June 30, 2025 • 52 mins
Links:
Zoey's Book: https://www.lovecaninfactbecalculated.com/
Zoey's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/zoeycharif/
Free 5 Day Email Course: https://www.innerconfidence.com/start
Get NewBrew: https://www.drinknewbrew.com
Timestamps:
00:00 "Love, Betrayal, and Human Behavior"
03:52 Equally Invested Relationships Work
10:03 "Toxic Relationships and Unrealistic Expectations"
13:04 "Free Dating Course for Divorcees"
16:56 Resolution After Spousal Disagreement
18:49 "Self and Partner Score Matching"
22:01 Date Tips: The Questions Game
23:56 "Self-Love Key to Relationships"
29:18 90% Self-Confidence Mindset Boost
30:46 Enhancing Self-Perception Techniques
34:53 Self-Improvement Framework Guide
38:27 "Partner Trait Ratings: 70-75%"
42:23 Rethinking Age in Relationships
46:40 Evaluate Relationship Values
47:23 Beyond Infatuation in Relationships
51:05 Social Circle Success for Men
Connect w/ Robbie:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/robbie_kramer/
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@robbie.kramer
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
So you've heard it all before, Just follow your heart.
But what if your heart's been leading you in circles?
Well, today we're flipping the script and we're talking about
love as a system when you can optimize, measure, and actually
get better at. Just like your dating skills,
your finances or your golf swing, in my case.
So my guest is Zoe Sharif, author of Love Can in fact be
(00:20):
Calculated. It's a book grounded in 20 years
of research and data analytics from UC Irvine.
She's here to share a scientificframework that helps you improve
with both self love and partner love.
And yes, we're going to dive into emotional intelligence,
compatibility metrics, maybe even some tarot of what actually
predicts long term romantic success.
So whether you've been burned bybad instincts or confused by
(00:43):
mixed signals or just want to date like a guy who gets it,
this episode will maybe a smarter, clearer path forward.
So you're listening to the InnerConfidence podcast.
My name is Robbie Kramer, I've been a coach since 2007 and I've
helped countless men rapidly achieve all their social and
dating goals. My mission is simple to help you
position yourself to meet stunning women, make awesome
(01:04):
friends in route to becoming themost confident and attractive
version you can possibly be. I'm absolutely obsessed with
giving you the most leverage ways possible to win the game.
So stick around. Let's go.
Let's dive in. So Zoe, welcome.
Thanks for coming on. Thank you so much for the intro,
that was very well said, very well put.
I hope I got everything right. Yeah, no, it was on point.
(01:24):
Better than me, in fact. I love it so yeah.
I'll need that script. So can you kind of share the
origin of your love formula and,you know, how did your analytics
background get you into all thisand just kind of give us your
story, How'd you get into all this work?
Sure. Well, about 20 years ago when I
(01:44):
was in college, I was studying criminology.
So I've always had a very deep intrigue and passion for human
behavior. Around the same time, I was
dating someone that I was madly in love with and I was cheated
on. So all of a sudden, my laser
focus on about human behavior was now about love, love,
betrayal, and essentially how toavoid getting hurt because it
(02:07):
was just such a painful experience for me.
So with that, and I was searching online and I had a ton
of tabs open and there was one in particular that really stuck
out. The article said something to
the effect of you can't fall in love with someone unless they're
a match. And the author did not realize
how significant that was, right?So essentially the way my brain
(02:31):
works is like, OK, well, let's dive in deeper.
So essentially I started asking myself, how do you evaluate and
match? So that's how the formula came
about. I started as you just list your
top five values, you measure yourself against each of the
values. So essentially, how do you
measure up to your own standards?
(02:52):
And then eventually, as I was applying the formula and the
theory to my own relationships, I realized that it wasn't taking
into account attraction, you know, magnet, right, and the
magnetism that you feel for someone.
So then I extended it to top five trait preferences.
That is not necessarily based onwhat you want, but based on your
(03:12):
own patterns, right? Yeah.
So All in all, the theory says that whatever that numerical
assessment is that you have for yourself, you can't fall in love
with someone unless they're a match or they're above you.
And eventually, when I took dataanalytics in school at UC
Irvine, I confirmed that in fact, the people who rated their
(03:38):
partners as less than them, again, numerically ended up
eventually breaking up, whether it was a mutual breakup, an on
and off relationship, they were broken up with, or they were
doing the breakup. So yeah, I confirmed it.
I validated the theory well. I love that because I feel like
my 20 years of, you know, being a dating coach and just obsessed
(03:59):
with this whole field of study led me to, I think the the
strongest conclusion in my own life, which is that if you don't
have what I kind of call like anequally invested relationship,
it's not gonna work. And I've quantified that as both
people feeling like they both got a little bit lucky, not
(04:19):
super lucky, but both people feeling like, yeah, you know,
they're, they're like, you know,I got lucky and they feel like
the other person got lucky. And that's so hard to find.
Yeah. And all of my relationships that
failed for a long time, I alwaysfelt like I was kind of settling
and I kind of felt like, you know, I was, I was a jerk.
And you know, I, I was always breaking it off with, with
(04:42):
women. And then I, I remember having
this thought when I was in my early 30s.
I'm like, I wish just for once, like I could experience the
other side where I was so into agirl and then she dumped me.
And then I got like a a massive dose of that for like 3 straight
years which was terrible. Oh, be careful what you ask for
that you never respond right. Because I worked on myself a lot
(05:03):
and I was able to date women that I found more attractive,
but the I don't think I was taking into account a lot of
those, the necessary values, right?
And and then those would clash because I was basing everything
just pretty much off of looks and and fun.
Yeah. And so I experienced the other
side and then I realized, OK, that's I'm good on that.
(05:25):
Let me now, you know, try to find something that's more sync
than I met my wife in my late 30s, I'm 43 now, and that's the
sort of relationship we have. And it's amazing because we both
feel like we got a little bit lucky.
And I think your data basically backs that up.
A. 100% that's exactly it. We found that the couples who
are currently together on average saw their partner as an
(05:48):
average of 4%. Plus all other groups have lower
partner scores, even the 5% lower partner score.
They were on an on and off relationship.
So that lack of fulfillment was essentially projected into the
relationship. So they wouldn't show up as
reliable, they wouldn't show up with good communication, and
(06:08):
they essentially got lazy because they felt like they
could do better. In other words, to your point,
they felt like they were settling.
There are moments where it was good, it was safe, but All in
all, if that partner score is less, you're not likely going to
feel lucky. So exactly what they're saying
the the data confirms that. That's so cool.
(06:30):
And how did you arrive at the data?
300 surveys. So actually the beginning of it
was through the data analytics. I had a team of like 5 people
that was working with me on a team project.
And I think initially we startedwith 80 surveys or 100 surveys.
But for the book, I needed more surveys to just really like,
(06:50):
drive home the point that this is something to be looked at and
this is something to be taken seriously.
So I bumped it to 300 surveys. And with those 300 surveys,
again, the confirmation was justsaying that the only group that
had a higher partner score turned out to be the only group
that was still in a relationship.
Wow. And how rare was that to find,
(07:11):
you know, a relationship where the you had the like the four
percent, 4% or something close to that?
Yeah, I mean, that was the average.
It was the average. All the other averages were they
were all below, right. So the partner score was all
below their own score, their ownnumerical assessment for how
they felt they were measuring upto their standards, right.
(07:31):
Gotcha. And the way the sample size was
taken was because I hired a company to find survey takers.
I said specifically, I want X amount of people who are
currently in a relationship, X amount of people who are who
have been broken up with, X amount of people who did the
breaking up and then so on and so forth.
(07:52):
So I made sure that it was pretty equally distributed.
I also looked into the differentage groups, So, and clearly I
also wanted to see the difference between men and women
in terms of their values and trade preferences.
And I mean, if you want a littlebit of detail on that, just let
(08:13):
me know. Yeah.
But I thought it was, yeah. Because that was kind of my, my
next thought or question was, can you mention this briefly
when you were kind of telling melike how you, how you kind of
got into this work, which is what if you're relying too much
on chemistry or vibes instead ofreally understanding your
values? Because for me, I mean, I
(08:33):
didn't, I really didn't even know what my values were.
I kind of felt them. But I did a lot of work on
actually writing them down and uncovering and seeing like where
here's a value that I have, but I'm not actually living that
value. So, you know, I'm a little bit
of a fraud here and so, yeah, can you touch on all that and
how the data works? So I identified personality
(08:55):
types within this framework in terms of how people do their
calculations, The love formula, it does take into account
whether you're someone who's more values focused or traits
focused. If you tend to be more
emotional, if you tend to want that like dopamine hit, the the
magnetism, the like, Oh my God, I cannot live without this
person type of feeling, right? You are more traits focused.
(09:17):
So within these two groups there's a healthy type and an
extreme type. You can be a healthy practical,
which means that your values leading, or you can be an
extreme practical where you onlyfocus on values and not enough
on traits. Then you can be a healthy
emotional where your traits leading, right, or you can be an
(09:38):
extreme emotional and that's where you completely bypass the
values and you're like, I don't get care.
Like all I want is that magnetism.
So I do believe that we've all fallen into the extreme
emotional bucket. I know I have.
That's what I wouldn't say it caused my hard work, but you
know, it probably would have been less intense if I had
(09:59):
reviewed the values and seen if we're a match there, right?
Because I'm sure it's like, if you, if you're going highly on
the traits, you know, you're totally sort of ungrounded in
the relationship and you're probably very anxiously attached
and, and dependent. Odds are they're not having your
values anyways. So they do things that don't
(10:20):
really work for you. And you're like, you know, what
do I do about this? I'm so attached.
I don't want to get out of it. Then you just end up in this, I
guess, toxic situation I found myself in many times.
And, and I see that the most with guys who are just kind of
obsessed with this fantasy of finding their dream girl or
finding that, you know, their perfect type is 1.
I hear a lot like she has to look a certain way or have a
(10:41):
certain sort of personality. But then those I never see those
relationships really working out.
And I think it's exactly what you're talking about here.
Yeah. And I mean, that's on point.
So what we found from the surveys is that across the
board, what people were looking at was honesty and dependability
for their top value. And the top value for traits was
(11:02):
generosity and kindness, right? And I was so happy to see that
because it shows that the majority of people understand
what a long lasting relationshipneeds, right?
You need a rock. You need someone who's reliable
and who has a good heart, who's not going to be selfish, right?
And who will be there for you. With that said, if we are two
traits leaning and some of thosetrait preferences are
(11:26):
destructive, that's where it's areally big red flag.
In fact, before I met my husband, the traits that I had
that I was naturally into were not necessarily positive.
And it's not until I put pen to paper that AI realized that I
fell in the extreme emotional bucket.
So I was not paying attention tovalues, which is not OK, right?
