The old man's lecture about manners

Six a.m. at the MSP airport, a February morning, long lines of sleepy travelers snaking their way toward Security, and I approach the scanner and a TSA lady sees that I haven’t removed my shoes and says, “You’re not over 75, are you?” and I say, “Darling, you’ve made an old man very happy,” and she smiles and says, “My pleasure.” I go through the scanner and a TSA guy pats down my back and underarms and I say, “Are we having fun yet?” and he says, “It’s a laugh a minute.” Two simple exchanges, two moments of fellowship.Garrison Keillor Jason Keillor, Engineer Jason Keillor, Original Music

This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit garrisonkeillor.substack.com/subscribe

Episode Transcript

(00:07):
Believe it or not. I usedto be rather cool, which was before
you were born, probably, butI have pictures. I was aloof and
enigmatic, unsmiling, and I likedthe monosyllabic. Someone said, it's a
beautiful day to day, I said, right, flat tone, irony.

(00:30):
My dad was a friendly guy whoalways made small talk with clerks and waitresses.
OU, how's it going then?But I found this embarrassing, and
I stood apart from him, sopeople wouldn't know we were related. That
was long ago, and a personlearns by experience, and now I'm so

(00:54):
far from cool, I wouldn't knowif I saw it. I'm an advocate
of cheerfulness. I believe in goodmanners. I like making small talk,
just as my dad did. Sixa m. At the Minneapolis Saint Paul
Airport a February morning, long linesof sleepy travelers snaking their way towards security,

(01:19):
and I approached the scanner and aTSA lady sees that I haven't removed
my shoes, and she says,you're not over seventy five, are you?
And I say, darling, you'vemade an old man very happy,
and she smiles and says, mypleasure. I go through the scanner and

(01:42):
a TSA guy pats down my backand under arms, and I say,
are we having fun yet? Andhe says it's a laugh a minute,
two little exchanges, two moments offellowship. I'm old enough to remember the
pre terrorist time when you walked uninterruptedto your gate, no questions asked.

(02:07):
And now long lines of flyers ladenwith baggage listened to screeners barking orders,
and a TSA sniffer dog walks alongthe line, giving it a sort of
prison camp feel. And this makesit all the more important to be cheerful,

(02:30):
and to say good morning and thankyou to the agent who stops me
to search my briefcase and find thelittle capsules of eyew wash. It's a
bleak hour, but you say goodmorning to the clerk at the coffee stand

(02:52):
and the gate agent, and itimproves your own mourning inch by inch.
And I say it to gloe youngmen, just like the man I once
was, and it confuses them.I happen to have a grim, grave
digger's face, the result of growingup with the Book of Revelation, and

(03:15):
my wife reminds me often smile,so I try and standing in a long
line at six a m. InFebruary is not a unique personal experience.
I've read stories about Nazi death campsand inmates who did their best to encourage

(03:37):
others and maintain their humanity in theface of evil, and when they lost
this cheerful urge, it meant thattheir spirit was extinguished and the end was
near. I see a young womanhead for the conveyor belt, and her

(03:59):
lurking gait shows some sort of braininjury, but she is very focused on
putting her stuff in the bins andcleaning out her pockets. She appears to
be unaccompanied. She also seems quiteproud to be on her own as she

(04:20):
strikes the correct pose in the scannerand the TSA woman pats down her hips
and back. The girl follows directions. The TSA woman puts an arm around
her and says something, and thekid grins. It was a beautiful little

(04:45):
scene of civility. If this youngwoman can make her way cheerfully in the
world, and what right do Ihave to feel abused none whatsoever. The
young woman collecting her stuff at theend of the conveyor is dealing with life
cheerfully, and this strikes me asthe height of heroism. So when I

(05:13):
hear a woman behind me say,this is the last time I fly early
in the morning. This is justunbearable, except she put another word ahead
of unbearable. I turned and Isaid, did you hear about the guy
who was afraid of bears in thewoods? And she shook her head.

(05:38):
Well, his friend told him thatif a bear chases you, just run
fast, and if the bear getsclose, just reach back and grab a
handful and throw it at him.And the guy says, a handful of
what? Oh, don't worry,it'll be there. It'll be there.
Oh, for God's sake, shesaid, And then she laughed. It

(06:01):
was a real laugh. She said, I can't believe that you told me
that joke. I said, Icouldn't believe it myself. She said she
was going to Milwaukee to see herbrother and she intended to tell him that
joke. So we got into alittle conversation about Milwaukee. She said,

(06:23):
have a nice stay, and Isaid, I'm having it. Want to
see Garrison in person? There areplenty of chances, as he criss crosses
the country doing fun packed shows soloor with other Prairie Home favorites track his

(06:45):
schedule under the events tab at garrisonkeetherdot com.