August 11, 2025 • 40 mins
Links:
Book a call: https://www.innerconfidence.com/communityGet NewBrew: https://www.drinknewbrew.com/Timestamps:00:00 Escaping Toxic Relationships: A Guide05:36 "Friends Reflect Future Partners"07:45 Controlling Long-Distance Relationship Struggles10:30 "Mutual Trust in Device Access"14:08 "Modern Dating Guide for Men"16:19 Adoption and Family Dysfunction20:33 "Controlling Behavior Stems from Trauma"23:18 "Authenticity in Relationships"26:56 60s Pianist Pushed to Silence28:49 "Navigating Adult Relationship Bonds"33:05 "Quiet Breakup Strategy"35:18 Healing After Toxic Relationships39:40 "Join Elite Social Circles Now"Connect w/ Robbie:
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/robbie_kramer/
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- YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/innerconfidence
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
So what do you do when the womanyou thought was your soulmate
slowly isolates you from your family, your friends, or even
your own sense of self? When what started as an intense
love turns into emotional manipulation and you can't tell
if you're the problem or you're the one being controlled?
Well, that's what we're going tounpack today.
I'm here with my wife, Maria. Hi.
And we're going to be talking about toxic relationships.
(00:21):
And this isn't some surface level list of bad girlfriend
traits. This is a hard look at how
smart, high functioning guys endup in toxic relationships with
women who isolate, control, and drain them, and how to break
free without breaking yourself in the process.
In the first half, we're going to walk through the 10
psychological red flags that show you're in a relationship
with a woman who's more focused on controlling you than loving
(00:44):
you. And in the second-half, we'll
share the real psychologically sound exit plan, especially if
you burn bridges with your family, lost touch with your
friends, and feel like she's your whole world.
If any part of this hits home, stay with us.
There's a way out. We're going to show you how
you're listening to the Inner Confidence Podcast.
My name is Robbie Kramer, I've been a coach since 2007 and I've
helped countless men rapidly achieve all their social and
(01:07):
dating goals. My mission is simple to help you
position yourself to meet stunning women, make awesome
friends in route to becoming themost confident and attractive
version you can possibly be. I'm absolutely obsessed with
giving you the most leverage ways possible to win the game.
So stick around, let's go. So let's go through those list
of red flags, and maybe we'll take turns going through each.
(01:29):
I'll do the first one, no. You're going to go through all
of that one now. See, controlling.
All right, so the first one is sudden conflict with your
family. So maybe you used to get along
with your family, but now it feels like they don't understand
you or they're judging your relationship.
But this shift didn't really come from you, did it?
(01:51):
It's often seated by your partner, subtly undermining
those connections behind the scenes.
First, from your perspective, have you ever experienced
anything like that with any of your girlfriends?
Yes, with one of them I did. She would kind of start poking
at my family members, not to them, obviously, but to me
(02:12):
saying like this person so annoying your sister, your
brother, like everyone. She had something negative to
say about pretty much everybody.And of course you can always
find the negativity about people, but it's weird.
Like I, I never said that stuff about her family just because
you don't want to cross that boundary.
You know, it's not my place to be judging her family.
(02:32):
I mean maybe if I'm like marriedto her and it's I have a a
relationship with them like way down the road then it would
become more normal. But this happened like very
early on the relationship and I just found it to be quite weird.
So what happened to the relationships?
I dumped her. Typical Robbie Kramer, but did
(02:53):
your family at the time notice that something was wrong?
Oh, they didn't like her at all.OK, Yeah.
Why? They didn't like her vibe, you
know, they just kind of got a bad feeling about her.
But do you trust your family? Was that sort of a feeling?
I do because I feel like my family is very socially
(03:15):
adjusted. They have very good people
skills, social skills. I know they have my best
interest, of course. No, that's nice.
Because first, at first I like, they weren't very vocal about
it, but I could just tell that they weren't like huge fans,
right? Because they weren't.
Saying like, just that, yeah. This girl is so great.
Or we like her for you. You know, they're very much not
(03:36):
interested in anything having todo with her.
OK, Yeah. But they weren't straight up
mean or rude and they never toldme that they didn't like her
until after I broke up with her.Yeah, I just noticed a lot that
a lot of people, they actually do not listen to their family
about such a topics, which I found weird because that's your
family, family and they, you know, they have your best
(03:58):
interests. So it's the only people you
actually need to really listen. And if they don't really like
your boyfriend or girlfriend, itshould tell you a lot.
Yeah, you know. I think it's tough for guys in
their, you know, 20s and 30s because they kind of feel like
maybe their family doesn't really understand them or
doesn't really know, you know, And as a teenager, as like a boy
(04:21):
and 18, your family is kind of like the last person.
You think they're like out of touch or whatever?
But it's more for Yeah, I agree that's more for boys than for
girls. I agree with you because I never
felt this way, right? All right, well that's red flag
#1 the next red flag is that you've become socially isolated.
You rarely see your friends anymore, and you don't feel
(04:43):
excited or safe introducing her to them.
Either she shows 0 interest in meeting them, or worse, she
actively sews tension or talks trash about them.
Have you ever had a boyfriend who did that with you?
No, I I was lucky that they didn't have the problem, but as
as a woman, I would say that if my boyfriend would not introduce
(05:07):
me to his friends when we like became official boyfriend and
girlfriend, it would be immediately no for me.
Like I would, I would be questioning why you're not
showing me to your friends if there is a problem, there is
something wrong about me or there is something wrong about
our relationship. So that would be for me now.
And like I know several, even some of my friends that had that
(05:31):
issue and they, you know, I'm not the one to judge, but it
happens a lot. Well, that's.
One of the best ways to tell if the person you're dating, you
know, is somebody worth dating. It's Show me your friends.
I'll show you your future. I think that's one of the most
powerful quotes I've ever heard because you are a collection of
the five people you hang out with the most and you will
(05:54):
become exactly like your friends.
It's just, you know, that's how osmosis works.
No matter what, who you hang outwith has a major impact on who
you are. So if you're with a girl who's
isolating you from your friends and just saying like, be with
me, let's do everything together, blah, blah.
Like she's doing that for a reason.
And it's almost always a manipulation and control
strategy. You know, she's not trying to
(06:16):
make you a better guy. She's trying to remove all of
those bonds that you have and have full control over you.
And I feel like women who do this, they don't necessarily do
this consciously. I think most of the time it's
more of an unconscious behavior because they have these sort of
issues and they're not comfortable with the guys
(06:36):
friends. They know that the friends will
probably not like them. Exactly, and because they know
that the friends will have a bignot power, how to say influence,
influence over over their friend, Because you know, for me
that would be like, no, like immediately I would be like,
show me to your friends, like introduce me to your friends,
(06:56):
right. And of course they're going to
give their opinions about me. Oh, we like her or oh, we don't,
she's a bitch. Dump her, you know, But that's
still, you know, that's still really important for me.
All right, well, the next one red flag #3 is she violates your
privacy. Maybe she's going through your
phone, checking your social media, asking invasive questions
(07:19):
about your past. This isn't love.
It's control and security and obsession that's wrapped in a
nice little bow of fake concern.So remember, love doesn't come
with surveillance. So what do you think is a
healthy amount of, you know, surveillance?
I guess nothing if you call it surveillance.
But what's a healthy amount of checking on your partner and all
(07:43):
that sort of thing? This can be a tricky 1.
I actually had this happen to mein my very first relationship
and it was horrible. So like initially we dated for
two years and I broke have broken up with him.
And I started noticing it the after a year because we were
(08:05):
living in the same town in my hometown.
And after I moved to the capitalto study to Kiev and we were
having like long distant relationships.
And then it really kicked in when I noticed that because like
I would go to my to university, I would come back and as soon as
I'm back, we're like on the phone the entire time.
(08:28):
Like I want to go to the grocerystore.
He is like, oh, I'm gonna call you.
Let's talk on the way there. I'm like, OK, you know, I miss
you. That's fun.
But like when it start going dayafter day and after I'm like,
oh, I'm going to go with my friend from my dorm to like, you
know, just go somewhere walk andhe's like, send me the picture,
(08:50):
send me that. And I'm like, whoa, that's super
bad. And as soon as I'm like, just
try to set my boundaries and say, look, I actually so tired.
I'm so tired after the the wholeday in university.
I just want had have my music inmy headphones and just want to
go walk, you know, in the city and just listen to my music.
(09:10):
And he's like, are you going with someone?
This is so weird. Like, send me a picture.