(11:49):
Because you're you're, you're essentially stepping into self
harm, self harming tendencies. And also beyond that, the trait
preferences. They it's not like and and they
just were not necessarily conducive to a healthy
relationship. Sure.
So putting that pen on paper, I'm like, OK, why am I doing
this? So I started rewiring things in
(12:11):
my brain. I'm like, no, we're not doing
this anymore. Zoe, this is bullshit.
Like no. Probably made it easier to get
over it right a little bit. It made it so much easier to get
over and beyond that. When I met Kevin, who does not
necessarily fit my trait preferences, I told myself wait,
because he fit all the values and I knew that the trade
(12:34):
preferences that I usually was, you know, magnetized to are not
necessarily great. So I'm like, let me just wait.
And within a month or two months, Kevin and I started
laughing together, which was thething that I wanted the most.
We bonded and then we got engaged and then married, right?
So all to say, I got over my ownshit.
I stopped being an extreme emotional.
(12:55):
I was still a healthy emotional.In other words, I was still
looking for that chemistry, but I took values way more into
account and making this decisionabout who I was going to marry.
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(13:17):
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way. How much do you think has to do
(13:37):
with age and maturity? That's a really good question.
So I did find from the age groups that there were
differences in trait preferencesand differences also in values.
So I'll give you a perfect example.
The middle age groups, so between like I would say 25 and
(13:58):
45 for their top value, they didn't include purpose, whereas
the younger age group did and the older age group did.
And in my purpose, purpose, likebeing purpose driven, like what
drives you? Not money, not you know, like
what is you know. And to me, that's a natural
medicine, right? To me, it's if you live
(14:19):
purposefully, if you have a hobby that just feels like, like
to me, that's the natural high, right?
So I found that interesting. Sorry, sorry to cut you off.
Especially for guys, that's sucha big trigger of attraction.
Whether or not a guy's on his purpose or has a purpose, if you
don't, you know, women are gonnapretty quickly see, like,
where's this guy going? What is he doing?
What is he about? What are his values 'cause I
(14:40):
think your purpose signals a lotof your values.
And if your purpose is playing video games and living in your
mom's basement, that's that's not a very good trigger.
We're definitely not going to look into that, right?
Career and finances. So actually let me would you
like me to share with you what the top values were for women?
Yeah, that'd be great. OK, number one was honesty,
(15:01):
dependability, reliability. In other words, a woman wants to
know that she has her rock. And believe me, the score that
you have in your first three months can change and within the
next year or two years, three years.
In fact, my husband and I, we'vehad our little ups and downs.
This is normal. It's marriage, right?
But if you don't check that and you if if you don't put your pen
(15:23):
to paper and are able to articulate what's missing from
your partner, you're likely not going to climb out of a hole of
resentment and contempt, right? So that was the number one.
The second one was communication.
Style. When you say your score's
changing, does that mean you need to take an assessment every
(15:44):
year or so to to make sure that value is still the same?
Or what do you mean exactly by that?
Yeah, I'll give you an example. So six months into the
relationship, Kevin and I, we did the formula together.
He was 4, exactly 4% above me, actually, right.
And he didn't realize I admired him.
Yeah. And I'm like, yeah, I love you,
right. And he didn't realize.
And it actually made him feel great, right.
(16:06):
So here's the thing. After we were married, I think
within our first year, things gone a little rocky, right?
We were not aligned. We were arguing.
We were, we were not seeing eye to eye.
So we did the formula together again.
And here's what happened where Ifelt he was scoring less in
dependability and reliability. In other words, where's my rock?
(16:28):
I need my rock. I miss my rock, right?
He felt I was scoring less in communication manners.
And it's true, I was getting a little too sharp with my tongue,
a little too impatient, right? And so we're both unhappy with
each other. We're both projecting that shit
into our relationship and we're essentially doing this back and
(16:50):
forth of, well you suck, I'm going to reduce your score.
Sorry, not in those words, but you know what I mean.
I'm laughing because literally had the the same sort of fight,
a little fight. It ended with a very good
agreement with my wife, like just two days ago, where it's
exactly what you described, where at the crux of it, she
felt like I wasn't really kind of being there enough as her
(17:12):
rock. And I felt like she was being a
little bit too cutting and too critical, which was making me be
be less of a rock because I was,you know, pulling away a little
bit. Just didn't really notice it.
But like, that's that's literally what happens.
It's like one side feels a certain way the other side, then
you just kind of have this. It starts to build resentment.
So luckily we talked about it and everything was fine.
And now, now we're great. But yeah, it it can.
(17:36):
It can sneak. In and that communication is so
important. The beauty of this framework
it's is that it's a new way to articulate what's missing and a
new way to, to assign like standards and whether someone is
meeting your standards. Now, I always say this, this is,
this should never be used as a tool for bullying.
(17:59):
Don't be an asshole, right? But you know, like open up, it's
OK, right? And have some examples there in
terms of how your partner slipped with their communication
or slipped with being reliable. Yeah, right.
And all. And again, the goal should
always be be there for each other and nurture the
relationship and. So how do you arrive at the
(18:19):
score? You answer questions based on a
scale of, you know, one to five,one to 10, that sort of thing.
Yeah. So there's like there are a few
steps. So the first step is to assess
yourself score. The way you do that is by first
determining what your top five values are.
No one can choose this for you, right?
So if financial choices, career purpose, whatever it may be, go
(18:42):
ahead and list that. Then for each one you measure
how well you feel you approach that particular value.
If you feel like you yourself are not such a reliable person,
don't give yourself a top score,right?
If you yourself feel like there's room for growth career
wise or purpose, don't give yourself top score.
Once you have that, that's yourself score.
(19:03):
Then you measure your partner against your values and see how
they measure up. But then there's a second step
for your partner and you measurehow well they fit your trade
preferences. You average out the partner
value and the partner trades andthat total score for the
partner, that's what's to be compared with yourself score.
If they are about 4% above you, it seems like it's an ideal
(19:28):
match, right? If they are exactly a match,
that's OK too. If they're slightly below you,
it's not that it's and to add, it's that there will be moments
where where you'll feel unfulfilled and where you will
get lazy against their standards.
And then eventually it's a spiral.
You know what I mean? Yeah, for sure.
If let's say you're a single guyand you've been on a couple
(19:51):
dates, you know, with a woman and you're trying to decide, you
know, does this person, but I guess you can't really guess
where they're at. But you could, you could take
the the inventory for yourself, correct?
And and do your best to sort of see.
Yeah, a really good way to find out what someone's top five
values are is ask them what is your definition of
(20:14):
sophisticated? If they say sophisticated is
someone who dresses well, image is one of their top values.
If they say sophisticated is someone who can hold the house
down and, you know, is reliable in that sense, you can say
either financial decisions or career, right.
Interesting. I love that question.
If it's our. Yeah.
Yeah. So because it can be anything.
(20:37):
And then just dig, dig, find outwhat their top five values are
next. OK.
So the key here is not to deceive anyone.
Be yourself, be authentic, right?
Because assumption never works. Yeah.
But next you can find out, OK, well how do I think I measure up
to their values right? If I know that her value happens
to be purpose, maybe I should just sprinkle that in a bit more
(21:00):
in our conversations, right? Don't lie.
You're just emphasizing certain parts of yourself.
You're emphasizing certain layers.
Nothing wrong with that. It's a great way to kind of
figure out how what makes somebody tick too.
Oh, that's so great. I didn't even think of that.
So how would you, how what wouldthe question be?
What What is your deal breaker or what is?
Well, if you if you just ask them the thing that you just
(21:22):
said, what what, what was the question that you?
What is your definition of sophisticated?
Yeah, what's your definition of unsophisticated?
Totally. You asked that.
I love that totally normal thingto ask on a first date, you
know, maybe like 20-30 minutes in after you break the ice.
Like, you know, I even tell my clients to play this.
It's called the questions game. I'm sure you played it when you
(21:42):
were a kid or whatever. You know, just basically, you
know, you ask a question, then Iask a question and you have to
be honest and you're supposed toask questions that make the
other person either slightly uncomfortable or embarrassed.
So you can ask, you know, probing questions like that
people. Do that on Thursday.
Oh yeah, it's a thing. Well.
My clients think. That yeah.
(22:05):
So I, I typically tell them, youknow, to, to sort of play that
questions game. You know, maybe at the SEC, you
know, you go to the first place,you get a drink or a coffee and
then, you know, you take a little walk and go to another
place. And then, you know, you've kind
of settled into the date a little bit.
Everyone's a little bit less on edge.
And then you you bust out the questions game and see if she
wants to play and then you ask the question and now you kind of
(22:29):
know like, OK, does she is she more interested in these sorts
of things in a guy or these sorts of things?
And you kind of have an idea of like what put forward to put.
Obviously you don't want to use it to manipulate but.
Yeah, no, absolutely. It's a good way to find out
about the other person, because if you're not a match, you're
not a match. No need to force it, right?
(22:49):
Totally. And also, if you do force it,
the data shows that eventually it'll break down.
So, you know, save yourself the time.
Yeah, so don't do it. You know what I mean?
Totally. But I will say also, there's a
distortion that I came across. So when I say distortion, this
is it can be like a manipulationof scores or it can be what
(23:12):
happens if you don't have a healthy approach to start into
scoring and your scoring method.OK, so one of the distortions is
the deceiver, right? So there's there's a high level
deceiver, mid and low. If it's low, it means that
you're just kind of. You're withholding.
Withholding or omitting, omitting, you're omitting
(23:33):
certain facts about you. Not a big deal, right?
If you're a mid, you're talking about it, you're including the
information, but you're not providing the whole truth.
And then if you're a high level deceiver and this can happen
with your partners, this is a straight up lie.
Straight up lie. Like I'm CEO of such and such
and it's simply not true. And they haven't held the job
for like 3 months. You know what I mean?
This always comes out. Always, always.
(23:55):
So whether you're a woman looking to snatch a guy who's
got a high score and you're like, let me convince them I'm
also a high score. Or if you're a man you know
who's looking to impress a woman, that is never the Safeway
to go. The safest way to approach is to
be confident about your own score.
(24:16):
Another thing that the analyticsfound is that the people who are
currently in a relationship had a high self score.
In other words, if you don't respect yourself, if you think
that you're not approaching lifein a respectable way or in a
loving way, if you don't have self love, you are not likely
going to sustain a relationship.So that cliche, you can't love
(24:37):
someone else unless you love yourself.
I is numerically validated. I love that my clients are so
annoyed with me when I say that.But it's true, It's true you
will not sustain the relationship per the data,
right? So the goal.
Is gonna feel. They're gonna feel it.
They're gonna feel that, like you're lacking that confidence.
You don't feel that way. You're gonna wear it like a bad
Cologne and it's gonna hurt yourscore.
