January 8, 2025 • 19 mins
What comes to mind when you hear 'strong'? Maybe muscles or physical strength? But, what about mental strength and resilience?
You may know Olympian Libby Trickett as Libby Lenton. She became a house hold name in the early 2000s swimming for Australia.
Libby wasn’t prepared for a different type of strength she would need once she’d retire from swimming. Like many new parents, Libby's world was turned upside down by the arrival of her first baby, Poppy.
You can read Libby's full little love story here.
Listen to more "This Glorious Mess" HERE
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CREDITS:
Host & Producer: Grace Rouvray
Guest: Libby Trickett
Audio Producer: Lu Hill
Mamamia acknowledges the Traditional Owners of the Land we have recorded this podcast on, the Gadigal people of the Eora Nation. We pay our respects to their Elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures.
Become a Mamamia subscriber: https://www.mamamia.com.au/subscribe
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
You're listening to a Mother Mia podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Mamma Mia acknowledges the traditional owners of the land. We
have recorded this podcast on the Gatagoul people of the
Eora Nation. We pay our respects to their elders past
and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and
Torres Strait islander cultures.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
Hi, it's Grace from This Glorious Mess introducing hot Pod Summer.
It's one hundred hours of curated listening across the Mumma
mea network just for you to escape the chaos and
enjoy with the kids at home and the weather warming up.
We're going to share some episodes of Little Love Stories.
Little Love Stories is an open hearted conversation with someone
(01:01):
who has loved to share that love can be anything,
a time in someone's life, a person, or even an object.
It's all about discovering the magic everywhere you look. So
I hope you enjoy this episode of Little Love Stories.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
I love you how you live with them?
Speaker 3 (01:23):
From Mamma Mia and This Glorious Mess. Welcome to Little
Love Stories. I'm Grace Rubrey, the producer of This Glorious Mess.
What do you think when I say strong, is it muscles?
A physical strength, maybe even lifting something. You may know
Olympian Libby Trickett as Libby Lynton. She became a household
(01:44):
name in the early two thousands swimming for Australia in
the Olympic Games, and she's got a few gold medals
under her belt.
Speaker 1 (01:52):
I should be Australia first and second. Here they made it.
Let's have a look at Libby's time. He's fifty two
ninety time.
Speaker 2 (01:58):
Is that time surprise you?
Speaker 4 (01:59):
Yeah? Absolutely, I'm The fact that I was able to
back up and go under it again is just like
I said, It's awesome.
Speaker 3 (02:05):
So you may look at Libby and think of physical strength,
but she wasn't prepared for a different kind of strength
she would need once she retired from swimming.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
I'm capable.
Speaker 4 (02:14):
I'm doing this like I'm one of the strongest women
in the world. I'm the fastest woman of I have
been the fastest woman in the world ever, ever, and
here I was at thirty, completely out of my depth.
Speaker 3 (02:29):
Libby's world, like so many new parents, was completely turned
upside down by the arrival of her first baby, Poppy.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
It's nothing you ever imagine that you're going to experience,
especially with your first baby. You go into it.
Speaker 5 (02:44):
You're like, I'm going to be a correct mother. This
is the next thing that I want to do.
Speaker 3 (02:49):
And it was there in the depths of darkness with
her newborn baby that Libby was overcome with postnatal depression,
a time where Libby felt like she had hit rock bottom.
But it is strength, even in just taking one step forward,
that helped Libby continue walking and lifting herself out of
that place.
Speaker 4 (03:07):
You will love the person that I have become, and
really the only reason she is here is because of
the strength you found in twenty fifteen.
Speaker 3 (03:17):
I'm so glad that Libby shared her little love story
with us. Now to you, Libby is incredibly honest and
open about her experience with postnatal depression. And if this
is a tricky for you, please take care when listening.
You are a household name and you have been for
many years. So I'm grateful to have you on Little
Love Stories and to share this letter that you've written
to yourself, which is beautiful. But let's go back. You
(03:39):
are olympian, Lippy Tricket. Why do people use the term
former olympian when you're retiring for sport? And is that
an offensive term?
