October 7, 2025 • 43 mins
In this deeply personal podcast episode, I share the emotional journey of my father’s passing on October 6th, 2025, capturing the raw beauty and pain of our final moments together. I reflect on his battle with melanoma, our last conversation, and the spiritual strength that guided me. This tribute aims to break the silence around death, offering solace and inspiration to anyone facing loss. Check out my show over on Fountain: https://www.fountain.fm/show/nUTYcMtl4yMuoKHljZWu Become a supporting member of Liberty Lockdown here!: https://libertylockdown.locals.com/ This is where I do monthly AMA's for supporting members only Super valuable stuff! Twitter: https://twitter.com/LibertyLockPod Pickup LL shirts over at https://www.toplobsta.com/products/ll-lakers?_pos=5&_sid=e7319ba4a&_ss=r&variant=40668064186434 NEW DESIGNS JUST DROPPED All links: https://www.libertylockdownpodcast.com/ Linktree: https://linktr.ee/libertylockdown As always, if you leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts with your social media handle I'll read it on next weeks show (audio version only)! Love you long time Liberty Lockdown presents a variety of opinions, sometimes opposing and controversial. They are not representative of the host of the podcast. Guests are encouraged to express their opinions in a safe and equitable environment.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
On October sixth, at seven fifty six pm Eastern Time,
my dad, Daniel died. I don't know if I'm going
to put this episode out. I don't even know if
I'm doing the right thing, but it has been such
a powerful six week process that I feel like, even
(00:20):
if I don't end up publishing this, I want the
record for myself. So I'm gonna tell these stories because
I think it's it'll be very therapeutic for me, and
I think that ultimately I don't want to forget the
details because they were so special and so so incredible.
So I'm going to do this. I don't know if
anyone's ever gonna hear it. What a weird thing to do.
(00:41):
But so the reason I'm inspired to do this is,
you know, other than the fact that I'm inspired by
my dad, is that I made a post last night
when I was at the hospital, and it went crazy viral,
and the response to it was basically a therapy session
for the world and everyone who is ever lost a
parent or a loved one for that matter. I can't
(01:03):
tell you. I mean, I don't know if it's ten
thousand replies or something crazy. It's extraordinary and it seemed
to be very, very therapeutic for people, and it really
helped me. So that's why I'm doing this is that.
And the context of that post was that, you know,
people don't talk about this, They don't talk about the
(01:23):
loss of a parent, and really we don't talk about
death at all. And I don't know if I'm going
to get too high minded and talk, you know, about
that right now, but I do want to tell the story.
So yesterday I was I was asked by my dad's
(01:44):
wife to basically fill in for her, which we had
been doing. More or less. We had been cycling on
and off. My dad's been in the hospital for nine
days after fighting me tooth and nail and absolutely refusing
to get care until the very, very very last minute,
and it was too late. Also, just so you guys know,
(02:04):
because I'm sure there's some curiosity, my dad was seventy
two years old when he passed, and he had stage
four melanoma. It had started on his upper cheekbone and
then he had a spot on his nose and the
other side and it just kept coming back. But more importantly,
he just he didn't really address it. In January, he
(02:25):
had this large, large, blotch on his nose that the
doctor had scheduled him to actually have removed, and instead
of doing so, he went back to California and he
stayed there for four months before he got it taken out.
And you know, I'm I can take some solace in
the fact that I told him in January it may
have been February that Dad, if you don't address this,
(02:47):
melanoma is crazy dangerous and it'll probably get in near blood,
it'll spread to your organs, it'll kill you. And he said,
I'll get it handled, Clint, and he didn't. I mean,
he did, but five months too late. So anyways, about
six weeks ago, or I guess it's two months ago. Now,
(03:08):
this has been a very very trying time and very
hard to keep track of time. So about two months
ago I am informed that he's sick. But you know,
we like we usually would see each other twice a month,
go to lunch, go to dinner. Not like crazy close,
but a very close relationship for sure, And we would
(03:28):
have phone calls probably weekly. And he was the biggest
fan of this show, the biggest fan, and he would
force feed it to everyone in his life. He would
put it on and then he'd be like, you want
to watch my son? He was very very proud of me.
I don't know how I'm getting through this without crying.
I'm sure I will break down at some point, but
(03:49):
I've cried so much over the past week and really
over the past month, that I feel like I'm I'm tapped,
and I'm just I'm I don't know. I have I
have great peace, and you'll understand if you stick with
me through this conversation. So about six weeks ago, maybe
two months ago, he's sick. He has an ear infection,
is what he tells me, and his energy is very
(04:10):
low and he's not eating, and I'm like, okay, well
that sounds pretty serious. Are you seeing a doctor? And
he's like, oh yeah, I'm gonna go see a doctor.
See an ear, you know, get ear drops, and that's
what he does, and it doesn't fix it. Come to
find out much later than in fact, it's a tumor
that is in his ear, so it had spread. We
(04:31):
find out about three weeks ago that the tumors, the melanoma,
has obviously gotten it into his blood, as I had warned,
and it has spread to virtually all his major organs.
I mean it was his adrenals, his liver, his lung,
his uh. I think his kidney was okay, but they
said at one point, one of the doctors said blood
and bone so deep. And then we found out very
(04:55):
late that in fact, that thing in his ear was
a tumor as well melanoma, and it was likely in
his brain at that point. I don't know that, and
ultimately it doesn't matter. It was so so pervasive that
it was going to be fatal no matter what. So anyways,
his wife asked me to sit in with him, and
I was going back anyway, so that was no big deal.
(05:17):
But I hadn't been spending the night. I had been
going over there and spending four to six hours every
day with him and that was great. And this was
when he was still talking. But last night, you know,
he stopped talking on Thursday. So Wednesday of last week
was the last conversation that I will now ever have
with my dad. And it was so powerful, it was
(05:40):
so good. If you're a fan of this show, then
you already know what I'm talking about. But I did
this episode. I think it was like second Shooter on
the roof, talking about the Kirk case, and the last
ten minutes of it is just this, you know, loving
story about my childhood with my dad and how I
realized that this is the end, most likely, and that
(06:02):
I just wanted him to know how special he was
to me, and I wanted him to hear it, and
because he had been in the hospital, I knew he
hadn't heard it, and I knew he was such a
big fan, not of the show but of me really
that I just it would not be right if he
didn't hear that. So long story short, Wednesday, it is
(06:23):
like my last chance. I didn't know it at the time,
but it's my last chance to talk to my dad,
and thank god I took this opportunity. Everybody stepped out
of the room, so it's just he and I and
I'm the type that, like, I don't really want to
be super emotional in a crowd, which is weird because
I'm doing this, but you know what I mean, I'm
(06:44):
by myself right now. This doesn't feel like there's a crowd.
And I tell him that I know that you never
miss an episode of my show, but I'm pretty sure
you missed an episode because you haven't talked to me
about this and I'd like to play you something and
he said okay. And he's very weak already, you know,
his voice is very very soft, and he's starting to
(07:08):
detach from his body, but he's he's still present like
that day. He's present, he's able to have a conversation.
In fact, it was the most healthy he had been
or present, i should say, in days. So very fortunate.
So I have this one on one time and my
aunt and my uncle are in the hallway and his
wife in the hallway, so it's just he and I
and I and I asked him and he says, oh, yeah, absolutely,
(07:28):
that'd be great. And I start to play it and
immediately I start to cry, and he does too. He
grabs my hand and we just look at each other.
We just look at each other for a long time.
(07:49):
And he still thought I was crazy. He thought there
was no chance he was dying. He was. He was like,
He's like, this is great, but I'm gonna be fine.
