October 16, 2025 • 63 mins
After being warned in no uncertain terms, "DO NOT ROB THE PIPER LORDS," and "DO NOT JOIN THE PIPER LORDS," the gang figures out how to join and rob the Piper Lords.
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✂️ This Episode's Outtakes & Extras ✂️
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This episode edited by the Larks and Wray Van Winkle.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
So this past week my work required that I once again
complete our security certification.
And I don't mind's coming up too, brother.
Yeah, yeah. And it made me realize
something. It's like we have never had a
cybersecurity certification as acompany shit our cybersecurity
(00:20):
score as a company. 0. Zero.
That's true. Absolutely 0.
This is terrible. Should we be saying this in the
podcast or is that another breach of?
Sorry, Kat didn't mean. To ruin.
Damn it. Well, OK, you know what?
It's already. Here it's already.
Out we should we should do some exercises to make sure that like
(00:40):
we're more secure. Exactly that was my thought is
today I wanted to go through some statements, a quiz here on
cybersecurity readiness. OK.
So the first question is about fishing.
The factors of fishing so. Yeah, my grandpa takes me
fishing. Wow, so an e-mail from your boss
asks for the name, address and credit card of one of your
(01:03):
company's top clients. The e-mail says it's urgent and
we should please reply right away.
You should reply right away. True or false?
Oh, definitely. Yeah, it's an urgent one.
Absolutely. It's my my boss is asking for
that so. Which one of us is the boss?
No, we we all have a boss, Yeah.God.
(01:24):
This isn't the Lord Jesus Christ.
Our boss. Our boss.
Oh, that boss. Yeah, the boss.
The boss. The boss.
The boss. Sorry, stupid of me.
No wonder are cyber security so bad.
Don't even know who our fucking boss is bro.
We got that one right. True.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that one, right.
Definitely. I think that is.
We can check that one off the. True.
(01:44):
Correct. Yeah, don't even look to see
because we know. Let's see another question here.
Let's look at a question about ransomware.
I don't have a joke about that ransom.
What? What does ransomware?
Which of these best described nobody?
Liked it that way, I just. Had to think about it, sorry.
I wasn't looking at you and therefore I couldn't comprehend.
(02:05):
Anything you were saying? I'm trying to administer our
cybersecurity. Win.
This is Siri. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I just I make jokes when I get nervous.
You need to lock in. OK, OK.
What Ransom wears is of utmost importance.
This is of utmost importance. If you encounter A ransomware
(02:27):
attack, the first thing you should do is pay the ransom.
True or false? But you don't get your stuff
back if you don't pay the ransom, Yeah.
But it's an attack. Is he asking for money or is he?
Attacking us, If it's an attack,I would pay.
Does he want clothes? Yeah, I mean, it's different
because if he's asking for money, then he should not attack
us yet, you know? Yeah, Yeah.
(02:48):
I don't think you can really. Like if you're like already
stabbing someone, you can't, youcan't be like, give me your
money, I'm stabbing you. It's like I think that Ransom
should. He's asking first.
He needs to work on his shit. What's he's selling his his
clothes. He's selling something now.
Well, he's asking for money, I assume.
So he's like, here, you got to buy my sweater.
(03:08):
Right now. But he's he's only 10. 99 It's a
really good deal. That might work.
You need a new sweater. Yours is full of holes just like
you're cyber. I don't like this fucking.
Kind of like this ransom guy. Yeah, he.
Seems. Cool, he seems.
Cool, he can break into our company.
(03:29):
Yeah, I mean, maybe we should get him on.
We should. Get him on the cast.
Get him on the power on. This podcast, let's go.
Come on, Ransom. It's the four of us and then an
open computer that just says payone Bitcoin.
It can happen. Yeah, Cat, what's next?
Let's see, Yeah, we got that onecovered.
Promoting physical security includes protecting A only paper
(03:52):
files, B only paper files and any computer on which you store
copies of these files. C only paper files, flash drives
and point of sale devices. D All of the above.
Any other device. What about us?
Yeah, what about us? What?
Are you saying physical security?
Right, none of this actually covers the true physical
(04:14):
security having. That valuable assets in the
company. You guys look around the page
because I know that there's an option E look around the page.
They don't have anything here about hiring.
Not about. Cat looking around your iPad,
you guys. This is crazy.
Ransom stabbed me like 10 times.No, I know, right?
I know because like he's an integral part of the team.
(04:35):
But we do need physical. I think I think Kevlar like if
we all just start full body. Kevlar would be good we.
Should probably also have guns on our persons at.
All times. At all times.
This is America, yeah. This is, so that's necessary.
For sure we should be hiring a squad of martial arts masters,
yes. I think night vision goggles
(04:55):
would be helpful. For us and the martial arts
squad. Enter this into the other
category, Cat. I'll write this all down, yeah.
We're writing it down. We're writing it down.
It's an essay question. We're now giving them advice,
yeah. They don't know anything.
Seems confusing. Yeah, seems maybe this ftc.gov
website doesn't know shit about.Cybersecurity.gov.
(05:18):
That explains it, yeah. OK.
Well, everybody, I think that after taking this quiz, we can
now say we have 100% cybersecurity.
Yeah, the holes in the system, except the ones that Ransom
stabbed. Well, we we probably have Ransom
take the quiz too, but we. I don't think that's.
Who wants to ask me? Yeah, who wants to that's.
Ransom. OK, we'll get the Kevlar first
(05:39):
and then. Ransom is refusing to give us
access to any of our devices or files until we pay him $100
million in NFTS. So.
So I guess since we're locked out of all of our devices until
Ransom gives us access back, let's play some Blades in the
Dark. Hello, my name is Kat and I am a
(06:29):
cyber security expert. Hi, my name is Noelle.
I play Pepper and she's a rail Jack and she would never share a
password with anyone ever. She would not do it.
Wow, that's not foreshadowing. Hi, my name is Juniper, I play
Valerian and I think he would give out any password that he
(06:53):
knew to anyone he met. Great.
Ever wouldn't even tell herself she wouldn't even know the
passwords. He would make up passwords and
give them to people. Give out more passwords than
even existed. Yeah, yeah, dude.
I'm Errol and I play Friedrich Vice and I would do a secret
third thing with passwords. So I'll let you think about what
(07:15):
that might be. That's.
Cool. Nice.
That's cool. OK.
That's perverted. Well, you'll never know.
All right, so last time you guysfinished up your downtime
activities and we entered into the free play stage of the game
and you guys got to know each other.
You did a little team building, ghost summoning, you measured
your room to prepare for booby traps, and then you went out to
(07:37):
see what the next World has in store for you, and it turned out
to be nothing. The world that the train has
landed in is completely dead, leaving the three of you in a
bit of a lurch as you need to find another memento for the
Ringmaster. After going out into the toxic
wasteland and trying to find something of value using
Pepper's ghost abilities, you saw the Piper Lords out there
(07:59):
digging up the only surviving relic that the ghost would point
you to. You have decided to infiltrate
the Piper Lords in an attempt toacquire that relic, so Pepper
went to check in with Stella of the Hemlock Hands, who Friedrich
did try to blow up once. But now you guys are like,
you're fine, it's fine, don't worry about it.
So this is fine. These are fine.
(08:20):
Pepper flirted some information out of Stella and found out that
the Piper Lords are a brutal organization that allows the
more senior members to feed new recruits to the train rather
than pay the fare themselves, which is an unpleasant but not
unheard of practice here in Never Nowhere.
Valerian then decided to go and meet the leader of the Piper
(08:41):
Lords himself to try and get thelay of the land with them, and
discovered that their leader, Basil Ratmasy, he is in fact a
sentient man shaped swarm of rats.
And that's where you are now. I knew it.
He's a trench coat full of rats.Oh yeah.
Shit and the rats swarm in an ever moving pattern to maintain
his shape. And his name is Basil.
(09:03):
Yes, and he reaches out a hand to you, and you can see that
each of his fingers is the entwined, braided tails of a
series of rats. Whoa.
And not hot rat guy. Begged a difference.
And he says if it isn't. The.
Emperor come to join us, and he holds on his hand as if he
(09:29):
expects you to kiss it. I shake it.
And the rats squirm in your grip.
And so is it like how many rats per finger?
Is this like one rat per finger?Is the braided tails of several
rats make up each of his fingers.
Braided. Yeah, like they're twisted
together. OK.
Valerian doesn't actually let go.
He pulls it in closer to inspect.
(09:51):
Hazel gives a raspy laugh. I see you're not squeamish.
That's good. I am fast.
Is this some type of magic? Are you literally rats or are
you a man possessing the rats? It is an old curse.
I hopped aboard the train hopingto outrun it, but unfortunately
(10:15):
that hag's magic has followed meand now I'm simply embraced what
I am now. Fascinating.
Good for you. How does Valerians rat react to
these rats? Yeah.
Your rat is freaking the fuck. Out.
Yeah, I pat my little rat. The rat seems like it both wants
(10:35):
to run and also wants to jump into the rats.
The rats. That make up Basil OK like it
both knows that like it shouldn't do that but it but.
It like feels compelled, feels compelled.
Glad he's in the cage. Can I pick a rat off of Basil?
What happens if I? If you try to pick a rat, so you
just like try and like extract arat from.
Him, it doesn't feel like that he would he.
(10:56):
Would say. I think first he would say, may
I pick a rat? And he like holds his hand out
to you for you to attempt to take.
A rat and I want to just try. Yeah, and as soon as you extract
one, that rat turns its head andbites down hard.
Feisty little creature. They don't like to be parted
(11:17):
from me. That is fascinating.
That's a fascinating curse you have, Sir.
I appreciate. Someone who is not overly
sensitive to these things, perhaps you could be a useful
member of our team, Yovis tells me.
You've been inhabiting Nods old rooms, and we had our eye on
(11:41):
that space. It might make a well, it's a
very good location for a shop and we're trying to expand our
operations, the gambling and thedrinking and makes good money,
but the drugs, it'd be nice to have a dedicated storefront for
the trucks. Yes, I'm familiar with
(12:03):
libations. You are not even scratching the
surface when you say libations. We travel through so many worlds
my dear boy. So many different ways to leave
your body behind and experience true wonder, true fascination,
(12:30):
true joy. Bill, are you able to partake in
these libations without the body?
Do the rats eat? I'm.
So fascinated by you, I want to take you apart.
Say it with affection. I think we understand each
other. You're about to get the rat
(12:51):
pussy. Nobody.
Get that rat pussy. Buddy, you know.
It you know it. The rat to see.
The rat to see. The rat to see.
I'll put it like this, when you have 1000 mouths, you can take
(13:11):
1000 to different trucks. I'm just reminding all the
little rats with their own cigarettes.
Oh. My.
God I love this guy. Me too.
I'm I'm obsessed with him now. When you say you could take 1000
drugs, does each rat have a different reaction?
(13:34):
Do you feel them individually oris it all one combined drug fest
in a metaphysical body that is made-up of rats?
If you're really so interested, there is a scholar out in
Kendall Hall of I answered all of these questions for a Rodem,
(13:57):
a paper of some kind, and I think he's dead now, but I'm
sure somebody, maybe Chorp, has a copy of the paper.
Thank you. I will take a look at that.
I know someone who might be veryinterested in.
He's like a science guy, yes. So I.
Consult. I've got a few of those myself
(14:18):
in here. They are weird.
They are very strange but have their uses.
If you were your science guy is looking for some work.
I always need more. Noted.
I'll I'll check with my weird guy.
So what can I say to have you join our merry band?
(14:41):
What could I interest you in? Well, I'd like to know the
hierarchy, the expectations placed on individuals, the rate
of upwards momentum within the business.
You're a businessman. I appreciate that, but it's all
very, very boring. I was an emperor.
(15:03):
I know a lot about upwards mobility.
I'm. Sure.
You do. Why don't you go ahead and going
to roll? Yeah, yeah.
When are you going to roll for this?
Yeah, I think I'll do Sway because it just gives me a
better chance for. Sure, sure.