(24:59):
Yeah, exactly. They're always going to pick up
on it. So let's assume that you one of
your values is education, OK? And let's assume you're on a
date with an MD and you happen to have a bachelor's or nothing
at all. OK.
You could either lie about that or you could be confident in
yourself that there are different tools of education out
there or different modes of education.
(25:20):
If you listen to podcasts, if you read articles, if you know a
lot about the world, that is education.
Yeah. Right.
So when you approach that person, say with confidence, I
have a bachelors or whatever it may be or less right, but go
ahead and talk about your knowledge.
It's OK. But that strength and that
confidence will be felt. For sure.
(25:41):
Yeah, I love that too because there's such a draw to to
potentially, you know, fib the truth.
Or if you feel like they're higher status in a certain area,
your insecurity is going to comeout if you feel like you're not
owning it right. But what you said is so
important where you're like, listen, I may not have the PhD
or MD, but I've from the school of Hard Knocks and I've got a
(26:03):
lot of life experience and that's, you know, just as
valuable in a lot of cases more valuable than in the booksmarts
so. Yeah, yeah, I love what you
said. Own it.
Just own it. Be good.
Be strong, be confident, right? And in the end, the scores are
all about perception. There's no truth in them, right?
(26:23):
You could see a PhD and give them a 20% if you wanted to
because you're a jerk, right? Or you have high standards,
right? Or you could see someone with
like no certificate, not even a high school degree.
But they're so intelligent in how they speak and they know so
much. You give them top scores.
It's truly all about perception,not just for the other person,
(26:44):
but for yourself too. Totally right.
I guess at the end of the day, you're, you know, you're, you're
grading yourself on these numbers, You're not grading
yourself, but you're, you're taking inventory and then
you're, you're getting a score. And those are all based on
perception, right? And, and how she feels about you
or how she or how you feel abouther.
That's also all perception, right?
(27:04):
If you're confident, if you loveyourself, then you give her
access to the same and vice versa.
So I love how you're taking dataand like real world analytics
and applying that to this very sort of woo woo, what does it
all mean thing like love, which is very hard to quantify, but
no, it's it's genius. I love what you've done with
(27:25):
this SO. Thank you.
I mean I hope it helps. I'm so sorry.
Can you give me a quick? Sign.
Yeah, no problem. This is a good place to
introduce the sponsor. Have you ever tried Noobrew
before? I have not.
It's really good. My buddy founded this company
because he was a he was an alcoholic and he wanted to to
quit. And so he came up with this
euphoric seltzer. It's got kratom and Kava root.
(27:49):
OK Kava, I know that. What was the first one?
Kratom, it's like a kratom leaf,so OK.
Interesting. Yeah, and I mean, my wife drinks
these when she golfs because it like it chills her out and she
plays better if I drink more than one.
I'm completely I'm done for the day.
So does it chill you out? Does it give you a buzz?
(28:09):
Like what does it do? It's a very slight buzz for me,
but for other people they say it's pretty intense.
If I drink too many I start feeling kind of headache Y and a
little bit like. Interesting.
Woozy, but but I, you know, my sister, my wife, a bunch of
people I know are like, this is great and there's no booze in it
so. Yeah, no, I would love to try.
Where, Where do you find it or what?
(28:30):
Where? Do you find it drink new
brew.com So yeah. So yeah, there'll be a link in
the description if anyone else wants to grab one.
Awesome. Thank you.
Yeah. But yeah, So getting back to it,
So what do you have any sort of wisdom or tips for people who
are kind of sitting there listening like, yeah, I don't
really love myself enough and how can I improve my score in
(28:55):
that? So if it's OK, I would love to
talk about spirituality a bit. Yeah.
So a few years back, I would say5 or 6 years ago, I hit rock
bottom. So I was dating someone.
It was really bad breakup at that point, my career was
nowhere, purpose was nowhere. I was just nowhere.
I felt so low. So what I ended up doing was
(29:19):
putting in the background of my phone 90% to me when I did that,
it was 90% is what I want to getto in terms of a self score.
So two things happened. A my subconscious started to
assume that I'm a 90%. So the things that I was so hard
on myself on, I'm like, no, why am I giving myself such a low
score, right? And I started bumping up my
(29:42):
score. But beyond that, the universe
actually started gifting me things that validated the 90
percent and then a high score. So when I had first done this, I
think I was at like a 60%, whichaccording to scores is below
average for self-confidence. So just a side note, for men,
the average self score was 73%. For women, the average self
(30:05):
score was 76%. So 60 was actually quite low at
that time. And little by little, I started
working on myself. I started reprogramming, re
evaluating how I view myself. But beyond that, I feel like the
was also gifting me, right, Yeah.
And giving me reasons to feel like I am truly a 90%.
(30:25):
So essentially it was an affirmation.
It was an affirmation that I didfor myself.
So there is a very strong spiritual element to this
framework as much as it's logical, because it's step by
step that the affirmations, theyare quite significant.
Like the universe will respond to how you view yourself, right?
How you choose to view yourself.So that's one way to kind of
(30:49):
increase yourself score. Another way, the book, in the
back of the book, there's a guide on how to work on that.
So for example, and going back to education, if you feel like
you score low in education, the idea is give yourself a list of
things that fall within the realm of education and work on
it day by day. Even if there's like an upward
(31:10):
trend in terms of how you feel, you're improving yourself.
Score will improve, right? Your perception of yourself will
improve. That little nugget of knowledge
that you picked up from the podcast will make you feel good.
Your serotonin will be, you know, activated your dopamine
and you'll feel accomplished, right?
So because we're looking at perception, much of that is
(31:31):
based on emotion. How do you emotionally feel
about yourself, right? Yeah.
So those are the two ways I would suggest to increase the
self score, A, by understanding there's a spiritual element to
it and a subconscious element and B action, right?
Ask yourself what falls within the realm of this value and what
(31:51):
can you do to make yourself feelbetter.
I love that because it actually takes a feeling and gives you an
actionable step to improve at it, right?
Because I think guys get really frustrated people in general
when they hear the whole no one can love you unless you love
yourself because it's like, okaygreat, thanks.
What the fuck do I do with that now?
What the fuck am I supposed? Well, that thanks a lot.
(32:13):
I guess I'm fine. Yeah, I know right.
But here you can, you can take an inventory, you can figure out
your values and you can fit and you can assign a number.
And like you said, ask yourself,like, how can I improve?
And just from that alone, I feellike, you know, the universe
will will start to to help you cuz you're putting awareness and
consciousness on something that prior to that felt kind of woo
(32:35):
or airy fairy. Exactly.
Exactly. The universe loves it when
you're specific. If you specifically want to work
on education, you specifically put your intention behind it.
The universe will specifically give you with reasons to feel
like you're educated, you know what I mean?
Yeah, I'm curious how Tarot plays into this.
(32:56):
And before you answer my, let metake a guess.
I feel like Tarot is very helpful for sort of figuring out
some of your emotions and what your values are and how you can
can level up in, in certain, certain areas and how you can
sort of see your own patterns. And the, the, the characters in
tarot, these archetypes, you know, like the magician and the
sorcerer, all these like, you can see yourself in them and the
(33:19):
positives and the weaknesses arethe benefits.
And I know you've got a big background in that.
And I tell my clients all the time that they should study
tarot or astrology things that they're first of all, they're
very relatable and most guys don't.
So you have a little bit of a leg up on a date or something
like that because so many women are into it.
So it's a great way to connect, but.
I mean, tarot is an interesting science because it takes into
(33:43):
it. First of all, it's meant to be
spiritual, but it takes into account all the elements, right?
So Swords is intellect cups or emotions.
You have the pentacles that deals with your money and you
have the wands that deals with your drives and your passion
when you pull out a card. So if you have a very specific
question, the question might be how do I want to show up on the
(34:05):
seat or universe, God, angels orsubconscious?
Your own subconscious. Please guide me in terms of how
I can best approach the state. And a card pulls out.
The beauty is that you're reading it through your lens.
Your lens is your own subconscious.
It's your own fears. It's your, it's your own
(34:26):
understanding of yourself, right?
So if it says Queen of Wands, for example, it might say, hey,
go out there, be confident, be yourself, be you, right?
If it's Queen of cups or king ofCups, it might say, soften your
heart a bit. Just be open, right?
If it's the Pentacles, it's you know what?
Go ahead and look hot today. Now's your time.
(34:46):
Go fucking feel yourself. You know what I mean?
So here's what I would say relating it to the framework.
The framework is meant to identify where you feel less
than and to work on that now, before a date, before dinner
with your spouse, before whatever it may be, just pull
out one card. Speak out what you see.
(35:06):
Speak it out. What's likely going to happen is
you're going to identify the parts within yourself that you
either need to work on or that you need to amplify, emphasize,
whatever it may be, right? Or that layer that might be a
little hidden, just bring it out, right?
And whether it's your softness or whatever, and that can also
possibly relate to the values that you've picked out.
(35:29):
Is there anything that needs to be adjusted there?
Are you being either fair to yourself or unrealistic with
your score? Right?
What is the truth here? And same thing with your trade
preferences. Did you get into tarot first or
this whole study year? First yeah, I mean, this study
came to me probably 20 years agoTarot I've been studying tarot
(35:53):
1015 years. I would I would say for sure 10
years I probably got introduced to it 15 years ago, but I I
never like did anything with it.Gotcha.
Yeah, I tarot is a beautiful, beautiful way to understand
yourself. And if you do believe in God, if
you do believe in your angels, in my opinion, they speak to you
(36:14):
through the cards. Yeah, I love asking.
I mean, I don't, I don't do readings or anything, but I have
some friends who do and I I lovegetting readings.
It's just, you know, it's fun. Like like anything.
Yeah. You know, you get these insights
and you pull a card. You never know.
I love to gamble and I love playing card games so.
Poker. I'm a Texas holdem person.
(36:35):
Oh yeah. Big time.
I love it yeah. I I played semi professionally
my first quarter into college basically.
So it's back when it was easy towin when it when it became hard
to win back when. It was easy to win.
That's funny. So is is attraction something
you can calculate with the score?
Yeah. So the trait preferences
(36:57):
essentially is attraction. Do you mean how someone is
attracted to you or vice versa how you're attracted to someone?
Yeah, either, I mean, I guess you'll explain how how you you
know, you can pretty easily figure out if you're attracted
to them based on the school. That's right.
So since we're talking about it for all the men out there, I'm
gonna tell you what the top traits are for women.
(37:18):
So what they're inherently attracted to, the number one was
generosity and thoughtfulness and kindness #2 which was almost
the same as number one was humor.
They love to laugh. What would they?
We love to laugh. And it's true because that's
what got me and Kevin bonded, right?
It's when we started like, cracking up and laughing
(37:39):
together. How did you guys meet by the
way, or actually let's go through them and then I, I have
some questions. Yeah.
