October 8, 2020 • 42 mins
School is in session! Elections are near! Oh, and COVID-19 is still upon us. Dr. Laura Markham (Aha Parenting) and Bethany Robertson (ParentsTogether) join Katie this week to discuss strategies that can be used to make sure your kids thrive in virtual learning. They also outline how families can teach children about voting and remain stress-free during this difficult time.
Crib Notes:
Dr. Laura Markham's website: https://www.ahaparenting.com/
ParentsTogether's website: www.parents-together.org
New ParentsTogether Survey Reveals Kids Face Mental Health Crisis as Pandemic Enters Sixth Month: https://parentstogetheraction.org/2020/09/23/new-parentstogether-survey-reveals-kids-face-mental-health-crisis-as-pandemic-enters-sixth-month/
Check your voter registration:
https://parents-together.org/register-to-vote/?utm_source=podcast_pt&utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=parentstogether&utm_term=check_registeror https://bit.ly/parentscheckreg
Register to Vote by Mail:
https://parents-together.org/register-to-vote-vbm/?utm_source=podcast_pt&utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=parentstogether&utm_term=requestor https://bit.ly/parentsvotebymail
Find your polling place and any other kind
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to Katie's Crib, a production of Shonda Land Audio
in partnership with I Heart Radio. Welcome back to Katie's Crib.
Katie Lowe's here, or rather barely here. It's October. We're
in a pandemic, the election is fast approaching, and so
(00:23):
is my second baby. By the way, we're getting into
the marathon of the holidays, and oh yeah, there's that
little extra thing on our plate called school that is
really stressing moms out. So today we've invited some people
to help talk about all of these stressors with a
real emphasis on the school portion. Here are my special guests,
(00:43):
Dr Laura Markham of AJA Parenting and Bethany Robertson of
Parents Together. Welcome you guys. I'm so happy you're here.
Let's throw it to um. Dr Markham first, tell us, Okay,
you're a doctor, what do you do? Tell us a
little bit about AHA Parenting, and then we'll talk to
Bethany a little bit about Parents Together, and then we
(01:05):
can get into how you guys are going to help
all of our Kati's Crib listeners today. What I do
is I support parents to have the best possible relationship
with their children. And teach them how to coach their
kids so their kids learn skills to manage their own minds,
to manage their own anxiety, and to manage their behavior
(01:26):
so kids become more emotionally intelligent and are able to
show up in the world as their bestselves. What I
need to hire you personally from me and my child.
I first was introduced to you. You did a beautiful
short Instagram video with Natalie Portman UM and I saw
it on the Parents Together Instagram and it was just
(01:48):
very It was just a distresser, right, we all need
to distress. Yes, parents need to just give themselves a hug.
And actually you can just take your hands and put them,
just rub them on your arms and actually shifts your
body chemistry slows down the stress hormones. Guys, I'm doing
(02:09):
this right now, me and Dr Laura Markham are just
rubbing our arms and I'm feeling like I'm in a
much better place to host this episode. So thank you
for that. Um and Bethany tell us about Parents Together,
how you started it. Also, you're a mom yourself, how
old your kids are? Tell us a little bit about yourself. Yeah,
so I have two kids, ages five and ten. So
(02:31):
we're in the midst of kindergarten virtual learning and fifth
grade virtual learning, which are really different. Beast Um and
I started Parents Together along with an amazing team because
I wanted to be more politically active, but I knew
that her parents we have so much for managing. Even
before the pandemic, we all had so much to do,
(02:53):
and it's really hard to know what can I do
to really fight for my kids future and how do
I stand up for my child given all the the
things that I'm managing. So Parents Together is a force
of two point five million families around the country. Oh
my god. So we are working every day to support
each other getting through this with good parenting information and resources,
(03:14):
many of which we have Dr Marka to thank for, Um,
But we also provide easy, simple ways for people to
take action on things that matter to them. So that's
what we're doing. Incredible. I feel so lucky to have
you on the podcast because I feel like by you
running and managing something that has two point five million
families at your fingertips, I just feel like you you
(03:35):
have your figure tip is on the pulse of what
is happening with parents right now, which is incredible. Um,
So we've been talking a lot about how parents are
under an enormous amount of stress right now. Um, and
for a lot of families, virtual learning is just the
tip of the iceberg. I can't even believe some of
the trauma. It's illness right now, it's financial insecurity, it's
(03:57):
social isolation. Um, it's it's really survival mode is the
reality that the parents are looking at right now. Um.
What do you guys think about the mental health of kids? Like,
what what can what can adults do to support parents
in this situation? Maybe? Dr Markham? Okay, so kids are
(04:20):
out of their normal routine. Young children are fine as
long as their parents are okay. But what parent is
okay right now? As you said, it's a crash course
and uncertainty and fear and frustration and the isolation really
doesn't help. Humans are not meant to raise children in isolation.
(04:43):
Kids were older than that, we do need to find
ways for them to connect with other kids, either online
or even in person safely. And that's a big challenge,
right But I think that we can start always with
any age child. We can start with us because even
with teens, the more we're relaxed, comfortable, supportive, emotionally, generous, grounded.
(05:07):
The more we can show up for our kids at
any age, that's excellent. I have to keep reminding myself
to take care of me UM. And then we haven't
really done an episode specifically yet on school, which is
why I'm really excited that you're both here, one with
the pulse of two point five million families and one
who is a doctor. How are you helping parents like
(05:30):
really work life balance when everything is at home and
kids are home school to talk to me either one
jump in, Well, I would just say that the thing
that we are hearing the most is it's just it's
so overwhelming on every front, and just keeping it as
simple as possible seems to be the key, and really
staying connected to what matters. So I know that my
(05:51):
son has more than five hours of scheduled zoom calls
a day, which would kill any normal adult, right. It's
just way way too much. And so what we have
done with my fifth grader is to really hone in
on one of the smallest possible segments we can do
that really help him stay connected and up to date
on his learning UM, but also just be realistic that
(06:14):
that's that's not what works for most children or most humans. Um,
but a lot of people don't have the flexibility to
provide extra support to their kids on the side of
what the schools are offering. And I think it's it's
really important for us all to just be very patient
and have a lot of grace with each other, to
know that educators are doing everything they can to support us,
(06:36):
but also to ask educators to have a lot of
patients and understanding for the things that parents are really
dealing with on a day to day basis. Yeah, I
saw this crazy tweet that was like something like a
lot of women have had to either quit their jobs
because they are right now at home being facilitators of
the zoom classes, like making sure their children log in
(06:57):
and their their attendance is counted. And then I've heard
of only people who have extreme privilege who can hire
some COVID safe nanny or tutor to stand next to
your children. Like, what is happening? How how are we
supposed to sustain this? Like I I and I'm so
(07:18):
grateful because I have a three year old, so I'm
like whatever, But I I have a lot of friends
and they are struggling. Yeah, I think especially at the
younger ages. With my kindergartener, it is really almost impossible
to expect her to do what they're asking her to do.
And I very much understand it. They're trying to get
her on her way to reading and writing and all
(07:38):
of her peers with her um But I think that
we have to be on a fast track to really
focus on the kids that need the most help, and
then for the rest of them, we need to focus
on how do we help them get through this time
emotionally mentally healthy? And I would love to hear Dr
markhams to because I am struggling, and so are my kids,
and so are the millions of families we work with. Yes,
(08:00):
Dr Markham, how can we support our children through this time?
There was an article that was just released, the New
Parents Together Survey reveals that kids face mental health crisis
as pandemic enters six months. So it was an incredible article.
We can link to it in our crib notes. But
how do we support our children through this uncertainty, isolation, anxiety.
(08:23):
What's the most important thing we can do right now
for our kids mental health? Bethany and I want to know.
What we can do is pay attention to mental health,
to emotional well being. The schools are doing what they're
supposed to do. They're putting out the information to teach
kids in the best way they can. That's COVID safe.
That doesn't mean that it's the best thing for your child,
(08:45):
because in fact, academic learning, it's it's not appropriate develop
mentally to ask a fifth grader to be in front
of zoom for five hours, and it's certainly not developmentally
appropriate for a five or six year old to be
in front of zoom at all. So what should we
do well, First of all, minimize the amount of time
(09:06):
to your child is in school every child. No child
should go from bed to the breakfast table to the computer.