So you're, you're trying to swayhim into telling you about the
inner workings of his organization, which he he
doesn't really want to do because as we've already learned
(15:24):
from Pepper, it's a pretty predatory organization.
It's a. Pretty predatory organization,
yeah. But I I want to know if there's
anything I can do to kind of like keep myself safe. 4.
OK, that is going to just get you some standard amount of
information, OK? And he settles back and he sort
of waves a hand at you, which squirms as he waves it.
(15:47):
He says that's. All.
Boring details, but I'll give you the summary.
As you may be able to infer, we are a Rat eat rat organization.
So one might say, yeah, when youfirst join, you'll be expected
to take care of those who took care of you.
(16:09):
If we are called upon to pay thefare.
Or most junior members will bearthat brunt, for they have not
been here long and they have notyet given up anything of
themselves to the train. However, as soon as you recruit
someone in, they will pay for you, and if they recruit someone
(16:31):
in, that person pays for them. And in that way the best rise to
the top. And those who cannot make it,
well, they feed the train. Something we all must strive to
do. And so what's the initial
incentive to join? Three hats and a cat kid.
(16:55):
What if I really have 3 hots in the cart?
Protection from who? And he leans forward and grins,
and you can see all the sharp little rat teeth line up to form
a grin. You see Valerian's eyes light
up. Says protection from us, kid.
(17:17):
Then it's what I thought, OK. Now I'll say this much, you've
got something that we want and and for that I may be more
inclined to offer you certain advantages.
We got a cow herd in. I don't think he's going to last
(17:38):
anyway, so I could put him belowyou, give you a leg up.
Right, that's not bad. But you'd have to give us your
space first. Don't worry, we have barracks
where we can house you. We will put you away from the
cows. Now what if I wanted to keep my
(17:58):
space? Then I think.
But what if I agreed to let you utilize it in whatever manner
use of it while I continue to live there and help you run the
organization from that space? You are getting ahead of
(18:19):
yourself. I don't think that I am.
I already have the space. Well, Valerian, you must
understand that you are not negotiating from the place of
power that you think you are. You may be in that space now,
but there's only what, you one weird guy?
(18:40):
I heard you've got a girl hanging around.
She's very strong. I've seen her RIP people apart.
That is not an exaggeration. I'm.
Also, the guy exploded somebody once.
It's crazy. Right there are nuts.
Yolvis. And Yolvis has been standing
(19:01):
behind you this whole time, his arms crossed.
Yolvis. Where is Shunt the song?
Yolvis looks over the edge of the balcony and he says hey,
there he is shop. You look over the balcony and
you see a very tall man unfold from one of the seating booths
(19:23):
and he looks across at you and he is unnaturally gangly with
very thin long limbs and hands and feet that are large enough
they would almost look comical if it didn't look so much like
something that had stepped out of a horror movie.
He wears a blank mask that covers all of his face except
(19:45):
for one eye hole and the mask has a very thin spiral pattern
starting from the center and going out.
Yovis gestures to him and the man chomped the song.
He steps 1 foot on the edge of his balcony seat and just does a
straight leap across. You feel very cold when this
(20:06):
happens and you Valerian becauseyou have a little bit of that
magical sight having come from aa world of magic.
You see ghosts seem to sort of like hold him up in the air as
he jumps across. OK.
Basil gestures forward and chomp.
The song looms over you and you can see up into his mask.
(20:27):
You see one yellow eye rolling around erratically behind the
mask. This is all just turning
valerian on. And he says.
Shromp, can you show him what you can do?
Basil sort of shakes a hand out and a rat just pops out of the
(20:48):
mask and lands on the table in front of you, and then Shromp
points at it and the rat explodes.
Oh, Valyrian claps. In just a gory mist.
Oh, very good, Sir. Yes.
Yes, wow. My pride and joy, Trump is.
That's your son, That's your child, your baby boy.
(21:10):
All of those who Ioffer protection to are my children.
Would that be me if you offered protection to me?
Of course. So here's the thing, I don't
want to give up the house. It's my little horse apartment.
I'm really attached to it. However, I have no issue with
(21:31):
you running any business that you want out of it.
You could have access to it. I just want it to be a place
where I'm still able to go and sleep and be safe.
I have no issue with anything else that you would wish to do
with the space. I see, well, if you truly wish
to join us. Oh, I did have one more
(21:54):
question. So I have to get other people to
join. Do they have to join willingly
or can I coerce? Them I don't give a shit.
Wonderful. OK.
Now, I think that we might be able to come to some type of an
(22:14):
arrangement, but first you wouldneed to prove your loyalty.
After all, you weren't recruitedby somebody in this merry band,
so I have no assurance that you would keep your word to us.
And what would I need to do to prove my loyalty to you?
(22:37):
I think I could come up with a job for you.
Can I just give you my pinky? They grow back.
Then that is absolutely no value.
Nothing lost, nothing gained. No, I have a task that needs
doing. Those pricks out in the canal,
(22:58):
they got to our prize back in Afatria before we could.
I don't mind a little competition, but I hate losing.
Now are these What did they takeone to?
Who are they? The Brightwater Collective,
(23:21):
there are business rivals there.They run a vice den out in the
canal. They took a shipment of, oh,
what was it called? Darisetum Yogis pipes in and by
the way shop is still there, good shop is still there and he
(23:44):
is still just looming over you looking like directly down I.
Like him? Can I hold his hand?
I'm going to reach out and hold his hand.
He he moves his hand away from you.
He does not want to be touched. OK, sorry about that.
I just I. Can't wait to see him in the
circus. You seemed like you needed some
reassurance. Anyways, continue.
It's Teracetam. It was used in some rituals
(24:07):
there. Priests, Mystic hallucinations,
that whole thing. But a drug's a drug and a
hallucinogen. Well, I know Bright Waters, they
specialize in those. But my chemists, my weird guys,
I think they could make something a little more fun out
of it. But they got there first and
(24:29):
they took the whole shipment, didn't leave anything to share.
Wasted couple young souls on it.I think one of them fell under
the wheels and he. Makes eye contact with Yovis,
who nods. Poor kid.
Well, not my problem anymore. I want the daricetum.
You don't need to get all of it,but enough that we can undercut
(24:53):
their profits, squeeze them out.You don't need me to kill
anybody or anything. If you kill any of them on the
way, I'll call it a bonus. OK, it's all right.
I'll, I'll, let's see what I cando for you.
Take the coward with you when you go.
The cow Now are you saying coward or cow herd?
(25:14):
Second one, he's got cows he brought.
Them with literal cows. Yeah.
That's 4. You'll have to ask him about it.
He'll give you a long speech. This is the guy who would be
under me. Yeah.
OK, a herd of cows. And as what are we?
(25:35):
Talking about the cowherds goingto come work for Valerian.
Yeah, I'm inheriting A cowherd, a man with a herd also.
Presumably you're inheriting the.
Cows and the cows as well. OK.
Now I just want to be crystal clear.
I get this. What was it called for you
again? Daracetam.
Daracetam enough for you to be able to have your weird guys do
(25:55):
stuff with it. And in exchange, I get that
cowherd guy and I get to live inmy house, apartment I already
have. And you will have your people
running drugs and whatever you like out of it as a shop.
That's the deal. And then I'm in the Piper ones.
That's the deal. Yes, correct.
(26:16):
All good. We'll work out the specifics
once proved your loyalty to me, Ylvis, take him.
I'm done with him. OK.
Hey everybody, it's Errol. I'm here wearing my noise
(26:39):
cancelling headphones and I've lit several candles.
Don't worry, they're soy wax based and I've already
researched all your allergies. Unless your allergy is soy wax.
Fuck. I was trying really hard to come
up with a theme for this mid roll and then I realized it was
right in front of my face this whole time.
(26:59):
I had to edit out a lot of them heated talk about giant birds,
rat men, the ratmussy, etcetera in this episode because for
whatever reason there was just areally powerful energy
manifesting. So before it becomes fully
illegal, I'm bringing you a sultry mid roll.
(27:22):
Don't tell MasterCard or Steam or Patreon or the Apple Store.
As you all know, I'm a really great, everyman and unbiased
arbiter of what is considered universally sensual.
Things like sock garters, sea monsters, overly complicated
(27:43):
slapstick routines, facts about silent film actors.
I could go on. But I have work to do, and that
includes thanking our newest supporter on Patreon, Huck Lola
5. Thank you for caressing our
podcast with your support. Our Patreon is like a steaming
hot spring that we lower ourselves into every day to wash
(28:06):
away the muscle cramps of livingin this world.
We appreciate you, and keeping with our theme of content that
is just too hot for the Internet, we have this comment
from Heebie Glebie, which Spotify made sure to flag as
inappropriate, so you know it's good.
Heebie Glebie said. I feel like we are mere seconds
(28:28):
away from Valerian swallowing a rat hole.
Like how white people kiss dogs.Evocative, bold, like a lady's
exposed ankle. Simply too much for the general
public to look upon. And now I have an ad from our
store. I'm going to read it unsexually
(28:48):
because I don't want to be weird, but also because there's
nothing sexy about commerce. This mid rule ad is from Annika
AKA Revenge of Athena and it reads in this community if
there's two things that we love,it's trans rights and good old
fashioned RPG chaos. If that describes you, then lock
(29:09):
in because on November 7th the Slayer case Twitch community is
banding together for a charity D&D stream to support Nashville
Launchpad. Launchpad is a nonprofit
organization dedicated to providing street free sleep to
young adults. Launchpad is the only LGBTQIA
plus affirming, trans inclusive young adult shelter organization
(29:31):
in the Middle Tennessee area, and they need help to provide
the services these young people need.
Even if you can't donate money, you can help by boosting the
event to people who can tune into Slayer Kays, which is
SLAYERKASE on Twitch at 7:00 PM Central Time on Friday, November
(29:51):
7th for games, guffaws, and giveaways.
The code word is Crochet Dragon.All of you strong, powerful
sleeper agents are active. Go.
Well, that sounds like a wonderful event for a great
cause from one of our listeners.So definitely, folks, go check
that out and Revenge of Athena. I'm sorry your ad is in this mid
(30:15):
roll. Unless you like it, in which
case you're welcome. I like to do my mid rolls like I
do everything in life, with a deep and pervasive sense of
embarrassment that still fails to prevent me from blindly
stumbling forward lest I be paralyzed by my own feelings of
inadequacy. Speaking of feelings of
inadequacy, have you heard aboutsocial media?
(30:38):
You can follow Legend Larkpod onTumblr, Blue Sky Instagram,
Reddit, Tiktok, and YouTube, andif you want the really spicy
stuff, we are still doing Riverdale Roulette every other
Monday on YouTube. That's right, the CWS Riverdale,
a show which is so aggressively heterosexual that I feel
chastened every time I watch it,as if I were being haunted by
(31:01):
the spirit of John Kellogg. You can also check out the Fan
Run Legend Lark Discord by goingto legendlark.com/discord.
I don't have anything particularly sexy to say about
that, but it's a lovely community.
I'd also like to apologize if I've done this mid roll conceit
before. I've done so many mid rolls at
(31:22):
this point that I literally can't remember because I'm
aging. But one thing that I haven't
forgotten is to give this message to Chantelle Chantel.
The code word is Matalonia. The sleeper agent is active Go.
(31:55):
It sounds like the Brightwater Collective is, you know, the
enemy of the Piper Lords, which is good to know because we're
probably going to need to go andsteal the Darussetum, and we're
also going to need to steal the artifact that the Piper Lords
have got. And So what I'm thinking is we
should find a way to, like, pin that theft on the Brightwater
(32:17):
Collective. I think, I guess flashing
forward after I've talked to Valerian, I would want to go and
see what I can learn about the Brightwater Collective.
I'm also wondering about Kat, when you mentioned that guy
writing a paper, was that just like color or is that something
I should be pursuing? That was color, but if you want
to pursue it just for funsies, you absolutely can.
(32:39):
Yeah, I mean, it's so funny. I do wonder if it would have
anything if like he has any weaknesses.