OK, I'll, I'll call you in a second.
So the third one for women was body shape, height, and
appearance, right? So it does matter for women.
The 4th 1 was being passionate and driven and ambitious.
The women generally enjoyed this.
(38:00):
By the way, if you go on the site, you'll see the difference
of age groups because it did depend on the age group.
These are just general averages.And then the fifth one was
intelligence, intelligent, sharp, quick thinking.
So we can see some themes here, right?
Like humor, kindness, right, appearance and all of that.
(38:20):
So here's the beauty. If you lack in one of them, if
you're good with the others, you're probably fine, right.
Or if you are really strong withthree of them and just slightly
not so great with either humor or you feel like your physical
body is not, you know, in top shape, right.
It actually kind of doesn't matter that much.
Yeah. As long as you're generally
(38:43):
above a 70% to 75%. So that was the average score of
what people rated their partner for traits between 70 and 75%.
75% out of their whatever 100. Yeah, exactly.
It has to be at least that. So if you're 500 lbs and you're
bedridden, you got to be really funny, is what you're saying?
(39:04):
Really funny because bedridden would fall under passionate,
driven, ambitious and if you're not?
And also body shape, so yeah. And yeah, so really funny and
really generous. Yeah.
But hey, man, it works. I mean, yeah, yeah, really.
Generous, really funny, and yeah, I think you're screwed.
(39:27):
But. Yeah, so men, men also, as their
number one, had generosity, thoughtfulness and kindness #2
for men was body shape, hide andappearance.
Nothing wrong with that. Men are very visual.
The number 31 for men was humor.So men love to laugh too.
And it actually turns out that they want someone that laughs at
(39:48):
their jokes. Has a similar.
Sense of humor. And the fourth one that came up
that did not come out for women was sexual sensual.
So I think men are more driven by a woman who is comfortable
with herself and who's willing to, you know, just, yeah, be
open. Open in that sense.
Is that also maybe linked to like a feminine essence, like a
(40:10):
softness you could say could? Be Well, actually, it's so funny
that you set that because you know what?
The next one is intuitive, good instinct, emotional
intelligence. OK, so I think so.
I think so. So the other one was sexual
sensual, whatever that may mean,however they define it.
But the one right after was intuitive and.
(40:31):
Emotional. That was, I guess the one that I
was thinking about. Yeah, yeah.
And then the final one, which was the 5th, so exact, like head
to head was passionate, driven, ambitious.
So men actually do want to see that in women as well, right.
But yeah. And where was the passion,
ambitious, driven for women, that was #3?
Or two number four. 4. OK.
(40:53):
And for men, it's #5 gotcha. Toe to toe with the that.
All checks out with my experience.
There you go. Perfectly.
There you go. Yeah.
And these are all things that can be worked on, by the way,
like appearance. So when we say body shape,
height, appearance, again, we didn't go deep into what exactly
they meant by that. But if you take care of
(41:14):
yourself, you work out, you havegood hygiene, right?
Like we're looking for a package.
We're not looking for like a Unicorn or anything, right?
We're just looking at how you see what I mean.
So these are all things that canbe worked on, Witty, clever.
I do believe that everyone in their own way, it is funny and
(41:35):
clever. It just, you know, but everyone
has their own little like niche.Like I enjoy dark humor to be
honest with you, right? And it just so happens that my
husband also has dark humor and does funny accents with that's.
Great. And you don't something with
dark humor, right? Like it takes a little bit
longer to figure something like that out, right?
Because it's like, well, I don'tknow if if I really want to
(41:56):
share that part, but. Totally.
That's why it took us a month. I'm like, oh, oh, you have that
lyric. So what, what were the traits
that maybe previously would have, you know, I, I guess
disqualified him and then what did you realize you were missing
or you weren't, you know, clear about that?
(42:19):
That made you a lot more attracted to him and knew that
he was the one for you. I'll tell you.
So I used to date older men. They Kevin is younger than me,
so he's younger by two years. And that would have been a huge
no go in the past. Yeah, right.
And then eventually I realized I'm like, why am I doing this?
Like, there's no, he gives a shit, you know what I mean?
(42:40):
If they're a good person. So I ended up removing that from
my trait preferences. But again, just because you're
removing it doesn't make it true.
So you literally have to rewire your brain to tell yourself,
hey, like, there's no reason to have that trait preference,
right? Right.
I. Guess there's a lot of with
women, you know, you hear the, what is it, 64 blue eyes, the
(43:02):
trust fund, you know, that wholesong, right, where it's like
they have their, you know, theirqualifications and those
qualifications may not be actually grounded in any of of
your traits versus values, right?
It just might be an arbitrary thing like you're describing.
He's got to be older. But but why like does that?
Actually, yeah, exactly. Why, though?
(43:22):
Exactly. So the other one was culture.
So I'm Afghan. In my past, I've tended to like,
be more attracted to people who are of my culture, Right.
Why? I grew up in Canada, I live in
Socal. I my English is just fine like
why am I looking for someone of my culture right What's wrong
(43:45):
with white people So Kevin's white it's.
Hard to date with that. There's not that many Afghani
people in Socal, right? Exactly.
I like my pool is super narrow, right.
Like it's it's all great. I'm looking for older like, you
know, so Kevin being a younger white man, you know, and we met
at the dog park, by the way, ourdogs met before us.
(44:08):
Oh, I love it. So yeah, yeah.
So he, we started talking. We started talking.
I think the first time we talkedwas probably like, I can't
remember, maybe 30 minutes, an hour maybe.
And the next day I didn't. Well, he has his version of the
story, but the real version is that he was looking for me.
His version was that I was looking for him.
(44:30):
Bullshit. But so we saw each other the
next day and we ended up talkingmore and he asked me out.
He asked me out and we went out for dinner and it was very, very
different to what I'm used to. For first date, yeah, it was the
dogs. No.
Dogs, no. But you know what?
(44:51):
Even after that first date, I think if there was any other
situation, I would have told myself, I don't see the
alignment and I probably would have cut it off almost right
away. But a he fit the values very
well. And I knew that my trait
preferences were not good or they weren't fair, they weren't
reasonable, right? And also because we're, we both
(45:14):
use the same dog park, living indifferent buildings, but same
dog park, there was exposure. So the familiarity started to
play in, and then eventually I started laughing.
And to me that was a big deal. So of course the attraction grew
from there on. And yeah, so it turned out to be
(45:34):
a match. You met at the park, met again
the next day at the park, just randomly, right?
Same time, same place, randomly,right?
And then he asked you how you guys went to dinner and then you
continued going on dates or you just kind of saw him at the dog
park. And how did that transpire?
OK, Yeah. So we would coordinate our times
(45:58):
to meet at the dog park. We were texting and honestly,
like, we didn't kiss until our fifth date.
So it was a very slow burn, right?
But again, so different to like what I've allowed myself to be
exposed to. But I'm so glad I opened my
mind. Yeah, right.
And that's what I would say for anyone who falls into.
(46:19):
I don't like using the word talks like.
I would prefer to say like on healed or lacking self-awareness
patterns that lack self-awareness.
I like that toxic gets thrown around a lot.
Yeah, and it's mean. It's mean.
It's not fair to the person. No one is trying to be malicious
or a jerk or toxic. You know what I mean?
Sometimes it just comes from notknowing any better.
(46:39):
Yeah. Yeah.
But if it comes down to you keepfalling into these patterns, do
an inventory check of the valuesand ask yourself if honesty and
communications fit there. And if they don't, ask yourself
why, and ask yourself what's replacing it and whether those
things that are replacing it. You're calling in a rock and
(47:01):
you're calling in someone who iswilling to work on things with
you. You know, it's so important
because if I'm being honest withyou, if I was to evaluate my
past relationships before Kevin on reliability and
communication, they're scoring very low, right?
If I had just done that assessment, it would have saved
(47:22):
me a lot of time. Sure, because I'm guessing like
most people you would just be looking for is attraction there.
Do I get those feelings, those butterflies, Right.
And it's like that stuff. It doesn't, I mean when I say it
doesn't last, I don't mean it does like attraction goes away,
but the infatuation period, you know all all of your partner
(47:42):
who's so exciting and mesmerizing.
It like everybody, you get to know them and it gets a little
bit boring. But the boring doesn't have to
be boring. The boring.
It's like I heard this quote from Mark Banson, who who I
think is very brilliant, but he said when you're in a long term
relationship, the, the sort of the fun and the adventure can
diminish. But then there's a whole new
(48:05):
sort of adventure and and fun because you know the person so
well, you get to be yourself even more so around them.
And so it's, I love that a much deeper sort of vulnerability and
it's it's. Totally.
Yeah. And you're not self-conscious.
You're confident and it feels safe, feel stable.
You know, they're not going anywhere.
I absolutely love that. And it's the truth.
It's I, at least for my experience.
(48:27):
Yeah, yeah, I was always, you know, worried about, I guess I
had the Peter Pan syndrome that they talked about, right?
I was single a lot and worried that a relationship meant my
freedom being taken away. But it was all through this
paradigm and I wasn't doing any of the calculations based on the
metrics that you talked about which were which were really
(48:48):
important. And then I kind of, I did that
and then my wife showed up so. Yeah, Yeah.
No, that's great. And again, I do believe that
like it does come with experience and maturity.
I do think that we've all fallenin the extreme emotional
personality type bucket at some point and then something clicks
in our head hopefully like, oh, I should, I should be more
(49:08):
careful next time I make smart choices, you know for sure.
So is there anything else that you feel like we didn't touch on
that would be really sort of juicy info for for guys?
I mean we, we covered so much already.
I wouldn't say there's anything else because I feel like we
covered so much, but I I think Ireally want to emphasize the
(49:29):
point of self-confidence in sustaining a relationship and
these words get thrown around right?
Like again, can't fall in love with someone else unless you
love yourself. Ask yourself what your values
are. Grade yourself with each value
and work on that because that will show in your body language.
(49:51):
It will show in your own standards.
By the way, you are less likely going to put up with shit if you
feel good about yourself and youfeel strong in terms of how,
how, what type of human you are and how you approach life.
So I would just really like emphasize that part.
I I love that, especially given the the name of this podcast,
so. Yeah, there you go.
(50:12):
There you go. Spot on message.
I love it. Yeah.
Yeah. So it tells where can people get
your book find out more? Anything else that you know you
want the listeners to know? Sure.
Well, you can find it on the Barnes and Noble website or
Amazon. So, Zoe, thanks so much for
coming on. Thank you so much.
I'm sure everyone listening, I'mgonna take the the the survey or
(50:34):
whatever you called the questionnaire.
Yeah, Sort. Of figure out where I'm at and
I'll have my wife do it it'll. Be fun.
And actually, once you do the assessment, if you ever want to
kind of like gain more understanding in terms of how to
interpret it, just ask me. Ask me.
