June 25, 2025 • 32 mins
My bestie, Sara Leonard, is back on the pod for a quick catch up! We talk about our timeline vs. God's timeline, Sara entering her 3rd decade, and she vulnerably shares about her fertility journey.
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Follow me on Instagram:
Kathryn @kathryn_benko
Heart + Sole @heartandsolepodcast
Sole Fitness @sole_fitness
Subscribe to our new YouTube Channel and WATCH all episodes!
Follow Sara on Instagram: @sara.i.leonard
Follow Sara on TikTok: @sara.i.leonard
Sign up for the Sole Online Training App!
Use coupon code 'SOLE20' for 20% off your first month!!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to the Heart and Soul Podcast with Catherine Banko.
I'm on a mission to celebrate breakthrough, empowerment and shameless
living in the lives of women everywhere. Join me and
let's live unashamed together. What's going on, everybody? Welcome back
to Heart and Soul Podcast. I bet you thought the
podcast was over because I stopped releasing episodes for a
(00:22):
couple of weeks.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Let me tell you what. I'm not going anywhere.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
I'm not going any I'm back, baby, and I'm back
with the one, the only, the infamous, reoccurring guest, Sarah Leonard.
Speaker 3 (00:33):
That's me, friend of the pod, Welcome back.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
If you're watching on YouTube.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
I'm sorry for my appearance because I just got done
coaching and I'm like somehow pale again, Like.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
I was literally just hand. But here we are.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
I'm gross, shameless living. Sarah, Thank you so much for
joining me.
Speaker 4 (00:55):
Thank you for having me on. We were due, we
were due for a little chit chat.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
We were due for a classic staring kitty cat. Never
call myself that.
Speaker 3 (01:04):
I never heard that.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
I heard staring kitty gat chitty jet. Yeah, so last
time we spoke, I think you had you quit.
Speaker 3 (01:13):
I was.
Speaker 4 (01:14):
I was believe or had just left my full time job.
It was either March or April, which feels like it
was six months ago, but it was only like two
months ago.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
How why don't you give my listeners an update, like
how are you doing posts?
Speaker 3 (01:30):
I'm feeling really good and.
Speaker 4 (01:34):
It's wild that it was only two months ago, and
I was chatting with some gals at Soul this week
just that I hadn't seen in a while that I
think it's just because we've been so busy. My husband
and I went to France. It was my first time
to Europe. It was a really big trip for us,
and it was amazing and magical and I can't even
(01:59):
believe that, like we had that dream of a week.
I went on a little girl's trip with my best detay,
and then my niece was born, which was so exciting,
and we had family here for about two weeks, so
it was I feel like these last two months have
(02:20):
been like like the as you know, like leaving my
job was like a difficult decision for me to make.
What I've been able to live in experience the last
two months in like ways, I was able to like
be there for family or go see my own family
(02:40):
were really big blessings that I think I wouldn't have
been able to have her experience in the way that
I did. And so I also turned thirty. I'm in
the thirty club, thirty thirty, and you guys made me
feel so special and love and it was amazing. And
(03:03):
also I processed a lot of emotions through Durny thirty.
So I think like having the time and space to
like approach that birthday and come out on the other side,
like with some new perspective and taking some steps just
(03:24):
like in my health journey, and like taking care of myself.
Speaker 3 (03:29):
It's all, you know, It's crazy how things.
Speaker 4 (03:31):
Work out when we're like I don't know what I'm
gonna do, and then it's like can.
Speaker 3 (03:35):
You just can you just trust for two seconds?
Speaker 2 (03:38):
Literally?
Speaker 1 (03:42):
How was the processing going of turning thirty?
Speaker 2 (03:47):
How'd that go? Would you process?
Speaker 4 (03:48):
Would I?
Speaker 3 (03:50):
What's that?
Speaker 2 (03:51):
Would you learn?
Speaker 3 (03:52):
When I learned?
Speaker 4 (03:53):
I So everybody knows that I love my birthday a lot.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
I really believe that he's not kitting. I'm not kidding's
so serious. It's a national holiday.
Speaker 4 (04:05):
Yeah, I mean it's some my friend's favorite holiday too,
And I just love celebrating life. I highly recommend listening
to our episode around my birthday last year and just
like why that why it's important to me in terms
of like my own personal journey and story. But this year,
(04:29):
there was something about approaching a new decade at a
time in life when there's a lot of transition. I
feel like for women our age specifically.
Speaker 3 (04:41):
Around this age.
Speaker 4 (04:42):
Like becoming a parent, or you're making a big career
change because you've been in you know, let's say your
job or career field out of college for a little
while now, and it just feels like there's like big
life changes, yes, and that I felt like I didn't have,
(05:05):
And I was like approaching this birthday feeling like or
actually I think more reckoning with that.
Speaker 3 (05:12):
I was putting trying to put.
Speaker 4 (05:14):
My identity in like late labels in like what I'm
doing or what I have or what's on a resume
or like, oh, I'm not a mom, I'm not a
you know, project manager, I'm not like I didn't feel
like I had like a title, and it was really
(05:34):
difficult to process that and like work through I think
like the anxiety of like approaching a new decade when.
Speaker 3 (05:45):
I I think I maybe I had.
Speaker 4 (05:47):
Pictured my life a different way, but then when I
was really sitting in it and zooming out, my life
was everything that I would want it to be in
more ten years go, Like the fact that I'm just
like alive and breathing and I can run, and I
have friends and a husband, and I can travel and
(06:09):
like go to the beach.
Speaker 3 (06:11):
Like that's more than I ever thought would be possible.
And so I think I was getting.
Speaker 4 (06:18):
Very distracted by like the worldly like titles and labels
that we put on ourselves, and it was just being
really hard on myself, honestly.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
So, yeah, well I think you are I know you
are not behind.
Speaker 2 (06:35):
You're right where you're supposed to be.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
Yes, And we always put our own timelines on life,
and God laughs, he says, literally, you little demies, I'm
in control. And your timeline, although it might be precious
to you, it's not the ultimate timeline. And it doesn't
matter because I know way more what's going on behind
(06:58):
the scenes and what's going on around that I need
to you to wait on this or whatever. So and
like thirty, I know, like it's such a monumental age
and it's like obviously hindsight's twenty twenty.
Speaker 2 (07:09):
But like I look back and I'm like a child.
She was a baby.
Speaker 3 (07:14):
She was a baby. I'm like yeah, Like I'm like
I'm young, still young.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
Your baby, You're such a baby. I like couldn't even
wait a husband till I was twenty nine. You know,
like you are living, you know, yes, And I think
that it's a lot easier for you to see what
God's doing when you have like more freedom and you
were so like booked and overwhelmed, and it's like probably
a fresh perspective for you, hopefully to like have some
(07:40):
time to actually sit and like recognize what God's actually
doing in this season.
Speaker 2 (07:45):
So I think you're killing me.
Speaker 4 (07:47):
Well, I appreciate that, and I love you, and I
completely agree.