Speaker 1 (03:48):
It's such a good question.
Speaker 4 (03:50):
It's a really weird thing that we Olympians feel very
strongly about. There's this whole idea of once an Olympian,
always an Olympian, right. It's such a hard thing to achieve,
just to be an Olympian, to get to the Olympics.
It's such a challenging and difficult thing to do, and
(04:10):
it's such a big part of your identity, and it's
something that even though you have left the sport and
moved on, it's still such a part of how you.
Speaker 1 (04:22):
See yourself and it's kind of nice to acknowledge that
part of you still.
Speaker 4 (04:28):
And I do say it tongue in cheek, because you know,
we get called former Olympians all of the time, but
I always go, actually, once an Olympian, always an Olympian.
Speaker 3 (04:37):
Well, I mean, you don't keep your medals back, do you?
They're yours? Where do you keep your medals?
Speaker 4 (04:41):
I used to keep them in my Undia's drawl.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
And then I heard of a few people.
Speaker 4 (04:51):
Getting metals stolen, just in random break ins and things
like that, so I was like, I'd be pretty sad
if you know, my Olympic medals got stolen. I mean
I'd be sad if my house got broken into full stop.
But you know, particularly if those things got stolen. So
my Olympic medals are in a safe and then the
rest of them are in a lovely chest.
Speaker 3 (05:11):
Well, we are starting talking about swimming, because that is
how you start your little nup story, and you talk
about strength. Could you read that first part out for us?
Speaker 4 (05:21):
You are incredibly strong, but you don't yet know how
deep your strength will go. As a swimmer, you are
physically strong, your body lean and muscled from the hours
in the pool and the gym. Mentally, you are able
to control your nerves and perform in the highest pressure
situations with everything writing on a sharp and frenetic fifty
three seconds of frantic effort.
Speaker 3 (05:43):
What is the headspace of the fifty three seconds before
that fifty three seconds going back?
Speaker 1 (05:50):
Even well before a race.
Speaker 4 (05:53):
You have to be in that mindset of believing that
you can be the best in the world. It is
a very hyper competitive, hyper focused mindset, and you pour
everything into training, You pour everything into your performances. You
(06:13):
are libby trick at the swimmer like that is how
you see yourself. It's how you value yourself and the
goal is to win at the highest level. You have
to have this just unwavering belief. And the funny thing
is that I had so many chinks in my armor.
I had so many red flags, I guess, in terms
(06:35):
of being able to handle that pressure and expectation and
that desire to win. And I know that if I
didn't win. I know that if I didn't perform at
the level that I wanted to, that I would feel
incredibly disappointed in myself and that would start sort of
(06:56):
a spiral of shame. And anytime I didn't achieve what
I wanted to at that level, it literally felt like
the world was falling out from underneath my feet. That's
how I proved my worth to everyone and to myself.
It's a very intense mindset, and it's so weird because
(07:18):
that sounds all terrible, right like it so it's pretty hormful.
But it's so funny because that's one of the things
that I miss. I miss that intensity. I miss that
deep focused work and driving towards one very specific goal.
What a joy that is and what a joy I
had doing that. I just wish I had the perspective
(07:41):
that I have now, like I always joke to my
husband if only I had the brain that I have
now back then, I think I would have been able
to enjoy it for one a lot more. But I
actually do think I would have been able to perform
better as well, because you release that intensity of the pressure.
You still feel it, you still are in it, and
you still have that desire to be the best, but
(08:03):
it's just not live or die.
Speaker 3 (08:06):
Basically, you go on to talk about your relationship with
failure in your little love story, and that it's not
just about losing a race. It does creep into your
(08:27):
personal life. Can you read that part of your essay?
Speaker 4 (08:31):
After what feels like an unending sleep deprivation and zero
control over this little being, you will rapidly spiral into
postnatal depression. You'll feel like a failure at every moment
of every day. You'll struggle to make decisions and eventually
think harmful thoughts about your daughter and a desire to
(08:52):
no longer be here.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
It will feel just too painful.
Speaker 4 (08:57):
Excruciating will be an accurate description of that time in
your life. This might seem like a very strange moment
to be grateful for, but you will be because it
was in this moment that you found your true strength.
