Why You Can't Break Your Money Patterns (The Psychology of Secondary Gains)

In this episode, I explore why we get stuck repeating the same frustrating money patterns despite reading books, listening to podcasts, and working on our mindset. Rather than blaming ourselves for being broken or lazy, I reveal the hidden psychology behind these behaviours - the secondary gains that keep us "stuck" because they're actually protecting us in some way.

Episode Highlights:

Understanding Secondary Gains - The Hidden Benefits

• How every financial behaviour, even destructive ones, serves a positive purpose
• Why our unconscious mind creates patterns to keep us safe based on old information
• The concept of secondary gains as "wrapping" around our biggest fears about money
• How protection mechanisms that once served us may no longer be appropriate at 43
• The difference between conscious desires and unconscious protective patterns

My Personal Examples: Undercharging and Protection

• How I stayed in undercharging patterns to avoid rejection and confrontation
• The realisation that "you're too expensive" is about the other person's values, not my worth
• My Thermomix story - how I value different things differently (£800 kitchen gadget vs. high-ticket mentoring)
• The first-class flight dilemma and the guilt around spending £1,500 on comfort

The Four Most Common Secondary Gains Around Money

1. Undercharging Pattern:

• Primary fear: rejection, confrontation, and loss of "nice person" identity
• Benefits: more people say yes, avoiding uncomfortable negotiations, staying accessible
• How it prevents claiming full power and owning your brilliance
• Applies to both business owners and employees negotiating pay rises

2. Chronic Saving Pattern:

• Primary fear: uncertainty and lack of control
• Benefits: feeling protected, being the "responsible one," avoiding buyer's remorse
• How it maintains identity as the sensible person while others are "frivolous"
• The trap of "never enough" despite growing bank balances

3. Money Avoidance Pattern:

• Primary fear: adult responsibility and making wrong decisions
• Benefits: maintaining childlike innocence, having others take responsibility
• How chaos becomes an excuse to avoid goal-setting and risk-taking
• Case study from my recent live coaching demonstration about staying in childlike patterns

4. Overspending/Impulse Pattern:

• Primary fear: making big decisions and planning ahead
• Benefits: instant emotional regulation, dopamine hits, maintaining victim identity
• How it helps avoid future planning (especially challenging for neurodivergent brains)
• My personal pattern of spending everythi