They need to be outside first. They need to run around,
they need to get grounded, They need to laugh. Laughter
reduces the stress hormones circulating in the body and increases
the bonding hormones and the feel good hormones, so they
actually feel better then when they do sit down to
(09:29):
connect with their teacher in their zoom class. Right, but
also keep that too, only the most important things. They
don't need to do the whole day. They need to
do a few things and then have lots of breaks
in between for free play, for time outside, for connection
with parents. Now that raises the question, how can the
(09:50):
parent have that connection time with their child if they
have a job to do. That's basically impossible, right, So again,
parents need to be on a split shift so that
one of them is the morning and one is the afternoon,
and they at least get some time to work without
their child there. If they're trying to hold down a job.
It is just an impossible time right now. But we
shouldn't be balancing that budget that that impossibility on our
(10:14):
children's backs. Kids do not need the academics right now.
They will actually get more out of free play, being
read to by their parents, you know, being outside, running around,
and a little bit of school assignment, right, a little
bit goes a long way. The thing that children who
(10:34):
are at risk are the ones who don't have a
parent who can spend any time with them. That's, of course,
the biggest problem with is a society face that we're
not dealing with very well, and those kids are not
showing up on zoom. Most of us are guilty of
letting our children go to bed too late during this pandemic. Actually, right, exactly,
and I think most parents have moved in that direction.
(10:56):
We actually need to get kids to bed at a
reasonable hour so they wake up in the more be
ready to learn, and then spend some time connecting with them.
Parents who are challenged at this moment are not necessarily
able to do that with their kids, and they don't
even necessarily have enough devices for each child to be
able to show up right. It's a whole it's unbelievable. Like,
(11:16):
I don't understand why we can't all just take a pause,
like can we just come back to school in like
a year? Like I don't know how people are doing this,
But of course I'm like, oh my god, I don't
want any of the teachers to be out of work,
and and I value, oh my gosh more than ever
what they're trying to do. But for a person who
has to hold down a job, what are you What
(11:40):
are the most comments and things like that? Are you getting,
Bethany from families together? Yeah, So the biggest thing that
we're hearing is just this such economic distress in our families.
People are just hurting. Um, you mentioned not having devices.
We hear from so many people who are saying, like
I can't afford to pay for the internet for the
homeschool because I need to. I'm trading off already on
(12:00):
bills and rent um. So you know, this gets a
little bit more to what we as parents can do.
But there's such a need for parents to stand up
and say this is not okay. We are struggling and
we've been abandoned, and really they're not. It's this isn't
like if I just do this a little bit better,
or if I just negotiate care a little bit differently,
Like I can't solve it myself. What we really desperately
(12:24):
need is more support for our family is through the
form of unemployment insurance and food support. Um. You know,
I think that's one of my key messages to families
around the country right now, is like, if you feel
really stressed and horrible and like you're failing at everything,
first you're not alone, and second it is not your fault. Um,
there is so much that we as a society should
(12:45):
be doing does help families in need. Um that we've
just said up, they'll figure it out, and it's actually
it's an impossible thing to figure out. So money literally
made me cry. So no, no, it's great, Like I'm
just I can't believe it. I can't believe we're here.
But you're right, it's not solvable. And yet every parent
(13:06):
I talked to, and I'm sure every parent out there,
just feels like for some reason it's their fault or
their failing they can't provide what needs to be provided.
But it's it's not possible, you know. I talked to
parents all over the world, and the parents in places
like France have a safety ned m. You know, no
(13:28):
one's worried about losing their job. They can take the
time to take care of their kids, to stay home
with them during COVID. It's it is a solvable problem.
It's just not solvable by individual families. It's solvable only
at the level of society. And it's it would be
having different priorities, it would be valuing families, right, I mean,
(13:49):
Katie said, of course, we don't want teachers to be
out of work, but we don't have to have our
teachers out of work. We can say we should have
first of all, said this summer, hey, something's going to
be a little different this year. Let's pay our teachers
to work all summer long to prepare for the school year. Um,
we didn't do that, but we could do that now.
We could say, let's pump money into our schools so
(14:11):
that we have the support and the individuals we need
to go out and get to those families who aren't
showing up on the zoom calls and let's support them
with extra love and resources and all the connections that
they need to services. And for the rest of the teachers.
You know, there are lots of different things that folks
can be doing to support kids and families. Right now,
it doesn't look like what we expect, and we haven't
put the time, the money, or the creativity into supporting
(14:34):
families and getting them what we need. How do we
change If we as individuals cannot change this system that
we are in and we don't know when we're getting
out of it, do we think that making changes has
to happen then on the voting level? Like is that
where we're saying? Yes? So I gear up as a mom?
(14:57):
How just too, how do you talk your kids about voting?
And I want to hear from both of you on this,
Like it makes me feel better when I read your
instagrams and I'm like, oh, I can like make this
a positive, exciting something in my control, even though I
know it's not, but thing to my kid tell me
about those posts, and because I do think this does
(15:19):
relate if we need to make big changes in how
our teachers are paid and how they're taken care of,
and how our families in need during this time, who
aren't getting unemployment, who have been fired, who you know,
who can't afford the internet? How do we help these people?
And we have to do it on a much bigger
level than the individual. So there's much One of the
(15:40):
things I love about voting. I mean, I'm a huge
and obviously of getting out there and using our own vote, um,
but it's such an amazing way to engage with our kids,
right they because what is government? What is money? What
our taxes? Like? It's so intangible for them, But voting
is this thing that they can really right because you
(16:01):
can show them. You can show them signs. You can say, oh,
look like, what are all these road signs about, or
what are these signs on these buildings? My kids are
asking me all the time, well, which one is that?
And what do they think about? And what are they for? Um?
So it's a really interesting moment to say like, well,
these are people who want to be our leaders, and
you know what do they stand for? Then we can
get real. We can say, well, these are the leaders
(16:22):
that I'm for and why it's such an amazing opportunity
to talk about what you value as a family, what's
important to you, what you're choosing to invest in. Um,
So who are you voting for and why? Like those
are okay conversations to have with our kids and they
can understand, um. But then there's the actual like what
is voting mean? So with younger kids, you know, maybe
(16:43):
it's voting on what we're going to have for dinner tonight.
I love it's it's a great vote, you know. And
so we're choosing together who has a vote? And how
does that work if some of us want one thing
and some of us want another, how do the numbers work? Um?
And then you know, the most important thing that parents
can do this year's vote early. We just we do
not know what election day is going to look like.
(17:06):
Uh So voting early means your kids can be a
part of it. You can vote by mail, you can
have your kid be a part of filling it out. Um.
Obviously you have to sign it as the voter. But
I can put this stamp on, they can put it
into the mailbox like they can really feel like a
part of that process. Um, you can also do early voting.
Definitely defer to parents and safety procedures and that, but
(17:28):
that is a nice way for parents to be able
to go when the lines are much lower, much less crowded.
I wouldn't take your kids, but you can talk to
them about going. You can give them the stickers after
you know, there are all these ways just to show
them that you are a voter and you use your
power as voter. What I was wearing up, it was like,
that's something adults do and it's not our problem. I
(17:49):
think this to involve my child in the positive ways
that we use our voice, that helps them translate that
to all different things that they vote for or stand
for or use their voice for. Well, in fact, it
helps their mental health. That's tell me, tell me, tell me,
Because there's research that shows that when children see injustice
(18:10):
in the world, if we communicate to them that well
that's just the way it is. There's nothing you can
really do about it, they become cynical. Whereas if we
say that is a tragedy that is so terrible that happened.
Let's talk about what our family could do to make
that better, even if it's something very small. You know,
(18:31):
they pack up their allowance and send it off to
people who suffered from a hurricane and lost their home. Whatever.
You know, they're you, they make cards, they you know,
do you know it doesn't have to be about money.
It can be about um, you know, sending a school
supply or or you know, even just talking about being
a citizen and voting empowers kids. And what we find
(18:55):
when children see that there's something they can do, even
something small, they become somebuddy who not only feels empowered
to make a difference, they're more likely to raise their
voice when they see injustice happening around them. So voting
and being a citizen should always be on our family's
agenda to talk about in a positive way. I love that.
(19:25):
I'm really stressed about holidays coming up, no Halloween, election.
How do I handle the stress of election? I've never
had a kid during an election before. Um, what are
their tips? Great question? So I think for everything that
(19:46):
we do as adults, we do need to take care
of our own emotions first, right, we if we're freaking out,
we need to find a way to talk ourselves off
the cliff. And everybody has. You know, the research shows
that working out and meditating and getting enough sleep and
not drinking too much, you know, eating a reasonable diet,
(20:07):
all of those things are important to stay grounded and
to keep our anxiety and check. And then there are
small things like you know, we just did the thing
with the arms. You can do e F T. Tapping
on your hand. You know, there are lots of little
things in the moment. Just breathing, just deep breathing. So
if you hear a news report and it sends your
(20:28):
blood pressure skyrocketing, stop, drop whatever it is, turn off
the radio, whatever, you know, whatever you're listening to in
the car, let's say, and take a deep breath, and
that shifts again, shifts your body chemistry, and you can
share with your child why you did that. You know,
listening to those ads, I don't think what they were
(20:50):
saying was true or I don't agree with that, and
it's and I feel like it's it's not helpful to
say those things. So I turned it off and I'm
going to take deep us and I'll read because reading
the paper actually is healthier than listening to that barrage
of information, right, And you can say things like that
to your child, but you can also ask them what
(21:11):
they think. What I didn't like about what they said
is they were they were trying to make us scared.