So yeah, that's yeah, that's a lot, you know, And because we've
been together for already over ayear, it was like something new
to me. I immediately felt that it was
wrong and I needed to break up those relationship.
But a lot of people, they have different circumstances, so they
(09:33):
don't really know that that's sobad and they don't really break
them up till it's, you know, they're like.
Sure. Well, I think what's interesting
is some people might look at what we do in terms of each
other's phones location settingsand think there's an issue
there. And I think we have a very
(09:54):
healthy level of that. And to explain what that is, is
I have full access to your phone.
You have full access to my phone.
I'm confident that you would never just go through my phone.
I've never, I've actually never went through a phone exactly
unless you asked me to. Right.
And I've never gone through yourphone and I could I just why
would I dig there even? And then the other thing is we
(10:16):
both have each others location settings, live location all the
time, which I think is what we're obviously married.
So that's different. I had I had a buddy of mine.
I'm looking if he's in the clubhouse or still in the 17th
hole. Well.
It's very convenient to know where she is.
Like if I need to go meet up with her, I can just find her on
the, you know, Find My iPhone app.
(10:37):
But I'm never surveilling her and she's never surveilling me.
Like if she wanted to go on my phone and find a bunch of shit
to be pissed about, you can findold pictures and crap like that,
you know? But like, you know, I'm
confident that you wouldn't do that because you're secure and
you're confident that I wouldn'tdo that in your phone either.
So it's convenient for us to have access to each other's.
But also if something happened to you, I'm like, I'm so
(11:00):
paranoid about even like, you know, Ubering, like if it's like
maybe not safe driver, like I really want him to have my
location at all times so he can know if something happened to
me, you know, where is my phone?That's.
I have a close friend who his, you know, this is a terrible
tragedy. His wife was drugged and and
(11:23):
killed and it's because he had the location of her phone that
they were able to figure out whodid it.
He yeah, police would never findout unless that phone.
So like especially that case, that's yeah, that's also
important for him. But I think like other people,
if they want full privacy and don't share the location, I also
respect that. Especially if they're if they're
(11:45):
not, yeah, we never did that until.
No, until we three years in the relationship.
And it made sense. But I also had a bet.
Bet with actually, that was my first boyfriend, my second
boyfriend. Already upon our breakup in the
day when we were breaking up, hetold me every time you went to
sleep, I was reading your messages on your phone because I
(12:06):
trusted him. He had access to my phone.
I had access to his phone. I've never touched that in my
life. Yeah, he was in like, he was
reading messages was like my my friends and everything.
I just couldn't believe that, you know, I never even like
thought of that, but that that happened.
In security, yeah, people who are insecure, they they need to
(12:27):
do that and they need to go through and they're going to
take anything out of context. I remember for my very first
girlfriend ever, this was back when like nobody even had cell
phones and like. You're old.
Night, I think it was 2000, the year exactly 2000.
She went on vacation. I like went to pick something up
from her dad's house and she left her computer open.
(12:48):
I went through her e-mail. Oh my God, you're horrible.
Terrible. I found an e-mail to another
buddy saying that Robbie's a baddancer and like I confronted her
about it and she and of course, I didn't tell her that I went
through her e-mail, but the onlyway she's like, I only told that
to to one guy that was Ian. And like I, you must have, you
(13:10):
know, like she kind of figured it out, but I never admitted to
it. So Tanya, if you're watching
this, I'm sorry. You, you were bad.
And all it did, all it did was ruin my confidence with dancing.
And it was terrible. Like, I wish I'd never done
this. I didn't do it ever again since
then. But it's so stupid you can be
out of the context maybe there. She was only saying it to Ian
(13:31):
because she felt bad for him because she kind of like I think
he had a crush on her too and she chose me over hand.
Exactly, so you never know what what's happening in the
conversation. Maybe they're both were
attending dance classes and they're like professional
dancers or something, you know, you never know.
And and like also this emoji like you send this like hugging
(13:53):
emoji. I'm like this is my best not
best friend. This is like my family friend
that I grew up with since I was.Five like a kiss or.
Something, someone. Gets all pissed.
Yeah, it's just like you go through all of my other emojis,
like I send them all the time. So don't do that.
If the girl you're dating is doing that, run for the hills.
Get rid of her real quick. If you're a divorced guy trying
(14:14):
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(14:35):
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All right, red flag #4 sex is weaponized.
Or it just feels a little bit off, You know, maybe you feel
like you can't fully relax during intimacy.
She might withhold sex, use it as leverage or twist your
(14:57):
boundary somehow. If you're confused, if you're
emasculated or just feels off, trust that.
I don't think we need to really go into this a ton.
I just think if it doesn't feel right, then that's a signal that
you should probably find somebody where it does feel
right. Because this is, in essence, if
you decide to be monogamous, theperson you're going to spend,
you know, a really long period of time with, hopefully.
(15:20):
And if that part is off, you know that's the only part of the
relationship that is different from your other relationships,
right? Like you can be friends with
your dog, you can be close with your family, but the only thing
intimate about an intimate relationship is that is the sex
part. So if that part's off, like find
somebody where it's not off. Exactly.
Obviously there can be, you know, days when, you know, you
(15:43):
don't feel right and all those things and you need to respect
that for sure. But as Robbie said, yeah, if
someone withhold sex or you know, how do you call it?
Use it as a weapon. Use.
It as a weapon. Control, yeah.
Yeah. No, that's immediate now.
So remember, sex should build closeness, not confusion.
(16:05):
The next red flag? She has a broken relationship
with her own family. You know a woman who talks about
how toxic or crazy her whole family is and takes 0 ownership
usually hasn't done the work to break that cycle.
Be careful, you might become thenext emotional dumping ground.
Oh, I agree with that. But the thing that the big
problem was that when someone has such a dysfunctional family
(16:26):
and there are a lot of people who came from dysfunctional
families and they're beautiful people, you know, you can work
through. But you know, there are.
I was just watching. It's not barely the case of an
adoption in Ukrainian family. They adopted a girl and they
have their own kids. One of their own kids was doing
some nothing bad and the adoptedgirl said let's tie him up like
(16:49):
a normal thing. And when they and when they
threw work through this, this little girl said that when she
was behaving bad, she was tied up.
So for her that was a normal thing to propose.
Let's tie him up. He's behaving bad because in her
brain it's something normal. I behave bad.
I'm getting tied up. So like in, you know, in, in
(17:11):
families that are like toxic, there is a lot of things that
those family are doing that now,you know, the adults think it's
normal and they're going to be doing it to you and they're
going to make you do this to your own family because in their
eyes it's normal when it's not. So yeah, if those people don't
do the work and they figure out,you know, how their family kind
(17:34):
of screwed them up, then it's not your job to do that for her,
right? Better to find somebody who
doesn't. Everyone has baggage, everyone
has trauma of some degree, right?
You can lose a balloon as like a2 year old and have trauma from
that, but it doesn't mean it's your job to fix her, right?
So don't be captain, save a hoe,white knight, cuck, all those
(17:54):
things. If a person really seeks help,
of course you you should try helping.
But if the person does not want to be helped, you cannot help
that person. Exactly.
So the next one is she doesn't have close female friends or she
doesn't have close female friends anymore.
Either she never had real friendships to begin with or she
(18:15):
slowly dropped all of them as she zeroed in on you.
This makes you her only emotional outlet, which becomes
suffocating. Oopsie, I don't have any
friends. That's not true.
You have a lot of joking. No, I move from a different
country. I have an excuse, but your.
Sister when we your sister in Ukraine and you are my.
Best friend? No.
Yeah, yeah. Mike.
(18:36):
I was like, Oh yeah. I mean, now you have a smaller
circle of friends, but a very close circle of friends.
Exactly. No, I still have my friends, but
you know, from Ukraine and stuff.
But you but you know, it's not like you can be really close
with them. Yeah, you've adopted a lot of my
(18:57):
friends as your friends and viceversa.
And I think that's healthy. And of course, in the in a
relationship, you're going to nolonger depend on your friends as
much, right? When you're single, like your
friends or your family. And then when you get in a
relationship, it's a balancing act trying to manage the
closeness with your friends without just being the guy or
(19:18):
the girl who's like, oh, bye. I'm like in a relationship now,
right? That's that's a red flag to
begin. With also got very lucky because
both of your sisters, they were very loving and accepting of me.
So I like had the best possible scenario moving to the different
country and having your sister just being so loving.
(19:40):
So they are my friends. And now you make some cool golf
friends on Instagram. Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, OK. I'm developing.
I'm developing. All right, the next red flag is
that she controls the direction of the relationship.
