving away fromschool culture instead of just
doing school at home I feel likeher message here is relevant.
It's relevant for beginners andit's also relevant here because
(01:01):
we're really just going to betalking about the very same type
of thing that she's saying,which is basically like, oh shit
.
When I back up a little bit fromthe performance of being this
type of parent and making suremy child is this type of student
, I'm realizing that it'sactually more in flow and more
(01:22):
in alignment with the type ofrelationship I want to have with
my child, when I do honor theirrequest to stay home from
school, not just because they'resick, and that it invites me to
honor my own body's needs andrequests to chill out or to do
less Right, like these sorts ofthings are what we're talking
about, because the unquestioneddedication to school culture can
(01:46):
be disrupted, and when it is,we really get to move into right
, healthy, evolutionaryrelationship across generations.
So shout out to this listener.
We won't say her name, but herenergy is all up in this episode
, as is yours, as you listen,all right.
Dope Listener (02:10):
Akilah, I wish I was listening to your podcast
when my baby was in my womb.
I wish I listened to yourpodcast like before the pandemic
.
Oh my gosh.
I'm just sitting here reallybecause I'm like I was just so
(02:30):
hard on my babies at the time.
I had a first grader and afifth grader and the girl was in
fifth grade and I'm just like,oh my goodness, the creativity
that could have came out of thattime.
But I was just so focused onallowing them to do that busy
(02:52):
paper work crap that they senthome with the kids for the
pandemic.
And mad at my first grader, whohas ADHD, who decided to just
listen to the teacher while hisiPad was up and the teacher only
could see the ceiling fan.
(03:12):
Oh my goodness, if I knew whatI knew now, I would have been
like let him see the damn fan.
Hello, girl.
But that's okay.
My kids are still in publicschool and my journey hasn't
revealed to me exactly what Ineed to do with that.
My little one he wants to stayin school.
(03:34):
He's so motivated Like mom Ineed to figure this out Like I
really want to stay.
I just got one more year hereand I'm done and I'm like I've
been taking away his littlepower for such a long time and
thinking that I know what isbest for them.
And I see my mother effortswere good and my intentions were
(03:55):
good.
But what it does to the kidswhen you constantly making
decisions for them instead ofbeing a navigator and guide, or
in their life?
Because one thing I realize isjust kind of like it's futile
for me to try to control my kidsbecause the body will fight up
(04:16):
against it.
And you know, I didn't grow upwith my biological mother.
So I am just raising my kidsfrom an empty space and I'm
trying to fill my space and giveit to them.
And it's so many mistakes.
But even though, akilah, that Iwent through all of that, I
feel like myself still cameforward that even though I'm
(04:39):
mother without a map, that mapis still being created each and
every day.
And my mother mistakes did notdefine who I would be as a
mother and my kids, they'regoing to come forth who they are
.
It's going to show whether Isuppress it or not.
So why not help me that guidinglight for them, no matter where
(05:03):
they decide to school at?
And this idea of allowing themto be free makes me kind of feel
free.
My son is like I have a doctor'sappointment tomorrow.
I don't want to go to schoolfor the rest of the day.
I want to hang out with you.
I want to play my video game, Iwant to go have lunch with you
and you know before I would havebeen freaking out like you need
(05:25):
to be in school, you're goingto miss the content and all that
.
I'm just like, okay, let's dothis.
What you want to eat for lunch,come on While you watch playing
your video game, I'm going totake me a nap and I'm a lock my
hair and I'm a binge watch atelevision show.
Why are you doing your thing?
I just I'm not gonna sit andruminate on the past, but I
(05:49):
could tell you oh, my goodness,I just I just wish I knew about
this content, but my heartwasn't ready for the journey,
obviously, and it just cameright after the right time.
So I always say that my, mydaughter, made me a mother and
she makes me want to take bettercare of myself, and my son is
(06:11):
helping me uproot every lap Ibelieved about myself and
parenting.
FOFC Podcast (06:21):
You can't keep using tools of oppression and
expect to raise free people.
This episode, episode two, six,seven you will be rocking with
a sister while we go throughrecaps of seasons four and five
(06:46):
Because, as you may know, thisis the final season of Fair of
the free child podcast.
The elder is being laid to restand I really feel like it's
important to pay some attention,some naming, some honoring of
what has happened since July of2016 through August, ish,
(07:09):
september issue will see of 2023, as we do this eulogizing of
this experience called Fair ofthe free child, and Also make
sure you know what else we doing, what we rocking with, what
we're expanding, what we areletting die and everything in
between.
So this episode, we will focusin on seasons four and five.
(07:31):
I will say some names, I willtell you about some of the
themes, I might nudge youtowards some particular episodes
, and then I'm gonna move into,as promised, the details of this
particular path from homeschooling, as in just doing what
they do at school, just doingit at home, to more confident
(07:51):
autonomy Practices, right movingaway from school centric
culture.
I'm gonna talk about that thisepisode.
I will also drop in a fewaffirmations in between, because
they Showed up as I was workingwith this episode.
One of them is one that I'vebeen using for years and it
(08:13):
showed up here as I've beenworking with this episode.
And then a few others just camemore recently, specifically
around this episode, some reallygrateful for the Spaciousness
that this season is offering andthankful to be co-producing it
with Nas, formerly known asFatima, my sister in, who is
(08:35):
really with the details of this,with me this season and
reminding me that, as we arelearning how to savor this era
of our lives as women, mamas,unschoolers, de-schoolers, in
this stage of our journey in our40s, we are learning how to
trust this slower pace, how toreally honor the savoring and
(08:58):
not like worry about it or, um,say that we want it but then
still push to do a lot of things.
And you know, I'm in that spacesometimes and it's really
beautiful to be able to do thiswith Nas, because then she steps
in and is like Yo, you know,drop into the, the spaciousness,
and it's just like thank youfor the reminder, oh, my god.
So I'm grateful to be able todrop these affirmations in here,
(09:23):
as they had the space theyneeded to come through One core
theme that runs through allepisodes of this Is the
(09:43):
exploration of unschooling andits relevance to black people,
and seasons four and five, ofcourse, stayed in alignment with
that and it's so beautiful tome always in so many ways, the
way that I can see how thehealth of blackness, as I
understand it, is really justsuch an opening and point of
(10:06):
connection to so many differentaspects of people and culture
and community and relationshipand including beyond humans,
like with animals andspiritually and all of these
things.
So much of that for me isconnected to my exploration and
acceptance and expansivenessaround my blackness, and so I am
(10:32):
very much one of those peopleof the mindset that the better
off black folks are in ourcapacity to be free and safe and
happy and thriving, the morebeneficial it is for everything
and everyone else.
(10:52):
I truly have that experienceover and over, and so, as I was
Time traveling through seasonsfour and five so that I can
bring this to you here, I reallycan appreciate, continue to
appreciate, the overlapping andintersecting themes that Were
really the thread there for mewas blackness and people's
(11:15):
exploration of that.
It's like this whole thingabout raising free people,
mindful people, is is also aboutin many ways challenging
societal norms and systems, andone of the huge, evident
characteristics of of thesesocietal norms and systems is
anti-blackness.
(11:36):
So I really value that thispodcast was able to make
offerings into that particularwell of truth and reality.
So season four continued thatexploration and zoned in a
(11:58):
little bit on personalleadership and self-expression,
while also addressing thingslike mindfulness, liberation, of
course, and education, allthrough the lens of
self-directedness orself-directed education.
