Navigating Grief: Dr. Betsy Guerra's Journey of Healing and Hope

This episode of Fed by the Fruit has Dr. Betsy Guerra joining KB as she shares her profound journey of healing following the tragic loss of her daughter.

Through her heartfelt testimony, Betsy shares the transformative power of faith and acceptance in the face of unspeakable grief. She emphasizes the necessity of embracing pain as a catalyst for growth and the significance of reframing one's perspective to cultivate joy and resilience. In sharing her experiences, she not only honors her daughter's memory but also offers invaluable insights for others navigating their own adversities.

Further into this episode, we are invited to explore the depths of sorrow and the redemptive possibilities that lie beyond it, reinforcing the notion that healing, though arduous, is indeed attainable.

Through powerful anecdotes and spiritual insights, the episode serves as a testament to the transformative power of faith, urging listeners to recognize that joy can coexist with sorrow, and that healing is a journey worth undertaking.

Connect with Dr. Betsy Guerra on Instagram, check out her coaching academy at faithbasecoachingacaemy.com and pick up her book on Amazon.

Reach out to KB on Instagram and share your thoughts.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Foreign.
Welcome to Fed by the Fruit, a.
Podcast focused on nourishmentfor the mind, body and soul.
I'm kb, a spirit filledcertified life and nutrition coach
with a calling to disciplewomen who are hungry for more.
Each week we will learn whoGod is and what he wants for and

(00:22):
from us through powerfultestimonies, biblical truth, and
so much more as we fuel ourminds and bodies in ways that honor
him.
Let's get fed.
Hello, friends.
Happy Monday.
Welcome to Fed by the Fruit.
I'm so excited to be here andshare with you a very special guest.

(00:43):
I just want to quickly sharethat I was so blessed to meet this
guest, Dr.
Betsy Guerra, in a podcastingworkshop that we both did that actually
led to the birth, if you will,of Fed by the Fruit.
I remember being justabsolutely struck by the sheer joy
that she exuded.
Her smile and energy are infectious.

(01:04):
She loves the Lord with allher heart and she wants others.
Anyone who will listen to justknow that there's a similar joy waiting
for them on the other side of healing.
I was just so inspired andKnew I wanted Dr.
Betsy to share her story withmy listeners.
So I'm just so grateful thatyou're here.
Thank you so much.

(01:25):
Thank you.
I am excited to be here.
Thank you.
Me too.
You have such a powerful storyand I just would love for you to
share a little bit about your daughter.
Absolutely.
So my entire life, I had afairytale life.
My mom says that I was bornsunny side up, which means that you're

(01:47):
facing the sky.
And she's like, from when youwere born, you were looking at the
sky and dreaming and imaginingthis fairy tale that you live in.
And I'm a hopeless romanticand all the things, right?
And my life really was perfect.
I was one of four siblings then.
I dreamt of having my PrinceCharming come and rescue me in his

(02:10):
shining armor in a white big horse.
And he did.
I was literally in a layoverfrom Brazil to Puerto Rico, where
I'm from, and I had to stop inMiami and I.
I didn't meet my husband.
I recognized him.
It was like, there you are.
Like, I just love that.
And then, you know, we hadthree children.

(02:32):
It was 2013, when, when, youknow, when my story unfolded and
I had three.
We had three children.
We were happy.
Everybody was healthy andjoyful and it was perfection.
And on this August 25, 2013,we were planning on doing a barbecue

(02:57):
at my house and a pool party.
It was the end of the summerso that we wanted to finish up the
summer with A bang.
And.
Okay, let's do this.
And school had just startedfor our oldest.
They didn't go to school untilthey were in pre K4.
She was 4.
And we wanted to just have funwith the family and our friends before

(03:19):
we started construction in the backyard.
So it was this Sunday inMiami, Florida.
Sunny, beautiful.
And my husband and I were inthe kitchen when the bedroom door,
the hallway door, like, openedup and revealed our second daughter
with her beautiful curly hairand the big, bright brown eyes and

(03:44):
the big smile that she always had.
And because we lived the fairytale, every morning was like a drama.
It was like a movie.
So it was like, good morning, sunshine.
And I would open my arms, andshe would, like, come to my arms.
And I would kneel on one kneeand hold her, and she would put her
tiny little hands.

(04:05):
She was almost three.
She was two years and nine months.
She would put her tiny littlearm, hands around my neck and hug
me.
And it was, like, so deliciousand so yummy.
It was perfection.
And then I remember she wenton to daddy, and daddy grabbed her,
put her in the counter, andshe's like, okay, let's do the juicing

(04:25):
game.
He had just juiced at home, sohe's like, okay, now you have to
guess what.
What's in the juice.
And she's like, apples and oranges.
And it was like.
It was perfection.
So he's like, spot on.
And she was giggly, and he wastickling her.
It was like every day, everymoment in our lives was beautiful.

(04:46):
We didn't need to go on avacation to create holy moments and
memories.
It was beautiful.
So after that, we went to church.
It was a Sunday, so we went to church.
And we came back from church,and it was time for the pool party.
So I was in the kitchengetting everything ready for my guests.
The guests had already startedto come little by little.

(05:07):
And Mia comes to me.
I'm sorry.
Fofi.
Mia is my little one now.
Fofi.
I had three, by the way.
I had three children at the time.
So it was Chichi, who was four.
Fofi, who was almost three.
So two and nine months.
Gordy, who was almost one.
And when I say that out loud,they all sound like puppy names,
but they're actually.
And I so foffy.

(05:30):
The second one comes to me andgrabs me by the shorts, and she's
pulling at them, and she'slike, mommy.
And quier estardon de tuestes,which means, mommy, I want to be
where you're at and reallywhat she was trying to say is like,
mommy, I want you to be whereI want to be.
She's in the pool.
So I was like, okay.
Like, I stopped everythingthat I was doing.

(05:51):
We went to the pool, we got inthe pool, and at that point, it was
just us.
So my husband and I went intothe pool with.
And my oldest, my son, wasstill taking a nap, and we just started
playing.
And Fofi was super proudbecause when we moved to a house
with the pool a year prior, weput her in survival classes, and

(06:14):
she had been going to swimmingclasses, and she had just gone up
another level, and we hadcelebrated with Princess Jasmine,
and it was like a whole party.
So she was showing off, andshe was swimming for me to daddy
and Daddy to me.
And she was super, super proud.
We were proud and excited for her.
And then she's like, okay,cheerleading game.
I'm like, okay, let's go.

(06:35):
Cheerleading game was that Iwould put Fofi on one.
On one shoulder, Chichi on theother shoulder.
And then my husband would putme on his shoulders and lift me up,
and then we would, like, raiseour hands and start cheerleading
and doing all the cute stuff.
So it was just beautiful,perfect, sunny Miami day with the

(06:55):
people you love.
So more people we lovedstarted coming in, and they started
showing up, and they came withtheir kids.
Like, my friend.
My best friends and I had kidsaround the same age, so they.
They were BFFs.
So we had, like, the.
Most of the women inside the pool.
The kids were on the edge ofthe pool, like, playing with the

(07:15):
water toys.
The.
The husbands and the men werein the tiki just a few feet from
us doing barbecue.
There were a lot of peopleinside the pool, outside the pool,
surrounding the pool, insidethe house.
Looking at over 50 people inour house, just all present, having
a good time.
And then suddenly, I'm talking.

(07:36):
I'm in the pool talking to afriend of mine, and out of nowhere,
she's like, where's Fofi?
And at that point, I was like,where is Fofi?
And I don't know why I feltso, like.
Like exasperated and scaredand nervous, and my heart started
pounding, and I was hypervigilant.
I'm like, where is Sophie?
And I'm looking everywhere,and I can't find her.

