Empowering Moments with Coach T.Podcast

Empowering Moments with Coach T – Protecting Peace Coach T talks about protecting peace and the steps to living an unbothered Life Connect with Coach T FB/IG: iamthecoacht Web Page: https://Iamthecoacht.com Email Coach T: [e-mail] Phone: [phone]   Connect with Lioness Queen Sistah Vee FB: Sistah Vee IG: v.perdue_ IntellectualRadio.com Show: Fireside Chats on Sundays @ 4pm (cst)

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Buddy, just be's fine and racial positivity, Jim f you.

Speaker 2 (00:12):
Coaching it to dun Billy, honey and pound and moment
we cod see food Vlail, mine food Vlail, mindy and soul.

Speaker 1 (00:31):
Boun and MoMA we colds see. Welcome to empowering Moments
with Coach T right here on Intellectual Radio dot Com. Y'all,
I know that this is not a normal time for me.
We're gonna do a pop up today. Huh, We're gonna

(00:51):
do a pop up. We are shooting from the cuff,
so I don't have nothing scripted or nothing. Okay, So hey,
get with it because it's about to get hot. It's
about to get hot. It's about to get hot. So
let me just for those who of you who do
not know who I am. I am Tori Overne aka

(01:12):
Coach T. And this is the show where we try
to give you a holistic view of all of the
different points, the things that are going on. Fresh look
at everything that's going on in the world and within
ourselves to make sure that we are showing up our
very best selves as we continue our journey to becoming

(01:32):
the very best version of ourselves. Right here on Intellectual
Radio dot com. I am a motivational speaker, inspirational speaker,
wedding officient life coach, women's empowerment coach, and a author
of best selling author on Amazon for the book that

(01:54):
is called Networkology. So hey, check me out on Facebook
at I am the Coach T. All right. So again
you are tuning in to Empire Moments with Coach T.
And this is the last segment of Sisters Speak for
the year, and we are unpacking a nice, really really

(02:18):
good title. It is called Preparing or Protecting your Peace,
and we're gonna be exploring how we protect our peace
as we look at the journey to becoming unbothered. And
I gotta tell y'all, honey, all right, there is nobody

(02:39):
else in this plantets you hear me on the planets
that is more unbothered then Sister B that I know
other than myself. She is the most unbothered person that
I know. Okay, so let's let's let's get on into it.
Say hi to the people, well hello everybody. So Sister
B is also add I know, happy Friday. So Sinceva

(03:01):
is also a fellow intellectual radio dot com show hosts,
she has a show It's called fireside chat. It usually
is on Sundays at four pm. She might be on
hiatus right now, but it will be back, so stay tuned.
It will resume soon. Okay, so stay tuned, keep up.
Let's get into this topic. Like I said, y'all were

(03:23):
going were going on a cuff. Y'all can see. I
don't have no no laptop, no nothing. I ain't wrote,
no questions, no nothing. So this is one hundred percent
the flow between me sister v as we get into
this topic. So what of Leah Heyleiah? So when I
talk about preparing and protecting my piece, one of the

(03:47):
things that I feel that has really helped me protect
my piece is being but learning to be unbothered about things.
There are certain things that say, ay, they don't have
nothing to do with me, and I'm just not going
to devote any time to it. I want to kick
this off with the most recent thing that has happened
in the most recent thing that has happened in the

(04:10):
news that's all planted all over everywhere. I got too
the plans I want to talk about. So the first
is this Charlie Kirk incident. Let's just I want to
I want to make sure that I go on record
as saying my condolences to the family. I cannot imagine
what it was like to witness the assassination of your

(04:37):
loved one. I can't imagine what that's like for you.
So my heart goes out to you all, and I'm
praying that God would give you guys the strength to
to to process and move forward and and just really
really grieve in a way that is healthy. So because

(04:57):
I know it just seemed hard. Yeah, But I think
one of the things that kind of concerned me in
terms of the Christians world versus the non Christian world,
is that us as Christians, we jumped into this with

(05:19):
our thought processes and I really didn't understand why that
was a battle that we felt we had to be fighting.
I understand that anyone's everyone's life is important, you know.
I'm not I'm not here just to say, oh, only
black lives matter. All lives matter, okay, and it is.
It's it's a shame and a disgrace to the human

(05:42):
race and the world that we live in for someone
to lose their wife and their life in such a
violent way, right, So I definitely want, you know, but
I couldn't under steal. There's a part of me that
honestly doesn't understand why Christians jumped into this and had
to have something to say, had to have an opinion.

(06:04):
And I'm really really wondering why they were so bothered.
That's been my question from day one. Why were they
so bothered? Chime in, well, if I could just say
that since you mentioned specifically Christians, of course there was
other people, but since you mentioned Christians, I will say
that this is not the first time. That first it

(06:26):
was the elections, but God is continuing to show us
where we really are, and it so happened to be
controversial things, but He's been trying to show us that
we're not where we portray that we are, because every
time we're tested. Scripture tell us to love one another.
That's his first commandment, to love one another, and that

(06:48):
the world would know us by their love. And we
continue to show the world that we don't love each other,
that we don't have it because we're so divided, I
mean we I'm glad you brought that up because even
election and I was really irritated by this. We're going
through this whole election thing and now families are divided
Christians are divided because all over who votes for who

(07:11):
people were I mean, not only were they being unfriend
off Facebook, blocked off phones, they were also being uninvited
to Thanksgiving and Christmas. Whole family is like like and
I couldn't understand that again because you act like one
of them was gonna come sit at your dinner table.
Trump is not coming to dinner, and neither was kind

(07:33):
of good Kamala, if you just want to make that clear,
Kamala wasn't. Kamala Harris wasn't coming to coming to Thanksgiving
dinner had she been elected either, just so we make
that clear. Okay, again, we're bothered, but I feel like
we're bothered about the wrong things we are because you're

(07:54):
bothered about an election, you're bothered about the death of Kirk,
of Charlie of Charlie Kirk, but you're not bothered about
things that really really should be our fight. And I
know I'm gonna get unfriended, unliked in all this, but
we weren't. We're not fighting the lgbt Q initiatives at all, No,
we were. We're silent when as a matter of fact,