Speaker 3 (07:52):
And I think that's why maybe.
Speaker 4 (07:55):
I was really struggling approaching the birthday as well, was
because I was pre burnt out by the time I
did leave my job and just like all the life
things that had filled up my days, and so there
was a lot of like release. There was a lot
of I think things that I had probably been blocking
(08:15):
with work or with just trying to fill my free
time with like anything and everything to not pay attention
to some things that I needed to and so yeah,
I'm very I'm very grateful that I've had that time.
I feel so blessed in my life and like I
(08:38):
I could not imagine like a more amazing life that
than I have.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
But I like, day to day schedules are so busy
and distracting that it is crazy how much we missed,
just like going through the monotony of one activity to
the next. Yep, And it's got to be like even
yesterday when I called you, I called Sarah about like
(09:05):
I was venting about something and I called you and
like I started crying on the phone. It's like I
in that moment as I'm crying to you, and then
I'm crying.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
To the girl that I whatever. I'm crying a lot.
Speaker 1 (09:18):
Yesterday, and I'm like I have not cried because I
have not even allowed myself to think or like take
a pause and like think, like what do I actually feel?
Speaker 2 (09:28):
And last week someone asked me.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
How are you, and I go, I don't know, Like
I think I'm okay, Like I really haven't even had
time to think about how i am because I'm like
so busy and sometimes it's like so nice to just
be like I'm not busy, Like I can actually process
and think and like and cry and like experience feelings
when they're happening instead of just like bottling things up
(09:52):
and going from one activity to the next.
Speaker 2 (09:54):
So what a blessing you undred percent?
Speaker 3 (09:57):
And good cry. Sometimes we need a good cry.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
I get it out, good cry. I don't know if
I've told you, but I've had like rage.
Speaker 1 (10:06):
Ever since classic ever since I had ever since I've
had cocoa. My hormones when I'm like pre mensural, my
PMS hormones are like ragey, and my curates are really
heavy now, and so something's like wrong obviously, And I
(10:27):
have an appointment today, yeah, to get blood work done,
like a hormone panel or whatever the lad place, And
I cannot wait to see how I can temper this rage,
because like it's like I don't feel, I don't feel,
I don't feel, and then like I hit PMS and
I'm just like angry and I'm like, what happening?
Speaker 4 (10:48):
Well, I think that's great that you're going to like
hopefully get some answers, because there is like nothing worse,
as we know, to have something going wrong, like in
your body where you're like I think, like consciously we're like,
what is happening? Like I don't I don't want to
feel this way. I'm like what's going on? And then
subconsciously it's like, Okay, something's not right.
Speaker 1 (11:10):
No, Like my brain in the moments of like anger,
it's not like I'm like hitting anyone or anything like that.
It's just like I feel like I feel like the
character and inside out that gets like really red and
fire comes out of him when he's angry. That's how
I feel internally when I'm like doing this. So it's
like I'll be in the moment of like extreme out
(11:31):
of body experience and I'll be like literally saying in
my brain to God, I don't know what to do
to stop this, right, Like, I don't feel like I
have any tools to stop this, and I know this
is wrong.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
I know what's wrong, But why am I not stopping it?
I don't know how.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
So I think it'll be good to like, you know,
get some answers, hopefully, and like at least if like
my estrogen's low or I don't know what's going on,
but we need to get on top of that. And
speaking of getting on top of our health. You had
a very important Yes.
Speaker 3 (12:01):
I had a very important, very important appointment.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
Can't an appointment?
Speaker 4 (12:09):
Yes today, And yes, I did want to share with
all of our listeners if you're struggling with fertility, where
I'm at in my journey, because I know people being
open about their journeys and stories is so encouraging to me.
So I preface this probably also processing in the last
(12:35):
year as I approached this age, like I'm really scared
to miss carry again. I'm really scared to get pregnant again.
And even just saying that out loud feels like a
relief to just put words to it.
Speaker 3 (12:49):
And I think I was like ashamed.
Speaker 4 (12:51):
Of that for an odd reason, to be scared and
to be fearful, but it's it's not fun and to
to lose that way, and I really had to like
reckon with a lot of feelings. I We're going one
(13:12):
appointment at a time, and I have a great new
ob and yesterday we had an ultrasound of like three
D imaging of my uterus, of my ovaries, and thankfully
everything ultrasound photo.
Speaker 3 (13:31):
Wise like looks normal. I do have a cyst and
I do have.
Speaker 4 (13:36):
Like extra follicles, on one ovary and so next what
we are going to do is a laproscop laperscopsy, I
don't know how to say.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
That word, but spy or something laproscopy and I did too,
I can't remember though, I can't remember.
Speaker 4 (13:55):
And they're gonna, you know, go through my stomach and
look in my for scar tissue and my fallopian tubes
because you can't see the Filippian tubes on the ultrasounds,
and so they're gonna get in there with the little
cameras and make sure everything is clear, and gonna get
some blood work done for genetic testing, just to see
(14:19):
if there's anything like going on that is preventing pregnancies
from keeping. And I'm feeling really optimistic. I think this
is the most optimistic I've been. And it feels good
to take control, not take control, and like a like
(14:40):
this is gonna go the way I want it to,
but like control in terms of like there are tools
that are at my disposal to get the answers that
I need, and that is what's going to help the
fear is like if I have all the information, so
I feel like I'm in a good place to start
to get the answers and I'm restarting prozac. So we're
(15:05):
excited about that because I feel like I've been a
little underwater, a bit low interest and energy, and like
I want to get to a place where, like, you know,
we're ready to rock and roll, you know, hopefully when
it's time for us to be parents. And I feel
(15:26):
like taking steps in the right direction medically is.
Speaker 3 (15:32):
Feeling good.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
Yeah, I'm proud of you.
Speaker 1 (15:35):
It's very big too, and hard to take that first
to schedule that first appointment because sometimes like the fear
of the unknown is like literally paralyzing, and you're like
almost like well if I don't go, then I won't
know if there's something wrong with me, and it's like
ignorance is bliss. But yep, that first appointment is always
(15:55):
like the scariest thing the schedule, and then you get
through it and you're like, oh, like one you find
out you're very normal, Like this is like so common.
These are things that like so many women go through
that we don't talk about. And also it's nice to
be like to have a step as a type a person,
I'm the same one. I need a step and you
tell me what to do next so that I'm not
(16:15):
just like living in like gray land of no answers.
And also what you said about like being scared to
like get pregnant is so real. Like I remember I
got when I got pregnant with Will's it was my
third pregnancy, and I called my friend Parker shout out
if she still listens to this podcast, and I was
like all I said, yeah, you know, Parker, I didn't
(16:40):
even tell Michael. I called her because she had been
through miscarriages and I knew she would get it. And
I just literally she goes hello, and I go, this
is gonna be explicit. There's gonna be an e on
this episode because I go shit, and she goes, you're pregnant,
and I was like, yeah, I'm terrified, Like I'm not excited,
and like that's like really sad that that like innocence, uh,
(17:00):
and like the innocence is robbed a view of the
excitement of getting pregnant because of the drama. So it's
like totally relatable for you to be like I'm link scared,
I don't even want to get pregnant.