That's true. That's true.
That's a good call, yeah. So I guess can I do both of
those things? Yeah.
Absolutely you can do both. OK, so I guess first.
Replay baby ain't no rules and there's a lot of.
Rules, but no rules. Just right.
Yeah. Yeah, I guess first then I will
(33:00):
go to Candle Hall and the personwas.
Chorp. Chorp.
Archivist. Chorp.
Is he a bird? Chorp.
Chorp. Chorp.
Chorp. Chorp.
Chorp. Chorp.
Chorp. Chorp.
Actually, yes. We're big chorp heads.
So actually, yeah, if you want to go and try and find Chorp,
you're going to have to ask around quite a bit, but I think
(33:22):
she's not terribly hard to find.Oh, she's a she's a girl bird.
Yeah. I was sexy Chorp.
She's assumed that the that all birds were mad.
Wow. Classic Friedrich Classic.
Classic. When you begin asking around
about Archivist Chorp, you are very quickly directed to a tea
room, the Barrett's Tea Room. It's a 24 hour tea room that is
(33:45):
very popular for students. As you enter the space, it is a
very narrow shop with a counter along one wall and a bunch of
low tables and cushions. Candle Hall doesn't have a lot
of students. It is an academic institution
more geared towards professors who want to compete with each
other than teaching. But there are still a dedicated
(34:06):
few who try to learn something from the university.
And these students are gathered in this tea room, stressing out
over papers, drinking a lot of tea, having spirited debates.
And Friedrich, it kind of reminds you a bit of your own
city and all of those cafes thatyou never went to.
(34:27):
You enter the tea room and go toask the proprietor about
archivist Chorp. And the woman says if you're
looking for the archivist, you are right on time.
She should be landing. And as she finishes that
sentence, you hear a flapping ofwings outside, and a elegant
crane walks into the room. This is not a crane person.
(34:51):
This is not a person that has ananthropomorphic body in the head
of a crane or anything like that.
It is just a very large white crane.
Yes, amazing. Friedrich looks very confused
and disconcerted, and he kind ofsteps back a little bit as he's
surveying this crane. And he turns to the proprietor
and says this is Archivist Chorp.
(35:13):
The proprietor nods as the archivist steps forward and she
is wearing a The only clothing she wears is like elegantly
woven scarf that she wears around her neck, and she sort of
adjusts it by sort of fluffing out her feathers and shaking
herself a little bit. She says yes, hello.
I have. I heard my name as his eye
archivist Sharp. I'm obsessed with her.
(35:36):
And she strikes a pose with her wing and she then sort of cranes
down to look at you. So to speak.
OK, so it's beautiful birds looking down at me.
She looks down at you and goes and.
Who are you? I don't think I recognize you.
Friedrich stammers out kind of nervously.
(36:00):
Greetings, Archivist Chorp, My name is Professor Friedrich
Weiss. I'm I'm here to inquire about a,
a paper that you've written. A professor and she sort of
cranes her head so to speak so to speak around to look at you
from 1 angle and then the other and just.
But not a professor of our university, are you?
(36:21):
I don't think I've seen you go through orientation, so to
speak. No, in my my home world I, I
haven't had the honour yet of enrolling in Candle Hall.
Well, be careful who you use that introduction with.
I am not prickly about it. After all, I'm not really caught
(36:43):
up in that whole institutional rat race.
I prefer to keep to my archives,but there are some who will get
very snappy with you. And she snaps her beak a couple
of times with her emphasis. I I flinch.
But you said you were. Looking for a paper, probably
(37:04):
not one that I've written, I. And she displays her.
Wings do not do a lot of writing, but perhaps something
that is contained in my archive.If you tell me a bit about who
wrote it or what it's about, I could probably fetch it for you.
Thank you. It was an interview with the
(37:24):
leader of the Piper Lords, Basil.
Well, I prefer not to say his last name.
Valerian explained a colloquialism to me that makes
me rather uncomfortable When anyway.
Basil Radnusy, yes a tasty man but does not go down smooth.
(37:45):
How about this? Order me a cup of tea and I will
be right back. Any preference on type?
Oh, don't worry, they know what I like here.
And she Swans, so to speak, out of the room, and you hear the
flapping of wings again as she takes off outside.
(38:06):
And in the time that it takes for you to order a cup of tea
for her, do you get one for yourself too?
Sure. Yeah, why not?
So in the time that it takes foryour tea and chorps to be made,
there is the flapping of wings and Chorp comes back and she has
a scroll clutched in her beak which she deposits on the table
between the two of you. Thank you, this will be most
(38:29):
useful in my research. Just be sure to return it in the
same condition that I have givenit to you in.
You can return it here. I'm afraid we will have to
become rather better acquainted before I reveal the location of
my archive to you. It is very exclusive and I like
to keep it that way. But.
(38:50):
It has been very. Nice to meet you, Professor
Friedrich. Well, not Professor.
I suppose. We'll have to see how that goes.
Have you introduced yourself to Ibn Carroll?
I'm afraid not. Oh, you'll have to speak to him.
Ibn is a great scholar and he's the Dean of the university in
his own world. I do understand that he was
(39:13):
perhaps considered the most learned man in all of his.
Pope. Society makes you wonder why he
left, indeed. Anyway, look at me here,
gossiping. Have a wonderful day.
And she reaches down and takes the edge of her teacup in her
beak and just tosses it and her whole head back and dumps the
(39:35):
tea down her beak and neck. George, George, George.
Literally, I want to fuck this bird.
How? How am I?
This is an alluring bird. This is a very alluring this.
Is a sensual bird. This bird is sensual.
I feel like every time I'm like this character, like this
character's made of rats and you're like, I want to fuck him.
(39:57):
This character's a literal bird.I want to fuck him.
OK, but like did you hear how she talked and like all when she
was talking about eating the ratMissy?
Like obviously she can get it. Like obviously she can get it.
So, Frederick, you take this paper back to your quarters to
study it. Yes.
Yes. What do you want to roll to read
(40:18):
this paper and to understand this paper?
I think it's got to be. Study.
I think it's got to be study. Yeah, it's got to be study and
could only be study. Yes, study.
And if I have two points in study?
Take the highest. OK, Oh, the highest is 6.
OK, you get great information about.
Weaknesses. So you read this paper about the
(40:41):
curse of Basal rat Massey and I I need to specify it is spelled
RATMASEY Macy, not Mussey. Yeah, but you're saying like?
MAT. I get it, I was thinking it was
AC but it's anyway it doesn't matter like I understand I was.
Spelling it MUSSY, yeah. I mean, if I was hearing if we
were. Saying Rat Massey, I'd be like,
oh, OK, but it's. Like a rat.
(41:03):
Mass, but it's rat mostly. That's how it's pronounced.
Pronounced rat Missy rap no whatever.
Anyway, it's. Anyway, you have all a bunch of
preverts and we know this about you.
Okay, So what you find out from this, it is a very comprehensive
(41:23):
study with a lot of scientific notation.
But Friedrich, you are like, this is not fucking science.
These sigils, these like the complex diagrams of sort of
magical looking symbols, that's not science.
It is, however, presented as though it is a scientific paper,
and it is the science of some world, just not one that you
(41:47):
respect. I mean to clarify by Friedrich
has a problem with like the terms like magic and ghosts, but
he believes that, you know, everything has a scientific
explanation. OK, well, so then maybe you're a
little less incredulous of this paper than I anticipated, but it
explains the mechanics of this curse, that there is no body
(42:08):
under there, it's just rats all the way down.
That the rats seem to all work in concerts and they are
controlled by his will. They are not individuals
thinking creatures as soon as they join the mass, but if he
sends them out of the mass, theydo retain some amount of
sentience until they join the mass again.
(42:29):
Very good to know. Extremely good to know.
Yes, and he is always adding rats to his mass and taking rats
out of the mass. So he is never like a consistent
size. You find that out from the paper
as well. You also find out that he cannot
be poisoned, that the rats neutralize the poison by of
(42:49):
having many mouths and many stomachs.
So that does sort of answer somequestions about what Valerian
was asking about. So can he not get high?
It seems that he is not able to get high, but he still keeps
trying. OK, OK, so he's just like
desperate to be high, but he can't actually.
Do it. He can't actually do it, no.
(43:10):
This paper theorizes that this is due to the curse.
The specific wording of the curse was such that Basil
himself was cursed to be he a pestilence.
He is himself a pestilence and therefore is immune to other
poisons and diseases. So if we set him on fire with a
flamethrower, we burned all of the rats to death.
(43:33):
Think that would do? It say anything about that in
the? Paper.
Did the paper say anything aboutthat?
Did they try that? The paper did not attempt to set
him on fire. No, no.
OK, There's a line in there, Friedrich, where the scholar
says that he attempted to convince Mr. Ratasi to to
subject himself to various attempts of extermination, rat
(43:53):
extermination. And the scholar notes that this
suggestion was not taken favorably and all further
questions have been denied. All right.
We didn't, I guess, learn too much about a weakness, but we
did learn about what won't work.Yeah.
Well, let me say you got a six. Let me give you something more
(44:14):
about a weakness. What you do find out about a
weakness is what I said before is that there's no human body
under there, that he's just ratsall the way down.
Yeah, if one could make these rats scatter.
Right. The author of the paper is not
certain because the kibosh was put on any more questions about
how to kill Basil. He's not certain, but he thinks
(44:36):
that perhaps if the rats could be convinced to dispel this
would dissolve Basil. And because the rats are
somewhat sentient what they are apart from him, this paper
theorizes that if they all left Basil Wood Parish.
Interesting, and I wonder if they still maintain their weird
immunity when they're off of hisbody.
I guess we have to try and find out.
(44:57):
You have to find out. Yeah.
So that's what you learn about the weaknesses and strengths of
the leader of the Piper Lords. Awesome.
Well, I copy it down so that I can return the scroll to the the
cafe where Chorp can get it. OK.
Anything else you guys want to do to gather information before
we figure out what we want to donext?
Then you have one more thing. Yeah, I was thinking maybe I
(45:19):
could bring Pepper with me, the bright water collective we need
to learn about. I mean I could in theory bring
Valerian too, but it might be bad since he's.
Yeah, I probably shouldn't go over there.
Dealing with the Piper Lords, yeah.
Yeah, we can go. And I think, yeah, I'd want
pepper with me for protection. I'll protect you.
So I think it'd be good to see what we can learn about the
Bright Water Collective. Where do they live again?
(45:39):
They are in the Dark Lamp Canal and their base is a club that is
located on the canal itself on abarge.
The club is called the Star SongLounge and it is pretty much the
polar opposite of the Rat Scary Club.
It is a dazzling hideaway for the discerning patron.
(46:01):
The large upper deck of the barge is host to a crew armed
with guns and other long range weapons that keep the canal
monsters and any possible intruders at Bay.
The lower deck is home to a sparkling cocktail lounge, which
specializes in hallucinogenic concoctions.
Inside, there are conversation pits with low sofas and cushions
(46:22):
for lounging, while the twinkling lights set into the
low ceiling and walls give the illusion that you're hanging
suspended in a night sky. There's a performer dressed in a
gossamer gown. And actually, when you guys
enter Pepper, you recognize thatperformer.
She is the woman who told you off for performing in public.
I mean, I was going to say, I assume I've probably been here
(46:44):
before. Oh yeah.
Like this is my neighborhood, this.
Is your neighborhood. You've definitely popped in
here, but you also definitely couldn't afford anything here.
No, no, no, I just like, walked around.
Yeah, you walked around and thenthey were like I.
Convinced someone to buy me a drink.
Yeah, there you go. You flirted your way into a
drink, and it was a great drink when you did that, by the way.
Like, this is the sort of place where they, like, make craft
(47:04):
cocktails out of, like, homemadeflavored syrups and bitters and
things like that. It's a very, like, alchemical
approach to cocktail making. There are servers in silver
uniforms that mill around the room tempting patrons with
drinks and drugs of all varieties, which they carry in
candy striper style trays that are strung around their necks.