(08:16):
we almost you know, telling them it's okay, yeah, but
that's not the Bible. That's not the book. But that's
a whole nother story. Because I mean, I know we're
gonna upsets some people, and I'm okay with that because
you know, I say what I mean, and I mean
what I say. I'm sorry. This is why our righteousness
is of a filthy rag. This is why because we

(08:37):
like to pick and choose our righteousness. This is why
we have His righteousness none of our own, because our
righteousness is dirty and it's unjust, and we stand ten
toes down on our righteousness over God's righteousness. So if
I can see our righteousness in this group of people
who favored this guy that got assassinated, Kirk, but I

(09:01):
can't see how it looks to God for me to
handle my fellow sistant brother a certain way, right, So
I'm wrong, but see, but that's what I'm But But here,
here we go, And I know y'all probably figuring out
trying to figure out what this got to do with
being unbothered. Let me tell you what it has to
do with being unbothered. Is this you have to learn

(09:23):
what fights the pick, and and and and and as
a Christian, as a Christian you have to learn to
fight the bite, fight the battles that actually coincide with
the Word of God. And so while we mourn the
death of the senseless, just hateful death of Charlie Clerk,

(09:48):
his death is not an issue that we as Christians
need to be fighting. It's just not. And so you
have to learn how to be unbothered about things that
ain't got nothing to do with you. That's why I
got peace, and that's the core reason. This is why
I'm unbothered, because hello, if it don't affect me in

(10:09):
no way, then I have to. It's a decision for
me to allow something to disrupt my peace in order
for me to be bothered. And that doesn't mean that
I don't sympathize or empathize. That doesn't mean that I
am not praying for this family. What it means is
is that after that, I'm not bothered because that's not

(10:31):
my stuff. I think we have to learn how to
give people their stuff, keep your stuff on over there
they are they are, and so I know, you know,
and the Bible talks about us being able to bury
each other's birdsen one to another. That's for me and
my sisters or me and my brothers to do correct,
but that's not for everything that goes on. And there's

(10:53):
only a certain extent that I'm doing it with my
brothers and sisters. Be clear, because what we're not gonna
do is bear your infirmity so to the point that
you bring me down, bearing your ownfirmitives, to the point
that you make me sick. You know what's crazy about that, Toria,
is that people don't they're not self aware enough to
know their capacity. And so you're trying to take on

(11:15):
three big buildings and you only built to handle one
tooth flat. Thank you, like you you got you trying
to carry three core buildings and you only built to
handle tooth flat. And I think that we know your
capacity is you got to know what you can handle
and how much you can take on with that goes
with family, Francis and all of that I mean. And
I'm never telling people not to be a support system.

(11:36):
What I am saying is you shouldn't be a support
system to the detriment of yourself, to the detriment of
your own mental health, to the detriment of your own
physical health, to the detriment of your own financial health.
That's right. The day that I decided, let me tell

(11:56):
y'all something, and this is we're talking about journey to
be an unbothered and how we keeping peace around here.
The day that I came to a thought process one
day and I sat down and I looked at where
I was and all the work that I had been doing,
and I realized that I wasn't anywhere further along than

(12:19):
I already was before. And I kept trying to understand,
why is it that I'm not any further along? Although
I feel like I am tired, I feel like I
am overworked, overwhel I need a break, I'm whoe out,
and I ain't made it nowhere? How is that possible? Right?
Then I said, hmm, So with all of this money

(12:44):
that I have given away trying to help somebody, to
help others get to places, all of this advice that
I've given away trying to help others get to where
they are and start. And then I started realizing that
all this money I'm investing, all this advice I'm investing,
they ain't no better than they were offered as was
offered before. So now all of that time and that

(13:07):
advice and money was wasted on them, waste it, waste it.
And I realized, I'm like you always talking about how
you don't have it to invest in this, and you
don't have it to invest in your own ideas. And
you know what, I looked at all these thousands of
dollars that you've wasted and invested in somebody else that

(13:28):
didn't do nothing with it. I was like, man, if
you put that into you, you'd be further along day. Huh.
Good analysis, because I think that somehow, some way, uh
not saying you, but some people are co dependent and
they think they're gonna earn something by overgiving. You overly

(13:53):
support her, you overly a fan, the cheer leader, and
then it gets to a point where people will have
an expertation for you to always show up like that
and give one hundred and fifty thousand percent, and when
you don't, now now you're the bad guy exactly. So
it's like it's some space you're allowed to go back

(14:13):
and reassess your life you should be anyway and say, hey,
I don't think I want to give that no more
like that. I think I'm gonna give you what you
give me. You know what I'm saying, I'm gonna start
batching energy around here. I'm gonna start basching y'all. We
coming in hot right here, and on Empire and Moms
with Coach t right here on International Radio dot Com.
We're coming in hot. What am Marcilla and Shemaya. Thank

(14:34):
you for joining the chat. Thank y'all for joining in
the chat. I appreciate y'all. Look, I ain't got nothing.
I don't know what's going on in the jat, so
y'all work it out. Okay, then come on, man, that
chat from me sis tov no. So let's just be
clear that I am not one of those people.

Speaker 2 (14:53):
That is.

