What Remains: Rupert Callender on Grief, Rituals, and Redefining Funerals

In this episode, we talk with Ru Callender, author of What Remains: Life, Death, and the Human Art of Undertaking. Ru shares his personal experience with profound childhood loss to becoming a self-proclaimed radical undertaker. We also discuss the impact of grief at different life stages, how participation in funerals can be helpful for children, and reimagining rituals to accurately reflect the life of the person who died.

Main topics:

• Parental Loss and Early Grief: Ru reflects on the loss of his father at age 7 and his mother in his 20s, sharing how these defining losses shaped his perspective on death and grief.
• Boarding School and Emotional Austerity: The impact of being sent away shortly after his father’s death.
• Becoming a Radical Undertaker: After a chance encounter with a TV program, Ru was inspired to challenge conventional funeral practices and embrace more personal, inclusive rituals.
• Children and Grief: Why including children in funerals can be helpful, offering them tangible ways to process and revisit their grief.
• Radical Funeral Planning: Ru’s vision for end-of-life ceremonies, including his own desire for a midsummer funeral pyre, and how he helps families create ceremonies that resonate deeply.
• The Role of Grief in Life: How grief manifests and resurfaces, and the creative ways Ru has processed his own grief through rituals and art.

Resources Mentioned:

• What Remains: Life, Death, and the Human Art of Undertaking by Ru Callender
• Dougy Center’s grief support resources: www.dougy.org

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