And that's that's never a good sign.
You're the masculine leader. You're the man.
You should steer the ship. And if you feel like a
(20:01):
passenger, well, then guess what, buddy?
You are. You are a passenger.
She dictates when you move in, when you commit, what your
boundaries are and what's normal, and if you resist, she
threatens to leave or she guilt trips you.
So this dynamic is never sustainable and it often leads
to her cheating or blowing up inthe future.
But it's also I wouldn't agree that only just she cheating.
(20:24):
I think sometimes when they're so focused on that person that
they're their whole universe, they just want to make sure,
but. Yeah.
It's not all definitely because look, my first boyfriend that
example was giving how he was controlling his parents are
actually one of them was cut cheating and they got divorced
(20:45):
when my boyfriend at the time was a child.
So that's why he's controlling came up be so severe because he
was scared that I'm also cheating and we are also going
to break up and he's going to reexperience the trauma, right.
And obviously he needs to work with psychologists so he doesn't
(21:05):
put that baggage basically on his new relationship because
there is no like bright future with that.
But because he experienced that that's what he is as an adult
right now. So it's not always about that
the girl will will cheat. I think it's.
Yeah, I'm just saying that's that is unfortunately the
(21:27):
outcome in a lot of these scenarios.
When you're when you're dating aman who's behaving like a boy
and who's not leading the relationship, ultimately you
either leave him or you find somebody who is more manly.
Yeah. OK.
Yeah, I see that right now. Yeah, there is.
Yeah. Yeah, bottom line, lead.
If you let her lead, you're you're going to run into
(21:48):
problems. And you know, women don't want
to lead. They, they want to be
passengers, so. Even if they they tell you they
do, is actually not like I. There is no chance I want to
lead. Yeah, there's a great analogy.
No, thank you. There's a great analogy in the
book The Value of Others by Orion Tarabani.
(22:10):
He has this whole captain passenger metaphor and he does a
really good job of explaining why it is in a man's best
interest to be the captain and it's in a woman's best interest
to be a passenger. And if those gender roles are
screwed up, then you have lots of issues and.
Drunk. That's a great book.
Actually, where I was listening was you in the car a lot to that
(22:31):
book. So I actually recommend it to
everybody. So the next red flag is you're
constantly feeling like you're walking on egg shells.
You're always managing her mood.Maybe you censor yourself.
You're careful not to trigger her, and over time, your sense
of self erodes. You know, if peace in the
relationship depends entirely onyour behavior, that's not a
relationship. That's a dictatorship.
(22:52):
Now I agree with that. Obviously there are times in the
months when girls are oversensitive and you know, it's
nice to have a man when you are in such, you know, state to have
help obviously. But if it's constant day-to-day
(23:14):
actual walking, then that's where it's the problem.
Yeah, I mean, you want to be able to be yourself pretty much
100% of the time around your partner.
That's what makes for a close relationship, right?
You want her to be herself. You want to be able to be
yourself instead of trying to act and behave in a way that you
think they like, right? And that's kind of how you know
(23:36):
that you found somebody who's great for you is you feel like
you do get to be yourself the majority of the time.
Of course, you can't be a complete and utter narcissistic
jerk and not cares that about the other person is that you
can't just be like, oh, I'm going to be myself all the time,
which means I'm going to, you know, not give a shit.
That's not it either. But you certainly shouldn't feel
like you have to be putting on aperformance all the time to keep
(23:58):
her around. But that's the problem, I think
actually it's touching another issue.
If you're getting in with someone with your performance,
then they think it's who you are, then you must put that
performance on daily basis. And at one point you are so
tired because that's not you. So it's really important,
(24:21):
obviously, not be like yourself when you're just like a loser
and you're lazy and you're not doing anything, but be yourself
in a way way that you know need to be pretending in a
relationship. Yeah, yeah.
If you use behavior to get her, then you're constantly going to
be, you know, a slave to having that perfect behavior.
(24:44):
I've actually done that before. It was the most miserable
relationship I was ever in. Well, it was basically just
that, like I, I was very good atlearning, like, you know, I
learned all about game and seduction and I knew what this
girl wanted because we had kind of dated before that.
And then we broke up and I knew why we broke up.
(25:04):
And there was like this big desire to like get her back and,
and I was able to like manipulate the situation and get
her back, but I wasn't the type of guy that she wanted.
Like she ended up like dating like a, a drug dealer mafia type
of guy. Like she needed a criminal, you
know, that's what she was attracted to.
And and she needed that sort of drama in her life.
(25:28):
And I'm like, I could play a criminal on TV, you know, and be
the bad boy. I basically turned on all the
bad boy dark triad traits and I understood how to how to use
those to my advantage, but then I was like, I don't want to be
this guy. This isn't fun.
Yeah, it's not. Fun.
I'm not that type of guy, right?I'm kind of a goofball most of
the time, right? Anyways, at least I saw that was
(25:51):
happening and I'm the one who walked away from that
relationship and glad I did because it was a lot of
performance. I felt like I had to be perfect
all the time and it just wasn't fun.
Yeah, a lot of, you know, you have a day of a month, you just
want to, you know, be upset about something.
It's fun. I.
Don't have those days of the month luckily so I don't know.
But I just feel you. Sometimes Robbie likes to
(26:11):
complain about something. I guess I'm on my periods.
You know, yeah. And I like be like, poor.
He's a poor guy. Poor guy.
He's upset. So men can have periods too.
Yeah, but it's just just how youapproach it.
You know, it's like, it's fine that people can be upset.
You can be burnt at your work. You can be, you know, worried
(26:32):
about paying the bills or something else.
It's fine to be vulnerable. So the next one is you've lost
sight of your goals and identity.
You're not chasing the things you used to care about.
You know you're not going after what's best for your career.
You're not indulging in your hobbies or self development,
you're too wrapped up in managing the relationship.
So that's not love, that's codependency.
(26:54):
Love should expand you, not consume you.
I agree with that. You know, for some reason I got
that example. Remember we were watching Why
women kill. Don't judge Robbie.
I push him to watch that, but heagree he liked it.
Remember in the 6th 60s, that couple when the guy was cheating
on her and she was just sitting at home basically and she was a
(27:18):
like phenomenal pianist and he told her to not play and he
basically not forbid her but told her she's not good enough
and she's never gonna make it. And she was regretting about
this whole her life and after she found out that he was
actually cheating on her this entire time.
So he. Wanted to be the center of
(27:38):
attention. He was a raging narcissist and
he didn't like that. She had her own life and hobbies
and interests and he wanted to make sure.
But also she was getting attention from other people
because she was such a talent that he didn't want any other
man be a a fan of her, right? So insecurity, insecurity.
So the like your partner should be proud of you if you have any
(28:05):
hobby and if you're good at anything they're obviously
should support you and if they don't it's definitely a red
flag. So the next one is you feel
guilty when you think about leaving her.
Not sad, but guilty. Like she'll fall apart without
you, like you're abandoning her.That's not connection, that's
trauma bonding. And if your instinct says run
(28:27):
but your guilt says stay, pay attention to your instinct.
I agree with that. Yeah, I think that's hard.
It's hard. It's hard to get out.
But don't let guilt like ruin the best years of your life or
any minute of your life. But I think it's it's, it's
easier to get out if you're like6 months into the relationship.
(28:47):
Yeah, the longer you stay in, the harder.
Like you still can have like listen to your friends or to
your family. You still like very close with
your social circle. But if you're, you know, like
5-6, seven years into the relationship, you're obviously
more bond with that person than with your family because you're
an adult. You're not anymore bond with
(29:08):
your parents as when you were a child.
So that person has the biggest bond with you.
So it's it's a very complicated issue.
It's it's easy to say, yeah, don't waste your young years,
just leave. It's not that easy.
But I think what's really important it's, you know, if
you're not as close to your family and you're feeling this
(29:30):
way, just try to like reconnect with your.
Family get into that now actually how to do that so you
bring up a very good point it's not easy so we're going to give
you a step by step how to break free safely, including
reconnecting with your family OhI love that so the first step is
accept that the relationship is not fixable right now you've
(29:52):
probably rationalized or hoped things would improve but deep
down you know this isn't sustainable so let go of the
fantasy version of her she wantsyou to think oh if you just do
everything I want then I'll be perfect for you it's like
that's. Yeah, I think it's it's actually
so spot on. The first step at just admitting
to yourself that, you know, it'snot the perfect relationship and
(30:17):
you need to do something with that.
Obviously to do something with it, it's much harder, but I
think as soon as you at least went by like accepting that
mentally in your head, we can goto the next step.