Speaker 1 (14:56):
I'll say this. When I came to that assessment, decided this.
I said, you know what, I made a declaration. I
can't tell nobody yet, but I made a declaration. If
I was your cavalry us O L not straight out
of luck. You know I'm gonna keep it clean. I

(15:17):
keep it clean. You straight out of luck? Yeah? Yeah, amen,
straight out of luck? Okay, you a you straight out
of luck? If it's me you was, If I'm a
cavalry baby, I want I decide. I told everybody else.
I started telling people. I said, I don't want to
be the first person you called anymore. I wanted to

(15:37):
be the ninety ninth person that you I want to
be the one hundredth person that you call, which means
I want you to call ninety nine other people before
you get to me. So I'm gonna ask you a
question when you when you say you reassessed and you
decided you was gonna do things differently, do you think
that some people are bothered that somebody else bothered that

(16:01):
I decided to take back all of my everything that
I was investing in. There are definitely people that were
bothered by the fact that I was no longer bothered.
Yeah yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah. They was upset about
the fact that I wasn't bothered no more because because
I'm unbothered, it affects their ability to be able to
get what they want from me. Right, So you know,

(16:22):
now everybody's oh, you cold and uncaring and no mm hmm,
no I am. I I am taking away the crutch
that you've been leaning off, So go get it cold.
What was I before? I'm cold, unloving and I'm caring.
What was I before I took back my head or
my time or whatever? What was I before? Then, did
you think I was cold and this stuff? No, you

(16:45):
thought I was a sucker. It's probably what you thought.
You thought I was a sucker. Good Autori gonna always
do it? Oh, good Aultoria. Well you won't be saying
that again. Because I noticed that I had been I
realized that even in I mean I would say this
in every relationship, I wasn't enabler or an overgiver because

(17:10):
I thought I was helping. I thought I was showing compassion.
I thought that the more I gave, the more you
would appreciate me. I thought the more that I gave,
the more you would see value in me. And I

(17:30):
came to realize that no matter how much I gave,
it didn't change your viewpoint of me. So if you
didn't think I was valuable, then you don't think I'm
valuable now. If you didn't think that I was worth knowing,
then you didn't think You don't really don't think I'm
worth knowing now. It didn't change the perception of me.

(17:54):
All it did was left me empty, empty, naturally, emotionally,
spiritually empty, because I had poured out everything. One of
the things I used to always say, and I still say,
is that and I thank god that shout out to
NHMI New Harvest Ministries International, because before them, nobody poured

(18:19):
into me. I was always pouring into everybody else. But
who is pouring into me? Nobody? Right, and I started
to so I would have to just find ways to
fill myself back up, right? Yeah? And but how many
of you know that when you have to be the

(18:40):
one trying to fill yourself back up, the cup gets
empty faster. I don't know about that. I feel like
the cup get I feel like the cut il pouring
back into yourself. What does that look like? So pouring
back into myself became you know, really really getting into
self care, doing the things that really matter to me

(19:02):
first and foremost, Like I became me, I'm first instead
of making everybody else first, I'm not, you know, because
I used to be the last one on the list.
Now I'm the first one on the list and everybody
else have to wait. So how's that leaving you empty?
I'm confused. No, no, no, no no, I'm saying, if
I'm the one that has to do it, then I'm
saying to me, the cup gets empty faster because I

(19:25):
only have a certain capacity as opposed to when others
are pouring into you, you're not using your energy for that,
you're jets receiving. I'm exerting all of my energy to
pour into me, which means that as it gets low,
it gets lower faster because I'm the only one putting
in the energy. So if I don't keep continually putting

(19:48):
in the energy, then it doesn't replenish as quickly. I
get you see what I'm saying. I also believe that
from practicing those same things that I just couldn't allow
myself to not be able to do it right. You
know what I mean, Because me being a person working
with youth at risks and different things, and having children

(20:09):
that I'm pouring into and constantly giving, give and giving
what pouring back into myself looked like all things that
you just said. If I let too much time go
by and I see that I haven't made myself a
priority and I've been letting everything bother me, then I

(20:32):
have to go and reset and say, hold on, when
the last time you've been to the gym, When last
time you did this? Well, last time you did this
for you? And that is no limitation. It don't limit
to how many times I got to reset. There is
no limits how many times I got to reset, and
I'll keep doing it. And but and I feel like
in the beginning, it was like a thing where I

(20:55):
would like replenish and it would be like, oh my god,
I'm you know, now it's back long again. I'm like,
I get it back up, you know, And it was
like it's it seemed like a lot. Today it's a routine,
and I'm a baby because but then again, on top
of that, if I'm the only one pouring into me
and I'm only one exert that type of energy, then
I don't really have a lot of energy to give

(21:15):
other people. And I stopped trying to exhaust my energy
that I have trying to give to you. So it's
me first. And if I feel like I'm getting load,
I'm sorry, I ain't got nothing for you. I ain't
got in some peoples in spaces, people in spaces don't
deserve my energy. They don't deserve my poor yes see,
And you know how you know that? How do I

(21:36):
know that this is really reciprocal, because just like let's
just take us for example, right, right, we can both
we can both be in loading bar right, or you
can both be like in a slouch like girl, I'm
just But by the time we get through talking and
this now the next thing, you know, the everything that

(21:58):
apps everything change, didn't shift of the atmosphere right quick?
We have because it's genuine. Yes, And when things are
not genuine and we try to force it, I love
to say this, when it don't fit, don't force it.
That's a real song. I'm telling you it fits, you
don't have to force it. If it don't fit, don't

(22:19):
force it. Just relax and let it go. Just because
that's how you won't It doesn't mean it will be
so that's right. But when it fits, you don't have
to force it just fits. One of the things and
I tell you, as women, one of the things that
drain us most is relationships with men. I swear we
put so much. Oh God, I just want to say,

(22:42):
thank you, Lord, thank you, thank you. Because baby, when
you learn to be unbothered about these men around here,
Oh you talking about some piece that come with that.
And here's the the other piece is we're talking about
protecting peace. There's a piece that comes when you finally

(23:02):
know who you are, When you finally understand who you are,
the depth that you bring, the value that you bring.
You finally know what's on your table, huh, because you
know we love you know, we love to asking what
you bring into the table. Don't worry about my table
because my table is I'm me and my table is okay.
One of the things I love about what I'm learning

(23:24):
and has learned is that the journey with all of that,
with relationship problems and all that, the journey is for
you to discover that about yourself as a woman, because
God knows once you discover who you are your value,
the rest is his store. Real would you tell the truth?

(23:45):
Because let me tell you something I used to And
it was so funny because me and Layd had a
whole comp Why do you keep let me go through
all these super crazy coms, these crazy relationships with all
these crazy different people, Like why why do you keep
letting me do this?

Speaker 2 (23:59):
Right?