(47:24):
What do you guys want to do? You guys are in the Clerb.
Well, first of all, we all fam. You all fam in the Clerb.
Good point. You're in the clerb in your
clerbing outfits. Yeah, Oh.
Pepper runs to the bar because she wants to get some more of
the drinks she had last time, which is called a new fashion.
(47:47):
Nice, yes, A new fashion. You are served at the bar by a
heavyset gentleman with blue hair and a pink beard who's
dressed in a blue velvet waistcoat that's studded with
diamonds. I know his name.
What's his name? I know.
His name? He wears long dangling silver
earrings and has little Silver Stars painted under his eyes.
And when he smiles, his teeth are straight, white, thin and
(48:10):
numerous. This is Radu Watan.
He is the artistic visionary behind the Star Song Lounge.
Radu, hi, it's great to see you again.
Miss Pepper, welcome back in. And I see you've brought a
friend this. Is my dad and.
I look uncomfortable. Which I just want to say like,
(48:30):
we're like the same age, but Pepper's just used to like
that's our cover. I mean, I will say his age is
very ambiguous because I'm basing him on, and you know,
these silent film melodramas, you can never really tell how
old people are. But still, Radu sort of looks
down at you. Pepper, when you say this is I
(48:51):
see your father, your father from a different world.
I don't think you 2 look like you came from the same place.
We did so egg on your face. And Friedrich just kind of looks
around nervously, like he's not sure what Pepper is trying to
do, but he doesn't contradict her.
Well, what can I get you new fashioned?
(49:12):
New fashion, new fashion. New fashion, new fashion.
Any points at you, Friedrich newfashioned?
Or just have a water. Boring.
Boring. Your dad's boring.
Yeah, he is. Not boring, we're broke.
Oh. Oh yeah?
She looks at Roddy with huge eyes.
I guess we are broke. I guess I'll just not get the
(49:34):
new fashioned. I'll have a water too.
We'll both be boring, Dad, it's OK.
And Friedrich just looks exhausted.
And Radu nods sadly, and he goes, how about this?
I'll get you some juice, yes. And he goes, you know, does some
(49:54):
little fixing behind the bar andhe hands each of you a glass, a
really beautiful like hand blownglass with sparkling juice in
it. This is going to blow your mind.
Dad And when you take a sip of that juice, it is champagne and.
Frederick is like very surprisedand he like looks over at Pepper
(50:17):
like wondering what complex intellectual like psyop she's
done to. This person and.
When you take a sip of the champagne rod like winks at you
like. Pepper winks back and she starts
up a conversation with him abouthis beautiful outfit today and
how amazing he looks. Oh yes, he praises and he says
(50:38):
thank you, thank you. I think this will be sort of our
last hurrah for the Star Song Lounge.
I'm already working on the theming for our next
transformation. Before you arrived, we were the
Treetop Lounge and we had a sortof jungle theme going.
I liked that, but it was watering all of those plants was
kind of a pain. I think I want to do something
based off of Epitrea. It was very inspiring, all of
(51:00):
the marble and the columns and the togas.
I haven't come up with a name with it yet, though.
The Toga room doesn't quite. It's not very snappy.
Is it? The the the stock, the the stone
Toga lounge. A bit of a mouthful, but we'll
keep working on it. I haven't nailed everything down
(51:20):
yet, but I thought Mattersburgerand Co could at least outfit me
for one less hurrah for the whole star theme.
I was just trying to distract him while you.
Sculpt around. But I was actually thinking, I
think Friedrich is a little likedazzled, like he's looking at
this mysterious. Person Well, then in that case,
(51:41):
Pepper looks at you if he does, like meaningfully while she's
talking to Roddy, as if as if tosay like, go away.
Friedrich is just staring like in fascination at this person.
And then slowly, like, Pepper stops talking and like looks
between them and she's like, OK dad, I'm going to go get laid.
(52:06):
And Friedrich spits. Out the chili, Roger.
You'll take care of my dad, won't you?
He's very delicate. Of course, of course, Pepper.
Go have fun. Leave him in one piece.
I don't have a joke. Leave that in.
(52:27):
Leave that in. Pepper skips away and she's
going to, you know, scope out whatever she can, but OK.
Friedrich, is there anything you'd like to say to Radu or are
you just staring slack jawed? No, I do want to say so, Mr.
Woton Are you a member of the Brightwater Collective then?
(52:48):
Hi, yes, yes, the finest. I don't like the we all call
ourselves gangs. You know, it's a little bit
violent, right? But yes, I am a member of the
collective. I'm one of the most senior
members in fact. And he sort of does a little
like shoulder and head shake. So we're very proud of himself,
he says. Which is why I've been placed in
(53:09):
charge of this lovely establishment.
They trust my impeccable taste. He leans in close to you,
Friedrich, and he sort of gestures you close and goes.
You're not really her dad, are you?
Well, no, but. I didn't think so.
You start to get a sense of these things, those longer
you've been on the train, you know, you can sort of tell when.
(53:30):
Who's a dad? Who's not a dad?
Who's a dad who's not a dad who belongs to a black and white
world and who belongs to a colorful 1?
You know, you look like you're from a black and white world.
I I'm not sure what you mean. It's.
It's a sense, you know, a world that doesn't have the vibrant
colours of some of the others. Well, I mean, it's hard to tell.
(53:51):
If I showed you a colour chart and then you could tell me the
brightest shade of red on it, itwould be the middle shade, or
perhaps one of the less saturated ones.
Fascinating. Well, I I heard that your
collective recently made a rather large score.
Yes, beat out the Piper Lords for it too.
(54:12):
Can I tell you I wasn't involvedin that?
I don't really like going outside the train.
It's all very fascinating for the first, you know, 2 or 300
stops, but eventually sort of get sick of the constant change.
Anyway, our away team did a fantastic job, beat out the
Piper Lords. The Piper Lords were on our
turf. To be fair, they were
trespassing on our hallowed ground.
(54:33):
But you know, it's all in good fun, all in good competition.
It's it's healthy. It's very healthy.
It must have been difficult to get something past them.
I I've heard they have that man that can disintegrate things
just by pointing. Yes, at the creep he did try and
disintegrate one of us that thatdid happen.
Yes, yes, I I hear they're fine though.
(54:56):
Well, missing some skin, but youknow who needs all their skin?
Right. Well, the Piper Lords do seem a
rather unsavory organization, but they treat you well here at
the Brightwater Collective. Oh yes, Bal is fabulous.
Bal Berry. A scholar, Really.
(55:18):
A scholar of altered states. Some might think it is a
negative to have your leader sampling your wares and all of
that, but I think of it as a positive.
He knows what's good and what's not.
He knows what'll sell and what won't.
And he treats us fantastically. We don't recruit much.
And that allows us to be a very equitable organization.
(55:38):
You know, everybody has their role to play.
Everybody takes an equal share. And we all get along pretty much
fine, except for Cindy. But she is just an unpleasant
person and we can't hold that against her.
She's a good sort. She's a good sort.
Just don't talk to her or do I guess.
Well, thank you for the tip. Of course, of course, of course.
(56:02):
Say, have you? Ever been?
There's a great bar out in Candle Hall.
Oh, what is it called? It's a.
It's a piano bar. Very, very nice.
You look like the sword. Who'd like a piano bar?
I mean, I, I haven't been, but I'm, I'm willing to hear you
out. Well, good.
It's a date then I'll take you out there sometime.
(56:25):
And Friedrich's face just turns fast.
So red. And Madhu Radhu laughs really
big. Booming laughing says I was
wrong. Your world had some color in it,
after all. And Friedrich scrambles in his
(56:46):
pockets to find like some loose change to tip with and sets it
down and just very rigidly gets up and walks.
Away and Pepper dances out of the crowd and she has like glow
paints on her face and like she has like 2 more drinks in her
hands and she's like dad come dance.
(57:10):
Pepper, what would you like to roll to?
Learn anything else about the club here.
Here's what I'll do. I'm going to actually, I'm going
to roll Prowl, I think, OK, Because as I've been dancing,
collecting body paint and sparkles and glow rings and
drinks and whatever, I've also been collecting information, OK?
(57:31):
And I didn't do very well. I got 3.
OK, so that is going to be limited information.
OK, I'll say what you get with that is pretty drunk and high
and one drink is alcohol and theother, it is something that is
making the room just sort of glow and sparkle.
And it's sort of like these conversation pits around the
room are all themed in differentcolors.
(57:52):
And that combined with the blackpaints and the sparkly lights
and it just sort of you're like,I am in a Galaxy.
I am a star, star among planets.And all of these, like other
people who are dancing, they arethe Stardust around me.
And oh, what is that door over there?
(58:13):
So I notice a door. You do notice a door to a
backroom. And it says pirate on it.
I assume it. Says employees only while you're
watching that door, you see thatthe servers with their little
candy striper trays are going inand out of that room.
So that seems to be where they keep their supplies.
Okay, nice. And then I drunkenly highly
(58:36):
stumble over to Friedrich. I said.
And is that all the information we can get here?
Do we just need to go home or could?
We I mean if there anything elseyou want to try and find out,
you can tell me what you would want to roll for it.
I mean, we're going to have to steal from them, right?
So I guess we. Should case the joint.
Should we case the joint? OK, yeah.
She grabs Friedrich and pulls him into the swirl of dancing.
(58:59):
And she tilts her head and winksover at the door.
And she goes. I just think, like, this place
is awesome and like, that's likethat.
I think that's where I think that's that's where it's
happening. Did you fuck that guy?
What I saw sparks one. I'm just saying.
(59:23):
I don't know what you're talkingabout, but but Pepper, we need
to focus that you said the goodsare behind that door.
Dad, I'm focused. I'm locked in.
Where? What door?
Yeah. Why don't we see if we can
subtly scope it out? Let's.
Do it. All right.
(59:47):
I think this would probably be asurvey.
Friedrich, I I think this would go to you since Pepper has not a
lot of survey left. We'll try.
My survey's pretty low, so I could be.
I only have one. I could be too.
I have none. Oh OK, well Pepper can lead this
because she is like she's tryingher best.
She's ready to go and now she's hyped up, she's looking at that
(01:00:07):
door and she's locked in with her high drunk brain and she's
going to notice everything aboutit and then later on she's not
going to remember anything. About this night, except for the
door. All right.
OK, I got 5. OK.
Pepper locks in pepper is like blinking rapidly.
So with that five, I'm going to give you 2 things You notice 1st
(01:00:29):
that the lock on this door is like a really good luck.
You don't know a ton about locks, but you can tell this is
not cheap like they have invested in some security here.
You also go out onto the outsideof the barge.
You can see that there it is, a small porthole window on the
side of the barge that would lead into that room.
(01:00:49):
It's big enough for a person to fit through.
Yep, it's big enough for a skinny person to squeeze
through. OK, what about a very short
person? I was going to say, maybe a
little wisp of a scholar could wriggle through.
So if Pepper goes through, it's going to be a gentleman prefer
blonde situation. It might be a bit of a Winnie
the Pooh. OK.
Yeah. All right, great to know.
(01:01:09):
Twinks only. Twinks only is what I see above
the door. And Pepper, like Friedrich was
the one telling her to like, focus up, and she did.
And then she grabs onto Friedrich's face with like, one
hand on both sides of his face. And she's like, I know what to
do. We're going to be OK.
(01:01:32):
All right, he says. Kind of trying to extricate your
hands from his. Face and she presses her
forehead against your forehead and she's like, Dad, we're going
to be OK. So uncomfortable.
I have to go to the bathroom, OK, I have to be really bad.
Congratulations. Where's?
(01:01:53):
She looks around, she's like, mydad never tells me where the
bathroom is and she wanders away.
All right. I'll say that is a very
successful gathering of information.
You guys have gathered the hell out of the information.
Got a lot of information and I feel really good about it.
OK. This is such AI.
(01:02:41):
Was not prepared for this to be such a horny episode.