I yeah, I know this stuff like that.
Yeah, I'd love to. I'll I'll do that for sure.
(50:55):
OK, cool. Well, thank you so much, Robbie.
I appreciate it. Thanks, Zoe.
Appreciate being here. Yeah.
Thanks so much for coming on. Have a great rest of your day
you. Too.
Bye bye bye. Out of all the guys I know, the
only ones who managed to consistently win the game are
those who built and invested in a high status social circle.
You can certainly approach womenand try your luck on the apps if
(51:16):
you're a Chad, but those strategies simply don't work
consistently to attract top tierwomen and awesome friends in
your life. But for most guys, the idea of
building a social circle can feel overwhelming, so they
continue to hunt for women in their usual ways and end up
settling for a girl they were never really that excited about
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(51:36):
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You already know it's hard to find wing men because the good
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(51:58):
join the links in the description.
So you've heard it all before, Just follow your heart.
But what if your heart's been leading you in circles?
Well, today we're flipping the script and we're talking about
love as a system when you can optimize, measure, and actually
get better at. Just like your dating skills,
your finances or your golf swing, in my case.
So my guest is Zoe Sharif, author of Love Can in fact be
(00:20):
Calculated. It's a book grounded in 20 years
of research and data analytics from UC Irvine.
She's here to share a scientificframework that helps you improve
with both self love and partner love.
And yes, we're going to dive into emotional intelligence,
compatibility metrics, maybe even some tarot of what actually
predicts long term romantic success.
So whether you've been burned bybad instincts or confused by
(00:43):
mixed signals or just want to date like a guy who gets it,
this episode will maybe a smarter, clearer path forward.
So you're listening to the InnerConfidence podcast.
My name is Robbie Kramer, I've been a coach since 2007 and I've
helped countless men rapidly achieve all their social and
dating goals. My mission is simple to help you
position yourself to meet stunning women, make awesome
(01:04):
friends in route to becoming themost confident and attractive
version you can possibly be. I'm absolutely obsessed with
giving you the most leverage ways possible to win the game.
So stick around. Let's go.
Let's dive in. So Zoe, welcome.
Thanks for coming on. Thank you so much for the intro,
that was very well said, very well put.
I hope I got everything right. Yeah, no, it was on point.
(01:24):
Better than me, in fact. I love it so yeah.
I'll need that script. So can you kind of share the
origin of your love formula and,you know, how did your analytics
background get you into all thisand just kind of give us your
story, How'd you get into all this work?
Sure. Well, about 20 years ago when I
(01:44):
was in college, I was studying criminology.
So I've always had a very deep intrigue and passion for human
behavior. Around the same time, I was
dating someone that I was madly in love with and I was cheated
on. So all of a sudden, my laser
focus on about human behavior was now about love, love,
betrayal, and essentially how toavoid getting hurt because it
(02:07):
was just such a painful experience for me.
So with that, and I was searching online and I had a ton
of tabs open and there was one in particular that really stuck
out. The article said something to
the effect of you can't fall in love with someone unless they're
a match. And the author did not realize
how significant that was, right?So essentially the way my brain
(02:31):
works is like, OK, well, let's dive in deeper.
So essentially I started asking myself, how do you evaluate and
match? So that's how the formula came
about. I started as you just list your
top five values, you measure yourself against each of the
values. So essentially, how do you
measure up to your own standards?
(02:52):
And then eventually, as I was applying the formula and the
theory to my own relationships, I realized that it wasn't taking
into account attraction, you know, magnet, right, and the
magnetism that you feel for someone.
So then I extended it to top five trait preferences.
That is not necessarily based onwhat you want, but based on your
(03:12):
own patterns, right? Yeah.
So All in all, the theory says that whatever that numerical
assessment is that you have for yourself, you can't fall in love
with someone unless they're a match or they're above you.
And eventually, when I took dataanalytics in school at UC
Irvine, I confirmed that in fact, the people who rated their
(03:38):
partners as less than them, again, numerically ended up
eventually breaking up, whether it was a mutual breakup, an on
and off relationship, they were broken up with, or they were
doing the breakup. So yeah, I confirmed it.
I validated the theory well. I love that because I feel like
my 20 years of, you know, being a dating coach and just obsessed
(03:59):
with this whole field of study led me to, I think the the
strongest conclusion in my own life, which is that if you don't
have what I kind of call like anequally invested relationship,
it's not gonna work. And I've quantified that as both
people feeling like they both got a little bit lucky, not
(04:19):
super lucky, but both people feeling like, yeah, you know,
they're, they're like, you know,I got lucky and they feel like
the other person got lucky. And that's so hard to find.
Yeah. And all of my relationships that
failed for a long time, I alwaysfelt like I was kind of settling
and I kind of felt like, you know, I was, I was a jerk.
And you know, I, I was always breaking it off with, with
(04:42):
women. And then I, I remember having
this thought when I was in my early 30s.
I'm like, I wish just for once, like I could experience the
other side where I was so into agirl and then she dumped me.
And then I got like a a massive dose of that for like 3 straight
years which was terrible. Oh, be careful what you ask for
that you never respond right. Because I worked on myself a lot
(05:03):
and I was able to date women that I found more attractive,
but the I don't think I was taking into account a lot of
those, the necessary values, right?
And and then those would clash because I was basing everything
just pretty much off of looks and and fun.
Yeah. And so I experienced the other
side and then I realized, OK, that's I'm good on that.
(05:25):
Let me now, you know, try to find something that's more sync
than I met my wife in my late 30s, I'm 43 now, and that's the
sort of relationship we have. And it's amazing because we both
feel like we got a little bit lucky.
And I think your data basically backs that up.
A. 100% that's exactly it. We found that the couples who
are currently together on average saw their partner as an
(05:48):
average of 4%. Plus all other groups have lower
partner scores, even the 5% lower partner score.
They were on an on and off relationship.
So that lack of fulfillment was essentially projected into the
relationship. So they wouldn't show up as
reliable, they wouldn't show up with good communication, and
(06:08):
they essentially got lazy because they felt like they
could do better. In other words, to your point,
they felt like they were settling.
There are moments where it was good, it was safe, but All in
all, if that partner score is less, you're not likely going to
feel lucky. So exactly what they're saying
the the data confirms that. That's so cool.
(06:30):
And how did you arrive at the data?
300 surveys. So actually the beginning of it
was through the data analytics. I had a team of like 5 people
that was working with me on a team project.
And I think initially we startedwith 80 surveys or 100 surveys.
But for the book, I needed more surveys to just really like,
(06:50):
drive home the point that this is something to be looked at and
this is something to be taken seriously.
So I bumped it to 300 surveys. And with those 300 surveys,
again, the confirmation was justsaying that the only group that
had a higher partner score turned out to be the only group
that was still in a relationship.
Wow. And how rare was that to find,
(07:11):
you know, a relationship where the you had the like the four
percent, 4% or something close to that?
Yeah, I mean, that was the average.
It was the average. All the other averages were they
were all below, right. So the partner score was all
below their own score, their ownnumerical assessment for how
they felt they were measuring upto their standards, right.
(07:31):
Gotcha. And the way the sample size was
taken was because I hired a company to find survey takers.
I said specifically, I want X amount of people who are
currently in a relationship, X amount of people who are who
have been broken up with, X amount of people who did the
breaking up and then so on and so forth.
(07:52):
So I made sure that it was pretty equally distributed.
I also looked into the differentage groups, So, and clearly I
also wanted to see the difference between men and women
in terms of their values and trade preferences.
And I mean, if you want a littlebit of detail on that, just let
(08:13):
me know. Yeah.
But I thought it was, yeah. Because that was kind of my, my
next thought or question was, can you mention this briefly
when you were kind of telling melike how you, how you kind of
got into this work, which is what if you're relying too much
on chemistry or vibes instead ofreally understanding your
values? Because for me, I mean, I
(08:33):
didn't, I really didn't even know what my values were.
I kind of felt them. But I did a lot of work on
actually writing them down and uncovering and seeing like where
here's a value that I have, but I'm not actually living that
value. So, you know, I'm a little bit
of a fraud here and so, yeah, can you touch on all that and
how the data works? So I identified personality
(08:55):
types within this framework in terms of how people do their
calculations, The love formula, it does take into account
whether you're someone who's more values focused or traits
focused. If you tend to be more
emotional, if you tend to want that like dopamine hit, the the
magnetism, the like, Oh my God, I cannot live without this
person type of feeling, right? You are more traits focused.
(09:17):
So within these two groups there's a healthy type and an
extreme type. You can be a healthy practical,
which means that your values leading, or you can be an
extreme practical where you onlyfocus on values and not enough
on traits. Then you can be a healthy
emotional where your traits leading, right, or you can be an
(09:38):
extreme emotional and that's where you completely bypass the
values and you're like, I don't get care.
Like all I want is that magnetism.
So I do believe that we've all fallen into the extreme
emotional bucket. I know I have.
That's what I wouldn't say it caused my hard work, but you
know, it probably would have been less intense if I had
(09:59):
reviewed the values and seen if we're a match there, right?
Because I'm sure it's like, if you, if you're going highly on
the traits, you know, you're totally sort of ungrounded in
the relationship and you're probably very anxiously attached
and, and dependent. Odds are they're not having your
values anyways. So they do things that don't
(10:20):
really work for you. And you're like, you know, what
do I do about this? I'm so attached.
I don't want to get out of it. Then you just end up in this, I
guess, toxic situation I found myself in many times.
And, and I see that the most with guys who are just kind of
obsessed with this fantasy of finding their dream girl or
finding that, you know, their perfect type is 1.
I hear a lot like she has to look a certain way or have a
(10:41):
certain sort of personality. But then those I never see those
relationships really working out.
And I think it's exactly what you're talking about here.
Yeah. And I mean, that's on point.
So what we found from the surveys is that across the
board, what people were looking at was honesty and dependability
for their top value. And the top value for traits was
(11:02):
generosity and kindness, right? And I was so happy to see that
because it shows that the majority of people understand
what a long lasting relationshipneeds, right?
You need a rock. You need someone who's reliable
and who has a good heart, who's not going to be selfish, right?
And who will be there for you. With that said, if we are two
traits leaning and some of thosetrait preferences are
(11:26):
destructive, that's where it's areally big red flag.
In fact, before I met my husband, the traits that I had
that I was naturally into were not necessarily positive.
And it's not until I put pen to paper that AI realized that I
fell in the extreme emotional bucket.
So I was not paying attention tovalues, which is not OK, right?
(11:49):
Because you're you're, you're essentially stepping into self
harm, self harming tendencies. And also beyond that, the trait
preferences. They it's not like and and they
just were not necessarily conducive to a healthy
relationship. Sure.
So putting that pen on paper, I'm like, OK, why am I doing
this? So I started rewiring things in
(12:11):
my brain. I'm like, no, we're not doing
this anymore. Zoe, this is bullshit.