One of the highlights for me ofseason four was the pleasure
series.
(12:18):
That was episodes one twelvethrough one sixteen, in case you
want to move right into thoseafter this.
So those were just like veryspecific exploration around Our
relationship to pleasure.
You know, when we see ourchildren, for example, for those
of us who are parents, when wesee our children being happy
(12:42):
doing a thing, there are a lotof filters For that happiness to
come through before they landWherever they land.
For us and by that I mean Someof us that we talked about it in
the series some parents havehad the experience of resenting
we're not knowing how to accepta child being Joyous, like just
(13:03):
being in a state of pleasuredoing something that they, the
adult, didn't think was Likeproductive or useful Right.
Gaming is a big example of that, and it's not to Invalidate the
diversity of any of thesethings that we talk about,
including pleasure.
Something that someone findspleasurable may not be healthy
(13:24):
or safe Right, like all theseelements of pleasure were
explored here, and so we hadTheamonye, my good sister, hold
us sacred retreats, and Marley Iowe the movement.
Thea joined us.
We also were joined by being ajoy whose liberation work lives
in dance and movement, and I goover to that particular well
(13:48):
over and over at different timesin my life.
I'd like gravitate to be ableto move certain things through
my body, through dance.
I love her work.
Also, other good sis IvyFelicia, the body relationship
coach, founder of fat woman ofcolor, which is a community care
space around fat liberation andfat acceptance.
(14:09):
Ivy kicked it with us Episode125.
I really enjoyed thatexperience.
We covered the topic of racialequity in self-directed
education by highlighting someconversations that happened at
the liberation and educationsummit in Clarkston that was
hosted by Hartwood agilelearning center.
(14:30):
Talked about the importance ofcreating inclusive spaces and
dismantling systemic barriers,even in a space that can
sometimes assume that thosethings are not happening at a
certain level.
So really talking about what,what that meant, the realities
for the need for racial equity.
Season four also coveredde-schooling, relationships,
(14:53):
reparenting I was just havingthat conversation with another
unschooling mom this morning thereparenting of ourselves and
also older versions of ourchildren.
Hello, oh, my God, if we weredoing another season, we would
have to talk about that, likewhat it means to be such a
different parent when your kidis 20, than you were when they
(15:18):
were five or 10, and revisitingthat space right, like, yeah,
also, regenerative practices wetalked about that In season four
.
I remember episode 146, wefeatured Shavani.
Beyond David's the homie.
We met Shavani, sebastian, hisbrother Lolo oh my gosh Anna
(15:41):
Meshela.
We met in South Africa yearsago and our family's connection
remains intact despite thedistance and it's such a
blessing.
Shavani is part of a small teamthat manages Reimagine Learning
Center, a space that centersunschooling, community and
restorative practices, and thatconversation was amazing and you
(16:05):
just need to know what Shavaniis up to in the world.
If you're listening to thispodcast, you definitely need to
know about Shavani's work, so besure to check out the link.
The show notes page will havethe link to where you can follow
Shavani's work and you can findthe show notes page usually
wherever you listen into thepodcast homie.
What else did I wanna share withyou?
Oh, episode 150, dr YolandeTomlinson.
(16:30):
We had a beautiful conversationabout black queer feminism and
the black queer feministapproach to self-directed
education.
Shout out to Yolande.
In our season four finale wejoined the planted up podcast
host, val, who's also my mom.
Such a good time exploring theconnection between plant care
(16:52):
and self-care.
We talked about how, atdifferent times in our lives, we
discovered the power ofcultivating relationships with
nature as a means of nourishingourselves, because we are also
nature.
Right, that's something that Ireally need to constantly come
back to.
I am nature.
I'm not trying to be withanother thing.
I'm trying to be more of myselfin certain ways, which includes
(17:17):
the transformative selves, allthese other natural things that
I can do and I'm equipped to gothrough.
So it's so good to be able totalk with mom out loud about how
that's showing up in our lives.
That was episode 180.
And we kept the theme of theseshort run podcast series like
planted up podcast, mom'spodcast.
(17:39):
We did that all the way through.
So in season five you alsoheard from Asia Marie of she
Said we Shed podcast.
Asia, I am forever grateful foryour willingness to talk about
black mama trauma and reallypush back against these
monolithic ideas about whatblack family structures and
(18:01):
black mamas look like, so thatwe don't get to grieve our shit
because people telling us whatwe can and cannot talk about out
loud.
And I think Asia's work is likesuch a testament to the power
and connection and healing workthat can happen when you are
insistent on telling aspects ofyour truth.
(18:22):
And then we introduced the poorpodcast which was Leslie W Bray
beautiful opportunity to reallymove into what you are pouring
into, what's being poured intoyou, and it's a beautiful
acronym, just like check thatout.
In season five we also kickedit with Lou Hollis of Grief,
(18:43):
growth and Goals podcast.
Love what Lou is doing nowrunning this agile learning
space with these opportunitiesfor entrepreneurship and moving
through the business that Louknows like the back of her hand
in terms of her talent,management skills and marrying
all of those things with hercommitment to self-directed
(19:03):
education as a mother, as amember of community, just so
proud of and excited for whatLou is continuing to do.
And you can hear the details ofthat story through Grief,
growth and Goals podcast, whichis still fully accessible, and
check out the details of that.
In season five, we alsointroduced how she got free
(19:23):
podcast with my good sis,katrina Monique.
We never ended up publishingfull episodes of that podcast,
even though many were recorded,and we trust that the data the
deep, sweet, truthful data thatwe collected during that time is
meant to serve a thing, even ifit was not this version that we
(19:47):
had envisioned of that podcast.
So I'm grateful for the timeand space and we remain in touch
in harmony.
You know, doing what we do.
We did that towards the end ofseason five, continuing these
short run podcast series, butthe earlier part of season five,
which all went down in 2020,the year that COVID rolled up on
(20:09):
us like break yourself fool.
We really just continued theconversations around the themes
of personal leadership,spirituality and self-expression
and the intersection of thosewith parenting, with education,
of course, and withdecolonization.
Yeah, so that's what we werefeeling into and talking about
(20:32):
together in seasons four andfive, and I really felt like
those conversations gave us likethe type of insights into
mindfulness, stretched over intoparenting practices, including
the re-parenting of our ownselves, like whether we have
children or not also navigatingsocietal expectations period and
(20:54):
cultivating liberation withinfamily dynamics?
That's one of the main themesthat stuck out in seasons four
and five, this notion ofliberation, work, living within
family dynamics and again, notonly family dynamics, with you
as a listener being the adult,but also you as an adult being a
(21:18):
part of a family, whether it'syour relationship with your
elders or with your siblings orwith your body.
It's all about relationshipwith your body, that's mixed
into all of it, but reallyintentionally with your body.
So, cultivating liberationwithin family dynamics, within
community dynamics a lot of thatcame up and really, really
(21:41):
encourage you to get back intothat particular time portal for
2020 and 2019, for seasons fourand five.
["the World's Best?
So this focal point is aboutwhat you might notice, what you
(22:09):
might witness, what you mightlook forward to or look out for
as you intentionally shift theway that you are in relationship
with young people, yourchildren, somebody else's
children entrusted to you, yourinner child.