For instance, often that's something that happens with political ads.
They were trying to make us scared. But I don't
think that helps. I think we can all come together
as a society to take care of each other. That's
what I believe. What do you think? And you just
talked to your child's helpful? Taking nuts like crazy here?
(21:38):
Going back a little bit to the school portion, I'm
also curious, um in this time when kids are isolated,
I really want to know how to teach my three
year old how to be independent, play by himself. I
can't play with him anymore. Do for that? That's you
(21:58):
ease into it, right, So it's a developmental leap for
children to be able to play, to be in the
same room as you, the same space, focused on their
own work while you're focused on something else. You're being
there makes them feel safe so they can focus. Some
kids get to that pretty easily. Some kids, you know,
(22:19):
we were in their faces often when they're babies, and
they get used to us being there and being part
of everything they do, and it's actually not that helpful
to them. So you can have times in your day
where you always do that, where they have time that
they can just play free play time, right, and you're
with them, but you're doing something else. But you you
get them started on something. So you say, I'll help
(22:43):
you get started. What do you want to play with? And,
by the way, before you even do that, get them laughing.
Get them laughing first, because then they don't have stress
levels built up right that that they're able to focus
on something without meeting your support. And then you say,
what would you like to do? Let's say they want
to play with their legos? Great, and you help them
(23:05):
get started. You get the legos with them, you sit
with them, and you're really uh an assistant, You're really
just there if they need help. You're beaming at them,
you're pouring your love into them. And then you say, oh,
I just need to check something quickly, and you you
check something and you come back and you hover, but
(23:27):
you're doing something else. Got it. That's great, That's so great.
I love that mine, mine is like I'm gonna go pee.
That's why I always like I'm just gonna go pee.
My kid must think I have to pee all the time. Um,
how do we fill the void of the in person
social activity with classmates? That's my other big thing. Like
(23:50):
my kids not you know, not starting preschool, but for
kids that are on Zoom school that really needed that
emotional social learning. What what's happened? What's happening there? So
they do need to connect with other kids in order
to feel connected to the school. Right, So if you
can set up a learning buddy, that's really helpful, so
the kids can meet on Zoom to do assignments together,
(24:12):
quiz each other on their you know, spelling words or
you know, multiplication tables or whatever. It really helps if
they have someone just to go through whatever learning they're doing.
If they're writing book reports, they can be writing a
book report as they chat on Zoom about it. Right, Oh,
I'm gonna go look this up. Okay, So what was
(24:33):
the first thing we have to do? Oh? A synopsis?
What's that mean? Even? And they can chat back and forth.
Then then they don't feel so alone. It really helps
kids to feel engaged with a learning when they have
a learning buddy, and even when they have friends who
are not learning buddies. Just Zoom play dates are super helpful,
so you know, you don't really want them playing Minecraft
(24:54):
on something at east. When they play Minecraft, they connect
with the other children. You could, you know, get some
clay and the friend can have some clay and they
can make monsters together and show each other their monsters. Right,
They're all kinds of ways for kids to have play
dates on Zoom, even though we'd rather they could have
them in person. Do you guys suggest like, I mean,
I've been doing that. It's like safe sex, right, It's
(25:18):
like this whole thing is like trusting people that they're
making the choices you're making, and then selecting those people.
And you know, it was really hard at first because
the first family we potted up with it was a
great match for the parents, it was not a great
match for the toddlers. They don't play in similar ways
(25:39):
um at all, and it was actually stressful. Um. And
then since then we've one family. The parents are okay,
but the kids are gangbusters, and they play in the
front yard only outside, not in each other's houses. But
they go off and it's and is that the sort
of thing you guys are recommending, Bethany, Is that what
(25:59):
you guys are doing with your two kids. Yeah, so
we've also done a pod um, but we it was
one that we've had. We've been in it since my
son was born, so almost ten years. But I love
the safe sex analogy because it does feel like when
we started the pandemic with these friends and family that
we live with, um, it was like, oh, you have coffee,
(26:19):
did you go into the store? How did you get
And it was this constant and so so much of
it was about the trust and communication just so much
like a relationship, in the relationship. And yet I'm still
I'm really concerned about my younger in particular, because I
know that so much of you know, preschool, kindergarten is
really about those early like ability to negotiate relationships and
(26:43):
be a good peer. And I would love to know
a little bit more about that age because I feel
like that's just that's like how do you simulate being
in a group and how do you teach that? Because
my son too, he's a big um you know, he's three,
and if he had started preschool like we had in ended,
you know, so much of it is about sharing and
caring and empathy. And he's a big grabber of other
(27:06):
people's toys and a hitter and things like that. Stuff
that he needed to work out in school. That is
really hard for him to work out with one kid.
You know, So what, yeah, tell us Dr Markham, what
what what do we do in this boat? I think
you can learn those skills with one kid. I think
you need a parent hovering by. You know, teachers are
(27:28):
used to working this out and so they have it down.
That's why they're effective at it. But it's not because
there are a lot of kids. In fact, hitters inviters
do it because they're threatened. Right, someone's taking their toys,
Someone's looking at their toy, right, and that threat is
going to rise if they're with more kids. So, in
some ways, taking the pressure off and having just one
child and helping him develop the words to say right.
(27:51):
So if the parent is hovering nearby and can say,
looks like you're worried, you know, Michael is not going
to take that toy home. Michael's using the toy yours,
And you can tell Michael we have to You can't
just say use your words. Three year olds, even six
year olds don't know what words to say. Right, you
can tell Michael, it's my turn first, then you can
have it. I'm almost done, right. So if we give
(28:13):
kids the words, they learned that and they can apply
those skills when they're in a larger group later. So
I'm not as worried about that. But I don't think. Yeah,
I do think that they can get overwhelmed in a
group later, that if they are never with anything, you know,
more than one child, that when they go into a
classroom with more kids, it's a little overwhelming. But again,
(28:35):
children are amazingly resilient. They will get used to it.
What really matters is for us to keep our cool
right and to be emotionally generous with them and to
support them. If we can do that, the kids that
age are going to be fine. Does that make you
feel better, Bethany, It really does, especially the the ideas
(28:55):
like that that practice one on one makes so much sense. Oh,
thank you. I do feel better. I feel like as
a parent, I'm managing my own emotions so much. And
then you know, as kids get older, they just they
(29:18):
understand more of what's happening. I've seen in my own kids,
and we have heard from our families. Um, you know,
seventy percent of kids say they feel worse than they
did before the pandemic, that they're scared more often, um,
and those things, they're just kind of heartbreaking as a
parent to be able to respond to and to keep
(29:38):
yourself positive. And I'd love to hear just if I
can ask a question, please. So the thing that I'm
really struggling with is when I'm down or not necessarily
feeling optimistic, how do I be real with my kid
but also provide him with a sense of hope and like,
you know that the future will be better. That's so
(30:00):
a great question for everyone listening. I think everyone feels
that way sometimes everyone, And so it's important that we
make sure that the bottom line is there's a foundation
under your child, right, they're not just floating in the
void with parents who don't know what they're doing. The
adults are not actually as clueless as we might sometimes seem.
(30:20):
And I think that's really important that that's the foundation is.
You know, I'm feeling blue today, I feel a little overwhelmed.
I'm worried about your grandmother. You know, it's COVID exposure
I'm it's awfully hard to be, you know, isolated for
this long, and you know you can say a few
things and then and then find something that you can
(30:43):
feel positive about, preferably something that has to do with
your child. So, but you know what the silver lining is,
it's so wonderful that I get more time with you.
I love spending time with you. I'm so lucky to
be your mom. So you're reaffirming the connection. And you say,
and you know what, when I feel blue like this,
I have found that it's everyone feels blue. Sometimes it's
(31:05):
okay to feel blue. It's good to let myself feel
that way and honor it. And I know things I
can do to support myself. So I feel better. I'm
going to work out this afternoon. That always makes me
feel more energized. I'm going to listen to a little
guided meditation before bed. In fact, we could listen to
one as a family before dinner. What do you think?