Yeah, All right. The next step, stop seeking your
validation. You may want to explain
everything perfectly to her to avoid feeling like the bad guy,
(30:37):
but in these dynamics, she'll never let you leave clean.
She'll twist it no matter what. Remember, you don't need
closure, You need peace. And the worst thing you can do,
it's like try to reason with heror talk to her about it.
You just gotta go, you know? Yeah, that breakup is never
going to be clean. OK.
Yeah, thank you for all the years.
Let's just break up clean. Yeah, You need to, I think,
(30:59):
understand that that breakup is going to be nasty no matter
what, no matter how perfect you will want to do it.
It's not going. To be ugly.
So yeah, RIP off the Band-Aid and reconnect with someone safe,
even if it's been a while. Maybe you even burned a bridge
with that person. But if it's your family or close
friends, you know they'll be willing to reconcile with you.
(31:23):
Yeah, I agree with that. I like, I actually think if any
of my friends even from the pastthat were not really in touch
will reach out to me and say, hey, you know, how are you?
I'm, you know, experiencing thatand that or sorry that we
weren't in touch because of, youknow, that and that I would be
like very happy to help. You could even say, hey, I know
(31:43):
I pulled away and I I kind of regret how I handled things.
I've been in a toxic situation and I'm trying to get out and I
could really use some support right now, right?
And a real friend doesn't say I told you so I'm right.
They would say, I'm glad to haveyou back.
I agree with it and especially Ithink even better with the
family member is going to be even more accepting because it I
(32:06):
think all the family members in those situation, they just
really patiently wait and they like this message will be the
happiest thing that happened to them.
They're waiting for you. Yeah, they're waiting for you.
So #4 I think we kind of touchedon this, but is plan a quiet
strategic exit. No drama, no big final argument.
Don't wait for a fight, just a clean, calm action.
(32:27):
If you live together, plan your logistics in advance, where
you're going, how you'll communicate, all that stuff.
I had to do this once in New York.
I knew I was going to break up with this girl just because I
there was actually nothing wrongwith her.
It was me knowing that I wasn't ready for a relationship.
So rather than like have to moveall my stuff out and have this
(32:48):
difficult, you know, experience for her, I, I waited till she
went to work. I moved all my stuff.
And then I called her right before her shift was over and I
told her, you know, I'm sorry. I'm, I can't do this anymore.
Broke up with her. You know, she, she told me I was
just a player with a nice smile,which was true, but at least I
was able to get out. And you know she came home to
(33:10):
not having to deal with something messy.
Sometimes, you know, in some, insome cases people say you need
to do it face to face, but in some cases you actually don't.
I agree with that. Like if you're just like a in a
normal relationship, there is not a drama, but you're just you
know, don't you know, you understand the it's you know,
not for you don't see any futuretogether.
(33:32):
Yeah, you can see it and say hey, you know, blah, blah, blah.
And like, let's be friends or especially maybe if you have
children together, you want to Co parent.
That's that's totally fine. But there are some situation
when it's better to be when it'sbetter to be done with No.
I had a girl break up with me over e-mail and I think that's
the best way I've ever been broken up with.
(33:52):
Now granted, I wanted her to break up with me, so that was
nice, but it was it was just very easy after that.
I was like, yeah, why do you have to have this whole show and
do it in person? Just do it over e-mail.
It's just a boyfriend, girlfriend.
It's not like you're married, right?
Like I. Had the breakup face.
Oh my God it's so funny going tothe very first boyfriend.
I broke up with him over text indifferent city.
(34:15):
I mean, over the phone. Months passed.
I went back to my city and my mom told me to talk to him face
to face. We talked, He was promising that
he is going to change and it will never happen again.
Yeah. And I knew it's not going to
change. And I said no.
And afterwards, all the gossips that I was already having a new
(34:36):
boyfriend and cheating on him. So it's like.
Just dragging it out. Yeah, it's not going to help
you. Just do it.
Be done with it. Expect pushback.
Stay no contact. She's going to cry, she might
rage. She's going to promise to
change. She might even act like your
best friend or soul mate again for a few days.
Remember that's love bombing, don't fall for it.
(34:56):
That's how the cycle continues. And if needed, block her and
mute mutual contacts temporarily.
You really need no contact to heal.
I've helped so many clients go through breakups and
experiencing a ton of breakups myself.
What I found is there's kind of like a math equation to it
right? However long you've been in the
relationship, if you're the one getting dumped, it takes at
(35:21):
least that long to get over it, right?
If you were in the relationship for six months and she dumps
you, you're probably need six months to get over.
But in this situation, obviously, we're talking about
leaving somebody who has all these red flags.
So hopefully you get over it pretty quickly, right?
You, you're probably in the act of getting over it by watching
this podcast even you've alreadykind of decided maybe they're
(35:42):
not a great fit or hopefully you're not like addicted to them
at this point. Maybe you are.
But remember, it's going to takea while.
And every time you contact them or even look at their page or
you trigger these memories, yourbrain is going to want you to
like feel comfort and get back together.
And it's going to slow the wholeprocess of you healing and you
detaching down very like a ton. So the best thing you can do for
(36:06):
yourself is no contact. Don't look at her stuff, you
know, block her if you have to get over it and then you'll be
able to move forward. But also, I think with the time
with with no contact, do you have this phrase you can remove
pink glasses off off of you? Yeah.
Do you have that? Yeah.
(36:26):
Because when you don't have contact, you see the world,
world differently. And you start to understand
that's like, oh, that was a normal.
Oh, that was a manipulation. Rose colored.
Glasses rose colored. Yeah.
Yeah. But if you keep, you know,
talking to them even once a week, you're not going to see
that. You need like a really like a
(36:47):
while to be able to see the world.
Don't see the world through those glasses anymore.
Yeah, the last one. Or maybe not the last one.
One that's important. Rebuild your support system,
even if it feels shameful. Swallow your pride.
Start small. Rebuild one relationship at a
time, especially with family. Be honest.
You know, vulnerability rebuildstrust faster than perfection.
(37:10):
You're going to be surprised howmany people were just waiting
for you to come back. You know, we talked about this.
Shame isolates, truth reconnects.
So the last one, reclaim your identity.
Start doing the things you used to love again.
Maybe lifting. For me, it would be golfing,
working on your goals. Join new communities.
Invest in yourself. You've been managing someone
(37:31):
else's emotions for so long thatyou've forgotten your own.
Remember to forgive yourself forstaying and for cutting others
off. You were in survival mode.
You made choices under pressure,and now you're choosing clarity.
So own it. Don't hate on yourself for it.
Right? Yeah.
It happens to anybody, so yeah. And they'll be there for you
(37:52):
when you come back, right? As long as you're have some
humility about it, right? Just own up to the fact that
like, yeah, I shouldn't have. I didn't.
I didn't. I was in the midst of it, right?
You're, you're kind of not that you're ever really a victim, but
you're kind of a victim in this situation if you didn't.
No, you are you actually are you.
It's a mental abuse. It's also it's, it's a type of
(38:14):
abuse. Yeah, it really is.
So if you're listening to this and realizing like, damn, this
is my life, you know, you're notalone.
Maybe you're still in it trying to figure it out how to leave
without blowing everything up. Or maybe you've already left,
but you're feeling lost, isolated and unsure who you are
without her. Well, that's why we built the
inner confidence community. It's a vetted group of guys, no
(38:36):
BS, no judgement, who've been through this exact kind of thing
and came out the other side stronger.
We've got your back. Whether you need to plan to
leave, help rebuilding your confidence, or just a bunch of
guys you can actually talk to about this stuff, that's what
we're there for. You don't have to do this alone,
and honestly, you shouldn't. So hit the link in the show
notes, fill out the application,and if you're a good fit, you
(38:58):
and I will hop on a call. We'll see how we can help.
No pressure, just clarity, brotherhood, and your next
chapter. Yeah, I think that was a good
episode and see help if you needto, especially to your close
friends and your family there waiting.
Thanks, baby. Thank you.
See you next time guys. Out of all the guys I know, the
only ones who managed to consistently win the game are
(39:20):
those who built and invested in a high status social circle.
You can certainly approach womenand try your luck on the apps if
you're a Chad, but those strategies simply don't work
consistently to attract top tierwomen and awesome friends in
your life. But for most guys, the idea of
building a social circle can feel overwhelming.
So they continue to hunt for women in their usual ways and
end up settling for a girl they were never really that excited
(39:40):
about in the 1st place. To avoid this fate, join our
community and instantly plug into a highly vetted social
circle of cool dudes to network and navigate your journey with.