How you might move away fromjust doing school at home or
(22:35):
having a very schoolish approachto your thinking and your ways
to shift from that over intosomething more
liberation-centric, somethingthat's more in honor of and in
trust of lifelong learning, notcramming specific bits of
(22:56):
information and thenregurgitating it in the form of
a test or telling yourself thesame stories over and over again
from things that happened toyou in childhood and living into
the consequences of that todaywithout stopping to question
whether you still wanna bealigned with who you became as a
(23:19):
result of that thing thathappened to you when you were a
child.
So when I talk about the innerchild work, that's the kind of
focal point that I'm leaninginto here the things that shaped
who we are today, those thingsthat happened in childhood and
the ways that we stand on thosegrounds and look around from
(23:43):
that particular perspective.
What is it that you're noticingas you're doing more of this
type of work?
Listening to more things likethis, being in more
conversations, groups,gatherings, readings that are
more about how you wanna feel,what type of communities you
wanna contribute to, what waysof thinking and moving and
(24:06):
living and buying all of that,buying into what are the ones
that you're moving away from?
And for some of us, that isvery much connected to our work
with our children, ourcommitment to raising them with
a particular level of confidentautonomy and having them be, as
(24:31):
my friend Zakiya says freepeople and aware people, not
just free to do whatever, causewhatever.
But when we talk about raisingfree people, we're talking about
having a certain freedom ofmind, a certain
liberation-centric way of beingin the world, a type of
normalized sense of whatcommunity care means.
(24:54):
Because this way of raisingfree people means that we are
free to come back to some of theways that colonization and
capitalism, patriarchy, some ofthese things that have moved us
out of what was actually normalfor us and we've moved into
these newer, inhumane thingslike school and even the ways
(25:19):
that we think about money andrelationship.
Through schooling we are taughtto be in relationship with
people for what they could dofor us.
Leverage and what we could dofor them is in service of what
we want from them.
You know, leverage connectionsto climb the ladder, to shine
brighter, to stand out moreLiterally.
(25:42):
In school the point is standout, stand apart.
That's the language that's used.
And while competition can behealthy and consensual and like
really aware of what's going on,this isn't about don't ever do
this, always do that.
It's about the lean, it's aboutthe way that we are oriented
(26:07):
towards a lack of mindfulnessaround things like competition
to the point that it costs usour skills around things like
rest, because if you're incompetition mode at all times in
some element of your life, younot prioritize in rest, and we
are understanding from peoplelike Trisha Hersey and Octavia
(26:30):
Rahim and others who are doingthe work around building our
rest skills.
We're learning about the costsof that.
When you are school centric,you're not in healthy
relationship with things likerest.
You are not in healthyrelationship with things that
don't give you this definitivebinary yes or no result.
(26:53):
You try, we try, when we areschool centric, basically to
force our thoughts about peopleand situations into this space
of the defined.
Oh, I understand what ishappening, this is what's
happening.
This is a way that I couldprobably resolve it.
You know which constantlylooking for categories and
(27:17):
confines.
Right, we're looking for themall the time, and so where they
do not exist, when somebodydon't make sense to us something
they said, something, they did,something a child is showing us
or telling us then if we don'tsee those confines or parameters
or those specific yes, this isthis and this is what I do then
we put them there, place themthere, and those things, of
(27:39):
course, help to eroderelationship, healthy
relationship, building skillsacross and among generations.
So when I say, and when you hearfolks say schoolishness, what I
invite you to think about iswhere am I looking for this
(28:00):
definitive response that makessense to me, that I would say,
yes, thumbs up, I understand andI like it.
Where is it that I am forcingthat energy as opposed to paying
attention to how I actuallyfeel about it, what I tend to do
when I don't like the way Ifeel about something or I don't
(28:21):
understand something and howthat is affecting how I feel
every day and how I want to feelevery day this gap between what
, at this stage in your life, ahealthy, aligned, evolving
beautifully relationship withyourself and a person, each
person, a child and adult,whoever your job, your career,
(28:42):
what your relationship withthese important things in your
life look like You're payingattention to, whether what
you're doing each day is alignedwith that or not.
That's why, for me, thereclamation of prayers has been
such an important part of myongoing de-schooling.
(29:03):
Since we started doing thiswith Marley and Sage, me and
Kurt started doing this with ourdaughters in 2012.
I have written and talkedpublicly about my migration away
from Christianity over intoreally seeking and then
(29:24):
witnessing my own relationshipwith God, with self, with
universe.
One of the things that I didn'tknow how to do was to pray,
because I was no longer prayingto Jesus.
That's what I was taught, butthat wasn't what was real or
true for me.
So then it's like, okay, wellthen I guess I don't pray.
But then I learned over time tohave a different type of
(29:49):
relationship with prayers and Iwant to offer you this, and then
we can move back into what wemight notice, what we might
witness, what we might look outfor or look forward to as we
move away from school at home,into something else.
It's okay to pray.
(30:11):
It's okay to determine whatprayer means for you at any
particular time in your life.
Let us pray and don't just prayfast every time.
Sometimes, savor your prayers,take it slow, write it with your
(30:38):
hand if you can, record it withyour voice, if you can and want
to Really de-school yourperception of prayers.
When I did that, and as Icontinue to do that, I recognize
(31:01):
that my prayers are really thesame as my affirmations.
I treat my affirmations likeprayers outward, like vibration
to God, to universe, to aparticular person.
At times I treat them likeprayers inward, so that I can
(31:22):
remember to inviteaccountability in and notice
things and witness things.
I treat affirmations likeprayers down deep too, like to
be rooted in the truth of whathappens when the prayer comes
true.
I treat my affirmations likeprayers outward, inward and down
(31:43):
deep.
Let us pray Prayer one.
My daily choices are offeringsmeant to fortify these prayers.
What I do and choose determinesthe paths I can see and sense.
My guidance includes so muchmore than my conscious mind when
(32:07):
I make choices that align withmy prayers.
And if we want to drop a littlemad question asking in there, I
might ask you are your choicesaligned with your prayers?
Are you doing the things thatfeel aligned with these prayers
you pray in Prayer 2.
(32:33):
Affirmation 2.
My prayers need no pretense,and so my very real feelings are
present and valid.
My prayers do not center myfears or obstacles, because my
fears are fragments, often onloan.
My prayers affirm.
(32:54):
My prayers ground me in mywholeness, and so, as you are
maybe slowly backing away from adefined curriculum at home,
(33:14):
maybe as you are allowingyourself to not stay up to date
on all the things around, whatchildren need to be learning.
Maybe as you give yourself evenmore grace about not teaching a
child in your life all thethings that you think they need
to be learning and should belearning under your watch, if
(33:35):
you just slowly give yourselfthe space to not react to that
feeling with information, bygiving them information.
That is the starting point thatI recommend.
It's the one that I alsounderstand, because no one when
we first started I can't imaginethat anyone would have been
(33:57):
able to impress upon me in a waythat I believed that we should
just not give our daughters anytype of work to do.
I remember and I wrote this inRaising Free People, the book
how much Chris and I were likeshit, are we doing them a
disservice?
Are we about to make them beless smart?
(34:18):
Because now we're pulling themfrom the place where they got
all the information and it'slike those sort of things are
what held us kind of captive todoing school at home.
And so the less you answerthose feelings with action, the
more space you get in betweenthe version of yourself that
(34:41):
thinks those sort of thoughtsand the version of yourself that
understands something differentand is willing to learn and
support what natural lifelonglearning looks like those two
just need distance from eachother those two aspects of
yourself.
