112. From Binge to Balance

In 2013, weighing 193 pounds, I was caught in an endless cycle of gaining and losing the same 20 pounds despite exercising six hours daily. At my heaviest, I had reached 309 pounds. Food was my solution for everything—my way of stuffing down emotions in a family where we never discussed feelings or learned healthy communication. As a child, I soothed myself by sucking my fingers until age 12. I had no stable identity, defining myself only in relation to others. Consumed by fear, doubt, and insecurity, I obsessed over others' opinions while compulsively trying to fix everyone's problems. My dieting began at 15 with a weekly Thursday weigh-in, followed by weekend binges. Working at a grocery store gave me both money and dangerous food access. In college, I met my future husband and gained 35 additional pounds. After college, in the year before our wedding, I lived above a bakery, and my eating behaviors only worsened. Our marriage struggled because of my dishonesty about both food and finances. After adopting a five-year-old boy from foster care, I built my identity around motherhood. When he left for the boarding school where my husband taught, I felt completely lost. Realizing I needed help, I found Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA), where I met two women with decades of recovery who showed me another way. I found boundaries, structure, and community. Today, despite my husband's leukemia diagnosis and my son's chronic health issues, I face life without fear. One day at a time, I've maintained my abstinence and my weight loss of over 100 pounds. It has been eleven years since my last binge.

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