You already know it's hard to find wing men because the good
ones don't stay in the game verylong.
Many of our members travel together, end up living
together, build amazing circles and even businesses together
both in the West and in many of the best locations around the
globe. With gorgeous women and low cost
(40:02):
of living, I'm extremely carefulwho I let into this community,
but if you feel like you'd make a good fit, you can apply to
join the links in the description.
So what do you do when the womanyou thought was your soulmate
slowly isolates you from your family, your friends, or even
your own sense of self? When what started as an intense
love turns into emotional manipulation and you can't tell
if you're the problem or you're the one being controlled?
Well, that's what we're going tounpack today.
I'm here with my wife, Maria. Hi.
And we're going to be talking about toxic relationships.
(00:21):
And this isn't some surface level list of bad girlfriend
traits. This is a hard look at how
smart, high functioning guys endup in toxic relationships with
women who isolate, control, and drain them, and how to break
free without breaking yourself in the process.
In the first half, we're going to walk through the 10
psychological red flags that show you're in a relationship
with a woman who's more focused on controlling you than loving
(00:44):
you. And in the second-half, we'll
share the real psychologically sound exit plan, especially if
you burn bridges with your family, lost touch with your
friends, and feel like she's your whole world.
If any part of this hits home, stay with us.
There's a way out. We're going to show you how
you're listening to the Inner Confidence Podcast.
My name is Robbie Kramer, I've been a coach since 2007 and I've
helped countless men rapidly achieve all their social and
(01:07):
dating goals. My mission is simple to help you
position yourself to meet stunning women, make awesome
friends in route to becoming themost confident and attractive
version you can possibly be. I'm absolutely obsessed with
giving you the most leverage ways possible to win the game.
So stick around, let's go. So let's go through those list
of red flags, and maybe we'll take turns going through each.
(01:29):
I'll do the first one, no. You're going to go through all
of that one now. See, controlling.
All right, so the first one is sudden conflict with your
family. So maybe you used to get along
with your family, but now it feels like they don't understand
you or they're judging your relationship.
But this shift didn't really come from you, did it?
(01:51):
It's often seated by your partner, subtly undermining
those connections behind the scenes.
First, from your perspective, have you ever experienced
anything like that with any of your girlfriends?
Yes, with one of them I did. She would kind of start poking
at my family members, not to them, obviously, but to me
(02:12):
saying like this person so annoying your sister, your
brother, like everyone. She had something negative to
say about pretty much everybody.And of course you can always
find the negativity about people, but it's weird.
Like I, I never said that stuff about her family just because
you don't want to cross that boundary.
You know, it's not my place to be judging her family.
(02:32):
I mean maybe if I'm like marriedto her and it's I have a a
relationship with them like way down the road then it would
become more normal. But this happened like very
early on the relationship and I just found it to be quite weird.
So what happened to the relationships?
I dumped her. Typical Robbie Kramer, but did
(02:53):
your family at the time notice that something was wrong?
Oh, they didn't like her at all.OK, Yeah.
Why? They didn't like her vibe, you
know, they just kind of got a bad feeling about her.
But do you trust your family? Was that sort of a feeling?
I do because I feel like my family is very socially
(03:15):
adjusted. They have very good people
skills, social skills. I know they have my best
interest, of course. No, that's nice.
Because first, at first I like, they weren't very vocal about
it, but I could just tell that they weren't like huge fans,
right? Because they weren't.
Saying like, just that, yeah. This girl is so great.
Or we like her for you. You know, they're very much not
(03:36):
interested in anything having todo with her.
OK, Yeah. But they weren't straight up
mean or rude and they never toldme that they didn't like her
until after I broke up with her.Yeah, I just noticed a lot that
a lot of people, they actually do not listen to their family
about such a topics, which I found weird because that's your
family, family and they, you know, they have your best
(03:58):
interests. So it's the only people you
actually need to really listen. And if they don't really like
your boyfriend or girlfriend, itshould tell you a lot.
Yeah, you know. I think it's tough for guys in
their, you know, 20s and 30s because they kind of feel like
maybe their family doesn't really understand them or
doesn't really know, you know, And as a teenager, as like a boy
(04:21):
and 18, your family is kind of like the last person.
You think they're like out of touch or whatever?
But it's more for Yeah, I agree that's more for boys than for
girls. I agree with you because I never
felt this way, right? All right, well that's red flag
#1 the next red flag is that you've become socially isolated.
You rarely see your friends anymore, and you don't feel
(04:43):
excited or safe introducing her to them.
Either she shows 0 interest in meeting them, or worse, she
actively sews tension or talks trash about them.
Have you ever had a boyfriend who did that with you?
No, I I was lucky that they didn't have the problem, but as
as a woman, I would say that if my boyfriend would not introduce
(05:07):
me to his friends when we like became official boyfriend and
girlfriend, it would be immediately no for me.
Like I would, I would be questioning why you're not
showing me to your friends if there is a problem, there is
something wrong about me or there is something wrong about
our relationship. So that would be for me now.
And like I know several, even some of my friends that had that
(05:31):
issue and they, you know, I'm not the one to judge, but it
happens a lot. Well, that's.
One of the best ways to tell if the person you're dating, you
know, is somebody worth dating. It's Show me your friends.
I'll show you your future. I think that's one of the most
powerful quotes I've ever heard because you are a collection of
the five people you hang out with the most and you will
(05:54):
become exactly like your friends.
It's just, you know, that's how osmosis works.
No matter what, who you hang outwith has a major impact on who
you are. So if you're with a girl who's
isolating you from your friends and just saying like, be with
me, let's do everything together, blah, blah.
Like she's doing that for a reason.
And it's almost always a manipulation and control
strategy. You know, she's not trying to
(06:16):
make you a better guy. She's trying to remove all of
those bonds that you have and have full control over you.
And I feel like women who do this, they don't necessarily do
this consciously. I think most of the time it's
more of an unconscious behavior because they have these sort of
issues and they're not comfortable with the guys
(06:36):
friends. They know that the friends will
probably not like them. Exactly, and because they know
that the friends will have a bignot power, how to say influence,
influence over over their friend, Because you know, for me
that would be like, no, like immediately I would be like,
show me to your friends, like introduce me to your friends,
(06:56):
right. And of course they're going to
give their opinions about me. Oh, we like her or oh, we don't,
she's a bitch. Dump her, you know, But that's
still, you know, that's still really important for me.
All right, well, the next one red flag #3 is she violates your
privacy. Maybe she's going through your
phone, checking your social media, asking invasive questions
(07:19):
about your past. This isn't love.
It's control and security and obsession that's wrapped in a
nice little bow of fake concern.So remember, love doesn't come
with surveillance. So what do you think is a
healthy amount of, you know, surveillance?
I guess nothing if you call it surveillance.
But what's a healthy amount of checking on your partner and all
(07:43):
that sort of thing? This can be a tricky 1.
I actually had this happen to mein my very first relationship
and it was horrible. So like initially we dated for
two years and I broke have broken up with him.
And I started noticing it the after a year because we were
(08:05):
living in the same town in my hometown.
And after I moved to the capitalto study to Kiev and we were
having like long distant relationships.
And then it really kicked in when I noticed that because like
I would go to my to university, I would come back and as soon as
I'm back, we're like on the phone the entire time.
(08:28):
Like I want to go to the grocerystore.
He is like, oh, I'm gonna call you.
Let's talk on the way there. I'm like, OK, you know, I miss
you. That's fun.
But like when it start going dayafter day and after I'm like,
oh, I'm going to go with my friend from my dorm to like, you
know, just go somewhere walk andhe's like, send me the picture,
(08:50):
send me that. And I'm like, whoa, that's super
bad. And as soon as I'm like, just
try to set my boundaries and say, look, I actually so tired.
I'm so tired after the the wholeday in university.
I just want had have my music inmy headphones and just want to
go walk, you know, in the city and just listen to my music.
(09:10):
And he's like, are you going with someone?
This is so weird. Like, send me a picture.
So yeah, that's yeah, that's a lot, you know, And because we've
been together for already over ayear, it was like something new
to me. I immediately felt that it was
wrong and I needed to break up those relationship.
But a lot of people, they have different circumstances, so they
(09:33):
don't really know that that's sobad and they don't really break
them up till it's, you know, they're like.
Sure. Well, I think what's interesting
is some people might look at what we do in terms of each
other's phones location settingsand think there's an issue
there. And I think we have a very
(09:54):
healthy level of that. And to explain what that is, is
I have full access to your phone.