So each time you choose not toreact to that feeling, that need
each day.
(35:02):
As I mentioned in a previousepisode, when the girls would
not complete an assignment, wewent from enforcer to maybe more
gentle enforcer to investigator.
Investigator was also a type ofenforcer, because we
investigated to try to fix it.
I wonder why she didn'tcomplete the assignment.
(35:23):
What could we do to get her to?
Maybe we need to be moreflexible with timing.
Maybe we need to introduce amore diverse array of topics.
We went from that sort of thingto why is it that we're making
her do this thing?
I wonder why she's pushing backagainst it.
Since she does trust that we'renot giving her busy work.
(35:47):
Okay, I wonder, if she didn't doit, could she maybe learn
something else?
Or is it important that shelearn this particular thing?
If it is, does she need tolearn it now?
Am I thinking?
Does it make me just feel likeI'm doing my job?
What is this for?
What is this about?
Who is this for Right?
(36:08):
I have a question that I posed acouple episodes back that got
so much traction on Instagram inparticular Tons of comments,
many people saved it, got a lotof DMs about it.
The questions I asked are whois in my head when I try to make
my child do something?
Who is this particularperformance for?
(36:29):
That is the type of reasoningthat came up for Chris and for
me after spending some time withour daughters, but also
surrendering at first out offrustration, and then learning
to trust their resistance.
That's really what I'm offeringas my insight here that the
(36:52):
resistance that you might meetfrom a child to doing school at
home is your roadmap.
Pay attention to your responseto it, play with honoring it and
not honoring it, and see whatyou are learning and unlearning.
Also, every child is not goingto be resistant.
For some of us and that happensfrom where children and some of
(37:15):
us are adults and are stillthis way we're not going to
resist.
That's not the way we do thething.
We're going to follow itbecause it feels safe to follow
what we're used to.
If you are in the position ofwanting to switch from just
doing school at home tosomething more spacious, but you
feel like the child you have orthe child you're around needs
(37:36):
the structure, likes it, thrivesin it, then that's okay.
Unschooling is not about notdoing schoolwork.
Some children enjoy it.
Some people enjoy it.
At all stages in their lives,whether they're children or
adults, they get something fromit.
(37:56):
So if it is the case that thisyoung person is not resisting it
, roll with it.
Pay attention to the types ofthings that they want to dive
into.
Introduce other things thatthey might also add to their
structure.
Give them practice with whathappens when a structure needs
(38:18):
to change, like if they wake upand they like to do their
homeschooling work from thistime to this time.
Ask them about going to thepark or wherever at a different
time of day and see how theyrespond.
For some people, young peopleincluded, it'll be like oh great
, no problem, I'll just do thisstuff later.
For another one, it might belike no, I like to do it at this
(38:39):
time, and you could intuitivelyfeel into whether you want to
offer that as a type of lifeeducation of okay, so what
happens when shit changes andyou don't get to do exactly what
you want to do?
Life is going to give that tothem anyway, but so I'm just
talking about the shift fromhomeschooling to something else.
If you're in this earlier stageof it you might need to say you
(39:04):
might not yet be in a place toacknowledge or trust into that.
You don't have to simulatecertain life experiences.
You can trust each person'slife experience, including the
child in your life, that you donot have to be the giver of all
the experiences.
They will get those indifferent places.
You not even will always knowabout it, but you can always
talk about these things.
(39:25):
But if you're not yet there andyou want to, like we did in the
first couple of years, feellike we want to impart certain
things, then you can do littlethings like shifting the
schedule, asking about shiftingthe schedule, helping them to
navigate the emotions of okay,but I like things just so Right.
So you get to basically playwith the real personalities and
(39:50):
needs and tendencies of thepeople in front of you, the
children in front of you, you,the person in front of you, the
person you are trying to be, theways about yourself that have
developed as a result of thingsthat happened to you that you
didn't approach, you didn'tappreciate, didn't love, didn't
ask for, didn't consent to this.
(40:11):
This is again why, for me, theword savoring and this process
of invoking this saver complexfeels like such an important
part of my journey right now,including my journey as an
unschooler, a more embodiedversion of what happened in 2012
(40:31):
.
Is that this process ofsavoring is about?
As I've said here before, threeparts.
It's first acknowledging harm,and that harm can be, oh, what
I'm doing now with my child.
They did not consent to,they're pushing back in ways
that I want to pay a little bitmore attention to, or this
(40:53):
structure doesn't feel good forme.
I don't want to be doing thistype of force work with them for
these hours a day.
I don't, I don't want this, butit just feels like what I
should be doing.
Whatever the harm is.
That first part of this savercomplex is to acknowledge that.
What does harm mean to me rightnow?
Little H harm, big H, whateverit is, to name it.
(41:16):
So to acknowledge harm, andthen the second part is to
detangle a little bit from it,to start to de-school, where you
can.
If it's a little H harm thingand you might say oh, whatever
that thing is for you, you mightsay to detangle from it might
mean am I willing to sit in thediscomfort when I choose A
(41:40):
instead of B?
I'm going to pick a day thisweek that I'm just going to
really allow myself for twohours to sit in discomfort
around this particular thing.
I'm going to ask them to make achoice about a thing that I
would much rather choose, butI'm going to ask them and sit
with the discomfort.
If that's your thing, ifcontrol is your thing, then
sitting with the discomfort ofgiving away that control, which
(42:03):
is what it feels like before yourealize we don't actually have
it.
These are some of the ways thatwe can start to detangle from
harm.
So that's what I mean by thesecond step of detangling.
Sometimes I'll say, instead ofdetangling, de-schooling, which
can really be a similar thing,because you're really just
detangling from what you've beentold, what you've been taught,
(42:27):
what you haven't questioned.
And then the next one, afteryou have acknowledged harm and
you've detangled from it, is toopen yourself to connections.
And that's either going to behaving the space on the other
side of the detangling to noticeconnections that were already
there you just didn't noticethem, or to make connections,
(42:48):
like to really sit with thatspaciousness, with that slowed
pace, to notice something, towitness something, enough to
establish a connection.
It wasn't one that you madebefore, it wasn't one that was
sitting there.
You had the space and the timeto notice and really implement
(43:10):
that point of connection.
Let me know how that lands.
I was pushing back against myown schoolishness, the idea that
I really wish I could give youlike five specific things, and
(43:32):
whenever I can I do.
And then there are other times,like this, where it's like I
really can just offer you areasoning and you pull from it
what threads align with whereyou are, where you're trying to
go.
Yeah, so this episode 267 hasshow notes wherever you're
(43:56):
listening to this podcast.
And so we've gone over thebeginner stage and we've gone
over this from homeschooling tolifelong learning, and we're
going to continue that path nextweek as we do a little bit more
recapping of Fair of the FreeChild podcast, past seasons.
And then we're going to moveinto the for me, not them path,
(44:21):
the one that has nothing to dowith children and yet still
everything to do with raisingfree people.
As always, thank you forlistening and chat to you next
week.
Peace Audio by raising freepeople network.
And this idea of allowing them to be free makes
me kind of feel free.
My son is like I have adoctor's appointment tomorrow.
I don't want to go to schoolfor the rest of the day.
I want to hang out with you, Iwant to play my video game, I
want to go have lunch with you.