(07:56):
I can't see her.
But I'm like, but she was just here.
I just saw her.
She was with her friends.
And I don't know why I wasfeeling this way, because there was
no reason for me to Freak out.
And then suddenly I lookednext to me and there she was, but
at the bottom of the pool.
So I went into the water and Igrabbed her red and white polka dot

(08:19):
mini bathing suit, like alittle body.
And I clenched her against mychest and I brought her up.
And I remember the waterwanting to push me down.
And I'm like.
And I'm like, no, no, I'm notgoing to go down.
I'm only going up.
So I was determined to gettingher out of the water.
So I lift her up and I tookher into the edge and I put her by
the edge of the pool and Ichecked her poles, and she had poles.

(08:41):
And.
And like, something came outof her mouth.
Like, foamy something.
Like, everything.
Everything feels like a blur.
But.
But I was like.
Like I.
I gave her cpr.
Like, I had one of my goodfriends who's.
Who's a medical doctor in theemergency room from the local hospital.
She was there in her house,and she came and attended to her
and called the ambulance anddid all the things.

(09:02):
My husband came andimmediately, come on, Fofi.
Come on.
Like, what's going on, mamita?
So she's like, they're allattending to her, and I just go to
a corner and I pray and I'm,lord, Lord, please save her, Lord.
Lord, you know I'm raising herfor your.
Lord, please save her.
God, please save her.
You know I'm raising her for your.
Let me finish my job, Lord,please save her.

(09:24):
Please save her.
And I just prayed and prayedbecause I was scared that he would
think for a second that Ilacked faith.
So I prayed and prayed, and Itrusted that they would take care
of her.
They called the ambulance.
My friend gave her cpr.
She still had a pause, so wewere good.
And I just.
I knew.
I knew she was going to be okay.

(09:46):
Like, I.
I just knew it because.
Because I am a woman of faith,because I was indeed raising her
for him.
And my friend.
What are the odds?
My friend's a doctor in theemergency room.
She was there, and theambulance got there in what felt
like five minutes, like, immediately.
And then we got to thehospital in five more minutes, super

(10:07):
quick.
And as soon as I entered thatroom in the hospital, I saw the medical
staff attending to my daughteras if she was their own.
And my prayer was that, God,be you the doctor.
Be you the doctor.
Let them do your work, Lord.
Like, please save her, Lord.

(10:27):
Please save her.
Please save her, Lord.
And I just prayed and prayed,but at some point, I just Couldn't
even think.
And I was like, lord, can youplease give me something that I can
repeat in prayer so that I canremain in your presence and open
to your power without havingto think.

(10:51):
Now, what came to my mind wasa scripture that I wasn't as familiar
with back then.
Now I feel like everybodyknows about this scripture, but I,
you know, I had heard it, butit wasn't something that was part
of my life.
I can do all things throughChrist who strengthens me.
And my thought was like, no.

(11:13):
That meant she wasn't going tomake it.
So I thought it was lack of faith.
I didn't think that was Godsending me any thought, any prayer.
I'm like, no.
So I kept on doing my prayer.
Lord, please save her.
God, please save her.
And as I'm.
As I'm begging him to be thedoctor who heals her, like, saves
her.
I saw a monitor.

(11:33):
And in the monitor, there weretwo lines.
There was a zigzag line, andthen there was a straight line.
When I saw a straight line, Idon't know how to read that.
So I'm thinking, like, is thatthe flat line?
Like, is that what I'm looking for?
So then at that point, I'mlike, be specific in prayer.

(11:55):
Like, I know God knows yourheart, but just be specific.
Tell him what you need, whatyou want.
So I'm like, make her heartbeat, Lord.
Make her heartbeat, Lord.
Make her heartbeat.
Please, Lord, make her heart beat.
He didn't.
Christine.
God did not make my daughter'sheart beat.

(12:20):
Just.
And now I'm speaking to you, listening.
Just like he didn't make yourmarriage last.
Just like he didn't allow forthat illness to go away.
Just how he didn't spare youfrom that problem you're having with
your child.
Just like he didn't providethe abundance that you were hoping

(12:45):
for when you worked so hardfor it.
God doesn't always do thething that we want him to do the
way we want him to do it.
And that's hard.
So I left that hospitalwithout my daughter.
And if you are a mom andyou've ever taken your child to the

(13:07):
doctor, you expect to leavethe doctor, the urgent care, the
hospital with the.
Your child, and living withouther felt like abandoning her.
Empty.
Like her heart stopped beatingand mine was threatened of stopping

(13:29):
as well.
Like, I did not think I couldlive without her.
Yes.
And that night, at some point,I managed to fall asleep in her bed,
in her room, which she sharedwith her oldest sister, her best
friend in the world.
And the next thing I know,Christine, is I am on a fetal position

(13:52):
in the bathroom floor, rockingback and forth like a deranged woman
wanting to rip my head offbecause I could not bear reality.
And I had a doctorate inpsychology from 13 years prior.
And I.
It wasn't until that momentthat I understood why people go crazy

(14:14):
sometimes.
Reality is so hard, so dark,so painful, so excruciating that
the only way you can surviveit is by disconnecting from reality.
And I saw darkness.
I felt darkness, hopelessness.

(14:34):
I didn't know that before.
I lived a life of hope and joyand faith.
And it was scary.
I don't think I could havesurvived such a life with more moments
like those.
And then suddenly, Jesushimself in the form of my husband,

(14:57):
showed up and literally,physically lifted me up.
And he, you know, I heardlater on he was like.
His thought was like, oh,gosh, you're the psychologist.
Like, if this is what you'regoing through, what's going to be
of me?
Like, if you the one who hasall these tools, like, are going

(15:18):
through this and what am Igoing to do?
And he just grabbed me andtook me back to bed.
And somehow I managed to goback to bed.
And then the next day, I wokeup to light shining through the edges
of the blinds.
And I remember thinking, like,what the.
What the heck?
World, stop.

(15:40):
Yes.
Why is the sun coming out?
Why are people going to work?
Why is, like, life going on?
Like, life goes on?
Like, why, like, my world stopped?
Can you, like, stop for onesecond so that I can.
So that, That I can grieve, sothat I can come to terms with what's
happening.
Like, world, give me a break.
Just stop.

(16:01):
But the world goes on, and thelight shines through whether you're
ready to see it or not.
And I had a lot of people cometo my house that morning.
I have an incredible supportnetwork, A lot of family that I love
and very close to, but also alot of friends that are like family.

(16:23):
And they all showed up to myhouse, and I was very grateful for
it at the same time that Ineeded some time to breathe.
So I went to my walk in closetand I hid there.
It was like my secret hidingplace where I felt a little bit safe.
So I was in the walking closetwith my husband when the priest.

(16:47):
So I'm.
I'm Catholic.
That's my background in termsof my faith.
And this priest had baptizedall of my three children.
And he's an older man, Cubanolder man with big Brown eyes.
And he's like a teddy bear.
You see him, and he's so sweetand tender.

(17:07):
He's a face of Christ.
He's like a true testament oflove, unconditional love.
So just seeing him was acaress to my heart.
And we welcomed him into oursecret hiding spot, and he sat on
the floor with us.
And my husband, who also liveda fairy tale life, asked him, father,

(17:30):
you've seen this before.
Is it possible to be happy again?
Can we be happy again?
And the priest said somethingthat forever changed my life, and
I hope it will change yours.
He said, there are some peoplewho are happy again and some people

(17:52):
who are never happy again.
The people who are never happyagain choose to honor their loved
one through suffering.
The more they grieve, the morethey're in pain, the more they cry,
the more they loved.
So they cannot allowthemselves to move forward and rise
up, because that would meanthey stopped loving the person that

(18:15):
they're honoring.
And the people who are happyagain are those who choose to honor
their loved ones through love,service, and gratitude.
And, Christine, I am happy toreport that I chose the latter that
day.