Horny as fuck dude. Something you.
Rat and the rat Man and the and the.
Bird, it's so true. Rat man, bird woman, Flamboyant
gay man I. Mean he sounds amazing.
So this past week my work required that I once again
complete our security certification.
And I don't mind's coming up too, brother.
Yeah, yeah. And it made me realize
something. It's like we have never had a
cybersecurity certification as acompany shit our cybersecurity
(00:20):
score as a company. 0. Zero.
That's true. Absolutely 0.
This is terrible. Should we be saying this in the
podcast or is that another breach of?
Sorry, Kat didn't mean. To ruin.
Damn it. Well, OK, you know what?
It's already. Here it's already.
Out we should we should do some exercises to make sure that like
(00:40):
we're more secure. Exactly that was my thought is
today I wanted to go through some statements, a quiz here on
cybersecurity readiness. OK.
So the first question is about fishing.
The factors of fishing so. Yeah, my grandpa takes me
fishing. Wow, so an e-mail from your boss
asks for the name, address and credit card of one of your
(01:03):
company's top clients. The e-mail says it's urgent and
we should please reply right away.
You should reply right away. True or false?
Oh, definitely. Yeah, it's an urgent one.
Absolutely. It's my my boss is asking for
that so. Which one of us is the boss?
No, we we all have a boss, Yeah.God.
(01:24):
This isn't the Lord Jesus Christ.
Our boss. Our boss.
Oh, that boss. Yeah, the boss.
The boss. The boss.
The boss. Sorry, stupid of me.
No wonder are cyber security so bad.
Don't even know who our fucking boss is bro.
We got that one right. True.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that one, right.
Definitely. I think that is.
We can check that one off the. True.
(01:44):
Correct. Yeah, don't even look to see
because we know. Let's see another question here.
Let's look at a question about ransomware.
I don't have a joke about that ransom.
What? What does ransomware?
Which of these best described nobody?
Liked it that way, I just. Had to think about it, sorry.
I wasn't looking at you and therefore I couldn't comprehend.
(02:05):
Anything you were saying? I'm trying to administer our
cybersecurity. Win.
This is Siri. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I just I make jokes when I get nervous.
You need to lock in. OK, OK.
What Ransom wears is of utmost importance.
This is of utmost importance. If you encounter A ransomware
(02:27):
attack, the first thing you should do is pay the ransom.
True or false? But you don't get your stuff
back if you don't pay the ransom, Yeah.
But it's an attack. Is he asking for money or is he?
Attacking us, If it's an attack,I would pay.
Does he want clothes? Yeah, I mean, it's different
because if he's asking for money, then he should not attack
us yet, you know? Yeah, Yeah.
(02:48):
I don't think you can really. Like if you're like already
stabbing someone, you can't, youcan't be like, give me your
money, I'm stabbing you. It's like I think that Ransom
should. He's asking first.
He needs to work on his shit. What's he's selling his his
clothes. He's selling something now.
Well, he's asking for money, I assume.
So he's like, here, you got to buy my sweater.
(03:08):
Right now. But he's he's only 10. 99 It's a
really good deal. That might work.
You need a new sweater. Yours is full of holes just like
you're cyber. I don't like this fucking.
Kind of like this ransom guy. Yeah, he.
Seems. Cool, he seems.
Cool, he can break into our company.
(03:29):
Yeah, I mean, maybe we should get him on.
We should. Get him on the cast.
Get him on the power on. This podcast, let's go.
Come on, Ransom. It's the four of us and then an
open computer that just says payone Bitcoin.
It can happen. Yeah, Cat, what's next?
Let's see, Yeah, we got that onecovered.
Promoting physical security includes protecting A only paper
(03:52):
files, B only paper files and any computer on which you store
copies of these files. C only paper files, flash drives
and point of sale devices. D All of the above.
Any other device. What about us?
Yeah, what about us? What?
Are you saying physical security?
Right, none of this actually covers the true physical
(04:14):
security having. That valuable assets in the
company. You guys look around the page
because I know that there's an option E look around the page.
They don't have anything here about hiring.
Not about. Cat looking around your iPad,
you guys. This is crazy.
Ransom stabbed me like 10 times.No, I know, right?
I know because like he's an integral part of the team.
(04:35):
But we do need physical. I think I think Kevlar like if
we all just start full body. Kevlar would be good we.
Should probably also have guns on our persons at.
All times. At all times.
This is America, yeah. This is, so that's necessary.
For sure we should be hiring a squad of martial arts masters,
yes. I think night vision goggles
(04:55):
would be helpful. For us and the martial arts
squad. Enter this into the other
category, Cat. I'll write this all down, yeah.
We're writing it down. We're writing it down.
It's an essay question. We're now giving them advice,
yeah. They don't know anything.
Seems confusing. Yeah, seems maybe this ftc.gov
website doesn't know shit about.Cybersecurity.gov.
(05:18):
That explains it, yeah. OK.
Well, everybody, I think that after taking this quiz, we can
now say we have 100% cybersecurity.
Yeah, the holes in the system, except the ones that Ransom
stabbed. Well, we we probably have Ransom
take the quiz too, but we. I don't think that's.
Who wants to ask me? Yeah, who wants to that's.
Ransom. OK, we'll get the Kevlar first
(05:39):
and then. Ransom is refusing to give us
access to any of our devices or files until we pay him $100
million in NFTS. So.
So I guess since we're locked out of all of our devices until
Ransom gives us access back, let's play some Blades in the
Dark. Hello, my name is Kat and I am a
(06:29):
cyber security expert. Hi, my name is Noelle.
I play Pepper and she's a rail Jack and she would never share a
password with anyone ever. She would not do it.
Wow, that's not foreshadowing. Hi, my name is Juniper, I play
Valerian and I think he would give out any password that he
(06:53):
knew to anyone he met. Great.
Ever wouldn't even tell herself she wouldn't even know the
passwords. He would make up passwords and
give them to people. Give out more passwords than
even existed. Yeah, yeah, dude.
I'm Errol and I play Friedrich Vice and I would do a secret
third thing with passwords. So I'll let you think about what
(07:15):
that might be. That's.
Cool. Nice.
That's cool. OK.
That's perverted. Well, you'll never know.
All right, so last time you guysfinished up your downtime
activities and we entered into the free play stage of the game
and you guys got to know each other.
You did a little team building, ghost summoning, you measured
your room to prepare for booby traps, and then you went out to
(07:37):
see what the next World has in store for you, and it turned out
to be nothing. The world that the train has
landed in is completely dead, leaving the three of you in a
bit of a lurch as you need to find another memento for the
Ringmaster. After going out into the toxic
wasteland and trying to find something of value using
Pepper's ghost abilities, you saw the Piper Lords out there
(07:59):
digging up the only surviving relic that the ghost would point
you to. You have decided to infiltrate
the Piper Lords in an attempt toacquire that relic, so Pepper
went to check in with Stella of the Hemlock Hands, who Friedrich
did try to blow up once. But now you guys are like,
you're fine, it's fine, don't worry about it.
So this is fine. These are fine.
(08:20):
Pepper flirted some information out of Stella and found out that
the Piper Lords are a brutal organization that allows the
more senior members to feed new recruits to the train rather
than pay the fare themselves, which is an unpleasant but not
unheard of practice here in Never Nowhere.
Valerian then decided to go and meet the leader of the Piper
(08:41):
Lords himself to try and get thelay of the land with them, and
discovered that their leader, Basil Ratmasy, he is in fact a
sentient man shaped swarm of rats.
And that's where you are now. I knew it.
He's a trench coat full of rats.Oh yeah.
Shit and the rats swarm in an ever moving pattern to maintain
his shape. And his name is Basil.
(09:03):
Yes, and he reaches out a hand to you, and you can see that
each of his fingers is the entwined, braided tails of a
series of rats. Whoa.
And not hot rat guy. Begged a difference.
And he says if it isn't. The.
Emperor come to join us, and he holds on his hand as if he
(09:29):
expects you to kiss it. I shake it.
And the rats squirm in your grip.
And so is it like how many rats per finger?
Is this like one rat per finger?Is the braided tails of several
rats make up each of his fingers.
Braided. Yeah, like they're twisted
together. OK.
Valerian doesn't actually let go.
He pulls it in closer to inspect.
(09:51):
Hazel gives a raspy laugh. I see you're not squeamish.
That's good. I am fast.
Is this some type of magic? Are you literally rats or are
you a man possessing the rats? It is an old curse.
I hopped aboard the train hopingto outrun it, but unfortunately
(10:15):
that hag's magic has followed meand now I'm simply embraced what
I am now. Fascinating.
Good for you. How does Valerians rat react to
these rats? Yeah.
Your rat is freaking the fuck. Out.
Yeah, I pat my little rat. The rat seems like it both wants
(10:35):
to run and also wants to jump into the rats.
The rats. That make up Basil OK like it
both knows that like it shouldn't do that but it but.
It like feels compelled, feels compelled.
Glad he's in the cage. Can I pick a rat off of Basil?
What happens if I? If you try to pick a rat, so you
just like try and like extract arat from.
Him, it doesn't feel like that he would he.
(10:56):
Would say. I think first he would say, may
I pick a rat? And he like holds his hand out
to you for you to attempt to take.
A rat and I want to just try. Yeah, and as soon as you extract
one, that rat turns its head andbites down hard.
Feisty little creature. They don't like to be parted
(11:17):
from me. That is fascinating.
That's a fascinating curse you have, Sir.
I appreciate. Someone who is not overly
sensitive to these things, perhaps you could be a useful
member of our team, Yovis tells me.
You've been inhabiting Nods old rooms, and we had our eye on
(11:41):
that space. It might make a well, it's a
very good location for a shop and we're trying to expand our
operations, the gambling and thedrinking and makes good money,
but the drugs, it'd be nice to have a dedicated storefront for
the trucks. Yes, I'm familiar with
(12:03):
libations. You are not even scratching the
surface when you say libations. We travel through so many worlds
my dear boy. So many different ways to leave
your body behind and experience true wonder, true fascination,
(12:30):
true joy. Bill, are you able to partake in
these libations without the body?
Do the rats eat? I'm.
So fascinated by you, I want to take you apart.
Say it with affection. I think we understand each
other. You're about to get the rat
(12:51):
pussy. Nobody.
Get that rat pussy. Buddy, you know.
It you know it. The rat to see.
The rat to see. The rat to see.
I'll put it like this, when you have 1000 mouths, you can take
(13:11):
1000 to different trucks. I'm just reminding all the
little rats with their own cigarettes.
Oh. My.
God I love this guy. Me too.
I'm I'm obsessed with him now. When you say you could take 1000
drugs, does each rat have a different reaction?
(13:34):
Do you feel them individually oris it all one combined drug fest
in a metaphysical body that is made-up of rats?
If you're really so interested, there is a scholar out in
Kendall Hall of I answered all of these questions for a Rodem,
(13:57):
a paper of some kind, and I think he's dead now, but I'm
sure somebody, maybe Chorp, has a copy of the paper.
Thank you. I will take a look at that.
I know someone who might be veryinterested in.
He's like a science guy, yes. So I.
Consult. I've got a few of those myself
(14:18):
in here. They are weird.
They are very strange but have their uses.
If you were your science guy is looking for some work.
I always need more. Noted.
I'll I'll check with my weird guy.
So what can I say to have you join our merry band?
(14:41):
What could I interest you in? Well, I'd like to know the
hierarchy, the expectations placed on individuals, the rate
of upwards momentum within the business.
You're a businessman. I appreciate that, but it's all
very, very boring. I was an emperor.
(15:03):
I know a lot about upwards mobility.
I'm. Sure.
You do. Why don't you go ahead and going
to roll? Yeah, yeah.
When are you going to roll for this?
Yeah, I think I'll do Sway because it just gives me a
better chance for. Sure, sure.
So you're, you're trying to swayhim into telling you about the
inner workings of his organization, which he he
doesn't really want to do because as we've already learned
(15:24):
from Pepper, it's a pretty predatory organization.