Speaker 1 (24:01):
And then he was like, uh, because I bet you no?
Now don't you? After Like after this last one, I
was like what was well? Like why? Because I was
like cross out of you? Hear me, I could understand
what just happened. I was like, this is a pluck,
this is a boss waking I don't understand why we

(24:21):
playing with my life like this, like for what? And
after it was all off, I'm like, girl, you didn't
feel miserable. I guess you got gonna have to go
on back to the drawing board on this one. Her baby,
And but he had to be you graduate, I said,
how I graduate because you got the lesson cause I
finally learned the lesson. So you've been going through this
because you won't learn a lesson. A part of being

(24:44):
bothered is to start learning lessons, because I'll tell you
you will stay bothered if you find yourself keep repeating
the same for the same lesson over and over and
over again, keep repeating the same grade. Once you learned
the that's gonna keep you bothering. Okay, once you learn
and be like, we hear, what's the last? Let me
get it? Ever learning, ever learning? But let's but let's

(25:07):
get it to the knowledge of the truth. And what's
gonna make you free? The truth? The truth? And when
I tell you it's so many it'll make you free.
You ain't free because you ain't found out the truth
about yourself. It's not and it's not the truth about
somebody else. It is the truth about you. The key
to being bothered is to thine own self. Be truth,
be true to yourself. Tell yourself the truth. You don't

(25:29):
tell nobody else the truth. Tell yourself the truth about you.
And sometimes sometimes God uses these other people and these
other situations to show you the unretch undone. You'm the
wretched undone part that you think you over I thought

(25:51):
I was, No, you're not. And you know what that's
that's still a thing. You know what I find, Toria,
I find that most people have not spent enough time
with themselves to know where they not. You at like,
and that's why we be deceived when we're amongst people

(26:12):
that's constantly given us this praise. You're this, you're annoyance
and you're a wonderful you're amazinger. There's a whole lot
of stuff that God wanted you to know that you're
not that you think you are. And you're so caught
up in yourself and you think that you know what
you don't know. And the minute you get tested, God like,
I want you to know the truth. Let me let
me reveal it to you, let me show let me
show you it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I want you
to know the truth about yourself, because that is where

(26:34):
you're freedom at. Once you know the truth about you, yes,
then you start to make the different decisions about how
you handle things and how you move Yes. So one
of the things that I learned this last go around
is I learned a lot about me and how I
think and what I think I need and the ways
that I allow people to influence me. Another key to

(27:01):
being unbothered is to be able to manage people's influence.
Because if I don't manage people's influence, then now I
become a target. So now people can trauma dump. People
can trauma bond because we act that, We act like

(27:26):
that's a good thing. Trauma bonding is not the good
it's not the good thing. I want you all to
know that, Oh will we all go through the same things.
And the girl get away from them people. You hear me,
get away. I hate to be the bearer of bad news,
but birds of a feather flock together, okay, And if
that ain't what you want for your life, get away

(27:46):
from them people. Because when you decide you really want
to grow, you get around the people that's growing. You
need to get around the people. Uh that's going where
you want to go because to surround yourself for people
that are in a place that you're trying to get
away from. You're not gonna get away from that place.

(28:06):
You're going to stay there you are, and you're gonna
be bothered because everything in you is going to be
wanting to move forward, break free, go higher, next level,
do something different. And you stuck over here, You're gonna
come down and it's gonna it's gonna but it's gonna

(28:26):
bug you. You're gonna be bothered that you're stuck here.
It's gonna bother you. You ain't gonna get no rest.
My soul is at an unrest, is at an unrest.
You understand. That's why I'm telling you. That's why some
that's why. That's why we bothered sometimes because the soul
is I'm my soul is is not at rest. And

(28:47):
you know when my soul is not at rest because
I'm doing something I't got no business doing. I'm doing
something that I'm no longer so I'm in a space
that I'm no longer supposed to be in. I refuse
to grow. But see where you are agitated like that,
you notice that the people around you, they not bothered
at all. You could be like you you so oh,

(29:08):
I want to go I want to retire, I want
to go further. But I know in order for me
to do these things a sacrifice coming somewhere. I gotta
get rid of ibably, gonna have to change company. Yes,
and right there, now here come you being bothered because
now it's like, well, man, what they're gonna say, and
now I'm conflicted. It don't matter, It don't matter. You

(29:29):
can't worry about what they're going to say. I think
that's the other piece of being unbothered. We bothered. We
have to learn how to release, release ourselves from what
we think others are going to think. That's another key
to being unbothered. Not caring what people think. To get
off what they think, get off, get off of what

(29:51):
they think. When I tell you this, I'm gonna tell
you I'll be tested all the time. I'll be tested
all the time. I could be going away for a
long time and then pop up and people looking at
me like you really don't think I'm supposed to be
okay without you, Like you really think that, Like you
you really sitting here looking at me like, oh my god,
where you being you look good. Oh you didn't think

(30:12):
I was supposed to look good? What? Oh, well, it's
been a long time, it has, yes, and I've been good,
Yes the whole time, the whole time. Please know that
I think we have to learn how to one of
the things that freed me. It was years ago, and
it's a little thing. I promise you it is. I

(30:34):
have a best friend she used to love Joe lost
thing because she was like, baby, that man can imagine
motivate you. After he get through with you, get through
motivating you, you'll believe you can jump off a building
and it won't die. Okay, maybe he'd have missed the
Rodgers of the Goths. Come on, Okay, Okay, he can
make it. I can. I can. I can ay. I'm
a superman, I can. I can fly for mountain, I
can move mountains. I can. I can leave buildings in

(30:55):
a single bound. You feel like you can do it? Right?
I think he can get to talking to you. Yeah,
so he was here and we went to go and
see him live. You know the motivation. I'm like, yeah,
let's get this motivation in my life. I need that right.
One of the things that he said on that stage
that I will never forget, and I cared with me
right now, he said, No matter, I am loved. In

(31:17):
my mind, I am loved. Everywhere I go people love me. Okay,
everywhere I go people love me. Yeah, and he said,
and if they didn't, I would never know, because as
far as I'm concerned, they love me. Now, does that

(31:38):
mean that people don't there's nobody in the world that
don't like you. That you ain't came across somebody that
don't like you no time of course you have. What
that means is I don't care. I don't even care
to know. I don't even care to know that you
don't like me, cause it's not even it's not important

(31:58):
to me if you do or don't. So what he
said was hah. As far as I'm concerned, everybody loved
me wherever I go. And all that really really means
is I'm not concerned about it if you don't. I'm
only concerned in my mind. As far as I am concerned,
everybody loves me. And for the people who don't, I

(32:19):
don't have time to think about the fact of whether
or not you do. And I don't care if you
do or don't. That's love.

