Hops and Box Office Flops

Skyscraper is our highest grossing Try Hard Flop, but it’s also our dullest. A paint-by-numbers action movie with very little action to speak of, this thing is a CGI-bloated algorithm of genre tropes.

Instead of just allowing the Rock to go full 80s badass, we get the wounded warrior poet, who begrudgingly picks back up his “sword” to clear his name and save his family.

If only the villains were similarly overwritten. They’re just ...

White House Down was one of two action movies set in the nation’s capitol in 2013. And it is the far inferior one.

Despite costing $80 million more than Olympus Has Fallen, White House Down looks and plays like a cheap replica of the former. Its PG-13 rating is also watered down, robbing the film of any potential for over the top violence.

We thought this was America, damnit!

Now, sit back, lock and load an X Hero IPA from Revoluti...

Toy Soldiers is the proof that Samwise Gamgee isn't just a stupid, fat Hobbit. He was once a dickish prep school kid, who played by his own rules.

Despite his poor behaviors and utter disrespect for authority, he's also capable of heroic feats.

That is the central concept behind Toy Soldiers—trust fund kids versus Colombian terrorists. Like all Die Hard-inspired films, we know how it will end—improbably and with a dose of good old...

There are many things under siege in Under Siege 2: Dark Territory—the audience, Steven Seagal’s credibility as a tough guy, his belt, and the statutory laws of wherever they filmed.

None of those equate to an entertaining action movie, nor should they describe the sequel to a pretty solid film of the genre.

Yes, this movie sucks. But, it did essentially end the silly notion that Seagal was anything more than the blowhard that he a...

Filmed during the pandemic, 2025's War of the Worlds was shelved for four+ years before being foisted upon the unsuspecting public. This turd should've never been dusted off.

There is nothing less suspenseful than watching Ice Cube fluctuate between looking anxious, angry, disturbed, and smarmy whilst sitting at a computer screen.

Literally, that is the film.

Now, sit back, ease your migraine with a Hazy Sculpin from Ballast Point...

Jaws: The Revenge is the sad end to the great white's big screen carnivorous adventures.

Last episode, we skewered Jaws 3D for its cheap effects, lack of tension, and overall moronic story. Jaws: The Revenge is somehow worse. Sure, the shark effects are better (however moderately), but the story is nonsensical slop.

This time around, the prehistoric predator is out for more than just satisfying its own bloodlust. This hunt is perso...

Jaws 3D is the third entry in the killer shark franchise.

The original is still widely regarded as a classic. The second is a watchable flick with some decent gore. This one, however, is a shipwreck of epic proportions.

From its shoddy 3D effects to its dearth of tension, Jaws 3D never offers anything to justify its existence. Yes, money is why, but having a good idea or two wouldn't have hurt.

The titular fish terrorizing a SeaWo...

The Dark Tower is a woeful adaptation of Stephen King's beloved book series.

Condensing seven mainline stories into one undercooked film, The Dark Tower lacks any of the elements that made the novels so special.

It's a speed run, dumbing down the world and its lore so much that there's really no audience for it. Fans of the books were left dumbstruck, and newcomers were just confused.

The Dark Tower is a textbook example of not und...

Based on a 60s television show of the same name, The Man from UNCLE attempts to merge the cool of James Bond with real-world Cold War era politics.

The results are mixed. Directed by Guy Ritchie, it has all the hallmarks of one of his films—quippy banter, smooth action beats, and heroes that ooze charisma.

Well, one of the heroes is charismatic. And it's not the one who allegedly is into cannibalism. Henry Cavill is the engine that...

As a follow-up to the masterful Mad Max: Fury Road, Furiosa had a tough road to hoe. It mostly lives up to those lofty expectations, but it also suffers from the same ills that plague most prequels.

We essentially knew the titular Furiosa's story. It was told brilliantly through the performance of Charlize Theron. Seeing it fully realized onscreen, as beautiful as it can be, doesn't feel entirely necessary.

This only ends one way; ...

There was a time when Hasbro envisioned a cinematic universe. Battleship was a cog in that misguided wheel, an expensive one at that.

Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately for all us movie goers, Battleship sank before it even hit the seas.

Critics and audiences alike found little joy or interest in a $200 million dollar blockbuster based on a slow-paced board game.

To be fair, they were all correct. Battleship is a slog of a movie...

Batman Forever attempted to course correct the Caped Crusader's big screen adventures after its predecessor, Tim Burton's Batman Returns, was deemed too dark.

Swapping Burton for Joel Schumacher in the director's chair, the film certainly has a different feel than Returns. It trades the dark and moody Gotham for a more campy, neon soaked one.

That change may have led to greater receipts at the box office, but it hardly equated to a...

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is a fantastic neo-noir that is carried by outstanding lead performances from Robert Downey, Jr. (RDJ) and Val Kilmer.

Written and directed by Shane Black, it is a film that thrives on its witty banter, sleek visuals, and intricate plotting. Ok, that latter bit can sometimes be a bit convoluted, but that doesn't detract from the repartee.

Kilmer has never been better than he is here. And RDJ capitalized on his e...

The Island of Dr. Moreau has the ignoble distinction of being the only movie to appear on this podcast twice. But, to be fair, the first episode was in dire need of further conversation.

Thus, we've gone back to the island with all manor of misfit mutants. As we suspected, the film remains just as bizarre as ever. Like the ill-fated experiments of the titular doctor, The Island of Dr. Moreau itself is a Frankenstein's monster.

Hurr...

Real Genius was Val Kilmer's second big screen appearance. His first, Top Secret!, we also covered on this podcast.

Like that one, Real Genius is a tremendous showcase for his immense acting talents. This is a truly great 80s comedy, propelled by the infinite charisma of Kilmer as brilliant slacker Chris Knight.

It doesn't hurt that William Atherton plays his despicable foil Professor Jerry Hathaway. Atherton just excels at playing...

2024's Road House is surprisingly watchable, even if it pales in comparison to the original. Jake Gyllenhaal does a serviceable job as Elwood Dalton—the bouncer with a penchant for violence but a heart of gold. And the general premise of a man who busts up bar fights for a living is still wildly entertaining.

Where this one stumbles is the odd use of CGI to make the fights appear more "brutal." It's often distracting and offputting...

The Crow for a long time was considered a property that was untouchable. The tragedy of Brandon Lee's passing during the making of the 1994 film immortalized his portrayal for fans.

Although there was zero interest in the property being formally rebooted—there were three sequels and a TV show—the studio soldiered on.

They even ignored all the signs that it probably wasn't meant to be. The Crow's path back to the big screen saw mult...

2012's Total Recall lacks the bizarre charm of Paul Verhoeven's 1990 film. Substituting Mars for dystopian earth, the movie ultimately feels like just any other action movie.

Whereas the 1990 version was full of oddities, one-liners, and gore galore, this Total Recall is just a bland, PG-13 wannabe. What it lacks in personality and style, though, it does make up for with a few kinetic action scenes and solid special effects.

Those,...

The 2015 remake of Point Break is all style and no substance. It's an extreme sports highlight video that flourishes when the stunts are on display, but fizzles whenever the cast has to act.

Ultimately, there is just too much going on, and as we bound from place to place and stunt to stunt, very little in the way of plot or character depth is ever established.

Sure, having the radical Robin Hoods branch out into several extreme sp...