Speaker 3 (09:11):
What did feeling like a failure in parenting feel like
in the depths of those.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
Moments, it felt hard breaking.
Speaker 4 (09:22):
Yeah, even though I'm so far from that person, I
am transported back there in the blink of an eye.
So many women around the world are parents and mothers
and look like they're thriving, absolutely thriving, And here I am.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
And you know, I'm yelling at my.
Speaker 4 (09:43):
Seven month old baby because she's crying and I can't
get her to calm down. It's incredibly fragile. That is
not the mentality that I had as an athlete. Right,
You're like, I'm capable. I'm doing this like I'm one
of the strongest women in the world. I'm the fastest woman. Oh,
I have been the fastest woman in the world ever, ever,
(10:07):
And here I was, at thirty, completely out of my depth.
I think that was the most difficult part for me.
I couldn't recognize myself. I couldn't see a path forward.
I felt like this is how it was always going
to be. I think anyone who's experienced mental illness knows
(10:29):
that feeling it feels like it will never end, and
the shame particularly around. I mean, this still gets me now,
but the shame around thinking harmful thoughts about your baby
is just, Yeah, it's nothing you ever imagine that you're
gonna experience.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
Especially with your first baby.
Speaker 5 (10:51):
You go into it, You're like, I've gotta be a
correct mother. This is the next thing that I.
Speaker 1 (10:56):
Want to do.
Speaker 4 (10:58):
But I also know that that has led me to
so much joy, That has led me to experience the
world in a way that I never would have if
it weren't for that moment.
Speaker 3 (11:12):
The perception of strength and being strong from the outside
can seem like, you know, you've made this choice to
be strong, but in reality you're just trudging through, and
its strength is actually just getting up every day, and
it's one tiny step in front of the other because
that's all you can do. Yeah, finding that outwood strength
(11:33):
actually takes so long because for you it's just little steps.
Do you remember when any of the little steps were Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:40):
For sure.
Speaker 4 (11:40):
You know, I remember one particular moment people talk about
a rock bottom. I definitely had kind of a rock
bottom moment with Poppy. About five months of the waking
day and night every forty five minutes sleep deprivation, which
just nothing can prepare you for right like that is
(12:02):
just soul achingly broken, hollow human being. There is nothing
like there is no bandwidth, your a shell. I was
going through the motions. I was trying to do the
things that I know are good for my mental health.
I've experienced depression before I had put things into place.
I know how how important exercises to my mental health.
(12:23):
So I was going through those motions, and I bundled
her into the car to go to the gym to
move my body. And it was during a period of
time that she particularly hated the car, so as soon
as we got in the car, we started going, she
immediately started bailing her eyes out and screaming. And It's
like a switch flicked in my brain and I was
(12:47):
like it felt almost out of body, and I just
started screaming at her, just animalistic. I wasn't saying any
words that I remember, but I was just screaming.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
And I got to the gym, and I just remember
being scared.
Speaker 4 (13:07):
I was so scared of how badly I was driving,
how unsafe that would have been for everyone on the road,
let alone myself and my baby. I called my husband
moment he knew that I was struggling. I was not
well and he was kind of aware of that but
probably didn't know the depths of where I was. And
(13:29):
I called him and I need help, and he was great.
He told me to book in with my GP, who
I had a nice relationship with, and so the first
step was booking in with my doctor. When saw him,
he started to help me get a mental health plan
in place. I mean, the sleep is the maying. That's
(13:52):
what I'm such an advocate for sleep now, Like, if
you're feeling sad or anxious or stressed or angry, go
have a sleep. Honestly, even if it's a little stress nap,
Like everything feels better after a sleep. Getting the sleep
sorted was a first step in the right direction. And
getting one day a week where I could kind of
(14:13):
just do whatever I wanted, whether it was have a
nap or go get my nails done or just sit
and steer it to the voyage. It was just, yeah,
I think just those little things. I think also really
being vulnerable with my husband and telling him how dark
(14:33):
it was felt that took weight off. And it's something
that I'm so grateful for. And that's not to say
that you immediately feel better because I think anyone again
who's experienced mental illness and those kinds of particularly acute,
challenging periods, it doesn't just fix itself. It is slowly,
(14:54):
as you said, turning up taking another step, showing up
every day in different ways for yourself and exploring different tools.