Speaker 2 (32:25):
Or like.

Speaker 1 (32:27):
And I'm going to be okay if you don't. If
I should so happen, and I ain't trying to find
out if you do like me or not, because I'm
not gonna never do you like me. I'm never gonna
ask you because I don't care, so so that's not
a question. I'm never gonna ask. And if you should
so happen to feel like you want to let me
know that you don't like me. Do you know how
many people God bless you? Do you know how many

(32:49):
people thanks for sharing? Do you know how many people
in this world that literally is so afraid of people
I loving them no more? People not liking them no more?
And you know why they're afraid because they sit back
and watch it done to everybody else. So then in
their head, if i feel like I'm reaching for something

(33:11):
or I'm doing I wanted to pivot now, I'm thinking
about they're not gonna love me no more. And that's
huge for some people. Some people just literally can't imagine
certain people not loving and caring about them, and they
don't want to believe that this was not real because
if it was real, it wouldn't change. So if I
told you if you got up tomorrow and move where

(33:32):
you told me your mom live, where do you say
live it? See? And I can say oh girl Toory,
I miss you, And then you got up and move.
Distance would make things different. We probably we can't do
do pop up shows anymore, right, but it should not
be a difference just because you decided to make a change.

(33:55):
So then you got people us though we still hey,
we still is who we is, babe, and hey, and
when I come back, I'm looking you up exactly. Let's
get together, right, It should not be well. People have
to earn our love. People are bothered by I feel
like our relationship is a threat. If I decide to

(34:15):
do something different than what you expect me to do.
It's called bondage. That's called control. It is bundage. That's
called manipul manipulation. So here's the other key to being
unbothered is that you cannot allow yourself to be manipulated
or controlled by what by other people's expectations of who

(34:36):
you are supposed to be and what that means you're
supposed to do. I don't live by your expectation of me.
As a matter of fact. See this is why see
this is why I tell people all the time, I
don't live by your expectations. I mean, Torria does what
God the Father says. Other than that, I don't know
if I'm doing what you're talking about. And so even

(34:58):
with church and I love n HM, I shout out
to n H and I and come on, I love
n H and man, y'all know I love Anybody who
knows me knows I love NHM. I I love my pastors, pastors, shine,
the burns, apostle, older spurns. I love them, yes, but
I will say no in a minute. If it's about

(35:21):
my time, if it's about my peace, I'm not gonna
be disturbed.

Speaker 2 (35:24):
Though.

Speaker 1 (35:24):
What do you do is for onlookers to tell you
you're rebellious to your leaders and you should do whatever
they say. What do you say to those people? You
know what I say to those people, I say to
those people. If you I say to those people that
your charge is different than mine. This is an individual walk,

(35:46):
This is an individual dedication, This is an individual journey.
And if you feel that you have to do everything
that everyone else tells, that leaders tell you to do,
then go ahead on and do that. I am not
here to argue with you about it. I don't even
I ain't even really here to tell you that you
shouldn't do it. You should do whatever the Lord leads. Huh.

(36:11):
If you feel lad to do everything they say, then
go ahead on and be lad to do everything that
they say. Toria, though, is gonna pray about what it
said to her? Yeah, because that's what I'm supposed to do.
I'm supposed to pray it through, right, And I'm not
just going to say yes because you said so. But
but then again, here's the beautiful part. We don't I

(36:32):
don't serve leaders that think got sh you to do
what they say. And I was gonna say, that's not
the makeup, that's not how they They not made up
like that. They're going to advise you. Don't just take
my word for it. Pray, pray about it, pray it
all through. That's whatever you got to do. You know
what else is it's it could become bothersome do you

(36:52):
remember when we talked about don't you know some people
just don't know how to be an individual? And this
the here's the next key to being unbothered. You gonna
have to learn how to be an individual. And you
get mad. Individual thinker, individual responder, individual initiator, individual manager

(37:13):
of your life, you manage Come on, individual, you got
to be you got to be an individual. You gotta
be into individuals. Talk about this because I think this Wait,
let me mention this. So, like you remember we were
talking and we were saying, how how refreshing it could
be when you find out that a person is actually
a person. Come on, and that I can sit here

(37:36):
and hold a conversation with you, with anybody and not
talk about the scripture, not doubt about do you see
the do you It's called balanced? Yeah. So what I'm
saying is, isn't it something when sometimes people can be
bothered by I know what that is, and you don't

(38:00):
your bonds about my freedom? It's bothering you free? Yeah,
like exactly what is wrong with you? Are you crazy? Liberty?
And that's freedom. But here's the thing out here that's
one of the things that that that really kind of
solidify our relationship is that in talking to you, I

(38:24):
was like, oh my god, somebody knows what it is
to be an individual. This is so awesome because I've
always been I mean, I've been an individual for a
very long time. Like people be like boy and Chorge
do what she want to do? Yes, because and it's
hard to especially in Christian them it's hard to come
across someone that is able to be super authentically themselves,

(38:46):
unapologetically themselves because they we can kind of sing, can
feel like we're all supposed to be these walking robots. Well,
I was just trying to tell you that being a
part of God's kingdom is not like being a part
of the board. Yeah, it's not like being a part
of the org. I have my own it's not a caul.
I have my own mind. I have my own thoughts.

