What's Fueling Your Ambition, Truth or Trauma? with Monique Shields

In this deeply honest episode, I sit down with executive coach and leadership expert Monique Shields to unpack how motherhood, grief, and slowing down can radically transform your ambition. We talk about redefining success, embracing your evolving self-concept, and why resourcing yourself is a radical act of self-trust.

Why You Should Listen:

1. Redefine Ambition for Sustainable Success: Learn how major life events like motherhood and grief can reveal a deeper, truer source of ambition and why this matters for scaling your business with authenticity.
2. How to Resource Yourself for Growth: Discover why resourcing yourself emotionally, relationally, and operationally is essential for sustainable leadership and streamlined business growth.
3. Break Free from Achievement Addiction: Understand how high-achieving women can shift from external validation to internal fulfillment while boosting client lifetime value and simplifying operations.
4. Create Safe Spaces for Evolution: Hear how slowing down and adjusting your pace isn’t just a luxury, it’s a strategy for building a more aligned, resilient life and business.

If you're questioning everything and craving a business that fits the new you, this episode is your permission slip, listen in.

Connect with Monique Shields: 

• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/moniquershields/
• Podcast: Ambition Without Compromise - https://www.instagram.com/ambitionwithoutcompromise/
• Website: https://moniquershields.com/

✨ Be the first to know about private 1:1 coaching spot availability - join the waitlist: https://jereshiahawk.com/waitlist

Craving raw, real, and relatable insights from a multi-7 figure business advisor and coach who's been in your shoes and is still walking the path? In my email newsletter, I share practical lessons on building a sustainable, profitable business — without sacrificing what matters most. Ready to join the journey... Subscribe here: https://jereshiahawk.com/insider

Stay connected with me in real-time over on Instagram! I share daily insights, behind-the-scenes moments, and a peek into my slow morning rituals: www.instagram.com/jereshiahawk

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
It is been a minute since I'vehad a guest on this podcast, and

(00:03):
the woman I'll be introducingyou to today is one of my
favorite humans.
We have known each other forfive years now, but Monique
Shields, she's an executivecoach, founder of Seven Pines
Leadership.
She's also a podcast host of oneof my favorite podcasts.
To listen to ambition withoutcompromise, which is committed
to liberating the professionalimaginations of women, CEOs,

(00:26):
founders, and leaders.
As a coach, Monique leveragesher own entrepreneurial and
executive experience, plusnearly a decade of combined
training and proactive mindsetcoaching, motivational
interviewing, interpersonaldynamics, team building and
communications to help herclients find higher forms of
leadership and intention intheir lives and in their
business.

(00:46):
And I need you to understandsomething about Monique.
'cause she got receipts onReceipts, honey.
Okay.
She was formally on staff atStanford Graduate School of
Business as a facilitator fortheir Women in Management
program.
If you were in that program, youmight already know her as well
as the uc, Berkeley's HouseSchool of Business, a leadership
coach for current MBAs andalumni executives.
So prior to launching herexisting executive coaching

(01:08):
company, seven Pines, she wasthe director of coaching and
then the director ofpartnerships at joyable, a
mental health technology startupin San Francisco, employee
number seven.
And in her management roles, shereally built lead and scale a
client facing team for abusiness that served nearly a
half million users and managerelationships for the company's
largest, most strategic globalaccounts.

(01:30):
Personally, Monique is a wife, amom of two, and a fierce friend
to amazing women.
And I give you that contextbecause one, she deserves her
accolades, but two, she reallyunderstands the contextual
nuance that many high achievingexecutive senior leaders,
business owners, are facing at avery nuanced level.
This conversation with Moniqueis a must listen.

(01:52):
If you've ever felt the tensionbetween who you've been and who
you are becoming, we unpack howmotherhood, grief, and slowing
down can actually deepen, notdilute your ambition and why
resourcing yourself is not aluxury.
It's a radical act ofself-trust.
If you're at an inflection pointwhere your self-concept of

(02:12):
shifting this episode offers thekind of grounded wisdom and real
talk you didn't know you needed,it's not about doing more, but
it's about becoming more of whoyou truly are.
And I cannot wait to just diveinto the juiciness of this
episode, so I'm not gonna makeyou wait any longer.
Let's get into it.
I'm so excited to be having thisconversation publicly with you.

(02:34):
'cause we've had thisconversation over the years
privately building up to thismoment.
Monique, thank you so much forbeing here today.
Thank you for having me.
I'm super thrilled to be on yourpodcast.
The feeling is mutual.
I know that I just gaveeverybody a quick rundown of who
you are and why you're here, butI wanna start off with how has

(02:55):
motherhood shaped and evolvedyour definition of ambition and
how does that correlate to thework that you do today?
I, that's kind of actually whereI want us to start the
conversation.
Okay.
Um, it's funny, as soon as youasked me that question, I was
like, oh, motherhood gave meambition.
I don't think I've ever hadtruer ambition than after I had

(03:16):
my first child.
Like prior to that, I think mostof my decisions in my career and
in my life were driven from aplace of like safety seeking and
like, what should I be doing?
You know, like just in my.
In my twenties, um, especially Ididn't, I was like, I don't know

(03:38):
what I want.
I'll, I'll just kind of figureout what I guess I should be
doing.
I'll test stuff.
I don't think I tapped into trueambition until that baby arrived
and literally a year later Ileft Everything, started my
business.
'cause I was like, oh, I knowwhat matters.
I know what kind of life I'mabout to live.
I know how I'm about to spend mytime.
Like I know.
So that whole like transitionfrom like, I am not sure which

(03:59):
way could it go, we'll trydifferent things.
It was like that voice was gone.
So like the true voice ofambition that has driven me ever
since then.
Like I was like, oh, this is theonly ambition I know like that,
that I count.
Wow.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'm like mic drop.
I can leave the conversationright here because I think
hearing you say that, and I knowwe've had these conversations
offline, it's just like I, whenI think about my own ambition