So let them see you have skills that you're using
(31:26):
that we all need to use. Problem so super helpful. Um,
this is a question we all need the answer to.
Screen time help help, Oh my god, this is I mean,
so now we're dealing with zoom school. Then kids, I'm
(31:47):
sure still the older kids still want their TV or
their mindcraft or whatever to like escape and just chill
out like parents do. I'm like, what am I supposed
to say? He wants TV? Yes, so do I. I'd
like to go down a rabbit hole of eight hours
of just like binge watching television. I'm not gonna lie.
I want to escape this hell we are currently in.
(32:07):
I think across the board and tell me Beth needs
everyone just using the TV to cope, like what's happening. Well,
we know that a screen use is just obviously shut up. Um,
it's almost doubled for most kids, you know what they
were before. And the hard part is that it's not
just that they're escaping, it's like we're giving it to them.
We're saying you have to be on UM. And so
(32:31):
I'm really struggling with it in our house. UM in
part in different ways. Sometimes it's like, no, don't make
me do it anymore. UM. And then the other side
of it is, oh my gosh, I watched this video
for school. Let me watch the next video that shows
up on YouTube. UM. So a lot of our work
right now is really focused on online safety to try
to help provide more tools from the tech companies because
(32:54):
things are actually set up for parents and for adults, right,
all of these things that encourage you to watch eight
hours of binge on Netflix or whatever. Um, you know,
it's set up to keep us hooked, and we have
to create better safety systems for our kids because there's
they're in that same environment now, but they don't know
that YouTube is just going to give them the next
thing and that is maybe not and probably not appropriate
(33:17):
for them to keep watching. You guys just posted on
Parents Together like a huge helpful. It was one of
those things that made me so relieved I didn't have
an older kid where I was like, oh my god,
that's right, like giving them the tablet or the phone
or whatever right now where you really need a break
or whatever. It's like it can be endless. I mean
just all the um what were you saying? Yeah, the
(33:39):
control the safety controls um Dr Markham, what do you
think about screen time? Or what I say to my
child is we can't do anymore because your brain will
turn to mush, which I don't think is a great
He laughs because he calls oatmeal also mush. And he
thinks it's hilarious. But I'm like, I tell him, I say,
I love your brain so much and I really wanted
(34:02):
to grow and change and have imagination and all these things.
So we're only going to have a little bit of TV,
you know. I don't know what the hell I'm pulling
it out of my what do I say? I think
that's great to say. I think what we want them
to have is other things in their life they love doing, right,
And remember, not all screen time is created equal. There's
(34:24):
screen time where you're just zoning out, which is not
great for kids. There's screen time where you're learning, and
there are ways for kids, even younger kids to learn online.
And then there's screen time where you're making things like
making videos or even TikTok, you know, and that's a
creative act or at true. So I wouldn't say all
screen time is created equal. I think what Bethany has
(34:46):
said about safety is all important, obviously, and then balance.
It's like everything else, if we go into it with
intention kids, I eat, you don't have to be regimented
to have some sort of a routine where kids know
what to expect. They like to know what to expect
and if they know that, they go outside every morning,
and they go outside again later, and they get time
(35:08):
to read with you, and they get you know whatever.
And as you're making dinner, they get some screen time.
Four o'clock is screen time, and of course you exercise
some control over what they're going to watch. That's completely fine.
It's sort of like you get dessert after you've eaten
healthy food, right, And I think we can explain it
that way. Ah, that makes me feel so much better. Um, Like,
(35:30):
I'm going to run through just a couple of quick
things that I think could be helpful about this home
schooling situation. Do you have any ideas either of you
how you've seen with your parents together or any of
your clients of like how to set up your child's
school zone no matter whether you're in a tiny apartment
or you're in a house or whatever. Like, what are
we seeing is the best sort of school situation for
(35:53):
kids at home right now? So at the beginning of
all this, we have a great group for parenting in
the Pandemic on Facebook, and people had all these colored
charts and they had it all together. And I think
stuff like that is actually toxic for families to see
because it sets these expectations. Yeah, not into it, don't
(36:14):
even go there. I can't. I would love it if
the pandemic was like just the end of mom shaming
and we all just said finally, you know what, We're
all just trying to survive and we're doing the best
we can. So color coded charts work for you great. Um,
But I think what we are seeing more and more
as people are just in survival mode. Right. So, but
there are some practices we know as grown ups even
(36:35):
that just help us. So what I'm trying to do
is like you get up, you get out of bed,
and that there's a routine that you're going and you're
not you know, and I see so many kids on
these zoom calls who are just kind of zoned out
and and I think, you just it's so hard to
keep the energy up. And so we're trying to figure
out like if there's a break, you go outside, if
there's a break, you do something, you do, jumping decks,
(36:57):
whatever it is, so that there's kind of energy and
we need I need that if I'm on calls all day. Um,
but I know that it does not require a special
like at sea level work room for your child to succeed.
It just requires a place where they can be focused
and quiet and be able to really get into the
work that's there. That's really helpful. And what do you think,
(37:18):
Dr Markham, anything from your clients that they have found useful.
I think this short spurts of learning followed by activity
is super important. You know, they can do a quick
family dance party with you, they can blow some bubble.
Sensory things are just as good as being active physically.
You can play a quick game of take off each
(37:40):
other's socks, you know, where you're on a soft surface
like a better a rug and you they're trying to
take off yours and you're trying to take off theirs,
and of course you let them win. And after that
it's amazing they've left, They've moved there, ready to sit
down and focus again. But in terms of setting up
their space, it's good if they have the same space
every day with everything they need. But you know, if
it's just a corner of your table, you know, you
(38:01):
can just have a little box, a cardboard box that
you bring over their stuff. That's fine. What they need
really is a parent nearby and that's hard for many
of us if we have other work we have to do,
other children to look after, But it helps if we're
there to keep them focused and they gradually can work
up to longer periods of focus. Wow, you guys, I'm
(38:27):
so blown away. Please tell me, Bethany Dr Markham things
I'm forgetting. Any other tips. I don't think you're missing anything.
I think you've you've hit the nail on the head
about what most families are experiencing. I think there is
something really important for parents to know, though, which is
that when their children look back on this time years
(38:47):
from now, what they're going to remember is how it
felt to them. They're not going to care about whether
they learned to read this year or next year. The
school thing is irrelevant. They might not even really be
aware that their parents were worried sick about money. You
know what. They're going to remember that they ate dinner
with their parents, that they had family dance parties, that
(39:07):
when they missed their friends or couldn't you know, play
soccer anymore or whatever, that their parents were there for
them and held them and hugged them and reassured them
and found ways to have fun, loving interactions with them.
It's all about the connection and that's something that's hard
for us to do when we're distracted. But that's why
(39:28):
what Bethany said is so important. Simplify pair back. What
matters is showing up in your home, keeping yourself on
an eating keel, and connecting with your child. Yes. Yeah,
And the thing I would say is just to come
back to that idea of action really being an antidote
to anxiety. That's like my mantra when I can't sleep, Katie.
(39:51):
It's brilliant. It's brilliant, and I'm so grateful to know
you to have that in my head. Yes, So action
fights anxiety, and I think that, um. For for me,
the key thing I just keep saying to all of
our families is the voting. This is the thing we
can do, you know, and that's voting for our president.
It's all of our senate races. There's so much at
(40:13):
stake in this election, and it is so critical that
parents show up and say, hey, remember us, like we're
really hurting and we really need federal support in particular. Um.
But for parents, you know, I think of like what
our parents do, well, well, we kind of figure out
how to keep everything organizing and get stuff done. And
this year, because of the pandemic Tinese silver lining, there's
(40:35):
just so many more ways that we can do early voting,
and so it's just like my key thing, get out there,
vote early, and then tell all your friends, Hey, I
did it? Did you do it? What's your plan? What
are you doing? What are you going? Did you do
mail in? You can do mail and there's so many options.
Many states now also have early voting without any excuse.
So that's like the top of my parental to do list.
(40:58):
After teach fifth grade, can parton and work and maybe
stay saying it's right right after those things. You are
an inspiration, both of you. It's so helpful to think
in terms of that. The goals in this pandemic with
your children are literally just connecting and supporting them and
(41:19):
loving them, and that's what they'll remember. And then my anxiety,
which I know everyone is struggling with tenfold right now,
is turn that anxiety into action. And the number one
thing we can do to affect change is to use
our voice. And the only way to use our voices
to vote. Thank you guys so much for being on
Katie's crib. I learned so much. Dr Markham Bethany, it
(41:44):
has been a pleasure to have you on the podcast
and and I think I just want to give such
a shout out again to all the parents and caretakers
out there who are doing their best and parents together
is an incredible, incredible organization, all of them on Instagram.