Like no. Probably made it easier to get
over it right a little bit. It made it so much easier to get
over and beyond that. When I met Kevin, who does not
necessarily fit my trait preferences, I told myself wait,
because he fit all the values and I knew that the trade
(12:34):
preferences that I usually was, you know, magnetized to are not
necessarily great. So I'm like, let me just wait.
And within a month or two months, Kevin and I started
laughing together, which was thething that I wanted the most.
We bonded and then we got engaged and then married, right?
So all to say, I got over my ownshit.
I stopped being an extreme emotional.
(12:55):
I was still a healthy emotional.In other words, I was still
looking for that chemistry, but I took values way more into
account and making this decisionabout who I was going to marry.
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way. How much do you think has to do
(13:37):
with age and maturity? That's a really good question.
So I did find from the age groups that there were
differences in trait preferencesand differences also in values.
So I'll give you a perfect example.
The middle age groups, so between like I would say 25 and
(13:58):
45 for their top value, they didn't include purpose, whereas
the younger age group did and the older age group did.
And in my purpose, purpose, likebeing purpose driven, like what
drives you? Not money, not you know, like
what is you know. And to me, that's a natural
medicine, right? To me, it's if you live
(14:19):
purposefully, if you have a hobby that just feels like, like
to me, that's the natural high, right?
So I found that interesting. Sorry, sorry to cut you off.
Especially for guys, that's sucha big trigger of attraction.
Whether or not a guy's on his purpose or has a purpose, if you
don't, you know, women are gonnapretty quickly see, like,
where's this guy going? What is he doing?
What is he about? What are his values 'cause I
(14:40):
think your purpose signals a lotof your values.
And if your purpose is playing video games and living in your
mom's basement, that's that's not a very good trigger.
We're definitely not going to look into that, right?
Career and finances. So actually let me would you
like me to share with you what the top values were for women?
Yeah, that'd be great. OK, number one was honesty,
(15:01):
dependability, reliability. In other words, a woman wants to
know that she has her rock. And believe me, the score that
you have in your first three months can change and within the
next year or two years, three years.
In fact, my husband and I, we'vehad our little ups and downs.
This is normal. It's marriage, right?
But if you don't check that and you if if you don't put your pen
(15:23):
to paper and are able to articulate what's missing from
your partner, you're likely not going to climb out of a hole of
resentment and contempt, right? So that was the number one.
The second one was communication.
Style. When you say your score's
changing, does that mean you need to take an assessment every
(15:44):
year or so to to make sure that value is still the same?
Or what do you mean exactly by that?
Yeah, I'll give you an example. So six months into the
relationship, Kevin and I, we did the formula together.
He was 4, exactly 4% above me, actually, right.
And he didn't realize I admired him.
Yeah. And I'm like, yeah, I love you,
right. And he didn't realize.
And it actually made him feel great, right.
(16:06):
So here's the thing. After we were married, I think
within our first year, things gone a little rocky, right?
We were not aligned. We were arguing.
We were, we were not seeing eye to eye.
So we did the formula together again.
And here's what happened where Ifelt he was scoring less in
dependability and reliability. In other words, where's my rock?
(16:28):
I need my rock. I miss my rock, right?
He felt I was scoring less in communication manners.
And it's true, I was getting a little too sharp with my tongue,
a little too impatient, right? And so we're both unhappy with
each other. We're both projecting that shit
into our relationship and we're essentially doing this back and
(16:50):
forth of, well you suck, I'm going to reduce your score.
Sorry, not in those words, but you know what I mean.
I'm laughing because literally had the the same sort of fight,
a little fight. It ended with a very good
agreement with my wife, like just two days ago, where it's
exactly what you described, where at the crux of it, she
felt like I wasn't really kind of being there enough as her
(17:12):
rock. And I felt like she was being a
little bit too cutting and too critical, which was making me be
be less of a rock because I was,you know, pulling away a little
bit. Just didn't really notice it.
But like, that's that's literally what happens.
It's like one side feels a certain way the other side, then
you just kind of have this. It starts to build resentment.
So luckily we talked about it and everything was fine.
And now, now we're great. But yeah, it it can.
(17:36):
It can sneak. In and that communication is so
important. The beauty of this framework
it's is that it's a new way to articulate what's missing and a
new way to, to assign like standards and whether someone is
meeting your standards. Now, I always say this, this is,
this should never be used as a tool for bullying.
(17:59):
Don't be an asshole, right? But you know, like open up, it's
OK, right? And have some examples there in
terms of how your partner slipped with their communication
or slipped with being reliable. Yeah, right.
And all. And again, the goal should
always be be there for each other and nurture the
relationship and. So how do you arrive at the
(18:19):
score? You answer questions based on a
scale of, you know, one to five,one to 10, that sort of thing.
Yeah. So there's like there are a few
steps. So the first step is to assess
yourself score. The way you do that is by first
determining what your top five values are.
No one can choose this for you, right?
So if financial choices, career purpose, whatever it may be, go
(18:42):
ahead and list that. Then for each one you measure
how well you feel you approach that particular value.
If you feel like you yourself are not such a reliable person,
don't give yourself a top score,right?
If you yourself feel like there's room for growth career
wise or purpose, don't give yourself top score.
Once you have that, that's yourself score.
(19:03):
Then you measure your partner against your values and see how
they measure up. But then there's a second step
for your partner and you measurehow well they fit your trade
preferences. You average out the partner
value and the partner trades andthat total score for the
partner, that's what's to be compared with yourself score.
If they are about 4% above you, it seems like it's an ideal
(19:28):
match, right? If they are exactly a match,
that's OK too. If they're slightly below you,
it's not that it's and to add, it's that there will be moments
where where you'll feel unfulfilled and where you will
get lazy against their standards.
And then eventually it's a spiral.
You know what I mean? Yeah, for sure.
If let's say you're a single guyand you've been on a couple
(19:51):
dates, you know, with a woman and you're trying to decide, you
know, does this person, but I guess you can't really guess
where they're at. But you could, you could take
the the inventory for yourself, correct?
And and do your best to sort of see.
Yeah, a really good way to find out what someone's top five
values are is ask them what is your definition of
(20:14):
sophisticated? If they say sophisticated is
someone who dresses well, image is one of their top values.
If they say sophisticated is someone who can hold the house
down and, you know, is reliable in that sense, you can say
either financial decisions or career, right.
Interesting. I love that question.
If it's our. Yeah.
Yeah. So because it can be anything.
(20:37):
And then just dig, dig, find outwhat their top five values are
next. OK.
So the key here is not to deceive anyone.
Be yourself, be authentic, right?
Because assumption never works. Yeah.
But next you can find out, OK, well how do I think I measure up
to their values right? If I know that her value happens
to be purpose, maybe I should just sprinkle that in a bit more
(21:00):
in our conversations, right? Don't lie.
You're just emphasizing certain parts of yourself.
You're emphasizing certain layers.
Nothing wrong with that. It's a great way to kind of
figure out how what makes somebody tick too.
Oh, that's so great. I didn't even think of that.
So how would you, how what wouldthe question be?
What What is your deal breaker or what is?
Well, if you if you just ask them the thing that you just
(21:22):
said, what what, what was the question that you?
What is your definition of sophisticated?
Yeah, what's your definition of unsophisticated?
Totally. You asked that.
I love that totally normal thingto ask on a first date, you
know, maybe like 20-30 minutes in after you break the ice.
Like, you know, I even tell my clients to play this.
It's called the questions game. I'm sure you played it when you
(21:42):
were a kid or whatever. You know, just basically, you
know, you ask a question, then Iask a question and you have to
be honest and you're supposed toask questions that make the
other person either slightly uncomfortable or embarrassed.
So you can ask, you know, probing questions like that
people. Do that on Thursday.
Oh yeah, it's a thing. Well.
My clients think. That yeah.
(22:05):
So I, I typically tell them, youknow, to, to sort of play that
questions game. You know, maybe at the SEC, you
know, you go to the first place,you get a drink or a coffee and
then, you know, you take a little walk and go to another
place. And then, you know, you've kind
of settled into the date a little bit.
Everyone's a little bit less on edge.
And then you you bust out the questions game and see if she
wants to play and then you ask the question and now you kind of
(22:29):
know like, OK, does she is she more interested in these sorts
of things in a guy or these sorts of things?
And you kind of have an idea of like what put forward to put.
Obviously you don't want to use it to manipulate but.
Yeah, no, absolutely. It's a good way to find out
about the other person, because if you're not a match, you're
not a match. No need to force it, right?
(22:49):
Totally. And also, if you do force it,
the data shows that eventually it'll break down.
So, you know, save yourself the time.
Yeah, so don't do it. You know what I mean?
Totally. But I will say also, there's a
distortion that I came across. So when I say distortion, this
is it can be like a manipulationof scores or it can be what
(23:12):
happens if you don't have a healthy approach to start into
scoring and your scoring method.OK, so one of the distortions is
the deceiver, right? So there's there's a high level
deceiver, mid and low. If it's low, it means that
you're just kind of. You're withholding.
Withholding or omitting, omitting, you're omitting
(23:33):
certain facts about you. Not a big deal, right?
If you're a mid, you're talking about it, you're including the
information, but you're not providing the whole truth.
And then if you're a high level deceiver and this can happen
with your partners, this is a straight up lie.
Straight up lie. Like I'm CEO of such and such
and it's simply not true. And they haven't held the job
for like 3 months. You know what I mean?
This always comes out. Always, always.
(23:55):
So whether you're a woman looking to snatch a guy who's
got a high score and you're like, let me convince them I'm
also a high score. Or if you're a man you know
who's looking to impress a woman, that is never the Safeway
to go. The safest way to approach is to
be confident about your own score.
(24:16):
Another thing that the analyticsfound is that the people who are
currently in a relationship had a high self score.
In other words, if you don't respect yourself, if you think
that you're not approaching lifein a respectable way or in a
loving way, if you don't have self love, you are not likely
going to sustain a relationship.So that cliche, you can't love
(24:37):
someone else unless you love yourself.
I is numerically validated. I love that my clients are so
annoyed with me when I say that.But it's true, It's true you
will not sustain the relationship per the data,
right? So the goal.
Is gonna feel. They're gonna feel it.
They're gonna feel that, like you're lacking that confidence.
You don't feel that way. You're gonna wear it like a bad
Cologne and it's gonna hurt yourscore.
(24:59):
Yeah, exactly. They're always going to pick up
on it. So let's assume that you one of
your values is education, OK? And let's assume you're on a
date with an MD and you happen to have a bachelor's or nothing
at all. OK.
You could either lie about that or you could be confident in
yourself that there are different tools of education out
there or different modes of education.
(25:20):
If you listen to podcasts, if you read articles, if you know a
lot about the world, that is education.