Speaker 2 (17:10):
Like yeah, that's so real and very common.
Speaker 1 (17:15):
Like the more the more I talked about it, the
more like dms I get from like random listeners or
people who are just like, hey, I just found out
I miscarried and like it's my second time, and I'm
feeling like this and I don't want to get pregnant again,
and what did you do?
Speaker 2 (17:29):
And it's like so common. It's like I wish we like.
Speaker 1 (17:32):
Could all just talk about it a little bit more
freely so that women could feel less alone.
Speaker 2 (17:37):
So I'm glad that you actually said that, because.
Speaker 4 (17:39):
Yeah, a lot of people and I think, like it's
a hard For a while, I didn't even think I
knew that's what I was feeling. And then the second
I like just so simply was like I'm terrified, and
that was an it Like I was like, oh, that's
a really big piece of this is that I'm scared,
(18:00):
and yeah, that's okay.
Speaker 3 (18:02):
And as I'm learning.
Speaker 4 (18:04):
Like still, as you share your story about anything, you
just learn like it unfortunately is a universal experience for
a lot of people, and yeah, it's it's okay to
be scared. I think it's what I want to say
to people is like it's okay to be terrified and
(18:26):
then also still be hopeful. Yeah, because that's what keeps
us afloat a lot of days. It's just like, you know,
our however our family is meant to come together or exist,
is going to happen, Like I know that for sure.
Speaker 3 (18:44):
So that's a very come.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
Also, that whole thing, I'm sure, Like now that I
have two children on Earth, it's like going back to
that hindsight.
Speaker 2 (18:55):
Is twenty twenty.
Speaker 1 (18:55):
Like, oh, when I was thirty, I thought I was
in the world, and the I'm looking back in my
house at a baby's same thing with like once you
have your babies, you kind of look back and you
like start to not necessarily understand why, but understand that
what you went through was not without purpose, you know,
but like you don't see it when you're in it.
(19:17):
You're just angry, you're sad, you're depressed, you're all the things,
and rightfully so, and like I don't know, like now
I can look back and kind of see a little
more purpose in his plan.
Speaker 2 (19:30):
Do I like the plan?
Speaker 1 (19:31):
Not necessarily like kind of wish it was something I
did not go through, but I can see purpose in
it y, which makes it worth going through.
Speaker 2 (19:39):
I guess does that make sense?
Speaker 3 (19:41):
One hundred percent? Yeah?
Speaker 4 (19:43):
And I know like when we meet our children here
that they like they are meant to exist here with
us and like we're that that is exciting to me,
Like that makes me excited if like, Okay, meet that's
really particular special person because they were meant to be
(20:05):
in our life.
Speaker 1 (20:05):
Yeah, and then you get to meet your other special
people in heaven.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
Like that's the hope part too.
Speaker 1 (20:11):
That's like like I don't know what people do without hope,
because it's like something to cling to of, like it's
not the end, Like this is not the end. It's
really suck sucky almost another word. It's already explicit who cares,
But there's like a hope of like what's to come.
(20:31):
And that's really exciting too. And also I don't know
if you feel this way, and maybe it's just like
came to me because I someone listening probably feels this way.
But like the robbing of the innocence with pregnancy is
like probably the hardest part because like I'll still see
people post photos or not photos, videos or tiktoks or
whatever of them like in the mirror in their bathroom
(20:53):
and they like lift up the pregnancy test and then
they do that whole like probably dramatic and they're crying,
leaned over and they set up the camera for it,
so it's super authentic. I'm being obviously facetious, but I'm
sure it's authentic. But I will watch those videos and
get like such a pit in my stomach because I'll
never have that, I know, like I will never look
(21:14):
at a pregnancy test again and immediately feel like that
like excitement. Yeah, that's okay, but like, dang, there's like
so much that people don't talk about about, like losing
children that happens in the aftermath that like still like
just grinds your gears, you know.
Speaker 2 (21:32):
Yeah, And anyway, it.
Speaker 4 (21:34):
Does become like a very or it can feel very
like I had a moment.
Speaker 3 (21:38):
Yesterday in the office of just like very.
Speaker 4 (21:43):
It becomes very not cold, but like okay, here's your
step and here's your next step, and it becomes a.
Speaker 2 (21:54):
Like job, a process tasks to check off, right.
Speaker 4 (22:00):
And I I feel the same way, like because then
you I start to think about like other people in
my life's emotions too, around like well, I don't want
to tell I don't want to tell anyone early on
if you know, when we do get pregnant again, because.
Speaker 3 (22:20):
I don't want to.
Speaker 4 (22:22):
Have them go through those emotions again, and it just
becomes a spiral of like overthinking, overthinking and worry, and
I I think that's a very a very real feeling,
and all of it can.
Speaker 3 (22:40):
Exist at one time.
Speaker 4 (22:41):
It can all be like hopeful and exciting and then
also feel like, Okay, this is a very different experience
for me because now this has become like a checklist
of how to do this.
Speaker 1 (22:55):
And then you can also have both two feelings at
once when like someone announces and doesn't like keep video
that I just talked about and like obviously I'm bitter
about it. So like one feeling is like ugh, roll
your eyes. But then the other feeling is like I'm
happy for you, like I'm really happy that you're having
a baby, like and.
Speaker 2 (23:12):
That's a miracle. I understand how much of a miracle
it is at this point.
Speaker 1 (23:15):
Especially so it's crazy, like the amount of feelings you
can feel totally at once, all at once. Anytime you
think if you're experiencing infertility especially or like pregnancy loss
or anything like anytime you're feeling something that seems absolutely
bat crazy about crazy.
Speaker 2 (23:32):
It's not like everyone is feeling that.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
So just like take that off of your shoulders of
I'm the only one who is this like dark, You're not,
You're all so dark.
Speaker 4 (23:45):
The thoughts and feelings can truly come out of nowhere,
and I'm like, it's happening right now, but I think
that's just a result of your body's just trying to
like process all the things, and I just you know,
let it happen. Let take it, take a day, take
an hour if you need, and feel the fields.
Speaker 2 (24:06):
Fields, They're all valid.
Speaker 1 (24:08):
Michael will be like randomly when I say, like, maybe
want a third baby, because I kind of do, and
it's like psycho.
Speaker 4 (24:13):
I know.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
He's like, you really want to go through the possibility
of like going through what you've been through again, And
I in that moment when he like asks that question,
I genuinely have forgotten, right Like there are days where
I'm like I forgot I went through all that. That's insane,
Like I'm like, oh my gosh, yeah, maybe I don't.
Speaker 2 (24:34):
And then I'm like, but I probably do because I'm
just a psycho.
Speaker 1 (24:37):
Like it's like so crazy, Like how worth it it
is how resilient women are to be able to, like
numerously time and time again experience loss, all for the
purpose of experiencing gain.