He wasn't. He wasn't gonna be fine. But I love
that about him, you know it. Oh his stubbornness drove
(08:12):
me fucking crazy. As I'm trying to get him healthcare
and he just refuses adamantly. He's like, oh, I got
a doctor's appartment in a week, he can wait. And
I'm like, D like, I'm pretty sure you have cancer
and like it's taken you quick. You haven't eaten in weeks,
and he's like, I got a doctor's apartment a week,
It'll be fine. But anyways, he just grabs my hand
(08:32):
and he just he just you know, he tells me
everything that he needs to say, and I tell him
everything I need to say, and it's just so good
to have that. And you know, I could get into
the specifics, just broadly speaking, it was like, you know,
he just got to tell me how proud he was
of me, how much he loved me, and vice versa,
and you know, truly we were each other's biggest fans
(08:54):
and or for the reck. So about halfway through that
ten minute segment of my show and we're likes, he's laughing.
He's like he's really he's remembering these stories that I'm telling,
especially the childhood one, and he's I can just tell
he's very touched. You know, I hadn't seen any emotion
(09:15):
from him throughout this process, really, you know, other than
irritability and sadness, you know, that was really a discomfort,
and this was the first time that he cried. You know,
he teared big time, and so did I. Anyways, my
uncle Rod shout out to Uncle Rod. He walks in
and he's just immediately overwhelmed because he recognizes what's happening
(09:40):
because he had already heard it. And he just sits
in the corner and he doesn't say a word and
he just lets us have our moment and thank you
for that. So anyways, that's the last time he talks.
That's the last time he talks to me. And I
go home that night and I'm actually thinking, you know,
maybe I am overstating this. Maybe he is going to recover.
(10:02):
He's so stubborn. Maybe he can just ignore this. He'lp
be fine. I don't know. And I get back to
the hospital the next day and he is no longer talking,
and he's still able to move, but he doesn't move
on command. He doesn't move based off of what you
have to say to him. If you ask him to
(10:24):
squeeze your hand, there's nothing. And it turns out that
we think. I don't I don't even know if I'll
ever know, because I don't think that they're going to
do an autopsy because he you know, why would they.
But I think I think the tumor in his ear
or slash brain caused a brain bleed, and I think
that a portion of his brain, probably the speech function,
(10:46):
or maybe more than that, had been destroyed. Most likely,
I'm really not sure. But he's he's almost almost in
a coma. But I think people in a coma don't
move around. I don't know that. This is not my expertise.
So anyways, he's alive, but he's just basically laying there
(11:07):
and and he can't react to what you say, even
though he does he will move when you talk to him,
so it's like he recognizes a familiar voice and he
he reacts. So maybe he can here, maybe he can't understand,
he just can't talk. I'm not I'm really not sure.
So that's how he was from Thursday until today. And
(11:31):
so she asked me last night to go, you know,
swap swap her out, because she's been there and she's exhausted,
and I totally respected that, and she wants to she
wants to get some sleep at home because it's an
absolute nightmare to try and sleep in the hospital. There's
lights and people coming in and taking tests of him
and stuff, and it's just absolutely brutal. So it's just
(11:54):
he and I and I'm so grateful that I had
this opportunity. And I'm gonna actually read it to you
because because it seemed to be very impactful on people,
and I think it's important that you know what I'm
talking about. Actually, I'll share it. Screw it, let's share
it so you guys know what I'm talking about and
you can see the photo because this is truly what
(12:15):
it was. I thought long and hard about whether or
not to post the photo, and I ended up cropping
it to remove him from it, because you know, it's
already weird to talk about something like this, and I
just wanted to make it very clear that this was
not intended to be exploitative of him, that it was
supposed to be an honor of him. You know, that
(12:38):
was my motivation. So I think people got it. As
you can tell, this is Miami, downtown Miami, and he's
got the IV with I had asked them to put
him on steroids because it could bring down the brain inflammation.
I was hoping that it might bring him back so
that he could talk to us, but that never happened.
So I say to him, all right, I say to
the world, say, it's just my dad and I in
(12:59):
the hospital tonight. I want to tell you what this
is like, because no one ever told me, and I
wish they had. It could be hours or it could
be days, but he is dying. I read this short
book called Gone from My Sight, which lays out, step
by step, every aspect of the dying process. It gave
me great comfort. I got to take a brief pause.
My mom has ran hospice for twenty years and like
(13:20):
as a management placement person, and she's been around and
dealt with death and dying for decades. So she's a
great resource on this and I'm so appreciative that she
told me this. I talked to her last I can't
believe it's only last night, but I talked to her
last night and she tells me about this book. It's
like it really it's a booklet. It's almost like a pamphlet.
It's very short. She tells me to read or listen
(13:44):
to it. I immediately do. I'm so glad I did,
because what I realized in it is that, like, oh,
I've been watching my dad die for two months, and
I didn't I didn't know. I knew instinctually, but I
didn't know no, as Candice own says, so continuing on
it gave me great comfort. This is natural. In some ways.
It is as beautiful as childbirth. That's not what the
(14:05):
book said, just the overwhelming emotion I was left with.
He stopped eating almost entirely about a month ago, and
stopped speaking four days ago. I am very fortunate and
grateful that he and I had a tear filled conversation
on the last day he will ever speak. It was
so beautiful. I don't even have words for it. Obviously
I do now, but at the time I did not.
He had withdrawn from me two months ago, but that
is exactly what dying people do. I just didn't know,
(14:28):
and I don't know, and I doubt he did either.
His eyelids remain slightly open, and you can see him
looking around as if in a dream state. To me,
he is likely reliving fond memories and reconciling any items
left undone. He moves when I speak to him, but
I believe it's just the familiar voice of a loved
one that causes him to stir. He is not truly present,
a few toes left on earth, and the rest of
(14:48):
him lifting away from me towards his next chapter. He
is not gone. He will not be gone. He will
just be gone from my sight. If anyone had told
me that the week my dad died would be one
of the best of my life, I would have thought
they were crazy here, sociopathic. But that's what this has been.
I've never felt closer to him. I have never felt
closer to God. To hold his hand as he dies,
(15:10):
his life come full circle. He was the first to
hold my hand, and I will be the last to
hold his. I have done my duty as his son,
and he did a great job as my father. Don't
get me wrong. It hurts terribly, but only because the
bond runs so deep. I love you, Dad. It's okay
for you to go. I can't believe I read that
without crying. Good job, Clinton, you're keeping it together. My
(15:36):
dad died like a couple hours ago. Guys, like it's
eleven forty eight. He died at seven fifty six, So
this is what is that? Nine ten eleven, less than
four hours ago. Oh? I really don't know if I
should be doing this but I'm gonna keep going. I really,
I really I need to have these memories like locked
(15:58):
in because it was really spectacular. And once I tell
you what happened, you're going to understand why. That's how
you do a cliffhanger. Folks, Oh man, what a cliff hanger.
Oh I can't believe it happened. It doesn't even feel real.
So anyways, So I spend the night there and I
am just having like every hour, maybe least probably every
(16:23):
thirty minutes twenty minutes, I go over to him and
I kiss his head and I hold his hand and
I talk to him and I just tell him everything
I need to say. And then I feel like I've
said everything, and I'm like, nope, you know. I go
sit down and I, you know, wash something on my
phone or whatever, and then I go, nope, I got
more to say, and I get back up. And a
lot of it is like a lot of it's for
(16:45):
me to like get stuff off my chest and express
things that I feel are very important that I do.