FOFC Podcast (00:16):
You heard a snippet of what I'm about to
play here, which is a messagefrom a listener who was really
just sharing with me what shewas going through as she first
started listening to thispodcast recently, and I think it
is just so honest and I couldrelate to so much of it.
When I think about my daughterswhen they were younger they're
(00:40):
now 19 and 17.
And then I also in service ofthis episode where we'll be
talking about moving away fromschool culture instead of just
doing school at home I feel likeher message here is relevant.
It's relevant for beginners andit's also relevant here because
(01:01):
we're really just going to betalking about the very same type
of thing that she's saying,which is basically like, oh shit
.
When I back up a little bit fromthe performance of being this
type of parent and making suremy child is this type of student
, I'm realizing that it'sactually more in flow and more
(01:22):
in alignment with the type ofrelationship I want to have with
my child, when I do honor theirrequest to stay home from
school, not just because they'resick, and that it invites me to
honor my own body's needs andrequests to chill out or to do
less Right, like these sorts ofthings are what we're talking
about, because the unquestioneddedication to school culture can
(01:46):
be disrupted, and when it is,we really get to move into right
, healthy, evolutionaryrelationship across generations.
So shout out to this listener.
We won't say her name, but herenergy is all up in this episode
, as is yours, as you listen,all right.
Dope Listener (02:10):
Akilah, I wish I was listening to your podcast
when my baby was in my womb.
I wish I listened to yourpodcast like before the pandemic
.
Oh my gosh.
I'm just sitting here reallybecause I'm like I was just so
(02:30):
hard on my babies at the time.
I had a first grader and afifth grader and the girl was in
fifth grade and I'm just like,oh my goodness, the creativity
that could have came out of thattime.
But I was just so focused onallowing them to do that busy
(02:52):
paper work crap that they senthome with the kids for the
pandemic.
And mad at my first grader, whohas ADHD, who decided to just
listen to the teacher while hisiPad was up and the teacher only
could see the ceiling fan.
(03:12):
Oh my goodness, if I knew whatI knew now, I would have been
like let him see the damn fan.
Hello, girl.
But that's okay.
My kids are still in publicschool and my journey hasn't
revealed to me exactly what Ineed to do with that.
My little one he wants to stayin school.
(03:34):
He's so motivated Like mom Ineed to figure this out Like I
really want to stay.
I just got one more year hereand I'm done and I'm like I've
been taking away his littlepower for such a long time and
thinking that I know what isbest for them.
And I see my mother effortswere good and my intentions were
(03:55):
good.
But what it does to the kidswhen you constantly making
decisions for them instead ofbeing a navigator and guide, or
in their life?
Because one thing I realize isjust kind of like it's futile
for me to try to control my kidsbecause the body will fight up
(04:16):
against it.
And you know, I didn't grow upwith my biological mother.
So I am just raising my kidsfrom an empty space and I'm
trying to fill my space and giveit to them.
And it's so many mistakes.
But even though, akilah, that Iwent through all of that, I
feel like myself still cameforward that even though I'm
(04:39):
mother without a map, that mapis still being created each and
every day.
And my mother mistakes did notdefine who I would be as a
mother and my kids, they'regoing to come forth who they are
.
It's going to show whether Isuppress it or not.
So why not help me that guidinglight for them, no matter where
(05:03):
they decide to school at?
And this idea of allowing themto be free makes me kind of feel
free.
My son is like I have a doctor'sappointment tomorrow.
I don't want to go to schoolfor the rest of the day.
I want to hang out with you.
I want to play my video game, Iwant to go have lunch with you
and you know before I would havebeen freaking out like you need
(05:25):
to be in school, you're goingto miss the content and all that
.
I'm just like, okay, let's dothis.
What you want to eat for lunch,come on While you watch playing
your video game, I'm going totake me a nap and I'm a lock my
hair and I'm a binge watch atelevision show.
Why are you doing your thing?
I just I'm not gonna sit andruminate on the past, but I
(05:49):
could tell you oh, my goodness,I just I just wish I knew about
this content, but my heartwasn't ready for the journey,
obviously, and it just cameright after the right time.
So I always say that my, mydaughter, made me a mother and
she makes me want to take bettercare of myself, and my son is
(06:11):
helping me uproot every lap Ibelieved about myself and
parenting.
FOFC Podcast (06:21):
You can't keep using tools of oppression and
expect to raise free people.
This episode, episode two, six,seven you will be rocking with
a sister while we go throughrecaps of seasons four and five
(06:46):
Because, as you may know, thisis the final season of Fair of
the free child podcast.
The elder is being laid to restand I really feel like it's
important to pay some attention,some naming, some honoring of
what has happened since July of2016 through August, ish,
(07:09):
september issue will see of 2023, as we do this eulogizing of
this experience called Fair ofthe free child, and Also make
sure you know what else we doing, what we rocking with, what
we're expanding, what we areletting die and everything in
between.
So this episode, we will focusin on seasons four and five.
(07:31):
I will say some names, I willtell you about some of the
themes, I might nudge youtowards some particular episodes
, and then I'm gonna move into,as promised, the details of this
particular path from homeschooling, as in just doing what
they do at school, just doingit at home, to more confident
(07:51):
autonomy Practices, right movingaway from school centric
culture.
I'm gonna talk about that thisepisode.
I will also drop in a fewaffirmations in between, because
they Showed up as I was workingwith this episode.
One of them is one that I'vebeen using for years and it
(08:13):
showed up here as I've beenworking with this episode.
And then a few others just camemore recently, specifically
around this episode, some reallygrateful for the Spaciousness
that this season is offering andthankful to be co-producing it
with Nas, formerly known asFatima, my sister in, who is
(08:35):
really with the details of this,with me this season and
reminding me that, as we arelearning how to savor this era
of our lives as women, mamas,unschoolers, de-schoolers, in
this stage of our journey in our40s, we are learning how to
trust this slower pace, how toreally honor the savoring and
(08:58):
not like worry about it or, um,say that we want it but then
still push to do a lot of things.
And you know, I'm in that spacesometimes and it's really
beautiful to be able to do thiswith Nas, because then she steps
in and is like Yo, you know,drop into the, the spaciousness,
and it's just like thank youfor the reminder, oh, my god.
So I'm grateful to be able todrop these affirmations in here,
(09:23):
as they had the space theyneeded to come through One core
theme that runs through allepisodes of this Is the
(09:43):
exploration of unschooling andits relevance to black people,
and seasons four and five, ofcourse, stayed in alignment with
that and it's so beautiful tome always in so many ways, the
way that I can see how thehealth of blackness, as I
understand it, is really justsuch an opening and point of
(10:06):
connection to so many differentaspects of people and culture
and community and relationshipand including beyond humans,
like with animals andspiritually and all of these
things.
So much of that for me isconnected to my exploration and
acceptance and expansivenessaround my blackness, and so I am
(10:32):
very much one of those peopleof the mindset that the better
off black folks are in ourcapacity to be free and safe and
happy and thriving, the morebeneficial it is for everything
and everyone else.
(10:52):
I truly have that experienceover and over, and so, as I was
Time traveling through seasonsfour and five so that I can
bring this to you here, I reallycan appreciate, continue to
appreciate, the overlapping andintersecting themes that Were
really the thread there for mewas blackness and people's
(11:15):
exploration of that.
It's like this whole thingabout raising free people,
mindful people, is is also aboutin many ways challenging
societal norms and systems, andone of the huge, evident
characteristics of of thesesocietal norms and systems is
anti-blackness.