And eventually, in twenty twenty, during COVID and stuff where
a lot of my tools and the tools in my
tool belt that I talk about were taken away because
I couldn't go and exercise, I couldn't go and do
the normal things that I would do to take care
(15:16):
of my mental health. I ended up going on to
medication and that's been one of the best things as
well for my mental health.
Speaker 1 (15:21):
And I'm still on medication today.
Speaker 4 (15:24):
And again it's just one of those tools in my
tool belt that I use to take care of myself mentally,
which means that I can be the best version of myself,
which means that I can be the best mother, friend, wife,
all of the things that make me who I am
and make.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
Me really proud to be who I am.
Speaker 3 (15:43):
Before we get to the ending of your essay where
you have a message for past Luby, I think it's
important to touch on, as you've said, when you're in
the depths of going through a bad mental health period
and it can feel like it's never going to end.
What would you say to a new mother or such
a someone who is in the trenches going this period
will never end. What is your advice for them?
Speaker 4 (16:07):
I want to say, I see you. I really want
to say that you're not alone, because when you're in
those really bad moments, it feels like you're the only
one there. It feels like no one could ever understand
how painful it is. All I can say is that
(16:29):
it does end. And they talk about seasons of your life,
and all of a sudden.
Speaker 6 (16:37):
You'll be almost nine years down the track and you'll
have the most beautiful baby who's still baby, she's almost nine,
who just.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
Makes you so proud.
Speaker 4 (16:51):
Then you're proud of yourself because you're raising her and
she's amazing. Being kind to yourself in those moments, giving
yourself so much grace.
Speaker 3 (17:05):
Could you read the last bit of your essay that
you wrote to Past Libby.
Speaker 1 (17:10):
Past Libby, please know this.
Speaker 4 (17:12):
You will find your strength in the quiet, ordinary moments
when you're in a downward spiral and it feels like
your soul will fall apart. You will find your strength
in asking for help in your greatest hour of need.
You will find your strength by lowering your expectations of
yourself and accepting that you are not perfect. You will
(17:33):
find your strength in releasing the need to control every
moment and every outcome. You will find your strength in
finding new relationships and strengthening your relationships.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
With people who love and support you.
Speaker 4 (17:46):
You will find your strength in finally understanding that you
are resilient and you will be able to cope with
life whatever happens. It will take you years to fully
understand and be sure of this strength and to be
able to return to it when you feel like things
are getting hard, chaotic, or challenging you mentally. But you
(18:06):
will get there, and that is why I will be
forever grateful for that moment. You will love the person
that I have become, and really the only reason she
is here is because of the strength you found in
twenty fifteen Love Libby.
Speaker 3 (18:22):
It's so beautiful.
Speaker 4 (18:25):
I think that's important for us to be able to
kind of reflect on that and reflect on those really
hard moments and go, wow, I'm so proud of myself.
Speaker 3 (18:34):
What does love mean to you as this lippy now.
Speaker 4 (18:37):
Yeah, I think respect. I'm just talking to myself personally.
I really respect myself now. I think love means teamwork,
being able to work with yourself and to work with others.
I think it's warmth. I think it's grace. I think
(19:00):
it's really truly understanding and acknowledging that it's imperfect. It's
entirely imperfect. And you know, we want to be loved
in certain ways, and we want to love in certain ways,
and we're not going.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
To get it right.
Speaker 4 (19:16):
But having that willingness and that openness to move with
life life and to move with what is coming to us,
we won't always get it right, but we can keep
getting better, and we can keep getting better together.
Speaker 3 (19:30):
Thank you for coming on Little Love Stories, Libby. This
was a really beautiful conversation.
Speaker 1 (19:34):
No, thank you for having me. Grace.
Speaker 3 (19:37):
Libby's full Little Love story will be dropped into our
episode notes. If you have a story that you'd like
to share with us, we would love to hear it.