(04:22):
mm-hmm.
It's always been so, like, it'sbeen very survival focused.
Like, make this money, hit thesemarkers.
Like, and motherhood felt so faraway.
'cause there was a part of methat felt like motherhood was
not available until all of theseother.
I think ways in which I definesuccess were hit first.
Mm-hmm.
And for me to hear you say thatyou, your real ambition didn't

(04:44):
come until after the baby came.
I'm like, it gets bigger,better.
It just gets, it just gets woo.
Right.
I don't know.
Like it's, it, it gets truer,you know what I mean?
Like there's a, there's a basisthat feels very.
Grounded.
That feels real.
It's not, you know, like there'sa lot of baseless decisions that

(05:05):
we make, or just fear-baseddecisions or like, I don't know,
I'm just like out here tryingto, you know, FreeWheel it and
try stuff, kinda decisions.
And I don't think anything,there's anything wrong with
experiencing those phases of ourlives and professions.
But, um, I do enjoy likeknowing, like from whence my
ambition comes, like, I, like Iknow what matters.
I know what's gonna drive mydecision making.

(05:26):
I know like what I'm after.
I think hearing that what youjust said of like, knowing where
my ambition comes from Yeah.
Is I think, um, a reallyimportant thing for us to take a
moment and like pause andreflect on.
Mm-hmm.
Because even how does this showup?
Because I know you work with alot of high level senior
leaders.
VC founders, women who are outhere managing massive budgets,

(05:49):
large responsibilities.
Yeah.
And when I hear you say thatquestion of I want to know, I
want to feel good in my bodyabout what the source of my
ambition is, like how does thatshow up?
Like how are you noticing thatshowing up and even the work
required around getting to thetruthful answer of that?
Yeah.
Um, it's so, oh, this, these aresuch good questions, because

(06:12):
like, that is, that is the work.
So obviously we attract in our,in our businesses as coaches, we
attract people who, they're onthe same wavelength.
We're kind of on the samejourney, um, together and.
The woman who I think is idealfor the kind of work I want to
do, she wants a, uh, a form ofambition and striving that feels

(06:36):
like it's, it's built onsomething real like that.
It feels like it's built on.
Um, yeah, like the, the humanitythat she knows exists, exists
within her.
And so, um.
That is the work is likeoftentimes that is like the
overarching unspoken questionwhen somebody begins work with
me is, which is kind of like,what is the point of it all
again?

(06:56):
Like what?
Not just'cause the question willwill present itself as which way
should I go?
But the question beneath that islike, what is driving the
decision for the destination?
Like what is actually.
Supporting that and so that'swhere the work is.
That's like I, this is such abeautiful way of even saying
like, this is what I do.

(07:17):
Yeah.
I'm like, I don't, I the kind ofjust hearing you say this and
that is the work.
I'm like, it's bringing me backto a moment when I think self
concept shattered, where it'slike the thought of like, I want
this to be built on somethingreal.
The moment when you discoverthat what you've been building
this on really.
There, it, it, there's a levelof truth to it.

(07:40):
'cause it was truthful to theversion of you that like was
holding it.
But I, I don't know.
I like when you were saying allthat, I'm like, how do you, what
do you do?
Or how do you navigate when you,that self-concept shatters, like
maybe you realize it wasn't astrue.
It was a version of your selfabandonment.
It was a version of anunregulated nervous system.

(08:00):
And when you start getting backinto your body.
You can't unsee it anymore, butlike Exactly.
I'm like, how for somebody who'slistening, and this is partly
for me because I feel like I'mlike, I'm not, I'm like post
shatter and like figuring outand like in the process right
now of like really what is mosttrue for me.
Yeah.
But like what do you say to thatperson that maybe right now is

(08:23):
at that inflection point wherethe glass is really starting to
break?
Mm-hmm.
And.
Or that, that self concept of,of what I'm really building this
on and what is the fuel that isreally driving the direction to
the destination like.
They're really coming up like,like to head with it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, there's gonna beresistance every time we evolve
into the next version, but I'mactually gonna switch your

(08:44):
metaphor.
Um, instead of, you know,breaking and, you know, because
there are, there are things thatfeel like, oh my gosh, I'm
breaking.
'cause it's like things arefalling away.
The things that.
Seem to be, my reality actuallyare no longer there, so it feels
like something has shattered.
But I really love the metaphorof the Phoenix because it's
like, no, something has burntdown.

(09:07):
Something is now gone.
It is leaving.
And like I know you talk a lotabout grief and like that that
is what we're kind of grieving,but it's also like.
How can I get to know thePhoenix that is rising and what
ground she stands on?
How can I actually get quiet andspend time with her and listen
to her body and her instinctsand like, and that is the

(09:28):
hardest thing to do when you'reused to moving a million miles
per hour looking for metrics tohit, looking for like you're,
you're just.
You're still kind of reachingback for old tools that you no
longer need as a Phoenix thathas risen.
You know what I mean?
And just embracing like, no, I'mnot, I am, I'm not.
There's nothing in me that islike incomplete.

(09:51):
Mm-hmm.
It's like that cycle hascompleted.
I'm in a new cycle.
Yes, I'm always learning andgrowing and expanding, but.
I'm whole as I am, and how can Ijust be with where I'm at now
and listen to like the wisdomthat does reside here?
I know exactly what I need andwant and like what matters right
now is if I can create space forit, you know, create space to

(10:11):
listen to it and to trust it.
Yeah.
When you said bringing up grief,I'm like, I think there was, and
there it still is.
I'm like, I didn't realize howmuch of adulting and growing up,
how much of it is like grievingan older version of ourself and
having like grace and love forthat version.
And also like grieving, likewhen it's gone, like grieving,

(10:33):
when it ha it has burned downand like, uh, you know, it's
almost like this shedding andlike this new.
Thing comes out, you know, andmm-hmm.
Um, it's an interesting dynamic.
I think as I'm continuing to getolder, I'm like, oh, I think
this is just going to be anormal cycle of life.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Versus like, this is the end allbe all.
Um, but I'm just imagining when,when I hear you say of like,

(10:55):
okay, we need to slow down.
Mm-hmm.
And the resistance that comeswith adjusting our pace.
Um, I've always really admiredabout, since I've known you,
you've always built yourbusiness at least outside,
looking in at a pace that.
At your pace, not at the pace atwhich the industry feels like
it's going or the pace at whichmany of us will like
self-impose.