(18:35):
Now, choosing and setting anintention gives you incredible power,
and it directs your steps inthe path.
Because the path you takedetermines where you arrive.
But it doesn't happen immediately.
Because I remember, inhindsight, I know that I made that
choice because I thought, I amgoing to be like those people I'm

(18:57):
going to honor through love,service, and gratitude.
And by the way, that is whyyou're listening to me today.
Yes, because I am in serviceof you.
And that's how I honor my daughter.
But at the moment I got upfrom the floor, there was a big mirror
in my closet, and I saw thesame grieving mom who did not know
how she was going to make it,with a spark, a little spark of hope.

(19:24):
Because now I knew fromsomeone I trusted that it was possible.
And I believed him.
So I guess the first thingthat I want to say is if you are
going through your own pain,your own cross, and it doesn't have
to be the loss of a loved oneto death, it could be a loss through
divorce.

(19:45):
It could be the loss of lifeas you knew it because you were financially
free and now you'restruggling, or because you had all
this freedom and now you havea legal problem that you're, like,
having to deal with, orbecause you dreamt about being a
mom and having these healthychildren and your child has special
needs or is ill and is goingthrough difficult Times, or maybe

(20:06):
it's the relationship withyour child that is the struggle and
the challenge.
Whatever it is, it's amarriage, it's your parents, aging
parents.
Whatever it is that you'regoing through, that is yours, and
that's the greatest pain youcan experience.
Sometimes we make the mistakeof comparing pain, like, it's not
as bad as yours.
What is?

(20:26):
Because it's yours and pain is pain.
Emotions are not bigger orbetter or worse.
It's just society attributesan interpretation to it.
Like, oh, yeah, that's what.
That's worse than mine.
But pain is pain.
Yes, it's an emotion.
If you feel it, you feel itbecause something didn't go your
way, or you feel it becauseyou lost your daughter.

(20:48):
It's just, you know, so myfirst invitation, don't compare pains
and have some grace withyourself and know that if this is
your pain, this is thegreatest pain, the one that you are
experiencing.
I read in your book that youhave to discover the difference between
the suffering kind of pain andthe pain of healing.
Because the pain of healingeventually leads you to joy and freedom,

(21:12):
where the pain of sufferingleads you to more pain and suffering.
Okay, so that's a good seguefor me to share a little bit about
how I rose up to be the kindof mother who honors her daughter
through love, service, and gratitude.
Because that was a questionthat, that I was asked a lot.

(21:33):
Like, people started coming tomy private practice for grief work
and they were like, I saw you.
I saw you.
Back then, they were part ofmy parish, my community of faith,
or my kids school or something.
And they were like, I saw you.
I saw you.
I was there when it happened.
I know I was excruciating.
How do you have thiscontagious joy?

(21:53):
Like, how are you the happiestwoman I know?
Like, what's wrong with you,first of all?
Or how did you do it?
Right?
So the how was a question thatI got a lot.
And I had to think back and Ihad to reflect on how.
How did I.
Because I recognized I can doall things through Christ who strengthens

(22:15):
me.
That's how.
Right?
Like, I really didn't do it.
So I had to think back and seehow God did it through me so that
I could then teach it to my clients.
And as I did that, I was like,oh, I know how it happened from the
beginning.

(22:36):
The day of my daughter'scelebration of life, three days after
her passing, I was behind thepodium in the church about to give
the eulogy and honor her andspeak about her.
And it was one of the worstdays of my life.
My knees wanted to buckle and,like, give in, and I wanted to die,

(23:01):
like, all the things that Iwas feeling.
And somehow I stepped behindthat podium, I stood up straight
and tall.
And the first words that cameout of my mind, which were not written,
were, I am a woman of faith.
And that meant I know I'mgoing to be okay.

(23:23):
So let me tell you about my daughter.
And then the rest was about her.
And when I thought back abouthow I think God revealed to me that
moment, and I was like, that's how.
Yeah, faith.
Yeah.
Faith is how.
Yes, because.

(23:43):
Because the truth is, we can'tdo it on our own.
I.
I read.
Couldn't imagine.
I read in your book a quote.
I thought I'd die if I everlost a child.
And I just wrote next to it.
Me too.
Because I think as a parent,you don't.
You can't fully comprehend howyou could survive such a thing.
And here you are, a testamentto what God can do in your life if

(24:03):
you trust him and you havefaith in him.
And he did bring you throughhorrible pain.
And, you know, I.
As I was going back throughyour book, I'd read it, and then
I went back through to makesome notes for our chat today.
And the part about losing herwas a chapter.
And I just thought, man, it was.

(24:25):
It.
It felt like it was so muchmore because the heaviness, like
what you just go through, evenreading it as a mother, but amazingly,
it's actually, it's not.
The.
The bulk of the book is youjust honoring your daughter by teaching
others then how they can too,find joy on the other side of unspeakable

(24:47):
tragedy.
Amen to that.
Amen to that.
So in my effort to find thehow so that I can honor my daughter
through service, love, andgratitude by teaching that and using
repurposing my pain, I cameacross faith.
And I learned a lot aboutthings, a lot of things about what

(25:10):
faith means or meant to me andhow it carried me through.
So faith, as I'm going todescribe it today, has a lot of connotations.
First of all, I want to defineit, like, what is faith?
Because a lot of people think,like, oh, going to church.
Oh, being Christian orCatholic or Jewish, or, you know,
like, no, faith is believingin what you cannot see.

(25:34):
I could not see or imaginemyself happy again.
But I believed the priest.
I believed that I could andthat I can do all things through
Christ, who strengthened methat God would Give me the path,
the steps, the wisdom to stepinto that greatness that he was calling
me towards and that healingand that joy that surpassed all understanding.

(25:58):
Because I can't stand myself sometimes.
My kids are like, mom, you'reso happy.
Tone it down.
It's such a beautifulcompliment, right?
They don't mean it as a compliment.
Truly.
Don't tone it down.
You're too happy.
So, so faith is believing inwhat you cannot see.
Yes.
And.
And just believing it big.

(26:19):
In the Little Prince, the foxsays, at some point, you cannot see.
You cannot see what I'm.
This is not exactly how it is,but something along the lines of
you cannot see with your eyes.
Like, you can only see rightlywith your heart.
Like, what matters, whatisn't, what is important, is only
visible to the heart.

(26:40):
So that is, that's it.
Like, it's, it's living with the.
Like, seeing with the heart,seeing with trust, seeing with hope,
as opposed to with what wethink is, quote, unquote, reality.
Because, by the way, the.
What we think is reality isjust.0000001% of reality according

(27:01):
to quantum physics.
So what we experience with oursenses is extremely limited.
So faith is living in thelimitless possibilities that are
available to us when we stopseeing just or perceiving just with
our senses.
You said in the book, too, wenever have to lose the people who

(27:22):
died.
We can learn to relate to themon a spiritual level, to love my
daughter and feel her presence.
She didn't have to be hereafter all.
Similarly, I've never had tosee God physically, to worship him
and love him dearly.
And that is because you have faith.
Faith.
Believing what I cannot see.
Yes.
And that's.
So that's how I define it.
It's a very simple way ofthinking of it.

(27:44):
And then.
Faith in what?
Because people think like, oh,I wasn't raised Christian and I wasn't,
you know, I didn't go tochurch and I didn't learn all those
things that you learned.
So then I'm screwed.
And I say no.
Faith is like a muscle.
You can, you can build it up,you can exercise it and make it stronger.
And, and besides, you are awoman and a man of faith.