We're always on the lookout for great stories and new
perspectives for our This Glorious Mess site. No matter where
you come from or who you are to submit your story,
you can leave us a voice note or email us.
All the details are in our show notes. If you're
(19:59):
looking for something else to listen to, Mumma Me who's
presenting one hundred hours of summer listens from meaningful conversations,
incredible stories, fashion, beauty, and a bit of silliness. There's
a link to more things to listen to in the
show notes
You're listening to a Mother Mia podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Mamma Mia acknowledges the traditional owners of the land. We
have recorded this podcast on the Gatagoul people of the
Eora Nation. We pay our respects to their elders past
and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and
Torres Strait islander cultures.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
Hi, it's Grace from This Glorious Mess introducing hot Pod Summer.
It's one hundred hours of curated listening across the Mumma
mea network just for you to escape the chaos and
enjoy with the kids at home and the weather warming up.
We're going to share some episodes of Little Love Stories.
Little Love Stories is an open hearted conversation with someone
(01:01):
who has loved to share that love can be anything,
a time in someone's life, a person, or even an object.
It's all about discovering the magic everywhere you look. So
I hope you enjoy this episode of Little Love Stories.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
I love you how you live with them?
Speaker 3 (01:23):
From Mamma Mia and This Glorious Mess. Welcome to Little
Love Stories. I'm Grace Rubrey, the producer of This Glorious Mess.
What do you think when I say strong, is it muscles?
A physical strength, maybe even lifting something. You may know
Olympian Libby Trickett as Libby Lynton. She became a household
(01:44):
name in the early two thousands swimming for Australia in
the Olympic Games, and she's got a few gold medals
under her belt.
Speaker 1 (01:52):
I should be Australia first and second. Here they made it.
Let's have a look at Libby's time. He's fifty two
ninety time.
Speaker 2 (01:58):
Is that time surprise you?
Speaker 4 (01:59):
Yeah? Absolutely, I'm The fact that I was able to
back up and go under it again is just like
I said, It's awesome.
Speaker 3 (02:05):
So you may look at Libby and think of physical strength,
but she wasn't prepared for a different kind of strength
she would need once she retired from swimming.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
I'm capable.
Speaker 4 (02:14):
I'm doing this like I'm one of the strongest women
in the world. I'm the fastest woman of I have
been the fastest woman in the world ever, ever, and
here I was at thirty, completely out of my depth.
Speaker 3 (02:29):
Libby's world, like so many new parents, was completely turned
upside down by the arrival of her first baby, Poppy.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
It's nothing you ever imagine that you're going to experience,
especially with your first baby. You go into it.
Speaker 5 (02:44):
You're like, I'm going to be a correct mother. This
is the next thing that I want to do.
Speaker 3 (02:49):
And it was there in the depths of darkness with
her newborn baby that Libby was overcome with postnatal depression,
a time where Libby felt like she had hit rock bottom.
But it is strength, even in just taking one step forward,
that helped Libby continue walking and lifting herself out of
that place.
Speaker 4 (03:07):
You will love the person that I have become, and
really the only reason she is here is because of
the strength you found in twenty fifteen.
Speaker 3 (03:17):
I'm so glad that Libby shared her little love story
with us. Now to you, Libby is incredibly honest and
open about her experience with postnatal depression. And if this
is a tricky for you, please take care when listening.
You are a household name and you have been for
many years. So I'm grateful to have you on Little
Love Stories and to share this letter that you've written
to yourself, which is beautiful. But let's go back. You
(03:39):
are olympian, Lippy Tricket. Why do people use the term
former olympian when you're retiring for sport? And is that
an offensive term?
Speaker 1 (03:48):
It's such a good question.
Speaker 4 (03:50):
It's a really weird thing that we Olympians feel very
strongly about. There's this whole idea of once an Olympian,
always an Olympian, right. It's such a hard thing to achieve,
just to be an Olympian, to get to the Olympics.
It's such a challenging and difficult thing to do, and
(04:10):
it's such a big part of your identity, and it's
something that even though you have left the sport and
moved on, it's still such a part of how you.