(11:16):
And I feel like the sloweryou've moved, the more money you
make.
Like, wow, it is wild.
But what do you like?
I don't know.
I would just love to hear yourperspective of somebody that
maybe is at the point of theburning or maybe coming out of
the burning.
And it's at the point where it'slike, I know I need to adjust my
pace, but they're really in thatmoment of tension and really in

(11:39):
that moment of resistance.
And I mean, I can even think forme, before I slowed down, I mean
I was terrified, like.
It felt like a full bodyexperience of like a visceral
reaction of like, I can't.
Mm-hmm.
Um, but just like, how do youhelp clients navigate that
because it's being like not toofar from the other side, but

(12:00):
being on the other side, it'slike, it is a fundamental
requirement to adjust my pace,to make the time to start to
integrate and like reconnectwith myself in a way that I
probably was very muchdisconnected from previously.
Yeah.
So I think, you know, in thatsame sort of metaphor of like,
okay, there's the thing'sburning down on like, you know,
maybe like the littlebeginnings, a little hatchling

(12:20):
of a, of a phoenix is trying torise.
But you're like, in that, whatI'm hearing is like somebody
who's like really in thatin-between like, I'm like trying
to let the final inverse burnand like let this new version of
me emerge.
I, that's the woman listening tothis probably like I imagine
Uhhuh he's hearing right now andit's like.
I don't know who this Moniquewoman is, but we are, I'm in it

(12:42):
like, yeah.
I think a lot of us have theawareness where we're at the
point now where we arequestioning.
Mm-hmm.
And curious about like, maybethis needs to be different.
Mm-hmm.
But there's like the, how do Ido myself through this versus
like, who do I need to become toget through this?
Like who's at that inflectionpoint?
Yes.

(13:03):
Um, so this cannot be like yournext achievement.
I think like that the.
This cannot be your nextachievement.
Yeah.
Mm.
And that in and of itself, thatcontains the essence of, of a
doing approach versus a being.
Can I allow, like I've beenstudying a little bit more

(13:25):
around like feminine energy andmasculine energy and what's
healthy feminine versus, youknow, unhealthy in both, you
know, um, for both, uh, energytypes.
And the more that we can relaxinto.
A deserving space.
A space where we assume thatwhat we need can come that we

(13:46):
are attracting what we need andthat the track that is running
in the back of our mind of, youknow, because there's always
that little inner achiever,she's always gonna pop up and
try to tell you like, no, weneed, we need to push hard.
We got to get it.
You know, again, like, where'smy check boxes?
Like, she's going to pop up.
She never disappears.
I don't believe that part ofourselves ever disappears.
But you can give space to this.

(14:06):
Other side of yourself that istrying to grow and trust that it
will become stronger than her.
Mm.
Okay.
So I think it's just arecognition of like there's this
duality that starts to exist.
Like you said, you can't unseeit once you see it, but trust
that that new version of you iswhat's seeing it.
So that means that some newpossibility has become available

(14:27):
and that there's a new versionthat you have to, you have to
give her some, you gotta giveher some chance.
You know, you gotta give hersome space to work.
Let her cook.
You know?
And these are like smallexperiments.
I often talk to my clientsaround like, okay, on, you know,
a scale of one to 10, you know,what is like.
10 is like, this is going toexplode my brain.
Versus a one like this doesn'tbother me at all.
This causes no anxiety.

(14:47):
Like, where can you find a threeor a four to start with, you
know, a small, um, a smallexercise, like small example.
And it can be the, it's usuallylike the tiniest things in our
closest relationships where wecan begin to experiment with
these things.
We'll, like, think that.
Okay.
A lot of my identity has beenbuilt around this business, and
I'm trying to build a businessnow that, you know, rev, uh,
revolves around, around a morepaced version of, of myself.

(15:10):
One that like listens to what mybody actually needs and my
nervous system is, you know, isalso supported and, and, um, and
loved on by my business.
But it's like that, that canfeel really big.
It's like how are you operatingwith your homegirl?
How are you operating with yourspouse or, or your, your partner
like.
Can you, can you make little,can you make little
opportunities to like test out anew pace in those small little

(15:31):
moments with those people firstand then you build confidence.
It's a skill like anything else.
And you, you create small testsfor yourself.
I love the reframe of that,'cause that feels like
attainable.
Versus like, I need to overhauleverything.
I think that's what I notice,even with clients where they
reach these inflection points.
Yes, there's a burning and theywanna burn it all down.

(15:52):
They're like, they're like, oh,we need to like light everything
on fire.
Everything needs to go down.
And usually it is those smalltweaks that.
It still can take time to seethe external evidence.
Mm-hmm.
But like, it's usually the smalltweaks.
It's what's required, not amassive burn down.
And, um, I love what you'resaying about like, where can I

(16:13):
start to test maybe in, in safespaces?
Yeah.
Versus feeling like I need tooverhaul, like, change my entire
career or burn my entirebusiness down, or like.
Make these massive shifts.
Mm-hmm.
Um, also in the somatic stuff,my somatic therapist was like,
you know, sometimes we will goto the biggest extent possible

(16:33):
versus like, where are thesesmall moments of titration
mm-hmm.
That you can really play in?
And that's kind of what I'mhearing you say of like, these
small tests.
Yeah.
Um, like what are examples ofwhat these small tests could
look like?
Yeah.
Okay.
So for example, um, let's saythat.
Because it depends on what it isthat you're trying to build more

(16:54):
trust in or belief in.
Right.
Um, in bigger ways.
Mm.
So say it's like, mm, I cannot,which is a big one.
Like, I can't take a break.
I can't take a sabbatical.
I know a lot of people haveloved listening to your story
because you figured out a way tolet let yourself do that.
Right?
Um, but it starts out with smallgestures.
And sometimes people will thinklike, okay, well I'll, I'll
start by taking a week off.