You have full access to my phone.
I'm confident that you would never just go through my phone.
I've never, I've actually never went through a phone exactly
unless you asked me to. Right.
And I've never gone through yourphone and I could I just why
would I dig there even? And then the other thing is we
(10:16):
both have each others location settings, live location all the
time, which I think is what we're obviously married.
So that's different. I had I had a buddy of mine.
I'm looking if he's in the clubhouse or still in the 17th
hole. Well.
It's very convenient to know where she is.
Like if I need to go meet up with her, I can just find her on
the, you know, Find My iPhone app.
(10:37):
But I'm never surveilling her and she's never surveilling me.
Like if she wanted to go on my phone and find a bunch of shit
to be pissed about, you can findold pictures and crap like that,
you know? But like, you know, I'm
confident that you wouldn't do that because you're secure and
you're confident that I wouldn'tdo that in your phone either.
So it's convenient for us to have access to each other's.
But also if something happened to you, I'm like, I'm so
(11:00):
paranoid about even like, you know, Ubering, like if it's like
maybe not safe driver, like I really want him to have my
location at all times so he can know if something happened to
me, you know, where is my phone?That's.
I have a close friend who his, you know, this is a terrible
tragedy. His wife was drugged and and
(11:23):
killed and it's because he had the location of her phone that
they were able to figure out whodid it.
He yeah, police would never findout unless that phone.
So like especially that case, that's yeah, that's also
important for him. But I think like other people,
if they want full privacy and don't share the location, I also
respect that. Especially if they're if they're
(11:45):
not, yeah, we never did that until.
No, until we three years in the relationship.
And it made sense. But I also had a bet.
Bet with actually, that was my first boyfriend, my second
boyfriend. Already upon our breakup in the
day when we were breaking up, hetold me every time you went to
sleep, I was reading your messages on your phone because I
(12:06):
trusted him. He had access to my phone.
I had access to his phone. I've never touched that in my
life. Yeah, he was in like, he was
reading messages was like my my friends and everything.
I just couldn't believe that, you know, I never even like
thought of that, but that that happened.
In security, yeah, people who are insecure, they they need to
(12:27):
do that and they need to go through and they're going to
take anything out of context. I remember for my very first
girlfriend ever, this was back when like nobody even had cell
phones and like. You're old.
Night, I think it was 2000, the year exactly 2000.
She went on vacation. I like went to pick something up
from her dad's house and she left her computer open.
(12:48):
I went through her e-mail. Oh my God, you're horrible.
Terrible. I found an e-mail to another
buddy saying that Robbie's a baddancer and like I confronted her
about it and she and of course, I didn't tell her that I went
through her e-mail, but the onlyway she's like, I only told that
to to one guy that was Ian. And like I, you must have, you
(13:10):
know, like she kind of figured it out, but I never admitted to
it. So Tanya, if you're watching
this, I'm sorry. You, you were bad.
And all it did, all it did was ruin my confidence with dancing.
And it was terrible. Like, I wish I'd never done
this. I didn't do it ever again since
then. But it's so stupid you can be
out of the context maybe there. She was only saying it to Ian
(13:31):
because she felt bad for him because she kind of like I think
he had a crush on her too and she chose me over hand.
Exactly, so you never know what what's happening in the
conversation. Maybe they're both were
attending dance classes and they're like professional
dancers or something, you know, you never know.
And and like also this emoji like you send this like hugging
(13:53):
emoji. I'm like this is my best not
best friend. This is like my family friend
that I grew up with since I was.Five like a kiss or.
Something, someone. Gets all pissed.
Yeah, it's just like you go through all of my other emojis,
like I send them all the time. So don't do that.
If the girl you're dating is doing that, run for the hills.
Get rid of her real quick. If you're a divorced guy trying
(14:14):
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(14:35):
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All right, red flag #4 sex is weaponized.
Or it just feels a little bit off, You know, maybe you feel
like you can't fully relax during intimacy.
She might withhold sex, use it as leverage or twist your
(14:57):
boundary somehow. If you're confused, if you're
emasculated or just feels off, trust that.
I don't think we need to really go into this a ton.
I just think if it doesn't feel right, then that's a signal that
you should probably find somebody where it does feel
right. Because this is, in essence, if
you decide to be monogamous, theperson you're going to spend,
you know, a really long period of time with, hopefully.
(15:20):
And if that part is off, you know that's the only part of the
relationship that is different from your other relationships,
right? Like you can be friends with
your dog, you can be close with your family, but the only thing
intimate about an intimate relationship is that is the sex
part. So if that part's off, like find
somebody where it's not off. Exactly.
Obviously there can be, you know, days when, you know, you
(15:43):
don't feel right and all those things and you need to respect
that for sure. But as Robbie said, yeah, if
someone withhold sex or you know, how do you call it?
Use it as a weapon. Use.
It as a weapon. Control, yeah.
Yeah. No, that's immediate now.
So remember, sex should build closeness, not confusion.
(16:05):
The next red flag? She has a broken relationship
with her own family. You know a woman who talks about
how toxic or crazy her whole family is and takes 0 ownership
usually hasn't done the work to break that cycle.
Be careful, you might become thenext emotional dumping ground.
Oh, I agree with that. But the thing that the big
problem was that when someone has such a dysfunctional family
(16:26):
and there are a lot of people who came from dysfunctional
families and they're beautiful people, you know, you can work
through. But you know, there are.
I was just watching. It's not barely the case of an
adoption in Ukrainian family. They adopted a girl and they
have their own kids. One of their own kids was doing
some nothing bad and the adoptedgirl said let's tie him up like
(16:49):
a normal thing. And when they and when they
threw work through this, this little girl said that when she
was behaving bad, she was tied up.
So for her that was a normal thing to propose.
Let's tie him up. He's behaving bad because in her
brain it's something normal. I behave bad.
I'm getting tied up. So like in, you know, in, in
(17:11):
families that are like toxic, there is a lot of things that
those family are doing that now,you know, the adults think it's
normal and they're going to be doing it to you and they're
going to make you do this to your own family because in their
eyes it's normal when it's not. So yeah, if those people don't
do the work and they figure out,you know, how their family kind
(17:34):
of screwed them up, then it's not your job to do that for her,
right? Better to find somebody who
doesn't. Everyone has baggage, everyone
has trauma of some degree, right?
You can lose a balloon as like a2 year old and have trauma from
that, but it doesn't mean it's your job to fix her, right?
So don't be captain, save a hoe,white knight, cuck, all those
(17:54):
things. If a person really seeks help,
of course you you should try helping.
But if the person does not want to be helped, you cannot help
that person. Exactly.
So the next one is she doesn't have close female friends or she
doesn't have close female friends anymore.
Either she never had real friendships to begin with or she
(18:15):
slowly dropped all of them as she zeroed in on you.
This makes you her only emotional outlet, which becomes
suffocating. Oopsie, I don't have any
friends. That's not true.
You have a lot of joking. No, I move from a different
country. I have an excuse, but your.
Sister when we your sister in Ukraine and you are my.
Best friend? No.
Yeah, yeah. Mike.
(18:36):
I was like, Oh yeah. I mean, now you have a smaller
circle of friends, but a very close circle of friends.
Exactly. No, I still have my friends, but
you know, from Ukraine and stuff.
But you but you know, it's not like you can be really close
with them. Yeah, you've adopted a lot of my
(18:57):
friends as your friends and viceversa.
And I think that's healthy. And of course, in the in a
relationship, you're going to nolonger depend on your friends as
much, right? When you're single, like your
friends or your family. And then when you get in a
relationship, it's a balancing act trying to manage the
closeness with your friends without just being the guy or
(19:18):
the girl who's like, oh, bye. I'm like in a relationship now,
right? That's that's a red flag to
begin. With also got very lucky because
both of your sisters, they were very loving and accepting of me.
So I like had the best possible scenario moving to the different
country and having your sister just being so loving.
(19:40):
So they are my friends. And now you make some cool golf
friends on Instagram. Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, OK. I'm developing.
I'm developing. All right, the next red flag is
that she controls the direction of the relationship.
And that's that's never a good sign.
You're the masculine leader. You're the man.
You should steer the ship. And if you feel like a
(20:01):
passenger, well, then guess what, buddy?
You are. You are a passenger.
She dictates when you move in, when you commit, what your
boundaries are and what's normal, and if you resist, she
threatens to leave or she guilt trips you.
So this dynamic is never sustainable and it often leads
to her cheating or blowing up inthe future.