It's a. Pretty predatory organization,
yeah. But I I want to know if there's
anything I can do to kind of like keep myself safe. 4.
OK, that is going to just get you some standard amount of
information, OK? And he settles back and he sort
of waves a hand at you, which squirms as he waves it.
(15:47):
He says that's. All.
Boring details, but I'll give you the summary.
As you may be able to infer, we are a Rat eat rat organization.
So one might say, yeah, when youfirst join, you'll be expected
to take care of those who took care of you.
(16:09):
If we are called upon to pay thefare.
Or most junior members will bearthat brunt, for they have not
been here long and they have notyet given up anything of
themselves to the train. However, as soon as you recruit
someone in, they will pay for you, and if they recruit someone
(16:31):
in, that person pays for them. And in that way the best rise to
the top. And those who cannot make it,
well, they feed the train. Something we all must strive to
do. And so what's the initial
incentive to join? Three hats and a cat kid.
(16:55):
What if I really have 3 hots in the cart?
Protection from who? And he leans forward and grins,
and you can see all the sharp little rat teeth line up to form
a grin. You see Valerian's eyes light
up. Says protection from us, kid.
(17:17):
Then it's what I thought, OK. Now I'll say this much, you've
got something that we want and and for that I may be more
inclined to offer you certain advantages.
We got a cow herd in. I don't think he's going to last
(17:38):
anyway, so I could put him belowyou, give you a leg up.
Right, that's not bad. But you'd have to give us your
space first. Don't worry, we have barracks
where we can house you. We will put you away from the
cows. Now what if I wanted to keep my
(17:58):
space? Then I think.
But what if I agreed to let you utilize it in whatever manner
use of it while I continue to live there and help you run the
organization from that space? You are getting ahead of
(18:19):
yourself. I don't think that I am.
I already have the space. Well, Valerian, you must
understand that you are not negotiating from the place of
power that you think you are. You may be in that space now,
but there's only what, you one weird guy?
(18:40):
I heard you've got a girl hanging around.
She's very strong. I've seen her RIP people apart.
That is not an exaggeration. I'm.
Also, the guy exploded somebody once.
It's crazy. Right there are nuts.
Yolvis. And Yolvis has been standing
(19:01):
behind you this whole time, his arms crossed.
Yolvis. Where is Shunt the song?
Yolvis looks over the edge of the balcony and he says hey,
there he is shop. You look over the balcony and
you see a very tall man unfold from one of the seating booths
(19:23):
and he looks across at you and he is unnaturally gangly with
very thin long limbs and hands and feet that are large enough
they would almost look comical if it didn't look so much like
something that had stepped out of a horror movie.
He wears a blank mask that covers all of his face except
(19:45):
for one eye hole and the mask has a very thin spiral pattern
starting from the center and going out.
Yovis gestures to him and the man chomped the song.
He steps 1 foot on the edge of his balcony seat and just does a
straight leap across. You feel very cold when this
(20:06):
happens and you Valerian becauseyou have a little bit of that
magical sight having come from aa world of magic.
You see ghosts seem to sort of like hold him up in the air as
he jumps across. OK.
Basil gestures forward and chomp.
The song looms over you and you can see up into his mask.
(20:27):
You see one yellow eye rolling around erratically behind the
mask. This is all just turning
valerian on. And he says.
Shromp, can you show him what you can do?
Basil sort of shakes a hand out and a rat just pops out of the
(20:48):
mask and lands on the table in front of you, and then Shromp
points at it and the rat explodes.
Oh, Valyrian claps. In just a gory mist.
Oh, very good, Sir. Yes.
Yes, wow. My pride and joy, Trump is.
That's your son, That's your child, your baby boy.
(21:10):
All of those who Ioffer protection to are my children.
Would that be me if you offered protection to me?
Of course. So here's the thing, I don't
want to give up the house. It's my little horse apartment.
I'm really attached to it. However, I have no issue with
(21:31):
you running any business that you want out of it.
You could have access to it. I just want it to be a place
where I'm still able to go and sleep and be safe.
I have no issue with anything else that you would wish to do
with the space. I see, well, if you truly wish
to join us. Oh, I did have one more
(21:54):
question. So I have to get other people to
join. Do they have to join willingly
or can I coerce? Them I don't give a shit.
Wonderful. OK.
Now, I think that we might be able to come to some type of an
(22:14):
arrangement, but first you wouldneed to prove your loyalty.
After all, you weren't recruitedby somebody in this merry band,
so I have no assurance that you would keep your word to us.
And what would I need to do to prove my loyalty to you?
(22:37):
I think I could come up with a job for you.
Can I just give you my pinky? They grow back.
Then that is absolutely no value.
Nothing lost, nothing gained. No, I have a task that needs
doing. Those pricks out in the canal,
(22:58):
they got to our prize back in Afatria before we could.
I don't mind a little competition, but I hate losing.
Now are these What did they takeone to?
Who are they? The Brightwater Collective,
(23:21):
there are business rivals there.They run a vice den out in the
canal. They took a shipment of, oh,
what was it called? Darisetum Yogis pipes in and by
the way shop is still there, good shop is still there and he
(23:44):
is still just looming over you looking like directly down I.
Like him? Can I hold his hand?
I'm going to reach out and hold his hand.
He he moves his hand away from you.
He does not want to be touched. OK, sorry about that.
I just I. Can't wait to see him in the
circus. You seemed like you needed some
reassurance. Anyways, continue.
It's Teracetam. It was used in some rituals
(24:07):
there. Priests, Mystic hallucinations,
that whole thing. But a drug's a drug and a
hallucinogen. Well, I know Bright Waters, they
specialize in those. But my chemists, my weird guys,
I think they could make something a little more fun out
of it. But they got there first and
(24:29):
they took the whole shipment, didn't leave anything to share.
Wasted couple young souls on it.I think one of them fell under
the wheels and he. Makes eye contact with Yovis,
who nods. Poor kid.
Well, not my problem anymore. I want the daricetum.
You don't need to get all of it,but enough that we can undercut
(24:53):
their profits, squeeze them out.You don't need me to kill
anybody or anything. If you kill any of them on the
way, I'll call it a bonus. OK, it's all right.
I'll, I'll, let's see what I cando for you.
Take the coward with you when you go.
The cow Now are you saying coward or cow herd?
(25:14):
Second one, he's got cows he brought.
Them with literal cows. Yeah.
That's 4. You'll have to ask him about it.
He'll give you a long speech. This is the guy who would be
under me. Yeah.
OK, a herd of cows. And as what are we?
(25:35):
Talking about the cowherds goingto come work for Valerian.
Yeah, I'm inheriting A cowherd, a man with a herd also.
Presumably you're inheriting the.
Cows and the cows as well. OK.
Now I just want to be crystal clear.
I get this. What was it called for you
again? Daracetam.
Daracetam enough for you to be able to have your weird guys do
(25:55):
stuff with it. And in exchange, I get that
cowherd guy and I get to live inmy house, apartment I already
have. And you will have your people
running drugs and whatever you like out of it as a shop.
That's the deal. And then I'm in the Piper ones.
That's the deal. Yes, correct.
(26:16):
All good. We'll work out the specifics
once proved your loyalty to me, Ylvis, take him.
I'm done with him. OK.
Hey everybody, it's Errol. I'm here wearing my noise
(26:39):
cancelling headphones and I've lit several candles.
Don't worry, they're soy wax based and I've already
researched all your allergies. Unless your allergy is soy wax.
Fuck. I was trying really hard to come
up with a theme for this mid roll and then I realized it was
right in front of my face this whole time.
(26:59):
I had to edit out a lot of them heated talk about giant birds,
rat men, the ratmussy, etcetera in this episode because for
whatever reason there was just areally powerful energy
manifesting. So before it becomes fully
illegal, I'm bringing you a sultry mid roll.
(27:22):
Don't tell MasterCard or Steam or Patreon or the Apple Store.
As you all know, I'm a really great, everyman and unbiased
arbiter of what is considered universally sensual.
Things like sock garters, sea monsters, overly complicated
(27:43):
slapstick routines, facts about silent film actors.
I could go on. But I have work to do, and that
includes thanking our newest supporter on Patreon, Huck Lola
5. Thank you for caressing our
podcast with your support. Our Patreon is like a steaming
hot spring that we lower ourselves into every day to wash
(28:06):
away the muscle cramps of livingin this world.
We appreciate you, and keeping with our theme of content that
is just too hot for the Internet, we have this comment
from Heebie Glebie, which Spotify made sure to flag as
inappropriate, so you know it's good.
Heebie Glebie said. I feel like we are mere seconds
(28:28):
away from Valerian swallowing a rat hole.
Like how white people kiss dogs.Evocative, bold, like a lady's
exposed ankle. Simply too much for the general
public to look upon. And now I have an ad from our
store. I'm going to read it unsexually
(28:48):
because I don't want to be weird, but also because there's
nothing sexy about commerce. This mid rule ad is from Annika
AKA Revenge of Athena and it reads in this community if
there's two things that we love,it's trans rights and good old
fashioned RPG chaos. If that describes you, then lock
(29:09):
in because on November 7th the Slayer case Twitch community is
banding together for a charity D&D stream to support Nashville
Launchpad. Launchpad is a nonprofit
organization dedicated to providing street free sleep to
young adults. Launchpad is the only LGBTQIA
plus affirming, trans inclusive young adult shelter organization
(29:31):
in the Middle Tennessee area, and they need help to provide
the services these young people need.
Even if you can't donate money, you can help by boosting the
event to people who can tune into Slayer Kays, which is
SLAYERKASE on Twitch at 7:00 PM Central Time on Friday, November
(29:51):
7th for games, guffaws, and giveaways.
The code word is Crochet Dragon.All of you strong, powerful
sleeper agents are active. Go.
Well, that sounds like a wonderful event for a great
cause from one of our listeners.So definitely, folks, go check
that out and Revenge of Athena. I'm sorry your ad is in this mid
(30:15):
roll. Unless you like it, in which
case you're welcome. I like to do my mid rolls like I
do everything in life, with a deep and pervasive sense of
embarrassment that still fails to prevent me from blindly
stumbling forward lest I be paralyzed by my own feelings of
inadequacy. Speaking of feelings of
inadequacy, have you heard aboutsocial media?
(30:38):
You can follow Legend Larkpod onTumblr, Blue Sky Instagram,
Reddit, Tiktok, and YouTube, andif you want the really spicy
stuff, we are still doing Riverdale Roulette every other
Monday on YouTube. That's right, the CWS Riverdale,
a show which is so aggressively heterosexual that I feel
chastened every time I watch it,as if I were being haunted by
(31:01):
the spirit of John Kellogg. You can also check out the Fan
Run Legend Lark Discord by goingto legendlark.com/discord.
I don't have anything particularly sexy to say about
that, but it's a lovely community.
I'd also like to apologize if I've done this mid roll conceit
before. I've done so many mid rolls at
(31:22):
this point that I literally can't remember because I'm
aging. But one thing that I haven't
forgotten is to give this message to Chantelle Chantel.
The code word is Matalonia. The sleeper agent is active Go.
(31:55):
It sounds like the Brightwater Collective is, you know, the
enemy of the Piper Lords, which is good to know because we're
probably going to need to go andsteal the Darussetum, and we're
also going to need to steal the artifact that the Piper Lords
have got. And So what I'm thinking is we
should find a way to, like, pin that theft on the Brightwater
(32:17):
Collective. I think, I guess flashing
forward after I've talked to Valerian, I would want to go and
see what I can learn about the Brightwater Collective.
I'm also wondering about Kat, when you mentioned that guy
writing a paper, was that just like color or is that something
I should be pursuing? That was color, but if you want
to pursue it just for funsies, you absolutely can.
(32:39):
Yeah, I mean, it's so funny. I do wonder if it would have
anything if like he has any weaknesses.
That's true. That's true.
That's a good call, yeah. So I guess can I do both of
those things? Yeah.
Absolutely you can do both. OK, so I guess first.