(28:06):
You are a person of faithbecause you, you have faith in yourself,
right?
Like in your ability to dohard things.
That's why you've come this far.
That's why you're the motherthat you are.
That's why, like, you havefaith in other people and their ability
to do Great things.
You have faith in your kidsand everything that they accomplish.
You have faith that they canpass the test and be successful in

(28:26):
school.
That's faith.
You have faith in the process, right?
Sometimes we go throughprocesses that are uncomfortable,
but we know that on the otherside of that process, we're going
to see the outcome that we desire.
That's faith.
So faith is faith, havingfaith in God above all things, or
whatever you call God, right?

(28:48):
Some people call it energy, universe.
Like, like, you know, I callhim God.
This, this higher power, thisbigger thing than life that's got
your back.
The ocean, if you're wavingthe ocean, this mysterious, almighty,
all powerful, infinite oceanthat is God.
Just believing in that.

(29:09):
And your book also said, whichI love on the same line.
The Bible says faith is theassurance of things hoped for, the
conviction of things not seen.
Faith is trusting that you canbe happy again, even if you're suffering
right now.
It is being confident thatyour pain will eventually liberate
you, not condemn you.
Faith allows you to have ahope for a better version of your

(29:30):
life, no matter how impossibleit may seem at the moment.
And that is faith.
And faith gives you hope.
Amen.
Amen.
So faith is all of that.
And faith is also an acronymof psycho Spiritual tools.
I am super practical and Ilove to give my clients like, okay,

(29:50):
step one, two, three, right?
It's a lot deeper.
I invite them to go deeper inthat connection with the indwelling
God.
That's why I'm obsessed withthe Holy Spirit, because we are one
with God.
So we have these infinitepowers that we don't leverage.
But in the midst of thatdeepening of their faith and their
relationship with God andtheir power, I want to teach them

(30:13):
tools.
So that's also what I wouldlike to share with you today.
Faith stands for feeling thefertilizing pain.
That's the F.
A is acceptance.
I is interpretation.
T is team.
H is habits.
So the F in faith stands forfeeling the fertilizing pain.

(30:37):
Now, I'll start with thefeeling part.
Feeling is healing.
When you're healing a scab,like a wound outside in your body
that you can see with yoursenses, with your eyes, you're like,
okay, you know when you'rehealing because you see a scab forming

(30:57):
and you know exactly what it'ssupposed to look like.
But when it's the pain of theheart, how do you measure that?
How do you know?
By feeling.
Feeling is healing.
But what do we do when we feelbad, when we feel pain?
When we're angry, when we'reirritable, when we're frustrated,
we want to escape that itdoesn't feel good.

(31:19):
And that's where thefertilizer comes in.
Pain is a fertilizer.
What are fertilizers made of?
Poop.
They're made of poop.
So pain feels like crap.
It stinks like it, too.
But pain, like a fertilizer,helps us grow, it nourishes us.

(31:43):
It helps us give fruit andflowers become prettier.
It builds empathy, resilience, wisdom.
Pain is our best friend, ifyou think about it.
And pain is hope.
Because when you allowyourself to feel the pain, knowing

(32:03):
that it's just a fertilizer,it stinks right now, but it's doing
something really good insideof you.
Then the pain is the hope thatthere's healing.
It's the scab.
It's like, oh, my gosh, I'mgetting better because I'm feeling
all this crap, right?
I'm feeling better, I'm healing.
It's walking into it insteadof running away from it.
Like, meant to that the wayout is through.

(32:26):
The only way around.
Pain is through the only wayaround it.
So in order to heal the pain,just, like, embrace it, lean into
it, feel it.
So next time your person, thepeople around you who love you so
much and mean so well, tellyou, like, don't cry, don't cry.
You got to be strong.

(32:46):
You tell them no.
Betsy told me in Christinepodcast that I needed to feel the
field, so leave me alone.
And if you're not, you're notwilling to hold space for me and
sit in this crap with me, thengo away.
I'll find someone.
Like, they mean well.
But the thing is, people arenot comfortable witnessing pain that
they can't solve, right?
Like, if you know it's hard,it's hard to sit in the pain when

(33:08):
you can't solve it.
The only thing that was goingto solve my problem was giving my
daughter, giving my daughterback to me, right?
And it was healing.
When people sat with me andlet me cry and let me crawl up in
a ball and feel that it wasthe end of the world for a second,
just hold space for me.
Let me be angry, let me curse,let me fight, let me be sad, let

(33:31):
me all the things, don't tryto change it because I was releasing
all of that.
So feeling is healing.
Yeah.
I love how you said empathy isthe ability to connect with another's
pain and the willingness tosit in the dark with that person.
You don't empathize with the experience.
You empathize with the pain.
I think that's so powerful.

(33:52):
Everyone has an experiencelosing a child, but everyone has
experienced pain.
Just so to sit with someoneand empathize with them in the darkness
of their pain is just such abeautiful gift you can give someone.
Amen.
It is the most beautiful thing.
You have no idea, Christine,how many times people would come

(34:12):
to my office and I wouldliterally stare at pain in the eyes,
and they were saying suchthings that were so excruciating
that I was like, I had nothingfor them.
I had nothing.
I had nothing to give them tomake it better.
And I had the doctorate andthe years of experience and the personal

(34:33):
experience.
I had nothing.
So if you have no words tosay, then, yeah, that's what you
say.
I don't know what to say.
I have no words to say.
And then at the end, when Ifelt totally, like, insignificant
in the process because I wasinadequate, like, I can't do anything

(34:53):
to help you, at the end, theywould be like, thank you so much.
You've helped me so much.
And I'm like, I didn't say a word.
I stood.
I stood in the pain with them.
I held space.
I.
I was willing to not run awaybecause I didn't have a solution
for them.

(35:14):
And that is healing.
So if your friend or yourfamily member is going through it
right now and you'rewondering, what can I do for him
or her?
This is it.
Do nothing except for holdingspace, sitting there, allowing them
to be and feel.
That's it.
That's.
That's.
Just be there.
And if it's you the one goingthrough it, then train the people

(35:35):
around you to be there foryou, but don't escape it, because
escaping is the route to suffering.
And you mentioned that there'sa difference between pain and suffering.
Pain is the pathway to healingand joy, because peeling is healing.
So when you feel the pain, themore you feel, the more you heal.

(35:56):
And pain is also only the path.
It's never the destination.
So if you're feeling pain,you're in route.
You.
You haven't arrived.
You're.
You're.
You're not there yet.
Yeah.
So that's hope.
That's hope.
When you're like, okay, I'mfeeling pain.
Okay, so there's.
There's a surprise.
There's a surprise waiting onthe other side.
I haven't arrived.
This is not it.

(36:16):
Yes.
So.
So that's pain.
Now suffering is when pain starts.
Ceased to do the thing that itwas supposed to do and it became
the destination.
So I always, I always jokewith my clients and my students.
I have a, I have the faithBased coaching academy, which is

(36:37):
where I train people who arelike service driven and faithful
and love God and they justwant to be a better version of themselves.
They're lifelong learners.
Like, I teach them how to becoaches, whether it's for themselves
and their loved ones or as a career.
And it's, it's by doing psychospiritual work.

(36:58):
So I teach them the PhD leveleducation in psychology and how to
connect more deeply with Godso that they can be a vessel.
And so it's a personaldevelopment program, but it's also
a life coach certification.
And I joke with them that,listen, pain is a fertilizer and
it's good for you, right?
Like, it stinks, it stings,but it's good for you.