Speaker 1 (04:22):
See yourself and it's kind of nice to acknowledge that
part of you still.
Speaker 4 (04:28):
And I do say it tongue in cheek, because you know,
we get called former Olympians all of the time, but
I always go, actually, once an Olympian, always an Olympian.
Speaker 3 (04:37):
Well, I mean, you don't keep your medals back, do you?
They're yours? Where do you keep your medals?
Speaker 4 (04:41):
I used to keep them in my Undia's drawl.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
And then I heard of a few people.
Speaker 4 (04:51):
Getting metals stolen, just in random break ins and things
like that, so I was like, I'd be pretty sad
if you know, my Olympic medals got stolen. I mean
I'd be sad if my house got broken into full stop.
But you know, particularly if those things got stolen. So
my Olympic medals are in a safe and then the
rest of them are in a lovely chest.
Speaker 3 (05:11):
Well, we are starting talking about swimming, because that is
how you start your little nup story, and you talk
about strength. Could you read that first part out for us?
Speaker 4 (05:21):
You are incredibly strong, but you don't yet know how
deep your strength will go. As a swimmer, you are
physically strong, your body lean and muscled from the hours
in the pool and the gym. Mentally, you are able
to control your nerves and perform in the highest pressure
situations with everything writing on a sharp and frenetic fifty
three seconds of frantic effort.
Speaker 3 (05:43):
What is the headspace of the fifty three seconds before
that fifty three seconds going back?
Speaker 1 (05:50):
Even well before a race.
Speaker 4 (05:53):
You have to be in that mindset of believing that
you can be the best in the world. It is
a very hyper competitive, hyper focused mindset, and you pour
everything into training, You pour everything into your performances. You
(06:13):
are libby trick at the swimmer like that is how
you see yourself. It's how you value yourself and the
goal is to win at the highest level. You have
to have this just unwavering belief. And the funny thing
is that I had so many chinks in my armor.
I had so many red flags, I guess, in terms
(06:35):
of being able to handle that pressure and expectation and
that desire to win. And I know that if I
didn't win. I know that if I didn't perform at
the level that I wanted to, that I would feel
incredibly disappointed in myself and that would start sort of
(06:56):
a spiral of shame. And anytime I didn't achieve what
I wanted to at that level, it literally felt like
the world was falling out from underneath my feet. That's
how I proved my worth to everyone and to myself.
It's a very intense mindset, and it's so weird because
(07:18):
that sounds all terrible, right like it so it's pretty hormful.
But it's so funny because that's one of the things
that I miss. I miss that intensity. I miss that
deep focused work and driving towards one very specific goal.
What a joy that is and what a joy I
had doing that. I just wish I had the perspective
(07:41):
that I have now, like I always joke to my
husband if only I had the brain that I have
now back then, I think I would have been able
to enjoy it for one a lot more. But I
actually do think I would have been able to perform
better as well, because you release that intensity of the pressure.
You still feel it, you still are in it, and
you still have that desire to be the best, but
(08:03):
it's just not live or die.
Speaker 3 (08:06):
Basically, you go on to talk about your relationship with
failure in your little love story, and that it's not
just about losing a race. It does creep into your
(08:27):
personal life. Can you read that part of your essay?
Speaker 4 (08:31):
After what feels like an unending sleep deprivation and zero
control over this little being, you will rapidly spiral into
postnatal depression. You'll feel like a failure at every moment
of every day. You'll struggle to make decisions and eventually
think harmful thoughts about your daughter and a desire to
(08:52):
no longer be here.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
It will feel just too painful.
Speaker 4 (08:57):
Excruciating will be an accurate description of that time in
your life. This might seem like a very strange moment
to be grateful for, but you will be because it
was in this moment that you found your true strength.
Speaker 3 (09:11):
What did feeling like a failure in parenting feel like
in the depths of those.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
Moments, it felt hard breaking.
Speaker 4 (09:22):
Yeah, even though I'm so far from that person, I
am transported back there in the blink of an eye.
So many women around the world are parents and mothers
and look like they're thriving, absolutely thriving, And here I am.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
And you know, I'm yelling at my.