You guys have been such a help to me and
Aja parenting also the same. I can't speak enough to
(42:07):
both of what you guys are doing on the daily
regular So thank you for coming on Katie's Crib and
you guys am always curious about your questions, comments, concerns.
Email me Katie's Crib at Shanda land dot com. Thanks
for listening. Katie's Crib is a production of Shonda land
(42:31):
Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts
from Shanna land Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
I want you want to
Welcome to Katie's Crib, a production of Shonda Land Audio
in partnership with I Heart Radio. Welcome back to Katie's Crib.
Katie Lowe's here, or rather barely here. It's October. We're
in a pandemic, the election is fast approaching, and so
(00:23):
is my second baby. By the way, we're getting into
the marathon of the holidays, and oh yeah, there's that
little extra thing on our plate called school that is
really stressing moms out. So today we've invited some people
to help talk about all of these stressors with a
real emphasis on the school portion. Here are my special guests,
(00:43):
Dr Laura Markham of AJA Parenting and Bethany Robertson of
Parents Together. Welcome you guys. I'm so happy you're here.
Let's throw it to um. Dr Markham first, tell us, Okay,
you're a doctor, what do you do? Tell us a
little bit about AHA Parenting, and then we'll talk to
Bethany a little bit about Parents Together, and then we
(01:05):
can get into how you guys are going to help
all of our Kati's Crib listeners today. What I do
is I support parents to have the best possible relationship
with their children. And teach them how to coach their
kids so their kids learn skills to manage their own minds,
to manage their own anxiety, and to manage their behavior
(01:26):
so kids become more emotionally intelligent and are able to
show up in the world as their bestselves. What I
need to hire you personally from me and my child.
I first was introduced to you. You did a beautiful
short Instagram video with Natalie Portman UM and I saw
it on the Parents Together Instagram and it was just
(01:48):
very It was just a distresser, right, we all need
to distress. Yes, parents need to just give themselves a hug.
And actually you can just take your hands and put them,
just rub them on your arms and actually shifts your
body chemistry slows down the stress hormones. Guys, I'm doing
(02:09):
this right now, me and Dr Laura Markham are just
rubbing our arms and I'm feeling like I'm in a
much better place to host this episode. So thank you
for that. Um and Bethany tell us about Parents Together,
how you started it. Also, you're a mom yourself, how
old your kids are? Tell us a little bit about yourself. Yeah,
so I have two kids, ages five and ten. So
(02:31):
we're in the midst of kindergarten virtual learning and fifth
grade virtual learning, which are really different. Beast Um and
I started Parents Together along with an amazing team because
I wanted to be more politically active, but I knew
that her parents we have so much for managing. Even
before the pandemic, we all had so much to do,
(02:53):
and it's really hard to know what can I do
to really fight for my kids future and how do
I stand up for my child given all the the
things that I'm managing. So Parents Together is a force
of two point five million families around the country. Oh
my god. So we are working every day to support
each other getting through this with good parenting information and resources,
(03:14):
many of which we have Dr Marka to thank for, Um,
But we also provide easy, simple ways for people to
take action on things that matter to them. So that's
what we're doing. Incredible. I feel so lucky to have
you on the podcast because I feel like by you
running and managing something that has two point five million
families at your fingertips, I just feel like you you
(03:35):
have your figure tip is on the pulse of what
is happening with parents right now, which is incredible. Um,
So we've been talking a lot about how parents are
under an enormous amount of stress right now. Um, and
for a lot of families, virtual learning is just the
tip of the iceberg. I can't even believe some of
the trauma. It's illness right now, it's financial insecurity, it's
(03:57):
social isolation. Um, it's it's really survival mode is the
reality that the parents are looking at right now. Um.
What do you guys think about the mental health of kids? Like,
what what can what can adults do to support parents
in this situation? Maybe? Dr Markham? Okay, so kids are
(04:20):
out of their normal routine. Young children are fine as
long as their parents are okay. But what parent is
okay right now? As you said, it's a crash course
and uncertainty and fear and frustration and the isolation really
doesn't help. Humans are not meant to raise children in isolation.
(04:43):
Kids were older than that, we do need to find
ways for them to connect with other kids, either online
or even in person safely. And that's a big challenge,
right But I think that we can start always with
any age child. We can start with us because even
with teens, the more we're relaxed, comfortable, supportive, emotionally, generous, grounded.
(05:07):
The more we can show up for our kids at
any age, that's excellent. I have to keep reminding myself
to take care of me UM. And then we haven't
really done an episode specifically yet on school, which is
why I'm really excited that you're both here, one with
the pulse of two point five million families and one
who is a doctor. How are you helping parents like
(05:30):
really work life balance when everything is at home and
kids are home school to talk to me either one
jump in, Well, I would just say that the thing
that we are hearing the most is it's just it's
so overwhelming on every front, and just keeping it as
simple as possible seems to be the key, and really
staying connected to what matters. So I know that my
(05:51):
son has more than five hours of scheduled zoom calls
a day, which would kill any normal adult, right. It's
just way way too much. And so what we have
done with my fifth grader is to really hone in
on one of the smallest possible segments we can do
that really help him stay connected and up to date
on his learning UM, but also just be realistic that
(06:14):
that's that's not what works for most children or most humans. Um,
but a lot of people don't have the flexibility to
provide extra support to their kids on the side of
what the schools are offering. And I think it's it's
really important for us all to just be very patient
and have a lot of grace with each other, to
know that educators are doing everything they can to support us,
(06:36):
but also to ask educators to have a lot of
patients and understanding for the things that parents are really
dealing with on a day to day basis. Yeah, I
saw this crazy tweet that was like something like a
lot of women have had to either quit their jobs
because they are right now at home being facilitators of
the zoom classes, like making sure their children log in
(06:57):
and their their attendance is counted. And then I've heard
of only people who have extreme privilege who can hire
some COVID safe nanny or tutor to stand next to
your children. Like, what is happening? How how are we
supposed to sustain this? Like I I and I'm so
(07:18):
grateful because I have a three year old, so I'm
like whatever, But I I have a lot of friends
and they are struggling. Yeah, I think especially at the
younger ages. With my kindergartener, it is really almost impossible
to expect her to do what they're asking her to do.
And I very much understand it. They're trying to get
her on her way to reading and writing and all
(07:38):
of her peers with her um But I think that
we have to be on a fast track to really
focus on the kids that need the most help, and
then for the rest of them, we need to focus
on how do we help them get through this time
emotionally mentally healthy? And I would love to hear Dr
markhams to because I am struggling, and so are my kids,
and so are the millions of families we work with. Yes,
(08:00):
Dr Markham, how can we support our children through this time?
There was an article that was just released, the New
Parents Together Survey reveals that kids face mental health crisis
as pandemic enters six months. So it was an incredible article.
We can link to it in our crib notes. But
how do we support our children through this uncertainty, isolation, anxiety.
(08:23):
What's the most important thing we can do right now
for our kids mental health? Bethany and I want to know.
What we can do is pay attention to mental health,
to emotional well being. The schools are doing what they're
supposed to do. They're putting out the information to teach
kids in the best way they can. That's COVID safe.
That doesn't mean that it's the best thing for your child,
(08:45):
because in fact, academic learning, it's it's not appropriate develop
mentally to ask a fifth grader to be in front
of zoom for five hours, and it's certainly not developmentally
appropriate for a five or six year old to be
in front of zoom at all. So what should we
do well, First of all, minimize the amount of time
(09:06):
to your child is in school every child. No child
should go from bed to the breakfast table to the computer.
They need to be outside first. They need to run around,
they need to get grounded, They need to laugh. Laughter
reduces the stress hormones circulating in the body and increases
the bonding hormones and the feel good hormones, so they
actually feel better then when they do sit down to
(09:29):
connect with their teacher in their zoom class. Right, but
also keep that too, only the most important things. They
don't need to do the whole day. They need to
do a few things and then have lots of breaks
in between for free play, for time outside, for connection
with parents. Now that raises the question, how can the
(09:50):
parent have that connection time with their child if they
have a job to do. That's basically impossible, right, So again,
parents need to be on a split shift so that
one of them is the morning and one is the afternoon,
and they at least get some time to work without
their child there. If they're trying to hold down a job.
It is just an impossible time right now. But we
shouldn't be balancing that budget that that impossibility on our
(10:14):
children's backs. Kids do not need the academics right now.