(37:19):
But the thing about poop isthat although it stinks, it's warm.
So when we get comfortable inthe warmth of being in suffering
and pain because it's so mucheasier to grieve and just feel the
pain and be angry and beirritable and be miserable and bitter.
It's so much easier than tomake like, go against it and make

(37:42):
violence against it, like, beviolent towards it and be like, no,
you don't.
I reclaim my power.
You have no power over me anymore.
Right?
Like, and if we think inspiritual terms, like, you just rebuke
the enemy and you say like, noroom for you, no room for you.
Like when, when, when painstarts becoming the destination,

(38:03):
when hopelessness startscreeping in, when we start hearing
ourselves say, like, I'm nevergoing to be happy again.
This is never going to end.
I'm always going to have avoid in my heart and I'm never going
to be able to make money.
I'm never going to get, beable to get out of the, you know,
out of this pit.
I'm never going to find anyoneto love me again.
Whenever we think that thesituation we're in is eternal, we

(38:27):
stopped feeling pain and wewere dwelling in suffering.
We got comfortable in the poop.
And beware.
Because I always say there'stwo ways, two routes to suffering.
There, there's dwelling in thepain and getting too comfortable,
but there's also evading it.
So when you evade the pain,you think like, oh, out of sight,

(38:49):
out of mind.
No, no, no, no, no, that's nothow it works.
When you evade the pain, whathappens is it becomes stronger and
deeper and out of Your awareness.
So now it's even harder to address.
I love analogies.
So what I teach my students tounderstand this is you.
When you are.

(39:10):
Think of pain as a.
As a seed.
So a seed is thrown into yourlife, into your terrain, you know,
your land, where you're planted.
And you have the option, assoon as it happens, to grab that
seed, hold it in your palm, inthe palm of your hand, look at it,
touch it, feel it, just sitwith it.

(39:33):
Right?
Like, that's the equivalent offeeling the pain.
Like, you're feeling.
You're connecting with it.
You're embracing it.
You're allowing for it to,like, go through you.
Or you could be like, I'm noteven gonna touch.
I'm not even going to touch it.
I'm gonna ignore it.
And you just let it be.
And you go distract yourself,and you go work out, and you go have
a drink or a bottle of wine oryou go shopping.

(39:59):
But what happens is that.
That didn't go away.
That's still there.
That seed, it's still in the.
In the.
In the ground that you.
That you're.
That you live in, that you'recentered in.
And that seed with theelements, the rain and the sun and
the wind and the thing, it'sgoing to move from where it was,
and it's going to dig deeperinto the ground.
So now it goes into the soilof who you are.

(40:21):
And.
And now.
Now you don't even know whereit's at.
Yeah, you don't.
You don't even know that it's there.
You're like, oh, maybe it wentaway or.
Because I'm not feeling it anymore.
I'm not seeing it anymore forus, for a moment.
But no, it's just diggingdeeper and deeper and deeper into
the.
Your ground, into the ground.
And then as time goes by, thenit starts growing roots.

(40:42):
So now it's rooting itselfinside of you and you.
And you're not even aware ofit until a weed comes out and you're
like, whoa, what is that?
Why am I feeling anxious whenthere's nothing to be anxious about?
Or why am I so depressed whenmy life is perfect?
Or why am I so.
So psycho about, you know,like, worried about where my husband

(41:03):
is and what's he doing and insecure.
I'm feeling so insecure.
Or why am I so self consciousabout my body and I'm not loving
myself?
When you start seeing thoseweeds come out in the form of experiences
and emotions that you gothrough with no apparent reason,
that's an indication thatthere was a seed that you never addressed,

(41:24):
that you never allowedyourself to process.
And emotions are the languageof the body.
So the moment that the emotionenters your body, if you don't release,
digest, if you don't chew it,swallow it, digest it and poop it,
it's still in your body.
And then that's when, oh mygosh, I have this neck pain or this
back problem, or I have thesegut problems lately, or I have an

(41:47):
ulcer.
There's a reason for that.
It's not all physiological.
It's emotions stuck in your body.
So when you escape pain, itdeepens and it creates roots and
ramifications that are thengoing to be harder to get rid of,
not impossible.
So if you're there, don'tworry, we got you.

(42:09):
But that's avoiding pain leadsto suffering.
But it is such a hard thing to think.
I'm going to choose pain rightnow so that my path to hope is, you
know, come sooner.
My path to joy is sooner.
But it's.
The pain is so deep and heavythat it's so difficult to choose

(42:30):
it.
But it truly is.
I think Glennon Doyle saidthat in her book the only way out
is through.
And I've always rememberedthat, like, you have to walk yourself
into the pain as hard as it isif you ever want to get to the.
The other side of it.
And what you're choosing is joy.
What you're choosing is healing.
What you're choosing is love.
What you're choosing is hope.
It's just that pain is thepath, right?

(42:51):
So maybe like even reframingthat, like, I'm not choosing pain,
I'm choosing joy.
But the only way around it is through.
So let me get through it toallow to arrive at my.
So good.
I can't wait to get to reframing.
But yeah, that's so good.
So the A in faith stands for acceptance.
And acceptance means wesurrender, we relinquish the resistance

(43:18):
that oftentimes creates morepain than the original cause itself.
So for me, I'm going to repeat that.
Acceptance is letting go ofthe resistance that oftentimes creates
more pain than the originalpain itself.
So for me, resistance lookedlike it wasn't supposed to be this

(43:42):
way.
She was supposed to bury me.
I was raising her for God likeI was.
She was supposed to be a goodgirl, like, amazing person who, who
thrived in life and societyand made a difference and had a purpose.
And like, it's releasing theexpectations I had and the paradigms
I had about how life issupposed to be but wasn't.

(44:06):
It's acceptance is the epitomeof it is what it is.
And we get to welcome what isas is.
And Eckhart Tolle took it astep further.
And I remember when I firstheard him say this, I think it was
in the power of now.
He said, we must acceptreality as if we would have chosen

(44:26):
it.
And I remember at that momentbeing like, mm, mm, mm.
That's a tough one.
You know, I would have neverchosen this, but I wanted to believe
and I wanted to understand it.
I knew that.
I knew that I couldn't graspwhat he was saying.
So I was still open to, like,exploring and getting curious about
what that would look like.

(44:48):
And now I know, Christine.
Now I know because God isinside of us.
And there's a part of us thatis God one with God.
Think about it like the HolySpirit dwells inside of us.
Yes.
Which means where does he endand we begin?
We are one with God.
So then we do have thealmighty power of choosing life.

(45:10):
And maybe at the higherspiritual level, we allow for things
to happen in our lives or we,we, we, we.
We attract him.
We, whatever the word.
Right.
Like, it's.
It's a.
It's a deeper thing that I.
Even I can understand.
Right?
So maybe we do create these.
Allow these possibilities forourselves, that higher version of

(45:31):
ourselves that connect.
That's connected to God,because the higher version of ourselves
knows what's going to lead usto our greatness.
And the most excruciating painof my life was losing my daughter.
But the experience of havinglost my daughter was the most incredible

(45:52):
blessing I've ever received.
Because as a result of that, Iknow I haven't just heard or read
about it.
I know the peace thatsurpasses all understanding.
I know the joy that is notdependent on what happens or doesn't
happen.
I know the power of God.

(46:13):
I know what it means that Ican do all things through Christ,
who's true strengthens me.
I.
Most people die and neverlearn that.
Amen.
I know that because of this.
And I never lost her.
My prayer was, lord, pleasesave her.
Please save her, Lord.
Please save her.
And so he did.
Yes.
Amen.
Oh, gosh.

(46:34):
Yeah.
You said there's a part in thebook where I think you say if God
doesn't intervene, there ispurpose in it and there is purpose
in this.
And.
And even though it's so hardto see and so hard to want to believe,
like you see, like the purposein all of it.
And that's just such anincredible place to be.
Oh, man.