(39:06):
Even the Lord honors my own mind and my own thoughts.
He does not. He's a gentleman. He'll make me do nothing.
It's my choice. I served him out of my own choice,
not because I feel like I'm trying to earn him.
I don't have to earn him. That's though. Those days
is over. That's that's all testament. We don't have to
earn him. It ain't based on works. It's based on
my heart prostra today. But you know, I didn't used

(39:27):
to be like that. But that's because that's not what
they taught us. And that literally all added, I had
more uh people around me when I was like that.
Of course, it wasn't until I put that off. It
was like, this is me, and if you meant to
stay and if you're not, you out of here. There

(39:49):
is a remnant of people that will all once here's
what I'll say, once you really really embraced being your unapologetic,
authentic self, there's gonna be a remnant of people that
are not going to appreciate the true and real you
because now you're not being conformed to their perception of

(40:14):
who you should be. Because see, people have an expectation
and a perception of who you're supposed to be. Should
I say yes, everybody scattered wants you let go of
the people pleasing, come on and that thank you shamayah, Yes,
because it is the people pleasing that you are kind

(40:35):
of fall into when you're not being yourself. You do.
You fall into it, even though that's not maybe not be,
may not be what you were trying to do, but
you fall into that whenever it is you're not being
true to who you are. Then now this this is
what I talk about their influence. You see what I'm saying.
Now you got the influence that influences you to do

(40:59):
what they what makes what they expect. But if you
were really, really authentically and unapologetically you, they wouldn't be
able to do it. And you'd be like, Noah, that's
all right, I don't think I'm gonna do that. I'm good.
Thanks to see when you people get upset because now
they can't control you, that they can't predict you. Let
me tell you, I have never when I tell you,
I don't even think sometimes that we're aware of the subtle,

(41:24):
very subtle mynd control that can be that people are under.
And you can tell because they walk very careful. They're
so afraid that if I just wiggle a little bit,
you know what I mean, I'm gonna people gonna start
acting weird. That's one of the things I had to
adjust to as I came out of people pleased to Shamayah,

(41:44):
and as I came and when I came into my
own true identity and I accepted who I am in
the role in the in the role that God chose
from me, and I embraced the loneliness that came along
with it. But with the loneliness came peace and contentments
would you speak. Come on, see, here's the other key
to being unbothered. You have to really be okay, be

(42:07):
it resolved, resolved. Huh. I love that word being resolved, Honey.
That sometimes you're gonna walk along sometimes loneliness, being by yourself,
being an individual is being really really an individual for real.
It's gonna mean that sometimes you're going to have to

(42:28):
do it all along. You're gonna have to be by yourself,
which means you're gonna have to get to love yourself.
Let me tell you something. I am very good, wonderful
company to myself. I can be at home by myself
and have a wonderful ball. Okay, I am single. I
don't have no attachments nowhere. Okay, all strings have been cut.

(42:50):
You can touch me if you wanted to hand to
me or some big old seas is it not you baby?
Click click click clip click clip clip, and no strings
left open? I ain't even though doors open, Okay, you can't.
Who what what? But the peace of mind that comes
with that is priceless. And it makes me very very

(43:11):
protective of that peace of mind that I have, because
now that I haven't, I don't want nothing to disturb it,
which makes me very very careful about who I start
letting into my space, which means the person that thinks
they finna date me, they gonna have to understand that

(43:32):
my piece is not up for grabs. You just brought something.
It ain't up for graps. You just brought something back
to me. When I was talking about identity and people
wearing a mask and stuff like that for those women
that are waiting for God. Do you remember what the
guy said when we was at the Dear Future Wifey focast?
Do you remember what he said? You're showing up everybody

(43:55):
but who you got? How is he gonna locate? I
did to fight you when you don't even know you.
You are afraid of yourself, and you are and because
you are afraid of who you really are, you are
a fraud, right, That's what he was really saying. I mean,
let's just looking for put on for people or when

(44:16):
he gonna see how how he gonna know if you
the one? If you not giving him the real you,
how gonna know? Because we understand that men choose and
they have to be able to see who they need
to see in you in order to choose you. So
if you not being your real self. How he gonna
see you. There's gonna be a disconnect. That's why he
ain't choosing some of you us or you're walking in

(44:38):
who you think people expect for you to be? Are
you really you? Because every time this happens, I know,
I know a rand a woman. I was like, oh girl,
I miss you. How you do it? And I said, oh,
I just wanted to compliment you on this and that
and this and that, and she switched over so fast.
I was like, ooh girl, let me tell you what
the Lord doing. People like that, people like thank you,

(45:00):
I'm saying, so you mean to tell me? Okay, because
I would think he was nuts if I was a man.
Now let me tell you, because sometimes you have to
like got away and come back, like let me try
to see things from another perspective. So if I was
a man and I said, hello, sister, how are you you?
You know you really look nice and that looks nice
on you. I like your the Lord is good. Oh

(45:22):
well no, not that. If any man want to talk
to me, he got to go meet my past and
not a man ain't doing but just say hello, let
me newsflash, let me let can I drop this? Can
I tell y'all and that, and I be trying because
I'm always around good, good men, like men that's holding on.

(45:43):
One man told me flat out, he was like, I'm
not coming to answer to nobody. I'm my own man.
See them type of man. Oh no, because now that's
toxic masculinity, right. He don't mean it like that. But
I think some of the mistakes that we make is
that we subtly present this measuring stick to a man

(46:04):
and make them feel like they got to measure to
your leader when he got a wife. Babe, you need
to let it rest. Here's the thing, let it rest,
here's the thing what you I believe and this is
just my thought process. I think that you want the
man that decides he wants to choose you to watch
your body of work and your commitment and your dedication

(46:28):
to the work of the menace. Is that what he
looking for. I'm just because let me finish. Let me
let me finish, because I wasn't talking about that part.
But I think that when you can see that a
woman has a body of work as opposed to she a'gent,
I don't. When you see that she has a dedication, right,

(46:49):
then I think that you. I think that a man
can say, you know what, I can appreciate the work
that she puts in and the diligence that she has
in serving period across the board in a row, not
about necessarily how much work she doing, meaning is she
the cream of the crime? I mean, is she like
the popular one and doing all these different things. I'm saying,