Speaker 2 (24:49):
Yeah, one day, Like.
Speaker 1 (24:51):
We're resilient and we have a lot more hope and
resiliency and perseverance than like any other creature on this
earth besides God himself.
Speaker 3 (24:59):
I completely agree.
Speaker 4 (25:00):
And I think I mean probably like you having Wills
and Coco here it because like they're here for a
purpose too. I would you say, like in some ways
like maybe that's why, like instinctually or like you forget
that because it's like, Okay, no Wills was supposed to
(25:22):
be here at this time, it was Coco and so yeah,
and I'm sure.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
Like then you meet your babies and you're they drive
you nuts, but you are so obsessed with.
Speaker 2 (25:31):
Them and you're just like I would do it.
Speaker 1 (25:34):
I would have three more pregnancies to get another baby
that I'm obsessed with, Like I just love these kids
so much. So it's just like wild what we're willing
to do and what we can do through especially as believers,
like through God's strength and not our own, because a
lot of it we're just like weak and like, yeah.
Speaker 4 (25:56):
A lot of days I don't feel very strong, but
there's that like little like string almost where like even
through the worst moments, the hope, Like, that's what perseveres
for me.
Speaker 1 (26:12):
It's like you're taking scissors to a string. This is
a green analogy, and it just won't cut, and you're
trying to cut it.
Speaker 2 (26:19):
You're trying to let it.
Speaker 1 (26:20):
Go, and it just won't. And that's like what keeps
you going. I know last this is coming out in
a week, but while we're recording this, listeners. Coco's birthday
was yesterday.
Speaker 3 (26:29):
Yeah, we made it a year.
Speaker 2 (26:31):
We did it, honey.
Speaker 1 (26:34):
And last night Michael and I went to go get
cupcakes with the kids and I just finished coaching.
Speaker 2 (26:40):
I was like a little tired, are we really doing this?
But we like go get.
Speaker 1 (26:43):
Cupcakes and on the way home, I was like, this
time last year, Coco, I was being facetious. I was like,
you actually weren't even born yet because you took forever. Yeah,
she didn't come so close to midnight. And I was like,
so this time last year, I was like, my I go, oh,
I guess around this time last year, my.
Speaker 2 (27:03):
What's it called epidural had worn off.
Speaker 1 (27:04):
Because my blood pressure skyrocketed and I had to puke
into bags and this is when I got dizzy and
you to put a cold cloth, and Michael like starts
cracking up.
Speaker 2 (27:13):
He's like women out loud. He's like, women are insane.
Speaker 1 (27:18):
He's like, like, you legitimately did all that three hundred
and sixty five days ago.
Speaker 2 (27:23):
He said, I was terrified, and you're sitting there like,
let's have another.
Speaker 1 (27:30):
Me. I'm like no, it's like I'm like, yeah, I
almost like probably could have died, like Broure was solo
breathing into a bag full compress on my head like
took it off the air, epidural felt everything, every contraction.
Speaker 2 (27:42):
And I'm like, yeah, let's do it again.
Speaker 4 (27:45):
Yeah, Because you're looking at Coco and you're like, look
at her, now, look at her.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
It's like psychotic behavior. Women are nuts. That's gonna be
the title of this episode. Women are insane, I.
Speaker 4 (27:55):
Know, insane, insanely strong, Yeah, insanely, what's up?
Speaker 2 (28:02):
Insanely something that's for sure.
Speaker 4 (28:04):
Yeah, I mean I think like that's yeah, honestly, like
it's so impressive and like a gift to like go
through pain of that, but let you know, any pain,
like emotionally physically and be able to like persevere, persevere
and not forget.
Speaker 3 (28:22):
I guess not forget it, but use it so you.
Speaker 1 (28:26):
Never forget, but you kind of you as like time heals,
So as time moves on the level to which you
process or remember or like harp on, something changes and
that's like totally natural and normal.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
Thank you for sharing all that.
Speaker 1 (28:44):
I know it'll be very encouraging for someone to hear
that they're not alone and that they can like schedule
the appointment.
Speaker 2 (28:50):
Like all you have to do is schedul the appointment.
Speaker 3 (28:52):
Yep.
Speaker 4 (28:53):
And you know, if your your husband or partner can't
go with you, you know, bring a friend, you can
someone back there with you, bring a parent or family member,
just to have the support.
Speaker 3 (29:07):
You don't have to go alone.
Speaker 4 (29:09):
And yeah, so I'm sending all my love to anybody
going through this.
Speaker 3 (29:16):
And I yeah, I.
Speaker 4 (29:19):
If anything going through fertility struggles, if I can just
share my story and help somebody else, then like that
makes it makes it worth it.
Speaker 1 (29:30):
And you are doing that very shamelessly and very authentically.
And I know, I'm grateful and someone else is listening
to this.
Speaker 2 (29:37):
And you're going to have that.
Speaker 4 (29:38):
Baby, I know, and I know, and I'm that again
that hope, that excitement I hold on too, because there
is that deeply rooted feeling of like it's going to happen.
Speaker 3 (29:51):
If I know that.
Speaker 4 (29:54):
In my bones that it's going to happen, and I
can't wait.
Speaker 3 (30:01):
For that day, it will be a very special, exciting day.
So that me too. That's enough to hold on, hold
on to.
Speaker 1 (30:09):
For sure, for sure, hold on to it. Is there
anything else you want to share before we sign off?
I told her it was going to be a shorter
episode because I need a shower before a paps.
Speaker 2 (30:19):
Me or speaking woman taking a band of a woman.
We love it.
Speaker 3 (30:23):
We're all getting her appointments in this week.
Speaker 1 (30:27):
Literally all we do is just like set doctor's appointments
and get down to our skivns and spread eagle and
figure out what's going on.
Speaker 2 (30:34):
And they're all the time, all the time.
Speaker 4 (30:36):
Yep, that's pretty much it.
Speaker 2 (30:40):
About being shameless like we are.
Speaker 1 (30:43):
It.
Speaker 3 (30:45):
No, I'll just send.
Speaker 4 (30:49):
Lots of up to everybody who's listening if you need it,
and yeah, I will update. I want to keep updating
people on my journey as we go, so stay tuned.
Speaker 2 (31:02):
L O, l lots of love, lots of love and
laugh out loud. Well yeah, yeah, you gotta laugh.
Speaker 3 (31:10):
That's the other thing. I've learned. We've I know, we
both learned. Yeh. Gotta laugh.
Speaker 4 (31:13):
And I'm sure my dark humor makes people uncomfortable sometimes,
but you gotta use it.
Speaker 2 (31:19):
I love dark humor, like it's a little urry.
Speaker 3 (31:24):
I feel like sometimes we go like really.
Speaker 2 (31:26):
F it's limits.
Speaker 4 (31:31):
Like we could probably do stand up and I don't
think we'd have an audience because.
Speaker 2 (31:38):
We would be entertained though.
Speaker 3 (31:41):
Oh man, but you have to. You gotta you gotta
uh keep it light, laugh when you can.