Speaker 4 (09:43):
Seven month old baby because she's crying and I can't
get her to calm down. It's incredibly fragile. That is
not the mentality that I had as an athlete. Right,
You're like, I'm capable. I'm doing this like I'm one
of the strongest women in the world. I'm the fastest woman. Oh,
I have been the fastest woman in the world ever, ever,
(10:07):
And here I was, at thirty, completely out of my depth.
I think that was the most difficult part for me.
I couldn't recognize myself. I couldn't see a path forward.
I felt like this is how it was always going
to be. I think anyone who's experienced mental illness knows
(10:29):
that feeling it feels like it will never end, and
the shame particularly around. I mean, this still gets me now,
but the shame around thinking harmful thoughts about your baby
is just, Yeah, it's nothing you ever imagine that you're
gonna experience.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
Especially with your first baby.
Speaker 5 (10:51):
You go into it, You're like, I've gotta be a
correct mother. This is the next thing that I.
Speaker 1 (10:56):
Want to do.
Speaker 4 (10:58):
But I also know that that has led me to
so much joy, That has led me to experience the
world in a way that I never would have if
it weren't for that moment.
Speaker 3 (11:12):
The perception of strength and being strong from the outside
can seem like, you know, you've made this choice to
be strong, but in reality you're just trudging through, and
its strength is actually just getting up every day, and
it's one tiny step in front of the other because
that's all you can do. Yeah, finding that outwood strength
(11:33):
actually takes so long because for you it's just little steps.
Do you remember when any of the little steps were Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:40):
For sure.
Speaker 4 (11:40):
You know, I remember one particular moment people talk about
a rock bottom. I definitely had kind of a rock
bottom moment with Poppy. About five months of the waking
day and night every forty five minutes sleep deprivation, which
just nothing can prepare you for right like that is
(12:02):
just soul achingly broken, hollow human being. There is nothing
like there is no bandwidth, your a shell. I was
going through the motions. I was trying to do the
things that I know are good for my mental health.
I've experienced depression before I had put things into place.
I know how how important exercises to my mental health.
(12:23):
So I was going through those motions, and I bundled
her into the car to go to the gym to
move my body. And it was during a period of
time that she particularly hated the car, so as soon
as we got in the car, we started going, she
immediately started bailing her eyes out and screaming. And It's
like a switch flicked in my brain and I was
(12:47):
like it felt almost out of body, and I just
started screaming at her, just animalistic. I wasn't saying any
words that I remember, but I was just screaming.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
And I got to the gym, and I just remember
being scared.
Speaker 4 (13:07):
I was so scared of how badly I was driving,
how unsafe that would have been for everyone on the road,
let alone myself and my baby. I called my husband
moment he knew that I was struggling. I was not
well and he was kind of aware of that but
probably didn't know the depths of where I was. And
(13:29):
I called him and I need help, and he was great.
He told me to book in with my GP, who
I had a nice relationship with, and so the first
step was booking in with my doctor. When saw him,
he started to help me get a mental health plan
in place. I mean, the sleep is the maying. That's
(13:52):
what I'm such an advocate for sleep now, Like, if
you're feeling sad or anxious or stressed or angry, go
have a sleep. Honestly, even if it's a little stress nap,
Like everything feels better after a sleep. Getting the sleep
sorted was a first step in the right direction. And
getting one day a week where I could kind of
(14:13):
just do whatever I wanted, whether it was have a
nap or go get my nails done or just sit
and steer it to the voyage. It was just, yeah,
I think just those little things. I think also really
being vulnerable with my husband and telling him how dark
(14:33):
it was felt that took weight off. And it's something
that I'm so grateful for. And that's not to say
that you immediately feel better because I think anyone again
who's experienced mental illness and those kinds of particularly acute,
challenging periods, it doesn't just fix itself. It is slowly,
(14:54):
as you said, turning up taking another step, showing up
every day in different ways for yourself and exploring different tools.
And eventually, in twenty twenty, during COVID and stuff where
a lot of my tools and the tools in my
tool belt that I talk about were taken away because
I couldn't go and exercise, I couldn't go and do
the normal things that I would do to take care
(15:16):
of my mental health. I ended up going on to
medication and that's been one of the best things as
well for my mental health.
