A primer for my friends of middle-age

There is always an excuse for not exercising, a religious prohibition, some hereditary syndrome that makes you feel desperate when you breathe hard, an allergic reaction to your own perspiration, but these can be overcome with help. My excuse is that I hated high school phy-ed with a passion, the chin-ups, the rope climb, the running somersault, the running dive over the horse, the wrestling, the ridicule and the bullying, and I despised walking naked into a shower with other young men. I still do. After I graduated, I made it a point not to join other naked men to take showers. When invited, I have declined. If this is a favorite activity of yours, I do not judge. For some men, this may be the high point of the week. Don’t say this is self-loathing on my part because it isn’t: it’s the other men I loathe, not myself. And it’s not homophobia. I have many gay male friends and they do not undress when they come to my home. I am perfectly okay taking a shower by myself or with my wife on very rare occasions such as my 70th and 80th birthdays, the Feast Day of the Assumption in August and on October 27, the day on which Jack Morris pitched the Minnesota Twins to a 1-0 victory in the 7th game of the 1991 World Series.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:14):
Some lessons are best learned slowly rather than all at once,
such as don't attempt to move rapidly indoors after darkness,
especially if it's not your house. It has led to
grief for numerous persons, few of whom will ever tell

(00:39):
you about it, so it's a lesson you'll have to
learn on your own, which is the best way. I,
for example, have learned do vigorous exercise while you still can,
because if you don't, then you can't jump jacks. For example.

(01:01):
One day they're a piece of cake, and so you
figure why waste the time, and then you try to
do one, and it's very humorous. Same is true of running.
One day you can lope along like an elderly but
still respectable antelope, and then one day strangers will stop

(01:26):
you and ask if there's anything they can do to help. No,
there probably is not. There's always an excuse for not exercising,
maybe a religious prohibition, some hereditary syndrome that makes you
feel desperate when you breathe hard, maybe an allergic reaction

(01:52):
to your own perspiration. But these can be overcome with help.
Use is that I hated high school. Fayed hated it
with a passion, the chin ups, the rope climb, the
running somersault, the running dive over the horse, the wrestling,

(02:18):
the ridicule, the bullying, and I despised walking naked into
a shower with other young men. I still do. After
I graduated, I made it a point not to join
other naked men to take showers. When invited, I have declined.

(02:42):
If this is a favorite activity of yours, I do
not judge. For some men this may be the high
point of their week. Don't say this is self loathing
on my part, because it isn't. It's the other men
I loathe, not myself, and I'm not homophobic. I have

(03:04):
many gay male friends, and they do not undress when
they come to my home. I'm perfectly okay taking a
shower by myself or with my wife on very rare occasions,
such as my seventieth and eightieth birthdays, and the feast

(03:27):
day of the Assumption in August, and on October twenty seventh,
the day on which Jack Morris pitched the Minnesota Twins
to a one to nothing victory in the seventh game
of the nineteen ninety one World Series. Nonetheless, I do

(03:49):
exercises every morning and it makes me feel good, and
feeling good is the point. Another lesson to learn over
time is a feast should be taken in moderation and
always followed by an effervescent sodium by carbonate people, even mature,

(04:18):
intelligent people with advanced degrees, have sat down at a
groaning board to platters of roasted wildlife and savory tubers,
coagulated milk, protein, leafy grains and cruciferous delicacies and baked desserts,

(04:42):
and in the joyfulness of the moment, perhaps someone has
commenced from an institution other than a penal one, or
perhaps someone has had a memoir published or been declared
innocent by a jury of his peer years. The diners
overestimate their capacity. Some people experience this on a regular basis,

(05:10):
and I understand there is treatment for it. And I
also feel there is such a thing as saying no,
thank you and pushing the plate away. I'm doing that
this morning. I love staking eggs for breakfast, and I

(05:32):
am not having it this morning. I last had it
three weeks ago. I am still living. There Usually is
someone who can do something better than you can, and
the time comes when you should let them do it.

(05:52):
This happened to me. My wife Jenny took the car keys.
She's terrific driver. The world is better without a man
with poor vision careening around the roadways. I honestly believe
this to be true. We grow wise with the years.

(06:16):
This is the theory. God has blessed this country lavishly.
Brilliant immigrants have come for freedom from the fevers of
Europe and the grinding poverty of leftover colonial empires. And
their ingenuity and spirit and wit, and their adoration of

(06:40):
this new world have enriched us each and everyone. Diversities, diversity.
We simply are a diverse and fascinating assemblage of wonders
and oddities, dreamers and floaters, four h belly acres, Unitarians, Contrarians, Librarians, Egalitarians, Wagnerians.

(07:08):
A person walks through town and never lacks for entertainment.
God bless American. He has done so before, and we
still need it. Just released a Prairie Home Companion's fiftieth
anniversary two CD set recorded live at the Fitzgerald Theater.

(07:30):
Garrison Keeler and the Gang celebrate with music, sketches, and
of course the news from Lake Wobegon. Get to tales
at Garrisonkeeler dot com.