Speaker 1 (31:50):
Yeah, we gotta go, we gotta go. Bye all No,
but here's the listeners. Bye, love you bye, Thanks Sarah,
They thanks for listening to Heart and Soul. If this
episode encouraged you in any way, please leave a review
on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 2 (32:08):
Talk to you next week.
You're listening to the Heart and Soul Podcast with Catherine Banko.
I'm on a mission to celebrate breakthrough, empowerment and shameless
living in the lives of women everywhere. Join me and
let's live unashamed together. What's going on, everybody? Welcome back
to Heart and Soul Podcast. I bet you thought the
podcast was over because I stopped releasing episodes for a
(00:22):
couple of weeks.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Let me tell you what. I'm not going anywhere.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
I'm not going any I'm back, baby, and I'm back
with the one, the only, the infamous, reoccurring guest, Sarah Leonard.
Speaker 3 (00:33):
That's me, friend of the pod, Welcome back.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
If you're watching on YouTube.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
I'm sorry for my appearance because I just got done
coaching and I'm like somehow pale again, Like.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
I was literally just hand. But here we are.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
I'm gross, shameless living. Sarah, Thank you so much for
joining me.
Speaker 4 (00:55):
Thank you for having me on. We were due, we
were due for a little chit chat.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
We were due for a classic staring kitty cat. Never
call myself that.
Speaker 3 (01:04):
I never heard that.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
I heard staring kitty gat chitty jet. Yeah, so last
time we spoke, I think you had you quit.
Speaker 3 (01:13):
I was.
Speaker 4 (01:14):
I was believe or had just left my full time job.
It was either March or April, which feels like it
was six months ago, but it was only like two
months ago.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
How why don't you give my listeners an update, like
how are you doing posts?
Speaker 3 (01:30):
I'm feeling really good and.
Speaker 4 (01:34):
It's wild that it was only two months ago, and
I was chatting with some gals at Soul this week
just that I hadn't seen in a while that I
think it's just because we've been so busy. My husband
and I went to France. It was my first time
to Europe. It was a really big trip for us,
and it was amazing and magical and I can't even
(01:59):
believe that, like we had that dream of a week.
I went on a little girl's trip with my best detay,
and then my niece was born, which was so exciting,
and we had family here for about two weeks, so
it was I feel like these last two months have
(02:20):
been like like the as you know, like leaving my
job was like a difficult decision for me to make.
What I've been able to live in experience the last
two months in like ways, I was able to like
be there for family or go see my own family
(02:40):
were really big blessings that I think I wouldn't have
been able to have her experience in the way that
I did. And so I also turned thirty. I'm in
the thirty club, thirty thirty, and you guys made me
feel so special and love and it was amazing. And
(03:03):
also I processed a lot of emotions through Durny thirty.
So I think like having the time and space to
like approach that birthday and come out on the other side,
like with some new perspective and taking some steps just
(03:24):
like in my health journey, and like taking care of myself.
Speaker 3 (03:29):
It's all, you know, It's crazy how things.
Speaker 4 (03:31):
Work out when we're like I don't know what I'm
gonna do, and then it's like can.
Speaker 3 (03:35):
You just can you just trust for two seconds?
Speaker 2 (03:38):
Literally?
Speaker 1 (03:42):
How was the processing going of turning thirty?
Speaker 2 (03:47):
How'd that go? Would you process?
Speaker 4 (03:48):
Would I?
Speaker 3 (03:50):
What's that?
Speaker 2 (03:51):
Would you learn?
Speaker 3 (03:52):
When I learned?
Speaker 4 (03:53):
I So everybody knows that I love my birthday a lot.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
I really believe that he's not kitting. I'm not kidding's
so serious. It's a national holiday.
Speaker 4 (04:05):
Yeah, I mean it's some my friend's favorite holiday too,
And I just love celebrating life. I highly recommend listening
to our episode around my birthday last year and just
like why that why it's important to me in terms
of like my own personal journey and story. But this year,
(04:29):
there was something about approaching a new decade at a
time in life when there's a lot of transition. I
feel like for women our age specifically.
Speaker 3 (04:41):
Around this age.
Speaker 4 (04:42):
Like becoming a parent, or you're making a big career
change because you've been in you know, let's say your
job or career field out of college for a little
while now, and it just feels like there's like big
life changes, yes, and that I felt like I didn't have,
(05:05):
And I was like approaching this birthday feeling like or
actually I think more reckoning with that.
Speaker 3 (05:12):
I was putting trying to put.
Speaker 4 (05:14):
My identity in like late labels in like what I'm
doing or what I have or what's on a resume
or like, oh, I'm not a mom, I'm not a
you know, project manager, I'm not like I didn't feel
like I had like a title, and it was really
(05:34):
difficult to process that and like work through I think
like the anxiety of like approaching a new decade when.
Speaker 3 (05:45):
I I think I maybe I had.
Speaker 4 (05:47):
Pictured my life a different way, but then when I
was really sitting in it and zooming out, my life
was everything that I would want it to be in
more ten years go, Like the fact that I'm just
like alive and breathing and I can run, and I
have friends and a husband, and I can travel and
(06:09):
like go to the beach.
Speaker 3 (06:11):
Like that's more than I ever thought would be possible.
And so I think I was getting.
Speaker 4 (06:18):
Very distracted by like the worldly like titles and labels
that we put on ourselves, and it was just being
really hard on myself, honestly.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
So, yeah, well I think you are I know you
are not behind.
Speaker 2 (06:35):
You're right where you're supposed to be.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
Yes, And we always put our own timelines on life,
and God laughs, he says, literally, you little demies, I'm
in control. And your timeline, although it might be precious
to you, it's not the ultimate timeline. And it doesn't
matter because I know way more what's going on behind
(06:58):
the scenes and what's going on around that I need
to you to wait on this or whatever. So and
like thirty, I know, like it's such a monumental age
and it's like obviously hindsight's twenty twenty.
Speaker 2 (07:09):
But like I look back and I'm like a child.
She was a baby.
Speaker 3 (07:14):
She was a baby. I'm like yeah, Like I'm like
I'm young, still young.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
Your baby, You're such a baby. I like couldn't even
wait a husband till I was twenty nine. You know,
like you are living, you know, yes, And I think
that it's a lot easier for you to see what
God's doing when you have like more freedom and you
were so like booked and overwhelmed, and it's like probably
a fresh perspective for you, hopefully to like have some
(07:40):
time to actually sit and like recognize what God's actually
doing in this season.
Speaker 2 (07:45):
So I think you're killing me.
Speaker 4 (07:47):
Well, I appreciate that, and I love you, and I
completely agree.
Speaker 3 (07:52):
And I think that's why maybe.
Speaker 4 (07:55):
I was really struggling approaching the birthday as well, was
because I was pre burnt out by the time I
did leave my job and just like all the life
things that had filled up my days, and so there
was a lot of like release. There was a lot
of I think things that I had probably been blocking
(08:15):
with work or with just trying to fill my free
time with like anything and everything to not pay attention
to some things that I needed to and so yeah,
I'm very I'm very grateful that I've had that time.