But it's also I wouldn't agree that only just she cheating.
(20:24):
I think sometimes when they're so focused on that person that
they're their whole universe, they just want to make sure,
but. Yeah.
It's not all definitely because look, my first boyfriend that
example was giving how he was controlling his parents are
actually one of them was cut cheating and they got divorced
(20:45):
when my boyfriend at the time was a child.
So that's why he's controlling came up be so severe because he
was scared that I'm also cheating and we are also going
to break up and he's going to reexperience the trauma, right.
And obviously he needs to work with psychologists so he doesn't
(21:05):
put that baggage basically on his new relationship because
there is no like bright future with that.
But because he experienced that that's what he is as an adult
right now. So it's not always about that
the girl will will cheat. I think it's.
Yeah, I'm just saying that's that is unfortunately the
(21:27):
outcome in a lot of these scenarios.
When you're when you're dating aman who's behaving like a boy
and who's not leading the relationship, ultimately you
either leave him or you find somebody who is more manly.
Yeah. OK.
Yeah, I see that right now. Yeah, there is.
Yeah. Yeah, bottom line, lead.
If you let her lead, you're you're going to run into
(21:48):
problems. And you know, women don't want
to lead. They, they want to be
passengers, so. Even if they they tell you they
do, is actually not like I. There is no chance I want to
lead. Yeah, there's a great analogy.
No, thank you. There's a great analogy in the
book The Value of Others by Orion Tarabani.
(22:10):
He has this whole captain passenger metaphor and he does a
really good job of explaining why it is in a man's best
interest to be the captain and it's in a woman's best interest
to be a passenger. And if those gender roles are
screwed up, then you have lots of issues and.
Drunk. That's a great book.
Actually, where I was listening was you in the car a lot to that
(22:31):
book. So I actually recommend it to
everybody. So the next red flag is you're
constantly feeling like you're walking on egg shells.
You're always managing her mood.Maybe you censor yourself.
You're careful not to trigger her, and over time, your sense
of self erodes. You know, if peace in the
relationship depends entirely onyour behavior, that's not a
relationship. That's a dictatorship.
(22:52):
Now I agree with that. Obviously there are times in the
months when girls are oversensitive and you know, it's
nice to have a man when you are in such, you know, state to have
help obviously. But if it's constant day-to-day
(23:14):
actual walking, then that's where it's the problem.
Yeah, I mean, you want to be able to be yourself pretty much
100% of the time around your partner.
That's what makes for a close relationship, right?
You want her to be herself. You want to be able to be
yourself instead of trying to act and behave in a way that you
think they like, right? And that's kind of how you know
(23:36):
that you found somebody who's great for you is you feel like
you do get to be yourself the majority of the time.
Of course, you can't be a complete and utter narcissistic
jerk and not cares that about the other person is that you
can't just be like, oh, I'm going to be myself all the time,
which means I'm going to, you know, not give a shit.
That's not it either. But you certainly shouldn't feel
like you have to be putting on aperformance all the time to keep
(23:58):
her around. But that's the problem, I think
actually it's touching another issue.
If you're getting in with someone with your performance,
then they think it's who you are, then you must put that
performance on daily basis. And at one point you are so
tired because that's not you. So it's really important,
(24:21):
obviously, not be like yourself when you're just like a loser
and you're lazy and you're not doing anything, but be yourself
in a way way that you know need to be pretending in a
relationship. Yeah, yeah.
If you use behavior to get her, then you're constantly going to
be, you know, a slave to having that perfect behavior.
(24:44):
I've actually done that before. It was the most miserable
relationship I was ever in. Well, it was basically just
that, like I, I was very good atlearning, like, you know, I
learned all about game and seduction and I knew what this
girl wanted because we had kind of dated before that.
And then we broke up and I knew why we broke up.
(25:04):
And there was like this big desire to like get her back and,
and I was able to like manipulate the situation and get
her back, but I wasn't the type of guy that she wanted.
Like she ended up like dating like a, a drug dealer mafia type
of guy. Like she needed a criminal, you
know, that's what she was attracted to.
And and she needed that sort of drama in her life.
(25:28):
And I'm like, I could play a criminal on TV, you know, and be
the bad boy. I basically turned on all the
bad boy dark triad traits and I understood how to how to use
those to my advantage, but then I was like, I don't want to be
this guy. This isn't fun.
Yeah, it's not. Fun.
I'm not that type of guy, right?I'm kind of a goofball most of
the time, right? Anyways, at least I saw that was
(25:51):
happening and I'm the one who walked away from that
relationship and glad I did because it was a lot of
performance. I felt like I had to be perfect
all the time and it just wasn't fun.
Yeah, a lot of, you know, you have a day of a month, you just
want to, you know, be upset about something.
It's fun. I.
Don't have those days of the month luckily so I don't know.
But I just feel you. Sometimes Robbie likes to
(26:11):
complain about something. I guess I'm on my periods.
You know, yeah. And I like be like, poor.
He's a poor guy. Poor guy.
He's upset. So men can have periods too.
Yeah, but it's just just how youapproach it.
You know, it's like, it's fine that people can be upset.
You can be burnt at your work. You can be, you know, worried
(26:32):
about paying the bills or something else.
It's fine to be vulnerable. So the next one is you've lost
sight of your goals and identity.
You're not chasing the things you used to care about.
You know you're not going after what's best for your career.
You're not indulging in your hobbies or self development,
you're too wrapped up in managing the relationship.
So that's not love, that's codependency.
(26:54):
Love should expand you, not consume you.
I agree with that. You know, for some reason I got
that example. Remember we were watching Why
women kill. Don't judge Robbie.
I push him to watch that, but heagree he liked it.
Remember in the 6th 60s, that couple when the guy was cheating
on her and she was just sitting at home basically and she was a
(27:18):
like phenomenal pianist and he told her to not play and he
basically not forbid her but told her she's not good enough
and she's never gonna make it. And she was regretting about
this whole her life and after she found out that he was
actually cheating on her this entire time.
So he. Wanted to be the center of
(27:38):
attention. He was a raging narcissist and
he didn't like that. She had her own life and hobbies
and interests and he wanted to make sure.
But also she was getting attention from other people
because she was such a talent that he didn't want any other
man be a a fan of her, right? So insecurity, insecurity.
So the like your partner should be proud of you if you have any
(28:05):
hobby and if you're good at anything they're obviously
should support you and if they don't it's definitely a red
flag. So the next one is you feel
guilty when you think about leaving her.
Not sad, but guilty. Like she'll fall apart without
you, like you're abandoning her.That's not connection, that's
trauma bonding. And if your instinct says run
(28:27):
but your guilt says stay, pay attention to your instinct.
I agree with that. Yeah, I think that's hard.
It's hard. It's hard to get out.
But don't let guilt like ruin the best years of your life or
any minute of your life. But I think it's it's, it's
easier to get out if you're like6 months into the relationship.
(28:47):
Yeah, the longer you stay in, the harder.
Like you still can have like listen to your friends or to
your family. You still like very close with
your social circle. But if you're, you know, like
5-6, seven years into the relationship, you're obviously
more bond with that person than with your family because you're
an adult. You're not anymore bond with
(29:08):
your parents as when you were a child.
So that person has the biggest bond with you.
So it's it's a very complicated issue.
It's it's easy to say, yeah, don't waste your young years,
just leave. It's not that easy.
But I think what's really important it's, you know, if
you're not as close to your family and you're feeling this
(29:30):
way, just try to like reconnect with your.
Family get into that now actually how to do that so you
bring up a very good point it's not easy so we're going to give
you a step by step how to break free safely, including
reconnecting with your family OhI love that so the first step is
accept that the relationship is not fixable right now you've
(29:52):
probably rationalized or hoped things would improve but deep
down you know this isn't sustainable so let go of the
fantasy version of her she wantsyou to think oh if you just do
everything I want then I'll be perfect for you it's like
that's. Yeah, I think it's it's actually
so spot on. The first step at just admitting
to yourself that, you know, it'snot the perfect relationship and
(30:17):
you need to do something with that.
Obviously to do something with it, it's much harder, but I
think as soon as you at least went by like accepting that
mentally in your head, we can goto the next step.
Yeah, All right. The next step, stop seeking your
validation. You may want to explain
everything perfectly to her to avoid feeling like the bad guy,
(30:37):
but in these dynamics, she'll never let you leave clean.
She'll twist it no matter what. Remember, you don't need
closure, You need peace. And the worst thing you can do,
it's like try to reason with heror talk to her about it.
You just gotta go, you know? Yeah, that breakup is never
going to be clean. OK.
