A father speaks, after the day has passed

I’ve known some great fathers, my brother Philip for one, my nephews Will and Douglas, my friends Mark and Tony and Sandy and Fred. Patience is one of their virtues, optimism, a willingness to look the other way: in other words, a sense of humor. Had I been a postal clerk or a plumber, I’d’ve maybe been a better father but I got engrossed in show business and for a few years was fairly popular and was gone a lot and they grew up fatherless. They have done pretty well on their own, all three of them, and I claim no credit. It is what it is. But when the National Fatherhood League gathers for its annual banquet and the bestowing of the Papa awards, include me out. Same with Uncles’ Day and Cousins’. But I am working on being better at husbanding, and I think she notices: I get near her and smell sandalwood and chamomile oil and that stuff goes for thousands per ounce. I must be doing something right.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:20):
A father speaks after the day has passed. The third
Sunday of June is Father's Day, and if you forget,
that's okay. We fathers don't expect to be celebrated. We
only want to be forgiven. Our contribution to creation is

(00:42):
rather small. Some necking in a few minutes of pleasure.
Then we fall asleep. And it's the mother who provides
room and board for nine months and pushes them down
the chute and does most of the worrying. Mother's Day
in May is a major occasion, while Daddy Day is

(01:07):
often overshadowed by National Nanny Day or Cleaning Lady Day.
The most prolific father of all time was Shirley Solomon, who,
according to scripture, had seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines,

(01:28):
which would surely keep a man well occupied on evenings
and weekends. Just remembering their names and birthdays would take
a concerted effort. And if the song of Solomon is
any indication, where he says, how beautiful and pleasant you are,

(01:48):
oh loved one, with all your delights, How much better
is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your
oils than any spice, he must have been quite enthusiastic
in the bedroom, so it's reasonable to assume he fathered
thousands of children. But in his Book of Proverbs, Solomon

(02:16):
is not so euphoric. Fatherhood weighs on him. He says,
my son, if sinners entice thee, consent thou not. Walk
not thou in the way with them. It's a long
way from the fragrance of your oils to consent thou not.

(02:39):
This is a father talking. Don't hang out with jerks.
Nothing good happens after midnight. I don't want to hear
that kind of language around here. Fatherhood has not changed
much since then. You're enjoying a fragrant woman, and the

(03:01):
next thing you know, your daughter comes downstairs in a
translucent blouse. Yikes. And when we come to Solomon's Book
of Ecclesiastes, we find a rather weary man, not the
same guy who was sniffing his naked wife and smelling cinnamon.

(03:23):
He writes, the thing that has been is the thing
that shall be. There is nothing new under the sun. Well,
I felt that way myself. Suddenly one day you realize
you're tired of sausage pizza, and you wouldn't care if

(03:43):
you never saw another toasted bagel in your life. Even
the root beer float has lost its appeal. I have
to admit that I will never like w C. I
will never read Moby Dick. Solomon lived twenty five hundred

(04:05):
years before we Protestants came along. We believed that we
were something totally new and astonishing. We were the Enlightenment.
We brought in science. We saw that the sun was
the center of the solar system, not the Earth. And
we did away with superstition and papal infallibility and the

(04:30):
divine right of kings. And we brought in democratic principles,
carbonated beverages, analgesics, baseball, abstract expressionism, cheeseburgers, and Google. But
when you google, Solomon, you'll find whoever increases knowledge increases sorrow.

(04:55):
So much for the laptop, computer, and the cellphone. Cast
your bread upon the waters, and you shall find it
after many days, Solomon said, does anyone understand that who
wants soggy bread? In the Advent story, Joseph is a

(05:21):
mere bystander off to the side of the blessed Virgin Mary.
There is no blessed Virgin Joseph in the story, just
a carpenter a handyman. When Jesus grew up, he gathered
twelve men around him, most of them single. There's no

(05:41):
reference to any one of his disciples being attracted to
the spiciness of a naked woman. I've known some great fathers,
my brother Philip for one, my nephew's Will and Douglas,
my friends Mark and Tony and Sandy and Fred. Patience

(06:04):
is one of their virtues optimism, a willingness to look
the other way, in other words, a sense of humor.
Had I been a postal clerk or a plumber, I'd
have maybe been a better father. But I got engrossed
in show business and for a few years was fairly

(06:24):
popular and was gone a lot. And my children grew
up fatherless. They've done pretty well on their own, and
I claim no credit for it. It is what it is.
But when the National Fatherhood League gathers for its annual
banquet and the bestowing of the Papa Awards include me out,

(06:51):
same with Uncle's Day and cousins. But I am working
on being better at husbanding. And I think she notices
I get near her and smell sandalwood and camomeal oil,
and that stuff goes for thousands per ounce, so I

(07:17):
must be doing something right. Furry Home Companion Christmas to
Saint Paul, New York and Galveston, Texas celebrate the December
Holidays with music, sketches, the news from Lake Wobegon, and
a whole lot of holiday cheer. Tickets are on sale.
For details, click the events page at Garrison Keeler dot
com