(46:54):
So good.
He's so good.
He really is.
He is good.
God is good.
So acceptance is surrender.
Acceptance is.
This is what is.
You welcome it.
You don't have to like it.
Yes, you just welcome it, youaccept it.
And I literally didn't knowhow to do that.

(47:16):
So I remember being.
I accept this moment exactlythe way that it is.
That's what I would repeatmyself that to myself, I accept.
I gracefully accept thismoment exactly the way that it is.
Like, lord, help me accept.
And what happens is that whenyou stop fighting reality, because
every time we fight againstreality, we lose.
Every time I say, like, itwasn't supposed to be this way.

(47:37):
Well, it is.
She was supposed to bring me.
She didn't.
Like, every time I fightagainst reality, I lose.
So I expend my limited energy.
Because when you're grieving,you're not operating at your 100%,
even physiologically speaking.
You need some time to.
Some space and energy to heal.
And your energy is limited.

(47:58):
So when you accept, accept,mindfully, radically, intentionally
accept, you don't wait toarrive at acceptance one day.
When you go through all thestages of grief.
No, when you chooseacceptance, you begin to heal because
you're no longer using orexpending your energy to fight that

(48:21):
which will never change.
Now you're able.
Now you have all your.
If you're operating at a 50%because that's all you have right
now, that life is hard, thenyou're using all of that 50% to heal
and to rise.
We have resurrection powerinside of us and we're tapping into

(48:41):
that resurrection power.
When we let go of acceptance,when we surrender, when we say, God,
I don't know how to do this.
To me, acceptance is likeopening the door to God and saying
like, come in, come in.
Turning on the gps, tellinghim, like, my intention, my desire

(49:02):
is joy.
Having joy again andexperiencing hope.
So that's where I want to gonow I'm turning the G.
So you enter the destinationin the GPS joy.
And then you sit back and youwait for guidance.
Turn, turn left.
So it's surrender does notmean you don't do anything.
Surrender means you only takeaction that is guided by the indwelling

(49:26):
God, by the Holy Spirit.
So turn left, turn right.
Recalculating.
Make a U turn.
That's not it.
I like you.
You, you.
That's when the, the work begins.
Yes.
That's when you're asking for guidance.
Guidance but if you're in yourhouse, like, I want to go to Joy,
but oh, my goodness, that caris so hot.
And in Miami weather, like,it's not even going to cool down

(49:48):
enough when I turn on the ac.
And it wasn't supposed to bethis way.
I don't even like that car.
Are you going somewhere whileyou're sitting waiting?
No.
When you get in the car andyou turn on the GPS because you let
go of.
Accept the resistance, at thatmoment, your journey begins towards
healing.
Yes.
There's a part where you said,if you experience anxiety or lose
sleep over a decision, don'tgo for it, regardless of how much

(50:11):
sense it makes.
If you feel peace, despite howpainful that choice may be, think
no more.
It reminds me of that.
Like, if he's saying, go left.
Even if that.
If he's saying, then you go.
You go left.
Peace is the language of God.
That's how we know.
That's.
That's the answer of God.
Like, oh, what should I do?
So he doesn't.
At least with me, other peoplehave had this experience that I'm

(50:32):
really jealous of them.
But with me, he doesn't cometo me, betsy, this is what you need
to do.
He just gives me peace.
Yeah, okay, yeah, I'm gonna dothat then.
Yeah.
Or robs me of peace.
And I'm like, okay, no, no,no, no.
I can't make that decision.
Yes.
So acceptance is letting go ofthe resistance that oftentimes causes
more pain and prevents youfrom moving forward towards healing

(50:54):
and joy.
The I in faith stands for interpretation.
Everything in life is neutral.
Everything in life is neutral.
So if we think like, oh, ismoney neutral?
No, money's great.
No more money, more problems.

(51:14):
Right.
Like, it's the root of all evil.
Money is great if you use itfor good.
If it's not your master.
In fact, if you master it, youknow, money's great.
But I have a client who everytime he makes a lot of money, he
cheats on his wife.
He does more drugs.
Like, a lot of drugs.
And he drinks a whole lot.

(51:35):
Like, more than he needs to.
Like, so, like, money.
Like, the meaning of money forhim is like, I don't.
You know, I become another person.
I become a monster when I.
When I have more money.
So money is neutral.
Shakespeare said, nothing iseither good or bad, but thinking
makes it so it's.
All about your life.

(51:56):
Cancellation of a flight.
Oh, if I got canceled, good orbad, people think, oh, that's terrible.
Well, if you were going on awork trip, that you didn't want to
go on because you were goingto miss your daughter's first recital
ever, and they cancel the trip.
You're like, let's go.
You call your boss and like,sorry, I can't go.
I'm so sad I can't go.
And then you go and rush toyour daughter's recital, and it's

(52:19):
the best thing ever.
But if you were taking thatflight to go see your son graduate
and there's no other flightafter and you miss it, it's the worst
thing ever.
So it's what you make out of it.
It's how you interpret thething that creates the experience
of that thing.
Traffic.

(52:40):
Oh, traffic sucks.
Or, oh, my goodness, trafficwithout the kids in the car means
I get a break.
And I have silence, solitude,and stillness.
And I can breathe, and I cantalk on my mom, and I can call my
grandma, and I can listen tothis podcast.
And you can reframe.
That's in psychology.
It's called reframing.
When you change theperspective with which you look at

(53:00):
something into a positive one.
So you can change theperspective of.
Of the situation.
But, Christine, how do youreframe losing your daughter?
Yes.
How's the question?
And I remember asking myselfthat question because I was the queen
of reframing.
And I.
I was like, okay, if it canwork with everything else, it.

(53:23):
It must work with this, too.
And I remember the day Idecided that I was going to be.
I was going to go from beingthe grieving mom who lost a daughter
who moped around town, and.
And you could see it in herand in her energy.

(53:44):
Yeah.
To.
I am the chosen mother of anangel, and I am VIP in heaven.
And my daughter is so cutethat she goes to Jesus and she grabs
his.
His.
His robe, and he's like.
She's like, jesus, can youhook up my mom with this?
And Jesus looks at her andhe's like, you're so cute.
Of course, my love.

(54:04):
Of course.
I'm gonna give you whateveryou want.
What do you want?
What does your mom want?
Like, so I'm.
I've told myself all thesestories, stories of, like, how I'm
like.
I'm like, mary.
Mary was a chosen mother of God.
I am the chosen mother of forfeit.
Like, God chose me to gothrough this ghost.
God chose me to rise andresurrect, just like he did after

(54:28):
such a loss and such a death.
And I'm like, I must be his favorite.
God is not supposed to havefavorites, but that's Me, I'm his
favorite.
And it's gone from, like, why me?
I could, like, I'm thegrieving mom who lost daughter, to
like, I'm so lucky.
So now, like, when people meetme for the first time and they hear

(54:51):
about my story, their firstthought is like, oh, poor thing.
Yes.
And my first thought is, poor you.
You didn't get to go throughwhat I've gone through.
Do you know the peace and thejoy that surpasses understanding?
Not conceptually, like, for real.
The experience of it.
Do you know it?
I got you.

(55:11):
I know it.
And I know how to get peoplethere, too.
And I know this.
Like, you think people believeme because I have a doctorate in
psychology and 25 years of experience.
No, Christine, they don'tbelieve me because of that.
They believe me because Iwalked the talk.
They believe me because.
And I hear this every day ofmy life.