Yeah, thank you for all the years.
Let's just break up clean. Yeah, You need to, I think,
(30:59):
understand that that breakup is going to be nasty no matter
what, no matter how perfect you will want to do it.
It's not going. To be ugly.
So yeah, RIP off the Band-Aid and reconnect with someone safe,
even if it's been a while. Maybe you even burned a bridge
with that person. But if it's your family or close
friends, you know they'll be willing to reconcile with you.
(31:23):
Yeah, I agree with that. I like, I actually think if any
of my friends even from the pastthat were not really in touch
will reach out to me and say, hey, you know, how are you?
I'm, you know, experiencing thatand that or sorry that we
weren't in touch because of, youknow, that and that I would be
like very happy to help. You could even say, hey, I know
(31:43):
I pulled away and I I kind of regret how I handled things.
I've been in a toxic situation and I'm trying to get out and I
could really use some support right now, right?
And a real friend doesn't say I told you so I'm right.
They would say, I'm glad to haveyou back.
I agree with it and especially Ithink even better with the
family member is going to be even more accepting because it I
(32:06):
think all the family members in those situation, they just
really patiently wait and they like this message will be the
happiest thing that happened to them.
They're waiting for you. Yeah, they're waiting for you.
So #4 I think we kind of touchedon this, but is plan a quiet
strategic exit. No drama, no big final argument.
Don't wait for a fight, just a clean, calm action.
(32:27):
If you live together, plan your logistics in advance, where
you're going, how you'll communicate, all that stuff.
I had to do this once in New York.
I knew I was going to break up with this girl just because I
there was actually nothing wrongwith her.
It was me knowing that I wasn't ready for a relationship.
So rather than like have to moveall my stuff out and have this
(32:48):
difficult, you know, experience for her, I, I waited till she
went to work. I moved all my stuff.
And then I called her right before her shift was over and I
told her, you know, I'm sorry. I'm, I can't do this anymore.
Broke up with her. You know, she, she told me I was
just a player with a nice smile,which was true, but at least I
was able to get out. And you know she came home to
(33:10):
not having to deal with something messy.
Sometimes, you know, in some, insome cases people say you need
to do it face to face, but in some cases you actually don't.
I agree with that. Like if you're just like a in a
normal relationship, there is not a drama, but you're just you
know, don't you know, you understand the it's you know,
not for you don't see any futuretogether.
(33:32):
Yeah, you can see it and say hey, you know, blah, blah, blah.
And like, let's be friends or especially maybe if you have
children together, you want to Co parent.
That's that's totally fine. But there are some situation
when it's better to be when it'sbetter to be done with No.
I had a girl break up with me over e-mail and I think that's
the best way I've ever been broken up with.
(33:52):
Now granted, I wanted her to break up with me, so that was
nice, but it was it was just very easy after that.
I was like, yeah, why do you have to have this whole show and
do it in person? Just do it over e-mail.
It's just a boyfriend, girlfriend.
It's not like you're married, right?
Like I. Had the breakup face.
Oh my God it's so funny going tothe very first boyfriend.
I broke up with him over text indifferent city.
(34:15):
I mean, over the phone. Months passed.
I went back to my city and my mom told me to talk to him face
to face. We talked, He was promising that
he is going to change and it will never happen again.
Yeah. And I knew it's not going to
change. And I said no.
And afterwards, all the gossips that I was already having a new
(34:36):
boyfriend and cheating on him. So it's like.
Just dragging it out. Yeah, it's not going to help
you. Just do it.
Be done with it. Expect pushback.
Stay no contact. She's going to cry, she might
rage. She's going to promise to
change. She might even act like your
best friend or soul mate again for a few days.
Remember that's love bombing, don't fall for it.
(34:56):
That's how the cycle continues. And if needed, block her and
mute mutual contacts temporarily.
You really need no contact to heal.
I've helped so many clients go through breakups and
experiencing a ton of breakups myself.
What I found is there's kind of like a math equation to it
right? However long you've been in the
relationship, if you're the one getting dumped, it takes at
(35:21):
least that long to get over it, right?
If you were in the relationship for six months and she dumps
you, you're probably need six months to get over.
But in this situation, obviously, we're talking about
leaving somebody who has all these red flags.
So hopefully you get over it pretty quickly, right?
You, you're probably in the act of getting over it by watching
this podcast even you've alreadykind of decided maybe they're
(35:42):
not a great fit or hopefully you're not like addicted to them
at this point. Maybe you are.
But remember, it's going to takea while.
And every time you contact them or even look at their page or
you trigger these memories, yourbrain is going to want you to
like feel comfort and get back together.
And it's going to slow the wholeprocess of you healing and you
detaching down very like a ton. So the best thing you can do for
(36:06):
yourself is no contact. Don't look at her stuff, you
know, block her if you have to get over it and then you'll be
able to move forward. But also, I think with the time
with with no contact, do you have this phrase you can remove
pink glasses off off of you? Yeah.
Do you have that? Yeah.
(36:26):
Because when you don't have contact, you see the world,
world differently. And you start to understand
that's like, oh, that was a normal.
Oh, that was a manipulation. Rose colored.
Glasses rose colored. Yeah.
Yeah. But if you keep, you know,
talking to them even once a week, you're not going to see
that. You need like a really like a
(36:47):
while to be able to see the world.
Don't see the world through those glasses anymore.
Yeah, the last one. Or maybe not the last one.
One that's important. Rebuild your support system,
even if it feels shameful. Swallow your pride.
Start small. Rebuild one relationship at a
time, especially with family. Be honest.
You know, vulnerability rebuildstrust faster than perfection.
(37:10):
You're going to be surprised howmany people were just waiting
for you to come back. You know, we talked about this.
Shame isolates, truth reconnects.
So the last one, reclaim your identity.
Start doing the things you used to love again.
Maybe lifting. For me, it would be golfing,
working on your goals. Join new communities.
Invest in yourself. You've been managing someone
(37:31):
else's emotions for so long thatyou've forgotten your own.
Remember to forgive yourself forstaying and for cutting others
off. You were in survival mode.
You made choices under pressure,and now you're choosing clarity.
So own it. Don't hate on yourself for it.
Right? Yeah.
It happens to anybody, so yeah. And they'll be there for you
(37:52):
when you come back, right? As long as you're have some
humility about it, right? Just own up to the fact that
like, yeah, I shouldn't have. I didn't.
I didn't. I was in the midst of it, right?
You're, you're kind of not that you're ever really a victim, but
you're kind of a victim in this situation if you didn't.
No, you are you actually are you.
It's a mental abuse. It's also it's, it's a type of
(38:14):
abuse. Yeah, it really is.
So if you're listening to this and realizing like, damn, this
is my life, you know, you're notalone.
Maybe you're still in it trying to figure it out how to leave
without blowing everything up. Or maybe you've already left,
but you're feeling lost, isolated and unsure who you are
without her. Well, that's why we built the
inner confidence community. It's a vetted group of guys, no
(38:36):
BS, no judgement, who've been through this exact kind of thing
and came out the other side stronger.
We've got your back. Whether you need to plan to
leave, help rebuilding your confidence, or just a bunch of
guys you can actually talk to about this stuff, that's what
we're there for. You don't have to do this alone,
and honestly, you shouldn't. So hit the link in the show
notes, fill out the application,and if you're a good fit, you
(38:58):
and I will hop on a call. We'll see how we can help.
No pressure, just clarity, brotherhood, and your next
chapter. Yeah, I think that was a good
episode and see help if you needto, especially to your close
friends and your family there waiting.
Thanks, baby. Thank you.
See you next time guys. Out of all the guys I know, the
only ones who managed to consistently win the game are
(39:20):
those who built and invested in a high status social circle.
You can certainly approach womenand try your luck on the apps if
you're a Chad, but those strategies simply don't work
consistently to attract top tierwomen and awesome friends in
your life. But for most guys, the idea of
building a social circle can feel overwhelming.
So they continue to hunt for women in their usual ways and
end up settling for a girl they were never really that excited
(39:40):
about in the 1st place. To avoid this fate, join our
community and instantly plug into a highly vetted social
circle of cool dudes to network and navigate your journey with.
You already know it's hard to find wing men because the good
ones don't stay in the game verylong.
Many of our members travel together, end up living
together, build amazing circles and even businesses together
both in the West and in many of the best locations around the
globe. With gorgeous women and low cost
(40:02):
of living, I'm extremely carefulwho I let into this community,
but if you feel like you'd make a good fit, you can apply to
join the links in the description.
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