But most of it it's just about love. It's just
about caring for him. It's just about comfort, trying trying
to comfort him because I do not know, you know
what he is experiencing. I don't know because he can't
he can't communicate. But I'm just saying everything that comes
(17:08):
to my mind, everything that I'm like, I've got to
say this. I have to say, like whatever, whatever that
thing is that you're like, God, I wish I had
told my parent this, or I need to tell my
dad or my mom this. I got that chance and
I did that, and I'm so deeply grateful that I
had that time with him. It was obviously one of
the hardest nights of my life, but also legitimately one
(17:30):
of the best nights of my life. So spiritually aligning,
fulfilling in ways that I It's going to be hard
for me to describe, but I'm going to try. So anyways,
we have an amazing night together. And I know that
sounds weird because I'm with my dad who's dying, but
it was amazing, so spiritually aligned and like our like
our souls were connected for real. So anyways, I can't
(17:56):
sleep though, because it's it's just very hard, and I
I think I fall asleep for maybe forty five minutes,
maybe an hour if I'm lucky, and I wake up
with the sunrise and it's seven ish, and I uh,
I texted his lady and I, you know, I tell her,
I gotta go home. I got to sleep, Like I
(18:16):
don't know when he's going to pass, but if he
passes and I'm sleep deprived, I don't know if I
can handle it. You know. That was that was the rationale,
and it was I was being sincere. I really was
concerned about my own mental health because I was like,
this is this is big shit. It really is big shit.
And so she says, okay, and she's like, I'm on
(18:37):
my way there, go ahead. So I leave and I
go home, which is like a forty five minute drive.
And I get home and I can't sleep, of course,
because all I'm thinking the entire time is like, my
dad's gonna die while I'm asleep, and I could have
been there for him, even though I've been with him
like NonStop for six weeks or two months or whatever
it's been. But it's really hard, and I have this
(18:59):
moment of you know, it like all hits me. Finally,
I'm like, I know he's dying. I know, it's like
it's so close. I just just like epiphany kind of
style or God telling me or me knowing. I don't know.
I don't know, but I knew, and I sob deeply.
I cry as hard as I have ever cried ever,
(19:22):
like legitimately, like and it was weird because I almost
felt as if I was an observer of myself during that,
like like I was watching me do it, but I
was crying so deeply and it was so good, it
was so necessary. Anyways, and then I'm like, I've got it.
(19:45):
I've got to get to sleep because I've got to
get back to my dad because I want to be
with him when he dies. That's like that's my whole
mission for today. But also I like still have self
care in mind, like Okay, yeah, you want to be
there for him, but make sure that you can handle
this claiint. And I'm like, I'm trying to balance these things.
And so I pray, which I don't do often, but
(20:06):
I have done a lot over the past month. And
once again, sure is shit. I have this massive vibrational
energy that is just like just everywhere just emanating off me. Powerful,
super powerful, And because I've posted about it, you know,
people are telling me that's the Holy Spirit, and I
(20:30):
genuinely believe as though God has been with me through this,
all of it, and he has given me strength that
I did not know I have. I was telling my
stepdad about it and my mom that I've discovered reservoirs
of strength within me that I did not know I had.
And I think God granted me that ability in this
(20:52):
time that I needed to be this now. And I
don't know that I was ready, but I was ready,
that makes any sense at all, But I was so oh.
(21:20):
So I fall asleep and I sleep so hard, so hard,
but I only sleep for like sixty minutes or ninety minutes.
But I wake up and I'm like covered and drool
and I'm like, oh, how long have I been asleep?
And not long, not long at all. I'm like, did
(21:41):
I miss it. I'm looking at my phone. I'm like
expecting a test text message like your dad's dead, and no,
there's nothing. Like nobody's even reached out to me in
that time, Like, oh great, I did it. I slept.
I feel refreshed, I feel re energized. I can do this.
I'm gonna get back to my dad. But I'm like,
I better eat. I haven't eaten in over a day,
so I grab a salad and I'm eating and I think,
(22:03):
I call. Yeah, I call his brother and his sister,
my aunt and uncle, and I update them on his condition.
And I explained that, like, it's happening, it's imminent. And
they had been with us up until Wednesday, so they
got to see him on the last day he spoke
to and God, God bless him and them and everybody
for that opportunity. So anyways, I have a lengthy conversation
with them. I update them, I'm like, it's imminent, it's happening.
(22:24):
And and then I finally, you know, get my car
and head down there. Forty five minute drive and I
arrive at and this this like, I know this sounds
like minutia, but it's super important, so I'm going to
tell you all of it. I arrive at seven twenty six.
(22:45):
If you remember the time that they called it, you'll
understand why that's important. So anyways, I walk in and
his wife and her daughter are in the room with him,
and he's still there. I'm like, Wow, what a legend.
I don't know how he's still hanging on, but he is.
(23:08):
And but I know, I know, like it's it's close.
And they say, here take have some time with him.
I'm like, oh, this is great. So they stepped in
the hallway and it's just he and I again, just
like it was the night before. And I get to
say a lot of the same things that I had
already said, but some new things and and with a
(23:28):
deeper sense of I don't want to say sincerity, but
like urgency, that's what it is like, and like full
connection with the words, not not I'm saying what I
should say right now, saying what I what I feel
deeply and what needs to be said, and like concise,
(23:53):
nothing extra, just love him, comfort him, guide him, release him.
This is not conscious. I'm just I'm explaining it in hindsight, obviously.
But I tell him, you know, you fought your whole
life to be free, as I've told you guys before.
He's he was a libertarian for forty plus fifty years almost.
(24:16):
I say, you fought your whole life to be free,
and you're about to feel what like true freedom is
the one thing that no one in this mortal coil
can experience. And I and I just say, you know,
it's like this is really a special time and and
I want you to embrace it. I want you to
know that you get to you get to answer that
one thing that none of us get to answer until
(24:39):
this time, and how special that is, and to embrace
the journey, to embrace the exploration and the piece that
comes with it. And you know, he and I had
always had kind of a peer relationship, very business relationship,
but a lot of that comes to like him genuinely
respecting me as an adult man, you know, and it's,
(25:03):
oh God, James Blunt monster, if you want to really cry,
listen to that right right after this, or pause this
and listen to that right now. It's ah, I'm not
your I'm not your son, you're not my father, or
just two grown men saying goodbye. And that's what it was.
(25:27):
It was so good anyways. So I tell him, you know,
because we had had a working relationship at parts of
my life in adulthood, and you know, I just expressed
to him that, like, you've carried a lot, you know,
as the patriarch if you will, and you're probably still
here because of that, that you don't you don't have
(25:50):
faith that these things can be accomplished. And I want
you to know that they will be that that weight
that you carry I can't. I can't. I'm ready and
(26:14):
I meant it and I do and I feel it
and I know it so and I just expressed to
him over and over again, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay,
you can let go. And what's weird is I again,
I have this reservoir I didn't know I had. And
(26:34):
I tell him, I tell him all of this without crying,
like for the first ten minutes. It's like I end
up with fifteen minutes with him, and the first ten
minutes no crime. It is just like it is. I'm smiling.
I am smiling as I tell my dying dad that
(26:55):
I got this. How I had that strength, I don't know.
But in the last five minutes, you know, after I've
already said all of the like dutiful things that I
(27:17):
feel compelled to say in that moment, I feel then
the loss comes. Then it's like, I'm gonna miss you
so much, and I ball. I mean, it's it comparable
to that that sobbing fit that I had in the
middle of the day. And and I put my my
(27:38):
head on all right, I'm kissing his forehead throughout this,
And then I put my forehead on his and I
cry on to him and it's just like it's just
and this all sounds like, this all sounds like a movie.