(55:33):
Well, if you could do that, Ican do this.
That's why they believe me.
Yes.
So God gave me the gift.
Yes.
Of pain.
Yes.
So that I could connect withthe people he had assigned to me.
And he gave me the gift ofthat desire I had the first day after
losing her, of honoring herthrough love, service, and gratitude.

(55:57):
He gave me that desire in myheart, which led me to the purpose
he had for me.
And can everybody in thisworld, can you listening say that
you are living in purpose,that you're living in alignment with
your purpose?
I can.
And I know how to show youhow, because I went through this.

(56:20):
So when you reframe, when youreinterpret losing your daughter
to VIP in heaven, chosenmother of an angel, get to live in
purpose while honoring her.
I never have to miss her againbecause I have.
We have such a strong bond and relationship.

(56:41):
I'm with her all the time.
I have to wait for my kids toget out of school and camp, to see
them, to hold them, to kiss them.
I get to be with my daughterall the time.
I, I get to feel her presence.
I get to feel her love.
I, I understand that lovetranscends death.
I didn't know that before.
I thought for me to love mykids, I had to be cute and do Christmas

(57:03):
shows and get good grades andmake me proud.
Right.
I, I, I love her more than ever.
And she's not doing anything cute.
Yeah, well, I still imaginedoing cute with you.
I mean, pulling on Jesus'srobe, getting.
I know, right?
So I is interpretation.
And then I'll go super quickthrough T and H because I don't want

(57:25):
to hold you guys hostage too long.
But T stands for team, andteam is surround yourself by the
people who are where youdesire to be.
So if someone's a few stepsahead of you, then learn from them.

(57:48):
Surround yourself by peoplewho are going to allow you to heal
by allowing you to feel.
Surround yourself by peoplewho elevate you, who strengthen your
faith, who remind you thatthis is just the path, not the destination.
And if you're hiringprofessionals, if you're going through
a divorce and you're hiring anattorney, hire the attorney who's
in alignment with your values.

(58:09):
If your desire is to preservethe sacredness of your family.
And then hire someone who'sgoing to protect their family, not
someone who's going to makesure he strips everything out of
your ex and screws him overand builds resentment and bitterness
in the relationship.
Just choose the therapist, thecoach, the financial advisor that

(58:32):
are in alignment with yourfaith, that are connected to the
version of you that you knowhas the possibility of rising.
Once this is.
Once you've.
You've gone through the pain.
Yeah.
And that's important.
We sometimes don't realize,like, if you're with someone who's
like, negative, and I remembersomething as crazy as this, like,

(58:55):
you know, things that aredressed and disguised as good for
you may be dangerous.
I went to speak at a grievebereavement group of parents who
had lost their children.
And I was know, coming with my.
It was only a, like a yearafter my loss.
Wow.
It was pretty recent.
But I, you know, I had this hope.

(59:16):
I had.
Faith is my superpower.
So I came with this, like,reframing and like, light and hope.
And there was a lot ofresistance in the environment.
And I felt it and I was like,oh, my gosh.
Like, I felt like a.
I don't know, I felt super outof place.
But I was like, let's go.
Let's do it.
And at the end, everybodyintroduced themselves and they introduced
themselves in the light oftheir loss.

(59:38):
Yes.
Oh, I'm, you know, I'm thisperson and I lost my daughter 10
years ago, and I lost my son12 years ago to.
To suicide.
And I still haven't gotteninto his room.
And I lost my daughter to, youknow, she choked up in a piece of
meat in a restaurant.
And.
And, you know, and I justrealized that we're part of a club
we never chose to be a part of.

(01:00:00):
And when I heard that, I waslike, no, I'm not going to be part
of that club.
I'm not gonna be part.
I'm sorry.
I refuse.
A club is a place that youchoose, that you want to be a part
of.
I'm not gonna be part of that club.
I'm gonna make my own.
And that's how Hurt to Hopewas born.
I have a program that is Hurtto Hope, and then I have the book.
But I was like, no, I am not.

(01:00:22):
I'm not a griever.
I'm a hoper.
I'm a hoper.
I don't define myself by thepain or by the way I lost my daughter,
by the thing, the hard thingthat I went through.
I define myself by how I roseabove it.
That's right.
I.
No, I don't want to be part ofthat club.
I wrote it down because it wasso powerful.
I'm not a griever.
I am a beacon of hope becauseI have grief.

(01:00:45):
Amen to that.
I said that.
That sounds.
You said that, girl.
You said that.
Good job.
So.
So.
Surround yourself by peoplewho shine bright.
Yeah.
And.
And.
And will, like, by lighters.
Such.
Surround yourself by lighters.
Yes.
They shine bright with theirlight, and then they can ignite yours

(01:01:07):
so that you can uncover thatgreatness within.
And then before we get tohabits, I just want to drive home
that point one more time.
The more we loved a person welost, the more we must mourn.
Is not true.
It is not a testament to howmuch you loved a person by how long
you stay stuck in suffering.
That's.
That's.

(01:01:28):
That is getting comfortable inthe fertilizer.
Right.
It's not honoring your loved one.
Pain is right.
Like allowing yourself to feelthat pain.
But not the kind that leads to suffering.
The kind that leads to healing.
Yes, man.
So good.
So good.
Okay.

(01:01:48):
Habits.
So habits is being mindfulthat when we are grieving or going
through adversity.
And by the way, like, we'veall grieved because grieving is loss.
Like.
Like, it's the emotion thatyou experience when you have lost
something or someone.
And we all have lost something.
We lose something every day.
Like, you seem like, oh, youcan't see, but if you saw me, you

(01:02:11):
could see that I don't useBotox, and I have wrinkles in my
forehead, and I'm grieving my youth.
You.
So we grieve.
We grieve like youth.
We grieve life as we knew it.
We grieve our kids that wentaway to college.
We grieve like.
Like everything.
Like the kids not being little anymore.

(01:02:32):
Yeah.
We grieve like, every Daywe're losing something.
We.
Everything we've ever lost,that is grief.
We think grief is just losingsomeone to death.
So the ancient habits.
So when we grieve, we don't.
We're not operating, you know,we need some time to like recover.
Like we've.
When we're going throughdifficult circumstances because nothing

(01:02:56):
is smooth, we deplete a lot ofour adaptation energy, like the energy
that we use to cope, to managesituations, to discern, to make decisions.
We have limited of that energy.
We have less.
We operate at a lowerpercentage of, you know, so when

(01:03:18):
we are mindful of protectingour habits or when we build habits
that support us from the usualones that we think about when we
think of habits like eatingwell, when you eat well, you don't
feel bloated and tired andsleepy or you're in a sugar coma.
You feel better, you feellighter, you feel more energized.

(01:03:38):
That helps you.
Because if you emotions areenergy and they have a vibration
and like a frequency, itactually has been measured, and depression
and sadness, all thoseemotions are very low.
Vibrating shame is the lowest,it's the worst.
Guilt, very low vibration.
And those emotions hang outwith like vibrational emotions and

(01:04:03):
they attract like vibrational experiences.
So when you're going through adifficult time, you're going to be
really low.
And nurturing habits that aregoing to elevate your mood is going
to offset and support youthrough that journey that you're
in that it has to be lowbecause you're feeling the feels

(01:04:25):
in order to heal.
Then at the very least, you'renot feeling super tired because you
had so much sugar and you'renot feeling bloated because you ate
whatever you're not supposedto eat and you're moving your body
so that you're releasingendorphins and you're releasing emotions
too, right?
Because emotions are thelanguage of the body.
So when you're walking andmoving your body, you're releasing

(01:04:46):
some of that.
So all those habits supportyou deeply without you even realizing
because they're elevating andlifting up your mood when it's hard
to do.
So when the last thing youwant to do is make a healthy meal
or move your body, it justneeds to become a habit to make to
eat a healthy meal and moveyour body, right?