They will actually get more out of free play, being
read to by their parents, you know, being outside, running around,
and a little bit of school assignment, right, a little
bit goes a long way. The thing that children who
(10:34):
are at risk are the ones who don't have a
parent who can spend any time with them. That's, of course,
the biggest problem with is a society face that we're
not dealing with very well, and those kids are not
showing up on zoom. Most of us are guilty of
letting our children go to bed too late during this pandemic. Actually, right, exactly,
and I think most parents have moved in that direction.
(10:56):
We actually need to get kids to bed at a
reasonable hour so they wake up in the more be
ready to learn, and then spend some time connecting with them.
Parents who are challenged at this moment are not necessarily
able to do that with their kids, and they don't
even necessarily have enough devices for each child to be
able to show up right. It's a whole it's unbelievable. Like,
(11:16):
I don't understand why we can't all just take a pause,
like can we just come back to school in like
a year? Like I don't know how people are doing this,
But of course I'm like, oh my god, I don't
want any of the teachers to be out of work,
and and I value, oh my gosh more than ever
what they're trying to do. But for a person who
has to hold down a job, what are you What
(11:40):
are the most comments and things like that? Are you getting,
Bethany from families together? Yeah, So the biggest thing that
we're hearing is just this such economic distress in our families.
People are just hurting. Um, you mentioned not having devices.
We hear from so many people who are saying, like
I can't afford to pay for the internet for the
homeschool because I need to. I'm trading off already on
(12:00):
bills and rent um. So you know, this gets a
little bit more to what we as parents can do.
But there's such a need for parents to stand up
and say this is not okay. We are struggling and
we've been abandoned, and really they're not. It's this isn't
like if I just do this a little bit better,
or if I just negotiate care a little bit differently,
Like I can't solve it myself. What we really desperately
(12:24):
need is more support for our family is through the
form of unemployment insurance and food support. Um. You know,
I think that's one of my key messages to families
around the country right now, is like, if you feel
really stressed and horrible and like you're failing at everything,
first you're not alone, and second it is not your fault. Um,
there is so much that we as a society should
(12:45):
be doing does help families in need. Um that we've
just said up, they'll figure it out, and it's actually
it's an impossible thing to figure out. So money literally
made me cry. So no, no, it's great, Like I'm
just I can't believe it. I can't believe we're here.
But you're right, it's not solvable. And yet every parent
(13:06):
I talked to, and I'm sure every parent out there,
just feels like for some reason it's their fault or
their failing they can't provide what needs to be provided.
But it's it's not possible, you know. I talked to
parents all over the world, and the parents in places
like France have a safety ned m. You know, no
(13:28):
one's worried about losing their job. They can take the
time to take care of their kids, to stay home
with them during COVID. It's it is a solvable problem.
It's just not solvable by individual families. It's solvable only
at the level of society. And it's it would be
having different priorities, it would be valuing families, right, I mean,
(13:49):
Katie said, of course, we don't want teachers to be
out of work, but we don't have to have our
teachers out of work. We can say we should have
first of all, said this summer, hey, something's going to
be a little different this year. Let's pay our teachers
to work all summer long to prepare for the school year. Um,
we didn't do that, but we could do that now.
We could say, let's pump money into our schools so
(14:11):
that we have the support and the individuals we need
to go out and get to those families who aren't
showing up on the zoom calls and let's support them
with extra love and resources and all the connections that
they need to services. And for the rest of the teachers.
You know, there are lots of different things that folks
can be doing to support kids and families. Right now,
it doesn't look like what we expect, and we haven't
put the time, the money, or the creativity into supporting
(14:34):
families and getting them what we need. How do we
change If we as individuals cannot change this system that
we are in and we don't know when we're getting
out of it, do we think that making changes has
to happen then on the voting level? Like is that
where we're saying? Yes? So I gear up as a mom?
(14:57):
How just too, how do you talk your kids about voting?
And I want to hear from both of you on this,
Like it makes me feel better when I read your
instagrams and I'm like, oh, I can like make this
a positive, exciting something in my control, even though I
know it's not, but thing to my kid tell me
about those posts, and because I do think this does
(15:19):
relate if we need to make big changes in how
our teachers are paid and how they're taken care of,
and how our families in need during this time, who
aren't getting unemployment, who have been fired, who you know,
who can't afford the internet? How do we help these people?
And we have to do it on a much bigger
level than the individual. So there's much One of the
(15:40):
things I love about voting. I mean, I'm a huge
and obviously of getting out there and using our own vote, um,
but it's such an amazing way to engage with our kids,
right they because what is government? What is money? What
our taxes? Like? It's so intangible for them, But voting
is this thing that they can really right because you
(16:01):
can show them. You can show them signs. You can say, oh,
look like, what are all these road signs about, or
what are these signs on these buildings? My kids are
asking me all the time, well, which one is that?
And what do they think about? And what are they for? Um?
So it's a really interesting moment to say like, well,
these are people who want to be our leaders, and
you know what do they stand for? Then we can
get real. We can say, well, these are the leaders
(16:22):
that I'm for and why it's such an amazing opportunity
to talk about what you value as a family, what's
important to you, what you're choosing to invest in. Um,
So who are you voting for and why? Like those
are okay conversations to have with our kids and they
can understand, um. But then there's the actual like what
is voting mean? So with younger kids, you know, maybe
(16:43):
it's voting on what we're going to have for dinner tonight.
I love it's it's a great vote, you know. And
so we're choosing together who has a vote? And how
does that work if some of us want one thing
and some of us want another, how do the numbers work? Um?
And then you know, the most important thing that parents
can do this year's vote early. We just we do
not know what election day is going to look like.
(17:06):
Uh So voting early means your kids can be a
part of it. You can vote by mail, you can
have your kid be a part of filling it out. Um.
Obviously you have to sign it as the voter. But
I can put this stamp on, they can put it
into the mailbox like they can really feel like a
part of that process. Um, you can also do early voting.
Definitely defer to parents and safety procedures and that, but
(17:28):
that is a nice way for parents to be able
to go when the lines are much lower, much less crowded.
I wouldn't take your kids, but you can talk to
them about going. You can give them the stickers after
you know, there are all these ways just to show
them that you are a voter and you use your
power as voter. What I was wearing up, it was like,
that's something adults do and it's not our problem. I
(17:49):
think this to involve my child in the positive ways
that we use our voice, that helps them translate that
to all different things that they vote for or stand
for or use their voice for. Well, in fact, it
helps their mental health. That's tell me, tell me, tell me,
Because there's research that shows that when children see injustice
(18:10):
in the world, if we communicate to them that well
that's just the way it is. There's nothing you can
really do about it, they become cynical. Whereas if we
say that is a tragedy that is so terrible that happened.
Let's talk about what our family could do to make
that better, even if it's something very small. You know,
(18:31):
they pack up their allowance and send it off to
people who suffered from a hurricane and lost their home. Whatever.
You know, they're you, they make cards, they you know,
do you know it doesn't have to be about money.
It can be about um, you know, sending a school
supply or or you know, even just talking about being
a citizen and voting empowers kids. And what we find
(18:55):
when children see that there's something they can do, even
something small, they become somebuddy who not only feels empowered
to make a difference, they're more likely to raise their
voice when they see injustice happening around them. So voting
and being a citizen should always be on our family's
agenda to talk about in a positive way. I love that.
(19:25):
I'm really stressed about holidays coming up, no Halloween, election.
How do I handle the stress of election? I've never
had a kid during an election before. Um, what are
their tips? Great question? So I think for everything that
(19:46):
we do as adults, we do need to take care
of our own emotions first, right, we if we're freaking out,
we need to find a way to talk ourselves off
the cliff. And everybody has. You know, the research shows
that working out and meditating and getting enough sleep and
not drinking too much, you know, eating a reasonable diet,
(20:07):
all of those things are important to stay grounded and
to keep our anxiety and check. And then there are
small things like you know, we just did the thing
with the arms. You can do e F T. Tapping
on your hand. You know, there are lots of little
things in the moment. Just breathing, just deep breathing. So
if you hear a news report and it sends your
(20:28):
blood pressure skyrocketing, stop, drop whatever it is, turn off
the radio, whatever, you know, whatever you're listening to in
the car, let's say, and take a deep breath, and
that shifts again, shifts your body chemistry, and you can
share with your child why you did that. You know,
listening to those ads, I don't think what they were
(20:50):
saying was true or I don't agree with that, and
it's and I feel like it's it's not helpful to
say those things. So I turned it off and I'm
going to take deep us and I'll read because reading
the paper actually is healthier than listening to that barrage
of information, right, And you can say things like that
to your child, but you can also ask them what
(21:11):
they think. What I didn't like about what they said
is they were they were trying to make us scared.