I feel so blessed in my life and like I
(08:38):
I could not imagine like a more amazing life that
than I have.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
But I like, day to day schedules are so busy
and distracting that it is crazy how much we missed,
just like going through the monotony of one activity to
the next. Yep, And it's got to be like even
yesterday when I called you, I called Sarah about like
(09:05):
I was venting about something and I called you and
like I started crying on the phone. It's like I
in that moment as I'm crying to you, and then
I'm crying.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
To the girl that I whatever. I'm crying a lot.
Speaker 1 (09:18):
Yesterday, and I'm like I have not cried because I
have not even allowed myself to think or like take
a pause and like think, like what do I actually feel?
Speaker 2 (09:28):
And last week someone asked me.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
How are you, and I go, I don't know, Like
I think I'm okay, Like I really haven't even had
time to think about how i am because I'm like
so busy and sometimes it's like so nice to just
be like I'm not busy, Like I can actually process
and think and like and cry and like experience feelings
when they're happening instead of just like bottling things up
(09:52):
and going from one activity to the next.
Speaker 2 (09:54):
So what a blessing you undred percent?
Speaker 3 (09:57):
And good cry. Sometimes we need a good cry.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
I get it out, good cry. I don't know if
I've told you, but I've had like rage.
Speaker 1 (10:06):
Ever since classic ever since I had ever since I've
had cocoa. My hormones when I'm like pre mensural, my
PMS hormones are like ragey, and my curates are really
heavy now, and so something's like wrong obviously, And I
(10:27):
have an appointment today, yeah, to get blood work done,
like a hormone panel or whatever the lad place, And
I cannot wait to see how I can temper this rage,
because like it's like I don't feel, I don't feel,
I don't feel, and then like I hit PMS and
I'm just like angry and I'm like, what happening?
Speaker 4 (10:48):
Well, I think that's great that you're going to like
hopefully get some answers, because there is like nothing worse,
as we know, to have something going wrong, like in
your body where you're like I think, like consciously we're like,
what is happening? Like I don't I don't want to
feel this way. I'm like what's going on? And then
subconsciously it's like, Okay, something's not right.
Speaker 1 (11:10):
No, Like my brain in the moments of like anger,
it's not like I'm like hitting anyone or anything like that.
It's just like I feel like I feel like the
character and inside out that gets like really red and
fire comes out of him when he's angry. That's how
I feel internally when I'm like doing this. So it's
like I'll be in the moment of like extreme out
(11:31):
of body experience and I'll be like literally saying in
my brain to God, I don't know what to do
to stop this, right, Like, I don't feel like I
have any tools to stop this, and I know this
is wrong.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
I know what's wrong, But why am I not stopping it?
I don't know how.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
So I think it'll be good to like, you know,
get some answers, hopefully, and like at least if like
my estrogen's low or I don't know what's going on,
but we need to get on top of that. And
speaking of getting on top of our health. You had
a very important Yes.
Speaker 3 (12:01):
I had a very important, very important appointment.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
Can't an appointment?
Speaker 4 (12:09):
Yes today, And yes, I did want to share with
all of our listeners if you're struggling with fertility, where
I'm at in my journey, because I know people being
open about their journeys and stories is so encouraging to me.
So I preface this probably also processing in the last
(12:35):
year as I approached this age, like I'm really scared
to miss carry again. I'm really scared to get pregnant again.
And even just saying that out loud feels like a
relief to just put words to it.
Speaker 3 (12:49):
And I think I was like ashamed.
Speaker 4 (12:51):
Of that for an odd reason, to be scared and
to be fearful, but it's it's not fun and to
to lose that way, and I really had to like
reckon with a lot of feelings. I We're going one
(13:12):
appointment at a time, and I have a great new
ob and yesterday we had an ultrasound of like three
D imaging of my uterus, of my ovaries, and thankfully
everything ultrasound photo.
Speaker 3 (13:31):
Wise like looks normal. I do have a cyst and
I do have.
Speaker 4 (13:36):
Like extra follicles, on one ovary and so next what
we are going to do is a laproscop laperscopsy, I
don't know how to say.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
That word, but spy or something laproscopy and I did too,
I can't remember though, I can't remember.
Speaker 4 (13:55):
And they're gonna, you know, go through my stomach and
look in my for scar tissue and my fallopian tubes
because you can't see the Filippian tubes on the ultrasounds,
and so they're gonna get in there with the little
cameras and make sure everything is clear, and gonna get
some blood work done for genetic testing, just to see
(14:19):
if there's anything like going on that is preventing pregnancies
from keeping. And I'm feeling really optimistic. I think this
is the most optimistic I've been. And it feels good
to take control, not take control, and like a like
(14:40):
this is gonna go the way I want it to,
but like control in terms of like there are tools
that are at my disposal to get the answers that
I need, and that is what's going to help the
fear is like if I have all the information, so
I feel like I'm in a good place to start
to get the answers and I'm restarting prozac. So we're
(15:05):
excited about that because I feel like I've been a
little underwater, a bit low interest and energy, and like
I want to get to a place where, like, you know,
we're ready to rock and roll, you know, hopefully when
it's time for us to be parents. And I feel
(15:26):
like taking steps in the right direction medically is.
Speaker 3 (15:32):
Feeling good.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
Yeah, I'm proud of you.
Speaker 1 (15:35):
It's very big too, and hard to take that first
to schedule that first appointment because sometimes like the fear
of the unknown is like literally paralyzing, and you're like
almost like well if I don't go, then I won't
know if there's something wrong with me, and it's like
ignorance is bliss. But yep, that first appointment is always
(15:55):
like the scariest thing the schedule, and then you get
through it and you're like, oh, like one you find
out you're very normal, Like this is like so common.
These are things that like so many women go through
that we don't talk about. And also it's nice to
be like to have a step as a type a person,
I'm the same one. I need a step and you
tell me what to do next so that I'm not
(16:15):
just like living in like gray land of no answers.
And also what you said about like being scared to
like get pregnant is so real. Like I remember I
got when I got pregnant with Will's it was my
third pregnancy, and I called my friend Parker shout out
if she still listens to this podcast, and I was
like all I said, yeah, you know, Parker, I didn't
(16:40):
even tell Michael. I called her because she had been
through miscarriages and I knew she would get it. And
I just literally she goes hello, and I go, this
is gonna be explicit. There's gonna be an e on
this episode because I go shit, and she goes, you're pregnant,
and I was like, yeah, I'm terrified, Like I'm not excited,
and like that's like really sad that that like innocence, uh,
(17:00):
and like the innocence is robbed a view of the
excitement of getting pregnant because of the drama. So it's
like totally relatable for you to be like I'm link scared,
I don't even want to get pregnant.
Speaker 2 (17:10):
Like yeah, that's so real and very common.