(47:10):
a man of God ought to be able to a
man of God, how to be able to appreciate me
being a woman of God that is not just busy
for no reason, but actually active and serving in her church. Now,
if you can't appreciate the fact that that's what I do,
you're not gonna be for me because what I'm not.
I just ain't gonna have you run around here acting

(47:31):
like what I do is nothing that we can care about,
because I care about it, just like you don't want
me to act like what you do. Is why I
disagree with the rhetoric on the internet saying it's the
church keeping women is single. No women themselves. Their mindset
is keeping them single, and they mindset is thinking them
single because they're going off what they think they know

(47:53):
versus what they know, and you don't know because you
don't talk to men of different It ain't a lot
of them right now, looking in today's world. Not they
kind of going past those women and out there getting
So if that y'all find to me, I find weird.
It's weird to say weird, But that stay right because
God told him make a fan of wife that he
didn't tell well, I mean, well, that look like to

(48:15):
them to be unequally the same thing for it as
it is for a woman as it is for man.
So we can say that, but they choose a marriage
and at the end of the day, at the end
of the day, well I'm not I'm not gonna I'm
what I'm not gonna do is go out here and
be one of them just used to be. That's what
we're not gonna they want to say, one of them.
I think that is what we were just talking about

(48:36):
a few minutes ago. I think that a woman showing
up as her authentic self and not what she thinks
he's attracted to, because he already know what he's attracted absolutely,
and I think that that just leaving that flexibility for
him to say, hey, I do like this, but how
it's presented, does it look like servant hood to him?

(48:59):
Or do it look like that to you? Do it
look like this is what you're used to doing, and
do it when I get ready to disrupt what you
do and say, hey, that was that. This is my team.
I need you on my team. Now. Is it gonna
be in a competition between not everybody, because I don't
strike you personally to be that competition, but beholding on

(49:19):
like I'm scared of being what I know myself. But
you're here's the thing. You can interrupt the patterns that
you know. However, you know I'm with you. But what
we're not gonna do is say what we're not gonna
do is interrupt the patterns where it feels like I'm
being restricted. That's that's the patterns we're not gonna be.

(49:40):
We We're not doing that like I'm not gonna feel restricted.
So in terms of okay, prime example, if you watched
the movie about the the the Clock Sisters and her
his what his her and her mother and father were
at odds because he wanted her to just be his wife,
the good wife and sit down and do nothing. And

(50:01):
you know what she told him, Well, God called me
and God called me too. And when you get finished,
and I'm gonna need you to know that he did,
and I need you to respect the call, because he
ain't gave me a call. He didn't give me a
call to now be submitted under you and not use
the call. He gave me the call. And if he could,

(50:23):
and if he and if he paired me with you
for real, then I don't have to argue with you
about the call. I don't. He wouldn't pair me with
somebody that made me have to argue with him about
me being called. Do you see this is what I'm
talking about? Do you see that a man, when I

(50:45):
don't believe, when he's looking for a wife, he's trying
to find out how call she is. Of course find
out how you has a choice to say, because surely
we ignore all the red flags and then once we
get across the brook, we want to change it on.
I agree. So in the dating process and according process,
as you're addressing these things, absolutely, I'm gonna let you

(51:07):
know and we bring it up later. And that's and
that's not cool, that's the seeful, because that's the when
we be doing. We be out here pretending trying to
get across that room and I'm telling you that's a
no no, no, no no no. I' would bring the
call up early so you already know what's going on.
Everybody to make a fair decision. And I'm and and
and let's be clear, I'm not finna make the call
be the prominent thing that we're gonna talk about, because

(51:29):
I'm gonna be a whole woman and there are other things.
There's way more to me than the call. And I
don't mind letting you know what the other part is.
But what we're not gonna do is restrict me from
the call, like we not gonna have this conversation that says, oh, well,
you know, uh, you can't go take a you can't
go preach because I'm doing whatever, because I'm over here

(51:53):
doing this. Uh you preach every Sunday. See how this
quickly turned to church. I see exactly what they be
talking about now. And I ain't saying this about you,
but I understand, I understand you know what I do
understand and I and I'm telling you I do understand
their perspective. I'm saying to you, I'm going to be
a whole person so we can have a conversations about

(52:13):
twenty nine million other things all the time, and any
given time, I'm good for that. But if we're gonna
talk about me and what I'm called to, if you're
gonna ask me and we're gonna have you gonna conversations,
that's what I'm saying. If you gonna, if you're gonna
broch this conversation with me, don't expect me to cower
down and say, oh, I'm, I'm, I'm I'm. I'm not
gonna shrink because you like me, right, you see what

(52:35):
I'm saying, And that's all I'm saying. I'm not about
to shrink because you like me. But I can definitely
be more to you than just the woman that's called
because I know how to do just that. He's probably
gonna be looking for that part because and he's gonna
be looking for it, and I'm guaranteeing you and I understand.
I get it. I get that that's not gonna be
important to him. I get that's not gonna be a
point one it is. I get that that's not gonna

(52:57):
be one of his deal breakers. I get that, and
I'm okay with that because he looked. I mean, we
move by different things, So I get that that's not
gonna be this thing that of great interest. But if
you're going to say, if you're going to move forward
with me, we cannot discount that these things exist. And
I'm not going to shrink to make you like me more.