So I think that's the other reason I wanted to
have a record of it for myself is because it's like,
(28:00):
at some point I'll start to not believe that it
because it's so ridiculous, but it did. It all happen,
and uh and I and then I can you know,
the tears are like literally falling on his forehead and
on his cheeks, and I'm and I'm wiping them away
and it's just so good. It's just and I know
(28:21):
that sounds weird, but it is. It was so good.
It was so connected, so deeply connected, not just not
just father to son, but both of us to God
for real, just a power flowing through me. I'm so
(28:55):
grateful for it, and I'm so grateful for this opportunity.
And it's breath at this point. And I know this
because the book pamphlet thing that my mom recommended to
me that you know you're as you're dying, And he's
gone through all the phases and I've recognized them now
(29:16):
in hindsight, and I'm like, he's only got a few
phases left, you know, and I know that your blood
pressure drops and your breathing slows almost to a crawl.
And I knew that his blood pressure had dropped and
his breathing was extraordinarily slow. He was breathing very shallowly,
(29:37):
and maybe once every twenty seconds. It was like just
barely there. And uh oh God, it's not on myself.
I've had a hard month. But I hope this is therapeutic.
If I publish this, I hope this helps people ways
(30:01):
his uh so, he's this is as I'm crying on
to him, he just stops. He just stops breathing. And
at the time I didn't really even recognize it because
his breathing was so slowed that this twenty second gap
(30:23):
that uh oh oh, one other note of what I'm
saying to him, And I just say over and over again,
it's okay for you to go, and I love you
and it's okay for you to go, and you're going
with God. This is natural, there's nothing to be afraid of.
It's time put down your load. I can carry it
(30:48):
from here. It's time. I kiss him again, super hard.
And then I started to feel guilty because I've occupied
so much of this precious time with him, and I
(31:09):
I just turn around the doors right there and I
open it and I tell his wife and her daughter
to come in because I want them to, you know,
have this time too. I don't want to monopolize it.
And they come in and they walk over to him
and they go, oh, he's he's not breathing. And he
literally died right as I offered him, as I was
(31:39):
holding his hand, as I was kissing his head, as
I was falling like into his face. And there's just
so many, so many beautiful moments throughout this that I
just feel blessed, so blessed. And you guys know, I've always,
(32:10):
you know, struggled with faith and I still don't know
faith wise. But God is real. There's just there's just
no answer for this stuff. God is real. He guided
(32:30):
me through this, he lifted me up. Then as a consequence,
I did that hurt him. Fuck. Just amazing. I don't
think you're supposed to be profane when you're talking about God,
but I'm new to this. Apologies and uh, and then
(32:55):
we sat with him, you know, oh oh so at first, Uh,
her daughter says, you know, let's call in a nurse,
you know, let's try and get a maide or whatever.
And I'm like, no, let's and his wife says, let's
let's hold hands and pray. I'm so glad she did that.
And then we all take turns just praying over him,
and I literally put you know, they're holding hands and
(33:17):
I'm holding his wife's hand, and I put my hand
on his forehead and we just pray for him. And
he has died like within less than a minute, maybe
maybe two minutes is hard to stopped. So he still
he's still there, I would imagine. And and to have
that opportunity is just like to say it's priceless doesn't
(33:42):
do it justice. It's timeless. It's eternal. And to have
had all of this time with him and that experience
and that timing, it's otherworldly. I I'm sure other people
have had experiences like this, I'm sure, and please tell
(34:03):
me about them down below, But my god, I have not.
I have never had anything that comes even close to
this in terms of spiritual alignment strength. And then just
these unbelievable you call them coincidences, but like miraculous timing
of events, and it was so good and throughout all
(34:24):
of it. Every time I prayed, without fail, that vibration
the spirit every time, never felt that ever and every
time I did. And then these gifts that I'm offered
over and over, I'm just so thankful and U yeah.
(35:00):
And then we all sit around and sit around his bed.
Obviously we notify the nurse. She comes in and she says,
you know, they're like, are we right? You know. She
pulls out the stethoscope and checks his heart and she
doesn't say yes or no. She says the time. She
says seven fifty six, which is marking the time and
(35:21):
death of my father. I can't even believe I'm saying
that sentence, but it was thirty minutes to the minute
from the time I got to the hospital to the
time that that time was read off. And I just
can't help but think that that prayer that I did
(35:42):
in the middle of the day that was so vibrational,
and much of it was me talking to my dad
and telling him I'm trying to sleep. I want to
get back to you, but I need rest, and if
I don't have it, I don't know if I can
survive what's coming. And I just have this huge energy
(36:03):
thing and I just the timing of him passing just
really feels like he heard that and he hung on
just long enough and it wasn't like I got there
(36:24):
and then it was just like it was like I
got there and I had fifteen minutes one on one
saying everything, and like literally and I told my stepdad this.
I'm then drive home on the phone, like I feel
like I handed him to God fucking powerful, because I
(36:50):
really when I was saying it, I meant it, not
consciously meant it, not like oh, I'm saying the right thing,
meant like from my soul, it's okay, you can go.
It's time. From my soul. He and he did his
(37:13):
sole left, and it's just there's just I mean, obviously
there's words to describe it, because I've just done almost
forty minutes talking about it, but it is indescribable. Otherwise,
like I hope I'm doing a good enough job that
(37:36):
you can you can feel this story because it's so
fucking powerful. And then we sit there with him for
two hours as his first his hands and then his
fore arms and then his arms, his biceps, and then
his slowly his cheeks and his face go cold, and
(37:56):
every five or ten minutes. I get up and I
kiss his forehead again, and I either cry sometimes or
sometimes I don't, and just express all these things again,
just one more time. And it's just so hard to stop.
And the nurses keep coming in and saying they got
to take him to the morgue, and we keep saying no.
(38:17):
And we keep them there for about two hours, doing
this cycle, and I'm so glad, so glad we did.
And finally they're like, we have to have the room.
You gotta go, and so they take him and I
leave and I just got home not that long ago,
half an hour, an hour ago now, and it's again.
(38:42):
I don't know if I'll publish this, but if I do,
the reason is because we don't talk about death. We don't.
It's a foible of Western civilization. We don't talk about
it as a consequence. I was totally ill prepared for this.
It's super unprepared, but I was very prepared. Who knew, right,
(39:03):
Thank you God. But I think that this is a
this is and I said these words and I meant them.
After going through this process, the similarities to death and
birth are so stark it's just impossible not to see them.
To me watching my dad in this process was like
(39:26):
literally his his body giving birth to his soul, just
as he and my mom gave birth to mine. And
the you know, kind of circular symmetry of my dad
(39:48):
being the first person to hold my hand or the
first man to hold my hand and me being the
last man to hold his is just it's just it's
so ornate. Life is like it's just it's just spectacular.
And I'm just I'm awed by all of it. And
(40:12):
I'm so grateful that I have the presence of mind
and this perspective throughout this that while it has been
very hard and I have cried so much, I'm shocked
I have tears left in my body, but to have
the wherewithal to appreciate this the way I did has
(40:37):
genuinely stunned me, like to my core. And I'm so
grateful for it, and I'm so grateful for all of
it in the entire process. And I mean, if you
had told me that at any point in my forty
plus years of life that I would really appreciate the
week my dad died, that's not possible. You're a lunatic.