(17:15):
But it's honestly not about justthe time that you take off for
an experiment like that.
It's like, can I.
Exist with myself in a small,tiny moment.
Mm.
And then can I actually study?
Like how did that go for me?
Like what came up for me?
How did I survive it?
What was hard about it?
But in either way, you getthrough it and you realize,

(17:37):
okay, I, I can be different, Ican be slow, and I can be okay.
Yeah.
So I mean, it's like little tinystuff.
Sometimes it's like not the mostexciting or sexy thing to do,
but it is the most impactful andeffective, right.
Um, oftentimes it's also like,you know, my clients are.
Oftentimes like trying to reallyplease others and over promise.

(17:59):
And so it's like, okay, well howcan I, again, experiment in
these safer, closerrelationships and um, practice
under promising practice.
You know, saying like, I canonly come for 30 minutes.
You know, because all of thatflows through to, you know, I am
definitely gonna do this massivelaunch at this time when my body

(18:19):
is like about to burst, but I'mgonna do it anyway.
It's like, practice these littletiny moments first, you know.
I love that.
Like, and I think, um, it's sotrue.
Like I think even me building upto taking a sabbatical started
with me taking like every otherFriday off.
Mm-hmm.
And then if there was a fifthweek in the month, I would try

(18:40):
not to have any calls scheduledon that fifth week.
So that was like a breather, abreathing room.
Mm-hmm.
And like, it was like thesesmall, tiny experiments that led
to a moment where I was able totake an extended period of time
off.
But those small experimentshappened over like three to four
years.
Mm-hmm.
Before I felt comfortable orsafe or the business was in a
position where like an extendedbreak felt available and was

(19:00):
available.
Um, I just love that.
And I the, there was alsosomething that you said that I
wanna make sure we pull out islike, where do you feel like you
need to trust yourself more?
Mm-hmm.
That felt like a very importantquestion of like self-reflection
of like, where do I need totrust myself more?
Mm-hmm.
And I imagine if you'relistening to this, there's
probably something that almostimmediately comes to mind.

(19:22):
Um, and even if it doesn't, likesitting with that question, I
feel like can start this journeyof like, maybe where to start
testing in correlation to wheredo I wanna be able to trust
myself more?
And I, I also really want tocontextualize this in because I
know a part of also what spedsome of the cycles for you, and
I know how this works for me andin the work I do with my
clients, are the relationshipsyou exist in and the environment

(19:45):
that you place yourself in.
Yeah.
'cause that's what's going toalso help build your belief like
these, these models ofpossibility.
Like we, we try to do everythingsolo dolo in our lives and in
our work.
And that's a big part of whatalso slows your process to the
transformation that you know iskind of calling to you.
But, um, yeah, like, hold on,Monique.
She said if y'all out here doinga solo dolo, that slows the

(20:08):
process down.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, this is why I keep acoach.
This is why, because I couldstay stuck on something for
months and months and months.
But if I have the, have theright environment, the right
relationship, the rightexpertise, you know, available
to me, I can move that throughthat bad boy in, in a day or in
hours, you know, something thatmight have taken me weeks or

(20:29):
months, so.
The same holds true for anythingthat we're trying to like grow
and develop and, and it's notjust like the tips, tricks, and
tools that somebody can teachyou.
You can take a course, you cantalk to chat GPT, but it's, it's
the essence of that person yougetting to like see how this
person is moving and that theyare.
Safe.
You get to witness it andactually like take that, it like

(20:49):
that has an impact on yourpsyche and your nervous system.
It's like, oh, I can actuallybuild some belief just being in
this person's presence.
Mm-hmm.
And being able to witness themand hearing some of the behind
the scenes like that meanseverything.
That means everything to ourdevelopment and our, our ability
to evolve and not feeling,getting caught up in like,
getting stuck for long periodsof time.

(21:09):
Yeah.
That is so good.
Like, and that's something I'vereally admired about.
Learning from you and what I'vewitnessed you is just like how
well resourced I've always seenyou being and how like that is
really it.
Again, outside looking in that,that's like just a standard of
like how you move through theworld is like, I, why would I go
through this world unresourced?

(21:30):
Like why would I go through thisworld without being well
equipped and like being wellresourced and it's really
reframed.
How I look at myself.
'cause I think before very muchthat solo dolo.
Mm-hmm.
Because of circumstances,because of my environment,
because of my, you know,conditioning.
Like, that's very much where Ifelt safe.
Yeah.
But when I really started tothink about Isha, the, the

(21:50):
bigger things, like the dreamsthat you say that you want, that
you're honestly not allowingyourself to even play in.
It's because those dreams cannotcome to fruition.
Doing it solo dolo like, andalso why, like, I think when,
uh, again, watching you, and Ilove how you talk about this on
your podcast and just like,pretty much in general, like if
you come across Monique, yougonna come across, you're gonna

(22:12):
be blown away by like how sheresources herself and how much
permission it gives you to dothe same.
But it's just like, I think it'sa version of self love and it's
like if I love myself, oh yes, Ido.
I not love myself enough to notwanna be resourced.
Like I think when I starteddoing a lot of this work and
slowing down and adjusting mypace and getting back in my
body, it's like it's an act ofself love to allow myself to