(11:36):
So I really value that thispodcast was able to make
offerings into that particularwell of truth and reality.
So season four continued thatexploration and zoned in a
(11:58):
little bit on personalleadership and self-expression,
while also addressing thingslike mindfulness, liberation, of
course, and education, allthrough the lens of
self-directedness orself-directed education.
One of the highlights for me ofseason four was the pleasure
series.
(12:18):
That was episodes one twelvethrough one sixteen, in case you
want to move right into thoseafter this.
So those were just like veryspecific exploration around Our
relationship to pleasure.
You know, when we see ourchildren, for example, for those
of us who are parents, when wesee our children being happy
(12:42):
doing a thing, there are a lotof filters For that happiness to
come through before they landWherever they land.
For us and by that I mean Someof us that we talked about it in
the series some parents havehad the experience of resenting
we're not knowing how to accepta child being Joyous, like just
(13:03):
being in a state of pleasuredoing something that they, the
adult, didn't think was Likeproductive or useful Right.
Gaming is a big example of that, and it's not to Invalidate the
diversity of any of thesethings that we talk about,
including pleasure.
Something that someone findspleasurable may not be healthy
(13:24):
or safe Right, like all theseelements of pleasure were
explored here, and so we hadTheamonye, my good sister, hold
us sacred retreats, and Marley Iowe the movement.
Thea joined us.
We also were joined by being ajoy whose liberation work lives
in dance and movement, and I goover to that particular well
(13:48):
over and over at different timesin my life.
I'd like gravitate to be ableto move certain things through
my body, through dance.
I love her work.
Also, other good sis IvyFelicia, the body relationship
coach, founder of fat woman ofcolor, which is a community care
space around fat liberation andfat acceptance.
(14:09):
Ivy kicked it with us Episode125.
I really enjoyed thatexperience.
We covered the topic of racialequity in self-directed
education by highlighting someconversations that happened at
the liberation and educationsummit in Clarkston that was
hosted by Hartwood agilelearning center.
(14:30):
Talked about the importance ofcreating inclusive spaces and
dismantling systemic barriers,even in a space that can
sometimes assume that thosethings are not happening at a
certain level.
So really talking about what,what that meant, the realities
for the need for racial equity.
Season four also coveredde-schooling, relationships,
(14:53):
reparenting I was just havingthat conversation with another
unschooling mom this morning thereparenting of ourselves and
also older versions of ourchildren.
Hello, oh, my God, if we weredoing another season, we would
have to talk about that, likewhat it means to be such a
different parent when your kidis 20, than you were when they
(15:18):
were five or 10, and revisitingthat space right, like, yeah,
also, regenerative practices wetalked about that In season four
.
I remember episode 146, wefeatured Shavani.
Beyond David's the homie.
We met Shavani, sebastian, hisbrother Lolo oh my gosh Anna
(15:41):
Meshela.
We met in South Africa yearsago and our family's connection
remains intact despite thedistance and it's such a
blessing.
Shavani is part of a small teamthat manages Reimagine Learning
Center, a space that centersunschooling, community and
restorative practices, and thatconversation was amazing and you
(16:05):
just need to know what Shavaniis up to in the world.
If you're listening to thispodcast, you definitely need to
know about Shavani's work, so besure to check out the link.
The show notes page will havethe link to where you can follow
Shavani's work and you can findthe show notes page usually
wherever you listen into thepodcast homie.
What else did I wanna share withyou?
Oh, episode 150, dr YolandeTomlinson.
(16:30):
We had a beautiful conversationabout black queer feminism and
the black queer feministapproach to self-directed
education.
Shout out to Yolande.
In our season four finale wejoined the planted up podcast
host, val, who's also my mom.
Such a good time exploring theconnection between plant care
(16:52):
and self-care.
We talked about how, atdifferent times in our lives, we
discovered the power ofcultivating relationships with
nature as a means of nourishingourselves, because we are also
nature.
Right, that's something that Ireally need to constantly come
back to.
I am nature.
I'm not trying to be withanother thing.
I'm trying to be more of myselfin certain ways, which includes
(17:17):
the transformative selves, allthese other natural things that
I can do and I'm equipped to gothrough.
So it's so good to be able totalk with mom out loud about how
that's showing up in our lives.
That was episode 180.
And we kept the theme of theseshort run podcast series like
planted up podcast, mom'spodcast.
(17:39):
We did that all the way through.
So in season five you alsoheard from Asia Marie of she
Said we Shed podcast.
Asia, I am forever grateful foryour willingness to talk about
black mama trauma and reallypush back against these
monolithic ideas about whatblack family structures and
(18:01):
black mamas look like, so thatwe don't get to grieve our shit
because people telling us whatwe can and cannot talk about out
loud.
And I think Asia's work is likesuch a testament to the power
and connection and healing workthat can happen when you are
insistent on telling aspects ofyour truth.
(18:22):
And then we introduced the poorpodcast which was Leslie W Bray
beautiful opportunity to reallymove into what you are pouring
into, what's being poured intoyou, and it's a beautiful
acronym, just like check thatout.
In season five we also kickedit with Lou Hollis of Grief,
(18:43):
growth and Goals podcast.
Love what Lou is doing nowrunning this agile learning
space with these opportunitiesfor entrepreneurship and moving
through the business that Louknows like the back of her hand
in terms of her talent,management skills and marrying
all of those things with hercommitment to self-directed
(19:03):
education as a mother, as amember of community, just so
proud of and excited for whatLou is continuing to do.
And you can hear the details ofthat story through Grief,
growth and Goals podcast, whichis still fully accessible, and
check out the details of that.
In season five, we alsointroduced how she got free
(19:23):
podcast with my good sis,katrina Monique.
We never ended up publishingfull episodes of that podcast,
even though many were recorded,and we trust that the data the
deep, sweet, truthful data thatwe collected during that time is
meant to serve a thing, even ifit was not this version that we
(19:47):
had envisioned of that podcast.
So I'm grateful for the timeand space and we remain in touch
in harmony.
You know, doing what we do.
We did that towards the end ofseason five, continuing these
short run podcast series, butthe earlier part of season five,
which all went down in 2020,the year that COVID rolled up on
(20:09):
us like break yourself fool.
We really just continued theconversations around the themes
of personal leadership,spirituality and self-expression
and the intersection of thosewith parenting, with education,
of course, and withdecolonization.
Yeah, so that's what we werefeeling into and talking about
(20:32):
together in seasons four andfive, and I really felt like
those conversations gave us likethe type of insights into
mindfulness, stretched over intoparenting practices, including
the re-parenting of our ownselves, like whether we have
children or not also navigatingsocietal expectations period and
(20:54):
cultivating liberation withinfamily dynamics?
That's one of the main themesthat stuck out in seasons four
and five, this notion ofliberation, work, living within
family dynamics and again, notonly family dynamics, with you
as a listener being the adult,but also you as an adult being a
(21:18):
part of a family, whether it'syour relationship with your
elders or with your siblings orwith your body.
It's all about relationshipwith your body, that's mixed
into all of it, but reallyintentionally with your body.
So, cultivating liberationwithin family dynamics, within
community dynamics a lot of thatcame up and really, really
(21:41):
encourage you to get back intothat particular time portal for
2020 and 2019, for seasons fourand five.
["the World's Best?