For instance, often that's something that happens with political ads.
They were trying to make us scared. But I don't
think that helps. I think we can all come together
as a society to take care of each other. That's
what I believe. What do you think? And you just
talked to your child's helpful? Taking nuts like crazy here?
(21:38):
Going back a little bit to the school portion, I'm
also curious, um in this time when kids are isolated,
I really want to know how to teach my three
year old how to be independent, play by himself. I
can't play with him anymore. Do for that? That's you
(21:58):
ease into it, right, So it's a developmental leap for
children to be able to play, to be in the
same room as you, the same space, focused on their
own work while you're focused on something else. You're being
there makes them feel safe so they can focus. Some
kids get to that pretty easily. Some kids, you know,
(22:19):
we were in their faces often when they're babies, and
they get used to us being there and being part
of everything they do, and it's actually not that helpful
to them. So you can have times in your day
where you always do that, where they have time that
they can just play free play time, right, and you're
with them, but you're doing something else. But you you
get them started on something. So you say, I'll help
(22:43):
you get started. What do you want to play with? And,
by the way, before you even do that, get them laughing.
Get them laughing first, because then they don't have stress
levels built up right that that they're able to focus
on something without meeting your support. And then you say,
what would you like to do? Let's say they want
to play with their legos? Great, and you help them
(23:05):
get started. You get the legos with them, you sit
with them, and you're really uh an assistant, You're really
just there if they need help. You're beaming at them,
you're pouring your love into them. And then you say, oh,
I just need to check something quickly, and you you
check something and you come back and you hover, but
(23:27):
you're doing something else. Got it. That's great, That's so great.
I love that mine, mine is like I'm gonna go pee.
That's why I always like I'm just gonna go pee.
My kid must think I have to pee all the time. Um,
how do we fill the void of the in person
social activity with classmates? That's my other big thing. Like
(23:50):
my kids not you know, not starting preschool, but for
kids that are on Zoom school that really needed that
emotional social learning. What what's happened? What's happening there? So
they do need to connect with other kids in order
to feel connected to the school. Right, So if you
can set up a learning buddy, that's really helpful, so
the kids can meet on Zoom to do assignments together,
(24:12):
quiz each other on their you know, spelling words or
you know, multiplication tables or whatever. It really helps if
they have someone just to go through whatever learning they're doing.
If they're writing book reports, they can be writing a
book report as they chat on Zoom about it. Right, Oh,
I'm gonna go look this up. Okay, So what was
(24:33):
the first thing we have to do? Oh? A synopsis?
What's that mean? Even? And they can chat back and forth.
Then then they don't feel so alone. It really helps
kids to feel engaged with a learning when they have
a learning buddy, and even when they have friends who
are not learning buddies. Just Zoom play dates are super helpful,
so you know, you don't really want them playing Minecraft
(24:54):
on something at east. When they play Minecraft, they connect
with the other children. You could, you know, get some
clay and the friend can have some clay and they
can make monsters together and show each other their monsters. Right,
They're all kinds of ways for kids to have play
dates on Zoom, even though we'd rather they could have
them in person. Do you guys suggest like, I mean,
I've been doing that. It's like safe sex, right, It's
(25:18):
like this whole thing is like trusting people that they're
making the choices you're making, and then selecting those people.
And you know, it was really hard at first because
the first family we potted up with it was a
great match for the parents, it was not a great
match for the toddlers. They don't play in similar ways
(25:39):
um at all, and it was actually stressful. Um. And
then since then we've one family. The parents are okay,
but the kids are gangbusters, and they play in the
front yard only outside, not in each other's houses. But
they go off and it's and is that the sort
of thing you guys are recommending, Bethany, Is that what
(25:59):
you guys are doing with your two kids. Yeah, so
we've also done a pod um, but we it was
one that we've had. We've been in it since my
son was born, so almost ten years. But I love
the safe sex analogy because it does feel like when
we started the pandemic with these friends and family that
we live with, um, it was like, oh, you have coffee,
(26:19):
did you go into the store? How did you get
And it was this constant and so so much of
it was about the trust and communication just so much
like a relationship, in the relationship. And yet I'm still
I'm really concerned about my younger in particular, because I
know that so much of you know, preschool, kindergarten is
really about those early like ability to negotiate relationships and
(26:43):
be a good peer. And I would love to know
a little bit more about that age because I feel
like that's just that's like how do you simulate being
in a group and how do you teach that? Because
my son too, he's a big um you know, he's three,
and if he had started preschool like we had in ended,
you know, so much of it is about sharing and
caring and empathy. And he's a big grabber of other
(27:06):
people's toys and a hitter and things like that. Stuff
that he needed to work out in school. That is
really hard for him to work out with one kid.
You know, So what, yeah, tell us Dr Markham, what
what what do we do in this boat? I think
you can learn those skills with one kid. I think
you need a parent hovering by. You know, teachers are
(27:28):
used to working this out and so they have it down.
That's why they're effective at it. But it's not because
there are a lot of kids. In fact, hitters inviters
do it because they're threatened. Right, someone's taking their toys,
Someone's looking at their toy, right, and that threat is
going to rise if they're with more kids. So, in
some ways, taking the pressure off and having just one
child and helping him develop the words to say right.
(27:51):
So if the parent is hovering nearby and can say,
looks like you're worried, you know, Michael is not going
to take that toy home. Michael's using the toy yours,
And you can tell Michael we have to You can't
just say use your words. Three year olds, even six
year olds don't know what words to say. Right, you
can tell Michael, it's my turn first, then you can
have it. I'm almost done, right. So if we give
(28:13):
kids the words, they learned that and they can apply
those skills when they're in a larger group later. So
I'm not as worried about that. But I don't think. Yeah,
I do think that they can get overwhelmed in a
group later, that if they are never with anything, you know,
more than one child, that when they go into a
classroom with more kids, it's a little overwhelming. But again,
(28:35):
children are amazingly resilient. They will get used to it.
What really matters is for us to keep our cool
right and to be emotionally generous with them and to
support them. If we can do that, the kids that
age are going to be fine. Does that make you
feel better, Bethany, It really does, especially the the ideas
(28:55):
like that that practice one on one makes so much sense. Oh,
thank you. I do feel better. I feel like as
a parent, I'm managing my own emotions so much. And
then you know, as kids get older, they just they
(29:18):
understand more of what's happening. I've seen in my own kids,
and we have heard from our families. Um, you know,
seventy percent of kids say they feel worse than they
did before the pandemic, that they're scared more often, um,
and those things, they're just kind of heartbreaking as a
parent to be able to respond to and to keep
(29:38):
yourself positive. And I'd love to hear just if I
can ask a question, please. So the thing that I'm
really struggling with is when I'm down or not necessarily
feeling optimistic, how do I be real with my kid
but also provide him with a sense of hope and like,
you know that the future will be better. That's so
(30:00):
a great question for everyone listening. I think everyone feels
that way sometimes everyone, And so it's important that we
make sure that the bottom line is there's a foundation
under your child, right, they're not just floating in the
void with parents who don't know what they're doing. The
adults are not actually as clueless as we might sometimes seem.
(30:20):
And I think that's really important that that's the foundation is.
You know, I'm feeling blue today, I feel a little overwhelmed.
I'm worried about your grandmother. You know, it's COVID exposure
I'm it's awfully hard to be, you know, isolated for
this long, and you know you can say a few
things and then and then find something that you can
(30:43):
feel positive about, preferably something that has to do with
your child. So, but you know what the silver lining is,
it's so wonderful that I get more time with you.
I love spending time with you. I'm so lucky to
be your mom. So you're reaffirming the connection. And you say,
and you know what, when I feel blue like this,
I have found that it's everyone feels blue. Sometimes it's
(31:05):
okay to feel blue. It's good to let myself feel
that way and honor it. And I know things I
can do to support myself. So I feel better. I'm
going to work out this afternoon. That always makes me
feel more energized. I'm going to listen to a little
guided meditation before bed. In fact, we could listen to
one as a family before dinner. What do you think?
So let them see you have skills that you're using
(31:26):
that we all need to use. Problem so super helpful. Um,
this is a question we all need the answer to.
Screen time help help, Oh my god, this is I mean,
so now we're dealing with zoom school. Then kids, I'm
(31:47):
sure still the older kids still want their TV or
their mindcraft or whatever to like escape and just chill
out like parents do. I'm like, what am I supposed
to say? He wants TV? Yes, so do I. I'd
like to go down a rabbit hole of eight hours
of just like binge watching television. I'm not gonna lie.