(41:02):
And I do deeply, like so profoundly that I can't
even begin to really express it. So that's the reason
I wanted to tell you, guys it because death is scary, obviously,
but it is beautiful in a way that I think
(41:23):
if you can approach it the way I did, and
God only knows how I did. God is how I did,
but I think that it would be really helpful. I
think it would be very helpful to you. And I
think that you know my mom's guidance as a hospice
practitioner or whatever for so long, and her familiarity with death,
(41:49):
and just like brief conversations we've had about her career
over the years, I don't know, it stepped in somehow
and it assisted me, and I just really I wish
that for everyone. Not that I wish your parents dead,
I don't. If they're still alive, awesome. And I hope
that this inspires you to immediately call them because I
(42:11):
wish I could call my dad right now, God do
I wish. But I can talk to him, and that's
something I did not think I would ever believe. I
believe I can talk to my dad and I don't
(42:32):
know how, but I did it today, soul to soul,
So yeah, my dad died today and it was one
of the best days of my life. Crazy thing to say,
(43:06):
and I'm gonna miss him so much, but I believe
our connection is eternal. Literally, I hope to helped love
you bye,
On October sixth, at seven fifty six pm Eastern Time,
my dad, Daniel died. I don't know if I'm going
to put this episode out. I don't even know if
I'm doing the right thing, but it has been such
a powerful six week process that I feel like, even
(00:20):
if I don't end up publishing this, I want the
record for myself. So I'm gonna tell these stories because
I think it's it'll be very therapeutic for me, and
I think that ultimately I don't want to forget the
details because they were so special and so so incredible.
So I'm going to do this. I don't know if
anyone's ever gonna hear it. What a weird thing to do.
(00:41):
But so the reason I'm inspired to do this is,
you know, other than the fact that I'm inspired by
my dad, is that I made a post last night
when I was at the hospital, and it went crazy viral,
and the response to it was basically a therapy session
for the world and everyone who is ever lost a
parent or a loved one for that matter. I can't
(01:03):
tell you. I mean, I don't know if it's ten
thousand replies or something crazy. It's extraordinary and it seemed
to be very, very therapeutic for people, and it really
helped me. So that's why I'm doing this is that.
And the context of that post was that, you know,
people don't talk about this, They don't talk about the
(01:23):
loss of a parent, and really we don't talk about
death at all. And I don't know if I'm going
to get too high minded and talk, you know, about
that right now, but I do want to tell the story.
So yesterday I was I was asked by my dad's
(01:44):
wife to basically fill in for her, which we had
been doing. More or less. We had been cycling on
and off. My dad's been in the hospital for nine
days after fighting me tooth and nail and absolutely refusing
to get care until the very, very very last minute,
and it was too late. Also, just so you guys know,
(02:04):
because I'm sure there's some curiosity, my dad was seventy
two years old when he passed, and he had stage
four melanoma. It had started on his upper cheekbone and
then he had a spot on his nose and the
other side and it just kept coming back. But more importantly,
he just he didn't really address it. In January, he
(02:25):
had this large, large, blotch on his nose that the
doctor had scheduled him to actually have removed, and instead
of doing so, he went back to California and he
stayed there for four months before he got it taken out.
And you know, I'm I can take some solace in
the fact that I told him in January it may
have been February that Dad, if you don't address this,
(02:47):
melanoma is crazy dangerous and it'll probably get in near blood,
it'll spread to your organs, it'll kill you. And he said,
I'll get it handled, Clint, and he didn't. I mean,
he did, but five months too late. So anyways, about
six weeks ago, or I guess it's two months ago. Now,
(03:08):
this has been a very very trying time and very
hard to keep track of time. So about two months
ago I am informed that he's sick. But you know,
we like we usually would see each other twice a month,
go to lunch, go to dinner. Not like crazy close,
but a very close relationship for sure, And we would
(03:28):
have phone calls probably weekly. And he was the biggest
fan of this show, the biggest fan, and he would
force feed it to everyone in his life. He would
put it on and then he'd be like, you want
to watch my son? He was very very proud of me.
I don't know how I'm getting through this without crying.
I'm sure I will break down at some point, but
(03:49):
I've cried so much over the past week and really
over the past month, that I feel like I'm I'm tapped,
and I'm just I'm I don't know. I have I
have great peace, and you'll understand if you stick with
me through this conversation. So about six weeks ago, maybe
two months ago, he's sick. He has an ear infection,
is what he tells me, and his energy is very
(04:10):
low and he's not eating, and I'm like, okay, well
that sounds pretty serious. Are you seeing a doctor? And
he's like, oh yeah, I'm gonna go see a doctor.
See an ear, you know, get ear drops, and that's
what he does, and it doesn't fix it. Come to
find out much later than in fact, it's a tumor
that is in his ear, so it had spread. We
(04:31):
find out about three weeks ago that the tumors, the melanoma,
has obviously gotten it into his blood, as I had warned,
and it has spread to virtually all his major organs.
I mean it was his adrenals, his liver, his lung,
his uh. I think his kidney was okay, but they
said at one point, one of the doctors said blood
and bone so deep. And then we found out very
(04:55):
late that in fact, that thing in his ear was
a tumor as well melanoma, and it was likely in
his brain at that point. I don't know that, and
ultimately it doesn't matter. It was so so pervasive that
it was going to be fatal no matter what. So anyways,
his wife asked me to sit in with him, and
I was going back anyway, so that was no big deal.
(05:17):
But I hadn't been spending the night. I had been
going over there and spending four to six hours every
day with him and that was great. And this was
when he was still talking. But last night, you know,
he stopped talking on Thursday. So Wednesday of last week
was the last conversation that I will now ever have
with my dad. And it was so powerful, it was
(05:40):
so good. If you're a fan of this show, then
you already know what I'm talking about. But I did
this episode. I think it was like second Shooter on
the roof, talking about the Kirk case, and the last
ten minutes of it is just this, you know, loving
story about my childhood with my dad and how I
realized that this is the end, most likely, and that
(06:02):
I just wanted him to know how special he was
to me, and I wanted him to hear it, and
because he had been in the hospital, I knew he
hadn't heard it, and I knew he was such a
big fan, not of the show but of me really
that I just it would not be right if he
didn't hear that. So long story short, Wednesday, it is
(06:23):
like my last chance. I didn't know it at the time,
but it's my last chance to talk to my dad,
and thank god I took this opportunity. Everybody stepped out
of the room, so it's just he and I and
I'm the type that, like, I don't really want to
be super emotional in a crowd, which is weird because
I'm doing this, but you know what I mean, I'm
(06:44):
by myself right now. This doesn't feel like there's a crowd.
And I tell him that I know that you never
miss an episode of my show, but I'm pretty sure
you missed an episode because you haven't talked to me
about this and I'd like to play you something and
he said okay. And he's very weak already, you know,
his voice is very very soft, and he's starting to
(07:08):
detach from his body, but he's he's still present like
that day. He's present, he's able to have a conversation.
In fact, it was the most healthy he had been
or present, i should say, in days. So very fortunate.
So I have this one on one time and my
aunt and my uncle are in the hallway and his
wife in the hallway, so it's just he and I
and I and I asked him and he says, oh, yeah, absolutely,
(07:28):
that'd be great. And I start to play it and
immediately I start to cry, and he does too. He
grabs my hand and we just look at each other.
We just look at each other for a long time.
(07:49):
And he still thought I was crazy. He thought there
was no chance he was dying. He was. He was like,
He's like, this is great, but I'm gonna be fine.
He wasn't. He wasn't gonna be fine. But I love
that about him, you know it. Oh his stubbornness drove
(08:12):
me fucking crazy. As I'm trying to get him healthcare
and he just refuses adamantly. He's like, oh, I got
a doctor's appartment in a week, he can wait. And
I'm like, D like, I'm pretty sure you have cancer
and like it's taken you quick. You haven't eaten in weeks,
and he's like, I got a doctor's apartment a week,
It'll be fine. But anyways, he just grabs my hand
(08:32):
and he just he just you know, he tells me
everything that he needs to say, and I tell him
everything I need to say, and it's just so good
to have that. And you know, I could get into
the specifics, just broadly speaking, it was like, you know,
he just got to tell me how proud he was
of me, how much he loved me, and vice versa,
and you know, truly we were each other's biggest fans
(08:54):
and or for the reck. So about halfway through that
ten minute segment of my show and we're likes, he's laughing.