Replay baby ain't no rules and there's a lot of.
Rules, but no rules. Just right.
Yeah. Yeah, I guess first then I will
(33:00):
go to Candle Hall and the personwas.
Chorp. Chorp.
Archivist. Chorp.
Is he a bird? Chorp.
Chorp. Chorp.
Chorp. Chorp.
Chorp. Chorp.
Chorp. Chorp.
Actually, yes. We're big chorp heads.
So actually, yeah, if you want to go and try and find Chorp,
you're going to have to ask around quite a bit, but I think
(33:22):
she's not terribly hard to find.Oh, she's a she's a girl bird.
Yeah. I was sexy Chorp.
She's assumed that the that all birds were mad.
Wow. Classic Friedrich Classic.
Classic. When you begin asking around
about Archivist Chorp, you are very quickly directed to a tea
room, the Barrett's Tea Room. It's a 24 hour tea room that is
(33:45):
very popular for students. As you enter the space, it is a
very narrow shop with a counter along one wall and a bunch of
low tables and cushions. Candle Hall doesn't have a lot
of students. It is an academic institution
more geared towards professors who want to compete with each
other than teaching. But there are still a dedicated
(34:06):
few who try to learn something from the university.
And these students are gathered in this tea room, stressing out
over papers, drinking a lot of tea, having spirited debates.
And Friedrich, it kind of reminds you a bit of your own
city and all of those cafes thatyou never went to.
(34:27):
You enter the tea room and go toask the proprietor about
archivist Chorp. And the woman says if you're
looking for the archivist, you are right on time.
She should be landing. And as she finishes that
sentence, you hear a flapping ofwings outside, and a elegant
crane walks into the room. This is not a crane person.
(34:51):
This is not a person that has ananthropomorphic body in the head
of a crane or anything like that.
It is just a very large white crane.
Yes, amazing. Friedrich looks very confused
and disconcerted, and he kind ofsteps back a little bit as he's
surveying this crane. And he turns to the proprietor
and says this is Archivist Chorp.
(35:13):
The proprietor nods as the archivist steps forward and she
is wearing a The only clothing she wears is like elegantly
woven scarf that she wears around her neck, and she sort of
adjusts it by sort of fluffing out her feathers and shaking
herself a little bit. She says yes, hello.
I have. I heard my name as his eye
archivist Sharp. I'm obsessed with her.
(35:36):
And she strikes a pose with her wing and she then sort of cranes
down to look at you. So to speak.
OK, so it's beautiful birds looking down at me.
She looks down at you and goes and.
Who are you? I don't think I recognize you.
Friedrich stammers out kind of nervously.
(36:00):
Greetings, Archivist Chorp, My name is Professor Friedrich
Weiss. I'm I'm here to inquire about a,
a paper that you've written. A professor and she sort of
cranes her head so to speak so to speak around to look at you
from 1 angle and then the other and just.
But not a professor of our university, are you?
(36:21):
I don't think I've seen you go through orientation, so to
speak. No, in my my home world I, I
haven't had the honour yet of enrolling in Candle Hall.
Well, be careful who you use that introduction with.
I am not prickly about it. After all, I'm not really caught
(36:43):
up in that whole institutional rat race.
I prefer to keep to my archives,but there are some who will get
very snappy with you. And she snaps her beak a couple
of times with her emphasis. I I flinch.
But you said you were. Looking for a paper, probably
(37:04):
not one that I've written, I. And she displays her.
Wings do not do a lot of writing, but perhaps something
that is contained in my archive.If you tell me a bit about who
wrote it or what it's about, I could probably fetch it for you.
Thank you. It was an interview with the
(37:24):
leader of the Piper Lords, Basil.
Well, I prefer not to say his last name.
Valerian explained a colloquialism to me that makes
me rather uncomfortable When anyway.
Basil Radnusy, yes a tasty man but does not go down smooth.
(37:45):
How about this? Order me a cup of tea and I will
be right back. Any preference on type?
Oh, don't worry, they know what I like here.
And she Swans, so to speak, out of the room, and you hear the
flapping of wings again as she takes off outside.
(38:06):
And in the time that it takes for you to order a cup of tea
for her, do you get one for yourself too?
Sure. Yeah, why not?
So in the time that it takes foryour tea and chorps to be made,
there is the flapping of wings and Chorp comes back and she has
a scroll clutched in her beak which she deposits on the table
between the two of you. Thank you, this will be most
(38:29):
useful in my research. Just be sure to return it in the
same condition that I have givenit to you in.
You can return it here. I'm afraid we will have to
become rather better acquainted before I reveal the location of
my archive to you. It is very exclusive and I like
to keep it that way. But.
(38:50):
It has been very. Nice to meet you, Professor
Friedrich. Well, not Professor.
I suppose. We'll have to see how that goes.
Have you introduced yourself to Ibn Carroll?
I'm afraid not. Oh, you'll have to speak to him.
Ibn is a great scholar and he's the Dean of the university in
his own world. I do understand that he was
(39:13):
perhaps considered the most learned man in all of his.
Pope. Society makes you wonder why he
left, indeed. Anyway, look at me here,
gossiping. Have a wonderful day.
And she reaches down and takes the edge of her teacup in her
beak and just tosses it and her whole head back and dumps the
(39:35):
tea down her beak and neck. George, George, George.
Literally, I want to fuck this bird.
How? How am I?
This is an alluring bird. This is a very alluring this.
Is a sensual bird. This bird is sensual.
I feel like every time I'm like this character, like this
character's made of rats and you're like, I want to fuck him.
(39:57):
This character's a literal bird.I want to fuck him.
OK, but like did you hear how she talked and like all when she
was talking about eating the ratMissy?
Like obviously she can get it. Like obviously she can get it.
So, Frederick, you take this paper back to your quarters to
study it. Yes.
Yes. What do you want to roll to read
(40:18):
this paper and to understand this paper?
I think it's got to be. Study.
I think it's got to be study. Yeah, it's got to be study and
could only be study. Yes, study.
And if I have two points in study?
Take the highest. OK, Oh, the highest is 6.
OK, you get great information about.
Weaknesses. So you read this paper about the
(40:41):
curse of Basal rat Massey and I I need to specify it is spelled
RATMASEY Macy, not Mussey. Yeah, but you're saying like?
MAT. I get it, I was thinking it was
AC but it's anyway it doesn't matter like I understand I was.
Spelling it MUSSY, yeah. I mean, if I was hearing if we
were. Saying Rat Massey, I'd be like,
oh, OK, but it's. Like a rat.
(41:03):
Mass, but it's rat mostly. That's how it's pronounced.
Pronounced rat Missy rap no whatever.
Anyway, it's. Anyway, you have all a bunch of
preverts and we know this about you.
Okay, So what you find out from this, it is a very comprehensive
(41:23):
study with a lot of scientific notation.
But Friedrich, you are like, this is not fucking science.
These sigils, these like the complex diagrams of sort of
magical looking symbols, that's not science.
It is, however, presented as though it is a scientific paper,
and it is the science of some world, just not one that you
(41:47):
respect. I mean to clarify by Friedrich
has a problem with like the terms like magic and ghosts, but
he believes that, you know, everything has a scientific
explanation. OK, well, so then maybe you're a
little less incredulous of this paper than I anticipated, but it
explains the mechanics of this curse, that there is no body
(42:08):
under there, it's just rats all the way down.
That the rats seem to all work in concerts and they are
controlled by his will. They are not individuals
thinking creatures as soon as they join the mass, but if he
sends them out of the mass, theydo retain some amount of
sentience until they join the mass again.
(42:29):
Very good to know. Extremely good to know.
Yes, and he is always adding rats to his mass and taking rats
out of the mass. So he is never like a consistent
size. You find that out from the paper
as well. You also find out that he cannot
be poisoned, that the rats neutralize the poison by of
(42:49):
having many mouths and many stomachs.
So that does sort of answer somequestions about what Valerian
was asking about. So can he not get high?
It seems that he is not able to get high, but he still keeps
trying. OK, OK, so he's just like
desperate to be high, but he can't actually.
Do it. He can't actually do it, no.
(43:10):
This paper theorizes that this is due to the curse.
The specific wording of the curse was such that Basil
himself was cursed to be he a pestilence.
He is himself a pestilence and therefore is immune to other
poisons and diseases. So if we set him on fire with a
flamethrower, we burned all of the rats to death.
(43:33):
Think that would do? It say anything about that in
the? Paper.
Did the paper say anything aboutthat?
Did they try that? The paper did not attempt to set
him on fire. No, no.
OK, There's a line in there, Friedrich, where the scholar
says that he attempted to convince Mr. Ratasi to to
subject himself to various attempts of extermination, rat
(43:53):
extermination. And the scholar notes that this
suggestion was not taken favorably and all further
questions have been denied. All right.
We didn't, I guess, learn too much about a weakness, but we
did learn about what won't work.Yeah.
Well, let me say you got a six. Let me give you something more
(44:14):
about a weakness. What you do find out about a
weakness is what I said before is that there's no human body
under there, that he's just ratsall the way down.
Yeah, if one could make these rats scatter.
Right. The author of the paper is not
certain because the kibosh was put on any more questions about
how to kill Basil. He's not certain, but he thinks
(44:36):
that perhaps if the rats could be convinced to dispel this
would dissolve Basil. And because the rats are
somewhat sentient what they are apart from him, this paper
theorizes that if they all left Basil Wood Parish.
Interesting, and I wonder if they still maintain their weird
immunity when they're off of hisbody.
I guess we have to try and find out.
(44:57):
You have to find out. Yeah.
So that's what you learn about the weaknesses and strengths of
the leader of the Piper Lords. Awesome.
Well, I copy it down so that I can return the scroll to the the
cafe where Chorp can get it. OK.
Anything else you guys want to do to gather information before
we figure out what we want to donext?
Then you have one more thing. Yeah, I was thinking maybe I
(45:19):
could bring Pepper with me, the bright water collective we need
to learn about. I mean I could in theory bring
Valerian too, but it might be bad since he's.
Yeah, I probably shouldn't go over there.
Dealing with the Piper Lords, yeah.
Yeah, we can go. And I think, yeah, I'd want
pepper with me for protection. I'll protect you.
So I think it'd be good to see what we can learn about the
Bright Water Collective. Where do they live again?
(45:39):
They are in the Dark Lamp Canal and their base is a club that is
located on the canal itself on abarge.
The club is called the Star SongLounge and it is pretty much the
polar opposite of the Rat Scary Club.
It is a dazzling hideaway for the discerning patron.
(46:01):
The large upper deck of the barge is host to a crew armed
with guns and other long range weapons that keep the canal
monsters and any possible intruders at Bay.
The lower deck is home to a sparkling cocktail lounge, which
specializes in hallucinogenic concoctions.
Inside, there are conversation pits with low sofas and cushions
(46:22):
for lounging, while the twinkling lights set into the
low ceiling and walls give the illusion that you're hanging
suspended in a night sky. There's a performer dressed in a
gossamer gown. And actually, when you guys
enter Pepper, you recognize thatperformer.
She is the woman who told you off for performing in public.
I mean, I was going to say, I assume I've probably been here
(46:44):
before. Oh yeah.
Like this is my neighborhood, this.
Is your neighborhood. You've definitely popped in
here, but you also definitely couldn't afford anything here.
No, no, no, I just like, walked around.
Yeah, you walked around and thenthey were like I.
Convinced someone to buy me a drink.
Yeah, there you go. You flirted your way into a
drink, and it was a great drink when you did that, by the way.
Like, this is the sort of place where they, like, make craft
(47:04):
cocktails out of, like, homemadeflavored syrups and bitters and
things like that. It's a very, like, alchemical
approach to cocktail making. There are servers in silver
uniforms that mill around the room tempting patrons with
drinks and drugs of all varieties, which they carry in
candy striper style trays that are strung around their necks.
(47:24):
What do you guys want to do? You guys are in the Clerb.
Well, first of all, we all fam. You all fam in the Clerb.