Speaker 1 (17:15):
Like the more the more I talked about it, the
more like dms I get from like random listeners or
people who are just like, hey, I just found out
I miscarried and like it's my second time, and I'm
feeling like this and I don't want to get pregnant again,
and what did you do?
Speaker 2 (17:29):
And it's like so common. It's like I wish we like.
Speaker 1 (17:32):
Could all just talk about it a little bit more
freely so that women could feel less alone.
Speaker 2 (17:37):
So I'm glad that you actually said that, because.
Speaker 4 (17:39):
Yeah, a lot of people and I think, like it's
a hard For a while, I didn't even think I
knew that's what I was feeling. And then the second
I like just so simply was like I'm terrified, and
that was an it Like I was like, oh, that's
a really big piece of this is that I'm scared,
(18:00):
and yeah, that's okay.
Speaker 3 (18:02):
And as I'm learning.
Speaker 4 (18:04):
Like still, as you share your story about anything, you
just learn like it unfortunately is a universal experience for
a lot of people, and yeah, it's it's okay to
be scared. I think it's what I want to say
to people is like it's okay to be terrified and
(18:26):
then also still be hopeful. Yeah, because that's what keeps
us afloat a lot of days. It's just like, you know,
our however our family is meant to come together or exist,
is going to happen, Like I know that for sure.
Speaker 3 (18:44):
So that's a very come.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
Also, that whole thing, I'm sure, Like now that I
have two children on Earth, it's like going back to
that hindsight.
Speaker 2 (18:55):
Is twenty twenty.
Speaker 1 (18:55):
Like, oh, when I was thirty, I thought I was
in the world, and the I'm looking back in my
house at a baby's same thing with like once you
have your babies, you kind of look back and you
like start to not necessarily understand why, but understand that
what you went through was not without purpose, you know,
but like you don't see it when you're in it.
(19:17):
You're just angry, you're sad, you're depressed, you're all the things,
and rightfully so, and like I don't know, like now
I can look back and kind of see a little
more purpose in his plan.
Speaker 2 (19:30):
Do I like the plan?
Speaker 1 (19:31):
Not necessarily like kind of wish it was something I
did not go through, but I can see purpose in
it y, which makes it worth going through.
Speaker 2 (19:39):
I guess does that make sense?
Speaker 3 (19:41):
One hundred percent? Yeah?
Speaker 4 (19:43):
And I know like when we meet our children here
that they like they are meant to exist here with
us and like we're that that is exciting to me,
Like that makes me excited if like, Okay, meet that's
really particular special person because they were meant to be
(20:05):
in our life.
Speaker 1 (20:05):
Yeah, and then you get to meet your other special
people in heaven.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
Like that's the hope part too.
Speaker 1 (20:11):
That's like like I don't know what people do without hope,
because it's like something to cling to of, like it's
not the end, Like this is not the end. It's
really suck sucky almost another word. It's already explicit who cares,
But there's like a hope of like what's to come.
(20:31):
And that's really exciting too. And also I don't know
if you feel this way, and maybe it's just like
came to me because I someone listening probably feels this way.
But like the robbing of the innocence with pregnancy is
like probably the hardest part because like I'll still see
people post photos or not photos, videos or tiktoks or
whatever of them like in the mirror in their bathroom
(20:53):
and they like lift up the pregnancy test and then
they do that whole like probably dramatic and they're crying,
leaned over and they set up the camera for it,
so it's super authentic. I'm being obviously facetious, but I'm
sure it's authentic. But I will watch those videos and
get like such a pit in my stomach because I'll
never have that, I know, like I will never look
(21:14):
at a pregnancy test again and immediately feel like that
like excitement. Yeah, that's okay, but like, dang, there's like
so much that people don't talk about about, like losing
children that happens in the aftermath that like still like
just grinds your gears, you know.
Speaker 2 (21:32):
Yeah, And anyway, it.
Speaker 4 (21:34):
Does become like a very or it can feel very
like I had a moment.
Speaker 3 (21:38):
Yesterday in the office of just like very.
Speaker 4 (21:43):
It becomes very not cold, but like okay, here's your
step and here's your next step, and it becomes a.
Speaker 2 (21:54):
Like job, a process tasks to check off, right.
Speaker 4 (22:00):
And I I feel the same way, like because then
you I start to think about like other people in
my life's emotions too, around like well, I don't want
to tell I don't want to tell anyone early on
if you know, when we do get pregnant again, because.
Speaker 3 (22:20):
I don't want to.
Speaker 4 (22:22):
Have them go through those emotions again, and it just
becomes a spiral of like overthinking, overthinking and worry, and
I I think that's a very a very real feeling,
and all of it can.
Speaker 3 (22:40):
Exist at one time.
Speaker 4 (22:41):
It can all be like hopeful and exciting and then
also feel like, Okay, this is a very different experience
for me because now this has become like a checklist
of how to do this.
Speaker 1 (22:55):
And then you can also have both two feelings at
once when like someone announces and doesn't like keep video
that I just talked about and like obviously I'm bitter
about it. So like one feeling is like ugh, roll
your eyes. But then the other feeling is like I'm
happy for you, like I'm really happy that you're having
a baby, like and.
Speaker 2 (23:12):
That's a miracle. I understand how much of a miracle
it is at this point.
Speaker 1 (23:15):
Especially so it's crazy, like the amount of feelings you
can feel totally at once, all at once. Anytime you
think if you're experiencing infertility especially or like pregnancy loss
or anything like anytime you're feeling something that seems absolutely
bat crazy about crazy.
Speaker 2 (23:32):
It's not like everyone is feeling that.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
So just like take that off of your shoulders of
I'm the only one who is this like dark, You're not,
You're all so dark.
Speaker 4 (23:45):
The thoughts and feelings can truly come out of nowhere,
and I'm like, it's happening right now, but I think
that's just a result of your body's just trying to
like process all the things, and I just you know,
let it happen. Let take it, take a day, take
an hour if you need, and feel the fields.
Speaker 2 (24:06):
Fields, They're all valid.
Speaker 1 (24:08):
Michael will be like randomly when I say, like, maybe
want a third baby, because I kind of do, and
it's like psycho.
Speaker 4 (24:13):
I know.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
He's like, you really want to go through the possibility
of like going through what you've been through again, And
I in that moment when he like asks that question,
I genuinely have forgotten, right Like there are days where
I'm like I forgot I went through all that. That's insane,
Like I'm like, oh my gosh, yeah, maybe I don't.
Speaker 2 (24:34):
And then I'm like, but I probably do because I'm
just a psycho.
Speaker 1 (24:37):
Like it's like so crazy, Like how worth it it
is how resilient women are to be able to, like
numerously time and time again experience loss, all for the
purpose of experiencing gain.
Speaker 2 (24:49):
Yeah, one day, Like.
Speaker 1 (24:51):
We're resilient and we have a lot more hope and
resiliency and perseverance than like any other creature on this
earth besides God himself.
Speaker 3 (24:59):
I completely agree.