Yeah. Right.
So when you approach that person, say with confidence, I
have a bachelors or whatever it may be or less right, but go
ahead and talk about your knowledge.
It's OK. But that strength and that
confidence will be felt. For sure.
(25:41):
Yeah, I love that too because there's such a draw to to
potentially, you know, fib the truth.
Or if you feel like they're higher status in a certain area,
your insecurity is going to comeout if you feel like you're not
owning it right. But what you said is so
important where you're like, listen, I may not have the PhD
or MD, but I've from the school of Hard Knocks and I've got a
(26:03):
lot of life experience and that's, you know, just as
valuable in a lot of cases more valuable than in the booksmarts
so. Yeah, yeah, I love what you
said. Own it.
Just own it. Be good.
Be strong, be confident, right? And in the end, the scores are
all about perception. There's no truth in them, right?
(26:23):
You could see a PhD and give them a 20% if you wanted to
because you're a jerk, right? Or you have high standards,
right? Or you could see someone with
like no certificate, not even a high school degree.
But they're so intelligent in how they speak and they know so
much. You give them top scores.
It's truly all about perception,not just for the other person,
(26:44):
but for yourself too. Totally right.
I guess at the end of the day, you're, you know, you're, you're
grading yourself on these numbers, You're not grading
yourself, but you're, you're taking inventory and then
you're, you're getting a score. And those are all based on
perception, right? And, and how she feels about you
or how she or how you feel abouther.
That's also all perception, right?
(27:04):
If you're confident, if you loveyourself, then you give her
access to the same and vice versa.
So I love how you're taking dataand like real world analytics
and applying that to this very sort of woo woo, what does it
all mean thing like love, which is very hard to quantify, but
no, it's it's genius. I love what you've done with
(27:25):
this SO. Thank you.
I mean I hope it helps. I'm so sorry.
Can you give me a quick? Sign.
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OK Kava, I know that. What was the first one?
Kratom, it's like a kratom leaf,so OK.
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Like what does it do? It's a very slight buzz for me,
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Awesome. Thank you.
Yeah. But yeah, So getting back to it,
So what do you have any sort of wisdom or tips for people who
are kind of sitting there listening like, yeah, I don't
really love myself enough and how can I improve my score in
(28:55):
that? So if it's OK, I would love to
talk about spirituality a bit. Yeah.
So a few years back, I would say5 or 6 years ago, I hit rock
bottom. So I was dating someone.
It was really bad breakup at that point, my career was
nowhere, purpose was nowhere. I was just nowhere.
I felt so low. So what I ended up doing was
(29:19):
putting in the background of my phone 90% to me when I did that,
it was 90% is what I want to getto in terms of a self score.
So two things happened. A my subconscious started to
assume that I'm a 90%. So the things that I was so hard
on myself on, I'm like, no, why am I giving myself such a low
score, right? And I started bumping up my
(29:42):
score. But beyond that, the universe
actually started gifting me things that validated the 90
percent and then a high score. So when I had first done this, I
think I was at like a 60%, whichaccording to scores is below
average for self-confidence. So just a side note, for men,
the average self score was 73%. For women, the average self
(30:05):
score was 76%. So 60 was actually quite low at
that time. And little by little, I started
working on myself. I started reprogramming, re
evaluating how I view myself. But beyond that, I feel like the
was also gifting me, right, Yeah.
And giving me reasons to feel like I am truly a 90%.
(30:25):
So essentially it was an affirmation.
It was an affirmation that I didfor myself.
So there is a very strong spiritual element to this
framework as much as it's logical, because it's step by
step that the affirmations, theyare quite significant.
Like the universe will respond to how you view yourself, right?
How you choose to view yourself.So that's one way to kind of
(30:49):
increase yourself score. Another way, the book, in the
back of the book, there's a guide on how to work on that.
So for example, and going back to education, if you feel like
you score low in education, the idea is give yourself a list of
things that fall within the realm of education and work on
it day by day. Even if there's like an upward
(31:10):
trend in terms of how you feel, you're improving yourself.
Score will improve, right? Your perception of yourself will
improve. That little nugget of knowledge
that you picked up from the podcast will make you feel good.
Your serotonin will be, you know, activated your dopamine
and you'll feel accomplished, right?
So because we're looking at perception, much of that is
(31:31):
based on emotion. How do you emotionally feel
about yourself, right? Yeah.
So those are the two ways I would suggest to increase the
self score, A, by understanding there's a spiritual element to
it and a subconscious element and B action, right?
Ask yourself what falls within the realm of this value and what
(31:51):
can you do to make yourself feelbetter.
I love that because it actually takes a feeling and gives you an
actionable step to improve at it, right?
Because I think guys get really frustrated people in general
when they hear the whole no one can love you unless you love
yourself because it's like, okaygreat, thanks.
What the fuck do I do with that now?
What the fuck am I supposed? Well, that thanks a lot.
(32:13):
I guess I'm fine. Yeah, I know right.
But here you can, you can take an inventory, you can figure out
your values and you can fit and you can assign a number.
And like you said, ask yourself,like, how can I improve?
And just from that alone, I feellike, you know, the universe
will will start to to help you cuz you're putting awareness and
consciousness on something that prior to that felt kind of woo
(32:35):
or airy fairy. Exactly.
Exactly. The universe loves it when
you're specific. If you specifically want to work
on education, you specifically put your intention behind it.
The universe will specifically give you with reasons to feel
like you're educated, you know what I mean?
Yeah, I'm curious how Tarot plays into this.
(32:56):
And before you answer my, let metake a guess.
I feel like Tarot is very helpful for sort of figuring out
some of your emotions and what your values are and how you can
can level up in, in certain, certain areas and how you can
sort of see your own patterns. And the, the, the characters in
tarot, these archetypes, you know, like the magician and the
sorcerer, all these like, you can see yourself in them and the
(33:19):
positives and the weaknesses arethe benefits.
And I know you've got a big background in that.
And I tell my clients all the time that they should study
tarot or astrology things that they're first of all, they're
very relatable and most guys don't.
So you have a little bit of a leg up on a date or something
like that because so many women are into it.
So it's a great way to connect, but.
I mean, tarot is an interesting science because it takes into
(33:43):
it. First of all, it's meant to be
spiritual, but it takes into account all the elements, right?
So Swords is intellect cups or emotions.
You have the pentacles that deals with your money and you
have the wands that deals with your drives and your passion
when you pull out a card. So if you have a very specific
question, the question might be how do I want to show up on the
(34:05):
seat or universe, God, angels orsubconscious?
Your own subconscious. Please guide me in terms of how
I can best approach the state. And a card pulls out.
The beauty is that you're reading it through your lens.
Your lens is your own subconscious.
It's your own fears. It's your, it's your own
(34:26):
understanding of yourself, right?
So if it says Queen of Wands, for example, it might say, hey,
go out there, be confident, be yourself, be you, right?
If it's Queen of cups or king ofCups, it might say, soften your
heart a bit. Just be open, right?
If it's the Pentacles, it's you know what?
Go ahead and look hot today. Now's your time.
(34:46):
Go fucking feel yourself. You know what I mean?
So here's what I would say relating it to the framework.
The framework is meant to identify where you feel less
than and to work on that now, before a date, before dinner
with your spouse, before whatever it may be, just pull
out one card. Speak out what you see.
(35:06):
Speak it out. What's likely going to happen is
you're going to identify the parts within yourself that you
either need to work on or that you need to amplify, emphasize,
whatever it may be, right? Or that layer that might be a
little hidden, just bring it out, right?
And whether it's your softness or whatever, and that can also
possibly relate to the values that you've picked out.
(35:29):
Is there anything that needs to be adjusted there?
Are you being either fair to yourself or unrealistic with
your score? Right?
What is the truth here? And same thing with your trade
preferences. Did you get into tarot first or
this whole study year? First yeah, I mean, this study
came to me probably 20 years agoTarot I've been studying tarot
(35:53):
1015 years. I would I would say for sure 10
years I probably got introduced to it 15 years ago, but I I
never like did anything with it.Gotcha.
Yeah, I tarot is a beautiful, beautiful way to understand
yourself. And if you do believe in God, if
you do believe in your angels, in my opinion, they speak to you
(36:14):
through the cards. Yeah, I love asking.
I mean, I don't, I don't do readings or anything, but I have
some friends who do and I I lovegetting readings.
It's just, you know, it's fun. Like like anything.
Yeah. You know, you get these insights
and you pull a card. You never know.
I love to gamble and I love playing card games so.
Poker. I'm a Texas holdem person.
(36:35):
Oh yeah. Big time.
I love it yeah. I I played semi professionally
my first quarter into college basically.
So it's back when it was easy towin when it when it became hard
to win back when. It was easy to win.
That's funny. So is is attraction something
you can calculate with the score?
Yeah. So the trait preferences
(36:57):
essentially is attraction. Do you mean how someone is
attracted to you or vice versa how you're attracted to someone?
Yeah, either, I mean, I guess you'll explain how how you you
know, you can pretty easily figure out if you're attracted
to them based on the school. That's right.
So since we're talking about it for all the men out there, I'm
gonna tell you what the top traits are for women.
(37:18):
So what they're inherently attracted to, the number one was
generosity and thoughtfulness and kindness #2 which was almost
the same as number one was humor.
They love to laugh. What would they?
We love to laugh. And it's true because that's
what got me and Kevin bonded, right?
It's when we started like, cracking up and laughing
(37:39):
together. How did you guys meet by the
way, or actually let's go through them and then I, I have
some questions. Yeah.
OK, I'll, I'll call you in a second.
So the third one for women was body shape, height, and
appearance, right? So it does matter for women.
The 4th 1 was being passionate and driven and ambitious.
The women generally enjoyed this.
(38:00):
By the way, if you go on the site, you'll see the difference
of age groups because it did depend on the age group.
These are just general averages.And then the fifth one was
intelligence, intelligent, sharp, quick thinking.
So we can see some themes here, right?
Like humor, kindness, right, appearance and all of that.
(38:20):
So here's the beauty. If you lack in one of them, if
you're good with the others, you're probably fine, right.
Or if you are really strong withthree of them and just slightly
not so great with either humor or you feel like your physical
body is not, you know, in top shape, right.
It actually kind of doesn't matter that much.
Yeah. As long as you're generally
(38:43):
above a 70% to 75%. So that was the average score of
what people rated their partner for traits between 70 and 75%.
75% out of their whatever 100. Yeah, exactly.
It has to be at least that. So if you're 500 lbs and you're
bedridden, you got to be really funny, is what you're saying?
(39:04):
Really funny because bedridden would fall under passionate,
driven, ambitious and if you're not?
And also body shape, so yeah. And yeah, so really funny and
really generous. Yeah.
But hey, man, it works. I mean, yeah, yeah, really.