Good point. You're in the clerb in your
clerbing outfits. Yeah, Oh.
Pepper runs to the bar because she wants to get some more of
the drinks she had last time, which is called a new fashion.
(47:47):
Nice, yes, A new fashion. You are served at the bar by a
heavyset gentleman with blue hair and a pink beard who's
dressed in a blue velvet waistcoat that's studded with
diamonds. I know his name.
What's his name? I know.
His name? He wears long dangling silver
earrings and has little Silver Stars painted under his eyes.
And when he smiles, his teeth are straight, white, thin and
(48:10):
numerous. This is Radu Watan.
He is the artistic visionary behind the Star Song Lounge.
Radu, hi, it's great to see you again.
Miss Pepper, welcome back in. And I see you've brought a
friend this. Is my dad and.
I look uncomfortable. Which I just want to say like,
(48:30):
we're like the same age, but Pepper's just used to like
that's our cover. I mean, I will say his age is
very ambiguous because I'm basing him on, and you know,
these silent film melodramas, you can never really tell how
old people are. But still, Radu sort of looks
down at you. Pepper, when you say this is I
(48:51):
see your father, your father from a different world.
I don't think you 2 look like you came from the same place.
We did so egg on your face. And Friedrich just kind of looks
around nervously, like he's not sure what Pepper is trying to
do, but he doesn't contradict her.
Well, what can I get you new fashioned?
(49:12):
New fashion, new fashion. New fashion, new fashion.
Any points at you, Friedrich newfashioned?
Or just have a water. Boring.
Boring. Your dad's boring.
Yeah, he is. Not boring, we're broke.
Oh. Oh yeah?
She looks at Roddy with huge eyes.
I guess we are broke. I guess I'll just not get the
(49:34):
new fashioned. I'll have a water too.
We'll both be boring, Dad, it's OK.
And Friedrich just looks exhausted.
And Radu nods sadly, and he goes, how about this?
I'll get you some juice, yes. And he goes, you know, does some
(49:54):
little fixing behind the bar andhe hands each of you a glass, a
really beautiful like hand blownglass with sparkling juice in
it. This is going to blow your mind.
Dad And when you take a sip of that juice, it is champagne and.
Frederick is like very surprisedand he like looks over at Pepper
(50:17):
like wondering what complex intellectual like psyop she's
done to. This person and.
When you take a sip of the champagne rod like winks at you
like. Pepper winks back and she starts
up a conversation with him abouthis beautiful outfit today and
how amazing he looks. Oh yes, he praises and he says
(50:38):
thank you, thank you. I think this will be sort of our
last hurrah for the Star Song Lounge.
I'm already working on the theming for our next
transformation. Before you arrived, we were the
Treetop Lounge and we had a sortof jungle theme going.
I liked that, but it was watering all of those plants was
kind of a pain. I think I want to do something
based off of Epitrea. It was very inspiring, all of
(51:00):
the marble and the columns and the togas.
I haven't come up with a name with it yet, though.
The Toga room doesn't quite. It's not very snappy.
Is it? The the the stock, the the stone
Toga lounge. A bit of a mouthful, but we'll
keep working on it. I haven't nailed everything down
(51:20):
yet, but I thought Mattersburgerand Co could at least outfit me
for one less hurrah for the whole star theme.
I was just trying to distract him while you.
Sculpt around. But I was actually thinking, I
think Friedrich is a little likedazzled, like he's looking at
this mysterious. Person Well, then in that case,
(51:41):
Pepper looks at you if he does, like meaningfully while she's
talking to Roddy, as if as if tosay like, go away.
Friedrich is just staring like in fascination at this person.
And then slowly, like, Pepper stops talking and like looks
between them and she's like, OK dad, I'm going to go get laid.
(52:06):
And Friedrich spits. Out the chili, Roger.
You'll take care of my dad, won't you?
He's very delicate. Of course, of course, Pepper.
Go have fun. Leave him in one piece.
I don't have a joke. Leave that in.
(52:27):
Leave that in. Pepper skips away and she's
going to, you know, scope out whatever she can, but OK.
Friedrich, is there anything you'd like to say to Radu or are
you just staring slack jawed? No, I do want to say so, Mr.
Woton Are you a member of the Brightwater Collective then?
(52:48):
Hi, yes, yes, the finest. I don't like the we all call
ourselves gangs. You know, it's a little bit
violent, right? But yes, I am a member of the
collective. I'm one of the most senior
members in fact. And he sort of does a little
like shoulder and head shake. So we're very proud of himself,
he says. Which is why I've been placed in
(53:09):
charge of this lovely establishment.
They trust my impeccable taste. He leans in close to you,
Friedrich, and he sort of gestures you close and goes.
You're not really her dad, are you?
Well, no, but. I didn't think so.
You start to get a sense of these things, those longer
you've been on the train, you know, you can sort of tell when.
(53:30):
Who's a dad? Who's not a dad?
Who's a dad who's not a dad who belongs to a black and white
world and who belongs to a colorful 1?
You know, you look like you're from a black and white world.
I I'm not sure what you mean. It's.
It's a sense, you know, a world that doesn't have the vibrant
colours of some of the others. Well, I mean, it's hard to tell.
(53:51):
If I showed you a colour chart and then you could tell me the
brightest shade of red on it, itwould be the middle shade, or
perhaps one of the less saturated ones.
Fascinating. Well, I I heard that your
collective recently made a rather large score.
Yes, beat out the Piper Lords for it too.
(54:12):
Can I tell you I wasn't involvedin that?
I don't really like going outside the train.
It's all very fascinating for the first, you know, 2 or 300
stops, but eventually sort of get sick of the constant change.
Anyway, our away team did a fantastic job, beat out the
Piper Lords. The Piper Lords were on our
turf. To be fair, they were
trespassing on our hallowed ground.
(54:33):
But you know, it's all in good fun, all in good competition.
It's it's healthy. It's very healthy.
It must have been difficult to get something past them.
I I've heard they have that man that can disintegrate things
just by pointing. Yes, at the creep he did try and
disintegrate one of us that thatdid happen.
Yes, yes, I I hear they're fine though.
(54:56):
Well, missing some skin, but youknow who needs all their skin?
Right. Well, the Piper Lords do seem a
rather unsavory organization, but they treat you well here at
the Brightwater Collective. Oh yes, Bal is fabulous.
Bal Berry. A scholar, Really.
(55:18):
A scholar of altered states. Some might think it is a
negative to have your leader sampling your wares and all of
that, but I think of it as a positive.
He knows what's good and what's not.
He knows what'll sell and what won't.
And he treats us fantastically. We don't recruit much.
And that allows us to be a very equitable organization.
(55:38):
You know, everybody has their role to play.
Everybody takes an equal share. And we all get along pretty much
fine, except for Cindy. But she is just an unpleasant
person and we can't hold that against her.
She's a good sort. She's a good sort.
Just don't talk to her or do I guess.
Well, thank you for the tip. Of course, of course, of course.
(56:02):
Say, have you? Ever been?
There's a great bar out in Candle Hall.
Oh, what is it called? It's a.
It's a piano bar. Very, very nice.
You look like the sword. Who'd like a piano bar?
I mean, I, I haven't been, but I'm, I'm willing to hear you
out. Well, good.
It's a date then I'll take you out there sometime.
(56:25):
And Friedrich's face just turns fast.
So red. And Madhu Radhu laughs really
big. Booming laughing says I was
wrong. Your world had some color in it,
after all. And Friedrich scrambles in his
(56:46):
pockets to find like some loose change to tip with and sets it
down and just very rigidly gets up and walks.
Away and Pepper dances out of the crowd and she has like glow
paints on her face and like she has like 2 more drinks in her
hands and she's like dad come dance.
(57:10):
Pepper, what would you like to roll to?
Learn anything else about the club here.
Here's what I'll do. I'm going to actually, I'm going
to roll Prowl, I think, OK, Because as I've been dancing,
collecting body paint and sparkles and glow rings and
drinks and whatever, I've also been collecting information, OK?
(57:31):
And I didn't do very well. I got 3.
OK, so that is going to be limited information.
OK, I'll say what you get with that is pretty drunk and high
and one drink is alcohol and theother, it is something that is
making the room just sort of glow and sparkle.
And it's sort of like these conversation pits around the
room are all themed in differentcolors.
(57:52):
And that combined with the blackpaints and the sparkly lights
and it just sort of you're like,I am in a Galaxy.
I am a star, star among planets.And all of these, like other
people who are dancing, they arethe Stardust around me.
And oh, what is that door over there?
(58:13):
So I notice a door. You do notice a door to a
backroom. And it says pirate on it.
I assume it. Says employees only while you're
watching that door, you see thatthe servers with their little
candy striper trays are going inand out of that room.
So that seems to be where they keep their supplies.
Okay, nice. And then I drunkenly highly
(58:36):
stumble over to Friedrich. I said.
And is that all the information we can get here?
Do we just need to go home or could?
We I mean if there anything elseyou want to try and find out,
you can tell me what you would want to roll for it.
I mean, we're going to have to steal from them, right?
So I guess we. Should case the joint.
Should we case the joint? OK, yeah.
She grabs Friedrich and pulls him into the swirl of dancing.
(58:59):
And she tilts her head and winksover at the door.
And she goes. I just think, like, this place
is awesome and like, that's likethat.
I think that's where I think that's that's where it's
happening. Did you fuck that guy?
What I saw sparks one. I'm just saying.
(59:23):
I don't know what you're talkingabout, but but Pepper, we need
to focus that you said the goodsare behind that door.
Dad, I'm focused. I'm locked in.
Where? What door?
Yeah. Why don't we see if we can
subtly scope it out? Let's.
Do it. All right.
(59:47):
I think this would probably be asurvey.
Friedrich, I I think this would go to you since Pepper has not a
lot of survey left. We'll try.
My survey's pretty low, so I could be.
I only have one. I could be too.
I have none. Oh OK, well Pepper can lead this
because she is like she's tryingher best.
She's ready to go and now she's hyped up, she's looking at that
(01:00:07):
door and she's locked in with her high drunk brain and she's
going to notice everything aboutit and then later on she's not
going to remember anything. About this night, except for the
door. All right.
OK, I got 5. OK.
Pepper locks in pepper is like blinking rapidly.
So with that five, I'm going to give you 2 things You notice 1st
(01:00:29):
that the lock on this door is like a really good luck.
You don't know a ton about locks, but you can tell this is
not cheap like they have invested in some security here.
You also go out onto the outsideof the barge.
You can see that there it is, a small porthole window on the
side of the barge that would lead into that room.
(01:00:49):
It's big enough for a person to fit through.
Yep, it's big enough for a skinny person to squeeze
through. OK, what about a very short
person? I was going to say, maybe a
little wisp of a scholar could wriggle through.
So if Pepper goes through, it's going to be a gentleman prefer
blonde situation. It might be a bit of a Winnie
the Pooh. OK.
Yeah. All right, great to know.
(01:01:09):
Twinks only. Twinks only is what I see above
the door. And Pepper, like Friedrich was
the one telling her to like, focus up, and she did.
And then she grabs onto Friedrich's face with like, one
hand on both sides of his face. And she's like, I know what to
do. We're going to be OK.
(01:01:32):
All right, he says. Kind of trying to extricate your
hands from his. Face and she presses her
forehead against your forehead and she's like, Dad, we're going
to be OK. So uncomfortable.
I have to go to the bathroom, OK, I have to be really bad.
Congratulations. Where's?
(01:01:53):
She looks around, she's like, mydad never tells me where the
bathroom is and she wanders away.
All right. I'll say that is a very
successful gathering of information.
You guys have gathered the hell out of the information.
Got a lot of information and I feel really good about it.
OK. This is such AI.
(01:02:41):
Was not prepared for this to be such a horny episode.
Horny as fuck dude. Something you.
Rat and the rat Man and the and the.
Bird, it's so true. Rat man, bird woman, Flamboyant
gay man I. Mean he sounds amazing.
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