So this focal point is aboutwhat you might notice, what you
(22:09):
might witness, what you mightlook forward to or look out for
as you intentionally shift theway that you are in relationship
with young people, yourchildren, somebody else's
children entrusted to you, yourinner child.
How you might move away fromjust doing school at home or
(22:35):
having a very schoolish approachto your thinking and your ways
to shift from that over intosomething more
liberation-centric, somethingthat's more in honor of and in
trust of lifelong learning, notcramming specific bits of
(22:56):
information and thenregurgitating it in the form of
a test or telling yourself thesame stories over and over again
from things that happened toyou in childhood and living into
the consequences of that todaywithout stopping to question
whether you still wanna bealigned with who you became as a
(23:19):
result of that thing thathappened to you when you were a
child.
So when I talk about the innerchild work, that's the kind of
focal point that I'm leaninginto here the things that shaped
who we are today, those thingsthat happened in childhood and
the ways that we stand on thosegrounds and look around from
(23:43):
that particular perspective.
What is it that you're noticingas you're doing more of this
type of work?
Listening to more things likethis, being in more
conversations, groups,gatherings, readings that are
more about how you wanna feel,what type of communities you
wanna contribute to, what waysof thinking and moving and
(24:06):
living and buying all of that,buying into what are the ones
that you're moving away from?
And for some of us, that isvery much connected to our work
with our children, ourcommitment to raising them with
a particular level of confidentautonomy and having them be, as
(24:31):
my friend Zakiya says freepeople and aware people, not
just free to do whatever, causewhatever.
But when we talk about raisingfree people, we're talking about
having a certain freedom ofmind, a certain
liberation-centric way of beingin the world, a type of
normalized sense of whatcommunity care means.
(24:54):
Because this way of raisingfree people means that we are
free to come back to some of theways that colonization and
capitalism, patriarchy, some ofthese things that have moved us
out of what was actually normalfor us and we've moved into
these newer, inhumane thingslike school and even the ways
(25:19):
that we think about money andrelationship.
Through schooling we are taughtto be in relationship with
people for what they could dofor us.
Leverage and what we could dofor them is in service of what
we want from them.
You know, leverage connectionsto climb the ladder, to shine
brighter, to stand out moreLiterally.
(25:42):
In school the point is standout, stand apart.
That's the language that's used.
And while competition can behealthy and consensual and like
really aware of what's going on,this isn't about don't ever do
this, always do that.
It's about the lean, it's aboutthe way that we are oriented
(26:07):
towards a lack of mindfulnessaround things like competition
to the point that it costs usour skills around things like
rest, because if you're incompetition mode at all times in
some element of your life, younot prioritize in rest, and we
are understanding from peoplelike Trisha Hersey and Octavia
(26:30):
Rahim and others who are doingthe work around building our
rest skills.
We're learning about the costsof that.
When you are school centric,you're not in healthy
relationship with things likerest.
You are not in healthyrelationship with things that
don't give you this definitivebinary yes or no result.
(26:53):
You try, we try, when we areschool centric, basically to
force our thoughts about peopleand situations into this space
of the defined.
Oh, I understand what ishappening, this is what's
happening.
This is a way that I couldprobably resolve it.
You know which constantlylooking for categories and
(27:17):
confines.
Right, we're looking for themall the time, and so where they
do not exist, when somebodydon't make sense to us something
they said, something, they did,something a child is showing us
or telling us then if we don'tsee those confines or parameters
or those specific yes, this isthis and this is what I do then
we put them there, place themthere, and those things, of
(27:39):
course, help to eroderelationship, healthy
relationship, building skillsacross and among generations.
So when I say, and when you hearfolks say schoolishness, what I
invite you to think about iswhere am I looking for this
(28:00):
definitive response that makessense to me, that I would say,
yes, thumbs up, I understand andI like it.
Where is it that I am forcingthat energy as opposed to paying
attention to how I actuallyfeel about it, what I tend to do
when I don't like the way Ifeel about something or I don't
(28:21):
understand something and howthat is affecting how I feel
every day and how I want to feelevery day this gap between what
, at this stage in your life, ahealthy, aligned, evolving
beautifully relationship withyourself and a person, each
person, a child and adult,whoever your job, your career,
(28:42):
what your relationship withthese important things in your
life look like You're payingattention to, whether what
you're doing each day is alignedwith that or not.
That's why, for me, thereclamation of prayers has been
such an important part of myongoing de-schooling.
(29:03):
Since we started doing thiswith Marley and Sage, me and
Kurt started doing this with ourdaughters in 2012.
I have written and talkedpublicly about my migration away
from Christianity over intoreally seeking and then
(29:24):
witnessing my own relationshipwith God, with self, with
universe.
One of the things that I didn'tknow how to do was to pray,
because I was no longer prayingto Jesus.
That's what I was taught, butthat wasn't what was real or
true for me.
So then it's like, okay, wellthen I guess I don't pray.
But then I learned over time tohave a different type of
(29:49):
relationship with prayers and Iwant to offer you this, and then
we can move back into what wemight notice, what we might
witness, what we might look outfor or look forward to as we
move away from school at home,into something else.
It's okay to pray.
(30:11):
It's okay to determine whatprayer means for you at any
particular time in your life.
Let us pray and don't just prayfast every time.
Sometimes, savor your prayers,take it slow, write it with your
(30:38):
hand if you can, record it withyour voice, if you can and want
to Really de-school yourperception of prayers.
When I did that, and as Icontinue to do that, I recognize
(31:01):
that my prayers are really thesame as my affirmations.
I treat my affirmations likeprayers outward, like vibration
to God, to universe, to aparticular person.
At times I treat them likeprayers inward, so that I can
(31:22):
remember to inviteaccountability in and notice
things and witness things.
I treat affirmations likeprayers down deep too, like to
be rooted in the truth of whathappens when the prayer comes
true.
I treat my affirmations likeprayers outward, inward and down
(31:43):
deep.
Let us pray Prayer one.
My daily choices are offeringsmeant to fortify these prayers.
What I do and choose determinesthe paths I can see and sense.
My guidance includes so muchmore than my conscious mind when
(32:07):
I make choices that align withmy prayers.
And if we want to drop a littlemad question asking in there, I
might ask you are your choicesaligned with your prayers?
Are you doing the things thatfeel aligned with these prayers
you pray in Prayer 2.
(32:33):
Affirmation 2.
My prayers need no pretense,and so my very real feelings are
present and valid.
My prayers do not center myfears or obstacles, because my
fears are fragments, often onloan.
My prayers affirm.
(32:54):
My prayers ground me in mywholeness, and so, as you are
maybe slowly backing away from adefined curriculum at home,
(33:14):
maybe as you are allowingyourself to not stay up to date
on all the things around, whatchildren need to be learning.
Maybe as you give yourself evenmore grace about not teaching a
child in your life all thethings that you think they need
to be learning and should belearning under your watch, if
(33:35):
you just slowly give yourselfthe space to not react to that
feeling with information, bygiving them information.
That is the starting point thatI recommend.
It's the one that I alsounderstand, because no one when
we first started I can't imaginethat anyone would have been
(33:57):
able to impress upon me in a waythat I believed that we should
just not give our daughters anytype of work to do.
I remember and I wrote this inRaising Free People, the book
how much Chris and I were likeshit, are we doing them a
disservice?
Are we about to make them beless smart?