(22:35):
receive and be resourced.
So like I, why would I wanna doit any other way?
Well, and I'll answer thatquestion, right?
Why would we wanna do it anyother way?
Certainly.
There are huge societalpressures and systemic issues
and things that drive, but whatthey are driving is our self
concept.
What they're driving is our selfidentity.
And if you are holding aself-concept of someone who is

(22:57):
like, um, I'm needless, I havesince I was a little girl, you
know, I've been placed in maybebetter schools or, you know, um,
the special programs are sentoff on the bus to go here and
there in getting this.
Access and exposure to things.
But when I come back home,nobody can help me do what it is
that I really need to do.
So I've learned a certain kindof self-reliance.
And so there's a version of youthat has been like built up to

(23:21):
be like, I need to operate solodollar because I believe no one
can help me.
No one can truly help me.
The help is not available.
Right?
So.
If that is, that is what is likeat the foundation of how you
conceive of yourself, thatversion of you.
It's like the, the math doesn'tmath.
It's like, well, if you onlyneed you, then why would I give
you more?
Yeah.

(23:41):
Why would I resource myself ifmyself don't need nothing?
Don't need nobody.
You know?
So this, that self-concept work.
Ooh.
Everything.
Everything.
I'm like, you literally justsummed up the last six of my
therapy sessions.
Like no joke.
Like if I had to, like if I hadto define a chapter of what
therapy's been like for me thepast four months mm-hmm.

(24:03):
Is that it's safe for me to haveneeds.
Yeah.
And'cause of how often you gothrough this world.
Exactly to what you said.
You know, especially growing up,I was the, the kid in the house
that like had it figured out.
Mm-hmm.
Or like, oh, she's good.
She's, you know, responsible,she's taking care of herself.
She doesn't need anything fromus.
So like, nobody checked in onme.
Mm-hmm.

(24:23):
Nobody's asking me how my gradeswere, how school went, or just
it was just.
We know she's good.
So like nobody checked in.
It's like, I think it's like,make sure you check in on your
strong friends.
Right, right.
Most people aren't.
And that has been, and I lovewhat you talked about with the
testing'cause it's like I need,I've had to start practicing.
Even just like making smallrequests within my friendship

(24:43):
circles.
Mm-hmm.
Um, or even preparing for awedding right now.
I'm like, oh.
It is the biggest test ofallowing yourself to have needs
because it's like all about youand your spouse, like asking
people to show up.
Yeah.
Asking people to be in yourbridal party, like asking people

(25:03):
to come in addition to a, abachelorette and a mm-hmm.
It's like, it's so, and, and Ididn't realize how activating it
was because it's like, these areall opportunities where.
It is, you know, quote unquotebased off of whatever, like I'm
supposed to be asking thesepeople and allowing them to show
up and just celebrate with me.
And, um, yeah, like feelingsafe, having needs.

(25:25):
Mm.
Um, yeah, that's, that's an allday topic.
Therapy I'm in.
That's a all day topic.
All day.
Yeah.
Honestly, honestly.
Yeah.
I feel like, I know we startedthis with motherhood because I
know, I mean.
A lot of this work that I'mdoing and a lot of what's been
coming up for me is like, okay,I'm like, jet, you're like
almost Heller.
Heller helicopter parentingyourself too hard.

(25:47):
Okay.
That's funny.
As it relates to like how you'repreparing for motherhood,
because I think there is a partof me that's just like.
That seems becoming a mom justseems like one of the most
vulnerable and transformativethings that you will ever do.
'cause it's like, I don't havecontrol of like, Hey, grow an
arm now.
Hey, get that pinky toe in.

(26:07):
Like, your body just does it.
It's like, to me it's, it's suchan extreme and like the ultimate
version of self-trust.
Yeah.
Because it's just like, it's,it's a divine experience.
Yeah.
It's a supreme surrendering, uh,supreme surrendering.
Yeah.
Like.
And when I think about a lot ofwhat we're talking about with
like self-trust and beingresource and allowing ourself to

(26:30):
have needs, I can only justimagine from the conversations
I've had with other moms andother clients who was like I,
they're juggling all of that inaddition to now trying to figure
out like where and how to holdspace for self in the midst of
all these other roles andidentities that they play.
Like, how do you notice thatcome up?

(26:50):
You know, just like, I don'tknow, like what, what kind of,
how do you notice that come upand how do you help clients
navigate that when it's like,I'm doing all this self work now
and it's me and a partner.
Yeah.
Like, you know, and I, and I'vebeen really intentional with
myself in this season of, like,Jay, there's a difference
between being a girl and I.
Who has a boyfriend and being agirlfriend.

(27:12):
Mm-hmm.
There's a difference betweenbeing a woman and like a woman
who was married versus justbeing a wife.
Like, I'm trying to, how do Imaintain my sense of self
mm-hmm.
Amongst all these otheridentities that I hold child.
Ain't that the set of questions?
So, so it's.

(27:38):
This is the eternal questionthat like, you know, e
especially again, if you're,you're already high achieving,
you have ambitions, you havedreams, there's things you want
to do in life, things that youwant to experience.
It's like, I don't wanna losemyself to motherhood.
I don't want to lose therelationship I've been building
with myself, the space that I'vecreated for myself.
Like, how am I gonna do thiswith this tiny human, depending

(27:59):
on me?
Um.
For so much, and I wish I had aclean, sweet answer for you, but
the, the, the.
The most succinct way that I cananswer that based off of my
experience and the work thatI've done working with so many
other moms.
Moms of color in particular,right?
Yeah.
'cause we have different layersof pressure and we can go onto
that dad in a minute becausethat is okay.

(28:19):
We can get into it.
The different layers ofprivilege and how, like what
your circumstances, environment,resources are.
I imagine like it plays such ahuge factor in all of this
child.
Huge.
And yeah, it's, yeah.
So we'll go there.
Um, but my truth has been.
That I've never lost.
Um, I've never lost theinclination or the urge to

(28:41):
continue to fight for me.
Hmm.
If you, if you just trust, Iwill continue to fight for me,
and I think some of the thingsthat have really helped me
together, and I'm, I'm assumingthat these are probably going to
also be really supportive toyou, is the fact that I did self
invests prior to having a child.
Like I had a therapist foryears, so I got in touch with
my, with little Monique.
You know, I've had conversationswith her.