He's like he's really he's remembering these stories that I'm telling,
especially the childhood one, and he's I can just tell
he's very touched. You know, I hadn't seen any emotion
(09:15):
from him throughout this process, really, you know, other than
irritability and sadness, you know, that was really a discomfort,
and this was the first time that he cried. You know,
he teared big time, and so did I. Anyways, my
uncle Rod shout out to Uncle Rod. He walks in
and he's just immediately overwhelmed because he recognizes what's happening
(09:40):
because he had already heard it. And he just sits
in the corner and he doesn't say a word and
he just lets us have our moment and thank you
for that. So anyways, that's the last time he talks.
That's the last time he talks to me. And I
go home that night and I'm actually thinking, you know,
maybe I am overstating this. Maybe he is going to recover.
(10:02):
He's so stubborn. Maybe he can just ignore this. He'lp
be fine. I don't know. And I get back to
the hospital the next day and he is no longer talking,
and he's still able to move, but he doesn't move
on command. He doesn't move based off of what you
have to say to him. If you ask him to
(10:24):
squeeze your hand, there's nothing. And it turns out that
we think. I don't I don't even know if I'll
ever know, because I don't think that they're going to
do an autopsy because he you know, why would they.
But I think I think the tumor in his ear
or slash brain caused a brain bleed, and I think
that a portion of his brain, probably the speech function,
(10:46):
or maybe more than that, had been destroyed. Most likely,
I'm really not sure. But he's he's almost almost in
a coma. But I think people in a coma don't
move around. I don't know that. This is not my expertise.
So anyways, he's alive, but he's just basically laying there
(11:07):
and and he can't react to what you say, even
though he does he will move when you talk to him,
so it's like he recognizes a familiar voice and he
he reacts. So maybe he can here, maybe he can't understand,
he just can't talk. I'm not I'm really not sure.
So that's how he was from Thursday until today. And
(11:31):
so she asked me last night to go, you know,
swap swap her out, because she's been there and she's exhausted,
and I totally respected that, and she wants to she
wants to get some sleep at home because it's an
absolute nightmare to try and sleep in the hospital. There's
lights and people coming in and taking tests of him
and stuff, and it's just absolutely brutal. So it's just
(11:54):
he and I and I'm so grateful that I had
this opportunity. And I'm gonna actually read it to you
because because it seemed to be very impactful on people,
and I think it's important that you know what I'm
talking about. Actually, I'll share it. Screw it, let's share
it so you guys know what I'm talking about and
you can see the photo because this is truly what
(12:15):
it was. I thought long and hard about whether or
not to post the photo, and I ended up cropping
it to remove him from it, because you know, it's
already weird to talk about something like this, and I
just wanted to make it very clear that this was
not intended to be exploitative of him, that it was
supposed to be an honor of him. You know, that
(12:38):
was my motivation. So I think people got it. As
you can tell, this is Miami, downtown Miami, and he's
got the IV with I had asked them to put
him on steroids because it could bring down the brain inflammation.
I was hoping that it might bring him back so
that he could talk to us, but that never happened.
So I say to him, all right, I say to
the world, say, it's just my dad and I in
(12:59):
the hospital tonight. I want to tell you what this
is like, because no one ever told me, and I
wish they had. It could be hours or it could
be days, but he is dying. I read this short
book called Gone from My Sight, which lays out, step
by step, every aspect of the dying process. It gave
me great comfort. I got to take a brief pause.
My mom has ran hospice for twenty years and like
(13:20):
as a management placement person, and she's been around and
dealt with death and dying for decades. So she's a
great resource on this and I'm so appreciative that she
told me this. I talked to her last I can't
believe it's only last night, but I talked to her
last night and she tells me about this book. It's
like it really it's a booklet. It's almost like a pamphlet.
It's very short. She tells me to read or listen
(13:44):
to it. I immediately do. I'm so glad I did,
because what I realized in it is that, like, oh,
I've been watching my dad die for two months, and
I didn't I didn't know. I knew instinctually, but I
didn't know no, as Candice own says, so continuing on
it gave me great comfort. This is natural. In some ways.
It is as beautiful as childbirth. That's not what the
(14:05):
book said, just the overwhelming emotion I was left with.
He stopped eating almost entirely about a month ago, and
stopped speaking four days ago. I am very fortunate and
grateful that he and I had a tear filled conversation
on the last day he will ever speak. It was
so beautiful. I don't even have words for it. Obviously
I do now, but at the time I did not.
He had withdrawn from me two months ago, but that
is exactly what dying people do. I just didn't know,
(14:28):
and I don't know, and I doubt he did either.
His eyelids remain slightly open, and you can see him
looking around as if in a dream state. To me,
he is likely reliving fond memories and reconciling any items
left undone. He moves when I speak to him, but
I believe it's just the familiar voice of a loved
one that causes him to stir. He is not truly present,
a few toes left on earth, and the rest of
(14:48):
him lifting away from me towards his next chapter. He
is not gone. He will not be gone. He will
just be gone from my sight. If anyone had told
me that the week my dad died would be one
of the best of my life, I would have thought
they were crazy here, sociopathic. But that's what this has been.
I've never felt closer to him. I have never felt
closer to God. To hold his hand as he dies,
(15:10):
his life come full circle. He was the first to
hold my hand, and I will be the last to
hold his. I have done my duty as his son,
and he did a great job as my father. Don't
get me wrong. It hurts terribly, but only because the
bond runs so deep. I love you, Dad. It's okay
for you to go. I can't believe I read that
without crying. Good job, Clinton, you're keeping it together. My
(15:36):
dad died like a couple hours ago. Guys, like it's
eleven forty eight. He died at seven fifty six, So
this is what is that? Nine ten eleven, less than
four hours ago. Oh? I really don't know if I
should be doing this but I'm gonna keep going. I really,
I really I need to have these memories like locked
(15:58):
in because it was really spectacular. And once I tell
you what happened, you're going to understand why. That's how
you do a cliffhanger. Folks, Oh man, what a cliff hanger.
Oh I can't believe it happened. It doesn't even feel real.
So anyways, So I spend the night there and I
am just having like every hour, maybe least probably every
(16:23):
thirty minutes twenty minutes, I go over to him and
I kiss his head and I hold his hand and
I talk to him and I just tell him everything
I need to say. And then I feel like I've
said everything, and I'm like, nope, you know. I go
sit down and I, you know, wash something on my
phone or whatever, and then I go, nope, I got
more to say, and I get back up. And a
lot of it is like a lot of it's for
(16:45):
me to like get stuff off my chest and express
things that I feel are very important that I do.
But most of it it's just about love. It's just
about caring for him. It's just about comfort, trying trying
to comfort him because I do not know, you know
what he is experiencing. I don't know because he can't
he can't communicate. But I'm just saying everything that comes
(17:08):
to my mind, everything that I'm like, I've got to
say this. I have to say, like whatever, whatever that
thing is that you're like, God, I wish I had
told my parent this, or I need to tell my
dad or my mom this. I got that chance and
I did that, and I'm so deeply grateful that I
had that time with him. It was obviously one of
the hardest nights of my life, but also legitimately one
(17:30):
of the best nights of my life. So spiritually aligning,
fulfilling in ways that I It's going to be hard
for me to describe, but I'm going to try. So anyways,
we have an amazing night together. And I know that
sounds weird because I'm with my dad who's dying, but
it was amazing, so spiritually aligned and like our like
our souls were connected for real. So anyways, I can't
(17:56):
sleep though, because it's it's just very hard, and I
I think I fall asleep for maybe forty five minutes,
maybe an hour if I'm lucky, and I wake up
with the sunrise and it's seven ish, and I uh,
I texted his lady and I, you know, I tell her,
I gotta go home. I got to sleep, Like I
(18:16):
don't know when he's going to pass, but if he
passes and I'm sleep deprived, I don't know if I
can handle it. You know. That was that was the rationale,
and it was I was being sincere. I really was
concerned about my own mental health because I was like,
this is this is big shit. It really is big shit.