Speaker 4 (25:00):
And I think I mean probably like you having Wills
and Coco here it because like they're here for a
purpose too. I would you say, like in some ways
like maybe that's why, like instinctually or like you forget
that because it's like, Okay, no Wills was supposed to
(25:22):
be here at this time, it was Coco and so yeah,
and I'm sure.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
Like then you meet your babies and you're they drive
you nuts, but you are so obsessed with.
Speaker 2 (25:31):
Them and you're just like I would do it.
Speaker 1 (25:34):
I would have three more pregnancies to get another baby
that I'm obsessed with, Like I just love these kids
so much. So it's just like wild what we're willing
to do and what we can do through especially as believers,
like through God's strength and not our own, because a
lot of it we're just like weak and like, yeah.
Speaker 4 (25:56):
A lot of days I don't feel very strong, but
there's that like little like string almost where like even
through the worst moments, the hope, Like, that's what perseveres
for me.
Speaker 1 (26:12):
It's like you're taking scissors to a string. This is
a green analogy, and it just won't cut, and you're
trying to cut it.
Speaker 2 (26:19):
You're trying to let it.
Speaker 1 (26:20):
Go, and it just won't. And that's like what keeps
you going. I know last this is coming out in
a week, but while we're recording this, listeners. Coco's birthday
was yesterday.
Speaker 3 (26:29):
Yeah, we made it a year.
Speaker 2 (26:31):
We did it, honey.
Speaker 1 (26:34):
And last night Michael and I went to go get
cupcakes with the kids and I just finished coaching.
Speaker 2 (26:40):
I was like a little tired, are we really doing this?
But we like go get.
Speaker 1 (26:43):
Cupcakes and on the way home, I was like, this
time last year, Coco, I was being facetious. I was like,
you actually weren't even born yet because you took forever. Yeah,
she didn't come so close to midnight. And I was like,
so this time last year, I was like, my I go, oh,
I guess around this time last year, my.
Speaker 2 (27:03):
What's it called epidural had worn off.
Speaker 1 (27:04):
Because my blood pressure skyrocketed and I had to puke
into bags and this is when I got dizzy and
you to put a cold cloth, and Michael like starts
cracking up.
Speaker 2 (27:13):
He's like women out loud. He's like, women are insane.
Speaker 1 (27:18):
He's like, like, you legitimately did all that three hundred
and sixty five days ago.
Speaker 2 (27:23):
He said, I was terrified, and you're sitting there like,
let's have another.
Speaker 1 (27:30):
Me. I'm like no, it's like I'm like, yeah, I
almost like probably could have died, like Broure was solo
breathing into a bag full compress on my head like
took it off the air, epidural felt everything, every contraction.
Speaker 2 (27:42):
And I'm like, yeah, let's do it again.
Speaker 4 (27:45):
Yeah, Because you're looking at Coco and you're like, look
at her, now, look at her.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
It's like psychotic behavior. Women are nuts. That's gonna be
the title of this episode. Women are insane, I.
Speaker 4 (27:55):
Know, insane, insanely strong, Yeah, insanely, what's up?
Speaker 2 (28:02):
Insanely something that's for sure.
Speaker 4 (28:04):
Yeah, I mean I think like that's yeah, honestly, like
it's so impressive and like a gift to like go
through pain of that, but let you know, any pain,
like emotionally physically and be able to like persevere, persevere
and not forget.
Speaker 3 (28:22):
I guess not forget it, but use it so you.
Speaker 1 (28:26):
Never forget, but you kind of you as like time heals,
So as time moves on the level to which you
process or remember or like harp on, something changes and
that's like totally natural and normal.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
Thank you for sharing all that.
Speaker 1 (28:44):
I know it'll be very encouraging for someone to hear
that they're not alone and that they can like schedule
the appointment.
Speaker 2 (28:50):
Like all you have to do is schedul the appointment.
Speaker 3 (28:52):
Yep.
Speaker 4 (28:53):
And you know, if your your husband or partner can't
go with you, you know, bring a friend, you can
someone back there with you, bring a parent or family member,
just to have the support.
Speaker 3 (29:07):
You don't have to go alone.
Speaker 4 (29:09):
And yeah, so I'm sending all my love to anybody
going through this.
Speaker 3 (29:16):
And I yeah, I.
Speaker 4 (29:19):
If anything going through fertility struggles, if I can just
share my story and help somebody else, then like that
makes it makes it worth it.
Speaker 1 (29:30):
And you are doing that very shamelessly and very authentically.
And I know, I'm grateful and someone else is listening
to this.
Speaker 2 (29:37):
And you're going to have that.
Speaker 4 (29:38):
Baby, I know, and I know, and I'm that again
that hope, that excitement I hold on too, because there
is that deeply rooted feeling of like it's going to happen.
Speaker 3 (29:51):
If I know that.
Speaker 4 (29:54):
In my bones that it's going to happen, and I
can't wait.
Speaker 3 (30:01):
For that day, it will be a very special, exciting day.
So that me too. That's enough to hold on, hold
on to.
Speaker 1 (30:09):
For sure, for sure, hold on to it. Is there
anything else you want to share before we sign off?
I told her it was going to be a shorter
episode because I need a shower before a paps.
Speaker 2 (30:19):
Me or speaking woman taking a band of a woman.
We love it.
Speaker 3 (30:23):
We're all getting her appointments in this week.
Speaker 1 (30:27):
Literally all we do is just like set doctor's appointments
and get down to our skivns and spread eagle and
figure out what's going on.
Speaker 2 (30:34):
And they're all the time, all the time.
Speaker 4 (30:36):
Yep, that's pretty much it.
Speaker 2 (30:40):
About being shameless like we are.
Speaker 1 (30:43):
It.
Speaker 3 (30:45):
No, I'll just send.
Speaker 4 (30:49):
Lots of up to everybody who's listening if you need it,
and yeah, I will update. I want to keep updating
people on my journey as we go, so stay tuned.
Speaker 2 (31:02):
L O, l lots of love, lots of love and
laugh out loud. Well yeah, yeah, you gotta laugh.
Speaker 3 (31:10):
That's the other thing. I've learned. We've I know, we
both learned. Yeh. Gotta laugh.
Speaker 4 (31:13):
And I'm sure my dark humor makes people uncomfortable sometimes,
but you gotta use it.
Speaker 2 (31:19):
I love dark humor, like it's a little urry.
Speaker 3 (31:24):
I feel like sometimes we go like really.
Speaker 2 (31:26):
F it's limits.
Speaker 4 (31:31):
Like we could probably do stand up and I don't
think we'd have an audience because.
Speaker 2 (31:38):
We would be entertained though.
Speaker 3 (31:41):
Oh man, but you have to. You gotta you gotta
uh keep it light, laugh when you can.
Speaker 1 (31:50):
Yeah, we gotta go, we gotta go. Bye all No,
but here's the listeners. Bye, love you bye, Thanks Sarah,
They thanks for listening to Heart and Soul. If this
episode encouraged you in any way, please leave a review
on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 2 (32:08):
Talk to you next week.
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