(01:05:08):
Yes, right.
So now the.
And those are some of the habits.
But there's also laughter,there's also silence.
That to me, like if I had, ifI had to invite you to what was like
if you asked Me, if you couldonly do one of the things you've
ever done to maintain yourpeace, to be happy again.

(01:05:35):
I would say the habit ofsilence with God, which is meditation.
Or there's a practice calledsilent prayer or centering prayer.
That is a meditation byconsenting to the presence and action
of God within you.
Right.
So it's meditation includingGod in it.
And that's it.
That if I had to choose justone, that's what I would do every

(01:05:59):
single day of my life.
I go to the chapel.
My kids go to Catholic school,so I drop them off and I go right
there, I get off, I go to the chapel.
And it started with five, 15to 15 minutes.
And it's evolved into 30 minutes.
And if I could do 45 minutesor an hour, it's like the best day
ever.
Yeah.
So I literally sit, I listento scripture first to like, you know,

(01:06:21):
because I'm busy from themorning, like to like, kind of like,
like calm down a bit.
And then I just practicesilence in the presence of God.
And it's, it's, it's the mostincredible habit.
Like, it's, it brings mepeace, it brings me wind, wisdom,
clarity, energy.
Oh, I can't even tell you.
It's the best therapy.

(01:06:41):
And it's free.
Free.
Yes.
Even better.
Amazing.
Yeah.
So that's a very powerful habit.
And the science also behindthis, Christine, is that when you're
grieving and you're operatingat a lower percentage, your prefrontal

(01:07:02):
cortex, which is the part ofthe brain where all the executive
functions take place, likethinking, decision making.
That's why you're like, Ican't even think.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what decision to make.
And you may feel overwhelmed is.
It's full, it's full to capacity.
You have too much on your plate.
So the more you get things outof the prefrontal cortex into the

(01:07:25):
basal ganglia of the brain,another part that's in charge of
the automations, the habits.
The more you move things outof there into the other part of the
brain, the more space youcreate to be able to heal, to think,
think with clarity, to makedecisions that are going to lead
you to your purpose.

(01:07:45):
So, and creating habits fromnow, don't wait till you're in it.
Right.
Don't wait till you have it.
Yeah.
You can't wait to feel like it.
You said in the book, webecome what we repeatedly do.
We are grievers if all we dois grieve.
But we may Become joyful andfulfilled human beings if we simply
change what we do consistently.
So good.

(01:08:06):
I know.
I'm just reminding you howgood you are.
I wrote that I was.
I was inspired.
I know I was inspired by theHoly Spirit because there are times
that I read some things, I'mkind of like, did I.
Did I say that?
Was that me with my hand?
I love that.
But it's true.
You said it's crazy howpowerful our thoughts can be, because
just because we think itdoesn't mean it's true.
And I've said that.
I.

(01:08:26):
I have a life coachingcertification, too, and it's one
of the things that I say allthe time.
You don't have to believeeverything you think.
Think.
Amen to that.
Thoughts are just sentences.
Just sentences.
Yep.
So good.
I mean, that's so amazing.
I just am so grateful that you came.
I'm going to quickly see ifthere's anything else you.

(01:08:49):
One of the things that yousaid, what happened yesterday cannot
affect us today unless we let it.
And I think we forget that wehave that much control.
We really do.
We think it's just like whathappened to us.
It's like, out of our control.
But we are in such control.
And you just gave so manyexamples of exactly what to do when

(01:09:10):
you hope you proactivelypursue the outcome you seek.
I am free from suffering, eventhough I continue to experience pain
and hardship.
And I think that's both.
Things can be true.
You can be free and happy, andyou can still experience pain and
hardship.
In fact, you will on the otherside of healing.
And then the last two littlethings that I just have to say, you.

(01:09:32):
You.
It's like you inviting in pain.
You said, come on in, my dearpain, do your thing and help me heal.
Thank you for your lessons andthe virtues you bestow upon me to
elevate my life.
And I don't think most of uswould think about pain as a.
As welcoming in pain as a wayto elevate our lives, but it really
does.
The only way out is through.

(01:09:54):
And lastly, I'll say your last.
Your last sentence.
My name is Betsy Guerra, andI'm the happiest woman on earth because
I have endured loss.
For that, I am grateful.
And.
Wow.
I know.
Incredible you got through all that.
I mean, it's just such abeautiful thing.
And what a beautiful purposethat her precious life was that you

(01:10:18):
are able to now, because ofher, go on to help so many people
get through the most difficultthing that they could ever imagine.
So thank you so much for being here.
I normally ask people, what'syour favorite Bible verse?
But I think Philippians 4:13is the verse of the day.
It's so good.
And then I just want to giveyou an opportunity.
You have a podcast coming out.

(01:10:39):
You have a coaching course.
You are incredible.
So where can people find you?
So my main website isbetterwithbetsy.com and my Instagram
is Better with Betsy.
My Facebook is Better with Betsy.
And LinkedIn.
You can also look me up asBetter with Betsy.
And then the faith basedcoaching academy.com is the official

(01:11:01):
website of the program, butit's also on Better with Betsy.
So you just remember that.
And podcast launches.
Podcast.
Oh, the.
The podcast.
Yeah.
Yes.
I am so, so excited about this podcast.
I put so much love into it.
Yes.
So my podcast is Faith andGrowth, the Faith and Growth podcast.

(01:11:24):
And it's on.
It's already on Amazon Music,on Spotify and Apple, and the way
you look it up is Faith and Growth.
Betsy Guerra.
G U E R R A Perfect.
I'll link it all in the show notes.
It's going to be amazing.
I'm so excited.

(01:11:44):
Yes.
Subscribe.
So you right.
Just absolutely go do it right now.
Subscribe to Faith and Growth.
I already have 10 episodesrecorded and they're so beautiful.
I have.
I'm surrounded by incrediblepeople, so I cannot wait to share.
I cannot wait to listen.

(01:12:06):
I cannot wait to listen.
Well, you have blessed us.
You're such a blessing in thisworld and I just am so grateful.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Have a beautiful day.
What an incredible story thatBetsy just shared with us.
I am in awe still of just herstrength and her faith and gosh,

(01:12:28):
I just think this will be oneof the most powerful testimonies
ever shared on this podcast.
And I'm so grateful that shewas willing to share it with us.
With that, we are in a new month.
We are into July, andtherefore we have a new verse of

(01:12:48):
the month, a new memory verse.
So this month our memory verseis Romans 8:28.
And we know that in all thingsGod works for the good of those who
love him, who have been calledaccording to his purpose.
The promise here that Godworks all things together for good
does not mean that all thingstaken by themselves are good.

(01:13:13):
Some things and events aredecidedly bad, much like the story
we just heard.
But God is able to work themtogether for good.
He sees the big picture andhas the master plan.
Romans 8:28 is about God'sgoodness and our confidence that
his plan will work out as hesees fit.
Since his plan is always good.

(01:13:34):
Christians can take confidencethat no matter our circumstances,
God is active and willconclude things according to his
good and wise design.
With this knowledge, we canlearn to be content.
So Memory Verse For JulyRomans 8:28 and as a bonus, you can
memorize Betsy's favoriteverse, which was Philippians 4:13.

(01:13:57):
I can do all things throughChrist who strengthens me.
Have a great Monday.
Later, if this podcast blessedyou, please share it with a friend
and hit the subscribesubscribe button so you never miss
an episode.
Leave a five star review onitunes and come hang out with me
on Instagram.
Ed by the Fruit.

(01:14:18):
I'd love to connect with you there.
And most importantly, I'll seeyou right here next week.
Come hungry, get fed.