And so she says, okay, and she's like, I'm on
(18:37):
my way there, go ahead. So I leave and I
go home, which is like a forty five minute drive.
And I get home and I can't sleep, of course,
because all I'm thinking the entire time is like, my
dad's gonna die while I'm asleep, and I could have
been there for him, even though I've been with him
like NonStop for six weeks or two months or whatever
it's been. But it's really hard, and I have this
(18:59):
moment of you know, it like all hits me. Finally,
I'm like, I know he's dying. I know, it's like
it's so close. I just just like epiphany kind of
style or God telling me or me knowing. I don't know.
I don't know, but I knew, and I sob deeply.
I cry as hard as I have ever cried ever,
(19:22):
like legitimately, like and it was weird because I almost
felt as if I was an observer of myself during that,
like like I was watching me do it, but I
was crying so deeply and it was so good, it
was so necessary. Anyways, and then I'm like, I've got it.
(19:45):
I've got to get to sleep because I've got to
get back to my dad because I want to be
with him when he dies. That's like that's my whole
mission for today. But also I like still have self
care in mind, like Okay, yeah, you want to be
there for him, but make sure that you can handle
this claiint. And I'm like, I'm trying to balance these things.
And so I pray, which I don't do often, but
(20:06):
I have done a lot over the past month. And
once again, sure is shit. I have this massive vibrational
energy that is just like just everywhere just emanating off me. Powerful,
super powerful, And because I've posted about it, you know,
people are telling me that's the Holy Spirit, and I
(20:30):
genuinely believe as though God has been with me through this,
all of it, and he has given me strength that
I did not know I have. I was telling my
stepdad about it and my mom that I've discovered reservoirs
of strength within me that I did not know I had.
And I think God granted me that ability in this
(20:52):
time that I needed to be this now. And I
don't know that I was ready, but I was ready,
that makes any sense at all, But I was so oh.
(21:20):
So I fall asleep and I sleep so hard, so hard,
but I only sleep for like sixty minutes or ninety minutes.
But I wake up and I'm like covered and drool
and I'm like, oh, how long have I been asleep?
And not long, not long at all. I'm like, did
(21:41):
I miss it. I'm looking at my phone. I'm like
expecting a test text message like your dad's dead, and no,
there's nothing. Like nobody's even reached out to me in
that time, Like, oh great, I did it. I slept.
I feel refreshed, I feel re energized. I can do this.
I'm gonna get back to my dad. But I'm like,
I better eat. I haven't eaten in over a day,
so I grab a salad and I'm eating and I think,
(22:03):
I call. Yeah, I call his brother and his sister,
my aunt and uncle, and I update them on his condition.
And I explained that, like, it's happening, it's imminent. And
they had been with us up until Wednesday, so they
got to see him on the last day he spoke
to and God, God bless him and them and everybody
for that opportunity. So anyways, I have a lengthy conversation
with them. I update them, I'm like, it's imminent, it's happening.
(22:24):
And and then I finally, you know, get my car
and head down there. Forty five minute drive and I
arrive at and this this like, I know this sounds
like minutia, but it's super important, so I'm going to
tell you all of it. I arrive at seven twenty six.
(22:45):
If you remember the time that they called it, you'll
understand why that's important. So anyways, I walk in and
his wife and her daughter are in the room with him,
and he's still there. I'm like, Wow, what a legend.
I don't know how he's still hanging on, but he is.
(23:08):
And but I know, I know, like it's it's close.
And they say, here take have some time with him.
I'm like, oh, this is great. So they stepped in
the hallway and it's just he and I again, just
like it was the night before. And I get to
say a lot of the same things that I had
already said, but some new things and and with a
(23:28):
deeper sense of I don't want to say sincerity, but
like urgency, that's what it is like, and like full
connection with the words, not not I'm saying what I
should say right now, saying what I what I feel
deeply and what needs to be said, and like concise,
(23:53):
nothing extra, just love him, comfort him, guide him, release him.
This is not conscious. I'm just I'm explaining it in hindsight, obviously.
But I tell him, you know, you fought your whole
life to be free, as I've told you guys before.
He's he was a libertarian for forty plus fifty years almost.
(24:16):
I say, you fought your whole life to be free,
and you're about to feel what like true freedom is
the one thing that no one in this mortal coil
can experience. And I and I just say, you know,
it's like this is really a special time and and
I want you to embrace it. I want you to
know that you get to you get to answer that
one thing that none of us get to answer until
(24:39):
this time, and how special that is, and to embrace
the journey, to embrace the exploration and the piece that
comes with it. And you know, he and I had
always had kind of a peer relationship, very business relationship,
but a lot of that comes to like him genuinely
respecting me as an adult man, you know, and it's,
(25:03):
oh God, James Blunt monster, if you want to really cry,
listen to that right right after this, or pause this
and listen to that right now. It's ah, I'm not
your I'm not your son, you're not my father, or
just two grown men saying goodbye. And that's what it was.
(25:27):
It was so good anyways. So I tell him, you know,
because we had had a working relationship at parts of
my life in adulthood, and you know, I just expressed
to him that, like, you've carried a lot, you know,
as the patriarch if you will, and you're probably still
here because of that, that you don't you don't have
(25:50):
faith that these things can be accomplished. And I want
you to know that they will be that that weight
that you carry I can't. I can't. I'm ready and
(26:14):
I meant it and I do and I feel it
and I know it so and I just expressed to
him over and over again, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay,
you can let go. And what's weird is I again,
I have this reservoir I didn't know I had. And
(26:34):
I tell him, I tell him all of this without crying,
like for the first ten minutes. It's like I end
up with fifteen minutes with him, and the first ten
minutes no crime. It is just like it is. I'm smiling.
I am smiling as I tell my dying dad that
(26:55):
I got this. How I had that strength, I don't know.
But in the last five minutes, you know, after I've
already said all of the like dutiful things that I
(27:17):
feel compelled to say in that moment, I feel then
the loss comes. Then it's like, I'm gonna miss you
so much, and I ball. I mean, it's it comparable
to that that sobbing fit that I had in the
middle of the day. And and I put my my
(27:38):
head on all right, I'm kissing his forehead throughout this,
And then I put my forehead on his and I
cry on to him and it's just like it's just
and this all sounds like, this all sounds like a movie.
So I think that's the other reason I wanted to
have a record of it for myself is because it's like,
(28:00):
at some point I'll start to not believe that it
because it's so ridiculous, but it did. It all happen,
and uh and I and then I can you know,
the tears are like literally falling on his forehead and
on his cheeks, and I'm and I'm wiping them away
and it's just so good. It's just and I know
(28:21):
that sounds weird, but it is. It was so good.
It was so connected, so deeply connected, not just not
just father to son, but both of us to God
for real, just a power flowing through me. I'm so
(28:55):
grateful for it, and I'm so grateful for this opportunity.
And it's breath at this point. And I know this
because the book pamphlet thing that my mom recommended to
me that you know you're as you're dying, And he's
gone through all the phases and I've recognized them now
(29:16):
in hindsight, and I'm like, he's only got a few
phases left, you know, and I know that your blood
pressure drops and your breathing slows almost to a crawl.