(34:18):
Because now we're pulling themfrom the place where they got
all the information and it'slike those sort of things are
what held us kind of captive todoing school at home.
And so the less you answerthose feelings with action, the
more space you get in betweenthe version of yourself that
(34:41):
thinks those sort of thoughtsand the version of yourself that
understands something differentand is willing to learn and
support what natural lifelonglearning looks like those two
just need distance from eachother those two aspects of
yourself.
So each time you choose not toreact to that feeling, that need
each day.
(35:02):
As I mentioned in a previousepisode, when the girls would
not complete an assignment, wewent from enforcer to maybe more
gentle enforcer to investigator.
Investigator was also a type ofenforcer, because we
investigated to try to fix it.
I wonder why she didn'tcomplete the assignment.
(35:23):
What could we do to get her to?
Maybe we need to be moreflexible with timing.
Maybe we need to introduce amore diverse array of topics.
We went from that sort of thingto why is it that we're making
her do this thing?
I wonder why she's pushing backagainst it.
Since she does trust that we'renot giving her busy work.
(35:47):
Okay, I wonder, if she didn't doit, could she maybe learn
something else?
Or is it important that shelearn this particular thing?
If it is, does she need tolearn it now?
Am I thinking?
Does it make me just feel likeI'm doing my job?
What is this for?
What is this about?
Who is this for Right?
(36:08):
I have a question that I posed acouple episodes back that got
so much traction on Instagram inparticular Tons of comments,
many people saved it, got a lotof DMs about it.
The questions I asked are whois in my head when I try to make
my child do something?
Who is this particularperformance for?
(36:29):
That is the type of reasoningthat came up for Chris and for
me after spending some time withour daughters, but also
surrendering at first out offrustration, and then learning
to trust their resistance.
That's really what I'm offeringas my insight here that the
(36:52):
resistance that you might meetfrom a child to doing school at
home is your roadmap.
Pay attention to your responseto it, play with honoring it and
not honoring it, and see whatyou are learning and unlearning.
Also, every child is not goingto be resistant.
For some of us and that happensfrom where children and some of
(37:15):
us are adults and are stillthis way we're not going to
resist.
That's not the way we do thething.
We're going to follow itbecause it feels safe to follow
what we're used to.
If you are in the position ofwanting to switch from just
doing school at home tosomething more spacious, but you
feel like the child you have orthe child you're around needs
(37:36):
the structure, likes it, thrivesin it, then that's okay.
Unschooling is not about notdoing schoolwork.
Some children enjoy it.
Some people enjoy it.
At all stages in their lives,whether they're children or
adults, they get something fromit.
(37:56):
So if it is the case that thisyoung person is not resisting it
, roll with it.
Pay attention to the types ofthings that they want to dive
into.
Introduce other things thatthey might also add to their
structure.
Give them practice with whathappens when a structure needs
(38:18):
to change, like if they wake upand they like to do their
homeschooling work from thistime to this time.
Ask them about going to thepark or wherever at a different
time of day and see how theyrespond.
For some people, young peopleincluded, it'll be like oh great
, no problem, I'll just do thisstuff later.
For another one, it might belike no, I like to do it at this
(38:39):
time, and you could intuitivelyfeel into whether you want to
offer that as a type of lifeeducation of okay, so what
happens when shit changes andyou don't get to do exactly what
you want to do?
Life is going to give that tothem anyway, but so I'm just
talking about the shift fromhomeschooling to something else.
If you're in this earlier stageof it you might need to say you
(39:04):
might not yet be in a place toacknowledge or trust into that.
You don't have to simulatecertain life experiences.
You can trust each person'slife experience, including the
child in your life, that you donot have to be the giver of all
the experiences.
They will get those indifferent places.
You not even will always knowabout it, but you can always
talk about these things.
(39:25):
But if you're not yet there andyou want to, like we did in the
first couple of years, feellike we want to impart certain
things, then you can do littlethings like shifting the
schedule, asking about shiftingthe schedule, helping them to
navigate the emotions of okay,but I like things just so Right.
So you get to basically playwith the real personalities and
(39:50):
needs and tendencies of thepeople in front of you, the
children in front of you, you,the person in front of you, the
person you are trying to be, theways about yourself that have
developed as a result of thingsthat happened to you that you
didn't approach, you didn'tappreciate, didn't love, didn't
ask for, didn't consent to this.
(40:11):
This is again why, for me, theword savoring and this process
of invoking this saver complexfeels like such an important
part of my journey right now,including my journey as an
unschooler, a more embodiedversion of what happened in 2012
(40:31):
.
Is that this process ofsavoring is about?
As I've said here before, threeparts.
It's first acknowledging harm,and that harm can be, oh, what
I'm doing now with my child.
They did not consent to,they're pushing back in ways
that I want to pay a little bitmore attention to, or this
(40:53):
structure doesn't feel good forme.
I don't want to be doing thistype of force work with them for
these hours a day.
I don't, I don't want this, butit just feels like what I
should be doing.
Whatever the harm is.
That first part of this savercomplex is to acknowledge that.
What does harm mean to me rightnow?
Little H harm, big H, whateverit is, to name it.
(41:16):
So to acknowledge harm, andthen the second part is to
detangle a little bit from it,to start to de-school, where you
can.
If it's a little H harm thingand you might say oh, whatever
that thing is for you, you mightsay to detangle from it might
mean am I willing to sit in thediscomfort when I choose A
(41:40):
instead of B?
I'm going to pick a day thisweek that I'm just going to
really allow myself for twohours to sit in discomfort
around this particular thing.
I'm going to ask them to make achoice about a thing that I
would much rather choose, butI'm going to ask them and sit
with the discomfort.
If that's your thing, ifcontrol is your thing, then
sitting with the discomfort ofgiving away that control, which
(42:03):
is what it feels like before yourealize we don't actually have
it.
These are some of the ways thatwe can start to detangle from
harm.
So that's what I mean by thesecond step of detangling.
Sometimes I'll say, instead ofdetangling, de-schooling, which
can really be a similar thing,because you're really just
detangling from what you've beentold, what you've been taught,
(42:27):
what you haven't questioned.
And then the next one, afteryou have acknowledged harm and
you've detangled from it, is toopen yourself to connections.
And that's either going to behaving the space on the other
side of the detangling to noticeconnections that were already
there you just didn't noticethem, or to make connections,
(42:48):
like to really sit with thatspaciousness, with that slowed
pace, to notice something, towitness something, enough to
establish a connection.
It wasn't one that you madebefore, it wasn't one that was
sitting there.
You had the space and the timeto notice and really implement
(43:10):
that point of connection.
Let me know how that lands.
I was pushing back against myown schoolishness, the idea that
I really wish I could give youlike five specific things, and
(43:32):
whenever I can I do.
And then there are other times,like this, where it's like I
really can just offer you areasoning and you pull from it
what threads align with whereyou are, where you're trying to
go.
Yeah, so this episode 267 hasshow notes wherever you're
(43:56):
listening to this podcast.
And so we've gone over thebeginner stage and we've gone
over this from homeschooling tolifelong learning, and we're
going to continue that path nextweek as we do a little bit more
recapping of Fair of the FreeChild podcast, past seasons.
And then we're going to moveinto the for me, not them path,
(44:21):
the one that has nothing to dowith children and yet still
everything to do with raisingfree people.
As always, thank you forlistening and chat to you next
week.
Peace Audio by raising freepeople network.
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