(29:03):
I, I have tools and ways ofbeing with her, so I didn't have
to try to make that up andfigure all that out once a kid
gets here.
Not to say that that'simpossible, but that wasn't the
experience I had and I couldimagine that that would make
things even more challenging'cause you don't have a thing to
kind of come back into or toolsthat already exist.
Yeah.
Um, to engage in that fight.
So it's like.

(29:25):
You can't preschedule andpreplan and pre calendar like,
and this is how I will have thespace for myself as a mother.
It's like you're rolling withit.
It's the same way.
I mean, it's a different type ofthing and it's a slightly
different level, but like thesame way that as an
entrepreneur, it's like this isthe greatest form of therapy
you'll ever experience, youknow, publicly.

(29:47):
Motherhood is very similar.
Like you're gonna discover partsof yourself that you did not
know were there.
I don't care how much therapyyou've had, how self-reflective
and self-aware you are, likeit's just, it brings new stuff
out of you, just likeentrepreneurship and other big
experiences of your life do.
So I think trusting that youwill maintain the fight.
And that you have resourcedyourself with the relationships,

(30:09):
you know, that you, the peoplethat you place around you are
incredibly important.
You'll I will, I will, I willdef, I can definitely say in the
first, um, year of being a mom,other moms, most other moms out
here, like, we just want to holdeach other down because there's
this great awakening thathappens of like, oh, this is
what it is.

(30:30):
And so the, the outpouring ofsupport, it doesn't take much to
find it, is what I guess I'msaying.
Mm.
It's like.
Everybody is just ready to holdeach other down.
You kind of enter into this newlike sorority of, of especially
early motherhood.
Um, I.
It's available to you, but I,I'm never gonna say like, and
it's easy.
You just map it out and thenyou're good.

(30:51):
No, that's not the thing.
But you get to trust yourselfthat you will fight for you and
maintain that as your core.
And then you start to build thesame things you do in your sy in
your, in your, uh, business.
You build systems and processesand things like that to support
you coming back into yourselfand creating more and more space
for yourself.
Yeah, I just love that.
Like, it's just what are thisnever ended journey of just
like, what are the new toolsthat I might need for whatever

(31:13):
it is that I'm coming upagainst, and how am I resourcing
myself in my relationships?
Yeah.
And I know that you have apodcast episode coming out very
soon about this.
Um, and, and there's, you've hadan, you've had, now this would
be your second one about justlike how you have been well
resourced.
Yeah.
Are there certain things that.
You notice kind of across theboard of like, when people hear
this like, oh, I need to beresourced.

(31:34):
When I really heard you start tobreak down what you meant by
resource, it expanded mydefinition of what, what
resourced meant.
Mm-hmm.
And are there certain thingsboth like at home.
And just like in your familydynamic and motherhood dynamics,
I think this is something too,like how I've been preparing my
tools.
Mm-hmm.
Over the years I've been liketalking to different moms and

(31:56):
it's like, how do you run yourhousehold?
Like how do you resourceyourself?
What are these conversations orthese things that you're
investing in that like createrelief, um, and then even you
as.
You know, an entrepreneur as abusiness owner, as a leader, as
a speaker, as a facilitator.
Like if you had to like maybecome or share just a handful of
ways in which you've beenresourced or ways in which

(32:18):
really makes a huge differencefor your clients and how they
resource themselves, like whatare some specific examples of
that?
Yeah.
And I'm actually, this is so,uh, interesting too because I'm
developing a small masterclassabout this particular topic
because it is, it's this thingthat's up for all of us and
we're like looking for guidance.
We're looking for inspiration,looking for permission, um, to
give these things to ourselves.

(32:40):
And I'm like, I'm gonna sharewhat I know.
Um, so that is something that'scoming.
It'll be on monique rshields.com in the coming weeks
anyway.
So if I were to pick a couple ofthings that I feel like have
made.
It's so interesting thinkingabout this, that it made the
real difference, it made adifferent stages of motherhood
might also be potentiallybeneficial here.
That is true.

(33:00):
Early motherhood is its ownbeast.
It is its own experience.
It's like those first two yearsis its own little thing.
Um, but um.
The, the things that havemattered most are the
relationships.
Like, so, so I, and I havepushed myself to move past the
like social narratives that momsdon't deserve to have any time

(33:21):
to themselves and blah, blah,blah.
But realizing, and my husbandalso realizing that like, you
need to spend the nightsomewhere else.
And the first few weeks after,not the first few weeks, maybe
like as soon as I could getaway.
Long enough to like pump somemilk.
And it depends on whatever your,you know, breastfeeding formula,
whatever your journey is.
But when you, there is anopportunity to sleep somewhere

(33:43):
else, even if it's just for onenight.
One of my best friends liveslike, like eight minutes up the
street.
So speaking of relationships andI.
A part of her home, she has likewhat's called like a little
casita, so it's, you can, youcan think of it as like, it is
just like an addendum, like alittle mini apartment that's
attached to her house, but it'scompletely separate.
And I was like, girl.
And she was like, she's a mom aswell.
She's like, I got you.
I got there, she had laid outlike little tea and like little

(34:04):
chocolates and I ordered likesome food that I wanted and I
just sat there and I ate pastand I passed out and there was
no baby crying in the middle ofthe night.
And yeah, my spouse handledthat.
And I pumped my milk and then Icarted it home and I was home
the next morning, probably like6:00 AM'cause I hardly sleep
anyway in those early days.
But little things like that,it's really about the