(53:21):
I don't even I think that if it's God, that's
what I'm trying to start saying. I think that if
it's God, it don't mean perfection, because I think that's
another delusion. I don't know how we got into relationships stuff,
but it's another delusion to believe that it's as Men
is wonderfully safe and drenched in the Holy Spirit, he
gonna be a good husband to me and we just

(53:42):
gonna get along. Because that's now, that's a lie from
the pit of hell, because his personality may not be
drenched in any Holy girl. So I don't know to
tell you. I mean, I'm just saying he could be drenched.
That don't mean his personality been drenched and changed. Now,
I mean, hey, it's a proceisence. So come on, they're
gonna have nothing to do with the work calling. Come on,
because the colon naked, he can be called, and he

(54:02):
could be drenched in the call if he wants to it.
That don't mean he did that. Don't mean he drenched
in the work. Now, No, ma'am, yo, your yo, your
maskset got to be drenched. Okay, I want you I
want your mindset drenched. I want I want your thought
processes to be drenched. I want your what you say
out your mouth to match what you do. I want
that to be drenched. So there's more to it than

(54:23):
just saying, oh, I'm a man, a guy, I'm saved.
I'm say the fat don't field the halls goes great
for you. Hallelu Next. So I think that we have
to look at I'm saying, I think we have to
look at relationships holistically. Here's another key to being unbothered.
Even when you are approaching relationships, you need to be
very very clear about who you are, why you are,

(54:44):
what you are and for and for what. Once you
have all those duck those the ducks you really need
to have in a row, and so do he, and
then y'all can come together and have a genuine, authentic,
clear mind did honest conversation about what the messhing of

(55:06):
those two things are going to look like, and y'all
either can come into an agreement that it can be
meshed or you come into agreement that it cannot and
that is okay, and be unbothered with it. Don't if
exactly be unbothered. If he decided it wants okay, and
that's fine, and then I want you to and and
and and be okay with that. Because when you say

(55:29):
want to be unfulfilled right in something, and I don't,
here's the thing. I don't want to be unfulfilled. But
I also don't want them to be unfulfilled with me.
That's an issue that that that's a thing that you
said that because sometimes we think me is supposed to
do because we don't care because again, because we are
because because they's this, there's this remnant of women that
think men that men's feelings don't matter, right, And I'm

(55:51):
not with that remnant. I I feel like one of
the things that I said to the person that I
was no longer dealing with is that I said, no
matter how much I feel like you may have done
what you have done may have done, I don't want
you to be miserable either. Go find you somebody that
want to do what you want to do. I'm not

(56:13):
her and it's okay for it not to be me.
Go find you someone who is perfectly comfortable being who
you need them to be. Go find you that person
that time and what I want to say. But here's
the thing, stop laughing about who you want that person
to be. Tell the truth and say this is what
I want, and and stop dating people that you know
don't want the same things. That's another thing I've been saying.

(56:34):
This another key to being unbothered. Do not allow people
to waste your time that that ain't really really on
the same thing that you are on. Don't allow it.
If you ascertained that they're not on your same level,
they ain't doing what you doing, y'all, not on the
same page. Kick them to the curve before they can blink.

(56:55):
Kick them to the carve. That's how you say I'm bothered.
Because if you connect yourself to someone that really really
ain't on the same things as you are, now you're
gonna start to be bothered because now you got this
pushing pull happening that you don't need. You signed up
for it, though, and I'm saying this pushing pull. Let
go of the rope. Let's go of the rope. That's good.

(57:19):
If you find yourself in a pushing pull you back
and forth, it's a tuckle war, tug pull, push to
let go, Just let go. I promise you, if you
let go, the other person will fall down and then
you will be done. See I'm bothered, And hey maybe
maybe maybe if you let go, you'll fall down. But

(57:40):
I bet you can get back up without without being bothered,
without being get you a get up. I'm bothered. It's
what I'm trying to tell you, because that's a string you,
that's a war you ain't in no more. We're done.
It's over when you're at peace with knowing who you
are as a woman and what you bring. Like you
were saying in the beginning, all these things you discovered
about yourself, it allowed you to be unbothered about your

(58:04):
your unmarried life. You know, I am so unbothered singleness. Yeah, yeah,
because you're content with who you have discovered about what
you discovered about yourself. And let's be clear, I'm not
saying that I don't still have the desire to be married.
I'm not saying that, and I'm really I'm really I mean,
I'm really still not at this point where I'm not
at the point where we say I don't care if

(58:25):
I'll never get married that I I ain't saying that either. Okay,
I'm just may it never find me. But okay, no,
I'm I'm if I still have the desire. Right then
I can't really get to the point where I'm like, well,
I don't care if it happens or not.

Speaker 2 (58:41):
I do.

Speaker 1 (58:42):
I still do care if it happens or not. Yeah,
because I have the desire for it to happen. However,
I don't let my desire for out for and and
and for it to happen dictate to me how I'm
gonna act and who I'm gonna date, though, how I
live out my life, that's not a decide. In fact,

(59:02):
I do what I want to do, when I want
to do how I want to do it, and I'm
not over here time I said, oh, well, I can't
do this because I ain't got no husband. Baby, ain't
nothing I can't do because I ain't got a husband. Well,
it's only one thing I can't do. Why do you
think women feels like because you know how you can
just come we got time and somebody say and somebody say, okay,
somebody made you walk up somewhere and you all be dazzled.

(59:25):
They said, ooh, look at you girl. Who is it?
You must got somebody, No, it's being sent is what
are you saying? What are you really saying? Are you
saying that people always act like beam and shine? Unless
I got a man man? Y'all gone somewhere. Okay, again,
here we go about being unbothered because I'd be like child, please,

(59:46):
but I want to you know what, It has been
an awesome time talking about this. I wanted to just
pop in again. This was straight from the cuff, y'all.
So forgive us if we was all over the place,
but we had just had to get to it how
we felt like it was gonna happen. Sis be, tell
them what you got going on? What you got going on,
anything you got going on. I got a lot of
stuff going on that I'm not at liberty to share

(01:00:07):
at this moment, but I will keep you guys posted
and especially coming back to the show Fireside Chat that
airs right here on intellectu Radio dot com on Sundays
at four pm. I have been working on some a
lot of projects, me and my boarding directors from my
Noring for profit and I've been extremely busy. But when
I retire, y'all, I'm coming with the fire. Just to

(01:00:27):
get ready, all right, So look out for the fire.
Look out for the fire on the fireside chat on
Sundays at four pm. Stay two of the when it's
supposed to return. Hear me again, This is Toria. Uhh,
this is Toria Renee aka I be Coach. I am
be Coach T and this has been empowering moments with
Coach T right here on Intellect your radio dot Com.

(01:00:49):
Join us again next month for another episode. I Am
be Coach T and remember to always just be usb Tony.

Speaker 2 (01:01:00):
Be empowered, gazed into the excelle.

Speaker 1 (01:01:06):
Just be inspired. See