I want to escape this hell we are currently in.
(32:07):
I think across the board and tell me Beth needs
everyone just using the TV to cope, like what's happening. Well,
we know that a screen use is just obviously shut up. Um,
it's almost doubled for most kids, you know what they
were before. And the hard part is that it's not
just that they're escaping, it's like we're giving it to them.
We're saying you have to be on UM. And so
(32:31):
I'm really struggling with it in our house. UM in
part in different ways. Sometimes it's like, no, don't make
me do it anymore. UM. And then the other side
of it is, oh my gosh, I watched this video
for school. Let me watch the next video that shows
up on YouTube. UM. So a lot of our work
right now is really focused on online safety to try
to help provide more tools from the tech companies because
(32:54):
things are actually set up for parents and for adults, right,
all of these things that encourage you to watch eight
hours of binge on Netflix or whatever. Um, you know,
it's set up to keep us hooked, and we have
to create better safety systems for our kids because there's
they're in that same environment now, but they don't know
that YouTube is just going to give them the next
thing and that is maybe not and probably not appropriate
(33:17):
for them to keep watching. You guys just posted on
Parents Together like a huge helpful. It was one of
those things that made me so relieved I didn't have
an older kid where I was like, oh my god,
that's right, like giving them the tablet or the phone
or whatever right now where you really need a break
or whatever. It's like it can be endless. I mean
just all the um what were you saying? Yeah, the
(33:39):
control the safety controls um Dr Markham, what do you
think about screen time? Or what I say to my
child is we can't do anymore because your brain will
turn to mush, which I don't think is a great
He laughs because he calls oatmeal also mush. And he
thinks it's hilarious. But I'm like, I tell him, I say,
I love your brain so much and I really wanted
(34:02):
to grow and change and have imagination and all these things.
So we're only going to have a little bit of TV,
you know. I don't know what the hell I'm pulling
it out of my what do I say? I think
that's great to say. I think what we want them
to have is other things in their life they love doing, right,
And remember, not all screen time is created equal. There's
(34:24):
screen time where you're just zoning out, which is not
great for kids. There's screen time where you're learning, and
there are ways for kids, even younger kids to learn online.
And then there's screen time where you're making things like
making videos or even TikTok, you know, and that's a
creative act or at true. So I wouldn't say all
screen time is created equal. I think what Bethany has
(34:46):
said about safety is all important, obviously, and then balance.
It's like everything else, if we go into it with
intention kids, I eat, you don't have to be regimented
to have some sort of a routine where kids know
what to expect. They like to know what to expect
and if they know that, they go outside every morning,
and they go outside again later, and they get time
(35:08):
to read with you, and they get you know whatever.
And as you're making dinner, they get some screen time.
Four o'clock is screen time, and of course you exercise
some control over what they're going to watch. That's completely fine.
It's sort of like you get dessert after you've eaten
healthy food, right, And I think we can explain it
that way. Ah, that makes me feel so much better. Um, Like,
(35:30):
I'm going to run through just a couple of quick
things that I think could be helpful about this home
schooling situation. Do you have any ideas either of you
how you've seen with your parents together or any of
your clients of like how to set up your child's
school zone no matter whether you're in a tiny apartment
or you're in a house or whatever. Like, what are
we seeing is the best sort of school situation for
(35:53):
kids at home right now? So at the beginning of
all this, we have a great group for parenting in
the Pandemic on Facebook, and people had all these colored
charts and they had it all together. And I think
stuff like that is actually toxic for families to see
because it sets these expectations. Yeah, not into it, don't
(36:14):
even go there. I can't. I would love it if
the pandemic was like just the end of mom shaming
and we all just said finally, you know what, We're
all just trying to survive and we're doing the best
we can. So color coded charts work for you great. Um,
But I think what we are seeing more and more
as people are just in survival mode. Right. So, but
there are some practices we know as grown ups even
(36:35):
that just help us. So what I'm trying to do
is like you get up, you get out of bed,
and that there's a routine that you're going and you're
not you know, and I see so many kids on
these zoom calls who are just kind of zoned out
and and I think, you just it's so hard to
keep the energy up. And so we're trying to figure
out like if there's a break, you go outside, if
there's a break, you do something, you do, jumping decks,
(36:57):
whatever it is, so that there's kind of energy and
we need I need that if I'm on calls all day. Um,
but I know that it does not require a special
like at sea level work room for your child to succeed.
It just requires a place where they can be focused
and quiet and be able to really get into the
work that's there. That's really helpful. And what do you think,
(37:18):
Dr Markham, anything from your clients that they have found useful.
I think this short spurts of learning followed by activity
is super important. You know, they can do a quick
family dance party with you, they can blow some bubble.
Sensory things are just as good as being active physically.
You can play a quick game of take off each
(37:40):
other's socks, you know, where you're on a soft surface
like a better a rug and you they're trying to
take off yours and you're trying to take off theirs,
and of course you let them win. And after that
it's amazing they've left, They've moved there, ready to sit
down and focus again. But in terms of setting up
their space, it's good if they have the same space
every day with everything they need. But you know, if
it's just a corner of your table, you know, you
(38:01):
can just have a little box, a cardboard box that
you bring over their stuff. That's fine. What they need
really is a parent nearby and that's hard for many
of us if we have other work we have to do,
other children to look after, But it helps if we're
there to keep them focused and they gradually can work
up to longer periods of focus. Wow, you guys, I'm
(38:27):
so blown away. Please tell me, Bethany Dr Markham things
I'm forgetting. Any other tips. I don't think you're missing anything.
I think you've you've hit the nail on the head
about what most families are experiencing. I think there is
something really important for parents to know, though, which is
that when their children look back on this time years
(38:47):
from now, what they're going to remember is how it
felt to them. They're not going to care about whether
they learned to read this year or next year. The
school thing is irrelevant. They might not even really be
aware that their parents were worried sick about money. You
know what. They're going to remember that they ate dinner
with their parents, that they had family dance parties, that
(39:07):
when they missed their friends or couldn't you know, play
soccer anymore or whatever, that their parents were there for
them and held them and hugged them and reassured them
and found ways to have fun, loving interactions with them.
It's all about the connection and that's something that's hard
for us to do when we're distracted. But that's why
(39:28):
what Bethany said is so important. Simplify pair back. What
matters is showing up in your home, keeping yourself on
an eating keel, and connecting with your child. Yes. Yeah,
And the thing I would say is just to come
back to that idea of action really being an antidote
to anxiety. That's like my mantra when I can't sleep, Katie.
(39:51):
It's brilliant. It's brilliant, and I'm so grateful to know
you to have that in my head. Yes, So action
fights anxiety, and I think that, um. For for me,
the key thing I just keep saying to all of
our families is the voting. This is the thing we
can do, you know, and that's voting for our president.
It's all of our senate races. There's so much at
(40:13):
stake in this election, and it is so critical that
parents show up and say, hey, remember us, like we're
really hurting and we really need federal support in particular. Um.
But for parents, you know, I think of like what
our parents do, well, well, we kind of figure out
how to keep everything organizing and get stuff done. And
this year, because of the pandemic Tinese silver lining, there's
(40:35):
just so many more ways that we can do early voting,
and so it's just like my key thing, get out there,
vote early, and then tell all your friends, Hey, I
did it? Did you do it? What's your plan? What
are you doing? What are you going? Did you do
mail in? You can do mail and there's so many options.
Many states now also have early voting without any excuse.
So that's like the top of my parental to do list.
(40:58):
After teach fifth grade, can parton and work and maybe
stay saying it's right right after those things. You are
an inspiration, both of you. It's so helpful to think
in terms of that. The goals in this pandemic with
your children are literally just connecting and supporting them and
(41:19):
loving them, and that's what they'll remember. And then my anxiety,
which I know everyone is struggling with tenfold right now,
is turn that anxiety into action. And the number one
thing we can do to affect change is to use
our voice. And the only way to use our voices
to vote. Thank you guys so much for being on
Katie's crib. I learned so much. Dr Markham Bethany, it
(41:44):
has been a pleasure to have you on the podcast
and and I think I just want to give such
a shout out again to all the parents and caretakers
out there who are doing their best and parents together
is an incredible, incredible organization, all of them on Instagram.
You guys have been such a help to me and
Aja parenting also the same. I can't speak enough to
(42:07):
both of what you guys are doing on the daily
regular So thank you for coming on Katie's Crib and
you guys am always curious about your questions, comments, concerns.
Email me Katie's Crib at Shanda land dot com. Thanks
for listening. Katie's Crib is a production of Shonda land
(42:31):
Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts
from Shanna land Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
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