(34:25):
relationships you have.
Again, the commitment tofighting for yourself and really
that pushback against thenarrative that tell you that
that's something wrong orshameful or selfish about
listening to your body andlistening to this.
Like, I felt so refreshed comingback.
From doing that, you know, and Idid it multiple times in those,
in those early years, the early,um, especially those early

(34:46):
months.
I did it a few times.
Um, and it makes me, it made mea better person and mom.
Um, so if we're talking aboutearly motherhood.
Finding ways to give yourselfspace.
Again, that wasn't expensive.
I didn't have to go to a fancyhotel or anything like that.
I mean, if your friend has aguest room, like, can I just
come sleep in a, in a quietspace?
I think that's even, I wannapause there.
'cause I, me and my girlfriend,we have, this has been a

(35:09):
running, I don't wanna call evena joke anymore.
She's like, Deisha, every timeyou come in town, you always get
a hotel.
Why do you never stay at ourhouse?
Mm-hmm.
Well, let's ask that.
Let's answer that question,Isha.
Why would you ever wanna stay ata friend's house when you're in
town?
It is.
I mean, it is like going back tolike I'm allowed to, I'm, it's

(35:32):
safe for me to allow otherpeople to show up for me, even
in a way.
To me that's so simple.
Like for her, if anybody neededto come save my house, I will
treat my home like I am aboutique hotel for you.
Like I will anticipate all ofyour needs.
I will ask you what yourfavorite snacks are.
I will put out everything foryou.
Like mm-hmm.
I will do all the things, butlike receiving that in
reciprocity is.

(35:52):
A big it, it feels very big inmy nervous system to do that.
Mm-hmm.
Um, and I think too, just likegrowing up, like, you know, I
was raised by my grandma, like,you ain't sleeping at nobody
else's house.
Like you ain't Yeah.
Going over nobody else's house.
So like.
We, like, I just didn't grow upin an environment where that was
like one, even like a normalpattern.
Like Yeah.
And nobody had an extra roomfor, right.

(36:13):
Anybody to sleep in, like, yeah.
So, you know, if we were to goover anybody's house, of course
we, we would always come backhome.
But I think my grandma was justold school.
Like, she just, and I don't knowwhat she's seen or experienced
growing up.
Like, she was just like, shewould never allow, she would
barely allow me to go over afriend's house.
Yeah.
Let alone stay the night.
Yeah, and I think just as anadult, it just, I think it think

(36:34):
like, I just don't wanna be aninconvenience.
Mm.
I'm afraid of being a burden andbeing an inconvenience is
probably the real answer.
Um, that's all my own thoughtsthough.
I know that that is not true.
'cause like this particularfriend, it's been, I don't know,
six years now and she's like,when you gonna pop up?
I said, I will never just popup.
Like, you don't live down thestreet, you live outta state.

(36:55):
Like, I think that would be wildfor me just to like fly in and
knock at your door.
She would love that.
Yeah.
Me absolute.
That's like I, that is too farof a stretch.
Like the, but I do think for, Ijust, I saw somebody do a reel
about this and it went superviral, but I really resonated
with it because it's like, I, Idon't know, like asking somebody

(37:17):
else to let me stay at theirhouse.
Mm-hmm.
And to not feel like it's aburden or an inconvenience is
like part of my own work rightnow.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Uh, do you wanna talk about itfor a quick second of, I mean,
yeah.
Always.
Okay.
Well, because this is all, thisis all connected to everything
we're talking about, right?
Yeah.
'cause this is, this is likequintessential my clientele and
I, I, I've gotten some of thesefeelings too, d different

(37:38):
scenarios, but where it's likeyou don't want to be the needy,
burdensome, whatever, whatever,whatever.
Yeah.
Um, but play the scenarioforward.
So let's say you go.
You're a burden.
What is actually happening?
What is functionally like takingplace that makes you burdensome?
Are you gonna create a big messin their house?

(37:59):
You loud?
I would never, like what is itthat you think would be a burden
on them?
I.
I mean, honestly, this just goesback to like childhood stuff.
It's just like, yeah, but don'tgo back.
Don't intellectualize it.
Don't intellectualize.
Just go to, you're at yourfriend's house.
Mm-hmm.
And you're a burden.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
They think, oh, you, I don'tknow.
You are upstairs and, oh, here,Isha up there.
Well, she would get outta here.

(38:19):
Like what?
What is it that might be drivingthat for them?
Even if it's not rational?
I don't even have an answer.
'cause I feel like I would doeverything I could not to be an
inconvenience.
You'd be placing everything backexactly the way you found it.
I would strip sheets.
You would leave better than youfound it.
I'll, I'd probably bring somesnacks.
I'd probably order like I wouldwant to help in whatever way.

(38:41):
Like you're a hundred percentright, like there, I don't.
I can't imagine a world where Iwould like all allow, that might
be an exercise, like go tosomebody's house and do my
version of being aninconvenience.
Because I think even my versionof inconvenience is still is not
inconvenience in anybody.
No.
You're gonna show up and be agift is what I just heard.
Hmm.
And that's your natural way.

(39:02):
Yeah.
We don't have actual evidencefor it.
We just have old stories.
Right?
Yes.
And these old feelings that rundeep.
I, I think that we don't haveactual evidence, we just have
old stories and like, yeah.
What I'm kind of hearing you sayis like, don't allow the old
stories to be driving today'sactions.
There it is, and it's easy toknow these things, but to live

(39:23):
it out, that's why you createthe experiment.
So you commit, I'm gonna, I'mgonna go do this.
Okay.
I guess I'm gonna say it.
I'm not even asking him to go tomy friend's house.
She's begging me to come.
Let me go be a gift.
Okay.
That's my homework assignmentI'm going to stay at.
That's what I'm talking about.
Report back.