And I knew that his blood pressure had dropped and
his breathing was extraordinarily slow. He was breathing very shallowly,
(29:37):
and maybe once every twenty seconds. It was like just
barely there. And uh oh God, it's not on myself.
I've had a hard month. But I hope this is therapeutic.
If I publish this, I hope this helps people ways
(30:01):
his uh so, he's this is as I'm crying on
to him, he just stops. He just stops breathing. And
at the time I didn't really even recognize it because
his breathing was so slowed that this twenty second gap
(30:23):
that uh oh oh, one other note of what I'm
saying to him, And I just say over and over again,
it's okay for you to go, and I love you
and it's okay for you to go, and you're going
with God. This is natural, there's nothing to be afraid of.
It's time put down your load. I can carry it
(30:48):
from here. It's time. I kiss him again, super hard.
And then I started to feel guilty because I've occupied
so much of this precious time with him, and I
(31:09):
I just turn around the doors right there and I
open it and I tell his wife and her daughter
to come in because I want them to, you know,
have this time too. I don't want to monopolize it.
And they come in and they walk over to him
and they go, oh, he's he's not breathing. And he
literally died right as I offered him, as I was
(31:39):
holding his hand, as I was kissing his head, as
I was falling like into his face. And there's just
so many, so many beautiful moments throughout this that I
just feel blessed, so blessed. And you guys know, I've always,
(32:10):
you know, struggled with faith and I still don't know
faith wise. But God is real. There's just there's just
no answer for this stuff. God is real. He guided
(32:30):
me through this, he lifted me up. Then as a consequence,
I did that hurt him. Fuck. Just amazing. I don't
think you're supposed to be profane when you're talking about God,
but I'm new to this. Apologies and uh, and then
(32:55):
we sat with him, you know, oh oh so at first, Uh,
her daughter says, you know, let's call in a nurse,
you know, let's try and get a maide or whatever.
And I'm like, no, let's and his wife says, let's
let's hold hands and pray. I'm so glad she did that.
And then we all take turns just praying over him,
and I literally put you know, they're holding hands and
(33:17):
I'm holding his wife's hand, and I put my hand
on his forehead and we just pray for him. And
he has died like within less than a minute, maybe
maybe two minutes is hard to stopped. So he still
he's still there, I would imagine. And and to have
that opportunity is just like to say it's priceless doesn't
(33:42):
do it justice. It's timeless. It's eternal. And to have
had all of this time with him and that experience
and that timing, it's otherworldly. I I'm sure other people
have had experiences like this, I'm sure, and please tell
(34:03):
me about them down below, But my god, I have not.
I have never had anything that comes even close to
this in terms of spiritual alignment strength. And then just
these unbelievable you call them coincidences, but like miraculous timing
of events, and it was so good and throughout all
(34:24):
of it. Every time I prayed, without fail, that vibration
the spirit every time, never felt that ever and every
time I did. And then these gifts that I'm offered
over and over, I'm just so thankful and U yeah.
(35:00):
And then we all sit around and sit around his bed.
Obviously we notify the nurse. She comes in and she says,
you know, they're like, are we right? You know. She
pulls out the stethoscope and checks his heart and she
doesn't say yes or no. She says the time. She
says seven fifty six, which is marking the time and
(35:21):
death of my father. I can't even believe I'm saying
that sentence, but it was thirty minutes to the minute
from the time I got to the hospital to the
time that that time was read off. And I just
can't help but think that that prayer that I did
(35:42):
in the middle of the day that was so vibrational,
and much of it was me talking to my dad
and telling him I'm trying to sleep. I want to
get back to you, but I need rest, and if
I don't have it, I don't know if I can
survive what's coming. And I just have this huge energy
(36:03):
thing and I just the timing of him passing just
really feels like he heard that and he hung on
just long enough and it wasn't like I got there
(36:24):
and then it was just like it was like I
got there and I had fifteen minutes one on one
saying everything, and like literally and I told my stepdad this.
I'm then drive home on the phone, like I feel
like I handed him to God fucking powerful, because I
(36:50):
really when I was saying it, I meant it, not
consciously meant it, not like oh, I'm saying the right thing,
meant like from my soul, it's okay, you can go.
It's time. From my soul. He and he did his
(37:13):
sole left, and it's just there's just I mean, obviously
there's words to describe it, because I've just done almost
forty minutes talking about it, but it is indescribable. Otherwise,
like I hope I'm doing a good enough job that
(37:36):
you can you can feel this story because it's so
fucking powerful. And then we sit there with him for
two hours as his first his hands and then his
fore arms and then his arms, his biceps, and then
his slowly his cheeks and his face go cold, and
(37:56):
every five or ten minutes. I get up and I
kiss his forehead again, and I either cry sometimes or
sometimes I don't, and just express all these things again,
just one more time. And it's just so hard to stop.
And the nurses keep coming in and saying they got
to take him to the morgue, and we keep saying no.
(38:17):
And we keep them there for about two hours, doing
this cycle, and I'm so glad, so glad we did.
And finally they're like, we have to have the room.
You gotta go, and so they take him and I
leave and I just got home not that long ago,
half an hour, an hour ago now, and it's again.
(38:42):
I don't know if I'll publish this, but if I do,
the reason is because we don't talk about death. We don't.
It's a foible of Western civilization. We don't talk about
it as a consequence. I was totally ill prepared for this.
It's super unprepared, but I was very prepared. Who knew, right,
(39:03):
Thank you God. But I think that this is a
this is and I said these words and I meant them.
After going through this process, the similarities to death and
birth are so stark it's just impossible not to see them.
To me watching my dad in this process was like
(39:26):
literally his his body giving birth to his soul, just
as he and my mom gave birth to mine. And
the you know, kind of circular symmetry of my dad
(39:48):
being the first person to hold my hand or the
first man to hold my hand and me being the
last man to hold his is just it's just it's
so ornate. Life is like it's just it's just spectacular.
And I'm just I'm awed by all of it. And
(40:12):
I'm so grateful that I have the presence of mind
and this perspective throughout this that while it has been
very hard and I have cried so much, I'm shocked
I have tears left in my body, but to have
the wherewithal to appreciate this the way I did has
(40:37):
genuinely stunned me, like to my core. And I'm so
grateful for it, and I'm so grateful for all of
it in the entire process. And I mean, if you
had told me that at any point in my forty
plus years of life that I would really appreciate the
week my dad died, that's not possible. You're a lunatic.
(41:02):
And I do deeply, like so profoundly that I can't
even begin to really express it. So that's the reason
I wanted to tell you, guys it because death is scary, obviously,
but it is beautiful in a way that I think
(41:23):
if you can approach it the way I did, and
God only knows how I did. God is how I did,
but I think that it would be really helpful. I
think it would be very helpful to you. And I
think that you know my mom's guidance as a hospice
practitioner or whatever for so long, and her familiarity with death,
(41:49):
and just like brief conversations we've had about her career
over the years, I don't know, it stepped in somehow
and it assisted me, and I just really I wish
that for everyone. Not that I wish your parents dead,
I don't. If they're still alive, awesome. And I hope
that this inspires you to immediately call them because I
(42:11):
wish I could call my dad right now, God do
I wish. But I can talk to him, and that's
something I did not think I would ever believe. I
believe I can talk to my dad and I don't
(42:32):
know how, but I did it today, soul to soul,
So yeah, my dad died today and it was one
of the best days of my life. Crazy thing to say,
(43:06):
and I'm gonna miss him so much, but I believe
our connection is eternal. Literally, I hope to helped love
you bye,
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