Speaker 1 (15:21):
And I'm still on medication today.
Speaker 4 (15:24):
And again it's just one of those tools in my
tool belt that I use to take care of myself mentally,
which means that I can be the best version of myself,
which means that I can be the best mother, friend, wife,
all of the things that make me who I am
and make.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
Me really proud to be who I am.
Speaker 3 (15:43):
Before we get to the ending of your essay where
you have a message for past Luby, I think it's
important to touch on, as you've said, when you're in
the depths of going through a bad mental health period
and it can feel like it's never going to end.
What would you say to a new mother or such
a someone who is in the trenches going this period
will never end. What is your advice for them?
Speaker 4 (16:07):
I want to say, I see you. I really want
to say that you're not alone, because when you're in
those really bad moments, it feels like you're the only
one there. It feels like no one could ever understand
how painful it is. All I can say is that
(16:29):
it does end. And they talk about seasons of your life,
and all of a sudden.
Speaker 6 (16:37):
You'll be almost nine years down the track and you'll
have the most beautiful baby who's still baby, she's almost nine,
who just.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
Makes you so proud.
Speaker 4 (16:51):
Then you're proud of yourself because you're raising her and
she's amazing. Being kind to yourself in those moments, giving
yourself so much grace.
Speaker 3 (17:05):
Could you read the last bit of your essay that
you wrote to Past Libby.
Speaker 1 (17:10):
Past Libby, please know this.
Speaker 4 (17:12):
You will find your strength in the quiet, ordinary moments
when you're in a downward spiral and it feels like
your soul will fall apart. You will find your strength
in asking for help in your greatest hour of need.
You will find your strength by lowering your expectations of
yourself and accepting that you are not perfect. You will
(17:33):
find your strength in releasing the need to control every
moment and every outcome. You will find your strength in
finding new relationships and strengthening your relationships.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
With people who love and support you.
Speaker 4 (17:46):
You will find your strength in finally understanding that you
are resilient and you will be able to cope with
life whatever happens. It will take you years to fully
understand and be sure of this strength and to be
able to return to it when you feel like things
are getting hard, chaotic, or challenging you mentally. But you
(18:06):
will get there, and that is why I will be
forever grateful for that moment. You will love the person
that I have become, and really the only reason she
is here is because of the strength you found in
twenty fifteen Love Libby.
Speaker 3 (18:22):
It's so beautiful.
Speaker 4 (18:25):
I think that's important for us to be able to
kind of reflect on that and reflect on those really
hard moments and go, wow, I'm so proud of myself.
Speaker 3 (18:34):
What does love mean to you as this lippy now.
Speaker 4 (18:37):
Yeah, I think respect. I'm just talking to myself personally.
I really respect myself now. I think love means teamwork,
being able to work with yourself and to work with others.
I think it's warmth. I think it's grace. I think
(19:00):
it's really truly understanding and acknowledging that it's imperfect. It's
entirely imperfect. And you know, we want to be loved
in certain ways, and we want to love in certain ways,
and we're not going.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
To get it right.
Speaker 4 (19:16):
But having that willingness and that openness to move with
life life and to move with what is coming to us,
we won't always get it right, but we can keep
getting better, and we can keep getting better together.
Speaker 3 (19:30):
Thank you for coming on Little Love Stories, Libby. This
was a really beautiful conversation.
Speaker 1 (19:34):
No, thank you for having me. Grace.
Speaker 3 (19:37):
Libby's full Little Love story will be dropped into our
episode notes. If you have a story that you'd like
to share with us, we would love to hear it.
We're always on the lookout for great stories and new
perspectives for our This Glorious Mess site. No matter where
you come from or who you are to submit your story,
you can leave us a voice note or email us.
All the details are in our show notes. If you're
(19:59):
looking for something else to listen to, Mumma Me who's
presenting one hundred hours of summer listens from meaningful conversations,
incredible stories, fashion, beauty, and a bit of silliness. There's
a link to more things to listen to in the
show notes
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