Generous, really funny, and yeah, I think you're screwed.
(39:27):
But. Yeah, so men, men also, as their
number one, had generosity, thoughtfulness and kindness #2
for men was body shape, hide andappearance.
Nothing wrong with that. Men are very visual.
The number 31 for men was humor.So men love to laugh too.
And it actually turns out that they want someone that laughs at
(39:48):
their jokes. Has a similar.
Sense of humor. And the fourth one that came up
that did not come out for women was sexual sensual.
So I think men are more driven by a woman who is comfortable
with herself and who's willing to, you know, just, yeah, be
open. Open in that sense.
Is that also maybe linked to like a feminine essence, like a
(40:10):
softness you could say could? Be Well, actually, it's so funny
that you set that because you know what?
The next one is intuitive, good instinct, emotional
intelligence. OK, so I think so.
I think so. So the other one was sexual
sensual, whatever that may mean,however they define it.
But the one right after was intuitive and.
(40:31):
Emotional. That was, I guess the one that I
was thinking about. Yeah, yeah.
And then the final one, which was the 5th, so exact, like head
to head was passionate, driven, ambitious.
So men actually do want to see that in women as well, right.
But yeah. And where was the passion,
ambitious, driven for women, that was #3?
Or two number four. 4. OK.
(40:53):
And for men, it's #5 gotcha. Toe to toe with the that.
All checks out with my experience.
There you go. Perfectly.
There you go. Yeah.
And these are all things that can be worked on, by the way,
like appearance. So when we say body shape,
height, appearance, again, we didn't go deep into what exactly
they meant by that. But if you take care of
(41:14):
yourself, you work out, you havegood hygiene, right?
Like we're looking for a package.
We're not looking for like a Unicorn or anything, right?
We're just looking at how you see what I mean.
So these are all things that canbe worked on, Witty, clever.
I do believe that everyone in their own way, it is funny and
(41:35):
clever. It just, you know, but everyone
has their own little like niche.Like I enjoy dark humor to be
honest with you, right? And it just so happens that my
husband also has dark humor and does funny accents with that's.
Great. And you don't something with
dark humor, right? Like it takes a little bit
longer to figure something like that out, right?
Because it's like, well, I don'tknow if if I really want to
(41:56):
share that part, but. Totally.
That's why it took us a month. I'm like, oh, oh, you have that
lyric. So what, what were the traits
that maybe previously would have, you know, I, I guess
disqualified him and then what did you realize you were missing
or you weren't, you know, clear about that?
(42:19):
That made you a lot more attracted to him and knew that
he was the one for you. I'll tell you.
So I used to date older men. They Kevin is younger than me,
so he's younger by two years. And that would have been a huge
no go in the past. Yeah, right.
And then eventually I realized I'm like, why am I doing this?
Like, there's no, he gives a shit, you know what I mean?
(42:40):
If they're a good person. So I ended up removing that from
my trait preferences. But again, just because you're
removing it doesn't make it true.
So you literally have to rewire your brain to tell yourself,
hey, like, there's no reason to have that trait preference,
right? Right.
I. Guess there's a lot of with
women, you know, you hear the, what is it, 64 blue eyes, the
(43:02):
trust fund, you know, that wholesong, right, where it's like
they have their, you know, theirqualifications and those
qualifications may not be actually grounded in any of of
your traits versus values, right?
It just might be an arbitrary thing like you're describing.
He's got to be older. But but why like does that?
Actually, yeah, exactly. Why, though?
(43:22):
Exactly. So the other one was culture.
So I'm Afghan. In my past, I've tended to like,
be more attracted to people who are of my culture, Right.
Why? I grew up in Canada, I live in
Socal. I my English is just fine like
why am I looking for someone of my culture right What's wrong
(43:45):
with white people So Kevin's white it's.
Hard to date with that. There's not that many Afghani
people in Socal, right? Exactly.
I like my pool is super narrow, right.
Like it's it's all great. I'm looking for older like, you
know, so Kevin being a younger white man, you know, and we met
at the dog park, by the way, ourdogs met before us.
(44:08):
Oh, I love it. So yeah, yeah.
So he, we started talking. We started talking.
I think the first time we talkedwas probably like, I can't
remember, maybe 30 minutes, an hour maybe.
And the next day I didn't. Well, he has his version of the
story, but the real version is that he was looking for me.
His version was that I was looking for him.
(44:30):
Bullshit. But so we saw each other the
next day and we ended up talkingmore and he asked me out.
He asked me out and we went out for dinner and it was very, very
different to what I'm used to. For first date, yeah, it was the
dogs. No.
Dogs, no. But you know what?
(44:51):
Even after that first date, I think if there was any other
situation, I would have told myself, I don't see the
alignment and I probably would have cut it off almost right
away. But a he fit the values very
well. And I knew that my trait
preferences were not good or they weren't fair, they weren't
reasonable, right? And also because we're, we both
(45:14):
use the same dog park, living indifferent buildings, but same
dog park, there was exposure. So the familiarity started to
play in, and then eventually I started laughing.
And to me that was a big deal. So of course the attraction grew
from there on. And yeah, so it turned out to be
(45:34):
a match. You met at the park, met again
the next day at the park, just randomly, right?
Same time, same place, randomly,right?
And then he asked you how you guys went to dinner and then you
continued going on dates or you just kind of saw him at the dog
park. And how did that transpire?
OK, Yeah. So we would coordinate our times
(45:58):
to meet at the dog park. We were texting and honestly,
like, we didn't kiss until our fifth date.
So it was a very slow burn, right?
But again, so different to like what I've allowed myself to be
exposed to. But I'm so glad I opened my
mind. Yeah, right.
And that's what I would say for anyone who falls into.
(46:19):
I don't like using the word talks like.
I would prefer to say like on healed or lacking self-awareness
patterns that lack self-awareness.
I like that toxic gets thrown around a lot.
Yeah, and it's mean. It's mean.
It's not fair to the person. No one is trying to be malicious
or a jerk or toxic. You know what I mean?
Sometimes it just comes from notknowing any better.
(46:39):
Yeah. Yeah.
But if it comes down to you keepfalling into these patterns, do
an inventory check of the valuesand ask yourself if honesty and
communications fit there. And if they don't, ask yourself
why, and ask yourself what's replacing it and whether those
things that are replacing it. You're calling in a rock and
(47:01):
you're calling in someone who iswilling to work on things with
you. You know, it's so important
because if I'm being honest withyou, if I was to evaluate my
past relationships before Kevin on reliability and
communication, they're scoring very low, right?
If I had just done that assessment, it would have saved
(47:22):
me a lot of time. Sure, because I'm guessing like
most people you would just be looking for is attraction there.
Do I get those feelings, those butterflies, Right.
And it's like that stuff. It doesn't, I mean when I say it
doesn't last, I don't mean it does like attraction goes away,
but the infatuation period, you know all all of your partner
(47:42):
who's so exciting and mesmerizing.
It like everybody, you get to know them and it gets a little
bit boring. But the boring doesn't have to
be boring. The boring.
It's like I heard this quote from Mark Banson, who who I
think is very brilliant, but he said when you're in a long term
relationship, the, the sort of the fun and the adventure can
diminish. But then there's a whole new
(48:05):
sort of adventure and and fun because you know the person so
well, you get to be yourself even more so around them.
And so it's, I love that a much deeper sort of vulnerability and
it's it's. Totally.
Yeah. And you're not self-conscious.
You're confident and it feels safe, feel stable.
You know, they're not going anywhere.
I absolutely love that. And it's the truth.
It's I, at least for my experience.
(48:27):
Yeah, yeah, I was always, you know, worried about, I guess I
had the Peter Pan syndrome that they talked about, right?
I was single a lot and worried that a relationship meant my
freedom being taken away. But it was all through this
paradigm and I wasn't doing any of the calculations based on the
metrics that you talked about which were which were really
(48:48):
important. And then I kind of, I did that
and then my wife showed up so. Yeah, Yeah.
No, that's great. And again, I do believe that
like it does come with experience and maturity.
I do think that we've all fallenin the extreme emotional
personality type bucket at some point and then something clicks
in our head hopefully like, oh, I should, I should be more
(49:08):
careful next time I make smart choices, you know for sure.
So is there anything else that you feel like we didn't touch on
that would be really sort of juicy info for for guys?
I mean we, we covered so much already.
I wouldn't say there's anything else because I feel like we
covered so much, but I I think Ireally want to emphasize the
(49:29):
point of self-confidence in sustaining a relationship and
these words get thrown around right?
Like again, can't fall in love with someone else unless you
love yourself. Ask yourself what your values
are. Grade yourself with each value
and work on that because that will show in your body language.
(49:51):
It will show in your own standards.
By the way, you are less likely going to put up with shit if you
feel good about yourself and youfeel strong in terms of how,
how, what type of human you are and how you approach life.
So I would just really like emphasize that part.
I I love that, especially given the the name of this podcast,
so. Yeah, there you go.
(50:12):
There you go. Spot on message.
I love it. Yeah.
Yeah. So it tells where can people get
your book find out more? Anything else that you know you
want the listeners to know? Sure.
Well, you can find it on the Barnes and Noble website or
Amazon. So, Zoe, thanks so much for
coming on. Thank you so much.
I'm sure everyone listening, I'mgonna take the the the survey or
(50:34):
whatever you called the questionnaire.
Yeah, Sort. Of figure out where I'm at and
I'll have my wife do it it'll. Be fun.
And actually, once you do the assessment, if you ever want to
kind of like gain more understanding in terms of how to
interpret it, just ask me. Ask me.
I yeah, I know this stuff like that.
Yeah, I'd love to. I'll I'll do that for sure.
(50:55):
OK, cool. Well, thank you so much, Robbie.
I appreciate it. Thanks, Zoe.
Appreciate being here. Yeah.
Thanks so much for coming on. Have a great rest of your day
you. Too.
Bye bye bye. Out of all the guys I know, the
only ones who managed to consistently win the game are
those who built and invested in a high status social circle.
You can certainly approach womenand try your luck on the apps if
(51:16):
you're a Chad, but those strategies simply don't work
consistently to attract top tierwomen and awesome friends in
your life. But for most guys, the idea of
building a social circle can feel overwhelming, so they
continue to hunt for women in their usual ways and end up
settling for a girl they were never really that excited about
in the 1st place. To avoid this fate, join our
community and instantly plug into a highly vetted social
(51:36):
circle of cool dudes to network and navigate your journey with.
You already know it's hard to find wing men because the good
ones don't stay in the game verylong.
Many of our members travel together, end up living
together, build amazing circles and even businesses together
both in the West and in many of the best locations around the
globe. With gorgeous women and low cost
of living, I'm extremely carefulwho I let into this community,
but if you feel like you'd make a good fit, you can apply to
(51:58):
join the links in the description.
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