(39:44):
My gosh.
I'm like, so I hear a rhythm ofrelief.
Early stages is you need to gosleep somewhere else because
sleep is all that matters inthose early stages.
It's like you just, you're notin your right mind.
So you prioritize what thepriority is.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And what about like kind ofmaybe your current day, like you
have two kiddos at home, youhave a beautiful business that

(40:04):
is just blossoming and blooming.
Um, like what does resourcingyourself today look like?
So that little exercise we justwalked through with you about
visiting a friend and feelinglike a burden or whatever,
right.
I have my own version of that,especially with my first kiddo.
Um, I have.
I'm very blessed to havegrandparent help, um, like to
the, to the tune of grandparentthat comes and she's amazing.

(40:26):
Stays with us for months andmonths and months on end.
Loves to like, she's like thedishes are be done every night.
She loves to like watch and feedher grand, feeding her grandbaby
baby.
She lives for, she has a travel,uh, travel passion.
So she disappears for her tripsand she comes back and she gets
her grand babies, right?
So we've had this reallybeautiful, um, support.
As a part of our household, Ihad my daughter and I felt so,

(40:51):
like I would punish myselfmentally for not being her
everything.
So my, my mother-in-law would belike, go, go.
And I'm like, no, I like that isnot what good mothers do.
Like I'm not, you know what Imean?
And so I had to, I had to havesome time being a mom to then

(41:12):
examine some evidence of what itlooks like and how I show up as
a mother to then convince myselfthat there's nothing, you know,
uh, half-ass about the way thatI show up for my child and like
what my child's needs are.
And actually I'm not showing upfor her needs.
I'm showing up for my anxiety.
You know, I'm projecting stuffonto this little baby.
And it's like, this baby needsto be fed and cuddled and
somebody change his diapers.

(41:35):
I, I cannot for, for 24 hours.
I, I don't have to be thatperson.
Also, this baby would love tohave a relationship with their
loving grandparent.
Yeah.
Right.
That's the truth.
That's the evidence.
So that mental permission iswhat I continue to give myself
today for things like.
I don't have to be the one that,for instance, I hired a home

(41:55):
organizer.
I, I definitely felt like, youknow, I need to be the one
taking care of all this stuffand making sure that, you know,
the system's in the, in thehouse.
My husband's actually a veryneat and organized person, but
like, I'm almost the one whopurchases most of the things, so
I'm like, I don't organize it.
I, and it's like I don't have tobe the one to do this.
Also, again, what is my highestpriority in this season?
Like always optimizing for itand then assessing like what is

(42:17):
it that I'm believing that ispreventing me from living out my
priorities?
Okay, how can I resource myselfagainst that?
That is good and I, so I'm justin a rhythm now.
Like it's nothing for me just tolike, you know, the book Who,
not how I'm always looking for,who's always, yeah.
This is so good.

(42:37):
I'm like, I don't even knowwhere to wrap this up.
I'm like, I'm just ready to rerewind and listen to it again.
Um, I'm okay when we reallythink about this because a lot
of this is talking about thisperception of what we have
versus the evidence thatactually exists, or old stories
that are driving today'snarrative.
Yeah.
Um.

(42:58):
I'm like, what?
I don't know.
Is there anything else that youjust feel like needs to be said
that we have not said or a le alasting remark for as a helpful
reminder?
I think that, you know, I, Ithink that the undercurrent of
our conversation really isspeaking to the heart of an
achiever, right?
And it's like.
Recognizing where you're tryingto create opportunities for

(43:21):
achievement, where it's like,it's just not, it doesn't serve
you.
I think most of the timeachievement is externally
driven.
It is based off of like rulesthat somebody has set somewhere
else and they're oftenarbitrary.
And so it's about like comingback into.
What is true for me?
What actually matters for me inevery aspect of life?
And how can I create rules, um,that I can expand into, that I

(43:45):
can meet like, and not turn thisinto another thing that I need
to achieve For some like random,again, arbitrary purpose.
Nobody is watching.
Nobody is grading me.
Not truly everybody is busybeing anxious about their own
lives.
So how can we release that?
And, and trust that we can findour own rhythms and, and again,
do it with community, doing itwith support, um, aligned

(44:07):
support, people that truly docare about you.
But, um, this is like in everyaspect of life work.
This is what I believe.
So turn off that inner achieveras much as possible.
Man.
I'm like the, I don't know, theculmination here is just like
shifting from the achievement tothe allowance.
Yeah.
And where do you need to allowthings to happen a little bit

(44:27):
more versus like you're saying.
This striving for achievementand checking the box and like,
and the control you'll neverhave.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Whew.
Y'all.
If, if this episode don't makeyou want more, Monique, I, I, I
don't, I don't know what's goingon.
If you have not yet subscribedto her podcast, ambition without

(44:50):
Compromise.
If you enjoyed thisconversation, get ran deep.
Every episode is such aintentional moment to pause and
be present and she just, I lovethe way that you.
Dive and divulge intoconversation.
Um, but what else do we need toknow that you have coming up so

(45:12):
that we can make sure to link itin the show notes?
Um, and just so people areaware,'cause I imagine somebody
listening to this is like, Ineed more Monique in my life.
And I'm like, yes, you do.
Thank you.
I would love it if you alllisten to my podcast.
I'm Monique r Shields on all ofthe social platforms, primarily
just.
Instagram, let's be real.
That's where I'm primarily at,but you know, you can find me on
LinkedIn a little bit too.
Um, and in terms of what I havecoming up, you know, the thing

(45:35):
that I'm most passionate aboutthis year is gathering black
women, gathering powerful blackwomen in intimate spaces.
And so, um, if you follow alongand, or you go to my website and
you sign up for my newsletter,again, it's everything is
Monique CarShield.
So monique carshield.com.
Um, you can learn more aboutanything that I'm building to
that effect, but that's, that'swhere my head is at.
That's where my heart is at, andthat's what we're doing this
year.
Alright.

(45:56):
Thank you so much for doing thathere today with us and yeah, we
will see y'all in the nextepisode.